The Day Simon Thought It May Be a Good Idea to Find New Living Arrangements Grandma's House

This programme contains some strong language

'I can't help but sympathise with you, Tony.

'There's one or two round my neck of the woods

'I'd be happy to see put in camps.

'Also today, why are you fat?'

What's he doing? Turn it off, Mum!

Finished, finished.

He's lying on my floor, this is what he does in the morning.

What's wrong with you? Are you still sleeping on that air bed?

I'm all right, it's just my neck and spine a bit.

I knew you'd love it here. Has Clive finished the roof now?

-Pretty much, yeah, I think he's back Monday?

-Don't tell him how attractive I am at the moment. OK.

Do you want to give me your trousers now?

Oh, really, they're fine, they're fine.

Please, for ME, you've been wearing them all week.

-They're fine. They're fine.

-You may want them for the audition,

I don't know when I'll be doing another wash.

Just take your trousers off so you can talk to your mother. Go on, Simon, quick!

Oh, my God.

You'll be nice to Liz when she gets here, yeah?

Me be nice? Who called her to apologise, Mum?

It was very big of me.

I know, good girl. Thank you.

-Where you going?

-My legs are naked.

-I used to wipe your bottom!

I want to hear about this play you're auditioning for.

Stop it, this is inappropriate poking!

Let me out, I need to meditate.

-Oh, why can't you masturbate like a normal person?

-Oh, Tanya!

What? When he was a toddler he wouldn't leave it alone.

-Remember? We thought he'd rip it off.

-Yeah.

DOORBELL

What's he doing? Is that how he parades himself around now?

Look, Barry!

Barry! Gosh!

What do you look so shocked for?

Oh, I just, I just I can't remember when Barry came round for lunch.

He's always here, Mum.

Barry? Barry?! No! Is he really here? Am I dreaming?

# I dreamed a dream in time gone by... #

-Yes, all right, Tanya.

-Oh, is this a new coat?

-No.

-No, I remember it. It's nice and brown.

Aah. How's my sister?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Friends?

Yeah, OK. Don't need to turn the news on already, do we?

Yeah, what did we say? I'm here, OK?

It's OK. Let him watch it, Liz. The news.

Is anything happening?

Nothing at all. Apart from the devastating flood in China.

Oh, China, I'm making fish balls!

She's making our fish balls.

I'm making special ones for Simon with no fish.

Oh, isn't it nice we can all sit in a room together with no tension?

Of course.

Why should there be any tension?

Can we all just have a nice day without any drama?

Yes, I'm saying it's nice there isn't any.

-What tension do you think there should be?

-None! That's what I'm saying.

-I haven't got any tension!

-Lovely!

-Put that down.

-Go on put it down.

'Cities downstream are not just inundated,

'they have been ripped apart to devastating effect.'

Aah.

-'Hundreds have died.'

-Isn't this nice?

So, it's available from now.

And it's, so it's 600 pounds a month including all the Council tax

and the... A week? Oh, right.

Oh, no. Yeah, I was just thinking, er, I might call you back,

is that OK?

BANGING FROM THE ATTIC

-Is this the one you meant?

-Oh, no, I don't need it now, Mum.

-What do you want that for?

-Can we do it later, Mum?

Oh, OK.

-HE SNORTS

-Shall we turn it off now?

Liz! People are losing their homes! A lot of people have died.

Oh, it's OK, let him enjoy the flood, Liz.

Oh, I haven't offered Barry a drink. Can he have tea?

I know he mustn't have milk.

I can have milk, who on earth said I can't have milk?

Oh, no, Liz said that dairy thickens your mucus.

Semi-skimmed will be fine, thank you.

-Oh, I've only got full-fat.

-Just black for me.

Here's the star! Barry's here!

(Be nice today.)

Say hello to Barry.

HE SNORTS

Gosh, still got that, er...

What's that?

The er, the what is it, post-nasal, er, nasal congestion?

Post-nasal drip, Simon. Does it bother you?

Oh, no, I was, just, doesn't it bother you?

-Can't something be done?

-Well yes, Simon, you can take antihistamines,

which will clear up the drip, but makes the mucus much thicker,

or there's decongestants, which thins the mucus but increases the drip. Which would you suggest?

