Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week... The British Davis Cup tennis team

hear the announcement that, from now on, serving double faults will not be penalised.

In a conference centre in Athens, on hearing a third recipe for stuffed vine leaves,

one man begins to realise he's sitting in the wrong meeting.

And at a Lib Dem conference,

delegates are invited to vote in favour of the motion that

Nick Clegg doesn't have the faintest idea what he's doing.

With Ian is a comedian and actor

who believes we all have our own inner idiot inside us.

In his case, he's got room for two or three.

Please welcome Greg Davies.

APPLAUSE

With Paul is a journalist who, as a child,

dreamed of marriage to John Taylor from Duran Duran.

And for younger viewers, I should explain, marriage is something

couples used to do when they planned to stay together for more than a year or two.

Please welcome Grace Dent.

APPLAUSE

We start with the biggest stories of the week. Ian and Greg, take a look at this.

That's Greece. Or it was. It may be part of Germany by now.

Papandreou - he is announcing something new.

She's saying, "No way." Flat.

"Chuck it out." This is the latest bail out of a bail out.

By the time we go out, something else might have happened.

Can I just say, early doors,

I'm unlikely to make any insightful satirical remarks during this show.

If someone on the camera, when Ian makes one, could come to me

and I'll smile appreciatively...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No pressure, then.

I am aware of the Greek crisis.

-Oh, good.

-Over to you.

I was going to ask you what you thought about having a referendum.

Well, I think having a referendum is probably not a good thing.

-My understanding is that... Papandreou?

-Very good, yes.

My understanding is it's all his fault anyway.

Well, I'm glad no-one's asked you then.

Apparently, about six months ago, he borrowed a tenner off wonga.com.

Now they owe £83 billion.

There was meant to be a deal done

and then Papandreou said I'm going to ask the Greek people what they think,

which is pretty ludicrous.

Asking the public what they think about their own future -

it wouldn't happen in this country.

There was going to be a referendum.

The Germans and French said, "We're paying. So it better be a yes."

It suggests they haven't got the hang of this democracy thing.

So they said, literally, the referendum has to say,

"Would you like to leave the euro - no or no?"

Europe are now counting on China helping us out.

Basically, the Chinese Finance Minister,

turned up at the G20 and everyone is suddenly being nice to him.

They're like, "Have you lost weight?"

Apparently, Berlusconi has offended the Chinese President, President Hu, I believe,

by doing an incredibly ill-judged knock-knock joke.

They keep saying that Berlusconi should move out of the spotlight,

because he's done so many bad things,

but as a woman, I'd prefer him in the spotlight, so I can see where his hands are.

I think he should move out of the spotlight, because he's clearly melting, isn't he?

He looks like a Ken doll that's been sitting by a fan heater.

And Papandreou, I feel so sorry for him. There's a vote of no confidence in him. That's right, isn't there?

Since that, he's facing all the blame for this

and Berlusconi is still in power - how?

A man with the morals of a horny Jack Russell.

I think that's quite unfair to Jack Russells.

Angela Merkel hates him,

because he called her "an unfuckable lard bucket".

Who does your translations for you?

Everyone's got to have a nickname, I suppose.

I always think Angela Merkel sounds like a specialist fishing bait.

-Yah.

-Have you got it, Ian?

-Yeah, no, terrific.

Camera.

How have the Greeks reacted to the uncertainty?

One government official told the Mail...

That was the Finance Minister, Petros Cackytrousers.

How did a government insider defend the shock announcement?

He doesn't know what he's doing.

Yeah, pretty much. He said...

-That's quite good.

-Yeah.

Someone in the press said he was dancing on a volcano, Papandreou.

So he'd make an ideal partner for Nancy Dell'Olio.

I thought it was dangerous enough when Lionel Richie was dancing on the ceiling.

That was a health and safety nightmare, wasn't it?

Do you know why Greece got itself into trouble, according to the Daily Mail?

Goodness me, where do we start?

-Tax is seen as a, sort of, voluntary system there.

-50 quid seems reasonable.

They've got some stuff to sell, haven't they, Greece?

Their version of Antiques Roadshow would be amazing.

Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented, according to The Sun?

-Yes.

-Thank you, Paul.

-Feta cheese.

-No.

-Democracy.

-Democracy is one of them, yes.

-The Olympics.

-Yes.

-Nana Mouskouri.

-Yes, but they didn't put that in.

-Drama?

-Theatre is one of them.

-Satire.

-No.

I'll put you out of your misery. The seven things are mazes,

the Olympics, democracy,

theatre, geometry, lesbians...

LAUGHTER

-..and N-Dubz.

-N-Dubz?!

There was quite a drop off after they created democracy, wasn't there?

In fact, the Sun had a piece, "What have the Greeks ever done for us?"

Their timeline goes like this..

It's not just Greece that's in trouble.

What was one Spanish mayor's idea for solving his town's

-financial crisis?

-Has he taken all the property back?

-No.

It's the Mayor of Cacabelos.

His brainwave was to bet their entire annual budget

on the Spanish National Lottery.

And guess what? Their numbers didn't come up.

They also have a scratchcard but unfortunately no-one has a coin.

I visited a Spanish town this summer, where the mayor of that town

has made it illegal to die.

How is he enforcing that rule?

I don't know, but it is a genuine law.

Is that what happened to Lulu?

"Is that what happened to Lulu?"!

She is the living dead, yeah.

Yes, it's the drama that's gripping Europe,

a combination of Greek tragedy, French farce and Italian rom com.

The Sun reminded its readers that Greece is the country that gave us...

..who ironically, is now richer than the country.

As Italy's economic crisis continues,

evidence has emerged that Silvio Berlusconi has made payments

of 2.7m euros to glamorous women, including...

Come on, Miss Greece, your country needs you!

Paul and Grace take a lock at this.

It looks like a royal crown there.

That is Prince Charles talking to somebody.

Oh, right, yes. OK, this is about the Royal Family.

I have determined that by the various examples that you've shown me there.

Ladies are allowed to become Queen now.

If the oldest born is a daughter she can become queen.

They're still restricting this to the Royal Family.

Difficult for outsiders to break in. It's the start of it.

In 100 years time, they'll be marrying robots and yoghurts and things like that.

It's not the whole of the aristocracy.

They haven't changed it for everyone. If you've been watching Downton Abbey,

if they brought this in for everyone they wouldn't be in that mess.

-Yeah, Lady Mary would inherit the abbey.

-Absolutely.

Thank goodness for that.

Something on ITV caught your interest, Mr Hislop?

I was watching it and it was full of this stuff about insurance companies.

But then there was some stuff about Downton Abbey in between,

which I quite enjoyed.

It's the news that the laws of succession are to be changed.

The Mirror has provided a handy guide to how the change affects the current line-up.

Prince Andrew's dropped from fourth to seventh, seen as good news by...

Well, just about everyone.

Nicholas Witchell has moved up a couple of places. Lovely to see.

-Who is currently number eight, but will drop to number 12?

-Prince Harry.

-No, Viscount Severn.

-Is he in The Matrix?

But there's six previously unsuccessful prototypes.

Anyone got any idea who he is?

He's a biscuit, isn't he?

GRACE: They're delicious.

He is little Jimmy Windsor. Full name...

James Alexander Philip Theo Mountbatten Windsor.

Prince Edward and Sophie's son.

I've never seen a photo of him ever before.

No, we stole that.

This is quite a big thing for women, I think.

You know who was our biggest supporter on this? Jeffrey Archer.

-Really?

-Feminist icon.

That's the F-word I don't associate with him.

I once flambeed a Jeffrey Archer novel.

-How did it taste?

-I didn't eat it.

