Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I'm gauging the temperature. I want to look glamorous so don't want to put on a cardigan!

I'm trying to work out whether I'm more likely to be cold with fear

or hot with embarrassment!

Let's do a straw poll.

Cardy on or off?

-AUDIENCE:

-Off!

-Ooh, 'ello!

Who let this crowd in?

I think if you look at me,

you'll find that the choice between cardigan and looking sexy doesn't have to be made!

Cardigan on or cardigan off?

AUDIENCE: On!

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week,

to show there are no hard feelings, David Miliband takes brother Ed for a ride in his new speedboat.

At the Commonwealth Games, organisers at the closing ceremony

are relieved that nothing truly disastrous happened.

Too soon?

And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the kick-bot,

admit it was a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance.

Using techniques I learned filming Sherlock Holmes, I can deduce that the woman on Ian's team

is a columnist, presenter and poker player.

How, you may ask? Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher!

It's Victoria Coren!

APPLAUSE

Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show."

It's Jon Richardson.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Jon, take a look at this.

Yes, this is the ongoing story of the happy news of the miners being released.

Viewers are getting fed up of the coverage as it's all rather similar.

So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game

where they hold up a number, and if you've got the number at home...

Oh, what was that?

Somebody winning the lottery!

-People are gradually coming out of the mine, one by one.

-Yes.

The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners.

To everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News who were probably hoping for at least two deaths!

The numbers are fascinating, though.

If you look at it, there are 33 miners

and they were released on 13/10/2010.

-If you take off the 2000 and just add the ten...

-Yes.

-It adds up to 33.

-Yeah.

-So...

-So...

-LAUGHTER

So if you're thinking of playing Chilean miner bingo, put it on number three!

"Here comes number 15. First time this week."

Do you know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner?

They got in the thing, they took 'em out, and they got out the thing.

Pretty much!

But also embraced their relatives, then embraced the president,

then go, "Gracias, Chile!"

to the crowd.

And then they got the next one up.

You don't get long in the limelight!

Their relatives went the day the thing collapsed

and some were there the whole time.

That's why they've called it Camp Hope.

Which sounds like a rubbish name until you think the alternative was "Mine Camp"!

LAUGHTER

It's not just the relatives. The mistresses was the big story a few weeks ago.

-Which might come up.

-Women were turning up who weren't the wives.

That's why the miners came out in sunglasses!

One of the papers ran with...

Ironically, his wife would have got to call his mistress a gold digger!

I was quite impressed because I thought, you know,

I don't know what they pay miners out there - 3 a month?

And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress!

Mind you, they've not spent much in the last three months themselves!

-Kept their pennies for Christmas!

-They get more attractive the longer they're down there.

One guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no.

Then she proposed to him while he was trapped. She was saying, "I fancy you when you're buried!

"I really love you when you're dead."

They kept going on about Christmas. It was a promise, they'd be out by Christmas.

These people have been trapped in a confined space, looking at the same faces, day after day.

Bickering and fighting and trying not to kill each other.

And now they're going to have a family Christmas!

Who's coming out of this well?

-Everyone!

-That's true, correct. But...

It's not a well, it's a shaft!

-Thanks very much!

-Ian's off to a flying start.

-The foreman is very heroic, isn't he?

-He sorted them into groups

-and they played dominoes and kept fit.

-Yeah, they kept fit.

I heard they carried on mining as well!

If this studio goes down, and someone said, "Carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort it."

No!

Do we know what's happening to the mine shaft, talking about money?

It's being turned into a theme park. It's a fantastic ride!

-One way!

-It's quite slow!

The queues are horrendous!

It's likely to stay a mine as the drilling company have found massive reserves

of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling.

I'm even more distrusting they've found more gold and everyone's going "Chile's brilliant."

I smell a rat.

-Do you?

-And the Chilean president used to own a TV company.

I'm just saying, if this was an episode of Scooby-Doo.

He'd bring his mask off and Murdoch's underneath going, "Ha, ha! And you watched it for hours!"

