The Day Simon Was Really Determined to Heal his Grandma's Pain Grandma's House

This programme contains some strong language.

You still haven't told me what happened at the theatre with Clive.

If you ask me one more time!

We sat down, we watched the show!

What do you want from me?

Have you thought any more about Mum moving?

She's not moving into a home full of facacta old people!

It's not a home full of facacta old people!

It's a nice block of retirement flats.

I went with Debbie Greenbaum and her mother had crumbs in her hair.

What you whispering about?

What?

We were, we were just talking about...

Tanya feeling a bit bloated.

Oh, yeah?

-What you doing?

-Untuck a bit, no?

-Get off me! Mum!

I'll get you a plum. Who wants a plum? I've got plums.

So are you driving to this woman tonight?

Oh, don't make me drive into London.

-Does Liz's face look a bit dry to you?

-What woman?

-She's going to meet someone to play kalooki.

-In London? Where? What for?

-Hampstead. I think she'll make her feel better about stuff.

-What stuff?

Can't you both leave her alone? She's stopped the stealing now.

-What's that, then?

-What?

The gorilla? Aw, that's cute.

So who is this woman? She's not part of your cult, is she?

What, Jews? She's just like a sort of counsellor.

Huh! I don't think so! She's fine, thank you very much.

Is Liz's skin upsetting you or not?

It's all self catered, they're allowed out and everything.

-Sounds like a prison, Liz.

-It's not a prison!

-Worse! At least in prison, you might get a good fuck.

-Oh, there we go(!)

-Mum! Stop mopping for a minute!

-OK.

You never know who might pop over.

Who's popping over? Oh, not Clive!

-What?

-The work on the roof's done now, isn't it?

You never know. He's still single.

Mum! Stop mopping, it's over.

Yeah, Mum, please stop mopping.

You, stop! Who else is there?

You tell me who should look after her! Go on!

Malcolm the chicken man?

I'm not touching Malcolm the chicken man!

Well, you need to touch someone!

Call Clive for your old mother.

Maybe he's free today and wants to come over for some bridge rolls.

I've got a load of taramasalata.

Mum, he's...

You're 52!

-What time's she got to be there?

-Oh, for God's sake.

-We're leaving in half an hour.

-Maybe she has gone a bit potty, Liz.

-Simon's living here, he...

-Oh, well, I think I might know why, then!

Maybe I'll call Poirot, see if he can work out why, yeah(?)

Hello? Poirot?

What happened? Did Poirot hang up?

Maybe he went under a tunnel. He's often on trains, isn't he?

-I made an appointment for her.

-You haven't!

You can't buy one when you're ill. You've got to be healthy.

-Then you can get ill?

-Maybe we should open up a bit and ask Grandma how she feels about being put in a home.

-Oh, shut up!

-Eugh!

-Tanya, it's better than her seeing

-some nutty counsellor your son...!

-Don't say counsellor so loudly.

It's just a woman who likes kalooki.

-They'll just talk. It's kalooki and talking.

-You can't do that, can you?

It's fine. Why does no-one trust me anymore? This is what I do - I make people happy.

-Who?

-The people. I'm a professional joy-giver.

Look, can we just get real for a minute

-and have a look at these flats?

-No!

She'll go to the grief counsellor first and see how that goes.

She's not specifically a grief counsellor.

-Where did you find this random woman?

-Ben Theodore.

-Ah!

-Oh, of course, Ben Theodore.

Are you sleeping with him yet or did you just find her number in his bin?

Is it a famous actress?

Is it... Hang on, let me guess. ..er, Joanna Lumley?

It's not an actress. Ben thinks she's amazing.

She's got a three-month waiting list.

Can I meet Joanna Lumley?

-I don't... I don't know.

-No! You know who I do want to meet?

-Emma Thompson.

-I mean, this isn't really what we're doing.

That bit, do you know the bit I mean?

Where she stops herself crying, because she's got to put on

a happy face for her children and her friends. Oh, that's my life!

-Sorry...

-Ask me what Simon's up to at the moment.

-Yeah. Can we just...?

-Go on.

