Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Well done for getting here. Who has come the furthest during this Tube strike?

Not that you'd know, I suppose James, where have you come from?

-I've come from Ibiza.

-He's come from Ibiza.

What, on the Northern Line? Exactly.

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Chris Addison.

In the news, after accidentally spilling soup over the Director General,

political editor Nick Robinson fears he may have slipped down the pecking order for big investigations.

Who designed the Angel Of The North?

APPLAUSE

At an IT conference, one expert can't help noticing the guest speaker is using a limited edition,

high-def app on the new multi-core smart tablet

with micro-channel architecture and cross-network management protocol.

And at a house in Wisconsin there's evidence that the higher

quality of food available to rats is improving their brain power.

APPLAUSE

With Paul Merton is the BBC's Political Editor

who once responded to a jibe about his bald head

from George W Bush by saying, "I didn't know you cared."

To which Bush replied, "I don't."

Please welcome the only person on the planet EVER to be outsmarted by George W Bush...

Nick Robinson.

APPLAUSE

I'm sure that's not true.

And with Ian Hislop tonight, a musician and former soldier

who regularly entertains the troops in Afghanistan saying,

"I'll sing the Taliban into surrendering."

Well, after the defence cuts, he's pretty much all we've got.

Please welcome James Blunt.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and James, here's yours.

That's l'entente cordiale.

Here's who's signing it.

Sarkozy doesn't believe a word of it.

They're French, aren't they?

They're French soldiers. There's another short French man. Two short French people.

-This looks like our lads.

-This is the Falklands, obviously.

That is a new missile deployment system.

And that's what happens.

You actually were a soldier, though. How would this impact?

The French and the English are going to have a joint command. Would that have been good?

I think it would be dangerous. I have experienced that kind of thing of working with people before.

I had to say on a radio when I was working with these foreign soldiers,

"Regardez a gauche, les Serbs."

And then I realised that they were Italian.

So did they understand French?

No, no, he didn't, the only thing that came back on the radio was,

"Quoi?". At that stage I told my driver in my tank, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

I'm told the French soldiers are going to speak English.

Is the standard of English among British...

The standard of French amongst British troops?

The standard of English amongst British soldiers is pretty low, you're right.

We're going to have a hard time, the French understanding us.

The trouble is, if we were sharing an aircraft carrier, they drive on the other side of the road.

We get it Monday, Wednesday, Friday?

What if we have a war with France?

We'll have to bomb our own air aircraft carrier.

It is meant to act as a deterrent so that we don't do it again.

Oh, right, OK. So all armies in the world could be on the same side?

# And there would be peace. #

Sorry, song coming on.

Yes, spirit of John Lennon hit you then, just for a second, touched lightly on your brow.

So, anyway, after 1,000 years France and Britain are going to have a joint army.

Oui, bien sur.

-That's very good, is that Italian?

-Non, c'est Francais. It's the only French I know.

Apart from l'ornithorynque which is duck-billed platypus.

They kept saying in these conferences they can't envisage

a situation where France and England wouldn't have identical interests

and then you show pictures of the Falklands, where they provided the Exocets for the other side.

I suppose this time they're just closer.

they just fire them straight from the ship.

On the subject of having the French as allies, Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf had clear views.

Remember what he said?

He implied that if you went into battle with the French,

you might as well go in on your own.

Yes, he said...

They're going to start trialling the new joint brigade soon, what's the plan?

-Take on America.

-Take on America?

-Yeah.

-Let's not run before we can walk.

-They won't be expecting it.

-The joint forces are getting a go?

-Yeah, they're going to get a go.

-Where are they going?

They are going to have a military exercise together in Belgium.

Haven't we been there once before?

A couple of times actually, and they are going to move on to Stalingrad.

Which bit of kit has been causing Sarkozy trouble this week?

Shoes. I thought his shoes weren't giving him enough height.

Are you suggesting he should go round in kind of glam rock style...?

He does. You may laugh, he does.

James will have met him, can I just check?

When you met him and Carla, he must have said, "I really like your work."

And I said, "I really like your wife."

"Let's swap."

It was his £160 million jet, his new presidential jet,

which was alleged in the press to have been kitted out sumptuously with items including...

A bath!

A pizza oven in a French plane is strange, isn't it?

You'd think he would have gone for something more national than an Italian.

Like a fois gras unit. Goose stuffing booth.

Sarkozy asked for a bath and they pointed out that if there was a bit of turbulence,

the water would spill on the plane and it might fall out of the sky cos the electrics would go.

If he's the president, can't he have a bath with wings that come out so that he can glide to the ground?

That's what I'd have.

Let the bath water out slowly to lose height.

I never did physics at school. Has it changed much?

It's working a treat so far.

I always thought in plane crashes,

you should jump off at the last minute, but apparently it's not like that.

As you're coming towards the ground, you think, "Six foot, I'll just..." You easily can jump six foot.

-Just step off. Why doesn't everyone do it?

-There's a queue.

APPLAUSE

That's what I would do.

Some people get really cross about this link-up with the French.

But no matter how cross you get, however annoyed you are,

it's important to keep your cool, isn't it, Nick?

That he is seeking to deal with a deficit,

that he's protecting health and education, overseas aid, for example,

and he's doing it by cutting welfare and cutting waste,

but he will not write the next chapters in this story.

'All right, Nick, thank you.'

Well done for trying to get away from that person behind you.

You should be ashamed of yourself, mate. Shame on you, mate.

APPLAUSE

I was just trying to make a point.

LAUGHTER

-Meanwhile...

-Did you have to apologise?

Not as such.

-Would you like to now?

-Sorry, hold on.

The BBC would like to make it plain that Nick Robinson deeply

regrets any violence towards the protestor.

And it will never be repeated.

That's awesome cos we don't know if you're taking the piss or not.

APPLAUSE

What electoral measure has David Cameron been forced to bring in by the Europeans this week?

It's to do with the prisons, isn't it?

Could you elaborate on that?

I only read the headline.

It used to be in this country that the only people who couldn't vote

were members of the House of Lords, lunatics and criminals,

which is a group that has a certain amount of...

overlap.

But now Europe has dictated that prisoners do have

the right to vote, so in some constituencies,

I don't know Wandsworth or whatever, there's 80,000 votes going.

Can they be trusted to get back from the election booth, though?

-During the general election, do the MPs have to canvas them?

-"Vote for me, I'll let you out."

Anyone in here for fraud?

I need some help with my expenses claim.

They showed a great picture, as well, of a lifer celebrating with a glass of champagne and a joint.

Lib Dems!

I'd love to do a live. Wouldn't it be great, 'From The Lifers Wing'?

We'd love to see you do that, Nick.

Start getting angry with one of them, perhaps.

I bet you they think the Government's too soft on criminals.

"I want a more open society, windows, doors, that sort of thing."

I went to Wandsworth Prison and I had a lunch with a lot of prisoners and this prisoner said,

"Nowadays, conditions, they're just too soft, it's no deterrent.

"When I first went to prison,

"now THAT was a deterrent."

Charles Kennedy did a visit to a hospital during an election campaign with a TV camera

he asked a man in a hospital bed, "Who will you vote for?" He said, "Liberal Democrat."

He said, "What are you in for?" "Brain surgery."

Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble, again. What's he done this time?

He went for a skin graft but he didn't realise he'd have his hand stuck to his forehead.

"She's charging how much?"

He's been trying to give a helping hand to a teenage Moroccan belly dancer called Ruby.

-He's incredibly generous like that.

-Very paternal.

Very paternal. He bought her a diamond necklace and a car and gave her a lump of cash.

And said, "Who's your daddy?"

So I can avoid him if I see him.

He's very upset that people have misinterpreted this and said,

-"Why do people always go on about this?"

-He said...

People's pert, young problems.

How did he get to know Ruby?

Was it a phone call, to the usual agency?

Their eyes met across a suitcase of money?

They'd been somewhere together.

Was it a lecture?

It was at a bunga-bunga party.

What's a bunga-bunga party?

-Where you throw money at young women.

-And go, "Bunga, bunga."

It's a naked party game, which, according to the Observer...

Put that in context, they are Italian!

She went on to reveal...

King of the party games.

He's even said something more today.

Did he say the Italian people like men who like women?

It's the proposal to merge British and French military forces in a shake-up of the entente cordiale.

The new era of military co-operation could see British and French forces fighting side by side,

both flags proudly flying, our Union Jack

their white hanky...

Despite tensions within the EU, bizarrely, Angela Merkel

has revealed herself to be a fan of Midsomer Murders.

The German Chancellor visited Chequers only last weekend

and according to the Daily Mail, David Cameron lined up...

or as the rest of us call it, an episode of Midsomer Murders.

In Italy, Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has got himself

embroiled in yet another scandal involving wild sex parties.

According to the Sunday Times, one get together featured...

Then, after the Cabinet meeting, he went to a sex party.

Paul and Nick, take a look at this...

-America.

-Yes, of course. They've just had these mid-term elections.

There's the new Republican senators.

The Tea Party, obviously. A clue there for us, in case we didn't get it.

There's Sarah Palin, Ian's favourite.

-Particularly when she lets her hair down.

-Yeah, oh blimey, then we all know about it.

And then there's Obama, the President,

who's not doing very well at the moment.

The American people, one in four think he's Muslim, one in ten think he's a terrorist,

1 in 50 think he's a holiday that they took in Mexico in 1968.

We're confused, what's been happening, Nick.

-It is not new gag in America, they say, "Knock, knock, who's there?"

-Yeah, OK, let's do it then.

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there? OK, which bit am I doing?

Barack Obama, yes. Knock, knock.

-It's never going to catch on, this, is it?

-OK, I'll say, "Knock, knock."

No, OK, you say, "Knock, knock," and I'll say, "Who's there?"

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there.

-Barack Obama.

-Really?

What's he doing round here, hasn't he got enough troubles of his own?

Barack Obama who?

That's politics.

This is the American mid-term elections, which have gone pretty disastrously.

Lots of people have voted for strange people who believe all sorts of odd things,

but if you say odd things with enough conviction in America, people are willing to believe you.

But not if you're a witch. That's the good news.

If you were a witch, you don't get elected.

Even if you deny that you once were a witch.

-Christine O'Donnell, she's the witch, is she?

-That's a small crumb of comfort, isn't it?

In one particular election, the witch didn't win.

The witch who advocates that masturbation is a sin.

Not if you do it right.

It says on my card, "Campaigned vigorously against masturbation." Which seems...

the wrong way to go about a campaign against masturbation.

But the other people whose views are similarly bonkers did win.

There's been a huge swing to the... I suppose it's to the right,

but in America, everyone is more or less on the right.

Some people were pulling some pretty incredible stunts during the election.

-Some of the candidates. Did you read about any of these?

-Yes, but then I forgot about it, isn't it funny?

-Sharron Angle, Republican.

-Yes.

Said that under Obama two US towns were operating under sharia law.

It is a new form of democratic debate in America. Someone says something which isn't true.

Then someone points out it isn't true, then the other person says,

"But I believe it anyway." That's it, that's the Tea Party.

Fox News, fair and balanced.

I find that Fox News is rarely about foxes.

Unless you are including Sarah Palin, Ian, eh?!

There was Jack Conway, who was a democrat, who to asked THIS about his opponent,

the victorious Rand Paul...

Why do any of us do that?

This was a genuine TV broadcast from Linda McMahon, Republican.

She started the World Wrestling Federation with her husband

and thought THIS might help get her message across...

30 years ago, my husband and I started our business.

It wasn't always easy.

But we grew it into a publicly traded company

that's creating jobs here in Connecticut today.

It took hard work and perseverance.

'Washington could use some of that.'

I'm Linda McMahon.

I'm running for the US Senate and I approved this message

because it's time for something different.

Vote for me or I'll physically attack you.

I'm trustworthy because I'm violent.

You can see Harriet Harman doing that wrestling thing.

Or can YOU see Harriet Harman doing it?

Did you hear what political opponents said of Nikki Haley,

the victorious Republican candidate for Governor of Florida,

who's of Sikh origin?

Some distrust of the foreign?

Well, yeah, you've put your finger pretty near it! He said...

It's towel head.

Dickhead!

In the last US election, it was hockey moms.

Who are the rabid right-wing Republican Banshees these days?

-What are they called now?

-Mama grizzlies.

Mama grizzly and the tea party.

That does sound like a late 60s... California band.

It's not relevant, actually, but my first band was called Limp Willy and the Disappointments.

You don't want that to be your last band.

Sarah Palin said mama grizzlies are...

Ha! That's good.

When she was nominated for Vice President, the head of the Republican Party in Alaska was asked

what her qualifications for high office were. He paused and said...

"She's the right age, and she's an American citizen."

Can you tell me what the Tea Party motto is?

'I'm mad as well', isn't it? 'I'm mad and I don't care.' I'm making stuff up as it goes along.

-I thought it was more aggressive than that.

-How aggressive?

How about, 'Kill the black dude.' Something like that.

I think that's more an unofficial slogan.

It's...

Some Liberals have formed a rival to the Tea Party.

Can your vast intellect work out what they called it?

Is it called The Coffee Morning?

The Coffee Party.

Can you imagine what their slogan might be?

We're Very Bitter.

Change In An Instant.

Is this on?

What Blair-style tactic did Obama try recently?

Lying.

It wasn't. He has been going on easy TV shows.

This is him on the Daily Show. Slightly terrifying.

It looks like he is re-enacting the end of Return of the Jedi.

These are not the ratings you're looking for.

-How's Bill Clinton been helping?

-Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they've lost so badly?

It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you as a candidate".

-I think he'd be good for them, wouldn't he?

-You like Bill Clinton?

-I thought he seemed like a very nice man.

-Did you meet him?

-I met him once, yes.

Was he at one of your concerts?

No, he wasn't, he made me feel very special...

Did you keep the dry-cleaning receipt?

What was the event?

-Um... It was just a random dinner, as you do, dinner with Bill.

-Right.

Also, actually, at the dinner, Cher was there. She came up to me and said...

She said to me, "I want to tell you how much I really like your work

"and I'm really excited to meet you." I said, "Thanks so much." I felt very special.

Five minutes later she walked up and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else".

It is hard to come back from that. What did you say to her?

I told her to piss off.

Have you seen what Bush has been up to recently?

He's been tweeting a lot.

-I can't really get at anyone for that.

-Oh, do you tweet?

-Yeah.

-God, that's embarrassing.

There is someone pretending to be me out there,

which is even more tragic than being me.

I found someone pretending to be me. They didn't bother doing anything, except one entry

it said, round about June, "Time to get the barbecue out".

I was really disappointed.

This is what he's been up to, here he is. He's with his dad at a Texas Rangers baseball game.

There you go. Where's a Yemeni printer cartridge when you need one?

APPLAUSE

Round of applause for the suggestion of double murder!

I expect you're proud of yourselves.

Anybody got any views on the Yemeni bomb plot?

It was interesting that all these years that you've been searched and stopped in the airport

and you thought, "Thank goodness they're taking security measures."

Then someone says, "What about the cargo stuff?" "Oh, that!"

"Oh, cargo! Oh, God! How stupid!"

It's all right, the cargo doesn't have shoes or trouser belts.

You're standing behind them, they're rigorously searching an elderly woman in a wheelchair,

poking her and saying, "What have you got there?"

And then there's a package that says, "To the synagogue."

"That's fine, chuck it on board. That's fine."

"For the Jews." "Yeah, that can get loaded."

Wasn't there was another story about a bomb maker's brother,

he tried to blow someone up and he had a bomb up his bum

-and he split himself and he didn't kill who he was supposed to kill.

-I read that story. But that's...

-where you go if you're trying to hide a bomb.

-The Chatham pocket.

Rectum? It certainly did.

Rabbi Larry Edwards of the Chadash Synagogue said...

This is the poor showing by the Democrats in the US mid-term elections.

As evidence of his waning popularity,

the Guardian reported that at the Wolstein Centre in Cleveland...

Even worse, the biggest cheer he got was when he said,

"But enough of me, here's Wagner".

Isn't it "Vagner"?

Isn't it the X Factor, M'lord?

Ah, I am obliged.

On the eve of the election, Bill Clinton made his own contribution to the campaign.

According to the Times...

Including arousal, ecstasy, exhaustion and guilt.

And so to round two. As a tribute to James, we'll be concentrating

on some of the more beautiful aspects of this week's news.

So, here are some beautiful people who've been in the headlines.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

# You're beautiful... #

BUZZER

-I recognised the song!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Name that song in two.

I pressed the buzzer cos I wanted it to stop.

APPLAUSE

-What was the song?

-Sorry, I've forgotten, can we hear it again?

You can hear it again. Ker-ching! Ker-ching! Ker-ching!

Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

APPLAUSE

Did you just buzz to answer the question for the song or do you know the answer to the...

-Have I misunderstood how this works?

-OK.

What will happen is that a series of pictures will reveal themselves

including the one you can see in front of you now.

-I prefer the other game where we have to guess what the music is.

-Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Harriet Harman, who used to be Equalities Minister

and very keen on us not discriminating against anyone, came up with a ginger gag.

Against Danny Alexander, saying he was a ginger...

Rodent.

So, a double discrimination against rats...

-and people with ginger hair.

-Somebody in her family is a redhead

and she's got a sister that's a water vole.

And a cousin that's a pine martin. Have you ever seen a pine martin?

-They are ginger.

-Can we get a picture of a pine martin while the show's going on?

Bring up a picture and I'll go, "That's a pine martin."

Let's have a quick look at Harriet's first ever attempt at a joke.

Now, many of us in the Labour Party are conservationists

and we all love the red squirrel.

But there is one ginger rodent that we never want to see again

in the Highlands...

Danny Alexander.

It's a pretty clever place to make a joke about people with red hair,

Scotland, isn't it?

A Labour source said...

She was having a go at Danny because of his involvement in the cuts,

But to be fair, Cameron created one job this week.

He's got his own personal photographer,

so we're paying for photos of him looking nice.

Andy Parsons. Cameron's given his photographer a civil service job,

allowing him to take flattering pictures of the Prime Minister at our expense. Here he is in action...

That photo taken, obviously,

by the Prime Minster's personal photographer's personal photographer.

Some people have been a bit more generous about the coalition.

What did Downing Street reveal about Cameron this week?

The presents he got from other world leaders saying, "Congratulations, it's all going beautifully."

There was a tinkling bell, then.

Have I said the secret word of the night?

He's got a lot of presents. Berlusconi sent him a belly dancer.

-He would have sent him a watch. He sends watches.

-Yes, he does.

-He sends watches.

-That then get put on eBay.

-The Independent revealed...

-Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, how did he do?

-Did he get the bowl?

-He didn't get any presents.

-He got no presents at all.

Fingers on buzzers, teams...

# You're beautiful... #

BUZZER

This is the couple in the Maldives, that went for a ceremony

and they thought they were having a local native ceremony,

in the local native language. It was only when they took the video back home

and they realised they were being insulted in the most extraordinary manner

and everybody's had a laugh at them and they are crying somewhere in an attic somewhere in Wolverhampton.

As the happy couple smile shyly to each other, the man conducting the ceremony chants...

He then said, "You may kiss the infidel."

To add insult to injury, what other material did he draw on for the blessing?

He said, "Your testicles will always be dry,"

and then he revealed that was actually soup of the day.

At one point, according to the Mail...

One moving moment of the ceremony was the planting of a coconut tree by the happy couple.

As the bride tried to plant the tree, one man shouted...

Another was more blase, saying...

The resort manager tried to play down the incident. What did he say?

It happens all the time.

I wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't matter, it's all mumbo-jumbo.

He said...

This is the now infamous Maldives wedding ceremony.

The couple were surprised as there'd been no problems

with the hotel staff at the christening of their children Infidel Bastard and Foreign Scum.

Time now for the odd one out round.

Ian and James, your four are...

Sir Michael Caine,

Cassandra,

Nick Robinson,

and Bhagat the Parrot.

The parrot is the only one that says anything of any sense.

Very unfair on Cassandra.

Is this about prophecy?

Is it about making predictions that are wrong?

I'm just guessing.

You're running there, are you? There's a theme.

-I'm being a champion tosser.

-No, he's explaining the Budget.

It's Pancake Day.

APPLAUSE

Cassandra, she predicted that Troy fell, is that what...?

That's absolutely right. So she got it right.

Have you got anything right recently, Nick?

I think they make right predictions other than me.

OK, they've all made correct predictions, apart from Nick.

-Is the correct answer.

-Well done.

APPLAUSE

See, there we are, swings and roundabouts. Publicly humiliated on television,

then two points on a meaningless panel game.

-It's a win-win situation.

-It was worth it.

-It was worth it, absolutely.

They have all accurately predicted the future apart from Nick Robinson

who wrongly predicted the result of the Labour leadership contest

one minute before it was announced.

Let's remind ourselves, Nick, how you thought...

-This is seconds, seconds before it was announced.

-Do we have to?

'Our political editor, Nick Robinson, has been doing the maths and you have a prediction.'

'I do, it's that David Miliband will win and it is only a prediction. We don't know, let's stress that.

'If you went on the facial expressions, David's happy, Ed looks sad. But maybe they're good actors.'

-I heard the words, "We don't know."

-Yeah, I heard those as well.

-Yeah.

And, "It's only a prediction" Which suggests it was a prediction.

I'm just being literal, but...

Bhagat is the fortune telling parrot

hired by Russell Brand and Katie Perry to entertain guests at their recent wedding.

That's why you've not heard of it, Ian.

Apparently...

Which were then...

Of course they were(!)

They have all predicted the future apart from Nick Robinson

who, one minute before the result was announced,

inaccurately predicted that David Miliband would be leader.

If it was embarrassing for Nick, imagine how David Miliband felt.

He spent the next ten minutes trying to work out how to erase

the answer phone message he left his brother.

Michael Caine claims he predicted the 9/11 attacks in a book he was writing but never finished.

Caine is still planning to publish a novel, which has caused panic

at Waterstone's - they simply don't have enough reduced stickers.

According to legend, Cassandra successfully predicted a number of events.

She warned the Trojans about the deadly contents of the wooden horse,

although there was something of a clue in the fact that it came air freight from Yemen.

Paul and Nick, here's yours...

Katy Perry,

Kofi Annan,

C3PO and R2D2,

and James Blunt.

BUZZER

Is it cos Kofi's a nice dude who goes and does good things

to try and unite the world.

I wouldn't put myself in the same bracket as him necessarily,

but I go out and sing to the troops and that.

-And you are a nice dude.

-Thanks, Dad.

APPLAUSE

C...and C3PO

This has turned into the Jeremy Kyle show.

We've had the DNA results, here we are.

-Is it a peacekeeping, troop entertaining...

-It is not that.

I am the only one in there I wouldn't want to sleep with.

Even that little dustbin thing?!

It must happen sometimes.

Some of those kind of toys are the best ones.

Are you safe around peddle bins?

-We don't know.

-OK, they have all appeared on Sesame Street

apart from Katy Perry, whose duet with Elmo

was pulled from the show because her dress was deemed inappropriate.

New York magazine described the decision to cut Katy Perry as...

The former UN Secretary General appeared on the show in 2001.

Why was Kofi called on to Sesame Street?

-They were doing the letter K.

-Couldn't think of anyone else,

-"What begins with K?"

-He defused a conflict between Elmo and the other monsters when they argued over...

He sent in the Blue Berets, they didn't do much, they withdrew, the monsters killed each other.

That is basically right.

James appeared on the show in 2007.

# This shape was brilliant This shape was pure

# I saw three angles Of that I'm sure

# And I saw three pointy corners And then I saw three straight sides

# The top was very narrow And the base was, oh, so wide

# My triangle, my triangle

# So beautiful, it's true

# It must be those angles Put a smile on your face

# Not to mention the hypotenuse... #

APPLAUSE

It looks like a hostage tape. Were you being held hostage?

What was the song about originally, before it was about triangles?

-Tell him what it was about, James.

-Nothing to do with you.

-Not about a square, then?

It was about stalking...

APPLAUSE

James Blunt sang a version of You're Beautiful on Sesame Street.

Say what you like about the song, but without it

millions of single women would be sitting at home with their cats in silence.

Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication

Clowning Around, the magazine of the World Clown Association.

It looks like a nice, jolly cover, inside it's a tragic mess.

And we start with...

Football practice.

What publication is this from?

This is a silly game.

This is from Clowning Around.

-Do you subscribe?

-Um...

-He's been on the cover!

This is according to an article in Clowning Around

which goes on to say...

So why not do a mind numbingly tedious mime?

Next...

I am so Tory blue that some people think I'm an Avatar.

Punchable that people can't help themselves.

So full of shit...that some people actually notice it.

Paul was pretty close, the answer is...

Actually it is not some people... it's Charles Kennedy.

And it's not spit.

Next...

I would say get laid, but that seems like a shorter word than that.

Well, if you can't get laid at the 9th Biannual International Circus Festival of Budapest

there's something wrong with you.

It's a swingers paradise.

He didn't make anyone laugh.

Next...

Usual.

As pillaging makes a comeback.

This is according to the Lonely Planet Best In Travel 2011.

One of the notable attractions is...

Where you can wait all day for a bus

then one comes at once. Next...

Hello. How are you? We're ants.

We will not merge our army with the French?

No, it's British ants say, "Long live the queen."

According to the Telegraph...

Though even they draw the line at a hastily cobbled together coalition. Next...

Served five years in Parkhurst?

Pulled out.

Made a big public splash.

GROANING

Ah, now, that's the joke you've put together, not me.

-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

-The answer is...

The famous clown Emmett Kelly is now, sadly, deceased. He had an open coffin. Still has.

They can't close the lid because of his shoes. And finally...

Happiness.

-Is exactly correct!

-Is it?!

APPLAUSE

A wild guess.

So, if you're watching this show tonight in Norwich eating a medium Cheese Feast, then you, my friend,

are living the dream!

So, the final scores are Ian and James have five

-and Paul and Nick also have five.

-Oh, well done.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Embarrassed London Mayor caught with "oar".

APPLAUSE

And here's a bonus one.

That's a pine marten!

APPLAUSE

That's related to Harriet Harman.

And I leave you with news that parachute training begins

as the RAF plans to hit Afghanistan with our deadliest weapon yet...

In Devon, there are tragic consequences

when one of the stars of the Anchor butter advert is laid off...

And under constant threat,

Vladimir Putin and his wife admit they even wear camouflage when sitting on the sofa...

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

I'm terribly sorry about that interruption.

I had to go and take some cocaine.

So, let's do it again, let's do it again!

There's a man who's seen a documentary on cocaine.