The Day Simon Attempted to Express Actual Feelings Just Like a Person Grandma's House

This programme contains some strong language.

-SOBS:

-Mine would, sir, were I human.

Mine would, sir, were I human.

Mine would, sir, were I human.

What's that?

Oh, God, when did you get here? I'm crying. I have to cry tomorrow.

-Oh, OK, carry on.

-I'm not doing it with you standing there.

No? It was good.

-Don't you want it to look like you're actually crying though?

-It did, didn't it?

-It looks like you're about to laugh.

-That's...that's what I look like when I'm sad, it's my mouth.

It sounded like an asthma attack. I breastfed you for two years so you wouldn't be asthmatic.

-That was very good of you.

-It was.

I have to read all this stuff. The rehearsals start tomorrow.

-Is there going to be a big opening night?

-It's not that kind of thing.

Aw.

I'm so proud I could cry, but I don't want to rub it in.

Come down, I'll show you how to do it.

"I'm not human!"

-I bought party rings. Do you like party rings, Simon?

-Erm...

Or I've got Celebrations. And Mini Eggs!

Can you eat Mini Eggs? They're very small.

Oh, won't it be wonderful, Mum?

Can you sit?

...to have thousands of people coming to see my baby acting in the West End!

It is wonderful, wonderful!

You were so good at the presenting, remember?

You know it's not...you know it's quite a small space?

-What, how many?

-About 80.

Oh, for God's sake! 80?

-It's like a really cool, intimate space.

-Intimate.

Not pointless, intimate!

And this is what you're so panicked about?

Yeah, they'll be so close.

They'll be able to see directly into my dry, soulless eyes.

I'm going to bring some of it in now, yeah?

I thought I'd put things in small bowls for here,

and then, later, big bowls.

I never use the small bowls, they must be very upset with me.

SHE LAUGHS

Or should I not bother with the small bowls?

Oh, I'll bring 'em in, may as well use 'em. I've got 'em!

Make 'em happy, huh?

Is she OK?

-I've told you and you don't listen.

-What?

She's suffering from unresolved grief.

Oh, shut up! She's just excited about the bowls.

I like bowls - do you think I'm deranged?

A bit.

-Nigella!

-And these are from the party shop on Woodford Avenue.

Have you been? Oh, do you want to wear a party hat yet or not?

-I'm OK.

-No.

And what about this?

Grrrr!

Ha! Well, see how you feel.

What are you looking so anxious for?

You'll figure it out in the rehearsals, there's no rush.

80! You do your impressions on a bus for more people.

Is that all you want me doing? Impressions on a bus. Of who?

Do your Rocky. "Adrienne!"

"Adrienne, I'm on a bus."

-I'm trying to learn The Tempest.

-"I don't know The Tempest. Adrienne!"

-ON PHONE:

-Hello?

Oh, Bibby, I've looked! Really, I promise.

I think I would have noticed a tortoise with a hat on.

I haven't got dementia yet!

No! Really, I've got enough tchotchkes of my own!

Too many! All right, I've got to go!

Simon's going to be in a play!

Who's that?

Oh! Bibby!

She's gone potty. She can't find her tortoise.

-Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

-What?

The Culture Show are filming the rehearsal tomorrow.

Really? No! Really? They're coming to film you?

THAT is why you do a shitty play!

Oh, thank God! This is the big comeback!

They're filming Ben, it's his first time directing.

Oh. Still, you'll get your face in, yeah? You push yourself forward.

You're going to be back on TV!

I'm going to be exposed as a terrible actor.

No, you're not, no-one ever picks up on that stuff.

-What the frig?

-Hello, are you here today?

You've fucked me.

Have I? Which, what did I... Did you come from the loft?

-No, of course not.

-Oh, I thought I heard some banging.

Probably ants. Why didn't you say Mum was here today?

Why didn't...? Oh, it's her birthday thing.

-What's that smell?

-What smell?

Oh, no, I don't know.

Oh, bugger! Sorry, I thought it might have dried by now.

It's all right, it's quite faint.

I must have packed the bat away before the end of my innings.

What did you...oh, right, oh right, yeah, bloody leaking bat!

