Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Can you turn your mobiles off? It's really embarrassing when they...

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go off during the run. Very unprofessional.

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This won't go off.

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Oh, God.

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Can I help? I do a similar thing for my mother sometimes.

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This programme contains strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens.

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In the news this week - at a meeting of the world's top economists,

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the conclusion is that the only way out of the global financial crisis

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is to make the younger generation pay for it.

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At the White House, life comes full circle

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as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.

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Wow! LAUGHTER

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And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

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One jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's paycheck.

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With Ian is a performer who in 2003 was nominated for Best Newcomer

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at the Edinburgh Fringe alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.

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Where's MacIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that?

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He's at the Liverpool Arena playing to 11,000 people

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as part of a sell-out national tour? Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is a stand-up comedian

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who was once described by The Times as Hobbit-like.

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I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable

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and not because she's got massive hairy feet.

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-Please welcome Susan Calman.

-APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Susan, take a look at this.

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Yes, this is the News International story, the phone hacking,

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the Hugh Grant, there's the editor

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of the News of the World doing some research.

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That's my twin sister. Yeah.

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-That's me. Clearly.

-That is somebody from 1892

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and Steve Coogan who was giving evidence as well.

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This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord Leveson is looking into this.

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There were some grim stories about non-celebrities

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and some other stories as well. The stuff keeps cascading out.

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Yes, it was celebrities first, then the really grim stories,

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and then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press,

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which obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one.

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But eventually I hope he gets round to the point that

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we have only got an inquiry because a journalist

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actually discovered this story. No MPs, not a policeman, not a judge,

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it was a journalist who uncovered it. I'm hoping we won't throw out

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the entire baby with the bath water.

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What do you think the solution could be?

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If you start regulating the press, then you have difficulties.

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As you say you never would have found out about MPs' allowances.

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There are endless solutions to this. The basic one is that

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we have laws and nobody obeyed them.

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And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will say,

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"I think journalists should probably obey the laws."

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All these activities are illegal and it would help

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if the police enforced them.

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It probably would help if they weren't working for the News of the World.

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So there is a problem there. If the politicians' leaders are saying

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it is really important to us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch

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because, otherwise, his papers won't say "Vote Conservative"

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or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown," you don't have a great incentive.

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I should just go and give my evidence direct!

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APPLAUSE

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I gather Lord Leveson is going to call the most important witnesses next who are members of the public.

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A number of them apparently bought the News of the World

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at some stage in the last 20 years.

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I hope he's going to ask them why.

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I mean, when you look at the history of public hanging,

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it only stopped because it was so popular, they couldn't

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handle the crowds, not because there was revulsion

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amongst the public - we don't want to see people being hung.

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I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about 25 years ago

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and a fight broke out between two guys and it was exciting -

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one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a fight every time

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I went into the pub just because it was exciting that time.

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But that analogy would be that you go to the pub

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and it says, "Fight Tonight Inside, 25p" and then you would go every Sunday.

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They wouldn't do that in a pub because you are not allowed to do that.

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-Are you not?

-No, you are not allowed to advertise fights in pubs.

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To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight.

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-It is like happy hour there, isn't it?

-Just before the bingo,

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we have a wee bit of a cagefight and then everyone has a Babysham

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and settles down. It is lovely. You should come up some time, they'd love you.

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-I went to Govan once.

-Did you?

-I was trying to make a documentary.

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I got out of the car, into the street and a bloke came straight up

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and said, "You're out of your depth here, pal!"

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Yes, Hugh Grant was indeed appearing this week.

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He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from the counsel

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to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say to him?

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It was along the lines of,

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"You spoke to me earlier and promised me a few straight deliveries,

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-"but you're delivering nothing but googlies."

-He said...

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That would be an invasion of privacy on a pretty massive scale.

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Does anybody know what else we learnt from Hugh this week?

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His middle name is Mungo.

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-Is it?

-Yeah. Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it,

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I'm obsessed with him.

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-Is it the hair that does it?

-It is everything.

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I really enjoy the work of our premier-like comic actor.

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In a way, this is about the global recession.

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More and more movie stars are doing television at the moment

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and this is his way of doing it, I suppose.

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Do you think a lot of agents are ringing up Lord Leveson saying,

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"Can you get my boy on?"

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As a huge fan of Hugh you may know that the mother of his baby

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Tinglan Hong received a threatening message from a reporter

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after Hugh Grant's appearance on Question Time.

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Do you know what they said to him?

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"If he doesn't be quiet, we are going to fund a sequel

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"to Have You Heard About The Morgans?"

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-You really are a fan!

-Yes.

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I think they said, "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the fuck up."

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That is exactly what they said.

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Standards have slipped at the Telegraph, haven't they?

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Whose good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this inquiry?

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He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail

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might have been involved in phone hacking,

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which they refute entirely, I understand.

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The Daily Mail utterly refute this.

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The Daily Mail does not want to be associated in any way with phone hacking.

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The last thing the Daily Mail wants

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is for its name to appear in the same headline

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as a phone hacking scandal.

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-OK.

-Has that cleared that up?

-Next week, Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal!

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While the inquiry into the press intrusion has been going on,

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what have certain idiots on Twitter been doing?

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Using it.

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There was a particular person who attracted their attention.

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-The woman on the left.

-Indeed, the woman on the left -

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Carine Patry Hoskins, she's the junior counsel to the inquiry.

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She was apparently listening intently to Hugh Grant as he testified.

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Why on earth would a lawyer want to do that in court?

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But you used to be a lawyer, didn't you?

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No, that's a misnomer.

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I tried a couple of court cases, but they found out after a while.

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I'm sorry, you were talking...

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It was slightly distressing because the woman on the left,

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she went to Glasgow University as I did,

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I made me feel quite unwell that the person who stayed in law

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had a greater televisual presence than I did.

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Also we heard from Steve Coogan.

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Did anybody hear any of the methods the News of the World used to get stories on him?

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They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty underhand.

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Yes, it all seemed quite above board.

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Showbiz reporter and casual friend of Coogan's Raj Singh rang him up

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to tell him the News of the World had a kiss-and-tell story on him.

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If he confirmed some of the less salacious details,

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the paper would keep the more lurid details out of the paper.

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-So then what happened?

-They didn't.

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-They put them all in.

-According to Coogan...

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Thank God Andy Coulson never went on to hold a position of trust.

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How did Coogan describe the behaviour of the News of the World?

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Disappointing.

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-Excellent.

-He described it as...

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A-ha!

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Coogan claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.

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-What did he mean by that?

-A pact with the devil.

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Just because he is a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life.

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Indeed. Most tabloid reporters thought Faustian Pact

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was Manchester City's new striker.

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Did anybody read anything about other cast members

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in the phone-hacking scandal this week?

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Rebekah Wade, the former editor of the News of the World and The Sun

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is having a baby.

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But it's through a surrogate and she's asked for privacy.

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That's correct. She's expecting a baby via a surrogate mother

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or as The Sun might have put it...

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APPLAUSE

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We're not the only country

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trying to impose higher standards in public life.

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What are they trying to do in Pakistan?

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Going to censor the use of certain words in text messages.

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That's right. There is a committee that's drawn up a list

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of over a thousand offensive and sexual words to be banned.

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Does anybody know any of them? A bonus point if you know the Urdu.

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Just on bonus point for that? That seems pretty mean.

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We don't know. Give us the top thousand.

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I can give you some of them.

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Flogging the dolphin?! Never heard of that.

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This is the inquiry into newspaper standards. The Leveson Inquiry heard

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evidence that on a number of occasions, News of the World

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journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins. In fact they still do

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but nowadays they're scavenging for food.

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At the inquiry, Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press had made

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inaccurate claims about the size of her divorce settlement,

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saying the coverage was "hurtful, inaccurate and untrue".

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Coincidentally, also the motto of the News of the World.

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Ian and Miles, take a look at this.

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That's Ed Balls wiping away a tear.

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That is Eric Knowles and I can't remember the woman's name.

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-That is the Health Secretary.

-Is he on Antiques' Roadshow now?

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-A Northern Rock customer. There we are, that's...

-Gaddafi.

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Oh no, it isn't.

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-The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a human side.

-Yes.

-And he weeps.

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When he watches Ed Miliband in the House of Commons,

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he just cries.

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-He weeps when he's watching Antiques' Roadshow.

