Episode 2 Going Forward

This programme contains some strong language.

RADIO PLAYS

-That's weird. No answer.

-Who?

-Mum.

At this time of the morning?

She's normally up by now.

She's not got long for this world. Let the woman have a lie in.

How charmingly sympathetic of you, Dave.

-Where's the Marmite?

-I don't know.

I'll just have butter.

Ah, these are amazing things.

Look at these Sat Navs. They know exactly where they are all the time.

Where do you want to go? Let's try...

..where the Marmite is.

Let's try that. Oh, look at that. Looking for satellites.

Redhill.

These things are brilliant.

You've already got a Sat Nav in the car, though.

Yeah, but they give you a second one.

-Yum. A second one?

-It looks dry.

Yeah, you get a second one. You've got to rent the second one

because the one in the car is not always accurate,

-so you've got to get a second one which I...

-That's bollocks.

It's not because it's not always accurate,

it's to get a bit more money off you, isn't it?

Yeah, and do you know, I have to rent it.

So you're going to earn precisely nothing by the end of all

this stuff. Aren't you?!

It's part of the deductions. Yeah, I know.

But it is good. This is better than the one in the car.

And if I get them competing with each other,

it's what drives capitalism.

-Oh, is that right?

-Yes. OK, that's it. Two Sat Navs.

Lucky you. Like Two Jags Prescott.

Two Sat Navs Wilde. I'll put that on my business card.

-Dad, you still haven't sponsored me.

-For what?

-My spelling bee.

We're sponsoring spelling bees now?

Well, yeah, it's all online. I've set up an account.

You just put the money in and it's done. It's easy.

OK. And what if I don't have any money?

Well, if you loved me, you would sponsor me.

If you loved me you'd get your mum to pay for it.

Oh, it's down to me again. Oh, all right, I'll sort it.

-I'll text you the details.

-All right, have a nice day.

-Bye.

-Take those nails off.

SAT NAV SPEAKS

It's gone crazy. It's all in Spanish now.

-Si, si, si, I speak Espanol.

-I'm going to get dressed.

Do you know how to change the factory settings?

You what? How do you...? How do you make this stop?

I can't, I can't, I can't do the...

Can you do, can you do something with this?

-Yeah.

-Can you make it stop?

SAT NAV SPEAKS SPANISH

I can't make it stop, it's not going to work.

SAT NAV STOPS

How did you do that?

That's very good.

That's very good, actually, I'm very impressed.

You're not as stupid as you look.

-Look, it's saying, "Let's go."

-It's only me.

Oh, hello. Where shall we go?

-The extension's coming on, isn't it?

-Oh, thank you.

-Right.

-Are you all right?

-No.

-Well, just before you start...

-Yeah?

I phoned Mum this morning and she didn't answer.

-I was on the phone for ages.

-Yeah, the battery's flat on her phone,

isn't it? I keep asking them to charge it up in that home

but they don't do nothing about it.

I went to see her last night.

While I was there, I had a word with that skinny one.

That tall skinny one, Louise. The assistant manager, I think.

I says, "When's Mum coming home?"

They said, "No, she's got to stay in the care home.

"She's not well enough to come..."

-Because...?

-Well, because she's not well enough.

What do they mean by that?

Well, she's not well enough to be looked after at home,

she has to stay in a care home for the foreseeable future.

So they can make more money out of it, that's what they do.

They keep people in there for longer than they need.

When it comes to the money, she says to me,

"So how will you be arranging to pay?"

I said, "Pardon? What do you mean? We're not..."

-What's the word? To pay. I said...

-We're not paying.

-Yeah.

Well, I felt like saying that, yeah, exactly.

She says, "Oh, no, no, it's your responsibility to pay.

"Well, it's your mother's responsibility and if your mother

"hasn't got the money then it's your...the family's

"responsibility to pay."

Guess how much? £870 a week.

-What?

-£870 a week for the foreseeable future,

because she doesn't qualify for full medical needs.

If she qualified for full medical needs, in other words

if she was worse, then we wouldn't have to pay. They pay.