You should go down. Go down, there's party hats.

What? And let her see me like this? No way, Si. Bad call.

I've got to go. I'm not screwing up tonight.

What's Mum said about it?

What's Mum said about what?

Come on, Captain, this is do or die, sink or swim.

I'm not sure, I don't know... What are we talking about?

Hasn't she mentioned it?

God! I've got such clammy hands! Clammy Clive!

I wouldn't worry so much about your hands.

It's our first, well, no, not our first, but it's a date.

-WHISPERS:

-I'm back in the game.

Yeah, are you all right? You seem a bit...

Yeah, I had a drink last night. Jesus Christ, why?

Oh, that's all right, it's fine. One drink.

Oh right, OK, well, still, it's...

-Go down, put a hat on, talk to Mum about it.

-No.

It's her birthday. I wasn't invited.

Oh, it's not like the whole thing. She's not that big on birthdays.

-Look at me.

-You look great.

-It's quite an airy room so you don't have to worry about...

-You really think I look all right?

Because we're nearly out of the woods but I've just got to ram it home.

It's the "just got out of bed" look, isn't it?

Have you just got out of bed? Did you sleep in the loft?

Yes, I did, sir.

-Why?

-Let's not get sidetracked.

Promise me you won't tell Mum.

OK.

You've got to sneak me out, mate.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hello! Come in.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

-# Happy birthday dear Tanya...#

-Why are you so perky?

Have you been using the Finger Tingler I got you?

Ugh, Tanya, Adam's right here.

Finger what?

That's so disgusting.

Oh, let your mother enjoy herself.

-# Happy birthday... #

-You're not supposed to leave it in, you know.

-Can you stop?

Oh, look at Adam!

Ooh! Party hats!

SHE LAUGHS

Why haven't you got your hat on?

Oh, Mum! Where's this from?

Oh, I don't know, do you want it?

Adam, put a hat on. I love it.

You know I love pandas.

So, what you got me?

Here you go! For my favourite sister.

Mwah!

You're creeping me out now, seriously. Why are you so happy?

We're celebrating. Why shouldn't we celebrate my sister's birthday?

-I thought Barry was meant to be coming?

-WE'RE CELEBRATING!

Look at this panda!

You can have it if you want, I don't mind.

I'll put it with your coat and you can take it home with you.

I love pandas, don't I?

Oh, what are you doing? Come in! Liz and Adam are here.

Oh, good.

Come on.

OK. Oh, although, actually, could we have a mildly serious discussion about something?

Do you want me to peel it for you?

No, it's OK.

So how are you...how are you feeling about..

Oh, you always want to be serious!

Look, it's a lovely day, you've got a banana.

There's enough going on! No point being a misery, is there?

But is there...what if you needed to cry?

I mean, if things don't go expressed, is there a danger of...

No! Absolutely not.

Do you want to talk about... I feel like we don't really talk about Grandpa.

And shouldn't we be able to talk about him a bit?

We can talk about Grandpa if you like.

Can we?

Of course!

SHE LAUGHS

OK, well, do you ever miss him?

I know what you want!

There you go. You like cats, don't you?

Yeah.

Miaow.

What I'm saying is there's perhaps sadness,

there's perhaps emotion that's not being expressed.

I'll put it in your room.

Eat your banana. Good boy. Potassium!

Do you want me to open it now?

Oh, no. Wait for Mum now.

-Do you want to be in my film?

-What did I say?

-What? That he'll say no because he's selfish?

-No!

I said not to bother him on your birthday, that's all.

What is it? Sit down.

-We've got to make a 10-minute film in media and I've got a part for you.

-What's the part?

Dr Scribbens. It's a paedophile who gets murdered by me and my mates.

-Is there a script or...?

-God, you think you're such an actor now. "Is there a script?"

Well, is there?

I dunno, if you want. It'll mostly just be sounds of killing.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, who's that now?

Might be Annette! She'll be in your film - she's wild!

Don't move.

What's your weird friend coming for?

We need someone here with a bit of personality.

Oh, gosh, a fireman.

Oh, go inside, I'll deal with it.

-Is there a fire?