-Of course.

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When I read about it, it said the bit he found really extraordinary

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was when someone comes in and they found an heirloom

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that is worth a huge amount of money. Then he remembered he was

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meant to be a member of the Labour Party. And he said,

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"But they think - oh, it's worth more to me than all that money,

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"so I won't sell it." And that's what makes him cry.

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He also weeps at The Sound Of Music.

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-Again, it was interesting...

-The film or just any musical?

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That would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it?

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He weeps at the bit where the Baroness is brought back

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to the house by the Admiral, whatever he is,

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and the children perform the song. Why is that emotional?

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It is incredibly moving.

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Maybe it is something in his childhood,

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-maybe it's a repressed memory.

-Something in his youthful childhood?!

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He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...

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Apparently Nick Griffin also cries when he watches The Sound of Music,

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that is only because the Nazis lose at the end.

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We also found out that Ed's favourite song to sing at karaoke parties is?

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It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To!

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Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

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-It is close.

-Was it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere?

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It was...

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The other news in that montage?

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Branson's taken over a failing bank.

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Northern Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over.

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Except not all of it. He's taken over the bit that's called

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a good bank and he's bought that but £21 billion of debt remains

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with the taxpayer. So a good bargain for us(!)

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And he got it £400 million cheaper than we paid for the good bit,

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so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.

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Yes, according to the Times,

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the Government is accepting in part payment an "IOU" of £150 million.

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Since when did the Government start accepting "IOUs"?!

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I might try it myself. I've had a decent year, but you know how it is!

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Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern Rock?

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-You sort of answered this already.

-No, I don't think he is.

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I reckon we are going to end up still owning £21 billion worth of debt.

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I am bloody livid about it, Dan. Try getting me off this topic!

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Before we go any further, shall we cheer ourselves up

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with a picture of Teresa May from the Telegraph on Wednesday?

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Lovely! Fantastic!

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Anyone who can pull a face like that can't be all bad.

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Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been popping up everywhere this week.

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What's he been up to?

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There's a scheme of putting screens by hospital beds and you're ill,

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you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen.

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And I think he says, "Your custom is very important to us.

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"I'm sorry about the delay in your operation, or treatment..."

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-and then he plays Vivaldi.

-And table tennis! Fantastic.

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He's done a video to be shown on screens above the beds in hospitals.

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The problem is it is on a three-minute loop

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and it is driving people bonkers.

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You can turn him off, does anybody know how?

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-If you pay, that is the thing. If you...

-What?!

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It's the hospital entertainment system and you have to pay £5

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to get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.

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And if you don't pay the £5,

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then you get Andrew Lansley on a loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming."

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Absolutely right. The Independent pointed out...

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As if they haven't suffered enough. They went on...

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Does anybody know what the message to patients says?

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Hurry up and die, there's a queue? I am from another planet.

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I have access to your life-support machine.

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-Has he got hypnotic eyes?

-Yes.

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"There is not much wrong with you, you know."

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You could leave now! Get off the bed, jump out of the window!

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What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?

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Eat the unemployed?

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Bring a quiche to work day?

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He's got the smallest features on a human face since time began.

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Eric Pickles has announced a scheme to set up a curry college,

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to teach British chefs how to cook curry.

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It's an ambitious scheme but the Government's confident they can deliver,

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if you are within a three-mile radius.

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-Turning to the House of Lords finally.

-Yeah, great! Get stuck in!

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-House of Lords, yeah!

-How did the noble lady Baroness Trumpington

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distinguish herself in the chamber recently?

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She flicked a V sign.

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-She's 80 something, isn't she?

-Yes.

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Lord King made a reference to her age during a speech and she responded by doing this...

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I think he said she's 84 and she said, "No, two."

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At the college, chefs will learn all the necessary skills

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from combining the perfect mix of spices to create

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a mouth-watering balti to chucking some unnecessary salad

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into a warm plastic bag.

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This was the Government selling of Northern Rock to Virgin Money.

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After selling Northern Rock at a loss of £400 million,

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George Osborne described it as...

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"The best possible deal," which raises two questions.

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What would constitute a worst deal?

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And, George, can I interest you in some magic beans?

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NHS patients have been complaining that hospital TVs

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are running a patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop.

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This has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out,

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"I can't take it any more, just switch the machine off!"

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APPLAUSE

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And so to Round Two, the Cloche of News.

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Carson the Butler will lift the cloche revealing an item or items

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relating to a news story of the week. Finger on buzzers.

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BUZZER Was this the film of the gentleman

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chasing his dog, Benton?

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A dog was chasing deer and he was just screaming, "Benton! Benton!"

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He's not come forward, but some youth was filming it

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on his mobile telephone device

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and it's got over one million hits on YouTube?

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-Is the right answer.

-Is that the right answer?!

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APPLAUSE

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Shall we have a look at internet sensation Benton?

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If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we can't!

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Benton! Benton!

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Benton! Benton! BENTON!

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BENTON! BENTON! BENTON!

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Oh Jesus Christ! BENTON! LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-Following this, Benton went viral and he and...

-Why?!

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-He and Jesus Christ...

-Why would people think that's entertaining?

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Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the background,

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some bloke shouting "Benton!" And millions have watched it?

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I'm in the wrong business.

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Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?

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-He's a glove puppet!

-His real name is Fenton.

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Is absolutely right.

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No!

0:21:150:21:18

-How do you know this?

-I only know this cos it appears in newspapers.

0:21:200:21:24

Does anybody know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?

0:21:240:21:28

Humanity Reaches Bottom Of The Barrel?

0:21:280:21:33

We are all doomed.

0:21:360:21:38

Would the last person to leave the planet tell Fenton?

0:21:380:21:41

Human Beings Duped Into Watching Crap on New Invention.

0:21:450:21:49

It was, "Calm down deer!"

0:21:510:21:52

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:21:520:21:54

-The Sun ended the report...

-This just gets worse and worse!

0:21:550:21:58

-Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story, anywhere?

-No!

0:21:580:22:02

The Sun ended its report, saying:

0:22:020:22:04

And the good news is they have tracked down Benton and his owner

0:22:060:22:09

and the dog has been destroyed.

0:22:090:22:12

Only joking, animal lovers.

0:22:120:22:14

That was the best bit!

0:22:140:22:16

People are now selling t-shirts with the picture of Benton.

0:22:170:22:23

-Are people buying them?

-I have only bought three!

0:22:230:22:26

So somebody was filming it, thinking,

0:22:280:22:30

"I can't believe the stuff I'm getting here! This is magical!"

0:22:300:22:33

I mean, why watch David Attenborough, when you've got THAT?!

0:22:330:22:36

MIMICS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: "Fenton, is here, in Richmond Park.

0:22:360:22:41

"The deer are over there,

0:22:410:22:44

"the mobile phone man is there,

0:22:440:22:46

"and the internet...is everywhere."

0:22:460:22:49

Pete Wedderburn, the vet, helpfully explained that:

0:22:520:22:55

Thanks very much, Pete(!)

0:23:010:23:03

In other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...

0:23:040:23:08

Pigeon Takes Off From Roof!

0:23:090:23:13

With no apparent motive.

0:23:130:23:15

This is all that is going to be left of the press after this inquiry!

0:23:150:23:18

Animal stories!

0:23:180:23:20

Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,

0:23:210:23:25

has been up to this week?

0:23:250:23:26

Did he shove a banana up Barry Watson?

0:23:320:23:36

Did he win a contest?

0:23:360:23:37

Who judged him the most sarcastic gorilla?

0:23:370:23:40

Were there hundreds of them turning up? Going, "Yeah(!)"

0:23:400:23:44

Gavin lives in Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro:

0:23:440:23:47

It's not all violence and sarcasm in the animal world.

0:24:050:24:08

Who has been showing a more artistic side, this week?

0:24:080:24:11

Oh, God!

0:24:110:24:14

-A spaniel has opened a watercolour exhibition.

-Yes. Exactly.

0:24:140:24:17

A dachshund has perfected an impression of Charles Dance.

0:24:170:24:21

"How do you do?

0:24:220:24:24

"Any dinner?"

0:24:240:24:26

No. This artistic animal is Gary the Gerbil Ballerina.

0:24:270:24:31

Oh, don't say we're going to be looking

0:24:340:24:36

at a picture of a gerbil wearing a tutu!

0:24:360:24:38

We are!

0:24:380:24:40

Let's see Gary in action.

0:24:400:24:42

He's not dancing!

0:24:520:24:54

SUSAN: He's just hungry!

0:24:560:24:57

The rest of the clip

0:24:590:25:00

does get a bit distressing after that, though.

0:25:000:25:03

We can't show you the end of it, but it goes,

0:25:030:25:05

"Benton, Benton, Jesus Christ, Benton."

0:25:050:25:08

This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit

0:25:130:25:16

after chasing deer in Richmond Park.

0:25:160:25:19

The next time Benton's owner visited the park,

0:25:190:25:21

he took no chances, left the dog at home and went on his bike.

0:25:210:25:23

Now that was worth seeing!

0:25:310:25:33

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:25:350:25:37

BELL

0:25:400:25:41

This is the cheapest sandwich you can possible make,

0:25:410:25:46

just bread with toast in the middle of it.

0:25:460:25:48

Is the right answer.

0:25:480:25:50

This is the news that the toast sandwich has been declared

0:25:500:25:53

the most economical meal possible

0:25:530:25:55

in these austere times.

0:25:550:25:57

How much does the toast sandwich cost to assemble?

0:25:570:25:59

8 pence. About 8 pence, or something like that.

0:25:590:26:02

It may be by now, I have 7.5 pence.

0:26:020:26:04

There's cutlery and stuff you need, presumably.

0:26:070:26:10

-You don't need anything.

-You need a toaster!

0:26:100:26:12

Who can get a toaster for 7.5p?

0:26:120:26:14

How would you go about making a toast sandwich, Miles?

0:26:140:26:17

A toast sandwich? Uh, well, I would...

0:26:170:26:19

bake some bread.

0:26:190:26:21

Uh, and then I would slice it,

0:26:210:26:25

then I would... It's a bread sandwich, isn't it?

0:26:250:26:28

So there's no toast involved?

0:26:280:26:31

Just three slices of bread in a pile.

0:26:310:26:34

I wouldn't even turn the Dualit on.

0:26:360:26:39

Who exactly has been pushing this culinary delight?

0:26:420:26:45

Sir Compton MacKenzie, author of Whisky Galore?

0:26:470:26:51

-Uh, no...

-No? Not him?

0:26:510:26:52

According to the Mail the recipe has been unveiled by the:

0:26:520:26:55

Also known as the Ministry of Yum.

0:26:570:27:00

How confident is the Royal Society

0:27:000:27:02

that they've found the most economical lunch?

0:27:020:27:04

Extremely confident. They're boasting about it.

0:27:040:27:06

"We have found the most economical lunch", they say.

0:27:060:27:09

They are:

0:27:090:27:10

What we used to eat at school was a sugar sandwich.

0:27:140:27:17

Deprived youth(!)

0:27:170:27:19

To be fair, the sugar did come from your own plantation.

0:27:190:27:22

-Delicious.

-An open butter sandwich.

0:27:260:27:30

That's just one... No toast. Toasting is too expensive.

0:27:300:27:33

One piece of bread, with butter on it.

0:27:330:27:37

It's an open bread sandwich.

0:27:370:27:38

It's bread. Bread!

0:27:380:27:41

Flour.

0:27:410:27:43

A spoonful of flour.

0:27:430:27:44

Put it in your mouth then just take some water out of the tap.

0:27:440:27:47

Rainwater is cheaper.

0:27:470:27:49

The Guardian couldn't beat them on price

0:27:490:27:52

but did suggest a far superior culinary experience of:

0:27:520:27:55

Ah, the devils!

0:27:580:28:00

-When did the society...

-The Brevilles!

0:28:010:28:04

-Nice.

-Very good.

0:28:040:28:05

-I don't know.

-Product placement, or something.

0:28:050:28:09

-Is it?

-I don't know.

0:28:090:28:10

There are other toastie makers available.

0:28:100:28:12

I've got a Dualit one. It's excellent.

0:28:140:28:15

That's twice you've got them in.

0:28:170:28:19

They make very good stuff.

0:28:190:28:22

Where did the Royal Society get this recipe from?

0:28:220:28:25

An old austerity book. Er...How We Ate In The 1850s.

0:28:250:28:29

It was from none other than the woman who gave us the:

0:28:290:28:31

Mrs Beaton. In her recipe book she described the toast sandwich as:

0:28:330:28:36

Toast fans will be pleased to hear

0:28:410:28:43

Mrs Beaton had more in her toast range.

0:28:430:28:46

She also came up with:

0:28:460:28:48

Yes, it's a:

0:28:480:28:50

Although Mrs Beaton did take pains to point out:

0:28:550:28:57

In other health-related news,

0:29:030:29:06

what has the NHS introduced to help battle the obesity epidemic?

0:29:060:29:10

A tray that tells you when you've had enough to eat.

0:29:100:29:14

-A talking plate?

-Yeah.

-It is.

0:29:140:29:16

The plate costs £1,500. It's known as the Mandometer.

0:29:160:29:19

Anybody know how it works?

0:29:190:29:21

It tells you when you've eaten too much, eaten too quickly.

0:29:210:29:24

"Slow down. Do not eat so fast.

0:29:240:29:26

"Put down the potato.

0:29:260:29:28

"You must not eat any more.

0:29:280:29:30

"Have more cabbage.

0:29:300:29:32

"Chew your food.

0:29:320:29:34

"Don't eat plate."

0:29:340:29:36

Stuff like that.

0:29:360:29:39

More or less.

0:29:390:29:40

"Have you seen the internet today?

0:29:400:29:42

"Amateur video-cam footage on.

0:29:440:29:48

"End of message."

0:29:500:29:51

It's quite simple. The plate weighs the food and monitors the rate

0:29:540:29:58

at which it disappears.

0:29:580:29:59

A screen shows graphics of the food disappearing at a healthy speed

0:29:590:30:02

and compares it with the fatso's actual rate.

0:30:020:30:06

If you took the potato off and put it back again would it assume

0:30:060:30:09

you were being sick? "Are you bulimic?"

0:30:090:30:12

This is the austerity sandwich.

0:30:120:30:14

Consisting of just three slices of bread the toast sandwich costs 7.5p,

0:30:140:30:18

or, if you can't be bothered to make it yourself,

0:30:180:30:21

Pret A Manger do a great one for £3.95.

0:30:210:30:23

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:30:250:30:27

Ted Heath, Harry Belafonte,

0:30:270:30:29

Larry the Downing Street cat, and this.

0:30:290:30:32

ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:30:320:30:35

BELL

0:30:460:30:48

Yes?

0:30:480:30:49

LAUGHTER

0:30:510:30:52

Getting desperate!

0:30:520:30:54

That's the clip that wins us the BAFTA(!)

0:30:540:30:56

Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for joining the BNP.

0:30:590:31:04

I think I have had a tweet from the Downing Street cat

0:31:040:31:07

which, again, will pile upon the fact

0:31:070:31:09

that people think I'm an incredibly sad cat lady - and I am.

0:31:090:31:11

I get tweets from other cats!

0:31:110:31:14

I dress my cats up, in more than that bow tie.

0:31:140:31:17

You have to make an effort.

0:31:170:31:19

-How do you dress the cats up?

-Well...!

0:31:190:31:22

Well, it depends. We have themed days.

0:31:220:31:25

If you cut the fingers off gloves

0:31:250:31:28

they make leg warmers for Fame Day.

0:31:280:31:31

And then, you've got to be careful if you make any trousers,

0:31:310:31:35

cats don't have hips, so you have to make braces.

0:31:350:31:38

Otherwise they will slide off.

0:31:380:31:41

There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling off!

0:31:410:31:45

I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there, certainly.

0:31:470:31:51

-Is it mice?

-It is something to do with sleep.

0:31:510:31:54

Larry the cat is meant to be in Downing Street

0:31:540:31:58

to get mice.

0:31:580:31:59

But he is asleep all the time.

0:31:590:32:01

When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?

0:32:010:32:04

I better tell you. They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't,

0:32:040:32:08

apart from Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.

0:32:080:32:12

Weightless, by Manchester group, Marconi Union,

0:32:120:32:15

has recently beaten Coldplay and Enya

0:32:150:32:17

to the title of world's most relaxing song.

0:32:170:32:19

It is insufferably dull.

0:32:190:32:22

Ted Heath dozed off

0:32:220:32:23

whilst talking to the Queen at his 80th birthday bash.

0:32:230:32:26

thrown by John and Norma Major.

0:32:260:32:28

How did the Queen take this slight to her conversation skills?

0:32:280:32:31

She drew a cock on his forehead!

0:32:310:32:34

John Major said:

0:32:400:32:42

Harry Belafonte appeared on an American chat show

0:32:480:32:51

to discuss his new book.

0:32:510:32:53

When they cut to the satellite feed, he appeared to be sleeping.

0:32:530:32:57

Still, far worse things can happen when you interview a veteran singer.

0:32:570:33:00

The next day's guest was Cliff Richard,

0:33:000:33:02

who stayed wide awake and spoke at length on a range of subjects!

0:33:020:33:05

Larry the cat has been falling asleep

0:33:090:33:11

during the day at Downton Street when he should be...

0:33:110:33:14

Downton Street?!

0:33:140:33:16

LAUGHTER

0:33:160:33:17

There's a serious category confusion there!

0:33:240:33:27

I know it is important, Dan,

0:33:270:33:29

but it is not actually the centre of Government(!)

0:33:290:33:33

You accidentally said Dualit Street!

0:33:350:33:38

Oh, no(!) Beg your pardon!

0:33:380:33:41

Larry has been falling asleep

0:33:410:33:43

during the day at Downing Street when he should be catching rats,

0:33:430:33:47

because he's been staying up all night

0:33:470:33:49

with his new girlfriend, Maisie.

0:33:490:33:51

Larry is now so lax at his job David Cameron was forced to take matters into his own hands this week.

0:33:510:33:55

-What did he do?

-He caught a rat?

0:33:550:33:57

Did he pick it up with his bare hands and...

0:33:570:34:01

Like Putin? That is how it works in Russia.

0:34:010:34:05

Big pictures of Putin killing deer.

0:34:050:34:08

Over here, Cameron, "Oh it's a mouse!"

0:34:080:34:10

Putin! Putin! Oh, Jesus Christ! Putin!

0:34:110:34:16

According to the Telegraph:

0:34:200:34:23

He missed, obviously.

0:34:290:34:32

He said, "It wasn't a target, it was an aspiration!"

0:34:320:34:35

According to the Mail on Sunday, he actually said:

0:34:380:34:40

That is what the Queen said to Edward Heath?

0:34:500:34:53

According to the Sun, Larry is too tired to catch mice

0:34:580:35:01

after spending most of his time with another cat called Masie

0:35:010:35:04

whose owner insists:

0:35:040:35:07

Although Maisie has an official looking business card

0:35:070:35:09

with "advisor to Larry" printed on it.

0:35:090:35:13

Time for the Missing Words round.

0:35:140:35:16

This week it features as guest publication The Chap,

0:35:160:35:19

a journal for the modern gentleman.

0:35:190:35:22

We start with:

0:35:220:35:23

MILES: One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.

0:35:270:35:30

Scarf and hotpants combo.

0:35:300:35:34

Geordie accent.

0:35:370:35:39

MILES: Chest wig.

0:35:400:35:42

-It is tattoo just won't come off.

-She had a henna tattoo.

0:35:440:35:48

The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo

0:35:480:35:51

that she can't scrub off.

0:35:510:35:53

According to the Daily Mail one suggested remedy is to:

0:35:530:35:56

As if Charles' footman doesn't have enough to do!

0:35:560:35:59

Next:

0:36:000:36:02

MILES: Bomb-making equipment and a healthy disregard for the law.

0:36:050:36:08

An even tempered approach to life and a winning eye for the ladies.

0:36:080:36:13

They still talk in Croydon of that night

0:36:260:36:28

Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice and I gave them my Widow Twankey.

0:36:280:36:31

Says, "Yes I f...ing do!"

0:36:350:36:39

Character work, Mr Hislop?

0:36:410:36:43

Watch out, Dan!

0:36:440:36:46

-He's auditioning!

-The next series of Downton!

0:36:460:36:50

This Heidi Withers,

0:36:550:36:56

described by her future mother-in-law

0:36:560:36:58

as "staggeringly uncouth" in an email that went viral,

0:36:580:37:01

has got her own back by appearing in Country Life's famous:

0:37:010:37:04

Zara Phillips, whose husband appeared

0:37:070:37:09

in the 'Boys with dwarves' section.

0:37:090:37:12

Keith Vaz is Jazz!

0:37:150:37:17

MILES: Secretly Welsh.

0:37:180:37:21

Openly Welsh!

0:37:210:37:22

Actually, that's not really a headline,

0:37:270:37:30

just some graffiti on a van somebody kindly sent in.

0:37:300:37:32

Here it is.

0:37:320:37:34

So if I send in pictures of me and the cats next week, that'll make it?

0:37:390:37:42

Absolutely.

0:37:420:37:44

Oh! We could do a Downton Abbey special!

0:37:440:37:46

Yes!

0:37:460:37:48

I don't know if I can make a wee wheelchair but I'll try my best!

0:37:480:37:51

Tissue box, some wheels!

0:37:540:37:56

Halfway through, the cat springs out of it!

0:37:560:38:00

"I got a tingling in my whiskers!"

0:38:000:38:02

The London Philharmonic Orchestra?

0:38:070:38:09

A tiny cravat.

0:38:100:38:12

It's not at all close.

0:38:140:38:16

A big cravat.

0:38:160:38:17

It is in fact:

0:38:170:38:20

This is Chantel Faill, who had an accident

0:38:220:38:25

with a pool cue, back in 1999,

0:38:250:38:27

after the incident she went to casualty,

0:38:270:38:29

but doctors just gave her two free shots.

0:38:290:38:31

Next...

0:38:390:38:41

"I wouldn't go in there for a bit."

0:38:450:38:47

SUSAN: What people usually say when they come out of the toilet now

0:38:510:38:54

is, "those Dyson airblades really are much better."

0:38:540:38:57

I think they're very unsettling.

0:38:580:39:00

-Do you?

-But it's fantastic, the noise.

0:39:000:39:03

"Wuuuuh!"

0:39:030:39:04

No! It sort of makes the back of your hands look all scrotum-y!

0:39:040:39:09

You're using the wrong kind of soap.

0:39:110:39:13

This is David Beckham, who bumped into the star in a toilet in LA.

0:39:170:39:20

To Beckham's further surprise

0:39:200:39:21

Jack then went over to the condom machine and announced,

0:39:210:39:24

"Heeeeere's Johnny!"

0:39:240:39:25

-They are seven foot long.

-Very close.

-They go like that. "Pah!"

0:39:330:39:37

Close. They are:

0:39:370:39:40

This is from a celebration of facial hair in The Chap magazine.

0:39:420:39:45

Alf Garrald and his cheek hedgehogs.

0:39:450:39:47

Anybody else think he might smoke to the right?

0:39:470:39:50

And finally:

0:39:540:39:55

Question Time.

0:39:580:39:59

Wife.

0:40:010:40:03

It is in fact:

0:40:060:40:07

And here is said tomato.

0:40:090:40:10

The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup

0:40:140:40:17

and market it alongside Eva Braun sauce.

0:40:170:40:20

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:40:200:40:22

The final scores are: Ian and Miles have two,

0:40:220:40:25

but Paul and Susan are the winners with five.

0:40:250:40:27

APPLAUSE

0:40:270:40:31

Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition.

0:40:330:40:37

Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity!

0:40:370:40:40

MILES: Sarge, we just thought this would be quicker

0:40:430:40:45

than turning the place upside-down!

0:40:450:40:48

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:520:40:54

Ian Hislop and Miles Jupp, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.

0:40:540:40:57

I leave you with news that at a sports meeting at Crystal Palace,

0:40:570:41:00

organisers admit it was a mistake

0:41:000:41:02

to hold the women's 800 metres at the same time as the shooting!

0:41:020:41:06

After his eye operation is a complete success,

0:41:100:41:13

the paparazzi catch Pudsey Bear celebrating with his nurse.

0:41:130:41:16

And in Windsor, the Queen steadfastly refuses

0:41:220:41:25

to fall a second time for Prince Philip's pull my finger routine.

0:41:250:41:28

Good night.

0:41:310:41:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:450:41:48

E-mail [email protected]

0:41:480:41:51

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