Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before recording the show,

Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and has second thoughts.

At the annual professional tennis players' dinner,

one player finds out he has got to sit next to Andy Murray.

And at Kensington Palace, the Queen vividly recreates the moment

when the Archbishop of Canterbury tripped over a corgi.

On Ian's team is an ex-Conservative MP who claims his ancestor

was the last man in Britain to be beheaded for treason,

and his father was the first man in England to play Monopoly.

Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE

Very true!

On Paul's team is a comedian who recently revealed to the Telegraph

that the thing that irritates him the most is people who aren't curious.

There's probably a good reason for that but I can't be bothered to ask.

Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.

Ah! Autumn!

-Oh, look!

-Right, the strike.

-Education policy at its height.

-The apostrophe is wrong.

-We have gone back in time to the '30s.

-We're marching.

Two rather attractive men going somewhere interesting.

You're not trying to get another job in the Tory party?

No, though it is actually almost compulsory nowadays to be gay if you are a Conservative.

It is no longer the party with its back against the wall.

-It's erm... It got weird quicker then you said.

-Yeah , it did, didn't it?

-You said it would get weird...

-I said it definitely would.

..but you reckoned by about half way through.

-We have barely started.

-They are undeniably good-looking, aren't they?

LAUGHTER

-Yes, no, Gyles, they're lovely.

-I know your standards are quite high,

-but I think they're very attractive.

-Gyles, shall we focus?

I was focussing on the essentials.

I do assure you, in the fullness of time, what we will remember about these two guys

is how good-looking they were. I don't think we'll remember much else.

Have you been paid by Osborne to say consistently that he's good-looking

so that we all forget what a weasely little bastard he is?

-No, we honestly know what's going on. This is the terrible strike of the week.

-Yes.

Depending on which paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.

In the Telegraph it was a non-event. According to The Guardian:

Over 50 million people turned up.

Obviously the strike aroused a lot of strong passions, as you say, on either side of the argument.

There was time, however, for some gentlemanly behaviour. Here's an ITN reporter.

She's doing a piece to camera, quite obviously having asked everyone behind her

to agree to keep the noise down.

Tensions between the unions and Government have already been heightened

following yesterday's decision by the Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%.

That was described in the Mail as a vicious and violent uprising

that ended in the death of eight police officers.

Here is another picture that just proves the point.

MARCUS: These disgusting anarchists!

IAN: That's a proper British strike, isn't it!

Who has been less than polite about the strikers, we're being led to understand?

I know that Jeremy Clarkson's had a few words to say about this.

He said that he thought they should all be taken out and shot in front of their families.

He did say some other things before that, but they weren't very much nicer.

He was quite keen on the idea of the strikes

because it meant he could drive faster through London.

The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson appeared on the One Show,

this happened on Wednesday.

Just so you can form your own opinion, here's what he said in context.

-Do you think the strikes have been a good idea?

-Fantastic.

Absolutely. Never had... London today has just been empty.

Everybody stayed at home, you could whizz about, restaurants were empty.

The traffic actually has been good.

-We have to balance it though, don't we, because this is the BBC.

-Exactly.

-Yes, exactly.

Frankly, I'd have them all shot.

I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

How dare they go on strike?

It's interesting to see Jeremy Clarkson in context,

because otherwise he could've ended up on a sort of One Show naughty step in the corner, or in that attic

where they've still got Carol Thatcher locked up.

-He was balancing it, saying there are two sides to every story.

-It wasn't quite two sides.

One is it's great, these strikes are wasting everyone's time,

I can drive fast, and, on the other hand, I hate them as well.

Gyles, as you said, we saw the beautiful George Osborne there in the film.

He gave his autumn statement this week.

The Mirror took their usual thoughtful, measured approach.

That's true though, isn't it? It sounds like a joke but he did go through that.

-Yes, he did.

-Psychologically damaged.

It's weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics, because...

Do you know, I think everyone feels the same!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The truth is, the one thing I could not stand about being an MP were my constituents.

You may loathe members of Parliament,

but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.

The other big headline to emerge this week

was that it's going to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the Government thought.

It's going to take seven years, rather than five.

Shall we hear what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to say about this.

What the IFS have been pointing out for a while is five years of spending cuts

is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even more.

Just to add to the gloom, I don't know if you've been watching Jeremy Paxman this week,

but this was him signing off from Newsnight on Tuesday.

That's all from Newsnight tonight and we'll be back to depress you again tomorrow night.

One of the measures that Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks.

-It's going to go up by how much, according to the Mail?

-Point zero something, isn't it?

-0.02% or something?

-You're very close.

The Mail headline said:

Technically true. It went up from:

It was a very depressed fellow from KPMG,

a spokesman for the accountants, who said that:

They will all move to Greece, presumably! Or Italy, or Spain,

or any of the other burgeoning banking economies.

Why don't the public sector workers all threaten to leave?

It seems to work well for the bankers. Anything happens, and they say "we'll go then".

Just have all the nurses and teachers go, "Well we'll go as well." Everyone go.

It would just be Jeremy Clarkson left going, "This is brilliant!"

Meanwhile, back at Westminster, who's had their portrait unveiled?

Oh! Speaker Bercow! It is sort of like a photo painting.

It cost £22,000, and there he is blessing the children.

The bloke on the right - did he get bored of painting him?

He thought, I can't do the other side of his face. I just can't be bothered!

Gyles, you're quite right. We did pay £22,000 for the painting. Do you know how much we paid for the frame?

-15 grand.

-On top of that?

-On top.

-No, not on top, it's around. That's the whole idea.

-Oh, I see.

And the coat of arms was also designed and unveiled.

-Do you know what was in it?

-A ladder, some tennis balls...

Sounds like a cupboard!

-The ladder represents his journey from humble beginnings...

-To being the Speaker of the House of Commons.

-It's not a modest statement, is it?

-No, no.

I've got to the top of the ladder, you haven't.

All are equal, is his view, except he's more equal than others.

This is a busy week, which included public sector strikes

and George Osborne's autumn statement.

The Sunday Times pointed out that Unison boss Dave Prentis earns over £140,000 a year.

Mind you, if he has to carry it home like that, I'd say he earns every penny.

George Osborne delivered his autumn statement this week,

according to the Office of Budget Responsibility's growth forecasts,

the worst year for the economy will be 2012.

Just as well we're not hosting any massively expensive sports extravaganza.

Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said...

Some people love him, some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1.

Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks like Rupert Murdoch.

There's Charlotte Church, she's turned been talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press.

That's a reporter who's been interviewed.

That's Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks.

-If we lip read them, we can find out what's going on. And that is...

-Alastair Campbell.

..In front of what we call the Dav Fishwick Stand.

So that's basically what it's about, isn't it?

Charlotte Church, she was asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage.

Do you want £100,000 or good coverage in the press? She said £100,000, because she was 13,

and her adviser said to go for the good coverage in the press.

She went for good coverage, they printed a good couple of stories about her

and then approaching her 16th birthday, The Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday

-when it was legal to have sex with her.

-That's nice, isn't it!

I wonder how much Blair got paid for being godfather at the christening.

-Is he Charlotte Church's godfather as well?

-He is.

He's the godfather of Murdoch's child, isn't he?

-He gets about.

-Yeah, he appeared at a baptism service on the banks of the Jordan.

They thought they'd ask Dale Winton, and then Tony Blair turned up.

-What does Blair charge for that sort of thing?

-Baptism is 500 quid.

-Oh, really?

-Plus expenses.

-Is it extra if he brings Cherie?

-Always.

She was meant to sing Pie Jesu. I think she did sing it in the end, didn't she?

Cherie Blair sang Pie Jesu?!

I would have paid £100,000 for that!

The other guy... Paul McMullen? Said the extraordinary thing,

that only paedophiles need privacy, because if you're demanding privacy you must be up to something bad.

Every time he opens his mouth, I think, that's it,

the free press is finished. There's nothing he's embarrassed about.

-Do you know what he said phone hacking was?

-Honourable.

He said...

There have been examples where phones have been hacked and stories in the public interest came out.

Freedom of the press is immensely important in a democracy

and it's very hard to imagine how we would manage to vote and stuff

if we didn't know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.

Let's see some more of his gems to the committee. He said,

"Phone hacking brings to light stories which people want to hide because no-one needs privacy."

When it came to describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks,

he described them as...

And...

And when he was asked why, he said...

He did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson

not only knew about phone hacking

but that indeed they ordered it.

Brooks and Coulson, of course, deny this, as we know.

Of course, you're adding that for balance.

The only lightning, of course, was thank goodness Alastair Campbell turned up.

Up to that point it was looking pretty dire for the press.

But then Campbell said, the press, would you believe it, people leak stories and the press run them.

This is from New Labour's spin doctor.

It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.

He also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop

on Cherie Blair's fourth baby was obtained through phone hacking.

He would probably know, he used to work for the Mirror. He could ring up his old mates.

-But Piers Morgan was editor then, so that can't be right, can it?

-Oh, no!

When's Piers Morgan being called to Leveson?

-He's having to give a statement.

-Is he?

I think Mr Leveson is going over to appear on Piers' show.

Oh, nice.

This is week two of the Leveson Inquiry.

Charlotte Church said she was surprised to be asked

to sing Pie Jesu at Rupert Murdoch's wedding as...

Though presumably it had been requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng.

JK Rowling told the inquiry she was horrified

when a journalist tried to contact her by...

She knew it couldn't be from her daughter

as it was badly written and full of spelling mistakes.

Given that we have been talking about miserable celebrities,

let's see some celebrities having a jolly old time of it.

# Consider yourself well in

# Consider yourself part of the furniture

# There isn't a lot to spare

# Who cares?

# Whatever we've got, we share

# For after some consideration we can state

# Consider yourself

# One of us. #

Wow! There we are!

There goes the BBC's Christmas budget.

There will be no programmes on Christmas Day,

just that, on a loop, followed by an apology.

For some reason, Paul and I weren't asked to be on that.

I couldn't make it.

Just me then!

-I'd have thought I was jolly enough.

-Exactly.

-I'd have joined in the fun.

-On top of the tree, you'd look lovely.

Gyles, how much did you get for renting them your jumpers?

Exactly!

For 20 years I was vilified for wearing that kind of knitwear,

and now look, a job lot.

Worn by national treasures, that's how they define the people who are in that, you know.

The national treasures are all there. And we are here.

Why did we watch that?

-It was to cheer us all up.

-I see!

And so, to round two.

-The Strengthometer of News.

-Hurray!

-Oh, yes!

Is that the mallet of wisdom?

I bloody well hope so!

Go on then.

Here's the first one.

BUZZER

Well, this elaborately Photoshoped image...

Hitler, I think, had a sister who lived in Liverpool before the First World War.

The idea Hitler spent time in Liverpool is considered amusing.

This is indeed it. Author Mike Unger

has written the book...

Which explores the theory that Hitler stayed in a flat in Toxteth

with his married half-brother, Alois,

from November 1912 to April of 1913.

According to the Daily Mail, Alois sent money over

so that his sister, Angela, could come and join him...

The more you hear about him...

-What kind of house guest...?

-Was he vegetarian?

Not voluntarily. He was a bit intolerant to meat. One of those.

You know, you invite them and they're like,

"Oh, I can't eat this and I can't eat that." You know, fussy bugger.

-AS HITLER:

-These potatoes are cold.

-Uncanny.

-He's turned into a Dalek.

I love the idea that he was intolerant to meat.

It wasn't his only intolerance.

According to The Sun...

Yes, particularly the way it just opened like that.

-Hitler was apparently...

-You've got a load of Hitler gags.

-Good, isn't it?

-I'll just get the joke book out.

-HE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

Hitler was, apparently, a regular in his local pub where he never caused any trouble.

On one occasion, he did down a pint rather quickly, but he was only obeying last orders.

Phwoo!

I liked it!

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-You are only following autocue, this is all right...

-I vill ask ze questions, so be careful.

-Yes, indeed.

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

Sorry! I just acted quickly, I heard the words of command!

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-That Hitler's a funny bloke? Have you seen him? Lives next door.

Nasty bit of work, that Hitler.

He'll start a world war, watch my words.

I can't put this fag out.

Sorry.

BUZZER

-Right, Paul and Marcus.

-There's a woman being inflated on the beach.

That's the girl accused of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician.

They found that she wasn't a Russian spy, just a Russian!

-You're quite right.

-They thought she was a spy. She'd go into the Commons canteen and say...

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"The sausages are cold for this time of year."

"The seagull flies high above Krakow." It sounded like secret messages.

I think they thought she was a spy because

she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic Party.

-Not very well informed then?

-No.

They thought, what other reason could there possibly be?

Phoning the Kremlin going, "They're going to make corduroy compulsory."

-This is Katia Zatuliveter who had...

-You've practised that, haven't you?

-SHE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN

-Yeah, that was very good.

-That's all my Russian.

-Very good. Did you just learn her name?

-No, I just said, "of course".

That was "of course"? Blimey.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

-Ooh! Very good.

-APPLAUSE

Hold on a minute. I just want to ring MI5!

LAUGHTER

We fell for the oldest trick in the book, inviting you on the show.

This show's not going out, these are cardboard figures!

That's not Gyles Brandreth, that's a puppet.

From the Muppet Show!

Wish it was.

Anyway. This woman had an affair with the Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.

Not just him, though. She had a thing for older men with not much power.

-Marcus...

-Oh, Gyles!

-Yeah, exactly!

I never met her. I would have been drawn to her because, looking at the picture,

she looks a little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl...

on holiday.

LAUGHTER

When you say you're drawn to her,

it's important you know those two men aren't part of the package!

She's been cleared by an immigration tribunal

of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial evidence that won her her fight to stay?

-She kept a diary.

-Wouldn't that be your cover anyway, to have a diary that said,

"I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it." You'd write things like that, wouldn't you?

The tribunal concluded that the pair's four-year liaison was:

Adding:

Which I think seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?

Gyles, you are a bit of a Tommy Two Ways. Do you think he is attractive?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've boasted about it many times.

I'm sorry, I told Kirsty in confidence!

LAUGHTER

What did we learn from her diary that might have convinced the panel?

We wouldn't read other people's diaries.

Ian might because, at certain occasions in the public interest, that's justified.

Quite right, yep.

Katia said in her diary:

-Another Russian in the news this week is Vladimir Putin.

-He wants to be president again.

-Quite right.

-He's secured the official nomination.

-That must have been tough!

He's not as popular as he was. Do you know what evidence we have?

Is he down to 99% approval?

He was booed and jeered and whistled at,

during an appearance at a martial arts fight at Moscow Olympic Stadium. Let's look.

BOOING

BOOING DROWNS SPEECH

Do we know how Putin's people explained this?

There was very little booing, in fact, many were cheering, going: "You... vwoo-yay!"

They said:

What has Russian newsreader Tatyana Limanova been up to this week?

-Is she the one who did the finger?

-Shall we take a look?

READING IN RUSSIAN: ..Barack Obama.

She's been sacked for mentioning Barack Obama and doing that.

She was just checking the way the wind was blowing.

It was to the producers who'd said she couldn't mention Obama. Or that was for Obama.

The belief is that was for Obama. Subsequently she explained it by saying:

If the autocue's a bit shaky, you can explain that by going...

Or if you need to see it twice... All those.

-Did that never happen to you when you were on the news?

-Did I ever do that?

Were you ever misinterpreted?

Germaine Greer once said (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) she couldn't understand a word I was saying.

Which was rich.

So. How satisfying. It's 14 years since she said that, and now I've got her back.

APPLAUSE

This is Katia Zatuliveter who had an affair with Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.

But was cleared by an immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy.

Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a spy, and simply formed:

Adding: "Call me."

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-This was the guy who burgled a house, and he caught and sentenced.

As part of the sentence he had to write a letter to the person to say, "I'm sorry I burgled your house."

He wrote: "You're really stupid. I wouldn't leave a window open, you deserve everything, you're a loser."

"Yours sincerely, the man who's got your record player."

Or whatever those machines are called these days.

Let's look at what he said.

David Cameron!

Does anyone know what the 16 year old stole?

Oh... Our hearts? I don't know.

LAUGHTER

He stole:

Clearly not a dictionary. What did the victims think when they got his letter?

That he might have put a stamp on it.

They never got it, it was held back by the authorities because it might have been deeply distressing.

According to Javed Khan, chief executive of Victim Support:

Obviously far better to release it to the national press.

LAUGHTER

In other news. Why was Rossie Brovent unhappy with her nice new tattoo?

This is excellent.

This woman, I believe, had an affair, that she thought her partner who was a tattoo artist didn't know about.

She said, will you do a tattoo on my back? He said, yes, sign this to say whatever I put on will be fine.

She said, all right. And he put an enormous turd on there.

-Is that the story?

-That indeed is the story. She thought...

LAUGHTER

I haven't seen it, I just heard about it. Look at that.

Magnificent. Well done, him.

Isn't it a pile of croissants, one laid above another?

-You're a glass half full boy, aren't you?

-I am.

I think the flies give an indication.

She thought he was doing a pretty scene of Narnia on her back.

This is the 16-year-old burglar who wrote an unapologetic letter of apology which said:

A line lifted from Tony Blair's autobiography.

OK, here's the next one.

BUZZER

Right, this is fantastic, they've invented a piece of plastic that can do the limbo dance.

A robot that can go under that little line of glass, and come out the other side. Intelligent robot.

-That's it, isn't it?

-Yes. It is.

-This is the news that American roboticists...

-Bastards!

-Have finally invented -

-American roboticists, all these bloody robots, yargh!

LAUGHTER

Just injecting some energy!

Thought the show needed it, sorry.

Promise not to do it again.

They've finally invented a limbo dancing -

Finally, at last!

A limbo dancing robot, get stuck in!

-And it can change shape and wiggle. Let's take a look at it.

-Yeah!

-Oh.

-Ooh.

-Oh.

-That could be my honeymoon!

LAUGHTER

This is the limbo dancing robot that can wriggle into the tightest spaces.

The robot has a range of emotions, including:

Already been tipped to take over as royal correspondent from Nicholas Witchell!

Several other new robots have been unveiled this week.

One robot, called Dex, is able to:

All they need to do now is add a rampant rabbit, and the male of the species is dead.

LAUGHTER

Is that a heraldic term, a "rampant rabbit"?

Best you don't go any further.

Time now for the odd one out round. Your four are:

The winner of the Turnip Art Prize.

David Cameron, Madron FC, and the CV of Benedict Le Gauche?

BUZZER

The Turnip Award, I've never heard of that, but would suggest it's an award for a bad piece of art.

You have the Turner award, so Turnip, maybe it's about not being very good.

The football team, now teams you've never heard

are either famous because they win every match or lose every match.

I'm assuming it must be about losing as it's the Turnip Prize.

This is where I run out of steam cos I've never heard of Benedict Le Gauche or indeed David Cameron!

-So, is it about failure?

-It might be.

-Might be? That means it is.

-Did Benedict Le Gauche send in thousands of CVs?

-CVs. You're on the right line.

I got that because it says curriculum vitae!

-I'm just trying to be encouraging.

-I know. Patronising is good, too.

-I'm sure she didn't mean it.

-No?!

They're prizes for being bad at stuff.

So, the Turnip Prize is a bad thing. That football team is the worst in the league, the wooden spoon.

The curriculum vitae, he's got the worst CV anyone's ever seen.

So the odd one out is David Cameron for none of the above reasons.

Who's won a prize this week as GQ Man of the Year,

-runner up to the gentleman on my right who became GQ... What did you become?

-Playmate?

LAUGHTER

-Playmate of the Year!

-Wa-hey! APPLAUSE

-David Cameron is the odd one out.

-Because?

-He's failed totally.

LAUGHTER

They have all been described as the worst ever, apart from David Cameron

who is merely the worst politician in British history since William Gladstone.

-Patrick Mercer said that.

-Indeed he did.

A renegade MP, was overheard saying it.

-He was caught on tape at a London party saying it.

-What an invasion of his privacy!

How dare we know what MPs think of their leader.

He went on to say about David Cameron:

He also said that Cameron was an:

Madron FC, the Cornish football team, have been described as

the worst ever to grace British soil after losing all their season's matches.

-Their worst result was...?

-36-0?

55-0.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Things got so bad for the team that the phrase, if you don't want to know the score, look away now,

became a part of the manager's pre-match pep talk.

They recently broke their losing run with a 4-3 victory in a friendly against the Scottish national side.

LAUGHTER

Ha ha ha!

The Turnip Prize looks to find the worst possible art.

Last year's winner was a plate holding a large chilli and three small ones.

It represented a very disappointing episode of Masterchef!

LAUGHTER

We can take a look at it. Chilean miners, it represented.

LAUGHTER

-Shall we look at one from this year?

-Yeah.

-What do you think this one's called?

Stuffed to the gills?

-Fish bank?

-That's good.

-Fish bank!

LAUGHTER

-I didn't say it was great, I said it might be the title.

-It is:

One of the so-called artworks is a bottle of meat containing small dolls entitled:

What criteria do you think the Turnip Prize entries are judged on?

They must be puns. The Turnip... It's not really a pun on Turner, but it's a play on the word.

Worst pun in art?

They are based on the following criteria.

LAUGHTER

Same system the Turner use!

Let's come to Benedict Le Gauche's CV.

The 28 year old from Manchester has been accused of writing

the world's worst CV because it's too honest.

For example, what experience does Benedict have in the world of work?

Absolutely none, but keen to learn.

According to his CV, duties at earlier jobs included:

Can't be easy growing up in Manchester if you're called Benedict Le Gauche.

You try growing up in Liverpool if you're Adolf Hitler!

Benedict's CV isn't all bad, he does highlight, as you'd expect, his good points. He says he can:

That's great.

According to his covering letter:

Time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication

Grass Cuttings, the magazine of the British Lawnmower Museum. We start with:

You call it grass, I call it weed, it's a generation thing.

LAUGHTER

You call it Tommy Two Ways, I call it keeping it all your options open.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh.

Oh yes! Oh. I've met him.

Father Gabriele Amorthe, the papal exorcist. Oh yes.

He was with me for quite a time.

-It didn't work, then?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Father Gabriele Amorthe has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter deal with magic, and are evil.

Father Gabriele Amorthe is the only Catholic priest who's still interested in the Harry Potter films

since the stars passed the age of 16.

Next:

That he'd invented a quieter way to mow them down.

LAUGHTER

Ah...

Right. Next:

Keep smiling, you'll soon be out.

Keep drinking, Cleggy, you'll soon hit oblivion.

LAUGHTER

Give us a clue.

-Stop rowing? Keep rowing?

-Keep rowing!

-That was beautiful done actually.

-Wasn't it!

-You'll soon lose the weight. Is he Is he on a...

-He's on a, ah.

-It is:

This is Nick Clegg who's bought a rowing machine to help work off some weight.

It's funny, I don't remember him pledging never to buy a rowing machine.

LAUGHTER

Next:

Is there a screen inside the urinal that has a variety of daytime programmes on it?

-You're in the right direction.

-Empty your bladder while looking at Eamonn Holmes.

-LAUGHTER

-Kidney stones.

LAUGHTER

Instead of just going in there, "Oh, ooh, argh."

It's not boring. You're never alone with a pellet.

It is:

This is about a bar in south London that has installed videogames above a urinal to keep men entertained.

Unlike most videogames, you don't get a chance to upgrade your weapon.

LAUGHTER

-You were pleased that, weren't you?

-I quite liked it, yeah. Next.

Is it, here's one for free in your yoghurt?

Somebody was drinking a fudge yoghurt. It had some chunks of fudge, delicious.

And a tooth. Which is delicious if you like that sort of thing.

-Was there somebody at the bottom eating up from the other way?

-LAUGHTER

Yes, that explains it!

-It was a Muller Tooth Corner where you tip it in and fill it up with teeth.

-Exactly.

-So it is:

Whilst eating a pot of yoghurt, lorry driver David Casey bit into a rotten tooth. Here it is.

When he returned the offending pot to the local store, he was offered a refund of 68p

although he would have got more money if he'd just put it under his pillow!

Next:

I was attacked by a vicious gang of scones.

The ongoing bread wars, isn't it?

-Same woman was held up by a crumpet.

-Yeah, that's right!

I was almost brown bread, says woman saved by loaf.

-Gyles is right.

-Oh good!

This is mother of two Liz Douglas who crashed her car

and was saved when a loaf flew out of her shopping and cushioned her head.

After the accident, she suffered from whiplash

and was advised to wear a bagel!

LAUGHTER

The 51-year-old Scot is lucky to be alive,

as indeed is any Scot who is 51.

And finally:

Oh no.

LAUGHTER

We've ruled out circumcision, have we?

Yes, but not necessarily for the answer for this. I ruled it out generally...

It's too late for me now.

A lawnmower vasectomy.

-Worse.

-Oh no!

-Successfully sever own penis.

That's not a suggestion, just what I feel like doing.

LAUGHTER

Marcus was correct.

-Was it a race?

-The first?

It suggests there'd been a spate of them in Milwaukee.

It is astonishing. No matter how dangerous a machine might be,

somewhere in the world there is always a man prepared to see what happens

if he puts his penis in it.

LAUGHTER

The final scores are: Ian and Gyles have six.

-Paul and Marcus have ten.

-APPLAUSE

I leave you with news that,

as the Olympic Bus Timetabling Sub-Committee meeting enters its fourth hour,

one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.

In Northampton, there's a mixed response, as Wetherspoons starts doing breakfasts.

And, at 4am at the Autumnwatch wrap party,

there's evidence that some of the guests may have overdone things.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Thank you for your patience, for some reason it went on for rather a long time tonight.

I've no idea why. I think it was a technical thing.

It's always this length in my experience.

LAUGHTER