Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 2

Extended version of the classic news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Frank Skinner, and guest panellists Reginald D Hunter and Janet Street-Porter.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm really sorry about my cleavage.

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I don't normally have any, I don't know what's happened.

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I'm quite flat-chested... Oh, God.

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Janet Street-Porter. Let's not act like we don't know what we did.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Frank Skinner. In the news this week -

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after finishing the first gig of their comeback tour,

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there's a worrying sight backstage for the Cheeky Girls.

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In a deprived area of Detroit, a baby receives the news

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that his biological father is multi-millionaire Tiger Woods.

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And at home in Hull, a nostalgic John Prescott gets out the scrapbook

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and relives some happy memories.

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On Ian Hislop's team is someone who was recently seen on television walking all over England.

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No, it's not the German football team, it's Janet Street-Porter.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is an American comedian who says

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he likes working in the UK because it's much harder to offend the audience.

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What, these ugly bastards?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, you're right. Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

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-It's Osborne's hammer.

-Yep.

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And Danny Alexander in slow motion.

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Deliberately giving us a leak.

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Yeah, telling us half a million to be unemployed.

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-Good news.

-There were so many leaks about...

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Look, there's the entire Air Force.

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Has it got an aircraft carrier to land on?

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No, it's going to dive bomb it. "Hello, sir.

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"Would you like to walk the plank?"

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Oh, God, is that the Army?

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It's a minister looking a bit of a prat.

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It's Dr Fox and they haven't given him a parachute.

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I'm really confused about the Comprehensive Spending Review,

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because now I've got to be older to be a pensioner.

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I am a pensioner already,

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but now pensions are going to go up and up, so you've got to be 66.

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Yeah, we're not going to pay you a pension now. Look at you!

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-There's years of life in you yet.

-Yeah, there is, actually.

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I listened to George Osborne today going on and on and on

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about all the things that pensioners have still got.

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We've still got our bus passes, we've still got our eye tests,

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we've still got our free prescriptions.

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You've still got your teeth.

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APPLAUSE

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Ian, I've still got 90% of my IQ, because I read in the Daily Mail

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or something last week that if you walk nine miles a week,

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Alzheimer's is still on the horizon.

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Yeah, but if you read the Daily Mail, your IQ plummets.

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Anyway, the rich are going to be absolutely cash-strapped by this.

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So if you've got any sympathy left,

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it's for David and George,

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because we're all in it together.

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Except them.

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-It is pretty savage.

-Hm.

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And we haven't got any armed forces any more.

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Unbelievable feats of logic. We're building two aircraft carriers that everyone agrees we don't need.

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-They can't have aircraft on them - they haven't got any.

-Helicopters can land on them.

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But not now because they haven't been built yet.

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We're scrapping the aircraft carrier we have, and the only reason we're building the aircraft carriers

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is because the contract has been signed already.

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We've spent billions of pounds on these ships that nobody wants,

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so we've got to build them anyway.

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Don't be picky.

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It's a bloody big thing to build with nothing to go on it, isn't it?

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Can't they use it for housing now they're cancelling all the social housing?

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-What, social housing floating about the Gulf?

-Or a prison.

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If you don't pay your rent, they shoot you out of a torpedo tube.

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Zoom!

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-Did you say a prison?

-Yeah.

-That would be a great idea, a floating prison.

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-I thought we had had floating prisons.

-Yeah, we had.

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We had great big hulks in the Thames.

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Full of ASBOs.

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People tried to tunnel their way out, didn't they? It was terrible. Terrible business.

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It's been rather sad for the Prince of Wales.

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He's finally got a boat named after him and they're going to scrap it.

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-REG: Is it naive to believe...

-Yeah.

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Almost always.

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-Can I...?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Mr Been-On-Here-Since-1990.

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Seems longer.

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Is it possible to believe that part of the reason they're going ahead to build these boats is to go,

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"Hey, look, people, here's these jobs we got!

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"We got all these jobs!" And when the boat's built, and the new administration is in,

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then all of a sudden we've lost all these jobs

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and it's these old people's fault.

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And the fact that these ships are being built in Scotland

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in constituencies quite near Gordon Brown's is a coincidence.

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Hey, man, it's a comedy show!

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Yeah, the last Government certainly was.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You also have to think too, if you're the leader of the British Government,

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you're going around with other leaders around the world

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and they've got new aircraft carriers.

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How does it look if you're out there and you've got this old aircraft carrier?

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I mean, they won't say nothing,

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but you know they're thinking it, you know?

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APPLAUSE

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Other countries will be able to use these.

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-The French are going to use them.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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That'll be handy for landing in England.

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It could be just like a bridge, they could just walk across.

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They're going to be adapted to their...

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-What, bigger kitchens and swanky chefs?

-Yeah.

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Less showers. Yeah.

