Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 5

Extended version of the classic news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Jo Brand and guest panelists Sally Bercow and Charlie Higson.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Pleasure to see Charlie Higson here, his last TV appearance on the Harry and Paul Show

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he was discussing whether I was queer or not.

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-Did you go down as 'probable queer'?

-No, 'probable definite queer'.

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This programme contains adult humour.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Jo Brand.

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In this news this week, in Westminster,

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after the acceptance of his policy to get the workshy off benefits

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and back to leading useful lives,

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Iain Duncan Smith takes a night off to celebrate.

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In a desperate bid to claw back Sunday evening viewers from Downton Abbey

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the BBC auditions a new weathergirl.

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And after 12 months in isolation in the wilds of Borneo,

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a British zoologist finally finds out

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that Nick Clegg has been made Deputy Prime Minister.

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Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

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Ohh!

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On Ian Hislop's team is a Labour activist

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and wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons,

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whose regular use of Twitter has been described as,

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"abandoning all attempts at dignity".

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By Ann Widdecombe.

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Ann, of course, last seen being winched through the air

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dressed like a Quality Street.

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-Please welcome Sally Bercow.

-APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a writer and actor

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who spent six years as a singer in a band.

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He says he survived his early career

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largely because of the free sandwiches and beer at gigs.

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You and me both.

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-Please welcome Charlie Higson.

-APPLAUSE

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We start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Sally, take a look at this.

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There's Duncan Smith, getting the unemployed working. Certainly worked for him.

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There he is, clearing up some leaves. Excellent.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury. Don't you love him?

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-Very much so.

-Students.

-Before they started smashing windows.

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Or breaking news, as it says there.

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I was quite encouraged.

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-I thought, "Blimey! Students - they've woken up!"

-AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

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Yeah! The teaching budget's been cut,

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they'll have to pay three times as much

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and pay it back for the rest of their lives,

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and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."

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Well, the protest centred on Millbank.

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-They attacked Tory HQ.

-Right, not Ed Millbank or David Millbank!

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And it was a student protest

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so it started to break up round about Countdown time.

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Of course,

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the Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,

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which is great that they got in power and put it up.

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Yeah.

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They had no idea they were going to be in power...

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when they made these promises.

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APPLAUSE

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How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror?

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Just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.

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There was also a very helpful police statement, which was...

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Redefining the rule book there!

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Shall we pop over to Iain Duncan Smith? What was his big proposal?

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To make those in long-term unemployment

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do a small amount of community work

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in order to get them in the habit of doing something

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rather than just sitting on the sofa, watching telly.

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Bit of gardening, bit of light council work.

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-The people who do those jobs will then get the sack.

-Yeah.

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They'll be on the dole for six months and then get a job doing the gardening...

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-You know how much they're going to earn?

-Pound an hour.

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-Pound an hour.

-Top whack.

-Yes.

-Really?

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More than twice the going rate for nine-year-old Romanian fruit-pickers.

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Why would anyone want to pick nine-year-old Romanian fruit?

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The Archbishop of Canterbury said it's very demeaning

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that people should have to go to work sweeping the streets.

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So all the people who go to work sweeping the streets are thinking, "That's nice(!)"

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You in your posh hat and your fancy curly stick.

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-Actually, someone did have a go back at him

-Really?

-Yes.

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-Do you know who it was?

-Was it Satan?

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-He's Satan in human guise!

-Yes.

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-Lord Tebbit.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

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A interesting legal point cos I had no idea who I was talking about when I made that statement.

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Are you worried Satan's going to sue?

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The Government is supporting Duncan Smith's proposal. A spokesman gave a quote. He said -

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At which point the journalist shrugged and went, "no, sorry, you've lost me there."

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Said the stand-up.

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LOUD LAUGHTER

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How dare you?!

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-Actress.

-I went for a job once playing a character based on myself

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and I was so shit I didn't get it.

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That's how good my acting is.

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-Shall we talk about Phil Woolas?

-Yes!

-He's been in trouble this week.

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Phil Woolas was found guilty of lying in his election literature

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and was banned from being a Member of Parliament.

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But he's appealing...

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Only to you.

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He wasn't just banned, we had a by-election overturned.

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The will of the people for the first time in nearly 100 years, the judges have said, "no."

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He behaved so badly we're going to have the by-election again. Except we're not.

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-Are we?

-No, not at the moment. No.

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-Because of you.

-No.

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-Is it not true?

-No.

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-If you read the Mail On Sunday and the Daily Mail you would...

-And the Telegraph!

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-And the Telegraph!

-And there was a bit in the Guardian and a bit in the Indy...

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No, no, no. It's only the right-wing media.

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-They take the view that I am behind the scenes influencing my husband.

-Are you not?

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No! I wish.

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So his decision to suspend having the by-election

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in order to give Phil another chance which is what you said over the weekend...

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But that's just coincidence. Great minds think alike.

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Anyone married here believe that?

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No, we're not getting this by-election.

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Mr Woolas, despite the judge's finding he did lie about his opponent

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and make things up about them,

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they've decided he's going to have his chance to appeal again.

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Well, the people of Oldham also, it was their verdict in the general election...

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-Yes!

-And it's been overturned by these judges, for the first time in 99 years.

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-It's a big event, isn't it?

-It's a worrying precedent.

-Yeah.

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-You can't have judges interfering.

-No.

-They'd start putting MPs in jail.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Shall we hear what the Times had to say?

-Yes, let's have a sensible, unbiased, right-wing Murdoch view.

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They said...

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..your husband... "And the influence of his wife."

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Sally, anything to say before we have you ducked in the village pond?

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-Did they actually know... You know you went on the Politics Show...

-Yes.

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Did they know who you were on it? I don't know if you've seen this.

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'Treasury Chief Secretary, Danny Alexander.'

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-Have you not seen that?

-Who knew I had ginger hair?

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-I knew I'd seen you before somewhere.

-No, I haven't seen that.

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Oh, you're much more influential than him.

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One of the most powerful women in the country. I'm really privileged today.

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-I can just whisper stuff and it'll happen in two days' time.

-No, no, no, no!

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Phil Woolas was expelled from Labour who are not funding his legal costs.

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-Harriet Harman was very critical. Did anyone see what she said?

-Yes!

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She said, "We're not backing people who lie in order to win elections."

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This is the party of Tony Blair!

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APPLAUSE

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If Phil Woolas's political career is over

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will he be missed, do you think?

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-I'd never heard of him!

-No.

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Charlie's not going to miss him.

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I don't think I'll miss him either.

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-He's famous.

-What for?

-He got jumped on by Joanna Lumley about the Gurkhas.

-That's right.

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-REPORTER:

-Are you reassured?

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The minister has explained and...

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um...and I think we're all agreed that we're going to be able to help

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in the formation of new guidelines...

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That'll be wonderful.

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These will be guidelines which will be completed by July.

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And the 1,500 cases will be looked at, we understand, most sympathetically.

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Yeah...

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APPLAUSE

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This week it emerged that one of Cameron's advisers had a little chat with the police last Thursday.

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-Andy Coulson.

-Yes.

-Andy Coulson, Cameron's communications chief

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over the phone-tapping affair that dates back to when Coulson was editor of the News Of The World.

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He says that even though journalists were hacking phones, as editor he had no idea.

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I mean, why would you?

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Someone comes up with a story, you'd say, "That's brilliant. I won't ask where you got that."

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-Straight in the paper.

-He continues to deny it, although one of his deputies at the paper pointed out -

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Who to believe(?)

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Well, it's one thing or the other.

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Either he's a totally incompetent editor who has no idea what's happening on his newspaper,

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or he isn't.

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-Just ask the News Of The World to tap his phone and we can find out if he's guilty or not.

-Yeah.

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You tweeted in September, apparently, "Surely Coulson is set to

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-"spend more time with his family." Do you think he is?

-I do and I hope so.

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Why do you tweet? What's in it for you?

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Why do I tweet? It's fun, actually.

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-Is it?

-Yes, it's fun and enjoyable. You should try it.

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No.

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LAUGHTER

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That rules it out for Paul!

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It's a bit like water-skiing. It looks fun, but it's for other people

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So who reads it, apart from researchers?

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Well, mainly the media and the Daily Mail, I think.

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-Is that why you do it? Is it a sado-masochistic thing?

-Kind of, yeah.

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I kind of like to take the piss out of the Mail a bit.

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It's to save Andy Coulson the time actually of bugging her phone.

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I got into trouble for tweeting about the Pope, actually.

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah, that was my biggest faux pas...

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Did he send round the heavies?

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That blind albino monk?

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-Was it considered unsuitable behaviour?

-Unsuitable behaviour for the Speaker's wife,

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I should be handing out cucumber sandwiches and making cups of tea.

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Well, that's certainly a point.

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LAUGHTER

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Ian Hislop, an arch-traditionalist!

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You're doing my head in, I can't cope!

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Meanwhile, Gordon Brown was caught masquerading as his wife

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this weekend. He took over his wife's Twitter account on Sunday.

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She went from two million followers to about six.

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It was apparently to show his support for democracy in Burma.

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That'll bring down the junta, won't it?

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Did you tweet at him?

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-I did tweet at him.

-What did you tweet at him?

-I can't remember, to be honest with you.

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Well, I can.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-It's all right.

-Your researchers are too good.

-Yeah, I know.

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Thank God it's not me, cos I'd be looking in Woman's Own, going, "Oh, that's an interesting recipe."

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You said, "Good to have you on here, Gordon, and for a great cause too."

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-Oh, that's quite...Yeah.

-Some other people were less supportive.

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Someone called Lewis Coyne tweeted -

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And here's Duncan Weston -

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Sounds unlikely you'll let your husband take over your Twitter.

-No, I wouldn't, no.

-Fair enough.

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-He used to be a Tory, don't forget.

-What is he now?

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-He's impartial.

-Oh, right.

-The day he became Speaker,

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he had to stop being a Conservative MP. Saddest day of his life, obviously.

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He no longer has any views,

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apart from those of his wi... Oh!

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No!

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LAUGHTER

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No!

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Jolly unfair!

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Where are those cucumber sandwiches?

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I'll pop out and make you some in a minute.

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Can I have a cake?

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Yeah, in your face!

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It makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwich is going, but...

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Possibly sphincter-ways...

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That's near Chiswick, isn't it?

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That's near Chiswick.

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Ring road. Oh, sorry!

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-LAUGHTER

-I'm sorry!

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-Shall we move away from the...

-I think so!

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..from the anal?

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Tony Blair's... Oh, we haven't!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Tony Blair's been busy this week.

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-It's toilet paper, isn't it?

-It is!

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He's agreed to give an after-dinner speech

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to a manufacturer of toilet paper for 50 grand.

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It's a sad end to a career!

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-They've got an acronym...

-ISSA.

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International...Sanitary...

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Services...Anal.

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In brackets.

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It's on the outside of their building, they get a lot of complaints.

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OK, let's do another Labour leader, then, shall we?

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Ed Miliband.

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-Had a baby.

-That's right, but there was a certain lack of humility in Ed's announcement at the hospital.

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We will be announcing the name in the coming days,

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but he's really gorgeous,

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he looks a bit like me, er...

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LAUGHTER

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You know the joke about the bloke who can't bear to be at the birth

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and he gets drunk and phones the hospital and gets the cricket ground by mistake?

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He says, "What's the latest?" and they say, "All ten are out and the last two were ducks."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Shall we have some happy news?

-We just had some, we had a baby.

-Well, yes, I suppose that...Yeah.

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-You're not against babies, are you?

-No, I'm not but, as a woman, when you've had a baby,

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-you don't feel quite as joyful as your husband, who's half pissed on his way to the pub.

-I know.

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You look like shit, you feel like shit and you want to stay in for 27 years.

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You've got the baby to keep you company.

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The weird thing is, when you've had a baby, your husband wants to have sex with you straight away.

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-Well, it's a bed.

-Mine had to be removed from the birthing pool by security.

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-A sad sight.

-It was sad, absolutely.

-Terrible story!

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-It's not true, Ian.

-I know!

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It was by the police.

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Some happy news this week from Ireland.

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Their government has worked out what it is that every recession-hit family needs.

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-Which is?

-Cheese. The Irish politician sometimes is a strange breed.

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Everybody's going to be given a piece of cheese.

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Free cheese from the government.

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I don't know whether it will be pushed through your letterbox

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or given to the dog to take home.

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Apparently, you have to collect it from your local leisure centre.

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How long has the leisure centre been making cheese?

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What did Jeremy Paxman call this on Newsnight?

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Cheesegate?

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Right, this is the latest proposal from Iain Duncan Smith at the Ministry for Work and Pensions,

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or as it'll soon be known, the Ministry for No Work and Hardly Any Pensions.

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Under coalition plans, unemployed people will be made to pick up all the litter in the streets,

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which these days is mostly ripped-up copies of the Lib Dem manifesto.

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ISOLATED CLAPPING

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Thank you for that one round of applause!

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Paddy Ashdown.

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On a happier note, congratulations to Ed Miliband,

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who this week heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet

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as Hazel Blears popped round to see the new baby.

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Yes, Ed has just provided his 17-month-old son Daniel

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with a younger brother.

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I say younger brother,

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I mean deadly career rival.

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Charlie, here's yours.

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OK. Ah, yes, George, clearly, George Bush...

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making... Oh.

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Er, David Cameron in China.

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-Obama, I think he's in India.

-Oh, God.

0:18:200:18:23

Yes, this is coconuts and Obama.

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The Indian authorities were worried that a coconut might fall off a tree

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and hit him and they didn't want him involved in a slapstick accident

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that would become popular on YouTube, so they cut the coconuts off the trees

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and got rid of all banana skins on pavements

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and advised every person carrying a plank not to turn round quickly...

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LAUGHTER

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..within 50 metres of the presidential visit.

0:18:450:18:49

Did they ban people from crossing the road with invisible panes of glass?

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-Exactly.

-I was impressed that his dancing was worse than George Bush's.

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-Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about him.

-He's obviously trying to prove to the American people

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that he's not too black by dancing like a white man.

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-I think it's a bit unfair on white people, to be honest.

-Well...

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This is the publication of former President George W Bush's memoirs.

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He was talking about waterboarding, he said it was perfectly right

0:19:140:19:20

to do this because "my job is to protect America," is what he said.

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He said waterboarding was perfectly legal.

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In fact, he and Laura enjoyed a nice waterboarding holiday in the Everglades recently.

0:19:260:19:30

They use this term "simulated drowning". That's something you watch on a video game.

0:19:300:19:35

When someone's having water poured into you, you are drowning.

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-It's not simulated.

-It doesn't actually go in.

-Doesn't it?

-No.

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-It stays on something over your face.

-Oh, really?

-But you believe you're drowning.

0:19:430:19:48

And everybody else who has a view says it's torture.

0:19:480:19:51

Well, it's the leisure activity of choice in Guantanamo Bay.

0:19:510:19:54

-And in Dulwich. Um...

-LAUGHTER

0:19:540:19:58

-Not much to do in Dulwich, though.

-I tried it on my husband, he didn't like it much.

0:19:580:20:02

Do you know who Junior Birdman is?

0:20:020:20:06

He's the son of Birdman.

0:20:060:20:08

He probably is but he's also Bush's ghost writer.

0:20:100:20:13

He gets the drawings and turns them into words.

0:20:130:20:17

And what does George say was his toughest decision?

0:20:170:20:21

-Giving up alcohol?

-It was indeed.

0:20:210:20:23

Which is the one decision we all wish he hadn't made.

0:20:230:20:27

And he's a perfect example... well, he's an advert

0:20:270:20:31

for the benefits of mass intoxication.

0:20:310:20:35

-LAUGHTER

-Well, he said about giving up drinking...

0:20:350:20:40

I don't think we can quite grasp what that must have been like.

0:20:480:20:51

Why did he say he hasn't been critical of Obama?

0:20:510:20:56

-He has not idea who he is?

-What he actually said was...

0:20:560:20:59

-It means to blow out a lot of hot air.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:07

He does use a few weird words - sockdolager.

0:21:070:21:11

That's a glove puppet, isn't it? Sockdolager.

0:21:110:21:16

That's something unusually hard and heavy - me, in other words.

0:21:160:21:19

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

0:21:190:21:22

-Paddy Ashdown again.

-He gets around, doesn't he?

0:21:220:21:26

-He does, he's moving about.

-He's over there now.

0:21:260:21:29

It's his old SAS training, isn't it?

0:21:290:21:31

Moves like a panther, apparently.

0:21:320:21:35

And how did Bush, according to his book, avoid bugs in a hotel rooms?

0:21:350:21:39

Slept on the roof.

0:21:390:21:42

Like a bloody idiot.

0:21:420:21:45

That's the height of my political satire.

0:21:460:21:50

-Did he say nothing, to fool the bugs?

-No, it's brilliant what he did.

0:21:500:21:53

His security men would take a tent wherever they went,

0:21:530:21:57

set it up in the room and he would sit inside and chat in it.

0:21:570:22:01

Inside some soundproof canvas?

0:22:030:22:07

Wow!

0:22:070:22:09

-I think it wasn't made of canvas.

-Wasn't it?

-No.

0:22:090:22:12

I don't know what's soundproof... Lead or...

0:22:120:22:16

Somebody had to get a lead tent up to the fourth floor?

0:22:160:22:20

I don't know, I'm not necessarily...

0:22:200:22:22

Who's the lead tent for, guvnor?" "It's the President on the fourth floor."

0:22:220:22:26

-Where's Dave at the moment?

-He's in China.

0:22:260:22:29

He's going to talk about human rights briefly in a speech that nobody will have translated

0:22:290:22:34

and in response we will organise business arrangements with them.

0:22:340:22:39

-That is...

-And they're going to build 56 airports in the next five years.

0:22:390:22:43

I was there once and it's a bit disturbing because all the airports are the same.

0:22:430:22:50

You'd land at the same place you took off from two hours earlier.

0:22:500:22:53

The Coca-Cola machine is in exactly the same place, it's all the same.

0:22:530:22:57

You wouldn't expect that of China, would you?

0:22:570:23:00

Who did Dave take with him to China?

0:23:030:23:07

His specially commissioned photographer, paid to photograph him in all his loveliness.

0:23:070:23:11

And a big trade delegation of wealthy businessmen to sign big trade deals for British companies.

0:23:110:23:16

Companies like Clyde Blowers.

0:23:160:23:19

They're one of the biggest bloviating companies in the world.

0:23:190:23:22

So, on this vitally important trade mission, who did the papers concentrate on?

0:23:220:23:29

-Oh, the Jimmy Choo woman.

-Yes, the Jimmy Choo shoe woman,

0:23:290:23:32

-Tamara Melon.

-She's a trade ambassador for Cameron and the coalition.

-What type of shoes?

0:23:320:23:37

High, glamorous shoes, mainly.

0:23:370:23:38

Stilettos, they're very useful in the rice paddies for, um...

0:23:380:23:42

making holes.

0:23:420:23:44

There we are, a typical Chinese paddy field worker.

0:23:440:23:48

Sitting in Europe's biggest champagne glass.

0:23:480:23:53

Cameron's been appointing quite a lot of people to jobs recently.

0:23:530:23:57

He's given this person a job, who looks quite glamorous.

0:23:570:24:01

She's Anna Maren Ashford, who used to be head of brand communication for the Tories.

0:24:010:24:06

She's now heading up the behavioural insight team in the Cabinet Office.

0:24:060:24:11

She's got her work cut out then, hasn't she?

0:24:110:24:13

What's it responsible for, any idea?

0:24:130:24:16

-Is it PR?

-Well, it's -

0:24:160:24:18

What, in the cabinet?

0:24:210:24:23

She's waterboarding, basically.

0:24:230:24:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:270:24:30

Yes, it's International Statesman Week.

0:24:330:24:35

George Bush has just published his memoirs called Decision Points.

0:24:350:24:39

Bush's book was ghost written by speech writer Christopher Michel who said the morning he got the job:

0:24:390:24:44

..which began, "Dear Mr Google, how come you know so much stuff?"

0:24:500:24:54

LAUGHTER

0:24:540:24:57

Bush even claims to have had a heated argument with Cherie Blair about the death penalty,

0:24:570:25:02

but ultimately he convinced her that Gordon Brown deserved to live.

0:25:020:25:06

David Cameron met with China's premier Wen Jiabao.

0:25:060:25:10

The issues of human rights and forced labour were briefly raised

0:25:100:25:13

but Cameron brushed it aside, saying, "The unemployed SHOULD pick up litter."

0:25:130:25:18

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

0:25:180:25:20

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:25:200:25:22

BUZZER SALLY: Queen's on Facebook.

0:25:270:25:29

-Yeah.

-I don't think you can be her friend on Facebook.

0:25:290:25:33

-I think you can only be a fan or a subject.

-That's right.

0:25:330:25:36

Is she conducting a video conference there?

0:25:360:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:41

-Do you know what Facebook is, Ian?

-Yes, I do know what...

0:25:430:25:46

-It's the one that's not Twitter.

-Yeah.

0:25:480:25:51

Tweeting is for the older, more discerning wastrel.

0:25:510:25:55

What's her status, is it 'reigning'?

0:25:550:25:57

Apparently, she doesn't update her status, lazy old bag.

0:26:020:26:06

The sorts of things she puts on her Facebook page...

0:26:100:26:14

Apparently, basically a fan page

0:26:140:26:16

based on the daily Court Circular listings.

0:26:160:26:18

Blimey.

0:26:190:26:20

Oh, I think I've just come.

0:26:300:26:33

I'm sorry, that won't get out. They'll edit that.

0:26:330:26:35

Sorry, Ian.

0:26:380:26:40

You didn't take much of a run-up.

0:26:420:26:43

We old ladies have to be quick about it.

0:26:460:26:48

Does anyone know what pleasure the Queen will be denying her followers?

0:26:500:26:54

-Oh, yes! Poking.

-That's right.

-What?!

0:26:540:26:57

-They won't be able to poke her.

-Won't they?

-No.

0:26:570:27:02

All they'll be able to do is... "like" whatever she says she's up to.

0:27:020:27:07

Do you think she's got a wall full of pictures of her and Philip, drunk, going...?

0:27:070:27:11

I'd join Facebook if she did.

0:27:150:27:18

Also this week, lots of royal trivia was revealed in a new book -

0:27:180:27:22

We Are Amused: A Royal Miscellany.

0:27:220:27:25

-Shall we play a little mini monarchy quiz?

-Definitely.

0:27:250:27:28

Question one, what does the Queen absolutely hate and can spot at 20 paces?

0:27:280:27:32

Prince Philip.

0:27:320:27:33

APPLAUSE

0:27:350:27:37

Clip-on bow ties.

0:27:370:27:39

What did Prince Philip invent to keep the Queen happy?

0:27:390:27:42

BUZZER

0:27:420:27:43

ITV?

0:27:430:27:44

No. The Queen hates the sound of ice cubes banging against each other in her gin and Dubonnet.

0:27:480:27:54

So Philip...

0:27:540:27:55

What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?

0:28:050:28:07

Hiding in a chimney.

0:28:070:28:09

Making blancmanges.

0:28:150:28:17

Straining oxtail soup through her tights.

0:28:180:28:21

Could be anything, couldn't it?

0:28:210:28:23

Apparently she enjoys trying to catch bats in the...

0:28:230:28:28

LAUGHTER

0:28:280:28:30

Wait a minute, it gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net on it.

0:28:300:28:35

LAUGHTER

0:28:350:28:36

Is the footman on the end of the pole?

0:28:360:28:40

And finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?

0:28:410:28:47

LAUGHTER

0:28:470:28:48

Who's going to resist it?

0:28:490:28:50

-I resisted it!

-Me, too.

0:28:520:28:54

-I'm not going there.

-All right, it's -

0:28:540:28:55

You can't call her that!

0:29:000:29:02

That's not fair.

0:29:020:29:04

APPLAUSE

0:29:040:29:06

This is the news that the Queen now has a page on Facebook.

0:29:080:29:11

No doubt the Queen has been inundated with requests from old schoolfriends

0:29:110:29:15

keen to meet up. "So sad we lost touch. What are you up to these days?

0:29:150:29:19

"Tell me you didn't marry that Greek tit."

0:29:190:29:22

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:29:220:29:24

BUZZER

0:29:290:29:30

Yes, this is clearly the BBC News strike

0:29:300:29:33

because of the pension arrangements.

0:29:330:29:36

I didn't see any of it but people stepped in and read the news

0:29:360:29:39

and, in some cases, making it up.

0:29:390:29:41

There was an extraordinary desperation because a lot of programmes went off the air.

0:29:410:29:46

And one night, they couldn't put on Newsnight

0:29:460:29:49

and instead they showed an old episode of Have I Got News For You?

0:29:490:29:54

Sad!

0:29:550:29:56

What was the episode?

0:29:570:29:58

1910.

0:29:580:30:00

A lot of Kaiser gags in there.

0:30:010:30:03

"Yeah, you and whose army, mate?"

0:30:050:30:09

How did Jeremy Paxman anticipate the strike would affect things on Newsnight the following night?

0:30:090:30:15

Shall we have a look?

0:30:150:30:16

I don't think we need detain you any longer.

0:30:170:30:19

Tomorrow night... I've no idea what's happening tomorrow night, so good night.

0:30:190:30:23

APPLAUSE

0:30:230:30:26

The economics editor of Newsnight was on the picket line, Paul Mason. PHONE RINGS

0:30:260:30:30

Phone's ringing.

0:30:300:30:31

PHONE RINGS

0:30:320:30:34

APPLAUSE

0:30:360:30:38

"Take the Viagra now."

0:30:400:30:41

If you don't swallow it, you get a stiff neck.

0:30:490:30:52

It's all right, we've got plenty of time.

0:30:550:30:58

I'm very sorry. Can someone get rid of this thing?

0:30:580:31:02

I can't work it at all.

0:31:020:31:04

-Don't you know how to turn your own phone off?

-No.

0:31:060:31:09

Can you go and throw that away?

0:31:090:31:12

Sorry.

0:31:130:31:14

-That's all right.

-I didn't even know I had it in my pocket.

0:31:140:31:17

A phone that you've never seen before rings?

0:31:190:31:22

This is the beginning of some sort of spy mystery, or something.

0:31:220:31:26

-Let's move on and pretend it never happened.

-It was a break from the enduring tedium of this news quiz.

0:31:260:31:32

-What's the next bit?

-I did tell Her Majesty "don't ring me at work."

0:31:320:31:37

Now, the BBC weather presenter Tomasz Schafernaker caused a storm this week.

0:31:390:31:43

-Any ideas what he did?

-What, he CAUSED a storm? Personally?

0:31:430:31:47

He outraged viewers.

0:31:470:31:49

-Did he?

-He presented his weather bulletin wearing jeans and a V-neck jumper.

-Ooh!

0:31:490:31:55

Here he is, look.

0:31:550:31:57

-Was he the guy that gave the V-sign to one of the presenters?

-Yes, ish.

0:31:570:32:01

-When he thought he was out of the shot.

-He was recently caught, live on air,

0:32:010:32:05

making a rude gesture.

0:32:050:32:06

Now we'll have the weather forecast in a minute and, of course,

0:32:060:32:09

it'll be 100% accurate and provide all the detail you could possibly want.

0:32:090:32:12

I've just seen Tomasz Schafernaker preparing for it

0:32:120:32:15

so I'm not entir...

0:32:150:32:16

-Oh!

-Every now and then there's only one mistake. That was it.

0:32:160:32:21

Wasn't he suggesting there was a cyclone expected in the Midlands?

0:32:230:32:28

He should have just pretended he was checking which way the wind was blowing!

0:32:280:32:33

Which means at the end of this round it's Ian and Sally 3, Paul and Charlie with 3.

0:32:330:32:38

APPLAUSE

0:32:380:32:41

Time now for the odd one out.

0:32:430:32:46

Your four are Prince William,

0:32:460:32:48

a passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver.

0:32:480:32:50

the Stig and the players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.

0:32:500:32:55

-BUZZER

-The football claimed to be representing Togo but they weren't,

0:32:550:33:00

they went to play an international match but they weren't the national team.

0:33:000:33:04

they were rather embarrassed, they lost quite heavily.

0:33:040:33:07

I think this is about people using different identities

0:33:070:33:10

-or pretending to have another identity.

-Or is it identities being revealed? The Stig...

0:33:100:33:15

His identity was revealed.

0:33:150:33:17

The guy on the top right, that's actually a young man

0:33:170:33:21

but he sneaked onto a flight from...Was it China? Hong Kong or somewhere.

0:33:210:33:25

He went to the toilet and came back as a young man and sat down.

0:33:250:33:28

Tried to blame it on the Nivea.

0:33:280:33:31

Moisturising.

0:33:310:33:32

Do we think Prince William's the odd one out?

0:33:320:33:34

-No, you're in the right area but no.

-Let's guess someone else.

0:33:340:33:39

The man on the top right is the only one trying to pass himself off as Rupert Murdoch.

0:33:400:33:45

-Let's go for the Stig.

-Let's go for the Stig.

0:33:450:33:49

We're going to go for the Stig.

0:33:490:33:51

-Correct!

-Wahey!

0:33:510:33:53

Well done but we don't know why.

0:33:530:33:55

APPLAUSE

0:33:550:33:57

They've all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig,

0:33:570:34:01

who did so, much to the dismay of the Top Gear team.

0:34:010:34:04

The BBC recently lost an injunction preventing racing car driver Ben Collins, aka the Stig,

0:34:040:34:10

from revealing himself in his autobiography.

0:34:100:34:13

The high court judge ruled that -

0:34:130:34:14

In other words, who cares?

0:34:210:34:23

This summer Prince William concealed his identity during a visit to McColl's mini-market

0:34:230:34:30

in Blaenau Ffestiniog, Wales.

0:34:300:34:32

What did the cashier say when Prince William approached the till?

0:34:320:34:36

Hello, Your Majesty.

0:34:360:34:38

Shop assistant Sioned Compton said -

0:34:380:34:41

To which he replied -

0:34:440:34:46

Cunning.

0:34:480:34:49

She said -

0:34:490:34:51

Cos he probably wasn't, love.

0:34:550:34:58

A passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver, as you said.

0:35:000:35:04

Shall we have a look at how he transformed himself?

0:35:040:35:06

That's sort of what he actually looked like.

0:35:060:35:09

And here he is in his crafty disguise.

0:35:090:35:12

Something I plan to do myself at some point in the evening.

0:35:190:35:23

The players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.

0:35:230:35:27

After a friendly between Togo and Bahrain it emerged the Togolese team

0:35:270:35:31

weren't exactly who they said they were.

0:35:310:35:33

What first around suspicions?

0:35:330:35:36

-They were awful. They couldn't play football.

-That's right.

0:35:360:35:39

The Bahrainian team coach whose side won the fixture 3-0

0:35:390:35:44

was surprised by the poor quality of the Togolese team, saying they had-

0:35:440:35:47

Obviously, I would make a clever comparison to the England team's performance at the World Cup

0:35:540:35:58

but sadly, it turns out I don't really give a shit.

0:35:580:36:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:020:36:04

So they have all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig.

0:36:080:36:12

Sources at Top Gear say -

0:36:120:36:14

In fact, he's since received death threats.

0:36:170:36:20

Well, Richard Hammond offered him a lift home.

0:36:200:36:24

Prince William recently tried to conceal his identity while shopping with Kate Middleton in Wales.

0:36:260:36:31

The royal couple's shopping bill came to £12.60, the most ever spent in McColl's mini-market

0:36:310:36:37

in Blaenau Ffestiniog since Prince Harry cleaned them out of vodka and Rizlas.

0:36:370:36:43

Time now for the missing words round, which features, as its guest publication, Rat & Mouse Magazine.

0:36:430:36:49

Available in vivisection laboratory receptions everywhere.

0:36:490:36:54

And we start with...

0:36:540:36:55

Is it, "If I was a boxer..."?

0:36:590:37:01

LAUGHTER

0:37:010:37:03

This is MP Paul Farrelly, who had an altercation with a newspaper vendor this week.

0:37:070:37:11

It's the worst brawl in the House of Commons bar

0:37:110:37:13

since John Prescott and Eric Pickles

0:37:130:37:15

had a disagreement over who should have the last packet of pork scratchings.

0:37:150:37:20

It's nice to see they're merging Eric Pickles into John Prescott.

0:37:200:37:23

-It's a double act. Prescott will be eased out as...

-Adjust the fat jokes for him.

0:37:230:37:28

What about Eamonn Holmes? Where's he gone?

0:37:280:37:30

He complained about Jon Culshaw doing an impression of him and suggesting that he was fat.

0:37:300:37:35

-Yes.

-And he got an apology from the BBC, Eamonn Holmes.

-Really?

0:37:350:37:39

So you're not allowed to mention his size in any way at all.

0:37:390:37:42

It was a very funny sketch.

0:37:420:37:43

He used to eat the sofa and then the guests would come in and Eamonn would have eaten the guests.

0:37:430:37:48

It's a basic joke, cos he's rather overweight, which he is...

0:37:480:37:52

So maybe we can bring that answer into... Because they'll have to use this round.

0:37:520:37:57

So if every answer is "Eamonn Holmes is overweight,"

0:37:570:38:00

-then we've made a point... or resigned, one way or the other!

-OK. Right, your next one.

0:38:000:38:05

Imitate an overweight Eamonn Holmes!

0:38:100:38:12

No - raise money for charity.

0:38:140:38:15

According to Rat & Mouse magazine, their German owner is planning

0:38:180:38:22

on bringing their stunt mouse show on tour to the UK next summer.

0:38:220:38:26

So if you didn't get tickets for Take That, don't worry.

0:38:260:38:29

-Shall we have another one?

-Yes, go on, then.

0:38:300:38:33

A seventh course? Er, no, thanks!

0:38:350:38:38

Not mentioning anybody at all that it might refer to.

0:38:380:38:41

CHARLIE: Another sofa?

0:38:410:38:43

No mention... We'll get away with it.

0:38:450:38:47

It's...

0:38:470:38:49

This is a United Nations report on the best places in the world to live.

0:38:490:38:53

According to the list, Australia is the second best place to live in the world,

0:38:530:38:57

and New Zealand is the third. So here's a thought.

0:38:570:39:00

Why don't you all piss off home and get a job in your own pubs?

0:39:000:39:03

OK, next.

0:39:060:39:09

CHARLIE: 50p off.

0:39:110:39:14

Co-op boobs revealed as simply painted melons.

0:39:140:39:18

Well, the answer is...

0:39:180:39:19

This is the shopper who was charged £1.79 for a 79p pepper

0:39:230:39:28

because the cashier's breasts were resting on the scales.

0:39:280:39:32

Good job I wasn't serving. It would have cost her 40 quid!

0:39:410:39:45

-Even worse, the cashier was a bloke!

-Oh, dear.

0:39:450:39:50

Next -

0:39:510:39:52

SALLY: Rats! Where's the Pope?

0:39:530:39:56

Ratzinger. That was his name.

0:39:560:39:58

Bear is shitting in the woods but where's the Pope?

0:39:580:40:02

The answer is -

0:40:030:40:05

The Pope was photographed in Barcelona covered in smoke.

0:40:070:40:11

According the Express, the Pope's presence prompted around 100 gay men to stage a -

0:40:110:40:16

The Pope was disgusted - some of them were over 16 and all were consenting.

0:40:180:40:23

APPLAUSE

0:40:250:40:27

And finally -

0:40:290:40:30

Bursts.

0:40:330:40:35

Teaches yoga.

0:40:350:40:37

Yoda...

0:40:380:40:40

Yoda classes for dyslexics at Stroud leisure centre.

0:40:400:40:44

This is Yoda Reeves, 29, who's described by the Sun as a bachelor.

0:40:510:40:55

Mmm, big surprise not, it is.

0:40:550:40:58

So the final scores are - Ian and Sally have 4

0:40:590:41:03

-and Paul and Charlie have 5!

-Wey-hey!

-Well done.

0:41:030:41:08

That was your explaining about that bloke... Yeah.

0:41:080:41:12

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:41:130:41:17

Man bouncing off Eamonn Holmes' stomach creates new Guinness World Record.

0:41:170:41:21

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

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Ian Hislop and Sally Bercow,

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Paul Merton and Charlie Higson,

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and I leave you with news that in central London

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news gets out that Ed Miliband's new baby is keeping him up all night...

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In a bid to liven up his train journey home,

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one bored commuter sees how many peanuts he can get on target...

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And in Beijing zoo, as two pandas fail once again to mate,

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there's some unnecessary taunting from the cage next door...

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Good night.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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The extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Jo Brand and guest panelists Sally Bercow and Charlie Higson.