Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 8

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Miranda Hart and guest panellists Reginald D Hunter and Tom Watson.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Miranda Hart.

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In the news this week, at a clinic in Richmond,

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there was an unwelcome sight for Vince Cable

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as a surgeon begins his haemorrhoidectomy.

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We won't come in if you don't want us to!

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On holiday in the Bahamas,

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it looks like John Prescott's weight loss programme is beginning to work.

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And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option

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but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.

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Time to get yourself a nice, warm woolly this autumn.

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It's available through any of the 300 high street branches

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of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

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With Ian is a Labour MP who loves computer games,

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he spends hours indulging in virtual fantasy role-playing.

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Or as we know it, being in the Shadow Cabinet.

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Please welcome Tom Watson.

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Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is an American stand-up,

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recently described as a six-foot-tall,

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husky-voiced sex icon. I'm sorry.

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Recently described BY a six-foot-tall,

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husky-voiced sex icon.

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Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

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APPLAUSE

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And with start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Tom, take a look at this.

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Oh, that's a couple who love each other.

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Oh, a couple who don't!

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Oh, look, there's Meryl Streep, she's taking over again.

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Ahh, a British bulldog.

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Anyway, this is a very exciting story.

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It's the Euro.

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By the time this goes out, Europe will have been saved.

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Or not.

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We don't know.

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But apparently it's extraordinary - they're going to rescue the Euro.

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The Tory Party's in revolt, there could be a referendum,

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they could ask the public what we think about Europe.

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It's very dangerous! Thank you.

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What's your position?

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-Er, on the Euro or on Europe?

-Both?

-Is Labour split on this, too?

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If Tories are revolting...

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Generally, we're... Yeah. I think we're keeping very quiet on it

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and waiting for David Cameron to save the day.

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-Right.

-You're waiting for Cameron to save the day?!

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Yeah.

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So you're just going to do nothing and then just hope they mess it up.

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Well, I'm going to do nothing, cos I'm not a very good politician.

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But I'm sure... I'm sure Ed Miliband would, er...

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APPLAUSE

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I'm sure my leader's got a plan.

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I love that. Refreshing candour - the deputy chairman says,

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-"Oh, I'm not a very good politician."

-I know.

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Well, I've only got the job... You know, Ed, he called me in and said,

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"You know, I'm going to make you vice-chairman of the Labour Party.

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"You're going to join the Shadow Cabinet."

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I said, "Is it because of my forensic examination of Rupert Murdoch?"

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He said, "No, I just need someone who's more unpopular with The Sun."

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They had it in for you for ages. Cos you sued The Sun once.

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And they said, "We're going to get Tom Watson."

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And then you asked rude questions about Rupert Murdoch.

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-Yeah.

-And then you called him "a mafia don."

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-Yeah.

-Which isn't nice, is it?

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Well, they were very upset about it and they sent me a letter of complaint...

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-Really?

-..pinned to a horse's head.

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According to the People newspaper last Sunday,

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what are the Germans doing these days, just in case?

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Saving when we're not?

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They are actually printing new Deutschmarks to be on the safe side.

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-Really?

-AUDIENCE MURMURS

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Better safe than sorry.

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I mean, the whole audience murmured like, "Those dirty Germs again!"

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There has been recent history between our two countries.

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Y'all going to win the World Cup anyway.

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Can I just say could I have my fee in cash, please? My fee in cash.

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-What cash do you want? Euros, Deutschmarks?

-Pound is the safest.

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-South African Rand.

-That's probably better. I'll go with Rand.

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Fee in Rand.

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I kind of like something about Germany having their own money.

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Sounds like Angela Merkel was raised well by her mother. It's like,

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you go and talk to them world leaders,

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but you take your own money, you hear?

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I love the idea they say if Europe goes ahead with a solution,

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Britain will be left on the sidelines.

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While the middle collapses!

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That would be awful.

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We would be left watching everyone else collapse!

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I hope that doesn't happen(!)

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The Guardian summed it up for me when they said:

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I knew that. I absolutely knew that.

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I was talking to my cousin Ray-Ray last week, I was telling him the same thing.

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Sarkozy and Merkel have been meeting again this wee as we saw

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and there's another summit on Friday, what has David Cameron

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been saying about any proposed changes to European treaties?

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He has been saying tell us what you're going to do Angela

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and we will do it.

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You don't like David Cameron very much, do you?

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- He doesn't really like me. - Really?