Surely there's someone else that we've got to...

Well, she's telling me what she says the situation is,

and she says the situation is that if we haven't got the money to pay,

they or somebody can get the money back, forcibly get the money

back from the sale of Mum's property.

-Wait, hang on a minute.

-No, that's what she said.

Shouldn't we just be checking this...

She's got this smirk on her face, I could have smacked her.

Jackie, it's not her fault. Shouldn't we be checking this out?

She was enjoying it. Well, no, we are checking it out.

That's what I've come to tell you.

So I said to her, I said, "I want this on full authority."

She says, "I will get somebody from the local authority to phone

"you tomorrow to clarify the situation."

To put her in a hotel would be cheaper, wouldn't it?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Air B&B or I don't know, Expedia?

I've got to go, I'll let you two talk about it, I've got to go.

-All right, good luck. See you later.

-Thank you, David.

-Yeah, ta-ra.

-Full medical needs.

-Well, look, we...

-I says to her,

"How many medical needs do you want?" I says to her.

She's had a stroke. She's on the cusp of dementia, isn't she?

She gets migraines, she gets stomach trouble.

She's got about ten medical needs already.

I mean, I know it's a little while ago now but we've got quite

a lot of the money left over from the sale of Mum's bungalow.

-Have you?

-You must have quite a bit.

We'll just have to pool that and unfortunately we'll have to use that

to pay for her care.

We'll just split it right down the middle.

We haven't got that much. I need to make a list of things

-that we need to do.

-Er, rewind. What... You haven't got that...

-We haven't got that much. I can't...

-Define that much.

-How much have you got?

-Can I come with you?

-We'll just talk in the car?

-Come to work with me?

No, just, I'll stay in the car. We'll just chat in the car.

-That is ridiculous.

-Please.

-£870 a week, right? That's times four.

-Yes.

Well, look, let's round it up because we don't know exactly.

That's 30... So if Mum lives for a...

If Mum lives for a year. She could live for ten years...

Jackie, excuse me. Don't do the Grim Reaper calculation thing.

Well, I'm just saying, if she does...

Oh, yeah, if she lives for under a year

we might be able to have a holiday in the Seychelles.

That is outrageous.

30 grand a year. How much you got left?

How much have you got left? I might ask you the same question.

If I tell you, will you tell me?

-Yeah, go on, then.

-Who's going first?

-You.

-Have I got to?

How much have you got left, Jacks?

I mean, I just... I can't get rid of this.

-It's making this noise.

-What's it doing?

-I just... I... It's got the wrong language.

-Give it here.

This is my old one.

No, I just got that new from the company today.

That's not, this isn't.... This is about five years old, this thing.

-Is it?

-Yeah, this is an old one, this.

They try and force these things on people,

-say you've got to have them and they say...

-I just can't...

-You know you've got a Sat Nav in the car?

-Yeah, of course,

that's the whole point, we're supposed to have two.

-Why do you need two Sat Navs?

-I don't know why.

-You don't need two Sat Navs.

-I thought you could just put them

-both in and put the address in both and...

-And then whoever's

in the back thinks you definitely don't know what you're doing.

-That's true.

-Everyone's going to say, "Why's he got two Sat Navs?"

You should... Number one, you don't need...

-You shouldn't need a Sat Nav.

-You don't need two Sat Navs.

You shouldn't need any Sat Navs.

What you talking about? Everyone needs a Sat Nav.

Do you think that David Beckham has a Sat Nav

to tell him where the goal is?

-You're telling me you don't use a Sat Nav?

-No.

-You must use a Sat Nav.

-My head's like an atlas.

At 12 years old, I decided I wanted to be

a driver for a living, right?

That's what I wanted to do.

So, where other kids were out playing football

and out reading books, I'd sit there and I'd study the roads of England.

-And that's why I'm so good as a driver.

-So it's all up there?

Yeah. I'm a Sat Nav. I should literally start licensing.

No, if you can get that fixed for me because it's driving me...

-I'll fix it for you.

-It's driving me up the wall.

