Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 5

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, a guest host and guest panellists Roisin Conaty and Andy Hamilton.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Welcome to Have I Got News for you, I'm David Mitchell.

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In the news this week...

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at Heathrow, Theresa May's new, stricter border controls policy is put into action.

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Authorities in Liverpool hailed this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.

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And, at a UN charity auction,

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bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.

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With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24 Hour Panel People,

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where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time

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to help David Walliams's career.

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Please welcome, Roisin Conaty.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented

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a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.

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He's in America doing the X Factor, isn't he?

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Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

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What's he doing?!

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That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.

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This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.

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-It's a sad day for people like us.

-Yes, indeed.

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They should let the Mafia run Italy.

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-That's sort of what's been happening.

-Make it official.

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Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not because of the other stuff

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but because Italy is massively in debt,

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and that will only be the debts Silvio's told them about,

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because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.

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You say he doesn't put much in writing,

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but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?

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A note he'd written to himself.

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He wrote the word 'traitors' during the vote.

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-Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament.

-Or it could have been 'trattoria'

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where he was true to meet a number of attractive young MEPs.

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He put down the number of traitors, eight,

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so he knew how many horses' heads to order.

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What happens to the rest of the horse?

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Can anyone get a horse's arse?

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I suppose it must be for more minor misdemeanours.

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A horse's arse I think would be worse than a horse's head.

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Imagine waking up next to a horses arse?

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There's something personal about that.

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You might say a horse's arse was more flirtatious, though.

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LAUGHTER

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-Flirtatious?

-That's an odd word to pick!

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That's an interesting window into your life.

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So, when you said you entered a horse at the Grand National, you actually...

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I don't really want to do any jokes about the eurozone crisis,

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because I don't want to spook the markets.

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I think it's a bit unfair, a lot of people have been saying

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the Italian people are to blame for voting for Berlusconi,

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but it's not like you could tell what he's like

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just from looking at him....

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Imagine if you went to buy something

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and a salesman walked through the door towards you looking like Berlusconi,

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you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?

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Unless I was buying jet black hair dye.

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The markets probably went bad, as well, because, if he's resigning,

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think how much he's going to spend on his final bunga bunga party.

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Look how much he spent when he was trying to keep the job!

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Yeah, it's quite a leaving do, isn't it?

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What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?

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-Falling asleep?

-Yes, that's right.

-That was one of them.

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Falling asleep was another of them, as well, because he fell asleep twice.

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And he wasn't embarrassed.

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That's what's so extraordinary, his official's saying, "Wake up!"

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-And he didn't care.

-But he's not embarrassed by anything, is he?

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That's his secret, surely.

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Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,

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-he was impersonating a disabled person.

-Yeah.

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Well, that's someone who's not easily embarrassed, isn't it?

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-It is Ricky Gervais's act.

-In our country we've taken the decision

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not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

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But it's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,

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and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,

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-Germany, France and Italy.

-Oh, great(!)

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Italy's going to bail itself out.

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Everyone knows, if you've got a three-legged stool,

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it can do perfectly fine with just two legs.

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At the height of the crisis, how did Berlusconi spend Monday night?

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Was it on Facebook?

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He did, he's a 75-year-old man, what's he doing on...

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Oh, actually, no, I've worked it out.

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He announced that he wasn't going to resign on Facebook.

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I think he updated his status to "Still Prime Minister" or something.

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But that's not what he was doing on Monday night.

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Was he at home washing his hair? That takes quite a while.

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He doesn't need to be at home when that happens.

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-He was huddled with an adviser.

-Huddled!

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Here she is...

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She's advising him, clearly.

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If you don't take your hands off me I'm going to punch you in the face.

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And, even though he is soon not to be prime minister,

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Berlusconi is going to be a busy man because he's facing three court cases. Do you know what for?

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-Corruption.

-Yup.

-Fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.

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Certainly, it's sex with the under-age. He certainly wasn't under-aged.

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But he had immunity, didn't he? He passed a law

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saying that you can't prosecute the Prime Minister for anything,

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and then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.

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In the past, he's only actually been tried for tax fraud,

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and embezzlement and attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team...

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and false accounting and illegally financing a political party...

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..and corrupting a judge.

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Who among us hasn't done all that?!

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And how has the Italian public been reacting to all of this?

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You'd have thought with some embarrassment since they voted for him so often.