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I keep putting in Freedom of Information requests about

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the cost of his luxury Notting Hill kitchen in Number 10 Downing Street.

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Which is decent of you after the expenses row you were caught up in!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They are fighting amongst themselves. We will beat the hell out of them!

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Ever since Hislop made that comment about all the money he stole

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their confidence went down.

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I didn't say stole, I said claimed!

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-And it's all behind you.

-He's begging for approval but it's too late!

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-The approval counter is shut.

-Give us point for that.

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You can't get a point for pointing out

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they are fighting amongst themselves. We wouldn't get a point for that.

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We need to get a point for answering a question right.

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But if we got in their head and intimidated them and it made them

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unravel before the game started, we could have a point for that.

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But would there be any fun in winning over what would be

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the remains of human detritus?

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I'm American, I don't know anything!

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A win is a win.

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I only say this in case they get a picture up

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but Ian you bear a remarkable resemblance to Archie Andrews

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who was a ventriloquist's dummy in the 1950s.

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He used to wear a blazer just like that.

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Peter Brough and Archie Andrews, bung it up halfway through the show

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and if we don't know what it is, I was wrong, if we do I was right.

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I will take that in the spirit it's meant.

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That's exactly what you gonna do.

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Sarkozy also had a sneaky dig at Britain this week,

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do you know what he said?

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HE GRUNTS

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Speaking in English, he said France was now more

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"business friendly" than the UK,

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although what he actually said was:

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Easily amused, the Indian/Welsh...

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I can't do accents.

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I might keep that in the pouch, man. You know, like when you tell someone, that was a joke,

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to keep them from being offended at what you just said.

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It's kind of cool to go, "I'm sorry, that was simply a pleasantry."

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So also in the news this week has been Standard & Poor.

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Which makes me think of my school report.

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Um...

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What have they been up to?

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Reg, you know all about this business shizzle.

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I'm sorry, Snoop, could you repeat what you just said?

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APPLAUSE

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Snoop Harty-Hart.

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They are downgrading the credit rating of every country in the Eurozone

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Why did you ask me about that?

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You asked me about that because black people often have bad credit.

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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

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Sarkozy and Merkel...

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And I can't bring myself to say

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Merkozy, as they're calling them. Common!

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Um...

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They were annoyed with Standard & Poor, why was that?

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Cos they don't think it helps, dropping the credit rating

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of all European countries on the eve of trying to sort it out.

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According to The Star:

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That'll be Merkel, I expect.

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How was the latest rescue proposal received?

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Well the DAX went down 1.3

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and the CAC lost 0.7.

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-Oh.

-That's so weird!

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I mean weird as in clever and freakishly knowledgeable.

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-Is it true?

-I read it on the autocue.

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Oh you...!

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APPLAUSE

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Well, that would explain it!

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You ruined that joke with your stealing of stuff!

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Get him, take the point from him!

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Look, it was just a pleasantry.

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Do you know, it was very funny.

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-Shall we cheer ourselves up?

-Yeah.

-Shall I tell you how?

-How?

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Let's look at some expensive cars

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that some rich people have just written off on a motorway.

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It was a convoy of luxury sports cars including six Ferraris

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and a Lamborghini that came a cropper on a road in Japan.

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Does anyone know where they were headed?

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MAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

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Oh, it's... We've gone to the floor, have we?

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Just call me David Dimbleby. Right.

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Where did you say?

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-MAN: Scrapyard.

-Scrapyard.

-Scrapyard.

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Funny!

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APPLAUSE

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Can I just say, it was lovely to heard from you, but shh now.

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And finally, the first results of the PM's much vaunted

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happiness survey have been published.

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How happy do you think are Britons out of 10?

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6.7. Happy percent.

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-Out of 10.

-Quite close. 7.4.

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So, we are pretty happy.

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I mean, British people are fantastic it's just that they're not

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the most festive people.

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Unless they are drinking or there is a band playing in a muddy

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field somewhere.

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You're pretty reserved about the emotion thing, period.

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In fact, I think self-loathing is the national sport.

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And I think people learn to self-loathe so they can join in.

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Then they can be happy being with other people who hate their self.

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Keep it light, Reg.

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-Yeah, 7.4.

-It might have gone down since then!

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APPLAUSE

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Does anyone know any of the questions

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they were asked in the survey?

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Are you happy?

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Are you filled with self-loathing and therefore unable to enjoy

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yourself except in the company of other self-loathers?

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You are mocking what I said but it's true.

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That's the reason you bought it back up, because it hurt a little bit!

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Would you smile at a sea lion playing trumpet?

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Is that one of the questions?

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Here's one:

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-Would that one have hurt, Tom?

-It's a hard one to answer.

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When you're a politician.

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The self-loathing thing is working with you.

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I'm 7.4 on the self-loathing scale.

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You're a politician, you got a hard job.

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You can't tell the truth, but then you often accused of not being honest

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but if you told the actual truth, you'd be out of a job in a week.

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I want to be on your team.

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Well, of course you do

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because you know the man next to you don't like you.

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Indecently, 2.7% of the people surveyed

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said they were completely happy - 10/10/

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See the survey's taking place in Britain and you asking people

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about happiness and what the survey does not account for

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is the level of sarcasm in everybody's answer.

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"Are you happy?"

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"Yes, I am completely happy (!)"

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APPLAUSE

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-You have been in the news this week.

-Have I?

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In connection with the phone hacking scandal.

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-You were on the committee that investigates it. Are you not?

-I am.

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Yes, apparently you were followed for five days

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by a News of the World private detective.

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Tell me, what were you up to?

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I was at the Labour Party Conference.

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I was drinking a lot of beer with Trade Unionists, mainly,

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and I rang my private investigator -

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I obviously know him now, his name's Derek...

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..and I rang him up and said, "Hello, Derek, my name's Tom, you followed me at the Labour Party Conference,"

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He said, "I remember you, Tom, you were out all night drinking beer."

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-Are you friends now?

-Well, he's very upset with Rupert Murdoch.

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He said Rupert Murdoch didn't pay him enough money when they closed the News of The World, so...

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I've actually spent most of the week finding him an employment lawyer.

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So, he's suing News International for breach of contract.

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You're helping out the bloke who spied on you for five days?

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-Yeah.

-I'm warming to you

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You should meet him, he's got a lot o talk about, Ian, you could, er...

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Derek...!

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Yes, so this is the latest instalment of the Eurozone crisis.

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One Tory MP asked David Cameron during Question Time

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whether he would seize the chance to claw back power from Europe. Cameron's reply was:

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Which I believe is Boris Johnson for yes.

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On a more cheerful note, several luxury cars were involved

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in a multi-million-pound pile up in Japan.

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The story cheered almost everyone up except for Japanese newsreaders

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who had to keep saying Ferrari.

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So, Paul and Reg, take a look at this.

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This is pandas, pandas are arriving in Scotland as is suggested.

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These are the pandas and panda dolls

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that were being sold as souvenirs as they were arriving.

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Where's the pandas? Oh, God, is this Edinburgh?

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Um, they are feeding the pandas.

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So it's pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, and as someone pointed out this week,

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there's now more pandas in Scotland than Tories.

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Yes, it's the arrival of the two pandas at Edinburgh zoo.

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Notoriously slow-moving and incommunicative, with glum expressions and a poor diet,

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the Scots were still pleased to see the pandas arrive.

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They don't breed well cos they eat a lot of bamboo. Whenever they feel like having sex, they can't.

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It's like seeing a sexy woman but you can't do anything cos you've eaten a sideboard.

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They're putting them in two separate cages

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cos they only breed for four days a year.

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It's a hell of a four days, though!

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They're connecting these two things with what they're calling a love tunnel.

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I don't think it's called that really amongst biologists

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but I know what you're saying. A love tunnel!

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According to The Mail:

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Well, it's not the be-all and end-all, is it?

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I would have thought that it would be difficult

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for two very fat things to have sex,

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Like, it's all right if one thing is very fat,

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and the other thing is not so fat,

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then you could get an angle of trajectory...

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..that would, um, please everyone.

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-Everyone?

-Involved!

-Oh, I see!

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If you get the angle of trajectory, then you will find your love tunnel

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and then... But it's harder to do that when both creatures are very fat.

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It's hard to get purchase, if you will.

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Yes, ma'am.

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But these pandas cos £700,000 a year - that's a lot of bamboo.

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That's costing them a fortune.

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Yeah, it was billed as a gift from China, but it isn't.

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-Oh, they came from China?

-Yeah.

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You know, they say China getting ready to take over the world

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and China has rough human rights issues.

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Where do they get off giving people panda bears?

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Y'all better be careful, they might be some Trojan pandas.

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I think that's exactly the point of giving these pandas.

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They're importing huge amounts of Scottish fish, suddenly,

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not Norwegian fish, cos the Norwegians raised objections to their human rights programme.

