The Day Simon Officially Became a Very Good and Totally Employable Actor Grandma's House


The Day Simon Officially Became a Very Good and Totally Employable Actor

Sitcom. Simon is living with Grandma, six months since Grandpa died. He has lost his presenting career.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:070:00:14

DOORBELL RINGS

0:00:310:00:34

Oh, Simon. Can you get it? I'm in the bathroom. >

0:00:340:00:36

Err, yep!

0:00:360:00:38

I can't see it! Where? Show me!

0:00:590:01:01

-Oh, I'm going to cry.

-There, the corner.

0:01:010:01:03

Oh, shh! "BBC commissioned Creative Space

0:01:030:01:06

"after successful pilot..." Blah, blah, blah.

0:01:060:01:08

"..featured former funnyman Simon Amstell." Ahh!

0:01:080:01:10

I'm still funny, just not publicly.

0:01:100:01:13

Shh. Oh, can you believe it?

0:01:130:01:15

Don't speak. Is it confirmed?

0:01:150:01:17

It's confirmed. Look.

0:01:170:01:19

Oh! We need to know when you start,

0:01:190:01:21

you're going to have to have a haircut.

0:01:210:01:23

Do you need more acting lessons?

0:01:230:01:25

Maybe.

0:01:250:01:26

Maybe.

0:01:260:01:27

If the agent isn't calling you back, call Alan Yentob.

0:01:320:01:35

I can't call Alan Yentob.

0:01:350:01:36

Call Alan Yentob! Get it confirmed. Send a text. Send me,

0:01:360:01:39

I'll sleep with him! Do you want me to sleep with Alan Yentob for you?

0:01:390:01:42

-Yeah, could you?

-Which one's Alan Yentob?

0:01:420:01:44

The one you always think is Salman Rushdie, you know?

0:01:440:01:47

He's sort of...

0:01:470:01:48

Oh, no, don't sleep with him.

0:01:480:01:51

He speaks too slowly.

0:01:510:01:53

And he's always walking everywhere. Find someone with a car better.

0:01:530:01:57

Can you see how unbelievable this is?

0:01:570:02:00

Yes. Can I go now?

0:02:000:02:01

No, you can't see it. It's ridiculous!

0:02:010:02:03

They're going to let you act on television!

0:02:030:02:05

Why? Oh, I can feel the shame lifting, can you?

0:02:050:02:09

Yeah, it's good, I exist. I was almost the public.

0:02:090:02:12

-Oh, God forbid.

-And you do whatever they say, you hear me?

0:02:120:02:15

What do you mean?

0:02:150:02:16

Just don't ruin this with all your opinions and your feelings.

0:02:160:02:20

-Wasn't it my instincts that got me the audition?

-No.

0:02:200:02:22

-When I auditioned...

-No!

0:02:220:02:23

-But I'm...

-No.

0:02:230:02:25

-So I should just...?

-Yes.

0:02:250:02:26

You can get yourself a flat now!

0:02:260:02:29

Maybe finally find someone to screw!

0:02:290:02:31

Oi, you stop it! Screw.

0:02:310:02:32

-Sorry.

-OK.

0:02:320:02:34

-See! You're not "completely fucked."

-Oi!

0:02:340:02:36

Who said I was?

0:02:360:02:38

No-one, no-one.

0:02:380:02:40

-My son's back!

-I am still a person.

0:02:400:02:43

-# Hallelujah! #

-All right, all right!

0:02:430:02:45

-Oi, where are you going? Your mother is singing.

-Shower!

0:02:450:02:49

Oh, hang on, put this in the hallway.

0:02:490:02:51

You'll have to get it fixed, you know.

0:02:510:02:53

-It'll just get worse.

-I'll sort it out. Isn't it insured?

0:02:530:02:55

Oh, you can't pay for it, don't be silly.

0:02:550:02:59

It's fine, it's fine.

0:02:590:03:00

We're very proud, Simon.

0:03:000:03:03

You're not a failed nothing nobody any more,

0:03:030:03:05

you're like a real life Paula Abdul!

0:03:050:03:07

Yeah, I'm upstairs now.

0:03:070:03:09

When do they pay you?

0:03:090:03:11

Hello.

0:03:120:03:13

Hi, Simon Amstell!

0:03:130:03:14

Shh! My...my grandma's sleeping.

0:03:140:03:16

Why is your grandma here?

0:03:160:03:17

-Oh, it's her house.

-So why are you here?

0:03:170:03:19

Because I wanted to be creatively free.

0:03:190:03:21

Aren't you on television?

0:03:210:03:22

Sometimes. I just had to sort of sell my flat a bit.

0:03:220:03:25

Listen, I think this is going to sound a bit awful,

0:03:250:03:28

I need you to go, is that OK?

0:03:280:03:29

-Of course, that's cool.

-Sorry. My grandma has invited my aunt and my mum over

0:03:290:03:33

and they don't talk, so it's going to be a bit of a thing.

0:03:330:03:36

My aunt's a bit odd, she doesn't really like people. Especially new young, sexy people.

0:03:360:03:40

Shh! Calm down, Simon Amstell.

0:03:400:03:42

Oh... Just Simon is fine.

0:03:420:03:44

# I slept with Simon Amstell. #

0:03:440:03:47

-Oh, God. OK.

-What? Is that...

0:03:470:03:49

No, fine. Hooray. We didn't actually... What do you want? Tea?

