The Day Simon Attempted to Express Actual Feelings Just Like a Person Grandma's House


The Day Simon Attempted to Express Actual Feelings Just Like a Person

Sitcom. Having landed a role in The Tempest, Simon focuses on trying to cry. Clive wakes up in Grandma's loft.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:09

-SOBS:

-Mine would, sir, were I human.

0:00:090:00:13

Mine would, sir, were I human.

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Mine would, sir, were I human.

0:00:170:00:21

What's that?

0:00:210:00:22

Oh, God, when did you get here? I'm crying. I have to cry tomorrow.

0:00:220:00:26

-Oh, OK, carry on.

-I'm not doing it with you standing there.

0:00:260:00:30

No? It was good.

0:00:300:00:31

-Don't you want it to look like you're actually crying though?

-It did, didn't it?

0:00:310:00:35

-It looks like you're about to laugh.

-That's...that's what I look like when I'm sad, it's my mouth.

0:00:350:00:39

It sounded like an asthma attack. I breastfed you for two years so you wouldn't be asthmatic.

0:00:390:00:43

-That was very good of you.

-It was.

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I have to read all this stuff. The rehearsals start tomorrow.

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-Is there going to be a big opening night?

-It's not that kind of thing.

0:00:480:00:52

Aw.

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I'm so proud I could cry, but I don't want to rub it in.

0:00:550:00:59

Come down, I'll show you how to do it.

0:01:000:01:02

"I'm not human!"

0:01:020:01:05

-I bought party rings. Do you like party rings, Simon?

-Erm...

0:01:140:01:17

Or I've got Celebrations. And Mini Eggs!

0:01:170:01:21

Can you eat Mini Eggs? They're very small.

0:01:210:01:25

Oh, won't it be wonderful, Mum?

0:01:250:01:27

Can you sit?

0:01:270:01:28

...to have thousands of people coming to see my baby acting in the West End!

0:01:280:01:34

It is wonderful, wonderful!

0:01:340:01:36

You were so good at the presenting, remember?

0:01:360:01:39

You know it's not...you know it's quite a small space?

0:01:390:01:42

-What, how many?

-About 80.

0:01:420:01:45

Oh, for God's sake! 80?

0:01:450:01:46

-It's like a really cool, intimate space.

-Intimate.

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Not pointless, intimate!

0:01:490:01:51

And this is what you're so panicked about?

0:01:510:01:53

Yeah, they'll be so close.

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They'll be able to see directly into my dry, soulless eyes.

0:01:540:01:58

I'm going to bring some of it in now, yeah?

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I thought I'd put things in small bowls for here,

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and then, later, big bowls.

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I never use the small bowls, they must be very upset with me.

0:02:050:02:08

SHE LAUGHS

0:02:080:02:11

Or should I not bother with the small bowls?

0:02:110:02:13

Oh, I'll bring 'em in, may as well use 'em. I've got 'em!

0:02:130:02:17

Make 'em happy, huh?

0:02:170:02:19

Is she OK?

0:02:210:02:22

-I've told you and you don't listen.

-What?

0:02:220:02:25

She's suffering from unresolved grief.

0:02:250:02:28

Oh, shut up! She's just excited about the bowls.

0:02:280:02:31

I like bowls - do you think I'm deranged?

0:02:310:02:33

A bit.

0:02:330:02:34

-Nigella!

-And these are from the party shop on Woodford Avenue.

0:02:340:02:38

Have you been? Oh, do you want to wear a party hat yet or not?

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-I'm OK.

-No.

0:02:410:02:43

And what about this?

0:02:430:02:46

Grrrr!

0:02:460:02:48

Ha! Well, see how you feel.

0:02:480:02:51

What are you looking so anxious for?

0:02:540:02:56

You'll figure it out in the rehearsals, there's no rush.

0:02:560:02:59

80! You do your impressions on a bus for more people.

0:02:590:03:03

Is that all you want me doing? Impressions on a bus. Of who?

0:03:030:03:06

Do your Rocky. "Adrienne!"

0:03:060:03:09

"Adrienne, I'm on a bus."

0:03:090:03:11

-I'm trying to learn The Tempest.

-"I don't know The Tempest. Adrienne!"

0:03:110:03:14

-ON PHONE:

-Hello?

0:03:140:03:16

Oh, Bibby, I've looked! Really, I promise.

0:03:160:03:20

I think I would have noticed a tortoise with a hat on.

0:03:220:03:25

I haven't got dementia yet!

0:03:250:03:27

No! Really, I've got enough tchotchkes of my own!

0:03:270:03:32

Too many! All right, I've got to go!

0:03:320:03:35

Simon's going to be in a play!

0:03:350:03:38

Who's that?

0:03:380:03:40

Oh! Bibby!

0:03:400:03:41

She's gone potty. She can't find her tortoise.

0:03:410:03:46

-Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

-What?

0:03:460:03:49

The Culture Show are filming the rehearsal tomorrow.

