Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This is very spooky indeed.

I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured,

I was hosting this show the week Osama Bin Laden was captured,

and today, ladies and gentleman, the day Westlife split up.

Here I am.

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week, as news of the demise of Colonel Gaddafi

flashes around the world, there is evidence that his team

of 20 young female bodyguards may not be out of work for long.

In south London, a reporter makes an impassioned appeal

for information regarding the whereabouts of a confused elderly Australian sports fan.

And before performing at the O2 Arena,

Dame Vera Lynn is less than impressed with the toilet facilities.

On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author,

who describes her work as trashy, with no redeeming merit.

On the other hand, her chick-lit books are great.

Please welcome Louise Mensch.

APPLAUSE

With Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who recently described BBC executives

as "soulless, soulless bastards", which some might say is a little heavy on the soulless

and a little light on the bastards.

Please welcome Danny Baker!

Let's start with a fairly big story, take a look at this.

DANNY: No-one stops and searches a tractor, do they?

Oh, they're happy.

Oh, no! He's back.

There we are, in case we didn't know what the story was.

LOUISE: Nice, safe celebrations there.

So, Gaddafi's dead. Big comedy moment.

Where was he found?

In a sewer.

-A sewer pipe.

-A sewer pipe, yeah.

They're always found underground, aren't they? Never in the air.

There must be something online, called Tunnels For Tyrants.

-TFT.

-TFT!

They're always so mean because they must be offered -

"Do you want the single pipe or the multiwarren?"

"Just the single pipe for me!" There's never a way out!

They learnt their lesson this time, didn't they?

With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial.

But luckily, this time, he was shot,

so we didn't have to see all the character witnesses turning out for Gaddafi.

-Tony Blair...

-Oh, yeah!

He didn't even get one last broadcast. I used to enjoy his radio shows.

A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi.

He used to say, you know, the running dog,

the treacherous vultures of Washington

shall pay for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race

and now, for Tracy, here's The Beach Boys!

Well, cryptically, al-Jazeera started off by saying that

a "big fish" had been found,

while a BBC reporter announced...

I thought, "They've got Mick Hucknall!"

There was instant reaction around the world,

including on the Daily Mail website,

where the following message was posted by Sean from London...

Oh, do piss off, Sean.

APPLAUSE

How did the people of Sirte celebrate the news?

They fired bullets into the air. It's very dangerous to do that, it'll come down and kill you.

I hate to trivialise this, but on Firework Night,

I wonder where the rockets come down.

And think this is the lesson that we could show,

some good could come out of this.

The last bit of the rocket that comes down is a wooden stick.

-You'd be impaled.

-You would.

-Especially if the rocket's still flaming away.

It lands on your head and you go to school the next day and don't know about it.

-That's how this happened.

-Yeah, you see? That's how that happened.

That was a Catherine wheel gone wrong.

What were they doing in Sirte by way of celebration?

Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?

Dangerous, I'd have thought!

Yeah. Yeah, too soon, too soon.

No, apparently the shops were thrown open so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied,

a tradition started in Tottenham this summer.

Andrew Mitchell, the International Development Secretary, came in with this.

Yes, he's the cabinet minister with special responsibility for brown-nosing.

This is the death of Colonel Gaddafi.

One of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio Berlusconi, who said...

..but it turned out he was just trying to say one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a minibus.

That is the oldest joke I have ever heard.

It was revealed in the last week,

Colonel Gaddafi had been trying to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya

with a high-ranking British contact but for some reason,

Adam Werrity never turned up.

Ian and Louise, take a look at this.

Oh, he's not bitter.

That is the former defence secretary. So that's the wrath of something flashing over the Cabinet Office.

There's Gus O'Donnell looking scary.

-A diary.

-Rather empty now. But he's gone.

Dr Fox resigned and he's got a £17,000 payoff.

David Cameron says, "We've got to put this story behind us. Forget about it.

"It was embarrassing. It's over."

And what's wrong with that?

And what's wrong with that? It isn't.

Isn't it?

Not if I can help it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Were you there for his goodbye resignation speech?

-I did hear his goodbye resignation speech.

-Were you moved?

-I was moved, especially when he thanked his wife

and the people around him that were targeted by the media, I was moved.

Did you think, "God, the media! They're to blame!"

I don't think they were to blame... I don't think the media...

Cos if it hadn't been for the media, he'd still be in his job!

I think there were legitimate things that the media asked

-and illegitimate things that the media asked.

-Which ones were they?

The innuendo about his personal life.

He said he'd blurred his professional and personal life,

so presumably we were entitled to ask about the personal life.

There was a legitimate area of enquiry, that's fine,

most of the coverage was not about that legitimate area of enquiry.

So if he had his mate in the room, who wasn't security-vetted,

who was listening to briefings that he should have had nothing to do with.

A mate who was paid by shadowy transatlantic interests, including the Israeli government

and the Iranians and others, who were paying, through a fake company... What was it called?

Sat nav or Pargav or something,

which managed to fork out all this money,

I mean, it was a really shocking dereliction of duty.

It was a breach in the ministerial code and he resigned.

"It's a breach of the code" sounds like he's ripped his trousers!

APPLAUSE

It seems an extraordinary thing to take your mate along

when you're dealing with nuclear warheads "and that".

"Come in, he's all right, he's all right, come in. Sit down.

"Order some drinks up, we'll have this done in ten minutes, go on."

There was some cheap innuendo, wasn't there? Quite a lot of it.

-Nope.

-There was no cheap innuendo at all?

If Adam Werrity had been a young girl, 17 years younger than a minister,

who he'd met at university, put in his own house, given a job, stuck with him

and taken on holiday to a four-star hotel,

then you'd have seen some proper innuendo!

APPLAUSE

So you're saying Fox resigned because he did something wrong.

Or did he?

Here is his colleague, Peter Bone MP, on Newsnight.

Why not accept the obvious, that...

That he resigned cos he did something wrong.

Absolutely not.

He resigned cos he did something right?

He resigned, yes, because he did something right.

LAUGHTER

So who's taken over at Defence?

Er, Hammond.

Hammond.

No, me neither.

Most of the papers described him as...

..although The Independent went with...

I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox,

there wouldn't be any sympathy.

Because now everyone can say, "Oh, Fox was hounded.

"The Fox was hunted."

What if he'd been called Dr Liam Piranha?

Dr Liam Vampire-Squid.

I think we'd have had a more accurate representation.

David Cameron said that he felt ministerial rules needed to be tightened.

I think perhaps what he meant was "followed".

Political lobbying is in the spotlight again after the Fox affair.

David Cameron's been fairly outspoken on this issue for a number of years.

Anyone know what he said previously about lobbying?

He said it was the next big scandal. He said it had to be sorted out.

-Absolutely.

-And he has.

-We are sorting it out, we're bringing in a register for lobbyists.

It was recommended in 2009 by the Select Committee, Labour said,

"No, we're not doing it," Ed Miliband voted against it. We're going to bring it in.

-Let sunshine win the day.

-Who's competing against sunshine for the day?

"Let sunshine win the day",

so who is sunshine competing against for the honour of the day?

I think the night.

The night can't compete for the day.

-Its hours are completely different.

-But you need sunshine to win the day.

But this isn't your most controversial policy, is it?

LAUGHTER

"The sunshine's better than the night-time."

These things only tend to happen once, sort of, you know...

resignation shame, police involved.

It's like if I'm caught shoplifting and I say, "You know what? I'm never doing that again.

"That's in my favour. How about that?"

I have blurred the distinction between thieving and not thieving.

Does anyone remember these two people?

-Yes.

-That's Julie Kirkbride and Andrew, erm...

And Andrew MacKay, both of whom stood down as MPs

after they had to repay £60,000 of expenses.

Guess what they're both doing now.

-They work for a lobby company?

-They absolutely do, yes.

You're always going to have lobbyists in a democracy, it's whether or not

you meet them secretly that's the issue, surely?

Incidentally...

And also why you should be able to pay for access,

because the people on the other side of whatever issue it is -

I don't know, nuclear power, guns for Iran, Israel, whatever,

they don't have the money to buy the lobbyist.

So if you happen to, say, have your mate in the office -

I'm just, you know, I'm trying to avoid innuendo here -

and he's been paid by the people who have got money

but the people who haven't got money don't have any access to you,

then that lobbying is unfair.

I think it would be difficult in the real world to get by without groups having lobbyists.

Shall we try?

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what...

APPLAUSE

You name me a single democracy that doesn't have lobbyists

-and we'll see how it works.

-And we'll all cheer.

Name one anywhere.

Is there such a one?

-Anywhere?