I was just so disgusted to find it in my flat - someone had left it there -

I genuinely put it in a wok.

Sorry, back with you.

You approve of this, Grace? You sound quite genuine.

I think it's important for women.

I'm not without criticism of the Royal Family,

but I think it's ridiculous... It's from 1701, the law.

It's like the first born becoming king.

I love all your serious faces,

trying to look interested in some women's lib point.

It's a small step towards modernising the Royal Family. I think that's good.

They are still riding around in massive gold carriages, though.

They're as modern as my granddad's views on the Chinese.

I feel sorry for Kate. I don't know, I saw her this week

and I think she's looking thinner than I've ever seen her.

She was out doing a, you know that, grope and grin or whatever you do.

Scrounging for food round the back of the bins?

Afterwards, everybody criticised her for not being confident enough.

Or for being too thin.

Yeah, well... no.

I'm saying that from a caring point of view.

Yeah, right. That's what journalists always say.

"Oh, she's so thin, isn't she?"

I absolutely don't mean it like that.

Are we seeing the birth of a new mime artist?

Don't be horrible to me again.

You were horrible about me in Private Eye and I rang you up.

-Was I?

-Yeah, it's OK.

I rang you up and you just went, "Yeah, I know, sorry."

LAUGHTER

And I couldn't stay mad at you, cos you're adorable.

That hasn't worked for everyone you've upset, has it?

Well, not with Jeffrey, no!

-Oh dear, I feel guilty now.

-No, honestly...

-No, I don't really.

I haven't forgiven you, either.

According to The Sun, under the new arrangements, who would have been

on the British throne during WWI?

-The Kaiser!

-..is absolutely correct.

He wouldn't be on the throne during WWI, because he wouldn't be running Germany, he'd be running Britain...

-So there wouldn't have been a war.

-This is exactly what The Guardian said, yes.

The First and Second World Wars would never have happened,

and we'd be driving top-of-the-range Audis

and embracing low levels of personal debt.

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, who has Prince Charles discovered he's related to?

The Queen?

The answer is Vlad the Impaler.

Talking about his fascination with Romania,

Prince Charles told the Mail...

B'dum-tish!

They published a picture of Charles to accompany the article.

Here it is. Who tucks their tie into their trousers?

It's a man who works for him.

This is a change to the laws of succession.

The upside of the new rules is that Prince Andrew would go down

from fourth in line to seventh. On the other hand,

Zara Phillips would go up from 12th to sixth,

taking with her Prince Mike of Tindall, Duke of Dwarf-throwing.

According to The Guardian,

if the succession law had been in place in Tudor times...

..so on the downside for history fans, no crown for Henry VIII,

but on the bright side, no career for David Starkey.

-And here's one more.

-This is someone operating in black and white.

This must be the 75th anniversary of television,

and those days, a programme lasted about 20 seconds. She's gone.

-Is it 75 years of British television? BBC?

-Absolutely right.

The BBC started broadcasting from Alexandra Palace in 1936.

Shall we have a quick quiz on the early days of telly?

Yes, please! Fantastic! Great. Wonderful.

-What was the first programme broadcast?

-Was it Bruce Forsyth Presents...?

No, it was actually this...

-# A mighty maze of mystic... #

-She's miming.

# ..magic rays Is all about us in the blue. #

Any idea what the second programme broadcast was?

-BUZZER

-It was the BBC - it was a repeat.

Is the right answer. Let's see the second programme broadcast.

# A mighty maze of mystic... #

In 1947, what were Mary Kay and Johnny the first couple

to do on British TV?

-Cook.

-No.

-BUZZER

-Cook.

-No!

BUZZER Cook.

Is the right ans... No, it's not.

-Kiss.

-Kiss is close.

They moulded fascist leaders out of clay.

Did they have aggressive and relentless sex?

Is the right answer. Well, they slept in the same bed.

BBC TV has only been off air once since 1936, during WWII.

What was the last programme broadcast before hostilities began on 1st September, 1939?

-A Mickey Mouse cartoon.

-Is right!

-And when it came back in 1945,

-they started with the same cartoon.

-Is the right answer to the next one I haven't even asked.

-Sorry.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Very good! It's often said TV is not as good as it used to be,

and has been steadily dumbing down. Let's see if there's any evidence of this -

here's an extract from an edition of Ask The Family from 1981.

Admah, Zeboim and Zoar,

sometimes called Bela, together with two other cities

formed the Biblical "cities of the plain" - what were the other two?

-BUZZER

-Sodom and Gomorrah?

-Were the other two.

And here, by comparison, is a recent edition of The Weakest Link.

In travel, British traffic lights are green, amber and which other colour?

Green.

Talking of TV history, we lost a major broadcasting figure this week.

-Who?

-Sir Jimmy Savile.

-Anyone ever asked Jimmy to fix something?

-I asked him if I could be in an Adam Ant video.

-Did that work out for you?

-No, he never wrote back.

-You didn't write this week, did you?

My mum found me writing to him - I asked if I could drive a tank.

My mum said all small boys will ask Jimmy Savile if he could arrange

for them to ride in a tank, so do something more original.

So, I imagine somewhere at the BBC, my letter to Jimmy Savile,

asking him if he can fix it for me to go on a big set of steps in a library

probably still exists. He must have opened that and thought,

"This is the most tedious 12-year-old in the history of this programme. I wish I could find him and kill him."

-Did you specify which section?

-A big stepladder in the London Library,

and if you're watching, Mum, which I know you are, fuck you.

We seem to be back to a Greek theme.

Oedipus.

Please take that out of the edit, I really love my mum.

Well, clearly.

It's the degree of love that's the problem.

So to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-It's a cat called Beauty

who belongs to an MP's girlfriend.

The MP is called John Hemming and the MP's wife was found guilty

in court of sneaking into the girlfriend's house

-and stealing the cat.

-She didn't remember doing it, was her defence.

So they showed her this, to jog her memory.

There she is with no cat.

-There we go.

-Pretty elaborate case of sleepwalking, isn't it?

-Hasn't the cat been discovered somewhere?

-Absolutely right. The Telegraph reported on Monday...

But by Wednesday, it was...

MP John Hemming allegedly has had lots of affairs. Any idea how many his wife has said he's had?

-Do we base it on that photograph, how many he's had?

-Look at the state it's left his hair in!

It's been claimed he's had 26 affairs.

Does he have access to chloroform? How does he do it?!

He's a suave and sophisticated Member of Parliament.

-He belongs to one of the top parties...

-And he can entertain women with his little hair island.

Come with me, ladies, to my Hair Island!

You will swim amongst follicles, but you will enjoy yourselves.

This is the MP who resisted all the super-injunctions.

-Yes, he was the MP who...blew Ryan Giggs.

-Beg your pardon?

-Sorry.

-He was the MP who blew Ryan Giggs's cover.

-Very happy to reveal others' private lives, and his own.

-He is un-embarrassable.

-As is clear by his haircut.

Meanwhile we learned Nick Clegg likes to do something while having meetings. Anyone see this?

Insane daydreams of murdering the rest of the coalition.

According to the Mail on Sunday, he's started using a rowing machine during meetings.

-Cabinet meetings?!

-I think it's pronounced "ROW-ing machine".

How was busy old Nick Clegg described by the girls from hit show The Only Way Is Essex this week?

"'Oo's 'e? Never 'eard of 'im. You been sick in my pocket?!'

-Have you watched it?

-Never - but I've been to Essex.

I met Amy Childs, who used to be on The Only Way Is Essex, recently.

She's famous for the vajazzle. Do you know what one of those is, Ian?

Vajazzle? It's a film from the '60s, starring Peter Cook!