-No, no, it's a surprise. Just go and get Simon.

-I'm here for Tanya?

-Yeah.

Are you Gary? Oh, how exciting!

I did say I wanted tall, dark and handsome, but you can't have everything!

I'm only joking! Come in.

I did ask for a black one though.

Simon, your mum wants you to go and talk to the fireman.

-What's going on?

-I dunno. Want to come and help with the table? Yeah?

Course I will, Mummy!

So, you gonna be in this film or what?

I think I'm a bit busy to be a paedophile.

-Oh, it'll just be a few hours.

-I know but I'm really panicking...

-My dad's moved out, you know.

-Has he? When? When?

I'm not supposed to tell anyone.

You shouldn't have told me. Why are you telling me?

I dunno, I just thought you know what it's like, don't you?

I mean, I don't care, but you know, I mean it's not a big deal.

Right, no, so, are you OK? You're all right, aren't you?

-You're all right?

-Yeah, we're filming Saturday.

Simon! >

I've...I've got to go and talk to a fireman.

Guess what I've done.

-Is it something to do with fire? I've really got to practise...

-I've hired a stripper.

For what?

For my birthday. He's going to strip for me.

-What, now? In the house?

-Yeah, obviously!

Why? Hello.

All right.

How is he? How are you going...

-Really?

-Yes!

-What's going on? Are you having some sort of crisis?

-What is this? I thought you weren't big on birthdays.

-It's fun!

Is it fun? Yeah, what in the context of a hen night in a nightclub,

not a small birthday lunch for some Jews.

Once Annette gets here, it'll start to feel more like a party.

What, you've hired a stripper for yourself. That's not what you're... Aren't Mini Eggs enough anymore?

-Sorry, what's your name?

-Gary.

-Hello, Gary. Isn't it supposed to be a surprise thing?

-Well, pretend.

Who are you pretending to?

OK, go on, do your shocked face.

Great, and then you have to point at someone.

-Who are we saying booked Gary?

-I'll point at you.

And what face am I doing?

-I'm not doing that face.

-You will do that face. Show me you can do the face.

How is this going to help me find emotional truth?

Just do the face!

So what, while we're all in the living room,

a man is going to come in and show us his penis?

Don't be such a prude! You'll make Gary nervous.

And then there'll be less to see! SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, Gary. I'm sure your penis will be a big hit with my grandma.

This is a bit odd though, isn't it? This is a bit odd!

Nothing surprises me anymore.

Simon used to dance. Show Gary your tap.

-What...what's wrong with you?

-Go on!

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.

OK, I have to go. I have to go.

Or do your Rocky!

-I look too young, don't I?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.

HE GENTLY SNORES

Clive.

-Clive.

-Oh what...what's going on?

Er...

I was having a nightmare. Richard Hammond was tickling me.

-Right.

-It was relentless.

OK, I think now may be a good moment if you want to try and leave again.

Right, good, great.

Animal!

Oh, Clive! Where did you come from?

-Ah, young Simon let me in.

-Oh come in, I didn't know you were coming.

It's OK - I've bought so much food, we'll never get through it.

No, no, no, no, just popped back for the old tools.

-Got them now.

-Oh, take your coat off,

-Oh, Lily!

-Oh, you're sweating!

Do you want a flannel?

Oh, Clive! I didn't know you were coming.

Oof, what's that smell?

Where are the tools?

Can you smell piss?

Why is he here?

-Oh, he slept in the loft.

-Why he's sleeping in the loft?

I think it's because he's a ridiculous human being.

What's the...what's the plan now? Shall we let Gary take the rest of the day off or...?

No! I didn't invite Clive for that bit.

Why are you pretending to be a big sex maniac if you're getting back with Clive?

I'm not getting back with Clive. I'm just thanking him for doing the roof.

It's good to keep in with him, in case I get really desperate.

Oh, that's nice. Do you want to talk to him so I can get on with my...

-No!

-I've just clocked who you are.

I thought, "Who is it?" and then it was the voice.

Oh, what's my voice like?

Oh, you know, "It's a bit odd, isn't it?! Your penis!"

Yeah, you rip it out of them.

Who did you make cry?

