Episode 5 Getting On

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# Ancient lady

# Cold

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OK, then. Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Cheers. Bye.

Who was that?

That was Trish, the coma patient's daughter.

-She's popping in later this afternoon.

-What?!

She's never been in before.

You're going to have to move all that stuff out of the room, aren't you?

I'm not bloody Pickfords!

I really need an office.

I'm going to crowbar that door open.

Bollocks, I got 17% for my essay.

Aww.

(SCOFFS) Much help Damaris was.

Den, can I put my Dr Pepper in your fridge?

Mm, whatever. Although there will come a time, you know...

Yes, when your breasts are all full up and squirting everywhere. Yes, happy days.

Don't be grumpy!

You're looking a bit pleased with yourself.

-I'm just looking at pictures of the weekend.

-What?

Aiden took me away. We went to Norway.

-Cor, you kept that quiet!

-Well, it was a surprise.

-I didn't know it was going to happen. It was to celebrate the baby.

-Bloody hell!

It was really nice of him. He paid for everything.

Upgrades, flights, hotels.

We went to see the Northern Lights. They didn't come out.

But that was fine, it didn't really matter.

Den, I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean, but, you know...

Stuff's crap for me at the moment. I've got no money,

no fags, no mentor, no time to myself.

From where I'm standing, life couldn't be any more shit.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, I take that back. Here comes Karl Marx.

You need to get your bum under there, Kim. Under. Further. Get your bum under.

Don't think I can't see you there, you class traitor.

Oh, he-hello, Megan. Sorry, how did the strike go?

A decent turnout, actually, no thanks to you.

I just dropped by to let you have one of these...

hospital Christmas card competition from the kids' oncology ward.

What's the prize, then, a go on their Play-Doh factory?

Don't be cynical, Kim.

Oh, Megan, look, um, it arrived.

Ooh. Amica? Oh, that's a good make, that, isn't it?

-Good, can I have a look?

-Yeah.

-Are these yours?

-No, those are Kim's actually.

I'm afraid that's not allowed, Kim. Items appertaining solely to the staff member's childcare,

if I'm not mistaken.

Well, the staff member's child isn't going to be here for six months.

Give em here, I need cheering up.

Oh, Doris.

(SIGHS) What are you doing out of bed?

Come on, let's get you back. Why haven't you got your slippers on? Hmm?

You need to put your slippers on if you're going to get out of bed.

Right, come on, in you get.

You have a little rest.

Right. Where's Damaris? I need to give her one of these.

Gone.

Gone where?

She's got a job as a nurse-bot on a space station

-orbiting the planet Zarg.

-Pardon?

No, she's gone to a London teaching hospital.

-She got a promotion.

-Very nice.

-Hang on a minute.

-You told me that you...

She beat me to it, she had already applied for some fancy post, so...

Well, now that Damaris is gone, couldn't you be my mentor?

I'd love to, but unfortunately I've got netball three nights a week

and then there's my MSc and then there's my book club, so...

You're supposed to support me.

I do. Believe me, I do.

You know what?

I'm going to forget about this whole bloody doctor thing.

Mm, good, it's probably for the best.

-You don't seem too hot on the commitment thing.

-Why should I bother? I'm going to give up.

I think you'd be much happier, Kim. Honestly, I do.

Right. I'm off, I'll call back later, Den.

I've discovered a couple of more things you can claim for.

Oh, great, thanks.

-Morning, Donald.

-Hi.

-Oh, hi, Donald.

-Hiya.

Had it mended?

-Yes.

-Mm.

Where are we going to put it?

I don't know.

Shall I move the fridge?

What do you think about this Christmas card competition?

Yeah, could be good, yeah.

I reckon we could design something really nice.

We could use one of yours and Aiden's photos,

you know, from your weekend in Trollfjord.

-Mm.

-Oh, shouldn't that be "Trroll-fjurd"?

It's an archipelago in the north of Norway. Er, gents, you don't need to write it down.

-Den's just has been on a mini-break there.

-Ah, right. Did you enjoy yourself, Den?

-Oh, yeah. It was great, actually.

-Good.

Look, we went on a sleigh ride all the way to the ice hotel. See?

But, unfortunately, it was fully booked up when we got there, so...

Good. Um, have you seen Josh?

-Yeah, I saw him.

-Oh, yes?

He was down in reception, on his way to Bonjour.

Bloody hell, this one's more like one of Dr Moore's research photos, look.