-Poundland.

-Poundland?

-No, that's not a country, I keep mistaking it.

17 grand would go a long way in Poundland, wouldn't it?

So who has benefited from Fox's fall from grace?

Apart from Philip Hammond.

I think we all have.

Here's someone who has.

-She has benefited. Here we have Chloe Smith.

-LOUISE: Ah.

And there's been a mini-reshuffle and she has got the job of Economic Secretary to the Treasury.

How old is she?

She's 29. If you're good enough, you're old enough.

-Bit annoying?

-No, not at all.

Erm...

Here's another youngster, one of your coalition colleagues, Louise.

This is Sarah Teather. Let's see her going down a storm at the Lib Dem conference this year.

I thought I wouldn't keep you for too long tonight,

because I want to get back to my hotel room to watch Strictly.

Do you watch it?

MURMURING Of course you do.

I heard, though,

that they've got Peter Hain booked for the next series.

He's doing the tango...

Or has he been tangoed?

SILENCE

LAUGHTER IN STUDIO

According to George Osborne,

I heard that he's quite keen to get on the show as well.

He wants to do a line dance.

Probably damages my efforts at ever getting anything through

the quad ever again, but, er, never mind.

Oh! She seems fun!

Another beneficiary of the distraction provided by the Fox debacle

was Oliver Letwin, or as the Mirror called him...

So what has gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin been up to?

He was found in a park throwing away papers which the Mirror said were secret papers.

Apparently they weren't secret or classified, but Oliver was throwing them away in a bin.

It was all harmless, was it? Fox has meetings abroad

and there's nothing in those that his mate heard.

There's nothing in these papers - what do your mob actually do?

APPLAUSE

My uncle lost his job for doing his work in the park.

Mind you, he was a gravedigger, so you could see...

You could see the trouble the council had.

Amongst the dumped papers was a copy of a letter between MPs Andrew Tyrie

and Malcolm Rifkind. Did anyone see how that began?

"Don't let Oliver Letwin see this, he'll throw it in the bin."

It said this...

Although gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Oliver Letwin probably won't.

A spokesman said...

Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop?

But Letwin has apologised.

I do apologise because I do understand

that constituents may feel that, er, I shouldn't have allowed,

er, their papers to be, er,

in that bin.

He shouldn't have ALLOWED it.

The papers were going in the bin, he saw it, but he allowed it.

Separated from him.

I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed it.

Cameron's spokesman was very quick to react. He said...

Uh-oh.

Last week, Cameron said...

Bye, Ollie.

I can't help thinking that they're just characters in a Dickens novel.

That's my problem. "Have you met Mr Werrity?"

"Ah, he's with Dr Fox."

"And what's Mr Letwin doing?" "Oh, dear.

"He's a Womble in reverse."

-AS GREAT UNCLE BULGARIA:

-"Oh, I seem to have thrown all this correspondence away.

"I didn't know it was wrong."

And your fellow MP and coalition partner Mike Hancock has been in the news again...

-He has.

-..this week.

Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart of the Defence Select Committee,

stepped down from it this week after it was revealed that a young lady

with whom he'd been having an affair might have been a Russian spy.

There is a question that she was allowed to see some confidential briefings and what have you.

She had a pass and was vetted by the Commons authorities.

A proper pass, or did it just say "Advisor" on it?

No, an actual pass.

A vetted pass, to be fair, but she was a very young and attractive lady and although...

-I hope this isn't innuendo!

-It isn't innuendo!

APPLAUSE She was actually quite an attractive lady.

The Russian intern and mistress was called Ekaterina Zatuliveter

and she's currently fighting extradition. In the papers,

Mike Hancock was described as being...

That's code for "bit of a shagger".

APPLAUSE

They said, "Ekaterina is..."

That's code for "bit of a slag".

LOUISE: Ooh.

APPLAUSE

How come he's only a shagger but he's a slag? That's worse.

Tiny bit of sexism there in the comparable terms you just used.

It's the code.

-It's the code? Whose code?

-Yeah, it's the code.

-You're breaching the comics' code.

-Is it the blokes' code?

-I'm just saying what the code of the tabloids is.

-It's the male code.

-Ah, the evil tabloids.

Everybody knows what the code means.

He's a shagger and she's a slag.

I'm not defending the code, I think it's abhorrent.

Can't we say that they both have inappropriate relationships?

-There we are.

-They've blurred the line between not having sex

and having sex.

Because they went so fast there was a blur.

"Who's doing what to whom?"

"I've no idea, pass the biscuits." And then they woke up and it was all a dream.

Yes, what was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?

He didn't have to do anything. She had the opening line,

"I hear you have a huge naval base in your constituency."

"Want to find out, baby?"

Apparently he offered her a CD...

"There's the naval, there's the base, d'you know what I mean, darling?

"You won't be taking this up the Kremlin, will you?

Paul!

No, he offered her a CD.

-A CD?!

-Yes.

She eventually moved into his London flat. A while ago,

he submitted an expense claim for an iron for that very flat. He said he needed one because...

I bet you do, Mike, you old rascal!

Er, yes, it's another bad week for the coalition.

One MP in trouble this week is MP Mike Hancock,

whose young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy.

Miss Zatuliveter was described in court as...

..and Lib Dem backbenchers.

Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spy but admits to having affairs with...

But she can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour.

Oh.

It's alleged that Miss Zatuliveter had an affair with an MP

in order to obtain Government secrets,

though if that was all she wanted, she could have just gone to a St James's Park bin.

Paul and Danny, take a look at this.

Oh, right, yes, this is the travellers being run out of the...

-The Olympic Stadium's coming on well.

-Yes, that's doing well, isn't it?

And the Olympic rings, only three have turned up!

Yes, that is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site

near Basildon.

It has been reported that several people had been Tasered.

Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.

It's about ten years this has been going on,

and they've spent 18 million quid essentially on what,

something like 40 families? It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.

People have said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent," on what should be,

given all the other problems, something a bit soluble, really.

Or at least, in the modern way, turn it into some kind of show.

-The caravan being evicted this week.

-Is...

What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?

The protest going on outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.

DANNY: They may have to close it down.

-They've already had to close the shop and the cafe.

-Oh, OK!

What's happening to religion?

They were protesting against the Stock Exchange but they couldn't camp outside there

and St Paul's said, "All right, you can camp here."

Although it was quite amusing to see the longest queue ever for Starbucks in the history of the world

in that square at a protest against capitalism.

-The papers have asked how long the protestors...

-The papists?!

The PAPERS.

The PAPERS. There's just the one.

They're outside St Paul's!

The papers have asked how long the protesters are planning to keep up

their howls of anger against corporate greed and inequality.

-How did they reply?

-For ever.

Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us.

One protester told The Sun...

Does anyone know what the London protestors are trying to achieve?

The overthrow of the corrupt City system as they see it, one suspects.

They tweet about it regularly on their iPhones,

perhaps in-between getting cafe lattes and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.

They are against capitalism except for the lattes.

So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?

I think if they prop up a corporate item like Starbucks,

-how much capitalism do they not like?

-How can you live a capitalist world...?

You can't negate them because they have a cup of coffee.

That's like saying to a condemned man on the way to the gallows, when he's blubbing,

"You've ate your last meal. What's the matter with you?"

You can't be against capitalism and then take everything that it provides and say,

"This is terrific, thank you,

"but I hate the system that provides it."

-One cup of coffee and they can't...

-Can't they be about...

Sorry, we... Er, no, no, no.

It's just so obvious. I can't be bothered!

What were you going to say?

You don't have to want to return to a barter system in the Stone Age

to complain about the way the financial crisis

affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?

Even if you've got a cup of coffee and you've got a tent?

APPLAUSE

You really can't get up there and say, "Capitalism is crisis!"

and then enjoy everything it brings and revel in it and relish it.

You keep saying everything. They had coffee. That's not everything!

It's more than a coffee.

Well, according to The Guardian, the protesters have...

They're hoping to...

Right.

Well, that sounds really effective(!)

Much better to get some lobbyists in!

APPLAUSE

What did Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...

If he's drunk coffee, I'm not interested.

I'm just not interested. He's worthless.

His opinion is of no value at all.

Not a rich TV star.

If I can spell espresso on your breath, get out of here!

Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...

-Was he upstairs or downstairs?

-I don't know.

-Cos that will make a difference.

-He could be both.

-He could be saying, "Yes, my Lord!"

Or he could be saying, "Hello!"

I've not yet seen it, and now don't need to.

LAUGHTER

That's it. That's the whole plot. Have you not seen Downton Abbey?

No, I was on tour when it was on last time and this time - pfft - missed it.

You blur the line between watching it and missing it.

Blur that line.

Anyway, Matthew Watkinson, for what it's worth,

he told the Mail why he was at the protest camp...

Right. Yes.

Which bigwig has been moving among the crowds in the City protest?

LOUISE: Julian Assange.

-Julian Assange...

-Oh, is he?

-..with a Guy Fawkes mask.

-Yeah, all right, they've made some mistakes.

-Julian Assange.

Yes, who was moved on by the police.

According to the Mail, Assange, who is contesting a charge of sexual assault was...

Not really helping his case, is he?

-No.

-So how are they going to fix things?

They're not. They don't know. They're just protesting.

They don't, but if anyone can come up with a solution to the global financial crisis,

there's a prize of £250,000

-Whoo-hoo!

-Lord Wolfson has put up a prize.

He runs Next.

Yeah, I should say, £250,000, go to Poundland, whoo!

-Quids in!

-OK, just to cheer everyone up, who'd like to see a robot playing a piano?

ALL: Yeah!

Let's see a robot playing a piano.

MUSIC: "Piano Sonata No.11 Rondo Alla Turca" by Mozart

Hang on a second.

-That's just a pianola with a...

-Yeah, exactly.

..with a bunch of...

LAUGHTER

That's not Julian Assange, is it?

LAUGHTER

Wow! Wonderful.

Um, nothing really to say about that, just...

-Nice, though, wasn't it?

-This is the battle of Dale Farm.

The leader of Basildon Council Tony Ball said...

"Those on the outside, on the other hand, can Taser away as much as they like."

There have been anti-capitalist protests in various cities round the world.

Outside St Paul's Cathedral, unemployed protestor Catherine Garrity said...

Blimey, things ARE bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's correspondence.

The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy,

and, to be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation, it's Silvio Berlusconi.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, for here is the first one.

Strengthometer!

WHISTLING... BUZZ!

Oh, well, they're found out this week that there's a virus that attacks people

who go in for the essential treatment of having your rough skin taken off your toes by fish,

instead of a pumice stone, however, you may find you lose a leg.

It's a belief that you might be able to catch hepatitis from them,

but equally the fish suffer because they get athletes' gill.

Bunion fin, they get that as well.

Sounds like an old Irish country and western singer, Bunion Fin.

That's exactly right - hepatitis C and HIV.

You're right. Let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Maitlis described it when she had one of these...

Oh, Emily!

LAUGHTER

Now get yourself down the clinic and take your hepatitic feet with you now.

-So how could these infections be passed on?

-Rumour.

LAUGHTER

-I tend to think it's got something to do with whitebait. I've not made the connection yet...

-No.

..But I'm sure that once they have out-used their usefulness,

there are several restaurants where they come in a light batter.

ALL: Aw-w!

Basically, you're taking some old boy's toe fat...

LOUISE: Eugh!

-That's how these things get out.

-That's the economic reality.

-That is it.

-Well, according to the Sun...

DANNY CHORTLES

Of course, it's not just the feet-owners at risk. What peril do the fish face?

Did you call me "fish-face"?

He's a guest on the programme.

I'm a guest here.

The fish are starving. They're not getting enough to eat.

-Exactly right.

-Is that right?

Poor little buggers.

In other fish news, who was cut from the belly of a pregnant bull shark recently?

-It's a one-eyed monster.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-But not a monster.

Oh!

Are we looking at it the right way round?

-Are you sure?

-I think so.

So, yes, so now that photo has now been discredited.

-It has been discredited?

-Yeah.

-By Danny Baker.

-Well, yes.

-LOUISE: He's dead now anyway.

-Why is he dead?

-He was cut out of his dead mother's womb.

-Oh!

Oh, that's not very nice.

OK, well, listen, to cheer us up, who'd like to see a robot playing a... No.

Lastly, does anybody know how to hypnotise a shark?

Well, it's the usual thing, you just get it to follow a sort of watch.

-Difficult underwater.

-You can't do it underwater. You have to entice them into the High Street.

A woman called Christina Zenato, according to the Metro is able to induce temporary paralysis by...

..enabling her to hold it vertically in the palm of her hand, as we can see here.

Has this photo been discredited?

Yes, I believe that photo was discredited the other week.

It's extremely bright for a photograph taken underwater.

-Suspiciously flat bottom there as well.

-She can't help it.

LAUGHTER

I turned on the telly the other day and you were asking a man

to guess what the fish was as it was slapped round his face.

Panorama's gone downhill, hasn't it?

Was that Panorama you were doing?

-Yes, yes.

-It was Panorama.

-Wow!

-He was rubbish.

-He was useless! He couldn't get any of them.

-Why, did he reckon...?

-He reckoned he could,

by being slapped by a fish, with a blindfold.

Why would a fish have to be blindfolded?

This is the story which made the front page of The Sun under the headline -

Also, as it happens, the somewhat surprising sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

It seems fairly self-explanatory there.

This is about people changing their names by deed poll.

And we lead the world in it, don't we?

Yeah, I'll give you that. This is news that 60,000 people a year

now change their names by deed poll,

compared with just 197 in the year 2000.

I've just noticed why he's changed his name,

so he can call himself Brad Pitt. Yeah, I'm sorry, I was a bit slow.

It's absurd because you're Brad Pitt and then in two years,

a star comes out of Hollywood called Matt Rudd.

Just hang in there, it'll come round, there's enough of them.

James Stewart. Stewart Granger, that was his real name, James Stewart.

-Changed his name.

-The actor Michael Keaton's real name's Michael Douglas,

but Michael Douglas' real name isn't Michael Douglas.

It's Emily Pankhurst. That's right.

The process has been dramatically simplified.

Ten years ago, it was very complicated. Now all you need is 33 quid

and a few minutes to fill out the form.

Can anyone remember any hilarious names?

People who've changed their names to by deed poll.

-We can't think of anything hilarious.

-That's not what we're here for.

I've come here to read the meter, I don't know why it's taking so long.

There's ASDA worker Greg Lewis who went for Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette.

And Liverpool fan Sean McCormack who changed his name

just before Christmas last year to Fernando Torres.

Fernando Torres moved to Chelsea a few months later.

What came as a bit of a surprise for Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette?

There's somebody else by that name. Can't be.

He said when he found out he had really officially

changed his name, he was quite surprised. He said...

See, he's too stupid to be a doctor.

Bang the thing with the hammer again, we've had enough of this one.

Well, apparently people choose...

Hit me with the hammer, I've had enough of this programme. I would.

Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames

when they get married.

So Michael Pugh and his fiancee Rebecca Griffin

fused their surnames to become Mr and Mrs Puffin.

Of course. They told The Telegraph...

Yeah, until they can manage to scrape together 33 quid and fill in the forms.

Sometimes changing your name can involve changing just a vowel.

For example, our very own Paul Martin became Paul Merton,

David Williams became David Walliams

and Brian Cant says it's the best 33 quid he ever spent.

Time now for the odd one out round.

One between you this week. The four are...

25 Chilean miners, Katie Price,

little Grace Murdoch and Jesus.

BELL

Oh! Straight in there, Louise.

I think this is all to do with the holy sacrament of baptism

in Jordan, perhaps?

There is little Grace Murdoch who was baptised in the Jordan,

Tony Blair was her godfather.

And there's Katie Price who wasn't baptised in the Jordan,

but her name is Jordan, so I think it's Jordan.

Is exactly right! Very, very well done.

So have all of them been baptised in the Jordan?

25 of the Los 33 were baptised in the River Jordan this year,

while on a visit to the area as guests of the Israeli government.

Shall we have a quick look at the miners on their way to the baptism?

There we are. I reckon a few of those,

if they were stuck down a mine now could survive quite a long time.

They'd have to drill a slightly wider hole to get them out.

Grace Murdoch, daughter of Rupert Murdoch,

was baptised on the banks of the River Jordan in April 2010.

Hello magazine had a field day. They had pictures...

We can't show you the photographs,

obviously, because Hello won't let us, but we can set the scene.

-Excellent. If you will.

-Hugh Jackman was there, Nicole Kidman

and, of course, you said it, the godfather, godfather Tony,

but in 19 pages of photographs,

there wasn't a single photograph of Tony Blair.

Which is spooky, which suggests he is in many ways other-worldly.

How did it come out, this story?

-Murdoch's wife blurted it out in an interview.

-That's right, with Vogue magazine.

Got to feel sorry for Vogue, because they did interview Wendi Deng

before she had her moment of fame leaping up to defend her husband at the select committee.

-Of course, when you were there.

-I was.

-What was that like?

You were about to nail him. You'd actually got there and then someone

got up and shoved foam in his face.

-It was terrific PR for the Murdochs.

-It was an amazing scene.

There was Jonnie Marbles and Rupert lost his marbles

sitting there going, "I don't remember anything."

-He's an old man.

-He's an old man!

-He is an old man.

No sympathy for protesters, Rupert Murdoch. "Oh, he's old."

Tony Blair, just to go back to him for a moment,

according to Wendi Deng, he is one of Murdoch's closest friends.

Closest friends. There we are.

Oh, I couldn't imagine what those words looked like

until I actually saw them there. "Closest friend"?

What does that mean? Is that an onion on a plate?

What's going on? I don't get it. What's a closest friend?

How close? How close is this closeness?

On to Jordan. Katie Price this week was addressing the Oxford Union

but only managed a record-breakingly feeble speech of eight minutes.

She did, however, spend an hour answering questions from Oxford University's finest minds.

-What sort of things did they ask?

-Who booked you?

According to the Star, rugby player Alex McDonald, 21, asked her,

"Who has been your best lover?" Jordan replied...

Did you have a similar exchange with Margaret Thatcher back in 1979?

And finally, Jesus Christ. Obviously, naturally,

one of the very first to be baptised in the River Jordan.

Not necessarily. It's quite common baptising people in the Jordan, that's why he was baptised there.

Yeah. It only caught on because Jesus did it.

Why there was a person called John the Baptist, I suppose?

He changed his name by deed poll. Henry the butcher.

Yes, they were all baptised in the River Jordan,

apart from Jordan who wasn't. The news that Tony Blair is godfather to

Rupert Murdoch's daughter was revealed this summer.

Tony Blair would have given a speech at his goddaughter's baptism,

but not even Murdoch has that kind of money.

Israel recently opened a new baptism site on the banks of the Jordan,

before which the area had to be cleared of landmines.

No wonder Jesus walked on the water.

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

as its guest publication Bin Bulletin.

Specially designed to go straight in. And we start with...

..But whose head is that?

..But I'm afraid it smells a bit.

..But I'll keep the camera. This is the story of a person who found

a handbag that had been lost at an airport,

sent it back to the owners, but kept a camera that was in it

as a reward for themselves. Tabloid readers were shocked that

the person kept the camera rather than doing the customary thing when you find one -

stuff it down your pants, take a photo and give it back. Next.

..Meet Mike and Bernie Winters.

What? I thought it's '70s show business, isn't it?

..Recipe for a good night out.

Are they a firm of solicitors?

..These are a few of my favourite things.

Boots, nappies and chickens. It rhymes, it moves, I mean.

Or if you want to get a really good fire going, Bin Bulletin.

What makes it easy to handle a large sack?

Santa.

Being Danny Baker at the BBC.

Thank you! Bless you! Campaign starts here, brother. Stop drinking coffee.

-Good grief!

-Next.

-Physically violated.

-Utted, that's what it is, it was utted.

Yeah.

Oh-la-la!

England's Ed Martin was accused of hiding the letter G.

His opponent demanded that he should be given a strip-search in the toilet.

When they got there, all they found was a "Q".

Tony Blair's always been a big fan of Scrabble.

To this day, it's the only time he's seen WMD in "a rack".

GROANING

Next.

..Nutted me.

I called the Queen "darling". She didn't seem to mind.

Michael Winner explained...

Her Majesty ignored Michael Winner because that's what everyone tends to do.

And finally...

God does exist...

What's the right answer?

The Mummy Returns. This is the taxi driver who has

become the first man to be mummified in the style of the ancient Egyptians.

Ancient Egyptians believed that in the afterlife, you had to cross the river of fire.

I'm guessing he'll be the only taxi driver crossing that river this time of night.

So the final scores are...

-Ian and Louise on 6. Paul and Danny on 7.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Louise, you have this.

David Cameron woos the women's vote.

Mrs Thatcher attends Dr Fox's birthday party.

Paul and Danny get that.

Specially posed photograph appears in newspapers.

Pied Piper tells Job Centre, "I've still got it."

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Louise Mensch,

Paul Merton and Danny Baker. I leave you with news that

there's a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.

In west Dorset, one constituent decides he might as well cut out

the middle man and wait for a personal meeting with Oliver Letwin.

And returning home from a friend's stag night,

Eamonn Holmes loses his front door key.

Good night.

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