The day Simon and his family opened the door to acceptance Grandma's House


The day Simon and his family opened the door to acceptance

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Let's get in the party mood!

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Si, get the stereo on, hey?

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# Oh, oh!

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# My sex is on fire... #

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Oh, gosh.

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I still think Jamie Afro should have won it.

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Come on, Mrs Clive Freeman, where are those Zumba moves?

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Oh, we've just sat down.

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Aah!

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He's lovely, isn't he, when he's sober?

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He's got tenants, I told you, didn't I?

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You didn't tell me.

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You didn't tell her?

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Sorry, where's Barry?

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"Where's Barry?" Shut up!

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It's nothing to panic about.

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I'm not panicking, it's fine. Why's he got tenants?

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-You know when he lost his job...?

-What?!

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Look, he's got an interview next week with a company who produce gravel.

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OK? He just thought it might be a good idea

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to get people in, while he's waiting.

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Of course. Fine. Where's he been staying?

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-At me.

-And before?

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At friends, everything's fine.

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Tell your grandma there's nothing to worry about.

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He's talking to the gravel people.

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-OK?

-Really, it's fine.

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-He's not going to end up living in his car again.

-What?!

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He had a couple of nights...

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A couple of nights. And it's a lovely car.

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As long as you're happy.

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What was that?

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You think I've done the right thing, right?

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Yes! God, it's done now. You're married.

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I mean, I'm only in here because I can't bear

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to be in the same room as him, but I think it was a good choice.

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What did Liz want?

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Oh, nothing, I'll tell you later. Is my mum happy with him?

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Yeah, she loves him, loves him sober.

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-Will you have a cheesy beans potato?

-Are you mad?

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Why are you so fussy all the time? It's just food.

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Is it though? I'm not a cheesy beans potato person.

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It's frozen stodge, it's death.

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Onion Bhaji Bonanza?

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No?

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So where was Ben today? I thought he was your boyfriend now.

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He is. That's exactly what he is.

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Hmm.

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What's hmm? Don't hmm.

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Where was he, then?

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-Why don't you tell me what Liz wants?

-What's happened?

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OK, don't go potty, it's your day.

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I won't go potty. What's happened?

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-What's wrong with you?

-What?

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Everyone's asking me how I put up with it, you know,

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and I say, "Oh, it's fine, let my sister get married

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"on the same day as my anniversary party, what can I do?"

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How many times? It took so long to get that slot,

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otherwise it would have been another six weeks, is that what you wanted?

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I'm trying to talk to my son.

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Well, talk to him, then.

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Go on.

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-What?

-Ben!

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Oh, he's going through a crisis.

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What crisis is he going through?

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He just sort of dropped out of the play this week.

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-What?

-But it's your day.

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It's all you've got, that stupid play. How can he do that?

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He's creatively exhausted.

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-Eugh!

-It's like when I left the show. I think he feels I'm the only person he can talk to about it.

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Does he know you haven't had a job in a year and a half?

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I'll murder the mumbling little prick.

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Don't murder him, I like him. He's beautiful and fragile.

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-He won the Olivier.

-What for? Blinking?

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Every scene, it's like he's having a spasm.

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Yeah, that's his thing. Stop it, we're in love.

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-Are you?

-Yeah, we would be, if I was capable of feeling things.

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Oh, shut up about feelings all the time,

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just find someone who can keep his eyes open for half a sentence.

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I keep trying to say I love you and I can't do it.

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OK, why?

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Because it just has to flow out of you naturally, doesn't it?

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You can't rehearse it, you have to... You can't make it funny.

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You can't say, "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I loved you?"

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Yeah. So, what's going on with the play?

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The cast want to carry on without him.

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Yeah, go on.

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-David's wife... David who plays Prospero...

-Whatever.

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She's a teacher, so the idea is that we'll maybe do it for her students,

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-then do a whole tour of colleges.

-You're not doing that.

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-Why not?

-What for?!

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Because the theatre is who I am now.

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-Can you hear yourself?

-No. What?

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Pretentious? A bit pretentious?

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I can't talk to you anymore. This is terrible timing, you know.

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-For what?

-Mum wants to know if you've told him yet.

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Just tell her to piss off.

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OK. Did you just say, "The theatre is who I am now"?

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He knows.

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What does Liz want?

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It's nothing, you just...

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You have to move out of the house now.

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MICROWAVE DINGS

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Oh, look, here's your cheesy beans potato.

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Oh, thank you, Lily.

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Don't make a fuss on my day.

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Liz just thinks it may be for the best if you move out soon.

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Oh, I think I need to go and count my shoes.

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It's not just me.

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Sorry, we had a talk, everyone agreed...

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Is this an actual thing? When did you have a talk?

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You were meant to have a play!

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-I do!

-A proper play, not a school assembly!

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-Bad timing.

-Shouldn't you be out sexually harassing young women?

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Yeah, Caron's dumped me.

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Ah, the one with the nice breasts? Oh, well.

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Can we not?

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How long did you think this odd little arrangement

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was supposed to go on for, hmm?

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It's for the best. You need a push, don't you?

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Look at you. It'll help you get on with your life a bit, don't you think?

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Will being homeless help? I don't...

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-Honestly, mate, I'm so excited for you.

-How am I supposed...?

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This will be the making of you.

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Bit of tough love and you'll be back in business in no time.

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Grandma was there and she agreed.

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Where am I supposed to live?

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You're 31!

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Yeah, but I look more 26, 27.

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If you're desperate, you can always move in with me and Clive.

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-Oh, yeah, OK. Thanks.

-You'll be fine. You can sleep in the middle.

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Hey! Not on my watch!

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I'd like to be more accommodating,

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but you don't want to see what goes on in there.

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Maybe it's time to get a normal job.

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-Thank you.

-Don't say that!

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-That's where we are now.

-No, it's not.

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-Where are we, then?

-I don't know!

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Ben thinks I've got a rare quality, I'm engaging.

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I can't... I have to do something creative. I can't...

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-Can you still juggle?

-Maybe he can get something at Tesco.

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What's happening?

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He'll get recognised.

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If he's on the fish counter, he'll have a hat.

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Can't you live with Blinkybollocks?

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Yeah, maybe? Possibly. Maybe.

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He hasn't dumped you yet?

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You'll thank me, I promise. I'm doing you a favour.

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Oh, thank you. Thanks.

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It's like a drug addict, you can't keep supporting them, you have to...

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Yeah, I get it. You're all very kind.

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So thrilled for you, mate. Good work.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Oh, Tanya said you were up here. Are you all right?

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Yeah, yeah. It looks like I might be moving out at some point.

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Oh, really? Are you leaving me?

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Yeah. No? I mean, I don't want to be a burden on you.

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You haven't been a burden, never.

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I could stay a bit longer, if you want.

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SHE GIGGLES

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No. I mustn't stop you, if you think it's for the best.

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It's for the best, it's for the best, it's for the best.

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I know you have to lead your own life.

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I mustn't hold you back.

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I've got to go and count my plates.

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Hello! Still not picking up?

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OK, well, it's our anniversary party tonight, remember?

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Everyone's coming. Call me back when you get this.

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No panic, I'm going to Costco, so don't worry about that.

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OK, call me back. Bye.

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Right, I need to go to Costco right now.

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Oh, he's got the card. Can I borrow yours?

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You can't, it's got my photo on it.

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So? I also need to get home to put my banner up.

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They confiscate them if you use someone else's card.

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Give me the card. They won't know the difference.

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It's got my photo on it!

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We're sisters.

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I'll say I was a bit bloated that day, they're never going to...

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Oh, I'm going to give it to you now, aren't I?

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Whose face is wider, Simon? Mine or Liz's?

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Get a tape measure.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, he's here. Thank God.

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Oh.

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Hi, how are you? This is Zazzy.

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Yeah, yeah, go through.

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Oh, Simon, look who it is!

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Oh, my God, hi!

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You came! How are you?

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And you brought Zazzy. Hi, Zazzy, this is fun.

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This is Ben's friend Zazzy. She's very cool, she wears glasses.

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-Zazzy?

-Yeah. Zazzy. It's like snazzy with a Z.

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Zazzy?

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Zazzy!

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OK. And you've all met Ben before.

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Hello, how are you all?

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-What?

-Yeah, that's the one.

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-This place is amazing. Your carpet is mad.

-Is it?

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Look at that bar! Oh, my God, it's completely mental.

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Simes, your Grandma's wallpaper is bad-arse.

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Oh, thank you.

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How is the famous Ben Theodore?

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Simon's better half, eh?

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Feel so sorry for you, having to go out with this bell-end.

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No, No. You remember me? Clive Freeman.

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-Oh, yes.

-Seriously, if you're ever on the lookout for gravel...

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This is Zazzy.

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Afternoon, Zazzy.

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Great. So what are we... What are we doing?

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Are we done with the eating now?

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Should we be standing, should we be sitting? What's the plan?

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What's going on with my son's play?

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Oh, Mum... Oh, Liz! This is Zazzy.

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Yeah. We met. Show me the photo.

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The guy on the door is not CSI Miami.

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Well, you take me, then.

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All right, shall we...? Do you want to go and look at the kitchen?

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The sink is deranged.

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-Well?

-Mum, leave him alone for a minute.

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I just want to know. Let your boyfriend speak. Well?

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Erm, it just didn't feel, erm...

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visceral enough, really,

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it just felt like a play.

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Wasn't it supposed to be a play?

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-OK...

-It's like my boyfriend, Merlin - designs furniture -

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and he always says, "It just looks like a chair."

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You know what I mean?

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I know.

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OK. We're going to go and talk about things.

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Do you want to stay here, or do you want to come? Stay here?

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I'll totally come, yeah.

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OK, cool. Carry on.

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Your hat is the nuts.

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So, come on!

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You want me to go to Costco on my wedding day?

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Why can't you just go to Sainsbury's?

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I'm getting the big trays of pastries.

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I'm not going anywhere till I know what's going on with this play!

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I'm so glad you came. Only slightly late, that's fine.

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Budge up.

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I'd actually completely forgotten about the wedding.

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Oh, that's funny. Oh, good. I'm really self-absorbed too.

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But I wanted to talk to you in person...

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-Oh, yes, go on.

-I've been offered a film.

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Oh, right. Well, that's great news, isn't it?

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It's not great news, it's fucking awesome news.

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Right, yeah. So the play, you can still...

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I definitely can't do the play now.

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OK, that's cool.

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Why didn't you tell me you had a film?

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I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, only Zazzy knew.

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Oh. Oh, OK.

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Well, it's good you could talk to someone, isn't it?

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I like your hair thing. Where's that from?

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-I made it.

-Of course you did.

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Maybe he's left you.

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Is that supposed to be funny?

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OK, sit. Sit.

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SHE SIGHS

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So, are you excited about tonight?

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Stressed. It's going to be incredible though.

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Got the couples' fancy dress,

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got some really fun games for people, and the banner.

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-What games are you doing?

-Don't do that face.

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I've written a really funny quiz from the internet.

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Listen to this one, it's brilliant.

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Can you telephone from an aeroplane?

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What, with a mobile?

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-No, no. Can you telephone, but from...

-I don't know.

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Go on, can you...

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I don't know. No.

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Oh, well, I think you must be a bit stupid then

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if you can't tell a phone from an aeroplane.

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SHE CACKLES

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-Oh, Liz.

-Well, don't come, then!

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Ugh! He'll call you back in a minute.

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-His phone's broken!

-OK, so you'll divorce.

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You're a divorce.

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It's like a big Hollywood thing, which makes me feel quite scared.

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Yeah, I bet.

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And it's comedy, which is a bit out of my comfort zone,

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but spending so much time with you has been really helpful, I think.

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Oh, really? How come?

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Well, the character doesn't really know what he's doing with his life.

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He's sort of a lost, lonely soul

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and a bit sort of, I suppose,

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slightly buffoonish and awkward, you know?

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Yeah. Good. So what about... Well, when are you going?

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Well, that's why I came. I thought maybe you could come with...?

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Oh, really? When? When...?

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This Friday. It would be so lovely to have you there.

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Oh, gosh. Would it?

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OK, well...

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You have to come, gorgeous.

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It'll just be the three of us in LA, so random.

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SHE GIGGLES

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Right, but... So what about the play?

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Forget the play.

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Oh. Forget the play?

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Ugh! It made Benjy so miserable.

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Er, but wasn't it important that I explore my craft?

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I thought I was engaging?

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Did I say that?

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Yeah, or, erm, watchable. Aren't I watchable?

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Shouldn't people watch me?

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Maybe.

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Sorry it's all so sudden, I just have to know today

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because my agent needs to book the flights.

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Of course, no, yes.

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I guess it would be good to be sort of new again, wouldn't it?

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Yeah, it'll be so fun. Stop being so boring.

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OK, all right, let's go to America, then. I'm fun. Bloody play.

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If it's not visceral, it's not visceral. Shame it wasn't visceral.

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Do you sleep on this, Simon?

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-Yeah.

-That's so dark.

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Yeah. It is quite uncomfortable.

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Hard-core.

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He won't miss your anniversary.

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-I know he won't.

-Maybe his phone's off.

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It is. It must be broken, actually.

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Really, Liz, he's not interesting enough to be having an affair.

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Obviously!

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Right. Here's the exciting news. Ben and I are off to America.

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-With Zazzy. What about that?

-What?

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-America?

-Happy?

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Ben's got a film, so we're going to...

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go and hang out with all the cool people.

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Oh, my God! You can break America!

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Barry and I have done America. It's not all that.

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This is it! You can have meetings. Can't he?

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-Yeah. Maybe.

-I don't know...

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I always knew you had it in you, you talented little swine.

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We may have been down on our luck, Si,

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-they may have called us losers, failures, no-hopers...

-Who?

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I can see it. You'll have meetings.

0:14:110:14:13

This is what they do, they have meetings.

0:14:130:14:15

Sorry. She's obsessed with Samantha Mumba.

0:14:150:14:17

-She was in a film.

-She was in a film.

0:14:170:14:19

Oh, I haven't had this much excitement since I met Linda Robson

0:14:190:14:22

at an Audience With Donnie And Marie.

0:14:220:14:23

I told you it would be for the best, didn't I?

0:14:230:14:25

What did I say? You just needed a little push.

0:14:250:14:28

Oh, yeah, thanks for the push.

0:14:280:14:29

Thank me, it was my idea.

0:14:290:14:31

He could get an agent out there, couldn't he, and have meetings?

0:14:310:14:34

OK. Shush.

0:14:340:14:35

I don't want to be negative, but it's a really long process,

0:14:350:14:39

and the trip's not really about that.

0:14:390:14:41

It's not really about that.

0:14:410:14:43

-It took my agent six months to get my visa...

-It's fine, don't worry.

0:14:430:14:46

But you could...

0:14:460:14:48

And it costs like £4,000, it's so cock.

0:14:480:14:50

Have you even got a new agent here yet, honey?

0:14:500:14:52

-Oh, no, no.

-He doesn't need one, he's going to Hollywood!

0:14:520:14:55

-You'll sort him out, won't you?

-OK. All right.

0:14:550:14:58

What dream world are you living in?

0:14:580:14:59

It's Hollywood, Liz! He'll be like Steve Jones on X Factor.

0:14:590:15:03

Ah! Can I come with you?

0:15:030:15:05

Sorry, there's a lot of unfulfilled ambition issues here.

0:15:050:15:08

What are you saying about me?

0:15:080:15:09

Nothing, just explaining how you sort of live through me

0:15:090:15:12

-because your life is so awful and disappointing.

-That's not very nice.

0:15:120:15:15

Sorry, I thought you'd laugh.

0:15:150:15:16

It would've been very funny if you'd laughed.

0:15:160:15:18

Your silence made it seem a bit mean.

0:15:180:15:21

You've said this, this is your stuff. You're pushy and annoying

0:15:210:15:24

because your life hasn't quite worked out...

0:15:240:15:27

No, worse? Sorry.

0:15:270:15:29

Wow, that was impressive(!)

0:15:290:15:31

Anyway, we're going Friday. It's for the best, right?

0:15:320:15:35

I think I need some water. I'm going to get some water.

0:15:350:15:37

Do you want some? I'll bring you some.

0:15:370:15:39

-Oi. How old is she?

-Who? Zazzy? 24. Why?

0:15:440:15:48

-You need to wing me on this one.

-What are you doing? You're not...

0:15:480:15:51

Don't cock-block me, Simes.

0:15:510:15:52

What are you hoping to achieve?

0:15:520:15:54

I've got skills. You should try this.

0:15:540:15:56

Rather than talking and talking like an idiot,

0:15:560:15:58

you got to picture a scared little chicken, and I'm the fox.

0:15:580:16:01

Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.

0:16:010:16:03

And then bang, cook her up and stick her in a bucket.

0:16:030:16:06

Hey. You OK, mate?

0:16:060:16:08

HE LAUGHS

0:16:080:16:09

Bit of pre-match nerves?

0:16:090:16:11

Look, you've got to take a chance on love.

0:16:110:16:13

Don't worry, it'll all work out, big star like him.

0:16:130:16:17

I bet he can swing you a part in his film like that.

0:16:170:16:19

I don't know if...

0:16:190:16:21

Well, stop being an almighty pussy and ask!

0:16:210:16:23

Bloody hell, he clearly loves you like mad,

0:16:230:16:25

he'll take a gamble on you, won't he?

0:16:250:16:27

I suppose, yeah.

0:16:270:16:28

Well, otherwise, you're going to look like his bitch

0:16:280:16:31

and you're nobody's bitch, you know that, right?

0:16:310:16:34

No, no, I'm not.

0:16:340:16:36

Nobody fucks the Captain.

0:16:360:16:38

Yeah, I think my late husband used to have glasses like that.

0:16:430:16:47

It's funny what people wear now, innit? All the old styles.

0:16:470:16:50

They're so big for you, aren't they?

0:16:500:16:52

Are they? Not really.

0:16:520:16:55

No? You've got a lovely little face and such big glasses.

0:16:550:17:00

I am short-sighted, I do need them.

0:17:000:17:02

Well, if you can't see how big they are,

0:17:030:17:05

maybe you need bigger glasses.

0:17:050:17:07

Sorry. Hello. Is Ben somewhere?

0:17:090:17:10

He's upstairs, talking to LA!

0:17:100:17:13

OK, cool.

0:17:130:17:14

Hang on, I'm coming too.

0:17:140:17:15

Oh, yes, of course.

0:17:150:17:16

-Didn't even look at me. Did you see that?

-Oh.

0:17:180:17:21

Right, panic's over, not that it was a panic. He's just texted.

0:17:210:17:24

He's fine. He was on the way to visiting his bloody aunt.

0:17:240:17:27

She's got pneumonia! She does it on purpose.

0:17:270:17:29

Yeah, she got pneumonia to annoy you.

0:17:290:17:32

On my anniversary? It's always something.

0:17:320:17:35

Pneumonia, tell her to put a coat on.

0:17:350:17:38

You remember on my birthday, she decided her lung should collapse?

0:17:380:17:41

-You sure he's not just using her as an excuse?

-Stop it.

0:17:410:17:44

-Does he know about the quiz?

-Yes!

0:17:440:17:47

I trust my husband, OK?

0:17:470:17:49

I'm sorry you've never experienced that kind of relationship,

0:17:490:17:52

I'm very relaxed.

0:17:520:17:54

Of course you are.

0:17:540:17:55

Why wouldn't you trust your husband to get back in time from Eastbourne?

0:17:550:17:59

Be back by 6:30 or you'll be picking your clothes up off the driveway.

0:17:590:18:03

As soon as you get this, you turn that car around.

0:18:030:18:05

You can visit your aunt tomorrow.

0:18:050:18:08

And can you call me back?

0:18:080:18:09

There'd better be something wrong with your phone.

0:18:090:18:11

It's our anniversary!

0:18:110:18:12

We have to go soon, Benny.

0:18:120:18:15

We're doing a last-minute trip to Spitalfields.

0:18:150:18:17

They do some amazing vintage crates there.

0:18:170:18:19

Crates? Gosh, you're so trendy, aren't you?

0:18:190:18:22

They do such beautiful pieces. Do you want to come, Simes?

0:18:220:18:26

Oh, you can meet Tuppence.

0:18:260:18:28

Yeah, maybe.

0:18:280:18:30

Do you know what I ate the other day?

0:18:300:18:32

An apple.

0:18:320:18:34

I know. You forget how amazing apples are.

0:18:340:18:37

Seriously, we should all eat more apples.

0:18:370:18:40

Can I just have a quick chat with Ben? Is that all right?

0:18:410:18:44

Of course! Is that OK, Benelicious?

0:18:440:18:46

Yeah, yeah.

0:18:460:18:47

THEY GIGGLE

0:18:480:18:50

You're both so cute!

0:18:510:18:53

SHE GIGGLES

0:18:530:18:54

She's fun, isn't she?

0:18:560:18:58

He's turning the car around, so you can stop talking now, OK?

0:18:580:19:01

Oh, that's good.

0:19:010:19:02

And he's very excited about the quiz. And the banner.

0:19:020:19:05

Did he say that?

0:19:050:19:07

You still haven't told me what you two are coming as yet.

0:19:070:19:09

Aladdin and Jasmine. From Aladdin.

0:19:090:19:11

Not really a famous couple.

0:19:110:19:14

Yes, it is. Aladdin and Jasmine.

0:19:140:19:16

Aladdin is famous.

0:19:160:19:17

Jasmine.

0:19:170:19:19

# A whole new world... #

0:19:190:19:20

Oh, gosh.

0:19:200:19:22

Come on, Tan.

0:19:220:19:23

# Don't you dare close my eyes... #

0:19:230:19:26

Join in.

0:19:260:19:27

They're not a famous couple!

0:19:270:19:29

Not like Bonnie and Clyde, or Des and Mel.

0:19:290:19:32

Des and Mel? You want us to come as Des and Mel?

0:19:320:19:36

No, she's got very big hands.

0:19:360:19:38

Just make an effort would be nice.

0:19:380:19:40

We've made the effort.

0:19:400:19:42

Clive's Aladdin with the baggy trousers

0:19:420:19:44

and I've got my long blue dress.

0:19:440:19:45

You haven't got a proper Jasmine outfit?

0:19:450:19:47

You're just going to be a woman in a dress.

0:19:470:19:49

-I'm...

-If anything, Aladdin should come with a monkey.

0:19:490:19:53

You should be the monkey.

0:19:530:19:54

He didn't fuck his monkey!

0:19:540:19:56

SHE SIGHS

0:20:110:20:13

# In the middle of an island

0:20:170:20:22

# In the middle of the ocean

0:20:220:20:25

# You and me forever, darling

0:20:270:20:31

# In the paradise for two... #

0:20:310:20:34

So, who else is in the film?

0:20:390:20:40

Oh, Russell Brand, Tina Fey, Ben Whishaw, have you met him?

0:20:400:20:43

You'd really like him, I think.

0:20:430:20:45

Cool.

0:20:460:20:48

Sorry, I just don't know what, erm...

0:20:480:20:50

Can you explain what exactly we'll be doing there?

0:20:500:20:52

I mean, what are we...? What's the...?

0:20:520:20:54

You'll help me learn my lines, it'll be nice.

0:20:540:20:56

Just be there for me.

0:20:560:20:59

Grab some groceries occasionally, a bit of dry cleaning maybe.

0:20:590:21:02

Can you drive?

0:21:030:21:05

But I couldn't just live off you.

0:21:050:21:06

I mean, I'd want to be doing my own...

0:21:060:21:08

Oh, we could sort out a wage for you. Don't worry.

0:21:080:21:10

My last PA was on £400 a week.

0:21:100:21:13

It couldn't be official because of the whole visa thing.

0:21:130:21:16

Right. Yeah.

0:21:160:21:18

OK. PA-ing. Well, that's good, isn't it? That's good.

0:21:180:21:21

OK, cool. Oh, are we going for a...?

0:21:210:21:23

Oh, you got a text. What you got?

0:21:230:21:26

Sorry, shall I leave you to it? I'll shut the door.

0:21:260:21:28

What's wrong?

0:21:340:21:36

No, no. I've got two married daughters,

0:21:360:21:41

what more could you want?

0:21:410:21:43

Do you remember when Liz went missing in Broadstairs?

0:21:460:21:49

On the beach.

0:21:490:21:51

Gave us such a shock.

0:21:510:21:53

We had an ice cream and Bernie went looking for you.

0:21:530:21:57

We always used to say,

0:21:570:21:59

"If you get lost, always stand next to a bin."

0:21:590:22:02

So Bernie was looking round all the bins on the promenade.

0:22:020:22:05

I mean, people must have thought he was a tramp.

0:22:050:22:07

Oh, we were terrified. He walked around for three hours.

0:22:080:22:12

Eventually, you know where he found her?

0:22:120:22:15

He came back and said he found her sitting in a skip.

0:22:150:22:19

-SHE LAUGHS

-In a skip.

0:22:190:22:22

SHE LAUGHS

0:22:220:22:24

He was out so long, he got sunstroke.

0:22:270:22:31

Had diarrhoea for three days.

0:22:320:22:35

He was vomiting.

0:22:350:22:38

But he loved his girls so much, both of you.

0:22:380:22:43

-After that, we got the cap.

-SHE CRIES

0:22:430:22:47

-What have you done to her?

-What? What's happened?

0:22:480:22:51

You all right? Yeah?

0:22:510:22:52

Oh, gosh, sorry. I don't know what's happened to me today.

0:22:520:22:57

-I'm just so relieved.

-She's just happy about the wedding, no?

0:22:570:23:01

-Yeah.

-God, is no-one allowed to express a feeling in this house?

0:23:010:23:04

Sing something, Simon.

0:23:040:23:06

-What?

-Go on.

0:23:060:23:08

Quickly though, I really need to go to Costco's.

0:23:080:23:11

Come on, for your grandma. Do the Wedding of Izzy Green.

0:23:110:23:14

-Oh, yeah.

-Ben'd like to hear it. Where is he?

0:23:140:23:16

No, he wouldn't.

0:23:160:23:17

-Ben!

-Shh! I don't want to sing!

0:23:170:23:19

You sing, you want to sing. I'm not 12.

0:23:190:23:23

What's wrong with you?

0:23:230:23:24

I think he's just tired.

0:23:240:23:26

Go on, for your grandma.

0:23:260:23:28

I don't have to perform for everyone's love anymore.

0:23:280:23:30

All right, you don't have to be so dramatic.

0:23:300:23:32

I'm trying to make real emotional connections in my life,

0:23:320:23:35

while you just get married because it's the normal, dull thing to do.

0:23:350:23:38

-What's wrong with you?

-You!

0:23:380:23:39

The only reason I was even born

0:23:390:23:41

is because you have a total lack of imagination.

0:23:410:23:44

-Hello.

-Ben, do you want to hear Simon sing a song?

0:23:440:23:47

# Have I told you about the wedding of my cousin Izzy Green?

0:23:470:23:50

# It was the finest wedding that you have ever seen

0:23:500:23:52

# There was Verbinski and Levinsky

0:23:520:23:54

# Hannah and Levine And it lasted Sunday night till...

0:23:540:23:56

# Monday morning! We got the invitation

0:23:560:23:58

# It said dinner was at five. We... #

0:23:580:24:01

So, do you go for younger men or older?

0:24:040:24:06

Who says I always go for guys?

0:24:060:24:08

Really?

0:24:080:24:09

No, I do, most of the time.

0:24:090:24:12

Do you want to go out for a drink sometime?

0:24:120:24:14

We should all go out, yeah.

0:24:140:24:17

Or just you and me. Wouldn't have to be a serious thing.

0:24:170:24:21

You're so intense. You're like a Diane Arbus portrait.

0:24:210:24:25

Thanks. Yeah.

0:24:250:24:27

It could just be a casual thing, you know, while you're here.

0:24:270:24:30

Do you want to go look at the garden?

0:24:300:24:32

So should I email you in Hollywood,

0:24:340:24:36

or am I not allowed to email you either?

0:24:360:24:38

-I'm not going now.

-What?

0:24:380:24:40

I just want to concentrate on my own career for a minute.

0:24:400:24:43

What career?

0:24:430:24:44

I just want to do this play.

0:24:440:24:46

What, for a load of bored A-level kids?

0:24:460:24:49

They won't be bored. David's wife is really inspirational and...

0:24:490:24:52

David's wife teaches at a primary school, doesn't she?

0:24:520:24:54

Does she?

0:24:540:24:57

Oh, well, that's...fine. That's still a thing, isn't it?

0:24:570:24:59

Still, erm...

0:24:590:25:01

I'm not saying anything.

0:25:010:25:02

What are you eating?

0:25:040:25:06

Cheesy beans.

0:25:060:25:08

They're really lovely.

0:25:080:25:10

Oh, OK. Oh, good.

