Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Pleasure to see Charlie Higson here, his last TV appearance on the Harry and Paul Show

he was discussing whether I was queer or not.

-Did you go down as 'probable queer'?

-No, 'probable definite queer'.

This programme contains adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jo Brand.

In this news this week, in Westminster,

after the acceptance of his policy to get the workshy off benefits

and back to leading useful lives,

Iain Duncan Smith takes a night off to celebrate.

In a desperate bid to claw back Sunday evening viewers from Downton Abbey

the BBC auditions a new weathergirl.

And after 12 months in isolation in the wilds of Borneo,

a British zoologist finally finds out

that Nick Clegg has been made Deputy Prime Minister.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ohh!

On Ian Hislop's team is a Labour activist

and wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons,

whose regular use of Twitter has been described as,

"abandoning all attempts at dignity".

By Ann Widdecombe.

Ann, of course, last seen being winched through the air

dressed like a Quality Street.

-Please welcome Sally Bercow.

-APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton tonight is a writer and actor

who spent six years as a singer in a band.

He says he survived his early career

largely because of the free sandwiches and beer at gigs.

You and me both.

-Please welcome Charlie Higson.

-APPLAUSE

We start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Sally, take a look at this.

There's Duncan Smith, getting the unemployed working. Certainly worked for him.

There he is, clearing up some leaves. Excellent.

The Archbishop of Canterbury. Don't you love him?

-Very much so.

-Students.

-Before they started smashing windows.

Or breaking news, as it says there.

I was quite encouraged.

-I thought, "Blimey! Students - they've woken up!"

-AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

Yeah! The teaching budget's been cut,

they'll have to pay three times as much

and pay it back for the rest of their lives,

and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."

Well, the protest centred on Millbank.

-They attacked Tory HQ.

-Right, not Ed Millbank or David Millbank!

And it was a student protest

so it started to break up round about Countdown time.

Of course,

the Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,

which is great that they got in power and put it up.

Yeah.

They had no idea they were going to be in power...

when they made these promises.

APPLAUSE

How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror?

Just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.

There was also a very helpful police statement, which was...

Redefining the rule book there!

Shall we pop over to Iain Duncan Smith? What was his big proposal?

To make those in long-term unemployment

do a small amount of community work

in order to get them in the habit of doing something

rather than just sitting on the sofa, watching telly.

Bit of gardening, bit of light council work.

-The people who do those jobs will then get the sack.

-Yeah.

They'll be on the dole for six months and then get a job doing the gardening...

-You know how much they're going to earn?

-Pound an hour.

-Pound an hour.

-Top whack.

-Yes.

-Really?

More than twice the going rate for nine-year-old Romanian fruit-pickers.

Why would anyone want to pick nine-year-old Romanian fruit?

The Archbishop of Canterbury said it's very demeaning

that people should have to go to work sweeping the streets.

So all the people who go to work sweeping the streets are thinking, "That's nice(!)"

You in your posh hat and your fancy curly stick.

-Actually, someone did have a go back at him

-Really?

-Yes.

-Do you know who it was?

-Was it Satan?

-He's Satan in human guise!

-Yes.

-Lord Tebbit.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

A interesting legal point cos I had no idea who I was talking about when I made that statement.

Are you worried Satan's going to sue?

The Government is supporting Duncan Smith's proposal. A spokesman gave a quote. He said -

At which point the journalist shrugged and went, "no, sorry, you've lost me there."

Said the stand-up.

LOUD LAUGHTER

How dare you?!

-Actress.

-I went for a job once playing a character based on myself

and I was so shit I didn't get it.

That's how good my acting is.

-Shall we talk about Phil Woolas?

-Yes!

-He's been in trouble this week.

Phil Woolas was found guilty of lying in his election literature

and was banned from being a Member of Parliament.

But he's appealing...

Only to you.

He wasn't just banned, we had a by-election overturned.

The will of the people for the first time in nearly 100 years, the judges have said, "no."

He behaved so badly we're going to have the by-election again. Except we're not.

-Are we?

-No, not at the moment. No.

-Because of you.

-No.

-Is it not true?

-No.

-If you read the Mail On Sunday and the Daily Mail you would...

-And the Telegraph!

-And the Telegraph!

-And there was a bit in the Guardian and a bit in the Indy...

No, no, no. It's only the right-wing media.

-They take the view that I am behind the scenes influencing my husband.

-Are you not?

No! I wish.

So his decision to suspend having the by-election

in order to give Phil another chance which is what you said over the weekend...

But that's just coincidence. Great minds think alike.

Anyone married here believe that?

No, we're not getting this by-election.

Mr Woolas, despite the judge's finding he did lie about his opponent

and make things up about them,

they've decided he's going to have his chance to appeal again.

Well, the people of Oldham also, it was their verdict in the general election...

-Yes!

-And it's been overturned by these judges, for the first time in 99 years.

-It's a big event, isn't it?

-It's a worrying precedent.

-Yeah.

-You can't have judges interfering.

-No.

-They'd start putting MPs in jail.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Shall we hear what the Times had to say?

-Yes, let's have a sensible, unbiased, right-wing Murdoch view.

They said...

..your husband... "And the influence of his wife."

Sally, anything to say before we have you ducked in the village pond?

-Did they actually know... You know you went on the Politics Show...

-Yes.

Did they know who you were on it? I don't know if you've seen this.

'Treasury Chief Secretary, Danny Alexander.'

-Have you not seen that?

-Who knew I had ginger hair?

-I knew I'd seen you before somewhere.

-No, I haven't seen that.

Oh, you're much more influential than him.

One of the most powerful women in the country. I'm really privileged today.

-I can just whisper stuff and it'll happen in two days' time.

-No, no, no, no!

Phil Woolas was expelled from Labour who are not funding his legal costs.

-Harriet Harman was very critical. Did anyone see what she said?

-Yes!

She said, "We're not backing people who lie in order to win elections."

This is the party of Tony Blair!

APPLAUSE

If Phil Woolas's political career is over

will he be missed, do you think?

-I'd never heard of him!

-No.

Charlie's not going to miss him.

I don't think I'll miss him either.

-He's famous.

-What for?

-He got jumped on by Joanna Lumley about the Gurkhas.

-That's right.

-REPORTER:

-Are you reassured?

The minister has explained and...

um...and I think we're all agreed that we're going to be able to help

in the formation of new guidelines...

That'll be wonderful.

These will be guidelines which will be completed by July.

And the 1,500 cases will be looked at, we understand, most sympathetically.

Yeah...

APPLAUSE

This week it emerged that one of Cameron's advisers had a little chat with the police last Thursday.

-Andy Coulson.

-Yes.

-Andy Coulson, Cameron's communications chief

over the phone-tapping affair that dates back to when Coulson was editor of the News Of The World.

He says that even though journalists were hacking phones, as editor he had no idea.

I mean, why would you?

Someone comes up with a story, you'd say, "That's brilliant. I won't ask where you got that."

-Straight in the paper.

-He continues to deny it, although one of his deputies at the paper pointed out -

Who to believe(?)

Well, it's one thing or the other.

Either he's a totally incompetent editor who has no idea what's happening on his newspaper,

or he isn't.

-Just ask the News Of The World to tap his phone and we can find out if he's guilty or not.

-Yeah.

You tweeted in September, apparently, "Surely Coulson is set to

-"spend more time with his family." Do you think he is?

-I do and I hope so.

Why do you tweet? What's in it for you?

Why do I tweet? It's fun, actually.

-Is it?

-Yes, it's fun and enjoyable. You should try it.

No.

LAUGHTER

That rules it out for Paul!

It's a bit like water-skiing. It looks fun, but it's for other people

So who reads it, apart from researchers?

Well, mainly the media and the Daily Mail, I think.

-Is that why you do it? Is it a sado-masochistic thing?

-Kind of, yeah.

I kind of like to take the piss out of the Mail a bit.

It's to save Andy Coulson the time actually of bugging her phone.

I got into trouble for tweeting about the Pope, actually.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, that was my biggest faux pas...

Did he send round the heavies?

That blind albino monk?

-Was it considered unsuitable behaviour?

-Unsuitable behaviour for the Speaker's wife,

I should be handing out cucumber sandwiches and making cups of tea.

Well, that's certainly a point.

LAUGHTER

Ian Hislop, an arch-traditionalist!

You're doing my head in, I can't cope!

Meanwhile, Gordon Brown was caught masquerading as his wife

this weekend. He took over his wife's Twitter account on Sunday.

She went from two million followers to about six.

It was apparently to show his support for democracy in Burma.

That'll bring down the junta, won't it?

Did you tweet at him?

-I did tweet at him.

-What did you tweet at him?

-I can't remember, to be honest with you.

Well, I can.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's all right.

-Your researchers are too good.

-Yeah, I know.

Thank God it's not me, cos I'd be looking in Woman's Own, going, "Oh, that's an interesting recipe."

You said, "Good to have you on here, Gordon, and for a great cause too."

-Oh, that's quite...Yeah.

-Some other people were less supportive.

Someone called Lewis Coyne tweeted -

And here's Duncan Weston -

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Sounds unlikely you'll let your husband take over your Twitter.

-No, I wouldn't, no.

-Fair enough.

-He used to be a Tory, don't forget.

-What is he now?

-He's impartial.

-Oh, right.

-The day he became Speaker,

he had to stop being a Conservative MP. Saddest day of his life, obviously.

He no longer has any views,

apart from those of his wi... Oh!

No!

LAUGHTER

No!

Jolly unfair!

Where are those cucumber sandwiches?

I'll pop out and make you some in a minute.

Can I have a cake?

Yeah, in your face!

It makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwich is going, but...

Possibly sphincter-ways...

That's near Chiswick, isn't it?

That's near Chiswick.

Ring road. Oh, sorry!

-LAUGHTER

-I'm sorry!

-Shall we move away from the...

-I think so!

..from the anal?

Tony Blair's... Oh, we haven't!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tony Blair's been busy this week.

-It's toilet paper, isn't it?

-It is!

He's agreed to give an after-dinner speech

to a manufacturer of toilet paper for 50 grand.

It's a sad end to a career!

-They've got an acronym...

-ISSA.

International...Sanitary...

Services...Anal.

In brackets.

It's on the outside of their building, they get a lot of complaints.

OK, let's do another Labour leader, then, shall we?

Ed Miliband.

-Had a baby.

-That's right, but there was a certain lack of humility in Ed's announcement at the hospital.

We will be announcing the name in the coming days,

but he's really gorgeous,

he looks a bit like me, er...

LAUGHTER

You know the joke about the bloke who can't bear to be at the birth

and he gets drunk and phones the hospital and gets the cricket ground by mistake?

He says, "What's the latest?" and they say, "All ten are out and the last two were ducks."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Shall we have some happy news?

-We just had some, we had a baby.

-Well, yes, I suppose that...Yeah.

-You're not against babies, are you?

-No, I'm not but, as a woman, when you've had a baby,

-you don't feel quite as joyful as your husband, who's half pissed on his way to the pub.

-I know.

You look like shit, you feel like shit and you want to stay in for 27 years.

You've got the baby to keep you company.

The weird thing is, when you've had a baby, your husband wants to have sex with you straight away.

-Well, it's a bed.

-Mine had to be removed from the birthing pool by security.

-A sad sight.

-It was sad, absolutely.

-Terrible story!

-It's not true, Ian.

-I know!

It was by the police.

Some happy news this week from Ireland.

Their government has worked out what it is that every recession-hit family needs.

-Which is?

-Cheese. The Irish politician sometimes is a strange breed.

Everybody's going to be given a piece of cheese.

Free cheese from the government.

I don't know whether it will be pushed through your letterbox

or given to the dog to take home.

Apparently, you have to collect it from your local leisure centre.

How long has the leisure centre been making cheese?

What did Jeremy Paxman call this on Newsnight?

Cheesegate?

Right, this is the latest proposal from Iain Duncan Smith at the Ministry for Work and Pensions,

or as it'll soon be known, the Ministry for No Work and Hardly Any Pensions.

Under coalition plans, unemployed people will be made to pick up all the litter in the streets,

which these days is mostly ripped-up copies of the Lib Dem manifesto.

ISOLATED CLAPPING

Thank you for that one round of applause!

Paddy Ashdown.

On a happier note, congratulations to Ed Miliband,

who this week heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet

as Hazel Blears popped round to see the new baby.

Yes, Ed has just provided his 17-month-old son Daniel

with a younger brother.

I say younger brother,

I mean deadly career rival.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Charlie, here's yours.

OK. Ah, yes, George, clearly, George Bush...

making... Oh.

Er, David Cameron in China.

-Obama, I think he's in India.

-Oh, God.

Yes, this is coconuts and Obama.

The Indian authorities were worried that a coconut might fall off a tree

and hit him and they didn't want him involved in a slapstick accident

that would become popular on YouTube, so they cut the coconuts off the trees

and got rid of all banana skins on pavements

and advised every person carrying a plank not to turn round quickly...

LAUGHTER

..within 50 metres of the presidential visit.

Did they ban people from crossing the road with invisible panes of glass?

-Exactly.

-I was impressed that his dancing was worse than George Bush's.

-Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about him.

-He's obviously trying to prove to the American people

that he's not too black by dancing like a white man.

-I think it's a bit unfair on white people, to be honest.

-Well...

This is the publication of former President George W Bush's memoirs.

He was talking about waterboarding, he said it was perfectly right

to do this because "my job is to protect America," is what he said.

He said waterboarding was perfectly legal.

In fact, he and Laura enjoyed a nice waterboarding holiday in the Everglades recently.

They use this term "simulated drowning". That's something you watch on a video game.

When someone's having water poured into you, you are drowning.

-It's not simulated.

-It doesn't actually go in.

-Doesn't it?

-No.

-It stays on something over your face.

-Oh, really?

-But you believe you're drowning.

And everybody else who has a view says it's torture.

Well, it's the leisure activity of choice in Guantanamo Bay.

-And in Dulwich. Um...

-LAUGHTER

-Not much to do in Dulwich, though.

-I tried it on my husband, he didn't like it much.

Do you know who Junior Birdman is?

He's the son of Birdman.

He probably is but he's also Bush's ghost writer.

He gets the drawings and turns them into words.

And what does George say was his toughest decision?

-Giving up alcohol?

-It was indeed.

Which is the one decision we all wish he hadn't made.

And he's a perfect example... well, he's an advert

for the benefits of mass intoxication.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, he said about giving up drinking...

I don't think we can quite grasp what that must have been like.

Why did he say he hasn't been critical of Obama?

-He has not idea who he is?

-What he actually said was...

-It means to blow out a lot of hot air.

-LAUGHTER

He does use a few weird words - sockdolager.

That's a glove puppet, isn't it? Sockdolager.

That's something unusually hard and heavy - me, in other words.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

-Paddy Ashdown again.

-He gets around, doesn't he?

-He does, he's moving about.

-He's over there now.

It's his old SAS training, isn't it?

Moves like a panther, apparently.

And how did Bush, according to his book, avoid bugs in a hotel rooms?

Slept on the roof.

Like a bloody idiot.

That's the height of my political satire.

-Did he say nothing, to fool the bugs?

-No, it's brilliant what he did.

His security men would take a tent wherever they went,

set it up in the room and he would sit inside and chat in it.

Inside some soundproof canvas?

Wow!

-I think it wasn't made of canvas.

-Wasn't it?

-No.

I don't know what's soundproof... Lead or...

Somebody had to get a lead tent up to the fourth floor?

I don't know, I'm not necessarily...

Who's the lead tent for, guvnor?" "It's the President on the fourth floor."

-Where's Dave at the moment?

-He's in China.

He's going to talk about human rights briefly in a speech that nobody will have translated

and in response we will organise business arrangements with them.

-That is...

-And they're going to build 56 airports in the next five years.

I was there once and it's a bit disturbing because all the airports are the same.

You'd land at the same place you took off from two hours earlier.

The Coca-Cola machine is in exactly the same place, it's all the same.

You wouldn't expect that of China, would you?

Who did Dave take with him to China?

His specially commissioned photographer, paid to photograph him in all his loveliness.

And a big trade delegation of wealthy businessmen to sign big trade deals for British companies.

Companies like Clyde Blowers.

They're one of the biggest bloviating companies in the world.

So, on this vitally important trade mission, who did the papers concentrate on?

-Oh, the Jimmy Choo woman.

-Yes, the Jimmy Choo shoe woman,

-Tamara Melon.

-She's a trade ambassador for Cameron and the coalition.

-What type of shoes?

High, glamorous shoes, mainly.

Stilettos, they're very useful in the rice paddies for, um...

making holes.

There we are, a typical Chinese paddy field worker.

Sitting in Europe's biggest champagne glass.

Cameron's been appointing quite a lot of people to jobs recently.

He's given this person a job, who looks quite glamorous.

She's Anna Maren Ashford, who used to be head of brand communication for the Tories.

She's now heading up the behavioural insight team in the Cabinet Office.

She's got her work cut out then, hasn't she?

What's it responsible for, any idea?

-Is it PR?

-Well, it's -

What, in the cabinet?

She's waterboarding, basically.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's International Statesman Week.

George Bush has just published his memoirs called Decision Points.

Bush's book was ghost written by speech writer Christopher Michel who said the morning he got the job:

..which began, "Dear Mr Google, how come you know so much stuff?"

LAUGHTER

Bush even claims to have had a heated argument with Cherie Blair about the death penalty,

but ultimately he convinced her that Gordon Brown deserved to live.

David Cameron met with China's premier Wen Jiabao.

The issues of human rights and forced labour were briefly raised

but Cameron brushed it aside, saying, "The unemployed SHOULD pick up litter."

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER SALLY: Queen's on Facebook.

-Yeah.

-I don't think you can be her friend on Facebook.

-I think you can only be a fan or a subject.

-That's right.

Is she conducting a video conference there?

LAUGHTER

-Do you know what Facebook is, Ian?

-Yes, I do know what...

-It's the one that's not Twitter.

-Yeah.

Tweeting is for the older, more discerning wastrel.

What's her status, is it 'reigning'?

Apparently, she doesn't update her status, lazy old bag.

The sorts of things she puts on her Facebook page...

Apparently, basically a fan page

based on the daily Court Circular listings.

Blimey.

Oh, I think I've just come.

I'm sorry, that won't get out. They'll edit that.

Sorry, Ian.

You didn't take much of a run-up.

We old ladies have to be quick about it.

Does anyone know what pleasure the Queen will be denying her followers?

-Oh, yes! Poking.

-That's right.

-What?!

-They won't be able to poke her.

-Won't they?

-No.

All they'll be able to do is... "like" whatever she says she's up to.

Do you think she's got a wall full of pictures of her and Philip, drunk, going...?

I'd join Facebook if she did.

Also this week, lots of royal trivia was revealed in a new book -

We Are Amused: A Royal Miscellany.

-Shall we play a little mini monarchy quiz?

-Definitely.

Question one, what does the Queen absolutely hate and can spot at 20 paces?

Prince Philip.

APPLAUSE

Clip-on bow ties.

What did Prince Philip invent to keep the Queen happy?

BUZZER

ITV?

No. The Queen hates the sound of ice cubes banging against each other in her gin and Dubonnet.

So Philip...

What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?

Hiding in a chimney.

Making blancmanges.

Straining oxtail soup through her tights.

Could be anything, couldn't it?

Apparently she enjoys trying to catch bats in the...

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute, it gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net on it.

LAUGHTER

Is the footman on the end of the pole?

And finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?

LAUGHTER

Who's going to resist it?

-I resisted it!

-Me, too.

-I'm not going there.

-All right, it's -

You can't call her that!

That's not fair.

APPLAUSE

This is the news that the Queen now has a page on Facebook.

No doubt the Queen has been inundated with requests from old schoolfriends

keen to meet up. "So sad we lost touch. What are you up to these days?

"Tell me you didn't marry that Greek tit."

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes, this is clearly the BBC News strike

because of the pension arrangements.

I didn't see any of it but people stepped in and read the news

and, in some cases, making it up.

There was an extraordinary desperation because a lot of programmes went off the air.

And one night, they couldn't put on Newsnight

and instead they showed an old episode of Have I Got News For You?

Sad!

What was the episode?

1910.

A lot of Kaiser gags in there.

"Yeah, you and whose army, mate?"

How did Jeremy Paxman anticipate the strike would affect things on Newsnight the following night?

Shall we have a look?

I don't think we need detain you any longer.

Tomorrow night... I've no idea what's happening tomorrow night, so good night.

APPLAUSE

The economics editor of Newsnight was on the picket line, Paul Mason. PHONE RINGS

Phone's ringing.

PHONE RINGS

APPLAUSE

"Take the Viagra now."

If you don't swallow it, you get a stiff neck.

It's all right, we've got plenty of time.

I'm very sorry. Can someone get rid of this thing?

I can't work it at all.

-Don't you know how to turn your own phone off?

-No.

Can you go and throw that away?

Sorry.

-That's all right.

-I didn't even know I had it in my pocket.

A phone that you've never seen before rings?

This is the beginning of some sort of spy mystery, or something.

-Let's move on and pretend it never happened.

-It was a break from the enduring tedium of this news quiz.

-What's the next bit?

-I did tell Her Majesty "don't ring me at work."

Now, the BBC weather presenter Tomasz Schafernaker caused a storm this week.

-Any ideas what he did?

-What, he CAUSED a storm? Personally?

He outraged viewers.

-Did he?

-He presented his weather bulletin wearing jeans and a V-neck jumper.

-Ooh!

Here he is, look.

-Was he the guy that gave the V-sign to one of the presenters?

-Yes, ish.

-When he thought he was out of the shot.

-He was recently caught, live on air,

making a rude gesture.

Now we'll have the weather forecast in a minute and, of course,

it'll be 100% accurate and provide all the detail you could possibly want.

I've just seen Tomasz Schafernaker preparing for it

so I'm not entir...

-Oh!

-Every now and then there's only one mistake. That was it.

Wasn't he suggesting there was a cyclone expected in the Midlands?

He should have just pretended he was checking which way the wind was blowing!

Which means at the end of this round it's Ian and Sally 3, Paul and Charlie with 3.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the odd one out.

Your four are Prince William,

a passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver.

the Stig and the players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.

-BUZZER

-The football claimed to be representing Togo but they weren't,

they went to play an international match but they weren't the national team.

they were rather embarrassed, they lost quite heavily.

I think this is about people using different identities

-or pretending to have another identity.

-Or is it identities being revealed? The Stig...

His identity was revealed.

The guy on the top right, that's actually a young man

but he sneaked onto a flight from...Was it China? Hong Kong or somewhere.

He went to the toilet and came back as a young man and sat down.

Tried to blame it on the Nivea.

Moisturising.

Do we think Prince William's the odd one out?

-No, you're in the right area but no.

-Let's guess someone else.

The man on the top right is the only one trying to pass himself off as Rupert Murdoch.

-Let's go for the Stig.

-Let's go for the Stig.

We're going to go for the Stig.

-Correct!

-Wahey!

Well done but we don't know why.

APPLAUSE

They've all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig,

who did so, much to the dismay of the Top Gear team.

The BBC recently lost an injunction preventing racing car driver Ben Collins, aka the Stig,

from revealing himself in his autobiography.

The high court judge ruled that -

In other words, who cares?

This summer Prince William concealed his identity during a visit to McColl's mini-market

in Blaenau Ffestiniog, Wales.

What did the cashier say when Prince William approached the till?

Hello, Your Majesty.

Shop assistant Sioned Compton said -

To which he replied -

Cunning.

She said -

Cos he probably wasn't, love.

A passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver, as you said.

Shall we have a look at how he transformed himself?

That's sort of what he actually looked like.

And here he is in his crafty disguise.

Something I plan to do myself at some point in the evening.

The players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.

After a friendly between Togo and Bahrain it emerged the Togolese team

weren't exactly who they said they were.

What first around suspicions?

-They were awful. They couldn't play football.

-That's right.

The Bahrainian team coach whose side won the fixture 3-0

was surprised by the poor quality of the Togolese team, saying they had-

Obviously, I would make a clever comparison to the England team's performance at the World Cup

but sadly, it turns out I don't really give a shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So they have all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig.

Sources at Top Gear say -

In fact, he's since received death threats.

Well, Richard Hammond offered him a lift home.

Prince William recently tried to conceal his identity while shopping with Kate Middleton in Wales.

The royal couple's shopping bill came to £12.60, the most ever spent in McColl's mini-market

in Blaenau Ffestiniog since Prince Harry cleaned them out of vodka and Rizlas.

Time now for the missing words round, which features, as its guest publication, Rat & Mouse Magazine.

Available in vivisection laboratory receptions everywhere.

And we start with...

Is it, "If I was a boxer..."?

LAUGHTER

This is MP Paul Farrelly, who had an altercation with a newspaper vendor this week.

It's the worst brawl in the House of Commons bar

since John Prescott and Eric Pickles

had a disagreement over who should have the last packet of pork scratchings.

It's nice to see they're merging Eric Pickles into John Prescott.

-It's a double act. Prescott will be eased out as...

-Adjust the fat jokes for him.

What about Eamonn Holmes? Where's he gone?

He complained about Jon Culshaw doing an impression of him and suggesting that he was fat.

-Yes.

-And he got an apology from the BBC, Eamonn Holmes.

-Really?

So you're not allowed to mention his size in any way at all.

It was a very funny sketch.

He used to eat the sofa and then the guests would come in and Eamonn would have eaten the guests.

It's a basic joke, cos he's rather overweight, which he is...

So maybe we can bring that answer into... Because they'll have to use this round.

So if every answer is "Eamonn Holmes is overweight,"

-then we've made a point... or resigned, one way or the other!

-OK. Right, your next one.

Imitate an overweight Eamonn Holmes!

No - raise money for charity.

According to Rat & Mouse magazine, their German owner is planning

on bringing their stunt mouse show on tour to the UK next summer.

So if you didn't get tickets for Take That, don't worry.

-Shall we have another one?

-Yes, go on, then.

A seventh course? Er, no, thanks!

Not mentioning anybody at all that it might refer to.

CHARLIE: Another sofa?

No mention... We'll get away with it.

It's...

This is a United Nations report on the best places in the world to live.

According to the list, Australia is the second best place to live in the world,

and New Zealand is the third. So here's a thought.

Why don't you all piss off home and get a job in your own pubs?

OK, next.

CHARLIE: 50p off.

Co-op boobs revealed as simply painted melons.

Well, the answer is...

This is the shopper who was charged £1.79 for a 79p pepper

because the cashier's breasts were resting on the scales.

Good job I wasn't serving. It would have cost her 40 quid!

-Even worse, the cashier was a bloke!

-Oh, dear.

Next -

SALLY: Rats! Where's the Pope?

Ratzinger. That was his name.

Bear is shitting in the woods but where's the Pope?

The answer is -

The Pope was photographed in Barcelona covered in smoke.

According the Express, the Pope's presence prompted around 100 gay men to stage a -

The Pope was disgusted - some of them were over 16 and all were consenting.

APPLAUSE

And finally -

Bursts.

Teaches yoga.

Yoda...

Yoda classes for dyslexics at Stroud leisure centre.

This is Yoda Reeves, 29, who's described by the Sun as a bachelor.

Mmm, big surprise not, it is.

So the final scores are - Ian and Sally have 4

-and Paul and Charlie have 5!

-Wey-hey!

-Well done.

That was your explaining about that bloke... Yeah.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Man bouncing off Eamonn Holmes' stomach creates new Guinness World Record.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Sally Bercow,

Paul Merton and Charlie Higson,

and I leave you with news that in central London

news gets out that Ed Miliband's new baby is keeping him up all night...

In a bid to liven up his train journey home,

one bored commuter sees how many peanuts he can get on target...

And in Beijing zoo, as two pandas fail once again to mate,

there's some unnecessary taunting from the cage next door...

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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