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-So they don't give no panda bears?

-They're buying Scottish fish and everyone's got to shut up.

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-So they sent the panda bears to Scotland as a

-BLEEP

-you to Norway.

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It's costing £700,000 a year

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which includes all their food. Now, Tom, food...

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Oh, no.

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-Are you still allowed to claim at all on expenses.

-Yes.

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Is it true that you spent so much on food at M&S that they gave you

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a free pizza wheel as a gift?

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Sort of, you got that story slightly wrong but I did get a pizza wheel,

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yeah, and it, obviously because I'm a very fat man,

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featured quite heavily in the newspapers

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during the expenses scandal

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- Actually, Tom,

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-you're not very fat.

-Like, of you got with somebody of equal fatness...

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It's the angle of trajectory, is... It's the angle of trajectory.

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Can you imagine how delighted the pun writers were

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-on the national newspapers this week?

-PANDA-monium?

-Nice.

-Oooh.

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PANDA-ing to China over its human rights.

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My favourite pun was in The Sun.

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-"Black eye the noo".

-GROANS

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So, yes, this is the shock news that vegetables will be eaten

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in Scotland with the arrival of two Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.

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LAUGHTER

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It's difficult for pandas to reproduce

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because according to the Mail:

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New Year's Eve, the office party,

0:20:010:20:03

and when she wants a wardrobe shifting.

0:20:030:20:06

Time now for the one-armed bandit of news.

0:20:060:20:08

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

0:20:080:20:12

-BELL

-Ian and Tom.

0:20:160:20:20

The Muppet Show in America has been accused by Fox TV,

0:20:200:20:23

which is a right-wing news channel, of deliberately spreading communism.

0:20:230:20:28

Er, amongst the under-fives.

0:20:280:20:31

And they're serious! They think the Muppets

0:20:310:20:33

are deliberately spreading a communist message.

0:20:330:20:36

Because the businessman in the film

0:20:360:20:38

is going to close down the Muppet Theatre.

0:20:380:20:40

The Muppets have been accused by Fox News host Eric Bolling...

0:20:400:20:43

LAUGHTER

0:20:430:20:46

He's a trustworthy sort, isn't he?

0:20:460:20:48

Are those his teeth, or is his head hollow

0:20:480:20:51

and what we're seeing is the wall behind?

0:20:510:20:53

-Is that what it is?

-APPLAUSE

0:20:530:20:57

-I think that's what it is.

-They've got a record of this.

0:20:570:21:00

I mean, they tried to ban Spongebob Squarepants.

0:21:000:21:04

Seriously, they thought he was

0:21:040:21:05

spreading homosexuality amongst the youth.

0:21:050:21:08

There's been another right-wing nutjob in the news this week.

0:21:080:21:11

Herman Cain, AKA The Herminator.

0:21:110:21:14

He's stood down from the race to be

0:21:140:21:16

the Republican presidential candidate

0:21:160:21:18

following claims of infidelity and sexual harassment.

0:21:180:21:21

The most recent sexy claims against him were from a Ginger White.

0:21:210:21:27

That's the name of the person, not a description.

0:21:270:21:30

LAUGHTER In this country, that's not a crime!

0:21:300:21:33

Yes, Ginger White said they'd had a lengthy affair,

0:21:350:21:38

and presented evidence of 61 recent telephone calls from him

0:21:380:21:42

as early as 4:26am. Do you know what he said to that?

0:21:420:21:44

"What time is it?"

0:21:440:21:47

He actually said:

0:21:470:21:48

Quite specific. Er, Cain gave a rousing farewell speech.

0:21:540:21:59

He ended by saying:

0:21:590:22:01

-Where was that quote from?

-Is it a popular song?

-Yes.

-Oh.

0:22:080:22:12

I don't know any popular songs. Er...

0:22:120:22:15

He was quoting Donna Summer, from her theme song for

0:22:150:22:19

Pokemon: The Movie 2000.

0:22:190:22:21

I don't remember that one.

0:22:230:22:25

I do.

0:22:250:22:27

-I'm probably the only one who actually sat through that.

-Why?

0:22:270:22:30

-I had children.

-Oh.

-Wanted to get away from them for two hours?

-Yeah!

0:22:300:22:34

Er, one of the criticisms of Cain was that he might get caught out

0:22:360:22:40

by "gotcha" questions from journalists.

0:22:400:22:42

Do you know how he smoothly dismissed this?

0:22:420:22:45

-I didn't see it, no.

