Episode 3 Getting On

# Roll, river

# Keep on rolling

# Ancient lady

# Cold

# Roll, river

# Roll. #

This programme contains some strong language.

-The pain's gone higher up.

-Oh, dear.

Oh, nothing for me, then?

No, I haven't been for three days now.

I'm like that after a pickled egg.

Do you think I've got a blockage, Nurse?

Nah, it's probably just the hospital food.

How are you getting on with that? Oh, you've got a couple left.

Do you have anything for... for 15 down?

It's "swollen", eight letters.

-Ends with D.

-I'll have to get back to you on that.

I'll see if I can get Sister

to talk to Dr Moore to write you up for some laxatives, OK?

-I hope that's all it needs.

-Mm.

-Thanks, Nurse.

-Oh!

Is it "engorged"?

I don't know, but it's very itchy.

Thanks, all, for coming.

So what we're talking about today is,

I'm here to cascade down to the ward staff the new priorities.

Sorry I'm late.

Could we all revisit your time-management strategies?

Um...cos we all know that punctuality is the number one stress-buster.

I had to clear up some wee. That was cascading down.

So, what we're looking at today is environmental performance,

carbon reduction and environmental impacts.

We do this in a number of ways.

Energy, waste, water, recycling and bikes.

Now, when we're all at home,

I know that every single one of us does our compost

and our recycling and we use low-energy light bulbs,

but just because we're at work...

SHE MOUTHS

doesn't mean that we shouldn't go around not switching off the lights,

or letting the water run, or...

HILARY: Can I stop you there, please? - Yes.

You've missed something out.

Your target is to reduce the carbon footprint of the hospital

by 35% within three years.

Thank you, Mr Loftus, that is correct. So...

I was one of the original designers

in the reorganisation colour-coding mandate for waste disposal.

Right. Well, would you like to come

and outline the targets, then, Mr Loftus?

I don't think that would be appropriate, so carry on, please.

Can I ask what training you're providing for staff on all of this?

-This is the training session.

-Oh, I thought you said you were cascading.

-It's cascade training.

-Oh, two for the price of one, is it?

It's more efficient that way, I guess.

So, um...outside of every ward,

we're going to have an electricity meter.

HILARY: And we will be recording, in ohms and wattage.

As opposed to 'Olmes and Watson!

LAUGHTER

Very good.

But getting back to the point,

for each ward there will be rewards and penalties.

And will there be overtime payments to allow for assimilation of this?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

-Yeah, what do we win?

-Well, it's not...

A trip to Blackpool Illuminations? Or maybe that's the punishment.

Um...all of the dirty and clean sluices have been fitted

with motion-sensor-activated lighting.

Which'll give us all a head start.

How much does that cost, I wonder?

So, I'm now going to hand out the training booklets.

-Hurrah(!)

-So we can all have a look at those.

-Can't wait.

-They're called Stop Using It, You Loser.

- You haven't briefed staff about the waste identification system.

- Oh, actually, I wanted to check a few facts

before I cascaded that down.

- I'm...I'm a bit confused about...

- Look, it's very, very simple.

- It's the tiger stripes and the bumblebee thing I'm a little...

-Shall I pass it along?

-Yes, please. Thank you, Den.

Um...I'll take you all through it this once.

OK, you are going to be using yellow for infectious/clinical.

Orange for household.

And black and yellow,

or, as what we like to call them, bumblebee or tiger stripes

for offensive but never infectious

because it costs actually £100 per tonne more expensive to dispose of.

I'm sorry, but how are we supposed to be able to tell the difference between the two yellows?

The plain yellow is just informational,

and the black stripe is... is clearly a bumblebee.

It's about observing and looking for this, looking for this black stripe.

Perhaps we could have some time at the end to get to know the bags.

You will check my Return To Study essay title, won't you?

I will. I'm just feeling queasy, that's all.

I think this is the week that the mucous plug forms in the cervix.

Do you think that can give you indigestion?

You said you'd be my mentor.

Yeah, I will, Kim.

I don't want to vomit all over your paperwork, do I?

Oi, Den.

Dave's got a mate that can make these things go backwards.

We haven't paid a lecky bill in years.

-That's dishonest, Kim.

-Yeah, but you're an accomplice.

What about your 2,000-watt turbo hair dryer?

Nearly took the roof off this morning.