0:03:490:03:51

Really? No! Really? They're coming to film you?

0:03:510:03:55

THAT is why you do a shitty play!

0:03:550:03:57

Oh, thank God! This is the big comeback!

0:03:570:04:00

They're filming Ben, it's his first time directing.

0:04:000:04:02

Oh. Still, you'll get your face in, yeah? You push yourself forward.

0:04:020:04:06

You're going to be back on TV!

0:04:060:04:08

I'm going to be exposed as a terrible actor.

0:04:080:04:10

No, you're not, no-one ever picks up on that stuff.

0:04:100:04:13

-What the frig?

-Hello, are you here today?

0:04:190:04:22

You've fucked me.

0:04:220:04:23

Have I? Which, what did I... Did you come from the loft?

0:04:230:04:26

-No, of course not.

-Oh, I thought I heard some banging.

0:04:260:04:29

Probably ants. Why didn't you say Mum was here today?

0:04:290:04:33

Why didn't...? Oh, it's her birthday thing.

0:04:330:04:35

-What's that smell?

-What smell?

0:04:350:04:37

Oh, no, I don't know.

0:04:370:04:40

Oh, bugger! Sorry, I thought it might have dried by now.

0:04:400:04:44

It's all right, it's quite faint.

0:04:440:04:46

I must have packed the bat away before the end of my innings.

0:04:460:04:48

What did you...oh, right, oh right, yeah, bloody leaking bat!

0:04:480:04:53

You should go down. Go down, there's party hats.

0:04:530:04:55

What? And let her see me like this? No way, Si. Bad call.

0:04:550:04:59

I've got to go. I'm not screwing up tonight.

0:04:590:05:01

What's Mum said about it?

0:05:010:05:02

What's Mum said about what?

0:05:020:05:04

Come on, Captain, this is do or die, sink or swim.

0:05:040:05:07

I'm not sure, I don't know... What are we talking about?

0:05:070:05:10

Hasn't she mentioned it?

0:05:100:05:12

God! I've got such clammy hands! Clammy Clive!

0:05:120:05:17

I wouldn't worry so much about your hands.

0:05:170:05:19

It's our first, well, no, not our first, but it's a date.

0:05:190:05:23

-WHISPERS:

-I'm back in the game.

0:05:230:05:24

Yeah, are you all right? You seem a bit...

0:05:240:05:27

Yeah, I had a drink last night. Jesus Christ, why?

0:05:270:05:30

Oh, that's all right, it's fine. One drink.

0:05:300:05:33

Oh right, OK, well, still, it's...

0:05:330:05:36

-Go down, put a hat on, talk to Mum about it.

-No.

0:05:360:05:39

It's her birthday. I wasn't invited.

0:05:390:05:41

Oh, it's not like the whole thing. She's not that big on birthdays.

0:05:410:05:45

-Look at me.

-You look great.

0:05:450:05:47

-It's quite an airy room so you don't have to worry about...

-You really think I look all right?

0:05:470:05:51

Because we're nearly out of the woods but I've just got to ram it home.

0:05:510:05:55

It's the "just got out of bed" look, isn't it?

0:05:550:05:57

Have you just got out of bed? Did you sleep in the loft?

0:05:570:06:00

Yes, I did, sir.

0:06:000:06:02

-Why?

-Let's not get sidetracked.

0:06:020:06:04

Promise me you won't tell Mum.

0:06:040:06:06

OK.

0:06:060:06:08

You've got to sneak me out, mate.

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DOORBELL RINGS

0:06:100:06:13

Oh, hello! Come in.

0:06:130:06:15

# Happy birthday to you

0:06:150:06:18

# Happy birthday to you

0:06:180:06:22

-# Happy birthday dear Tanya...#

-Why are you so perky?

0:06:220:06:25

Have you been using the Finger Tingler I got you?

0:06:250:06:27

Ugh, Tanya, Adam's right here.

0:06:270:06:29

Finger what?

0:06:290:06:30

That's so disgusting.

0:06:300:06:31

Oh, let your mother enjoy herself.

0:06:310:06:34

-# Happy birthday... #

-You're not supposed to leave it in, you know.

-Can you stop?

0:06:340:06:38

Oh, look at Adam!

0:06:380:06:39

Ooh! Party hats!

0:06:390:06:41

SHE LAUGHS

0:06:410:06:44

Why haven't you got your hat on?

0:06:440:06:47

Oh, Mum! Where's this from?

0:06:470:06:50

Oh, I don't know, do you want it?

0:06:500:06:52

Adam, put a hat on. I love it.

0:06:520:06:54

You know I love pandas.

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So, what you got me?

0:06:560:06:58

Here you go! For my favourite sister.

0:06:580:07:01

Mwah!

0:07:010:07:03

You're creeping me out now, seriously. Why are you so happy?

0:07:030:07:07

We're celebrating. Why shouldn't we celebrate my sister's birthday?

0:07:070:07:10

-I thought Barry was meant to be coming?