0:03:490:03:52

Do you want tea and then you can go? Or do you want to just go?

0:03:520:03:55

Shall I bring you something for your journey? A grape?

0:03:550:03:57

Are you still buzzing? Do you want some Valium?

0:03:570:04:00

What? No, no, no.

0:04:000:04:01

So, look, thank you for last night. It was good, right? It was good.

0:04:010:04:04

I don't normally go anywhere, I'm very much a recluse.

0:04:040:04:07

Do you know my name?

0:04:070:04:08

Tyler.

0:04:080:04:10

Nope.

0:04:100:04:11

Yes! Tyler. I remember, Tyler.

0:04:110:04:13

Definitely Tyler.

0:04:130:04:14

My dad sells tiles to...tilers.

0:04:140:04:16

-Your dad sells tiles, yeah. And you are Jasper.

-Mark.

0:04:160:04:19

Mark. Not Jasper at all. I quite like Jasper.

0:04:190:04:22

-Why don't you go with Jasper?

-I'm quite used to Mark.

0:04:220:04:24

Good. And I remember the number 18.

0:04:240:04:26

18 or 19?

0:04:260:04:28

-One of those, right?

-14.

0:04:280:04:29

I'm joking. I told you this last night.

0:04:290:04:32

God, you were wasted.

0:04:320:04:34

Me? No, I don't even drink. I was drinking water.

0:04:340:04:36

With about half a gram of MDMA in it.

0:04:360:04:38

You didn't put MDMA in my drink? KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:04:380:04:41

-I'm coming in, are you naked?

-Oh, hang on, hang on.

0:04:410:04:43

Oh, my God.

0:04:430:04:44

Hello! I knew there was something going on. Who are you?

0:04:440:04:48

This is Mark. Mark, this is my mum...

0:04:480:04:50

-You're very young, aren't you?

-I'm nearly 15.

0:04:500:04:53

He's joking, he's very funny. That's one of the things about Mark.

0:04:530:04:56

You never told me you had a hot mum.

0:04:560:04:58

Oh! And thin?

0:04:580:05:00

Oh, yeah, totally. You're the thinnest, you're like a twiglet.

0:05:000:05:03

-Twiglet! Wonderful. Shall we...?

-Oh, hasn't he got lovely hair?

0:05:030:05:06

Hasn't he? Hasn't he? It sweeps.

0:05:060:05:08

Ah, thanks, Simon Amstell.

0:05:080:05:10

-All right...

-Oh! You're so frigid!

-Awkward? You're a bit awkward?

0:05:100:05:14

-Yeah.

-You're feeling happy again, are you?

-Yes, thank you.

0:05:140:05:16

He hasn't had anybody for ages. When was the last time you had sex?

0:05:160:05:19

I kept telling him this is what he needed, didn't I?

0:05:190:05:22

Mummy's always right.

0:05:220:05:23

DOORBELL RINGS

0:05:230:05:25

< Tanya! Simon! I think Liz is here!

0:05:250:05:27

Oh, God, what's she doing here?

0:05:270:05:28

-Acceptance!

-Fuck off acceptance, I'm not the one with issues.

0:05:280:05:32

She hasn't spoken to me for six months.

0:05:320:05:35

My sister is not as funky as me.

0:05:350:05:37

Come on, then.

0:05:370:05:38

Ooh, she'll love this.

0:05:380:05:40

Maybe let's not tell anyone, for Grandma's sake.

0:05:400:05:42

Do you want to stay here? I'll bring you something up.

0:05:420:05:45

What do you want? A banana. I'll bring you a banana up.

0:05:450:05:47

Yeah? Everything's fine. I'm going to bring him a banana.

0:05:470:05:50

Oooh!

0:05:540:05:55

That's her car, isn't it?

0:05:550:05:57

Is she here?

0:05:570:05:59

She just popped in.

0:05:590:06:01

No need to lie, Mum. It's fine. I haven't got a problem with her.

0:06:010:06:04

-Adam! Here you go.

-Oh. Oh, Tanya already brought one.

0:06:040:06:08

Course she did.

0:06:080:06:09

I'll just walk around with a bucket all day, like I'm demented.

0:06:090:06:12

Adam! Am I a window cleaner?

0:06:120:06:15

Adam isn't here, is he?

0:06:150:06:17

-What?

-Now you're both here,

0:06:170:06:19

maybe I'll make a lunch.

0:06:190:06:21

That'll be nice, yeah?

0:06:210:06:23

I'm not the one with the issues, am I?

0:06:230:06:26

Mum!

0:06:260:06:27

Yeah.

0:06:270:06:30

Is it a bit wrong?

0:06:300:06:31

He's 18, we're both kids. Kids! We're kids!

0:06:310:06:35

-You're 31 now.

-A kid!

0:06:350:06:37

Why can't he stay and meet everyone?

0:06:370:06:39

Because he's a child.

0:06:390:06:40

How am I getting him out the house now, do you want to help me...?

0:06:400:06:43

No, you slept with him.

0:06:430:06:44

Not really. Slightly.

0:06:440:06:46

-Look who's popped in!

-Ugh.

-Ugh yourself.

0:06:460:06:50

Sneaky, aren't you? You're a sneaky old woman.

0:06:500:06:52

Stop it, be friendly.

0:06:520:06:54

-Where's Adam?

-I don't know. Should I know?

0:06:540:06:57

He said he was celebrating your drama or whatever it is...