Let me get this, put that voice in. That's a funny one.

-SAT NAV:

-'Turn right ahead...'

If you're going to need the Sat Nav, you might as well...

-Who's that?

-It's Mr T.

-SAT NAV:

-'Quit your jibber jabber. Turn left...'

-Is that Mr T?

Yeah, well, it's not Mr T, it's someone who's doing an impression

-of Mr T, but customers like that one.

-I can't have that.

I can't have a second rate Mr T driving us around.

Well, Mr T himself isn't going to do Sat Navs, is he?

He's a multi-millionaire.

He's one of the most successful actors of his generation.

He's not going to start going around going, "Oh, what you doing now, Mr?"

You can't use language like that. Get me something else.

Oh, you are fussy about these things, aren't you?

Right, Jacks, I'd be a little bit careful where you

-put your hands when we're in there.

-Why?

She's got a bit of an issue with hygiene, yeah?

Oh, blimey, all right.

-Good morning, Mrs Williams.

-Oh, good morning.

-Hello, do you remember me? Kim.

-Yes, that's right, Kim.

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you too.

-How are you doing?

Oh, not too bad. Sort of on and off, you know.

-But today's a good day.

-Good, can I just introduce...

-This is my sister, Jackie.

-Hello, Jackie.

-Hello, Mrs Williams.

-Your sister?

-Yeah, she's... I know we're quite different, aren't we?

She got the looks, I got the body.

LAUGHTER

Right, I'm just going to sort your bed out, OK?

OK, thank you, thank you, yes.

-I'll just go and give her a hand.

-All right.

-She's got bruises.

-I know, I've seen them.

Well, they're terrible.

Oh, come on, Jacks. You've only been here five minutes. What do you know?

Well somebody's been...

I know, but for all we know, there could be ten different

explanations for it.

You've obviously fixated on the violent, dramatic one.

But I just need to have a think about it

and ask her a few more questions, all right.

-Don't worry about it, it's fine.

-Well, it's you I'm worried about.

-Why?

-What if she says it was you?

-She's not going to do that.

-Isn't she?

-No.

-Is she not a bit...

She could report you. She could report you.

She won't report me. It's nothing to do with me.

But thanks for your concern. It has been noted.

Oh, thanks. That's really helpful. Really helpful.

You could get enough money, I've figured out, if you went and

did a month's work in Iraq. You could earn enough money

to get you out of hock, to live a...

To take the kids and Kim away on holiday.

Go to Spain or somewhere ritzy.

Go somewhere nice, you know what I mean?

So have I got it wrong, have I?

I could be making more than four grand a week?

Mate, I've done some digging about.

-You could be making 12 grand a week.

-12 grand a week?

Take home. They don't pay tax over there or VAT.

-That's all cash in your sky rocket.

-But doing what though?

Security and driving. You go in with a really high bid.

Yeah, but you see I've heard this. I know.

Because there are certain... There are different levels of danger...

-I tell you what...

-When I was there, I was at level three.

You're talking about level one.

Level one is the most dangerous job you could do.

That's the 12 grand and I'm not sure I could do that.

You've seen the videos, people getting wiped out.

19,000 people killed last year, mate. 19,000.

You are... You know what you're really good at, is excuses.

-You've got an excuse for everything.

-But you're talking about level one.

Your car stinks, Dave. Oh, because someone else ate in here.

There's always other people to blame. There's a saying...

You'll never ever, ever, ever be happy if, number one,

you don't unleash your full potential and you're always blaming

other people for your problems.

Yeah, but Terry, we're not playing Russian roulette with my life here.

-Oh, for God's...

-Four grand is OK.

-It's exaggeration, it's...

12 grand is level one maximum danger.

Right, it's the same thing as safari.

You go to safari and everyone goes, "Don't get out of the car

"and don't go near any of the wildlife, they'll kill you."

Do you know what I did when I was there?

I jumped out the back of the little jeep I was in,

walked up to a lion, stroked its mane. No problem.

I tell you, I was like, well, everyone's really exaggerated this,

there's not a problem with it at all.

You got out and you fed the lions?

I didn't feed him, I stroked his mane, jumped back in the jeep

-and I was like, "Drive off."

-Why am I even listening to this?

-This is unbelievable.

-What I'm saying to you, is people will

constantly tell you... Because what it is, mate, it's the government.

The government want you to be scared. It's Iraq, mate,

you've been out there.

-I'm not terrified, I'm just not a fucking idiot.

-Well...

I'm not going to go out there for 12 grand a week. Jesus Christ.

For four... That's more money... You could buy a house with that.

And what's in the contract? Oh, erm, security guard may die.

-You know.

-Is that what it says in the contract?

Death may be... No, that's at level one.

Level one, high risk danger. You have to sign that contract.

You could be driving around in town in this thing

and a big old lorry hits you. And you're dead anyway.

And you're doing it for 300 quid a week or whatever you're getting.

Something's going to kill you, Dave.

And what you've got to do is look inside yourself and go,

"Do you want to be a rich dead man or a poor dead man

"that no-one really respects?"

Because all the boys here are going to respect you a lot more

when you come back to work here.

You won't be like, "Oh, here's Dave who never buys a coffee.

"Here's Dave who doesn't really like football.

"Here's Dave who's always doing his stupid movie quotes that none of..."

People will go, "There's Dave. He's just got back from Iraq."

-All right, so...

-And literally Little Greg, Darren, Tariq, me,

we'll all have a new-found... You'll be welcomed into our group.

It's win, win.

If you go out there and don't get killed, you earn a fortune.

If you go out there and get killed, your family get well paid.

You've got to look at it, mate. It's the best opportunity...

Look, I'm sorry to say this, right.

You're carrying a bit of weight, you're in your 50s, right?

Life has handed you shitty card after shitty card.

All of a sudden, all those shitty cards have suddenly

transferred into 21.

What you going to do? Twist or stick?

-What's this one like, Kim?

-Oh, he's quite independent.

-Oh.

-Lives on his own.

-Mm, what's his name?

-Mr Whyte.

-Mr Whyte.

-Oh, that's a bit weird.

-Is it?

-Well, the door's not normally open.

-Right.

Mr Whyte?

Mr Whyte?

-Oh, my God, Kim.

-What?

-Look at the mess.

Oh, God, that's nothing, honestly.

It's terrible. Shall I clear it up or what?

No, no, we haven't got time. Mr Whyte?

-I'd better phone, actually.

-Oh, all right.

-If he's gone walkabout, which he does do from time to time.

-Does he?

-Can you just pop upstairs for me?

-What, see if he's up there?

-And have a look in the bedroom. Yeah.

-Oh, all right.

-Erm, he's a bit of a merchant banker on occasion.

-Is he?

-Yeah.

-What's he doing living here if he's a merchant banker?

No. Merchant banker. I've caught him a couple of times.

-Oh, my God, Kim.

-Just have a look in the bedroom, will you? And then...

But what if he's...? I can't go in there if he's...

Yes. Well, no, don't go in there, just have a look.

-Not if he's doing that to himself.

-See if he's in there. He won't be.

-Won't he?

-No.

-Bloody hell.

Go on, off you go.

Mr Whyte?

Mr Whyte?

Mr Whyte?

It's Jackie, it's Kim's sister.

-Oh.

-Hello, it's Kim Wilde here.

I've just arrived at Mrs Whyte's. His front door's open

and he's not here. I don't know what you want to do about that.

Can you call me back? Thanks, bye.

-He's not there, Kim.

-Oh.

-Thank God for that.

-Jacks...

-What?

-I was only mucking about. It was a joke.

I was only winding you up.

Anyway, look, Buccaneer are going to call me back, all right?

That is not funny, Kim. My heart was pounding.

Sorry, all right?

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, hi, yeah. Right, good, yeah, OK, will do. Bye.

-OK, we can move on. They're calling the police.

-Oh.

We can get going. Oh, Mr Whyte.

Mr Whyte, where have you been? Come on, come back in.

PHONE RINGS

-That could be them, Kim.

-Oh, OK.

-It's the local authority.

-OK.

-All right, hang on, I'll put it on speaker...

-All right.

-Hello.

-'Hiya, hiya, how's it going?'

-Oh, hello love, yeah, fine, fine.

-Yeah, everything's fine.

-'Oh, good, good.'

-You all right?

'I've got good news. Yeah, I've got good news. I've booked the car in

-'for Tuesday. Service on Tuesday.'

-Oh, great, that's great, Stu.

I'll put it on the calendar when I get home all right?

'Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute. I'm going to have to go.

-'All right, I'll speak to you later.'

-All right love, ta-ra.

'Bye-bye, bye.'

That is very good news, isn't it?

-How long is he going to be?

-'I've just spoke to him,

-'he's been delayed.'

-Yeah, I've been circling

The Grosvenor the last hour.

'Have you got problems with the ticketers or something?'

Yeah, the wardens are being an absolute nightmare.

-They're just a joke.

-'Well, just get a fucking meter then.'

-No, do you know how much parking is around here?

-'£6 an hour.'

-Yeah, well. it's gone up.

-'Well, you'll just have to pay it.'

No, I'm not paying it, mate.

'OK, well that's your choice, I'm not advising you on that.'

-Just let me know when he's coming out, all right?

-'OK, will do.'

Jesus Christ.

Mrs Popat, I'm really sorry we're running a bit late today.

I apologise.

I don't mind. I wish you would be even later.

It's so long till bedtime without company.

I feel terrible now, I wish we could stay a bit longer.

Today, I'm just going to have to leave you a sandwich, all right?

We'll pop the mask back on and next time we'll try

and stay a bit longer.

Alrighty? Take care. All right? See you next time.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-You all right, sir?

-Yeah.

SPANISH SAT NAV SPEAKS

-ENGLISH SAT NAV:

-'At the end of the road, turn left, then turn right.

'Keep left.

'After 200 yards, then turn right.'

-Running late. sir?

-Yeah.

It's not good to be late, not in my line of work, sir.

I'm always early.

You want me there at nine, I'll be there at half past eight.

Might be running late myself tonight.

Got my kid's spelling bee tonight, five o'clock.

And you know what? She wants money. They want money as well.

There's some Just Giving page.

It's called Kelly's Spelly. You've got to give money now.

You can't just go along and support these things,

you've got to give money.

Kelly's Spelly. I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

I won't bother you.

'After 50 yards turn right, then at the end of the road...'

-Kim.

-Yeah.

-I always thought they had like, big, you know, really big,

what do they call it? Extended families, Indians.

You know, and they're all kind of, like they're all helping each other.

All the kids, all the grandkids, all the...

That's what I always thought. And that poor Mrs what's-her-name.

-Mrs Popat.

-Where's all her...? Mrs Popat.

What...? Where's all her family?

Well, maybe she's truly adapted to the British way of life

and her family are ignoring her,

like British families ignore their elderly.

Possibly, dunno.

-SAT NAV:

-'You have reached your destination.'

There you go, sir, can I just give you my card?

Is that all right? It won't take a second, it's just here.

Little card, thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

SPANISH SAT NAV SPEAKS

-Hey, Kelly.

-It's a celebration.

-We celebrated.

I'm so sorry I'm late. Kelly, Mum said you won. Well done.

-I'm so proud.

-I did it. Yay!

-I'm so sorry I'm late.

That's all right, I understand.

There was some idiot who kept me waiting for five or six hours.

You know what it's like. Hello, Poppy. Poppy... Da-da-da-da.

BABY CRIES

She likes that when I do that normally.

-Yeah, can you not do that again?

-You're scaring her.

-It's all right.

-Yeah.

-All right. then. let's... No, no, Poppy, Poppy, it's OK.

She doesn't like you very much.

-It's not helping, is it?

-No.

-Oh, look at that, she's calm now.

-Oh, that's good.

-You're calm now.

Don't look at her too long.

-No, don't look at her.

-I won't look at her.

Ah, you looked at her.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-Kim.

-Hello, all right?

-No.

-What's wrong?

-I spoke to her.

Spoke to who?

Bitch from the local authority.

Jackie, that's a horrible word, bitch.

She was a bitch. She was absolutely horrible.

Rude and cold. Anyway, she says it's true.

What, the money business?

We've got to... We've got to give it all back.

-From the sale. From the sale of the bungalow.

-Right.

Whatever happened, they want it all back.

She called it...

deliberate, oh, God, deliberate deprivation.

Deliberate deprivation of assets,

as if, you know, as if we had deliberately set out...

Sold mum's bungalow. Which we did.

Yeah, but we didn't deliberately set out to take

the money off the council, did we? Because we didn't know

that she was going to have a stroke.

You did this for selfish reasons, mainly.

It was nothing to do with Mum, it was to pay off your debts

and to buy yourself a few nice things.

It's gone tits up and now we have to face the consequences.

You agreed to it. Dave agreed to it.

Mum agreed to it.

We didn't know she was going to have a stroke.

Well, me and Dave will just have to cough up some of the money

that we were going to spend on our very, very luxurious...

-I'm so sorry.

-Oh, Jackie, for Christ's sake.

-I don't want you to spend all your money on...

-On what?

It's not fair to pay for Mum's care, you shouldn't have to

pay for Mum's care, we shouldn't have to pay for it.

We're not paying for it all, you're going to pay for half of it.

-I haven't got anything.

-Well, you'll have to go to bloody work then,

Jacks, won't you? Like the rest of us.

I can't go back to work. I'm too stressed.

I'm not going back to all that bullying.

-I can't go back to that bullying.

-Well, go and work somewhere else.

So, basically, the bottom line, Dave,

is we've got to pay for Mum's care.

Dave, don't drop off when I'm trying to talk about serious things.

-Did you hear what I said?

-Yeah.

-What did I say?

-You said something about the extension.

Oh, Jesus. No, I said we have to pay for Mum's care.

Well, I've made a call.

-What sort of call?

-About a job in Basra.

You're joking.

Six weeks. 1,500, 1,500 a week plus bonuses.

And what's the bonus? That you're not dead at the end of six weeks?

It'll sort us out.

Have either of you put £50 on my spelling bee account?

What for?

Someone donated £50.

-No.

-No? Well, someone has.

This may come as a bit of a surprise to you,

but, you know, I did miss the spelling bee so...

It wasn't me. Who could it be? Could it be Jackie?

Not Jackie, no way.

I don't know who it was. £50.

-It could be the bloke I was driving around today.

-You what?

Yeah, the one who kept me waiting, the one who made me

miss the spelling bee. He didn't say nothing, he just took...

Did he look like he'd put £50 in?

He did, he looked like he'd put £50 in there.

Well, isn't that lovely?

That's pretty nice.

-Surprisingly nice, yeah.

-Yeah. Cool. Thanks, Dad.

There you go, you happy now? There you go. 50 quid.

-What a lovely thing to do.

-I drove him around all day.

That's at least £100 to me, and I thought, give me a tip.

He didn't give me anything.

-He gave me nothing and he gave her 50 quid.

-Well...

Isn't that a bit weird to you?

When she's asleep, get the money out of her piggy bank.

I might do that. I think that's weird.

That's why I'm going to Basra, because I'm no-one's lackie.

When I'm out there I'm my own man. I'll do my own thing.

And you know what? With bullets flying around...

And it's not that bad, by the way.

-Yeah, don't tell me any more now.

-Do not worry.

No, but I'm telling you, I will feel like I'm doing something for myself.

I'm going.

There, you see, so things work out in the end.

Everything looks like... When I go to Basra, it'll work out.

Because life, essentially, is positive.

Look at us, two negatives, get a positive.

Is that right?

-SAT NAV:

-'You have reached your destination.

'You have reached your destination.'

# The rain will fall and the wind will blow

# Sometimes your life will need a crutch

# A little house on the Prairie, or a home on the range

# Is that asking too much? #