-WE'RE CELEBRATING!

0:07:100:07:13

Look at this panda!

0:07:150:07:16

You can have it if you want, I don't mind.

0:07:160:07:19

I'll put it with your coat and you can take it home with you.

0:07:210:07:23

I love pandas, don't I?

0:07:240:07:26

Oh, what are you doing? Come in! Liz and Adam are here.

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Oh, good.

0:07:310:07:32

Come on.

0:07:320:07:33

OK. Oh, although, actually, could we have a mildly serious discussion about something?

0:07:330:07:39

Do you want me to peel it for you?

0:07:390:07:42

No, it's OK.

0:07:420:07:43

So how are you...how are you feeling about..

0:07:430:07:45

Oh, you always want to be serious!

0:07:450:07:49

Look, it's a lovely day, you've got a banana.

0:07:490:07:52

There's enough going on! No point being a misery, is there?

0:07:520:07:56

But is there...what if you needed to cry?

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I mean, if things don't go expressed, is there a danger of...

0:07:580:08:01

No! Absolutely not.

0:08:010:08:04

Do you want to talk about... I feel like we don't really talk about Grandpa.

0:08:040:08:08

And shouldn't we be able to talk about him a bit?

0:08:080:08:10

We can talk about Grandpa if you like.

0:08:100:08:12

Can we?

0:08:120:08:13

Of course!

0:08:130:08:15

SHE LAUGHS

0:08:150:08:17

OK, well, do you ever miss him?

0:08:170:08:20

I know what you want!

0:08:200:08:22

There you go. You like cats, don't you?

0:08:240:08:27

Yeah.

0:08:270:08:29

Miaow.

0:08:290:08:31

What I'm saying is there's perhaps sadness,

0:08:310:08:33

there's perhaps emotion that's not being expressed.

0:08:330:08:36

I'll put it in your room.

0:08:360:08:40

Eat your banana. Good boy. Potassium!

0:08:400:08:43

Do you want me to open it now?

0:08:450:08:47

Oh, no. Wait for Mum now.

0:08:470:08:49

-Do you want to be in my film?

-What did I say?

0:08:500:08:52

-What? That he'll say no because he's selfish?

-No!

0:08:520:08:55

I said not to bother him on your birthday, that's all.

0:08:550:08:59

What is it? Sit down.

0:08:590:09:00

-We've got to make a 10-minute film in media and I've got a part for you.

-What's the part?

0:09:000:09:04

Dr Scribbens. It's a paedophile who gets murdered by me and my mates.

0:09:040:09:08

-Is there a script or...?

-God, you think you're such an actor now. "Is there a script?"

0:09:080:09:12

Well, is there?

0:09:120:09:13

I dunno, if you want. It'll mostly just be sounds of killing.

0:09:130:09:16

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, who's that now?

0:09:160:09:18

Might be Annette! She'll be in your film - she's wild!

0:09:180:09:22

Don't move.

0:09:220:09:23

What's your weird friend coming for?

0:09:230:09:25

We need someone here with a bit of personality.

0:09:250:09:28

Oh, gosh, a fireman.

0:09:320:09:34

Oh, go inside, I'll deal with it.

0:09:340:09:36

-Is there a fire?

-No, no, it's a surprise. Just go and get Simon.

0:09:360:09:39

-I'm here for Tanya?

-Yeah.

0:09:390:09:40

Are you Gary? Oh, how exciting!

0:09:400:09:43

I did say I wanted tall, dark and handsome, but you can't have everything!

0:09:430:09:47

I'm only joking! Come in.

0:09:470:09:49

I did ask for a black one though.

0:09:490:09:52

Simon, your mum wants you to go and talk to the fireman.

0:09:530:09:57

-What's going on?

-I dunno. Want to come and help with the table? Yeah?

0:09:570:10:01

Course I will, Mummy!

0:10:010:10:02

So, you gonna be in this film or what?

0:10:030:10:06

I think I'm a bit busy to be a paedophile.

0:10:060:10:08

-Oh, it'll just be a few hours.

-I know but I'm really panicking...

0:10:080:10:11

-My dad's moved out, you know.

-Has he? When? When?

0:10:110:10:14

I'm not supposed to tell anyone.

0:10:140:10:15

You shouldn't have told me. Why are you telling me?

0:10:150:10:18

I dunno, I just thought you know what it's like, don't you?

0:10:180:10:21

I mean, I don't care, but you know, I mean it's not a big deal.

0:10:210:10:24

Right, no, so, are you OK? You're all right, aren't you?

0:10:260:10:29

-You're all right?

-Yeah, we're filming Saturday.

0:10:290:10:33

Simon! >

0:10:330:10:35

I've...I've got to go and talk to a fireman.

0:10:350:10:38

Guess what I've done.

0:10:420:10:45

-Is it something to do with fire? I've really got to practise...

-I've hired a stripper.

0:10:450:10:50

For what?

0:10:500:10:51

For my birthday. He's going to strip for me.

