The Day Simon Was Really Determined to Heal his Grandma's Pain Grandma's House


The Day Simon Was Really Determined to Heal his Grandma's Pain

Sitcom. Simon gets Grandma to see a therapist about her unresolved grief - and the ensuing kleptomania.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:07

You still haven't told me what happened at the theatre with Clive.

0:00:070:00:10

If you ask me one more time!

0:00:100:00:12

We sat down, we watched the show!

0:00:120:00:14

What do you want from me?

0:00:140:00:17

Have you thought any more about Mum moving?

0:00:170:00:19

She's not moving into a home full of facacta old people!

0:00:190:00:22

It's not a home full of facacta old people!

0:00:220:00:25

It's a nice block of retirement flats.

0:00:250:00:27

I went with Debbie Greenbaum and her mother had crumbs in her hair.

0:00:270:00:30

What you whispering about?

0:00:300:00:32

What?

0:00:340:00:36

We were, we were just talking about...

0:00:360:00:38

Tanya feeling a bit bloated.

0:00:380:00:41

Oh, yeah?

0:00:420:00:44

-What you doing?

-Untuck a bit, no?

-Get off me! Mum!

0:00:440:00:48

I'll get you a plum. Who wants a plum? I've got plums.

0:00:480:00:51

So are you driving to this woman tonight?

0:00:530:00:55

Oh, don't make me drive into London.

0:00:550:00:57

-Does Liz's face look a bit dry to you?

-What woman?

0:00:570:01:00

-She's going to meet someone to play kalooki.

-In London? Where? What for?

0:01:000:01:04

-Hampstead. I think she'll make her feel better about stuff.

-What stuff?

0:01:040:01:08

Can't you both leave her alone? She's stopped the stealing now.

0:01:080:01:11

-What's that, then?

-What?

0:01:110:01:14

The gorilla? Aw, that's cute.

0:01:140:01:17

So who is this woman? She's not part of your cult, is she?

0:01:170:01:20

What, Jews? She's just like a sort of counsellor.

0:01:200:01:24

Huh! I don't think so! She's fine, thank you very much.

0:01:240:01:27

Is Liz's skin upsetting you or not?

0:01:270:01:29

It's all self catered, they're allowed out and everything.

0:01:290:01:32

-Sounds like a prison, Liz.

-It's not a prison!

0:01:320:01:35

-Worse! At least in prison, you might get a good fuck.

-Oh, there we go(!)

0:01:350:01:39

-Mum! Stop mopping for a minute!

-OK.

0:01:480:01:52

You never know who might pop over.

0:01:520:01:54

Who's popping over? Oh, not Clive!

0:01:540:01:57

-What?

-The work on the roof's done now, isn't it?

0:01:570:02:01

You never know. He's still single.

0:02:010:02:04

Mum! Stop mopping, it's over.

0:02:040:02:06

Yeah, Mum, please stop mopping.

0:02:060:02:09

You, stop! Who else is there?

0:02:090:02:12

You tell me who should look after her! Go on!

0:02:120:02:15

Malcolm the chicken man?

0:02:190:02:20

I'm not touching Malcolm the chicken man!

0:02:200:02:23

Well, you need to touch someone!

0:02:230:02:25

Call Clive for your old mother.

0:02:250:02:28

Maybe he's free today and wants to come over for some bridge rolls.

0:02:280:02:32

I've got a load of taramasalata.

0:02:320:02:34

Mum, he's...

0:02:340:02:36

You're 52!

0:02:360:02:38

-What time's she got to be there?

-Oh, for God's sake.

0:02:420:02:44

-We're leaving in half an hour.

-Maybe she has gone a bit potty, Liz.

0:02:440:02:47

-Simon's living here, he...

-Oh, well, I think I might know why, then!

0:02:470:02:51

Maybe I'll call Poirot, see if he can work out why, yeah(?)

0:02:510:02:53

Hello? Poirot?

0:02:530:02:55

What happened? Did Poirot hang up?

0:02:550:02:58

Maybe he went under a tunnel. He's often on trains, isn't he?

0:02:580:03:01

-I made an appointment for her.

-You haven't!

0:03:010:03:04

You can't buy one when you're ill. You've got to be healthy.

0:03:040:03:07

-Then you can get ill?

-Maybe we should open up a bit and ask Grandma how she feels about being put in a home.

0:03:070:03:11

-Oh, shut up!

-Eugh!

-Tanya, it's better than her seeing

0:03:110:03:14

-some nutty counsellor your son...!

-Don't say counsellor so loudly.

0:03:140:03:18

It's just a woman who likes kalooki.

0:03:180:03:20

-They'll just talk. It's kalooki and talking.

-You can't do that, can you?

0:03:200:03:24

It's fine. Why does no-one trust me anymore? This is what I do - I make people happy.

0:03:240:03:28

-Who?

-The people. I'm a professional joy-giver.

0:03:280:03:32

Look, can we just get real for a minute

0:03:320:03:35

-and have a look at these flats?

-No!

0:03:350:03:37

She'll go to the grief counsellor first and see how that goes.

0:03:370:03:40

She's not specifically a grief counsellor.

0:03:400:03:42

-Where did you find this random woman?

-Ben Theodore.

0:03:420:03:45

-Ah!

-Oh, of course, Ben Theodore.

0:03:450:03:47

Are you sleeping with him yet or did you just find her number in his bin?

0:03:470:03:51

Is it a famous actress?

0:03:510:03:53

Is it... Hang on, let me guess. ..er, Joanna Lumley?

0:03:530:03:56

It's not an actress. Ben thinks she's amazing.

0:03:560:03:58

She's got a three-month waiting list.

0:03:580:04:00

Can I meet Joanna Lumley?

0:04:000:04:02

-I don't... I don't know.

-No! You know who I do want to meet?

0:04:020:04:05

-Emma Thompson.

-I mean, this isn't really what we're doing.

0:04:050:04:08

That bit, do you know the bit I mean?

0:04:080:04:10

Where she stops herself crying, because she's got to put on

0:04:100:04:12

a happy face for her children and her friends. Oh, that's my life!

0:04:120:04:16

-Sorry...

-Ask me what Simon's up to at the moment.

0:04:160:04:19

-Yeah. Can we just...?

-Go on.

0:04:190:04:21

What's Simon up to at the moment?

0:04:210:04:23

He's in a shitty play no-one's going to see! How are you?

0:04:230:04:26

So, sorry. Can someone tell me why he's taking my mum

0:04:260:04:29

to see a complete stranger?

0:04:290:04:31

She helped Ben, he was having trouble finding his Hamlet.

0:04:310:04:34

You're taking her to an acting coach?

0:04:340:04:36

Therapist! She does everything.

0:04:360:04:37

You didn't see Ben's Hamlet. He really found the hell out of it.

0:04:370:04:40

-Right, so you're happy that...?

-Ssh!

0:04:400:04:42

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy."

0:04:420:04:46

That's Julia Roberts. That's a different one.

0:04:460:04:49

-So we're going to Aces tonight, yeah?

-Who is?

0:04:560:04:59

-Didn't you get my BBM?

-No, I got rid of the BlackBerry, it was too...

0:04:590:05:02

-Expensive?

-Yeah, that was part of it.

0:05:020:05:04

I've phoned the club. We've got a table reserved -

0:05:040:05:07

-Simon Amstell plus nine.

-What? Why have you...?

0:05:070:05:10

-I'm a person!

-You've probably only got a month left before everyone forgets who you used to be.

0:05:100:05:14

I've got a date tonight with Ben Theodore.

0:05:140:05:16

-Something real is happening in my ridiculous life.

-But we've got VIP!

0:05:160:05:20

VIP in Aces? What is that? That's like Tesco Finest.

0:05:200:05:23

-Exactly.

-Don't go to Aces. It's full of yobs and sluts, isn't it?

0:05:230:05:27

-Hopefully.

-Isn't it where footballers go to rape people?

0:05:270:05:30

-Sometimes.

-You have to wear shoes and proper trousers to get in.

0:05:300:05:33

I don't like the dress code being basic dick.

0:05:330:05:35

"Can't wear trainers - looks like you came from a gym."

0:05:350:05:37

-Basic human - only two dress forms - club and gym!

-All right, chill out.

0:05:370:05:41

-Borrow Grandpa's clothes.

-Yeah! I'll slip into our dead Grandpa's trousers and have a gang-bang(!)

0:05:410:05:46

-It's what he w...

-It's not what he would've wanted.

-They'll pay you.

0:05:460:05:50

-For what? What am I doing?

-Showing up.

0:05:500:05:52

You know, P Diddy gets 15 grand for turning up at clubs,

0:05:520:05:54

then he just leaves and goes to another one.

0:05:540:05:56

-What are they paying me?

-100 quid.

0:05:560:05:59

You don't even have to do anything. Just take the money and slip out.

0:05:590:06:02

But people will see. I'm a renowned recluse.

0:06:020:06:04

You're so not. Trust me, nobody's going to make a big deal.

0:06:040:06:08

People take photos and put them on the internet,

0:06:080:06:10

-then when you Google my name...

-Only you Google your name.

0:06:100:06:12

Please, my parents have separated.

0:06:140:06:16

Oh, fuck off! Sorry, I mean, how are you?

0:06:160:06:20

-What did you talk about on the drive?

-Nothing.

0:06:250:06:28

-Did you tell him he'd still got a chance with me?

-No, actually.

0:06:280:06:33

I bet you did, you sneaky cow.

0:06:330:06:35

I'm done with him, he ruined my birthday.

0:06:350:06:38

OK, we need to go now, no?

0:06:380:06:40

Oh, I'm not dressed yet!

0:06:400:06:43

There's no rush, Mum! ..Is that what you're wearing for the date?

0:06:430:06:47

Yeah, what? It's casual, it's blue.

0:06:470:06:49

-How are you getting there?

-You're driving me.

-Am I?

0:06:490:06:52

Yes! You're driving Grandma to Hampstead, then you're dropping me off at Ben's.

0:06:520:06:57

Have you organised a date around your grandmother's therapy?

0:06:570:07:00

-Are you exploiting my mother?

-I'm not exploiting her. We'll talk about her on the date.

0:07:000:07:04

Why do you have to use your family to entertain strangers?

0:07:040:07:06

It's good to talk about these things. It's healing.

0:07:060:07:09

-Maybe he has a grandparent with issues or an emotionally-backward aunt, for example.

-Tanya!

0:07:090:07:14

Shoosh! And we're sure it's a date, yeah?

0:07:140:07:17

Yeah, I think so. We almost kissed the other night,

0:07:170:07:19

-so it's something.

-All right, all right, do we need to go on and on?

0:07:190:07:22

My son may be going on an actual date, Liz!

0:07:220:07:25

My son's got irritable bowel! I don't shove it in everyone's faces.

0:07:250:07:27

-You should've breast-fed him, I told you.

-Well, I couldn't, could I?!

0:07:270:07:31

I know, I know, they were chapped.

0:07:310:07:33

-Go on.

-What?

0:07:330:07:35

What happened with the kissing?

0:07:350:07:37

Oh, yeah, we just had a moment after rehearsals.

0:07:370:07:39

There was an energy between us. He was looking directly into my eyes

0:07:390:07:42

and I couldn't take it, so I started singing.

0:07:420:07:44

-What?!

-Don't, I can't bear it! It was too intense.

-What did you sing?

0:07:440:07:48

-The opening of The Lion King.

-Which one's that?

0:07:480:07:50

# Ah zivenya zizzicoo ziva zivenya

0:07:500:07:57

# Nazivenya, Namaneeziva! Zeecoo zivenya-a-a... #

0:07:570:08:04

All right, all right.

0:08:040:08:06

I couldn't stop, I thought he'd join in, he said his phone was ringing.

0:08:060:08:08

You should've done something from Oliver.

0:08:080:08:11

# As long as he needs me

0:08:110:08:15

-# I know... #

-Yeah, all right, all right, that's enough!

0:08:150:08:19

DOORBELL RINGS

0:08:190:08:22

-Oh, Clive!

-I got your message.

0:08:230:08:25

Now before you say anything, I'd like to talk to Tanya.

0:08:250:08:28

Of course, what do you mean? What a nice surprise.

0:08:280:08:32

Come in, everyone's here.

0:08:320:08:34

-Oh, Jesus Christ!

-What are you doing here?

-Well, look, I've...

0:08:380:08:41

I've been going around it in my head, trying to find the words.

0:08:410:08:46

What words? You shouldn't even be here.

0:08:460:08:48

Liz. Are you all right?

0:08:480:08:50

-It's unthinkable what I've done to this family. It wasn't...

-Why did you even let him in, Mum?

0:08:500:08:54

-It's Clive!

-I'm sorry, I'm sick of it!

0:08:540:08:56

-He let you down over and over again, Tanya!

-I didn't think you cared.

0:08:560:09:00

-Are you OK, Tanya?

-Yeah, she's fine. You can go now. Right now!

0:09:000:09:04

It's not a good time, unless you want to hang out with Liz?

0:09:040:09:07

-Oh, don't be stupid!

-What's wrong with you?

0:09:070:09:09

-Why you being so supportive?

-OK, we'll be late for the talking.

0:09:090:09:12

-I just want to be frank with you all.

-No, go, go!

-Because Tanya...

-Right now!

0:09:120:09:16

-What?

-Just go, go!

-Liz, we only kissed!

0:09:160:09:20

Adam, out! Out!

0:09:230:09:25

Sorry, I, I just wanted to...

0:09:250:09:28

Well, you weren't answering your phone!

0:09:280:09:31

Did you not know? I-I thought...

0:09:310:09:35

Captain, could we, erm...?

0:09:380:09:42

-So, so what...?

-I only have eyes for your mother, you know that!

0:09:510:09:56

We...just...got off with each other, it was...

0:09:560:10:00

-You had sex?!

-No! We kissed.

-Isn't "got off" sex?

0:10:000:10:03

Just a kiss! Nothing below the waist, or above, I mean nothing below the neck.

0:10:030:10:07

Right, just her head. And were you...?

0:10:070:10:11

-Were you going for a hug? What were you...?

-I was smashed.

0:10:110:10:14

-Oh...

-It started as a goodnight peck

0:10:140:10:17

and became a major event.

0:10:170:10:19

Right, right. Well, that happens, doesn't it? Does it?

0:10:190:10:25

And who, erm, I don't know what to say to you.

0:10:250:10:27

What do you think I should say? Am I annoyed that you've...?

0:10:270:10:31

Amused? I have to go. I shouldn't be amused, should I?

0:10:310:10:35

Well, say something!

0:10:350:10:36

Are you OK?

0:10:360:10:38

Speak Tanya.

0:10:380:10:40

-Tanya!

-Oh, I should never have let you go to Shrek with him.

0:10:400:10:45

What? You're a married woman, what's going on?

0:10:450:10:49

Well, you know, I love the films.

0:10:490:10:51

Is Barry not fulfilling you?

0:10:510:10:54

It's nothing to do with me and Barry, we're...perfect.

0:10:540:10:57

There are books you can buy. You want me to do a Google?

0:10:570:11:01

What are you talking about?

0:11:010:11:03

OK, OK, shoosh, shoosh. Maybe she'll find someone else.

0:11:030:11:07

-She wasn't actually with him.

-I know, I know.

0:11:070:11:10

But they have been getting on again, hadn't you?

0:11:100:11:13

It was so quick, it's not even worth talking about.

0:11:130:11:15

Shrek was very good.

0:11:170:11:19

Well, maybe if we'd seen something less romantic...

0:11:210:11:24

Than Shrek?!

0:11:240:11:25

The songs were great, you'd... Actually, you'd love it.

0:11:250:11:28

-All right, maybe you should just go, what about that?

-I need to talk to Mum.

0:11:310:11:34

-Why? It's a kiss, it's just a kiss.

-Simon!

0:11:340:11:37

I got off with her! What must Mum think?!

0:11:370:11:40

All right, well, maybe talk to Mum, my mum, another time.

0:11:400:11:43

I got Grandma to see a therapist, so she doesn't steal her friend's gorillas, and I have a date.

0:11:430:11:47

-Have you?!

-Yes, sort of, hopefully, I don't know.

0:11:470:11:50

OK, Captain. I'm-I'm sorry. Well, you should get dressed.

0:11:500:11:54

Em, OK, come on. Do you want to go to the toilet before you go?

0:11:540:11:58

I do, but I think I'll get more out of it if I wait till I get home.

0:11:580:12:02

Great.

0:12:020:12:03

You're well rid of him anyway, aren't you?

0:12:030:12:05

I don't know how it even...

0:12:050:12:08

It was relentless! He bought me this enormous bag of wine gums.

0:12:080:12:12

Right, er, I'll, um... be going now, ladies.

0:12:120:12:17

I am deeply sorry, Tanya. Could we talk just before I go?

0:12:170:12:22

Privately. Or is it too soon?

0:12:220:12:26

Mum?

0:12:260:12:28

OK, well, this is almost fun, isn't it?

0:12:290:12:32

Mum, do you, do you want to...? Do you want to, em...?

0:12:320:12:38

Should Clive just go now? Mum?

0:12:380:12:40

-Mum?

-What?

0:12:400:12:43

How do you feel about this, er, this thing?

0:12:440:12:47

I haven't decided yet.

0:12:470:12:49

OK. Well, could you decide soonish so we can get in the car?

0:12:490:12:54

I know we can't put the toothpaste back in the tube,

0:12:540:12:58

but I don't just want to throw in the towel.

0:12:580:13:01

-OK.

-It was a bad call. I zigged when I should have zagged.

0:13:010:13:05

-Yeah. Mum, we really have to go now.

-I'm not going anywhere now.

0:13:050:13:08

What do you mean? It was just her head.

0:13:080:13:10

-Did she kiss you?

-It was all very sudden.

-It was very sudden.

0:13:100:13:14

What are we talking about? You kissed on the lips, yeah?

0:13:140:13:16

Oh, it doesn't matter where, does it?

0:13:160:13:18

With open mouths? Were there tongues?

0:13:180:13:21

-Guess what Adam did this week? ..Adam!

-What?

0:13:210:13:24

-Threw one of the Shachters out of the window.

-Which Shachter?

-Steven.

0:13:240:13:28

-What?

-You threw Steven Shachter out of the window?

0:13:280:13:31

I thought I wasn't supposed to say anything.

0:13:310:13:33

Shelly was furious. Went straight through the glass.

0:13:330:13:36

They were just messing around and, I don't know...

0:13:360:13:38

Tell everyone what happened, Adam.

0:13:380:13:40

-Go on.

-What? It was an accident.

0:13:400:13:44

Can I go now?

0:13:440:13:45

-(Do you need any pills for tonight?)

-There was blood all over the patio.

0:13:450:13:49

I had to get the hose out. It's kids, isn't it?

0:13:490:13:52

NERVOUS GIGGLING Why are we talking about your patio

0:13:520:13:55

-when you've been having it off with Clive?

-Adam, out!

0:13:550:13:58

Oh, for God's sake!

0:13:580:14:00

Not had it off. I'm a happily married woman. Got off! Got off!

0:14:000:14:05

-Mum...

-IF we're going, we're going to be at least half an hour,

0:14:050:14:10

so just relax for a minute.

0:14:100:14:12

You're not really wearing that, are you? The blue one wasn't so terrible.

0:14:120:14:16

Look, I'm totally cool, so, um, whenever you want this...chat...

0:14:190:14:26

..I'll be right here.

0:14:270:14:30

Are you smoking? Why are you smoking?

0:14:350:14:38

Peer pressure. Actually, can you hold it?

0:14:380:14:41

-Why am I holding it?

-In case someone comes out.

0:14:410:14:44

Do you want to give up? It's quite bad for you, you know.

0:14:440:14:47

-Yeah, do you want to give up acting?

-It's going quite well, actually.

0:14:470:14:51

Ben thinks I'm very good at silence. We've cut a lot of my lines.

0:14:510:14:55

Do you want to talk about the whole kissing business?

0:14:560:14:59

Or I hear you threw a Shachter out of the window, what about that?

0:14:590:15:02

It was an accident.

0:15:020:15:03

Do you think it might be a reaction to your parent's separation?

0:15:030:15:06

No, they're always doing this. Nice try, though.

0:15:060:15:09

Don't tell anyone I told you.

0:15:090:15:11

-When did you last see Barry?

-Oh, he's taking me bowling today.

0:15:110:15:14

Oh, God, this is what happens. They take you bowling,

0:15:140:15:16

go nowhere when they live with you, now you go bowling every week!

0:15:160:15:19

-I don't have to.

-Yeah, you do, cos he feels bad about abandoning you

0:15:190:15:22

and you're going to feel sorry for him, it's horrible.

0:15:220:15:25

And it's scheduled, forced fun, it's like a panel show,

0:15:250:15:28

with no token woman. But you enjoy yourself.

0:15:280:15:30

Is that your phone now? Isn't that Grandpa's?

0:15:320:15:34

Yeah, my life's still going very well!

0:15:340:15:36

-Got anything to wear for Aces tonight?

-I'm not going to Aces.

0:15:360:15:39

Oh, PLEASE, I've told all my mates. And Caron's going to be there.

0:15:390:15:41

-Who's Caron?

-You wouldn't like her.

0:15:410:15:43

She's quite racist, but has the fourth best tits in the year!

0:15:430:15:46

Show me what happened.

0:15:500:15:52

-What?!

-I want to see.

-See what?

0:15:520:15:56

It was just a...

0:15:560:15:58

It was very warm in the theatre.

0:16:000:16:02

Has he got air conditioning in his mouth?

0:16:020:16:04

Look, I'm not being funny, men have always looked at me, I don't know why.

0:16:040:16:08

They think you're Groucho Marx?

0:16:080:16:10

-I was very drunk!

-All right, you don't have to keep saying you were drunk!

0:16:100:16:13

I was so out of it, she could've been anyone.

0:16:130:16:15

-Of course.

-It was such a haze, Tanya, that maybe I thought for a second it was you.

0:16:150:16:20

Don't you think I'm upset enough?!

0:16:200:16:22

-But I've told all my mates.

-I'm really, I'm not going.

0:16:220:16:26

Mark won't be there if you're worried. You can molest another weirdo from my year.

0:16:260:16:30

He molested me. How is Mark? Is he all right? He keeps texting.

0:16:300:16:33

-I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Why are you smiling?

-What?

0:16:330:16:37

You look like you know something about me. Do you know something about me?

0:16:370:16:40

-Yes.

-What? What do you know?

0:16:400:16:43

-Nothing, really.

-Oh, God, what is it? What? Go on, I'm ready.

0:16:430:16:47

He said when he... when he, you know...

0:16:470:16:51

-What?

-Came.

-Right?

0:16:510:16:54

-You said...

-Yeah?

0:16:540:16:57

-..well done.

-Oh, my God.

-Ah, you did!

0:16:570:17:01

-Only cos it took him a while! It's not my catchphrase!

-Oh, my God.

0:17:010:17:05

Well, obviously, he's told you. Have you told anyone else?

0:17:050:17:07

No.

0:17:070:17:09

Go on. Quickly!

0:17:090:17:12

What? You want us to act it out for you?

0:17:120:17:15

What have I walked in on?

0:17:150:17:17

Do it, or I'm never talking to you again. Really. Now.

0:17:170:17:21

-Come on.

-Not you. Don't know what'll happen next!

0:17:230:17:27

-Do it with Simon.

-What?!

0:17:270:17:30

-Simon?!

-It's a bit much, isn't it?

-Show me. Chop, chop!

0:17:300:17:34

-I wasn't there.

-Oh, my God.

0:17:340:17:38

-We were just saying goodbye and...

-What are you going to do to me?

0:17:380:17:43

Clive thanked me for coming and, and, he hugged me.

0:17:450:17:49

-Go on, then.

-I don't want to.

0:17:500:17:52

-Just do it or I'm not driving Mum anywhere.

-Oh, God.

0:17:520:17:56

-And then he...

-Stay in the hug!

0:18:020:18:04

Is that where you were touching each other, on the waist?

0:18:040:18:07

-I was so hammered...

-Oh, OK!

0:18:070:18:10

And then we just slightly kissed. OK?

0:18:110:18:14

-I'm not going to...

-For how long?

0:18:140:18:16

A second. Three seconds.

0:18:160:18:17

Right. Put your heads nearer. ..Move closer to your aunt!

0:18:170:18:21

-What are we doing?

-Where were your hands?

0:18:210:18:25

-I can't remember?

-Waists?

0:18:250:18:27

-Maybe.

-Go on.

-Tanya!

0:18:270:18:30

-This is quite upsetting for me.

-Did you make any noises?

0:18:300:18:34

-What do you mean?

-Like, "Mmmm!" or "Oooh!"?

0:18:340:18:37

-No!

-What about your legs? Was there any leaning or intermingling of legs?

0:18:370:18:43

-Probably not, right?

-Well...

-Show me the position.

0:18:430:18:46

SHE SIGHS

0:18:460:18:48

Was there any rubbing?

0:18:540:18:56

-No rubbing! No!

-Brushing?

0:18:560:18:59

-OK, shall we...?

-There was! I can see when you're lying - you're face goes all twitchy!

0:18:590:19:03

In the spirit of Glasnost,

0:19:030:19:05

she only touched me on the behind, and very delicately.

0:19:050:19:08

There was nothing in the frontal zone at all.

0:19:080:19:11

And you enjoyed that, did you? Were you aroused?

0:19:110:19:14

-OK...

-No!

-Not at all?

0:19:140:19:16

-No, no.

-Will someone be honest with me? Were you aroused?

0:19:160:19:19

-Well, friction is friction.

-Oh...!

-Oh, my God.

0:19:190:19:23

(Oh, OK, are we off?

0:19:290:19:31

VOICE BREAKS: (I'm going home.)

0:19:320:19:34

You're going home? Why are you going home? Oh... OK, now what do we do?

0:19:340:19:39

Shall I get Grandma so we can go? You'll feel better with just us.

0:19:400:19:43

We can talk about what an awful person Liz is. I'll perk you up.

0:19:430:19:47

This is what I do, this is the point of me. I've won awards.

0:19:470:19:51

DOORBELL RINGS

0:19:510:19:53

-Who is it?

-You answer it!

0:19:530:19:56

-Is she OK?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:19:560:19:58

Oh! Oh, Barry!

0:20:010:20:04

Look, it's Barry! Barry's here, everyone!

0:20:040:20:07

-CLIVE: Here he is!

-Why aren't you at home?

0:20:070:20:09

-No, I just got a bit...

-Have you forgotten I'm picking Adam up?

-I...

-That I'm taking Adam out? Er...

0:20:090:20:15

If we make an arrangement, is it too much for me to ask

0:20:150:20:17

not to have to drive round and round looking for your car?!

0:20:170:20:20

-I rang and rang!

-Oh, no, I'm on vibrate, sorry.

0:20:200:20:24

-Oh, she's on vibrate, Barry!

-He's such a good dad, isn't he?

0:20:240:20:27

Do you want a melon?

0:20:270:20:29

-A melon?! Or some melon?!

-No, thank you.

0:20:290:20:33

-Clive.

-Barry!

0:20:330:20:36

SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY

0:20:360:20:38

Adam!

0:20:380:20:40

-Adam!

-I'll get him, don't worry. How are you?

0:20:400:20:44

-Getting on all right at the flat?

-Fine, thanks.

0:20:440:20:48

-Need any washing?

-Look, please don't fuss.

0:20:480:20:50

Carry on losing weight like that, I won't recognise you.

0:20:500:20:54

I've missed this, haven't you?

0:20:560:20:59

What are you doing out here? Clive's on his own in there, Barry.

0:20:590:21:03

You want to keep him company?

0:21:030:21:05

You can talk about the news!

0:21:050:21:08

-< Barry.

-Clive.

0:21:100:21:12

Can't you just drop me at the tube, then?

0:21:120:21:14

(Simon...)

0:21:140:21:16

You don't say anything.

0:21:160:21:17

What am I going to say? I just want us to leave the house.

0:21:170:21:20

You mustn't say anything, Simon.

0:21:200:21:23

I have to keep at least one daughter married.

0:21:230:21:25

-Oh, that's nice(!)

-How could you fiddle about?

0:21:250:21:28

I don't care any more, Mum! She can have him if she wants him!

0:21:280:21:30

-I don't want him.

-You wanted his arse!

0:21:300:21:32

Ssh, why don't you go and to talk to Clive?

0:21:320:21:36

About what? You can't still want me to be with him.

0:21:360:21:40

He's not a drug dealer.

0:21:400:21:42

I've become very popular online now, you know.

0:21:420:21:45

-Oh, with a bunch of perverts?

-I've got other offers, OK?

0:21:450:21:49

-Have you? Who?

-Malcolm the chicken man?

-Shut up!

0:21:490:21:52

Who's Malcolm the chicken man? Was he bitten by a radioactive chicken?

0:21:520:21:56

He delivers chickens. He's like a milkman, but with chickens.

0:21:560:22:01

Is my life funny to you? I'm going. I've had enough of this shit.

0:22:010:22:04

Oh, Tanya, I'm cutting up the melon.

0:22:040:22:07

Take my advice, get out while you can.

0:22:100:22:12

Women - can't live with them, can't drown them any more!

0:22:120:22:16

How, er... How's, how's business?

0:22:210:22:24

Yep, all good in the hood, you know, zigging and zagging - mainly zagging.

0:22:240:22:27

Some zigging, obviously. Do you remember Zig and Zag?

0:22:270:22:31

Pair of wankers.

0:22:310:22:33

Is it still raining? I was out there around two,

0:22:340:22:37

and it was like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

0:22:370:22:40

-Are you, er...?

-Oh, Clive, you're still here?

0:22:400:22:42

Oh, I'm sorry, Clive. ..This is the man

0:22:420:22:44

-who spent three weeks fixing your mother's roof!

-No, no, my pleasure.

0:22:440:22:48

I bet you haven't even said thank you, have you?

0:22:480:22:51

God, you don't have to kiss him, just show a little bit of gratitude.

0:22:510:22:55

If it had been left, this house would have lost a lot of value

0:22:550:22:57

-if Lily came to sell it.

-Sell? I'm not selling.

0:22:570:23:00

-Oh, no, if you sell.

-I'm not.

0:23:000:23:03

-Where's Tanya?

-Those cracks on the wall, Clive, what do you think that is?

0:23:030:23:06

-Is that something we need to sort out?

-The subsidence?

0:23:060:23:08

Will you get Tanya? I've lost her.

0:23:080:23:11

But, Clive, that's a big job though, isn't it. What are we talking?

0:23:110:23:14

-Thousands, probably.

-Tanya, I've got subsidence!

-Oh, no.

0:23:140:23:19

-We don't have to worry about it now, do we?

-No, let's put it off!

0:23:190:23:22

-Let's just put it off!

-Oh, for God's sake! What, then?!

0:23:220:23:24

Well, I'd be only too happy to help if it's not too intrusive.

0:23:260:23:30

Ha, you'll never get rid of me.

0:23:300:23:33

Thanks, Clive.

0:23:330:23:35

Thank you, Clive.

0:23:350:23:38

Oh...

0:23:390:23:40

Oh, thank you, Clive.

0:23:400:23:43

Haven't you gone yet? Tanya...

0:23:520:23:55

What did you have to take her for?

0:23:550:23:57

-I wanted to take you.

-Well, you beat up my stripper.

0:23:570:24:01

Well, maybe I didn't feel like you should have a stripper!

0:24:010:24:05

-I'll do a strip for you.

-Oh, God forbid!

0:24:050:24:08

Come on, why not? You know I'm quite good at moves.

0:24:080:24:11

Why take Liz? Of all people!

0:24:110:24:13

They were dress circle seats!

0:24:130:24:16

Tan...

0:24:160:24:17

She just lunged at me, honestly.

0:24:190:24:21

-Did she?

-Yeah, I didn't know what was happening.

0:24:210:24:24

It was like being ravished by a big horny monkey.

0:24:240:24:27

Why does Ian Shachter keep calling me?

0:24:270:24:31

-Oh, sorry, I thought you were Liz.

-Yeah, easily done, apparently.

0:24:310:24:35

-SHE SNORES

-Right, I'm going, then.

0:24:380:24:40

Oh, hello, Barry. Sorry to rush off. I've got to get to Gants Hill tube in less than three minutes.

0:24:400:24:44

There's no Central Line today between Stratford and Newbury Park.

0:24:440:24:47

-Oh, my God, really? Don't say that.

-And a cab into town is, what, £60?

0:24:470:24:52

-That's if you can even book one today.

-Where's Clive gone?

0:24:520:24:55

-Has he gone?

-Yeah.

-Can you drive me to the Overground?

0:24:550:24:57

-No! Can't you see Ben another night?

-You couldn't drop me on your way...?

0:24:570:25:02

-We're already running late, Simon, I have a lane booked for six.

-Right.

0:25:020:25:06

-Here he is.

-Where've you been?!

0:25:060:25:09

Isn't Barry looking well today? Have you been away?

0:25:090:25:12

You look like all the stress has been lifted off you.

0:25:120:25:16

-OK, Tan.

-Oh, I could have a lot of fun with this body.

-Er...

-Big ogre!

0:25:160:25:21

-All right. Adam, get your coat.

-I don't want to go.

-Excuse me?!

0:25:210:25:26

I don't feel like it, I'll go next time.

0:25:260:25:28

-I'll go!

-We arranged to go bowling a week ago.

-It's like forced fun.

0:25:280:25:32

What are you talking about?

0:25:320:25:34

-Are you turning my son against me?!

-No!

-What forced fun?!

0:25:340:25:38

It's like a panel show, without the token woman.

0:25:380:25:40

What?

0:25:420:25:43

What's Adam said to you?

0:25:430:25:45

Nothing, he doesn't need to, he threw someone through a window.

0:25:450:25:48

-What?

-Someone needs to tell him what's going on!

0:25:480:25:51

He's living in a broken home that isn't being acknowledged,

0:25:510:25:54

-so he broke it!

-It's not a broken home. No-one's in a broken home!

0:25:540:25:57

Who's in a broken home?

0:25:570:25:59

You are.

0:25:590:26:01

You need to fix your home, Mum. You can't just paint over the cracks!

0:26:010:26:05

Which is why Clive has agreed to fix it.

0:26:050:26:07

Wow. That was good.

0:26:070:26:09

-Why is she shouting at me?

-Whether we sell or not,

0:26:090:26:11

-we need to...

-I'm not selling this house! I love this house.

0:26:110:26:15

-Clive can fix it! The least he can do after what he...

-Mum!

0:26:150:26:19

Adam, are you coming?

0:26:190:26:22

Great(!) Well, thanks, Liz!

0:26:240:26:26

Barry!

0:26:260:26:28

-Oh, he's gone.

-I think it's you two who need to see a psychotherapist.

0:26:280:26:31

-You should tell her you're sick in the head.

-Oh, OK.

0:26:310:26:34

I'll write that down. Sick in the head. Have you got a pen?

0:26:340:26:37

Oh, I think I need to lie down.

0:26:370:26:40

I don't think I can go now, Simon. You don't mind, do you?

0:26:400:26:45

-I don't really fancy kalooki.

-Oh, no, it's fine.

0:26:450:26:48

Aw, are you OK, Adam? Simon will cheer you up.

0:26:480:26:53

No, he won't!

0:26:530:26:55

Of course he will. Won't you?

0:26:550:26:57

Make him happy! That's what you do, isn't it?

0:26:570:27:00

< LAUGHTER

0:27:030:27:05

Oh, wicked!

0:27:050:27:07

-Oh, Mark's here?

-Yep.

0:27:080:27:11

-It's Simon Amstell! He's made it.

-Wey-hey!

0:27:110:27:15

CAMERAPHONE CLICKS Well done, mate!

0:27:150:27:17

-Come on, Simon.

-Come on!

-Thanks for coming.

0:27:170:27:21

THEY LAUGH

0:27:210:27:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:460:27:50

Simon's rehearsals for The Tempest have been going well. There seems to be chemistry between him and the talented actor/director Ben Theodore, and there's even talk of a possible date tonight. The rift between Liz and Tanya threatens to deepen as Clive arrives with some rather upsetting news.

Meanwhile, Simon has also arranged for his Grandma to see a therapist due to her unresolved grief and ensuing kleptomania.


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