Episode 1 Going Forward

This programme contains some strong language.

MUSIC: Rule The World by Take That

# Yeah, you and me, we can ride on a star

# If you stay with me, girl

# We can rule the world

# Yeah, you and me, we can light up the sky

# If you stay by my side...# SHE SIGHS

# ..We can rule the world. #

'You're through to Buccaneer 2000 Healthcare.

'We care about your health and we care about your phone call.

'You're currently held in a queue. You're number...53.'

HE COUGHS

SPORTS NEWS ON RADIO

Right, let's get a boost for the week.

Come on!

You're joking!

-What are you mumbling about, Dave?

-This is ridiculous.

-What?

-These deductions they make make no sense at all.

-998.17...

-Yeah.

-I've done 72 hours.

-Yeah.

Look, they've left me with a net pay of 415.

Total deductions - whatever they are - 582.

It's a joke.

With my petrol expenses, about 320 quid I made this week.

Oh, no, look at this twat. Simon Jenkins.

I did Planet Hollywood with him.

He got a 100-dollar tip from Sylvester Stallone.

Look at him now, he's got his own limo company.

But it's a scam. It's meant to be with celebrities. It's all bollocks.

-He's quite nice-looking.

-No, he's not.

-Yes, he is.

-He's a twat, look at him.

-"Why Iraq may be your next pick up."

-Iraq?

-Really?

-They're sending people out to Iraq, hang on.

Have they got a Center Parcs in Baghdad? Let's take the kids.

Let's do it. Look at this. "Is it really that dangerous over there?

"If you look at the stats,

"you're probably more dangerous to drive around at 1am

"on a Friday or Saturday night". This is bollocks.

They haven't been out there. I need to eat, I'm stressed.

All right. I've got to get the kids up.

Max, Kelly, come on!

What's wrong with the toaster?

Oh, I don't think they're coming back to me.

I've been on hold again now for...God knows how long.

Oh, hello, where have you been?

I've been hanging on for ages.

Yeah, I've burnt me tunic.

Can you replace it?

32 quid?

Can you check that? That can't be right.

Yes, I will hold.

32 quid for a new one of these.

DOORBELL RINGS

Max, it's for you.

-Hey.

-Hey, there you go.

-All right, cheers, see you later.

Roxanne's mum's ill, so I've got to take care of Poppy.

Max, what about school?

Max?

Dave, he's not going into school AGAIN.

-So?

-He's got to go to school, it's not fair.

Every time Roxanne's mum's ill, Poppy comes over here.

Why can't Roxanne look after her when her mum's ill?

But Max loves it. Max doesn't like school, he's like me.

Doesn't like school, so he's happy to be with the baby.

Dave, that has got nothing to do with it.

It's Roxanne's baby, too. We've got to sort it out, OK?

Hang on a minute.

DOG BARKS

I never liked school, I'm with him. I'm with Max.

Have you fed Carpet?

-No, have you?

-No.

DOG BARKS

Yeah, all right, all right.

God, you're just like the rest of the family. Eurgh.

Oh, hang on! Er, yeah, don't put me on hold again...

No, please!

Oh, bollocks, they put me on hold again.

Where does this go?

So it IS 32 quid?

It's hardly a high-fashion item, is it?

-RADIO PLAYS MUSIC

-And it wasn't even my fault.

-Kelly, no, I was listening to that.

-Kelly...

-It wasn't my fault.

-Morning!

I did a double shift yesterday. I didn't get home till nine.

I had no time to do any preparation of stuff for today.

Well, I know that they don't need ironing,

but it did, cos it sort of got caught under some stuff.

What? Can't I have some kind of discount?

No, and I'm not doing all double shifts next week, either.

All right just let me look, I can hear...

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

No, it's double shifts again. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not good enough...

Hello? Hello?

What did you do there?

-What?

-What?

-You just cut me off.

-How?

-I took a photo.

-Well, it somehow just disturbed my line...

No, I sent it on Snapchat, I didn't text it.

You used up the phone signal.

If you're using a phone with a signal and I'm using the internet...

You can't use up the phone signal!

You can't sit there and laugh at me, Mr Screwdriver,

king of the toaster repair.

You think the phone got cut off because of their Snapchats,

that's hilarious.

-This is like Mastermind, this is.

-Where am I supposed to put that?

-That is a crumb tray, right, see?

-Dad.

-That is a slot...

-and it goes in it.

-I need to go. Someone...

-I'll do it.

-Thank you.

She can fix a toaster and doesn't know what the internet is.

There we go.

-Toaster now works.

-Sorry it's a bit of a mess.

-Thank you.

-Yoo-hoo.

-Oh, hello.

-Only me.

-How are you?

-Yeah, yeah, well...

All right. How are you?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Yep, fine.

I'm worried about Mum.

Yeah. And?

I don't know, I'm just worried about her, Kim.

All that way away.

-All that way away?

-Yeah.

-It's eight miles to Basingstoke.

It's miserable. Nobody talks to her down there.

The neighbours don't talk to her. She's... She's lonely.

-Cup of tea?

-Yeah, I'd love a cup of tea.

Lovely.

-Bloody hell.

-What?

-Damp.

-What, that little patch?

That is a big patch of damp!

That's just the house crying when it knows you're coming round!

-Ha-ha-ha(!)

-Excuse me... Dave, you are the expert on damp patches.

I will leave you two to it, cos I've got to get dressed.

-I've got to go to work.

-All right, go on.

-But you know I am an expert on wet patches.

-Yes, indeedy.

Thank you very much.

Living room, dining room, kitchen, and the extension is here.

-Brilliant.

-Now, the wall you're talking about is right here.

-Hmm.

-That's where the damp is.

-Yeah.

-That's just a few loose flashes, that's going to go.

-Brilliant.

-There you go, are you happy with that?

-Fantastic. No, it looks great.

-Two rooms.

-Yeah.

-Great, great.

Having a lovely chat about Dave's really interesting plans?

-Really...

-No, just be great for the family, won't it?

-Extra bedroom, maybe en suite, you were saying.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, en suite.

And a great big penis in the corner of room one, I see.

-What are you talking about?

-You what?

-Well, who did this?

-What's that?

It's a rather large wash basin.

Who's ever seen a wash basin that shape, Dave?

Who did that? That shows no respect for the plans.

I suspect Max did it.

-Why would Max do this? It's stupid.

-For a laugh.

-It's not funny.

-It is quite funny.

-Well, I'm very excited for you.

-Thank you very much.

Right, that's enough of that now, come on.

-I've got to go.

-Everyone's slipping into a coma, Dave.

-I've got to go.

-Airport job. See you.

-See you.

-See you, Jackie.

-See you later, sweetheart. Ta-ra.

-Ta-ra, Dave.

You know, I didn't have any breakfast this morning.

-Really? Why not?

-Well, nobody came.

-Oh, that's dreadful.

-When it was the council, they always came.

I had a packet of biscuits by the bed.

-Right.

-So I ate a whole packet of chocolate biscuits.

That is not really much of a breakfast, though, is it?

No. It really wasn't very filling.

Well, it was, actually, but it was a bit sickly.

-Now, that should keep you nice and dry...

-Thank you, that feels lovely.

-Does that feel all right?

-Yes.

-Let's pop you back in.

-I'll try to find out what happened. That's terrible.

-Thank you.

Okey-dokey, good.

-He's a good guy, apparently. Jenko.

-Who? Simon Jenkins?

-Yeah.

You heard about the alleged 100-dollar tip from Sly Stallone?

-Course I have.

-Oh, give me a break.

-It's a story of legend.

-Give me a break, I was there!

-Were you?

-I was there.

He went round telling us, "I can't believe Sly Stallone's given me 100 dollars.

"He's going to come back, I'll be his driver whenever he's in London."

-Yeah, he was his driver.

-He built up his whole empire based as one lie.

-Everyone knows it was a lie.

-It wasn't a lie.

-I tell you, take that back.

-How do you know it's not a lie?

Cos it's a story of legend amongst us drivers.

That's what we all hope for, that one day Sly Stallone or some...

You know what? Stallone flew him out

and he drove for Stallone on Demolition Man,

right, all of The Expendables.

-That's not true, that is...

-It is true, I've heard...

-..blatantly not true.

-I've heard it from the horse's mouth.

Yeah, of course he's going to tell you that, but...

I was at his table at the chauffeurs' gala.

I was in awe of the man.

-Is that limo his?

-Who cares?

-It's leased out. All of them are.

Every car... We all work on leased-out cars.

-This isn't your car.

-Yeah, but...

With the money you earn, you own this car? You lease this out.

He's making out that he's got a massive empire of fleets of cars

and it's all because of his celebrity contacts.

-You know he went out with Claudia Schiffer?

-Ah, bollocks he did.

-He did!

He dumped her and that's why she went out with Matthew Vaughan.

I tell you, she was heartbroken, the poor lass.

He's a good human being. He's a very good human being.

-How do you know him so well?

-I don't know him well. I wish I did.

He sat at my table at the chauffeurs' ball.

He was about two people down from me and I was like...

You just met him the one time?

I know the stories of him.

That's who I look up to. That's who I want to be one day.

-My own fleet of cars.

-I think you're well on your way.

Thank you, but I tell you, that's the thing with you.

It's like, I don't want to get to your age and just have one car.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

You and him... What is he? Your age?

-Bit younger or a bit older than you, Jenko?

-We're the same age.

-Oh, wow.

I think you're a bit jealous of Simon Jenkins.

-Yeah, maybe I'm jealous of everyone.

-You ever been on the beer with him?

-With Simon? No.

-He's choosy about who he keeps his company with.

Right, anything else I can help you with, madam?

I would really like some help with my birthday card for my son.

OK. Right, now, let's start with his name.

-What's your son called?

-Simon.

-Um, how old is he?

-50.

Oh, my word. OK. Well, let's put "happy 50th", then.

And will he be popping round?

Um...I don't think so.

I haven't seen him for a couple of years.

But he'll be round like a shot when I pop my clogs - to sell the house.

Sorry to hear that.

I think you're probably right.

-"Love Mum"?

-Yes.

-Kisses?

-No.

Right, okey-doke, there you go.

Do you think you could post it for me?

-Of course, yeah, no probs.

-It's going to need a stamp.

I haven't got any money on me at the moment.

-Don't worry, I'll sort that out.

-Thank you, thank you.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me, sorry about this.

Max? Well, have you tried winding her?

(The baby won't stop crying!)

No, I can't. I can't!

I want to ask you something, seeing as you're Mr Know-All.

How much is a two-bedroom bungalow in Basingstoke?

Two-bedroom bungalow in Basingstoke?

I think you're going to be looking at 280, 300.

-How much?

-280, 300. It's nice, Basingstoke.

-I used to knock off a little bird up that way.

-Did you?

Cor, a lovely little thing! Yeah.

-She was a sort.

-I got in so late last night.

My fare kept me waiting till two,

then he complained that I was asleep!

What do you mean? What, when he got in the car?

Yeah, he complained I was asleep, yeah.

-Apparently he was ringing me and I...

-Why don't you wear them?

Right, you tell me now, what am I doing?

-You're just sitting there

-No, I'm not, I'm sleeping.

-Eyes are closed. You wouldn't know, though, would you?

-Oh, wow.

Then when the door goes, I hear the door, "Hello, sir!

"How are you doing? You all right? Let's get you home."

That's a good tip. Let me try them on.

-Look, stick those on.

-I think they make it worse, don't you think?

-No, you'll look cooler.

-All right, resting bitch-face.

-Yeah. Exactly.

That goes from seeing someone who might or might not have

just had a stroke, to looking like... You look tough.

You look like a hard nut like that.

-Tell you what, mate...

-"I'll be back."

-What's that?

-It's the Terminator.

Why, when Roxanne's mum is ill, do you always have to look after Poppy?

Why can't Roxanne do it?

Yeah, but Roxanne's got the future, I haven't. OK?

That is rubbish, Max, you've got a future as well.

That is absolute rubbish.

GEARS CRUNCH

-I thought Dad had fixed this bloody gearstick.

-Come on.

Why are you always picking on me? I always try and do the best.

-Well, your best isn't good enough, Max!

-I try my hardest...

You need to sort yourself out and start helping out!

BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES

Now look what you've done.

I tell you what, a real pair of Oakleys, them.

-All right.

-Do you want them?

-These are Oakleys?

-Yeah, I'd love them, but don't give them... I'll pay...

-Oh, no, no.

I can have them? Well, that's... No, I'll give you something.

-No, you have them.

-I'll give you something.

-No, if you want them, have them.

-That's very kind. Thanks, mate.

I've had them for two years, I've had some good times with them.

You take them. You have them, mate. For 17. Give us 17 notes.

-You want how much?

-Give us 17 quid for them. Give us 17.

-I thought you were going to say, like, a fiver.

-They're good glasses. Perfect for your face.

-You genuinely look like Stevie Wonder in them.

-I've only got 20.

I'll give you three quid when I next see you.

You might as well call it 20 and I owe you a favour, or something.

-Get me a coffee some time.

-I'm not getting you a coffee!

That's ridiculous. I'll give you three quid next time I see you.

-I'd rather do that...

-Parking's gone up to £10 an hour.

-..because you're the sort of bloke, who'll go, "Oh..."

-Everything's getting too much. It's crazy.

-Everything's too much money.

-It's too much, I can't take it.

Keep the three quid. It's fine.

Oh, don't get all narky and start running round saying,

-"Terry owes me three quid."

-I'm not getting narky. You said 17,

-I gave you 20.

-And I said I'll give you three quid back.

I'm not buying you a coffee that comes to 2.95, and then we've got a stupid thing about 5p!

I would never have a go at you for 5p!

All right, stay there, I'll be 15 minutes, all right? Tops.

OK.

-Mr Jeffreys!

-Hello!

God, it's so hot in here! Can I just open the door here?

-Yes, yes, yeah.

-Get some fresh air.

-Yes, yes, yeah.

There we are, that's better. How are you doing?

Not too bad.

What are you doing in bed?

I'm in bed because I have bed sores.

Well, I did say to you that

if you stay in bed all the time, you will get bed sores.

Can I have a little look, just to check how they are?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Are they hurting?

Mmm, sometimes, but not all the time.

See, what you need to be doing is,

-you need to be lying on the other side.

-Oh.

-Moving and changing...

-OK.

-..walking about, sitting on the settee.

-Yeah.

Let's just have a little look.

Right, well, the surface of the skin's not quite broken,

but it looks very sore.

-Oh, yeah.

-So you need to be really careful, OK?

-OK, yeah.

-To get out of bed a bit more.

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me just a second.

Hello.

'Hi, yeah, Mum. Mum, I'm outside.'

Max, I know you're outside, I saw you a few minutes ago.

Hello! Look! Me! Mum! Hi! How are you doing?

I've just got a... I have a small problem. The baby's been sick.

You know it says here, "Why Iraq may be your next pick up."

God, I tell you what, they've not got it wrong there, mate.

-They've not got it wrong at all there.

-Why?

-I'd be going if I had a chance. If someone offered me work.

-Would you?

-Oh, yeah.

Why aren't you out there now?

I don't know anyone who lives out there. It's the land of opportunity there. Absolute land of...

-Iraq is a land of opportunity?

-People are...

-Have you BEEN to Iraq?

I wish. I have not, no.

It's a win-win situation, Iraq.

Well, you know someone out there?

Well, I was there once.

And I earned seven grand.

-And...

-How long were you out there for?

Just two weeks.

And you're out here driving, what, for a couple of hundred quid a week?

-Yeah, but, Terry, it's dangerous out there.

-Oh...

-It's dangerous.

It's not... I tell you what and I'll tell you here.

That's not you talking, that's Kim talking.

-That's your missus talking there.

-Yeah, but I've got kids.

Provide for them, then!

Put them through a private school with that kind of money.

This is the best thing I've ever heard you say. If I'm honest...

-You think I should go?

-Mate, if I was you, I'd be biting their hand off.

-It wasn't pleasant, mate.

-The thing about Iraq is, it's just like anywhere else now in the world.

-No, it's not.

-It is. It's the same. Everywhere's the same now.

You have Starbucks, Burger King... um, Harry Ramsden's.

-They've got a Harry Ramsden's?

-In Baghdad.

-In Baghdad?

-Yeah.

-They've got an English fish and chip shop?

-Mate, everywhere's the same.

So you haven't got to worry about where you're going to eat,

because all your favourites are there.

HE SIGHS

-You've had breakfast, have you?

-Oh, is it breakfast time?

Well, no, it's sort of nearly lunchtime.

Yes, it is breakfast time!

No, no, it's nearly lunchtime, but I just want to check that the

breakfast carer came and got some breakfast for you.

-Can you remember?

-Who is she?

Sheena, her name is. Blonde hair? About 25?

You can't remember breakfast?

-I'll get you a sandwich in case you get hungry and I'll get you a cup of tea, all right?

-Yes, OK, thank you.

-One sugar?

-One sugar, please.

-All right.

Stay!

-Mum?

-Yeah.

-Let's have a look.

-BABY CRIES

-Just get it off best you can, all right?

-OK.

She doesn't seem too unhappy about it.

Nah, she's fine.

PHONE RINGS, DOG WHIMPERS

TELEVISION ON

Hello.

Well, yes, obviously, I'm really sorry I haven't ATTAINED

my 12 o'clock care appointment.

Well, I'm running late, aren't I? Everyone's late.

No-one's filled in for this morning.

I don't even know if he's had his breakfast or not.

So it's not just me? Yeah, I know, I'm going, I'm going now, all right?

Yeah. Have you sorted my tunic request?

Can you do that, please? Thank you. No, I'm going to go. I'm going now.

I'm going now. Bye.

Right, Max, I'm going to go and leave you here for a bit, OK?

25 minutes. Be back in a little while.

SNORING

I'm so sorry.

ENGINE FAILS TO START

PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry, sir, that's the missus.

I've got to take this phone call. Do you mind? Is that all right?

Hello, Kim, hi, I'm POB.

-'The bloody car won't start, all right?'

-Yeah, I'm POB.

'What do you mean, you're POB? What's that?'

Passenger... You should know! Passenger on board!

Just watch your language. What's up?

'The car won't start. What am I going to do?'

What do you mean? I just had the car fixed!

It's not, Dave, it is not fixed.

I'm sitting in it and it... Honestly.

-Nothing's happening.

-Listen carefully.

Just pump the accelerator four or five times.

'Pump it and then turn the ignition.'

OK, and then try it, yeah?

ENGINE SPUTTERS

-Nothing.

-Sorry about this.

All right, OK, well...

'Look, look, I've got to get on to my next person.

'Can you come and pick me up?

'You're not that far away, I don't think. Please.'

I've got a passenger on board now, love.

TELEVISION: '..96 hours in the air, getting from London to Adelaide.'

DOOR SLAMS

God, the bloody car won't start, all right?

I'm just going to make a call.

'Now all she needs to do is convince dad Kevin Australia is where they should be.'

Mum.

Kim.

Your favourite daughter.

You all right? You... You sound a bit upset.

Mum, that's not possible.

No, he couldn't possibly have walked in through the door.

Dad died in 2001.

Oh, Mum, make yourself a cup of tea, OK?

-Have a sit-down.

-CAR HORN PEEPS

Oh, listen, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

-All right, all right, I'll speak to you later.

-Come on!

-Can you hurry up?

-Hurry up? I've got to go via the drop-off.

I'm so sorry about this. You don't mind, do you?

-Come on, get moving.

-All right, got to drop off.

-How far's that?

It's on the way... What's he doing here?

-Who?

-Hello?

-DOG WHIMPERS

-It's Mr Jeffreys, my patient.

-Why's he in the car?

-I don't know.

Didn't you even notice him getting in?

No, I didn't. Just get him out.

(Jesus Christ.)

I'm so sorry about this.

It won't be a second, sir.

Mr Jeffreys, I'm sorry. Please, can you come out of the car? Please?

-Oh...

-Watch the dog, get the dog!

You're not coming on the trip with us, I'm sorry.

Can we just... I'll just take you back to the flat, all right?

Well done. Mind, there's a kerb here. That's it. Brilliant.

DOG BARKS

Just had a text from the company saying that...

You remember that bloke who was in the car with us I had to drop off?

-You know, when you all piled in?

-Yeah.

He complained that he didn't like the fact other people got in

and we had a non-agreed route, so they've refunded him

and I'm going to get fined by the company.

-They're docking my pay.

-Oh, I'm sorry, that was my fault, really.

No, it wasn't, I love you, I'd do whatever you want.

-Oh, Dave, I'm really sorry. I feel terrible.

-Yoo-hoo!

-No, it's not your fault, don't worry.

-I feel worse now.

-It's only me!

-Oh, hi, Jackie.

-I'm not stopping.

-Really?

-Listen... No.

Did you talk to Mum?

Yes, might have done.

And?

I thought she seemed really great(!)

Oh, all right, I'm kidding.

All right, OK, she did seem a bit...strange.

-What did she say?

-She said that Dad had just come in the front door.

Do you see what I mean? I've had an idea.

Came to me this afternoon.

What if - obviously, with Mum's blessing - we sell...

SHE sells the bungalow in Basingstoke,

she comes to live with us.

Six months with me, I'll take her first, obviously! Obviously.

Six months with you. Or we could split it? And maybe seven with me?

-Whatever. With the proceeds from the bungalow...

-Oh, here we go.

Well, it benefits everybody!

Mum's not lonely, which is the most important thing.

We don't know how long she's got.

She's got some quality of life before she goes.

And, yes, we benefit as well, but what's wrong with that?

Because we're helping to look after her.

She would like us to see the benefit of that money. I know she would.

-She is alone. She'd like to spend some time with us.

-Course.

-You'd get to finish the extension... Hello, darling!

-Hi!

My little brainbox!

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm good.

I need my money for after-school club tomorrow.

All righty. Well, can you just grab that jar there?

-That's it.

-The jar full of notes that owe me money.

DAVE AND KIM WHISPER

-Let's see what we've got in here.

-Mm-hm.

-Tenner.

-Do you want a tenner, did you say?

-Ideally. I want to pay for tomorrow

-and have the money for the week after.

-Is that your IOU?

-Yes.

-That's Dave's IOU for sweets.

-I'll deal with that.

And that's mine for tights. I can probably manage about a fiver.

-Five, that's enough for tomorrow.

-Here you are, darling.

-No, Jackie, you don't have to. Seriously.

-No, no, no, no. No!

-Thank you, Auntie Jackie!

-My pleasure! You're welcome, darling.

-All right.

-You'll get that back.

-Thanks, Jacks.

-I don't want it back, Dave!

-I'm a bit short at the moment.

-She doesn't want it back, Dave.

Nothing gives me more pleasure. You know I love them kids to bits.

-Thanks, Jacks.

-That's very kind.

-It's no problem.

-Now, listen. Think about it.

-About selling Mum's house?

Well, you wouldn't have any of those sorts of worries, would you?

There'd be plenty of money in there and all the other jars.

Take the pressure off you, you wouldn't have to work so hard. It's just a thought.

-It's a good thought. Thank you very much.

-It's a good thought, isn't it?

Well, all lovely for us, what about you? What would you get out of it?

I'd get to see mum more. I don't worry about her so much.

Yeah, Jackie! I can really see that that motivation's uppermost...

We'll have a little holiday,

-I'll take her on a couple of little holidays.

-And?

I'll pay off a couple of cards, that'll be great, you know?

But that's not the major motivation.

I'm thinking of Mum and I'm thinking of you as well.

I just think it's worth thinking about.

-So I'm going to leave it there.

-That's very kind.

-All right, we'll have a think, thanks, Jackie. Ta-ra.

-Ta-ra.

Realistically, how long do you think she's got left?

I ain't got a clue.

Is that important?

I just want to know so I can get my head round it.

CLATTERING OUTSIDE

Oh, message from the extension there, I think!

-Right, I'm off.

-Blimey! Are you getting up to sort it out?

Erm...airport job.

Can't afford to say no, because of what happened today, so...

-See you later.

-All right, I'll see you later.

SHE SIGHS

Oh...

Dave!

Dave! Dave, hang on, hang on.

-Post that for me?

-Yeah, sure.

-Thanks.

-No worries. Ta-ra.

-See you.

-See you later.

Jackie, it's me.

I've had a think about it.

We're on.

# And it's getting better

# Growing stronger

# Warm and wilder

# Getting better every day

# Better every day

# Getting better every day

# It's getting better every day... #