Kim! Can you please give me that...? Sorry.

Please do not show pictures of me in my bra and pants

to members of the junior medical staff.

Well, I mean, at least they're not all grey and washed out, like mine.

Hansley.

Hello, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your help,

it's been absolutely invaluable.

So you went for Minton versus Minton?

Yes, yes, we did. Well, it was a bit of a nightmare in the end -

Philip tried to get a second valuation on the house

and he even had his lawyers sniffing round my vag-at

to see if there was any money there, so...

But you know, in the end, we went for the clean break.

And your life, not overshadowed by the relationship that's broken down?

That's how Lord Scarman described it.

Well, I might just take him up on that! Er, anyway, that's it, it's...

It's over.

Um...oh, by the way, my solicitor said she might have something for you.

I don't know if, er, est-ce que vous parlez francais, par chance?

Oui, bien sur. Je parle francais, oui, oui.

Ah, c'est...c'est tres bien.

Je... Je pensais que peut-tre is vous...vous telephonez a...

She's given me her number.

If you give her a ring, she might be able to find you something. Um...

That's her number.

Merci. Thank you.

Worth a call.

I just think it's important

someone behaves honourably in... in all of this mess.

You know. But, anyway, that's it.

It's over and, um...

Thank you very much indeed.

It's not a problem. Thank you.

Den, isn't this the lady that was discharged recently?

Yes. It's Mrs Dethick, yes. And she's been readmitted from A&E.

I've a terrible ache in my left side.

Is it, er, in the same place as last time, when we found... There wasn't anything wrong, was there?

-Not as such, no.

-It's lower down.

It's lower now, is it? All right.

Well, Sister, do you want to sort out the obs for this lady and...

Kim, can you sort out the obs, please?

And we'll pop back later. OK. Jolly good.

Ah, didn't see you pop in there.

-Oh, you've decided to join us, have you?

-Yes, sorry.

Right, speak to you about this later.

We're going to see Mrs Rivers.

All-righty. Good. So hello, Mrs...er, Miss Rivers.

Is Mummy coming?

Yes, Mummy is coming. Mummy's going to come soon.

She's not coming, is she, Den?

Um...you shouldn't, er, well, if the mother's not coming...

Not literally coming, no.

It might be in a vision of some kind, or a dream or something.

Well, you don't know...

I would like some sweeties. I want some sweeties.

You're in hospital for a nasty abscess on your bottom. All right?

I just need to have a quick look.

No, I want some sweeties.

Oh, yes. No, we haven't, um, got any...any sweeties...

I've got a Boost.

I've got hundredweight of Murray Mints and a Fudge bar.

No, neither of these are...

Oh, thank you so much, Dr Imbaca.

Here we are, the nice doctor has given you some sweets.

Um, is she diabetic, then?

No, she's not diabetic, I wouldn't have given her sweets if she had been diabetic.

Right. All right, well, you know, this may make her more amenable.

If the sweets don't work, we might think about a mild sedative, then we can have a jolly good look at her.

I don't know if you wanted to have a quick word with Mrs Patput -

-she's leaving today.

-Ah, yes, of course she is.

Yes, you're off, aren't you, Mrs Patput. Um, well, you're looking wonderfully well,

er, wish you the best of luck.

Yes, your husband's phoned - he's going to be in at 12 to pick you up.

Right, so don't keep him waiting. Thank you.

I'm really sorry I was late today.

Do you have an excuse for being late today?

My sister swallowed a pen lid.

Your sister swallowed a pen lid?

You're going to have to think of something a little bit better than that.

Do you want me to treat you to a cuppa in Chatters later, Kim?

We can go and have a look through those pictures for the competition.

Well, I was thinking about having another crack at my essay,

but maybe it's not even worth it.

It would be too much of a sad loss to nursing, really, wouldn't it?

You being so good at hospital corners and all that.

Sarky!

Den, I've been thinking about somewhere for you to stay, I mean...

No, no, honestly.

It's fine.

-I'm sorted.

-Well, where, then?

Oh.

I wanted to show you something, actually.

-PHONE BLEEPS

-What about that one?

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, my L... That's quite rude.

Oh, well, you can only see a bit of the crease.

So, Josh, our vag-at is on the march,

so it's sub-folder C, document PM27.

Click, move, drop into the wallet, control, exit, click,

drag into memory stick and exit.

So I'll leave that little project with you.

Any problems, just ask one of the nursing staff.

Are you all right, Doctor?

Oh, yeah. Oh, what about this one, Kim? That's a good one.

Look, you've got all the sleigh dogs, the husky dogs.

-Oh, it just looks really lovely, doesn't it? The snow...

-The snow's a bit yellow there, though.

Oh.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe you could Photoshop that, or something.

All right. I'll have a go.

The last break I had was two days in Aberystwyth in a caravan.

It pissed down the whole time.

Oh, I hate it when that happens.

Den, I can't work out how to put letters on this card.

Oh, it's easy, Kim. Look, you just...firstly you do...

No, don't tell me how to do it. Can you just do it for me, please?

Swap over.

-Here you go, this is for you.

-Oh, it's my free water.

Thank you so much.

-It's my free water, Kim.

-Lovely.

-See you.

-Bye!

You can help yourself. You need rehydration.

No, thanks. I'll have my Dr Pepper.

Kim, do you think I should put that up to a 22? It's 18 at the moment.

Does that mean bigger?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, bigger.

Bigger.

-Ooh, that's it.

-Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, I'll tell you what,

there's a career for you at Clinton Cards if it all goes tits up here.

Can you sort that, then, and I'll get on with the drugs round?

All right.

Give us a handful of anti-depressants for Dave, will you?

Oh, why?

Oh, he's so bloody miserable cos he ain't got a job yet.

Driving me mad.

-Oh, it's rotten, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is rotten.

Not fair, somehow.

Donald, is that you?

Yeah, hello, it's Kim here.

Yeah, can you pop down? Pick something up.

About ten minutes, yeah? Brilliant, bye.

GENTLE SNORING

Ah, Hansley.

Um...did you speak to Jenny?

-Er, yes.

-Right.

And did she have a job for you at the solicitor's?

Yes, it's an internship.

-Good salary?

-Expenses.

Oh.

Will you be able to afford to...to do it?

I'm not sure... Maybe I'll get a job in the evening or something...

Mmm.

Oh, well, look, perhaps this is, er, will help.

Um, something towards, er...

Oh, no, no, thank you. I cannot accept that.

Oh, please, Hansley, for goodness' sake, you know, please do.

-You're terribly helpful.

-No...

-Thank you.

-Do...with my...

Thank you, I cannot accept that, thank you.

Shall I give it to something like the African...Childhood Trust?

Or education or...um...in your name?

OK, yeah.

Den. Mrs Patput's gone.

-Oh, was her husband early?

-No, no, no!

Like gone, like "gone to heaven" gone.

Are you sure?

Well, I think so.

She'd just had one of Josh's Percy Pigs. What a lovely last meal that is, isn't it?

A bit sudden.

Oh, it's going to be a terrible shock for her husband, innit?

Hmm. Oh, I hope he hasn't left home yet.

Right.

Oh, I'll ring for a doctor.

Hi, Ward K2 here. Yeah,

can we have a doctor, please? Yep. Us soon as you can, thank you.

-Den...

-Oh, hi, Hilary.

Have you got those keys I lent you last night? Oh, yeah...

Hello, Kim.

Hi, Hilary.

Yeah, um, the keys for the, um,

keys for the, um...for the office.

-Er, no. No, I haven't.

-Right.

Have you tried down at the porter's office?

No.

Um, yes, I'll...I'll try them, thanks. Thank you.

-Ooh, someone's been busy.

-Kim...

No, honestly, it's not what do you think. What do I think it is?

-You think we're back together.

-Are you?

No, of course not!

Give us a hand here, Kim.

Listen, c-can I just say, Kim, this is not what do you think it is.

Yeah, I've already said that.

OK.

Can you get that pillow out from under, please?

Thank you.

Oh, have you got Mrs Patput's notes there?

-I have, yeah.

-What year was she born again?

Er, 1934.

Oh, hang on! 1934...

SHE SIGHS

That would've freaked me out if that had worked.

Mmm.

-Denise, could I have a word, please?

-Yes, fire away, yeah.

I'm wearing my oncology ward Christmas card competition facilitator hat here.

Oh, God, have I won?

What do you mean, "Have I won?"?

"Have we won?" - surely?

So you were involved in this farrago, were you?

Has that speccy sister off Ben Nevis won? She's so ambitious, isn't she?

I don't know if this is your idea of some kind of sick joke,

but I've just been in Oncology and someone has sent them in

an obscene picture for the Christmas card competition.

Kim, I told you not to go through my phone.

If you've submitted one of those pictures,

I swear I won't speak to you again. Honestly...

Den, I swear, no, I did not. I put the doggy-snowy-boring one in.

Luckily for you, they seem to have taken it in good spirit.

Surprisingly good spirit, actually.

But the fact is, this could have been a very serious matter.

Now, I'm prepared not to take it any further so long as I have your assurance

that I'll have your fullest support in future

-as union branch secretary?

-Yes, you do.

-Thank you.

Ah, Josh, I need to check something in file two, please, if you don't mind.

That's it. No, that's it, that's it on the top, yes, thank you so much.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be, um...

Oh, and by the way, thank you so much for your Christmas e-card.

Er, it was very nice...

Rather early, but, er... you did send me a Christmas card, did you?

Oh, Dr Moore...

Sorry. I think one of your large-format vulval C-types has been sent

down to kids' oncology for the Christmas card competition.

No, I'm really not with you.

I mean, Kim, Kim, you could explain...

I did not send it. All I did was, I got the memory stick out of the computer,

gave it to Donald and he took it down. It's not my fault.

Are you telling me that we are dealing here

with a picture of a patient's vulva?

Might have been a Toyota Previa.

SHE LAUGHS

It's just a mix-up, Megan, honestly.

-It's not funny.

-Oh, come on!

-It is not funny.

-It's a hospital, Megan, for God's sake!

People see pictures of other people's parts everywhere, on posters...

Someone might have had a laugh, it might have cheered them up, for God's sake.

Well, it is not as funny as that for the person involved because this is a data protection issue.

Us far as I'm concerned, this is a private information issue

which Nurse Wilde has er, violated.

I think you will agree, Dr Moore, that the vulva belongs to somebody

and we need to find out who that belongs to...

The vulva is anonymous at this stage.

We've got to apologise to whichever unfortunate individual

-has appeared in this picture.

-Well, how are we ever going to know

who that is? I mean, they all look very similar.

It's a blind study, so...

Well, look, I have a copy of the picture here.

We can have a look at it and maybe somebody will recognise it.

I wouldn't know mine from Adam.

Would you recognise yours?

I don't think that's appropriate, necessary or certainly not amusing, Kim.

I'm sorry. Actually, could we do this somewhere more private, please,

-if it concerns my research?

-Absolutely.

Let's all go to my office.

Thank you, Josh.

So are we off to view the privates in private, then, Megan?

Oh, Kim, you just are beyond the pale.

Josh, just don't say anything, all right,

this is not your fault, just absolutely, you know...?

Right, what is paramount here is that my research is not affected.

Well, Dr Moore, how many... specimens or samples or whatever,

-how many did you have?

-Um, about 30.

Oh, shavings, we'll never identify it.

No, that's quite severe labial deterioration.

Um, it looks familiar...

Could it be, um...?

I suppose...

Yes, I can confirm that is indeed the lady in question.

That's good, at least we know whose whatsit it is.

Miss Hughes,

my research funding is absolutely vital to the future of this hospital.

I think you will agree it would be foolhardy to put that at risk

by some kneejerk admission by a staff member when...

Dr Moore, may I remind you

that I am the union rep on the Data Protection Committee,

and we are duty bound to disclose to patients or their relatives

whenever information pertaining to a patient has been stored.

-Ah, well, it's hardly been stored...

-Dr Moore, if you'd let me finish?

Now, were there ever to be an appeal or a DPA hearing,

I would be for the chop had I not acted properly and in accordance with the law,

and, frankly, that's not a risk that I'm prepared to take.

But what does that actually mean, Megan?

It means, Nurse Wilde, what we have to tell the patient. We have no choice.

Oh, well, then, we'll have to tell the daughter, won't we?

Ah, no, no, no, not necessarily, no.

Um, Mrs McIntosh, er, is in a coma and current orthodoxy suggests that, er,

she can hear everything that we say.

So I concur with Ms Hughes here that we simply tell the patient.

-So...

-But if she can't acknowledge

that she's heard the apology, then, I'm sorry, we have to tell the relative.

Yes, well, she's coming in this afternoon, so that's lucky, isn't it?

-Good.

-I'm not so sure, though.

I mean, no-one knows how she's going to react.

No, exactly. Us the consultant, I will make the decision on this one.