0:10:510:10:54

-What, now? In the house?

-Yeah, obviously!

0:10:540:10:56

Why? Hello.

0:10:560:10:58

All right.

0:10:580:10:59

How is he? How are you going...

0:10:590:11:01

-Really?

-Yes!

-What's going on? Are you having some sort of crisis?

0:11:010:11:05

-What is this? I thought you weren't big on birthdays.

-It's fun!

0:11:050:11:09

Is it fun? Yeah, what in the context of a hen night in a nightclub,

0:11:090:11:12

not a small birthday lunch for some Jews.

0:11:120:11:14

Once Annette gets here, it'll start to feel more like a party.

0:11:140:11:18

What, you've hired a stripper for yourself. That's not what you're... Aren't Mini Eggs enough anymore?

0:11:180:11:22

-Sorry, what's your name?

-Gary.

0:11:220:11:24

-Hello, Gary. Isn't it supposed to be a surprise thing?

-Well, pretend.

0:11:240:11:28

Who are you pretending to?

0:11:280:11:29

OK, go on, do your shocked face.

0:11:290:11:31

Great, and then you have to point at someone.

0:11:310:11:33

-Who are we saying booked Gary?

-I'll point at you.

0:11:330:11:35

And what face am I doing?

0:11:350:11:37

-I'm not doing that face.

-You will do that face. Show me you can do the face.

0:11:390:11:42

How is this going to help me find emotional truth?

0:11:420:11:44

Just do the face!

0:11:440:11:46

So what, while we're all in the living room,

0:11:460:11:48

a man is going to come in and show us his penis?

0:11:480:11:51

Don't be such a prude! You'll make Gary nervous.

0:11:510:11:54

And then there'll be less to see! SHE LAUGHS

0:11:540:11:57

Sorry, Gary. I'm sure your penis will be a big hit with my grandma.

0:11:570:12:00

This is a bit odd though, isn't it? This is a bit odd!

0:12:000:12:03

Nothing surprises me anymore.

0:12:030:12:04

Simon used to dance. Show Gary your tap.

0:12:040:12:07

-What...what's wrong with you?

-Go on!

0:12:070:12:10

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.

0:12:100:12:12

OK, I have to go. I have to go.

0:12:120:12:14

Or do your Rocky!

0:12:140:12:16

-I look too young, don't I?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.

0:12:170:12:20

HE GENTLY SNORES

0:12:200:12:24

Clive.

0:12:240:12:27

-Clive.

-Oh what...what's going on?

0:12:270:12:30

Er...

0:12:300:12:31

I was having a nightmare. Richard Hammond was tickling me.

0:12:310:12:36

-Right.

-It was relentless.

0:12:360:12:38

OK, I think now may be a good moment if you want to try and leave again.

0:12:380:12:41

Right, good, great.

0:12:410:12:43

Animal!

0:12:430:12:45

Oh, Clive! Where did you come from?

0:12:480:12:51

-Ah, young Simon let me in.

-Oh come in, I didn't know you were coming.

0:12:510:12:55

It's OK - I've bought so much food, we'll never get through it.

0:12:550:12:58

No, no, no, no, just popped back for the old tools.

0:12:580:13:02

-Got them now.

-Oh, take your coat off,

0:13:020:13:05

-Oh, Lily!

-Oh, you're sweating!

0:13:050:13:08

Do you want a flannel?

0:13:080:13:09

Oh, Clive! I didn't know you were coming.

0:13:090:13:11

Oof, what's that smell?

0:13:110:13:13

Where are the tools?

0:13:130:13:15

Can you smell piss?

0:13:260:13:28

Why is he here?

0:13:320:13:33

-Oh, he slept in the loft.

-Why he's sleeping in the loft?

0:13:330:13:37

I think it's because he's a ridiculous human being.

0:13:370:13:40

What's the...what's the plan now? Shall we let Gary take the rest of the day off or...?

0:13:400:13:45

No! I didn't invite Clive for that bit.

0:13:450:13:48

Why are you pretending to be a big sex maniac if you're getting back with Clive?

0:13:480:13:51

I'm not getting back with Clive. I'm just thanking him for doing the roof.

0:13:510:13:55

It's good to keep in with him, in case I get really desperate.

0:13:550:13:57

Oh, that's nice. Do you want to talk to him so I can get on with my...

0:13:570:14:00

-No!

-I've just clocked who you are.

0:14:000:14:03

I thought, "Who is it?" and then it was the voice.

0:14:030:14:06

Oh, what's my voice like?

0:14:060:14:07

Oh, you know, "It's a bit odd, isn't it?! Your penis!"

0:14:070:14:11

Yeah, you rip it out of them.

0:14:110:14:13

Who did you make cry?

0:14:130:14:15

Uh, he can make other people cry.

0:14:150:14:17

-Didn't someone try to commit suicide cos you...

-No, he was already quite depressed.

0:14:170:14:20

Oh, I'm an actor really but it's all performing.