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-Fewer showers. Honestly!

-Oh, sorry, fewer showers.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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If there's one thing I hate, it's ungrammatical racism.

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Helicopters can land on water anyway.

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-They just have those floats on the bottom?

-I've seen those.

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That's much cheaper than building two aircraft carriers, surely.

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You think we should just have a load of bigger rubber dinghies

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for them to... That'd be cheap, wouldn't it?

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If you just put those floaty bits on the bottoms of helicopters...

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Or you know when you're on an aeroplane, the rubber slides that come down?

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No! The floaty bits!

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If British Airways is grounded, they're going to have a lot of those rubber bits they're not using.

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They could send them off to the Indian Ocean,

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the Mediterranean, and our helicopters can land on them.

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LAUGHTER

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No, they're like floaty bits!

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On the bottom of a helicopter! You can land on the water in them.

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JANET: Oh.

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Have you never seen those on TV?

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No. Last time I went on a helicopter was... I'd better not say.

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The point of landing on a ship is you get refuelled.

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What was it about the last helicopter trip that you said you'd better not say?

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-It sounded quite interesting.

-All right. I went horseracing and my hat was too big to get in the helicopter.

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-How did the horse get on?

-I had a row with a mouthy pilot who said,

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"You're a safety hazard with that hat on."

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I went, "All right. I'm not taking it off.

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"I'll sit with my head sideways."

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I nearly got an neck injury.

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All the way from Battersea to Ascot like that.

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Well, we're all in it together now, Janet.

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I think you've lost a bit of pension-based sympathy with that story.

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"My helicopter trip to Ascot".

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-That was ten years ago.

-Did you use your Freedom Pass on it?

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-I wasn't a pensioner ten years ago, Frank.

-I never thought that.

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-I can't believe...

-I'm not that old.

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It's hard to believe you're a pensioner now.

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Yeah, unlike Cliff Richard, I haven't got a crepe-y neck either.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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No, don't tell me there are some Cliff fans in the audience!

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They're like the plague - they're everywhere you go.

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It was all very well you attacking the Government over spending cuts,

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but not Cliff Richard.

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To be fair, I think she's attacking the fans, who she has described as "like the plague".

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Which major international figure offered support for the Government's efforts to cut the deficit?

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-Oh, was it Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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That's because he was visiting London anyway.

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It was just another way of getting in the headlines.

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Yeah, because...

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Wait! Are you trying to say... he didn't mean it?

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LAUGHTER

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I made a documentary film with Arnie when he was just a body-builder

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and I am the woman who took Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gordon's Gym,

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and I had to sit there and feed him 25 doughnuts

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out of two big carrier bags.

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So if anyone know Arnold Schwarzenegger's mentality, it's me.

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Now, interesting as that is...

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This is the kind of chat we supposed to be having in a bar.

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I've got a picture of me sitting, when I was several stone lighter,

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on Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm.

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What the hell are you talking about?

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-It's just that I know Arnold...

-She was sitting on his arm.

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I was sitting on his arm, he's doing that bicep-y thing. And I'm poised...

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I thought you meant it was a ventriloquist act.

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Do you know what Cameron's joke was on the steps of Downing Street

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-about Arnie's visit?

-Did he say, "I'll be back"?

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Incredibly, he didn't. You would have put money on it, wouldn't you?

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-What did he say?

-He said...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Come on.

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According to the Telegraph, Arnold said...

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I mean, he said that like, "You don't want to be an economic girly-man".

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Like everybody knows that you don't want to do that.

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Like when he said that to Cameron, Cameron went, "Oh, shit! Do I look like that?"

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So the intelligence services are getting £1 billion more. Why?

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-To combat cyber-terrorism.

-Yes, cyber-terrorism.

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That's just another euphemism for spying on us morning, noon and night,

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because now they're going to track every time we log on to websites and every time we Google.

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-Are they?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Oh, dear!

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They're calling it cyber-terrorism.

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We thought we managed to get ID cards binned.

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They're back another way.

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They came back bigger, badder, meaner, stronger.

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I'm with you on this, Street-Porter.

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You're like a hero to me. Street-Porter!

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Don't get carried away.

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Yes, ma'am.

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Would you like the rest of us just to subtly leave? Let the two of you just, you know...

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So this week BBC News decided to take to the streets

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to ask people where they thought the axe should fall.

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So let's have a look at the Great British public in action.

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We set up shop to find out what kind of savings people might be prepared to make.

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-Could you do with a fortnightly bin collection?

-No.

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Could you do with fewer street lights at night?

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-No.

-Could you do with fewer libraries?

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No.

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-Quangos are being slashed.

-What's a quango?

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It's a cross between a tango and a croissant.

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Sounds all right.

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-I remember Johnny Kwango, the wrestler. Do you remember him?

-Oh, yeah, he was very good, wasn't he?

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Yeah, he was in an automobile accident and couldn't get an erection after.

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Luckily it's not one of the holds in professional wrestling, so...

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-Not a legal hold anyway.

-No, no.

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-He ended up with a half-nelson.

-Really?

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Well, there's one quango that did go which I, personally,

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will miss quite a lot. That is the...

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I don't think a quango is what you think it is.

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No.

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How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

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Strikes, riots on the streets.

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Anger. "Angeur. Angeur."

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They say the word anger very much like that. "Angeur".

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They can't speak English like we do. I don't know why that is.

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You're quite right, though, they have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

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-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French.

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No, you can say what you like.

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There was a group of schoolchildren on the streets campaigning against an increased pension age.

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I mean, that's forward-looking for you.

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The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome.

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The Pope didn't want to meet her, because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid

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to prop up his popularity ratings, flew off to Rome to meet the Pope

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and she wasn't allowed to come along.

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Is she not a Catholic?

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She's a Catholic, but I think her past got in the way.

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She used to be a ho.

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I don't think that remark will be going out.

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I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts, necessarily.

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APPLAUSE

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And in the middle of their financial crisis, what's German Chancellor Angela Merkel been saying?

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"Multiculturalism doesn't work," is what she says.

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-But, you know, Germany kind of felt like that back in the '30s and '40s, didn't it?

-Yeah.

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-That's not like a new thing for Germany?

-No.

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We can't even get all mad with them. "Yeah, we kind of knew y'all felt like that."

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Just to put the icing on the cake, when she said it, she said it to...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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-Oh-ho-ho!

-That sounds like somebody was having a bad day and they had to talk to some kids

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and they might have said some things that they didn't have to say.

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A bad HERR day. Huh!

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AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

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-Now see...

-That's terrible!

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See?

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That was sexist.

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PAUL LAUGHS

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I mean, it wasn't hateful but it was sexist, though.

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I mean... Cos I had said she had a bad day

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and then you made it to be a bad hair day...

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-Yeah, I...

-Oh, no!

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-You were making fun out of her actual hair.

-No, no.

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"Herr" as in German for "Mr", you know.

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-Herr...

-Oh!

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-Like... Oh... Like... Oh, damn.

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK.

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I wasn't being sexist - I was dealing in racist stereotypes about the Germans, so...

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I apologise.

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I'm sexist and I was projecting onto you.

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Yes, this is the long-awaited Government Spending Review.

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After announcing the defence cuts, David Cameron rang the White House and made it clear that...

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To which the receptionist replied, "Thanks for the message.

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"And how are you spelling Cameron?"

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The Government has postponed the scrapping of our secret

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nuclear submarine, Trident, as no-one knows where it is.

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-Reg and Paul, here's yours.

-Ah, finally.

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This is Mr Wayne Rooney, currently in trouble with his club, Manchester United.

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There's Alex Ferguson there.

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-That's the World Cup.

-That was the World Cup?

-Yeah.

-OK.

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And... I'm not sure what that's meant to symbolise.

0:16:360:16:40

Yes, there's two stories going on here, I think.

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That's Wayne Rooney now to avoid press attention.

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They've spotted him on a holiday in New Zealand.

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Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United.

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Have you been following this at all? Do you follow football?

0:16:520:16:55

I think Wayne Rooney's wife wants to leave Manchester.

0:16:550:16:57

-That's what I think.

-Yeah.

-I just think that, you know, when she walks around,

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she'll get people she don't even know coming up to her, giving her advice about her life.

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I think she probably thinks, "They won't talk to me like this in Spain."

0:17:060:17:09

Well, there is the trouble if he gets... You know, Spain...

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He's not really very good at English particularly,

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so Spanish will be a bit of a problem.

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He doesn't know the Spanish for, "Is it extra if you keep your teeth in?" So we don't know.

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We just don't know.

0:17:250:17:27

American Fox Sports Network was one of the first to report that Rooney would be leaving his current club.

0:17:270:17:33

It said... The headline:

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I'm not sure they quite got the significance of the colloquialism.

0:17:420:17:46

-I have to admit, it don't sound like a real swearword to us.

-No?

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And even when y'all do swear, y'all make swear words sound more classy.

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Like "ass". We say "ass" and y'all say "arse".

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It sounds like you're asking someone across the table to pass over some special sauce.

0:18:040:18:09

"Can I have a piece of that arse?"

0:18:090:18:11

What are the possible reasons for the big fall-out between Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney?

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I thought he asked for a lot more money and then he was told, "You can't have more money."

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-So he's going somewhere else.

-The big argument was that Rooney contradicted Alex Ferguson

0:18:250:18:29

over the state of his ankle, something you should never do, according to the Mirror.

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It said:

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Sir Alex is a bad dude, ain't he?

0:18:390:18:42

Wayne also apparently thinks that Manchester United are in decline. Do you know what he said?

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-IN THICK LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-Er, Manchester United in decline.

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He said...

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Psychotic hard man Roy Keane has been giving advice to Wayne.

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Roy said...

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It's actually a haiku.

0:19:180:19:19

Where did he pick up this taste for the Japanese literature?

0:19:200:19:24

Man United played a couple of friendlies in Japan.

0:19:240:19:27

I think that was when he wrote,

0:19:270:19:29

"An aeroplane, a stewardess, it's dark

0:19:290:19:32

"A feeling of dread fell across me."

0:19:320:19:35

LAUGHTER

0:19:350:19:37

That's economy for you.

0:19:370:19:38

What was the Chilean president doing at Old Trafford this week?

0:19:420:19:45

Doing a world tour of thanking people and giving them pieces of rock from the bottom of the mine.

0:19:450:19:50

Receiving a signed Man United shirt for each of the 33 miners.

0:19:500:19:55

Are they Man United fans?

0:19:550:19:56

Probably not. But, er...

0:19:560:19:58

they are fans of eBay.

0:19:580:20:00

Oh, right.

0:20:000:20:01

APPLAUSE

0:20:010:20:04

So what's the big international football scandal of the week?

0:20:080:20:12

Oh, yes, there was a couple of members of FIFA

0:20:120:20:14

who wanted to accept bribes in order to influence their vote

0:20:140:20:18

-on who would host the World Cup in...2018, I think it is.

-Mm-hm.

0:20:180:20:23

It was all a Sunday Times sting, in the end.

0:20:230:20:25

Undercover reporters were introduced to the FIFA officials

0:20:250:20:28

by a FIFA fixer called...

0:20:280:20:32

I like a name you can dance to.

0:20:350:20:37

And his brother, Be-bop.

0:20:370:20:40

LAUGHTER

0:20:400:20:42

So, more problems for FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on top of this other humiliation.

0:20:440:20:49

-Get up laughing. That's the only way you can come back from something like that.

-Yeah.

0:20:570:21:02

-Or continually do it all night and pretend it's...

-It's the thing you do.

0:21:020:21:06

-I just do this, I just do this, argh!

-Exactly.

0:21:060:21:09

After the 50th time of doing it, everybody would just accept it.

0:21:090:21:12

A few people would start doing it, cos people kind of weak.

0:21:120:21:16

-They're looking for a leader.

-They are.

0:21:160:21:18

I like the idea that he could have turned that round.

0:21:180:21:21

Come back up and go, "Ah-ha!"

0:21:210:21:24

Old Sepp, he's a card!

0:21:240:21:27

Could've jumped up with, "I bet you all thought I fell!"

0:21:270:21:30

Or he comes up and he's wearing a wig!

0:21:320:21:35

Blond wig, starts doing impressions. Marilyn Monroe!

0:21:350:21:41

It'd be good, but it would take some degree of preparation to pull that off.

0:21:410:21:45

-He's got to have the props on him.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Absolutely.

0:21:450:21:48

-Worth thinking - always carry a wig in case you fall over.

-Exactly.

0:21:480:21:52

It explains a multitude of sins.

0:21:520:21:55

What did we learn about one of Chelsea's footballers this week?

0:21:550:21:59

He was born in England?

0:21:590:22:00

-Don't be ridiculous.

-It's about Vanessa...?

0:22:020:22:05

-It is.

-About Vanessa Perroncel who gave an interview to the Today programme

0:22:050:22:09

about how she'd never had a physical relationship with John Terry.

0:22:090:22:14

-Do you want see the apologies from the tabloids?

-Yeah.

0:22:140:22:17

Vanessa was helped by Max Clifford...media guru, we call him.

0:22:340:22:40

Here's a shot of them at their...

0:22:400:22:42

I have to say, I am absolutely loving Max's jacket.

0:22:420:22:46

JANET: It looks a bit road mender, doesn't he?

0:22:460:22:50

Well, if you look closely, he's got all the fabrics.

0:22:500:22:53

-There's like...knitted collar and sleeves.

-Yeah.

0:22:530:22:57

Then he's got a leather quilted chest panel.

0:22:570:23:01

And then some suede frontage.

0:23:010:23:04

-REG: Great.

-Are you some sort of girly man?

0:23:040:23:08

Yes, it's been another turbulent week in the world of football.

0:23:130:23:16

FIFA was in shock after it was alleged by the Sunday Times

0:23:160:23:19

that officials took bribes for World Cup votes. One accused of bribery was Mr Amos Adamu from Nigeria,

0:23:190:23:25

who claimed it was for his country.

0:23:250:23:27

If he wants money for his country, he should go through the usual channels -

0:23:270:23:31

send out a load of bogus e-mails saying he's just come into a fortune, etc, etc.

0:23:310:23:36

There was an important High Court decision regarding the ownership of Liverpool FC this week.

0:23:380:23:43

Hundreds of Liverpool fans turned up at the High Court to see Liverpool win an historic victory.

0:23:430:23:48

Well, where else are they going to go?

0:23:480:23:52

Some of the fans drove down to the High Court,

0:23:520:23:54

but most of them caught the regular shuttle bus.

0:23:540:23:57

John Henry, the owner of the Boston Red Sox,

0:23:590:24:02

said he felt an immediate affinity with his adopted city

0:24:020:24:05

when he found out how many people in Liverpool own a baseball bat.

0:24:050:24:10

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

0:24:100:24:13

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:130:24:15

BUZZER

0:24:190:24:21

-It's Nigella Lawson standing next to an oven...

-Oh, I know. Her oven blew up.

0:24:210:24:26

-We can say that from the picture! It's not really specialist knowledge.

-Yes.

0:24:260:24:31

Yes, she had a dinner party with quite a famous guest.

0:24:310:24:33

This was in a period of the late '80s, early '90s, when this guest was particularly sought after.

0:24:330:24:40

-Ah, Salman Rushdie.

-Yes.

-And her oven exploded.

0:24:400:24:45

-And loads of security men arrived, millions of them.

-That is correct.

0:24:450:24:48

And, as you say, seven secret servicemen. Oh, it's like round the ragged rat the ragged...

0:24:480:24:54

Seven secret servicemen supped soup from the Serpentine.

0:24:540:24:57

APPLAUSE

0:24:570:25:00

That's the first thing I've said all night that they've liked.

0:25:000:25:04

It's the first thing you've said that came close to making sense, really.

0:25:040:25:08

-Does Nigella deserve the domestic goddess label? According to her?

-No.

0:25:100:25:16

Can we define once and for all what a domestic goddess is?

0:25:160:25:19

It's someone who is extremely competent with all things in the home.

0:25:190:25:23

-Yeah.

-What was the Jerry Hall thing? A whore in the bedroom...

-Oh.

0:25:230:25:27

Jerry Hall...

0:25:270:25:29

LAUGHTER

0:25:290:25:31

Can we have a Jerry Hall-free show?

0:25:310:25:34

No.

0:25:340:25:36

Up till 30 seconds ago, we were doing very well.

0:25:360:25:39

Now it seems to be impossible.

0:25:390:25:41

You should've mentioned it earlier. We'd have been all right, then.

0:25:440:25:48

You've got to be warned about these things.

0:25:480:25:50

To be fair, most shows do fall into that category.

0:25:500:25:53

She's been everywhere flogging her paintings and now she's flogging her coffee-table book.

0:25:530:25:58

-Who?

-Jerry Hall.

-I thought you didn't want to talk about her!

0:25:580:26:02

Oh, sorry.

0:26:020:26:05

-Can I tell you about Nigella not being a domestic goddess?

-Yes.

0:26:050:26:09

She stood up at a literary festival and said, "I'm a slut at home. I'm useless at all the domestic chores."

0:26:090:26:15

But she's had enough. She's saying, "I'm not a domestic goddess. Do not worship me."

0:26:150:26:19

I'd love to be worshipped - I can't see anything wrong in that.

0:26:190:26:23

You should hang out with gay men.

0:26:230:26:25

They're always good when they come round and rearrange your cushions and everything.

0:26:250:26:29

Well, I've heard some terms for it!

0:26:290:26:32

I'll be impressed if you get this. How does Nigella know when her cheesecake is done?

0:26:390:26:45

Does the producer say, "It's done now, Nigella"(?)

0:26:450:26:49

She knows it's done when there's...

0:26:490:26:52

-You don't want your inner thigh to be wibbling. My thighs are like nut crackers.

-How do you know?

0:26:560:27:01

Because I was president of the Ramblers and I'm walking nine miles a week at the moment.

0:27:010:27:06

What a waste of a bus pass that is.

0:27:060:27:08

LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:10

Yes, so on a similar subject, who is this?

0:27:100:27:13

-This is a magical pony that lives in...

-That's correct.

0:27:130:27:16

..er...Tower Hamlets.

0:27:160:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:20

No, this is Butterscotch the pony.

0:27:200:27:22

-A toy pony.

-Oh, yeah.

0:27:220:27:25

In case you can't tell, from that picture(!)

0:27:250:27:27

He caused a security scare when he was found

0:27:270:27:30

loitering outside a school in Florida.

0:27:300:27:33

And this was how they dealt with Butterscotch.

0:27:330:27:36

They sent in a special robotic security device -

0:27:360:27:42

it's absolutely true - to check Butterscotch out.

0:27:420:27:45

That's all the area that had to be cleared.

0:27:450:27:48

The police closed off the roads.

0:27:480:27:50

And then they did this.

0:27:500:27:52

GASPS OF HORROR

0:27:520:27:54

LAUGHTER

0:27:540:27:56

Let's see that one again, shall we?

0:28:010:28:03

My Little Explosion!

0:28:040:28:06

You never know, man.

0:28:120:28:14

Terrorists might have left that there. That might have been a decoy butterscotch horse.

0:28:140:28:20

Terrorists who use ponies, it'll be.

0:28:200:28:24

Sort of Al-Gymkhana.

0:28:240:28:26

LAUGHTER

0:28:260:28:28

A few laughed, 40 people went...

0:28:300:28:33

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:28:360:28:38

BELL

0:28:410:28:43

Yeah, this is the new installation in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

0:28:430:28:46

And, at huge cost,

0:28:460:28:48

the entire floor was covered in tiny porcelain seeds,

0:28:480:28:53

and in exactly 24 hours, after the thing had been opened for the public to mingle with the porcelain seeds,

0:28:530:28:59

it was closed, as a health hazard.

0:28:590:29:03

So, you can look at it, but you can't actually touch it.

0:29:040:29:08

It's interactive art, but you've got to stand behind a rope.

0:29:080:29:11

Do you know what the health hazard was?

0:29:110:29:15

The porcelain seeds gave off a fine dust, which they said might trigger off an asthma attack.

0:29:150:29:20

-Does anyone know the name of the artist?

-I think he's Ai We-Wo.

0:29:200:29:24

-Ai Weiwei he's called.

-Yeah. I knew that. Yeah.

0:29:240:29:27

There he is, with a handful of his seed.

0:29:270:29:30

-He did the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing...

-Oh, did he?

0:29:300:29:34

-..which is incredible.

-JANET: Better than our one.

0:29:340:29:37

The stadium looks like something from IKEA, compared to that.

0:29:370:29:40

Ai Weiwei versus IKEA - that's a story!

0:29:400:29:43

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:29:450:29:47

Ai Weiwei also staged an exhibition in Shanghai called Fuck Off.

0:29:470:29:52

How were attendance figures?

0:29:540:29:56

-It was generally shunned.

-Was it?

0:29:580:30:01

-Speaking of art, how has Laura Hadland entered the Guinness Book Of Records this week?

-Er...

0:30:010:30:07

She is...the youngest oldest smallest tallest biggest tiniest artist there's ever been.

0:30:070:30:14

-No.

-No.

0:30:140:30:16

She made a...

0:30:160:30:18

As a birthday present.

0:30:230:30:25

-That's quite a good likeness.

-It's a beauty.

0:30:250:30:28

JANET: You could use that for police profiling on Crimewatch.

0:30:280:30:32

That's a new low-tech way of doing it.

0:30:330:30:35

What, butter the toast of the man who attacked you in the park?

0:30:350:30:38

How do you think the Metro captioned that picture?

0:30:400:30:43

REGINALD: Oh...

0:30:430:30:44

Toast of the art world?

0:30:440:30:46

-That's actually better than what they came up with.

-Crumbs - it's modern art?

0:30:460:30:51

-No.

-Mother's Pride!

-Aha!

0:30:510:30:54

No.

0:30:540:30:56

Jowly-cheeked woman captured in toast?

0:30:560:30:58

-I think that was the sub-heading.

-Oh.

0:31:000:31:02

I'm ashamed to say it now, cos it's not as good as any of those.

0:31:020:31:05

AUDIENCE AND PANEL GROAN

0:31:060:31:08

-That's dreadful!

-Reg loved it!

0:31:090:31:11

Best one I ever saw was Elvis Presley in a slice of cake and the headline in the Sun was...

0:31:120:31:19

In The Gateau.

0:31:190:31:21

LAUGHTER

0:31:210:31:22

Absolutely marvellous.

0:31:220:31:24

Yes, it's the exhibit at the Tate Modern that has been closed

0:31:240:31:27

amid fears that exposure to dust from it can damage your health.

0:31:270:31:31

The sunflower seeds were made by 1,600 porcelain workers in the city of Jingdezhen.

0:31:310:31:35

According to the Independent...

0:31:350:31:37

..which, amusingly, were also made by Chinese slave labour.

0:31:410:31:45

According to the Times art critic, the exhibit makes you ask yourself big questions, such as...

0:31:460:31:51

And why am I coughing up blood?

0:31:590:32:01

Time now for the odd-one-out round. Just one this week.

0:32:050:32:08

Prince Philip.

0:32:080:32:10

Florence Cameron.

0:32:100:32:11

George the Blue Peter tortoise.

0:32:110:32:13

And Swaziland's Justice Minister, Ndumiso Mamba.

0:32:130:32:17

BELL

0:32:170:32:18

The Swaziland Justice Minister was found by his king

0:32:180:32:23

in the queen's bedroom.

0:32:230:32:25

In a sort of drawer...

0:32:250:32:27

AUDIENCE TITTER

0:32:270:32:28

..underneath the bed.

0:32:280:32:30

-Cos he was... He shouldn't have been in there, really.

-I think little baby Florence doesn't have

0:32:300:32:34

a proper bed. She's sleeping in a box.

0:32:340:32:37

And the Blue Peter tortoise, does he sleep in a drawer?

0:32:370:32:41

A box, cardboard box?

0:32:410:32:43

For a lot of the year. And Prince Philip isn't.

0:32:430:32:46

-So...

-He's the odd one out.

-He's the odd one out.

0:32:460:32:49

Prince Philip looked like someone from the PG Tips advert.

0:32:490:32:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:530:32:56

Is it...is it about being found in the Queen's bedroom?

0:32:570:33:00

-Are you saying none of them have been found in the Queen's bedroom?

-The Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

0:33:000:33:06

-Oh, the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

-So are all those people in the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom?

0:33:060:33:11

Have I got that story completely wrong? If so, I want to ring my lawyer.

0:33:110:33:15

LAUGHTER

0:33:150:33:16

Those apologies are SO embarrassing. Um...

0:33:160:33:19

You must have a standard form, surely?

0:33:190:33:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:230:33:25

The Swaziland element, you have correct.

0:33:250:33:28

But you don't have the answer.

0:33:280:33:30

-There's one black dude up there.

-Yeah!

0:33:300:33:32

And he may or may not work for the Halifax Building Society.

0:33:350:33:38

LAUGHTER

0:33:380:33:40

Can you imagine, if someone's watching Have I Got News For You,

0:33:430:33:46

and the odd one out is... because he's black!

0:33:460:33:49

Well, you know, what else is there?

0:33:500:33:52

They've all slept in a box,

0:33:520:33:54

apart from Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba,

0:33:540:33:59

who was wide awake when he was discovered hiding in the base of the queen's bed, who was his mistress.

0:33:590:34:03

"Oh, man, how did I wind up here?"

0:34:030:34:06

LAUGHTER

0:34:060:34:08

Is that you, dawg? Is that you? Oh, man!

0:34:100:34:13

In 1922, an 18-month-old Prince Philip was rescued from war-torn Corfu in an orange box.

0:34:150:34:21

How did Prince Philip get into trouble on a recent trip to Scotland?

0:34:210:34:25

It was something about, um...

0:34:250:34:27

-tartan underpants, wasn't it?

-Oh, yes!

0:34:270:34:30

Noticing the tartan tie of Iain Gray, the leader of the Scottish Labour Party,

0:34:300:34:34

Prince Philip casually leant over to Annabel Goldie, his Tory counterpart, and asked...

0:34:340:34:38

Baby Florence Cameron slept in a cardboard box after being born early

0:34:430:34:47

while the Camerons were holidaying in Cornwall.

0:34:470:34:49

It was said to be a joyful birth.

0:34:490:34:51

When Baby Florence was born, the midwife slapped David Cameron.

0:34:510:34:55

-Can you remember any of George the tortoise's notable achievements on Blue Peter?

-Its achievements?

0:34:560:35:03

The tortoise crossed the studio floor between 1968 and 1975.

0:35:030:35:07

I'm embarrassed to read this now. It was...

0:35:090:35:11

-How do you think the tortoise feels?

-He was trodden on

0:35:110:35:14

-by presenter Mark Curry...

-Is that an achievement?

0:35:140:35:17

Well...it's never happened to me! And more impressively,

0:35:170:35:22

he once peed on Kriss Akabusi.

0:35:220:35:25

LAUGHTER

0:35:250:35:26

Wouldn't have thought he'd have caught him, would you?

0:35:260:35:29

-He must have been lying in wait.

-I hate it when they do that.

-Yeah, behind a tree.

0:35:300:35:35

I've got all day.

0:35:350:35:38

LAUGHTER

0:35:380:35:41

Yes, they've all slept in a box apart from Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba

0:35:410:35:46

who was wide awake when he was discovered hiding in the base of his mistress the queen's bed.

0:35:460:35:50

According to an African newspaper, Mr Mamba was accused of...

0:35:500:35:54

LAUGHTER

0:35:580:36:00

Not going to bother.

0:36:000:36:02

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

0:36:020:36:06

Lower Extremity Review.

0:36:060:36:09

One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines!

0:36:110:36:14

And we start with...

0:36:140:36:16

Invite lodgers?

0:36:180:36:19

Fill up your shoes.

0:36:210:36:23

Roomy socks fill up your shoes?!

0:36:230:36:24

Even for a foot magazine, that's a poor headline, isn't it?

0:36:270:36:30

Is this Wayne ROOMY?

0:36:300:36:32

It's a piece of graffiti - "Roomy socks".

0:36:340:36:37

-That's what's happened to spelling in this country.

-It's today.

0:36:370:36:42

The answer is...

0:36:420:36:43

This is an advert from Lower Extremity Review for roomy socks.

0:36:440:36:48

They are American-made and come in four sizes -

0:36:480:36:51

large, extra-large, massive and Channel Five documentary.

0:36:510:36:54

Next...

0:36:560:36:57

Plums.

0:36:590:37:01

-Nearly.

-JANET: Damsons.

0:37:020:37:04

It's actually...

0:37:040:37:06

Not that nearly.

0:37:060:37:08

Graham Tranter of Bridgnorth has grown a cabbage that weighs 70lbs.

0:37:130:37:17

This exceeds the recommended daily intake of cabbage by 70lbs.

0:37:170:37:22

Glastonbury.

0:37:260:37:28

-It is Glastonbury.

-Oh, yes.

0:37:280:37:29

Because in 2012, we're going to have

0:37:290:37:32

a Portaloo shortage.

0:37:320:37:33

Michael Eavis has announced they can't hold Glastonbury,

0:37:330:37:36

because they can't get enough Portaloos, cos they'll all be at the Olympics.

0:37:360:37:40

Why are we training Portaloos to represent us at the Olympics?

0:37:400:37:43

2012's Glastonbury Festival Portaloos have been commandeered for use in the Olympics.

0:37:450:37:50

At the recent Commonwealth Games, thousands of Portaloos were used by athletes...as bedrooms. Next...

0:37:500:37:56

Swarm over Ann Widdecombe.

0:38:000:38:01

LAUGHTER

0:38:010:38:04

Desperate for her flesh.

0:38:040:38:06

REG: Go to Ibiza.

0:38:080:38:09

Prefer roomy socks.

0:38:090:38:12

-Is it, go on the web?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous!

0:38:140:38:17

It's...

0:38:170:38:19

Next...

0:38:210:38:23

Really big feet.

0:38:250:38:27

-You're in the right ball park now.

-Huge shins.

0:38:270:38:30

Huge shins!

0:38:300:38:31

It's...

0:38:330:38:34

This is an article by the editor of Lower Extremity Review, Jordana Foster, who says,

0:38:360:38:40

"As entertaining as it may be to debate the relative merits of flip-flops..."

0:38:400:38:45

That's enough of that!

0:38:450:38:47

Next...

0:38:470:38:49

Anal.

0:38:540:38:55

LAUGHTER

0:38:550:38:58

I've been trying to dispel that myth for years!

0:39:070:39:10

LAUGHTER

0:39:100:39:12

That is incorrect.

0:39:120:39:14

Is it amputation?

0:39:140:39:17

No.

0:39:170:39:18

This is from Lower Extremity Review, surprise, surprise! And comes from an article about bunion removal

0:39:200:39:25

in their cut-out-and-keep section.

0:39:250:39:28

Next...

0:39:280:39:30

Sir Alex Ferguson's nose, for breach of copyright.

0:39:330:39:36

It's actually...

0:39:380:39:41

This is the council worker dressed up as a tomato

0:39:410:39:43

who was injured when the Lord Mayor of Belfast

0:39:430:39:46

tried to jump over her.

0:39:460:39:48

It's probably a Protestant thing, isn't it?

0:39:480:39:51

..Dear Doctor...

0:39:550:39:57

It does sound like a condition, someone would say,

0:39:570:40:01

"Oh, man, I think I've got a cluffy wedge."

0:40:010:40:04

I don't think you are going to get it. It's...

0:40:050:40:08

-We were close.

-Yeah.

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This is from Lower Extremity Review, which I think has dumbed down quite a lot recently.

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So, the final scores - Ian and Janet have 7 points, Paul and Reg have 2.

0:40:220:40:27

APPLAUSE

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But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:330:40:37

Ian and Janet have this.

0:40:370:40:39

The one on the right says, "I'm sick of hearing about Jerry Hall!"

0:40:390:40:42

-The one on the left looks like he might have a cluffy wedge!

-Yeah.

0:40:440:40:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, then Paul and Reg get that.

0:40:520:40:54

Er...the one on the left saying, "I'm just going into the woods, I won't be long."

0:40:540:40:59

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter,

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Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter. And I leave you with news that, at a conference in Tangiers,

0:41:060:41:11

David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

0:41:110:41:15

As filming begins on the new Winnie The Pooh movie,

0:41:210:41:24

one of the stars complains to his agent about having to work in damp conditions.

0:41:240:41:28

And at a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

0:41:320:41:36

if the good-luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

0:41:360:41:39

Good night!

0:41:420:41:44

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

0:42:140:42:18