Yeah, just carry on as you are, I suppose.

Can he have sugar?

Yes.

-Simon's got an audition for a play.

-Oh, yes?

The Tempest. What do you think of that?

Amazing, isn't it?

What's amazes me is how any of these actors survive.

90 percent out of work, the reality is they just end up being

-a drain on the people around them.

-Not me, you don't mean me, do you?

-No.

I'll definitely be back in London one day.

How much do you think rent in London is, per square foot?

-I don't know.

-Guess.

-I don't even know what a square foot is.

You're talking 44 pounds a square foot in Central London,

and that's unfurnished.

Right. So...

It wasn't the best idea of the century selling your flat

at the time you did, I think we did all warn you, Simon.

Ben Theodore's directing it, tell him.

This actor he's been obsessed with for five years.

What about the yoghurt woman?

She used to be someone, ended up talking about yoghurt.

He's not Martine McCutcheon.

No, Martine McCutcheon. I'm not Martine McCutcheon.

It's such a lovely story, Liz,

they, er, they bumped into each other on the tube.

-You managed to pull him yet?

-HE SNORTS

He said he quite liked my cardigan, that means something, doesn't it?

-Maybe he'll screw your cardigan.

-Oh, Tanya!

What, I said, "screw."

Why would he ask you to audition? Doesn't he want his play to be good?

I was assertive. I said "I should be in this play.

"Why aren't I in this play. I can be in a play."

-He didn't say, "Cos you can't act?"

-No.

He was quite impressed with me taking the time out to find myself creatively.

Is that what you said? Out loud?

-What part is it?

-Ariel. Prospero's servant?

-Who's playing Prospero? June Sarpong?

-THEY LAUGH

You shouldn't be the servant. You should be June Sarpong.

It's Shakespeare! "To be, or not to be..."

Bloody good question.

Oh, Clive's here.

-Thanks, Mum.

-Don't get up.

-Hello, Bazza.

-Hi.

What brought you here? Lose a bet?

Clive, he's like a funny character, isn't he?

Should send him over to China, maybe cheer them up a bit.

Si, I'm going to need you to flex your muscles,

-there's a bunch of stuff in the loft that needs moving.

-What stuff?

Look at those arms, you want to lay off the steroids, pal!

Wouldn't say no to another tea when you're ready, Lilly.

Offshore Earthquake, right? I heard 7.5 on the old Richter.

Actually 7.5 on the Moment Magnitude Scale.

Not quite the same thing at all.

Fastest growing economy on the planet.

Probably us that has to cough up for it, though.

OK, shall we then?

Come on, Van Diesel.

How long have you been here?

Most people do get up before midday, Si.

Gosh, how ridiculous. Maybe I should meditate up here.

What are we doing? Was that a bit tense with Mum?

Should I find some way of getting this done myself?

Got a spare 20 grand you're desperate to get rid of?

-Oh no, you carry on.

-Are you pushing me away?

No, no, let's move the boxes.

No, no, no. I don't need you to move boxes, I need a favour.

All right, Jewface? Mum said I should Help out.

Watch where you stand, young Adam, there's a lot of damp,

and some of the floor isn't as secure as I'd like.

Here's what I need from you, Captain.

What do you need?

Five minutes, alone, with mum, today.

Really? Could it not be pass you a tool?

Go on, what do you need? Do you, do you want a mole grip?

Gosh, you know your tools.

-We used to do a bit on the show called Toolbox Jury.

-Classic.

No Listen, I know I came on a bit strong with the song last time,

but I'm playing the long game now, Si,

just need five minutes alone today to get things rolling again.

Then, when she sees this insulation.

Oh, yeah, she's always been a big fan of InstaFibre.

Sorry. What do you think you going to say?

Stop touching things, what are you doing?

You're just like Dad.

Seduction isn't about words, Si.

OK, well, what are we doing, what's happening?

Simon.

Yes.

Never be afraid of silence.

I am. I am afraid of silence.

Don't be. What is there to be...

I don't know, don't like it.

OK, I get, I get the point, yeah, are you going to talk.

Talk. Please, I can't take it. Speak.

OK, shh...

What are you? Why are you...

-..Why are you touching my elbow?

-Feel anything?

Eh, uncomfortable? Again.