What's Simon up to at the moment?

He's in a shitty play no-one's going to see! How are you?

So, sorry. Can someone tell me why he's taking my mum

to see a complete stranger?

She helped Ben, he was having trouble finding his Hamlet.

You're taking her to an acting coach?

Therapist! She does everything.

You didn't see Ben's Hamlet. He really found the hell out of it.

-Right, so you're happy that...?

-Ssh!

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy."

That's Julia Roberts. That's a different one.

-So we're going to Aces tonight, yeah?

-Who is?

-Didn't you get my BBM?

-No, I got rid of the BlackBerry, it was too...

-Expensive?

-Yeah, that was part of it.

I've phoned the club. We've got a table reserved -

-Simon Amstell plus nine.

-What? Why have you...?

-I'm a person!

-You've probably only got a month left before everyone forgets who you used to be.

I've got a date tonight with Ben Theodore.

-Something real is happening in my ridiculous life.

-But we've got VIP!

VIP in Aces? What is that? That's like Tesco Finest.

-Exactly.

-Don't go to Aces. It's full of yobs and sluts, isn't it?

-Hopefully.

-Isn't it where footballers go to rape people?

-Sometimes.

-You have to wear shoes and proper trousers to get in.

I don't like the dress code being basic dick.

"Can't wear trainers - looks like you came from a gym."

-Basic human - only two dress forms - club and gym!

-All right, chill out.

-Borrow Grandpa's clothes.

-Yeah! I'll slip into our dead Grandpa's trousers and have a gang-bang(!)

-It's what he w...

-It's not what he would've wanted.

-They'll pay you.

-For what? What am I doing?

-Showing up.

You know, P Diddy gets 15 grand for turning up at clubs,

then he just leaves and goes to another one.

-What are they paying me?

-100 quid.

You don't even have to do anything. Just take the money and slip out.

But people will see. I'm a renowned recluse.

You're so not. Trust me, nobody's going to make a big deal.

People take photos and put them on the internet,

-then when you Google my name...

-Only you Google your name.

Please, my parents have separated.

Oh, fuck off! Sorry, I mean, how are you?

-What did you talk about on the drive?

-Nothing.

-Did you tell him he'd still got a chance with me?

-No, actually.

I bet you did, you sneaky cow.

I'm done with him, he ruined my birthday.

OK, we need to go now, no?

Oh, I'm not dressed yet!

There's no rush, Mum! ..Is that what you're wearing for the date?

Yeah, what? It's casual, it's blue.

-How are you getting there?

-You're driving me.

-Am I?

Yes! You're driving Grandma to Hampstead, then you're dropping me off at Ben's.

Have you organised a date around your grandmother's therapy?

-Are you exploiting my mother?

-I'm not exploiting her. We'll talk about her on the date.

Why do you have to use your family to entertain strangers?

It's good to talk about these things. It's healing.

-Maybe he has a grandparent with issues or an emotionally-backward aunt, for example.

-Tanya!

Shoosh! And we're sure it's a date, yeah?

Yeah, I think so. We almost kissed the other night,

-so it's something.

-All right, all right, do we need to go on and on?

My son may be going on an actual date, Liz!

My son's got irritable bowel! I don't shove it in everyone's faces.

-You should've breast-fed him, I told you.

-Well, I couldn't, could I?!

I know, I know, they were chapped.

-Go on.

-What?

What happened with the kissing?

Oh, yeah, we just had a moment after rehearsals.

There was an energy between us. He was looking directly into my eyes

and I couldn't take it, so I started singing.

-What?!

-Don't, I can't bear it! It was too intense.

-What did you sing?

-The opening of The Lion King.

-Which one's that?

# Ah zivenya zizzicoo ziva zivenya

# Nazivenya, Namaneeziva! Zeecoo zivenya-a-a... #

All right, all right.

I couldn't stop, I thought he'd join in, he said his phone was ringing.

You should've done something from Oliver.

# As long as he needs me

-# I know... #

-Yeah, all right, all right, that's enough!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, Clive!

-I got your message.

Now before you say anything, I'd like to talk to Tanya.