Not in this case, Dr Moore. Data protection outweighs your authority, I'm afraid.

It's like a game of Top Trumps, innit?

-Kim, I've warned you.

-Sorry.

Nurse Hughes, are you saying that you're prepared to put at risk

the career of a very promising young medical student

simply to score a few points?

They're not my rules, Dr Moore, I just abide by them.

Oh, this is absolute nonsense!

What time did you say she's coming in, Kim?

Oh, about four.

That means you're going to do it then? You're going to make the apology?

Oh, no, not me. I just provide administrative support.

No, no, as this is strictly speaking still a medical matter,

then one of you needs to do that.

But don't worry, I'll be there, as an observer,

to monitor the compliance procedure.

Do you think you'd manage a cup of tea, Mrs Dethick?

I might.

-There you are now.

-Thank you very much.

-I've given you a second sugar today.

-Oh, thank you.

Right, er, Mrs McIntosh's daughter is waiting in Chatters.

Why, what did she say?

Well, nothing. It's not my place to tell her anything.

Right, shall we get this over with?

I'll go and get her.

Here we are.

Ah, good afternoon, Miss McIntosh.

Hello. Is anything wrong? Only I've not got long, I'm on a single bloody yellow.

Ah, yeah, unfortunately, I'm afraid there is.

-You're not turning Mother off, are you?

-Er, well...

I know this sounds harsh, but I think I could just about cope.

It's not really a question about...

Would I actually be required to turn off a switch?

-I don't think I could do that.

-Oh, no, no, Miss McIntosh...

-no question of you turning switches off.

-Oh.

-Shall I start the ball rolling?

-Um...

-I'm happy not to. MEGAN:

-Go ahead, Dr Moore.

Miss McIntosh, I'm afraid there has been a small clerical error

on the part of the nursing staff...

And the medical staff.

Thank you, Nurse Wilde.

-I think perhaps I'd better deal with this.

-Gladly.

You'll remember I asked you for your permission to include your mum

in my vital medical research...

Yes, yes, a photo.

-I'd rather not think about it.

-I understand.

Now, I'm afraid there has been a slight confusion

which has resulted in a picture of your mother's, um...

Vulva.

..er, being, er, distributed around the hospital via the intranet...

In the form of a Christmas card.

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-So we just wanted to...

-SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

..apologise.

Um...

Would you like to sit down, or...?

-Thank you.

-SHE SNIGGERS

Well, you got away with it this time, Kim, my girl,

but let this be a warning.

I'm not a girl.

Den, could I...? Have you had Mrs Dethick's test results back?

-I just want to check those...

-Bloods?

-Yes, please, before I head off. Thank you.

-Yep.

-Here we are.

-Mm-hm, right.

-Oh, dear, yes, that's rather clear.

-Mm. Do we have the CT scan, is that on here?

-Um...

Hang on a minute.

Ah. Oh, dear.

-Yes, that's pretty clear, isn't it?

-Right, do you want to come through with me?

Um, hello, Mrs Dethick.

Hello.

How are you feeling?

Well, I've still got a pain.

Mm, mm, you will have. Thank you, Sister.

Um...

Results are back and, well, not really good news,

but it turns out that you were right all along.

Um, I'm afraid there is something wrong with you.

I knew it, I knew that.

Mm, I'm afraid the most likely, um, scenario

is that you have a tumour on your liver.

-Oh.

-I'm sorry about that.

I'm all right.

Would you like a few minutes?

No. No, no.

Would you like Sister to perhaps, um, stay with you?

-Um...

-No, no.

No, it's OK.

You seem very sanguine.

Well, I...

I'm really pleased, I'm really pleased that I was right.

Jolly good. All right, I'll leave you with Sister and I'll see you later.

-All right?

-Mm, thank you.

-Thank you.

-All-righty.

Are you all right, Mrs Dethick?

Yes, I'm fine!

I'm just pleased that I was right. You see, nobody believed me.

I always believed you.

-Did you?

-I always believed you, Mrs Dethick.

I've been saying to the doctor from the first time you came in...

-Oh!

-..that you knew what you were talking about.

-I'm so glad!

-I felt like an idiot, you see.

-No,

you always had me on your side, Mrs Dethick.

Thank you, thank you.

Percy Pig?

-Mm.

-No, thank you.

Kim?

Kim!

Kim!

# Roll, river

# Keep on rolling

# Ancient lady

# Cold

# Roll, river

# Roll. #