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I think "unpredictably" would be the word. Let's have a look at this.

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Keep an eye on the man behind the Government spokesman.

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The opposition didn't vote. We voted in favour and it was approved.

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Will he still be Prime Minister by next week?

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That is hard to tell.

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You see, if life was predictable it would be very boring.

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Yes, democracy in action there! Shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?

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Yeah, go on. >

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-I'll give you the first half and you try and finish them off.

-OK.

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As Berlusconi said to the actress!

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Discovered that mine is a lesbian.

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LAUGHTER

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That's what he said.

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Absolutely!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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His next one:

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..most persecuted.

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That's absolutely right.

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You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy, he might have thought of one other example.

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-He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."

-Really?

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When I was elected, all the other European leaders said, "Jesus Christ!"

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LAUGHTER

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Here's one from September:

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So, if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off.

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently, if you stick that on your manifesto you get elected.

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What has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?

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I've got a got a whole load of things going through my head but...

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-She's given them a tax cut worth £5 billion.

-Cor!

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How can she afford to do that?

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-Because they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.

-Yes, basically.

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The German government has discovered

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it will get £14 billion more in tax this year

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than it expected and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.

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Which is great news! Good for them!

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Lucky, lucky old Germans!

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LAUGHTER

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Couldn't have happened to a nicer country(!)

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While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling of course.

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Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Did anyone see this?

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It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.

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-He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...

-Yeah, it had been preying on his mind.

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-..and he really went for the bloke.

-Here he is talking to a Greek man.

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-It isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union.

-I'm not saying that.

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It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it that Greeks are so dishonest?

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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The paradox there is if they're really dishonest, he's not going to get an honest answer, is he?

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And which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?

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FIFA. Basically, it's about whether the England team would be allowed to wear

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the poppy in their friendly against Spain on Saturday.

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-They've decided that they can wear them on armbands.

-It was going to be a big problem,

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FIFA saying, "No, you can't do it."

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But then, traditionally, we solve the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung.

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So, now we are allowed to wear poppies, which is great. It's a good solution.

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The lawyer's not going to put that in!

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The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now. He nips to the machine so you should be all right.

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James Murdoch's a liar. There you are, I got that in!

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APPLAUSE

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I'm going to stick up for FIFA now. On this particular story,

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I think FIFA were right. Because, although to us,

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it's just a symbol of remembrance, I think to the outside world,

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it probably does look like a political symbol,

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and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.

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It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it? FIFA's argument

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was if England were allowed to wear poppies, the Iranian team would be allowed to wear a bomb...

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..as a symbol of assertive nationalism. And why not? Um...

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Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or a graphic with "bomb" written on it?

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I don't know how far their technology has advanced.

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Play havoc with the offside law, wouldn't it?

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I don't understand why... I mean, you wear poppies on a coat.

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Why wear them when you're playing football?

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I don't think all activities, you have to wear a poppy.

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I got an abusive letter for not wearing one last week on this show.

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I thought, "I'm wearing it all week, I'll wear it to church on Sunday.

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-"I don't have to wear it 24 hours a day, do I?"

-Do you not wear it in the bath?

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I... I think that's quite disrespectful.

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-You're right.

-How long are you meant to wear it for? When I was at school,

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it was the Sunday, or the day. What are the timeframes you wear it for?

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It used to to be the week running up to the Friday, and Remembrance Sunday,

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and then take it off afterwards, but according to some commentators, you should wear it ALL YEAR!

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I was watching ITV News the other night and the weather forecast lady

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-had a poppy the size of a dustbin lid.

-She cares more than other people!

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Personally, I think it's disrespectful they don't play dressed as poppies.

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Meanwhile, Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.

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They were overheard. The two of them were having a chat

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near a microphone that happened to be an open mic...

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-It was terrific.

-It was good.

-In a way,

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it was lucky they were only talking about Netanyahu,

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not something important. It could easily have been, "When are we bombing Iran?" "Next Tuesday."

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Yes, Sarkozy said...

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It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.

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Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?

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As well as apparently being a liar, according to Sarkozy,

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Netanyahu is also about to launch an attack on Iran, people are saying.

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If you want to cheer up from the Euro crisis, on page six, nuclear war!

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At which depressing point, let's calm ourselves down with restful footage of a health and safety man

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demonstrating how to use a ladder safely.

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ON TAPE: We don't have to do that, do we?

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That's the funniest thing ever!

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-Yes. I mean, he's dead now. But...

-LAUGHTER

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But yes, he went in a funny way.

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This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down,

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-but not immediately, as arrangements have to be made first.

-What? On the ladder?!

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Berlusconi would NOT have been embarrassed to be on that ladder.

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He'd have done it every day for a fortnight to prove it was deliberate.

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Straight back on his feet! See?!

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"I was just trying to climb into a schoolgirl's bedroom."

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APPLAUSE

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Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.

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Still, could be worse. Could be in lire.

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Also, this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.

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It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.

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Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

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That's Theresa May, talking about border controls.

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"Shall we let this one in?" NO!

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Keep him out, he's very dangerous. People from the 1950s. They're being allowed into Britain again.

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This is a bit of a row, about our borders.

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Sounds like you're the headmaster of a public school.

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Now, some of the boarders have been drinking

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at lights out, and I think some of the day boys have brought it in.

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We should never have had day boys at all.

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Exploring your hinterland?

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You dirty devil!

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I could go on for hours. There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls.

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She didn't do it - they were relaxed. Lots of people came in,

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totally unchecked, which is amazing,

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cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you've thought, "It cannot go any slower,"

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but apparently, they tried to speed it up. No terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.

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Obviously, this is embarrassing. She blamed her civil servant,

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the man running the Borders Agency, he said, "It's not my fault,

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"and I'll take you to an industrial tribunal," and at the moment,

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-she's still got a job.

-They paid £5.6bn for these biometric passports

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that photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff.

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They invented all this technology to stop terrorism - billions of pounds,

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and what brought it down was, "There's a queue? Oh, let 'em in."

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The terrorist queue at Heathrow, a few months ago, hundreds of people,

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-you'd have to wave them through or they'd still be there now.

-I always presumed, when you see the queues,

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at Immigration, that that was part of the Citizenship Test.

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-Yeah.

-Can you queue casually...

-..for hours?

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Are you cut out for life in Britain?

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Do you know how the Daily Mail encapsulated the story?

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-"How many killers are loose on our streets?"

-They went with...

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So, no, we'll never know how many dangerous terrorists got in that we don't know about,

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or how many asteroids we didn't see narrowly miss the Earth, or how many paedos ever bought a Kinder egg.

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There was a headline when Brodie Whatsisface complained...

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-I don't think he's called Brodie Whatsisface.

-No, I know...

-An amusing name

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for a man in charge of passports!

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Brodie Clark is his name, and he emphatically denies he was bothered

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about cutting times at Passport Control. He said...

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This summer regularly saw queues of three hours and more at Heathrow.

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Yes, well done, Brodie.

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And why is none of this a big deal?

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She won't resign, as far as we know,

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and his tribunal we haven't heard yet, so we don't know what's happening.

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The other reason this is arguably not a big deal is that in general,

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terrorists don't try and just wander past Passport Control,

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and we have plenty of terrorists of our own.

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7/7 - British terrorists.

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IRA - British terrorists. I mean, they might not see themselves as British, but...

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There's a great reluctance amongst wishy-washy liberals

0:18:490:18:52

particularly at the BBC, to discuss something. Do you know what it is?

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-I don't think we should talk about it.

-As a wishy-washy liberal,

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-I'm extremely reluctant to talk about it.

-Immigration.

-How DARE you talk about it! You...are a racist.

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I know.

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Yes, it is immigration. In one week, 100,000 people have signed,

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or rather, clicked a button on Migration Watch's online petition to restore immigration controls,

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-which means it could be debated in Parliament.

-Is this part of the same story that said 8 out of 10 people

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think that Britain is crowded? Is that the same survey?

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I read that and thought, "I bet that's the shorter ones."

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Seriously, if you're shorter, you can't see over the top, it does feel crowded.

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If you just ask the shorter people, Britain's an overcrowded nightmare,

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but if you're taller, you can see a bit of space over there.

0:19:420:19:46

Is that the kind of political insight you were looking for?

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-Do you think, then, that shortness in stature leads to prejudice?

-Yes.

0:19:520:19:57

Right. What's the really bad news for Theresa May?

0:19:570:20:01

Um, has she discovered her husband's a robot?

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-She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?

-No.

0:20:050:20:08

If you had access to the controls, it wouldn't be a bad thing.

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You could get rid of some of the faults. "40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."

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-Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot...

-Worse than that?!

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..according to a Downing Street spokesman...

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Staying with laxity and sloppiness,

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-what's been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?

-Oh, yes!

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I think it was 16 prostitutes,

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a sack of marijuana, several bottles of vodka,

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100 chickens, I think...

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and a couple of pet pheasants.

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-You're incredibly close.

-I know!

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I had to smuggle it all in, one weekend!

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The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.

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In the end, I had to disguise some of them as chickens.

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It was in fact 19 prostitutes. Three got in without your help.

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You can never trust them.

0:21:090:21:11

Can't be 100 of them - they don't get on, do they?

0:21:200:21:23

-100 of them together?

-Must have had 100 boxes, that's the only way you could do it.

0:21:230:21:28

Like Deal Or No Deal?

0:21:280:21:29

-Yeah.

-What box has got a fighting cock in it?

0:21:290:21:33

-There's a quiz show in that.

-Apparently, one prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail...

0:21:330:21:40

He was only sentenced to five.

0:21:400:21:41

This is the border control row threatening the position of the Home Secretary.

0:21:450:21:49

Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.

0:21:490:21:52

In the end, there were so many, she just waved some of them through. At one point,

0:21:520:21:56

border staff let immigrants in without asking basic questions such as, "Do you have a cat?"

0:21:560:22:03

Also this week, Chris Huhne's ex-wife revealed he'd told her

0:22:050:22:08

their marriage was over at half-time in the World Cup game between Japan and Holland.

0:22:080:22:12

The Sun ended the article by giving their readers the information that really mattered.

0:22:120:22:16

..thereby taking the three points. Unlike Chris Huhne.

0:22:200:22:25

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

0:22:250:22:27

David Cameron is under fire over the lavish refurbishment of Downing St.

0:22:280:22:32

The total cost has soared to £700,000.

0:22:320:22:36

To be fair, the Camerons have paid some of it themselves. To be unfair, that's cos they're stinking rich.

0:22:360:22:42

Here's a bonus one for you.

0:22:420:22:44

Oh, yes, surveillance - the news that the Duke of Cambridge

0:22:480:22:51

-and Gary Lineker amongst others have been tailed by private eyes...

-Steve Davis has put on weight.

0:22:510:22:56

Looks like we're not going to be able to afford colour here any more.

0:22:570:23:01

Surveillance. News International. News Of The World.

0:23:010:23:05

They spied on some lawyers, didn't they, who were representing some people who were...

0:23:050:23:10

The worrying thing is that the News of the World, in trouble for hacking voicemails,

0:23:100:23:14

decided that the way to counter that accusation was to put a private detective

0:23:140:23:18

onto members of the Parliamentary Select Committee and the victims.

0:23:180:23:23

So James Murdoch was in front of a committee and had to explain why he'd done that.

0:23:230:23:28

And of course, he had no idea it was happening. Tom Watson,

0:23:280:23:32

the Labour MP, just went for it,

0:23:320:23:35

and said, "You're the Mafia, and you're the first Mafia leader

0:23:350:23:39

"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."

0:23:390:23:42

And this was in a Select Committee. Everyone going, "Oh, really, that's very poor taste, Tom. Ha-ha-ha!"

0:23:420:23:47

Someone's lying. James Murdoch's evidence, saying,

0:23:480:23:51

"I didn't know anything" is exactly denied by the lawyer of News Of The World, Tom Crone,

0:23:510:23:58

the editor, Colin Myler, and one of the journalists, Neville Thurlbeck.

0:23:580:24:02

They all say he did know, we did show him the relevant thing.

0:24:020:24:05

He said they didn't. How can one possibly tell?

0:24:050:24:09

It's their word against his.

0:24:090:24:11

-Make your mind up.

-It's not that much like the Mafia, because the Mafia can keep their shit together.

0:24:110:24:18

This Derek Webb guy, he's quite like the Mafia.

0:24:190:24:22

The only reason the private investigator came out

0:24:220:24:26

was he said they didn't pay him "loyalty money". That's very Mafia.

0:24:260:24:29

Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.

0:24:290:24:34

-Shadows mainly are silent, aren't they?

-Noisy shadow!

0:24:340:24:38

When the sun comes out, "Here we are again!" Shut up!

0:24:380:24:44

That was a ridiculous list published of the people he was spying on.

0:24:440:24:49

As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.

0:24:490:24:54

"How does he know so much about football?"

0:24:560:25:00

"He must have records at home!"

0:25:000:25:03

There's no public interest. John Motson is not going to be involved in a sex scandal. And even if he was,

0:25:030:25:09

we don't want to know about it. It'd be Frank Bough all over again.

0:25:090:25:14

-I've never recovered from that.

-No.

0:25:140:25:16

Me neither. The strange thing about Murdoch's evidence

0:25:160:25:20

was it was all done in this very reasonable business speak, with words like "due process" and "proactivity",

0:25:200:25:28

but when he's thinking, he makes this noise. He goes, "Aaaahhh..."

0:25:280:25:33

After a while, I couldn't get out of my head the mental image of Zippy from Rainbow.

0:25:330:25:39

-What was the thing he said about "mind"?

-I think it was "it wasn't a priority", but he kept saying,

0:25:390:25:46

"it wasn't top of mind".

0:25:460:25:48

Which I've never heard. They asked him,

0:25:480:25:52

given he believed there was only one rotten egg, the Royal Reporter,

0:25:520:25:57

why, when they told him they had to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor,

0:25:570:26:01

he didn't ask more questions, and that was where he said it wasn't "top of mind".

0:26:010:26:07

So you're paying out £700,000 to someone you've never heard of,

0:26:070:26:11

and you assume it's not a problem.

0:26:110:26:14

Very odd way for his brain to work,

0:26:140:26:16

that only the thing "top of mind" can be addressed. He probably needed to go to the lavatory at that point.

0:26:160:26:21

So whatever, it's not top of mind. Must pee...

0:26:210:26:25

Then that goes away and he's forgotten all about the money, because lunch is "top of mind".

0:26:250:26:31

-You know, it's totally understandable and he deserves our sympathy.

-Indeed.

0:26:310:26:35

But I don't know why you put him

0:26:350:26:37

in charge of a large organisation - he's a moron.

0:26:370:26:40

APPLAUSE

0:26:400:26:41

Who else was followed by the News Of The World?

0:26:410:26:44

Ian.

0:26:440:26:45

-Ian wasn't followed.

-I'd follow you, Ian.

0:26:450:26:48

LAUGHTER

0:26:480:26:50

That makes me feel a lot better.

0:26:500:26:51

Surely you must have been followed by some sort of private detective?

0:26:510:26:55

I was phone-tapped by a detective in the operation before this one.

0:26:550:26:58

-Who paid for this?

-Daily Express.

-Well, that's a bit naff -

0:26:580:27:01

followed by the Daily Express. Did they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?

0:27:010:27:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:070:27:11

It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.

0:27:110:27:14

True.

0:27:140:27:15

They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents, as well, which is weird.

0:27:150:27:19

We know they've had sex or he wouldn't exist.

0:27:190:27:22

Maybe they are wizards.

0:27:220:27:24

Fingers crossed.

0:27:270:27:29

Well that's like... >

0:27:290:27:31

That dates back to the very beginning of this story.

0:27:310:27:34

That extraordinary thing where they were following that detective

0:27:340:27:38

and the other presenter from Crimewatch

0:27:380:27:41

because they told Rebekah Brooks,

0:27:410:27:42

"Well, you know, we're pretty sure they're having sex, those two."

0:27:420:27:46

And it turned out they were married.

0:27:460:27:48

And I think the police >

0:27:500:27:51

pointed this out to Rebekah Brooks at a rather embarrassing meeting.

0:27:510:27:56

That's a very rigorous morality from The Sun, isn't it?

0:27:560:28:00

-No sex AFTER marriage.

-They must have gone, "Vindicated!

0:28:000:28:04

"We knew there was something going on there!"

0:28:040:28:08

So while the front page of The Sun

0:28:080:28:10

was filled with the usual X Factor drivel,

0:28:100:28:13

behind the scenes there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was that?

0:28:130:28:17

-One of them was arrested.

-Yes. Up till now, only people

0:28:170:28:19

who worked for the News Of The World have been arrested.

0:28:190:28:22

What did James Murdoch say?

0:28:220:28:24

-He apologised.

-Oh, he knew about it(?)

0:28:240:28:26

He just apologised that it had happened at all.

0:28:260:28:30

And he said, "If this is true, then I'm going to close down The Sun."

0:28:300:28:33

And then outside the church bells were ringing,

0:28:330:28:37

-pensioners dancing in the street.

-# Ding-dong the witch is dead! #

0:28:370:28:40

-Topless women weeping.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:400:28:43

Where will we go?

0:28:430:28:47

What was the reaction in The Sun's newsroom to the arrest?

0:28:470:28:50

-Did they organise a secret Santa?

-To follow people around...

0:28:500:28:55

..to climb down chimneys and take photographs.

0:28:570:29:00

Only effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.

0:29:000:29:03

In fact one of the Sun journalists told the Independent:

0:29:030:29:07

That is a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.

0:29:090:29:15

Others said:

0:29:150:29:17

-Or "dusk"...

0:29:190:29:20

-as it is commonly known.

-Maybe they could relaunch it

0:29:220:29:25

-as an evening paper?

-The Daily Moon.

-The Daily Moon?

-Yeah.

-I'd buy that - The Daily Moon.

0:29:250:29:31

A big pair of buttocks on it.

0:29:310:29:35

Yes, the News of the World may be dead, but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.

0:29:360:29:40

The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out

0:29:400:29:44

surveillance on the lawyer Mark Lewis, which involved following:

0:29:440:29:47

Well, if you are looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.

0:29:520:29:56

Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World, was former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy.

0:29:560:30:02

That's a tough pub crawl even for a hardened tabloid hack.

0:30:020:30:05

And so to Round Two -

0:30:050:30:08

The Strengthometer of News!

0:30:080:30:10

-Yay!

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:30:100:30:12

LAUGHTER

0:30:130:30:17

BUZZ

0:30:170:30:18

Er, this is an unfortunate by-product of malaria. No, this is, um...

0:30:180:30:23

This is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,

0:30:230:30:28

he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin. They discovered it

0:30:280:30:33

when they cut it open and a sea lion fell out.

0:30:330:30:36

So this year he's entered the competition again and he's won this time, fair and square.

0:30:360:30:41

That's right. This is champion pumpkin grower Barry Truss.

0:30:410:30:45

Wow, look at the size of that.

0:30:450:30:46

-And look at his pumpkin.

-ANDY: That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.

0:30:460:30:53

The world of vegetable growing is very seedy though. Barry has form.

0:30:530:30:57

-Oo-er.

-What...

0:30:570:30:59

I actually read that out without even knowing it was there.

0:30:590:31:04

LAUGHTER

0:31:040:31:06

Literally it wasn't top of mind. Um...

0:31:060:31:10

-He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.

-Really?

0:31:100:31:15

His biggest rival, Pete Glaze, claims that Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.

0:31:150:31:20

Truss defended himself, saying that the potential prizewinner simply became too heavy and caved in.

0:31:200:31:26

Glaze responded:

0:31:260:31:27

That is amazing.

0:31:310:31:34

How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations of poisoning

0:31:340:31:39

-and kicking in other people's pumpkins?

-He admitted it.

-Yes.

0:31:390:31:42

When asked how he always grows the biggest pumpkin, he said:

0:31:420:31:46

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:500:31:52

-That's, um...

-I tell you want.

0:31:520:31:54

-This would make a great episode of Lewis.

-Yeah, it would.

0:31:540:31:58

Barry was pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin growing:

0:31:580:32:01

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is amazing. That's awful. >

0:32:100:32:15

And we're laughing at this man's tragedy.

0:32:150:32:18

According to the Shropshire Star:

0:32:190:32:21

Just what any charity wants -

0:32:230:32:25

a massive rotting pumpkin too late for Halloween(!)

0:32:250:32:29

I've entered a few vegetable competitions in my time but, to be honest, small potatoes.

0:32:290:32:35

Meanwhile,

0:32:350:32:37

in trivial news, the body of a four-foot shark has been found in Aberystwyth.

0:32:370:32:41

The shark was spotted on a double yellow line by a traffic warden.

0:32:410:32:45

The dead-eyed, merciless predator almost gave it a ticket but then moved on.

0:32:460:32:51

-INAUDIBLE

-Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:32:520:32:57

-BUZZ

-These are the Russians who went to Mars. But they didn't go to Mars,

0:33:010:33:06

they were in the middle of a hangar in a big metal box for - what was it? - 520 days,

0:33:060:33:12

to replicate the time spent in getting to Mars and back. They came out mightily relieved.

0:33:120:33:17

Did as many come out as went in? >

0:33:170:33:19

Four more came out than went in which they can't figure out.

0:33:190:33:22

It was to see how they would psychologically cope with such a long journey in space.

0:33:220:33:27

Exactly like going to Mars except you're in a car park in Russia.

0:33:270:33:31

They weren't going anywhere.

0:33:310:33:32

-They weren't weightless.

-No.

-So they were able to learn the guitar. They learnt Chinese.

0:33:320:33:37

Basically they did 520 days and went, "We're fine. We can definitely go to Mars now."

0:33:370:33:42

Just because they're able to stay in a shed. By that reckoning, everyone who's in Big Brother can go to Mars.

0:33:420:33:47

And should.

0:33:470:33:48

How realistic was this simulation? >

0:33:500:33:53

Did they have asteroid storms? Did they chuck rocks at it?

0:33:530:33:55

Had they painted planet Earth >

0:33:550:33:57

and just, every now and then, walk it past the window?

0:33:570:34:01

How did the mission simulate the walking around on Mars bit?

0:34:010:34:05

They went into a sandpit, didn't they?

0:34:050:34:07

Yes. They apparently simulated a landing:

0:34:070:34:10

That's Doctor Who, isn't it?

0:34:130:34:16

It wasn't all walking around sandpits though. What did Frenchman Romain Charles do to entertain them?

0:34:160:34:20

-Played the guitar?

-No.

-Did he do mime?

-No.

0:34:200:34:25

-He juggled.

-He did.

0:34:250:34:27

-< Oh! Oh, my God!

-According to the Guardian:

0:34:270:34:29

Just as well it wasn't weightless, wasn't it? >

0:34:340:34:36

That's going to be very...

0:34:360:34:38

And are they being richly rewarded for their pioneering work?

0:34:440:34:48

Amazon vouchers.

0:34:480:34:50

-Are they not paid much?

-They're getting... They are.

0:34:510:34:54

Poor Mr Wang!

0:35:050:35:07

< Is he the juggler?

0:35:070:35:08

And what were they handed as they emerged?

0:35:110:35:14

-Sandwiches.

-I imagine so.

0:35:140:35:16

Soon after. But initially? According to The Sun they were:

0:35:160:35:20

Except for Mr Wang.

0:35:210:35:23

-Poor Mr Wang.

-What did Mr Wang do?

-I don't know.

0:35:230:35:27

Would he have been given a weed?

0:35:270:35:30

These are the six cosmonauts or, to give them their correct term, car-park-onauts...

0:35:300:35:35

who simulated a mission to Mars. After 520 days,

0:35:350:35:37

they emerged, still friends, apart from the one who kept asking, "Are we there yet?"

0:35:370:35:43

The men whiled away the 520 days with various activities including:

0:35:430:35:47

So if you're watching, Michael Jackson's doctor, plenty to do!

0:35:550:35:59

Meanwhile, the White House this week categorically denied the existence of aliens.

0:35:590:36:04

An official statement said:

0:36:040:36:05

Well, I'm sure conspiracy theorists would agree that finally draws a line under that(!)

0:36:140:36:19

Time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,

0:36:190:36:23

The BarCode News.

0:36:230:36:26

If you're wondering how much it costs -

0:36:260:36:28

BEEP! - £1.99.

0:36:280:36:30

And we start with:

0:36:300:36:32

< Not as nice as they sound.

0:36:350:36:37

Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.

0:36:380:36:40

The answer is:

0:36:410:36:43

This is Wendy Werkit

0:36:450:36:46

of Nashville, who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chicken pox

0:36:460:36:50

to parents who want their children to contract the virus at an early age.

0:36:500:36:53

-In the old days when I was little, if a kid down the road...

-This is before horses.

0:36:530:36:58

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-If a kid down the road

0:36:580:37:00

got German measles, you know, all the kids in the street were gathered up and you had a German measles party.

0:37:000:37:05

You hung out with the kid, got German measles and got it over and done with. They stopped that practice

0:37:050:37:10

because the health and safety people say that passing on infectious diseases isn't good. Um...

0:37:100:37:15

-They've ruined leprosy!

-Yeah. >

0:37:150:37:17

-It's true! Those leprosy sleepovers were the best things.

-Exactly.

0:37:170:37:21

Next. What:

0:37:210:37:24

< Orgy.

0:37:270:37:28

Utter indifference. >

0:37:300:37:32

The answer is:

0:37:330:37:35

According to BarCode News:

0:37:390:37:42

It was another 20 years before they invented the bell

0:37:450:37:48

and flashing lights to call Kevin over to go and check the price.

0:37:480:37:51

Next.

0:37:510:37:52

ANDY: I'm eating roadkill as part of a calorie-controlled diet.

0:37:540:37:59

ROISIN: Oh, I know this. This is the guy, the veggie...

0:38:000:38:03

He's a veggie but he'll eat roadkill.

0:38:030:38:05

-Am I right?

-No.

0:38:050:38:08

It makes sense though.

0:38:080:38:10

-What if you run it over though?

-Yes, that's all right. That's not your fault.

0:38:100:38:14

That's a grey area.

0:38:140:38:15

Is it I'm eating roadkill quiche?

0:38:150:38:18

The answer is:

0:38:180:38:21

Mother-to-be, Alison Brierley, who gets cravings for eating roadkill.

0:38:230:38:27

To be fair, roadkill isn't the worst thing you could eat on the side of the road. There's also Little Chef.

0:38:270:38:32

Next. What:

0:38:340:38:35

They've got tiny little legs.

0:38:380:38:41

ANDY: Their stripiness.

0:38:430:38:44

The answer is:

0:38:440:38:45

To be honest, it doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes

0:38:470:38:51

because, over the years, I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one.

0:38:510:38:55

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:38:550:38:57

LAUGHTER

0:38:570:38:58

Shall we start a collection?

0:38:580:38:59

Yeah.

0:38:590:39:01

The pity's worse!

0:39:010:39:03

Next:

0:39:040:39:06

Give me Phil Collins' phone number. It's a list of strange requests

0:39:080:39:11

that people phone up. They say, "Can you phone up about the wind,"

0:39:110:39:15

-or something.

-I thought it was David ringing up to ask if you knew any friends.

0:39:150:39:19

Yeah, I've been reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service(!)

0:39:200:39:24

-That's what they're there for.

-I'm still working my way through

0:39:240:39:28

the Department of State for the Environment.

0:39:280:39:30

-Give a ring to Agriculture. They're good fun.

-Yes, the answer is:

0:39:300:39:36

This is one of the odd requests

0:39:380:39:39

made to British consular staff abroad. For younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,

0:39:390:39:44

you lucky buggers.

0:39:440:39:45

Next.

0:39:470:39:48

Don't dump me.

0:39:510:39:52

ROISIN: I'm a robot.

0:39:520:39:54

ANDY: I think he said... He made the mistake of saying, "It's me or Westlife", "so I dumped him".

0:39:550:39:59

Yes, you're right it's:

0:39:590:40:01

Westlife fan Jane Holmes

0:40:020:40:04

has been to 60 of their concerts and says she screams whenever she sees them.

0:40:040:40:08

I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

0:40:080:40:10

And finally:

0:40:100:40:12

ROISIN: With your eyes.

0:40:140:40:15

Is it for dogs? Is it a BARK code?

0:40:160:40:19

Ooh!

0:40:190:40:20

Deserved more.

0:40:200:40:22

I think he got what he deserved.

0:40:220:40:25

I'm going for the meal for one sympathy.

0:40:250:40:28

You are absolutely right.

0:40:280:40:30

It's BARK code.

0:40:300:40:31

-Yes!

-Yay!

0:40:310:40:33

This is the company that produces the BarkCode - barcodes for pets that enable them to be traced.

0:40:360:40:42

The company involved donate a proportion of its profits towards:

0:40:420:40:46

Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities who always stop you for money in the streets.

0:40:480:40:53

So...

0:40:530:40:54

the final scores are -

0:40:540:40:55

Ian and Roisin

0:40:550:40:57

have 4 points but Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with 9.

0:40:570:41:00

APPLAUSE

0:41:000:41:02

And I leave you with news that at the G20,

0:41:060:41:08

not everyone is aware that Argentina's President,

0:41:080:41:11

Cristina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.

0:41:110:41:14

During a break at the G20s, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.

0:41:180:41:22

And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.

0:41:250:41:29

Good night.

0:41:320:41:34

APPLAUSE

0:41:340:41:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:41:580:42:01

E-mail [email protected]

0:42:010:42:04