The Day Simon Found Himself Back on the Path to Fulfilment and Joy Grandma's House

TV INTERVIEW PLAYS

SIMON: 'It was funny, all right, it was funny.

-'It's been interesting having you.

-Has this been all right?

'It's good. We're finished now. It's been lovely being with you.

'"We're finished now. Stop talking, Simon.

'"We've got to get Russell on with his tumour".'

TANYA LAUGHS

Oh, that's brilliant. I'm watching it again.

-Not again, that's enough.

-You shut up!

He's back, Mum!

I'm going to cry again.

Oh, gosh.

Was it OK? It was OK, right?

More than OK. You were intelligent...

Really? I was so nervous. I made sense about the play?

I didn't sound like a maniac?

No, perfect. And handsome. How do they make you look like that?

I don't know why you had to wear the glasses, that's not part of the brand.

No, good, I'm not a brand, I don't want to be a product.

-Do you need more money for contact lenses?

-Yeah, a bit.

Well, you'll be getting plenty of offers now. Thank God.

Wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to pay my own mortgage.

I love how you were sitting on the sofa. He's so trendy, isn't he?

Oh, yeah, that was a big hit.

You looked so thin.

Really? That's good. And young?

And funny, or quite funny, right?

Yeah, actually. Because you said they had

the same colour outfits - observational.

I thought I did a few funnier bits, no?

Nah. Shush! I'm watching it again.

-'Welcome to the programme.

-Hello.

-'Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.'

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. You're my life, now.

I've missed my baby.

I saw you yesterday.

Him. Not you!

-'All right.

-Do it, it's lovely.

-I'll stick with it.'

Ben still hasn't called.

-Sh, I can't hear my son.

-Sorry.

The scaffolding looks nice. Has Clive been round lots or...?

No! Don't have to see him just because he's paying.

The least he can do after all the fuss he's caused.

-He's caused?

-Shush, shush, don't...

What, Mum?

-She didn't jump on Clive? The little slut.

-Oi!

Ow!

Don't be rude. You're well rid of him, anyway.

Hurt my arm.

You haven't heard from him, have you?

No. I thought he might try to apologise again but...

Good. Shmocky man. Is there anyone else?

There's no-one out there, Mum. I'm done now, thanks to her.

-I'm sewing it up.

-What?

What? That's a phrase.

That's not a phrase.

-All right, I'm pouring concrete over it.

-Eugh.

-They can build a car park.

-Who?

-What you looking for?

I made some notes for this Radio 2 interview.

Simon and Ben are being interviewed by Claudia Winkleman tonight!

Oh, is she the one with the fringe right in her eyes?

Puts me on edge.

-Hasn't she had it cut?

-How can she see with such a fringe?

It's dangerous, tell her.

Do you always makes notes?

You can't just turn up and expect to be funny.

-No?

-Where have I put the bit of paper?

-What does it look like?

-It's got "spontaneous banter" written at the top.

I'm doing whites now, Simon. Do you want to take the basket or do you want me to go in...?

No, it's fine, I'll take it.

Oh, look at you two! You're like an old married couple. It's lovely.

This is the dream.

You won't want to leave, will you?

I might.

I found this place in Hackney with a disused train on the roof.

You want to live in an old tube train?

Under. It's really cool. I'm going to be a cool artist person.

You can't afford to move yet, can you?

-I've been meditating.

-Yeah?

I've been here for so long because I've been focused on being here.

Now I'm in vibrational alignment with who I really am.

I'm not here, I'm in this new flat, I've got an abundance of money

-and freedom and love.

-Yeah.

You won't say any of that to Claudia Winkleman, will you?

There's only the moment, time is an illusion,

everything has already been achieved.

When you go to be there?

I think 7:00.

What's this?

Oh, yeah, that's it. Don't worry, they weren't that funny.

Oh, they were on the floor, sorry.

OK. It's fine. I'm not here. This isn't real.

Can you remember any of it?

No, no. I can talk out loud without notes, can't I?

So, Simon, tell me about your play.

It's The Tempest.

-I'll get the bed sheets.

-Ah, good boy.

Liz is here!

Did you see him?

What?

Oh, no. Can we...can we talk somewhere?

Jesus Christ! What's all this?

What? Oh, what, my laptop?

Yeah, laptop. Is it new?

I needed it, get over it.

What do you need a laptop for?

The charity committee, it's been non-stop,

but so rewarding, you know?

You're still coming to the quiz tonight?

Of course. I've got nothing else in my life now.

-Did you record it?

-No.

Can we get on with what we're supposed to be doing,

I've got to be at Helen's in an hour.

How could you not record it?

She did, she did...

It's on iPlayer if you're such a computer woman...

She doesn't want to see it. Let it go.

It was well funny. Can't believe you took the piss out of that guy for having a tumour.

-I didn't take the piss out of him for having...

-Was it Adam's last exam today?

Did you do well?

Nah, I hadn't revised the question that came up so I just drew a horse.

Oh, well, as long as you've got your health.

-Tanya, I've only got an hour.

-In a minute.

-Do you want to go out tonight? Get some beers?

-Mmm...no?

Caron said when the exams are finished I'm going to get some.

Get some what? Some pudding?

Yeah, some pudding.

Gosh. Some full penetrative pudding?

Simon! What's he saying?

She's already given me hand pudding.

-Adam!

-MOBILE BEEPS

Can we...?

Oh, Ben! Thank God.

Go on.

Do you want me to read it?

-Not especially.

-Quickly.

-Tanya!

"You were really sweet on Breakfast." That's me, I'm sweet.

Everything is vibration.

"I'm regretting making this a day off, I miss your face.

"Can we eat together after Radio 2?"

Oh, my God, I love him. He misses my face. This ridiculous face.

It's a lovely face.

Mum! I didn't come round to discuss Simon's face.

-Liz, look at my face.

-Is it your pudding face?

Can we discuss my dead father's will?!

Who wants a Petit Filous?

What is wrong with you?!

Well, why haven't you spoken to her?

-Tanya! It's ridiculous, she needs to start...

-Do you need any bin liners?

No, I've got bin liners.

She hasn't been able to speak about him for six months,

let alone look at the will. You're so desperate to see what you've got?

It's not that, it's about sorting her paperwork out.

She's left it and left it, the house is crumbling on one side.

Clive's still paying for it, isn't he?

You don't still want him hanging around, do you?

Oh, yeah, we don't want him hanging around after what HE did(!)

What about a whisk? I've got two whisks.

-No.

-Oh, have a whisk, Tanya!

-You have a whisk.

Oh I forgot the Petit Filous.

Dad had a separate account for something, OK?

Barry had to help him go through all his papers...

What are you talking about?

-I don't care, she doesn't want to do it.

-You're not curious there might be something for you?

I've got his watch!

Oh, I love that watch. I think I took it already.

Liz, you got his old taxi badge and the air freshener collection,

if you want it, if not, throw away.

Great.

Simon, you got his golf clubs. Oh, isn't that sweet?

Lovely. What's Adam got?

No, nothing.

-Nothing?

-Do you want some golf clubs?

We did it before Adam was born, I think.

Never mind, I'll leave Adam something.

He won't have long to wait.

What you saying that for?

No, I've got to find you a rich man first.

I did have one. What and then you're off?

I don't know. Shush.

Oh, my God, Simon, you've got £12,000.

-No.

-Simon?!

-Yes! Can you believe it.

Really?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

Oh, I can move out, oh, my God.

Oh, thank God. Sorry, it's been lovely being here, though.

See? You just have to breathe and things flow to you.

Where did I put that estate agent's number?

Oh, yeah.

I really think Simon should split the money with Adam, don't you?

-Yeah.

-What?

-No.

-Yeah, come on, tight-arse, give us a few grand, I need a motorbike, and there's an operation I fancy.

-Don't get excited, I've got to pay Derren Brown back.

-Don't ever borrow money off Derren Brown again.

Well, he offered.

I don't trust him. Why can't he be called Darren, again?

He really doesn't deserve all that money, Tanya.

-Whatever someone else has got, she wants!

-It's not fair to Adam.

Barry's stopped his pocket money.

-Why is that?

-Oh, don't worry about it!

-Where is Barry?

-Stop interfering!

I washed it afterwards.

-You all right?

-Oh, what are you doing up here?

Sorry Liz made you do that.

Shall I take all those clothes down to the charity shop at some point?

No, no, no, no. I'll do it.

You're not on your own, you know? We're all here if you need anything.

You're not really closing your curtains, are you?

-Do you want me to ask around for you?

-No!

-Sheila might know someone. I could make some calls.

-I'm fine.

You might meet someone at the quiz tonight.

Shall I move in with you? Would that make you happy?

-Well, Simon's leaving now, so you could if...

-I was joking!

We could be like the Golden Girls.

Ah, that one died, you know? The dirty one.

I'm not that desperate for company.

No?

No! The only reason I got married in the first place

was to get out of this house.

At least I'm rid of Clive now. That's something, right?

(Hmm, hmm.)

Right?

I'm sure you'll be very happy, whatever happens.

Why don't you try this for tonight?

It'll cover everything.

-What do you mean, "everything"?

-No, no, nothing.

Just...all this.

"I like your new fringe."

OK.

"We're both Jews"?

Yep.

Ah! Dave Long's pulled out.

Who's Dave Long?

The Heart DJ, Dave Long. All night long with Dave... Dave Long.

Oh, great, his wife's in hospital dying.

Why agree to do it if your wife's almost dead? Helen's asking...

He's not doing it.

Helen wants to know. I said he wasn't right for it weeks ago.

Oh! She's saying not to come now till I've got him.

Tell her he's being interviewed by Claudia Winkleman about his play.

He hasn't got time to host your naff charity quiz.

It's not naff! We're doing the raffle like Foxy Bingo.

Helen's husband Paul is going to dress up as the fox,

with the purple suit, the fox head.

Oh! Cancel Claudia!

I still haven't written my speech.

You're not doing a speech?

Just at the end,

to say how grateful we are and how hard we've all worked.

You've got their money, why punish them?

-I've selflessly worked really hard.

-Yeah?

Well, someone needs to tell them.

-There's something a bit off about charity, isn't there?

-What?

Don't you think the desire to help or be doing something important

creates the necessity for suffering?

-I don't know what he's talking about, do you?

-That made sense, didn't it?

You need to perceive these people as invalids so you can feel valid. That's my point.

These people can't walk.

Yeah because... Look, I had this conversation recently with very cool people and it went much better.

Isn't there a thing - tending your own garden?

Isn't that a phrase? "Don't walk in other people's gardens?"

"Stay in your own garden, don't go in another garden."

They're really old, they need help.

Maybe they just need a good stretch.

He's very deep, isn't he?

-Yeah, that's it, not totally self-obsessed.

-Oi!

I haven't googled myself for a week. What about that?

It's freed up a lot of time. I'm reading books now.

Uh-oh. Simon's in trouble!

What's happened?

What is it? Show me.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

"Not-so-funny Simon Amstel stuns BBC Breakfast hosts

"with off-colour joke about Russell Watson's brain tumour."

-Who's saying he...?

-The Mail Online.

-What are you on that for?

-It's my home page.

"The oddball presenter made an insensitive remark about Russell Watson's battle with brain tumours

-"at the end of an awkward interview."

-It wasn't awkward. Was it awkward?

-No.

-No, that's your personality.

"The gaffe-prone host remarked, 'Stop talking! We're finished!

"'Got to get Russell on with his tumour'."

-Which was funny, no?

-Looks like your career's over again.

-Stop it!

-That's nothing, it's just the Mail being silly.

What's going to happen? They can't drop you from the play, can they?

-No! It's nonsense.

-Talk to Ben. He knows you're funny, doesn't he?

-Yeah, I told him.

-Tell him again.

Say you were taking the piss out of the presenters for going on about it.

That was my point. I wasn't taking the piss out of someone for having a brain tumour.

Just talk to him, tell him you're a lovely person.

You come from a family who laugh about things like cancer to cope.

If Liz had a stroke, we'd find a way to laugh about it.

Of course. God forbid.

This could boost sales, actually. People will be talking about you!

What, how insensitive and immature he is?

That's his humour.

It's disgusting.

-Maybe you're disgusting.

-How am I disgusting?

You know what you did.

You said we wouldn't talk about it again.

All right, sorry, sorry, not that, your hair's disgusting.

-Well?

-I can't get through to anyone.

It's fine, it's all nonsense, isn't it?

Keep trying. If you've screwed up your career again

I don't know what I'm going to do for money.

-Even Clive isn't calling any more.

-Everything's fine.

-This is nothing to do with me, I'm in the Vortex.

-What?

It's a vibrational place of deliberate creation.

No? Nothing for "vibrational place of deliberate creation"?

I was really ready for something there.

No, that makes sense.

-Yeah?

-Of course, you're in a vortex of deliberate bullshit.

There...there it is.

Sorry. We're all very proud you're in a vortex.

Everything's vibration, everything's vibration.

This isn't a table, it's vibrating molecules, it's malleable.

-It's not a table?

-It's all made up. Look at what's actually happening.

Money's suddenly popping in out of nowhere, I can move out now.

I can book this clown course.

What are you doing?

To loosen up my acting, Ben thinks I need to find my inner clown.

Oh! Just check you've still got a job first, Bubbles.

-Who's Bubbles?

-Bubbles the clown, no?

Oh, yeah, Michael Jackson's clown?

My bloody sister! You know Clive's got a Quooker.

-What's he got?

-A Quooker?

A permanently hot tap. Doesn't need a kettle.

Gosh. Such a tragic loss, isn't it?

Shut up, Cuddles.

Also a monkey.

Oh, well, it's not worth thinking about now, is it?

-He was on the brink of proposing again.

-Was he?

On my birthday, before he attacked the stripper.

-Ohhh!

-Caron's house has a Quooker.

-You stick with her.

You can have some tea with your pudding.

That was quite quick, wasn't it?

Liz has put you on a good table tonight.

Might be someone nice for you.

What have you done?

No, you never know.

Is it Malcolm the chicken man?

How did you guess?

You know he's not allowed in cinemas anymore?

Oh, give him a chance, no?

You could get a discount on the chicken.

I still don't understand what he does.

He delivers chickens.

I got put next to him at Gabby Schnek's wedding.

He was so boring. I'm extremely vivacious, aren't I?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

He didn't even watch TV! What am I supposed to do with that?

Well, what does he do?

He goes for walks!

I'm not marrying someone so I can go for a walk.

I need someone so I can sit.

You need to find someone to...

No, it's a car park now.

It's not a car park, Tanya.

-What?

-You've typed "gratititude".

-Oh.

-Oh, yeah.

-How much are you going to make tonight?

Last year it was something like £450.

You didn't buy the laptop just for this charity night, did you?

How much was that?

399, OK? Why? What?

Is the charity paying for it?

They'd better.

"Gratude."

Is Barry coming to the quiz tonight?

-Of course he is.

-Is he? He's moved back in? Oh, thank God.

-Thank God(!)

-I knew he would.

He was only in the flat for work, we weren't divorcing!

-Spit out.

-We've got the anniversary party coming up.

He hasn't moved back in just for the anniversary party, has he?

Well, it would have been a bit odd to have an anniversary party if we're not living together.

Yeah, but he came back and you hugged, you kissed in the rain,

there were tears and rain and he said... What? What did he say?

He said some Chinese people needed to use the flat now.

# On the wings of love...

What?

# Only the two of us. #

His shirts were all dirty. He'd been living on takeaways.

My Barry is a wonderful, reliable man, OK?

-As opposed to who?

-No-one.

At least Clive was fun.

He wasn't fun.

He was funny!

He wasn't SO funny.

You were always laughing.

He made me nervous.

Where's it gone? It's gone.

'You're sitting cross-legged on the sofa... 'I've never seen anybody do that before.'

-What you doing?

-Nothing. What you doing?

-You watching yourself?

-Can you give me a minute?

Go on, then, let's see.

-See what?

-Whatever you're watching that isn't you fucking up on TV.

OK, all right, there you go.

'That's great, no, do it. It's lovely.'

Ha-ha. Thought you said you weren't worried.

Have you called Ben yet?

Yeah, I'm trying.

Are you watching yourself again? Oh, I want to watch it, go on...

No, can't you... OK, don't talk, though.

98 comments now.

Shh! It's not a thing.

-"Get your feet off the sofa, you talentless little twerp."

-Stop it.

Does no-one sit crossed legged? Is that an offensive way of sitting?

-What are you doing?

-Oh. Are we all in here now?

My battery's gone and I haven't got my plug.

-I need to write my speech again, can you...?

-Shush a minute.

Oh, you really look smashing. Doesn't he?

'Quick, finish! We've got to get Russell on with his tumour! Stop talking!'

They're laughing. That's good.

What? I think it's good.

"Go crawl back under your rock, you silly little man."

-Who said that?

-"I pray that this vapid little man will know what it's like to live in cancer land."

Oh, it's enough.

It's fine.

We can do an interview together.

What does your agent think I'm going to say?

My Grandpa died of cancer, I'm a friend of the cancer people.

I'm hosting a charity thing tonight, I'm that guy.

The Ilford Recorder will be there if you need to show your agent

I'm definitely a wonderful person.

All right, all right. It's fine, really, it's fine.

I'll just meet you after then?

Right, OK, all right. No, I know, I know, I know.

OK, well, good luck with it. And don't forget, I'm very funny.

-He doesn't.

-Well, I've sat next to him for a whole evening and he smells of chicken.

He's a nice man. What's wrong with a little smell of chicken?

OK, Liz, good news! I'm doing your charity thing. I think you were right, charity is good.

What about the interview?

Rescheduled. Claudia Winkleman fell down a hole. She just didn't see it.

-See?

-Really?

-She grew it back.

Ah, no pudding for Simon.

I'm not here for the pudding.

Erm...is there any way we could we change the charity to Cancer Research

or anything a bit more tumoury?

-Sure, that'll be fine.

-Really?

No, we don't need you now, thank you. We might have Rhydian.

Rhydian? You can't have Rhydian. Ryhdian?

Come on, I really want to do it.

That Helen wants me.

Actually, Helen doesn't think you're an appropriate choice anymore.

Let him do it! Can't you see he's desperate?

-Helen doesn't want him, what do you want me to do?

-He's ruined his life again.

If you won't have him either, he's finished.

-I don't know if...

-Let me sort it.

Tell her to let him do it or I'm not coming.

I've arranged for you to sit next to Malcolm now.

No, you'll spend the whole night focusing on Simon.

How will you meet anybody if...?

Maybe Malcolm's a fan of Simon's.

-He's not.

-Well, maybe he would be, if he wasn't always out walking like a maniac.

DOORBELL RINGS

You're coming. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?

Oh, gosh. Clive!

-Lily.

-Hello.

Come in, come in!

Look who it is, Tanya.

Oh! Hi! What are you doing here?

You haven't even phoned.

You OK? Look who it is, Liz!

Sorry, things have been a bit hectic of late.

Simon! Dom Lobo just texted me.

Did you take the piss out of someone in a coma?

No, I... How would that work? He had a tumour.

Good one. Edgy.

I wasn't trying to be...

You've got a really talented son, Tanya, you should be very proud.

I am.

Do you want a roll? Or a satsuma?

Liz, why don't you help me with the rolls?

Come on, Adam.

Hello.

Wa-hey!

Liz is arranging a charity quiz tonight if you fancy it?

Simon might be hosting it.

I'm sure you wouldn't want me there, lowering your score.

SHE LAUGHS

Captain, could we have a quick word?

We're in the toilet again.

Now, it's not a big deal, but...

-What isn't?

-Actually, park that for a minute.

You know, I thought I'd totally blown it with Mum

but she looked quite keen in there, didn't she?

Yeah, maybe. What do you want?

You know I was about to pop the question again until the whole unfortunate stripper incident?

Oh, yeah, and the whole unfortunate Liz incident.

Quite. Do you think Mum's still holding a candle?

Should I ask her?

-I don't know. What do you...?

-Well, will you ask her?

-Didn't you want to talk to me?

-Don't worry about that yet.

You just get in there for me, mate.

-OK. Are you going to wait here?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll keep myself occupied. Good man.

Now, don't just wade straight in. Feel it out.

Be subtle, yeah?

-What does he want?

-He wants to know if you'd marry him!

Oh, thank God!

Gosh! What do you think?

I'm going to have a Quooker.

-You're not worried about his drinking?

-No-one's perfect.

He's got a wonderful job, a lovely house.

I don't want to end up like Debbie Greenbaum, do I?

Sitting at home just watching the soaps. That's not for me, is it?

No, that's not you.

It's a second chance, Mum.

-He's fixing up the house for you, he's been so nice to Simon, hasn't he?

-Very nice.

I can't rely on him to pay my mortgage anymore and it would shut Liz up.

-All valid points.

-What do you think?

I think I'm in my flat in London now.

-Yeah, but...

-I'm in London. Stop taking me out of my vortex.

I have great love for you all. Thank you.

-And he's a very good height.

-He is a good height.

-OK.

TOILET FLUSHES

Come in.

That was a bit quick. You sure you were subtle?

I was like a bee. Are they subtle? Butterfly? What do I mean? Spider?

-Well?

-Yeah, yeah, I think she'd be up for it.

-Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

-Well ask, ask.

Tonight's the night, skipper.

-Thank you.

-No hug, no hug! Sorry, let's just shake hands.

-Yeah.

-Oh, wet hands. Lovely.

Well, look, I don't want to panic you.

There's nothing to worry about, I just wanted to give you a heads up.

-OK.

-You will recall I said I would help pay for the subsidence issue if I could.

-Didn't you say you would?

-I need to borrow some money.

-Right?

So I can give you the money to pay for the subsidence, as promised.

Right, so you borrow some money from someone.

No. From you, you great tit!

-Earth to Simon!

-What's going on?

-Don't panic.

-You're saying I need to pay for the subsidence?

-Well, yeah.

How much is subsidence?

Well...seven grand should do it. Don't panic!

I'm very close to securing a new job.

What do you mean a new job? When did you stop having your current job?

Well eight months ago, no biggie.

Why were you offering all this money, then?

Well, to be brutal, to get back in with Mum.

She was the only thing that kept me going.

Without her, lately, I don't even know why I'm getting out of the car every morning.

Are you living in your car?

So how about this loan, old bean, hmm?

CHILDISHLY: Please, Mr Bank Manager.

OK, OK, all right. My Grandpa's given me some money

but I need to move out with that money.

You'll get it back.

-Will I?

-Just cos I've got the gags, doesn't mean I'm not good for it.

But I want to be straight with Mum, Si,

so we keep this money situation under your hat.

-OK, yes, sure.

-Mum's the word, if you pardon the pun.

Right. Is it a pun? Isn't it just the same word.

No, it's a pun.

Mum and mum?

Mum's the word is a phrase and it's about Mum.

-Right.

-Yeah, so it's a pun.

-OK.

-I tell you who's a great band -

-Biffy Clyro.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I was listening to them on... Zane Lowe last night,

down to earth guys and great tunes.

Oh, sorry, Simon, Rhydian's said yes now.

-Oh, my... OK, the raffle, then?

-He's doing that as well.

Look, I might be able to talk her round,

if you're so desperate all of a sudden,

if you promise Adam will definitely get half of my dad's money.

-But I gave him all the golf clubs.

-No-one wants the golf clubs.

-I need that money for my flat. That's my flat money.

-Well, you don't need £12,000.

I haven't got £12,000. CLIVE AND TANYA LAUGH

All right, what about 2,000 for Adam?

Four.

Four, fine. Four.

So I definitely get to work with Rhydian, right?

-Isn't it lovely to see Clive again?

-Yeah.

Well, if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

TANYA LAUGHS

So what about this quiz night, then, eh?

Do you want to go? It's not a bit boring for you?

I would go anywhere with you, my darling.

-Gosh.

-Oh, stop.

In fact, I've just been chatting with the Captain.

Hello.

-Oh, is he going to...?

-Shh!

OK, Clive, I'm ready for the question.

Tanya...

-..deal or no deal?

-What the fuck?

Well...

Deal! Deal!

Deal!

Mum, get the scissors, we're taking the stitches out!

-What?

-Nothing. Deal, deal.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it. I'm going to get married!

Well, kiss him!

One thing at a time.

All right? Thanks for the three grand!

Oh, I forgot to mention the VAT, Si.

Are you going to use those?