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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Miranda Hart.
In the news this week, at a clinic in Richmond,
there was an unwelcome sight for Vince Cable
as a surgeon begins his haemorrhoidectomy.
We won't come in if you don't want us to!
On holiday in the Bahamas,
it looks like John Prescott's weight loss programme is beginning to work.
And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option
but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.
Time to get yourself a nice, warm woolly this autumn.
It's available through any of the 300 high street branches
of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
With Ian is a Labour MP who loves computer games,
he spends hours indulging in virtual fantasy role-playing.
Or as we know it, being in the Shadow Cabinet.
Please welcome Tom Watson.
With Paul is an American stand-up,
recently described as a six-foot-tall,
husky-voiced sex icon. I'm sorry.
Recently described BY a six-foot-tall,
husky-voiced sex icon.
Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
And with start with the biggest stories of the week.
Ian and Tom, take a look at this.
Oh, that's a couple who love each other.
Oh, a couple who don't!
Oh, look, there's Meryl Streep, she's taking over again.
Ahh, a British bulldog.
Anyway, this is a very exciting story.
It's the Euro.
By the time this goes out, Europe will have been saved.
We don't know.
But apparently it's extraordinary - they're going to rescue the Euro.
The Tory Party's in revolt, there could be a referendum,
they could ask the public what we think about Europe.
It's very dangerous! Thank you.
What's your position?
-Er, on the Euro or on Europe?
-Is Labour split on this, too?
If Tories are revolting...
Generally, we're... Yeah. I think we're keeping very quiet on it
and waiting for David Cameron to save the day.
-You're waiting for Cameron to save the day?!
So you're just going to do nothing and then just hope they mess it up.
Well, I'm going to do nothing, cos I'm not a very good politician.
But I'm sure... I'm sure Ed Miliband would, er...
I'm sure my leader's got a plan.
I love that. Refreshing candour - the deputy chairman says,
-"Oh, I'm not a very good politician."
Well, I've only got the job... You know, Ed, he called me in and said,
"You know, I'm going to make you vice-chairman of the Labour Party.
"You're going to join the Shadow Cabinet."
I said, "Is it because of my forensic examination of Rupert Murdoch?"
He said, "No, I just need someone who's more unpopular with The Sun."
They had it in for you for ages. Cos you sued The Sun once.
And they said, "We're going to get Tom Watson."
And then you asked rude questions about Rupert Murdoch.
-And then you called him "a mafia don."
-Which isn't nice, is it?
Well, they were very upset about it and they sent me a letter of complaint...
-..pinned to a horse's head.
According to the People newspaper last Sunday,
what are the Germans doing these days, just in case?
Saving when we're not?
They are actually printing new Deutschmarks to be on the safe side.
Better safe than sorry.
I mean, the whole audience murmured like, "Those dirty Germs again!"
There has been recent history between our two countries.
Y'all going to win the World Cup anyway.
Can I just say could I have my fee in cash, please? My fee in cash.
-What cash do you want? Euros, Deutschmarks?
-Pound is the safest.
-South African Rand.
-That's probably better. I'll go with Rand.
Fee in Rand.
I kind of like something about Germany having their own money.
Sounds like Angela Merkel was raised well by her mother. It's like,
you go and talk to them world leaders,
but you take your own money, you hear?
I love the idea they say if Europe goes ahead with a solution,
Britain will be left on the sidelines.
While the middle collapses!
That would be awful.
We would be left watching everyone else collapse!
I hope that doesn't happen(!)
The Guardian summed it up for me when they said:
I knew that. I absolutely knew that.
I was talking to my cousin Ray-Ray last week, I was telling him the same thing.
Sarkozy and Merkel have been meeting again this wee as we saw
and there's another summit on Friday, what has David Cameron
been saying about any proposed changes to European treaties?
He has been saying tell us what you're going to do Angela
and we will do it.
You don't like David Cameron very much, do you?
- He doesn't really like me. - Really?
I keep putting in Freedom of Information requests about
the cost of his luxury Notting Hill kitchen in Number 10 Downing Street.
Which is decent of you after the expenses row you were caught up in!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
They are fighting amongst themselves. We will beat the hell out of them!
Ever since Hislop made that comment about all the money he stole
their confidence went down.
I didn't say stole, I said claimed!
-And it's all behind you.
-He's begging for approval but it's too late!
-The approval counter is shut.
-Give us point for that.
You can't get a point for pointing out
they are fighting amongst themselves. We wouldn't get a point for that.
We need to get a point for answering a question right.
But if we got in their head and intimidated them and it made them
unravel before the game started, we could have a point for that.
But would there be any fun in winning over what would be
the remains of human detritus?
I'm American, I don't know anything!
A win is a win.
I only say this in case they get a picture up
but Ian you bear a remarkable resemblance to Archie Andrews
who was a ventriloquist's dummy in the 1950s.
He used to wear a blazer just like that.
Peter Brough and Archie Andrews, bung it up halfway through the show
and if we don't know what it is, I was wrong, if we do I was right.
I will take that in the spirit it's meant.
That's exactly what you gonna do.
Sarkozy also had a sneaky dig at Britain this week,
do you know what he said?
Speaking in English, he said France was now more
"business friendly" than the UK,
although what he actually said was:
Easily amused, the Indian/Welsh...
I can't do accents.
I might keep that in the pouch, man. You know, like when you tell someone, that was a joke,
to keep them from being offended at what you just said.
It's kind of cool to go, "I'm sorry, that was simply a pleasantry."
So also in the news this week has been Standard & Poor.
Which makes me think of my school report.
What have they been up to?
Reg, you know all about this business shizzle.
I'm sorry, Snoop, could you repeat what you just said?
They are downgrading the credit rating of every country in the Eurozone
Why did you ask me about that?
You asked me about that because black people often have bad credit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Sarkozy and Merkel...
And I can't bring myself to say
Merkozy, as they're calling them. Common!
They were annoyed with Standard & Poor, why was that?
Cos they don't think it helps, dropping the credit rating
of all European countries on the eve of trying to sort it out.
According to The Star:
That'll be Merkel, I expect.
How was the latest rescue proposal received?
Well the DAX went down 1.3
and the CAC lost 0.7.
-That's so weird!
I mean weird as in clever and freakishly knowledgeable.
-Is it true?
-I read it on the autocue.
Well, that would explain it!
You ruined that joke with your stealing of stuff!
Get him, take the point from him!
Look, it was just a pleasantry.
Do you know, it was very funny.
-Shall we cheer ourselves up?
-Shall I tell you how?
Let's look at some expensive cars
that some rich people have just written off on a motorway.
It was a convoy of luxury sports cars including six Ferraris
and a Lamborghini that came a cropper on a road in Japan.
Does anyone know where they were headed?
MAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE
Oh, it's... We've gone to the floor, have we?
Just call me David Dimbleby. Right.
Where did you say?
Can I just say, it was lovely to heard from you, but shh now.
And finally, the first results of the PM's much vaunted
happiness survey have been published.
How happy do you think are Britons out of 10?
6.7. Happy percent.
-Out of 10.
-Quite close. 7.4.
So, we are pretty happy.
I mean, British people are fantastic it's just that they're not
the most festive people.
Unless they are drinking or there is a band playing in a muddy
You're pretty reserved about the emotion thing, period.
In fact, I think self-loathing is the national sport.
And I think people learn to self-loathe so they can join in.
Then they can be happy being with other people who hate their self.
Keep it light, Reg.
-It might have gone down since then!
Does anyone know any of the questions
they were asked in the survey?
Are you happy?
Are you filled with self-loathing and therefore unable to enjoy
yourself except in the company of other self-loathers?
You are mocking what I said but it's true.
That's the reason you bought it back up, because it hurt a little bit!
Would you smile at a sea lion playing trumpet?
Is that one of the questions?
-Would that one have hurt, Tom?
-It's a hard one to answer.
When you're a politician.
The self-loathing thing is working with you.
I'm 7.4 on the self-loathing scale.
You're a politician, you got a hard job.
You can't tell the truth, but then you often accused of not being honest
but if you told the actual truth, you'd be out of a job in a week.
I want to be on your team.
Well, of course you do
because you know the man next to you don't like you.
Indecently, 2.7% of the people surveyed
said they were completely happy - 10/10/
See the survey's taking place in Britain and you asking people
about happiness and what the survey does not account for
is the level of sarcasm in everybody's answer.
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, I am completely happy (!)"
-You have been in the news this week.
In connection with the phone hacking scandal.
-You were on the committee that investigates it. Are you not?
Yes, apparently you were followed for five days
by a News of the World private detective.
Tell me, what were you up to?
I was at the Labour Party Conference.
I was drinking a lot of beer with Trade Unionists, mainly,
and I rang my private investigator -
I obviously know him now, his name's Derek...
..and I rang him up and said, "Hello, Derek, my name's Tom, you followed me at the Labour Party Conference,"
He said, "I remember you, Tom, you were out all night drinking beer."
-Are you friends now?
-Well, he's very upset with Rupert Murdoch.
He said Rupert Murdoch didn't pay him enough money when they closed the News of The World, so...
I've actually spent most of the week finding him an employment lawyer.
So, he's suing News International for breach of contract.
You're helping out the bloke who spied on you for five days?
-I'm warming to you
You should meet him, he's got a lot o talk about, Ian, you could, er...
Yes, so this is the latest instalment of the Eurozone crisis.
One Tory MP asked David Cameron during Question Time
whether he would seize the chance to claw back power from Europe. Cameron's reply was:
Which I believe is Boris Johnson for yes.
On a more cheerful note, several luxury cars were involved
in a multi-million-pound pile up in Japan.
The story cheered almost everyone up except for Japanese newsreaders
who had to keep saying Ferrari.
So, Paul and Reg, take a look at this.
This is pandas, pandas are arriving in Scotland as is suggested.
These are the pandas and panda dolls
that were being sold as souvenirs as they were arriving.
Where's the pandas? Oh, God, is this Edinburgh?
Um, they are feeding the pandas.
So it's pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, and as someone pointed out this week,
there's now more pandas in Scotland than Tories.
Yes, it's the arrival of the two pandas at Edinburgh zoo.
Notoriously slow-moving and incommunicative, with glum expressions and a poor diet,
the Scots were still pleased to see the pandas arrive.
They don't breed well cos they eat a lot of bamboo. Whenever they feel like having sex, they can't.
It's like seeing a sexy woman but you can't do anything cos you've eaten a sideboard.
They're putting them in two separate cages
cos they only breed for four days a year.
It's a hell of a four days, though!
They're connecting these two things with what they're calling a love tunnel.
I don't think it's called that really amongst biologists
but I know what you're saying. A love tunnel!
According to The Mail:
Well, it's not the be-all and end-all, is it?
I would have thought that it would be difficult
for two very fat things to have sex,
Like, it's all right if one thing is very fat,
and the other thing is not so fat,
then you could get an angle of trajectory...
..that would, um, please everyone.
-Oh, I see!
If you get the angle of trajectory, then you will find your love tunnel
and then... But it's harder to do that when both creatures are very fat.
It's hard to get purchase, if you will.
But these pandas cos £700,000 a year - that's a lot of bamboo.
That's costing them a fortune.
Yeah, it was billed as a gift from China, but it isn't.
-Oh, they came from China?
You know, they say China getting ready to take over the world
and China has rough human rights issues.
Where do they get off giving people panda bears?
Y'all better be careful, they might be some Trojan pandas.
I think that's exactly the point of giving these pandas.
They're importing huge amounts of Scottish fish, suddenly,
not Norwegian fish, cos the Norwegians raised objections to their human rights programme.
-So they don't give no panda bears?
-They're buying Scottish fish and everyone's got to shut up.
-So they sent the panda bears to Scotland as a
-you to Norway.
It's costing £700,000 a year
which includes all their food. Now, Tom, food...
-Are you still allowed to claim at all on expenses.
Is it true that you spent so much on food at M&S that they gave you
a free pizza wheel as a gift?
Sort of, you got that story slightly wrong but I did get a pizza wheel,
yeah, and it, obviously because I'm a very fat man,
featured quite heavily in the newspapers
during the expenses scandal
- Actually, Tom,
-you're not very fat.
-Like, of you got with somebody of equal fatness...
It's the angle of trajectory, is... It's the angle of trajectory.
Can you imagine how delighted the pun writers were
-on the national newspapers this week?
PANDA-ing to China over its human rights.
My favourite pun was in The Sun.
-"Black eye the noo".
So, yes, this is the shock news that vegetables will be eaten
in Scotland with the arrival of two Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.
It's difficult for pandas to reproduce
because according to the Mail:
New Year's Eve, the office party,
and when she wants a wardrobe shifting.
Time now for the one-armed bandit of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
-Ian and Tom.
The Muppet Show in America has been accused by Fox TV,
which is a right-wing news channel, of deliberately spreading communism.
Er, amongst the under-fives.
And they're serious! They think the Muppets
are deliberately spreading a communist message.
Because the businessman in the film
is going to close down the Muppet Theatre.
The Muppets have been accused by Fox News host Eric Bolling...
He's a trustworthy sort, isn't he?
Are those his teeth, or is his head hollow
and what we're seeing is the wall behind?
-Is that what it is?
-I think that's what it is.
-They've got a record of this.
I mean, they tried to ban Spongebob Squarepants.
Seriously, they thought he was
spreading homosexuality amongst the youth.
There's been another right-wing nutjob in the news this week.
Herman Cain, AKA The Herminator.
He's stood down from the race to be
the Republican presidential candidate
following claims of infidelity and sexual harassment.
The most recent sexy claims against him were from a Ginger White.
That's the name of the person, not a description.
LAUGHTER In this country, that's not a crime!
Yes, Ginger White said they'd had a lengthy affair,
and presented evidence of 61 recent telephone calls from him
as early as 4:26am. Do you know what he said to that?
"What time is it?"
He actually said:
Quite specific. Er, Cain gave a rousing farewell speech.
He ended by saying:
-Where was that quote from?
-Is it a popular song?
I don't know any popular songs. Er...
He was quoting Donna Summer, from her theme song for
Pokemon: The Movie 2000.
I don't remember that one.
-I'm probably the only one who actually sat through that.
-I had children.
-Wanted to get away from them for two hours?
Er, one of the criticisms of Cain was that he might get caught out
by "gotcha" questions from journalists.
Do you know how he smoothly dismissed this?
-I didn't see it, no.
Let's see Cain in action recently, dealing with a "gotcha" question.
So do you agree with President Obama on Libya or not?
the uprising. Correct? President Obama called for the removal of...
I just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing
before I say yes, I agreed.
I do not agree with the way he handled it
for the following reason. Um...
No, that's a different one.
A sad loss to the political world, there.
-Doesn't that make you feel sort of competent, and...?
Proud to be a British politician?
I'd like to thank you for putting him on, there,
-you've made me look quite clever.
Can anyone tell me what Occupy Wall Street protester
Tracy Postert has been up to?
She recently joined the occupation carrying a sign which read:
Nicely topical, there, Trace.
But she got bored and replaced it with a placard advertising her CV
and a passing banker noticed it,
offered her a job and she's now accepted it.
So this is the rather confusing Fox News about a frog.
Fox News pundit Eric Bolling accused the new Muppet movie of:
A spokesman for The Muppets promptly confronted him saying,
The allegation is quite ludicrous, not every Muppet is a communist.
For instance, Beaker is clearly a Liberal Democrat.
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
This is Prince Albert Memorial and his wife Queen Victoria.
A painting has come to light recently of her as a young girl
which was considered saucy in its day.
And it's only come to light now,
we're only allowed to see it some hundred-odd years after she's died.
Brace yourselves, boys There it is.
Who decided it was too naughty to be seen?
Um, Prince Albert probably, he was always saying things like that.
-This is too naughty to be seen!
He was German, you know.
It was a surprise 24th birthday present for Albert,
he considered it so racy that he kept it in his private writing room
at Windsor Castle. I bet he did!
How was the sexy effect achieved?
-According to Desmond Shawe-Taylor, surveyor of...
-Oh, don't trust him!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Also this week, the winner of the Turnip Prize for bad art was announced. Did anyone see that?
-I did not.
I'll show you the exhibit and you can guess the title.
-I don't know what it is.
Is it just a jar of dirty water or something?
-A jam jar, is it?
Yeah, it's called Jamming with Muddy Waters.
And the winner said:
I think we can all identify with that.
So this is Prince Albert's private portrait of Queen Victoria
that was deemed too saucy to be shown in public.
So, girls, if you want to pull your first cousin,
that's the look to go for.
According to the Telegraph, Prince Albert considered the portrait
so racy that he...
In much the same way that Prince Phillip
keeps his back copies of Razzle in the shed.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Ian and Tom?
They found another Earth -
-another planet that would be perfect for life. Really.
So we can move there when we've finished with this one.
Which is about 50 years I think!
It is 600 light years away.
-Do you know what it's called?
They're calling it the rather catchy:
-Isn't that where Sherlock Holmes used to live?
-Do you want to see the real picture of the planet?
-You can't see it
cos it's 600 light-years away, it's a trick question, get out!
This telescope apparently spotted over 2,000 planets outside our
solar system known as exoplanets.
And they've started a league table
and ranked the exoplanets based on habitability.
Sorry about that.
They've called this:
I bet Argos are quaking in their boots.
What are you going to find when you go there?
I don't know, what's there, seas?
Must be water.
We would find:
I'd prefer probably just to go to Tenerife again.
In much more exciting extra-terrestrial news,
who's been discovered on a Danish pastry this week?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There he is, that's him.
On the topic of outer space,
did anyone see how Japanese astronaut Satoshi Furukawa...
How he, he, that man, made history this week?
He managed to play baseball on his lonesome
while on the International Space Station.
-Should we have a look?
-I think so.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Has he got much to do?
-He's on his own in space.
-You've got to do something, don't you?
But the question is, who's holding the camera?
You know, I felt the same way when I was watching the Blair Witch Project.
-Who's holding the camera?
You know, you're looking at someone being savaged by something you can't see
but you don't hold the camera and go, "it's very scary, I'm sure it will eat me next,
"but this is fantastic footage."
So this is the exciting news that scientists have discovered a planet like Earth.
According to The Telegraph:
The only downside is those ghastly people at Kepler 22a
Assessing its suitability for human habitation, a NASA spokesperson said:
..Oh, I've said it...!
I can't say habitable.
Do you pronounce the word doo-ing as (LIKE BOING) doing?
Some people do.
They say habby-table.
"We are certain that it is habit..."
-I can say it and you can say all the other words, if you want...
-OK, you say that word and I'll mouth it.
Sorry, IF it has a surface. Before we make the 600-light-year journey,
do you think you could just check that out first?
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
This is a village. twinned with Blindin'.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is Google refuses to carry it
because whenever they put the word in Google Maps it thinks it's a,
you know, it's bad language, so they don't exist, it won't come up.
-Is it Google it won't come up on?
Same sort of thing, isn't it? Google, Facebook -
press a button, something happens. If it doesn't, it's not plugged in,
I understand the internet.
Yes, Ann Marie Kennedy from the village of Effin
has started an online battle
to get her village's name recognised on Facebook.
Ann Marie set up a Facebook page titled...
Which was then blocked by Facebook
as it was deemed offensive.
Ann Marie said to the Guardian:
Yeah, Facebook ARE going to fix the Effin problem. A spokesperson said:
MAN IN AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING
Are you all right?
Sounded like somebody trying to kick-start a donkey.
Oh, I do apologise, madam.
And why has a man in Scotland got into trouble for swearing this week?
His real name is Alan Bastard.
It was a technical hitch at the start of BBC Radio Scotland's news for the Borders show
which meant that the word "the Borders" was repeated 37 times.
A man tried to fix the problem live on air,
let's have a listen.
'This from Lynn Renney.'
'The Borders. The Borders.'
'The Borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.
'The Borders. The borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.'
-'Oh, get me out of... What the
-'What the hell's going on here? Check the
-Quite hypnotic, isn't it?
Is it a secret message, we'll all go out tonight
and kill the Prime Minister or something?
It's from the Immigration Service, isn't it?
-The borders, the borders...
This is the Effin woman who's got into an Effin row
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Facebook refused to allow users to identify their hometown as Effin
on the grounds that it is...
This also explains why there seems to be no Facebook users
Time now for the Missing Words Round
which this week features as its guest publication...
Tea & Tea Room Talk -
The Magazine For People Who Love Tea And Tea Rooms.
At this stage the host usually does a terrible pun,
but I'm to think of one.
And we start with:
I think this is something like homosexuality.
What speed to they have to attain before this happens?
Did 32mph, wa-hey!
-It's in Saudi.
-You're absolutely right.
As a woman approaches a certain speed she starts going, "I hate cock!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Relish that moment cos you'll never see it again.
A Saudi Arabian cleric has warned that allowing women to drive
will turn men and women to homosexuality, prostitution and pornography.
Those ultra-conservative views on women drivers come from the controversial Muslim cleric
Kamal Subhi al-Clarkson.
The best cleric...IN THE WORLD!
Where's Congham Hall?
Pass. I'm asking you the questions, bitch.
Is it, cut the crusts off in the shape of President Roosevelt?
I don't know what papers I'm reading, cos those are the stories I read!
The answer is:
I almost said that!
The tea-loving journalist writes:
If this repeat is going out in Ethiopia, I can only apologise.
TOM: Never introduce the cleric, Jeremy Clarkson to your sister.
Is it, priests beheaded?
No! The answer is:
This is the exciting World War II story of an agent in Madrid
who used an old-fashioned English tea house as a base
for an escape network for Allied servicemen.
He was the James Bond of tearooms.
-The Man With the Golden
You Only SIEVE twice?
-I didn't realise that was the standard we were aiming at.
I'm going lower!
REGINALD: Never prosper.
It's actually "..never forget a friendly face."
Scientists have revealed that wasps are able to tell each other
apart and remember other wasps that have done them favours.
Oh, I thought we were talking about insects.
The times illustrated its article with this picture
and this gave us an idea for an odd-one-out.
-Which of these is the odd-one-out? Anyone?
It's actually Peter, bottom-left.
As he's the only one that doesn't like picnics.
-Whose side were on you in the war?! That's not it?
-That's a "Sar-cosy", isn't it?
REGINALD: How are you going to support this baby, though?
The answer is:
According to the Tea magazine a travelling tea cosy
exhibition will happen over the summer.
So, if you missed out on those Olympic tickets, your luck's in!
Oh, he drinks a lot of tea, doesn't he? He likes green tea.
AS BRUCE: Green tea, uh, green tea! Green tea!
Is it, "sleeping in a coffin full of earth"?
No, you're mixing him up with Dracula.
Same age range but different bloke.
Erm, Ribena? Blood of virgins?
There we are.
The question everyone asks is "How does Brucie keep looking so young?"
The answer, of course, is "He doesn't!"
So, the final scores are Paul and Reg with 4 and Ian and Tom with 5!
But before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
Is it Fenton lets celebrity lifestyle get to him?
REGINALD: Dog says, "Wait a minute, I need time to rest
"after I just ate your brother."
Dog gives birth to human but refuses to cut umbilical chord.
And here's a picture we couldn't show you earlier,
it's Archie Andrews.
I'm very flattered.
And I leave you with news that in Strasbourg the new Italian
leader refuses to agree to his country's debt repayment
scheme on the basis of a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone.
As ratings continue to plummet,
producers make some drastic changes to the panel of the XFactor.
And the morning after the party to celebrate their biggest haul yet,
the drug squad sniffer dogs realise things may have got a little out of hand.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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