The day Simon and his family opened the door to acceptance Grandma's House

Let's get in the party mood!

Si, get the stereo on, hey?

# Oh, oh!

# My sex is on fire... #

Oh, gosh.

I still think Jamie Afro should have won it.

Come on, Mrs Clive Freeman, where are those Zumba moves?

Oh, we've just sat down.

Aah!

He's lovely, isn't he, when he's sober?

He's got tenants, I told you, didn't I?

You didn't tell me.

You didn't tell her?

Sorry, where's Barry?

"Where's Barry?" Shut up!

It's nothing to panic about.

I'm not panicking, it's fine. Why's he got tenants?

-You know when he lost his job...?

-What?!

Look, he's got an interview next week with a company who produce gravel.

OK? He just thought it might be a good idea

to get people in, while he's waiting.

Of course. Fine. Where's he been staying?

-At me.

-And before?

At friends, everything's fine.

Tell your grandma there's nothing to worry about.

He's talking to the gravel people.

-OK?

-Really, it's fine.

-He's not going to end up living in his car again.

-What?!

He had a couple of nights...

A couple of nights. And it's a lovely car.

As long as you're happy.

What was that?

You think I've done the right thing, right?

Yes! God, it's done now. You're married.

I mean, I'm only in here because I can't bear

to be in the same room as him, but I think it was a good choice.

What did Liz want?

Oh, nothing, I'll tell you later. Is my mum happy with him?

Yeah, she loves him, loves him sober.

-Will you have a cheesy beans potato?

-Are you mad?

Why are you so fussy all the time? It's just food.

Is it though? I'm not a cheesy beans potato person.

It's frozen stodge, it's death.

Onion Bhaji Bonanza?

No?

So where was Ben today? I thought he was your boyfriend now.

He is. That's exactly what he is.

Hmm.

What's hmm? Don't hmm.

Where was he, then?

-Why don't you tell me what Liz wants?

-What's happened?

OK, don't go potty, it's your day.

I won't go potty. What's happened?

-What's wrong with you?

-What?

Everyone's asking me how I put up with it, you know,

and I say, "Oh, it's fine, let my sister get married

"on the same day as my anniversary party, what can I do?"

How many times? It took so long to get that slot,

otherwise it would have been another six weeks, is that what you wanted?

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Well, talk to him, then.

Go on.

-What?

-Ben!

Oh, he's going through a crisis.

What crisis is he going through?

He just sort of dropped out of the play this week.

-What?

-But it's your day.

It's all you've got, that stupid play. How can he do that?

He's creatively exhausted.

-Eugh!

-It's like when I left the show. I think he feels I'm the only person he can talk to about it.

Does he know you haven't had a job in a year and a half?

I'll murder the mumbling little prick.

Don't murder him, I like him. He's beautiful and fragile.

-He won the Olivier.

-What for? Blinking?

Every scene, it's like he's having a spasm.

Yeah, that's his thing. Stop it, we're in love.

-Are you?

-Yeah, we would be, if I was capable of feeling things.

Oh, shut up about feelings all the time,

just find someone who can keep his eyes open for half a sentence.

I keep trying to say I love you and I can't do it.

OK, why?

Because it just has to flow out of you naturally, doesn't it?

You can't rehearse it, you have to... You can't make it funny.

You can't say, "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I loved you?"

Yeah. So, what's going on with the play?

The cast want to carry on without him.

Yeah, go on.

-David's wife... David who plays Prospero...

-Whatever.

She's a teacher, so the idea is that we'll maybe do it for her students,

-then do a whole tour of colleges.

-You're not doing that.

-Why not?

-What for?!

Because the theatre is who I am now.

-Can you hear yourself?

-No. What?

Pretentious? A bit pretentious?

I can't talk to you anymore. This is terrible timing, you know.

-For what?

-Mum wants to know if you've told him yet.

Just tell her to piss off.

OK. Did you just say, "The theatre is who I am now"?

He knows.

What does Liz want?

It's nothing, you just...

You have to move out of the house now.

MICROWAVE DINGS

Oh, look, here's your cheesy beans potato.

Oh, thank you, Lily.

Don't make a fuss on my day.

