Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I'm really sorry about my cleavage.

I don't normally have any, I don't know what's happened.

I'm quite flat-chested... Oh, God.

Janet Street-Porter. Let's not act like we don't know what we did.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Frank Skinner. In the news this week -

after finishing the first gig of their comeback tour,

there's a worrying sight backstage for the Cheeky Girls.

In a deprived area of Detroit, a baby receives the news

that his biological father is multi-millionaire Tiger Woods.

And at home in Hull, a nostalgic John Prescott gets out the scrapbook

and relives some happy memories.

On Ian Hislop's team is someone who was recently seen on television walking all over England.

No, it's not the German football team, it's Janet Street-Porter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton tonight is an American comedian who says

he likes working in the UK because it's much harder to offend the audience.

What, these ugly bastards?

LAUGHTER

Oh, you're right. Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

-It's Osborne's hammer.

-Yep.

And Danny Alexander in slow motion.

Deliberately giving us a leak.

Yeah, telling us half a million to be unemployed.

-Good news.

-There were so many leaks about...

Look, there's the entire Air Force.

Has it got an aircraft carrier to land on?

No, it's going to dive bomb it. "Hello, sir.

"Would you like to walk the plank?"

Oh, God, is that the Army?

It's a minister looking a bit of a prat.

It's Dr Fox and they haven't given him a parachute.

I'm really confused about the Comprehensive Spending Review,

because now I've got to be older to be a pensioner.

I am a pensioner already,

but now pensions are going to go up and up, so you've got to be 66.

Yeah, we're not going to pay you a pension now. Look at you!

-There's years of life in you yet.

-Yeah, there is, actually.

I listened to George Osborne today going on and on and on

about all the things that pensioners have still got.

We've still got our bus passes, we've still got our eye tests,

we've still got our free prescriptions.

You've still got your teeth.

APPLAUSE

Ian, I've still got 90% of my IQ, because I read in the Daily Mail

or something last week that if you walk nine miles a week,

Alzheimer's is still on the horizon.

Yeah, but if you read the Daily Mail, your IQ plummets.

Anyway, the rich are going to be absolutely cash-strapped by this.

So if you've got any sympathy left,

it's for David and George,

because we're all in it together.

Except them.

-It is pretty savage.

-Hm.

And we haven't got any armed forces any more.

Unbelievable feats of logic. We're building two aircraft carriers that everyone agrees we don't need.

-They can't have aircraft on them - they haven't got any.

-Helicopters can land on them.

But not now because they haven't been built yet.

We're scrapping the aircraft carrier we have, and the only reason we're building the aircraft carriers

is because the contract has been signed already.

We've spent billions of pounds on these ships that nobody wants,

so we've got to build them anyway.

Don't be picky.

It's a bloody big thing to build with nothing to go on it, isn't it?

Can't they use it for housing now they're cancelling all the social housing?

-What, social housing floating about the Gulf?

-Or a prison.

If you don't pay your rent, they shoot you out of a torpedo tube.

Zoom!

-Did you say a prison?

-Yeah.

-That would be a great idea, a floating prison.

-I thought we had had floating prisons.

-Yeah, we had.

We had great big hulks in the Thames.

Full of ASBOs.

People tried to tunnel their way out, didn't they? It was terrible. Terrible business.

It's been rather sad for the Prince of Wales.

He's finally got a boat named after him and they're going to scrap it.

-REG: Is it naive to believe...

-Yeah.

Almost always.

-Can I...?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr Been-On-Here-Since-1990.

Seems longer.

Is it possible to believe that part of the reason they're going ahead to build these boats is to go,

"Hey, look, people, here's these jobs we got!

"We got all these jobs!" And when the boat's built, and the new administration is in,

then all of a sudden we've lost all these jobs

and it's these old people's fault.

And the fact that these ships are being built in Scotland

in constituencies quite near Gordon Brown's is a coincidence.

Hey, man, it's a comedy show!

Yeah, the last Government certainly was.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You also have to think too, if you're the leader of the British Government,

you're going around with other leaders around the world

and they've got new aircraft carriers.

How does it look if you're out there and you've got this old aircraft carrier?

I mean, they won't say nothing,

but you know they're thinking it, you know?

APPLAUSE

Other countries will be able to use these.

-The French are going to use them.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That'll be handy for landing in England.

It could be just like a bridge, they could just walk across.

They're going to be adapted to their...

-What, bigger kitchens and swanky chefs?

-Yeah.

Less showers. Yeah.

-Fewer showers. Honestly!

-Oh, sorry, fewer showers.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If there's one thing I hate, it's ungrammatical racism.

Helicopters can land on water anyway.

-They just have those floats on the bottom?

-I've seen those.

That's much cheaper than building two aircraft carriers, surely.

You think we should just have a load of bigger rubber dinghies

for them to... That'd be cheap, wouldn't it?

If you just put those floaty bits on the bottoms of helicopters...

Or you know when you're on an aeroplane, the rubber slides that come down?

No! The floaty bits!

If British Airways is grounded, they're going to have a lot of those rubber bits they're not using.

They could send them off to the Indian Ocean,

the Mediterranean, and our helicopters can land on them.

LAUGHTER

No, they're like floaty bits!

On the bottom of a helicopter! You can land on the water in them.

JANET: Oh.

Have you never seen those on TV?

No. Last time I went on a helicopter was... I'd better not say.

The point of landing on a ship is you get refuelled.

What was it about the last helicopter trip that you said you'd better not say?

-It sounded quite interesting.

-All right. I went horseracing and my hat was too big to get in the helicopter.

-How did the horse get on?

-I had a row with a mouthy pilot who said,

"You're a safety hazard with that hat on."

I went, "All right. I'm not taking it off.

"I'll sit with my head sideways."

I nearly got an neck injury.

All the way from Battersea to Ascot like that.

Well, we're all in it together now, Janet.

I think you've lost a bit of pension-based sympathy with that story.

"My helicopter trip to Ascot".

-That was ten years ago.

-Did you use your Freedom Pass on it?

-I wasn't a pensioner ten years ago, Frank.

-I never thought that.

-I can't believe...

-I'm not that old.

It's hard to believe you're a pensioner now.

Yeah, unlike Cliff Richard, I haven't got a crepe-y neck either.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

No, don't tell me there are some Cliff fans in the audience!

They're like the plague - they're everywhere you go.

It was all very well you attacking the Government over spending cuts,

but not Cliff Richard.

To be fair, I think she's attacking the fans, who she has described as "like the plague".

Which major international figure offered support for the Government's efforts to cut the deficit?

-Oh, was it Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That's because he was visiting London anyway.

It was just another way of getting in the headlines.

Yeah, because...

Wait! Are you trying to say... he didn't mean it?

LAUGHTER

I made a documentary film with Arnie when he was just a body-builder

and I am the woman who took Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gordon's Gym,

and I had to sit there and feed him 25 doughnuts

out of two big carrier bags.

So if anyone know Arnold Schwarzenegger's mentality, it's me.

Now, interesting as that is...

This is the kind of chat we supposed to be having in a bar.

I've got a picture of me sitting, when I was several stone lighter,

on Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm.

What the hell are you talking about?

-It's just that I know Arnold...

-She was sitting on his arm.

I was sitting on his arm, he's doing that bicep-y thing. And I'm poised...

I thought you meant it was a ventriloquist act.

Do you know what Cameron's joke was on the steps of Downing Street

-about Arnie's visit?

-Did he say, "I'll be back"?

Incredibly, he didn't. You would have put money on it, wouldn't you?

-What did he say?

-He said...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Come on.

According to the Telegraph, Arnold said...

I mean, he said that like, "You don't want to be an economic girly-man".

Like everybody knows that you don't want to do that.

Like when he said that to Cameron, Cameron went, "Oh, shit! Do I look like that?"

So the intelligence services are getting £1 billion more. Why?

-To combat cyber-terrorism.

-Yes, cyber-terrorism.

That's just another euphemism for spying on us morning, noon and night,

because now they're going to track every time we log on to websites and every time we Google.

-Are they?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Oh, dear!

They're calling it cyber-terrorism.

We thought we managed to get ID cards binned.

They're back another way.

They came back bigger, badder, meaner, stronger.

I'm with you on this, Street-Porter.

You're like a hero to me. Street-Porter!

Don't get carried away.

Yes, ma'am.

Would you like the rest of us just to subtly leave? Let the two of you just, you know...

So this week BBC News decided to take to the streets

to ask people where they thought the axe should fall.

So let's have a look at the Great British public in action.

We set up shop to find out what kind of savings people might be prepared to make.

-Could you do with a fortnightly bin collection?

-No.

Could you do with fewer street lights at night?

-No.

-Could you do with fewer libraries?

No.

-Quangos are being slashed.

-What's a quango?

It's a cross between a tango and a croissant.

Sounds all right.

-I remember Johnny Kwango, the wrestler. Do you remember him?

-Oh, yeah, he was very good, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was in an automobile accident and couldn't get an erection after.

Luckily it's not one of the holds in professional wrestling, so...

-Not a legal hold anyway.

-No, no.

-He ended up with a half-nelson.

-Really?

Well, there's one quango that did go which I, personally,

will miss quite a lot. That is the...

I don't think a quango is what you think it is.

No.

How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

Strikes, riots on the streets.

Anger. "Angeur. Angeur."

They say the word anger very much like that. "Angeur".

They can't speak English like we do. I don't know why that is.

You're quite right, though, they have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French.

No, you can say what you like.

There was a group of schoolchildren on the streets campaigning against an increased pension age.

I mean, that's forward-looking for you.

The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome.

The Pope didn't want to meet her, because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid

to prop up his popularity ratings, flew off to Rome to meet the Pope

and she wasn't allowed to come along.

Is she not a Catholic?

She's a Catholic, but I think her past got in the way.

She used to be a ho.

I don't think that remark will be going out.

I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts, necessarily.

APPLAUSE

And in the middle of their financial crisis, what's German Chancellor Angela Merkel been saying?

"Multiculturalism doesn't work," is what she says.

-But, you know, Germany kind of felt like that back in the '30s and '40s, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-That's not like a new thing for Germany?

-No.

We can't even get all mad with them. "Yeah, we kind of knew y'all felt like that."

Just to put the icing on the cake, when she said it, she said it to...

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh-ho-ho!

-That sounds like somebody was having a bad day and they had to talk to some kids

and they might have said some things that they didn't have to say.

A bad HERR day. Huh!

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

-Now see...

-That's terrible!

See?

That was sexist.

PAUL LAUGHS

I mean, it wasn't hateful but it was sexist, though.

I mean... Cos I had said she had a bad day

and then you made it to be a bad hair day...

-Yeah, I...

-Oh, no!

-You were making fun out of her actual hair.

-No, no.

"Herr" as in German for "Mr", you know.

-Herr...

-Oh!

-Like... Oh... Like... Oh, damn.

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK.

I wasn't being sexist - I was dealing in racist stereotypes about the Germans, so...

I apologise.

I'm sexist and I was projecting onto you.

Yes, this is the long-awaited Government Spending Review.

After announcing the defence cuts, David Cameron rang the White House and made it clear that...

To which the receptionist replied, "Thanks for the message.

"And how are you spelling Cameron?"

The Government has postponed the scrapping of our secret

nuclear submarine, Trident, as no-one knows where it is.

-Reg and Paul, here's yours.

-Ah, finally.

This is Mr Wayne Rooney, currently in trouble with his club, Manchester United.

There's Alex Ferguson there.

-That's the World Cup.

-That was the World Cup?

-Yeah.

-OK.

And... I'm not sure what that's meant to symbolise.

Yes, there's two stories going on here, I think.

That's Wayne Rooney now to avoid press attention.

They've spotted him on a holiday in New Zealand.

Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United.

Have you been following this at all? Do you follow football?

I think Wayne Rooney's wife wants to leave Manchester.

-That's what I think.

-Yeah.

-I just think that, you know, when she walks around,

she'll get people she don't even know coming up to her, giving her advice about her life.

I think she probably thinks, "They won't talk to me like this in Spain."

Well, there is the trouble if he gets... You know, Spain...

He's not really very good at English particularly,

so Spanish will be a bit of a problem.

He doesn't know the Spanish for, "Is it extra if you keep your teeth in?" So we don't know.

We just don't know.

American Fox Sports Network was one of the first to report that Rooney would be leaving his current club.

It said... The headline:

I'm not sure they quite got the significance of the colloquialism.

-I have to admit, it don't sound like a real swearword to us.

-No?

And even when y'all do swear, y'all make swear words sound more classy.

Like "ass". We say "ass" and y'all say "arse".

It sounds like you're asking someone across the table to pass over some special sauce.

"Can I have a piece of that arse?"

What are the possible reasons for the big fall-out between Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney?

I thought he asked for a lot more money and then he was told, "You can't have more money."

-So he's going somewhere else.

-The big argument was that Rooney contradicted Alex Ferguson

over the state of his ankle, something you should never do, according to the Mirror.

It said:

Sir Alex is a bad dude, ain't he?

Wayne also apparently thinks that Manchester United are in decline. Do you know what he said?

-IN THICK LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-Er, Manchester United in decline.

He said...

Psychotic hard man Roy Keane has been giving advice to Wayne.

Roy said...

It's actually a haiku.

Where did he pick up this taste for the Japanese literature?

Man United played a couple of friendlies in Japan.

I think that was when he wrote,

"An aeroplane, a stewardess, it's dark

"A feeling of dread fell across me."

LAUGHTER

That's economy for you.

What was the Chilean president doing at Old Trafford this week?

Doing a world tour of thanking people and giving them pieces of rock from the bottom of the mine.

Receiving a signed Man United shirt for each of the 33 miners.

Are they Man United fans?

Probably not. But, er...

they are fans of eBay.

Oh, right.

APPLAUSE

So what's the big international football scandal of the week?

Oh, yes, there was a couple of members of FIFA

who wanted to accept bribes in order to influence their vote

-on who would host the World Cup in...2018, I think it is.

-Mm-hm.

It was all a Sunday Times sting, in the end.

Undercover reporters were introduced to the FIFA officials

by a FIFA fixer called...

I like a name you can dance to.

And his brother, Be-bop.

LAUGHTER

So, more problems for FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on top of this other humiliation.

-Get up laughing. That's the only way you can come back from something like that.

-Yeah.

-Or continually do it all night and pretend it's...

-It's the thing you do.

-I just do this, I just do this, argh!

-Exactly.

After the 50th time of doing it, everybody would just accept it.

A few people would start doing it, cos people kind of weak.

-They're looking for a leader.

-They are.

I like the idea that he could have turned that round.

Come back up and go, "Ah-ha!"

Old Sepp, he's a card!

Could've jumped up with, "I bet you all thought I fell!"

Or he comes up and he's wearing a wig!

Blond wig, starts doing impressions. Marilyn Monroe!

It'd be good, but it would take some degree of preparation to pull that off.

-He's got to have the props on him.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Absolutely.

-Worth thinking - always carry a wig in case you fall over.

-Exactly.

It explains a multitude of sins.

What did we learn about one of Chelsea's footballers this week?

He was born in England?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-It's about Vanessa...?

-It is.

-About Vanessa Perroncel who gave an interview to the Today programme

about how she'd never had a physical relationship with John Terry.

-Do you want see the apologies from the tabloids?

-Yeah.

Vanessa was helped by Max Clifford...media guru, we call him.

Here's a shot of them at their...

I have to say, I am absolutely loving Max's jacket.

JANET: It looks a bit road mender, doesn't he?

Well, if you look closely, he's got all the fabrics.

-There's like...knitted collar and sleeves.

-Yeah.

Then he's got a leather quilted chest panel.

And then some suede frontage.

-REG: Great.

-Are you some sort of girly man?

Yes, it's been another turbulent week in the world of football.

FIFA was in shock after it was alleged by the Sunday Times

that officials took bribes for World Cup votes. One accused of bribery was Mr Amos Adamu from Nigeria,

who claimed it was for his country.

If he wants money for his country, he should go through the usual channels -

send out a load of bogus e-mails saying he's just come into a fortune, etc, etc.

There was an important High Court decision regarding the ownership of Liverpool FC this week.

Hundreds of Liverpool fans turned up at the High Court to see Liverpool win an historic victory.

Well, where else are they going to go?

Some of the fans drove down to the High Court,

but most of them caught the regular shuttle bus.

John Henry, the owner of the Boston Red Sox,

said he felt an immediate affinity with his adopted city

when he found out how many people in Liverpool own a baseball bat.

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-It's Nigella Lawson standing next to an oven...

-Oh, I know. Her oven blew up.

-We can say that from the picture! It's not really specialist knowledge.

-Yes.

Yes, she had a dinner party with quite a famous guest.

This was in a period of the late '80s, early '90s, when this guest was particularly sought after.

-Ah, Salman Rushdie.

-Yes.

-And her oven exploded.

-And loads of security men arrived, millions of them.

-That is correct.

And, as you say, seven secret servicemen. Oh, it's like round the ragged rat the ragged...

Seven secret servicemen supped soup from the Serpentine.

APPLAUSE

That's the first thing I've said all night that they've liked.

It's the first thing you've said that came close to making sense, really.

-Does Nigella deserve the domestic goddess label? According to her?

-No.

Can we define once and for all what a domestic goddess is?

It's someone who is extremely competent with all things in the home.

-Yeah.

-What was the Jerry Hall thing? A whore in the bedroom...

-Oh.

Jerry Hall...

LAUGHTER

Can we have a Jerry Hall-free show?

No.

Up till 30 seconds ago, we were doing very well.

Now it seems to be impossible.

You should've mentioned it earlier. We'd have been all right, then.

You've got to be warned about these things.

To be fair, most shows do fall into that category.

She's been everywhere flogging her paintings and now she's flogging her coffee-table book.

-Who?

-Jerry Hall.

-I thought you didn't want to talk about her!

Oh, sorry.

-Can I tell you about Nigella not being a domestic goddess?

-Yes.

She stood up at a literary festival and said, "I'm a slut at home. I'm useless at all the domestic chores."

But she's had enough. She's saying, "I'm not a domestic goddess. Do not worship me."

I'd love to be worshipped - I can't see anything wrong in that.

You should hang out with gay men.

They're always good when they come round and rearrange your cushions and everything.

Well, I've heard some terms for it!

I'll be impressed if you get this. How does Nigella know when her cheesecake is done?

Does the producer say, "It's done now, Nigella"(?)

She knows it's done when there's...

-You don't want your inner thigh to be wibbling. My thighs are like nut crackers.

-How do you know?

Because I was president of the Ramblers and I'm walking nine miles a week at the moment.

What a waste of a bus pass that is.

LAUGHTER

Yes, so on a similar subject, who is this?

-This is a magical pony that lives in...

-That's correct.

..er...Tower Hamlets.

LAUGHTER

No, this is Butterscotch the pony.

-A toy pony.

-Oh, yeah.

In case you can't tell, from that picture(!)

He caused a security scare when he was found

loitering outside a school in Florida.

And this was how they dealt with Butterscotch.

They sent in a special robotic security device -

it's absolutely true - to check Butterscotch out.

That's all the area that had to be cleared.

The police closed off the roads.

And then they did this.

GASPS OF HORROR

LAUGHTER

Let's see that one again, shall we?

My Little Explosion!

You never know, man.

Terrorists might have left that there. That might have been a decoy butterscotch horse.

Terrorists who use ponies, it'll be.

Sort of Al-Gymkhana.

LAUGHTER

A few laughed, 40 people went...

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

Yeah, this is the new installation in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

And, at huge cost,

the entire floor was covered in tiny porcelain seeds,

and in exactly 24 hours, after the thing had been opened for the public to mingle with the porcelain seeds,

it was closed, as a health hazard.

So, you can look at it, but you can't actually touch it.

It's interactive art, but you've got to stand behind a rope.

Do you know what the health hazard was?

The porcelain seeds gave off a fine dust, which they said might trigger off an asthma attack.

-Does anyone know the name of the artist?

-I think he's Ai We-Wo.

-Ai Weiwei he's called.

-Yeah. I knew that. Yeah.

There he is, with a handful of his seed.

-He did the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing...

-Oh, did he?

-..which is incredible.

-JANET: Better than our one.

The stadium looks like something from IKEA, compared to that.

Ai Weiwei versus IKEA - that's a story!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Ai Weiwei also staged an exhibition in Shanghai called Fuck Off.

How were attendance figures?

-It was generally shunned.

-Was it?

-Speaking of art, how has Laura Hadland entered the Guinness Book Of Records this week?

-Er...

She is...the youngest oldest smallest tallest biggest tiniest artist there's ever been.

-No.

-No.

She made a...

As a birthday present.

-That's quite a good likeness.

-It's a beauty.

JANET: You could use that for police profiling on Crimewatch.

That's a new low-tech way of doing it.

What, butter the toast of the man who attacked you in the park?

How do you think the Metro captioned that picture?

REGINALD: Oh...

Toast of the art world?

-That's actually better than what they came up with.

-Crumbs - it's modern art?

-No.

-Mother's Pride!

-Aha!

No.

Jowly-cheeked woman captured in toast?

-I think that was the sub-heading.

-Oh.

I'm ashamed to say it now, cos it's not as good as any of those.

AUDIENCE AND PANEL GROAN

-That's dreadful!

-Reg loved it!

Best one I ever saw was Elvis Presley in a slice of cake and the headline in the Sun was...

In The Gateau.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely marvellous.

Yes, it's the exhibit at the Tate Modern that has been closed

amid fears that exposure to dust from it can damage your health.

The sunflower seeds were made by 1,600 porcelain workers in the city of Jingdezhen.

According to the Independent...

..which, amusingly, were also made by Chinese slave labour.

According to the Times art critic, the exhibit makes you ask yourself big questions, such as...

And why am I coughing up blood?

Time now for the odd-one-out round. Just one this week.

Prince Philip.

Florence Cameron.

George the Blue Peter tortoise.

And Swaziland's Justice Minister, Ndumiso Mamba.

BELL

The Swaziland Justice Minister was found by his king

in the queen's bedroom.

In a sort of drawer...

AUDIENCE TITTER

..underneath the bed.

-Cos he was... He shouldn't have been in there, really.

-I think little baby Florence doesn't have

a proper bed. She's sleeping in a box.

And the Blue Peter tortoise, does he sleep in a drawer?

A box, cardboard box?

For a lot of the year. And Prince Philip isn't.

-So...

-He's the odd one out.

-He's the odd one out.

Prince Philip looked like someone from the PG Tips advert.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it...is it about being found in the Queen's bedroom?

-Are you saying none of them have been found in the Queen's bedroom?

-The Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

-Oh, the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

-So are all those people in the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom?

Have I got that story completely wrong? If so, I want to ring my lawyer.

LAUGHTER

Those apologies are SO embarrassing. Um...

You must have a standard form, surely?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Swaziland element, you have correct.

But you don't have the answer.

-There's one black dude up there.

-Yeah!

And he may or may not work for the Halifax Building Society.

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine, if someone's watching Have I Got News For You,

and the odd one out is... because he's black!

Well, you know, what else is there?

They've all slept in a box,

apart from Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba,

who was wide awake when he was discovered hiding in the base of the queen's bed, who was his mistress.

"Oh, man, how did I wind up here?"

LAUGHTER

Is that you, dawg? Is that you? Oh, man!

In 1922, an 18-month-old Prince Philip was rescued from war-torn Corfu in an orange box.

How did Prince Philip get into trouble on a recent trip to Scotland?

It was something about, um...

-tartan underpants, wasn't it?

-Oh, yes!

Noticing the tartan tie of Iain Gray, the leader of the Scottish Labour Party,

Prince Philip casually leant over to Annabel Goldie, his Tory counterpart, and asked...

Baby Florence Cameron slept in a cardboard box after being born early

while the Camerons were holidaying in Cornwall.

It was said to be a joyful birth.

When Baby Florence was born, the midwife slapped David Cameron.

-Can you remember any of George the tortoise's notable achievements on Blue Peter?

-Its achievements?

The tortoise crossed the studio floor between 1968 and 1975.

I'm embarrassed to read this now. It was...

-How do you think the tortoise feels?

-He was trodden on

-by presenter Mark Curry...

-Is that an achievement?

Well...it's never happened to me! And more impressively,

he once peed on Kriss Akabusi.

LAUGHTER

Wouldn't have thought he'd have caught him, would you?

-He must have been lying in wait.

-I hate it when they do that.

-Yeah, behind a tree.

I've got all day.

LAUGHTER

Yes, they've all slept in a box apart from Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba

who was wide awake when he was discovered hiding in the base of his mistress the queen's bed.

According to an African newspaper, Mr Mamba was accused of...

LAUGHTER

Not going to bother.

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

Lower Extremity Review.

One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines!

And we start with...

Invite lodgers?

Fill up your shoes.

Roomy socks fill up your shoes?!

Even for a foot magazine, that's a poor headline, isn't it?

Is this Wayne ROOMY?

It's a piece of graffiti - "Roomy socks".

-That's what's happened to spelling in this country.

-It's today.

The answer is...

This is an advert from Lower Extremity Review for roomy socks.

They are American-made and come in four sizes -

large, extra-large, massive and Channel Five documentary.

Next...

Plums.

-Nearly.

-JANET: Damsons.

It's actually...

Not that nearly.

Graham Tranter of Bridgnorth has grown a cabbage that weighs 70lbs.

This exceeds the recommended daily intake of cabbage by 70lbs.

Glastonbury.

-It is Glastonbury.

-Oh, yes.

Because in 2012, we're going to have

a Portaloo shortage.

Michael Eavis has announced they can't hold Glastonbury,

because they can't get enough Portaloos, cos they'll all be at the Olympics.

Why are we training Portaloos to represent us at the Olympics?

2012's Glastonbury Festival Portaloos have been commandeered for use in the Olympics.

At the recent Commonwealth Games, thousands of Portaloos were used by athletes...as bedrooms. Next...

Swarm over Ann Widdecombe.

LAUGHTER

Desperate for her flesh.

REG: Go to Ibiza.

Prefer roomy socks.

-Is it, go on the web?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous!

It's...

Next...

Really big feet.

-You're in the right ball park now.

-Huge shins.

Huge shins!

It's...

This is an article by the editor of Lower Extremity Review, Jordana Foster, who says,

"As entertaining as it may be to debate the relative merits of flip-flops..."

That's enough of that!

Next...

Anal.

LAUGHTER

I've been trying to dispel that myth for years!

LAUGHTER

That is incorrect.

Is it amputation?

No.

This is from Lower Extremity Review, surprise, surprise! And comes from an article about bunion removal

in their cut-out-and-keep section.

Next...

Sir Alex Ferguson's nose, for breach of copyright.

It's actually...

This is the council worker dressed up as a tomato

who was injured when the Lord Mayor of Belfast

tried to jump over her.

It's probably a Protestant thing, isn't it?

..Dear Doctor...

It does sound like a condition, someone would say,

"Oh, man, I think I've got a cluffy wedge."

I don't think you are going to get it. It's...

-We were close.

-Yeah.

This is from Lower Extremity Review, which I think has dumbed down quite a lot recently.

So, the final scores - Ian and Janet have 7 points, Paul and Reg have 2.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Janet have this.

The one on the right says, "I'm sick of hearing about Jerry Hall!"

-The one on the left looks like he might have a cluffy wedge!

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, then Paul and Reg get that.

Er...the one on the left saying, "I'm just going into the woods, I won't be long."

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter,

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter. And I leave you with news that, at a conference in Tangiers,

David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

As filming begins on the new Winnie The Pooh movie,

one of the stars complains to his agent about having to work in damp conditions.

And at a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

if the good-luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

Good night!

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