0:25:110:25:13

Do you like Subway?

0:25:210:25:24

Er, what, the sandwich shop?

0:25:240:25:26

Yeah, do you like Subway?

0:25:260:25:27

Erm, not really, only because I'm allergic to wheat

0:25:270:25:31

and I don't eat anything that's got...

0:25:310:25:33

Cos I've got a foot-long.

0:25:330:25:34

You're still just sat there!

0:25:390:25:41

Calm down.

0:25:410:25:43

I really have to go.

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, OK.

0:25:450:25:46

I'm sorry you can't...

0:25:460:25:48

No, no. Do you want to take any of these with you?

0:25:480:25:51

Where's Zazzy?

0:25:510:25:52

Alakazam!

0:25:520:25:54

HE LAUGHS

0:25:540:25:55

Oh, are you two lovebirds off, then?

0:25:550:25:57

-What are you dressed as?

-Aladdin.

0:25:570:26:00

Gosh, look at Clive.

0:26:000:26:02

Isn't that MC Hammer?

0:26:020:26:04

No.

0:26:040:26:06

Ben, we should go.

0:26:060:26:08

So, what part have you got him, then?

0:26:080:26:09

-Oh...

-What?

0:26:090:26:11

What? Did he not ask yet?

0:26:110:26:13

-Simon!

-Ask what?

0:26:130:26:15

PHONE RINGS

0:26:150:26:16

-Nothing, it was a funny joke we had...

-Come on, Si, what did we say?

0:26:160:26:19

Simon's after a part in this film.

0:26:200:26:22

-No. No.

-You can sort something out. He's a talented boy.

0:26:220:26:25

He went to Japan to interview, oh, who was it?

0:26:250:26:28

-This girl band...

-Mis-Teeq.

-Mis-Teeq.

0:26:280:26:30

Mis-Teeq.

0:26:300:26:31

What's the problem?

0:26:320:26:34

Get him a part on your bloody film!

0:26:350:26:37

It's fine.

0:26:370:26:39

Do you love him?

0:26:390:26:40

Oh, my God! We haven't discussed love.

0:26:400:26:43

Do...you...love...the Captain?

0:26:430:26:46

I... I find him really interesting.

0:26:470:26:50

-Is he just your little play thing?

-Oh, God!

-He's not a sex toy.

0:26:520:26:55

I'm sorry, I...

0:26:550:26:57

Now, you listen to me, Theodore.

0:26:570:26:59

-What are you doing? Mum!

-Si, trust me here.

0:26:590:27:01

You want him to act in your play and then you leave the country?

0:27:010:27:04

-Mum, there's a situation.

-Oh, now you want Mummy involved?

0:27:040:27:07

This family isn't just anybody,

0:27:070:27:09

they're the best bloody family you will ever meet.

0:27:090:27:11

Has he drunk something?

0:27:110:27:13

A little whisky.

0:27:130:27:14

You've got five seconds to tell me you're going to get him in your film.

0:27:140:27:17

He's...honestly not a very good actor.

0:27:170:27:22

She was such a lovely woman. I'll really miss her.

0:27:270:27:30

I know, I know, his phone's broken.

0:27:320:27:34

Yeah, of course. I'll tell him as soon as he gets back.

0:27:340:27:37

Has Aunty Kitty died?

0:27:370:27:38

You tell him and I'll kill you. ..Did she? Oh!

0:27:380:27:41

Go on, Tanya, don't let that little berk spoil our big day.

0:27:430:27:48

If I'm not mistaken, we've got a party to go to, gang.

0:27:480:27:50

Screw Ben Theodore. Screw the gravel guys.

0:27:500:27:54

What's happened with the gravel guys?

0:27:540:27:56

If they've decided to go in-house, it's their bloody funeral.

0:27:560:27:59

Right?

0:27:590:28:01

# I can show you the world... #

0:28:020:28:05

'Hang on a minute. You're smoking now!

0:28:060:28:10

'What is he going to do next?!'

0:28:110:28:13

Here you go. Have as many as you want.

0:28:140:28:16

'..A cigarette you can legally buy in shops!

0:28:180:28:21

'I'm trying to carry on, but I'm shocked and appalled!'

0:28:230:28:26

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0:28:370:28:40

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