0:06:570:07:00

-Comedy.

-What?

-It's a comedy.

0:07:000:07:02

That's good. He's lost my son now. Perfect, isn't it?

0:07:030:07:07

He's not in your airbed as well, is he?

0:07:070:07:09

Er... What does that mean?

0:07:090:07:11

Is there any way of getting the spare bed back yet or what?

0:07:110:07:13

Adam's friends use it.

0:07:130:07:14

Do they? Or does Barry?

0:07:140:07:16

-Do you mind?

-Simon, can you talk to them?

0:07:160:07:20

Speak about your show!

0:07:200:07:23

Ah, isn't it nice? We're all here together getting on.

0:07:230:07:28

Right, I'm off.

0:07:280:07:29

No, no. Shush, shush! Sit, sit. Liz has popped in.

0:07:290:07:32

I've done food, just in case anyone came.

0:07:320:07:36

Excuse me.

0:07:360:07:37

You should have been looking after him.

0:07:370:07:40

I didn't stay long. He was with a lot of people.

0:07:400:07:42

Why am I holding a bucket?

0:07:420:07:44

All right?

0:07:440:07:45

Oh, here we go.

0:07:450:07:47

Mark? Is it Mark?

0:07:470:07:48

Oh, yeah. Hi, how are you?

0:07:480:07:50

How do you know each other?

0:07:500:07:52

Mark's in Adam's year, how do you know each other?

0:07:520:07:56

We don't, we just met, over there.

0:07:560:07:58

-Oh, thanks.

-Hello!

0:07:580:07:59

Oh, sorry, I thought you were Adam!

0:07:590:08:02

It's Mark Grossman, Mum. You play kalooki with the grandmother.

0:08:020:08:06

Sheila?

0:08:060:08:07

Gosh, what about that?

0:08:070:08:09

Have you heard from Adam?

0:08:090:08:10

Have you come for Sheila's bowl?

0:08:100:08:12

Yes, that's why he's here. Where's the bowl? Let's find this bowl!

0:08:120:08:15

-Did you hear the doorbell?

-Mark's gran wants this bowl.

0:08:150:08:19

-Shall we find the bowl so he can move on with his life?

-There's no rush!

0:08:190:08:21

Do you want to stay for lunch or...?

0:08:210:08:23

No, he probably just wants to take his bowl and have his own lunch.

0:08:230:08:26

Right? Come to the kitchen,

0:08:260:08:28

we'll put some food in your bowl. Do you want a bucket?

0:08:280:08:31

Oh... I'll find it in a minute.

0:08:320:08:35

-So you're 17 or 16? 17?

-16.

0:08:360:08:39

16. Yikes, that's something, isn't it?

0:08:390:08:42

Mark's 16!

0:08:420:08:43

Aaah. What a big boy.

0:08:430:08:45

And are you...are you feeling OK today about things in general?

0:08:450:08:50

I feel great. You OK?

0:08:500:08:52

Sorry, Mark, I think maybe it's in the sideboard.

0:08:520:08:55

16. It's... It's legal.

0:08:590:09:02

-It's not illegal.

-I'm cool, Simon Amstell.

0:09:020:09:04

Simon, Simon, Simon.

0:09:040:09:06

I mean, it's not a betrayal of trust,

0:09:060:09:08

-I'm not a teacher.

-You were more fun than Mr Fingleman.

0:09:080:09:10

-More fun than Mr Fingleman?

-He wanted me to wear school uniform.

0:09:100:09:13

Oh, my goodness.

0:09:130:09:14

-That school doesn't even have a uniform.

-Oh!

0:09:140:09:16

Look, it was a laugh. I had fun.

0:09:160:09:18

Oh, no. Yeah, me too. No, it was fun! Everyone had a lovely time.

0:09:180:09:22

And you drugged ME!

0:09:220:09:23

If anything, I've been raped a bit. Did this Fingleman consent?

0:09:230:09:26

You talking about what we did is giving me an erection.

0:09:260:09:29

-No erections in the kitchen!

-< I found it!

0:09:290:09:31

Why was your phone off? Where are you?

0:09:310:09:34

Well, just come here.

0:09:350:09:36

No, now!

0:09:360:09:38

How do I know you're not lying in a gutter

0:09:380:09:40

pumped full of designer drugs?

0:09:400:09:43

I'm sorry I kept it so long.

0:09:430:09:44

He said he told Simon to tell me he was staying at Callum's.

0:09:440:09:47

I don't remember him saying...

0:09:470:09:49

I've been going out of my mind! How can you forget a thing like that?

0:09:490:09:52

I was on drugs.

0:09:520:09:53

-Oh, stop it, silly.

-Silly.

0:09:530:09:56

All right, I have to shower. There's the bowl. You've got the bowl.

0:09:560:09:59

I could do with a shower, Is that OK?

0:09:590:10:01

-Oh...

-Really?

0:10:010:10:03

Oh, yes, cos your shower's broken.

0:10:030:10:04

Yes, Mark's shower is broken. There is no water pressure.

0:10:040:10:07

Beautifully tiled, I imagine, but there's no...

0:10:070:10:10

Come on, show me where the shower is.

0:10:100:10:11

Oh, you'll find it. It's just at top of the stairs.

0:10:110:10:14

Oh, he'll want a towel.

0:10:170:10:19

-Do you want to find him a towel, Simon?

-What?

0:10:190:10:22

Do you want a shower? Shall we all have a shower?

0:10:220:10:24

-Is this OK? It's not very fluffy.

-That's OK.

0:10:280:10:31

OK. So that's the shower. So you have a shower...

0:10:310:10:33

Are you sure you haven't got... five minutes?

0:10:330:10:35

OK, you have to start with the hot

0:10:350:10:37

and then when it gets really hot,

0:10:370:10:39

then you add some cold and then it should be all right.

0:10:390:10:41

If it becomes cold again, you have to start the whole thing again.

0:10:410:10:44

You'll be all right, won't you? Or you could just go!

0:10:440:10:47

I'm joking. Are you happy? You're happy though. Are you happy?

0:10:470:10:50

-You could make me happier.

-Oh, good luck with it all.

0:10:500:10:54

Funny that your grandma knows my grandma, isn't it?

0:10:540:10:56

It's like we're almost family, does that do it for you?

0:10:560:10:59

Gosh. Well, I'm sweating slightly. So I'm going to go...

0:10:590:11:01

Oh, come on, Simon Amstell.

0:11:010:11:03

If you're going to be my boyfriend,

0:11:030:11:04

you're going to have to chill out, you know.

0:11:040:11:07

OK. And so, that's the soap as well.

0:11:090:11:11

You know how to operate it, yeah?

0:11:110:11:13

Or shall we... Let's... High five!

0:11:130:11:16

There we go. All the best.

0:11:160:11:18

That Mark's a real oddball, you know.

0:11:250:11:27

Adam said there's something wrong with him.

0:11:270:11:29

Apparently, he's very destructive.

0:11:290:11:32

He's nice though. What's wrong with him?

0:11:320:11:34

He's got anger problems.

0:11:340:11:36

He got expelled from his last school

0:11:360:11:38

for killing a frog on a sponsored walk.

0:11:380:11:39

I don't want him getting busy with you.

0:11:390:11:42

Look at me. You need to be concentrating on the show.

0:11:420:11:45

Get rid of him now, OK?

0:11:450:11:47

He's in the shower.

0:11:470:11:48

How's my mum been? Does she talk about anything?

0:11:500:11:53

-Does she ever mention Dad?

-Of course not.

0:11:530:11:55

"It's all fine. No need to discuss it, everything's fine."

0:11:550:11:59

-What was that? My mum?

-Yeah. No?

0:11:590:12:02

Do you think you've lost it a bit?

0:12:020:12:04

I still think we should move the chair...

0:12:040:12:06

Excuse me, but nobody's moving my dad's chair.

0:12:060:12:08

No-one sits in it.

0:12:080:12:09

It's just there creating a creepy energy in the room.

0:12:090:12:12

-Is he talking about himself again?

-SHE SNORTS

0:12:120:12:14

Wow. Laugh, snort, tut! That's something, isn't it?

0:12:140:12:18

When's he moving out?

0:12:180:12:19

-This week probably, OK?

-TELEPHONE RINGS

0:12:190:12:22

Shh! Might be the agent.

0:12:220:12:23

Hello? Oh, hi.

0:12:230:12:25

I'm a bit busy down here at the moment.

0:12:250:12:29

Gosh. OK, you carry on with that.

0:12:290:12:31

All right, bye.

0:12:310:12:33

Who's that?

0:12:330:12:35

It's Mark. He's drying himself.

0:12:350:12:36

How did he get your number now?

0:12:360:12:39

He wanted work experience.

0:12:390:12:41

See!

0:12:410:12:42

Where? With you?

0:12:420:12:44

-He's going to be a boom, um...

-Simon's got a new show!

0:12:440:12:47

Yeah? Has it been confirmed?

0:12:470:12:49

Yes! And he's fixing Mum's leak, OK?

0:12:490:12:52

So he should.

0:12:520:12:53

-Did you sort out your tax bill?

-Oh, yeah, it's fine.

0:12:530:12:56

-It was their mistake?

-No, it was some stuff from the previous year.

0:12:560:12:59

-I had to borrow some money, it's fine.

-How much?

0:12:590:13:01

How much?

0:13:010:13:03

Er...20,000-ish.

0:13:030:13:04

-From who?

-Derren Brown.

0:13:040:13:06

-The magician?

-He prefers illusionist.

0:13:060:13:09

You fix the leak before you pay back Darren Brown!

0:13:090:13:12

-Derren.

-What?

0:13:120:13:14

-Derren.

-Why do you keep saying Darren like that?

0:13:140:13:17

TELEPHONE BEEPS

0:13:170:13:18

-Now what?

-Oi!

0:13:180:13:19

Oh! You got a picture message, darling.

0:13:190:13:22

Oh, my God.

0:13:220:13:24

-What is it?

-Nothing. Just some slightly controversial art.

0:13:240:13:28

Tell Liz about your show.

0:13:280:13:31

Go on, explain.

0:13:310:13:32

Drama, yeah? Or comedy?

0:13:320:13:35

-It's comedy!

-OK! Go on.

0:13:350:13:37

How do I explain it? Are you interested?

0:13:370:13:39

-Everyone in it is playing a sort of version of themselves...

-Ugh.

0:13:390:13:42

-Do you mind?

-Oh, sorry. Yeah, it sounds brilliant.

0:13:420:13:45

It makes it quite engaging, cos you wonder with each person how close...