I know what you mean. The idea that the company that's responsible for the collapse

has found more gold as a result of the collapse and is taking the credit for the rescue!

"We got these guys out of the ground where we put them."

-Slightly dodgy.

-What is Ariel Dacona?

-Is he a father?

-He is indeed a father. His wife gave birth via VT link to the mineshaft.

Was the baby conceived in the same way?

I dread to think!

Ariel tuned in just in time to see the president leaning into shot to kiss his daughter.

-The Mail...

-Yeah.

-Daily Mail.

-The voice of sanity!

-The voice of sanity, yes.

-They've criticised...

-"Foreigners down hole!"

That's the correct answer. Ten points.

The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there.

-Do you know how big it was?

-Um...

-They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC!

"End of the world." BBC tried to cover it.

I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there.

-Probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12?

-25?

-25.

-That's spot on.

The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story,

but there was a hint they were running out of things to say.

REPORTER: 'So far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard.'

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

This is the amazing rescue of "Los 33-os", the 33 Chilean miners.

One miner who may not want to return to the surface is Yonni Barrios

whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress.

Well, at least for the last 70 days, she knows where he's been!

According to The Times...

To imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line!

Ian and Victoria, here are yours.

Finishing touches. Spot the balls.

Ooh. Reservoir Postman!

Another marriage!

"Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good!"

-Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader?

-Let's start on the new Labour leader, yeah.

Let's have a look at some of the exciting faces who are in the new Labour cabinet.

I'm worried. In my pre-recording anxiety dream,

somebody asked me, "Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Teresa May?"

-I woke up screaming. It's going to happen now, isn't it?

-It is happening.

Victoria, who's this?

LAUGHTER

It's neither of the two you feared it might be!

-I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy, is his name.

-A pretty good clue!

-It is!

-I could almost make a guess after that clue!

-Anybody know who this is?

-Is that Mary Creagh?

-Hooray!

How do you know her?

-I read the papers!

-Oh, yeah!

It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up!

They're all the same! Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, identical!

-Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy".

-Can you imagine that, Ian?

Some of them. Not Ed, obviously. He went to a comprehensive!

At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher, you knew the difference.

-You can show us 18 pictures of these ministers and shadow ministers...

-Only one more. Who's this?

Phil Miliband!

LAUGHTER

He's the even older brother. He was really cross when they both stood against him!

No, this is Ivan Lewis. Here is a familiar face.

-Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin?

-No, no.

-This is Gilliane Duffy...

-You've made her sort of French - "Gilliane Duffy".

-I think she's called Gillian Duffy!

-Yes, she'd be very angry about anything other anglicising her name.

So Gillian Duffy.

The woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted.

She was at the Labour conference and took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn.

I've two grandchildren and I'm concerned at their future.

'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, he's asleep!

It's the honest response to the public's opinions.

Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different. Leaders of opposing parties.

They're more identical by the day. Clegg says it's the right government for the right time.

It's a seedy way to dignify opportunism.

He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it had helped!

I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto is pretty good.

I disagree. The Klingons have shown they're bent on world domination so I'm glad the Lib Dems are with them.

The Klingons get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements! If they're going to blow up a planet,

they say, "Get the Lib Dems to announce it!"

The Lib Dem party is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek who you've never seen before.

He's the first one to get killed. That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario!

New shadow cabinet, Alan Johnson, was made shadow chancellor.

What did he say his first act was going to be?

-His first act was going to be to read up an economics primer!

-Yes.

-I haven't made that up.

-You paraphrased it slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said.

Good luck, mate!

-Meanwhile...

-There are two schools of thought on that.

It's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state

given to a man who has no maths O-level and doesn't understand figures.

But then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who was an economist,

and was meant to be good with figures

and we're where we are now.

So take your pick. I'll go for the postman!

The economy will recover. Probably not today, maybe lunchtime tomorrow.

At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new community secretary was there.

What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week?

Get his own postal code?

LAUGHTER

Go, "Bloody onion rings!"

It was Ladbrokes offering odds on him being spotted

in a curry house in Birmingham...

..during the week at the conference.

What happened? He spotted himself in a curry house

and posted the picture on Twitter.

LAUGHTER

Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says, "Can I have some poppadoms?

"And you haven't got any pickles, have you?"

Anybody know the name of the curry house in question?

Edwina's Curries?

There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste of Lewisham.

And I'll say no more!

But I've never been tempted to pop in!

There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington

which has combined the two words of chicken and pizza and put them together.

And the place is called Chick-Pizz!

P-I-Z-Z. Chick-Pizz. There's never anybody in there!

Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think, "Chick-Pizz?"

But I'm sure it's lovely, in case the lawyer's watching. If he's not watching, I'm sure it's awful!

-Anyone want to know the answer?

-Yes, we do.

It should have been Poppadom Preach!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's Jim Sweeney's joke. How are you, Jim?

According to the Daily Mail, Eric Pickles did something in William Hague's hotel room.

Around 25 years ago. Anyone remember or know what that was?

-He didn't share a hotel room with him?

-He did share a room.

They would look like Planes, Trains and Automobiles together.

Just imagine Hague shouting at him in the morning.

"If you're going to..." That's a dreadful impression and I immediately retract this entire bit.

-Just swear, then they can't use it.

-Balls, fannies.

Sorry, that's the Home and Foreign Office!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was a trap. It's past 9.15. They can use it!

For a prank - in inverted commas - oh, those witty Tories!

He removed all the furniture from Hague's room, including the bed.

So when Hague got back later, he had to sleep on the floor.

How could you remove all the furniture?

-What did he do with it?

-I think he's using "removed" in the archaic sense of "ate".

Boris Johnson was at the conference, too.

Let's see the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions.

First by throwing in baffling classical terms and then hijacking the camera.

You chose this day of all days on which so many families are going to be losing their child benefit

to say let's not be beastly to bankers!

I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi...

It says up there...

For the third time in this interview...

You are paid a very considerable sum by the BBC,

the quantity of which we have yet to discover...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

APPLAUSE

Some ministers rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's.

Here's children's minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut.

I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced.

It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's there.

-End of.

-It doesn't need a review or looking at?

-End of.

-You said you'd see what comes along...

-End of.

End of.

-Are you going to try and...

-End of.

Your career? End of!

Sorry, when I introduced him as children's minister, it should have been childish minister

being asked about benefit cuts.

It's horrible when they talk. The worst part was Cameron talking about the football.

He went, "It was dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads."

Eughh!

It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and he leans in and goes, "So, do you like bums or titties?"

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Why did David Cameron single out this girl?

There's something missing in that photograph!

-It's her teeth.

-It is.

-Is she the girl

who gave the money that she'd got from the tooth fairy, she sent it in?

She did. She offered a pound that she got from the tooth fairy.

You'd want more than a pound for a gap like that!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Maybe it's taxable. "One for the government and another five for me!"

But she did it...

-Quite sweet, isn't it?

-Bet that's made you feel guilty now, Mr Jon!

You'll find what she actually said was "Pay for jobth."

A sweet little girl of six still believes in a Conservative government!

-There have been two big policy rows recently.

-Child benefit.

And how to pay for higher education.

In one case, you're not going to get it

above a certain level.

And in the other case, your children will have to pay.

So they're both solved. End of!

-They've saved a billion pounds.

-And they're spending 13 billion

on a fortnight of sport in 2012!

Yeah. Good point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean students incurring twice the debt they currently do.

Not funny, but topical.

-Nick Clegg's in a pickle...

-It is quite funny.

-In what sense?

The Lib Dems said before the election "Absolutely we will not raise tuition fees.

"We pledge we will not raise tuition fees."

And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians,

they've abandoned that pledge

and increased tuition fees.

The man that they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates.

He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree. He keeps getting given them.

The man they got to investigate public finance waste, Philip Green,

avoided £285 million-worth of tax by putting his assets in his wife's name.

They might as well get Karen Matthews to investigate how families

could further reach their budget in hard times.

How can you trust a man whose tax bill is 285 million

and goes, "It's ridiculous I'd pay that."

You pay that cos you earned 1.2 billion, you fat, greedy shit!

APPLAUSE

It's all change in British politics. Miliband has appointed a new front-bench team.

According to the Telegraph:

..with the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early!

They promised I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns regarding my doing Sherlock Holmes,

so, without any further ado, let's move on to Round Two, "the Round of the Baskervilles".

LAUGHTER

Buzz when you know what the story is.

HOUND HOWLS

Is this toilets?

Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo!

We can't exactly do a round on the Terence Rattigan you've just done at The National!

Ooh, thank you, Ian. No, we can't.

-It was very good.

-You're very kind. Thank you.

-It's over.

-It's over.

-Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games?

-Yes, it is.

I was nearly interested in it, this time. There was loads of scandal and the rooms fell down,

there were dogs on the pitch.

-Did you stop watching once the sport began?

-Yeah.

Originally in the village, they were worried because one of the inspectors

said there was excrement where it shouldn't be.

Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks.

Then the toilet theme continued in that a number of swimmers were ill.

They had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet.

The 100-yard dash became the 150-yard dash.

What I liked was the organiser of the Commonwealth Games, his speech for the opening ceremony

thanked Princess Diana for going.

We know one thing about him, he doesn't read the Daily Express!

The Commonwealth Games, aimed to encourage the spread of democracy,

human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners!

They weren't just incompetent, though.

They weren't so sweet when you saw the attempts to build the stadium on time,

which involved very small children.

They got some children to help.

It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build Guide Dogs for the Blind.

At least they don't rip their teeth out for cash!

Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping?

Yes. Problems scoring and timekeeping.

One boxer was ruled out because he turned up 24 hours too late.

And somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible.

This is extraordinary. No-one could tell 400-metre runner Tom Druce if he'd qualified for the semi-finals.

According to the Mirror...

He did qualify, though, didn't he?

That would be worse. To phone your mum and say, "Did I qualify?" "No."

According to the Sun...

After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory saying,

"I should never have drunk that tap water."

To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary school children,

which sadly they couldn't use because most couldn't get the time off work!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is the North Korean or South Korean - I can never remember - North Korean, North Korean dictator.

Well, I'm not a diplomat. I don't have to visit them.

This is Kim Joo Ling, whatever his name is, and that's his son

who he's had sewn onto his lapel.

LAUGHTER

They sat in the Korean town square and watched these idiots parading up and down

with their boots, identical marching and stuff.

-A ludicrous display of conformity.

-Yes.

That's what it's about. Let's get the North Korean names straight.

-Who's this? That's Kim Il-sung.

-That's the father.

-Previous dictator.

-Right.

-That's Kim Jong-il.

-Yeah.

Looking a little bit... A little bit lonely.

LAUGHTER

And now for his son,

-Kim Jong-un.

-He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

So who's this, then?

It's not Danny Dyer.

-Is that the other son?

-It is the other son. Kim Jong-nam.

He's not got the job as next dictator.

-They gave it to the younger son because the father didn't like him.

-Do you know why?

Was it the hat?

Did he dislike him because he's got a small lampshade tied to his finger?

A lot of fathers, that'll put them right off you.

"Hello, Daddy."

No. In 2001 he was caught trying to sneak into Japan on a false passport. Do you know why?

To get out of North Korea.

-To do what?

-Did he want to buy evil Western clothes?

-To visit McDonald's?

-Very close.

-JON:

-Burger King?

-No, it's not to do with any of a multitude of choice restaurants...

-Chicken-Pizz.

Yeah, Chick-Pizz.

Chicken-Pizz sounds horrible!

He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo.

-Aw!

-And there's another older brother, too.

-Kim Jong-chul. Why's he not going to take over?

-Is he dead?

No, he's said to be...

Do we have a picture so we may judge this man?