Of course, what do you mean? What a nice surprise.

Come in, everyone's here.

-Oh, Jesus Christ!

-What are you doing here?

-Well, look, I've...

I've been going around it in my head, trying to find the words.

What words? You shouldn't even be here.

Liz. Are you all right?

-It's unthinkable what I've done to this family. It wasn't...

-Why did you even let him in, Mum?

-It's Clive!

-I'm sorry, I'm sick of it!

-He let you down over and over again, Tanya!

-I didn't think you cared.

-Are you OK, Tanya?

-Yeah, she's fine. You can go now. Right now!

It's not a good time, unless you want to hang out with Liz?

-Oh, don't be stupid!

-What's wrong with you?

-Why you being so supportive?

-OK, we'll be late for the talking.

-I just want to be frank with you all.

-No, go, go!

-Because Tanya...

-Right now!

-What?

-Just go, go!

-Liz, we only kissed!

Adam, out! Out!

Sorry, I, I just wanted to...

Well, you weren't answering your phone!

Did you not know? I-I thought...

Captain, could we, erm...?

-So, so what...?

-I only have eyes for your mother, you know that!

We...just...got off with each other, it was...

-You had sex?!

-No! We kissed.

-Isn't "got off" sex?

Just a kiss! Nothing below the waist, or above, I mean nothing below the neck.

Right, just her head. And were you...?

-Were you going for a hug? What were you...?

-I was smashed.

-Oh...

-It started as a goodnight peck

and became a major event.

Right, right. Well, that happens, doesn't it? Does it?

And who, erm, I don't know what to say to you.

What do you think I should say? Am I annoyed that you've...?

Amused? I have to go. I shouldn't be amused, should I?

Well, say something!

Are you OK?

Speak Tanya.

-Tanya!

-Oh, I should never have let you go to Shrek with him.

What? You're a married woman, what's going on?

Well, you know, I love the films.

Is Barry not fulfilling you?

It's nothing to do with me and Barry, we're...perfect.

There are books you can buy. You want me to do a Google?

What are you talking about?

OK, OK, shoosh, shoosh. Maybe she'll find someone else.

-She wasn't actually with him.

-I know, I know.

But they have been getting on again, hadn't you?

It was so quick, it's not even worth talking about.

Shrek was very good.

Well, maybe if we'd seen something less romantic...

Than Shrek?!

The songs were great, you'd... Actually, you'd love it.

-All right, maybe you should just go, what about that?

-I need to talk to Mum.

-Why? It's a kiss, it's just a kiss.

-Simon!

I got off with her! What must Mum think?!

All right, well, maybe talk to Mum, my mum, another time.

I got Grandma to see a therapist, so she doesn't steal her friend's gorillas, and I have a date.

-Have you?!

-Yes, sort of, hopefully, I don't know.

OK, Captain. I'm-I'm sorry. Well, you should get dressed.

Em, OK, come on. Do you want to go to the toilet before you go?

I do, but I think I'll get more out of it if I wait till I get home.

Great.

You're well rid of him anyway, aren't you?

I don't know how it even...

It was relentless! He bought me this enormous bag of wine gums.

Right, er, I'll, um... be going now, ladies.

I am deeply sorry, Tanya. Could we talk just before I go?

Privately. Or is it too soon?

Mum?

OK, well, this is almost fun, isn't it?

Mum, do you, do you want to...? Do you want to, em...?

Should Clive just go now? Mum?

-Mum?

-What?

How do you feel about this, er, this thing?

I haven't decided yet.

OK. Well, could you decide soonish so we can get in the car?

I know we can't put the toothpaste back in the tube,

but I don't just want to throw in the towel.

-OK.

-It was a bad call. I zigged when I should have zagged.

-Yeah. Mum, we really have to go now.

-I'm not going anywhere now.

What do you mean? It was just her head.

-Did she kiss you?

-It was all very sudden.

-It was very sudden.

What are we talking about? You kissed on the lips, yeah?

Oh, it doesn't matter where, does it?

With open mouths? Were there tongues?

