Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Welcome to Have I Got News for you, I'm David Mitchell.

In the news this week...

at Heathrow, Theresa May's new, stricter border controls policy is put into action.

Authorities in Liverpool hailed this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.

And, at a UN charity auction,

bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.

With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24 Hour Panel People,

where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time

to help David Walliams's career.

Please welcome, Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE

With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented

a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.

He's in America doing the X Factor, isn't he?

Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

What's he doing?!

That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.

This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.

-It's a sad day for people like us.

-Yes, indeed.

They should let the Mafia run Italy.

-That's sort of what's been happening.

-Make it official.

Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not because of the other stuff

but because Italy is massively in debt,

and that will only be the debts Silvio's told them about,

because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.

You say he doesn't put much in writing,

but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?

A note he'd written to himself.

He wrote the word 'traitors' during the vote.

-Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament.

-Or it could have been 'trattoria'

where he was true to meet a number of attractive young MEPs.

He put down the number of traitors, eight,

so he knew how many horses' heads to order.

What happens to the rest of the horse?

Can anyone get a horse's arse?

I suppose it must be for more minor misdemeanours.

A horse's arse I think would be worse than a horse's head.

Imagine waking up next to a horses arse?

There's something personal about that.

You might say a horse's arse was more flirtatious, though.

LAUGHTER

-Flirtatious?

-That's an odd word to pick!

That's an interesting window into your life.

So, when you said you entered a horse at the Grand National, you actually...

I don't really want to do any jokes about the eurozone crisis,

because I don't want to spook the markets.

I think it's a bit unfair, a lot of people have been saying

the Italian people are to blame for voting for Berlusconi,

but it's not like you could tell what he's like

just from looking at him....

Imagine if you went to buy something

and a salesman walked through the door towards you looking like Berlusconi,

you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?

Unless I was buying jet black hair dye.

The markets probably went bad, as well, because, if he's resigning,

think how much he's going to spend on his final bunga bunga party.

Look how much he spent when he was trying to keep the job!

Yeah, it's quite a leaving do, isn't it?

What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?

-Falling asleep?

-Yes, that's right.

-That was one of them.

Falling asleep was another of them, as well, because he fell asleep twice.

And he wasn't embarrassed.

That's what's so extraordinary, his official's saying, "Wake up!"

-And he didn't care.

-But he's not embarrassed by anything, is he?

That's his secret, surely.

Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,

-he was impersonating a disabled person.

-Yeah.

Well, that's someone who's not easily embarrassed, isn't it?

-It is Ricky Gervais's act.

-In our country we've taken the decision

not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

But it's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,

and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,

-Germany, France and Italy.

-Oh, great(!)

Italy's going to bail itself out.

Everyone knows, if you've got a three-legged stool,

it can do perfectly fine with just two legs.

At the height of the crisis, how did Berlusconi spend Monday night?

Was it on Facebook?

He did, he's a 75-year-old man, what's he doing on...

Oh, actually, no, I've worked it out.

He announced that he wasn't going to resign on Facebook.

I think he updated his status to "Still Prime Minister" or something.

But that's not what he was doing on Monday night.

Was he at home washing his hair? That takes quite a while.

He doesn't need to be at home when that happens.

-He was huddled with an adviser.

-Huddled!

Here she is...

She's advising him, clearly.

If you don't take your hands off me I'm going to punch you in the face.

And, even though he is soon not to be prime minister,

Berlusconi is going to be a busy man because he's facing three court cases. Do you know what for?

-Corruption.

-Yup.

-Fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.

Certainly, it's sex with the under-age. He certainly wasn't under-aged.

But he had immunity, didn't he? He passed a law

saying that you can't prosecute the Prime Minister for anything,

and then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.

In the past, he's only actually been tried for tax fraud,

and embezzlement and attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team...

and false accounting and illegally financing a political party...

..and corrupting a judge.

Who among us hasn't done all that?!

And how has the Italian public been reacting to all of this?

You'd have thought with some embarrassment since they voted for him so often.

I think "unpredictably" would be the word. Let's have a look at this.

Keep an eye on the man behind the Government spokesman.

The opposition didn't vote. We voted in favour and it was approved.

Will he still be Prime Minister by next week?

That is hard to tell.

You see, if life was predictable it would be very boring.

Yes, democracy in action there! Shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?

Yeah, go on. >

-I'll give you the first half and you try and finish them off.

-OK.

As Berlusconi said to the actress!

Discovered that mine is a lesbian.

LAUGHTER

That's what he said.

Absolutely!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

His next one:

..most persecuted.

That's absolutely right.

You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy, he might have thought of one other example.

-He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."

-Really?

When I was elected, all the other European leaders said, "Jesus Christ!"

LAUGHTER

Here's one from September:

So, if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, if you stick that on your manifesto you get elected.

What has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?

I've got a got a whole load of things going through my head but...

-She's given them a tax cut worth £5 billion.

-Cor!

How can she afford to do that?

-Because they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.

-Yes, basically.

The German government has discovered

it will get £14 billion more in tax this year

than it expected and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.

Which is great news! Good for them!

Lucky, lucky old Germans!

LAUGHTER

Couldn't have happened to a nicer country(!)

While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling of course.

Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Did anyone see this?

It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.

-He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...

-Yeah, it had been preying on his mind.

-..and he really went for the bloke.

-Here he is talking to a Greek man.

-It isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union.

-I'm not saying that.

It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it that Greeks are so dishonest?

AUDIENCE GROANS

The paradox there is if they're really dishonest, he's not going to get an honest answer, is he?

And which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?

FIFA. Basically, it's about whether the England team would be allowed to wear

the poppy in their friendly against Spain on Saturday.

-They've decided that they can wear them on armbands.

-It was going to be a big problem,

FIFA saying, "No, you can't do it."

But then, traditionally, we solve the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung.

So, now we are allowed to wear poppies, which is great. It's a good solution.

The lawyer's not going to put that in!

The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now. He nips to the machine so you should be all right.

James Murdoch's a liar. There you are, I got that in!

APPLAUSE

I'm going to stick up for FIFA now. On this particular story,

I think FIFA were right. Because, although to us,

it's just a symbol of remembrance, I think to the outside world,

it probably does look like a political symbol,

and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.

It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it? FIFA's argument

was if England were allowed to wear poppies, the Iranian team would be allowed to wear a bomb...

..as a symbol of assertive nationalism. And why not? Um...

Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or a graphic with "bomb" written on it?

I don't know how far their technology has advanced.

Play havoc with the offside law, wouldn't it?

I don't understand why... I mean, you wear poppies on a coat.

Why wear them when you're playing football?

I don't think all activities, you have to wear a poppy.

I got an abusive letter for not wearing one last week on this show.

I thought, "I'm wearing it all week, I'll wear it to church on Sunday.

-"I don't have to wear it 24 hours a day, do I?"

-Do you not wear it in the bath?

I... I think that's quite disrespectful.

-You're right.

-How long are you meant to wear it for? When I was at school,

it was the Sunday, or the day. What are the timeframes you wear it for?

It used to to be the week running up to the Friday, and Remembrance Sunday,

and then take it off afterwards, but according to some commentators, you should wear it ALL YEAR!

I was watching ITV News the other night and the weather forecast lady

-had a poppy the size of a dustbin lid.

-She cares more than other people!

Personally, I think it's disrespectful they don't play dressed as poppies.

Meanwhile, Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.

They were overheard. The two of them were having a chat

near a microphone that happened to be an open mic...

-It was terrific.

-It was good.

-In a way,

it was lucky they were only talking about Netanyahu,

not something important. It could easily have been, "When are we bombing Iran?" "Next Tuesday."

Yes, Sarkozy said...

It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.

Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?

As well as apparently being a liar, according to Sarkozy,

Netanyahu is also about to launch an attack on Iran, people are saying.

If you want to cheer up from the Euro crisis, on page six, nuclear war!

At which depressing point, let's calm ourselves down with restful footage of a health and safety man

demonstrating how to use a ladder safely.

ON TAPE: We don't have to do that, do we?

That's the funniest thing ever!

-Yes. I mean, he's dead now. But...

-LAUGHTER

But yes, he went in a funny way.

This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down,

-but not immediately, as arrangements have to be made first.

-What? On the ladder?!

Berlusconi would NOT have been embarrassed to be on that ladder.

He'd have done it every day for a fortnight to prove it was deliberate.

Straight back on his feet! See?!

"I was just trying to climb into a schoolgirl's bedroom."

APPLAUSE

Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.

Still, could be worse. Could be in lire.

Also, this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.

It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.

Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

That's Theresa May, talking about border controls.

"Shall we let this one in?" NO!

Keep him out, he's very dangerous. People from the 1950s. They're being allowed into Britain again.

This is a bit of a row, about our borders.

Sounds like you're the headmaster of a public school.

Now, some of the boarders have been drinking

at lights out, and I think some of the day boys have brought it in.

We should never have had day boys at all.

Exploring your hinterland?

You dirty devil!

I could go on for hours. There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls.

She didn't do it - they were relaxed. Lots of people came in,

totally unchecked, which is amazing,

cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you've thought, "It cannot go any slower,"

but apparently, they tried to speed it up. No terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.

Obviously, this is embarrassing. She blamed her civil servant,

the man running the Borders Agency, he said, "It's not my fault,

"and I'll take you to an industrial tribunal," and at the moment,

-she's still got a job.

-They paid £5.6bn for these biometric passports

that photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff.

They invented all this technology to stop terrorism - billions of pounds,

and what brought it down was, "There's a queue? Oh, let 'em in."

The terrorist queue at Heathrow, a few months ago, hundreds of people,

-you'd have to wave them through or they'd still be there now.

-I always presumed, when you see the queues,

at Immigration, that that was part of the Citizenship Test.

-Yeah.

-Can you queue casually...

-..for hours?

Are you cut out for life in Britain?

Do you know how the Daily Mail encapsulated the story?

-"How many killers are loose on our streets?"

-They went with...

So, no, we'll never know how many dangerous terrorists got in that we don't know about,

or how many asteroids we didn't see narrowly miss the Earth, or how many paedos ever bought a Kinder egg.

There was a headline when Brodie Whatsisface complained...

-I don't think he's called Brodie Whatsisface.

-No, I know...

-An amusing name

for a man in charge of passports!

Brodie Clark is his name, and he emphatically denies he was bothered

about cutting times at Passport Control. He said...

This summer regularly saw queues of three hours and more at Heathrow.

Yes, well done, Brodie.

And why is none of this a big deal?

She won't resign, as far as we know,

and his tribunal we haven't heard yet, so we don't know what's happening.

The other reason this is arguably not a big deal is that in general,

terrorists don't try and just wander past Passport Control,

and we have plenty of terrorists of our own.

7/7 - British terrorists.

IRA - British terrorists. I mean, they might not see themselves as British, but...

There's a great reluctance amongst wishy-washy liberals

particularly at the BBC, to discuss something. Do you know what it is?

-I don't think we should talk about it.

-As a wishy-washy liberal,

-I'm extremely reluctant to talk about it.

-Immigration.

-How DARE you talk about it! You...are a racist.

I know.

Yes, it is immigration. In one week, 100,000 people have signed,

or rather, clicked a button on Migration Watch's online petition to restore immigration controls,

-which means it could be debated in Parliament.

-Is this part of the same story that said 8 out of 10 people

think that Britain is crowded? Is that the same survey?

I read that and thought, "I bet that's the shorter ones."

Seriously, if you're shorter, you can't see over the top, it does feel crowded.

If you just ask the shorter people, Britain's an overcrowded nightmare,

but if you're taller, you can see a bit of space over there.

Is that the kind of political insight you were looking for?

-Do you think, then, that shortness in stature leads to prejudice?

-Yes.

Right. What's the really bad news for Theresa May?

Um, has she discovered her husband's a robot?

-She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?

-No.

If you had access to the controls, it wouldn't be a bad thing.

You could get rid of some of the faults. "40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."

-Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot...

-Worse than that?!

..according to a Downing Street spokesman...

Staying with laxity and sloppiness,

-what's been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?

-Oh, yes!

I think it was 16 prostitutes,

a sack of marijuana, several bottles of vodka,

100 chickens, I think...

and a couple of pet pheasants.

-You're incredibly close.

-I know!

I had to smuggle it all in, one weekend!

The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.

In the end, I had to disguise some of them as chickens.

It was in fact 19 prostitutes. Three got in without your help.

You can never trust them.

Can't be 100 of them - they don't get on, do they?

-100 of them together?

-Must have had 100 boxes, that's the only way you could do it.

Like Deal Or No Deal?

-Yeah.

-What box has got a fighting cock in it?

-There's a quiz show in that.

-Apparently, one prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail...

He was only sentenced to five.

This is the border control row threatening the position of the Home Secretary.

Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.

In the end, there were so many, she just waved some of them through. At one point,

border staff let immigrants in without asking basic questions such as, "Do you have a cat?"

Also this week, Chris Huhne's ex-wife revealed he'd told her

their marriage was over at half-time in the World Cup game between Japan and Holland.

The Sun ended the article by giving their readers the information that really mattered.

..thereby taking the three points. Unlike Chris Huhne.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

David Cameron is under fire over the lavish refurbishment of Downing St.

The total cost has soared to £700,000.

To be fair, the Camerons have paid some of it themselves. To be unfair, that's cos they're stinking rich.

Here's a bonus one for you.

Oh, yes, surveillance - the news that the Duke of Cambridge

-and Gary Lineker amongst others have been tailed by private eyes...

-Steve Davis has put on weight.

Looks like we're not going to be able to afford colour here any more.

Surveillance. News International. News Of The World.

They spied on some lawyers, didn't they, who were representing some people who were...

The worrying thing is that the News of the World, in trouble for hacking voicemails,

decided that the way to counter that accusation was to put a private detective

onto members of the Parliamentary Select Committee and the victims.

So James Murdoch was in front of a committee and had to explain why he'd done that.

And of course, he had no idea it was happening. Tom Watson,

the Labour MP, just went for it,

and said, "You're the Mafia, and you're the first Mafia leader

"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."

And this was in a Select Committee. Everyone going, "Oh, really, that's very poor taste, Tom. Ha-ha-ha!"

Someone's lying. James Murdoch's evidence, saying,

"I didn't know anything" is exactly denied by the lawyer of News Of The World, Tom Crone,

the editor, Colin Myler, and one of the journalists, Neville Thurlbeck.

They all say he did know, we did show him the relevant thing.

He said they didn't. How can one possibly tell?

It's their word against his.

-Make your mind up.

-It's not that much like the Mafia, because the Mafia can keep their shit together.

This Derek Webb guy, he's quite like the Mafia.

The only reason the private investigator came out

was he said they didn't pay him "loyalty money". That's very Mafia.

Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.

-Shadows mainly are silent, aren't they?

-Noisy shadow!

When the sun comes out, "Here we are again!" Shut up!

That was a ridiculous list published of the people he was spying on.

As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.

"How does he know so much about football?"

"He must have records at home!"

There's no public interest. John Motson is not going to be involved in a sex scandal. And even if he was,

we don't want to know about it. It'd be Frank Bough all over again.

-I've never recovered from that.

-No.

Me neither. The strange thing about Murdoch's evidence

was it was all done in this very reasonable business speak, with words like "due process" and "proactivity",

but when he's thinking, he makes this noise. He goes, "Aaaahhh..."

After a while, I couldn't get out of my head the mental image of Zippy from Rainbow.

-What was the thing he said about "mind"?

-I think it was "it wasn't a priority", but he kept saying,

"it wasn't top of mind".

Which I've never heard. They asked him,

given he believed there was only one rotten egg, the Royal Reporter,

why, when they told him they had to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor,

he didn't ask more questions, and that was where he said it wasn't "top of mind".

So you're paying out £700,000 to someone you've never heard of,

and you assume it's not a problem.

Very odd way for his brain to work,

that only the thing "top of mind" can be addressed. He probably needed to go to the lavatory at that point.

So whatever, it's not top of mind. Must pee...

Then that goes away and he's forgotten all about the money, because lunch is "top of mind".

-You know, it's totally understandable and he deserves our sympathy.

-Indeed.

But I don't know why you put him

in charge of a large organisation - he's a moron.

APPLAUSE

Who else was followed by the News Of The World?

Ian.

-Ian wasn't followed.

-I'd follow you, Ian.

LAUGHTER

That makes me feel a lot better.

Surely you must have been followed by some sort of private detective?

I was phone-tapped by a detective in the operation before this one.

-Who paid for this?

-Daily Express.

-Well, that's a bit naff -

followed by the Daily Express. Did they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.

True.

They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents, as well, which is weird.

We know they've had sex or he wouldn't exist.

Maybe they are wizards.

Fingers crossed.

Well that's like... >

That dates back to the very beginning of this story.

That extraordinary thing where they were following that detective

and the other presenter from Crimewatch

because they told Rebekah Brooks,

"Well, you know, we're pretty sure they're having sex, those two."

And it turned out they were married.

And I think the police >

pointed this out to Rebekah Brooks at a rather embarrassing meeting.

That's a very rigorous morality from The Sun, isn't it?

-No sex AFTER marriage.

-They must have gone, "Vindicated!

"We knew there was something going on there!"

So while the front page of The Sun

was filled with the usual X Factor drivel,

behind the scenes there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was that?

-One of them was arrested.

-Yes. Up till now, only people

who worked for the News Of The World have been arrested.

What did James Murdoch say?

-He apologised.

-Oh, he knew about it(?)

He just apologised that it had happened at all.

And he said, "If this is true, then I'm going to close down The Sun."

And then outside the church bells were ringing,

-pensioners dancing in the street.

-# Ding-dong the witch is dead! #

-Topless women weeping.

-LAUGHTER

Where will we go?

What was the reaction in The Sun's newsroom to the arrest?

-Did they organise a secret Santa?

-To follow people around...

..to climb down chimneys and take photographs.

Only effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.

In fact one of the Sun journalists told the Independent:

That is a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.

Others said:

-Or "dusk"...

-as it is commonly known.

-Maybe they could relaunch it

-as an evening paper?

-The Daily Moon.

-The Daily Moon?

-Yeah.

-I'd buy that - The Daily Moon.

A big pair of buttocks on it.

Yes, the News of the World may be dead, but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.

The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out

surveillance on the lawyer Mark Lewis, which involved following:

Well, if you are looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.

Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World, was former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy.

That's a tough pub crawl even for a hardened tabloid hack.

And so to Round Two -

The Strengthometer of News!

-Yay!

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

LAUGHTER

BUZZ

Er, this is an unfortunate by-product of malaria. No, this is, um...

This is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,

he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin. They discovered it

when they cut it open and a sea lion fell out.

So this year he's entered the competition again and he's won this time, fair and square.

That's right. This is champion pumpkin grower Barry Truss.

Wow, look at the size of that.

-And look at his pumpkin.

-ANDY: That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.

The world of vegetable growing is very seedy though. Barry has form.

-Oo-er.

-What...

I actually read that out without even knowing it was there.

LAUGHTER

Literally it wasn't top of mind. Um...

-He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.

-Really?

His biggest rival, Pete Glaze, claims that Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.

Truss defended himself, saying that the potential prizewinner simply became too heavy and caved in.

Glaze responded:

That is amazing.

How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations of poisoning

-and kicking in other people's pumpkins?

-He admitted it.

-Yes.

When asked how he always grows the biggest pumpkin, he said:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's, um...

-I tell you want.

-This would make a great episode of Lewis.

-Yeah, it would.

Barry was pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin growing:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is amazing. That's awful. >

And we're laughing at this man's tragedy.

According to the Shropshire Star:

Just what any charity wants -

a massive rotting pumpkin too late for Halloween(!)

I've entered a few vegetable competitions in my time but, to be honest, small potatoes.

Meanwhile,

in trivial news, the body of a four-foot shark has been found in Aberystwyth.

The shark was spotted on a double yellow line by a traffic warden.

The dead-eyed, merciless predator almost gave it a ticket but then moved on.

-INAUDIBLE

-Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

-BUZZ

-These are the Russians who went to Mars. But they didn't go to Mars,

they were in the middle of a hangar in a big metal box for - what was it? - 520 days,

to replicate the time spent in getting to Mars and back. They came out mightily relieved.

Did as many come out as went in? >

Four more came out than went in which they can't figure out.

It was to see how they would psychologically cope with such a long journey in space.

Exactly like going to Mars except you're in a car park in Russia.

They weren't going anywhere.

-They weren't weightless.

-No.

-So they were able to learn the guitar. They learnt Chinese.

Basically they did 520 days and went, "We're fine. We can definitely go to Mars now."

Just because they're able to stay in a shed. By that reckoning, everyone who's in Big Brother can go to Mars.

And should.

How realistic was this simulation? >

Did they have asteroid storms? Did they chuck rocks at it?

Had they painted planet Earth >

and just, every now and then, walk it past the window?

How did the mission simulate the walking around on Mars bit?

They went into a sandpit, didn't they?

Yes. They apparently simulated a landing:

That's Doctor Who, isn't it?

It wasn't all walking around sandpits though. What did Frenchman Romain Charles do to entertain them?

-Played the guitar?

-No.

-Did he do mime?

-No.

-He juggled.

-He did.

-< Oh! Oh, my God!

-According to the Guardian:

Just as well it wasn't weightless, wasn't it? >

That's going to be very...

And are they being richly rewarded for their pioneering work?

Amazon vouchers.

-Are they not paid much?

-They're getting... They are.

Poor Mr Wang!

< Is he the juggler?

And what were they handed as they emerged?

-Sandwiches.

-I imagine so.

Soon after. But initially? According to The Sun they were:

Except for Mr Wang.

-Poor Mr Wang.

-What did Mr Wang do?

-I don't know.

Would he have been given a weed?

These are the six cosmonauts or, to give them their correct term, car-park-onauts...

who simulated a mission to Mars. After 520 days,

they emerged, still friends, apart from the one who kept asking, "Are we there yet?"

The men whiled away the 520 days with various activities including:

So if you're watching, Michael Jackson's doctor, plenty to do!

Meanwhile, the White House this week categorically denied the existence of aliens.

An official statement said:

Well, I'm sure conspiracy theorists would agree that finally draws a line under that(!)

Time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,

The BarCode News.

If you're wondering how much it costs -

BEEP! - £1.99.

And we start with:

< Not as nice as they sound.

Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.

The answer is:

This is Wendy Werkit

of Nashville, who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chicken pox

to parents who want their children to contract the virus at an early age.

-In the old days when I was little, if a kid down the road...

-This is before horses.

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-If a kid down the road

got German measles, you know, all the kids in the street were gathered up and you had a German measles party.

You hung out with the kid, got German measles and got it over and done with. They stopped that practice

because the health and safety people say that passing on infectious diseases isn't good. Um...

-They've ruined leprosy!

-Yeah. >

-It's true! Those leprosy sleepovers were the best things.

-Exactly.

Next. What:

< Orgy.

Utter indifference. >

The answer is:

According to BarCode News:

It was another 20 years before they invented the bell

and flashing lights to call Kevin over to go and check the price.

Next.

ANDY: I'm eating roadkill as part of a calorie-controlled diet.

ROISIN: Oh, I know this. This is the guy, the veggie...

He's a veggie but he'll eat roadkill.

-Am I right?

-No.

It makes sense though.

-What if you run it over though?

-Yes, that's all right. That's not your fault.

That's a grey area.

Is it I'm eating roadkill quiche?

The answer is:

Mother-to-be, Alison Brierley, who gets cravings for eating roadkill.

To be fair, roadkill isn't the worst thing you could eat on the side of the road. There's also Little Chef.

Next. What:

They've got tiny little legs.

ANDY: Their stripiness.

The answer is:

To be honest, it doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes

because, over the years, I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

LAUGHTER

Shall we start a collection?

Yeah.

The pity's worse!

Next:

Give me Phil Collins' phone number. It's a list of strange requests

that people phone up. They say, "Can you phone up about the wind,"

-or something.

-I thought it was David ringing up to ask if you knew any friends.

Yeah, I've been reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service(!)

-That's what they're there for.

-I'm still working my way through

the Department of State for the Environment.

-Give a ring to Agriculture. They're good fun.

-Yes, the answer is:

This is one of the odd requests

made to British consular staff abroad. For younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,

you lucky buggers.

Next.

Don't dump me.

ROISIN: I'm a robot.

ANDY: I think he said... He made the mistake of saying, "It's me or Westlife", "so I dumped him".

Yes, you're right it's:

Westlife fan Jane Holmes

has been to 60 of their concerts and says she screams whenever she sees them.

I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

And finally:

ROISIN: With your eyes.

Is it for dogs? Is it a BARK code?

Ooh!

Deserved more.

I think he got what he deserved.

I'm going for the meal for one sympathy.

You are absolutely right.

It's BARK code.

-Yes!

-Yay!

This is the company that produces the BarkCode - barcodes for pets that enable them to be traced.

The company involved donate a proportion of its profits towards:

Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities who always stop you for money in the streets.

So...

the final scores are -

Ian and Roisin

have 4 points but Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with 9.

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that at the G20,

not everyone is aware that Argentina's President,

Cristina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.

During a break at the G20s, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.

And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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