0:14:200:14:24

Basically, it's the same, isn't it?

0:14:240:14:25

Yeah, it's pretty much. Yeah, I suppose. Is it?

0:14:250:14:28

-Anyway, once my mate gets here you can just come in and surprise me, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:14:280:14:33

PHONE RINGS Oh! Hello? Sorry, excuse me. Simon can keep you company.

0:14:330:14:37

Hiya! Thank you!

0:14:370:14:39

-Hello.

-All right.

0:14:410:14:43

So, do you erm, do you ever wear any other outfits or are you always a fireman?

0:14:430:14:48

Fireman.

0:14:480:14:49

Cool. So, what are we going to expect later?

0:14:490:14:51

Well, basically, I go in, do a bit of banter and then I take all the gear off.

0:14:510:14:55

Right, good and er...what's the, what's the journey? Is there a journey? What's the twist?

0:14:550:14:59

I've got a pretty big dick.

0:14:590:15:01

Right. Good twist. Fun.

0:15:010:15:03

OK, I've got to go and erm...

0:15:030:15:05

Oh, you're still here? Is my alarm OK?

0:15:050:15:08

Your alarm?

0:15:080:15:10

Cos...cos you're a fireman.

0:15:100:15:11

Oh, right, yeah. Er...

0:15:110:15:15

Make sure you change the batteries at least once every 12 months.

0:15:150:15:18

And if you think it's losing power just take it out,

0:15:180:15:20

give it a good rub.

0:15:200:15:22

Lovely.

0:15:220:15:23

Can you come down and get rid of Clive now, please?

0:15:290:15:31

I almost cried!

0:15:310:15:32

Did you?

0:15:320:15:34

I could feel one tear. I was so pleased it happened, I stopped crying.

0:15:340:15:37

Come down. Can't you just squeeze some lemon juice in your eyes?

0:15:370:15:41

-I'm not taking a lemon in.

-You could pop a small lemon in your pocket.

0:15:410:15:45

Ben Theodore can cry out of either eye.

0:15:450:15:46

He can choose a duct!

0:15:460:15:48

I promise you'll be wonderful.

0:15:480:15:50

How? I'm not emotionally open. I'm not ethereal, am I?

0:15:500:15:53

What does ethereal look like?

0:15:530:15:55

Like all...

0:15:560:15:57

That's Ariel. I'm not fluid.

0:16:020:16:05

I haven't done any pilates for months, I'm not juicing here.

0:16:050:16:07

-Grandma keeps forgetting my pumpkin seeds.

-Pumpkin seeds!

0:16:070:16:10

Can't you just be normal?

0:16:100:16:12

Have you seen what normal people look like?

0:16:120:16:14

I'm not going to seduce Ben Theodore with a stomach full of potatoes.

0:16:140:16:17

Shush. Do you want Mummy to massage your shoulder?

0:16:170:16:19

-You've made me numb.

-How have I made you numb?

0:16:190:16:22

The therapist, when I could still pay her,

0:16:220:16:25

said that during the divorce I shut down emotions

0:16:250:16:27

because Dad was making you cry, and...

0:16:270:16:29

-I'm just saying, if this family was more emotionally open, I'd be a good actor.

-Really?

0:16:290:16:33

Look, you'll do it like you - stiff. It'll be funny.

0:16:330:16:37

I don't want to be stiff.

0:16:370:16:39

Hello, I'm a person!

0:16:390:16:42

Come on down, Simon.

0:16:420:16:44

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh, Liz won't let me go.

0:16:480:16:52

Apparently we're playing a game now and Mum's ignoring me.

0:16:520:16:55

-She's probably just busy with the fireman.

-Si, I can't get through to my sponsor,

0:16:550:16:59

I need to talk through last night's debacle.

0:16:590:17:01

-I'm shitting blood, I need to talk to someone.

-Are you shitting blood?

0:17:010:17:05

-Turn of phrase.

-Oh, right.

0:17:050:17:07

Isn't it "shitting bricks"?

0:17:070:17:08

Yeah, that's why there's so much blood.

0:17:080:17:10

Got it.

0:17:100:17:12

-Where are you, Kevin?

-Oh, all right.

0:17:120:17:15

It's OK, I'm here. What should I say?

0:17:150:17:17

-"Don't drink any more?" What are the words?

-It's all gone a bit Pete Tong.

0:17:170:17:22

Wow? Really?

0:17:220:17:23

Well...well, more than a bit. It's gone completely Pete Tong.

0:17:230:17:26

-Pete Tong?!

-Wrong.

0:17:260:17:29

Yeah, I know, it's just, nice to hear someone still saying it.

0:17:290:17:32

Si, will you come in there with me?

0:17:320:17:35

I just came down to get some...

0:17:350:17:37

-Look, I'm a bloody mess, I'm a prick.

-You're not a prick. You're not.

0:17:370:17:40

It's not easy, is it, this stuff? It's addictive.