Uh, he can make other people cry.

-Didn't someone try to commit suicide cos you...

-No, he was already quite depressed.

Oh, I'm an actor really but it's all performing.

Basically, it's the same, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty much. Yeah, I suppose. Is it?

-Anyway, once my mate gets here you can just come in and surprise me, yeah?

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS Oh! Hello? Sorry, excuse me. Simon can keep you company.

Hiya! Thank you!

-Hello.

-All right.

So, do you erm, do you ever wear any other outfits or are you always a fireman?

Fireman.

Cool. So, what are we going to expect later?

Well, basically, I go in, do a bit of banter and then I take all the gear off.

Right, good and er...what's the, what's the journey? Is there a journey? What's the twist?

I've got a pretty big dick.

Right. Good twist. Fun.

OK, I've got to go and erm...

Oh, you're still here? Is my alarm OK?

Your alarm?

Cos...cos you're a fireman.

Oh, right, yeah. Er...

Make sure you change the batteries at least once every 12 months.

And if you think it's losing power just take it out,

give it a good rub.

Lovely.

Can you come down and get rid of Clive now, please?

I almost cried!

Did you?

I could feel one tear. I was so pleased it happened, I stopped crying.

Come down. Can't you just squeeze some lemon juice in your eyes?

-I'm not taking a lemon in.

-You could pop a small lemon in your pocket.

Ben Theodore can cry out of either eye.

He can choose a duct!

I promise you'll be wonderful.

How? I'm not emotionally open. I'm not ethereal, am I?

What does ethereal look like?

Like all...

That's Ariel. I'm not fluid.

I haven't done any pilates for months, I'm not juicing here.

-Grandma keeps forgetting my pumpkin seeds.

-Pumpkin seeds!

Can't you just be normal?

Have you seen what normal people look like?

I'm not going to seduce Ben Theodore with a stomach full of potatoes.

Shush. Do you want Mummy to massage your shoulder?

-You've made me numb.

-How have I made you numb?

The therapist, when I could still pay her,

said that during the divorce I shut down emotions

because Dad was making you cry, and...

-I'm just saying, if this family was more emotionally open, I'd be a good actor.

-Really?

Look, you'll do it like you - stiff. It'll be funny.

I don't want to be stiff.

Hello, I'm a person!

Come on down, Simon.

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh, Liz won't let me go.

Apparently we're playing a game now and Mum's ignoring me.

-She's probably just busy with the fireman.

-Si, I can't get through to my sponsor,

I need to talk through last night's debacle.

-I'm shitting blood, I need to talk to someone.

-Are you shitting blood?

-Turn of phrase.

-Oh, right.

Isn't it "shitting bricks"?

Yeah, that's why there's so much blood.

Got it.

-Where are you, Kevin?

-Oh, all right.

It's OK, I'm here. What should I say?

-"Don't drink any more?" What are the words?

-It's all gone a bit Pete Tong.

Wow? Really?

Well...well, more than a bit. It's gone completely Pete Tong.

-Pete Tong?!

-Wrong.

Yeah, I know, it's just, nice to hear someone still saying it.

Si, will you come in there with me?

I just came down to get some...

-Look, I'm a bloody mess, I'm a prick.

-You're not a prick. You're not.

It's not easy, is it, this stuff? It's addictive.

They shouldn't sell it. We should all be drinking water and juice.

-Have you got a juicer?

-I'm not a complete twat!

Thanks, mate. Come on.

Where's Mum? Oh, something really stinks.

Erm, Bibby wants to know if Mum's seen her panda.

What?

She thinks she might have taken it.

What? Shut up!

-What did she say? "Did she steal the panda?"

-No. Shh, I'm texting Annette.

-Why are we saying "no"?

-She didn't steal a panda!

Of course she didn't steal a panda.

I think she may have. I really think she might not be dealing with stuff properly.

So she stole a panda?

Shall we ask her? Is that a thing to do?

-No!

-No! What's wrong with you?

I can't get rid of this fireman, he keeps going on and on about ladders.

Clive, will you open this?

Of course. Avec pleasure.

Let's get this party started, as Pink once suggested.

Did you buy champagne, Mum? We never drink anything.

Well, it's an occasion.

Yeah, open your present.

-Oh, bugger!

-Are you OK?

Yeah, fine, fine. Think I'll need a drink after this, Lily!

What's "Wasabi"?

Wasabi!

It's a board game where you make sushi.

I thought we could play it today.

Mum, what was that phone call you wanted to discuss?

I didn't want to discuss anything.

Do you want to play Wasabi, Simon?

Wasabi!

I start rehearsing this thing tomorrow. The Culture Show are...

I can't act authentically if... Oh, God!

What? Finish your sentences.

Cor, never mind crying - you can't even talk!

Come on! If I'm playing, you're playing, Si.

Aren't you going soon?

Tanya, shush! Where are you taking Tanya tonight?

It's not a big deal, Mum.

-CORK POPS

-Woo!

Have you got a tea towel, Lily?

Oh, lick your fingers, I don't mind.

Don't lick fingers, wipe it on your trousers.

There you go. Oh, maybe not there.

Take a cup.

Clive's an alcoholic.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Don't worry about me, Si!

What's wrong with you? Don't upset me on my birthday.

Right, you draw a variety of delicious ingredients from the pantry, yeah?

And play them one at a time onto the board.

-This is why I can't cry!

-Can I carry on?

Why didn't I cry at the funeral? Why is that?

Do you know how long your mate will be? I've got another gig later.

Oh, er...

Tanya, what's going on?

It's a surprise. Gary's a stripper.

Is he? As well?!

Are they allowed to do that?

Tanya, are you serious?

Can you believe it? Simon booked him.

-Ah, that's nice.

-Mum booked him.

-Don't be modest!

It's very generous to buy your mother a stripper.

-So, can I get on with it?

-No, you can't!

-Liz!

Sorry my sister's not used to seeing naked men.

What? Yes, she is! Aren't you?

All right, shall we just get it done so we can get on with things?

No! Annette will be here soon.

Sit down. Do you know how to play Wasabi?

Ah!

-What? Wasabi?

-Yeah, it's like Scrabble but with fish.

-Yeah, it's wicked.

-Here you are.

-Thanks, darling.

-Tanya, I didn't come round to play Wasabi with a sex worker.

-I'm not a prostitute.

-No, no, I know.

-Have you ever...

No, don't talk to the...

No, I'm sure you're a very nice guy.

You're not having a prostitute! How many times?

-Do you want a party hat, Gary?

-Viking.

What's wrong? Are you about to cry?

No. Nothing.

There you go.

Good health!

Oh, my God!

Our mother's a criminal!

It's not funny. We'll have to bury it.

-You need to talk to her.

-Oh, she's fine.

-You're drinking stolen champagne.

-Am I? It's lovely.

-Maybe she's stealing because she feels he was stolen from her, or something?

-Ugh!

-Forget it.

-What?

She's probably got it out of her system now.

Yeah, fine. Can we go and play the game I bought you now?

What are we doing? What are we doing?

Shh! Come and play Wasabi.

Oh! Everything all right?

-I, I, I'm going...

-OK.

It's a disaster.

She hated me being here, I've totally screwed up tonight's...

-Oh, I'm weak.

-No, you're strong.

I just necked four glasses of bubbly.

Quite weak.

Oh! Clive!

All right. It's OK.

Last week I had a whole bag of mixed seeds. We're all fallible.

I'm just going to go home and dive into the scotch. There's nothing...

No, no, that's not good.

Look, stay here. I'm your sponsor guy. Come and see the stripper.

-SHOUTS:

-Fuck!

HE SOBS

Jesus Christ! What's wrong with me?

Hold me, Simon.

Oh, all right, OK, I can do that, all right. There we go.

All right, all right.

How are you doing that?

Oh, no, Annette can't come.

She's got her ex over.

They're talking about getting back together.

Great(!) Oh, well, if Annette's not coming, you know what that means!

-You know when Michael Jackson died?

-What?

I really sort of felt like that connected with me.

But when Grandpa died, it wasn't... I don't know why but it wasn't...

Are we all ready to see Gary strip now?

-Jesus Christ! Simon!

-What?

Michael Jackson was a wonderful singer.

And we'll never forget him.

-But shouldn't I feel more about Grandpa?

-No!

He was your grandpa and you loved him,

but he wasn't the King Of Pop, was he?

But he was my grandpa.

Was your grandpa the first black man on MTV?

No.

Tanya, do you want to wear a party hat yet?

So what do you want from us? I miss Diana.

Oh, I'll never forgive Camilla.

She shouldn't have been at the wedding, they should have hung her.

Who cares about this other weird family? A man we knew died.

What about Terence Trent D'Arby?

Is he dead?

There you go, Simon, are you happy now?

We've all said something about how we feel.

-I don't know if we have. Are you sure we have?

-We have.

What about you? Are you OK? Are you sad or angry about anything?

Are you gonna be my paedo or what?

There's nothing wrong with my son, thank you.

It's his hormones.

-He hasn't got hormones.

-He's got pubes now.

-Ah, good work, sir.

-HE CLAPS

Tanya, can you tell him? We're all fine, thank you very much.

-Are we? You're fine with everything in your life?

-Yes. Why?

Does anybody know what he's going on about? I don't know what we've done to have to listen to such rubbish.

-Adam seemed to think there was something.

-Don't listen to him, he lies about everything.

There's something wrong with his brain. He's a weirdo.

OK, what about the panda then? Can we talk about that?

Ooh, what's going on? Why is there a fireman here?

Hello, ladies. I heard there was a fire...in someone's loins.

Oh, it's in my loins!

I got an emergency call that there was a birthday girl

called Tanya who said she needed a man...

with a big hose.

It's like he's saying penis.

SHE LAUGHS

Carry on, I was just going, don't mind me.

Oh, no. Stay, Clive. Watch the stripper.

-Yeah, come on, Clive.

-Take a seat mate, enjoy the show.

I'd rather stand if it's all right.

Don't worry, mate, your daughter's safe with me.

Right, let's stop messing about.

To the birthday girl who's on fire, and I'm here to spray her down.

-What's he getting at now?

-OK, Mum! Can we stop?

No. Shush, enough. Keep going.

For God's sake! Bibby phoned.

-No, she didn't.

-OK, Bibby didn't phone.

She's lost her husband, why shouldn't she have a bloody panda?

-Cos it's Bibby's.

-I'll buy Bibby a shitty panda.

Is she still saying I took her panda?

I'll go round there and slit her throat!

Daddy bought me that panda in Lanzarote.

There you go, it's the Lanzarote panda. Finished.

How finished? What about all the stuff...

Finished. Don't stop!

The Lanzarote panda?

Yes! Screw Bibby.

SHRIEKING

OK, mister, I think we've all seen enough now.

There are ladies present.

-Oh, Clive!

-Well, hang on, mate, I ain't finished yet.

-No, come on now.

Listen, mate, if you want to get involved, yeah?

Let's see what Daddy's hiding, shall we?

Right now. Just get your hands off me, you fucking queer!

No offence, Si!

What are you doing, Clive? Get out.

-Out!

-Sorry, OK. Oh, God, sorry!

-Erm, are we still gonna...

-No!

Well, I've got tickets to Shrek.

Again? Why do you keep buying tickets to Shrek?

-Well, you said you...

-Just go!

Tanya!

I'd like to see it, Clive!

So should I keep going or...?

No.

-Sorry.

-Oh, no, let him finish. He's come all this way.

Hi, sorry are you OK to wait for your friend outside?

It's just there's a family crisis, it's awkward having a stripper in the kitchen.

I'm not just a stripper, mate.

I know, I know. Sorry, you're an actor. Or do you mean you're a human being? What do you mean?

I used to think you were all right, but you're a real prick, aren't you?

Am I? Which bit? Sorry, I've just got to...

Oh, just piss off, will you, mate?

I don't know why you have to be so...

Oh, God!

Do you think I wanna be getting my dick out in front of a load of slags every night?

All right, just wait here, it's fine. Sorry. I didn't think you'd get so upset.

It's called acting, mate, you fucking twat.

-I'll call you about that film, yeah?

-Cool.

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