0:13:450:13:48

-Yeah. I don't know why you can't make something that's actually entertaining for people.

-It will be.

0:13:480:13:53

Normal people don't have the time to concentrate all the time, that's all I'm saying.

0:13:530:13:57

All right. Should I not do it then?

0:13:570:13:59

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, finally!

0:13:590:14:00

Listen, you're on television, you're getting paid,

0:14:010:14:04

I don't care if it's a load of total shit.

0:14:040:14:07

-It won't... I think it'll be really interesting.

-Mm.

-What do people want?

0:14:070:14:10

Just a load of ludicrous characters wandering in and out of rooms,

0:14:100:14:13

just doing something funny?

0:14:130:14:15

Er...Tanya.

0:14:150:14:16

Afternoon, all!

0:14:160:14:19

Oh, God, again? What have you invited him for?

0:14:190:14:22

I didn't, I didn't! Really! I promise!

0:14:220:14:25

# Another day has gone... #

0:14:260:14:28

Oh, fuck.

0:14:280:14:31

# I am still all alone

0:14:310:14:32

# How could this be?

0:14:320:14:36

# You're not here with me?

0:14:370:14:41

# You never said goodbye

0:14:410:14:43

# Someone tell me why

0:14:450:14:48

# Did you have to go

0:14:480:14:50

# And leave my world so cold? #

0:14:520:14:55

Oh, Tanya! So rude!

0:14:550:14:57

# Every day I sit and ask myself

0:14:570:15:00

# How did love slip away? #

0:15:000:15:03

HE HUMS

0:15:030:15:05

I think it was You Are Not Alone.

0:15:050:15:07

It wasn't a bad version.

0:15:070:15:08

Last time he did the All Saints.

0:15:080:15:10

Why is she just sat in there talking to him?

0:15:100:15:13

Can you get rid of him?

0:15:130:15:14

You slept with him.

0:15:140:15:16

Oh. Go on, Simon. We don't need it today.

0:15:160:15:19

For me.

0:15:190:15:20

Go on, you're the man now.

0:15:200:15:22

Isn't it a bit sexist, this...?

0:15:220:15:24

Quick!

0:15:240:15:25

Best to give her a minute.

0:15:250:15:26

Let it all sink in.

0:15:260:15:29

I've got two tickets to Shrek The Musical.

0:15:290:15:31

Oh, really?

0:15:310:15:32

Hey, Captain! I've just heard you sold the Hampstead shag pad.

0:15:320:15:36

Must have made a bloody packet.

0:15:360:15:38

Well, it was interest only, so not really, no.

0:15:380:15:40

He's got nothing. He's been living here rent free.

0:15:400:15:44

Oi! He's been wonderful, he's shown Mum how to put petrol in her car,

0:15:440:15:47

he's fixing the leak, she loves him here, OK?

0:15:470:15:49

Oh, all right, maybe I'll move in as well!

0:15:490:15:51

Oh, no, no, no. Silly.

0:15:510:15:53

Well, er, if you're not rolling in the dough,

0:15:550:15:57

perhaps I could help with this leak?

0:15:570:15:59

I'm on step nine of the big twelve.

0:15:590:16:01

Reconciliation.

0:16:010:16:03

So if you need cash or manpower...

0:16:030:16:06

No, no. Simon's getting it sorted.

0:16:060:16:07

Yeah, thanks for coming though, it's very good of you.

0:16:070:16:10

If it's just the flashing, you'll be fine.

0:16:100:16:12

But if your joists are rotten, your whole roof could be in jeopardy

0:16:120:16:16

and you could be looking down the barrel of 30 big ones.

0:16:160:16:19

Well, let's assume flashing.

0:16:190:16:20

-I'm feeling flashing.

-I know how to deal with leaks, Si.

0:16:200:16:23

Damp is my middle name.

0:16:230:16:25

Oh, God, look!

0:16:250:16:26

It's all down here too!

0:16:260:16:28

Clive!

0:16:280:16:30

Oh, yeah, a whole lot of water's been through here,

0:16:300:16:33

caused some structural damage probably, too.

0:16:330:16:36

Oh! Oh!

0:16:360:16:37

-This chair's seen better days...

-Well, maybe you should just...

0:16:370:16:40

The whole upholstery's...

0:16:400:16:42

Aaah!

0:16:420:16:44

Oh, my God, Lily.

0:16:460:16:47

Oh, no, it's Bernie's chair.

0:16:490:16:51

It's OK, it's fine!

0:16:510:16:53

Doesn't matter. A chair!

0:16:530:16:54

It's not just a chair, it's Bernie's!

0:16:540:16:58

It's OK, it's fine. It was very old.

0:16:580:17:02

Well, I'll throw in a whole new one as well then.

0:17:020:17:05

You sang your song, you broke a chair.

0:17:050:17:06

Come on, we can do this. Let's both walk towards the door, yeah?

0:17:060:17:09

-One step at a time, that's the thing, isn't it?

-What?

0:17:090:17:11

There we go. Come on.

0:17:110:17:13

-Lovely to see you though.

-Bye!

0:17:130:17:16

Oh, God, Si.

0:17:160:17:18

I really shat the bed in there, didn't I?

0:17:180:17:20

No, it's fine. A tiny bit of shit.

0:17:200:17:22

Oh, well, I've got to hand it to you, skipper.

0:17:220:17:24

Looks like you've finally manned up and stepped up to the plate here.

0:17:240:17:28

I always thought you were all mouth and no trousers.

0:17:280:17:30

-Oh, no. I'm both, both.

-How many quotes have you had done so far?

0:17:300:17:33

You'll obviously have to re-insulate.

0:17:330:17:35

Are you thinking blanket or loose fill?

0:17:350:17:38

Er, yeah, the second one.

0:17:380:17:39

-Are you...?

-Right, let's assume it'll all be fine.

0:17:390:17:41

It's probably insured anyway, right?

0:17:410:17:43

-What! Wear and tear?

-You'll be lucky to get a cagoule out of those tightwads.

0:17:430:17:47

What's your damp test reading?

0:17:470:17:48

It was good, really good one.

0:17:480:17:50

What do you mean?

0:17:500:17:51

It was outstanding, five stars, they loved it.

0:17:510:17:54

I don't know, what do you mean?

0:17:540:17:56

-You do have a damp test meter?

-I'm getting one. That's my first job.

0:17:560:17:59

I'm going to test the damp. It'll be fun. Damp is my first name.

0:17:590:18:02

-Damp Simon?

-Damp Simon, yeah. OK.

0:18:020:18:05

Ah, well. Sounds like you know what you're doing.

0:18:050:18:08

Yes, but good luck with everything. The steps and this was amazing.

0:18:080:18:12

Careful.

0:18:120:18:13

Why couldn't you listen to the whole song?

0:18:170:18:19

-Oh, my God.

-Then the chair wouldn't have...

-Shush, shush.

0:18:190:18:22

Oh, well done, you've upset Mum now.

0:18:220:18:24

I'm fine, I'm fine. Be nice.

0:18:240:18:26

It's her!

0:18:260:18:27

Oh, shut up all the time.

0:18:270:18:29

What all the time?

0:18:290:18:30

-OK...

-I got rid of him.

0:18:300:18:32

What, Liz, what? What is it?

0:18:320:18:34

No? Not fussed? OK.

0:18:340:18:36

Nothing. What?

0:18:360:18:39

Go on, spit it out.

0:18:390:18:41

When you go to somebody's house after a funeral, you don't stand up and say,

0:18:410:18:44

"Come on, everybody, back to my house. It'll be more fun."

0:18:440:18:47

-Who wants a quick pickle?

-You know what,

0:18:470:18:49

-if you say you're going to organise things after a funeral...

-Oh!

0:18:490:18:52

Sorry. Simon, have you got any clean pants I could borrow?

0:18:520:18:55

Err... Yeah, I suppose.

0:18:550:18:58

You can't just put out some... Oi!

0:18:580:19:01

You can't just put out some old plain bridge rolls

0:19:010:19:04

and piddly nibbles for 70 people!

0:19:040:19:06

-How dare you!

-It wasn't enough.

0:19:060:19:07

There was no warmth in that house, it was...

0:19:070:19:10

People need to feel looked after, right, Mark?

0:19:100:19:13

I'd spent the whole bloody...

0:19:130:19:15

Simon wants to tell us one of his stories about David Bedingfield.

0:19:150:19:17

I felt ill from it, nothing but crappy cashews.

0:19:170:19:21

-Oi!

-We were all sick of hearing your crying and crying all the time.

0:19:210:19:25

My father had died!

0:19:250:19:27

Nobody likes a show off.

0:19:270:19:29

I'd eaten a lot of nuts!

0:19:290:19:30

OK. Acceptance! We're all different.

0:19:300:19:32

Love, joy...

0:19:320:19:35

You're very cold, you know that?

0:19:350:19:36

You're very wet.

0:19:360:19:38

-Oh, did you get my...?

-Yeah.

0:19:380:19:40

If your father died, would you be happy with a shitty roll?

0:19:400:19:43

What were the fillings?

0:19:430:19:44

Right. Adam's friend needs pants.

0:19:440:19:46

Shall we, why don't we put the chair outside,

0:19:460:19:48

so we don't have to look at it today, is that a good idea?

0:19:480:19:51

I'll call a chair fixer.

0:19:510:19:52

OK. Yeah.

0:19:520:19:54

Yeah? Good. There we go.

0:19:540:19:56

And everything's fine again.

0:19:560:19:58

Oh, he's a good boy, isn't he?

0:19:580:20:00

Yes, what about me, huh?

0:20:000:20:02

Does Mark want to stay for lunch?

0:20:020:20:04

Oh, great, I'm starving.

0:20:040:20:06

Oh, lovely.

0:20:060:20:07

Your producer called. She says to call back if you've got a minute.

0:20:120:20:15

Did you answer my phone?

0:20:150:20:17

It's OK, I said I was your agent.

0:20:170:20:19

Why?

0:20:190:20:20

I could be your agent.

0:20:200:20:22

What did she say?

0:20:220:20:23

-It's OK, I said we were we busy today.

-What?

0:20:230:20:26

It's OK, Tanya.

0:20:260:20:27

It's not OK, Mum.

0:20:270:20:29

You didn't want to come and get me?

0:20:290:20:31

It was ringing, what's the big deal?

0:20:310:20:33

Why are you interfering? Tell him you're Paula Abdul!

0:20:330:20:36

-All right...

-They're having some budget issues. She wanted to know

0:20:360:20:40

-if you'd lower your fee, I said, "No way."

-Call her now!

0:20:400:20:43

-You don't know anything about it, you little shit.

-Are you going to let this bitch talk to me like that?

0:20:430:20:47

-Oh, my God.

-What did you call me?

-Shall I get you some fruit to juggle, Simon?

0:20:470:20:50

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, he's here. Ignore her, she's very uptight.

0:20:500:20:54

Show Mark your juggling?

0:20:540:20:55

He's going now. You've got the bowl.

0:20:550:20:57

I've got a small pineapple.

0:20:570:20:59

Why are you just sitting here? Go and phone your agent!

0:20:590:21:01

-Ah...

-All right?

0:21:010:21:04

I had to leave early, yeah?

0:21:040:21:05

-What?

-What is he saying?

0:21:050:21:08

Nothing.

0:21:080:21:09

What? Spit it out.

0:21:090:21:11

What about Adam's new look? All the hair gel and all this...business.

0:21:110:21:14

Have you slept? How late were you out?

0:21:140:21:17

I only left half an hour after them.

0:21:170:21:19

After Simon, I mean.

0:21:190:21:20

What?

0:21:200:21:21

-There's no spoons! Shall I get some spoons?

-Did Mark...?

0:21:230:21:27

You didn't!

0:21:270:21:28

-All right, Liz. Can we...?

-Your son hasn't...

-Where's that pineapple?

0:21:280:21:32

-Relax.

-He's 16!

0:21:320:21:34

Almost 17. In what, is it three months?

0:21:340:21:36

11?

0:21:360:21:37

11. ..I was drugged.

0:21:370:21:40

To do that, in my dad's box room!

0:21:400:21:43

-What happened?

-He's Adam's age!

0:21:430:21:45

What did you do? Did you toss the salad?

0:21:450:21:47

-OK.

-No, it's not OK, it's disgusting!

0:21:470:21:49

Your son's a degenerate.

0:21:490:21:51

I can't even...

0:21:510:21:52

There was no penetration.

0:21:520:21:55

We just, we just tickled.

0:21:550:21:56

It was only tickling.

0:21:560:21:58

Look, I'm fixing the leak. Who wants me to juggle? Shall I juggle?

0:21:590:22:02

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.

0:22:020:22:05

Call your agent!

0:22:050:22:06

I was half way home.

0:22:080:22:09

Realised I had the old moisture detector in the boot.

0:22:090:22:13

Take me to your loft, Captain. I'm here to check your moisture.

0:22:130:22:16

Oh, God, now what?

0:22:160:22:18

We need to get rid of Mark. NOW.

0:22:180:22:20

Oh, smoking? Are you old enough to...?

0:22:240:22:27

I suppose you are...

0:22:270:22:28

-What's wrong with your mum?

-I think you...

0:22:280:22:31

We should meet up again when you're free, just as friends, you know?

0:22:310:22:34

What? You...you want to meet up and not have sex?

0:22:340:22:37

Is that weirder?

0:22:370:22:38

Don't be such a pervert.

0:22:380:22:40

What do you want from me?

0:22:400:22:41

You need to go. Sorry, I need you to go. Is that OK?

0:22:410:22:45

Can you just go now? Please, could you just go?

0:22:450:22:48

All right! Fucking hell.

0:22:480:22:50

OK.

0:22:500:22:51

He's almost gone.

0:22:570:22:59

Good, can you get rid of Clive now?

0:22:590:23:01

Why? Can't you do it? I've just done my one.

0:23:010:23:04

-Please.

-You sure you don't want to get back with him while he's here?

0:23:040:23:07

Why did nobody tell me how awful he is?

0:23:070:23:10

I did.

0:23:100:23:12

Oh, shut up, Simon. Go! Quick!

0:23:120:23:13

You had a haircut?

0:23:130:23:14

I've straightened, you know that.

0:23:140:23:16

-It's very nice.

-Go! And call your agent!

0:23:160:23:20

Oi, Facebook!

0:23:220:23:23

Stop it! I don't look like him.

0:23:230:23:26

-Why did you shag Mark?

-Shh.

0:23:260:23:28

He's weird. He set fire to Aaron Trupp's kidney in Biology.

0:23:280:23:31

Hi! It's Simon returning your call. Hope you're well and happy.

0:23:310:23:34

Erm, I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? OK, bye.

0:23:340:23:37

Ugh... "Hope you're well and happy."

0:23:370:23:40

Is that anything? What's that?

0:23:400:23:42

It's nothing, isn't it?

0:23:420:23:44

So... Someone's been doing the old underpants charleston, eh?

0:23:440:23:49

Oh, yeah...

0:23:490:23:50

Come on, Si. You've been backing up the hard drive?

0:23:500:23:53

I'm proud of you. How old is this chap?

0:23:530:23:56

16!

0:23:560:23:57

Well, if there's grass on the wicket, let's play cricket!

0:23:570:24:00

Hey! I know what it's like, the irresistible allure of young flesh!

0:24:000:24:04

Remind me to tell you what me and Jeff Bean got up to in Thailand.

0:24:040:24:07

Don't tell your mother.

0:24:070:24:09

I bet you really smashed him to pieces, yeah?

0:24:090:24:11

No, not really...

0:24:110:24:14

You showed him who was boss, yeah?

0:24:140:24:15

Er...I think it was more like we were both self-employed.

0:24:150:24:18

Come on, I bet you stapled him to the bed, eh?

0:24:180:24:21

Well, it's an air bed, so... Are we detecting much moisture?

0:24:210:24:24

Look, Si. I understand.

0:24:240:24:26

This is your gig, you don't want me getting involved.

0:24:260:24:28

I just want to get you started today and then I'll bugger off.

0:24:280:24:32

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:24:320:24:33

Hello!

0:24:330:24:34

Oh, dear.

0:24:350:24:37

Ah, Lilly.

0:24:470:24:48

Oh! Oh, I thought you'd gone.

0:24:480:24:50

I've just got to do this.

0:24:500:24:53

I can't tell you how sorry I am. I owe you an apology, obviously...

0:24:530:24:56

No, no, no. You don't owe me an apology.

0:24:560:24:59

Not just for the chair disaster, but...

0:24:590:25:01

Oh, there's worse things in life than a broken chair.

0:25:010:25:04

Some people have got no legs!

0:25:040:25:05

I just wanted to say, I haven't seen you since Bernie...

0:25:070:25:10

Oh! Where are my big cups?

0:25:100:25:14

Lilly, I can't tell you...

0:25:140:25:16

Oh, well, then don't. Don't tell me.

0:25:160:25:19

You know what he was, Lilly?

0:25:190:25:21

No.

0:25:210:25:22

A bloody gent.

0:25:220:25:24

That's nice.

0:25:240:25:25

I think old Tanya thinks I'm being a bloody fool,

0:25:250:25:28

but I keep hearing Bernie telling me,

0:25:280:25:30

"Keep going, mate. She clearly loves you."

0:25:300:25:33

Right, well...

0:25:330:25:34

Do you think she...?

0:25:340:25:36

-Maybe, maybe.

-Really?

0:25:360:25:38

Right. Well, I've got to get on now, so...

0:25:380:25:41

And I mean, I know what happened to Bernie

0:25:410:25:43

was nothing to do with me running him over that time, but...

0:25:430:25:46

This...this isn't my cup!

0:25:460:25:49

You all right?

0:25:550:25:56

Yeah. Yeah, fine.

0:25:560:25:59

Yes.

0:26:030:26:04

Right, folks, I'd better be off.

0:26:050:26:08

-What's going on with the leak?

-Well, we're talking some major damage.

0:26:080:26:11

Really?

0:26:110:26:12

-Well?

-I'll tell you in a minute.

0:26:120:26:14

Yep, me and Si have had a good poke around and at the very least

0:26:140:26:17

you're looking at stripping back the slates,

0:26:170:26:19

replacing the lats and felt with a breathable membrane

0:26:190:26:21

and then realigning the lead flashing.

0:26:210:26:23

Then, of course, there's your damp removal.

0:26:230:26:26

Am I right, Si?

0:26:260:26:27

Yeah, we detected damp.

0:26:270:26:29

Yeah. Anything up to ten grands worth.

0:26:290:26:31

Oh, my God.

0:26:310:26:33

Yeah, all right. You need to go now, Clive.

0:26:330:26:35

It's enough, you've upset my mum.

0:26:350:26:37

Hang on, hang on....

0:26:370:26:38

-What?

-Aren't you going to see Shrek?

0:26:380:26:40

What? Why are you still here?

0:26:400:26:42

Acceptance, acceptance!

0:26:420:26:44

Stop saying acceptance!

0:26:440:26:46

-It's had very good reviews.

-What's happened?

0:26:460:26:48

Nothing, what about compassion?

0:26:480:26:50

He's saying he's made mistakes and now he wants to pay for the roof.

0:26:500:26:53

Go and see Shrek.

0:26:530:26:54

It's ridiculous not to see Shrek.

0:26:540:26:57

It's "Shrektacular", says The Sun.

0:26:570:26:58

I'd love to see Shrek.

0:26:580:27:00

What did the agent say?

0:27:000:27:02

-Nothing.

-Come on, you better speak now.

0:27:020:27:05

Er... They've...

0:27:050:27:07

It's just going to be a bit more of a traditional show now.

0:27:070:27:09

They've just decided to do it with actual normal actors instead.

0:27:090:27:13

Oh, my God, why? Was it the money?

0:27:130:27:16

Tell them you'll do it for nothing.

0:27:160:27:17

I did.

0:27:170:27:18

Was it your acting?

0:27:180:27:20

It's good acting, I'm doing vulnerability!

0:27:200:27:23

It's not about talking loudly, it's about bringing your insecurity...

0:27:230:27:26

I'm stiff in real life!

0:27:260:27:28

Oh, my God!

0:27:280:27:30

Oh!

0:27:300:27:31

Oh, shit!

0:27:370:27:39

Oh, fuck!

0:27:390:27:41

Hurry up! Bucket!

0:27:410:27:43

Careful, Simon!

0:27:440:27:46

-Leave it!

-Leave it!

0:27:460:27:48

Gangway, folks!

0:27:480:27:50

-Oh!

-Oh!

0:27:500:27:51

Oh, gosh!

0:27:540:27:55

What time's Shrek?

0:27:580:28:00

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:230:28:27

It has been six months since the death of Grandpa, and Simon is living with Grandma. He has lost his presenting career and London flat, but is now set to act in a low-key BBC comedy.

Tanya and Liz haven't spoken to each other since their father's funeral, and Grandma makes an underhanded attempt at bringing them back together. Meanwhile, for the sake of the reunion, man-of-the-house Simon needs to get rid of an interesting young visitor and an uncomfortably persistent Clive.


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