0:17:400:17:43

They shouldn't sell it. We should all be drinking water and juice.

0:17:430:17:46

-Have you got a juicer?

-I'm not a complete twat!

0:17:460:17:49

Thanks, mate. Come on.

0:17:490:17:52

Where's Mum? Oh, something really stinks.

0:17:540:17:58

Erm, Bibby wants to know if Mum's seen her panda.

0:17:580:18:01

What?

0:18:010:18:02

She thinks she might have taken it.

0:18:020:18:04

What? Shut up!

0:18:040:18:06

-What did she say? "Did she steal the panda?"

-No. Shh, I'm texting Annette.

0:18:060:18:10

-Why are we saying "no"?

-She didn't steal a panda!

0:18:100:18:13

Of course she didn't steal a panda.

0:18:130:18:15

I think she may have. I really think she might not be dealing with stuff properly.

0:18:150:18:19

So she stole a panda?

0:18:190:18:20

Shall we ask her? Is that a thing to do?

0:18:200:18:22

-No!

-No! What's wrong with you?

0:18:220:18:24

I can't get rid of this fireman, he keeps going on and on about ladders.

0:18:240:18:28

Clive, will you open this?

0:18:280:18:31

Of course. Avec pleasure.

0:18:310:18:33

Let's get this party started, as Pink once suggested.

0:18:330:18:37

Did you buy champagne, Mum? We never drink anything.

0:18:370:18:40

Well, it's an occasion.

0:18:400:18:42

Yeah, open your present.

0:18:420:18:45

-Oh, bugger!

-Are you OK?

0:18:450:18:48

Yeah, fine, fine. Think I'll need a drink after this, Lily!

0:18:480:18:51

What's "Wasabi"?

0:18:520:18:54

Wasabi!

0:18:540:18:55

It's a board game where you make sushi.

0:18:570:19:00

I thought we could play it today.

0:19:000:19:02

Mum, what was that phone call you wanted to discuss?

0:19:020:19:05

I didn't want to discuss anything.

0:19:050:19:07

Do you want to play Wasabi, Simon?

0:19:070:19:08

Wasabi!

0:19:080:19:10

I start rehearsing this thing tomorrow. The Culture Show are...

0:19:110:19:14

I can't act authentically if... Oh, God!

0:19:140:19:17

What? Finish your sentences.

0:19:170:19:20

Cor, never mind crying - you can't even talk!

0:19:200:19:23

Come on! If I'm playing, you're playing, Si.

0:19:230:19:25

Aren't you going soon?

0:19:250:19:26

Tanya, shush! Where are you taking Tanya tonight?

0:19:260:19:30

It's not a big deal, Mum.

0:19:300:19:32

-CORK POPS

-Woo!

0:19:320:19:33

Have you got a tea towel, Lily?

0:19:330:19:35

Oh, lick your fingers, I don't mind.

0:19:350:19:38

Don't lick fingers, wipe it on your trousers.

0:19:380:19:40

There you go. Oh, maybe not there.

0:19:400:19:43

Take a cup.

0:19:430:19:44

Clive's an alcoholic.

0:19:440:19:46

Oh, yeah, I remember.

0:19:460:19:48

Don't worry about me, Si!

0:19:480:19:49

What's wrong with you? Don't upset me on my birthday.

0:19:510:19:55

Right, you draw a variety of delicious ingredients from the pantry, yeah?

0:19:550:20:01

And play them one at a time onto the board.

0:20:010:20:04

-This is why I can't cry!

-Can I carry on?

0:20:040:20:07

Why didn't I cry at the funeral? Why is that?

0:20:070:20:10

Do you know how long your mate will be? I've got another gig later.

0:20:100:20:13

Oh, er...

0:20:130:20:15

Tanya, what's going on?

0:20:150:20:16

It's a surprise. Gary's a stripper.

0:20:170:20:20

Is he? As well?!

0:20:200:20:23

Are they allowed to do that?

0:20:230:20:25

Tanya, are you serious?

0:20:250:20:27

Can you believe it? Simon booked him.

0:20:270:20:29

-Ah, that's nice.

-Mum booked him.

-Don't be modest!

0:20:290:20:32

It's very generous to buy your mother a stripper.

0:20:320:20:35

-So, can I get on with it?

-No, you can't!

-Liz!

0:20:350:20:38

Sorry my sister's not used to seeing naked men.

0:20:380:20:40

What? Yes, she is! Aren't you?

0:20:400:20:43

All right, shall we just get it done so we can get on with things?

0:20:430:20:46

No! Annette will be here soon.

0:20:460:20:48

Sit down. Do you know how to play Wasabi?

0:20:480:20:52

Ah!

0:20:520:20:53

-What? Wasabi?

-Yeah, it's like Scrabble but with fish.

0:20:530:20:57

-Yeah, it's wicked.

-Here you are.

-Thanks, darling.

0:20:570:21:00

-Tanya, I didn't come round to play Wasabi with a sex worker.