-He said:

0:22:450:22:47

Let's see Cain in action recently, dealing with a "gotcha" question.

0:22:590:23:03

So do you agree with President Obama on Libya or not?

0:23:030:23:09

OK. Libya.

0:23:090:23:11

President Obama...

0:23:190:23:23

supported...

0:23:230:23:26

the uprising. Correct? President Obama called for the removal of...

0:23:260:23:31

Gaddafi.

0:23:310:23:33

I just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing

0:23:330:23:36

before I say yes, I agreed.

0:23:360:23:38

I do not agree with the way he handled it

0:23:400:23:42

for the following reason. Um...

0:23:420:23:46

No, that's a different one.

0:23:460:23:48

A sad loss to the political world, there.

0:23:500:23:53

-Doesn't that make you feel sort of competent, and...?

-Yeah!

0:23:530:23:57

Proud to be a British politician?

0:23:570:23:59

I'd like to thank you for putting him on, there,

0:23:590:24:01

-you've made me look quite clever.

-Yeah!

0:24:010:24:04

Can anyone tell me what Occupy Wall Street protester

0:24:040:24:08

Tracy Postert has been up to?

0:24:080:24:11

-Doing time.

-No.

0:24:110:24:13

She recently joined the occupation carrying a sign which read:

0:24:130:24:17

Nicely topical, there, Trace.

0:24:190:24:22

But she got bored and replaced it with a placard advertising her CV

0:24:220:24:26

and a passing banker noticed it,

0:24:260:24:28

offered her a job and she's now accepted it.

0:24:280:24:31

So this is the rather confusing Fox News about a frog.

0:24:310:24:35

Fox News pundit Eric Bolling accused the new Muppet movie of:

0:24:350:24:39

A spokesman for The Muppets promptly confronted him saying,

0:24:430:24:46

"Hiiii-yah!"

0:24:460:24:48

APPLAUSE

0:24:480:24:50

The allegation is quite ludicrous, not every Muppet is a communist.

0:24:530:24:57

For instance, Beaker is clearly a Liberal Democrat.

0:24:570:24:59

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:25:040:25:07

BUZZ!

0:25:120:25:13

This is Prince Albert Memorial and his wife Queen Victoria.

0:25:130:25:16

A painting has come to light recently of her as a young girl

0:25:160:25:20

which was considered saucy in its day.

0:25:200:25:22

And it's only come to light now,

0:25:220:25:24

we're only allowed to see it some hundred-odd years after she's died.

0:25:240:25:26

Brace yourselves, boys There it is.

0:25:260:25:29

Oh, revealing!

0:25:300:25:32

Who decided it was too naughty to be seen?

0:25:320:25:35

Um, Prince Albert probably, he was always saying things like that.

0:25:350:25:38

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-This is too naughty to be seen!

0:25:380:25:41

He was German, you know.

0:25:410:25:43

It was a surprise 24th birthday present for Albert,

0:25:430:25:45

he considered it so racy that he kept it in his private writing room

0:25:450:25:48

at Windsor Castle. I bet he did!

0:25:480:25:50

How was the sexy effect achieved?

0:25:520:25:55

-According to Desmond Shawe-Taylor, surveyor of...

-Oh, don't trust him!

0:25:550:25:59

He says...

0:25:590:26:01

Hi, boys.

0:26:070:26:11

Yeah?

0:26:110:26:14

Yeah!

0:26:140:26:17

Yeah?

0:26:170:26:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:190:26:23

Also this week, the winner of the Turnip Prize for bad art was announced. Did anyone see that?

0:26:280:26:33

-No.

-I did not.

-Well,

0:26:330:26:35

I'll show you the exhibit and you can guess the title.

0:26:350:26:37

-Right.

-I don't know what it is.

0:26:370:26:39

Is it just a jar of dirty water or something?

0:26:390:26:41

-Yep.

-A jam jar, is it?

0:26:410:26:42

Yeah, it's called Jamming with Muddy Waters.

0:26:420:26:46

GROANS

0:26:460:26:48

And the winner said:

0:26:480:26:50

I think we can all identify with that.

0:27:060:27:09

So this is Prince Albert's private portrait of Queen Victoria

0:27:090:27:12

that was deemed too saucy to be shown in public.

0:27:120:27:15

So, girls, if you want to pull your first cousin,

0:27:150:27:17

that's the look to go for.

0:27:170:27:19

According to the Telegraph, Prince Albert considered the portrait

0:27:210:27:24

so racy that he...

0:27:240:27:26

In much the same way that Prince Phillip

0:27:280:27:31

keeps his back copies of Razzle in the shed.

0:27:310:27:34

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:27:340:27:36

RING

0:27:420:27:44

Ian and Tom?

0:27:440:27:45

They found another Earth -

0:27:450:27:46

-another planet that would be perfect for life. Really.

-Blimey.

0:27:460:27:49

So we can move there when we've finished with this one.

0:27:490:27:52

Which is about 50 years I think!

0:27:520:27:55

It is 600 light years away.

0:27:550:27:57

-Do you know what it's called?

-Earth 2.

0:27:570:28:01

The Sequel.

0:28:010:28:03

They're calling it the rather catchy:

0:28:050:28:06

-Isn't that where Sherlock Holmes used to live?

-Yeah!

0:28:090:28:13

-Do you want to see the real picture of the planet?

-Yes.

-You can't see it

0:28:130:28:18

cos it's 600 light-years away, it's a trick question, get out!

0:28:180:28:20

This telescope apparently spotted over 2,000 planets outside our

0:28:220:28:26

solar system known as exoplanets.

0:28:260:28:28

And they've started a league table

0:28:280:28:29

and ranked the exoplanets based on habitability.

0:28:290:28:32

Or HABITibility.

0:28:320:28:34

Sorry about that.

0:28:360:28:37

They've called this:

0:28:390:28:41

I bet Argos are quaking in their boots.

0:28:450:28:49

What are you going to find when you go there?

0:28:490:28:52

I don't know, what's there, seas?

0:28:520:28:54

Must be water.

0:28:540:28:55

We would find:

0:28:550:28:57

I'd prefer probably just to go to Tenerife again.

0:29:030:29:06

In much more exciting extra-terrestrial news,

0:29:080:29:11

who's been discovered on a Danish pastry this week?

0:29:110:29:14

-E.T.

-Correct!

0:29:140:29:17

Really?

0:29:170:29:18

Yes!

0:29:180:29:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:190:29:22

There he is, that's him.

0:29:220:29:24

On the topic of outer space,

0:29:280:29:30

did anyone see how Japanese astronaut Satoshi Furukawa...

0:29:300:29:34

How he, he, that man, made history this week?

0:29:370:29:40

He managed to play baseball on his lonesome

0:29:400:29:43

while on the International Space Station.

0:29:430:29:46

-Should we have a look?

-Yeah.

-I think so.

0:29:460:29:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:060:30:08

Has he got much to do?

0:30:080:30:11

-He's on his own in space.

-You've got to do something, don't you?

0:30:170:30:20

But the question is, who's holding the camera?

0:30:200:30:22

You know, I felt the same way when I was watching the Blair Witch Project.

0:30:220:30:25

-Who's holding the camera?

-Yeah.

0:30:250:30:27

You know, you're looking at someone being savaged by something you can't see

0:30:270:30:32

but you don't hold the camera and go, "it's very scary, I'm sure it will eat me next,

0:30:320:30:37

"but this is fantastic footage."

0:30:370:30:39

So this is the exciting news that scientists have discovered a planet like Earth.

0:30:390:30:43

According to The Telegraph:

0:30:430:30:45

The only downside is those ghastly people at Kepler 22a

0:30:500:30:53

Assessing its suitability for human habitation, a NASA spokesperson said:

0:30:570:31:01

..Oh, I've said it...!

0:31:030:31:07

I can't say habitable.

0:31:070:31:08

Habitable.

0:31:080:31:09

Do you pronounce the word doo-ing as (LIKE BOING) doing?

0:31:090:31:13

Some people do.

0:31:130:31:14

They say habby-table.

0:31:140:31:16

Habit-ible. Habitable.

0:31:180:31:21

"We are certain that it is habit..."

0:31:210:31:24

-I can say it and you can say all the other words, if you want...

-OK, you say that word and I'll mouth it.

0:31:240:31:29

Sorry, IF it has a surface. Before we make the 600-light-year journey,

0:31:380:31:42

do you think you could just check that out first?

0:31:420:31:45

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:31:460:31:50

RING

0:31:530:31:55

This is a village. twinned with Blindin'.

0:31:550:31:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:570:32:00

This is Google refuses to carry it

0:32:030:32:05

because whenever they put the word in Google Maps it thinks it's a,

0:32:050:32:08

you know, it's bad language, so they don't exist, it won't come up.

0:32:080:32:11

-Is it Google it won't come up on?

-It's Facebook.

0:32:110:32:14

Same sort of thing, isn't it? Google, Facebook -

0:32:140:32:17

press a button, something happens. If it doesn't, it's not plugged in,

0:32:170:32:21

I understand the internet.

0:32:210:32:23

Yes, Ann Marie Kennedy from the village of Effin

0:32:230:32:26

has started an online battle

0:32:260:32:29

to get her village's name recognised on Facebook.

0:32:290:32:31

Ann Marie set up a Facebook page titled...

0:32:310:32:34

Which was then blocked by Facebook

0:32:400:32:42

as it was deemed offensive.

0:32:420:32:44

Ann Marie said to the Guardian:

0:32:440:32:45

Yeah, Facebook ARE going to fix the Effin problem. A spokesperson said:

0:32:510:32:56

MAN IN AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING

0:33:060:33:08

Are you all right?

0:33:080:33:10

Sounded like somebody trying to kick-start a donkey.

0:33:110:33:15

Oh, I do apologise, madam.

0:33:170:33:19

And why has a man in Scotland got into trouble for swearing this week?

0:33:240:33:27

His real name is Alan Bastard.

0:33:270:33:30

It was a technical hitch at the start of BBC Radio Scotland's news for the Borders show

0:33:300:33:34

which meant that the word "the Borders" was repeated 37 times.

0:33:340:33:40

A man tried to fix the problem live on air,

0:33:400:33:42

let's have a listen.

0:33:420:33:44

'This from Lynn Renney.'

0:33:440:33:45

'The Borders. The Borders.'

0:33:450:33:47

'The Borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.

0:33:470:33:53

'The Borders. The borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.'

0:33:530:33:59

-'Oh,

-BLEEP.'

0:33:590:34:01

'Ahhh....'

0:34:030:34:04

-'Oh, get me out of... What the

-BLEEP BLEEP?'

0:34:040:34:08

-'What the hell's going on here? Check the

-BLEEP

-faults.

0:34:100:34:14

'Ahhhh...'

0:34:150:34:16

-Quite hypnotic, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:34:190:34:21

Is it a secret message, we'll all go out tonight

0:34:210:34:23

and kill the Prime Minister or something?

0:34:230:34:25

It's from the Immigration Service, isn't it?

0:34:250:34:27

-The borders, the borders...

-The borders.

0:34:270:34:30

This is the Effin woman who's got into an Effin row

0:34:320:34:35

-with those

-BLEEP

-at Facebook.

0:34:350:34:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:390:34:43

Facebook refused to allow users to identify their hometown as Effin

0:34:430:34:46

on the grounds that it is...

0:34:460:34:49

This also explains why there seems to be no Facebook users

0:34:490:34:53

in Cockermouth.

0:34:530:34:54

Time now for the Missing Words Round

0:34:560:34:57

which this week features as its guest publication...

0:34:570:35:00

Tea & Tea Room Talk -

0:35:000:35:02

The Magazine For People Who Love Tea And Tea Rooms.

0:35:020:35:07

At this stage the host usually does a terrible pun,

0:35:070:35:10

but I'm to think of one.

0:35:100:35:13

GROANS

0:35:130:35:15

And we start with:

0:35:150:35:16

I think this is something like homosexuality.

0:35:200:35:23

What speed to they have to attain before this happens?

0:35:230:35:26

Did 32mph, wa-hey!

0:35:270:35:30

-It's in Saudi.

-You're absolutely right.

0:35:300:35:31

As a woman approaches a certain speed she starts going, "I hate cock!"

0:35:340:35:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:390:35:41

Relish that moment cos you'll never see it again.

0:35:450:35:49

A Saudi Arabian cleric has warned that allowing women to drive

0:35:560:35:59

will turn men and women to homosexuality, prostitution and pornography.

0:35:590:36:04

Those ultra-conservative views on women drivers come from the controversial Muslim cleric

0:36:040:36:10

Kamal Subhi al-Clarkson.

0:36:100:36:11

The best cleric...IN THE WORLD!

0:36:140:36:18

Next:

0:36:180:36:19

Where's Congham Hall?

0:36:230:36:24

Pass. I'm asking you the questions, bitch.

0:36:240:36:28

Is it, cut the crusts off in the shape of President Roosevelt?

0:36:340:36:38

I don't know what papers I'm reading, cos those are the stories I read!

0:36:400:36:44

The answer is:

0:36:440:36:47

I almost said that!

0:36:520:36:54

The tea-loving journalist writes:

0:36:540:36:57

If this repeat is going out in Ethiopia, I can only apologise.

0:37:010:37:05

TOM: Never introduce the cleric, Jeremy Clarkson to your sister.

0:37:080:37:12

Is it, priests beheaded?

0:37:120:37:14

No! The answer is:

0:37:140:37:17

This is the exciting World War II story of an agent in Madrid

0:37:200:37:23

who used an old-fashioned English tea house as a base

0:37:230:37:26

for an escape network for Allied servicemen.

0:37:260:37:29

He was the James Bond of tearooms.

0:37:290:37:32

-The Man With the Golden

-Bun.

0:37:320:37:34

-Doctor

-No-Sugarinmine.

0:37:360:37:38

-You Only

-Sieve

-Twice.

0:37:380:37:41

Ha!

0:37:410:37:43

You Only SIEVE twice?

0:37:440:37:46

-Yeah.

-I didn't realise that was the standard we were aiming at.

0:37:460:37:50

I'm going lower!

0:37:520:37:54

Next:

0:37:540:37:55

REGINALD: Never prosper.

0:37:560:37:58

It's actually "..never forget a friendly face."

0:38:000:38:04

Scientists have revealed that wasps are able to tell each other

0:38:040:38:07

apart and remember other wasps that have done them favours.

0:38:070:38:11

Oh, I thought we were talking about insects.

0:38:130:38:16

Oh.

0:38:160:38:17

The times illustrated its article with this picture

0:38:190:38:21

and this gave us an idea for an odd-one-out.

0:38:210:38:25

So...

0:38:250:38:26

-Which of these is the odd-one-out? Anyone?

-Top right.

0:38:280:38:33

It's actually Peter, bottom-left.

0:38:330:38:36

As he's the only one that doesn't like picnics.

0:38:360:38:44

Next...

0:38:440:38:46

-Whose side were on you in the war?! That's not it?

-Not it.

0:38:480:38:53

-Oh.

-That's a "Sar-cosy", isn't it?

0:38:530:38:57

REGINALD: How are you going to support this baby, though?

0:38:570:38:59

LAUGHTER

0:38:590:39:02

The answer is:

0:39:070:39:09

According to the Tea magazine a travelling tea cosy

0:39:110:39:14

exhibition will happen over the summer.

0:39:140:39:17

So, if you missed out on those Olympic tickets, your luck's in!

0:39:170:39:21

And finally.

0:39:210:39:22

Oh, he drinks a lot of tea, doesn't he? He likes green tea.

0:39:250:39:29

AS BRUCE: Green tea, uh, green tea! Green tea!

0:39:290:39:31

Is it, "sleeping in a coffin full of earth"?

0:39:320:39:35

No, you're mixing him up with Dracula.

0:39:350:39:36

Oh, yeah.

0:39:360:39:37

Same age range but different bloke.

0:39:380:39:40

Erm, Ribena? Blood of virgins?

0:39:400:39:42

Pink champagne.

0:39:440:39:45

There we are.

0:39:450:39:47

The question everyone asks is "How does Brucie keep looking so young?"

0:39:470:39:50

The answer, of course, is "He doesn't!"

0:39:500:39:53

So, the final scores are Paul and Reg with 4 and Ian and Tom with 5!

0:39:550:40:00

APPLAUSE

0:40:000:40:04

But before we go there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:080:40:11

Is it Fenton lets celebrity lifestyle get to him?

0:40:110:40:14

REGINALD: Dog says, "Wait a minute, I need time to rest

0:40:170:40:20

"after I just ate your brother."

0:40:200:40:22

Dog gives birth to human but refuses to cut umbilical chord.

0:40:250:40:30

And here's a picture we couldn't show you earlier,

0:40:300:40:33

it's Archie Andrews.

0:40:330:40:38

I'm very flattered.

0:40:410:40:45

And I leave you with news that in Strasbourg the new Italian

0:40:450:40:47

leader refuses to agree to his country's debt repayment

0:40:470:40:50

scheme on the basis of a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone.

0:40:500:40:53

As ratings continue to plummet,

0:41:000:41:02

producers make some drastic changes to the panel of the XFactor.

0:41:020:41:05

And the morning after the party to celebrate their biggest haul yet,

0:41:100:41:14

the drug squad sniffer dogs realise things may have got a little out of hand.

0:41:140:41:18

Good night.

0:41:230:41:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:520:41:55

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0:41:550:41:57

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