Do you two want to be alone?

What about this?

Oh, my God, yep, that's the one. Gosh. That was magical. Thank you.

It's so funny you living with Grandma now.

-What do you do all day?

-I don't know, contemplate things?

-What do you contemplate?

-Living here, loneliness, detachment.

It's like being at a retreat but with no healthy food,

and just one old woman.

-Right, then.

-Hopefully I'll get this play and I can rent somewhere in London, maybe.

You should get somewhere in Soho, near Dad's work flat.

-You can walk to the sex shops.

-What's Dad's work flat?

Dad's work has a load of flats for lawyers and people.

-But this one's so run-down and tiny no-one ever really uses it.

-Does he ever lend it to anyone?

Yeah, he's in charge of the keys. Oh, my God!

Hello!

Urgh, they're so hairy!

Yep, they don't make 'em like that any more.

Although Mum opted for quite a retro vibe.

What do you want to do with this, Si?

I don't know, I'll get a bin liner and throw it away?

Well you can't throw away Bernie's stuff.

What then? Charity shop? Stop looking.

There's not even any sex, just naked women bending over.

Nice work if you can get it. So, you will ask her, yeah?

Yeah, can I go down now? I don't like it up here.

You can take it now, I don't mind.

Mum...

Just take it. What do want it for anyway?

I've got a... I've got a fancy dress party coming up, all right nosey?

-Oh, it's for the fancy dress party?

-Whose?

-You don't know them.

I'll put it away. Don't worry about it.

I know all your snippy friends. Why do you have to be so secretive all the time?

And they're off!

Ah, I'm putting it away. Can we all...

So, what are you going as in mum's tracksuit?

Duh! Uma Thurman. In Kill Bill?

-How do you know about Kill Bill?

-It was on a fancy dress website.

-Well, try it on then.

-No, not now.

Go on! It'll be fun! You can do a fashion show for Barry!

Get him going a bit. What are you going as?

He's going as Quentin Tarantino. Aren't you?

-What's the outfit for Quentin Tarantino?

-A leather jacket. And sunglasses.

That's the Terminator. Or Fonzie, that's not...

-No, you have to go as a couple.

-Shouldn't he be Bill then?

-He didn't want to go as Bill.

-Why not?

-Because he didn't.

-Why?

-Google him.

-Just tell me!

The actor died while touching himself in a cupboard, OK?

How are you Barry?

Not bad. 300 dead.

Oh, gosh, that's not good is it?

Do you not watch the news, Simon?

I try not to, it's often quite sad, isn't it?

Well, is it OK if the grown-ups try to remain informed?

Oh, it's nice they talk, isn't it?

How's work? How's the world of medical insurance?

-Why?

-I don't know, it's what people ask, isn't it?

"How's work?," "How's your wife?" "Sport."

-I am watching this, Simon.

-Sorry, sorry.

'Until 9 o'clock yesterday morning,

'the towns and villages that line the bank of the Yangtze River..."

Who said, um, Adam said something about your company having a flat?

-Is that a thing?

-Did he?

-HE SNORTS

-In Soho, somewhere.

-Yes, Greek Street.

Greek Street, Mum, that's near where you had your hysterectomy!

Oh, yeah, nice area, we had pasta.

Yeah, but that should be quite perfect for me, Soho,

-if, er, I get this play.

-I don't think so.

No? Oh, why, is it occupied?

It's not as simple as that.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Simon,

but the whole world doesn't revolve around you. See?

So, what, what are you saying? It's occupied?

Oh, look, Mum, is this our wedding video? How embarrassing?

You don't want to watch it, do you?

We're at a critical stage here, Liz.

310. Just found a family under an office block.

-Don't bother. Really.

-I just thought maybe...

Everybody thought I looked like Audrey Hepburn, I don't think so, did you?

-Who?

-Shall we just stick it on, or..?

It will only be for about a month.

Ooh, look fish balls! Look, Barry, your favourite!

Now, the warm ones are on the right, Liz,

I remembered you always used to want them warm,

-and, Tanya, yours are on the left.

-Great.

It's just Adam said you lend it to people sometimes so I...

It's a bit more complicated than that.

Oh, Tanya! Please.

-I'd be there for like a month maybe and then...

-Tanya!

-I saw all my old single girls last night.

-Oh, yes.

We've started Zumba dancing, you should come on Tuesday, Liz.

It fuses hypnotic Latin rhythms. Do you want to come?

What?

No, I'm sure it's a lot of fun for you.

HE COUGHS AND SNORTS

What? It's not embarrassing once you get into it, I promise.

How is this helping?

Shh, stop now.

What dancing with a load of flabby middle aged divorcees?

Why are you laughing at me?

Fish balls!

They're laughing at me. Barry's sat there chuckling to himself.

What's that about Barry Chuckle? Ooh, where's Barry Chuckle?

Really?

There's no point being a big grump about it,

-just ignore the boring wanker.

-Tanya!

Oh, I didn't know you were there. I didn't mean it.

You know I think he's wonderful.

Do you want to come in now? I want everyone together.

In a minute. Is Clive still here?

He's not eating with us.

I sleep with these morons and they refuse to piss off.

Do I have a bungee rope attached to my vagina or something?

-Tanya!

-Don't you remember how he assaulted Simon?

Yeah, but isn't he handy?

-Suppose so. What?

-What.

Do you want to say anything?

Do you want to help your son? It's like the Dictaphone.

Oh, the Dictaphone.

Let it go, he wouldn't lend you his Dictaphone, 15 years ago?

Why would he lie? "Sorry, Simon, don't have a spare one."

There were two sat in his drawer.

-Maybe he just...

-Two! Two Dictaphones in his drawer.

What did you need a Dictaphone for anyway?

To make my jingles.

-You might not even get the play...

-Oh.

Maybe you should wait for something better to come along anyway.

What's better? This is my chance to be a person again.

-What do you want me to do?

-I dunno, defend me? Support me?

Just get me the flat, just tell him I should have the flat?

Are you masturbating?

Stop it! Masturbating all the time in my kitchen.

Do you want me to put these in the wash?

-Do you not want me to throw away?

-Er, maybe just put it in. No?

You want me to?

Yeah they're all right, aren't they?

-I'll throw 'em, yeah?

-OK, yeah, I suppose.

How much would they pay you for the play?

Oh, I don't know, I'm rich in soul.

Why can't you be in a film with Russell Brand?

-I don't know.

-He's got real charisma, hasn't he?

You need to look at him, and see how he does it.

Cheer up, I'll talk to Barry, OK?

OK, but don't upset him.

Excuse me, I have tact, I can deal with the patronising shit.

-Tanya!

-Why are you still here?

I'm putting Simon's pants in the bin!

-She's had her shredded wheat.

-What's wrong with your father? Why won't he lend me the flat?

-Because he thinks you're irresponsible and selfish.

-Well?

How often do you think Grandpa was up here with this? Once a week?

-I don't know. Can't we throw it away?

-Grandpa was such a pervert.

-He was a human being with a penis.

-Urgh!

What? It's sweet isn't it to just have the one porn magazine. Sort of loyal.

Si, look me in the eye and tell me that she's better off without me?

Oh, God, I don't really like eye contact.

Maybe just give it some time?

-She's having a lot of fun with her friends, Zumba dancing.

-What's Zumba dancing?

It infuses Latin rhythms, everyone's talking about it, it's big news.

Be warned, Adam, women are like roads,

the more curves they've got, the more likely you are to kill yourself.

I'm not seeing the complete picture. What did I do wrong?

-You got drunk and ran Grandpa over.

-It wasn't that. These things are complicated,

-Come on, you're a mate,

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, what was it?

I don't know, maybe you were just trying to look like

an alpha male all the time?

I'm a pretty sensitive guy underneath all this.

Yeah, yeah, me too. Maybe you should have shown that you were fallible?

it's good to see a bit of vulnerability.

You're pulling my plonker.

-No, no, I don't think I am.

-Really?

All right, you're the boss, I can pretend to be a bit of a loser.

-OK.

-What about this?

Vulnerable?

Erm...

Bad note. I think just be kind.

What?

-I turned two pages at once!

-Oh, God, throw it away.

We could bring Grandpa back, like Jurassic Park.

Oh, Simon, I've done something awful.

-Oh, what?

-I'm very sorry.

Oh.

It must have been dry clean only.

Yeah, maybe.

I should have checked, it was your favourite.

Oh, no, that one? No. It was too big, really.

I'm doing your no-fish fish balls.

-How are you feeling about me living here?

-It's lovely having you.

-Is it?

-It's lovely.

-OK.

-Really, lovely.

I'm feeling a bit concerned that it's been...

..Am I annoying here?

No! You annoying? You're my grandson.

But if Barry's got this flat, I could...

Oh, you don't want to live in London.

Just stay here, where's the sense in moving?

-I could just be nearer the play.

-You can get the tube, easy.

-Well, still it's just a whole...

-No, no, no

-you are completely free to go, any time you want.

-Could you talk to Barry?

Anytime YOU want. I just don't see the sense in it.

Why can't he have the flat? Just out of curiosity?

-Tanya, please.

-No, no, I'm very calm.

It's just he owes a lot of money to Derren Brown, Barry says.

-Derren Brown?

-This is tension.

Listen to my voice! Light, smooth.

-So what is the problem...

-Well, for starters,

he'd have to prove that he is using it for work purposes.

Yeah, well he probably got a play now.

-That doesn't count!

-So what...

So, what exactly, if you had to put it into words...

What you don't seem to understand -

entertainers have the highest insurance premiums.

When was the last time he entertained anyone?

-It's not just a question of me handing over my keys.

-It's such a big a deal, isn't it?

-Mum, Mum, Mum.

If Simon were to use the flat,

I would have to sign a form to say that I was solely responsible for anything that goes on.

What do you think is going to go on?

We don't know, do we?

-Nothing, nothing will go on.

-Drugs? Prostitutes?

-OK, Mum...

My son is the most reliable, dull person you could have in there.

He doesn't even eat fish!

Tanya. That's enough.

I seem to remember a certain incident of someone walking

dog poo into our car.

-When he was 7?

-We had to have it professionally cleaned.

-He was 7!

-No I should have known better, it's true.

If he looked after his money...

Excuse me, he's rich in soul! You know what forget the flat.

No, don't forget, remember the flat! Remember!

Why can't he live with one of his friends?

Because he's embarrassed about not having any money,

and is trying to look like a recluse!

At the end of the day,

even if I were to make the appropriate calls,

nothing is guaranteed.

But, you could call...

Tanya! He's not a responsible adult, OK?

What do you mean?

Actually, I was just talking to Adam in the loft,

because I'm quite kind you know.

I feel sort of responsible for him, in a way.

What? What are you talking to my son about?

-What did he say?

-No, nothing.

-What's wrong?

Nothing. I was just talking to him in the loft, I'm saying he's all right,

-he's cool about stuff.

-Adam!

-What are you doing?

-What did he say?

-He didn't say anything.

I don't know what he's told you but the reason is Barry snores,

-that's why he's been sleeping in the spare room. That's all. There's nothing wrong.

-Oh, dear God.

What's... I mean, he's all right about Grandpa and everything.

What?

-Have you had a fish ball?

-No.

-Well have one!

So, what do you think? It's possible?

Unbelievable! I will ask for you, OK?

If it's so important,

nothing else is going on in the world, as usual, I'll ask for you.

Thank you, Barry. Say thank you to Barry, Simon.

Thank you, Barry. When do you think you'll know,

just so I know what I'm doing with my life.

Next week, perhaps? Is that OK?

Yes, perfect, fine. Thank you. Sorry, I won't mention it again.

You're very kind. Isn't Barry kind? He's very kind.

What do you think the chances are? 80-20?

Are you ready? Come on, we're all waiting now.

No, you'll laugh.

No, we won't.

HE SNORTS

PHONE MESSAGE ALERT

Is that my phone?

Oh, I promised I'd ask,

is there any way you'd be happier getting back with Clive?

-No!

-OK, just checking.

I'd be happier with Ralph Moat.

-Raoul? Raoul Moat?

-Not Ralph?

Right, you ready? I'm... I'm coming in!

Ready or not, here goes nothing!

-They've offered me the part.

-What?!

I'm coming in!

Ben spoke to the producer, he's worried that

they've insulted me asking to audition,

they think I'm a really interesting choice.

He's got the play. They've offered it to him, Mum!

-Oh, thank God. I exist, I'm a person.

-Ah, isn't he clever?

Well?

This is going to launch you! Do you hear me? This is it.

You get Russell Brand a ticket.

Oh, and he did it all on his own, didn't you?

No father!

Hello!

BOTH: # There's no business like show business

# Like no business I know... #

TANYA! You made me put it on!

Well, Mum, what do you think? It's brilliant, isn't it?

-When does it start?

-I think rehearsals start Monday.

Can you stop going on about a stupid bloody play? I'm Uma Thurman here!

It's good, no?

Sexy?

Don't be annoyed, it looks lovely.

You can keep it, if you want, I don't know what I should come as.

Are you going as well?

Oh, no, no, I mean for something else.

What, another fancy dress party?

-What's going on? Who's party is it?

-Someone change the record? Liz.

Will somebody please speak?

We're having a small party for our anniversary, all right?

So, what was the part then, in the play?

Ariel.

She doesn't care. Are you not inviting me?

You're not inviting me, are you? No, that's fine.

Oh, don't make a whole thing about it, Tanya.

-I'm not.

-I'm getting changed.

Look, it's a couples thing.

It's a couples thing.

Course it is. Yeah, I understand.

Yeah?

Cool, OK, good, good.

Wagamama!

-Oi!

-God, there's a lock!

It's what he would have wanted!

Do you know what? I'm family.

We have friends who have invited us to their anniversary parties,

so we have to invite them.

-Shh, you're invited, you're invited.

-You don't really want to go to this party do you?

It's the principle. It's my sister's anniversary.

Yeah, but do you ever even see each other socially, just like,

you and Liz, for a coffee or something?

-What?

-Who meets up for coffee?

We're not some ridiculous women in a TV show. We're a family,

it's important we're able to sit in the same room together.

We don't even have to talk, just say hello, keep it light, and go home.

So, we're all agreed, yeah? Tanya's invited, yeah, Barry?

-Maybe you could come with Clive?

-Don't mention Clive all the time.

Well don't keep him in the loft then.

-You know what? Fuck you both.

-Tanya!

-And you!

-Oh!

Sorry, not you. You're both so high and mighty, aren't you?

-No.

-What are you talking about now?

You couldn't just say, "Yeah, of course Simon can use the flat for a couple of weeks,"

-No, no, you have to make it like it is really putting you out!

-Tanya!

-Tanya, what you don't seem to...

-HE SNORTS

..understand is...

Well, I wonder why it's difficult for me to...

-SHE SNORTS

-..Understand?

Sorry, that wasn't necessary.

Oh, she's got such a mouth.

He's talking to the person for me, please let's not make a whole thing.

We all do things for family, Barry.

He's doing it. Thank you again, by the way. It's very good of you.

He did say he'd ask.

-Why couldn't you lend him your Dictaphone?

-Oh!

-What?

-What? I don't know what she's talking about.

Every time I come into this house another drama. Thank you.

Well, thank you all for a brilliant day.

Hang on, I'm still talking.

So, what are you going to go as?

Thanks, Tanya. Thanks very much. All I wanted was one pleasant day.

-Oh, shut up!

-Shh, shoosh. Is he OK?

-I tried, didn't I? Tried again with your family.

-What?

All right. So you'll let me know, yeah? That's a nice coat.

CRASHING FROM UPSTAIRS

Oh, what was that?

What's happened?

It all just came from up there.

Oh, gosh, my ceiling.

Oh, my God. Who's is all this?

-Er, it's Simon's.

-Not mine, they're...

Actually folks, they're mine.

-What?

-Sorry gang, it gets quite lonely up there.

What do you think you're doing,

dropping your pornography all over my son?

-You could have killed him.

-You didn't bring these..

Sorry, Lily, I'm a fallible old pervert, nothing can be done.

I'll be gone as soon as I fix the roof, well,

and this hole in the ceiling now.

I think it may be best if you went now.

Right.

No, hang on. Clive's fixing my Mum's roof.

-It doesn't look like it.

-Did you offer to do it?

No. What are you doing for this family? You don't masturbate, no?

You just have functional sex twice a year with Kill Bill?

Simon's right, you are a patronising shit.

Clive is a generous, kind man, let him have a wank in the loft!

Oh, Tanya.

60-40?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd