Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Can you turn your mobiles off? It's really embarrassing when they...

go off during the run. Very unprofessional.

This won't go off.

Oh, God.

Can I help? I do a similar thing for my mother sometimes.

This programme contains strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens.

In the news this week - at a meeting of the world's top economists,

the conclusion is that the only way out of the global financial crisis

is to make the younger generation pay for it.

At the White House, life comes full circle

as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.

Wow! LAUGHTER

And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

One jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's paycheck.

With Ian is a performer who in 2003 was nominated for Best Newcomer

at the Edinburgh Fringe alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.

Where's MacIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that?

He's at the Liverpool Arena playing to 11,000 people

as part of a sell-out national tour? Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

With Paul is a stand-up comedian

who was once described by The Times as Hobbit-like.

I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable

and not because she's got massive hairy feet.

-Please welcome Susan Calman.

-APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Susan, take a look at this.

Yes, this is the News International story, the phone hacking,

the Hugh Grant, there's the editor

of the News of the World doing some research.

That's my twin sister. Yeah.

-That's me. Clearly.

-That is somebody from 1892

and Steve Coogan who was giving evidence as well.

This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord Leveson is looking into this.

There were some grim stories about non-celebrities

and some other stories as well. The stuff keeps cascading out.

Yes, it was celebrities first, then the really grim stories,

and then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press,

which obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one.

But eventually I hope he gets round to the point that

we have only got an inquiry because a journalist

actually discovered this story. No MPs, not a policeman, not a judge,

it was a journalist who uncovered it. I'm hoping we won't throw out

the entire baby with the bath water.

What do you think the solution could be?

If you start regulating the press, then you have difficulties.

As you say you never would have found out about MPs' allowances.

There are endless solutions to this. The basic one is that

we have laws and nobody obeyed them.

And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will say,

"I think journalists should probably obey the laws."

All these activities are illegal and it would help

if the police enforced them.

It probably would help if they weren't working for the News of the World.

So there is a problem there. If the politicians' leaders are saying

it is really important to us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch

because, otherwise, his papers won't say "Vote Conservative"

or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown," you don't have a great incentive.

I should just go and give my evidence direct!

APPLAUSE

I gather Lord Leveson is going to call the most important witnesses next who are members of the public.

A number of them apparently bought the News of the World

at some stage in the last 20 years.

I hope he's going to ask them why.

I mean, when you look at the history of public hanging,

it only stopped because it was so popular, they couldn't

handle the crowds, not because there was revulsion

amongst the public - we don't want to see people being hung.

I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about 25 years ago

and a fight broke out between two guys and it was exciting -

one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a fight every time

I went into the pub just because it was exciting that time.

But that analogy would be that you go to the pub

and it says, "Fight Tonight Inside, 25p" and then you would go every Sunday.

They wouldn't do that in a pub because you are not allowed to do that.

-Are you not?

-No, you are not allowed to advertise fights in pubs.

To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight.

-It is like happy hour there, isn't it?

-Just before the bingo,

we have a wee bit of a cagefight and then everyone has a Babysham

and settles down. It is lovely. You should come up some time, they'd love you.

-I went to Govan once.

-Did you?

-I was trying to make a documentary.

I got out of the car, into the street and a bloke came straight up

and said, "You're out of your depth here, pal!"

Yes, Hugh Grant was indeed appearing this week.

He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from the counsel

to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say to him?

It was along the lines of,

"You spoke to me earlier and promised me a few straight deliveries,

-"but you're delivering nothing but googlies."

-He said...

That would be an invasion of privacy on a pretty massive scale.

Does anybody know what else we learnt from Hugh this week?

His middle name is Mungo.

-Is it?

-Yeah. Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it,

I'm obsessed with him.

-Is it the hair that does it?

-It is everything.

I really enjoy the work of our premier-like comic actor.

In a way, this is about the global recession.

More and more movie stars are doing television at the moment

and this is his way of doing it, I suppose.

Do you think a lot of agents are ringing up Lord Leveson saying,

"Can you get my boy on?"

As a huge fan of Hugh you may know that the mother of his baby

Tinglan Hong received a threatening message from a reporter

after Hugh Grant's appearance on Question Time.

Do you know what they said to him?

"If he doesn't be quiet, we are going to fund a sequel

"to Have You Heard About The Morgans?"

-You really are a fan!

-Yes.

I think they said, "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the fuck up."

That is exactly what they said.

Standards have slipped at the Telegraph, haven't they?

Whose good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this inquiry?

He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail

might have been involved in phone hacking,

which they refute entirely, I understand.

The Daily Mail utterly refute this.

The Daily Mail does not want to be associated in any way with phone hacking.

The last thing the Daily Mail wants

is for its name to appear in the same headline

as a phone hacking scandal.

-OK.

-Has that cleared that up?

-Next week, Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal!

While the inquiry into the press intrusion has been going on,

what have certain idiots on Twitter been doing?

Using it.

There was a particular person who attracted their attention.

-The woman on the left.

-Indeed, the woman on the left -

Carine Patry Hoskins, she's the junior counsel to the inquiry.

She was apparently listening intently to Hugh Grant as he testified.

Why on earth would a lawyer want to do that in court?

But you used to be a lawyer, didn't you?

No, that's a misnomer.

I tried a couple of court cases, but they found out after a while.

I'm sorry, you were talking...

It was slightly distressing because the woman on the left,

she went to Glasgow University as I did,

I made me feel quite unwell that the person who stayed in law

had a greater televisual presence than I did.

Also we heard from Steve Coogan.

Did anybody hear any of the methods the News of the World used to get stories on him?

They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty underhand.

Yes, it all seemed quite above board.

Showbiz reporter and casual friend of Coogan's Raj Singh rang him up

to tell him the News of the World had a kiss-and-tell story on him.

If he confirmed some of the less salacious details,

the paper would keep the more lurid details out of the paper.

-So then what happened?

-They didn't.

-They put them all in.

-According to Coogan...

Thank God Andy Coulson never went on to hold a position of trust.

How did Coogan describe the behaviour of the News of the World?

Disappointing.

-Excellent.

-He described it as...

A-ha!

Coogan claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.

-What did he mean by that?

-A pact with the devil.

Just because he is a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life.

Indeed. Most tabloid reporters thought Faustian Pact

was Manchester City's new striker.

Did anybody read anything about other cast members

in the phone-hacking scandal this week?

Rebekah Wade, the former editor of the News of the World and The Sun

is having a baby.

But it's through a surrogate and she's asked for privacy.

That's correct. She's expecting a baby via a surrogate mother

or as The Sun might have put it...

APPLAUSE

We're not the only country

trying to impose higher standards in public life.

What are they trying to do in Pakistan?

Going to censor the use of certain words in text messages.

That's right. There is a committee that's drawn up a list

of over a thousand offensive and sexual words to be banned.

Does anybody know any of them? A bonus point if you know the Urdu.

Just on bonus point for that? That seems pretty mean.

We don't know. Give us the top thousand.

I can give you some of them.

Flogging the dolphin?! Never heard of that.

This is the inquiry into newspaper standards. The Leveson Inquiry heard

evidence that on a number of occasions, News of the World

journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins. In fact they still do

but nowadays they're scavenging for food.

At the inquiry, Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press had made

inaccurate claims about the size of her divorce settlement,

saying the coverage was "hurtful, inaccurate and untrue".

Coincidentally, also the motto of the News of the World.

Ian and Miles, take a look at this.

That's Ed Balls wiping away a tear.

That is Eric Knowles and I can't remember the woman's name.

-That is the Health Secretary.

-Is he on Antiques' Roadshow now?

-A Northern Rock customer. There we are, that's...

-Gaddafi.

Oh no, it isn't.

-The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a human side.

-Yes.

-And he weeps.

When he watches Ed Miliband in the House of Commons,

he just cries.

-He weeps when he's watching Antiques' Roadshow.

-Of course.

When I read about it, it said the bit he found really extraordinary

was when someone comes in and they found an heirloom

that is worth a huge amount of money. Then he remembered he was

meant to be a member of the Labour Party. And he said,

"But they think - oh, it's worth more to me than all that money,

"so I won't sell it." And that's what makes him cry.

He also weeps at The Sound Of Music.

-Again, it was interesting...

-The film or just any musical?

That would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it?

He weeps at the bit where the Baroness is brought back

to the house by the Admiral, whatever he is,

and the children perform the song. Why is that emotional?

It is incredibly moving.

Maybe it is something in his childhood,

-maybe it's a repressed memory.

-Something in his youthful childhood?!

He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...

Apparently Nick Griffin also cries when he watches The Sound of Music,

that is only because the Nazis lose at the end.

We also found out that Ed's favourite song to sing at karaoke parties is?

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To!

Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

-It is close.

-Was it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere?

It was...

The other news in that montage?

Branson's taken over a failing bank.

Northern Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over.

Except not all of it. He's taken over the bit that's called

a good bank and he's bought that but £21 billion of debt remains

with the taxpayer. So a good bargain for us(!)

And he got it £400 million cheaper than we paid for the good bit,

so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.

Yes, according to the Times,

the Government is accepting in part payment an "IOU" of £150 million.

Since when did the Government start accepting "IOUs"?!

I might try it myself. I've had a decent year, but you know how it is!

Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern Rock?

-You sort of answered this already.

-No, I don't think he is.

I reckon we are going to end up still owning £21 billion worth of debt.

I am bloody livid about it, Dan. Try getting me off this topic!

Before we go any further, shall we cheer ourselves up

with a picture of Teresa May from the Telegraph on Wednesday?

Lovely! Fantastic!

Anyone who can pull a face like that can't be all bad.

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been popping up everywhere this week.

What's he been up to?

There's a scheme of putting screens by hospital beds and you're ill,

you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen.

And I think he says, "Your custom is very important to us.

"I'm sorry about the delay in your operation, or treatment..."

-and then he plays Vivaldi.

-And table tennis! Fantastic.

He's done a video to be shown on screens above the beds in hospitals.

The problem is it is on a three-minute loop

and it is driving people bonkers.

You can turn him off, does anybody know how?

-If you pay, that is the thing. If you...

-What?!

It's the hospital entertainment system and you have to pay £5

to get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.

And if you don't pay the £5,

then you get Andrew Lansley on a loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming."

Absolutely right. The Independent pointed out...

As if they haven't suffered enough. They went on...

Does anybody know what the message to patients says?

Hurry up and die, there's a queue? I am from another planet.

I have access to your life-support machine.

-Has he got hypnotic eyes?

-Yes.

"There is not much wrong with you, you know."

You could leave now! Get off the bed, jump out of the window!

What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?

Eat the unemployed?

Bring a quiche to work day?

He's got the smallest features on a human face since time began.

Eric Pickles has announced a scheme to set up a curry college,

to teach British chefs how to cook curry.

It's an ambitious scheme but the Government's confident they can deliver,

if you are within a three-mile radius.

-Turning to the House of Lords finally.

-Yeah, great! Get stuck in!

-House of Lords, yeah!

-How did the noble lady Baroness Trumpington

distinguish herself in the chamber recently?

She flicked a V sign.

-She's 80 something, isn't she?

-Yes.

Lord King made a reference to her age during a speech and she responded by doing this...

I think he said she's 84 and she said, "No, two."

At the college, chefs will learn all the necessary skills

from combining the perfect mix of spices to create

a mouth-watering balti to chucking some unnecessary salad

into a warm plastic bag.

This was the Government selling of Northern Rock to Virgin Money.

After selling Northern Rock at a loss of £400 million,

George Osborne described it as...

"The best possible deal," which raises two questions.

What would constitute a worst deal?

And, George, can I interest you in some magic beans?

NHS patients have been complaining that hospital TVs

are running a patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop.

This has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out,

"I can't take it any more, just switch the machine off!"

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the Cloche of News.

Carson the Butler will lift the cloche revealing an item or items

relating to a news story of the week. Finger on buzzers.

BUZZER Was this the film of the gentleman

chasing his dog, Benton?

A dog was chasing deer and he was just screaming, "Benton! Benton!"

He's not come forward, but some youth was filming it

on his mobile telephone device

and it's got over one million hits on YouTube?

-Is the right answer.

-Is that the right answer?!

APPLAUSE

Shall we have a look at internet sensation Benton?

If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we can't!

Benton! Benton!

Benton! Benton! BENTON!

BENTON! BENTON! BENTON!

Oh Jesus Christ! BENTON! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Following this, Benton went viral and he and...

-Why?!

-He and Jesus Christ...

-Why would people think that's entertaining?

Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the background,

some bloke shouting "Benton!" And millions have watched it?

I'm in the wrong business.

Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?

-He's a glove puppet!

-His real name is Fenton.

Is absolutely right.

No!

-How do you know this?

-I only know this cos it appears in newspapers.

Does anybody know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?

Humanity Reaches Bottom Of The Barrel?

We are all doomed.

Would the last person to leave the planet tell Fenton?

Human Beings Duped Into Watching Crap on New Invention.

It was, "Calm down deer!"

AUDIENCE GROAN

-The Sun ended the report...

-This just gets worse and worse!

-Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story, anywhere?

-No!

The Sun ended its report, saying:

And the good news is they have tracked down Benton and his owner

and the dog has been destroyed.

Only joking, animal lovers.

That was the best bit!

People are now selling t-shirts with the picture of Benton.

-Are people buying them?

-I have only bought three!

So somebody was filming it, thinking,

"I can't believe the stuff I'm getting here! This is magical!"

I mean, why watch David Attenborough, when you've got THAT?!

MIMICS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: "Fenton, is here, in Richmond Park.

"The deer are over there,

"the mobile phone man is there,

"and the internet...is everywhere."

Pete Wedderburn, the vet, helpfully explained that:

Thanks very much, Pete(!)

In other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...

Pigeon Takes Off From Roof!

With no apparent motive.

This is all that is going to be left of the press after this inquiry!

Animal stories!

Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,

has been up to this week?

Did he shove a banana up Barry Watson?

Did he win a contest?

Who judged him the most sarcastic gorilla?

Were there hundreds of them turning up? Going, "Yeah(!)"

Gavin lives in Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro:

It's not all violence and sarcasm in the animal world.

Who has been showing a more artistic side, this week?

Oh, God!

-A spaniel has opened a watercolour exhibition.

-Yes. Exactly.

A dachshund has perfected an impression of Charles Dance.

"How do you do?

"Any dinner?"

No. This artistic animal is Gary the Gerbil Ballerina.

Oh, don't say we're going to be looking

at a picture of a gerbil wearing a tutu!

We are!

Let's see Gary in action.

He's not dancing!

SUSAN: He's just hungry!

The rest of the clip

does get a bit distressing after that, though.

We can't show you the end of it, but it goes,

"Benton, Benton, Jesus Christ, Benton."

This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit

after chasing deer in Richmond Park.

The next time Benton's owner visited the park,

he took no chances, left the dog at home and went on his bike.

Now that was worth seeing!

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

This is the cheapest sandwich you can possible make,

just bread with toast in the middle of it.

Is the right answer.

This is the news that the toast sandwich has been declared

the most economical meal possible

in these austere times.

How much does the toast sandwich cost to assemble?

8 pence. About 8 pence, or something like that.

It may be by now, I have 7.5 pence.

There's cutlery and stuff you need, presumably.

-You don't need anything.

-You need a toaster!

Who can get a toaster for 7.5p?

How would you go about making a toast sandwich, Miles?

A toast sandwich? Uh, well, I would...

bake some bread.

Uh, and then I would slice it,

then I would... It's a bread sandwich, isn't it?

So there's no toast involved?

Just three slices of bread in a pile.

I wouldn't even turn the Dualit on.

Who exactly has been pushing this culinary delight?

Sir Compton MacKenzie, author of Whisky Galore?

-Uh, no...

-No? Not him?

According to the Mail the recipe has been unveiled by the:

Also known as the Ministry of Yum.

How confident is the Royal Society

that they've found the most economical lunch?

Extremely confident. They're boasting about it.

"We have found the most economical lunch", they say.

They are:

What we used to eat at school was a sugar sandwich.

Deprived youth(!)

To be fair, the sugar did come from your own plantation.

-Delicious.

-An open butter sandwich.

That's just one... No toast. Toasting is too expensive.

One piece of bread, with butter on it.

It's an open bread sandwich.

It's bread. Bread!

Flour.

A spoonful of flour.

Put it in your mouth then just take some water out of the tap.

Rainwater is cheaper.

The Guardian couldn't beat them on price

but did suggest a far superior culinary experience of:

Ah, the devils!

-When did the society...

-The Brevilles!

-Nice.

-Very good.

-I don't know.

-Product placement, or something.

-Is it?

-I don't know.

There are other toastie makers available.

I've got a Dualit one. It's excellent.

That's twice you've got them in.

They make very good stuff.

Where did the Royal Society get this recipe from?

An old austerity book. Er...How We Ate In The 1850s.

It was from none other than the woman who gave us the:

Mrs Beaton. In her recipe book she described the toast sandwich as:

Toast fans will be pleased to hear

Mrs Beaton had more in her toast range.

She also came up with:

Yes, it's a:

Although Mrs Beaton did take pains to point out:

In other health-related news,

what has the NHS introduced to help battle the obesity epidemic?

A tray that tells you when you've had enough to eat.

-A talking plate?

-Yeah.

-It is.

The plate costs £1,500. It's known as the Mandometer.

Anybody know how it works?

It tells you when you've eaten too much, eaten too quickly.

"Slow down. Do not eat so fast.

"Put down the potato.

"You must not eat any more.

"Have more cabbage.

"Chew your food.

"Don't eat plate."

Stuff like that.

More or less.

"Have you seen the internet today?

"Amateur video-cam footage on.

"End of message."

It's quite simple. The plate weighs the food and monitors the rate

at which it disappears.

A screen shows graphics of the food disappearing at a healthy speed

and compares it with the fatso's actual rate.

If you took the potato off and put it back again would it assume

you were being sick? "Are you bulimic?"

This is the austerity sandwich.

Consisting of just three slices of bread the toast sandwich costs 7.5p,

or, if you can't be bothered to make it yourself,

Pret A Manger do a great one for £3.95.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Ted Heath, Harry Belafonte,

Larry the Downing Street cat, and this.

ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYS

BELL

Yes?

LAUGHTER

Getting desperate!

That's the clip that wins us the BAFTA(!)

Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for joining the BNP.

I think I have had a tweet from the Downing Street cat

which, again, will pile upon the fact

that people think I'm an incredibly sad cat lady - and I am.

I get tweets from other cats!

I dress my cats up, in more than that bow tie.

You have to make an effort.

-How do you dress the cats up?

-Well...!

Well, it depends. We have themed days.

If you cut the fingers off gloves

they make leg warmers for Fame Day.

And then, you've got to be careful if you make any trousers,

cats don't have hips, so you have to make braces.

Otherwise they will slide off.

There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling off!

I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there, certainly.

-Is it mice?

-It is something to do with sleep.

Larry the cat is meant to be in Downing Street

to get mice.

But he is asleep all the time.

When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?

I better tell you. They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't,

apart from Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.

Weightless, by Manchester group, Marconi Union,

has recently beaten Coldplay and Enya

to the title of world's most relaxing song.

It is insufferably dull.

Ted Heath dozed off

whilst talking to the Queen at his 80th birthday bash.

thrown by John and Norma Major.

How did the Queen take this slight to her conversation skills?

She drew a cock on his forehead!

John Major said:

Harry Belafonte appeared on an American chat show

to discuss his new book.

When they cut to the satellite feed, he appeared to be sleeping.

Still, far worse things can happen when you interview a veteran singer.

The next day's guest was Cliff Richard,

who stayed wide awake and spoke at length on a range of subjects!

Larry the cat has been falling asleep

during the day at Downton Street when he should be...

Downton Street?!

LAUGHTER

There's a serious category confusion there!

I know it is important, Dan,

but it is not actually the centre of Government(!)

You accidentally said Dualit Street!

Oh, no(!) Beg your pardon!

Larry has been falling asleep

during the day at Downing Street when he should be catching rats,

because he's been staying up all night

with his new girlfriend, Maisie.

Larry is now so lax at his job David Cameron was forced to take matters into his own hands this week.

-What did he do?

-He caught a rat?

Did he pick it up with his bare hands and...

Like Putin? That is how it works in Russia.

Big pictures of Putin killing deer.

Over here, Cameron, "Oh it's a mouse!"

Putin! Putin! Oh, Jesus Christ! Putin!

According to the Telegraph:

He missed, obviously.

He said, "It wasn't a target, it was an aspiration!"

According to the Mail on Sunday, he actually said:

That is what the Queen said to Edward Heath?

According to the Sun, Larry is too tired to catch mice

after spending most of his time with another cat called Masie

whose owner insists:

Although Maisie has an official looking business card

with "advisor to Larry" printed on it.

Time for the Missing Words round.

This week it features as guest publication The Chap,

a journal for the modern gentleman.

We start with:

MILES: One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.

Scarf and hotpants combo.

Geordie accent.

MILES: Chest wig.

-It is tattoo just won't come off.

-She had a henna tattoo.

The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo

that she can't scrub off.

According to the Daily Mail one suggested remedy is to:

As if Charles' footman doesn't have enough to do!

Next:

MILES: Bomb-making equipment and a healthy disregard for the law.

An even tempered approach to life and a winning eye for the ladies.

They still talk in Croydon of that night

Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice and I gave them my Widow Twankey.

Says, "Yes I f...ing do!"

Character work, Mr Hislop?

Watch out, Dan!

-He's auditioning!

-The next series of Downton!

This Heidi Withers,

described by her future mother-in-law

as "staggeringly uncouth" in an email that went viral,

has got her own back by appearing in Country Life's famous:

Zara Phillips, whose husband appeared

in the 'Boys with dwarves' section.

Keith Vaz is Jazz!

MILES: Secretly Welsh.

Openly Welsh!

Actually, that's not really a headline,

just some graffiti on a van somebody kindly sent in.

Here it is.

So if I send in pictures of me and the cats next week, that'll make it?

Absolutely.

Oh! We could do a Downton Abbey special!

Yes!

I don't know if I can make a wee wheelchair but I'll try my best!

Tissue box, some wheels!

Halfway through, the cat springs out of it!

"I got a tingling in my whiskers!"

The London Philharmonic Orchestra?

A tiny cravat.

It's not at all close.

A big cravat.

It is in fact:

This is Chantel Faill, who had an accident

with a pool cue, back in 1999,

after the incident she went to casualty,

but doctors just gave her two free shots.

Next...

"I wouldn't go in there for a bit."

SUSAN: What people usually say when they come out of the toilet now

is, "those Dyson airblades really are much better."

I think they're very unsettling.

-Do you?

-But it's fantastic, the noise.

"Wuuuuh!"

No! It sort of makes the back of your hands look all scrotum-y!

You're using the wrong kind of soap.

This is David Beckham, who bumped into the star in a toilet in LA.

To Beckham's further surprise

Jack then went over to the condom machine and announced,

"Heeeeere's Johnny!"

-They are seven foot long.

-Very close.

-They go like that. "Pah!"

Close. They are:

This is from a celebration of facial hair in The Chap magazine.

Alf Garrald and his cheek hedgehogs.

Anybody else think he might smoke to the right?

And finally:

Question Time.

Wife.

It is in fact:

And here is said tomato.

The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup

and market it alongside Eva Braun sauce.

AUDIENCE GROAN

The final scores are: Ian and Miles have two,

but Paul and Susan are the winners with five.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition.

Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity!

MILES: Sarge, we just thought this would be quicker

than turning the place upside-down!

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Miles Jupp, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.

I leave you with news that at a sports meeting at Crystal Palace,

organisers admit it was a mistake

to hold the women's 800 metres at the same time as the shooting!

After his eye operation is a complete success,

the paparazzi catch Pudsey Bear celebrating with his nurse.

And in Windsor, the Queen steadfastly refuses

to fall a second time for Prince Philip's pull my finger routine.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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