Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 4

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Stephen Mangan and guest panellists Greg Davies and Grace Dent.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Stephen Mangan.

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In the news this week... The British Davis Cup tennis team

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hear the announcement that, from now on, serving double faults will not be penalised.

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In a conference centre in Athens, on hearing a third recipe for stuffed vine leaves,

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one man begins to realise he's sitting in the wrong meeting.

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And at a Lib Dem conference,

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delegates are invited to vote in favour of the motion that

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Nick Clegg doesn't have the faintest idea what he's doing.

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With Ian is a comedian and actor

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who believes we all have our own inner idiot inside us.

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In his case, he's got room for two or three.

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Please welcome Greg Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is a journalist who, as a child,

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dreamed of marriage to John Taylor from Duran Duran.

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And for younger viewers, I should explain, marriage is something

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couples used to do when they planned to stay together for more than a year or two.

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Please welcome Grace Dent.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the biggest stories of the week. Ian and Greg, take a look at this.

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That's Greece. Or it was. It may be part of Germany by now.

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Papandreou - he is announcing something new.

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She's saying, "No way." Flat.

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"Chuck it out." This is the latest bail out of a bail out.

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By the time we go out, something else might have happened.

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Can I just say, early doors,

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I'm unlikely to make any insightful satirical remarks during this show.

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If someone on the camera, when Ian makes one, could come to me

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and I'll smile appreciatively...

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No pressure, then.

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I am aware of the Greek crisis.

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-Oh, good.

-Over to you.

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I was going to ask you what you thought about having a referendum.

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Well, I think having a referendum is probably not a good thing.

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-My understanding is that... Papandreou?

-Very good, yes.

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My understanding is it's all his fault anyway.

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Well, I'm glad no-one's asked you then.

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Apparently, about six months ago, he borrowed a tenner off wonga.com.

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Now they owe £83 billion.

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There was meant to be a deal done

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and then Papandreou said I'm going to ask the Greek people what they think,

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which is pretty ludicrous.

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Asking the public what they think about their own future -

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it wouldn't happen in this country.

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There was going to be a referendum.

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The Germans and French said, "We're paying. So it better be a yes."

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It suggests they haven't got the hang of this democracy thing.

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So they said, literally, the referendum has to say,

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"Would you like to leave the euro - no or no?"

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Europe are now counting on China helping us out.

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Basically, the Chinese Finance Minister,

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turned up at the G20 and everyone is suddenly being nice to him.

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They're like, "Have you lost weight?"

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Apparently, Berlusconi has offended the Chinese President, President Hu, I believe,

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by doing an incredibly ill-judged knock-knock joke.

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They keep saying that Berlusconi should move out of the spotlight,

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because he's done so many bad things,

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but as a woman, I'd prefer him in the spotlight, so I can see where his hands are.

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I think he should move out of the spotlight, because he's clearly melting, isn't he?

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He looks like a Ken doll that's been sitting by a fan heater.

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And Papandreou, I feel so sorry for him. There's a vote of no confidence in him. That's right, isn't there?

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Since that, he's facing all the blame for this

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and Berlusconi is still in power - how?

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A man with the morals of a horny Jack Russell.

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I think that's quite unfair to Jack Russells.

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Angela Merkel hates him,

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because he called her "an unfuckable lard bucket".

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Who does your translations for you?

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Everyone's got to have a nickname, I suppose.

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I always think Angela Merkel sounds like a specialist fishing bait.

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-Yah.

-Have you got it, Ian?

-Yeah, no, terrific.

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Camera.

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How have the Greeks reacted to the uncertainty?

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One government official told the Mail...

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That was the Finance Minister, Petros Cackytrousers.

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How did a government insider defend the shock announcement?

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He doesn't know what he's doing.

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Yeah, pretty much. He said...

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-That's quite good.

-Yeah.

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Someone in the press said he was dancing on a volcano, Papandreou.

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So he'd make an ideal partner for Nancy Dell'Olio.

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I thought it was dangerous enough when Lionel Richie was dancing on the ceiling.

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That was a health and safety nightmare, wasn't it?

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Do you know why Greece got itself into trouble, according to the Daily Mail?

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Goodness me, where do we start?

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-Tax is seen as a, sort of, voluntary system there.

-50 quid seems reasonable.

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They've got some stuff to sell, haven't they, Greece?

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Their version of Antiques Roadshow would be amazing.

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Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented, according to The Sun?

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-Yes.

-Thank you, Paul.

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-Feta cheese.

-No.

-Democracy.

-Democracy is one of them, yes.

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-The Olympics.

-Yes.

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-Nana Mouskouri.

-Yes, but they didn't put that in.

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-Drama?

-Theatre is one of them.

-Satire.

-No.

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I'll put you out of your misery. The seven things are mazes,

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the Olympics, democracy,

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theatre, geometry, lesbians...

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LAUGHTER

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-..and N-Dubz.

-N-Dubz?!

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There was quite a drop off after they created democracy, wasn't there?

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In fact, the Sun had a piece, "What have the Greeks ever done for us?"

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Their timeline goes like this..

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It's not just Greece that's in trouble.

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What was one Spanish mayor's idea for solving his town's

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-financial crisis?

-Has he taken all the property back?

-No.

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It's the Mayor of Cacabelos.

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His brainwave was to bet their entire annual budget

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on the Spanish National Lottery.

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And guess what? Their numbers didn't come up.

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They also have a scratchcard but unfortunately no-one has a coin.

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I visited a Spanish town this summer, where the mayor of that town

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has made it illegal to die.

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How is he enforcing that rule?

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I don't know, but it is a genuine law.

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Is that what happened to Lulu?

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"Is that what happened to Lulu?"!

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She is the living dead, yeah.

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Yes, it's the drama that's gripping Europe,

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a combination of Greek tragedy, French farce and Italian rom com.

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The Sun reminded its readers that Greece is the country that gave us...

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..who ironically, is now richer than the country.

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As Italy's economic crisis continues,

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evidence has emerged that Silvio Berlusconi has made payments

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of 2.7m euros to glamorous women, including...

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Come on, Miss Greece, your country needs you!

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Paul and Grace take a lock at this.

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It looks like a royal crown there.

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That is Prince Charles talking to somebody.

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Oh, right, yes. OK, this is about the Royal Family.

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I have determined that by the various examples that you've shown me there.

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Ladies are allowed to become Queen now.

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If the oldest born is a daughter she can become queen.

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They're still restricting this to the Royal Family.

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Difficult for outsiders to break in. It's the start of it.

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In 100 years time, they'll be marrying robots and yoghurts and things like that.

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It's not the whole of the aristocracy.

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They haven't changed it for everyone. If you've been watching Downton Abbey,

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if they brought this in for everyone they wouldn't be in that mess.

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-Yeah, Lady Mary would inherit the abbey.

-Absolutely.

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Thank goodness for that.

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Something on ITV caught your interest, Mr Hislop?

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I was watching it and it was full of this stuff about insurance companies.

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But then there was some stuff about Downton Abbey in between,

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which I quite enjoyed.

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It's the news that the laws of succession are to be changed.

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The Mirror has provided a handy guide to how the change affects the current line-up.

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Prince Andrew's dropped from fourth to seventh, seen as good news by...

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Well, just about everyone.

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Nicholas Witchell has moved up a couple of places. Lovely to see.

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-Who is currently number eight, but will drop to number 12?

-Prince Harry.

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-No, Viscount Severn.

-Is he in The Matrix?

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But there's six previously unsuccessful prototypes.

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Anyone got any idea who he is?

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He's a biscuit, isn't he?

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GRACE: They're delicious.

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He is little Jimmy Windsor. Full name...

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James Alexander Philip Theo Mountbatten Windsor.

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Prince Edward and Sophie's son.

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I've never seen a photo of him ever before.

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No, we stole that.

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This is quite a big thing for women, I think.

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You know who was our biggest supporter on this? Jeffrey Archer.

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-Really?

-Feminist icon.

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That's the F-word I don't associate with him.

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I once flambeed a Jeffrey Archer novel.

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-How did it taste?

-I didn't eat it.

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I was just so disgusted to find it in my flat - someone had left it there -

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I genuinely put it in a wok.

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Sorry, back with you.

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You approve of this, Grace? You sound quite genuine.

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I think it's important for women.

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I'm not without criticism of the Royal Family,

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but I think it's ridiculous... It's from 1701, the law.

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It's like the first born becoming king.

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I love all your serious faces,

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trying to look interested in some women's lib point.

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It's a small step towards modernising the Royal Family. I think that's good.

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They are still riding around in massive gold carriages, though.

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They're as modern as my granddad's views on the Chinese.