Sadly not. But imagine the one with the lampshade in a dress, that might do it.

Oh, sorry!

I was right over the border, then!

In more ways than one!

Kim Jong-un has got the North Korean nod.

-Here he is strutting his stuff.

-Go on.

There he is.

He's getting a lick on.

Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit?

No-one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader.

"I'm feeling a bit peaky."

He made him a four-star general one day and said next day, "He's going to take over."

-How long has he been a public figure?

-This week.

-Almost. Two weeks.

-Two weeks. He's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you?

So ITV had a man in the field there.

The intrepid reporter attempted to assess the popularity of the Kims. Here's how he did it.

'There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators.

'But I did get a chance to carry out an extremely unscientific measure

'of the young general's popularity.'

Let's see how popular the new leader will be.

Kim Jong-sung.

MILD APPLAUSE

Kim Jong-il. WEAK APPLAUSE

Kim Jong-un.

SLIGHTLY STRONGER APPLAUSE

Much more popular.

At least they applauded, though.

Imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron."

"Nick Clegg."

ONE PERSON APPLAUDS

That actually is Nick Clegg!

There are other military-orientated countries also fond of parading.

The Russians. What did we find out this week about some of their equipment?

-It's made of cardboard.

-Yeah.

-No, that's not right.

It fires cuddles.

We don't know what the opposite of being metal is.

It's inflatable. They've been stockpiling inflatable planes and tanks as decoys.

Here's a model of a T-80 tank being inflated.

God, we've got the most special footage in the world in this week's show(!)

One bloke walking across a car park and a tank slowly inflating.

Is there any chance - I know that heaven isn't here on earth -

but can we see that man crossing the car park once more?

There's something so funny about it, it'll occur to us one day what it is!

Put the Benny Hill music on it!

We can do that bit ourselves, when it comes on.

And go!

PAUL MIMICS BENNY HILL THEME

Where's the nurse? Where's the nurse in suspenders?

This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-un as the successor to Kim Jong-il.

Chief of the North Korean army, Ri Jong-ho, had a message for the nation:

Adding lol, smiley face, x x x.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

HOUND HOWLS

-VICTORIA:

-Is it the new Queen Elizabeth?

Yes, the new cruise ship, the Queen Elizabeth,

christened by the Queen.

The guest list read like a list of people you didn't realise were still alive. Sir Jimmy Savile,

Vera Duckworth from Coronation Street, and Alan Whicker.

All very glamorous. Who do you normally have in your front room?

Me.

LAUGHTER

-True, yeah.

-What did Sir Jimmy Savile have to say of the liner

which had just arrived from Italy where it was built?

JON IMITATES JIMMY SAVILE

Yes, which translated as...

It's not all been good news for the Queen.

-How did she end up beneath Lady Gaga this week?

-Most influential women in the world.

-Made up by somebody.

-Yes, she came 42nd.

Lady Gaga was number seven.

-And the reason why she's more powerful?

-She's good for the butcher's business?

She reinvigorated pop music. And Michelle Obama, why was she top?

She reinvigorated...

It literally said something like "She shares pillow talk with the President."

-Eugh!

-It was because of who she was married to, and because she has good arms!

Do lists like this marginalise women? Paul, Ian, Jon? What do you think?

Time now for the odd one out round.

Just one between you this week.

A Hampshire police E-fit.

Bruce Willis. Natasha Gregory's cat

and the staff of the Olilia holiday resort in the Maldives.

-Blondes.

-Don't get too excited!

A Lithuanian travel agency is launching a blonde-only resort.

-That is true.

-And the cat has been dyed by its owner.

And this man in the E-fit had dyed hair.

-Has Bruce Willis dyed his hair?

-He was in "Dye Hard"!

It's a gritty film about a hair salon!

"She can't take no more peroxide!"

-I think Jon's got it.

-Yes, they've all been criticised for their hair colours

apart from Bruce Willis, who doesn't have any hair.

Although he did recently wear a rather fetching meat hairpiece.