-I'm not a prostitute.

0:21:000:21:04

-No, no, I know.

-Have you ever...

0:21:040:21:05

No, don't talk to the...

0:21:050:21:07

No, I'm sure you're a very nice guy.

0:21:070:21:09

You're not having a prostitute! How many times?

0:21:090:21:12

-Do you want a party hat, Gary?

-Viking.

0:21:120:21:15

What's wrong? Are you about to cry?

0:21:160:21:19

No. Nothing.

0:21:190:21:22

There you go.

0:21:220:21:24

Good health!

0:21:240:21:25

Oh, my God!

0:21:340:21:35

Our mother's a criminal!

0:21:350:21:36

It's not funny. We'll have to bury it.

0:21:360:21:39

-You need to talk to her.

-Oh, she's fine.

0:21:390:21:42

-You're drinking stolen champagne.

-Am I? It's lovely.

0:21:420:21:45

-Maybe she's stealing because she feels he was stolen from her, or something?

-Ugh!

0:21:450:21:49

-Forget it.

-What?

0:21:490:21:51

She's probably got it out of her system now.

0:21:510:21:53

Yeah, fine. Can we go and play the game I bought you now?

0:21:530:21:55

What are we doing? What are we doing?

0:21:550:21:57

Shh! Come and play Wasabi.

0:21:570:22:00

Oh! Everything all right?

0:22:050:22:06

-I, I, I'm going...

-OK.

0:22:060:22:08

It's a disaster.

0:22:080:22:10

She hated me being here, I've totally screwed up tonight's...

0:22:100:22:15

-Oh, I'm weak.

-No, you're strong.

0:22:150:22:18

I just necked four glasses of bubbly.

0:22:180:22:21

Quite weak.

0:22:210:22:22

Oh! Clive!

0:22:220:22:24

All right. It's OK.

0:22:240:22:26

Last week I had a whole bag of mixed seeds. We're all fallible.

0:22:260:22:30

I'm just going to go home and dive into the scotch. There's nothing...

0:22:300:22:33

No, no, that's not good.

0:22:330:22:35

Look, stay here. I'm your sponsor guy. Come and see the stripper.

0:22:350:22:38

-SHOUTS:

-Fuck!

0:22:380:22:41

HE SOBS

0:22:410:22:44

Jesus Christ! What's wrong with me?

0:22:450:22:49

Hold me, Simon.

0:22:530:22:55

Oh, all right, OK, I can do that, all right. There we go.

0:22:550:23:00

All right, all right.

0:23:000:23:02

How are you doing that?

0:23:020:23:04

Oh, no, Annette can't come.

0:23:100:23:13

She's got her ex over.

0:23:130:23:15

They're talking about getting back together.

0:23:150:23:17

Great(!) Oh, well, if Annette's not coming, you know what that means!

0:23:170:23:22

-You know when Michael Jackson died?

-What?

0:23:220:23:26

I really sort of felt like that connected with me.

0:23:260:23:28

But when Grandpa died, it wasn't... I don't know why but it wasn't...

0:23:280:23:32

Are we all ready to see Gary strip now?

0:23:320:23:34

-Jesus Christ! Simon!

-What?

0:23:340:23:36

Michael Jackson was a wonderful singer.

0:23:360:23:38

And we'll never forget him.

0:23:380:23:40

-But shouldn't I feel more about Grandpa?

-No!

0:23:400:23:42

He was your grandpa and you loved him,

0:23:420:23:43

but he wasn't the King Of Pop, was he?

0:23:430:23:45

But he was my grandpa.

0:23:450:23:46

Was your grandpa the first black man on MTV?

0:23:460:23:48

No.

0:23:480:23:49

Tanya, do you want to wear a party hat yet?

0:23:490:23:51

So what do you want from us? I miss Diana.

0:23:510:23:54

Oh, I'll never forgive Camilla.

0:23:540:23:56

She shouldn't have been at the wedding, they should have hung her.

0:23:560:24:00

Who cares about this other weird family? A man we knew died.

0:24:000:24:03

What about Terence Trent D'Arby?

0:24:030:24:05

Is he dead?

0:24:050:24:07

There you go, Simon, are you happy now?

0:24:080:24:10

We've all said something about how we feel.

0:24:100:24:13

-I don't know if we have. Are you sure we have?

-We have.

0:24:130:24:16

What about you? Are you OK? Are you sad or angry about anything?

0:24:160:24:19

Are you gonna be my paedo or what?

0:24:190:24:21

There's nothing wrong with my son, thank you.

0:24:210:24:23

It's his hormones.

0:24:230:24:25

-He hasn't got hormones.

-He's got pubes now.

0:24:250:24:28

-Ah, good work, sir.

-HE CLAPS

0:24:280:24:31

Tanya, can you tell him? We're all fine, thank you very much.

0:24:310:24:35

-Are we? You're fine with everything in your life?

-Yes. Why?