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I feel sorry for Kate. I don't know, I saw her this week

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and I think she's looking thinner than I've ever seen her.

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She was out doing a, you know that, grope and grin or whatever you do.

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Scrounging for food round the back of the bins?

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Afterwards, everybody criticised her for not being confident enough.

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Or for being too thin.

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Yeah, well... no.

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I'm saying that from a caring point of view.

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Yeah, right. That's what journalists always say.

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"Oh, she's so thin, isn't she?"

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I absolutely don't mean it like that.

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Are we seeing the birth of a new mime artist?

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Don't be horrible to me again.

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You were horrible about me in Private Eye and I rang you up.

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-Was I?

-Yeah, it's OK.

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I rang you up and you just went, "Yeah, I know, sorry."

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LAUGHTER

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And I couldn't stay mad at you, cos you're adorable.

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That hasn't worked for everyone you've upset, has it?

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Well, not with Jeffrey, no!

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-Oh dear, I feel guilty now.

-No, honestly...

-No, I don't really.

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I haven't forgiven you, either.

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According to The Sun, under the new arrangements, who would have been

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on the British throne during WWI?

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-The Kaiser!

-..is absolutely correct.

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He wouldn't be on the throne during WWI, because he wouldn't be running Germany, he'd be running Britain...

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-So there wouldn't have been a war.

-This is exactly what The Guardian said, yes.

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The First and Second World Wars would never have happened,

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and we'd be driving top-of-the-range Audis

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and embracing low levels of personal debt.

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APPLAUSE

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Meanwhile, who has Prince Charles discovered he's related to?

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The Queen?

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The answer is Vlad the Impaler.

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Talking about his fascination with Romania,

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Prince Charles told the Mail...

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B'dum-tish!

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They published a picture of Charles to accompany the article.

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Here it is. Who tucks their tie into their trousers?

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It's a man who works for him.

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This is a change to the laws of succession.

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The upside of the new rules is that Prince Andrew would go down

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from fourth in line to seventh. On the other hand,

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Zara Phillips would go up from 12th to sixth,

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taking with her Prince Mike of Tindall, Duke of Dwarf-throwing.

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According to The Guardian,

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if the succession law had been in place in Tudor times...

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..so on the downside for history fans, no crown for Henry VIII,

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but on the bright side, no career for David Starkey.

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-And here's one more.

-This is someone operating in black and white.

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This must be the 75th anniversary of television,

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and those days, a programme lasted about 20 seconds. She's gone.

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-Is it 75 years of British television? BBC?

-Absolutely right.

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The BBC started broadcasting from Alexandra Palace in 1936.

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Shall we have a quick quiz on the early days of telly?

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Yes, please! Fantastic! Great. Wonderful.

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-What was the first programme broadcast?

-Was it Bruce Forsyth Presents...?

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No, it was actually this...

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-# A mighty maze of mystic... #

-She's miming.

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# ..magic rays Is all about us in the blue. #

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Any idea what the second programme broadcast was?

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-BUZZER

-It was the BBC - it was a repeat.

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Is the right answer. Let's see the second programme broadcast.

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# A mighty maze of mystic... #

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In 1947, what were Mary Kay and Johnny the first couple

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to do on British TV?

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-Cook.

-No.

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-BUZZER

-Cook.

-No!

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BUZZER Cook.

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Is the right ans... No, it's not.

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-Kiss.

-Kiss is close.

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They moulded fascist leaders out of clay.

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Did they have aggressive and relentless sex?

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Is the right answer. Well, they slept in the same bed.

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BBC TV has only been off air once since 1936, during WWII.

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What was the last programme broadcast before hostilities began on 1st September, 1939?

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-A Mickey Mouse cartoon.

-Is right!

-And when it came back in 1945,

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-they started with the same cartoon.

-Is the right answer to the next one I haven't even asked.

-Sorry.

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LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

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Very good! It's often said TV is not as good as it used to be,

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and has been steadily dumbing down. Let's see if there's any evidence of this -

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here's an extract from an edition of Ask The Family from 1981.

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Admah, Zeboim and Zoar,

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sometimes called Bela, together with two other cities

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formed the Biblical "cities of the plain" - what were the other two?

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-BUZZER

-Sodom and Gomorrah?

-Were the other two.

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And here, by comparison, is a recent edition of The Weakest Link.

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In travel, British traffic lights are green, amber and which other colour?

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Green.

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Talking of TV history, we lost a major broadcasting figure this week.