PHONE RINGS

Ward K2.

No, we don't do any bariatrics or gastric...

OK, well, what's the name?

-Steve? No, sorry, we don't do men here either.

-No.

Well, if he's pre-op, why can't he just go home for the weekend?

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, care and repair.

They've got to put the window back in, haven't they?

He's going to be a bit heavy. That's the only problem for us.

No, on the electricity, I mean.

Oh, I can block out the whole ward?

Yeah. No, that will be brilliant.

Thanks. That's a deal. Cheers.

-Kim?

-Yeah.

Um...can you phone down to Porterage, please?

-I just need that floor clear.

-Are we having a disco?

PIPPA: Morning, Sister. Morning, gents.

PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

I'm just going to take this. Good morning, Jennifer.

Right, right. So, that's what he's stated on his Form E, is it?

No, no. Right. Well, no, he always told me

that he put 33.3% of his net salary into a savings account.

£4,000 on a Gordon Ramsay picnic?

No, he's making all of this up, Jen.

He's probably put it in some offshore bank account or something.

No, I didn't know that.

Sorry, half of MY pension?

No, he bloody... he bloody well can't, can he?

So, no, no, no.

Why should I lose out because he has squandered all that money?

No, this is grossly unfair!

OK, yes, I will.

I'll speak to you later. All right, thank you.

Little prick!

Good morning, Mrs Dethick. Hello again.

Oh, hello, Dr Moore. I'm so sorry to be such a nuisance to you.

Oh, not a bit of it! That's what we're here for.

You're no trouble at all. Um...what are her latest obs?

Yes, all normal range.

Right, gents, differential diagnosis. What do we need to rule out?

-Ovarian cancer.

-Yes, we've done a CO-125 tumour marker.

Do you remember? What else?

-Pancreatitis?

-Yes.

-How do we test for that?

-CT-KUB.

-Yes, which stands for?

Computer tomography, kidney, ureter, bowels.

No. Anyone else? FEMALE DOCTOR: Kidney, urine...

No! Kidney, ureter and... MALE DOCTOR: Bones?

Bladder and raised amylase levels. What else?

-So, which one have I got?

-Any thoughts at all?

-Um...there's probably nothing wrong at all.

-Oh.

Josh, anything at all to contribute here?

PATIENT COUGHING

Hypochondriasis, could it be?

Er...this is just for the medical staff training, thank you, Sister.

What I'm saying is that nobody has

actually ever found anything wrong with her with any of these tests.

-Your point being?

-Um...

(Maybe a spell in the loony bin might be more appropriate.)

Right, thank you, Sister.

Does this need to be on?

Sorry, Mr Loftus, if you don't mind, you are in danger of obstructing

one of your precious patient pathways here.

This lady could be very sick indeed.

Planning, patient. Patient, planning.

If it doesn't need to be on, it needs to be off.

-OK, thank you very much.

-Thank you.

Ooh, er...Sister, by the way, I've got Josh primed to take

some photographic images this afternoon of suitable patients.

-I don't know anything about that.

-I need to get consent forms signed.

My vag-at research funding is in danger because I'm in a race against the Dutch,

and I need to get these vulval specimens photographed ASAP.

So, um...if that's all right?

-Yes, fine.

-Great, lovely. Thank you. Where to now?

Um...we'll go and see Mrs Lorna Tully.

Mrs Tully.

Yeah, we only need about five. Get...ask Miss Burgess.

Elaine you can ask. Don't ask Doris cos she's not all there.

Oh. I know. You could ask Mrs Dethick,

cos she has been ripping off the NHS for years.

So, she might be willing to give back, yeah?

So, you're telling me I've got to ask her if she's willing

to have her cherry pop photographed for medical prosperity?

What is a cherry pop?

-Well, what did your mum call yours?

-I don't know. Laa-Laa, I think.

It's better than a Po or a Tinky Winky, I suppose.

Right, I am on my break.

Yeah, just get them to sign page three, all right? All anonymous.

Cascading down to Bonjour for a hot chocolate, are you?

No, I just need to...get a breath of fresh air or something.

It's not just me who needs to do this, you know. It's important.

(PANTING) And you. You!

Just because you're employed by Cerium doesn't mean you're exempt.

(PANTING) If you see something on, switch it off.

-Thank you.

