Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 1

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Jo Brand and guest panellists Victoria Coren and Graham Linehan.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

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In the news this week, while watching the Tory Conference on TV,

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one viewer is surprised to get a mention in Theresa May's speech.

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Police admit they should have reacted more forcefully

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after Colonel Gaddafi is discovered living in a bedsit in Sheffield.

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What we'll do is keep on calling you over the next few weeks,

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just to see what you're up to, who you're hanging around with.

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And after drowning his sorrows at a depressing Labour Party conference,

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Alistair Darling decides it's time to head home.

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On Ian's team tonight

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is a writer with a well-known love for the English language, who says:

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I typed that out myself. Please welcome Victoria Coren.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight

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is a comedy writer of Father Ted and The IT Crowd,

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who in the past has declared, "Most people think a show is made up

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"by the cast as they go along."

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Oh, dear, I haven't been given a punchline for that one.

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Please welcome Graham Linehan.

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APPLAUSE

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So to round one, shall we play a game of Fox Or Cat?

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Ian and Victoria, you get the first go.

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Let's see if it's fox or cat.

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That is the best game I've ever played.

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GRAHAM: I don't understand it.

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You will. It's landed on Fox, here's your foxy footage.

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-Right.

-There he is, Foxy Knoxy.

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-We're looking for the mystery man.

-Where's Adam Werritty?

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Is this a new game, Where's Werritty?

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You get a huge picture and you have to guess.

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He's the tall one who hasn't got a proper pass.

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This, of course, relates to the close friendship between Liam Fox and Adam Werritty.

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And they are close, there's no denying that.

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Let's have a look at Liam Fox, shall we?

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Ah, look, there's Adam Werritty.

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Here's Liam Fox again.

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Ah... There's Adam again.

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And here's Liam Fox again.

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Oh, who's that with him?

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That's his wife.

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And... Ah, there he is!

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You say that it's his wife, it could be a cut-out of her head stuck on his shoulder.

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I bet he was delighted when he heard this show was coming back.

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Our mystery guest is... Adam Werritty!

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He seems to have brought somebody with him.

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No, they just met accidentally outside!

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People in the Press have been making a lot of the fact that he's 17 years younger,

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he shared a house with him, he got him a job.

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Fox, by the time this goes out, he may not be in a job any more,

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because the Prime Minister said he had his full support.

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It's so British that everyone is upset about it. Liam Fox is the Defence Secretary.

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Is it British to be upset about possible corruption?

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Because, most of the time, what Liam Fox is doing is making sure

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weapons and guns go all around the world.

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Usually we then decide five minutes later they are evil and we have to go and fight them.

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Then he's in charge of making sure British soldiers go off

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under-equipped, under-funded to be killed.

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That's not his actual job remit.

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-Then it turns out he's taken this friend out to a steak house, that's the moral problem.

-Yes.

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It's like finding out Peter Sutcliffe has a parking ticket.

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I suppose one of the moral problems is that

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the new Prime Minister came in and said,

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"it's a real problem in the previous government,

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"lobbying, that's the big scandal, we're going to sort it out."

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So, in the biggest ministry, with the biggest budget,

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there's a bloke there and no-one knows who he is!

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So old Werritty turns up and there's a four-star American general,

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the Israeli Ambassador and the Defence Minister says, "Have you met Adam?

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"He isn't vetted by security, he's got no pass,

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"would you like to tell him about your job?"

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"Yes, fine, that would be super."

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You say four-star American general, is that one with excellent restaurant facilities?

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The Press enjoyed it, particularly the cartoonists, they had a field day.

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Here's the Sun, they liked it.

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Because his name's Fox, get it?

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The Telegraph and the Independent had much the same idea,

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but at least we can rely on Newsnight to raise the tone.

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Let's have a look:

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'Labour MPs are not normally in favour of fox-hunting...'

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VOICEOVER DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

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What's he doing in the long grass and is he there on his own?

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You say the Press have gone overboard.

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But Mr Werritty, he's his friend and when Mr Fox was health spokesman,

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Mr Werritty had a health consultancy.

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When he became defence spokesman, he had a defence consultancy.

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There's a lot of coincidences in life, aren't there?

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I hate to come back to this, but he is the Defence Secretary.

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-It is the most evil post in the Cabinet.

-It's not an evil post!

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He should be dressing as Skeletor.

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Shall we have a look at the business card he was giving out?

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It looks quite posh, doesn't it?

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VICTORIA: He might as well print on it, "my friend's got a proper job."

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He hasn't thought this through

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because he's crossed out the phone numbers.

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The word "adviser" stupidly, a lot of people have interpreted

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as meaning, he was an adviser.

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As opposed to an old friend who used to live in his flat.

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Easy mistake to make.

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The Mail On Sunday strangely tried to get some speculation going about their relationship.

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They got right to the heart of the matter:

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Here's their evidence.

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To be fair, they are at a wedding. Let's try this one.

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-What are they doing there?

-That is a bit weird.

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David Cameron was asked about his best man during the week.

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Shall we take a look at what he said?

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Have you ever taken your best man on a business trip?

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Um, I had two best men, actually

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and I don't think I've ever taken either of them on a business trip.

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Ooh, two best men!

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What did Liam Fox actually do when the issue hit the headlines?

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He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he'd been doing.

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If he found any wrongdoing, he'd be the first to know about it

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and he would be extremely disappointed.

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"Find out if I've done anything wrong.

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"If you've been lying to me, I'll find out!"

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And how many meetings did Liam Fox initially say he'd had with

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-Werritty when he was asked?

-Six.

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-14. 14, apparently.

-He meant 40.

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-Well, by Wednesday, it had indeed gone up to 40.

-40.

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-Easy slip to make.

-Yes.

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And they met 18 times abroad

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and 22 times in this country, so far as we know.

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And Liam Fox used a curious phrase in the House of Commons

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when he was asked if Werritty had made any money from their friendship.

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Yes, he denied there was any "transactional behaviour."

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Try that next time!

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People don't use language like that if they've not got something to hide. That's a weird thing to say.

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Are you suggesting the Minister of Defence had something to hide?

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Why do you keep saying that?

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That's obviously what we are all suggesting.

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Well, I'm shocked.

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APPLAUSE

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He did one of those brilliant apologies that politicians do.

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-He said, mistakes were made.

-That's right.

-By whom? You, at all?

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It's this brilliant use of the passive. An "impression" of wrongdoing.

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Funny, you get that impression when someone's been wrong-doing!

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This is my impression of wrongdoing.

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That's really good!

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-Who was paying him?

-Oh yes, well... Oh, Atlantic Bridge.

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He was given 90 grand by Atlantic Bridge.

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A charity supposed to improve relations between

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Britain and America or just Britain and American arms companies.

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- That really needs a charity. - Absolutely heart-warming.

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Not quite as attractive as donkey sanctuaries, is it?

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Do you know where Werritty was living in 2002, rent-free?

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Sorry, I mean, without any transactional behaviour?

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He was living in Mr Fox's flat.

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He was, funded almost entirely out of Liam Fox's expenses as an MP.

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It is worth reminding ourselves that in order to renovate this flat,

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Liam Fox upped the mortgage on it by £180,000,

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and then he upped his MP expense claims to cover it.

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Which means in a way, you and I were paying for Adam Werritty's accommodation.

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It gives you a nice warm feeling.

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-Let's go to Dubai for a bit.

-Ooh, let's.

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-What a lovely place it is.

-Indeed.

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It's the kind of place where nothing shady ever goes on.

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It's very hot.

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RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

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Be fair, that might be the best joke of the night!

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That might be a highlight at the end of this.

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What did Liam Fox say about how the meeting had come about?

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He said it came about by accident.

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He said, Werritty happened to be in Dubai, Fox happened to be arriving the next day.

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As luck would have it, Werritty happened to be in a restaurant in Dubai

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and the American businessman happened to be on the next table.

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Bloody hell, that was lucky, wasn't it?

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Here's the American businessman concerned, Harvey Boulter.

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He's got a nice pair of big, yellow trousers on.

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GRAHAM: That's the kind of guy you just know he's a really nice guy.

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Ladies in bikinis don't just trust anybody.

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They're not ladies in bikinis, they're special advisers!

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What did Adam Werritty have regular access to?

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Take that any way you want.

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Is that the answer? That can't be the answer.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Access to his diary.

-Absolutely right.

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So, when he was returning home from a war-zone,

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Mr Werritty knew where he would be.

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You would think, if he had access to his diary,

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he'd be able to plan ahead a bit more, rather than relying on chance.

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Yes, this is the only bit of Fox News worth watching.

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As speculation grew over the nature of Liam Fox's friendship

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with Adam Werritty, The Guardian reported that

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support from backbenchers has been:

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That's from their new political correspondent, Julian Clary.

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According to BBC News:

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Either that or his wife had just come home early.

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APPLAUSE

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Liam Fox is no stranger to controversy.

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He was once forced to make a public apology

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after describing the Spice Girls as:

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GASPS AND LAUGHTER

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Oh!

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It was then that he realised, to keep him out of trouble,

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what he really needed was an adviser.

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Paul and Graham, you get the next spin.

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MAN CHEERS

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Somebody cheered, you're easily pleased!

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We've got the cat, that was the option with the left. This is the cat that didn't bark in the night.

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Theresa May said, "I'm not making this up",

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then famously said something that was made up.

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Yes. Take a look at this.

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-We're supposed to talk, aren't we?

-Oh, yeah!

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LAUGHTER

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I'm so into silent film, I thought it was one I hadn't seen!

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-There's Charlie Chaplin. Oh, it's not him. Cat coming through the door. I see.

-We covered that!

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Yeah, well done! Well done. I drifted off completely.

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APPLAUSE

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So it's the cat she made up that wasn't made up that she did make up.

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The cat didn't want to emigrate and somebody found out it had a job as a window cleaner,

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but it spoke fluent Bulgarian and was allowed to stay.

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I'm not making this up!

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What's the cat's name, do you know?

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William Johnson.

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-The cat's name is Maya.

-It is.

-That's right.

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It's a bit like Theresa May,

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which is one of those coincidences that Mr Fox would appreciate.

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There's a televis... Dr Fox's Mysterious World.

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-The Fantastic Mr Fox!

-The Underwater World Of Adam Werritty.

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Bob-bob-bob!

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What does the whole situation prove?

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That when politicians make things up, they shouldn't say, "I'm not making this up."

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What do you want to know about this cat?

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-Yeah, what do you want to know?!

-Who are you?!

-I don't know!

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-I think we found out earlier. I've got no idea.

-Why are you asking these questions?

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-I only came in for a passport.

-I'm not standing for this!

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How many years does it take to get a passport in this country?

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I know a bloke who could probably fix one!

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Do I have to travel under the name of Adam Werritty? I don't mind, I've done worse.

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-Have you?

-No.

-I didn't think you had.

-I haven't got the nerve.

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Personally, I was relieved to hear a cat was a sign of having a settled family life.

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I wish someone would tell my mother that on my behalf.

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I think Theresa May used it to illustrate the sorry state of justice in this country.

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In front of a home Tory audience she said,

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"There was a Bolivian student immigrant who was allowed to stay just because of his cat."

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Kenneth Clarke was in the audience and no-one's told him the etiquette of being in the Tory party,

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so he said, "Childish rubbish!"

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Which was considered very bad form, so then they had this argument.

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-And who was right?

-In the original case, the cat was brought up.

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It is a Bolivian student who was caught shoplifting and cautioned.

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When he appealed to stay, one of the things they said was he had a cat,

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he and his partner, but it wasn't the main reason he was allowed to stay.

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So the truth was as, as ever, not there.

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But the funny thing was Chris Huhne, who's also meant to be in the Cabinet,

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rang up the Guardian and said, "She got this speech from Nigel Farage, the bloke at UKIP.

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"He made the same speech."

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But when he pressed the button on his phone, it went public,

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so everyone knew he'd try to shop his Cabinet colleague.

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That was on Twitter. Someone tweeted it and it said something like,

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"I don't want my fingerprints anywhere near this."

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-So what's the button you press wrong?

-Send!

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He was trying to send a direct message which no-one else can see.

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But Twitter is such an open network that you have to be careful when discussing anything like that.

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It's like CC-ing everyone in the world on an e-mail.

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"I hate everybody." Aargh!

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-Shall we have a look at Theresa May?

-Yes, why not?

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I insist on it.

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The robber who cannot be removed because he has a girlfriend.

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The illegal immigrant who cannot be deported because -

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and I am not making this up -

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because he had a pet cat.

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Let's see what old Nige Farage said.

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Under the Human Rights Act, he claimed he shouldn't be deported,

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because, and I really am not making this up, because he had a pet cat.

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The brilliant thing about Farage is that when he told the story, he got the nationality of the guy wrong,

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and called him a Peruvian, then turned him into a murderer!

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Rather than a shoplifter!

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A Bolivian shoplifter becomes a Peruvian murderer?!

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-Who, come on, who intervened to smooth things over?

-Lionel Blair!

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-Was it Tony Blair?

-No.

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Did he step in and solve it and then make 3 million quid on the way?

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APPLAUSE

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That's who I meant, not Lionel Blair, Tony Blair!

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No, it was Nick Clegg. He said both sides were right.

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Clarke was rebuked in no uncertain terms by David Cameron.

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What stinging put-down was in Dave's conference speech?

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He said, "Shut up, fatty."

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He said:

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Ho, ho, bloody ho.

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Do you know how Camilo came to the attention of the immigration authorities in the first place?

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He shoplifted...a cat.

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-Actually, well, not a real one. He nicked a knick-knack.

-A ceramic cat?

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-He's got a collection of cat toys?

-That's right.

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Oh, no, he's one of those people that likes cat memorabilia. They should deport him.

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-Where did they live?

-Catford.

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APPLAUSE

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Actually, Elephant and Castle, poor bastards.

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In a £200,000 property.

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Bollocks. Nothing's worth that much in the Elephant and Castle.

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If you're watching the repeat, £100,000.

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If you're watching on Dave, you can't give it away.

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Back to my friends, the Press. They had a field day with cat puns.

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-Anyone want to...

-Unlike us.

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Gone to the cats. No, that's not a pun, sorry.

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It was a safe area for them cos they could make cat jokes without it being undignified

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so they went for every cat joke they could think of.

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They went for Cat Flaps, Cat Fights, Claws Falls, Paws For Thought.

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-Cat-astrophe? Was that in there?

-No. That's bloody brilliant.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's what I do.

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And she wears kitten heels. That was there.

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And he wears Hush Puppies. Which isn't cats, really.

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And they cat-ched him. No, they caught him. Damn!

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-It's not easy, is it?

-How do you do this every week?

-No idea.

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Staying with catty comments, let's talk about retail guru

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and adviser to David Cameron, Mary Portas.

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She said something very rude in a magazine interview about Tory female ministers.

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Do you know what it was?

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They're all ugly.

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Yeah, she said:

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For no other reason than there's another woman here, shall we look at some of the clothes?

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Ooh, let's have a look.

0:21:030:21:04

You have to say what's wrong with these ministers' clothes. Let's start with Cheryl Gillan.

0:21:050:21:11

Is it made of cat?

0:21:110:21:14

Assuming that's not real fur, I think she looks perfectly nice.

0:21:140:21:19

Absolutely. It's fake fur, but Mary Portas says it's too big.

0:21:190:21:24

She could be standing on a midget.

0:21:240:21:26

Who's just a close friend who by coincidence is walking under the coat at the time she came out.

0:21:260:21:33

Every so often a hand comes out with a card.

0:21:330:21:35

Sometimes a cup of tea if the mood's right.

0:21:370:21:40

Here's Theresa May. What did Mary Portas think of this?

0:21:400:21:43

VICTORIA: Am I mad? I think that looks quite nice.

0:21:430:21:46

-Yeah, me too.

-GRAHAM: Really?

-Yeah.

0:21:460:21:50

-And what I say in retail...

-LAUGHTER

0:21:500:21:52

It looks a bit like an explosion in a zebra factory.

0:21:520:21:55

But that's... That's all right.

0:21:550:21:58

Mary said the coat looks too much like a house coat.

0:21:580:22:02

Can we go back to the picture of Mary Portas?

0:22:020:22:05

Oh, none of that works.

0:22:060:22:09

She's got two watches on.

0:22:090:22:10

Apparently, with Caroline Spelman's outfit, the colour's boring.

0:22:120:22:17

GRAHAM: It's black that no-one wears except every clothes designer in the world

0:22:170:22:22

while trying to make everybody else dress in ridiculous Lady Gaga nonsense.

0:22:220:22:27

Sounds like a personal issue there.

0:22:270:22:29

Have you been stung by the Lady Gaga fashion industry?

0:22:310:22:35

Yeah, that was a very embarrassing weekend.

0:22:350:22:38

Those bacon trousers.

0:22:380:22:40

Can't wear them outdoors!

0:22:430:22:45

They don't tell you that when you buy them.

0:22:450:22:48

Dogs chase you.

0:22:480:22:49

The pork sausage underpants are doing it for me.

0:22:500:22:53

And of course they don't allow this sort of

0:22:530:22:56

sexist attitude towards women in Ed Miliband's Labour Party, do they?

0:22:560:23:01

Anyone know what they've called the new influx of women into Ed's new Shadow Cabinet?

0:23:010:23:05

The Mili-tarts or something?

0:23:050:23:08

Something like that.

0:23:110:23:13

Ed Miliband's Bunch of Rough Prostitutes?

0:23:140:23:18

Trollops and strumpets, every one of them!

0:23:210:23:24

It's:

0:23:240:23:25

GROANING

0:23:270:23:28

That's hideous, isn't it?

0:23:280:23:30

Finally, what other story rocked Parliament this week?

0:23:300:23:34

It must be about Big Ben leaning over.

0:23:340:23:36

It is indeed. Listen carefully to what this expert said about it.

0:23:360:23:41

We're talking about a 300-foot tower which as a .26 degree lean

0:23:410:23:45

which is absolutely minute.

0:23:450:23:47

To give you some idea, the Leaning Tower of Pizza is five degrees.

0:23:470:23:51

LAUGHTER

0:23:510:23:53

I think it's in Lewisham, the Leaning Tower of Pizza.

0:23:550:23:58

You could see it leaning in that shot, couldn't you?

0:24:000:24:02

It was definitely leaning if you want to...

0:24:020:24:05

Is it?

0:24:050:24:06

This is the story, and I'm not making this up,

0:24:080:24:10

about two Cabinet ministers arguing over a cat.

0:24:100:24:14

Asked about the relationship between Ken Clarke and Theresa May, one senior Tory said:

0:24:140:24:19

Blimey, two Tory MPs I agree with.

0:24:200:24:23

Mary Portas, self-crowned Queen of Shops, has attacked the fashion sense

0:24:250:24:28

of the four female ministers in the cabinet saying:

0:24:280:24:31

Sod the budget deficit, let's find a nice push-up bra for Baroness Warsi.

0:24:350:24:40

Mary Portas was recently appointed a Downing Street adviser on Britain's retail industry.

0:24:400:24:46

Yes, you heard that right, Mary Portas is an official Government adviser.

0:24:460:24:50

Yet another kick in the teeth for Adam Werritty.

0:24:500:24:53

And so to the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:570:25:01

BUZZER

0:25:040:25:05

The clue is the ferry, this is the English rugby team coming back

0:25:050:25:08

from their not very happy World Cup.

0:25:080:25:10

This is a member of the team

0:25:100:25:12

deciding the best way to celebrate being knocked out

0:25:120:25:15

was to jump off the ferry and swim to the pontoon,

0:25:150:25:18

I suppose it's called.

0:25:180:25:20

Another story in a disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.

0:25:200:25:23

-Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?

-No.

0:25:230:25:28

It starts with M. And it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.

0:25:280:25:31

-IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-Michael. Michael. My name's Michael.

0:25:310:25:36

That's terrible!

0:25:380:25:40

His name's actually Manu Tuilagi.

0:25:400:25:43

Do you know what the repercussions were?

0:25:430:25:45

He met David Walliams?

0:25:450:25:46

He was detained by New Zealand police and fined £3,000

0:25:510:25:54

by the Rugby Football Union, and the ferry company condemned the stupid stunt.

0:25:540:25:59

At least, I think that's what they said.

0:25:590:26:02

England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been:

0:26:040:26:07

Tuilagi's stunt rounded off the team's tour of shame rather nicely.

0:26:140:26:18

What else did they get up to while they were Down Under?

0:26:180:26:21

-Ball-swapping during the match.

-That's right.

-I didn't see it,

0:26:210:26:24

-but I don't know how you think you can get away with it.

-How do you do that?

0:26:240:26:28

Jonny Wilkinson, the guy who specialises in taking the goal attempt,

0:26:280:26:31

he liked a particular brand of ball, so when the ball went out of play,

0:26:310:26:35

they just brought the other ball on and gave it to him and...

0:26:350:26:38

He pretended one of the players was pregnant.

0:26:380:26:40

They don't think these things through.

0:26:400:26:44

The biggest scandal involved Zara Phillips' new hubby Mike Tindall.

0:26:440:26:47

-What did he get up to?

-Nothing.

0:26:470:26:50

But that's not what it looked like on the suspicious footage.

0:26:500:26:54

Let's just have a look at a picture of him and see what you think.

0:26:560:27:00

She could be inflating him.

0:27:000:27:01

Do you know what was noteworthy about the venue that evening?

0:27:050:27:09

It was a bar where the entertainment is dwarf throwing.

0:27:090:27:12

-Yes, it was their Mad Midget Weekender.

-And I'm not making it up!

0:27:120:27:16

What did the bar manager, Rich Dean, have to say about it?

0:27:180:27:21

We're open every Monday.

0:27:210:27:24

He actually insisted the England squad were impeccably behaved.

0:27:260:27:30

How can you be badly behaved at a midget-throwing bar?

0:27:300:27:34

You refuse to throw a midget, I suppose.

0:27:340:27:36

He said:

0:27:360:27:38

Tell that to the little people, Rich.

0:27:500:27:53

Anyone here ever thrown a dwarf?

0:27:530:27:56

What sort of an answer do you expect?

0:27:560:27:58

-"Yeah, I have!"

-You never know.

0:27:580:28:01

I've thrown a small person, one of my children, into a wall.

0:28:010:28:06

They've got to learn some time.

0:28:080:28:10

-Yes, quite.

-Absolutely.

0:28:100:28:13

Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.

0:28:130:28:17

Old flame, of course, meaning "ex-girlfriend",

0:28:170:28:19

not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.

0:28:190:28:23

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:28:240:28:26

BUZZER

0:28:320:28:33

Yes, there's been some controversy over the service

0:28:330:28:36

the BBC provides people who are hard of hearing.

0:28:360:28:39

The live text has come up with all kinds of strange things, like:

0:28:390:28:44

It sounds to me like, if you weren't relying on it, it'd be quite funny.

0:28:440:28:48

I wouldn't mind that in real life, if people just,

0:28:480:28:51

there was a slight delay in what they said

0:28:510:28:53

then you had somebody else's interpretation of what they might've said, via a computer.

0:28:530:28:57

It is, it's really good fun - has anyone seen any good ones?

0:28:570:29:01

-I have, but I can't remember. You've probably got them written down.

-Well... I have.

0:29:010:29:05

If you haven't, then we're wasting our time!

0:29:050:29:08

My favourite, which isn't written down, was in fact

0:29:080:29:11

an Ann Widdecombe statement where she was talking about something

0:29:110:29:15

being "an analogy", and that came up as "anal glory".

0:29:150:29:19

Marvellous, isn't it?

0:29:200:29:22

It flowers once a year, doesn't it?

0:29:250:29:28

But, here are some of the ones I have got written down.

0:29:300:29:34

They referred to the Leader of the Opposition as:

0:29:340:29:36

They told viewers:

0:29:420:29:43

And, rather bafflingly, Silvio Berlusconi was referred to as:

0:29:520:29:55

It's spontaneous poetry is what it is.

0:30:040:30:07

This is one of my favourites. They referred to Rowan Williams as:

0:30:070:30:10

APPLAUSE

0:30:130:30:15

That's a direct quote from Mugabe this week, isn't it?

0:30:200:30:24

Exactly, so that is indeed where the "Arch-Bitch" has been this week.

0:30:240:30:28

Sticking it to Mugabe. Do you know how it all went, Ian?

0:30:280:30:32

Um, yeah, the Archbishop, he went there, and most of the world

0:30:320:30:36

is just ignoring Mugabe, pretending it's not happening,

0:30:360:30:39

the Archbishop wanders in, stadium full of people cheering, and sticks it to him.

0:30:390:30:43

Tells him he's a disgrace,

0:30:430:30:45

and there's violence against Anglicans there,

0:30:450:30:49

and, um, he knocks on the door and gets a meeting with Mugabe.

0:30:490:30:54

I was quite impressed, really.

0:30:540:30:56

And then Mugabe had him killed.

0:30:560:30:58

As Dr Williams was leaving,

0:31:000:31:02

he was asked if he thought Mugabe seemed like a Christian man

0:31:020:31:05

and replied:

0:31:050:31:06

Way to go, Arch-Bitch!

0:31:120:31:14

APPLAUSE

0:31:170:31:20

So this is about the idle morons at the BBC

0:31:210:31:25

who can't get the subtitles right.

0:31:250:31:27

The BBC has also been accused of political correctness

0:31:310:31:34

by ordering presenters to avoid the terms "AD" and "BC",

0:31:340:31:37

which I think is a bit of a shame.

0:31:370:31:39

We've been using those terms since... I don't know how to describe it!

0:31:390:31:44

BBC presenter Andrew Marr says he has no problem with BC and AD,

0:31:440:31:49

though since that paternity test, he's not so keen on DNA.

0:31:490:31:54

Time now for the odd one out round.

0:31:580:32:01

One between you this week, and the four are -

0:32:010:32:04

Agatha Christie,

0:32:040:32:06

wheelchair rioter David Knott,

0:32:060:32:08

Kirsty Young, and Sir Cliff Richard.

0:32:080:32:10

BELL RINGS

0:32:100:32:12

Only Agatha Christie is dead.

0:32:120:32:14

Is that it?

0:32:160:32:18

GRAHAM: That's why you buzzed?!

0:32:180:32:19

Do you think it would be that simple?

0:32:190:32:21

-It might be.

-It isn't.

0:32:210:32:24

Agatha Christie was a windsurfer.

0:32:240:32:26

-It's not windsurfing, it's surfing.

-Surfing.

0:32:260:32:29

-Did the rioter use his stolen television as a surfboard?

-No.

0:32:290:32:33

-Think about what you do when you're surfing.

-You're riding the wave.

0:32:330:32:38

I'm going to give you a clue that would befit seven-year-olds.

0:32:410:32:45

Do you sit down when you're surfing?

0:32:450:32:48

You stand up! You stand up on a surfboard.

0:32:480:32:51

Seems like a very cruel Odd One Out!

0:32:510:32:52

And the man in the wheelchair can't stand up? That's dreadful!

0:32:520:32:56

They all stand up to do their job.

0:32:560:32:58

Kirsty stands, Sir Cliff sings standing up.

0:32:580:33:02

Agatha Christie wrote, standing up.

0:33:020:33:05

Yes! On a surfboard!

0:33:050:33:07

He stole stuff sitting down.

0:33:070:33:10

Yes, that is pretty much it.

0:33:110:33:14

APPLAUSE

0:33:140:33:16

So, the odd one out is, in fact, David Knott,

0:33:180:33:21

the wheelchair rioter, who, during the riots this summer,

0:33:210:33:25

was confined to a wheelchair because of a broken leg,

0:33:250:33:27

but still managed to get caught on camera stealing a TV from Argos.

0:33:270:33:32

Shocking, isn't it? Who the hell would want an Alba telly?

0:33:320:33:35

Sorry, is the connection that they can all stand up

0:33:380:33:42

-apart from the man in the wheelchair?

-No, no...

0:33:420:33:45

No!

0:33:480:33:50

It's, it's slightly more complex.

0:33:500:33:54

I hope so!

0:33:540:33:56

I'll tell you in a minute.

0:33:560:33:57

Agatha Christie, according to a new book,

0:33:570:33:59

may have been among the first Britons

0:33:590:34:01

to learn how to surf standing up.

0:34:010:34:04

Shall we have a look at her with her board?

0:34:040:34:06

Fred? Is that the name of the board?

0:34:060:34:08

That's not something she stole from the cemetery, is it?

0:34:080:34:11

It does look, the bit you can't see,

0:34:130:34:16

"May he rest in peace", behind her head!

0:34:160:34:19

She must have been a really good surfer, to surf on a tombstone!

0:34:190:34:22

Yeah, exactly! That's how Fred drowned in the first place!

0:34:220:34:27

Agatha Christie used to go surfing in Devon,

0:34:270:34:29

where she often came across traces of raw sewage on the beach.

0:34:290:34:32

But it was nigh-on impossible to work out whodunnit.

0:34:320:34:36

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:34:360:34:37

Thank you!

0:34:370:34:38

And Kirsty Young, in 1997, became the first British newsreader

0:34:380:34:44

to read the news standing up.

0:34:440:34:45

Fair do's or not fair do's, is that a good thing to do?

0:34:450:34:49

I guess when you look at old newscasters it does seem

0:34:490:34:52

a bit strange that everybody's sitting behind desks.

0:34:520:34:55

Maybe next series, we'll have you guys wandering around here!

0:34:550:34:59

Passing each other, and saying a bon mot, and then moving on.

0:34:590:35:04

Tossing off an impromptu!

0:35:040:35:08

Now, Cliff Richard this week actually revealed:

0:35:090:35:12

One of the thing Cliff does to avoid curvature of the spine.

0:35:160:35:21

He says:

0:35:210:35:24

Yes, it's all about posture, Cliff.

0:35:240:35:26

Back straight, toothbrush held firmly in one hand,

0:35:260:35:28

teeth held firmly in the other.

0:35:280:35:31

Cos he has got a sexy calendar out this Christmas.

0:35:320:35:36

Do you know what sort of poses it includes?

0:35:360:35:38

Topless!

0:35:380:35:39

In January, he's hugging a dolphin.

0:35:390:35:42

In April, he's caressing a horse.

0:35:420:35:45

In October, he's stabbing a camel!

0:35:450:35:47

TS Eliot said it was the cruellest month!

0:35:500:35:53

Cliff is currently promoting his 2012 calendar.

0:35:530:35:58

He told the Daily Mail:

0:35:580:35:59

Because no-one can tell where the jacket stops and the neck begins.

0:36:040:36:09

According to the Daily Mail, Kirsty Young used to present Channel 5 News...

0:36:110:36:15

I tried doing that on this show, but I flirtatiously broke the desk.

0:36:180:36:22

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:36:220:36:24

which, this week, features as its guest publication

0:36:240:36:27

The Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society newsletter.

0:36:270:36:31

They don't do pylons, they're not perverts!

0:36:310:36:34

We start with:

0:36:340:36:36

Poles?

0:36:400:36:41

Drunk? Hungover?

0:36:410:36:43

GRAHAM: Lost?

0:36:430:36:44

Bribed?

0:36:440:36:45

-Hot?

-Robbed?

0:36:450:36:46

VICTORIA: Cheating?

0:36:460:36:48

GRAHAM: Cranky?

0:36:480:36:49

Unified under Bismarck?

0:36:490:36:51

-I would love "unified under Bismarck" to be right!

-It's 1866!

0:36:530:36:57

It's:

0:36:570:37:00

In drugs tests after the 1966 World Cup final,

0:37:000:37:04

three Germans gave samples that revealed traces of a drug

0:37:040:37:08

from a cold remedy, while Bobby Charlton's sample revealed

0:37:080:37:11

suspiciously high levels of hair restorer.

0:37:110:37:13

Next:

0:37:160:37:17

It might be a bit long, but is it "me"?

0:37:210:37:23

"Is it a picture of Michael Winner smoking a cigar?"

0:37:270:37:30

Triumphantly, on the set of his latest film?

0:37:350:37:37

"Looks great!"

0:37:380:37:40

Is it "art"?

0:37:400:37:43

"Is it a telegraph pole?"

0:37:440:37:46

Er, no...

0:37:460:37:47

"Getting hot in here?"

0:37:470:37:49

-You're barking up the wrong tree.

-Yes!

0:37:490:37:51

All right, it's:

0:37:510:37:53

Let's have a look and see what you think.

0:37:580:38:01

-It couldn't be poo because the trajectory is wrong.

-Yeah.

0:38:010:38:04

I'm no Professor Poo, but...

0:38:040:38:07

Next:

0:38:070:38:09

That cartoon of Mohammed? Don't broadcast that!

0:38:110:38:15

That's just for us.

0:38:150:38:17

No, just for you, just for you!

0:38:170:38:21

APPLAUSE

0:38:210:38:24

No, it's:

0:38:240:38:26

A Finnish lawyers' group suggests new EU sexual harassment laws

0:38:290:38:33

should cover women eating ice-creams provocatively

0:38:330:38:36

in front of male colleagues.

0:38:360:38:39

I wouldn't do that,

0:38:390:38:40

I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.

0:38:400:38:44

D'you get a '99 with that?

0:38:500:38:52

And finally:

0:38:560:38:58

Telegraph pole!

0:39:030:39:04

Heart attack!

0:39:040:39:06

Doughnut!

0:39:070:39:09

-Not far off.

-Doughnuts!

0:39:090:39:10

Jam tomorrow. Jam today?

0:39:100:39:12

-Cake?

-GRAHAM: Toothpaste!

0:39:120:39:15

Doughnut tomorrow, coffee, er, tomorrow, coffee.

0:39:150:39:18

-Salad!

-No!

0:39:180:39:20

-Beetroot!

-No!

-Chocolate cake!

-No!

0:39:200:39:23

Gateaux!

0:39:230:39:24

VICTORIA: Macaroon!

0:39:240:39:25

No, it's true!

0:39:250:39:27

Cake, ordinary cake!

0:39:270:39:28

Today, doughnut, tomorrow, ordinary cake?!

0:39:280:39:31

Who's going to put that on a poster?!

0:39:310:39:33

I'd go there like a shot!

0:39:330:39:35

"It's ordinary cake day at Greggs!"

0:39:350:39:37

"Take the cherry off that cake, I want it ordinary! Bloody idiot!"

0:39:370:39:42

I'm going to have to tell you, it's, "Tomorrow, muffin"!

0:39:440:39:48

CHEERING

0:39:480:39:50

So, the final scores are, Ian and Victoria have six,

0:39:500:39:53

Paul and Graham, though, have seven!

0:39:530:39:57

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:39:570:39:58

We had to lose, sorry.

0:39:580:40:02

They don't really.

0:40:020:40:04

Before we go, just time for the Caption Competition.

0:40:040:40:07

Ian and Victoria have this...

0:40:070:40:10

"This way to the sharks."

0:40:100:40:11

"High hopes for new X-Factor super-group!"

0:40:140:40:17

And Paul and Graham get that...

0:40:200:40:23

Fancy meeting you in Sri Lanka!

0:40:260:40:27

APPLAUSE

0:40:320:40:34

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:370:40:40

Ian Hislop and Victoria Coren,

0:40:400:40:42

Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.

0:40:420:40:44

And I leave you with news that,

0:40:440:40:46

moments before receiving his knighthood,

0:40:460:40:48

there's some last-minute preparation for Sir Bruce Forsyth.

0:40:480:40:51

In New Zealand, as the England rugby team

0:40:560:40:59

are again accused of sexual harassment,

0:40:590:41:01

the victim tries to avoid the paparazzi.

0:41:010:41:04

And at Heathrow, there's embarrassment for Liam Fox

0:41:090:41:12

as one of his suitcases bursts open.

0:41:120:41:14

APPLAUSE

0:41:190:41:22

Good night!

0:41:220:41:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:360:41:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:41:400:41:44