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-Who?

-Sir Jimmy Savile.

-Anyone ever asked Jimmy to fix something?

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-I asked him if I could be in an Adam Ant video.

-Did that work out for you?

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-No, he never wrote back.

-You didn't write this week, did you?

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My mum found me writing to him - I asked if I could drive a tank.

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My mum said all small boys will ask Jimmy Savile if he could arrange

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for them to ride in a tank, so do something more original.

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So, I imagine somewhere at the BBC, my letter to Jimmy Savile,

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asking him if he can fix it for me to go on a big set of steps in a library

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probably still exists. He must have opened that and thought,

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"This is the most tedious 12-year-old in the history of this programme. I wish I could find him and kill him."

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-Did you specify which section?

-A big stepladder in the London Library,

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and if you're watching, Mum, which I know you are, fuck you.

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We seem to be back to a Greek theme.

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Oedipus.

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Please take that out of the edit, I really love my mum.

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Well, clearly.

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It's the degree of love that's the problem.

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So to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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-BUZZER

-It's a cat called Beauty

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who belongs to an MP's girlfriend.

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The MP is called John Hemming and the MP's wife was found guilty

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in court of sneaking into the girlfriend's house

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-and stealing the cat.

-She didn't remember doing it, was her defence.

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So they showed her this, to jog her memory.

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There she is with no cat.

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-There we go.

-Pretty elaborate case of sleepwalking, isn't it?

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-Hasn't the cat been discovered somewhere?

-Absolutely right. The Telegraph reported on Monday...

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But by Wednesday, it was...

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MP John Hemming allegedly has had lots of affairs. Any idea how many his wife has said he's had?

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-Do we base it on that photograph, how many he's had?

-Look at the state it's left his hair in!

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It's been claimed he's had 26 affairs.

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Does he have access to chloroform? How does he do it?!

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He's a suave and sophisticated Member of Parliament.

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-He belongs to one of the top parties...

-And he can entertain women with his little hair island.

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Come with me, ladies, to my Hair Island!

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You will swim amongst follicles, but you will enjoy yourselves.

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This is the MP who resisted all the super-injunctions.

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-Yes, he was the MP who...blew Ryan Giggs.

-Beg your pardon?

-Sorry.

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-He was the MP who blew Ryan Giggs's cover.

-Very happy to reveal others' private lives, and his own.

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-He is un-embarrassable.

-As is clear by his haircut.

0:21:410:21:44

Meanwhile we learned Nick Clegg likes to do something while having meetings. Anyone see this?

0:21:460:21:51

Insane daydreams of murdering the rest of the coalition.

0:21:510:21:55

According to the Mail on Sunday, he's started using a rowing machine during meetings.

0:21:550:22:00

-Cabinet meetings?!

-I think it's pronounced "ROW-ing machine".

0:22:000:22:04

How was busy old Nick Clegg described by the girls from hit show The Only Way Is Essex this week?

0:22:050:22:11

"'Oo's 'e? Never 'eard of 'im. You been sick in my pocket?!'

0:22:110:22:15

-Have you watched it?

-Never - but I've been to Essex.

0:22:160:22:19

I met Amy Childs, who used to be on The Only Way Is Essex, recently.

0:22:200:22:24

She's famous for the vajazzle. Do you know what one of those is, Ian?

0:22:240:22:27

Vajazzle? It's a film from the '60s, starring Peter Cook!

0:22:270:22:31

GREG: Yeah, that's it(!)

0:22:310:22:33

It's when you glue arts and crafts around your private parts as a treat for your partner.

0:22:330:22:38

-We've all done it.

-Sounds lovely.

0:22:380:22:41

Like a wickerwork steam engine?

0:22:410:22:43

One of the girls from the hit show described Nick Clegg as...

0:22:470:22:52

Did she think The Coalition" was a boy band?

0:22:540:22:58

She overlooked Vince Cable? Can't believe that.

0:22:590:23:02

-And John Hemming!

-With his Hair Island.

-Also this week,

0:23:020:23:05

Ed Miliband objects to having his nose described in a particular way.

0:23:050:23:10

Attached to a twit.

0:23:100:23:12

-He doesn't like that at all.

-The author of a parliamentary profile

0:23:130:23:19

described him as having a...

0:23:190:23:21

That's a bit unfair!

0:23:220:23:25

Yes, never mind the Euro, the big story in British politics involves a missing cat.

0:23:260:23:30

The cat, which may or may not belong to MP John Hemming, has spent

0:23:300:23:34

the last couple of months living in a house down the road. So it must be an MP's cat, it's got a second home.

0:23:340:23:39

Also, according to the Daily Mail, Nick Clegg is so busy,

0:23:410:23:44

he's taken to holding meetings while exercising on a rowing machine -

0:23:440:23:47

the perfect form of exercise for Nick Clegg - going nowhere, fast.

0:23:470:23:52

John Prescott has been accused of using a taxpayer-funded credit card

0:23:520:23:56

on a trip to Australia. According to the Mail,

0:23:560:23:59

Prescott spent £456 at a casino in Sydney, and...

0:23:590:24:03

Plus five quid for the chips.

0:24:050:24:07

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:090:24:11

-BUZZER

-Ian.

-It's a baby.

0:24:130:24:15

-Good.

-It's the seven billionth baby.

0:24:170:24:21

-In the world.

-It's the unseemly battle to be the seven billionth human being. Who won?

0:24:210:24:27

It was between Hugh Grant's new baby and Justin Bieber's.

0:24:270:24:31

I don't even know who he is.

0:24:320:24:34

Turns out it's quite tricky to say who the seven billionth person is,

0:24:350:24:38

but the UN and the papers' favourite was Danica Mae Camacho.

0:24:380:24:42

Danica's mum Camille said...

0:24:420:24:45

To be fair, Camille, she probably isn't.

0:24:500:24:53

UN big cheese Ban Ki-moon was quick to comment.

0:24:530:24:57

"UN big cheese"?! Give him the respect he deserves.

0:24:570:25:01

Apparently, his comments were...

0:25:010:25:04

"..but many congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter.

0:25:180:25:22

"Lots of love, Big Cheese Ban Ki."

0:25:220:25:26

Is it fair to say the UN have a bit of time on their hands?

0:25:270:25:31

The BBC graphics department went to town on this.

0:25:320:25:34

It took until 1804 for there to be one billion people on the planet.

0:25:340:25:40

By 1927, that figure had doubled.

0:25:430:25:46

In just over 30 years, it hit three billion,

0:25:460:25:50

then look how quickly it rose to four, five, six, and now seven...

0:25:500:25:54

Let's fast-forward, because this goes on for some time...

0:25:540:25:57

They clearly blew the entire annual graphics budget on that.

0:26:130:26:17

Because two days later, this is how the same facts were reported.

0:26:180:26:21

..the human population stayed stable.

0:26:230:26:26

Things like hunger, famine and drought kept it in check.

0:26:260:26:30

It's not until 1800 that we reach the first billion,

0:26:320:26:35

and from there, it's a dramatic, remarkable rise,

0:26:350:26:40

to today.

0:26:400:26:42

This is the news that the planet's seven billionth baby has just been born.

0:26:420:26:46

One of the babies claimed to be the seven billionth was little George Dolkas from Athens.

0:26:460:26:51

After the photo, he took one look at the Greek economy and crawled back inside.

0:26:510:26:55

Experts at National Geographic have worked out that all seven billion

0:26:550:27:01

could fit into Los Angeles City, if we all stood shoulder to shoulder.

0:27:010:27:04

If you want some idea what that's like, come to London during the 2012 Olympics.

0:27:040:27:10

The BBC has produced a handy website to work out what number you were

0:27:100:27:14

when you were born. All you have to do is enter your date of birth.

0:27:140:27:18

For instance, when I was born, I was baby number...

0:27:180:27:21

Whereas Bruce Forsyth, on the other hand, was baby number 23.

0:27:240:27:29

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between the two teams this week.

0:27:310:27:35

Tim Henman,

0:27:350:27:37

the "Kismot Killer Curry",

0:27:370:27:39

Ken Livingstone, and Sooty.

0:27:390:27:42

-BUZZER

-Just to break the silence, I thought I'd press the buzzer.

0:27:440:27:47

Like everybody else here, I've no idea.

0:27:470:27:49

Is it...Sooty was always asking, "What did you say?"

0:27:490:27:52

Ken appears to be a bit deaf.

0:27:520:27:54

Tim's saying, "Did you say, 'Come on, Tim?'"

0:27:540:27:59

And that curry makes you deaf.

0:27:590:28:01

That's the worst answer this programme has ever had.

0:28:010:28:05

Ever. On anything. Any answer in the history of man.

0:28:070:28:10

Give him the points, for sheer inanity.

0:28:100:28:13

-Unfortunately, it's not true. Not the right answer.

-How can it not be true?

0:28:130:28:18

Sooty is always saying, "What did you say?"

0:28:180:28:21

Ken Livingstone is deaf. Tim can't hear people say, "Come on, Tim."

0:28:210:28:26

The curry's the odd one out, because it isn't a puppet,

0:28:260:28:29

wasn't mayor of London and has never played tennis at Wimbledon!

0:28:290:28:32

The more you say that, actually, the more convincing it sounds.

0:28:320:28:35

And what is your answer? "I don't know!"

0:28:350:28:37

It was still better than that one!

0:28:370:28:40

That's true. Can you give us a clue?

0:28:400:28:42

It's something to do with things going wrong in your body.

0:28:420:28:47

-What might a very, very hot curry do to you?

-Diarrhoea?

0:28:470:28:50

-Yes.

-Oh, how unpleasant.

0:28:500:28:53

Well, Sooty is clearly the odd one out then, isn't it?

0:28:530:28:56

If it isn't, I feel sorry for the person operating it!

0:28:560:29:00

I think, in the back of my mind, Sooty threw a pizza at somebody.

0:29:010:29:04

-He did.

-GRACE: Paul Daniels.

0:29:040:29:06

And it hurt his eye and he had to go to hospital.

0:29:060:29:09

-What type of pizza?

-Sharp pizza.

0:29:090:29:12

Pepperoni and razor-blade pizza.

0:29:120:29:15

Tim Henman is the odd one out.

0:29:160:29:18

Tim Henman IS the odd one out, but why?

0:29:180:29:21

Because I've said everybody else and that was wrong.

0:29:210:29:24

You got very close.

0:29:240:29:26

Someone went to hospital after a fracas at a party with Ken.

0:29:260:29:29

-He fell down some steps, didn't he?

-It's got to be food based, though.

0:29:290:29:32

Did he fall down steps and accidentally throw a pasty at someone?

0:29:320:29:36

It's not a someone, it's an animal.

0:29:360:29:38

Did he throw a bun at a lemur?

0:29:380:29:41

-That's not far off the answer.

-A doughnut at a swan?

0:29:440:29:47

It's good, because it can get it around its neck, like hoopla.

0:29:510:29:55

-You'd better tell us.

-I will.

0:29:570:29:59

You were right, Tim Henman is the odd one out.

0:29:590:30:01

They've all caused someone to be hospitalised,

0:30:010:30:03

apart from Tim Henman, who merely caused Jack Duckworth actor,

0:30:030:30:07

Bill Tarmey, to extend his stay in hospital.

0:30:070:30:11

Tim Henman's 2007 Wimbledon performance

0:30:110:30:14

caused Bill to have a heart attack.

0:30:140:30:17

Bill told the Daily Mirror...

0:30:170:30:19

According to Wikipedia...

0:30:300:30:32

So Tim very much the black sheep.

0:30:350:30:38

Two contestants in a curry-eating contest

0:30:380:30:42

at the Kismot curry house in Edinburgh were hospitalised

0:30:420:30:45

after suffering a violent reaction to the Kismot Killer curry.

0:30:450:30:49

According to the Daily Mail, they were left...

0:30:490:30:52

That's called a night out in Edinburgh.

0:30:540:30:56

One of the victims, curiously named, Curie Kim,

0:30:580:31:02

described the Kismot Killer curry experience...

0:31:020:31:04

That would make it worse, wouldn't it?

0:31:120:31:15

Being stabbed with a knife that had been dipped in barbecue sauce.

0:31:160:31:20

The worst thing for her was that she only came second. She said...

0:31:200:31:24

How did the Sun cover this story?

0:31:310:31:33

Curry On Vomiting?

0:31:330:31:36

-That's good.

-Vinda-loo-break?

0:31:360:31:39

Curry Woman Runs Outside and Vomits?

0:31:410:31:44

In brackets, She Has Massive Tits.

0:31:440:31:46

They went with the headline...

0:31:480:31:50

It was revealed this week that Ken Livingstone

0:31:550:31:58

contributed to the hospitalisation of Guy the gorilla

0:31:580:32:02

from London Zoo.

0:32:020:32:03

Was he feeding him illegal bananas or something?

0:32:030:32:06

Ken explains...

0:32:060:32:07

Why? Was he doing the operation?

0:32:190:32:21

I liked your initial suggestion that he was feeding him illegal bananas!

0:32:220:32:27

Ken Livingstone has got a massive stash of illegal bananas.

0:32:270:32:31

"Got to get rid of these somewhere..."

0:32:310:32:34

Apart from killing gorillas, what else has Ken Livingstone been in the news for recently?

0:32:340:32:38

A biography of him has come out. An autobiography.

0:32:380:32:40

He reveals in the book that he...

0:32:400:32:42

The one excuse Boris hasn't tried.

0:32:460:32:49

And according to The Sun, Paul Daniels was hospitalised

0:32:510:32:54

this summer after Sooty smashed him in the face with a pizza.

0:32:540:32:58

And who can blame him?

0:32:580:32:59

The incident led to a huge debate on Twitter, which,

0:33:020:33:05

according to the Mail, was fuelled by a fake Sooty account.

0:33:050:33:09

What? As opposed to the real Sooty account,

0:33:090:33:13

where Sooty lets his fans know what he really thinks?

0:33:130:33:16

Time now for the missing words round, which this week

0:33:160:33:19

features as its guest publication, Onion World.

0:33:190:33:22

We start with...

0:33:220:33:24

"If you let me give them a rinse through once," says Gazza.

0:33:270:33:31

The answer is...

0:33:340:33:36

One physicist said...

0:33:400:33:42

If you didn't understand that, don't worry,

0:33:500:33:52

it will be explained again in the repeat yesterday.

0:33:520:33:55

"I have found that with age, my testicles resemble onions."

0:34:020:34:06

-"I can't understand a word he says."

-Is the right answer!

0:34:070:34:10

In response, a furious Sean Connery phoned Roger Moore

0:34:130:34:17

and launched into a tirade of foul-mouthed abuse,

0:34:170:34:19

to which Roger Moore replied, "Thank you, but I don't want to change my gas supplier."

0:34:190:34:25

Shallots coming over here and stealing our jobs.

0:34:300:34:33

Transparency.

0:34:340:34:36

Transparency, yes. It's got to be transparency.

0:34:360:34:39

The answer is water availability.

0:34:400:34:44

According to Onion World...

0:34:440:34:46

Well said, Onion World.

0:34:530:34:55

It's high time those fish cut down on their extravagant water usage.

0:34:550:34:59

Bloody fish!

0:34:590:35:01

Swimming around like they own the place!

0:35:010:35:03

GRACE: Kill.

0:35:060:35:09

Convert you to Catholicism?

0:35:090:35:11

GREG: Store the corpse of Justin Bieber.

0:35:120:35:14

Be haunted? Halloween story. Could your fridge be haunted?

0:35:170:35:20

Does your ice-cube tray bear the spirit of Anne Boleyn?

0:35:200:35:24

In that tiny pot of yoghurt,

0:35:240:35:27

is that Isambard Kingdom Brunel... in strawberry form?

0:35:270:35:32

I think Grace might have had it earlier. What did you say, Grace?

0:35:320:35:35

-I said could your fridge kill?

-Is the right answer.

0:35:350:35:38

This is part of a full-page story in the Daily Mail,

0:35:380:35:41

which advises its readers to invest in a cheese box.

0:35:410:35:44

As investments go, it's got to be better than most pension funds.

0:35:440:35:49

GREG: Margaret Thatcher.

0:35:530:35:55

The answer, I'm surprised you didn't get this one,

0:35:590:36:02

is Dr Changying 'Charlie' Li.

0:36:020:36:04

Wine snob ghost returns spirits.

0:36:080:36:11

Wine snob....

0:36:120:36:14

-CHIMING

-There he is!

0:36:150:36:17

The mystery word! Who said the mystery word?

0:36:170:36:20

Wine snob ghost. Was that the mystery word?

0:36:200:36:22

Was that someone shooting at us?

0:36:220:36:25

Wine snob ghost haunts a Blue Nun.

0:36:250:36:28

The answer is...

0:36:290:36:31

The manager of the pub chain says many regulars have seen the figure of a man of about 60 behind the bar.

0:36:350:36:42

No-one has managed to make any contact with him,

0:36:420:36:44

but that's bar staff for you.

0:36:440:36:45

Next, what...

0:36:450:36:47

An onion! A Belgian onion! A Spanish onion! French onion! Onion expert!

0:36:510:36:56

It's a type of fruit.

0:36:560:36:58

Onion apple invented. Apple onion.

0:36:580:37:00

Virginity.

0:37:000:37:02

Tiny horse?

0:37:040:37:06

-It's a mini...

-Lemon!

-Apple.

0:37:080:37:10

Watermelon. A wini-matermelon.

0:37:100:37:12

Wini-matermelon?

0:37:120:37:14

She was married to Nelson Mandela for a while!

0:37:140:37:16

Wonderful woman.

0:37:160:37:18

The new variety of wini-mater...

0:37:180:37:21

Leave it as wini matermelon. It's good.

0:37:220:37:25

The new variety of mini-watermelon

0:37:250:37:27

was just one of the attractions of the onion convention, at which...

0:37:270:37:31

Scream if you want to go faster.

0:37:400:37:42

Next, Sir Larry gave Maggie what?

0:37:440:37:47

Throat sweet. He told her it was a throat sweet.

0:37:470:37:50

-Voice coaching.

-Oh yes, acting lessons.

0:37:510:37:54

Voice catching is the right answer, the voice that went down in history.

0:37:540:37:58

According to the Mail on Sunday...

0:37:580:38:01

Which she promptly used to announce a massive cut in arts funding.

0:38:090:38:12

I was actually taught by the same bloke, to speak.

0:38:130:38:17

His name was Robert Palmer. There is no joke here. At RADA.

0:38:170:38:21

-Was he good?

-Yes.

0:38:210:38:23

Did he do mellow, mellifluous?

0:38:230:38:25

He had a voice like chocolate, I would say. A very silky voice.

0:38:250:38:29

The same man who did Addicted To Love?

0:38:290:38:31

-He's a very busy man.

-How was your voice before?

0:38:330:38:36

(HIGH VOICE) I talked like that.

0:38:360:38:38

Told to get at the end of the cue.

0:38:420:38:45

APPLAUSE

0:38:450:38:47

Told he needs a break.

0:38:480:38:50

He's going to do them all!

0:38:520:38:54

Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.

0:38:540:38:56

Should screw back for the brown.

0:38:560:38:58

Has learned his lesson?

0:39:000:39:02

Will not sit by a snooker table, yawning.

0:39:030:39:07

The answer is...

0:39:070:39:09

"I'm going to win that contest if it's the last thing I...

0:39:120:39:16

"Photograph me now! Go on!

0:39:160:39:18

Yes, one bulldog swallowed his owner's false teeth.

0:39:200:39:23

According to the Daily Mail...

0:39:230:39:25

As much as any man can smile whose teeth had passed through a dog's digestive system.

0:39:320:39:36

So the final scores are,

0:39:360:39:39

Ian and Greg have eight points,

0:39:390:39:41

but this week's winners are Paul and Grace, with 10.

0:39:410:39:44

APPLAUSE

0:39:440:39:46

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:39:520:39:56

Paul and Grace get this.

0:39:560:39:58

Bike discovers man growing out of its saddle.

0:40:000:40:03

"I've been peddling for hours but nothing is happening."

0:40:030:40:07

GREG: Lionel Richie tries riding bike on the ceiling.

0:40:070:40:10

-Very good.

-LAUGHTER

0:40:130:40:17

Do they teach you insincerity at Rada as well?

0:40:170:40:20

-Very good.

-LAUGHTER

0:40:230:40:25

Ian and Greg have that.

0:40:270:40:29

GREG: Goats hear rumours of land mine.

0:40:290:40:32

Goats aim to get their own insurance following meerkat example.

0:40:360:40:40

He's going to say very good in a minute!

0:40:410:40:45

No, I'm not.

0:40:450:40:46

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:480:40:50

Ian Hislop and Greg Davis, Paul Merton and Grace Dent.

0:40:500:40:54

And I leave you with news that at a G8 conference in Rome,

0:40:580:41:02

Angela Merkel regrets answering a live video link message

0:41:020:41:05

from Silvio Berlusconi's hotel room.

0:41:050:41:07

In London, after a swimming pool is contaminated,

0:41:100:41:13

the culprit finally owns up.

0:41:130:41:15

And at a Royal Garden Party, following several cucumber sandwiches,

0:41:180:41:21

a new record is set for the world's longest burp.

0:41:210:41:24

Goodnight.

0:41:260:41:28

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0:41:290:41:31

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0:41:310:41:33

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