-Guess what Adam did this week? ..Adam!

-What?

-Threw one of the Shachters out of the window.

-Which Shachter?

-Steven.

-What?

-You threw Steven Shachter out of the window?

I thought I wasn't supposed to say anything.

Shelly was furious. Went straight through the glass.

They were just messing around and, I don't know...

Tell everyone what happened, Adam.

-Go on.

-What? It was an accident.

Can I go now?

-(Do you need any pills for tonight?)

-There was blood all over the patio.

I had to get the hose out. It's kids, isn't it?

NERVOUS GIGGLING Why are we talking about your patio

-when you've been having it off with Clive?

-Adam, out!

Oh, for God's sake!

Not had it off. I'm a happily married woman. Got off! Got off!

-Mum...

-IF we're going, we're going to be at least half an hour,

so just relax for a minute.

You're not really wearing that, are you? The blue one wasn't so terrible.

Look, I'm totally cool, so, um, whenever you want this...chat...

..I'll be right here.

Are you smoking? Why are you smoking?

Peer pressure. Actually, can you hold it?

-Why am I holding it?

-In case someone comes out.

Do you want to give up? It's quite bad for you, you know.

-Yeah, do you want to give up acting?

-It's going quite well, actually.

Ben thinks I'm very good at silence. We've cut a lot of my lines.

Do you want to talk about the whole kissing business?

Or I hear you threw a Shachter out of the window, what about that?

It was an accident.

Do you think it might be a reaction to your parent's separation?

No, they're always doing this. Nice try, though.

Don't tell anyone I told you.

-When did you last see Barry?

-Oh, he's taking me bowling today.

Oh, God, this is what happens. They take you bowling,

go nowhere when they live with you, now you go bowling every week!

-I don't have to.

-Yeah, you do, cos he feels bad about abandoning you

and you're going to feel sorry for him, it's horrible.

And it's scheduled, forced fun, it's like a panel show,

with no token woman. But you enjoy yourself.

Is that your phone now? Isn't that Grandpa's?

Yeah, my life's still going very well!

-Got anything to wear for Aces tonight?

-I'm not going to Aces.

Oh, PLEASE, I've told all my mates. And Caron's going to be there.

-Who's Caron?

-You wouldn't like her.

She's quite racist, but has the fourth best tits in the year!

Show me what happened.

-What?!

-I want to see.

-See what?

It was just a...

It was very warm in the theatre.

Has he got air conditioning in his mouth?

Look, I'm not being funny, men have always looked at me, I don't know why.

They think you're Groucho Marx?

-I was very drunk!

-All right, you don't have to keep saying you were drunk!

I was so out of it, she could've been anyone.

-Of course.

-It was such a haze, Tanya, that maybe I thought for a second it was you.

Don't you think I'm upset enough?!

-But I've told all my mates.

-I'm really, I'm not going.

Mark won't be there if you're worried. You can molest another weirdo from my year.

He molested me. How is Mark? Is he all right? He keeps texting.

-I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Why are you smiling?

-What?

You look like you know something about me. Do you know something about me?

-Yes.

-What? What do you know?

-Nothing, really.

-Oh, God, what is it? What? Go on, I'm ready.

He said when he... when he, you know...

-What?

-Came.

-Right?

-You said...

-Yeah?

-..well done.

-Oh, my God.

-Ah, you did!

-Only cos it took him a while! It's not my catchphrase!

-Oh, my God.

Well, obviously, he's told you. Have you told anyone else?

No.

Go on. Quickly!

What? You want us to act it out for you?

What have I walked in on?

Do it, or I'm never talking to you again. Really. Now.

-Come on.

-Not you. Don't know what'll happen next!

-Do it with Simon.

-What?!

-Simon?!

-It's a bit much, isn't it?

-Show me. Chop, chop!

-I wasn't there.

-Oh, my God.

-We were just saying goodbye and...

-What are you going to do to me?

Clive thanked me for coming and, and, he hugged me.

-Go on, then.

-I don't want to.

-Just do it or I'm not driving Mum anywhere.

-Oh, God.

-And then he...

-Stay in the hug!

Is that where you were touching each other, on the waist?

-I was so hammered...

-Oh, OK!

And then we just slightly kissed. OK?

-I'm not going to...

-For how long?

A second. Three seconds.

Right. Put your heads nearer. ..Move closer to your aunt!

-What are we doing?

-Where were your hands?

-I can't remember?

-Waists?

-Maybe.

-Go on.

-Tanya!

-This is quite upsetting for me.

-Did you make any noises?

-What do you mean?

-Like, "Mmmm!" or "Oooh!"?

-No!

-What about your legs? Was there any leaning or intermingling of legs?

-Probably not, right?

-Well...

-Show me the position.

SHE SIGHS

Was there any rubbing?

-No rubbing! No!

-Brushing?

-OK, shall we...?

-There was! I can see when you're lying - you're face goes all twitchy!

In the spirit of Glasnost,

she only touched me on the behind, and very delicately.

There was nothing in the frontal zone at all.

And you enjoyed that, did you? Were you aroused?

-OK...

-No!

-Not at all?

-No, no.

-Will someone be honest with me? Were you aroused?

-Well, friction is friction.

-Oh...!

-Oh, my God.

(Oh, OK, are we off?

VOICE BREAKS: (I'm going home.)

You're going home? Why are you going home? Oh... OK, now what do we do?

Shall I get Grandma so we can go? You'll feel better with just us.

We can talk about what an awful person Liz is. I'll perk you up.

This is what I do, this is the point of me. I've won awards.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who is it?

-You answer it!

-Is she OK?

-Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh, Barry!

Look, it's Barry! Barry's here, everyone!

-CLIVE: Here he is!

-Why aren't you at home?

-No, I just got a bit...

-Have you forgotten I'm picking Adam up?

-I...

-That I'm taking Adam out? Er...

If we make an arrangement, is it too much for me to ask

not to have to drive round and round looking for your car?!

-I rang and rang!

-Oh, no, I'm on vibrate, sorry.

-Oh, she's on vibrate, Barry!

-He's such a good dad, isn't he?

Do you want a melon?

-A melon?! Or some melon?!

-No, thank you.

-Clive.

-Barry!

SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY

Adam!

-Adam!

-I'll get him, don't worry. How are you?

-Getting on all right at the flat?

-Fine, thanks.

-Need any washing?

-Look, please don't fuss.

Carry on losing weight like that, I won't recognise you.

I've missed this, haven't you?

What are you doing out here? Clive's on his own in there, Barry.

You want to keep him company?

You can talk about the news!

-< Barry.

-Clive.

Can't you just drop me at the tube, then?

(Simon...)

You don't say anything.

What am I going to say? I just want us to leave the house.

You mustn't say anything, Simon.

I have to keep at least one daughter married.

-Oh, that's nice(!)

-How could you fiddle about?

I don't care any more, Mum! She can have him if she wants him!

-I don't want him.

-You wanted his arse!

Ssh, why don't you go and to talk to Clive?

About what? You can't still want me to be with him.

He's not a drug dealer.

I've become very popular online now, you know.

-Oh, with a bunch of perverts?

-I've got other offers, OK?

-Have you? Who?

-Malcolm the chicken man?

-Shut up!

Who's Malcolm the chicken man? Was he bitten by a radioactive chicken?

He delivers chickens. He's like a milkman, but with chickens.

Is my life funny to you? I'm going. I've had enough of this shit.

Oh, Tanya, I'm cutting up the melon.

Take my advice, get out while you can.

Women - can't live with them, can't drown them any more!

How, er... How's, how's business?

Yep, all good in the hood, you know, zigging and zagging - mainly zagging.

Some zigging, obviously. Do you remember Zig and Zag?

Pair of wankers.

Is it still raining? I was out there around two,

and it was like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

-Are you, er...?

-Oh, Clive, you're still here?

Oh, I'm sorry, Clive. ..This is the man

-who spent three weeks fixing your mother's roof!

-No, no, my pleasure.

I bet you haven't even said thank you, have you?

God, you don't have to kiss him, just show a little bit of gratitude.

