Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week, while watching the Tory Conference on TV,

one viewer is surprised to get a mention in Theresa May's speech.

Police admit they should have reacted more forcefully

after Colonel Gaddafi is discovered living in a bedsit in Sheffield.

What we'll do is keep on calling you over the next few weeks,

just to see what you're up to, who you're hanging around with.

And after drowning his sorrows at a depressing Labour Party conference,

Alistair Darling decides it's time to head home.

On Ian's team tonight

is a writer with a well-known love for the English language, who says:

I typed that out myself. Please welcome Victoria Coren.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight

is a comedy writer of Father Ted and The IT Crowd,

who in the past has declared, "Most people think a show is made up

"by the cast as they go along."

Oh, dear, I haven't been given a punchline for that one.

Please welcome Graham Linehan.

APPLAUSE

So to round one, shall we play a game of Fox Or Cat?

Ian and Victoria, you get the first go.

Let's see if it's fox or cat.

That is the best game I've ever played.

GRAHAM: I don't understand it.

You will. It's landed on Fox, here's your foxy footage.

-Right.

-There he is, Foxy Knoxy.

-We're looking for the mystery man.

-Where's Adam Werritty?

Is this a new game, Where's Werritty?

You get a huge picture and you have to guess.

He's the tall one who hasn't got a proper pass.

This, of course, relates to the close friendship between Liam Fox and Adam Werritty.

And they are close, there's no denying that.

Let's have a look at Liam Fox, shall we?

Ah, look, there's Adam Werritty.

Here's Liam Fox again.

Ah... There's Adam again.

And here's Liam Fox again.

Oh, who's that with him?

That's his wife.

And... Ah, there he is!

You say that it's his wife, it could be a cut-out of her head stuck on his shoulder.

I bet he was delighted when he heard this show was coming back.

Our mystery guest is... Adam Werritty!

He seems to have brought somebody with him.

No, they just met accidentally outside!

People in the Press have been making a lot of the fact that he's 17 years younger,

he shared a house with him, he got him a job.

Fox, by the time this goes out, he may not be in a job any more,

because the Prime Minister said he had his full support.

It's so British that everyone is upset about it. Liam Fox is the Defence Secretary.

Is it British to be upset about possible corruption?

Because, most of the time, what Liam Fox is doing is making sure

weapons and guns go all around the world.

Usually we then decide five minutes later they are evil and we have to go and fight them.

Then he's in charge of making sure British soldiers go off

under-equipped, under-funded to be killed.

That's not his actual job remit.

-Then it turns out he's taken this friend out to a steak house, that's the moral problem.

-Yes.

It's like finding out Peter Sutcliffe has a parking ticket.

I suppose one of the moral problems is that

the new Prime Minister came in and said,

"it's a real problem in the previous government,

"lobbying, that's the big scandal, we're going to sort it out."

So, in the biggest ministry, with the biggest budget,

there's a bloke there and no-one knows who he is!

So old Werritty turns up and there's a four-star American general,

the Israeli Ambassador and the Defence Minister says, "Have you met Adam?

"He isn't vetted by security, he's got no pass,

"would you like to tell him about your job?"

"Yes, fine, that would be super."

You say four-star American general, is that one with excellent restaurant facilities?

The Press enjoyed it, particularly the cartoonists, they had a field day.

Here's the Sun, they liked it.

Because his name's Fox, get it?

The Telegraph and the Independent had much the same idea,

but at least we can rely on Newsnight to raise the tone.

Let's have a look:

'Labour MPs are not normally in favour of fox-hunting...'

VOICEOVER DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

What's he doing in the long grass and is he there on his own?

You say the Press have gone overboard.

But Mr Werritty, he's his friend and when Mr Fox was health spokesman,

Mr Werritty had a health consultancy.

When he became defence spokesman, he had a defence consultancy.

There's a lot of coincidences in life, aren't there?

I hate to come back to this, but he is the Defence Secretary.

-It is the most evil post in the Cabinet.

-It's not an evil post!

He should be dressing as Skeletor.

Shall we have a look at the business card he was giving out?

It looks quite posh, doesn't it?

VICTORIA: He might as well print on it, "my friend's got a proper job."

He hasn't thought this through

because he's crossed out the phone numbers.

The word "adviser" stupidly, a lot of people have interpreted

as meaning, he was an adviser.

As opposed to an old friend who used to live in his flat.

Easy mistake to make.

The Mail On Sunday strangely tried to get some speculation going about their relationship.

They got right to the heart of the matter:

Here's their evidence.

To be fair, they are at a wedding. Let's try this one.

-What are they doing there?

-That is a bit weird.

David Cameron was asked about his best man during the week.

Shall we take a look at what he said?

Have you ever taken your best man on a business trip?

Um, I had two best men, actually

and I don't think I've ever taken either of them on a business trip.

Ooh, two best men!

What did Liam Fox actually do when the issue hit the headlines?

He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he'd been doing.

If he found any wrongdoing, he'd be the first to know about it

and he would be extremely disappointed.

"Find out if I've done anything wrong.

"If you've been lying to me, I'll find out!"

And how many meetings did Liam Fox initially say he'd had with

-Werritty when he was asked?

-Six.

-14. 14, apparently.

-He meant 40.

-Well, by Wednesday, it had indeed gone up to 40.

-40.

-Easy slip to make.

-Yes.

And they met 18 times abroad

and 22 times in this country, so far as we know.

And Liam Fox used a curious phrase in the House of Commons

when he was asked if Werritty had made any money from their friendship.

Yes, he denied there was any "transactional behaviour."

Try that next time!

People don't use language like that if they've not got something to hide. That's a weird thing to say.

Are you suggesting the Minister of Defence had something to hide?

Why do you keep saying that?

That's obviously what we are all suggesting.

Well, I'm shocked.

APPLAUSE

He did one of those brilliant apologies that politicians do.

-He said, mistakes were made.

-That's right.

-By whom? You, at all?

It's this brilliant use of the passive. An "impression" of wrongdoing.

Funny, you get that impression when someone's been wrong-doing!

This is my impression of wrongdoing.

That's really good!

-Who was paying him?

-Oh yes, well... Oh, Atlantic Bridge.

He was given 90 grand by Atlantic Bridge.

A charity supposed to improve relations between

Britain and America or just Britain and American arms companies.

- That really needs a charity. - Absolutely heart-warming.

Not quite as attractive as donkey sanctuaries, is it?

Do you know where Werritty was living in 2002, rent-free?

Sorry, I mean, without any transactional behaviour?

He was living in Mr Fox's flat.

He was, funded almost entirely out of Liam Fox's expenses as an MP.

It is worth reminding ourselves that in order to renovate this flat,

Liam Fox upped the mortgage on it by £180,000,

and then he upped his MP expense claims to cover it.

Which means in a way, you and I were paying for Adam Werritty's accommodation.

It gives you a nice warm feeling.

-Let's go to Dubai for a bit.

-Ooh, let's.

-What a lovely place it is.

-Indeed.

It's the kind of place where nothing shady ever goes on.

It's very hot.

RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

Be fair, that might be the best joke of the night!

That might be a highlight at the end of this.

What did Liam Fox say about how the meeting had come about?

He said it came about by accident.

He said, Werritty happened to be in Dubai, Fox happened to be arriving the next day.

As luck would have it, Werritty happened to be in a restaurant in Dubai

and the American businessman happened to be on the next table.

Bloody hell, that was lucky, wasn't it?

Here's the American businessman concerned, Harvey Boulter.

He's got a nice pair of big, yellow trousers on.

GRAHAM: That's the kind of guy you just know he's a really nice guy.

Ladies in bikinis don't just trust anybody.

They're not ladies in bikinis, they're special advisers!

What did Adam Werritty have regular access to?

Take that any way you want.

Is that the answer? That can't be the answer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Access to his diary.

-Absolutely right.

So, when he was returning home from a war-zone,

Mr Werritty knew where he would be.

You would think, if he had access to his diary,

he'd be able to plan ahead a bit more, rather than relying on chance.

Yes, this is the only bit of Fox News worth watching.

As speculation grew over the nature of Liam Fox's friendship

with Adam Werritty, The Guardian reported that

support from backbenchers has been:

That's from their new political correspondent, Julian Clary.

According to BBC News:

Either that or his wife had just come home early.

APPLAUSE

Liam Fox is no stranger to controversy.

He was once forced to make a public apology

after describing the Spice Girls as:

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

Oh!

It was then that he realised, to keep him out of trouble,

what he really needed was an adviser.

Paul and Graham, you get the next spin.

MAN CHEERS

Somebody cheered, you're easily pleased!

We've got the cat, that was the option with the left. This is the cat that didn't bark in the night.

Theresa May said, "I'm not making this up",

then famously said something that was made up.

Yes. Take a look at this.

-We're supposed to talk, aren't we?

-Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER

I'm so into silent film, I thought it was one I hadn't seen!

-There's Charlie Chaplin. Oh, it's not him. Cat coming through the door. I see.

-We covered that!

Yeah, well done! Well done. I drifted off completely.

APPLAUSE

So it's the cat she made up that wasn't made up that she did make up.

The cat didn't want to emigrate and somebody found out it had a job as a window cleaner,

but it spoke fluent Bulgarian and was allowed to stay.

I'm not making this up!

What's the cat's name, do you know?

William Johnson.

-The cat's name is Maya.

-It is.

-That's right.

It's a bit like Theresa May,

which is one of those coincidences that Mr Fox would appreciate.

There's a televis... Dr Fox's Mysterious World.

-The Fantastic Mr Fox!

-The Underwater World Of Adam Werritty.

Bob-bob-bob!

What does the whole situation prove?

That when politicians make things up, they shouldn't say, "I'm not making this up."

What do you want to know about this cat?

-Yeah, what do you want to know?!

-Who are you?!

-I don't know!

-I think we found out earlier. I've got no idea.

-Why are you asking these questions?

-I only came in for a passport.

-I'm not standing for this!

How many years does it take to get a passport in this country?

I know a bloke who could probably fix one!

Do I have to travel under the name of Adam Werritty? I don't mind, I've done worse.

-Have you?

-No.

-I didn't think you had.

-I haven't got the nerve.

Personally, I was relieved to hear a cat was a sign of having a settled family life.

I wish someone would tell my mother that on my behalf.

I think Theresa May used it to illustrate the sorry state of justice in this country.

In front of a home Tory audience she said,

"There was a Bolivian student immigrant who was allowed to stay just because of his cat."

Kenneth Clarke was in the audience and no-one's told him the etiquette of being in the Tory party,

so he said, "Childish rubbish!"

Which was considered very bad form, so then they had this argument.

-And who was right?

-In the original case, the cat was brought up.

It is a Bolivian student who was caught shoplifting and cautioned.

When he appealed to stay, one of the things they said was he had a cat,

he and his partner, but it wasn't the main reason he was allowed to stay.

So the truth was as, as ever, not there.

But the funny thing was Chris Huhne, who's also meant to be in the Cabinet,

rang up the Guardian and said, "She got this speech from Nigel Farage, the bloke at UKIP.

"He made the same speech."

But when he pressed the button on his phone, it went public,

so everyone knew he'd try to shop his Cabinet colleague.

That was on Twitter. Someone tweeted it and it said something like,

"I don't want my fingerprints anywhere near this."

-So what's the button you press wrong?

-Send!

He was trying to send a direct message which no-one else can see.

But Twitter is such an open network that you have to be careful when discussing anything like that.

It's like CC-ing everyone in the world on an e-mail.

"I hate everybody." Aargh!

-Shall we have a look at Theresa May?

-Yes, why not?

I insist on it.

The robber who cannot be removed because he has a girlfriend.

The illegal immigrant who cannot be deported because -

and I am not making this up -

because he had a pet cat.

Let's see what old Nige Farage said.

Under the Human Rights Act, he claimed he shouldn't be deported,

because, and I really am not making this up, because he had a pet cat.

The brilliant thing about Farage is that when he told the story, he got the nationality of the guy wrong,

and called him a Peruvian, then turned him into a murderer!

Rather than a shoplifter!

A Bolivian shoplifter becomes a Peruvian murderer?!

-Who, come on, who intervened to smooth things over?

-Lionel Blair!

-Was it Tony Blair?

-No.

Did he step in and solve it and then make 3 million quid on the way?

APPLAUSE

That's who I meant, not Lionel Blair, Tony Blair!

No, it was Nick Clegg. He said both sides were right.

Clarke was rebuked in no uncertain terms by David Cameron.

What stinging put-down was in Dave's conference speech?

He said, "Shut up, fatty."

He said:

Ho, ho, bloody ho.

Do you know how Camilo came to the attention of the immigration authorities in the first place?

He shoplifted...a cat.

-Actually, well, not a real one. He nicked a knick-knack.

-A ceramic cat?

-He's got a collection of cat toys?

-That's right.

Oh, no, he's one of those people that likes cat memorabilia. They should deport him.

-Where did they live?

-Catford.

APPLAUSE

Actually, Elephant and Castle, poor bastards.

In a £200,000 property.

Bollocks. Nothing's worth that much in the Elephant and Castle.

If you're watching the repeat, £100,000.

If you're watching on Dave, you can't give it away.

Back to my friends, the Press. They had a field day with cat puns.

-Anyone want to...

-Unlike us.

Gone to the cats. No, that's not a pun, sorry.

It was a safe area for them cos they could make cat jokes without it being undignified

so they went for every cat joke they could think of.

They went for Cat Flaps, Cat Fights, Claws Falls, Paws For Thought.

-Cat-astrophe? Was that in there?

-No. That's bloody brilliant.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's what I do.

And she wears kitten heels. That was there.

And he wears Hush Puppies. Which isn't cats, really.

And they cat-ched him. No, they caught him. Damn!

-It's not easy, is it?

-How do you do this every week?

-No idea.

Staying with catty comments, let's talk about retail guru

and adviser to David Cameron, Mary Portas.

She said something very rude in a magazine interview about Tory female ministers.

Do you know what it was?

They're all ugly.

Yeah, she said:

For no other reason than there's another woman here, shall we look at some of the clothes?

Ooh, let's have a look.

You have to say what's wrong with these ministers' clothes. Let's start with Cheryl Gillan.

Is it made of cat?

Assuming that's not real fur, I think she looks perfectly nice.

Absolutely. It's fake fur, but Mary Portas says it's too big.

She could be standing on a midget.

Who's just a close friend who by coincidence is walking under the coat at the time she came out.

Every so often a hand comes out with a card.

Sometimes a cup of tea if the mood's right.

Here's Theresa May. What did Mary Portas think of this?

VICTORIA: Am I mad? I think that looks quite nice.

-Yeah, me too.

-GRAHAM: Really?

-Yeah.

-And what I say in retail...

-LAUGHTER

It looks a bit like an explosion in a zebra factory.

But that's... That's all right.

Mary said the coat looks too much like a house coat.

Can we go back to the picture of Mary Portas?

Oh, none of that works.

She's got two watches on.

Apparently, with Caroline Spelman's outfit, the colour's boring.

GRAHAM: It's black that no-one wears except every clothes designer in the world

while trying to make everybody else dress in ridiculous Lady Gaga nonsense.

Sounds like a personal issue there.

Have you been stung by the Lady Gaga fashion industry?

Yeah, that was a very embarrassing weekend.

Those bacon trousers.

Can't wear them outdoors!

They don't tell you that when you buy them.

Dogs chase you.

The pork sausage underpants are doing it for me.

And of course they don't allow this sort of

sexist attitude towards women in Ed Miliband's Labour Party, do they?

Anyone know what they've called the new influx of women into Ed's new Shadow Cabinet?

The Mili-tarts or something?

Something like that.

Ed Miliband's Bunch of Rough Prostitutes?

Trollops and strumpets, every one of them!

It's:

GROANING

That's hideous, isn't it?

Finally, what other story rocked Parliament this week?

It must be about Big Ben leaning over.

It is indeed. Listen carefully to what this expert said about it.

We're talking about a 300-foot tower which as a .26 degree lean

which is absolutely minute.

To give you some idea, the Leaning Tower of Pizza is five degrees.

LAUGHTER

I think it's in Lewisham, the Leaning Tower of Pizza.

You could see it leaning in that shot, couldn't you?

It was definitely leaning if you want to...

Is it?

This is the story, and I'm not making this up,

about two Cabinet ministers arguing over a cat.

Asked about the relationship between Ken Clarke and Theresa May, one senior Tory said:

Blimey, two Tory MPs I agree with.

Mary Portas, self-crowned Queen of Shops, has attacked the fashion sense

of the four female ministers in the cabinet saying:

Sod the budget deficit, let's find a nice push-up bra for Baroness Warsi.

Mary Portas was recently appointed a Downing Street adviser on Britain's retail industry.

Yes, you heard that right, Mary Portas is an official Government adviser.

Yet another kick in the teeth for Adam Werritty.

And so to the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

The clue is the ferry, this is the English rugby team coming back

from their not very happy World Cup.

This is a member of the team

deciding the best way to celebrate being knocked out

was to jump off the ferry and swim to the pontoon,

I suppose it's called.

Another story in a disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.

-Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?

-No.

It starts with M. And it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.

-IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-Michael. Michael. My name's Michael.

That's terrible!

His name's actually Manu Tuilagi.

Do you know what the repercussions were?

He met David Walliams?

He was detained by New Zealand police and fined £3,000

by the Rugby Football Union, and the ferry company condemned the stupid stunt.

At least, I think that's what they said.

England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been:

Tuilagi's stunt rounded off the team's tour of shame rather nicely.

What else did they get up to while they were Down Under?

-Ball-swapping during the match.

-That's right.

-I didn't see it,

-but I don't know how you think you can get away with it.

-How do you do that?

Jonny Wilkinson, the guy who specialises in taking the goal attempt,

he liked a particular brand of ball, so when the ball went out of play,

they just brought the other ball on and gave it to him and...

He pretended one of the players was pregnant.

They don't think these things through.

The biggest scandal involved Zara Phillips' new hubby Mike Tindall.

-What did he get up to?

-Nothing.

But that's not what it looked like on the suspicious footage.

Let's just have a look at a picture of him and see what you think.

She could be inflating him.

Do you know what was noteworthy about the venue that evening?

It was a bar where the entertainment is dwarf throwing.

-Yes, it was their Mad Midget Weekender.

-And I'm not making it up!

What did the bar manager, Rich Dean, have to say about it?

We're open every Monday.

He actually insisted the England squad were impeccably behaved.

How can you be badly behaved at a midget-throwing bar?

You refuse to throw a midget, I suppose.

He said:

Tell that to the little people, Rich.

Anyone here ever thrown a dwarf?

What sort of an answer do you expect?

-"Yeah, I have!"

-You never know.

I've thrown a small person, one of my children, into a wall.

They've got to learn some time.

-Yes, quite.

-Absolutely.

Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.

Old flame, of course, meaning "ex-girlfriend",

not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes, there's been some controversy over the service

the BBC provides people who are hard of hearing.

The live text has come up with all kinds of strange things, like:

It sounds to me like, if you weren't relying on it, it'd be quite funny.

I wouldn't mind that in real life, if people just,

there was a slight delay in what they said

then you had somebody else's interpretation of what they might've said, via a computer.

It is, it's really good fun - has anyone seen any good ones?

-I have, but I can't remember. You've probably got them written down.

-Well... I have.

If you haven't, then we're wasting our time!

My favourite, which isn't written down, was in fact

an Ann Widdecombe statement where she was talking about something

being "an analogy", and that came up as "anal glory".

Marvellous, isn't it?

It flowers once a year, doesn't it?

But, here are some of the ones I have got written down.

They referred to the Leader of the Opposition as:

They told viewers:

And, rather bafflingly, Silvio Berlusconi was referred to as:

It's spontaneous poetry is what it is.

This is one of my favourites. They referred to Rowan Williams as:

APPLAUSE

That's a direct quote from Mugabe this week, isn't it?

Exactly, so that is indeed where the "Arch-Bitch" has been this week.

Sticking it to Mugabe. Do you know how it all went, Ian?

Um, yeah, the Archbishop, he went there, and most of the world

is just ignoring Mugabe, pretending it's not happening,

the Archbishop wanders in, stadium full of people cheering, and sticks it to him.

Tells him he's a disgrace,

and there's violence against Anglicans there,

and, um, he knocks on the door and gets a meeting with Mugabe.

I was quite impressed, really.

And then Mugabe had him killed.

As Dr Williams was leaving,

he was asked if he thought Mugabe seemed like a Christian man

and replied:

Way to go, Arch-Bitch!

APPLAUSE

So this is about the idle morons at the BBC

who can't get the subtitles right.

The BBC has also been accused of political correctness

by ordering presenters to avoid the terms "AD" and "BC",

which I think is a bit of a shame.

We've been using those terms since... I don't know how to describe it!

BBC presenter Andrew Marr says he has no problem with BC and AD,

though since that paternity test, he's not so keen on DNA.

Time now for the odd one out round.

One between you this week, and the four are -

Agatha Christie,

wheelchair rioter David Knott,

Kirsty Young, and Sir Cliff Richard.

BELL RINGS

Only Agatha Christie is dead.

Is that it?

GRAHAM: That's why you buzzed?!

Do you think it would be that simple?

-It might be.

-It isn't.

Agatha Christie was a windsurfer.

-It's not windsurfing, it's surfing.

-Surfing.

-Did the rioter use his stolen television as a surfboard?

-No.

-Think about what you do when you're surfing.

-You're riding the wave.

I'm going to give you a clue that would befit seven-year-olds.

Do you sit down when you're surfing?

You stand up! You stand up on a surfboard.

Seems like a very cruel Odd One Out!

And the man in the wheelchair can't stand up? That's dreadful!

They all stand up to do their job.

Kirsty stands, Sir Cliff sings standing up.

Agatha Christie wrote, standing up.

Yes! On a surfboard!

He stole stuff sitting down.

Yes, that is pretty much it.

APPLAUSE

So, the odd one out is, in fact, David Knott,

the wheelchair rioter, who, during the riots this summer,

was confined to a wheelchair because of a broken leg,

but still managed to get caught on camera stealing a TV from Argos.

Shocking, isn't it? Who the hell would want an Alba telly?

Sorry, is the connection that they can all stand up

-apart from the man in the wheelchair?

-No, no...

No!

It's, it's slightly more complex.

I hope so!

I'll tell you in a minute.

Agatha Christie, according to a new book,

may have been among the first Britons

to learn how to surf standing up.

Shall we have a look at her with her board?

Fred? Is that the name of the board?

That's not something she stole from the cemetery, is it?

It does look, the bit you can't see,

"May he rest in peace", behind her head!

She must have been a really good surfer, to surf on a tombstone!

Yeah, exactly! That's how Fred drowned in the first place!

Agatha Christie used to go surfing in Devon,

where she often came across traces of raw sewage on the beach.

But it was nigh-on impossible to work out whodunnit.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Thank you!

And Kirsty Young, in 1997, became the first British newsreader

to read the news standing up.

Fair do's or not fair do's, is that a good thing to do?

I guess when you look at old newscasters it does seem

a bit strange that everybody's sitting behind desks.

Maybe next series, we'll have you guys wandering around here!

Passing each other, and saying a bon mot, and then moving on.

Tossing off an impromptu!

Now, Cliff Richard this week actually revealed:

One of the thing Cliff does to avoid curvature of the spine.

He says:

Yes, it's all about posture, Cliff.

Back straight, toothbrush held firmly in one hand,

teeth held firmly in the other.

Cos he has got a sexy calendar out this Christmas.

Do you know what sort of poses it includes?

Topless!

In January, he's hugging a dolphin.

In April, he's caressing a horse.

In October, he's stabbing a camel!

TS Eliot said it was the cruellest month!

Cliff is currently promoting his 2012 calendar.

He told the Daily Mail:

Because no-one can tell where the jacket stops and the neck begins.

According to the Daily Mail, Kirsty Young used to present Channel 5 News...

I tried doing that on this show, but I flirtatiously broke the desk.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which, this week, features as its guest publication

The Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society newsletter.

They don't do pylons, they're not perverts!

We start with:

Poles?

Drunk? Hungover?

GRAHAM: Lost?

Bribed?

-Hot?

-Robbed?

VICTORIA: Cheating?

GRAHAM: Cranky?

Unified under Bismarck?

-I would love "unified under Bismarck" to be right!

-It's 1866!

It's:

In drugs tests after the 1966 World Cup final,

three Germans gave samples that revealed traces of a drug

from a cold remedy, while Bobby Charlton's sample revealed

suspiciously high levels of hair restorer.

Next:

It might be a bit long, but is it "me"?

"Is it a picture of Michael Winner smoking a cigar?"

Triumphantly, on the set of his latest film?

"Looks great!"

Is it "art"?

"Is it a telegraph pole?"

Er, no...

"Getting hot in here?"

-You're barking up the wrong tree.

-Yes!

All right, it's:

Let's have a look and see what you think.

-It couldn't be poo because the trajectory is wrong.

-Yeah.

I'm no Professor Poo, but...

Next:

That cartoon of Mohammed? Don't broadcast that!

That's just for us.

No, just for you, just for you!

APPLAUSE

No, it's:

A Finnish lawyers' group suggests new EU sexual harassment laws

should cover women eating ice-creams provocatively

in front of male colleagues.

I wouldn't do that,

I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.

D'you get a '99 with that?

And finally:

Telegraph pole!

Heart attack!

Doughnut!

-Not far off.

-Doughnuts!

Jam tomorrow. Jam today?

-Cake?

-GRAHAM: Toothpaste!

Doughnut tomorrow, coffee, er, tomorrow, coffee.

-Salad!

-No!

-Beetroot!

-No!

-Chocolate cake!

-No!

Gateaux!

VICTORIA: Macaroon!

No, it's true!

Cake, ordinary cake!

Today, doughnut, tomorrow, ordinary cake?!

Who's going to put that on a poster?!

I'd go there like a shot!

"It's ordinary cake day at Greggs!"

"Take the cherry off that cake, I want it ordinary! Bloody idiot!"

I'm going to have to tell you, it's, "Tomorrow, muffin"!

CHEERING

So, the final scores are, Ian and Victoria have six,

Paul and Graham, though, have seven!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We had to lose, sorry.

They don't really.

Before we go, just time for the Caption Competition.

Ian and Victoria have this...

"This way to the sharks."

"High hopes for new X-Factor super-group!"

And Paul and Graham get that...

Fancy meeting you in Sri Lanka!

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Victoria Coren,

Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.

And I leave you with news that,

moments before receiving his knighthood,

there's some last-minute preparation for Sir Bruce Forsyth.

In New Zealand, as the England rugby team

are again accused of sexual harassment,

the victim tries to avoid the paparazzi.

And at Heathrow, there's embarrassment for Liam Fox

as one of his suitcases bursts open.

APPLAUSE

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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