Like to see Bruce wearing his meat hat?

-No, thank you.

-Good. Unfortunately, we're not allowed to.

A Lithuanian travel agency has been criticised

for plans to open a holiday resort staffed entirely by blonde women.

According to one newspaper, the resort is going to have...

I might go!

Could be interesting!

I think I'll give it a miss.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Do you remember those stories about how much male pilots go out boozing the night before a flight?

Nice, young blonde lady pilot. That's what you need.

For flying the plane!

The Hampshire police E-fit.

They issued an E-fit picture trying to trace a burglar

who stole £60 from a woman in Stockbridge.

Here is the full picture.

-They did call him the lettuce man, didn't they? Or lettuce-head.

-Lettuce-head.

Apparently when they asked him why he sprayed his hair like lettuce,

he just said, "Cos"!

LAUGHTER

So I'll probably go.

And there was no word on how he was dressed!

I'll come with you!

We also had Natasha Gregory's cat.

She only gave an interview to the Sun explaining her actions in dying it pink. Anyone know?

"I need medical help."

-How do you dye a cat pink, anyway?

-Get a candy floss machine and stick your cat on a stick.

-Yeah.

-That would do it.

-She said...

So she failed!

-The RSPC returned the cat.

-The RSPC?

The Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty!

-The RSPCA returned the cat...

-Oh, has it expanded?

They've merged with the AA!

-The RSPCA returned the cat...

-I'm Felix and I have a problem!

-What did they say about the cat's condition?

-He's in the pink!

-Sorry!

-They say it...

Which is so important to cats.

The RSPCA have washed the cat and it's now been returned to its normal colour.

All except for a stubborn pink spot right underneath the tail.

Which may need a wire brush.

The missing words round this week features as its guest publication

The Pipe Club of Norfolk newsletter.

I'd hate you to think that The Pipe Club of Norfolk is nothing more than a bunch of rustic yokels

puffing away on silly pipes.

It is.

We start with...

-VICTORIA:

-I do anything for love, but I don't do that.

LAUGHTER

I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one"

but I don't like it.

I do reign, but I don't rule.

Constitutional joke.

Glad you're with me there(!)

The answer is...

She just has!

Actually, she did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen

if she ever got bored. The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on."

She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup!

Next.

-VICTORIA:

-Treble 18, single 11, double top.

-JON:

-..ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts in a smoky room.

They have to smoke outside, apparently!

They don't throw the darts through the window, do they?

..ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric but quite pleasant people.

..ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board.

A proper headline!

Complimentary sandwiches would be welcome. "Hello, how did you do?

"Did you win? I'm made of cheese."

The darts tournament was won by Len who celebrated the only way pipe-smokers know how.

With a damn good shag!

Next...

-JON:

-Pavarotti's autopsy reveals...

LAUGHTER

The third day of Christmas my true love gave to me.

# Three musical dwarves. #

-#

-One was four foot two, one was three

-#

-And the other one was...

-#

The answer is...

-JON:

-Huge mirror in the sky.

-VICTORIA:

-Disastrous drop in pipe sales?

-It is something to do with pipes.

-Plastic pipes? Cardboard pipes?

-It's similar.

-Cardboard pipes?!

They're cheap and they're dangerous!

It's a design flaw like having fireworks that fit in your trousers!

I got that.

Next...

The wife.

Is this a footballer? Is it "Hookers is bad for..."

The answer is...

This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed.

So the final scores are Ian and Victoria, five.

Paul and Jon, six.

APPLAUSE

Boo!

I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic

another delivery is handed over by the star donor.

In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster,

the rescue operation is not quite so high-tech.

And in London, a "clear-the-air" meeting begins to falter

as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Do we have to do that whole bit or just what I said about Philip Green?

-I said that, though, didn't I?

-Not in a good legal way.

-Does that mean that's going to air that bit?

-Yes.

-Where I called him a fat, greedy shit?

Uh-oh!

I can't get banned from Top Man! Where will I get my cardigans?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE