Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 7

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Kirsty Young and guest panellists Gyles Brandreth and Marcus Brigstocke.


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Transcript


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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

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In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before recording the show,

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Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and has second thoughts.

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At the annual professional tennis players' dinner,

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one player finds out he has got to sit next to Andy Murray.

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And at Kensington Palace, the Queen vividly recreates the moment

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when the Archbishop of Canterbury tripped over a corgi.

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On Ian's team is an ex-Conservative MP who claims his ancestor

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was the last man in Britain to be beheaded for treason,

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and his father was the first man in England to play Monopoly.

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Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.

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APPLAUSE

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Very true!

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On Paul's team is a comedian who recently revealed to the Telegraph

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that the thing that irritates him the most is people who aren't curious.

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There's probably a good reason for that but I can't be bothered to ask.

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Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.

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Ah! Autumn!

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-Oh, look!

-Right, the strike.

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-Education policy at its height.

-The apostrophe is wrong.

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-We have gone back in time to the '30s.

-We're marching.

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Two rather attractive men going somewhere interesting.

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You're not trying to get another job in the Tory party?

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No, though it is actually almost compulsory nowadays to be gay if you are a Conservative.

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It is no longer the party with its back against the wall.

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-It's erm... It got weird quicker then you said.

-Yeah , it did, didn't it?

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-You said it would get weird...

-I said it definitely would.

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..but you reckoned by about half way through.

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-We have barely started.

-They are undeniably good-looking, aren't they?

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LAUGHTER

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-Yes, no, Gyles, they're lovely.

-I know your standards are quite high,

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-but I think they're very attractive.

-Gyles, shall we focus?

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I was focussing on the essentials.

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I do assure you, in the fullness of time, what we will remember about these two guys

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is how good-looking they were. I don't think we'll remember much else.

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Have you been paid by Osborne to say consistently that he's good-looking

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so that we all forget what a weasely little bastard he is?

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-No, we honestly know what's going on. This is the terrible strike of the week.

-Yes.

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Depending on which paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.

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In the Telegraph it was a non-event. According to The Guardian:

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Over 50 million people turned up.

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Obviously the strike aroused a lot of strong passions, as you say, on either side of the argument.

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There was time, however, for some gentlemanly behaviour. Here's an ITN reporter.

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She's doing a piece to camera, quite obviously having asked everyone behind her

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to agree to keep the noise down.

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Tensions between the unions and Government have already been heightened

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following yesterday's decision by the Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%.

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That was described in the Mail as a vicious and violent uprising

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that ended in the death of eight police officers.

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Here is another picture that just proves the point.

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MARCUS: These disgusting anarchists!

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IAN: That's a proper British strike, isn't it!

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Who has been less than polite about the strikers, we're being led to understand?

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I know that Jeremy Clarkson's had a few words to say about this.

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He said that he thought they should all be taken out and shot in front of their families.

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He did say some other things before that, but they weren't very much nicer.

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He was quite keen on the idea of the strikes

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because it meant he could drive faster through London.

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The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson appeared on the One Show,

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this happened on Wednesday.

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Just so you can form your own opinion, here's what he said in context.

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-Do you think the strikes have been a good idea?

-Fantastic.

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Absolutely. Never had... London today has just been empty.

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Everybody stayed at home, you could whizz about, restaurants were empty.

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The traffic actually has been good.

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-We have to balance it though, don't we, because this is the BBC.

-Exactly.

-Yes, exactly.

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Frankly, I'd have them all shot.

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I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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How dare they go on strike?

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It's interesting to see Jeremy Clarkson in context,

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because otherwise he could've ended up on a sort of One Show naughty step in the corner, or in that attic

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where they've still got Carol Thatcher locked up.

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-He was balancing it, saying there are two sides to every story.

-It wasn't quite two sides.

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One is it's great, these strikes are wasting everyone's time,

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I can drive fast, and, on the other hand, I hate them as well.

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Gyles, as you said, we saw the beautiful George Osborne there in the film.

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He gave his autumn statement this week.

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The Mirror took their usual thoughtful, measured approach.

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That's true though, isn't it? It sounds like a joke but he did go through that.

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-Yes, he did.

-Psychologically damaged.

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It's weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics, because...

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Do you know, I think everyone feels the same!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The truth is, the one thing I could not stand about being an MP were my constituents.

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You may loathe members of Parliament,

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but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.

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The other big headline to emerge this week

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was that it's going to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the Government thought.

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It's going to take seven years, rather than five.

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Shall we hear what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to say about this.

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What the IFS have been pointing out for a while is five years of spending cuts

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is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even more.

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Just to add to the gloom, I don't know if you've been watching Jeremy Paxman this week,

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but this was him signing off from Newsnight on Tuesday.

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That's all from Newsnight tonight and we'll be back to depress you again tomorrow night.

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One of the measures that Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks.

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-It's going to go up by how much, according to the Mail?

-Point zero something, isn't it?

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-0.02% or something?

-You're very close.

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The Mail headline said:

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Technically true. It went up from:

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It was a very depressed fellow from KPMG,

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a spokesman for the accountants, who said that:

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They will all move to Greece, presumably! Or Italy, or Spain,

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or any of the other burgeoning banking economies.

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Why don't the public sector workers all threaten to leave?

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It seems to work well for the bankers. Anything happens, and they say "we'll go then".

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Just have all the nurses and teachers go, "Well we'll go as well." Everyone go.

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It would just be Jeremy Clarkson left going, "This is brilliant!"

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Meanwhile, back at Westminster, who's had their portrait unveiled?

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Oh! Speaker Bercow! It is sort of like a photo painting.

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It cost £22,000, and there he is blessing the children.

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The bloke on the right - did he get bored of painting him?

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He thought, I can't do the other side of his face. I just can't be bothered!

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Gyles, you're quite right. We did pay £22,000 for the painting. Do you know how much we paid for the frame?

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-15 grand.

-On top of that?

-On top.

-No, not on top, it's around. That's the whole idea.

-Oh, I see.

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And the coat of arms was also designed and unveiled.

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-Do you know what was in it?

-A ladder, some tennis balls...

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Sounds like a cupboard!

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-The ladder represents his journey from humble beginnings...

-To being the Speaker of the House of Commons.

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-It's not a modest statement, is it?

-No, no.

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I've got to the top of the ladder, you haven't.

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All are equal, is his view, except he's more equal than others.

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This is a busy week, which included public sector strikes

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and George Osborne's autumn statement.

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The Sunday Times pointed out that Unison boss Dave Prentis earns over £140,000 a year.

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Mind you, if he has to carry it home like that, I'd say he earns every penny.

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George Osborne delivered his autumn statement this week,

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according to the Office of Budget Responsibility's growth forecasts,

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the worst year for the economy will be 2012.

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Just as well we're not hosting any massively expensive sports extravaganza.

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Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said...

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Some people love him, some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1.

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Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

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This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks like Rupert Murdoch.

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There's Charlotte Church, she's turned been talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press.

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That's a reporter who's been interviewed.

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That's Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks.

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-If we lip read them, we can find out what's going on. And that is...

-Alastair Campbell.

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..In front of what we call the Dav Fishwick Stand.

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So that's basically what it's about, isn't it?

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Charlotte Church, she was asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage.

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Do you want £100,000 or good coverage in the press? She said £100,000, because she was 13,

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and her adviser said to go for the good coverage in the press.

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She went for good coverage, they printed a good couple of stories about her

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and then approaching her 16th birthday, The Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday

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-when it was legal to have sex with her.

-That's nice, isn't it!

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I wonder how much Blair got paid for being godfather at the christening.

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-Is he Charlotte Church's godfather as well?

-He is.

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He's the godfather of Murdoch's child, isn't he?

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-He gets about.

-Yeah, he appeared at a baptism service on the banks of the Jordan.

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They thought they'd ask Dale Winton, and then Tony Blair turned up.

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-What does Blair charge for that sort of thing?

-Baptism is 500 quid.

-Oh, really?

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-Plus expenses.

-Is it extra if he brings Cherie?

-Always.

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She was meant to sing Pie Jesu. I think she did sing it in the end, didn't she?

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Cherie Blair sang Pie Jesu?!

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I would have paid £100,000 for that!

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The other guy... Paul McMullen? Said the extraordinary thing,

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that only paedophiles need privacy, because if you're demanding privacy you must be up to something bad.

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Every time he opens his mouth, I think, that's it,

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the free press is finished. There's nothing he's embarrassed about.

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-Do you know what he said phone hacking was?

-Honourable.

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He said...

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There have been examples where phones have been hacked and stories in the public interest came out.

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Freedom of the press is immensely important in a democracy

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and it's very hard to imagine how we would manage to vote and stuff

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if we didn't know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.

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Let's see some more of his gems to the committee. He said,

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"Phone hacking brings to light stories which people want to hide because no-one needs privacy."

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When it came to describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks,

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he described them as...

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And...

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And when he was asked why, he said...

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He did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson

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not only knew about phone hacking

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but that indeed they ordered it.

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Brooks and Coulson, of course, deny this, as we know.

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Of course, you're adding that for balance.

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The only lightning, of course, was thank goodness Alastair Campbell turned up.

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Up to that point it was looking pretty dire for the press.

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But then Campbell said, the press, would you believe it, people leak stories and the press run them.

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This is from New Labour's spin doctor.

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It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.

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He also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop

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on Cherie Blair's fourth baby was obtained through phone hacking.

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He would probably know, he used to work for the Mirror. He could ring up his old mates.

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-But Piers Morgan was editor then, so that can't be right, can it?

-Oh, no!

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When's Piers Morgan being called to Leveson?

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-He's having to give a statement.

-Is he?

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I think Mr Leveson is going over to appear on Piers' show.

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Oh, nice.

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This is week two of the Leveson Inquiry.

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Charlotte Church said she was surprised to be asked

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to sing Pie Jesu at Rupert Murdoch's wedding as...

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Though presumably it had been requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng.

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JK Rowling told the inquiry she was horrified

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when a journalist tried to contact her by...

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She knew it couldn't be from her daughter

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as it was badly written and full of spelling mistakes.

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Given that we have been talking about miserable celebrities,

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let's see some celebrities having a jolly old time of it.

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# Consider yourself well in

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# Consider yourself part of the furniture

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# There isn't a lot to spare

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# Who cares?

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# Whatever we've got, we share

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# For after some consideration we can state

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# Consider yourself

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# One of us. #

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Wow! There we are!

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There goes the BBC's Christmas budget.

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There will be no programmes on Christmas Day,

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just that, on a loop, followed by an apology.

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For some reason, Paul and I weren't asked to be on that.

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I couldn't make it.

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Just me then!

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-I'd have thought I was jolly enough.

-Exactly.

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-I'd have joined in the fun.

-On top of the tree, you'd look lovely.

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Gyles, how much did you get for renting them your jumpers?

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Exactly!

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For 20 years I was vilified for wearing that kind of knitwear,

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and now look, a job lot.

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Worn by national treasures, that's how they define the people who are in that, you know.

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The national treasures are all there. And we are here.

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Why did we watch that?

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-It was to cheer us all up.

-I see!

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And so, to round two.

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-The Strengthometer of News.

-Hurray!

-Oh, yes!

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Is that the mallet of wisdom?

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I bloody well hope so!

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Go on then.

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Here's the first one.

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BUZZER

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Well, this elaborately Photoshoped image...

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Hitler, I think, had a sister who lived in Liverpool before the First World War.

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The idea Hitler spent time in Liverpool is considered amusing.

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This is indeed it. Author Mike Unger

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has written the book...

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Which explores the theory that Hitler stayed in a flat in Toxteth

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with his married half-brother, Alois,

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from November 1912 to April of 1913.

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According to the Daily Mail, Alois sent money over

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so that his sister, Angela, could come and join him...

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The more you hear about him...

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-What kind of house guest...?

-Was he vegetarian?

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Not voluntarily. He was a bit intolerant to meat. One of those.

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You know, you invite them and they're like,

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"Oh, I can't eat this and I can't eat that." You know, fussy bugger.

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-AS HITLER:

-These potatoes are cold.

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-Uncanny.

-He's turned into a Dalek.

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I love the idea that he was intolerant to meat.

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It wasn't his only intolerance.

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According to The Sun...

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Yes, particularly the way it just opened like that.

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-Hitler was apparently...

-You've got a load of Hitler gags.

-Good, isn't it?

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-I'll just get the joke book out.

-HE BLOWS

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LAUGHTER

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Hitler was, apparently, a regular in his local pub where he never caused any trouble.

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On one occasion, he did down a pint rather quickly, but he was only obeying last orders.

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Phwoo!

0:18:250:18:27

I liked it!

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-You are only following autocue, this is all right...

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-I vill ask ze questions, so be careful.

-Yes, indeed.

0:18:340:18:37

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

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Sorry! I just acted quickly, I heard the words of command!

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-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-That Hitler's a funny bloke? Have you seen him? Lives next door.

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Nasty bit of work, that Hitler.

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He'll start a world war, watch my words.

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I can't put this fag out.

0:18:570:18:59

Sorry.

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BUZZER

0:19:050:19:06

-Right, Paul and Marcus.

-There's a woman being inflated on the beach.

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That's the girl accused of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician.

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They found that she wasn't a Russian spy, just a Russian!

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-You're quite right.

-They thought she was a spy. She'd go into the Commons canteen and say...

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-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"The sausages are cold for this time of year."

0:19:270:19:31

"The seagull flies high above Krakow." It sounded like secret messages.

0:19:310:19:35

I think they thought she was a spy because

0:19:350:19:38

she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic Party.

0:19:380:19:41

-Not very well informed then?

-No.

0:19:410:19:43

They thought, what other reason could there possibly be?

0:19:430:19:47

Phoning the Kremlin going, "They're going to make corduroy compulsory."

0:19:470:19:51

-This is Katia Zatuliveter who had...

-You've practised that, haven't you?

0:19:540:19:58

-SHE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN

-Yeah, that was very good.

0:19:580:20:01

-That's all my Russian.

-Very good. Did you just learn her name?

-No, I just said, "of course".

0:20:010:20:05

That was "of course"? Blimey.

0:20:050:20:07

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:20:070:20:11

-Ooh! Very good.

-APPLAUSE

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Hold on a minute. I just want to ring MI5!

0:20:170:20:20

LAUGHTER

0:20:200:20:22

We fell for the oldest trick in the book, inviting you on the show.

0:20:220:20:25

This show's not going out, these are cardboard figures!

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That's not Gyles Brandreth, that's a puppet.

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From the Muppet Show!

0:20:330:20:36

Wish it was.

0:20:360:20:37

Anyway. This woman had an affair with the Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.

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Not just him, though. She had a thing for older men with not much power.

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-Marcus...

-Oh, Gyles!

-Yeah, exactly!

0:20:500:20:54

I never met her. I would have been drawn to her because, looking at the picture,

0:20:540:20:58

she looks a little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl...

0:20:580:21:03

on holiday.

0:21:030:21:06

LAUGHTER

0:21:060:21:07

When you say you're drawn to her,

0:21:070:21:09

it's important you know those two men aren't part of the package!

0:21:090:21:12

She's been cleared by an immigration tribunal

0:21:140:21:17

of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial evidence that won her her fight to stay?

0:21:170:21:21

-She kept a diary.

-Wouldn't that be your cover anyway, to have a diary that said,

0:21:210:21:27

"I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it." You'd write things like that, wouldn't you?

0:21:270:21:31

The tribunal concluded that the pair's four-year liaison was:

0:21:310:21:36

Adding:

0:21:390:21:40

Which I think seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?

0:21:420:21:45

Gyles, you are a bit of a Tommy Two Ways. Do you think he is attractive?

0:21:450:21:48

LAUGHTER

0:21:480:21:50

APPLAUSE

0:21:500:21:52

You've boasted about it many times.

0:21:550:21:58

I'm sorry, I told Kirsty in confidence!

0:21:580:22:00

LAUGHTER

0:22:000:22:01

What did we learn from her diary that might have convinced the panel?

0:22:010:22:06

We wouldn't read other people's diaries.

0:22:060:22:08

Ian might because, at certain occasions in the public interest, that's justified.

0:22:080:22:12

Quite right, yep.

0:22:120:22:14

Katia said in her diary:

0:22:150:22:18

-Another Russian in the news this week is Vladimir Putin.

-He wants to be president again.

-Quite right.

0:22:320:22:37

-He's secured the official nomination.

-That must have been tough!

0:22:370:22:40

He's not as popular as he was. Do you know what evidence we have?

0:22:400:22:43

Is he down to 99% approval?

0:22:430:22:46

He was booed and jeered and whistled at,

0:22:460:22:48

during an appearance at a martial arts fight at Moscow Olympic Stadium. Let's look.

0:22:480:22:52

BOOING

0:22:520:22:54

BOOING DROWNS SPEECH

0:22:560:22:59

Do we know how Putin's people explained this?

0:23:030:23:06

There was very little booing, in fact, many were cheering, going: "You... vwoo-yay!"

0:23:060:23:12

They said:

0:23:120:23:14

What has Russian newsreader Tatyana Limanova been up to this week?

0:23:200:23:24

-Is she the one who did the finger?

-Shall we take a look?

0:23:240:23:27

READING IN RUSSIAN: ..Barack Obama.

0:23:270:23:30

She's been sacked for mentioning Barack Obama and doing that.

0:23:340:23:39

She was just checking the way the wind was blowing.

0:23:390:23:42

It was to the producers who'd said she couldn't mention Obama. Or that was for Obama.

0:23:420:23:47

The belief is that was for Obama. Subsequently she explained it by saying:

0:23:470:23:52

If the autocue's a bit shaky, you can explain that by going...

0:23:560:24:00

Or if you need to see it twice... All those.

0:24:050:24:08

-Did that never happen to you when you were on the news?

-Did I ever do that?

0:24:080:24:12

Were you ever misinterpreted?

0:24:140:24:16

Germaine Greer once said (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) she couldn't understand a word I was saying.

0:24:160:24:20

Which was rich.

0:24:200:24:22

So. How satisfying. It's 14 years since she said that, and now I've got her back.

0:24:240:24:29

APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:31

This is Katia Zatuliveter who had an affair with Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.

0:24:360:24:41

But was cleared by an immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy.

0:24:410:24:45

Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a spy, and simply formed:

0:24:450:24:51

Adding: "Call me."

0:24:540:24:57

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:25:000:25:02

-BUZZER

-This was the guy who burgled a house, and he caught and sentenced.

0:25:050:25:10

As part of the sentence he had to write a letter to the person to say, "I'm sorry I burgled your house."

0:25:100:25:15

He wrote: "You're really stupid. I wouldn't leave a window open, you deserve everything, you're a loser."

0:25:150:25:20

"Yours sincerely, the man who's got your record player."

0:25:200:25:24

Or whatever those machines are called these days.

0:25:260:25:28

Let's look at what he said.

0:25:280:25:30

David Cameron!

0:26:050:26:07

Does anyone know what the 16 year old stole?

0:26:090:26:13

Oh... Our hearts? I don't know.

0:26:130:26:16

LAUGHTER

0:26:160:26:17

He stole:

0:26:180:26:21

Clearly not a dictionary. What did the victims think when they got his letter?

0:26:230:26:27

That he might have put a stamp on it.

0:26:270:26:30

They never got it, it was held back by the authorities because it might have been deeply distressing.

0:26:300:26:35

According to Javed Khan, chief executive of Victim Support:

0:26:350:26:38

Obviously far better to release it to the national press.

0:26:420:26:45

LAUGHTER

0:26:450:26:47

In other news. Why was Rossie Brovent unhappy with her nice new tattoo?

0:26:470:26:52

This is excellent.

0:26:520:26:54

This woman, I believe, had an affair, that she thought her partner who was a tattoo artist didn't know about.

0:26:540:27:00

She said, will you do a tattoo on my back? He said, yes, sign this to say whatever I put on will be fine.

0:27:000:27:06

She said, all right. And he put an enormous turd on there.

0:27:060:27:09

-Is that the story?

-That indeed is the story. She thought...

0:27:100:27:14

LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:17

I haven't seen it, I just heard about it. Look at that.

0:27:170:27:21

Magnificent. Well done, him.

0:27:210:27:24

Isn't it a pile of croissants, one laid above another?

0:27:240:27:27

-You're a glass half full boy, aren't you?

-I am.

0:27:270:27:30

I think the flies give an indication.

0:27:300:27:32

She thought he was doing a pretty scene of Narnia on her back.

0:27:320:27:38

This is the 16-year-old burglar who wrote an unapologetic letter of apology which said:

0:27:380:27:42

A line lifted from Tony Blair's autobiography.

0:27:450:27:49

OK, here's the next one.

0:27:490:27:52

BUZZER

0:27:520:27:54

Right, this is fantastic, they've invented a piece of plastic that can do the limbo dance.

0:27:540:27:59

A robot that can go under that little line of glass, and come out the other side. Intelligent robot.

0:27:590:28:05

-That's it, isn't it?

-Yes. It is.

0:28:050:28:07

-This is the news that American roboticists...

-Bastards!

0:28:070:28:10

-Have finally invented -

-American roboticists, all these bloody robots, yargh!

0:28:100:28:15

LAUGHTER

0:28:150:28:17

Just injecting some energy!

0:28:170:28:19

Thought the show needed it, sorry.

0:28:210:28:25

Promise not to do it again.

0:28:250:28:27

They've finally invented a limbo dancing -

0:28:270:28:30

Finally, at last!

0:28:300:28:32

A limbo dancing robot, get stuck in!

0:28:330:28:37

-And it can change shape and wiggle. Let's take a look at it.

-Yeah!

0:28:370:28:40

-Oh.

-Ooh.

0:28:400:28:44

-Oh.

-That could be my honeymoon!

0:28:440:28:46

LAUGHTER

0:28:460:28:48

This is the limbo dancing robot that can wriggle into the tightest spaces.

0:28:540:28:59

The robot has a range of emotions, including:

0:28:590:29:01

Already been tipped to take over as royal correspondent from Nicholas Witchell!

0:29:030:29:07

Several other new robots have been unveiled this week.

0:29:070:29:11

One robot, called Dex, is able to:

0:29:110:29:14

All they need to do now is add a rampant rabbit, and the male of the species is dead.

0:29:160:29:21

LAUGHTER

0:29:230:29:25

Is that a heraldic term, a "rampant rabbit"?

0:29:260:29:31

Best you don't go any further.

0:29:310:29:33

Time now for the odd one out round. Your four are:

0:29:350:29:37

The winner of the Turnip Art Prize.

0:29:370:29:40

David Cameron, Madron FC, and the CV of Benedict Le Gauche?

0:29:400:29:44

BUZZER

0:29:440:29:46

The Turnip Award, I've never heard of that, but would suggest it's an award for a bad piece of art.

0:29:460:29:51

You have the Turner award, so Turnip, maybe it's about not being very good.

0:29:510:29:55

The football team, now teams you've never heard

0:29:550:29:58

are either famous because they win every match or lose every match.

0:29:580:30:01

I'm assuming it must be about losing as it's the Turnip Prize.

0:30:010:30:04

This is where I run out of steam cos I've never heard of Benedict Le Gauche or indeed David Cameron!

0:30:040:30:10

-So, is it about failure?

-It might be.

-Might be? That means it is.

0:30:110:30:16

-Did Benedict Le Gauche send in thousands of CVs?

-CVs. You're on the right line.

0:30:160:30:20

I got that because it says curriculum vitae!

0:30:200:30:24

-I'm just trying to be encouraging.

-I know. Patronising is good, too.

0:30:240:30:28

-I'm sure she didn't mean it.

-No?!

0:30:300:30:32

They're prizes for being bad at stuff.

0:30:320:30:35

So, the Turnip Prize is a bad thing. That football team is the worst in the league, the wooden spoon.

0:30:350:30:41

The curriculum vitae, he's got the worst CV anyone's ever seen.

0:30:410:30:45

So the odd one out is David Cameron for none of the above reasons.

0:30:450:30:48

Who's won a prize this week as GQ Man of the Year,

0:30:480:30:52

-runner up to the gentleman on my right who became GQ... What did you become?

-Playmate?

0:30:520:30:57

LAUGHTER

0:30:570:31:00

-Playmate of the Year!

-Wa-hey! APPLAUSE

0:31:020:31:05

-David Cameron is the odd one out.

-Because?

-He's failed totally.

0:31:060:31:10

LAUGHTER

0:31:100:31:13

They have all been described as the worst ever, apart from David Cameron

0:31:130:31:17

who is merely the worst politician in British history since William Gladstone.

0:31:170:31:22

-Patrick Mercer said that.

-Indeed he did.

0:31:220:31:25

A renegade MP, was overheard saying it.

0:31:250:31:27

-He was caught on tape at a London party saying it.

-What an invasion of his privacy!

0:31:270:31:32

How dare we know what MPs think of their leader.

0:31:320:31:35

He went on to say about David Cameron:

0:31:350:31:37

He also said that Cameron was an:

0:31:450:31:47

Madron FC, the Cornish football team, have been described as

0:31:540:31:57

the worst ever to grace British soil after losing all their season's matches.

0:31:570:32:03

-Their worst result was...?

-36-0?

0:32:030:32:05

55-0.

0:32:050:32:07

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:32:070:32:09

Things got so bad for the team that the phrase, if you don't want to know the score, look away now,

0:32:090:32:14

became a part of the manager's pre-match pep talk.

0:32:140:32:17

They recently broke their losing run with a 4-3 victory in a friendly against the Scottish national side.

0:32:190:32:26

LAUGHTER

0:32:260:32:28

Ha ha ha!

0:32:280:32:29

The Turnip Prize looks to find the worst possible art.

0:32:320:32:35

Last year's winner was a plate holding a large chilli and three small ones.

0:32:350:32:41

It represented a very disappointing episode of Masterchef!

0:32:410:32:44

LAUGHTER

0:32:440:32:45

We can take a look at it. Chilean miners, it represented.

0:32:450:32:48

LAUGHTER

0:32:480:32:50

-Shall we look at one from this year?

-Yeah.

-What do you think this one's called?

0:32:500:32:54

Stuffed to the gills?

0:32:540:32:56

-Fish bank?

-That's good.

-Fish bank!

0:32:560:32:58

LAUGHTER

0:32:580:33:00

-I didn't say it was great, I said it might be the title.

-It is:

0:33:000:33:04

One of the so-called artworks is a bottle of meat containing small dolls entitled:

0:33:080:33:13

What criteria do you think the Turnip Prize entries are judged on?

0:33:190:33:24

They must be puns. The Turnip... It's not really a pun on Turner, but it's a play on the word.

0:33:240:33:29

Worst pun in art?

0:33:290:33:32

They are based on the following criteria.

0:33:320:33:34

LAUGHTER

0:33:400:33:41

Same system the Turner use!

0:33:450:33:47

Let's come to Benedict Le Gauche's CV.

0:33:480:33:51

The 28 year old from Manchester has been accused of writing

0:33:510:33:55

the world's worst CV because it's too honest.

0:33:550:33:57

For example, what experience does Benedict have in the world of work?

0:33:570:34:01

Absolutely none, but keen to learn.

0:34:010:34:04

According to his CV, duties at earlier jobs included:

0:34:040:34:08

Can't be easy growing up in Manchester if you're called Benedict Le Gauche.

0:34:230:34:28

You try growing up in Liverpool if you're Adolf Hitler!

0:34:280:34:31

Benedict's CV isn't all bad, he does highlight, as you'd expect, his good points. He says he can:

0:34:310:34:36

That's great.

0:34:470:34:49

According to his covering letter:

0:34:490:34:53

Time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication

0:35:030:35:08

Grass Cuttings, the magazine of the British Lawnmower Museum. We start with:

0:35:080:35:13

You call it grass, I call it weed, it's a generation thing.

0:35:160:35:21

LAUGHTER

0:35:210:35:23

You call it Tommy Two Ways, I call it keeping it all your options open.

0:35:230:35:28

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:280:35:30

Oh.

0:35:360:35:38

Oh yes! Oh. I've met him.

0:35:380:35:40

Father Gabriele Amorthe, the papal exorcist. Oh yes.

0:35:400:35:45

He was with me for quite a time.

0:35:450:35:47

-It didn't work, then?

-No.

0:35:470:35:49

LAUGHTER

0:35:490:35:51

Father Gabriele Amorthe has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter deal with magic, and are evil.

0:35:510:35:58

Father Gabriele Amorthe is the only Catholic priest who's still interested in the Harry Potter films

0:35:580:36:04

since the stars passed the age of 16.

0:36:040:36:06

Next:

0:36:080:36:10

That he'd invented a quieter way to mow them down.

0:36:150:36:17

LAUGHTER

0:36:170:36:21

Ah...

0:36:300:36:31

Right. Next:

0:36:310:36:32

Keep smiling, you'll soon be out.

0:36:350:36:39

Keep drinking, Cleggy, you'll soon hit oblivion.

0:36:390:36:42

LAUGHTER

0:36:420:36:44

Give us a clue.

0:36:440:36:45

-Stop rowing? Keep rowing?

-Keep rowing!

0:36:450:36:49

-That was beautiful done actually.

-Wasn't it!

0:36:490:36:52

-You'll soon lose the weight. Is he Is he on a...

-He's on a, ah.

-It is:

0:36:520:36:55

This is Nick Clegg who's bought a rowing machine to help work off some weight.

0:37:000:37:03

It's funny, I don't remember him pledging never to buy a rowing machine.

0:37:030:37:08

LAUGHTER

0:37:080:37:09

Next:

0:37:090:37:11

Is there a screen inside the urinal that has a variety of daytime programmes on it?

0:37:130:37:18

-You're in the right direction.

-Empty your bladder while looking at Eamonn Holmes.

0:37:180:37:22

-LAUGHTER

-Kidney stones.

0:37:220:37:24

LAUGHTER

0:37:240:37:26

Instead of just going in there, "Oh, ooh, argh."

0:37:270:37:31

It's not boring. You're never alone with a pellet.

0:37:310:37:34

It is:

0:37:360:37:37

This is about a bar in south London that has installed videogames above a urinal to keep men entertained.

0:37:390:37:46

Unlike most videogames, you don't get a chance to upgrade your weapon.

0:37:460:37:49

LAUGHTER

0:37:490:37:52

-You were pleased that, weren't you?

-I quite liked it, yeah. Next.

0:37:540:37:59

Is it, here's one for free in your yoghurt?

0:38:010:38:04

Somebody was drinking a fudge yoghurt. It had some chunks of fudge, delicious.

0:38:040:38:09

And a tooth. Which is delicious if you like that sort of thing.

0:38:090:38:14

-Was there somebody at the bottom eating up from the other way?

-LAUGHTER

0:38:140:38:18

Yes, that explains it!

0:38:180:38:20

-It was a Muller Tooth Corner where you tip it in and fill it up with teeth.

-Exactly.

-So it is:

0:38:200:38:26

Whilst eating a pot of yoghurt, lorry driver David Casey bit into a rotten tooth. Here it is.

0:38:310:38:37

When he returned the offending pot to the local store, he was offered a refund of 68p

0:38:390:38:43

although he would have got more money if he'd just put it under his pillow!

0:38:430:38:47

Next:

0:38:470:38:49

I was attacked by a vicious gang of scones.

0:38:530:38:55

The ongoing bread wars, isn't it?

0:38:570:38:59

-Same woman was held up by a crumpet.

-Yeah, that's right!

0:38:590:39:02

I was almost brown bread, says woman saved by loaf.

0:39:020:39:06

-Gyles is right.

-Oh good!

0:39:060:39:09

This is mother of two Liz Douglas who crashed her car

0:39:130:39:16

and was saved when a loaf flew out of her shopping and cushioned her head.

0:39:160:39:20

After the accident, she suffered from whiplash

0:39:200:39:23

and was advised to wear a bagel!

0:39:230:39:24

LAUGHTER

0:39:240:39:26

The 51-year-old Scot is lucky to be alive,

0:39:290:39:32

as indeed is any Scot who is 51.

0:39:320:39:35

And finally:

0:39:370:39:39

Oh no.

0:39:430:39:44

LAUGHTER

0:39:440:39:46

We've ruled out circumcision, have we?

0:39:460:39:50

Yes, but not necessarily for the answer for this. I ruled it out generally...

0:39:500:39:54

It's too late for me now.

0:39:540:39:57

A lawnmower vasectomy.

0:39:570:40:00

-Worse.

-Oh no!

-Successfully sever own penis.

0:40:000:40:03

That's not a suggestion, just what I feel like doing.

0:40:030:40:06

LAUGHTER

0:40:060:40:08

Marcus was correct.

0:40:080:40:10

-Was it a race?

-The first?

0:40:150:40:17

It suggests there'd been a spate of them in Milwaukee.

0:40:170:40:20

It is astonishing. No matter how dangerous a machine might be,

0:40:200:40:24

somewhere in the world there is always a man prepared to see what happens

0:40:240:40:27

if he puts his penis in it.

0:40:270:40:29

LAUGHTER

0:40:290:40:31

The final scores are: Ian and Gyles have six.

0:40:310:40:35

-Paul and Marcus have ten.

-APPLAUSE

0:40:350:40:38

I leave you with news that,

0:40:430:40:45

as the Olympic Bus Timetabling Sub-Committee meeting enters its fourth hour,

0:40:450:40:49

one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.

0:40:490:40:52

In Northampton, there's a mixed response, as Wetherspoons starts doing breakfasts.

0:40:570:41:02

And, at 4am at the Autumnwatch wrap party,

0:41:050:41:08

there's evidence that some of the guests may have overdone things.

0:41:080:41:13

Good night.

0:41:180:41:19

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:230:41:25

E-mail [email protected]

0:41:250:41:27

Thank you for your patience, for some reason it went on for rather a long time tonight.

0:41:540:41:59

I've no idea why. I think it was a technical thing.

0:41:590:42:03

It's always this length in my experience.

0:42:030:42:06

LAUGHTER

0:42:060:42:08