-Excuse me.

HILARY PANTS

-Oh, hello there, Mr Ferris.

-Hello.

So, is this the Rolls Royce of beds, then?

Ooh, yes, indeedy.

Did they send down any bariatric inco pads with him?

No, I think they're expecting a delivery at three, yeah?

Well, what's he meant to do till then? Poor sod!

Oh, Den, my 2,000-word essay title's come through.

-Yeah, what is it?

-Ooh, I can't remember offhand.

Oh, Kim, you're going to have to remember a lot more than that

if you want to be a doctor.

Do you want to have a look?

Identify a knowledge deficit related to your area of practice,

with reference to strategies you could utilise,

eg, study models, skill...

study skills, models of reflection and resources available,

and describe how you would resolve this, and how you plan to use...

utilise these aspects in your future learning and development.

What's that mean?

Don't know. I thought you might be able to tell me.

Maybe it's just my nappy brain.

Oh, no, no.

PIPPA: Oh, sorry, can you turn that back on, please?

I have to get you to input your validated mentorship registration number.

-I haven't got one of those. Sorry.

-Haven't you done the course?

-The mentorship course?

-No, I haven't done a mentorship course.

I just thought you wanted me to help you. I was just trying to be...

Oh, great, so now I haven't got a mentor.

Sorry. Well, what about Damaris? What about her? She's got...

Oh, God.

Megan. Megan's got loads and loads of qualifications.

Mm, I suppose that's slightly better. She owes me one, an' all.

DOOR BUZZER

Oh, look. Here comes Sigmund Freud for his morning cuppa.

Nigel! Hello! Hi!

Pippa. Sorry, I got your message about meeting for coffee.

-How are you? How is Sian?

-I'm sorry, I haven't had a minute.

Gosh. Oh, hello.

-Nice to see you again.

-And you. Yes.

Yes, I'm working with the bariatric team on the psych side.

Right, yes.

Some of these people can be tipped over into depression.

Mm, yes, awful. Awful, yes.

Then, of course, the NHS wouldn't fund the plastic surgery.

To get rid of the resulting, you know, extra folds of skin.

Folds. Gosh, yes, tragic. Tragic.

Fascinating area. But can be a bit of a bed blocker, can't it? But...

Incidentally, did you know that, er...

a new potato is half the calories of...of an ordinary potato?

-No, no, I didn't.

-Yes.

So, er...well, Stephen Ferris. Do you know where...?

Er...yes indeed. Yes, I'm sure Sister can point you in the right... Mm.

Sister, do you want to show Dr Hoskins to the bariatric patient, please?

Yes. Kim?

-Yeah?

-Can you show the gastric bypass, please, to Dr Hoskins?

-Sure.

-Thank you.

-Well...

er...er...last week's jolly was fun, wasn't it?

Yes. Yes, Glaxo certainly seem to know their way around their vodkas.

-Don't they? Goodness.

-Yes.

-Did you try the melon one?

-No. No. Melon!

It was quite delicious but I rather lost track after that.

I've got a couple of blank moments myself.

-It's ready now.

-Yes. Thank you.

I do hope I...wasn't...

that I didn't...

Not a bit of it. No, no, you were...you're charming.

Ah, Mr Ferris, splendid.

How are you? I'll, er... I'll catch you later, Pippa.

Sorry. Yes, of course. Yes, I'll...

..If you want a, um...a coffee any time or...

-Coffee. Yes, yes.

-Yes.

So, Mr Ferris,

your pre-surgical psychological assessment for bariatric surgery

has gone very well.

-So, it's an A-star(!)

-A-star.

We only have a small area of concern around your impulsive behaviour scores.

Yes, well, I've just asked the nurse here

if she'd elope with me to Gretna Green.

-I agreed.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, it's really more a method...

Oh, dear. Is this bed right? Or...or is the floor uneven?

-Shall I get sister to call Estates?

-No, no.

It's just rather odd.

So, we'd like to put in place

a post-operative psychological support programme

to prevent you ignoring dietary restrictions

and maybe eating solids way too soon.

I liquidised a Crunchie once.

-It was lovely.

-Yes.

But, er...the kind of thing we should be avoiding.

Yeah, well, we've tried 1,500 different combinations

and none of them work,

plus we've tried everyone on the ward's birthdays.

Thank you. I'd be very grateful.