GREG: Yeah, that's it(!)

It's when you glue arts and crafts around your private parts as a treat for your partner.

-We've all done it.

-Sounds lovely.

Like a wickerwork steam engine?

One of the girls from the hit show described Nick Clegg as...

Did she think The Coalition" was a boy band?

She overlooked Vince Cable? Can't believe that.

-And John Hemming!

-With his Hair Island.

-Also this week,

Ed Miliband objects to having his nose described in a particular way.

Attached to a twit.

-He doesn't like that at all.

-The author of a parliamentary profile

described him as having a...

That's a bit unfair!

Yes, never mind the Euro, the big story in British politics involves a missing cat.

The cat, which may or may not belong to MP John Hemming, has spent

the last couple of months living in a house down the road. So it must be an MP's cat, it's got a second home.

Also, according to the Daily Mail, Nick Clegg is so busy,

he's taken to holding meetings while exercising on a rowing machine -

the perfect form of exercise for Nick Clegg - going nowhere, fast.

John Prescott has been accused of using a taxpayer-funded credit card

on a trip to Australia. According to the Mail,

Prescott spent £456 at a casino in Sydney, and...

Plus five quid for the chips.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Ian.

-It's a baby.

-Good.

-It's the seven billionth baby.

-In the world.

-It's the unseemly battle to be the seven billionth human being. Who won?

It was between Hugh Grant's new baby and Justin Bieber's.

I don't even know who he is.

Turns out it's quite tricky to say who the seven billionth person is,

but the UN and the papers' favourite was Danica Mae Camacho.

Danica's mum Camille said...

To be fair, Camille, she probably isn't.

UN big cheese Ban Ki-moon was quick to comment.

"UN big cheese"?! Give him the respect he deserves.

Apparently, his comments were...

"..but many congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter.

"Lots of love, Big Cheese Ban Ki."

Is it fair to say the UN have a bit of time on their hands?

The BBC graphics department went to town on this.

It took until 1804 for there to be one billion people on the planet.

By 1927, that figure had doubled.

In just over 30 years, it hit three billion,

then look how quickly it rose to four, five, six, and now seven...

Let's fast-forward, because this goes on for some time...

They clearly blew the entire annual graphics budget on that.

Because two days later, this is how the same facts were reported.

..the human population stayed stable.

Things like hunger, famine and drought kept it in check.

It's not until 1800 that we reach the first billion,

and from there, it's a dramatic, remarkable rise,

to today.

This is the news that the planet's seven billionth baby has just been born.

One of the babies claimed to be the seven billionth was little George Dolkas from Athens.

After the photo, he took one look at the Greek economy and crawled back inside.

Experts at National Geographic have worked out that all seven billion

could fit into Los Angeles City, if we all stood shoulder to shoulder.

If you want some idea what that's like, come to London during the 2012 Olympics.

The BBC has produced a handy website to work out what number you were

when you were born. All you have to do is enter your date of birth.

For instance, when I was born, I was baby number...

Whereas Bruce Forsyth, on the other hand, was baby number 23.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between the two teams this week.

Tim Henman,

the "Kismot Killer Curry",

Ken Livingstone, and Sooty.

-BUZZER

-Just to break the silence, I thought I'd press the buzzer.

Like everybody else here, I've no idea.

Is it...Sooty was always asking, "What did you say?"

Ken appears to be a bit deaf.

Tim's saying, "Did you say, 'Come on, Tim?'"

And that curry makes you deaf.

That's the worst answer this programme has ever had.

Ever. On anything. Any answer in the history of man.

Give him the points, for sheer inanity.

-Unfortunately, it's not true. Not the right answer.

-How can it not be true?

Sooty is always saying, "What did you say?"

Ken Livingstone is deaf. Tim can't hear people say, "Come on, Tim."

The curry's the odd one out, because it isn't a puppet,

wasn't mayor of London and has never played tennis at Wimbledon!

The more you say that, actually, the more convincing it sounds.

And what is your answer? "I don't know!"

It was still better than that one!

That's true. Can you give us a clue?

It's something to do with things going wrong in your body.

-What might a very, very hot curry do to you?

-Diarrhoea?

-Yes.

-Oh, how unpleasant.

Well, Sooty is clearly the odd one out then, isn't it?

If it isn't, I feel sorry for the person operating it!

I think, in the back of my mind, Sooty threw a pizza at somebody.

-He did.

-GRACE: Paul Daniels.

And it hurt his eye and he had to go to hospital.

-What type of pizza?

-Sharp pizza.

Pepperoni and razor-blade pizza.

Tim Henman is the odd one out.

Tim Henman IS the odd one out, but why?

Because I've said everybody else and that was wrong.

You got very close.

Someone went to hospital after a fracas at a party with Ken.

-He fell down some steps, didn't he?

-It's got to be food based, though.

Did he fall down steps and accidentally throw a pasty at someone?

It's not a someone, it's an animal.

Did he throw a bun at a lemur?

-That's not far off the answer.

-A doughnut at a swan?

It's good, because it can get it around its neck, like hoopla.

-You'd better tell us.

-I will.

You were right, Tim Henman is the odd one out.

They've all caused someone to be hospitalised,

apart from Tim Henman, who merely caused Jack Duckworth actor,

Bill Tarmey, to extend his stay in hospital.

Tim Henman's 2007 Wimbledon performance

caused Bill to have a heart attack.

Bill told the Daily Mirror...

According to Wikipedia...

So Tim very much the black sheep.

Two contestants in a curry-eating contest

at the Kismot curry house in Edinburgh were hospitalised

after suffering a violent reaction to the Kismot Killer curry.

According to the Daily Mail, they were left...

That's called a night out in Edinburgh.

One of the victims, curiously named, Curie Kim,

described the Kismot Killer curry experience...

That would make it worse, wouldn't it?

Being stabbed with a knife that had been dipped in barbecue sauce.

The worst thing for her was that she only came second. She said...

How did the Sun cover this story?

Curry On Vomiting?

-That's good.

-Vinda-loo-break?

Curry Woman Runs Outside and Vomits?

In brackets, She Has Massive Tits.

They went with the headline...

It was revealed this week that Ken Livingstone

contributed to the hospitalisation of Guy the gorilla

from London Zoo.

Was he feeding him illegal bananas or something?

Ken explains...

Why? Was he doing the operation?

I liked your initial suggestion that he was feeding him illegal bananas!

Ken Livingstone has got a massive stash of illegal bananas.

"Got to get rid of these somewhere..."

Apart from killing gorillas, what else has Ken Livingstone been in the news for recently?

A biography of him has come out. An autobiography.

He reveals in the book that he...

The one excuse Boris hasn't tried.

And according to The Sun, Paul Daniels was hospitalised

this summer after Sooty smashed him in the face with a pizza.

And who can blame him?

The incident led to a huge debate on Twitter, which,

according to the Mail, was fuelled by a fake Sooty account.

What? As opposed to the real Sooty account,

where Sooty lets his fans know what he really thinks?

Time now for the missing words round, which this week

features as its guest publication, Onion World.

We start with...

"If you let me give them a rinse through once," says Gazza.

The answer is...

One physicist said...

If you didn't understand that, don't worry,

it will be explained again in the repeat yesterday.

"I have found that with age, my testicles resemble onions."

-"I can't understand a word he says."

-Is the right answer!

In response, a furious Sean Connery phoned Roger Moore

and launched into a tirade of foul-mouthed abuse,

to which Roger Moore replied, "Thank you, but I don't want to change my gas supplier."

Shallots coming over here and stealing our jobs.

Transparency.

Transparency, yes. It's got to be transparency.

The answer is water availability.

According to Onion World...

Well said, Onion World.

It's high time those fish cut down on their extravagant water usage.

Bloody fish!

Swimming around like they own the place!

GRACE: Kill.

Convert you to Catholicism?

GREG: Store the corpse of Justin Bieber.

Be haunted? Halloween story. Could your fridge be haunted?

Does your ice-cube tray bear the spirit of Anne Boleyn?

In that tiny pot of yoghurt,

is that Isambard Kingdom Brunel... in strawberry form?

I think Grace might have had it earlier. What did you say, Grace?

-I said could your fridge kill?

-Is the right answer.

This is part of a full-page story in the Daily Mail,

which advises its readers to invest in a cheese box.

As investments go, it's got to be better than most pension funds.

GREG: Margaret Thatcher.

The answer, I'm surprised you didn't get this one,

is Dr Changying 'Charlie' Li.

Wine snob ghost returns spirits.

Wine snob....

-CHIMING

-There he is!

The mystery word! Who said the mystery word?

Wine snob ghost. Was that the mystery word?

Was that someone shooting at us?

Wine snob ghost haunts a Blue Nun.

The answer is...

The manager of the pub chain says many regulars have seen the figure of a man of about 60 behind the bar.

No-one has managed to make any contact with him,

but that's bar staff for you.

Next, what...

An onion! A Belgian onion! A Spanish onion! French onion! Onion expert!

It's a type of fruit.

Onion apple invented. Apple onion.

Virginity.

Tiny horse?

-It's a mini...

-Lemon!

-Apple.

Watermelon. A wini-matermelon.

Wini-matermelon?

She was married to Nelson Mandela for a while!

Wonderful woman.

The new variety of wini-mater...

Leave it as wini matermelon. It's good.

The new variety of mini-watermelon

was just one of the attractions of the onion convention, at which...

Scream if you want to go faster.

Next, Sir Larry gave Maggie what?

Throat sweet. He told her it was a throat sweet.

-Voice coaching.

-Oh yes, acting lessons.

Voice catching is the right answer, the voice that went down in history.

According to the Mail on Sunday...

Which she promptly used to announce a massive cut in arts funding.

I was actually taught by the same bloke, to speak.

His name was Robert Palmer. There is no joke here. At RADA.

-Was he good?

-Yes.

Did he do mellow, mellifluous?

He had a voice like chocolate, I would say. A very silky voice.

The same man who did Addicted To Love?

-He's a very busy man.

-How was your voice before?

(HIGH VOICE) I talked like that.

Told to get at the end of the cue.

APPLAUSE

Told he needs a break.

He's going to do them all!

Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.

Should screw back for the brown.

Has learned his lesson?

Will not sit by a snooker table, yawning.

The answer is...

"I'm going to win that contest if it's the last thing I...

"Photograph me now! Go on!

Yes, one bulldog swallowed his owner's false teeth.

According to the Daily Mail...

As much as any man can smile whose teeth had passed through a dog's digestive system.

So the final scores are,

Ian and Greg have eight points,

but this week's winners are Paul and Grace, with 10.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Paul and Grace get this.

Bike discovers man growing out of its saddle.

"I've been peddling for hours but nothing is happening."

GREG: Lionel Richie tries riding bike on the ceiling.

-Very good.

-LAUGHTER

Do they teach you insincerity at Rada as well?

-Very good.

-LAUGHTER

Ian and Greg have that.

GREG: Goats hear rumours of land mine.

Goats aim to get their own insurance following meerkat example.

He's going to say very good in a minute!

No, I'm not.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Greg Davis, Paul Merton and Grace Dent.

And I leave you with news that at a G8 conference in Rome,

Angela Merkel regrets answering a live video link message

from Silvio Berlusconi's hotel room.

In London, after a swimming pool is contaminated,

the culprit finally owns up.

And at a Royal Garden Party, following several cucumber sandwiches,

a new record is set for the world's longest burp.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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