Liz just thinks it may be for the best if you move out soon.

Oh, I think I need to go and count my shoes.

It's not just me.

Sorry, we had a talk, everyone agreed...

Is this an actual thing? When did you have a talk?

You were meant to have a play!

-I do!

-A proper play, not a school assembly!

-Bad timing.

-Shouldn't you be out sexually harassing young women?

Yeah, Caron's dumped me.

Ah, the one with the nice breasts? Oh, well.

Can we not?

How long did you think this odd little arrangement

was supposed to go on for, hmm?

It's for the best. You need a push, don't you?

Look at you. It'll help you get on with your life a bit, don't you think?

Will being homeless help? I don't...

-Honestly, mate, I'm so excited for you.

-How am I supposed...?

This will be the making of you.

Bit of tough love and you'll be back in business in no time.

Grandma was there and she agreed.

Where am I supposed to live?

You're 31!

Yeah, but I look more 26, 27.

If you're desperate, you can always move in with me and Clive.

-Oh, yeah, OK. Thanks.

-You'll be fine. You can sleep in the middle.

Hey! Not on my watch!

I'd like to be more accommodating,

but you don't want to see what goes on in there.

Maybe it's time to get a normal job.

-Thank you.

-Don't say that!

-That's where we are now.

-No, it's not.

-Where are we, then?

-I don't know!

Ben thinks I've got a rare quality, I'm engaging.

I can't... I have to do something creative. I can't...

-Can you still juggle?

-Maybe he can get something at Tesco.

What's happening?

He'll get recognised.

If he's on the fish counter, he'll have a hat.

Can't you live with Blinkybollocks?

Yeah, maybe? Possibly. Maybe.

He hasn't dumped you yet?

You'll thank me, I promise. I'm doing you a favour.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

It's like a drug addict, you can't keep supporting them, you have to...

Yeah, I get it. You're all very kind.

So thrilled for you, mate. Good work.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, Tanya said you were up here. Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. It looks like I might be moving out at some point.

Oh, really? Are you leaving me?

Yeah. No? I mean, I don't want to be a burden on you.

You haven't been a burden, never.

I could stay a bit longer, if you want.

SHE GIGGLES

No. I mustn't stop you, if you think it's for the best.

It's for the best, it's for the best, it's for the best.

I know you have to lead your own life.

I mustn't hold you back.

I've got to go and count my plates.

Hello! Still not picking up?

OK, well, it's our anniversary party tonight, remember?

Everyone's coming. Call me back when you get this.

No panic, I'm going to Costco, so don't worry about that.

OK, call me back. Bye.

Right, I need to go to Costco right now.

Oh, he's got the card. Can I borrow yours?

You can't, it's got my photo on it.

So? I also need to get home to put my banner up.

They confiscate them if you use someone else's card.

Give me the card. They won't know the difference.

It's got my photo on it!

We're sisters.

I'll say I was a bit bloated that day, they're never going to...

Oh, I'm going to give it to you now, aren't I?

Whose face is wider, Simon? Mine or Liz's?

Get a tape measure.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, he's here. Thank God.

Oh.

Hi, how are you? This is Zazzy.

Yeah, yeah, go through.

Oh, Simon, look who it is!

Oh, my God, hi!

You came! How are you?

And you brought Zazzy. Hi, Zazzy, this is fun.

This is Ben's friend Zazzy. She's very cool, she wears glasses.

-Zazzy?

-Yeah. Zazzy. It's like snazzy with a Z.

Zazzy?

Zazzy!

OK. And you've all met Ben before.

Hello, how are you all?

-What?

-Yeah, that's the one.

-This place is amazing. Your carpet is mad.

-Is it?

Look at that bar! Oh, my God, it's completely mental.

Simes, your Grandma's wallpaper is bad-arse.

Oh, thank you.

How is the famous Ben Theodore?

Simon's better half, eh?

Feel so sorry for you, having to go out with this bell-end.

No, No. You remember me? Clive Freeman.

-Oh, yes.

-Seriously, if you're ever on the lookout for gravel...

This is Zazzy.

Afternoon, Zazzy.

Great. So what are we... What are we doing?

Are we done with the eating now?

Should we be standing, should we be sitting? What's the plan?

What's going on with my son's play?

Oh, Mum... Oh, Liz! This is Zazzy.

Yeah. We met. Show me the photo.

The guy on the door is not CSI Miami.

Well, you take me, then.

All right, shall we...? Do you want to go and look at the kitchen?

The sink is deranged.

-Well?

-Mum, leave him alone for a minute.

I just want to know. Let your boyfriend speak. Well?

Erm, it just didn't feel, erm...

visceral enough, really,

it just felt like a play.

Wasn't it supposed to be a play?

-OK...

-It's like my boyfriend, Merlin - designs furniture -

and he always says, "It just looks like a chair."

You know what I mean?

I know.

OK. We're going to go and talk about things.

Do you want to stay here, or do you want to come? Stay here?

I'll totally come, yeah.

OK, cool. Carry on.

Your hat is the nuts.

So, come on!

You want me to go to Costco on my wedding day?

Why can't you just go to Sainsbury's?

I'm getting the big trays of pastries.

I'm not going anywhere till I know what's going on with this play!

I'm so glad you came. Only slightly late, that's fine.

Budge up.

I'd actually completely forgotten about the wedding.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, good. I'm really self-absorbed too.

But I wanted to talk to you in person...

-Oh, yes, go on.

-I've been offered a film.

Oh, right. Well, that's great news, isn't it?

It's not great news, it's fucking awesome news.

Right, yeah. So the play, you can still...

I definitely can't do the play now.

OK, that's cool.

Why didn't you tell me you had a film?

I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, only Zazzy knew.

Oh. Oh, OK.

Well, it's good you could talk to someone, isn't it?

I like your hair thing. Where's that from?

-I made it.

-Of course you did.

Maybe he's left you.

Is that supposed to be funny?

OK, sit. Sit.

SHE SIGHS

So, are you excited about tonight?

Stressed. It's going to be incredible though.

Got the couples' fancy dress,

got some really fun games for people, and the banner.

-What games are you doing?

-Don't do that face.

I've written a really funny quiz from the internet.

Listen to this one, it's brilliant.

Can you telephone from an aeroplane?

What, with a mobile?

-No, no. Can you telephone, but from...

-I don't know.

Go on, can you...

I don't know. No.

Oh, well, I think you must be a bit stupid then

if you can't tell a phone from an aeroplane.

SHE CACKLES

-Oh, Liz.

-Well, don't come, then!

Ugh! He'll call you back in a minute.

-His phone's broken!

-OK, so you'll divorce.

You're a divorce.

It's like a big Hollywood thing, which makes me feel quite scared.

Yeah, I bet.

And it's comedy, which is a bit out of my comfort zone,

but spending so much time with you has been really helpful, I think.

Oh, really? How come?

Well, the character doesn't really know what he's doing with his life.

He's sort of a lost, lonely soul

and a bit sort of, I suppose,

slightly buffoonish and awkward, you know?

Yeah. Good. So what about... Well, when are you going?

Well, that's why I came. I thought maybe you could come with...?

Oh, really? When? When...?

This Friday. It would be so lovely to have you there.

Oh, gosh. Would it?

OK, well...

You have to come, gorgeous.

It'll just be the three of us in LA, so random.

SHE GIGGLES

Right, but... So what about the play?

Forget the play.

Oh. Forget the play?

Ugh! It made Benjy so miserable.

Er, but wasn't it important that I explore my craft?

I thought I was engaging?

Did I say that?

Yeah, or, erm, watchable. Aren't I watchable?

Shouldn't people watch me?

Maybe.

Sorry it's all so sudden, I just have to know today

because my agent needs to book the flights.

Of course, no, yes.

I guess it would be good to be sort of new again, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it'll be so fun. Stop being so boring.

OK, all right, let's go to America, then. I'm fun. Bloody play.

If it's not visceral, it's not visceral. Shame it wasn't visceral.

Do you sleep on this, Simon?

-Yeah.

-That's so dark.

Yeah. It is quite uncomfortable.

Hard-core.

He won't miss your anniversary.

-I know he won't.

-Maybe his phone's off.

It is. It must be broken, actually.

Really, Liz, he's not interesting enough to be having an affair.

Obviously!

Right. Here's the exciting news. Ben and I are off to America.

-With Zazzy. What about that?

-What?

-America?

-Happy?

Ben's got a film, so we're going to...

go and hang out with all the cool people.

Oh, my God! You can break America!

Barry and I have done America. It's not all that.

This is it! You can have meetings. Can't he?

-Yeah. Maybe.

-I don't know...

I always knew you had it in you, you talented little swine.

We may have been down on our luck, Si,

-they may have called us losers, failures, no-hopers...

-Who?

I can see it. You'll have meetings.

This is what they do, they have meetings.

Sorry. She's obsessed with Samantha Mumba.

-She was in a film.

-She was in a film.

Oh, I haven't had this much excitement since I met Linda Robson

at an Audience With Donnie And Marie.

I told you it would be for the best, didn't I?

What did I say? You just needed a little push.

Oh, yeah, thanks for the push.

Thank me, it was my idea.

He could get an agent out there, couldn't he, and have meetings?

OK. Shush.

I don't want to be negative, but it's a really long process,

and the trip's not really about that.

It's not really about that.

-It took my agent six months to get my visa...

-It's fine, don't worry.

But you could...

And it costs like £4,000, it's so cock.

Have you even got a new agent here yet, honey?

-Oh, no, no.

-He doesn't need one, he's going to Hollywood!

-You'll sort him out, won't you?

-OK. All right.

What dream world are you living in?

It's Hollywood, Liz! He'll be like Steve Jones on X Factor.

Ah! Can I come with you?

Sorry, there's a lot of unfulfilled ambition issues here.

What are you saying about me?

Nothing, just explaining how you sort of live through me

-because your life is so awful and disappointing.

-That's not very nice.

Sorry, I thought you'd laugh.

It would've been very funny if you'd laughed.

Your silence made it seem a bit mean.

You've said this, this is your stuff. You're pushy and annoying

because your life hasn't quite worked out...

No, worse? Sorry.

Wow, that was impressive(!)

Anyway, we're going Friday. It's for the best, right?

I think I need some water. I'm going to get some water.

Do you want some? I'll bring you some.

-Oi. How old is she?

-Who? Zazzy? 24. Why?

-You need to wing me on this one.

-What are you doing? You're not...

Don't cock-block me, Simes.

What are you hoping to achieve?

I've got skills. You should try this.

Rather than talking and talking like an idiot,

you got to picture a scared little chicken, and I'm the fox.

Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.

And then bang, cook her up and stick her in a bucket.

Hey. You OK, mate?

HE LAUGHS

Bit of pre-match nerves?

Look, you've got to take a chance on love.

Don't worry, it'll all work out, big star like him.

I bet he can swing you a part in his film like that.

I don't know if...

Well, stop being an almighty pussy and ask!

Bloody hell, he clearly loves you like mad,

he'll take a gamble on you, won't he?

I suppose, yeah.

Well, otherwise, you're going to look like his bitch

and you're nobody's bitch, you know that, right?

No, no, I'm not.

Nobody fucks the Captain.

Yeah, I think my late husband used to have glasses like that.

It's funny what people wear now, innit? All the old styles.

They're so big for you, aren't they?

Are they? Not really.

No? You've got a lovely little face and such big glasses.

I am short-sighted, I do need them.

Well, if you can't see how big they are,

maybe you need bigger glasses.

Sorry. Hello. Is Ben somewhere?

He's upstairs, talking to LA!

OK, cool.

Hang on, I'm coming too.

Oh, yes, of course.

-Didn't even look at me. Did you see that?

-Oh.

Right, panic's over, not that it was a panic. He's just texted.

He's fine. He was on the way to visiting his bloody aunt.

She's got pneumonia! She does it on purpose.

Yeah, she got pneumonia to annoy you.

On my anniversary? It's always something.

Pneumonia, tell her to put a coat on.

You remember on my birthday, she decided her lung should collapse?

-You sure he's not just using her as an excuse?

-Stop it.

-Does he know about the quiz?

-Yes!

I trust my husband, OK?

I'm sorry you've never experienced that kind of relationship,

I'm very relaxed.

Of course you are.

Why wouldn't you trust your husband to get back in time from Eastbourne?

Be back by 6:30 or you'll be picking your clothes up off the driveway.

As soon as you get this, you turn that car around.

You can visit your aunt tomorrow.

And can you call me back?

There'd better be something wrong with your phone.

It's our anniversary!

We have to go soon, Benny.

We're doing a last-minute trip to Spitalfields.

They do some amazing vintage crates there.

Crates? Gosh, you're so trendy, aren't you?

They do such beautiful pieces. Do you want to come, Simes?

Oh, you can meet Tuppence.

Yeah, maybe.

Do you know what I ate the other day?

An apple.

I know. You forget how amazing apples are.

Seriously, we should all eat more apples.

Can I just have a quick chat with Ben? Is that all right?

Of course! Is that OK, Benelicious?

Yeah, yeah.

THEY GIGGLE

You're both so cute!

SHE GIGGLES

She's fun, isn't she?

He's turning the car around, so you can stop talking now, OK?

Oh, that's good.

And he's very excited about the quiz. And the banner.

Did he say that?

You still haven't told me what you two are coming as yet.

Aladdin and Jasmine. From Aladdin.

Not really a famous couple.

Yes, it is. Aladdin and Jasmine.

Aladdin is famous.

Jasmine.

# A whole new world... #

Oh, gosh.

Come on, Tan.

# Don't you dare close my eyes... #

Join in.

They're not a famous couple!

Not like Bonnie and Clyde, or Des and Mel.

Des and Mel? You want us to come as Des and Mel?

No, she's got very big hands.

Just make an effort would be nice.

We've made the effort.

Clive's Aladdin with the baggy trousers

and I've got my long blue dress.

You haven't got a proper Jasmine outfit?

You're just going to be a woman in a dress.

-I'm...

-If anything, Aladdin should come with a monkey.

You should be the monkey.

He didn't fuck his monkey!

SHE SIGHS

# In the middle of an island

# In the middle of the ocean

# You and me forever, darling

# In the paradise for two... #

So, who else is in the film?

Oh, Russell Brand, Tina Fey, Ben Whishaw, have you met him?

You'd really like him, I think.

Cool.

Sorry, I just don't know what, erm...

Can you explain what exactly we'll be doing there?

I mean, what are we...? What's the...?

You'll help me learn my lines, it'll be nice.

Just be there for me.

Grab some groceries occasionally, a bit of dry cleaning maybe.

Can you drive?

But I couldn't just live off you.

I mean, I'd want to be doing my own...

Oh, we could sort out a wage for you. Don't worry.

My last PA was on £400 a week.

It couldn't be official because of the whole visa thing.

Right. Yeah.

OK. PA-ing. Well, that's good, isn't it? That's good.

OK, cool. Oh, are we going for a...?

Oh, you got a text. What you got?

Sorry, shall I leave you to it? I'll shut the door.

What's wrong?

No, no. I've got two married daughters,

what more could you want?

Do you remember when Liz went missing in Broadstairs?

On the beach.

Gave us such a shock.

We had an ice cream and Bernie went looking for you.

We always used to say,

"If you get lost, always stand next to a bin."

So Bernie was looking round all the bins on the promenade.

I mean, people must have thought he was a tramp.

Oh, we were terrified. He walked around for three hours.

Eventually, you know where he found her?

He came back and said he found her sitting in a skip.

-SHE LAUGHS

-In a skip.

SHE LAUGHS

He was out so long, he got sunstroke.

Had diarrhoea for three days.

He was vomiting.

But he loved his girls so much, both of you.

-After that, we got the cap.

-SHE CRIES

-What have you done to her?

-What? What's happened?

You all right? Yeah?

Oh, gosh, sorry. I don't know what's happened to me today.

-I'm just so relieved.

-She's just happy about the wedding, no?

-Yeah.

-God, is no-one allowed to express a feeling in this house?

Sing something, Simon.

-What?

-Go on.

Quickly though, I really need to go to Costco's.

Come on, for your grandma. Do the Wedding of Izzy Green.

-Oh, yeah.

-Ben'd like to hear it. Where is he?

No, he wouldn't.

-Ben!

-Shh! I don't want to sing!

You sing, you want to sing. I'm not 12.

What's wrong with you?

I think he's just tired.

Go on, for your grandma.

I don't have to perform for everyone's love anymore.

All right, you don't have to be so dramatic.

I'm trying to make real emotional connections in my life,

while you just get married because it's the normal, dull thing to do.

-What's wrong with you?

-You!

The only reason I was even born

is because you have a total lack of imagination.

-Hello.

-Ben, do you want to hear Simon sing a song?

# Have I told you about the wedding of my cousin Izzy Green?

# It was the finest wedding that you have ever seen

# There was Verbinski and Levinsky

# Hannah and Levine And it lasted Sunday night till...

# Monday morning! We got the invitation

# It said dinner was at five. We... #

So, do you go for younger men or older?

Who says I always go for guys?

Really?

No, I do, most of the time.

Do you want to go out for a drink sometime?

We should all go out, yeah.

Or just you and me. Wouldn't have to be a serious thing.

You're so intense. You're like a Diane Arbus portrait.

Thanks. Yeah.

It could just be a casual thing, you know, while you're here.

Do you want to go look at the garden?

So should I email you in Hollywood,

or am I not allowed to email you either?

-I'm not going now.

-What?

I just want to concentrate on my own career for a minute.

What career?

I just want to do this play.

What, for a load of bored A-level kids?

They won't be bored. David's wife is really inspirational and...

David's wife teaches at a primary school, doesn't she?

Does she?

Oh, well, that's...fine. That's still a thing, isn't it?

Still, erm...

I'm not saying anything.

What are you eating?

Cheesy beans.

They're really lovely.

Oh, OK. Oh, good.

Do you like Subway?

Er, what, the sandwich shop?

Yeah, do you like Subway?

Erm, not really, only because I'm allergic to wheat

and I don't eat anything that's got...

Cos I've got a foot-long.

You're still just sat there!

Calm down.

I really have to go.

Oh, OK.

I'm sorry you can't...

No, no. Do you want to take any of these with you?

Where's Zazzy?

Alakazam!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, are you two lovebirds off, then?

-What are you dressed as?

-Aladdin.

Gosh, look at Clive.

Isn't that MC Hammer?

No.

Ben, we should go.

So, what part have you got him, then?

-Oh...

-What?

What? Did he not ask yet?

-Simon!

-Ask what?

PHONE RINGS

-Nothing, it was a funny joke we had...

-Come on, Si, what did we say?

Simon's after a part in this film.

-No. No.

-You can sort something out. He's a talented boy.

He went to Japan to interview, oh, who was it?

-This girl band...

-Mis-Teeq.

-Mis-Teeq.

Mis-Teeq.

What's the problem?

Get him a part on your bloody film!

It's fine.

Do you love him?

Oh, my God! We haven't discussed love.

Do...you...love...the Captain?

I... I find him really interesting.

-Is he just your little play thing?

-Oh, God!

-He's not a sex toy.

I'm sorry, I...

Now, you listen to me, Theodore.

-What are you doing? Mum!

-Si, trust me here.

You want him to act in your play and then you leave the country?

-Mum, there's a situation.

-Oh, now you want Mummy involved?

This family isn't just anybody,

they're the best bloody family you will ever meet.

Has he drunk something?

A little whisky.

You've got five seconds to tell me you're going to get him in your film.

He's...honestly not a very good actor.

She was such a lovely woman. I'll really miss her.

I know, I know, his phone's broken.

Yeah, of course. I'll tell him as soon as he gets back.

Has Aunty Kitty died?

You tell him and I'll kill you. ..Did she? Oh!

Go on, Tanya, don't let that little berk spoil our big day.

If I'm not mistaken, we've got a party to go to, gang.

Screw Ben Theodore. Screw the gravel guys.

What's happened with the gravel guys?

If they've decided to go in-house, it's their bloody funeral.

Right?

# I can show you the world... #

'Hang on a minute. You're smoking now!

'What is he going to do next?!'

Here you go. Have as many as you want.

'..A cigarette you can legally buy in shops!

'I'm trying to carry on, but I'm shocked and appalled!'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd