The Day Simon Thought It May Be a Good Idea to Find New Living Arrangements Grandma's House


The Day Simon Thought It May Be a Good Idea to Find New Living Arrangements

Sitcom. Simon tries to get a flat from Liz's husband, Barry, but first he must negotiate his personality.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:06

'I can't help but sympathise with you, Tony.

0:00:070:00:09

'There's one or two round my neck of the woods

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'I'd be happy to see put in camps.

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'Also today, why are you fat?'

0:00:120:00:15

What's he doing? Turn it off, Mum!

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Finished, finished.

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He's lying on my floor, this is what he does in the morning.

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What's wrong with you? Are you still sleeping on that air bed?

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I'm all right, it's just my neck and spine a bit.

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I knew you'd love it here. Has Clive finished the roof now?

0:00:590:01:03

-Pretty much, yeah, I think he's back Monday?

-Don't tell him how attractive I am at the moment. OK.

0:01:030:01:07

Do you want to give me your trousers now?

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Oh, really, they're fine, they're fine.

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Please, for ME, you've been wearing them all week.

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-They're fine. They're fine.

-You may want them for the audition,

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I don't know when I'll be doing another wash.

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Just take your trousers off so you can talk to your mother. Go on, Simon, quick!

0:01:200:01:24

Oh, my God.

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You'll be nice to Liz when she gets here, yeah?

0:01:260:01:29

Me be nice? Who called her to apologise, Mum?

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It was very big of me.

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I know, good girl. Thank you.

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-Where you going?

-My legs are naked.

-I used to wipe your bottom!

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I want to hear about this play you're auditioning for.

0:01:390:01:41

Stop it, this is inappropriate poking!

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Let me out, I need to meditate.

0:01:450:01:46

-Oh, why can't you masturbate like a normal person?

-Oh, Tanya!

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What? When he was a toddler he wouldn't leave it alone.

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-Remember? We thought he'd rip it off.

-Yeah.

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DOORBELL

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What's he doing? Is that how he parades himself around now?

0:02:050:02:09

Look, Barry!

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Barry! Gosh!

0:02:110:02:13

What do you look so shocked for?

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Oh, I just, I just I can't remember when Barry came round for lunch.

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He's always here, Mum.

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Barry? Barry?! No! Is he really here? Am I dreaming?

0:02:210:02:25

# I dreamed a dream in time gone by... #

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-Yes, all right, Tanya.

-Oh, is this a new coat?

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-No.

-No, I remember it. It's nice and brown.

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Aah. How's my sister?

0:02:380:02:41

Yeah, yeah, fine.

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Friends?

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Yeah, OK. Don't need to turn the news on already, do we?

0:02:450:02:49

Yeah, what did we say? I'm here, OK?

0:02:490:02:52

It's OK. Let him watch it, Liz. The news.

0:02:520:02:58

Is anything happening?

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Nothing at all. Apart from the devastating flood in China.

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Oh, China, I'm making fish balls!

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She's making our fish balls.

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I'm making special ones for Simon with no fish.

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Oh, isn't it nice we can all sit in a room together with no tension?

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Of course.

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Why should there be any tension?

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Can we all just have a nice day without any drama?

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Yes, I'm saying it's nice there isn't any.

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-What tension do you think there should be?

-None! That's what I'm saying.

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-I haven't got any tension!

-Lovely!

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-Put that down.

-Go on put it down.

0:03:310:03:33

'Cities downstream are not just inundated,

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'they have been ripped apart to devastating effect.'

0:03:370:03:40

Aah.

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-'Hundreds have died.'

-Isn't this nice?

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So, it's available from now.

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And it's, so it's 600 pounds a month including all the Council tax

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and the... A week? Oh, right.

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Oh, no. Yeah, I was just thinking, er, I might call you back,

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is that OK?

0:03:580:04:00

BANGING FROM THE ATTIC

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-Is this the one you meant?

-Oh, no, I don't need it now, Mum.

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-What do you want that for?

-Can we do it later, Mum?

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Oh, OK.

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-HE SNORTS

-Shall we turn it off now?

0:04:150:04:17

Liz! People are losing their homes! A lot of people have died.

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Oh, it's OK, let him enjoy the flood, Liz.

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Oh, I haven't offered Barry a drink. Can he have tea?

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I know he mustn't have milk.

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I can have milk, who on earth said I can't have milk?

0:04:300:04:32

Oh, no, Liz said that dairy thickens your mucus.

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Semi-skimmed will be fine, thank you.

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-Oh, I've only got full-fat.

-Just black for me.

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Here's the star! Barry's here!

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(Be nice today.)

0:04:510:04:53

Say hello to Barry.

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HE SNORTS

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Gosh, still got that, er...

0:04:570:05:01

What's that?

0:05:010:05:02

The er, the what is it, post-nasal, er, nasal congestion?

0:05:020:05:05

Post-nasal drip, Simon. Does it bother you?

0:05:050:05:08

Oh, no, I was, just, doesn't it bother you?

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-Can't something be done?

-Well yes, Simon, you can take antihistamines,

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which will clear up the drip, but makes the mucus much thicker,

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or there's decongestants, which thins the mucus but increases the drip. Which would you suggest?

0:05:170:05:22

Yeah, just carry on as you are, I suppose.

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Can he have sugar?

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Yes.

0:05:260:05:27

-Simon's got an audition for a play.

-Oh, yes?

0:05:300:05:33

The Tempest. What do you think of that?

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Amazing, isn't it?

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What's amazes me is how any of these actors survive.

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90 percent out of work, the reality is they just end up being

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-a drain on the people around them.

-Not me, you don't mean me, do you?

-No.

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I'll definitely be back in London one day.

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How much do you think rent in London is, per square foot?

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-I don't know.

-Guess.

-I don't even know what a square foot is.

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You're talking 44 pounds a square foot in Central London,

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and that's unfurnished.

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Right. So...

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It wasn't the best idea of the century selling your flat

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at the time you did, I think we did all warn you, Simon.

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Ben Theodore's directing it, tell him.

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This actor he's been obsessed with for five years.

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What about the yoghurt woman?

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She used to be someone, ended up talking about yoghurt.

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He's not Martine McCutcheon.

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No, Martine McCutcheon. I'm not Martine McCutcheon.

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It's such a lovely story, Liz,

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they, er, they bumped into each other on the tube.

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-You managed to pull him yet?

-HE SNORTS

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He said he quite liked my cardigan, that means something, doesn't it?

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-Maybe he'll screw your cardigan.

-Oh, Tanya!

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What, I said, "screw."

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Why would he ask you to audition? Doesn't he want his play to be good?

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I was assertive. I said "I should be in this play.

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"Why aren't I in this play. I can be in a play."

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-He didn't say, "Cos you can't act?"

-No.

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He was quite impressed with me taking the time out to find myself creatively.

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Is that what you said? Out loud?

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-What part is it?

-Ariel. Prospero's servant?

0:06:540:06:58

-Who's playing Prospero? June Sarpong?

-THEY LAUGH

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You shouldn't be the servant. You should be June Sarpong.

0:07:000:07:04

It's Shakespeare! "To be, or not to be..."

0:07:040:07:07

Bloody good question.

0:07:070:07:09

Oh, Clive's here.

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-Thanks, Mum.

-Don't get up.

0:07:110:07:13

-Hello, Bazza.

-Hi.

0:07:150:07:17

What brought you here? Lose a bet?

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Clive, he's like a funny character, isn't he?

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Should send him over to China, maybe cheer them up a bit.

0:07:230:07:26

Si, I'm going to need you to flex your muscles,

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-there's a bunch of stuff in the loft that needs moving.

-What stuff?

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Look at those arms, you want to lay off the steroids, pal!

0:07:320:07:36

Wouldn't say no to another tea when you're ready, Lilly.

0:07:360:07:38

Offshore Earthquake, right? I heard 7.5 on the old Richter.

0:07:380:07:43

Actually 7.5 on the Moment Magnitude Scale.

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Not quite the same thing at all.

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Fastest growing economy on the planet.

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Probably us that has to cough up for it, though.

0:07:520:07:55

OK, shall we then?

0:07:550:07:57

Come on, Van Diesel.

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How long have you been here?

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Most people do get up before midday, Si.

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Gosh, how ridiculous. Maybe I should meditate up here.

0:08:050:08:07

What are we doing? Was that a bit tense with Mum?

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Should I find some way of getting this done myself?

0:08:100:08:13

Got a spare 20 grand you're desperate to get rid of?

0:08:130:08:16

-Oh no, you carry on.

-Are you pushing me away?

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No, no, let's move the boxes.

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No, no, no. I don't need you to move boxes, I need a favour.

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All right, Jewface? Mum said I should Help out.

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Watch where you stand, young Adam, there's a lot of damp,

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and some of the floor isn't as secure as I'd like.

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Here's what I need from you, Captain.

0:08:310:08:33

What do you need?

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Five minutes, alone, with mum, today.

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Really? Could it not be pass you a tool?

0:08:380:08:40

Go on, what do you need? Do you, do you want a mole grip?

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Gosh, you know your tools.

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-We used to do a bit on the show called Toolbox Jury.

-Classic.

0:08:450:08:48

No Listen, I know I came on a bit strong with the song last time,

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but I'm playing the long game now, Si,

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just need five minutes alone today to get things rolling again.

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Then, when she sees this insulation.

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Oh, yeah, she's always been a big fan of InstaFibre.

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Sorry. What do you think you going to say?

0:09:030:09:06

Stop touching things, what are you doing?

0:09:060:09:08

You're just like Dad.

0:09:080:09:09

Seduction isn't about words, Si.

0:09:110:09:13

OK, well, what are we doing, what's happening?

0:09:150:09:20

Simon.

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Yes.

0:09:210:09:23

Never be afraid of silence.

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I am. I am afraid of silence.

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Don't be. What is there to be...

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I don't know, don't like it.

0:09:310:09:32

OK, I get, I get the point, yeah, are you going to talk.

0:09:340:09:37

Talk. Please, I can't take it. Speak.

0:09:370:09:39

OK, shh...

0:09:390:09:41

What are you? Why are you...

0:09:420:09:45

-..Why are you touching my elbow?

-Feel anything?

0:09:450:09:47

Eh, uncomfortable? Again.

0:09:470:09:50

Do you two want to be alone?

0:09:500:09:52

What about this?

0:09:520:09:54

Oh, my God, yep, that's the one. Gosh. That was magical. Thank you.

0:09:540:09:57

It's so funny you living with Grandma now.

0:09:570:09:59

-What do you do all day?

-I don't know, contemplate things?

0:09:590:10:03

-What do you contemplate?

-Living here, loneliness, detachment.

0:10:030:10:06

It's like being at a retreat but with no healthy food,

0:10:060:10:08

and just one old woman.

0:10:080:10:09

-Right, then.

-Hopefully I'll get this play and I can rent somewhere in London, maybe.

0:10:090:10:13

You should get somewhere in Soho, near Dad's work flat.

0:10:130:10:16

-You can walk to the sex shops.

-What's Dad's work flat?

0:10:160:10:19

Dad's work has a load of flats for lawyers and people.

0:10:190:10:23

-But this one's so run-down and tiny no-one ever really uses it.

-Does he ever lend it to anyone?

0:10:230:10:27

Yeah, he's in charge of the keys. Oh, my God!

0:10:270:10:31

Hello!

0:10:310:10:32

Urgh, they're so hairy!

0:10:320:10:36

Yep, they don't make 'em like that any more.

0:10:360:10:38

Although Mum opted for quite a retro vibe.

0:10:380:10:40

What do you want to do with this, Si?

0:10:400:10:42

I don't know, I'll get a bin liner and throw it away?

0:10:420:10:44

Well you can't throw away Bernie's stuff.

0:10:440:10:47

What then? Charity shop? Stop looking.

0:10:470:10:49

There's not even any sex, just naked women bending over.

0:10:490:10:52

Nice work if you can get it. So, you will ask her, yeah?

0:10:520:10:56

Yeah, can I go down now? I don't like it up here.

0:10:560:10:59

You can take it now, I don't mind.

0:11:020:11:04

Mum...

0:11:040:11:05

Just take it. What do want it for anyway?

0:11:050:11:07

I've got a... I've got a fancy dress party coming up, all right nosey?

0:11:070:11:12

-Oh, it's for the fancy dress party?

-Whose?

-You don't know them.

0:11:120:11:16

I'll put it away. Don't worry about it.

0:11:160:11:19

I know all your snippy friends. Why do you have to be so secretive all the time?

0:11:190:11:22

And they're off!

0:11:220:11:24

Ah, I'm putting it away. Can we all...

0:11:240:11:26

So, what are you going as in mum's tracksuit?

0:11:260:11:28

Duh! Uma Thurman. In Kill Bill?

0:11:280:11:33

-How do you know about Kill Bill?

-It was on a fancy dress website.

0:11:330:11:36

-Well, try it on then.

-No, not now.

0:11:360:11:38

Go on! It'll be fun! You can do a fashion show for Barry!

0:11:380:11:42

Get him going a bit. What are you going as?

0:11:420:11:44

He's going as Quentin Tarantino. Aren't you?

0:11:440:11:46

-What's the outfit for Quentin Tarantino?

-A leather jacket. And sunglasses.

0:11:460:11:51

That's the Terminator. Or Fonzie, that's not...

0:11:510:11:54

-No, you have to go as a couple.

-Shouldn't he be Bill then?

0:11:540:11:57

-He didn't want to go as Bill.

-Why not?

-Because he didn't.

0:11:570:11:59

-Why?

-Google him.

-Just tell me!

0:11:590:12:02

The actor died while touching himself in a cupboard, OK?

0:12:020:12:07

How are you Barry?

0:12:130:12:14

Not bad. 300 dead.

0:12:140:12:17

Oh, gosh, that's not good is it?

0:12:170:12:19

Do you not watch the news, Simon?

0:12:190:12:22

I try not to, it's often quite sad, isn't it?

0:12:220:12:24

Well, is it OK if the grown-ups try to remain informed?

0:12:240:12:27

Oh, it's nice they talk, isn't it?

0:12:270:12:30

How's work? How's the world of medical insurance?

0:12:300:12:34

-Why?

-I don't know, it's what people ask, isn't it?

0:12:340:12:37

"How's work?," "How's your wife?" "Sport."

0:12:370:12:40

-I am watching this, Simon.

-Sorry, sorry.

0:12:400:12:42

'Until 9 o'clock yesterday morning,

0:12:420:12:44

'the towns and villages that line the bank of the Yangtze River..."

0:12:440:12:47

Who said, um, Adam said something about your company having a flat?

0:12:470:12:51

-Is that a thing?

-Did he?

-HE SNORTS

0:12:510:12:54

-In Soho, somewhere.

-Yes, Greek Street.

0:12:560:12:58

Greek Street, Mum, that's near where you had your hysterectomy!

0:13:000:13:03

Oh, yeah, nice area, we had pasta.

0:13:030:13:06

Yeah, but that should be quite perfect for me, Soho,

0:13:070:13:09

-if, er, I get this play.

-I don't think so.

0:13:090:13:11

No? Oh, why, is it occupied?

0:13:110:13:13

It's not as simple as that.

0:13:130:13:14

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Simon,

0:13:140:13:17

but the whole world doesn't revolve around you. See?

0:13:170:13:21

So, what, what are you saying? It's occupied?

0:13:220:13:25

Oh, look, Mum, is this our wedding video? How embarrassing?

0:13:250:13:29

You don't want to watch it, do you?

0:13:290:13:31

We're at a critical stage here, Liz.

0:13:310:13:34

310. Just found a family under an office block.

0:13:340:13:37

-Don't bother. Really.

-I just thought maybe...

0:13:370:13:40

Everybody thought I looked like Audrey Hepburn, I don't think so, did you?

0:13:400:13:44

-Who?

-Shall we just stick it on, or..?

0:13:440:13:46

It will only be for about a month.

0:13:460:13:48

Ooh, look fish balls! Look, Barry, your favourite!

0:13:480:13:51

Now, the warm ones are on the right, Liz,

0:13:510:13:54

I remembered you always used to want them warm,

0:13:540:13:56

-and, Tanya, yours are on the left.

-Great.

0:13:560:13:58

It's just Adam said you lend it to people sometimes so I...

0:13:580:14:02

It's a bit more complicated than that.

0:14:020:14:04

Oh, Tanya! Please.

0:14:040:14:05

-I'd be there for like a month maybe and then...

-Tanya!

0:14:050:14:09

-I saw all my old single girls last night.

-Oh, yes.

0:14:090:14:14

We've started Zumba dancing, you should come on Tuesday, Liz.

0:14:140:14:17

It fuses hypnotic Latin rhythms. Do you want to come?

0:14:170:14:21

What?

0:14:210:14:24

No, I'm sure it's a lot of fun for you.

0:14:240:14:27

HE COUGHS AND SNORTS

0:14:270:14:29

What? It's not embarrassing once you get into it, I promise.

0:14:290:14:33

How is this helping?

0:14:330:14:35

Shh, stop now.

0:14:350:14:36

What dancing with a load of flabby middle aged divorcees?

0:14:360:14:40

Why are you laughing at me?

0:14:400:14:43

Fish balls!

0:14:430:14:44

They're laughing at me. Barry's sat there chuckling to himself.

0:14:440:14:48

What's that about Barry Chuckle? Ooh, where's Barry Chuckle?

0:14:480:14:52

Really?

0:14:560:14:58

There's no point being a big grump about it,

0:15:000:15:02

-just ignore the boring wanker.

-Tanya!

0:15:020:15:05

Oh, I didn't know you were there. I didn't mean it.

0:15:050:15:08

You know I think he's wonderful.

0:15:080:15:10

Do you want to come in now? I want everyone together.

0:15:100:15:13

In a minute. Is Clive still here?

0:15:130:15:15

He's not eating with us.

0:15:150:15:17

I sleep with these morons and they refuse to piss off.

0:15:170:15:21

Do I have a bungee rope attached to my vagina or something?

0:15:210:15:24

-Tanya!

-Don't you remember how he assaulted Simon?

0:15:240:15:27

Yeah, but isn't he handy?

0:15:270:15:30

-Suppose so. What?

-What.

0:15:300:15:34

Do you want to say anything?

0:15:340:15:35

Do you want to help your son? It's like the Dictaphone.

0:15:350:15:38

Oh, the Dictaphone.

0:15:380:15:40

Let it go, he wouldn't lend you his Dictaphone, 15 years ago?

0:15:400:15:45

Why would he lie? "Sorry, Simon, don't have a spare one."

0:15:450:15:48

There were two sat in his drawer.

0:15:480:15:49

-Maybe he just...

-Two! Two Dictaphones in his drawer.

0:15:490:15:53

What did you need a Dictaphone for anyway?

0:15:530:15:55

To make my jingles.

0:15:550:15:57

-You might not even get the play...

-Oh.

0:15:570:15:59

Maybe you should wait for something better to come along anyway.

0:15:590:16:03

What's better? This is my chance to be a person again.

0:16:030:16:05

-What do you want me to do?

-I dunno, defend me? Support me?

0:16:050:16:09

Just get me the flat, just tell him I should have the flat?

0:16:090:16:11

Are you masturbating?

0:16:110:16:13

Stop it! Masturbating all the time in my kitchen.

0:16:130:16:19

Do you want me to put these in the wash?

0:16:190:16:21

-Do you not want me to throw away?

-Er, maybe just put it in. No?

0:16:210:16:25

You want me to?

0:16:250:16:27

Yeah they're all right, aren't they?

0:16:270:16:30

-I'll throw 'em, yeah?

-OK, yeah, I suppose.

0:16:300:16:32

How much would they pay you for the play?

0:16:320:16:34

Oh, I don't know, I'm rich in soul.

0:16:340:16:37

Why can't you be in a film with Russell Brand?

0:16:370:16:40

-I don't know.

-He's got real charisma, hasn't he?

0:16:400:16:42

You need to look at him, and see how he does it.

0:16:420:16:46

Cheer up, I'll talk to Barry, OK?

0:16:460:16:48

OK, but don't upset him.

0:16:480:16:49

Excuse me, I have tact, I can deal with the patronising shit.

0:16:490:16:53

-Tanya!

-Why are you still here?

0:16:530:16:56

I'm putting Simon's pants in the bin!

0:16:560:16:58

-She's had her shredded wheat.

-What's wrong with your father? Why won't he lend me the flat?

0:17:040:17:09

-Because he thinks you're irresponsible and selfish.

-Well?

0:17:090:17:12

How often do you think Grandpa was up here with this? Once a week?

0:17:120:17:15

-I don't know. Can't we throw it away?

-Grandpa was such a pervert.

0:17:150:17:18

-He was a human being with a penis.

-Urgh!

0:17:180:17:20

What? It's sweet isn't it to just have the one porn magazine. Sort of loyal.

0:17:200:17:24

Si, look me in the eye and tell me that she's better off without me?

0:17:240:17:27

Oh, God, I don't really like eye contact.

0:17:270:17:29

Maybe just give it some time?

0:17:290:17:31

-She's having a lot of fun with her friends, Zumba dancing.

-What's Zumba dancing?

0:17:310:17:35

It infuses Latin rhythms, everyone's talking about it, it's big news.

0:17:350:17:38

Be warned, Adam, women are like roads,

0:17:380:17:42

the more curves they've got, the more likely you are to kill yourself.

0:17:420:17:46

I'm not seeing the complete picture. What did I do wrong?

0:17:460:17:50

-You got drunk and ran Grandpa over.

-It wasn't that. These things are complicated,

-Come on, you're a mate,

0:17:500:17:55

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, what was it?

0:17:550:17:58

I don't know, maybe you were just trying to look like

0:17:580:18:01

an alpha male all the time?

0:18:010:18:02

I'm a pretty sensitive guy underneath all this.

0:18:020:18:06

Yeah, yeah, me too. Maybe you should have shown that you were fallible?

0:18:060:18:09

it's good to see a bit of vulnerability.

0:18:090:18:11

You're pulling my plonker.

0:18:110:18:13

-No, no, I don't think I am.

-Really?

0:18:140:18:16

All right, you're the boss, I can pretend to be a bit of a loser.

0:18:160:18:21

-OK.

-What about this?

0:18:210:18:22

Vulnerable?

0:18:250:18:26

Erm...

0:18:260:18:28

Bad note. I think just be kind.

0:18:280:18:31

What?

0:18:310:18:32

-I turned two pages at once!

-Oh, God, throw it away.

0:18:320:18:35

We could bring Grandpa back, like Jurassic Park.

0:18:350:18:38

Oh, Simon, I've done something awful.

0:18:510:18:54

-Oh, what?

-I'm very sorry.

0:18:540:18:58

Oh.

0:18:580:18:59

It must have been dry clean only.

0:18:590:19:01

Yeah, maybe.

0:19:020:19:03

I should have checked, it was your favourite.

0:19:030:19:06

Oh, no, that one? No. It was too big, really.

0:19:060:19:10

I'm doing your no-fish fish balls.

0:19:100:19:12

-How are you feeling about me living here?

-It's lovely having you.

0:19:120:19:16

-Is it?

-It's lovely.

-OK.

-Really, lovely.

0:19:160:19:19

I'm feeling a bit concerned that it's been...

0:19:190:19:23

..Am I annoying here?

0:19:230:19:24

No! You annoying? You're my grandson.

0:19:240:19:29

But if Barry's got this flat, I could...

0:19:290:19:30

Oh, you don't want to live in London.

0:19:300:19:32

Just stay here, where's the sense in moving?

0:19:320:19:35

-I could just be nearer the play.

-You can get the tube, easy.

0:19:350:19:37

-Well, still it's just a whole...

-No, no, no

0:19:370:19:40

-you are completely free to go, any time you want.

-Could you talk to Barry?

0:19:400:19:43

Anytime YOU want. I just don't see the sense in it.

0:19:430:19:47

Why can't he have the flat? Just out of curiosity?

0:19:550:19:58

-Tanya, please.

-No, no, I'm very calm.

0:19:580:20:01

It's just he owes a lot of money to Derren Brown, Barry says.

0:20:010:20:05

-Derren Brown?

-This is tension.

0:20:050:20:06

Listen to my voice! Light, smooth.

0:20:060:20:09

-So what is the problem...

-Well, for starters,

0:20:090:20:12

he'd have to prove that he is using it for work purposes.

0:20:120:20:14

Yeah, well he probably got a play now.

0:20:140:20:16

-That doesn't count!

-So what...

0:20:160:20:19

So, what exactly, if you had to put it into words...

0:20:200:20:23

What you don't seem to understand -

0:20:230:20:25

entertainers have the highest insurance premiums.

0:20:250:20:28

When was the last time he entertained anyone?

0:20:280:20:31

-It's not just a question of me handing over my keys.

-It's such a big a deal, isn't it?

-Mum, Mum, Mum.

0:20:310:20:36

If Simon were to use the flat,

0:20:360:20:37

I would have to sign a form to say that I was solely responsible for anything that goes on.

0:20:370:20:41

What do you think is going to go on?

0:20:410:20:43

We don't know, do we?

0:20:430:20:45

-Nothing, nothing will go on.

-Drugs? Prostitutes?

-OK, Mum...

0:20:450:20:48

My son is the most reliable, dull person you could have in there.

0:20:480:20:51

He doesn't even eat fish!

0:20:510:20:53

Tanya. That's enough.

0:20:530:20:54

I seem to remember a certain incident of someone walking

0:20:540:20:58

dog poo into our car.

0:20:580:20:59

-When he was 7?

-We had to have it professionally cleaned.

0:20:590:21:02

-He was 7!

-No I should have known better, it's true.

0:21:020:21:04

If he looked after his money...

0:21:040:21:06

Excuse me, he's rich in soul! You know what forget the flat.

0:21:060:21:11

No, don't forget, remember the flat! Remember!

0:21:110:21:13

Why can't he live with one of his friends?

0:21:130:21:15

Because he's embarrassed about not having any money,

0:21:150:21:17

and is trying to look like a recluse!

0:21:170:21:19

At the end of the day,

0:21:190:21:20

even if I were to make the appropriate calls,

0:21:200:21:22

nothing is guaranteed.

0:21:220:21:23

But, you could call...

0:21:230:21:25

Tanya! He's not a responsible adult, OK?

0:21:250:21:28

What do you mean?

0:21:280:21:30

Actually, I was just talking to Adam in the loft,

0:21:300:21:32

because I'm quite kind you know.

0:21:320:21:34

I feel sort of responsible for him, in a way.

0:21:340:21:36

What? What are you talking to my son about?

0:21:360:21:38

-What did he say?

-No, nothing.

-What's wrong?

0:21:380:21:40

Nothing. I was just talking to him in the loft, I'm saying he's all right,

0:21:410:21:45

-he's cool about stuff.

-Adam!

-What are you doing?

-What did he say?

-He didn't say anything.

0:21:450:21:49

I don't know what he's told you but the reason is Barry snores,

0:21:490:21:52

-that's why he's been sleeping in the spare room. That's all. There's nothing wrong.

-Oh, dear God.

0:21:520:21:56

What's... I mean, he's all right about Grandpa and everything.

0:21:560:22:00

What?

0:22:030:22:05

-Have you had a fish ball?

-No.

-Well have one!

0:22:080:22:11

So, what do you think? It's possible?

0:22:190:22:21

Unbelievable! I will ask for you, OK?

0:22:210:22:24

If it's so important,

0:22:240:22:25

nothing else is going on in the world, as usual, I'll ask for you.

0:22:250:22:29

Thank you, Barry. Say thank you to Barry, Simon.

0:22:290:22:34

Thank you, Barry. When do you think you'll know,

0:22:340:22:36

just so I know what I'm doing with my life.

0:22:360:22:38

Next week, perhaps? Is that OK?

0:22:380:22:40

Yes, perfect, fine. Thank you. Sorry, I won't mention it again.

0:22:400:22:44

You're very kind. Isn't Barry kind? He's very kind.

0:22:440:22:47

What do you think the chances are? 80-20?

0:22:480:22:52

Are you ready? Come on, we're all waiting now.

0:22:540:22:57

No, you'll laugh.

0:22:570:22:59

No, we won't.

0:22:590:23:00

HE SNORTS

0:23:000:23:01

PHONE MESSAGE ALERT

0:23:010:23:03

Is that my phone?

0:23:030:23:05

Oh, I promised I'd ask,

0:23:050:23:06

is there any way you'd be happier getting back with Clive?

0:23:060:23:09

-No!

-OK, just checking.

0:23:090:23:11

I'd be happier with Ralph Moat.

0:23:110:23:13

-Raoul? Raoul Moat?

-Not Ralph?

0:23:130:23:16

Right, you ready? I'm... I'm coming in!

0:23:160:23:18

Ready or not, here goes nothing!

0:23:180:23:20

-They've offered me the part.

-What?!

0:23:200:23:22

I'm coming in!

0:23:220:23:24

Ben spoke to the producer, he's worried that

0:23:240:23:26

they've insulted me asking to audition,

0:23:260:23:28

they think I'm a really interesting choice.

0:23:280:23:31

He's got the play. They've offered it to him, Mum!

0:23:310:23:34

-Oh, thank God. I exist, I'm a person.

-Ah, isn't he clever?

0:23:340:23:38

Well?

0:23:380:23:39

This is going to launch you! Do you hear me? This is it.

0:23:390:23:42

You get Russell Brand a ticket.

0:23:420:23:44

Oh, and he did it all on his own, didn't you?

0:23:440:23:46

No father!

0:23:460:23:47

Hello!

0:23:470:23:48

BOTH: # There's no business like show business

0:23:480:23:52

# Like no business I know... #

0:23:520:23:55

TANYA! You made me put it on!

0:23:550:23:57

Well, Mum, what do you think? It's brilliant, isn't it?

0:23:580:24:01

-When does it start?

-I think rehearsals start Monday.

0:24:010:24:04

Can you stop going on about a stupid bloody play? I'm Uma Thurman here!

0:24:040:24:07

It's good, no?

0:24:120:24:14

Sexy?

0:24:170:24:19

Don't be annoyed, it looks lovely.

0:24:190:24:24

You can keep it, if you want, I don't know what I should come as.

0:24:240:24:28

Are you going as well?

0:24:280:24:30

Oh, no, no, I mean for something else.

0:24:300:24:35

What, another fancy dress party?

0:24:350:24:37

-What's going on? Who's party is it?

-Someone change the record? Liz.

0:24:400:24:44

Will somebody please speak?

0:24:450:24:47

We're having a small party for our anniversary, all right?

0:24:470:24:50

So, what was the part then, in the play?

0:24:520:24:54

Ariel.

0:24:540:24:56

She doesn't care. Are you not inviting me?

0:24:560:24:58

You're not inviting me, are you? No, that's fine.

0:24:590:25:02

Oh, don't make a whole thing about it, Tanya.

0:25:020:25:05

-I'm not.

-I'm getting changed.

0:25:050:25:08

Look, it's a couples thing.

0:25:080:25:10

It's a couples thing.

0:25:100:25:12

Course it is. Yeah, I understand.

0:25:120:25:14

Yeah?

0:25:140:25:16

Cool, OK, good, good.

0:25:160:25:19

Wagamama!

0:25:190:25:21

-Oi!

-God, there's a lock!

0:25:260:25:29

It's what he would have wanted!

0:25:290:25:31

Do you know what? I'm family.

0:25:340:25:37

We have friends who have invited us to their anniversary parties,

0:25:370:25:41

so we have to invite them.

0:25:410:25:42

-Shh, you're invited, you're invited.

-You don't really want to go to this party do you?

0:25:420:25:47

It's the principle. It's my sister's anniversary.

0:25:470:25:50

Yeah, but do you ever even see each other socially, just like,

0:25:500:25:52

you and Liz, for a coffee or something?

0:25:520:25:54

-What?

-Who meets up for coffee?

0:25:540:25:57

We're not some ridiculous women in a TV show. We're a family,

0:25:570:25:59

it's important we're able to sit in the same room together.

0:25:590:26:02

We don't even have to talk, just say hello, keep it light, and go home.

0:26:020:26:06

So, we're all agreed, yeah? Tanya's invited, yeah, Barry?

0:26:060:26:13

-Maybe you could come with Clive?

-Don't mention Clive all the time.

0:26:130:26:16

Well don't keep him in the loft then.

0:26:160:26:19

-You know what? Fuck you both.

-Tanya!

-And you!

-Oh!

0:26:210:26:24

Sorry, not you. You're both so high and mighty, aren't you?

0:26:240:26:28

-No.

-What are you talking about now?

0:26:280:26:31

You couldn't just say, "Yeah, of course Simon can use the flat for a couple of weeks,"

0:26:310:26:34

-No, no, you have to make it like it is really putting you out!

-Tanya!

0:26:340:26:38

-Tanya, what you don't seem to...

-HE SNORTS

0:26:380:26:40

..understand is...

0:26:400:26:42

Well, I wonder why it's difficult for me to...

0:26:420:26:44

-SHE SNORTS

-..Understand?

0:26:440:26:45

Sorry, that wasn't necessary.

0:26:450:26:48

Oh, she's got such a mouth.

0:26:480:26:49

He's talking to the person for me, please let's not make a whole thing.

0:26:490:26:52

We all do things for family, Barry.

0:26:520:26:55

He's doing it. Thank you again, by the way. It's very good of you.

0:26:550:26:58

He did say he'd ask.

0:26:580:27:00

-Why couldn't you lend him your Dictaphone?

-Oh!

0:27:000:27:03

-What?

-What? I don't know what she's talking about.

0:27:030:27:06

Every time I come into this house another drama. Thank you.

0:27:060:27:10

Well, thank you all for a brilliant day.

0:27:100:27:11

Hang on, I'm still talking.

0:27:110:27:14

So, what are you going to go as?

0:27:140:27:16

Thanks, Tanya. Thanks very much. All I wanted was one pleasant day.

0:27:160:27:20

-Oh, shut up!

-Shh, shoosh. Is he OK?

0:27:200:27:24

-I tried, didn't I? Tried again with your family.

-What?

0:27:240:27:27

All right. So you'll let me know, yeah? That's a nice coat.

0:27:270:27:31

CRASHING FROM UPSTAIRS

0:27:310:27:32

Oh, what was that?

0:27:320:27:34

What's happened?

0:27:340:27:37

It all just came from up there.

0:27:370:27:39

Oh, gosh, my ceiling.

0:27:410:27:43

Oh, my God. Who's is all this?

0:27:430:27:46

-Er, it's Simon's.

-Not mine, they're...

0:27:460:27:48

Actually folks, they're mine.

0:27:480:27:50

-What?

-Sorry gang, it gets quite lonely up there.

0:27:500:27:53

What do you think you're doing,

0:27:530:27:55

dropping your pornography all over my son?

0:27:550:27:58

-You could have killed him.

-You didn't bring these..

0:27:580:28:00

Sorry, Lily, I'm a fallible old pervert, nothing can be done.

0:28:000:28:03

I'll be gone as soon as I fix the roof, well,

0:28:030:28:06

and this hole in the ceiling now.

0:28:060:28:08

I think it may be best if you went now.

0:28:080:28:09

Right.

0:28:090:28:11

No, hang on. Clive's fixing my Mum's roof.

0:28:110:28:15

-It doesn't look like it.

-Did you offer to do it?

0:28:150:28:18

No. What are you doing for this family? You don't masturbate, no?

0:28:180:28:23

You just have functional sex twice a year with Kill Bill?

0:28:230:28:26

Simon's right, you are a patronising shit.

0:28:270:28:30

Clive is a generous, kind man, let him have a wank in the loft!

0:28:300:28:34

Oh, Tanya.

0:28:340:28:37

60-40?

0:28:380:28:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:590:29:07

Simon has been living with Grandma in Gants Hill for some months now and is beginning to feel it. Liz's husband Barry makes a rare appearance as they strive to spend some quality time together. Simon learns that Barry's firm has a flat in London but must negotiate a way around Barry's personality in order to escape. Meanwhile, as Clive attempts to impress Tanya with his work on the roof, Adam discovers something from the past.


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