Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I've had a baby six days ago, so I haven't slept for six days,

-so I'm a bit wired, so I don't know what's been going on in the news. Has Gadaffi been found yet?

-No.

Contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Lee Mack.

In the news this week, as his ex-wife's revelations appear in the tabloid press,

Jeremy Clarkson happens to spot Max Clifford in the street.

LAUGHTER

Arriving late for the Euro summit, Nicolas Sarkozy explains how he got trapped in the folding bed.

LAUGHTER

In London, rumours that Kate Middleton signed a multi-million pound

sponsorship deal with Pringles.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is an award winning journalist and broadcaster who, in 2009,

visited a drug and prostitution rehabilitation centre in Walsall.

I think she was there to do an interview, anyway...

Please welcome Victoria Derbyshire!

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comic who says his career has always been guided

more by how much fun he's having than anything else.

Tonight, we can only assume he's here for the pay packet.

Please welcome Ross Noble.

APPLAUSE

We start with the big stories of the week. Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

Angela Merkel, and her bezzie mate, Nicolas. Oh, there's Silvio, in between court appearances.

-With a man!

-Yeah. David Cameron, he's got to go because he's not in the Euro gang.

-Oh!

-Is he being lynched?

# Rule Britannia Britannia rules...#

LAUGHTER

Someone singing Britannia Rules The Waves and burning an EU flag.

I expect that's clinched the argument(!)

This is the big emergency crisis summit in Brussels

where all the EU leaders are certain they want an end to the uncertainty,

they're just not certain how to do it.

So they've agreed what?

They said, "We agree that we really, really need to do something about this crisis."

Oh, I'm relieved then.

17 different Euro-zone nations can't even agree on what time of day they should all eat cheese,

so it's taken two years, no wonder it's taken two years to get to this point.

Sarkozy made a cheap joke about Mrs Merkel,

which I gather set back the Euro about six months.

-He said, "She's on a diet, but I saw her eating cheese twice!"

-Yes.

Each one of those cheeses represents a World War.

She brought up the war. She said, unless we solve this, there's going to be another war.

I thought, "Not necessarily!"

Where does the Primula cheese spread fit into this? I don't claim to be the most political man,

-but how does the...

-But you know you cheeses!

I do, I know my cheeses. I tell you what, yeah.

-Where does that fit into the whole...

-Is that a top British cheese?

The Primula cheese spread? It's like toothpaste in a cheese form.

It's magnificent. I put it on a toothbrush and then floss with the wax from a Babybel.

Sorry, I thought this was Have I Got Cheese For You.

-You refer to me as Dairylee Mack.

-OK.

-So...

-LAUGHTER

That's not a gag, I'm just sponsoring them! So, it's the collapse of the Euro,

but why is it different this time?

Because it's serious this time. All the other times it wasn't, apparently.

We accept that Greece is going to go bust, but now it's Italy as well.

Most people thought, "Italy, that's a stable country, run by a sensible fellow(!)"

LAUGHTER

That can't possibly be going down the tubes!

But actually, apparently, he spent over a trillion Euros on prostitutes.

LAUGHTER

No, I made that up.

What's the bail out? How much is it this time, do you know?

For Italy, 1.9 trillion?

-That's their debt.

-Is that their debt?

-The bail out fund has gone up

from 400 billion Euros to a trillion Euros.

It's hard to tell, according to the Mail on Wednesday it's...

-The Mail on Wednesday?

-I should have paused after "Mail!" According to the Mail...on Wednesday...

LAUGHTER

It is...

But if you believe the Express... on Tuesday, it is...

But they don't even know where this money is coming from. Having had the summit, they said,

"We have this fantastic plan, we'll have all this money...and we'll borrow it from the Chinese."

But they haven't asked!

And also, the Chinese, what do they know about cheese?

LAUGHTER

They hate cheese, it's not in their diet. It doesn't matter,

if Greece goes, it doesn't matter, because who likes feta?

LAUGHTER

Does anyone know what a trillion is?

Is it a thousand billion?

A trillion is when a human mates with a Klingon.

LAUGHTER

So you've met my wife?

Oh, yes!

How has David Cameron been referring to the latest plans to fix the Euro?

President Sarkozy shouted at him on Sunday, apparently, and said,

TRIES FRENCH ACCENT: "We are sick of you..." No, that's Italian, what's a French accent?

-THEY MUTTER IN MOCK FRENCH

-Camembert!

Camembert!

IN HEAVY EUROPEAN ACCENT: "We are sick of you criticising us..." That's still Nancy Dell'Olio!

It's great though, just keep going!

"We are sick of you criticising us. You hate the Euro and yet you still want to interfere in our meeting."

HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: "We are not interested in your Cathedral City!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Nicolas is alleged to have shouted at Dave...

Let's have a look at what happened when Sarkozy and Merkel were asked

if they had persuaded Berlusconi to do something about Italy's debts.

'President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel were asked if they thought he'd listened.'

'A look said it all.'

LAUGHTER

They can't even be bothered to tell the lie, can they?

Under pressure, Italy may be about to agree drastic measures to save the Euro. Anyone know what it is?

Raise the pension age, cut wages, lay off thousands and thousands of people...

There was a fight though, wasn't there? In the Italian parliament? "This is how politics works. Pow!"

ROSS: One of them said something about the other one's wife, apparently!

Wasn't even a political debate!

"Your wife's a slag", and it all kicked off!

That's what we need here.

Not slaggy wives. Fighting.

Why's John Bishop in the middle.

LAUGHTER

ROSS: And why is Spike Milligan helping from behind?

Back at home, Cameron was tackling a backbench rebellion of a referendum on EU membership earlier this week.

-How many Tory MPs rebelled?

-81 voted against and 30-odd more abstained.

According to the Times...

That's a hard habit to break!

How does that happen? How do you vote in the House Of Commons?

It's late, you go through one door, you come out, you go through the other one. It's confusing.

If that happens, does it mean it's going to rain?

LAUGHTER

Does anyone remember the advice Mrs Thatcher was given facing a backbench rebellion?

Keep smiling and pretend you like the ... ers

Say it again!

-No, my mum might be watching!

-I don't care, this will save me £1.50 a minute on phonecalls.

LAUGHTER

You're not like this on the radio, are you?

- I wouldn't say that on the radio! - "Here's some travel, you fuckers!"

Her chief whip told her...

She didn't bother.

One of the rebels was Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. Let's have a look.

He's a young Tory, whose father is William Rees-Mogg.

He's a famous newspaper columnist.

But Jacob is very, very...odd.

-Is he crackers?

-No, no...

-Jacob Crackers, it deserved more!

LAUGHTER

He took his nanny campaigning.

Which is new in British politics.

-I think David Cameron finds him embarrassing.

-When you say he took his nanny,

-what, door to door?

-He said, "Would you like to vote Conservative? Have you met my nanny?"

And she said, "Vote Conservative!"

This is what he said...

And did we see how Newsnight dealt with this?

When you were speaking last night, you invoked the spirit of Henry V, didn't you?

-I did.

-"Stiffen the sinews..."

-"Summon up the blood."

-Be like a tiger.

-Absolutely.

As opposed to being like Bagpuss?

That's absolutely right.

I'm flattered that you listened to my speeches so carefully,

that's an admirable trend.

-What the Prime Minister needs...

-Who's Bagpuss?

What the Prime Minister needs is to be able to say,

"Look, I've got to get powers back, because my backbenchers want it."

-So it's David Cameron who's Bagpuss?

-No. Certainly not.

We strengthen the Prime Minister's position and help him

to have the courage of a tiger when he's negotiating with the Lib Dems...

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT

That's brilliant.

Every time there's a problem in politics,

he's going to emerge, bring out the mice.

# We will fix it We will fix it

-Of course Nick Clegg, he's not been helping David Cameron this week?

-No.

You actually interviewed Nick Clegg shortly after he was elected as Lib Dem leader.

-I did. That was a few years ago now, but yeah, I did.

-Nice guy?

-He was fine.

-Blimey.

-I can't... As a BBC journalist, I'm...

-You've got to be impartial?

I'm paid not to have opinions.

Really? Welcome to the show.

We sent Paul Greer out to see how much the name Nick Clegg has seeped into the public's consciousness.

-RECORDING:

-'I think I'll accost those folks at the bus stop to see if they recognise our man.'

-'Yes, I think I do.'

-'Go on, then.'

-'Um, is it Steve?'

-'Steve who?'

-'Um, oh, I worked for him.'

-'It's not Steve.'

Oh, I love that. Yes, this is the European crisis.

According to The Sun, there are claims Berlusconi needs...

Still, that's what happens when you take out a small loan with the Corleone family.

Should Berlusconi step down, his likely successor is the leader of the Northern League Party,

Umberto Bossi.

So soon Italy's Prime Minister will be Bossi as opposed to randy.

Last week, Nicolas Sarkozy had a beautiful girl called Julia.

As did Berlusconi, but that's a different story.

Paul and Ross, take a look at this.

-Pensioners.

-The Queen and Prince Philip in Australia.

-I think that's where they are as we speak.

-And a stick.

-Yep.

AS QUEEN: This boomerang is crap.

It's just a stick. You're 'aving me on.

-That is an enclosure with poor people in it.

-Yes.

AS QUEEN: Take these, they're horrible!

This is the Queen and Prince Philip in Australia, being greeted by crowds wherever they go.

-And they rode on a tram.

-Did they? Was that in Melbourne?

The St Kilda tram, which, funnily enough,

is the very tram that went past the hospital where Lee Mack used to work as a bogus official.

Let's not talk about that.

So...

Yes.

Look, I used to book people in for appointments.

I wasn't a gynaecologist, or anything.

Well, you were an enthusiastic amateur.

"I'll have a look. I can't do anything."

I used to...

I was a backpacker and I blagged my way into a hospital job booking people in for appointments.

You weren't actually being a fake doctor?

No, but I might have exaggerated my qualifications to get the job.

As the world descends into chaos what has been

the big noise down under according to the Daily Mail?

This would be about the Australian Prime Minister not curtsying.

Gillard. Julia Gillard. She said, "It's just not me."

What else did she do wrong?

It's something to do with her attire.

She rolled a tyre at the Queen.

She put a tyre on a swing and as the Queen approached, she went....

And the Queen went, "Go on, curtsy."

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I can't, love, I'm in a bloody tyre."

-APPLAUSE

-It's not quite it.

-She didn't have a hat on?

-That is it.

She didn't have a hat on.

-What did the Palace say about this slight to the monarch?

-We didn't notice.

People can dress for the Queen however they like, we don't mind.

They said, "There's no obligatory code of behaviour, just curtsy."

Sorry, just... Sorry, I said that wrong.

Actually, that would have been better, wouldn't it?

"Just curtsy!"

They said the person who is least concerned about protocol is the Queen.

So why do we do it? I say "we", I've never met her.

Have you met the Queen?

-No.

-Anybody in the audience met the Queen?

I once saw Brian May out of the bus.

Did you see the Queen meet one of the Bulleen Boomers this week?

They're a top Australian basketball team.

-The Queen met Elizabeth Cambage.

-Who's very tall.

Let's have a look at this.

The Queen's the one on the left!

You feel she could literally pop the Queen through the hoop.

-What did the Queen say when she saw this very tall lady?

-Have you come far?

Has it started raining yet?

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, marvellous. No.

She said, "You're very tall."

And followed it with...

Brilliant.

After meeting the basketball player, the Queen was a little bit self-conscious about her height.

So Prince Philip tried to help feel better.

APPLAUSE

At a banquet, Prince Philip was reminded of what he said

when he was introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who worked in movies.

He said...

Why do we feel sorry for the Queen this week?

Oh, heating bills, is it? She's almost in fuel poverty.

She spends a load of money heating Buckingham Palace.

She's one of the people that report was about. Older couples

who are living in big buildings with no children.

-He's flogging it off, old Charles.

-Is he?

He said I won't live in Buckingham Palace when I'm King.

Which could be because he's not going to be.

-Anyone know what he's going to do with it?

-A hotel?

-He's going to turn it into a hotel. That's according to Andrew Marr's new book.

-Yeah.

And he keeps his ear to the ground.

Is Prince Charles going to be the manager? "Would you like the minibar replenished?

Camilla is going to serve breakfasts. "Here we are, love."

Apparently, Charles will take with him a number of highly specialised servants to this hotel.

What is one of them particularly good at?

Is that the chap who squeezes the toothpaste?

Or does he give you the naughty movies on the TV?

Such an image of your life!

I spend a lot of time on the road, you know.

The amount of times I've had to summon up a butler.

Is that some sort of slang?

According to a new book on Buckingham Palace...

According to the same book, what is so special about the white drawing room at Buckingham Palace?

It's black.

The actual answer is it's yellow and has a full-length mirror in one corner and...

VICTORIA: Oh!

Hang on. They'll be literally just waiting there

and everyone is having their starter

and Maj is in there going, "Not yet.

"Wait. Wait."

AS PHILIP: I'm desperate for a piss!

"Not yet."

Whoom. "Da-da!"

-Do we believe any of this book?

-No.

This is the Royal visit Down Under.

Andrew Marr has a book out called The Diamond Queen,

although the working title was Andrew Marr's Cynical Diamond Jubilee Cash-in Book.

Still, it should cover some of the legal fees for that super-injunction.

Before round two, we're introducing a brand-new technical innovation to the show.

The Large Hadron Collider Of News.

All: Ooh!

In this round, we fire high-speed news particles at each other

and analyse the result.

Buzz in when you know what the story is.

BUZZER

That is the tent city that nobody's in.

They set up their tents outside the cathedral.

-And they used thermal imaging devices.

-And none of them are wearing thermals.

Yeah. It was a hell of a sight.

And some bloke's left. Some canon's been fired, or whatever.

-He's resigned because he invited them to stay originally.

-Yes.

He thought it might be a good idea, people protesting about poverty.

Anyway he was overruled.

The Dean came in and said, "Yes, obviously,

"we want to help the poor, but the gift shop's losing a lot of money."

And the visitors. So they close the cathedral

on the grounds of health and safety.

They said the guy ropes of the tent might trip over visitors.

And there could be a rodent problem.

Never mind that, that bloke's been nailed to a bit of wood.

Never mind the guy ropes, look at him up the top there!

I've offered my services. I'm going to grow a beard, go down, dressed in a loin cloth,

walk out with a crown of thorns and go, "Oi, off!"

"Off!"

APPLAUSE

Just so the canon can go, "I told you I'd get my supervisor."

One newspaper said "We've had thermal imaging and no-one is in the tents."

-Another said, "You can't tell, they may well be there."

-What?

They're just very, very cold? They've actually died!

Wasting time with thermal imaging and getting the equipment - just a spike.

That's all you need.

Agh! That's one.

Agh! No, nothing there.

Agh!

We've got a thermal-image still from the Daily Mail.

Apparently, it reveals the green object in the foreground is a bin.

Does anyone know what's the camp slogan?

-CAMP VOICE:

-Oh!

ROSS INDISTINCT

Unless it gets a bit nippy and we run out of pants!

Natasha Ighodaro and Nicholas Cunningham got married at St Paul's on Saturday.

The protesters promise to keep quiet after one o'clock.

By 1:30, according to the Sunday Times, the protesters were...

Well, let me tell you, that is not true.

Um...

Yes. Have we covered all those questions?

-MAN: I believe you've got a couple more.

-Have I? Sorry.

I've got a question. I didn't move the card. It's here.

OK. Next question. How do I get this gig?

-APPLAUSE

-Anyone?

Er, do you know there's a clown protesting?

Here he is.

It would be great if he just was genuinely a bad undercover cop.

Does anyone know what he's called?

PC Coco?

Not so much enthusiasm in your voice, please, Ross(!)

-AS ROSS:

-PC Coco, if I have to.

-You'll never guess it, I don't know why I'm asking.

-OK, try us.

Barry Daft.

Anybody know his real name?

William Daft?

His real name - Andrew.

Thank God we got to the comedy gold of the clown.

APPLAUSE

Countering claims they are spoiling the square at St Paul's,

one 18-year-old, who gave his name as Sean, told the Telegraph...

In that case, Sean, you're one of the few teenage boys in the country who is.

Critics are concerned the protest is having an adverse effect on businesses in the area.

Try telling that to the manager of the local branch of Millets.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

There's a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.

Yes, there is a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.

I knew that because I read "Burton-on Trent" and saw perfume.

That was a give-away. What's unusual about the perfume?

-It smells of...

-Burton-on-Trent city centre.

You're not a million miles away by saying that.

It's creator Victoria Brooks told the Telegraph...

You're really selling it, Victoria!

So there are people going to the chemist going,

"I'll get this new... Mm."

"Oh, mm, a Big Issue seller and a Dixons."

"That's lovely. Yeah."

That's good, because that would attract blokes.

Splash that behind and he just goes... HE SNIFFS

"I fancy a new clock radio."

According to the Telegraph the perfume...

Eugh!

If you want to know what that smells like, try standing downwind of these two.

Isn't like your mum and dad, Ross?

Well you should know, you've shagged her.

You started it!

-And this is for women to wear?

-For women, but I'm sure men can wear it, as well.

-I think any woman would fight to have the aroma of Branston pickle around her.

-Yeah.

You wouldn't want to smell of your home town. Where are you from, Victoria?

I was born in Bury.

Oh, that's ruined that joke.

-It says on the card "Ramsbottom".

-Yes, Ramsbottom's Bury, yes.

-You can't smell like Bury, but you can smell like a ram's bottom.

-Oh!

Do it again. You wouldn't want to smell like your home town. Victoria, where are you from?

-Ramsbottom.

-You liar, you're from Bury!

APPLAUSE

You can't trust the BBC, can you?! Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is an incident in a Photo-Me booth at Victoria Station.

It's Clarkson. Has lifted his... He lifted his, er...

-Injunction.

-That's the word I was looking for.

That could have gone one of two ways.

-Is it Clarkson lifting his injunction, Lee?

-You what, love?

Is it Clarkson, lifting his injunction?

I've just had one, thank you.

Before we go anywhere, with this,

can I say that both sides deny everything the other one says about them.

Said it. Can we move on?

He says, he and his wife took out this injunction to stop his ex-wife

from claiming that she'd had an affair with him after he'd remarried.

-Yeah.

-And now he has decided that he will lift the injunction

-so he can defend himself.

-I think he's found

that, like everyone else, they don't work. Originally, the super-injunction

was granted because there was a suggestion of blackmail.

He says the former wife, the woman he was married to before, was blackmailing him.

So, he took out an injunction so no-one could say anything.

Which, essentially, is not a really logical way of fighting it.

If she's blackmailing you,

prosecute her for blackmail and put her in jail.

It's almost the last of the big super-injunctions

that no-one was allowed to talk about and report.

-But was its generally known?

-Yeah.

-Did you know it?

-Yeah.

-Did you know it?

-Yeah.

Did you know it?

Yeah, Ian told me.

Did you all know it?

Nobody told me.

Thanks a lot,

that means I'm technically in breach of the injunction.

-You'd better come and visit me.

-I will.

Make it Wandsworth, that's near for me.

But, originally, everyone thought that it was Jeremy Clarkson

and Jemima Khan, who was falsely linked...

No-one thought that except people on Twitter,

cos they don't know.

Oh, OK, so you didn't think that?

-No.

-Ah, OK.

People thought it was about Jemima Khan?

It's like being in court here.

Yeah, get used to it, blabbermouth.

According to Clarkson's people, whose honour

did Clarkson's first wife initially say she wanted to defend?

The honour of the Stig, because she thought he had been treated badly.

What, and he can't talk?

Well, he's got a helmet over his head.

It's an actual man under the thing.

-Thermal imaging has proved that.

-Yeah.

He told the Independent...

Well, that's very nice.

Do you two often go off on, like, caravanning holidays?

I can see you two hanging out quite a lot.

"Right, let's drive!" "All right, Jeremy."

It says this on the card, Ian. So don't think I'm pushing you.

It says, "Who else has got one out, then, Ian?" A super-injunction.

Um...

JLV versus HXX, that's a good one.

-Scrabble board?

-Yes.

What do you mean?

-They get initialised, these injunctions.

-But not the initials

-of their names?

-No.

Oh, I thought it was somebody Roman.

I thought, that's a bit weird, isn't it?

Some centurion has been having it off with a Big Brother contestant.

"They romped wildly in the back of a chariot!"

They're very long-lasting, super-injunctions.

That one's from AD 10.

We couldn't broadcast it, you couldn't publish it in a newspaper,

we could chat about it in the pub.

-Can you allude to it, though?

-No, no, no.

You could say there was that actor, that was with a thing in the woo,

and don't, Mrs...

Jack Douglas from the Carry On films?

Waye-ay! Cannay tatch er! Waye!

You know, all I'm saying is, there's the bloke from that thing

that's on the, you know, and he...with her,

and she...with... Oh, blimey, not up there!

Could you say, I know about a footballer?

If it was an injunction you could, but if it's a super-injunction...

-You can't say anything.

-No, you can't say anything.

-You can't acknowledge a super-injunction exists.

-Then, he's in trouble.

Cos he just acknowledged one exists about, eh, jee nowhap, eh, ooh, eh!

He's going down.

All I'll say is it certainly cured his hiccups!

Clarkson said one reason for dropping his super-injunction was the cost.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hi, I can't really talk now,

I'm in the middle of a television recording.

I'll... I'll, I'll ...

I'll ring you back.

Sorry, it's my lawyer.

Did it cure your hiccups?

Apparently I had a conversation with Paul Merton six months ago,

but I didn't mention anything

that could have been linked to those cases,

-particularly not that one.

-Absolutely.

-You told Ross, though.

-No, no. Paul told me.

-Oh, Paul told you?

How did he find out?

Ian told me.

Time now for the odd-one-out round.

Ian and Victoria, your four are -

Alessio Rastani,

footage used in an ITV documentary about Gaddafi's links with the IRA,

Vladimir Putin's discovery of two Ancient Greek urns

and Greyfriars Bobby.

He's the trader who was interviewed on the BBC News Channel

and outraged everybody by saying,

"The recession's great, you can make loads of money, bankers like me

"just take, take, take. The recession's brilliant."

-They said he was a fake but he isn't.

-That's right.

Well, that footage at the front of the Gaddafi film,

they made a documentary and said, "These are weapons used by..." Was it the IRA?

-The key thing is they took the imagery from a video game.

-Yes.

And it was FIFA 2010.

So, no, that's fake.

Putin, I read this story, cos Putin likes to be, you know, action man.

And this was footage of him discovering two Greek urns.

And then there were suggestions that the urns had been planted

in the dig, so Putin could go,

"I have found the urns."

-That was...

-Blofeld!

That was Darth Vader, wasn't it?

-And the dog?

-He was so faithful, Greyfriars Bobby,

he was always stayed

on the gravestone of his owner, and it turned out this wasn't true.

He was just a dog who hung around the graveyard, hoping to be fed.

So, they're all frauds, apart from the trader.

Is the right answer.

Hooray! Well done, you.

Yes, they're all not what they were claimed to be,

apart from Alessio Rastani,

who really was a trader, despite everyone assuming he was a hoax.

Rastani appeared on BBC News saying

he goes to bed every night dreaming of another recession.

His remarks were so extreme he was assumed to be a hoaxer. Shall we take a look?

Personally, I've been dreaming of this moment for three years.

I have a confession, which is,

I go to bed every night, I dream of another recession.

I dream of another moment like this. This is not a time right now to...

Wishful thinking, the government is going to sort things out,

the governments don't rule the world,

Goldman Sachs rules the world.

A cheery thought, isn't it?

And they don't even pay any tax.

Or they don't pay enough tax.

Lawyer.

-Is he still hanging from up there?

-Yeah!

It's the only place he can get reception to phone Ian.

Putin went on a scuba diving trip and claimed to have discovered two ancient Greek urns.

Putin was then reported to have declared, with a big grin...

The boys presumably referring to

a team of professional archaeologists several years earlier.

Ofcom has launched an enquiry after ITV mistakenly included

a video game clip instead of real footage

of its new current affairs show, Exposure.

What was the clip meant to be showing?

A helicopter being shot down.

It's when it said, "Game Over."

-They should have really twigged.

-And the helicopter crashed

and a fat Italian plumber danced out.

In other news,

ITV are showing highlights of Wimbledon this year.

They're all not what they claim to be apart from Alessio Rastani,

who really was a trader, despite everybody assuming he was a hoax.

Journalists suggested he was part of the team of political hoaxers

called The Yes Men.

But when asked, The Yes Men said, "No."

Paul and Ross, here's yours -

Richard Branson,

Mario Balotelli,

Hermann Goering

and wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.

Balotelli was in the news last week for...

Somebody set-off some fireworks from the bathroom, I think, of his house.

-Branson's house just burnt down, didn't it?

-Oh, yes, that's true.

-Who was the fourth bloke, in the mask?

-Wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.

It's got to be about fireworks.

The wannabe alchemist, he's, sort of, trying to get gold from lead, or something.

Is it about fireworks? Is that the idea and houses not burning down?

-Yes, you're on the right track, it's actually...

-Goering.

Goering, yes, why is it Goering?

-Well, all their houses burned down...

-Yes.

..and his...his didn't. Erm...

His didn't and the producers of this show just randomly

selected Goering as opposed to Barry Chuckle.

They all have houses that caught fire apart from Hermann Goering,

who ordered the Luftwaffe not to drop incendiary bombs

on a Kent seaside town because he wanted to live there after the war.

-It was, did you see Saltwood Castle?

-I have seen it, yes.

Yes, well, that's what he was interested in living in.

The Hive Herald was very excited, naturally. How did they cover it?

Hive Hitler?

AUDIENCE GROANS

They published this photo. That's with Goering looking out to sea

with the caption...

Police were called to the Manchester City striker

Mario Balotelli's house after a friend set off

fireworks in the player's bathroom, causing a substantial fire.

Why in the bathroom?

Because the kitchen was busy,

there was a bonfire in there.

Didn't he chuck his keys at the police and say,

"If you need me I'll be at the Radisson?"

He did say that, yes.

Charming, isn't he? Why has Balotelli also upset his mum this week?

She sent him out for a kettle and he came back with a trampoline,

two mopeds and...

-Scalextric.

-Scalextric.

This is a true story, by the way.

Every time I answer a question properly people look at me like...

He went to the moon on a unicycle. There you go.

Mario's mum sent him out to buy the cleaner some essential items.

As the sun described...

Good luck cleaning with those.

Wannabe alchemist Paul Moran,

he was recently sentenced

to three months in prison after he set his council house on fire trying

to turn his own faeces into gold by heating it to a high temperature.

Urgh!

He hasn't read the alchemy books, has he? It's lead into gold,

not turds.

Literally sitting on a gold mine, is that the idea?

He's a bloke from Ireland who turns shit into gold,

isn't that Westlife?

Branson's house in the Caribbean burnt down after being

-struck by lightning during a tropical storm.

-Kate Winslet was there, wasn't she?

- She saved his mum. - That's right.

Richard told ITV news...

Ah, fleeing from a burning mansion on a private Caribbean island

carrying the elderly mother of a bearded multibillionaire -

that's a real-life situation I think we can all relate to.

Richard Branson's house burnt down after being struck by lightning.

According to the Mail, when the house was set on fire...

At the insistence of his guests.

Time now for the missing words round

which, this week, features as its guest publication,

The Newsletter Of The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.

That's a museum devoted to leftover food, not to be confused with the celebrity leftovers

you can see on the current series of Strictly Come Dancing.

And we start with...

Taking them to destination.

Passing the electric current through seats in the second class.

Treating them like human beings.

Oh, it's the cockpit with the tape! They taped up the cockpit window...

-That is the right answer.

-..and then took off!

Let's have a look at that.

It's actually more worrying than it looks,

cos that's after takeoff.

Next...

Huge success.

Disaster.

Middling.

Closed.

Bombed.

Was it, "Gutted when Eamonn Holmes turned up?"

Says Eamonn Holmes.

This was a review of the museum by a visitor. Next...

That's it, that's the actual sentence, there, there's no...

actual missing word there.

15 empty gin bottles.

It's actually...

"Neuuu."

Jan Leeming is just one of the galaxy of stars whose leftovers

feature in The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.

Craig Richie, the ex-BBC weatherman, left a pastry,

he'd expected it to be warm, but it turned out to be cold.

Did they get the Chuckle Brothers to write this week? Next...

Buying any more avocados? Err, growing them?

Inserting them?

-Inserting them?

-Yeah.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah.

-Owning more than ten.

-What?

-Yeah, a man has been banned from owning more than ten avocados,

or five avocado PAIRS.

This is an American thief in San Diego who was banned by a judge

from owning more than ten avocados after he admitted to stealing £1,000 of the fruit.

The thief feared a prison sentence but after three days of the avocado trial,

the judge went soft on him.

And finally...

Terry Nutkins with a stepladder.

A scarf for Christmas.

A new foot? Yes, it's going to be a new foot, isn't it?

-It's something to do with feet.

-Pedicure.

-It is a pedicure.

-Is it?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are Ian and Victoria with nine points, Paul and Ross with seven points.

It's a win, thank you very much indeed.

-Sorry about that.

-That's all right.

But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Victoria have this...

Have you met Mr Clegg?

Doctor's haircut resembles a tunnel.

-And a tiny man climbs out of his bum.

-That's right.

Paul and Ross get this...

Come on, Gaddafi, we know you're in there.

It's funny, if you whistle that end, you get a noise out the other.

On which note we say thanks to our panellists Ian Hislop and Victoria Derbyshire,

Paul Merton and Ross Noble. And I leave you with news that at a meeting of the G8 countries,

there's a tense moment as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.

After running over the rabbit with a hover mower,

a quick thinking father tries to hide the evidence before the kids rush to see what the noise was.

GROANING

And as David Attenborough starts filming another documentary series,

there are signs that the animals are getting used to the cameras.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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