Sister, can I see you in your office, please?

-Well, no, because I'm busy.

-Den, please?

Oh, all right.

DEN SIGHS

Oh! Who put these on?

-It's a bit dark.

-Oh.

Can you turn it back on? I've got something to show you.

Yeah. I thought we were supposed to be keeping...

No, turn 'em both on. It's...it's fine.

-That's better.

-Yeah.

-What is it?

-This is for you.

Open it.

I hope you like it.

It was the best one they had in the shop. There was three options.

Oh, thanks so much! It's got 20...

Thank you. That's... Thanks.

Listen, Den, no strings,

but if you ever need anything, financial support,

or just someone for the nipper to kick a ball around with.

Ooh, you're a doctor.

-I'm just about to start my training.

-Oh, very impressive.

You could take your own blood pressure, then?

Only if I was R2-D2.

My doctorate is in robotics and intelligent machines.

Blimey, well, if you're that clever,

maybe you can decipher my 2,000-word essay title?

-Yeah, well, let me have a look at it.

-Really?

Got my laptop and a long weekend ahead. We can get to the bottom of it.

-Great. So, you'll help me?

-Well, we're engaged, aren't we?

It's just a shame you can't order in a Chinese meal for two.

We can. I'll eat yours.

HE SNORTS

MACHINE WHIRRS

Whatever it is, I don't want to know.

OK.

Er...Josh. Right. Have you got some pics there? Let's have a look.

CAMERA BEEPS

No, that's good. Yes, that could do with a...a crop, though, if you...

No, that's...

Oh, these are rather washed out, aren't they?

Do you think...? Can we... Is there any mileage in auto-correct?

Is there anything you can...? No?

All right. Well, er...sorry, Josh. I think you're going to have to do these again.

Um...all right? Jolly good!

Yes, looking...looking...you know.

What kind of moron would think

that a wooden coffee stirrer is infectious?

Oh, well, maybe someone with a cold licked it.

Oh, Hils, er...

you should just be observing for your skills mix review.

You don't need to get involved in this wasters and losers programme.

And you don't need to be holding that heavy bag.

Let me take that for you.

Oh. Thank you.

And thanks for the baby's present. That was...

That was nice of you, really nice of you.

I will never put you through a paternity test.

You know that it is only, like, a 1% chance, don't you, that...

that it could be yours?

There's still a chance, though.

Let the children's laughter...

..remind us how it used to be.

DEN HUMS "The Greatest Love Of All"

That sounds like foxes mating, Den.

DEN HUMS

2,007. That's not bad.

Annapurna's already tipped over the 10,000.

Yeah, well, that's cos we've got Hilary up our arses.

I can't help thinking we're entering a minefield

of health and safety implications with this new green initiative.

Oh, I've put you both on the rota for the picket line on Thursday.

Den, I've got you down for 11.15,

and Kim for the afternoon slot unless you can do all day?

It'll probably be all right. I just have to sort out my Return To Study course.

-How's all that going?

-All right. I just need to find a mentor now.

Well, you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.

Completed my mentorship model in '09.

I won't actually be able to do the picket now.

Why?

I can't stand. I'm pregnant.

Oh, no, you can have a chair if you want.

Well, I was thinking of using the time to get the baby buggy

before I go on maternity leave, you know?

Yeah, but the reason you're entitled to maternity leave at all

is because men and women have stood on picket lines for decades to give you that advantage.

-Well, you wouldn't cross a picket line, would you, Kim?

-No.

I'm not going to cross a picket line. I'm going to the shops.

-Oh, come off it, Den. Fair's fair.

-Aiden is a small businessman.

He doesn't get any kind of pension, so nothing's fair, is it?

Hansley doesn't even get sick pay, do you, Hansley?

That's because Hansley is not allowed to join a union. Are you, Hansley?

Sorry.

He must be the highest-paid binman in the NHS.

Oh, God! Well, do you think Mrs Dethick's ready for her close-up?

Yeah, but it's not exactly going to be a Vogue cover, is it,

the hanging bacon of Babylon?

-Oh, I think I'd better go and supervise Mario Testino.

-OK.

-Hello.

-Fancy a bit of exercise?

-Oh, yes indeedy.

-Righty-ho, then.

Always use the title of the essay in the opening sentence.

So, it will be something like, er...

"As a nurse practitioner,

"I have identified a personal knowledge deficit in relation to..."

So, er...in relation to what?

Um...

wiping old ladies' bottoms?

OK, "In relation to promoting optimal health

"in the care of the elderly with complex and long-term conditions."

-That's brilliant.

-It's easy, really.

PHONE RINGS

It's not easy. Oh, excuse me. Hello.

What? And you can't change it?

Are you sure?

(Bum!)

No.

No, no. No.

No. No, no, no.

CAMERA CLICKS

No.

No. No, no, no, no.

CAMERA CLICKS

No.

-Sorry, Mr Loftus.

-No. Thank you.

We're undertaking vital research here.

-Hiya.

-Want a finger?

Thanks, yeah. Um...look, I'm sorry about this, Megan.

It's a bit awkward. I won't be able to, er...do the picket line.

If I change my course day on the 24th,

I'll have to wait six more months to complete my module.

I'm really sorry.

OK.

I hope you don't mind me saying

I think that's short-sighted and selfish.

Oh, come on! I mean, I've spent my bloody life

pleasing other people. This is for me.

I hope you enjoy cat food

because that's all any of us will be able to afford when we retire.

And by the way, you're going to have to find yourself a new mentor.

I'm over-committed. Sorry.

SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Jennifer, hi.

Yes.

Right. This isn't a 50/50 division of assets,

this is an obliteration of them.

So, you're telling me that he and that Michelle

are entitled to carry on at the standard he's become accustomed to,

courtesy of my pension, while I eke out my dotage on bread and water?

Well, plus ca fucking change!

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Blast!

Jennifer, sorry. I...I didn't...

No, I do not want to buy handset insurance! Thank you very much!

Oh.

-Thank you.

-All right.

SHE SIGHS

Norris add-back.

Sorry, I... No, I don't think they do cashback in the hospital. Thank you.

No, you...you need to request a Norris add-back argument.

Er...Norris versus Norris.

If your husband has depleted the marital funds through profligate spending,

then your legal team can argue to have the sum added back in,

as if he still had it,

otherwise your share is unfairly significantly diminished.

Well...are you sure? I mean, how do you know this?

I have two law degrees from my own country and an LLB in the UK.

Oh.

I'll see you soon. Yes.

-Oh. Yeah.

-OK.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Has, er...Dr Moore gone, do you know?

Er...not sure.

It's just that I can confirm a diagnosis.

-Text book case of hypochondriasis.

-I told her that already.

Yeah, I'm surprised no-one picked it up from the EPR.

Well, EPR's broken, I'm afraid.

I'll get Mrs Dethick an appointment at, er...Denby Park.

Give the good doctor my best, won't you? Thank you.

DOOR CLOSES

-That's Dr Moore's discharge.

-OK.

Mm, not to worry.

No, I mean, maybe Sally in Renal is registered as a mentor.

Yeah, I think I'll do that.

No.

-All right, thanks anyway.

-Cheers.

The only problem is, I think...

Er...Kim?

I've done the mentorship module and I'm on the register.

-Can I help you at all?

-Um...

Oh, it's my fault. I'm so sorry, Kim.

I'm just such a dick, honestly.

Oh, come on. I'm sure we can sort this out between us.

I'm up for it if you are, Kim.

Um...

I really don't mind.

Oh. Oh, OK, great. Thanks, Damaris.

Great.

Can I get you two a cup of tea?

Why not? I like mine milky. Thank you.

Yeah, can I have two sugars, actually? I might need the energy, you know.

Yes, of course.

I mean, I suppose she's not going to be that bad.

-She's hardly Elizabeth Bathory, is she?

-Who's that?

Well, a sort of medieval vampire queen

that used to kill virgins and drink their blood.

Ooh.

All right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to...

I think I just need to go for a wazz.

-Hello.

-Hello. Nice cup of tea. There you go.

The wobble on this bed is still... Well, it's got worse, in fact.

-You're joking? Really?

-Yeah.

-No-one's been to fix it?

-No.

-Let me give this a go.

-Oh, well.

-How's that?

-Brilliant.

-All right, enjoy your tea. See you later, yeah?

-Tatty-bye.

SHE SIGHS

# Roll, river

# Keep on rolling

# Ancient lady

# Cold

# Roll, river

# Roll. #