0:24:350:24:38

Does anybody know what he's going on about? I don't know what we've done to have to listen to such rubbish.

0:24:380:24:45

-Adam seemed to think there was something.

-Don't listen to him, he lies about everything.

0:24:450:24:49

There's something wrong with his brain. He's a weirdo.

0:24:490:24:52

OK, what about the panda then? Can we talk about that?

0:24:520:24:54

Ooh, what's going on? Why is there a fireman here?

0:24:540:24:57

Hello, ladies. I heard there was a fire...in someone's loins.

0:24:580:25:03

Oh, it's in my loins!

0:25:030:25:06

I got an emergency call that there was a birthday girl

0:25:060:25:09

called Tanya who said she needed a man...

0:25:090:25:13

with a big hose.

0:25:130:25:15

It's like he's saying penis.

0:25:150:25:17

SHE LAUGHS

0:25:170:25:19

Carry on, I was just going, don't mind me.

0:25:190:25:22

Oh, no. Stay, Clive. Watch the stripper.

0:25:220:25:25

-Yeah, come on, Clive.

-Take a seat mate, enjoy the show.

0:25:250:25:29

I'd rather stand if it's all right.

0:25:290:25:30

Don't worry, mate, your daughter's safe with me.

0:25:300:25:34

Right, let's stop messing about.

0:25:340:25:37

To the birthday girl who's on fire, and I'm here to spray her down.

0:25:370:25:42

-What's he getting at now?

-OK, Mum! Can we stop?

0:25:420:25:45

No. Shush, enough. Keep going.

0:25:450:25:47

For God's sake! Bibby phoned.

0:25:470:25:50

-No, she didn't.

-OK, Bibby didn't phone.

0:25:500:25:52

She's lost her husband, why shouldn't she have a bloody panda?

0:25:520:25:55

-Cos it's Bibby's.

-I'll buy Bibby a shitty panda.

0:25:550:25:58

Is she still saying I took her panda?

0:25:580:26:01

I'll go round there and slit her throat!

0:26:010:26:04

Daddy bought me that panda in Lanzarote.

0:26:040:26:06

There you go, it's the Lanzarote panda. Finished.

0:26:060:26:09

How finished? What about all the stuff...

0:26:090:26:10

Finished. Don't stop!

0:26:100:26:13

The Lanzarote panda?

0:26:130:26:14

Yes! Screw Bibby.

0:26:140:26:17

SHRIEKING

0:26:170:26:19

OK, mister, I think we've all seen enough now.

0:26:190:26:22

There are ladies present.

0:26:220:26:23

-Oh, Clive!

-Well, hang on, mate, I ain't finished yet.

-No, come on now.

0:26:230:26:26

Listen, mate, if you want to get involved, yeah?

0:26:260:26:29

Let's see what Daddy's hiding, shall we?

0:26:290:26:31

Right now. Just get your hands off me, you fucking queer!

0:26:310:26:37

No offence, Si!

0:26:370:26:39

What are you doing, Clive? Get out.

0:26:390:26:42

-Out!

-Sorry, OK. Oh, God, sorry!

0:26:420:26:46

-Erm, are we still gonna...

-No!

0:26:460:26:50

Well, I've got tickets to Shrek.

0:26:500:26:52

Again? Why do you keep buying tickets to Shrek?

0:26:520:26:55

-Well, you said you...

-Just go!

0:26:550:26:57

Tanya!

0:26:570:26:58

I'd like to see it, Clive!

0:26:580:27:00

So should I keep going or...?

0:27:000:27:02

No.

0:27:020:27:04

-Sorry.

-Oh, no, let him finish. He's come all this way.

0:27:040:27:08

Hi, sorry are you OK to wait for your friend outside?

0:27:120:27:15

It's just there's a family crisis, it's awkward having a stripper in the kitchen.

0:27:150:27:19

I'm not just a stripper, mate.

0:27:190:27:20

I know, I know. Sorry, you're an actor. Or do you mean you're a human being? What do you mean?

0:27:200:27:24

I used to think you were all right, but you're a real prick, aren't you?

0:27:240:27:27

Am I? Which bit? Sorry, I've just got to...

0:27:270:27:31

Oh, just piss off, will you, mate?

0:27:310:27:33

I don't know why you have to be so...

0:27:330:27:36

Oh, God!

0:27:360:27:37

Do you think I wanna be getting my dick out in front of a load of slags every night?

0:27:370:27:43

All right, just wait here, it's fine. Sorry. I didn't think you'd get so upset.

0:27:430:27:46

It's called acting, mate, you fucking twat.

0:27:460:27:50

-I'll call you about that film, yeah?

-Cool.

0:28:000:28:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:340:28:37

Having landed a role in The Tempest, Simon is focusing on trying to cry. Meanwhile, Grandma is having trouble coming to terms with the death of her husband and Tanya has arranged a thrilling surprise for her own birthday. Also, unbeknownst to the family, Clive wakes up in Grandma's loft due to issues with alcohol.


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