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# Roll, river
# Keep on rolling
# Ancient lady
# Roll, river
# Roll. #
Are you all right?
It's going to be today?
Yeah, I think it probably is, yes.
I mean, I can always suspend the normal visiting hours and...
you know, any members of your family, if you want to...
Yes, her nieces and nephews would so love to...
But she's very comfortable now.
-So don't worry. And if anything changes, I'll give you a call.
-Thank you so much, Sister.
Oh, God! BUZZER
-We'll ring the bell...
-Bloody hell. Kim?
Can you come and sort out these bloody kids?
OK, remember what I said, kids, and remember what Joseph Beuys said -
all human interaction is social sculpture.
Here we are. I have all the paperwork here. Who can I give these consents to?
-Yes, I'll take that.
-Have you got the patient consents?
-Yes, we've got them. You did get them all, didn't you?
-Yeah, all apart from one.
-Oh, that's right, Mrs Carter.
Sorry, Mrs Carter doesn't like children,
so can you please not bother her? She's just round that corner. OK, can I make sure that there is no use
of any kind of paint or any glue or any glitter on the ward?
Of course. Don't worry about it one little bit.
We're going to be doing all that down in the art room.
We just have to assign each one of these little budding artists
to one of your lovely ladies, your patients, and they're going to make a beautiful artwork
in response to the stories and tales that they hear from them.
Good. Well, they're all doolally, deaf or asleep, so good luck to you.
Is that a problem, Sister?
-No. Where are you going to put these artworks when you've done them?
-Well, Elke here has brought
her, erm...Akku-Schrauber, and she's going to be going around taking down these heritage photographs
-on the wall and make room for a new exhibition.
-I'm glad they're going, cos they're depressing.
HE SPEAKS AGGRESSIVELY
Anyway, we're going to have some nice, bright kids' pics up by the end of the day.
Shall I take three with me, then?
-Er, that would be great, and I'll take the rest over here.
-We'll go this way, kids, OK?
-Come along, guys.
I came from the middle of England -
when you look at England, in the middle Staffordshire.
So, what do you like doing in your spare time?
Erm...I like dancing.
And do you like a lot of sports?
(This is not working.)
How long are these stories going to take?
Well, Deborah over there, she's telling her kid
all about when MI6 took her son's trousers to the dry-cleaner's.
I can't open the drugs trolley, can I?
One of these kids could accidentally munch some diamorphine or something.
Yeah, if you don' t get to it first.
-If Pauline Salt doesn't get her metformin, she might go hypo.
-A bit like Darren did last night
when I told him about Dave's new job.
Oh, Kim, that's fantastic!
Oh. Well, that's not so fantastic.
But it's good money, though.
A hundred grand. If you finish the contract.
Well, you get your mortgage paid off back home, though, Kim.
I'd rather pole dance for the chief exec in Chatters.
OK, here we are, this is Jayden.
Jayden, this is, erm, Miss Lewis,
so you guys just have a moment, exchange the moment...
-..allow your ideas to flow freely...
Sorry, I've just got a medical procedure to do.
Don' t let us interrupt your flow, Sister. It's fine.
-Thank you very much just for yourself.
You just listen and you just say whatever.
Here's something for you, love.
-Oh, you're not giving him money, are you, Gwen?
-Oh, well, he seems to be a nice boy.
-You're never going to get rid of him, you know.
Er, Jayden, write it down as inspiration. Just write whatever Miss Lewis has to say down.
I'm sure it'll be totally great, whatever comes out.
Oh, that's a lot of wee!
No, Gwen, everybody wees about 750 millilitres a day, so...
What is that in pints?
What's a pint?
Listen, sorry, I do have a medical procedure that I have to be doing,
-so if you...
-No, no, no, this is all really great.
This is fantastic. Kids, they love the whistle,
and bodily fluids can also be part of the creative process.
Just think of the Vienna Actionists, or Marc Quinn, his blood head.
He took eight pints of his own blood as a self-portrait
and froze it! Wow, awesome!
Is he going to freeze my wee?
-So, what are you going to do for your picture, then?
-I can't draw.
Neither can I. I'm terrible at drawing.
But...I am extremely good at eating sweets. Are you?
-Would you like one?
Oh, hello! Would you like one?
-Oh, go on, then, dig in.
Right! Right, you two, please put that... Can you put that wheelchair back where it was?
Where did you get those from, please?
Can you go and sit down? Now!
Leave it with me. I will sort the wheelchair out. This is hospital property.
DYLAN SHOUTS IN GERMAN Are you writing on that blackboard?
Can you please go and sit down with the others? Put the pen back. It's not your pen. Put it back.
Excuse me, Mr Schwarz... Mr Schwarz? Mr Schwarz!
-Can you please be quiet?
I'm going to go and prepare the art room.
-I'll pick up the children in half an hour.
Excuse me, there is a dying woman in there.
What are you...? What are you doing in there?!
Come straight out!
Thank you very much. Sit down with the others quietly. Can some of you sit on the floor, please?
-You're going to have to get used to all that, Mummykins. They weren't actually being that bad.
Yeah. I mean, I've been putting up with screaming kids for 20 years.
-I mean, you should think yourself lucky.
-I'm losing control of the ward here, Kim.
And who's that woman?
I don't know. Perhaps she's the new pharmacist.
And can you bleep Dr Moore? She's late for ward round.
She's probably been held up, got her head stuck up her own arse again.
Right, ready whenever you are, gents.
Shall we crack on, Sister?
Oh, gents, wonderful news.
We've slayed the dragon. The Dutch are dead in the water.
Pan-European vag-at funding is mine.
And thereby yours. So well done, Josh.
I'll actually be phoning your parents later to tell them the panel highly commended your vulval...
large-format C-types, so,
you know, jolly good. Well done, you. Right, shall we, er, crack on, Sister?
-Right? Where to first?
P...Pauline Salt...? Pauline Salt. Would you like to see Pauline Salt first?
I'd love to see Pauline Salt. Right.
-Excuse me, Kim.
Is he behaving himself, Miss Pitt?
I wouldn't eat too many sweets if I were you, young man.
You might end up losing a leg, like this poor lady here.
-Pauline, I'm afraid, is a bit distressed. Aren't you, Pauline?
You've got phantom limb, Mrs Salt?
That workman's taken away my auntie. And her owl.
Right... Right. OK.
What are her obs this morning, Sister? Has she got a temperature?
Normal. They're normal this morning, yes.
Oh, that's strange. So, gents, erm, this lady is diabetic.
She's lost a leg. BKA.
Previously displaying sound mind, now displaying some signs of confusion.
I'm not confused.
That was my Aunt Sue, and that was her pet owl.
Pet owl, yes. Yes, indeed.
So, differential diagnoses, gents? Any thoughts?
She used to feed it rats she trapped in Beresford Street.
Yes, possible stroke. Yes.
-She used to use it as a bobbin!
-Have you had a memory test, Mrs Salt?
Well, she may not remember, of course. That's the other...
It isn't worth anything. It's just Auntie Sue and Saucer, a little owl.
Mm. I'm wondering if we might refer her straight down for a brain scan. Erm...
Ah, Dr Oxford, hello.
When did you want me to have a look at that lesion you mentioned?
Oh, yes! Thank you for popping down.
Er, I hear congratulations are in order.
Yes, we've trounced the Dutch!
No, no, I, erm... Well, a little bird told me
that your decree absolute's come through in the post.
-So I need to buy you a drink.
Ah! Well, thank you. Mine's a Campari.
Yes, I actually want to talk vulval pruritis with you.
I'm sure you're going to have some probing insights.
Yes, erm... I'd love to.
Sister, do you want to show Dr Oxford our lady with the lesion?
Oh, are you going to Mr Loftus's skills mix presentation?
Yes, for my sins!
-Well, I'll see you in purgatory.
-Yes, indeed! Indeed!
Oh! Erm... It's you.
Sorry, Sister Flixter, isn't it?
-Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, did you, erm, did you get any of my messages?
I left them with your staff nurse.
Ah, no, she's...
Oh, she's administratively incompetent, I'm afraid.
Well, we, erm, we never finished, completed your scan.
Ah, OK. I thought we had finished it. That's...
No. No, erm, I suggested you call down to the ultrasound room
in one of the messages.
-She's useless. Absolutely useless. Sorry about that.
-That's all right.
-Not to worry.
-No, no worries.
Erm, but perhaps you could come down this afternoon.
Sorry, but we've... We're expecting someone to pass away this afternoon.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Yes, I mean...
I really need to be here, you know?
I like to hold their hands. You know, it's just something I like to do.
-Well, why don't you come in your lunch break, then?
-I don't get a lunch break.
Sorry, but I have to crack on with paperwork during the lunch hour.
-Look, it's, um...
It's entirely up to you, but, erm,
it really is in your best interest to come down and...
and complete the scan.
All right. All right, why don't you come down whenever you get a moment?
This is Mrs Garvey.
Hey. How's it going?
-Yeah, it's great.
-Hey, do you want a cigarette?
-Oh, sorry, I forgot. You don't, do you?
-No, I don't.
You know what? I will.
"Skill mixing is an important part of workforce planning within the NHS
"and it's crucial
"if cost-effective and appropriate care can be delivered to all patients..."
What are you doing?
I'm on my lunch break, so...
What are you doing smoking?
Oh, for God's... Leave me alone, Hils, please.
What about the baby?
What's it got to do with you?
-Well, it might have a lot to do with me!
-Is this true?
Oh, come on. Look, stop it. This is ridiculous. Please.
-I thought you were a back-doors man.
-Come on, Vij...
Haven't you heard of seepage? Come on! Vijay! Vijay...
Leave me alone, you slaggy ton!
Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!
I haven't got a bloody baby! I lost it. I lost the baby, all right?
You've lost the baby?
Right, now, who wants to be a nurse like me when they grow up?
-Do you want to?
You can wear a nice dress like this. That'd look nice, wouldn't it?
You are all allowed to wear trousers if you're a male nurse.
HE SPEAKS GERMAN
You want to be a swot?
-Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. We have to go down to the art room...
-Oh, OK, guys.
-..and start making our works, so come with me, team.
-No, you'll have fun.
-You'll have a laugh. No probs. Bye! ALL:
-Bye, see you soon.
-She's really funny.
Here you go, Pauline. How are you feeling?
-Oh, all right.
Oh, I didn't order Moroccan spicy giant couscous.
I ordered the linguine.
OK, let me see what I can do.
-Oh, would you, dear? It might repeat on me.
Have we got any linguines left?
Do you know what? Annapurna cleared me right out of linguine.
I didn't think she'd notice!
OK, well, I'll see what we've got in a minute, then.
Excuse me, dear?
Carol here ordered Szechuan-style salmon
and she's got butternut squash with honey cinnamon butter instead.
-A piece of bread and butter'd do me fine.
-All right, I'll make you a piece of toast, OK?
-Thanks. Thanks, yeah.
-What did you order, babe?
-I don't remember.
Oh, she ordered wild mushroom tortellini.
Oh, she's sharp as a tack, that one.
I know. And Dr Moore thinks she's got dementia.
Skill mixing is an important part of workforce planning within the NHS
and crucial if cost-effective and appropriate care
is to be delivered to all patients.
The nursing workforce - registered nurses, midwives, healthcare assistants -
..represent the largest single staff group,
and their salaries constitute the largest annual budget.
The information I have gathered,
I have compared to established budgets to determine whether adjustments are required
and whether any nursing posts could be converted into HCA posts.
The role of the C-grade HCAs is currently being developed
to enable them to increase responsibility,
for the patient care will remain the responsibility
of the registered nurse.
I've come to see our auntie, Mrs Osbourne. Grace Osbourne.
OK. Come with me. She's just down here in the side ward.
Can I get you a cup of tea?
No, I'm all right, thank you. Thank you very much.
Please go in.
I mean, I don't care whether they're HCAs
or proper nurses as long as they support the clinical decision making.
Do you, erm, do you want to go in convoy back to mine?
-Oh, shouldn't I just pop home and grab my cossie first?
-Sorry, I was miles away.
-Wow, you look sensational.
Oh, thank you. Yes, well, time for a change.
Listen, fantastic news about your vag-at. Congratulations.
Thank you. It's going to be very, very good for the hospital, so...
-Not just the hospital. It won't do your reputation any harm, either.
-No, that is true. Yes. Indeed.
Er, yes, Tom, I was going to ask you,
would you be interested in exploring a private clinic with me?
I think opening up the amenorrheic market is going to be very lucrative.
Absolutely. I think that is a great idea.
Well, listen, I mean, why don't we have dinner,
and, you know, we can talk about it?
When would be a good time?
Tom... If we are going to work together, I should let you know...
I don't know if you're aware,
but you often touch people -
women in a way that can be misleading.
Busted. I do, er, I do like a cougar.
Well, I've always been very fond of ferrets, Tom,
but I wouldn't want one down my trousers.
Come in, Sister Flixter.
-Come and sit down.
Really glad you're here.
So, please, make yourself comfortable.
So, erm, what happened?
Oh, I had a miscarriage.
OK. Erm, so, before, when you said that you hadn't,
had you actually had some bleeding?
Yes, I had.
OK. Well, that would explain what I saw in the scan.
Er, first of all, I should say that, erm, I could see a baby
with a heartbeat,
which means that it was a twin pregnancy,
one baby that was alive and growing
and one that had died.
Are you saying that there is...
Are you saying that there's...
Might have... There's another baby there?
Yes, that's right. Erm...
I don't understand, sorry.
-Well, it means that you could still be pregnant.
Erm, and I'm going to take a scan now to check.
And you'll stay this time?
OK, well, if you'd like to show me your tummy again...
So, if you want to check that in the formulary, Josh, and we'll get on with organising that medication.
Excuse me, Dr Moore, is that medication for Mrs Salt?
-I beg your pardon?
-Is that medication for Mrs Pauline Salt?
Sorry, your point being...?
Well, I mean, she seems perfectly lucid to me.
The woman is babbling about owls, Nurse.
I know you're training to be a doctor, but you've got a long way to go yet.
-Well, actually, I'm not any more, for your information.
Well, I must say, that doesn't surprise me. Yes, medical training is a lot of hard work,
-as Josh will tell you.
-Well, it's not really the work.
Well, it is the work, because, if I do it, I won't have time for anything else.
I won't have any time for the kids,
I won't have time to watch telly with Dave on Friday nights.
-In fact, I won't have any fun at all.
-Yes, well, not to say that
one doesn't have to have the right attributes in the first place,
but as Professor Portnoy-Noor always says, it's the ABCs that make the best doctors -
academicians, brainboxes, competitors. So...
And as Ian Dury says... (Arseholes, bastards...)
Sorry, did you say something?
Yes, I did, actually.
Do I need to discuss this breach with your line manager?
Well, seeing as I don't actually need a reference for being a doctor any more
and I'm about to be skills-mixed out to a healthcare assistant,
it doesn't really apply, does it?
There's baby's heartbeat.
-Yes. Is that...
Which is...? Where's the heart? I can't see.
That's it beating there. Can you see? The head's here.
Arms and legs are kicking nicely.
Excuse me? Last I heard, you didn't work at this hospital any more.
I was guest of the chief executive up until 14 minutes ago,
when I feeded in my findings and put in my final invoice.
So why are you still here, then?
Somebody's nicked my iPad.
If you do see it, it's got my name and number on the back.
I need to put forward my bid for the Cerium cardiac contract.
They're moving into medical provisions. They need cost analysis!
Oh, excuse me, I've got bums to wipe.
-Do you know where the keys are for this?
Since we're celebrating, Josh, would you like to share a slice of fruit cake?
Erm, Josh, this is, erm, my husband...
my ex-husband, Philip Moore.
Erm, Philip, this is Joshua, Mr... Dr Mbaka...
-Very nice to meet you.
-Pippa, you look so different.
-What on Earth are you doing here?
They found a lump. They're operating tomorrow.
-Oh, all right?
Have you taken any of those tablets that Dr Moore prescribed for you?
Oh, not yet, dear.
Well, I told her I was taking enough pills already.
Sorry, it must just be so much worse for you.
-It's just a bit of a shock.
-Well, we are hoping they've caught it in time.
It's just so rare, you know, in a man. Very, very unlucky.
How's Michelle taking it?
Not very well, I'm afraid. I...
I think she's actually regretting taking me on.
-Well, that's rather selfish of her, if you don't mind me saying so.
-I haven't told James yet.
I don't want to give him any further excuses to smoke drugs.
I thought he'd stopped all that. He told me he'd stopped.
I think he thinks that's just what you want to hear.
I suppose I have been rather out of touch.
Well, no-one knows if they're going to be a good enough parent until it's too late.
Look, do you want to come back for a bit?
After the op?
In separate rooms. Erm...
That's very kind. Can I think about it?
It's up to you, Philip. It's up to you, you know.
I think the chemo's going to be the hard bit.
Pippals... Don't worry.
Yeah, no, no, Van Persie scored in the first half,
then they equalised, and then we scored in, like, the last minute.
Quality goal, seriously.
Here we go, Team Silverhill.
-Hello, Mr Schwarz. How did you get on?
We did very well. Everybody's made some lovely responsive artworks.
-Yes, if you want to go through, and I'll take some of the others. Thank you.
-I'll take you over there.
You three, did you have people that you'd spoken to next door?
-Shall we go and see them?
Yeah? Do you want to show me your pictures?
Oh! Oh, that's lovely!
-Hi! You're back?
I drew your picture.
-Oh! This is lovely.
You think I look like that?
Oh, gosh, look at that.
Oh! Liquorice Allsorts. My favourite.
You can't eat them. It's art.
Can't eat them anyway, cos you're diabetic.
We have found the original label by the photographer
with a nice dedication to your auntie and her owl.
Thank you! To tell the truth, I never liked that owl.
Well, it bit me. Look, there. See the scar?
Is that an iPad?
Well, Nurse Kim here lent it to me.
-You can keep that till you're discharged. The owner won't be needing it.
Can we play Angry Birds?
Look, I'll have a game with you later, OK?
HE SPEAKS AGGRESSIVELY
Ah, that's lovely. I like that.
It's like a butterfly, isn't it?
I will treasure that.
Hello. Are you looking for me? There's not a problem, is there?
No, no, no, you're fine. Erm...
Dr Moore said she'd meet me in the car park, and she's not answering her bleep. Have you seen her at all?
-I think she left ages ago.
Well... Not to worry.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Er, no. No, you're fine. Thanks.
Oh, Tatty, gosh, I'm so sorry. Something came up.
-Are we all set?
Erm, mine's the blue soft top in the car park.
-So if you want to come round to the barrier...
Erm, oh, God, sorry, just check if I've got my car keys.
-Sorry, it's just been such a...
Listen, why don't you come with me in mine,
and then you can pick up yours later on? You know? What do you think?
Yes, why not? Yes, all right. Come on, then.
Oh, hello, Dave.
Oh, don't worry. I'll get some fish fingers on the way.
Yeah, I missed the shuttle bus again.
Don't expect me before seven.
Look, Dave, I've been having a think about this Iraq thing.
I mean, I know the money's brilliant and all that, but...
it's just not worth it.
I mean, say something happened?
I mean, we can manage.
Well, we always have done in the past, haven't we?
Oh, come on, cheer up, it's not all bad.
At least I've been off the fags for 18 days.
# Roll, river
# Keep on rolling
# Ancient lady
# Roll, river
# Roll. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd