Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 3

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Lee Mack and guest panellists including Ross Noble.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

I've had a baby six days ago, so I haven't slept for six days,

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-so I'm a bit wired, so I don't know what's been going on in the news. Has Gadaffi been found yet?

-No.

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Contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Lee Mack.

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In the news this week, as his ex-wife's revelations appear in the tabloid press,

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Jeremy Clarkson happens to spot Max Clifford in the street.

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LAUGHTER

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Arriving late for the Euro summit, Nicolas Sarkozy explains how he got trapped in the folding bed.

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LAUGHTER

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In London, rumours that Kate Middleton signed a multi-million pound

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sponsorship deal with Pringles.

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight is an award winning journalist and broadcaster who, in 2009,

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visited a drug and prostitution rehabilitation centre in Walsall.

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I think she was there to do an interview, anyway...

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Please welcome Victoria Derbyshire!

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comic who says his career has always been guided

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more by how much fun he's having than anything else.

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Tonight, we can only assume he's here for the pay packet.

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Please welcome Ross Noble.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the big stories of the week. Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

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Angela Merkel, and her bezzie mate, Nicolas. Oh, there's Silvio, in between court appearances.

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-With a man!

-Yeah. David Cameron, he's got to go because he's not in the Euro gang.

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-Oh!

-Is he being lynched?

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# Rule Britannia Britannia rules...#

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LAUGHTER

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Someone singing Britannia Rules The Waves and burning an EU flag.

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I expect that's clinched the argument(!)

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This is the big emergency crisis summit in Brussels

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where all the EU leaders are certain they want an end to the uncertainty,

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they're just not certain how to do it.

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So they've agreed what?

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They said, "We agree that we really, really need to do something about this crisis."

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Oh, I'm relieved then.

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17 different Euro-zone nations can't even agree on what time of day they should all eat cheese,

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so it's taken two years, no wonder it's taken two years to get to this point.

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Sarkozy made a cheap joke about Mrs Merkel,

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which I gather set back the Euro about six months.

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-He said, "She's on a diet, but I saw her eating cheese twice!"

-Yes.

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Each one of those cheeses represents a World War.

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She brought up the war. She said, unless we solve this, there's going to be another war.

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I thought, "Not necessarily!"

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Where does the Primula cheese spread fit into this? I don't claim to be the most political man,

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-but how does the...

-But you know you cheeses!

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I do, I know my cheeses. I tell you what, yeah.

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-Where does that fit into the whole...

-Is that a top British cheese?

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The Primula cheese spread? It's like toothpaste in a cheese form.

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It's magnificent. I put it on a toothbrush and then floss with the wax from a Babybel.

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Sorry, I thought this was Have I Got Cheese For You.

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-You refer to me as Dairylee Mack.

-OK.

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-So...

-LAUGHTER

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That's not a gag, I'm just sponsoring them! So, it's the collapse of the Euro,

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but why is it different this time?

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Because it's serious this time. All the other times it wasn't, apparently.

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We accept that Greece is going to go bust, but now it's Italy as well.

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Most people thought, "Italy, that's a stable country, run by a sensible fellow(!)"

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LAUGHTER

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That can't possibly be going down the tubes!

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But actually, apparently, he spent over a trillion Euros on prostitutes.

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LAUGHTER

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No, I made that up.

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What's the bail out? How much is it this time, do you know?

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For Italy, 1.9 trillion?

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-That's their debt.

-Is that their debt?

-The bail out fund has gone up

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from 400 billion Euros to a trillion Euros.

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It's hard to tell, according to the Mail on Wednesday it's...

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-The Mail on Wednesday?

-I should have paused after "Mail!" According to the Mail...on Wednesday...

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LAUGHTER

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It is...

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But if you believe the Express... on Tuesday, it is...

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But they don't even know where this money is coming from. Having had the summit, they said,

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"We have this fantastic plan, we'll have all this money...and we'll borrow it from the Chinese."

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But they haven't asked!

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And also, the Chinese, what do they know about cheese?

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LAUGHTER

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They hate cheese, it's not in their diet. It doesn't matter,

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if Greece goes, it doesn't matter, because who likes feta?

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LAUGHTER

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Does anyone know what a trillion is?

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Is it a thousand billion?

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A trillion is when a human mates with a Klingon.

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LAUGHTER

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So you've met my wife?

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Oh, yes!

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How has David Cameron been referring to the latest plans to fix the Euro?

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President Sarkozy shouted at him on Sunday, apparently, and said,

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TRIES FRENCH ACCENT: "We are sick of you..." No, that's Italian, what's a French accent?

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-THEY MUTTER IN MOCK FRENCH

-Camembert!

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Camembert!

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IN HEAVY EUROPEAN ACCENT: "We are sick of you criticising us..." That's still Nancy Dell'Olio!

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It's great though, just keep going!

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"We are sick of you criticising us. You hate the Euro and yet you still want to interfere in our meeting."

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HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: "We are not interested in your Cathedral City!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Nicolas is alleged to have shouted at Dave...

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Let's have a look at what happened when Sarkozy and Merkel were asked

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if they had persuaded Berlusconi to do something about Italy's debts.

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'President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel were asked if they thought he'd listened.'

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'A look said it all.'

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LAUGHTER

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They can't even be bothered to tell the lie, can they?

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Under pressure, Italy may be about to agree drastic measures to save the Euro. Anyone know what it is?

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Raise the pension age, cut wages, lay off thousands and thousands of people...

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There was a fight though, wasn't there? In the Italian parliament? "This is how politics works. Pow!"

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ROSS: One of them said something about the other one's wife, apparently!

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Wasn't even a political debate!

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"Your wife's a slag", and it all kicked off!

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That's what we need here.

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Not slaggy wives. Fighting.

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Why's John Bishop in the middle.

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LAUGHTER

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ROSS: And why is Spike Milligan helping from behind?

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Back at home, Cameron was tackling a backbench rebellion of a referendum on EU membership earlier this week.

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-How many Tory MPs rebelled?

-81 voted against and 30-odd more abstained.

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According to the Times...

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That's a hard habit to break!

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How does that happen? How do you vote in the House Of Commons?

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It's late, you go through one door, you come out, you go through the other one. It's confusing.

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If that happens, does it mean it's going to rain?

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LAUGHTER

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Does anyone remember the advice Mrs Thatcher was given facing a backbench rebellion?

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Keep smiling and pretend you like the ... ers

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Say it again!

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-No, my mum might be watching!

-I don't care, this will save me £1.50 a minute on phonecalls.

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LAUGHTER

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You're not like this on the radio, are you?

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- I wouldn't say that on the radio! - "Here's some travel, you fuckers!"

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Her chief whip told her...

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She didn't bother.

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One of the rebels was Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. Let's have a look.

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He's a young Tory, whose father is William Rees-Mogg.

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He's a famous newspaper columnist.

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But Jacob is very, very...odd.

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-Is he crackers?

-No, no...

-Jacob Crackers, it deserved more!

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LAUGHTER

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He took his nanny campaigning.

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Which is new in British politics.

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-I think David Cameron finds him embarrassing.

-When you say he took his nanny,

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-what, door to door?

-He said, "Would you like to vote Conservative? Have you met my nanny?"

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And she said, "Vote Conservative!"

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This is what he said...

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And did we see how Newsnight dealt with this?

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When you were speaking last night, you invoked the spirit of Henry V, didn't you?

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-I did.

-"Stiffen the sinews..."

-"Summon up the blood."

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-Be like a tiger.

-Absolutely.

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As opposed to being like Bagpuss?

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That's absolutely right.

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I'm flattered that you listened to my speeches so carefully,

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that's an admirable trend.

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-What the Prime Minister needs...

-Who's Bagpuss?

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What the Prime Minister needs is to be able to say,

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"Look, I've got to get powers back, because my backbenchers want it."

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-So it's David Cameron who's Bagpuss?

-No. Certainly not.

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We strengthen the Prime Minister's position and help him

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to have the courage of a tiger when he's negotiating with the Lib Dems...

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AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT

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That's brilliant.

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Every time there's a problem in politics,

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he's going to emerge, bring out the mice.

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# We will fix it We will fix it

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-Of course Nick Clegg, he's not been helping David Cameron this week?

-No.

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You actually interviewed Nick Clegg shortly after he was elected as Lib Dem leader.

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-I did. That was a few years ago now, but yeah, I did.

-Nice guy?

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-He was fine.

-Blimey.

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-I can't... As a BBC journalist, I'm...

-You've got to be impartial?

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I'm paid not to have opinions.

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Really? Welcome to the show.

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We sent Paul Greer out to see how much the name Nick Clegg has seeped into the public's consciousness.

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-RECORDING:

-'I think I'll accost those folks at the bus stop to see if they recognise our man.'

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-'Yes, I think I do.'

-'Go on, then.'

-'Um, is it Steve?'

-'Steve who?'

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-'Um, oh, I worked for him.'

-'It's not Steve.'

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Oh, I love that. Yes, this is the European crisis.

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According to The Sun, there are claims Berlusconi needs...

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Still, that's what happens when you take out a small loan with the Corleone family.

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Should Berlusconi step down, his likely successor is the leader of the Northern League Party,

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Umberto Bossi.

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So soon Italy's Prime Minister will be Bossi as opposed to randy.

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Last week, Nicolas Sarkozy had a beautiful girl called Julia.

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As did Berlusconi, but that's a different story.

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Paul and Ross, take a look at this.

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-Pensioners.

-The Queen and Prince Philip in Australia.

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-I think that's where they are as we speak.

-And a stick.

-Yep.

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AS QUEEN: This boomerang is crap.

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It's just a stick. You're 'aving me on.

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-That is an enclosure with poor people in it.

-Yes.

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AS QUEEN: Take these, they're horrible!

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This is the Queen and Prince Philip in Australia, being greeted by crowds wherever they go.

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-And they rode on a tram.

-Did they? Was that in Melbourne?

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The St Kilda tram, which, funnily enough,

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is the very tram that went past the hospital where Lee Mack used to work as a bogus official.

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Let's not talk about that.

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So...

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Yes.

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Look, I used to book people in for appointments.

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I wasn't a gynaecologist, or anything.

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Well, you were an enthusiastic amateur.

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"I'll have a look. I can't do anything."

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I used to...

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I was a backpacker and I blagged my way into a hospital job booking people in for appointments.

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You weren't actually being a fake doctor?

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No, but I might have exaggerated my qualifications to get the job.

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As the world descends into chaos what has been

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the big noise down under according to the Daily Mail?

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This would be about the Australian Prime Minister not curtsying.

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Gillard. Julia Gillard. She said, "It's just not me."

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What else did she do wrong?

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It's something to do with her attire.

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She rolled a tyre at the Queen.

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She put a tyre on a swing and as the Queen approached, she went....

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And the Queen went, "Go on, curtsy."

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AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I can't, love, I'm in a bloody tyre."

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-APPLAUSE

-It's not quite it.

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-She didn't have a hat on?

-That is it.

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She didn't have a hat on.

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-What did the Palace say about this slight to the monarch?

-We didn't notice.

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People can dress for the Queen however they like, we don't mind.

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They said, "There's no obligatory code of behaviour, just curtsy."

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Sorry, just... Sorry, I said that wrong.

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Actually, that would have been better, wouldn't it?

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"Just curtsy!"

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They said the person who is least concerned about protocol is the Queen.

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So why do we do it? I say "we", I've never met her.

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Have you met the Queen?

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-No.

-Anybody in the audience met the Queen?

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I once saw Brian May out of the bus.

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Did you see the Queen meet one of the Bulleen Boomers this week?

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They're a top Australian basketball team.

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-The Queen met Elizabeth Cambage.

-Who's very tall.

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Let's have a look at this.

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The Queen's the one on the left!

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You feel she could literally pop the Queen through the hoop.

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-What did the Queen say when she saw this very tall lady?

-Have you come far?

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Has it started raining yet?

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-APPLAUSE

-Oh, marvellous. No.

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She said, "You're very tall."

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And followed it with...

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Brilliant.

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After meeting the basketball player, the Queen was a little bit self-conscious about her height.

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So Prince Philip tried to help feel better.

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APPLAUSE

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At a banquet, Prince Philip was reminded of what he said

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when he was introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who worked in movies.

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He said...

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Why do we feel sorry for the Queen this week?

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Oh, heating bills, is it? She's almost in fuel poverty.

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She spends a load of money heating Buckingham Palace.

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She's one of the people that report was about. Older couples

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who are living in big buildings with no children.

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-He's flogging it off, old Charles.

-Is he?

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He said I won't live in Buckingham Palace when I'm King.

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Which could be because he's not going to be.

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-Anyone know what he's going to do with it?

-A hotel?

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-He's going to turn it into a hotel. That's according to Andrew Marr's new book.

-Yeah.

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And he keeps his ear to the ground.

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Is Prince Charles going to be the manager? "Would you like the minibar replenished?

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Camilla is going to serve breakfasts. "Here we are, love."

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Apparently, Charles will take with him a number of highly specialised servants to this hotel.

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What is one of them particularly good at?

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Is that the chap who squeezes the toothpaste?

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Or does he give you the naughty movies on the TV?

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Such an image of your life!

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I spend a lot of time on the road, you know.

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The amount of times I've had to summon up a butler.

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Is that some sort of slang?

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According to a new book on Buckingham Palace...

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According to the same book, what is so special about the white drawing room at Buckingham Palace?

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It's black.

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The actual answer is it's yellow and has a full-length mirror in one corner and...

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VICTORIA: Oh!

0:17:410:17:43

Hang on. They'll be literally just waiting there

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and everyone is having their starter

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and Maj is in there going, "Not yet.

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"Wait. Wait."

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AS PHILIP: I'm desperate for a piss!

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"Not yet."

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Whoom. "Da-da!"

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-Do we believe any of this book?

-No.

0:18:010:18:04

This is the Royal visit Down Under.

0:18:040:18:06

Andrew Marr has a book out called The Diamond Queen,

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although the working title was Andrew Marr's Cynical Diamond Jubilee Cash-in Book.

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Still, it should cover some of the legal fees for that super-injunction.

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Before round two, we're introducing a brand-new technical innovation to the show.

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The Large Hadron Collider Of News.

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All: Ooh!

0:18:260:18:28

In this round, we fire high-speed news particles at each other

0:18:330:18:36

and analyse the result.

0:18:360:18:37

Buzz in when you know what the story is.

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BUZZER

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That is the tent city that nobody's in.

0:18:430:18:47

They set up their tents outside the cathedral.

0:18:470:18:50

-And they used thermal imaging devices.

-And none of them are wearing thermals.

0:18:500:18:54

Yeah. It was a hell of a sight.

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And some bloke's left. Some canon's been fired, or whatever.

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-He's resigned because he invited them to stay originally.

-Yes.

0:19:020:19:06

He thought it might be a good idea, people protesting about poverty.

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Anyway he was overruled.

0:19:090:19:11

The Dean came in and said, "Yes, obviously,

0:19:110:19:14

"we want to help the poor, but the gift shop's losing a lot of money."

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And the visitors. So they close the cathedral

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on the grounds of health and safety.

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They said the guy ropes of the tent might trip over visitors.

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And there could be a rodent problem.

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Never mind that, that bloke's been nailed to a bit of wood.

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Never mind the guy ropes, look at him up the top there!

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I've offered my services. I'm going to grow a beard, go down, dressed in a loin cloth,

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walk out with a crown of thorns and go, "Oi, off!"

0:19:430:19:46

"Off!"

0:19:460:19:48

APPLAUSE

0:19:480:19:49

Just so the canon can go, "I told you I'd get my supervisor."

0:19:510:19:55

One newspaper said "We've had thermal imaging and no-one is in the tents."

0:19:570:20:01

-Another said, "You can't tell, they may well be there."

-What?

0:20:010:20:03

They're just very, very cold? They've actually died!

0:20:030:20:08

Wasting time with thermal imaging and getting the equipment - just a spike.

0:20:080:20:12

That's all you need.

0:20:120:20:13

Agh! That's one.

0:20:130:20:15

Agh! No, nothing there.

0:20:150:20:18

Agh!

0:20:180:20:20

We've got a thermal-image still from the Daily Mail.

0:20:200:20:23

Apparently, it reveals the green object in the foreground is a bin.

0:20:230:20:28

Does anyone know what's the camp slogan?

0:20:300:20:33

-CAMP VOICE:

-Oh!

0:20:330:20:34

ROSS INDISTINCT

0:20:360:20:39

Unless it gets a bit nippy and we run out of pants!

0:20:430:20:46

Natasha Ighodaro and Nicholas Cunningham got married at St Paul's on Saturday.

0:20:460:20:50

The protesters promise to keep quiet after one o'clock.

0:20:500:20:53

By 1:30, according to the Sunday Times, the protesters were...

0:20:530:20:57

Well, let me tell you, that is not true.

0:21:060:21:09

Um...

0:21:120:21:13

Yes. Have we covered all those questions?

0:21:140:21:16

-MAN: I believe you've got a couple more.

-Have I? Sorry.

0:21:160:21:20

I've got a question. I didn't move the card. It's here.

0:21:200:21:23

OK. Next question. How do I get this gig?

0:21:230:21:26

-APPLAUSE

-Anyone?

0:21:280:21:29

Er, do you know there's a clown protesting?

0:21:340:21:36

Here he is.

0:21:360:21:38

It would be great if he just was genuinely a bad undercover cop.

0:21:380:21:42

Does anyone know what he's called?

0:21:440:21:45

PC Coco?

0:21:450:21:48

Not so much enthusiasm in your voice, please, Ross(!)

0:21:480:21:52

-AS ROSS:

-PC Coco, if I have to.

0:21:520:21:54

-You'll never guess it, I don't know why I'm asking.

-OK, try us.

0:21:550:21:59

Barry Daft.

0:21:590:22:00

Anybody know his real name?

0:22:030:22:05

William Daft?

0:22:050:22:06

His real name - Andrew.

0:22:070:22:10

Thank God we got to the comedy gold of the clown.

0:22:100:22:14

APPLAUSE

0:22:150:22:16

Countering claims they are spoiling the square at St Paul's,

0:22:210:22:24

one 18-year-old, who gave his name as Sean, told the Telegraph...

0:22:240:22:27

In that case, Sean, you're one of the few teenage boys in the country who is.

0:22:290:22:33

Critics are concerned the protest is having an adverse effect on businesses in the area.

0:22:340:22:39

Try telling that to the manager of the local branch of Millets.

0:22:390:22:43

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:440:22:46

There's a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.

0:22:490:22:52

Yes, there is a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.

0:22:520:22:54

I knew that because I read "Burton-on Trent" and saw perfume.

0:22:540:22:57

That was a give-away. What's unusual about the perfume?

0:22:570:23:01

-It smells of...

-Burton-on-Trent city centre.

0:23:010:23:03

You're not a million miles away by saying that.

0:23:050:23:08

It's creator Victoria Brooks told the Telegraph...

0:23:080:23:10

You're really selling it, Victoria!

0:23:220:23:25

So there are people going to the chemist going,

0:23:250:23:28

"I'll get this new... Mm."

0:23:280:23:30

"Oh, mm, a Big Issue seller and a Dixons."

0:23:300:23:33

"That's lovely. Yeah."

0:23:340:23:37

That's good, because that would attract blokes.

0:23:370:23:40

Splash that behind and he just goes... HE SNIFFS

0:23:400:23:42

"I fancy a new clock radio."

0:23:420:23:44

According to the Telegraph the perfume...

0:23:470:23:49

Eugh!

0:23:530:23:55

If you want to know what that smells like, try standing downwind of these two.

0:23:550:24:00

Isn't like your mum and dad, Ross?

0:24:000:24:02

Well you should know, you've shagged her.

0:24:060:24:09

You started it!

0:24:110:24:12

-And this is for women to wear?

-For women, but I'm sure men can wear it, as well.

0:24:150:24:19

-I think any woman would fight to have the aroma of Branston pickle around her.

-Yeah.

0:24:190:24:24

You wouldn't want to smell of your home town. Where are you from, Victoria?

0:24:240:24:27

I was born in Bury.

0:24:270:24:29

Oh, that's ruined that joke.

0:24:290:24:30

-It says on the card "Ramsbottom".

-Yes, Ramsbottom's Bury, yes.

0:24:310:24:35

-You can't smell like Bury, but you can smell like a ram's bottom.

-Oh!

0:24:350:24:39

Do it again. You wouldn't want to smell like your home town. Victoria, where are you from?

0:24:390:24:44

-Ramsbottom.

-You liar, you're from Bury!

0:24:440:24:46

APPLAUSE

0:24:460:24:49

You can't trust the BBC, can you?! Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:490:24:53

BUZZER

0:24:550:24:56

This is an incident in a Photo-Me booth at Victoria Station.

0:25:010:25:05

It's Clarkson. Has lifted his... He lifted his, er...

0:25:050:25:09

-Injunction.

-That's the word I was looking for.

0:25:090:25:12

That could have gone one of two ways.

0:25:120:25:15

-Is it Clarkson lifting his injunction, Lee?

-You what, love?

0:25:150:25:18

Is it Clarkson, lifting his injunction?

0:25:180:25:22

I've just had one, thank you.

0:25:220:25:24

Before we go anywhere, with this,

0:25:250:25:28

can I say that both sides deny everything the other one says about them.

0:25:280:25:32

Said it. Can we move on?

0:25:320:25:33

He says, he and his wife took out this injunction to stop his ex-wife

0:25:330:25:38

from claiming that she'd had an affair with him after he'd remarried.

0:25:380:25:43

-Yeah.

-And now he has decided that he will lift the injunction

0:25:430:25:48

-so he can defend himself.

-I think he's found

0:25:480:25:50

that, like everyone else, they don't work. Originally, the super-injunction

0:25:500:25:54

was granted because there was a suggestion of blackmail.

0:25:540:25:58

He says the former wife, the woman he was married to before, was blackmailing him.

0:25:580:26:03

So, he took out an injunction so no-one could say anything.

0:26:030:26:05

Which, essentially, is not a really logical way of fighting it.

0:26:050:26:09

If she's blackmailing you,

0:26:090:26:10

prosecute her for blackmail and put her in jail.

0:26:100:26:13

It's almost the last of the big super-injunctions

0:26:130:26:15

that no-one was allowed to talk about and report.

0:26:150:26:18

-But was its generally known?

-Yeah.

0:26:180:26:20

-Did you know it?

-Yeah.

0:26:200:26:22

-Did you know it?

-Yeah.

0:26:220:26:23

Did you know it?

0:26:230:26:24

Yeah, Ian told me.

0:26:240:26:25

Did you all know it?

0:26:270:26:29

Nobody told me.

0:26:290:26:30

Thanks a lot,

0:26:300:26:32

that means I'm technically in breach of the injunction.

0:26:320:26:36

-You'd better come and visit me.

-I will.

0:26:400:26:42

Make it Wandsworth, that's near for me.

0:26:420:26:45

But, originally, everyone thought that it was Jeremy Clarkson

0:26:450:26:48

and Jemima Khan, who was falsely linked...

0:26:480:26:51

No-one thought that except people on Twitter,

0:26:510:26:53

cos they don't know.

0:26:530:26:55

Oh, OK, so you didn't think that?

0:26:550:26:57

-No.

-Ah, OK.

0:26:570:26:58

People thought it was about Jemima Khan?

0:26:580:27:00

It's like being in court here.

0:27:000:27:03

Yeah, get used to it, blabbermouth.

0:27:030:27:05

According to Clarkson's people, whose honour

0:27:080:27:11

did Clarkson's first wife initially say she wanted to defend?

0:27:110:27:14

The honour of the Stig, because she thought he had been treated badly.

0:27:140:27:18

What, and he can't talk?

0:27:180:27:20

Well, he's got a helmet over his head.

0:27:200:27:22

It's an actual man under the thing.

0:27:220:27:25

-Thermal imaging has proved that.

-Yeah.

0:27:250:27:28

He told the Independent...

0:27:280:27:32

Well, that's very nice.

0:27:340:27:36

Do you two often go off on, like, caravanning holidays?

0:27:360:27:39

I can see you two hanging out quite a lot.

0:27:400:27:43

"Right, let's drive!" "All right, Jeremy."

0:27:430:27:47

It says this on the card, Ian. So don't think I'm pushing you.

0:27:470:27:50

It says, "Who else has got one out, then, Ian?" A super-injunction.

0:27:500:27:53

Um...

0:27:530:27:55

JLV versus HXX, that's a good one.

0:27:550:27:58

-Scrabble board?

-Yes.

0:27:580:28:00

What do you mean?

0:28:000:28:01

-They get initialised, these injunctions.

-But not the initials

0:28:010:28:05

-of their names?

-No.

0:28:050:28:06

Oh, I thought it was somebody Roman.

0:28:060:28:10

I thought, that's a bit weird, isn't it?

0:28:100:28:12

Some centurion has been having it off with a Big Brother contestant.

0:28:120:28:16

"They romped wildly in the back of a chariot!"

0:28:160:28:20

They're very long-lasting, super-injunctions.

0:28:200:28:23

That one's from AD 10.

0:28:230:28:25

We couldn't broadcast it, you couldn't publish it in a newspaper,

0:28:250:28:29

we could chat about it in the pub.

0:28:290:28:30

-Can you allude to it, though?

-No, no, no.

0:28:300:28:33

You could say there was that actor, that was with a thing in the woo,

0:28:330:28:36

and don't, Mrs...

0:28:360:28:38

Jack Douglas from the Carry On films?

0:28:380:28:41

Waye-ay! Cannay tatch er! Waye!

0:28:410:28:44

You know, all I'm saying is, there's the bloke from that thing

0:28:440:28:48

that's on the, you know, and he...with her,

0:28:480:28:51

and she...with... Oh, blimey, not up there!

0:28:510:28:53

Could you say, I know about a footballer?

0:28:530:28:57

If it was an injunction you could, but if it's a super-injunction...

0:28:570:29:00

-You can't say anything.

-No, you can't say anything.

0:29:000:29:03

-You can't acknowledge a super-injunction exists.

-Then, he's in trouble.

0:29:030:29:07

Cos he just acknowledged one exists about, eh, jee nowhap, eh, ooh, eh!

0:29:070:29:11

He's going down.

0:29:110:29:13

All I'll say is it certainly cured his hiccups!

0:29:130:29:18

Clarkson said one reason for dropping his super-injunction was the cost.

0:29:180:29:21

PHONE RINGS

0:29:210:29:23

Hello?

0:29:300:29:33

Oh, hi, I can't really talk now,

0:29:330:29:35

I'm in the middle of a television recording.

0:29:350:29:39

I'll... I'll, I'll ...

0:29:390:29:42

I'll ring you back.

0:29:420:29:45

Sorry, it's my lawyer.

0:29:450:29:47

Did it cure your hiccups?

0:29:470:29:49

Apparently I had a conversation with Paul Merton six months ago,

0:29:490:29:53

but I didn't mention anything

0:29:530:29:55

that could have been linked to those cases,

0:29:550:29:58

-particularly not that one.

-Absolutely.

-You told Ross, though.

0:29:580:30:03

-No, no. Paul told me.

-Oh, Paul told you?

0:30:030:30:06

How did he find out?

0:30:060:30:07

Ian told me.

0:30:070:30:08

Time now for the odd-one-out round.

0:30:120:30:14

Ian and Victoria, your four are -

0:30:140:30:16

Alessio Rastani,

0:30:160:30:18

footage used in an ITV documentary about Gaddafi's links with the IRA,

0:30:180:30:22

Vladimir Putin's discovery of two Ancient Greek urns

0:30:220:30:25

and Greyfriars Bobby.

0:30:250:30:26

He's the trader who was interviewed on the BBC News Channel

0:30:260:30:30

and outraged everybody by saying,

0:30:300:30:32

"The recession's great, you can make loads of money, bankers like me

0:30:320:30:36

"just take, take, take. The recession's brilliant."

0:30:360:30:39

-They said he was a fake but he isn't.

-That's right.

0:30:390:30:41

Well, that footage at the front of the Gaddafi film,

0:30:410:30:44

they made a documentary and said, "These are weapons used by..." Was it the IRA?

0:30:440:30:48

-The key thing is they took the imagery from a video game.

-Yes.

0:30:480:30:51

And it was FIFA 2010.

0:30:510:30:54

So, no, that's fake.

0:30:550:30:57

Putin, I read this story, cos Putin likes to be, you know, action man.

0:30:570:31:01

And this was footage of him discovering two Greek urns.

0:31:010:31:05

And then there were suggestions that the urns had been planted

0:31:050:31:09

in the dig, so Putin could go,

0:31:090:31:11

"I have found the urns."

0:31:110:31:13

-That was...

-Blofeld!

0:31:130:31:16

That was Darth Vader, wasn't it?

0:31:160:31:18

-And the dog?

-He was so faithful, Greyfriars Bobby,

0:31:180:31:21

he was always stayed

0:31:210:31:22

on the gravestone of his owner, and it turned out this wasn't true.

0:31:220:31:26

He was just a dog who hung around the graveyard, hoping to be fed.

0:31:260:31:30

So, they're all frauds, apart from the trader.

0:31:300:31:33

Is the right answer.

0:31:330:31:34

Hooray! Well done, you.

0:31:340:31:36

Yes, they're all not what they were claimed to be,

0:31:400:31:43

apart from Alessio Rastani,

0:31:430:31:45

who really was a trader, despite everyone assuming he was a hoax.

0:31:450:31:48

Rastani appeared on BBC News saying

0:31:480:31:50

he goes to bed every night dreaming of another recession.

0:31:500:31:53

His remarks were so extreme he was assumed to be a hoaxer. Shall we take a look?

0:31:530:31:56

Personally, I've been dreaming of this moment for three years.

0:31:560:32:00

I have a confession, which is,

0:32:000:32:01

I go to bed every night, I dream of another recession.

0:32:010:32:04

I dream of another moment like this. This is not a time right now to...

0:32:040:32:07

Wishful thinking, the government is going to sort things out,

0:32:070:32:10

the governments don't rule the world,

0:32:100:32:12

Goldman Sachs rules the world.

0:32:120:32:15

A cheery thought, isn't it?

0:32:150:32:17

And they don't even pay any tax.

0:32:170:32:19

Or they don't pay enough tax.

0:32:190:32:21

Lawyer.

0:32:210:32:22

-Is he still hanging from up there?

-Yeah!

0:32:240:32:27

It's the only place he can get reception to phone Ian.

0:32:270:32:32

Putin went on a scuba diving trip and claimed to have discovered two ancient Greek urns.

0:32:320:32:36

Putin was then reported to have declared, with a big grin...

0:32:360:32:39

The boys presumably referring to

0:32:410:32:43

a team of professional archaeologists several years earlier.

0:32:430:32:46

Ofcom has launched an enquiry after ITV mistakenly included

0:32:460:32:49

a video game clip instead of real footage

0:32:490:32:52

of its new current affairs show, Exposure.

0:32:520:32:54

What was the clip meant to be showing?

0:32:540:32:57

A helicopter being shot down.

0:32:570:32:59

It's when it said, "Game Over."

0:32:590:33:02

-They should have really twigged.

-And the helicopter crashed

0:33:020:33:05

and a fat Italian plumber danced out.

0:33:050:33:08

In other news,

0:33:100:33:11

ITV are showing highlights of Wimbledon this year.

0:33:110:33:14

They're all not what they claim to be apart from Alessio Rastani,

0:33:170:33:21

who really was a trader, despite everybody assuming he was a hoax.

0:33:210:33:25

Journalists suggested he was part of the team of political hoaxers

0:33:250:33:28

called The Yes Men.

0:33:280:33:29

But when asked, The Yes Men said, "No."

0:33:290:33:33

Paul and Ross, here's yours -

0:33:330:33:35

Richard Branson,

0:33:350:33:36

Mario Balotelli,

0:33:360:33:38

Hermann Goering

0:33:380:33:39

and wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.

0:33:390:33:41

Balotelli was in the news last week for...

0:33:410:33:43

Somebody set-off some fireworks from the bathroom, I think, of his house.

0:33:430:33:48

-Branson's house just burnt down, didn't it?

-Oh, yes, that's true.

0:33:480:33:51

-Who was the fourth bloke, in the mask?

-Wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.

0:33:510:33:55

It's got to be about fireworks.

0:33:550:33:57

The wannabe alchemist, he's, sort of, trying to get gold from lead, or something.

0:33:570:34:01

Is it about fireworks? Is that the idea and houses not burning down?

0:34:010:34:05

-Yes, you're on the right track, it's actually...

-Goering.

0:34:050:34:08

Goering, yes, why is it Goering?

0:34:080:34:10

-Well, all their houses burned down...

-Yes.

0:34:100:34:12

..and his...his didn't. Erm...

0:34:120:34:16

His didn't and the producers of this show just randomly

0:34:170:34:20

selected Goering as opposed to Barry Chuckle.

0:34:200:34:22

They all have houses that caught fire apart from Hermann Goering,

0:34:220:34:27

who ordered the Luftwaffe not to drop incendiary bombs

0:34:270:34:29

on a Kent seaside town because he wanted to live there after the war.

0:34:290:34:33

-It was, did you see Saltwood Castle?

-I have seen it, yes.

0:34:330:34:36

Yes, well, that's what he was interested in living in.

0:34:360:34:38

The Hive Herald was very excited, naturally. How did they cover it?

0:34:380:34:42

Hive Hitler?

0:34:420:34:43

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:34:430:34:47

They published this photo. That's with Goering looking out to sea

0:34:470:34:50

with the caption...

0:34:500:34:51

Police were called to the Manchester City striker

0:34:560:34:59

Mario Balotelli's house after a friend set off

0:34:590:35:01

fireworks in the player's bathroom, causing a substantial fire.

0:35:010:35:04

Why in the bathroom?

0:35:040:35:05

Because the kitchen was busy,

0:35:050:35:07

there was a bonfire in there.

0:35:070:35:11

Didn't he chuck his keys at the police and say,

0:35:110:35:13

"If you need me I'll be at the Radisson?"

0:35:130:35:15

He did say that, yes.

0:35:150:35:17

Charming, isn't he? Why has Balotelli also upset his mum this week?

0:35:170:35:20

She sent him out for a kettle and he came back with a trampoline,

0:35:200:35:23

two mopeds and...

0:35:230:35:26

-Scalextric.

-Scalextric.

0:35:270:35:29

This is a true story, by the way.

0:35:290:35:30

Every time I answer a question properly people look at me like...

0:35:300:35:35

He went to the moon on a unicycle. There you go.

0:35:350:35:37

Mario's mum sent him out to buy the cleaner some essential items.

0:35:370:35:41

As the sun described...

0:35:410:35:43

Good luck cleaning with those.

0:35:490:35:51

Wannabe alchemist Paul Moran,

0:35:510:35:53

he was recently sentenced

0:35:530:35:54

to three months in prison after he set his council house on fire trying

0:35:540:35:58

to turn his own faeces into gold by heating it to a high temperature.

0:35:580:36:03

Urgh!

0:36:030:36:05

He hasn't read the alchemy books, has he? It's lead into gold,

0:36:050:36:08

not turds.

0:36:080:36:09

Literally sitting on a gold mine, is that the idea?

0:36:100:36:14

He's a bloke from Ireland who turns shit into gold,

0:36:160:36:18

isn't that Westlife?

0:36:180:36:20

Branson's house in the Caribbean burnt down after being

0:36:250:36:28

-struck by lightning during a tropical storm.

-Kate Winslet was there, wasn't she?

0:36:280:36:32

- She saved his mum. - That's right.

0:36:320:36:34

Richard told ITV news...

0:36:340:36:35

Ah, fleeing from a burning mansion on a private Caribbean island

0:36:460:36:50

carrying the elderly mother of a bearded multibillionaire -

0:36:500:36:53

that's a real-life situation I think we can all relate to.

0:36:530:36:56

Richard Branson's house burnt down after being struck by lightning.

0:37:000:37:04

According to the Mail, when the house was set on fire...

0:37:040:37:07

At the insistence of his guests.

0:37:100:37:13

Time now for the missing words round

0:37:130:37:15

which, this week, features as its guest publication,

0:37:150:37:18

The Newsletter Of The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.

0:37:180:37:21

That's a museum devoted to leftover food, not to be confused with the celebrity leftovers

0:37:210:37:25

you can see on the current series of Strictly Come Dancing.

0:37:250:37:28

And we start with...

0:37:280:37:29

Taking them to destination.

0:37:320:37:34

Passing the electric current through seats in the second class.

0:37:360:37:41

Treating them like human beings.

0:37:410:37:43

Oh, it's the cockpit with the tape! They taped up the cockpit window...

0:37:440:37:47

-That is the right answer.

-..and then took off!

0:37:470:37:50

Let's have a look at that.

0:37:530:37:55

It's actually more worrying than it looks,

0:37:550:37:57

cos that's after takeoff.

0:37:570:37:59

Next...

0:38:000:38:02

Huge success.

0:38:030:38:04

Disaster.

0:38:040:38:07

Middling.

0:38:070:38:08

Closed.

0:38:080:38:10

Bombed.

0:38:100:38:11

Was it, "Gutted when Eamonn Holmes turned up?"

0:38:110:38:15

Says Eamonn Holmes.

0:38:220:38:24

This was a review of the museum by a visitor. Next...

0:38:240:38:27

That's it, that's the actual sentence, there, there's no...

0:38:300:38:35

actual missing word there.

0:38:350:38:37

15 empty gin bottles.

0:38:370:38:40

It's actually...

0:38:400:38:42

"Neuuu."

0:38:460:38:48

Jan Leeming is just one of the galaxy of stars whose leftovers

0:38:480:38:51

feature in The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.

0:38:510:38:54

Craig Richie, the ex-BBC weatherman, left a pastry,

0:38:540:38:56

he'd expected it to be warm, but it turned out to be cold.

0:38:560:38:59

Did they get the Chuckle Brothers to write this week? Next...

0:39:000:39:04

Buying any more avocados? Err, growing them?

0:39:080:39:11

Inserting them?

0:39:110:39:12

-Inserting them?

-Yeah.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah.

-Owning more than ten.

0:39:120:39:16

-What?

-Yeah, a man has been banned from owning more than ten avocados,

0:39:180:39:22

or five avocado PAIRS.

0:39:220:39:25

This is an American thief in San Diego who was banned by a judge

0:39:270:39:30

from owning more than ten avocados after he admitted to stealing £1,000 of the fruit.

0:39:300:39:34

The thief feared a prison sentence but after three days of the avocado trial,

0:39:340:39:38

the judge went soft on him.

0:39:380:39:40

And finally...

0:39:410:39:43

Terry Nutkins with a stepladder.

0:39:450:39:47

A scarf for Christmas.

0:39:520:39:53

A new foot? Yes, it's going to be a new foot, isn't it?

0:39:550:39:58

-It's something to do with feet.

-Pedicure.

-It is a pedicure.

-Is it?!

0:39:580:40:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:040:40:07

So, the final scores are Ian and Victoria with nine points, Paul and Ross with seven points.

0:40:090:40:13

It's a win, thank you very much indeed.

0:40:130:40:15

-Sorry about that.

-That's all right.

0:40:150:40:17

But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:190:40:23

Ian and Victoria have this...

0:40:230:40:25

Have you met Mr Clegg?

0:40:250:40:27

Doctor's haircut resembles a tunnel.

0:40:290:40:32

-And a tiny man climbs out of his bum.

-That's right.

0:40:350:40:38

Paul and Ross get this...

0:40:410:40:43

Come on, Gaddafi, we know you're in there.

0:40:440:40:48

It's funny, if you whistle that end, you get a noise out the other.

0:40:480:40:51

On which note we say thanks to our panellists Ian Hislop and Victoria Derbyshire,

0:40:510:40:56

Paul Merton and Ross Noble. And I leave you with news that at a meeting of the G8 countries,

0:40:560:41:00

there's a tense moment as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.

0:41:000:41:06

After running over the rabbit with a hover mower,

0:41:090:41:12

a quick thinking father tries to hide the evidence before the kids rush to see what the noise was.

0:41:120:41:17

GROANING

0:41:180:41:22

And as David Attenborough starts filming another documentary series,

0:41:220:41:26

there are signs that the animals are getting used to the cameras.

0:41:260:41:30

Goodnight.

0:41:310:41:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:580:42:01

E-mail [email protected]

0:42:010:42:03