If it had been left, this house would have lost a lot of value

-if Lily came to sell it.

-Sell? I'm not selling.

-Oh, no, if you sell.

-I'm not.

-Where's Tanya?

-Those cracks on the wall, Clive, what do you think that is?

-Is that something we need to sort out?

-The subsidence?

Will you get Tanya? I've lost her.

But, Clive, that's a big job though, isn't it. What are we talking?

-Thousands, probably.

-Tanya, I've got subsidence!

-Oh, no.

-We don't have to worry about it now, do we?

-No, let's put it off!

-Let's just put it off!

-Oh, for God's sake! What, then?!

Well, I'd be only too happy to help if it's not too intrusive.

Ha, you'll never get rid of me.

Thanks, Clive.

Thank you, Clive.

Oh...

Oh, thank you, Clive.

Haven't you gone yet? Tanya...

What did you have to take her for?

-I wanted to take you.

-Well, you beat up my stripper.

Well, maybe I didn't feel like you should have a stripper!

-I'll do a strip for you.

-Oh, God forbid!

Come on, why not? You know I'm quite good at moves.

Why take Liz? Of all people!

They were dress circle seats!

Tan...

She just lunged at me, honestly.

-Did she?

-Yeah, I didn't know what was happening.

It was like being ravished by a big horny monkey.

Why does Ian Shachter keep calling me?

-Oh, sorry, I thought you were Liz.

-Yeah, easily done, apparently.

-SHE SNORES

-Right, I'm going, then.

Oh, hello, Barry. Sorry to rush off. I've got to get to Gants Hill tube in less than three minutes.

There's no Central Line today between Stratford and Newbury Park.

-Oh, my God, really? Don't say that.

-And a cab into town is, what, £60?

-That's if you can even book one today.

-Where's Clive gone?

-Has he gone?

-Yeah.

-Can you drive me to the Overground?

-No! Can't you see Ben another night?

-You couldn't drop me on your way...?

-We're already running late, Simon, I have a lane booked for six.

-Right.

-Here he is.

-Where've you been?!

Isn't Barry looking well today? Have you been away?

You look like all the stress has been lifted off you.

-OK, Tan.

-Oh, I could have a lot of fun with this body.

-Er...

-Big ogre!

-All right. Adam, get your coat.

-I don't want to go.

-Excuse me?!

I don't feel like it, I'll go next time.

-I'll go!

-We arranged to go bowling a week ago.

-It's like forced fun.

What are you talking about?

-Are you turning my son against me?!

-No!

-What forced fun?!

It's like a panel show, without the token woman.

What?

What's Adam said to you?

Nothing, he doesn't need to, he threw someone through a window.

-What?

-Someone needs to tell him what's going on!

He's living in a broken home that isn't being acknowledged,

-so he broke it!

-It's not a broken home. No-one's in a broken home!

Who's in a broken home?

You are.

You need to fix your home, Mum. You can't just paint over the cracks!

Which is why Clive has agreed to fix it.

Wow. That was good.

-Why is she shouting at me?

-Whether we sell or not,

-we need to...

-I'm not selling this house! I love this house.

-Clive can fix it! The least he can do after what he...

-Mum!

Adam, are you coming?

Great(!) Well, thanks, Liz!

Barry!

-Oh, he's gone.

-I think it's you two who need to see a psychotherapist.

-You should tell her you're sick in the head.

-Oh, OK.

I'll write that down. Sick in the head. Have you got a pen?

Oh, I think I need to lie down.

I don't think I can go now, Simon. You don't mind, do you?

-I don't really fancy kalooki.

-Oh, no, it's fine.

Aw, are you OK, Adam? Simon will cheer you up.

No, he won't!

Of course he will. Won't you?

Make him happy! That's what you do, isn't it?

< LAUGHTER

Oh, wicked!

-Oh, Mark's here?

-Yep.

-It's Simon Amstell! He's made it.

-Wey-hey!

CAMERAPHONE CLICKS Well done, mate!

-Come on, Simon.

-Come on!

-Thanks for coming.

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd