Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 9

Extended version of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Sue Perkins and guest panellists Nick Hewer and Jack Whitehall.


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Transcript


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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Sue Perkins, and in the news this week,

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after rigorous analysis of the latest figures,

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the world's leading economist gives his forecast for Britain's growth over the next ten years.

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At St Mary's Hospital, as he arrives for his annual check-up,

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there's embarrassment for one patient as a film crew spots him with his stool sample.

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And after successfully walking in a straight line to convince the police he's sober,

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one drink-driver gives the game away as he gets back into his car.

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Very good!

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Must try that.

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With Ian is a comedian and actor for whom things are going pretty well at the moment,

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because it's only a few more sleeps until Christmas,

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and he's been a very good boy this year.

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Please welcome the unfeasibly young and beautiful Jack Whitehall.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is the new host of Countdown

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who previously worked for 21 years for Amstrad,

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making him the only man who thinks the Countdown clock

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is advanced technology.

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Please welcome Nick Hewer.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Jack, take a look at this.

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This is Britain alone.

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Is there a snub coming? It's a big, big story.

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It's finding a solution to the euro crisis.

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That's Nick Clegg. He was on the Andrew Marr Show. He said "under no circumstances" he'd go on,

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and then he did.

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They said they were going to come to a deal, and then they didn't.

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-We managed to veto it.

-Yes, we did. That's it, yes.

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David Cameron used the British veto during the euro crisis summit.

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Does anyone know how the Sun portrayed the PM on its front page on Saturday?

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Was it Churchill,

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-but without a cigar?

-Without a cigar.

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-Because you're not allowed to smoke now.

-No. There he is.

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There was an indication of increasingly frosty relations

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between Britain and France in the body language.

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I read about a missed handshake opportunity. Is that it?

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That's not what you do. The missed handshake, because of John Terry,

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means you've done someone's missus.

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Wayne Bridge didn't shake John Terry's hand, famously...

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Are you suggesting that Mr Cameron

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has had an affair with Carla Bruni?

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If he has had a go on Carla Bruni, for once in my life, respect.

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"Had a go on?"

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-"Had a go on!"

-Sorry, "Had a go with."

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Thank you. Thank, Jack(!)

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Let's have a look at the body language used.

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Here they are. Sarkozy saying hello to

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Pat Butcher there.

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AUDIENCE: Oooo!

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She just got told.

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It wasn't just body language.

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Sarkozy said that Cameron behaved like a "petulant kid,"

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or an "obstinate kid."

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He's a real little man, and so pleased with himself.

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He can look at the French people, square in the face, and say, "That's the sort of chap I am."

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Is it wrong to say Sarkozy

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finds it quite hard to look anybody in the face?

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Looks them square in the knee.

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Absolutely! Now, all of Europe was fed up with Britain after the summit.

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What did German MP, Alexander Graf Lamsdorff,

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have to say about the row?

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"This time we win."

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He said:

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It is a bit unfair.

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After all, invading Poland wasn't such a brilliant idea,

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but we don't bang on about it, do we?

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Yes, we do!

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So, how was Cameron referred to by one French diplomat?

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You've mentioned, obviously, that Sarkozy said he was an "obstinate kid."

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I don't know what that is in French.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Obstinate kid.

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I bow to your greater linguistic skill!

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I'm teaching a language course at the moment. Very easy.

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-So far, we've had French and German. Impressive.

-It's very easy.

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"A man who goes to a wife-swapping party..."

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"..without taking his wife."

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That's a classic French insult, isn't it?

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And also, I've tried that. They don't even let you in the door.

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It's a definition of optimism.

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-Attending a wife-swapping party?

-Without a wife.

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You been to lots of those, Nick?

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-No...

-That's how we met, isn't it? Do you remember?

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I'm having a little stab at it, though.

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-It is an optimistic thing to do.

-I remember that as well.

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-Do we know what Cameron said when this was hurled at him?

-What, "grow up?"

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He said:

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LAUGHTER

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He's so non-European, isn't he?

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I think that we're going to see our Prime Minister creeping back

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to Europe for a quiet chat to see if he can't get back in, really.

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-Do you think so?

-I think so.

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And furthermore, I've got a little shed in France,

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and I don't want them to burn it down.

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When you say "shed," do you mean...

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How big's your garden?

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I've also got...

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..I've also got dual nationality.

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There'll be an Irish Tricolour flying in my garden.

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Yeah, I'm half Irish as well.

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Do you have an Irish passport?

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No, I don't, no.

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-Travel on an Irish passport.

-It's much easier, isn't it?

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-You're welcome everywhere.

-Yeah, brilliant.

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-Yeah, I might get one.

-Get one.

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I'll be back in about an hour.

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So, Friday morning, go through the chronology of this.

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Friday morning, Nick Clegg gets a call.

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And says, "Yes, there was no other option. We had to use the veto."

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By Sunday, he's "bitterly disappointed."

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What's happened in that three days?

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We should hear from the horse's mouth.

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This is Nick Clegg talking to Andrew Marr about that fated incident.

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Can I ask you, during those nine hours of negotiation late into the night,

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at any point, did the Prime Minister call you and speak to you about it directly?

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I spoke to the Prime Minister after the summit was concluded, of course.

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So not during the negotiations themselves?

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Of course not. He was locked in a nocturnal negotiation.

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I was locked in my flat in Sheffield.

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So he's been "locked in his flat in Sheffield,"

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but in case we're worried as to exactly what happened, thankfully,

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Channel 4 News staged a reconstruction of what happened that evening.

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Fantastic!

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Early that morning, Mr Clegg was in his Sheffield constituency.

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PHONE RINGS

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He had approved the government's negotiating position for the European summit,

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but at 4am, he was woken by a call from Brussels.

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Hello?

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What?!

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So somebody said, "We've got an actor, but he doesn't look anything like Nick Clegg."

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"Fine. Put a sheet over his head, and let the foot do the acting."

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Do we know who was Cameron's role model throughout these EU negotiations?

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Enoch Powell.

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It was Enoch Powell who suggested or thought that

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if you spoke with a full bladder, dying to go,

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that you gave your words a sense of urgency,

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and apparently Cameron did this, had a full bladder while he was negotiating.

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He was desperate to go to the loo.

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It's true that Enoch Powell actually said:

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That was in his famous "Rivers of Piss" speech.

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Umm... what's his name...

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a chap who fibbed over the dossier?

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Alastair Campbell?

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He pricked himself with an open paper clip

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all during his examination at the Leveson Inquiry...

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-That's right.

-..to keep him on edge.

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It's a different technique, but yes.

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I picked it up from The Ipcress File, where Michael Caine

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does a similar thing with a piece of broken glass

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to stop himself being hypnotised. Mind you, that was a film.

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Work of fiction, my lad.

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Yeah, well, so was Alastair Campbell.

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So we've done Friday, all through the weekend. Now he's changed his mind.

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Nick Clegg goes missing when Cameron comes to the Commons to defend his decision.

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-Why was that?

-I thought that was unfair.

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People were saying, "Nick Clegg wasn't in the House of Commons."

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But, it's fair enough. David Cameron's dry cleaning won't pick itself up.

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He said he didn't turn up because he thought it would be a "distraction."

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And that everyone might laugh at him, which again is one of the few things he got right.

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But he's not a distraction. He's Nick Clegg.

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If David Cameron turned up with Rihanna, I'd probably be looking at Rihanna.

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But Nick Clegg could turn up to the House of Commons, completely naked,

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save for a lit flare in front of his manhood, and I still wouldn't even know who he was.

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-But you'd never forget him, though, would you?

-No, I wouldn't forget him!

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So, Ed Miliband tries to put Cameron on the spot in Commons,

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and at one point, Miliband told the Speaker, "I haven't finished with him yet."

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-Yes.

-How did Cameron and Osborne react to this threat?

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Did they go, "Oooooh!"?

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-Make those sort of noises?

-I love how childish it is, all of it. A, that he wouldn't sit next to him,

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and then an insult like that, that's like one away from saying,

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"Your mum is so fat, her BMI number is pi."

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You're not writing his speeches, are you?

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It's the Geoffrey Howe sort of argument again,

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being beaten with a dead sheep.

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-An attack by Miliband is a dead mouse, probably.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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Have you met Ed Miliband?

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I have. Tall, arrogant, weak handshake. That's it.

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APPLAUSE

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-And I'm a Labour voter.

-Would you have voted for his brother, then?

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I didn't meet the brother, but I met some of the others. Oh, dear.

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I met Diane Abbott. Did a bit of lightweight TV researching

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for a pal of mine. He said she was terrible.

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-There was the bully - what's his name?

-Ed Balls?

-Balls.

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-You wouldn't pay him in washers.

-No.

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So you met all the Labour candidates? Did they bring you in to vet them all?

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No. Over the years I've met them.

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-I've never met Burnham. Is it Burnham?

-Burnham.

-Andy Burnham.

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Don't know who he is.

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I'm afraid we need a new raft of them, because that...

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They're dead in the water.

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Is your main criteria for leadership a strong handshake?

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I think... < You'd vote Abu Hamza.

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That's a VERY strong handshake!

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-Draws blood.

-You know somebody if they've got it, and he ain't got it.

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-Right.

-Have you seen anyone who HAS got it on the contemporary scene?

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No. That's the tragedy.

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What about Little Mix?

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So the Daily Mail have accused the BBC of not being impartial,

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and the Mail's impartial lead story on the front page of their paper read as follows:

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The Daily Mail are writing stuff like that, cos they must feel weird

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cos there's nothing to hate about.

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There's all this anti-European stuff going round, they don't know what to do.

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Jan Moir's probably sat at her desk

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praying that Elton John dies in suspicious circumstances.

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He just needs to die - she'll manufacture the suspicious circumstances!

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-One thing's for sure, come Eurovision Song Contest, we're screwed.

-Yeah.

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They hated us as it was,

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and now we could resurrect the Beatles and send them, we'd still get nul points!

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-Is that such a bad thing?

-I do like the Eurovision Song Contest.

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I get annoyed cos they always say it's political as well.

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Now it'll get even more so. I reckon we just go tough on them.

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Moldova say, "We're only sending you two points this year."

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"Well, fine, we're sending you two of them Tomahawk missiles."

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Just as soon as we find out where the hell you are.

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-I went to Moldova once.

-Oh, yes?

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APPLAUSE

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Moldova is the place

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where the Terylene eiderdown that slips off the bed still exists.

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-You know those terrible things?

-I thought you were being nostalgic!

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-You put the eiderdown on, and it goes straight onto the floor.

-Even that doesn't want to be there.

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Politics as normal goes on. We catch up with Adam Werritty. Do you remember Adam Werritty?

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-He was Dr Fox's friend.

-He gave an interview to the Spectator this week.

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Amongst other things, we found out what his plans are for New Year's Eve.

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-He's going to spend it with the Foxes.

-Yes, he is!

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They're very forgiving.

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Is he a friend of Dr Fox's, like William Hague had that friend?

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You should have a chat to our lawyer about that one!

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How do you spell innuendo?

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You're doing Countdown, you should brush up on these things.

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Don't talk to me about that. I see all these letters...

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I think, "Oh, my God,"

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-and I get "cat."

-Yes.

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And then some kid says, "Cataclysmic."

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Yeah. There's only nine letters, isn't there?

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I don't know.

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Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.

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It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.

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Staggering. And then Cameron brings in Coulson into Number Ten.

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The sort of bloke you wouldn't have in the house.

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APPLAUSE

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If you saw him come up the drive, you'd hide behind the curtains.

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You'd set the dog on him.

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Samantha Cameron was spotted shopping this week.

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Does anyone know where she went to make purchases?

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She went to IKEA. This was an austerity bid, wasn't it?

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She bought some flat-packs, and we're meant to believe

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that her and David lay them all out and count the number of screws,

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and say, "Look, there's one missing there."

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-There's pictures of her, she's posed.

-It was a set-up!

-Of course!

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Because they've just spent 80,000 quid on curtains or something,

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and someone said, "Get down to IKEA and make it look as though you're like the rest of us."

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You're so cynical, Nick!

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-You're going to tell us some of those apprentices are really quite good!

-They are!

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They're not, you know!

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-I'll die for them!

-Would you?

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Is it cos Sweden's one of the few countries that are with us

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with this whole anti-Europe thing?

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So, trying to keep them sweet, going to IKEA, buying up a bit of that. Thinking.

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-Thinking ahead. 12 points coming our way!

-Yes, get in!

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APPLAUSE

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But it wasn't all doom and gloom. On a positive note,

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this is what Andrew Neil was doing on his politics show this week.

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We leave you with news that the music for the 2012 opening ceremony

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will be overseen by a techno-rave outfit called Underworld,

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who famously provided the soundtrack to Trainspotting.

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Remember that? That was a gutter story of illegal drug-taking

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on an Olympic scale.

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Nighty-night.

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Don't let the performance-enhancing substances bite.

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MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld

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Oh, no!

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Nurse! Nurse! Make them stop!

0:16:590:17:03

NICK: Extraordinary.

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-My wife used to go out with him.

-What?!

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APPLAUSE

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-She did? She really did?

-Yeah, when they were kids.

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She said he was good-looking in those days.

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Jack, do you find a lot of kids busting out some of those moves at the clubs?

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-Yeah, that one, that's a classic.

-Is it?

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-Yeah, I'm always doing that in the clubs.

-And what's this one about?

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-Are you making some sort of pudding?

-You're mixing the...

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-Pudding!

-No, no, mixing the discs.

-Oh, right.

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-Playing the tracks, you know, hip-hop, R&B.

-What's this, then?

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-That's if you're hard of hearing.

-Oh, right.

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This is David Cameron's Christmas bonus for the bankers,

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with his brave refusal to allow Europe to make them pay for the mess they've caused.

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Not that we're taking sides. When asked about Nick Clegg's

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conspicuous absence in the House of Commons, David Cameron replied:

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He should never have let him off the lead.

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It's only a matter of time before there's a YouTube video

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of Cameron in Richmond Park, shouting,

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"Cleggy! Cleggy! Jesus Christ! Cleggy!"

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Party leaders sent out their Christmas cards.

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Nick Clegg's card depicted himself as a snowman.

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An appropriate choice, as he won't last beyond January either.

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Paul and Nick, take a look at this.

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Scandalous. These are glove puppets we're looking at.

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Those are small children inside.

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There's the lovely David Attenborough, with a bee on his finger.

0:18:520:18:55

-That's a bogey.

-Is it?

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When you said that, the Director General of the BBC came up. Was that deliberate?

0:18:570:19:01

What happened was that it's impossible to get footage

0:19:010:19:04

of newly-born cubs in the den with the polar bear

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because the polar bear would kill the cameraman or the cubs,

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so they had a shot of a polar bear and some cubs in a specially built shelter

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that had been built in a Dutch wildlife park, and used that material.

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Some people said they felt cheated by this. There were 32 people.

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In the age of Twitter, 32 people complained, out of 8 million that watched Frozen Planet.

0:19:230:19:27

And one who complained was the polar bear. He said, "He was nowhere near me, I didn't see any cameras."

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INDISTINCT

0:19:320:19:34

-Last thing you want to do is sneak up on a polar beer with its cubs.

-No.

0:19:340:19:40

I've seen human women giving birth get pretty annoyed.

0:19:400:19:43

A polar beer, I imagine, would be apoplectic.

0:19:430:19:45

I was a bit disappointed.

0:19:450:19:47

He said afterwards, "We're making movies!"

0:19:470:19:50

I thought, "No, you're making a documentary,"

0:19:500:19:52

and the point of that is that they've gone to the wild and filmed that.

0:19:520:19:56

If I found out that crocodile had jumped up

0:19:560:19:58

and attacked the wildebeest crossing the river,

0:19:580:20:01

and they said, "Oh, that was in Scunthorpe,

0:20:010:20:04

-"we did that in a zoo..."

-You wouldn't be disappointed

0:20:040:20:07

to find that happened in Scunthorpe. You'd be intrigued.

0:20:070:20:10

I'd be thrilled, you're right.

0:20:100:20:13

-That Nick Clegg thing there, which I believe totally...

-Yeah.

0:20:130:20:17

I thought he was in bed.

0:20:170:20:20

I thought the phone was going, and I would have been disappointed,

0:20:200:20:25

but luckily they put "reconstruction" at the bottom.

0:20:250:20:29

-Makes you wonder about the moon landings.

-Exactly.

0:20:290:20:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:330:20:36

I'm with Mr Merton.

0:20:360:20:38

-Are you?

-I know you are, you're sitting over there.

0:20:380:20:41

Not least because my wife comes from Scunthorpe.

0:20:410:20:44

Yes, exactly.

0:20:440:20:46

And that's where she met Andrew Neil - in a wildlife park, wasn't it?

0:20:460:20:49

-This is the piece of footage that we're arguing about.

-Yes.

0:20:490:20:53

On these side slopes, beneath the snow, new lives are beginning.

0:20:560:21:01

The cubs are born blind and tiny.

0:21:130:21:17

An early birth is easier on the mother, who is barely awake.

0:21:170:21:22

-And in the Netherlands!

-Yes!

0:21:220:21:24

A polar bear is a polar bear. People are reacting like they've talced a cat.

0:21:240:21:29

LAUGHTER

0:21:290:21:31

It's not a big deal, but he did say,

0:21:310:21:33

-"on these slopes, beneath the ice..."

-That's what you would see if you were there.

0:21:330:21:38

He could have said, "This is what you would have seen."

0:21:380:21:41

I know I'm making a less interesting documentary in my head.

0:21:410:21:44

-Yes, at least you're watching it!

-Yeah.

0:21:440:21:47

So Sir David Attenborough was voted Britain's what five years ago?

0:21:470:21:52

-Most trusted man.

-He was. Which is odd as now we know

0:21:520:21:56

he's a pathological liar.

0:21:560:21:58

One online commentator has said this to the BBC:

0:21:580:22:03

Do you know what the bears involved in the scandal are up to now?

0:22:110:22:15

-They've got a few adverts.

-Glaciers mints, yeah.

0:22:150:22:19

Huggies, the mother, she's had more babies.

0:22:200:22:23

One of the cubs in the programme has his own show

0:22:230:22:25

at a wildlife park in Inverness in Scotland.

0:22:250:22:28

And the other cub is doing fine as well.

0:22:280:22:32

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:22:320:22:35

David Attenborough made it into soup.

0:22:350:22:38

"This delicious bear!"

0:22:400:22:42

People love accusing shows of being fake.

0:22:440:22:48

Loads of people do it with The Only Way Is Essex.

0:22:480:22:50

You see them going, "It's scripted." It's not scripted.

0:22:500:22:53

If it was scripted it would mean the people in it would have to read.

0:22:530:22:57

LAUGHTER

0:22:570:22:59

-You don't think Made In Chelsea's fake as well, do you?

-What?!

0:22:590:23:03

-Just checking.

-What else in the animal kingdom have the BBC faked pictures of?

0:23:050:23:10

-Bagpuss on safari!

-You cynic! Think of the scariest animal in the world.

0:23:100:23:15

JACK: Rastamouse.

0:23:150:23:16

It's the goliath tarantula.

0:23:190:23:22

-It's the size of a dinner plate.

-That's handy!

0:23:220:23:26

LAUGHTER

0:23:260:23:27

What do they taste like?

0:23:270:23:28

In Human Planet the BBC showed footage of Venezuelan boys

0:23:280:23:33

hunting one, although according to the Mirror:

0:23:330:23:36

Deadliest animal on the planet is the human being.

0:23:380:23:40

A teacher said that to me, and the deadliest weapon is the human mind.

0:23:400:23:43

That's not right - Stephen Hawking is clever,

0:23:430:23:46

but put him with a shark, my money's on the shark.

0:23:460:23:48

You've just given Channel 5 their next game show.

0:23:520:23:55

What did Mark Thompson attribute the newspaper fury about the Pandas to?

0:23:560:24:03

He said it was revenge for Leveson,

0:24:030:24:05

cos the BBC's been saying the papers have behaved badly

0:24:050:24:08

and they've been keen to find something

0:24:080:24:10

where the BBC's behaved badly.

0:24:100:24:11

And kill two birds with one stone,

0:24:110:24:13

because Hugh Grant is the father of the cub, so...

0:24:130:24:18

-I missed that bit of the evidence.

-It was on the website.

-Oh!

0:24:180:24:22

APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:24

Mark Thompson did wonder:

0:24:240:24:26

Back at the press inquiries, what was handed to the Select Committee inquiry into phone hacking?

0:24:300:24:35

Was this the e-mail to James Murdoch which he didn't read?

0:24:350:24:38

-Yes.

-He said he received it and it said, "There's loads of reporters

0:24:380:24:41

"hacking people,"

0:24:410:24:43

but he didn't get that far.

0:24:430:24:44

When you're chief executive

0:24:440:24:46

of a company and the lawyer writes to you and says there's trouble, you don't read it(!)

0:24:460:24:51

-No. It was the weekend, as he said.

-Saturday.

0:24:510:24:54

-He can't work seven days a week.

-Give the guy a break.

0:24:540:24:57

I don't think if he'd been in front of you on The Apprentice he'd have got anywhere.

0:24:570:25:03

He's in trouble now.

0:25:030:25:05

Squirmy, squirmy. LAUGHTER

0:25:090:25:11

Even if he said he's tried really hard to run the company

0:25:150:25:18

properly you wouldn't have it, would you?

0:25:180:25:20

-No.

-He's done for.

0:25:200:25:24

Did you notice the way that the Times reported that?

0:25:250:25:28

-The Times was quite keen.

-And the Independent did it so different.

0:25:280:25:32

-How interesting.

-Hmm.

0:25:320:25:34

Actually, I'm slightly adrift, because it was the Mulcaire story that was reported so differently.

0:25:340:25:40

That story the Times did actually run.

0:25:400:25:43

The Times trumpeted the fact that it couldn't have been Mulcaire

0:25:430:25:46

deleting Milly Dowler's voice messages

0:25:460:25:48

because he wasn't brought onto the scene until afterwards.

0:25:480:25:51

They hacked the phone.

0:25:510:25:52

They're arguing about who's responsible for the messages

0:25:520:25:55

falling off and whether they fell off automatically.

0:25:550:25:57

No-one seems to know. They got the phone company involved saying,

0:25:570:26:00

"Did they?" and no-one can remember.

0:26:000:26:02

-The company's gone bust. Technology's older than Amstrad.

-Here!

-I know, but it is.

0:26:020:26:08

You are going to get a strongly-worded fax about that.

0:26:080:26:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:110:26:14

I think the Leveson Inquiry would be so much better if it was

0:26:170:26:21

conducted by Nick and Alan Sugar. Them sat there,

0:26:210:26:25

Nick giving the death stare eyes, that cold gaze.

0:26:250:26:27

Alan Sugar wagging the finger shouting at them

0:26:270:26:30

and Karren Brady could patronise them.

0:26:300:26:33

That's a bit unfair.

0:26:330:26:35

"She's very sharp," he said, covering his arse.

0:26:360:26:40

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:42

This is the news that the BBC didn't send a cameraman into

0:26:450:26:48

minus 60 degrees to poke a long pole with a camera attached

0:26:480:26:51

into a polar bear den, endangering their life

0:26:510:26:54

and the lives of the polar bears.

0:26:540:26:57

Not that we're taking sides. The row has damaged the reputation

0:26:570:27:00

of the BBC, but that will be nothing compared

0:27:000:27:02

to the scandal when ITV viewers find out those aren't real meerkats.

0:27:020:27:06

Also this week, the infamous News Of The World reporter

0:27:060:27:09

Mazher Mahmood has been giving evidence to the Leveson Inquiry.

0:27:090:27:13

During his tabloid career he entrapped dozens of celebrities by dressing up as a:

0:27:130:27:17

He is still in work,

0:27:180:27:20

dressing up as a polar bear for BBC documentaries.

0:27:200:27:23

Now, Round Two, the Large Hadron Collider of news.

0:27:230:27:28

We fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse the results.

0:27:280:27:32

Buzz in when you know what it is.

0:27:320:27:34

BUZZER

0:27:350:27:37

-OK, Paul and Nick?

-That's the Hadron Collider.

-Yes.

0:27:390:27:42

It's this Higgs boson particle,

0:27:440:27:47

which... I don't understand it, not many people do.

0:27:470:27:50

They have an idea it's in the vicinity.

0:27:500:27:53

They're not sure exactly where it is.

0:27:530:27:55

They know roughly where it is.

0:27:550:27:57

They're hoping it will emerge next year.

0:27:570:27:59

-In a flat in Sheffield?

-Yeah.

0:27:590:28:02

I read that it was millions of pounds worth of technology and cameras,

0:28:020:28:06

loads of flashing lights, but all focused on microscopic potential.

0:28:060:28:10

A bit like X Factor.

0:28:100:28:12

The Times says the scientists have had:

0:28:150:28:17

What is the indication? What is it?

0:28:190:28:21

Is it a disembodied voice? "I am the Higgs boson, you cannot find me."

0:28:210:28:28

Why was that Swedish?

0:28:280:28:30

They use a particular analogy.

0:28:310:28:33

It's an analogy between Margaret Thatcher and the Higgs boson.

0:28:330:28:36

I know, I see your horror there. This is used by scientists. It says:

0:28:360:28:40

This is obviously pre-Eric Pickles.

0:28:520:28:55

LAUGHTER

0:28:550:28:58

What happens next is a rumour is started and passes

0:29:020:29:06

through the room:

0:29:060:29:08

I don't understand it!

0:29:150:29:18

I went to a party where she was once.

0:29:180:29:20

-Yes!

-Was she carrying a lot of mass at the time?

0:29:200:29:24

-A big handbag.

-That will be it.

0:29:240:29:26

If you don't understand this, we've got Professor Steve Jones,

0:29:270:29:31

one of the Telegraph's science correspondents.

0:29:310:29:34

What he had to say on the subject on Wednesday:

0:29:340:29:36

-That's good.

-Yeah.

-That's refreshing.

-Reassuring(!)

0:29:410:29:44

Don't worry. If you don't understand it, they've released some footage that'll clear it all up.

0:29:440:29:48

It's like trying to get out of Birmingham.

0:29:480:29:52

I hope this isn't a simulation we're watching here.

0:29:520:29:56

It hasn't indicated that it's not.

0:29:560:29:57

-Oh, look, that's real.

-It's lovely(!) Look at that!

0:29:570:30:02

This is what would happen if Andrew Neil actually took ecstasy.

0:30:020:30:06

It's like the beginning of Tron, but I'm none the wiser.

0:30:060:30:09

I was chucked out of chemistry - or was it physics? I've no idea.

0:30:090:30:13

I couldn't do chemistry. I was no good at that.

0:30:130:30:17

For some bizarre reason I was doing chemistry A Level.

0:30:170:30:20

God knows why. I managed to write,

0:30:200:30:22

"Lime water turns milky" three times and fell asleep.

0:30:220:30:24

I don't know why lime water turns milky,

0:30:240:30:27

but under certain circumstances you can't stop it.

0:30:270:30:30

It was great coming out of the exam because people were going, "I'm not sure how I did."

0:30:300:30:34

I was completely calm - I knew how I had done.

0:30:340:30:37

I had no worries at all.

0:30:370:30:38

Elsewhere in science, what challenge will Professor Stephen Hawking

0:30:380:30:42

be facing in the new year?

0:30:420:30:44

Is he playing in the Olympic basketball team?

0:30:440:30:46

Fastest lap on Top Gear?

0:30:460:30:48

Radio 4 has asked listeners to submit fiendish questions

0:30:510:30:54

to put to Stephen Hawking in its most cerebral quiz ever.

0:30:540:30:58

A lot of the questions can be seen online.

0:30:580:31:00

-Shall we have a go at a couple?

-Why not?

0:31:000:31:03

-Yes.

-Yes.

-But they'd be behind you.

0:31:070:31:10

It's one of those things you used to get at school.

0:31:120:31:15

"If it takes a man five days to run a bath, how many apples, and a bunch of grapes?" I don't know.

0:31:150:31:20

Ask him. I don't know. Why bother me? I wouldn't know.

0:31:200:31:24

Eamonn Holmes.

0:31:280:31:30

At a rate of knots. Constellations are disappearing daily.

0:31:300:31:35

Yeah. Is the correct answer.

0:31:350:31:37

What exam board do you represent again?

0:31:370:31:41

..says the professor very succinctly.

0:31:480:31:50

Fingers on buzzers. Here's another one. Buzz when you know what it is.

0:31:500:31:55

BELL

0:31:550:31:56

-Mr Goodwin.

-Yes.

-Has he had a leg removed

0:31:560:31:58

for crimes against the state?

0:31:580:32:01

You couldn't get a picture that made you look like more of a wanker.

0:32:010:32:06

Banker.

0:32:060:32:08

The Financial Services Authority have produced a report

0:32:080:32:10

on how Royal Bank of Scotland collapsed.

0:32:100:32:13

They've come to the conclusion that it was his fault.

0:32:130:32:17

He tried to buy a Dutch bank.

0:32:170:32:18

Everyone said "Don't buy the bank because they have real problems."

0:32:180:32:22

He said, "No, I think it will work out well."

0:32:220:32:24

The rest of the board said "Good idea.

0:32:240:32:27

"We'll do whatever you say and take the cheque." It went belly up.

0:32:270:32:32

The bank was bailed out by us to the tune of 46 billion quid,

0:32:320:32:36

26,000 people were robbed of their jobs, and it helped to bring the economy to its knees.

0:32:360:32:40

The answer to this would be to ask your old mucker Mr Sugar, would it not, Nick?

0:32:400:32:44

-Lord Sugar.

-Lord Sugar. Do you think so?

0:32:440:32:48

What was the question?

0:32:480:32:49

It's like Countdown. Wake up!

0:32:490:32:52

Just because the audience is asleep doesn't mean you can be.

0:32:520:32:56

What a terrible thing to say about the Countdown audience.

0:32:560:33:00

Some of them are still alive. Honestly(!)

0:33:000:33:03

I think the answer to all the recession stuff would be to ask

0:33:030:33:06

Nick's old boss Lord Sugar.

0:33:060:33:08

How does this region get out of recession?

0:33:080:33:11

Oh, shit.

0:33:110:33:12

LAUGHTER

0:33:120:33:14

That's when he was a government spokesman. He was meant to help small businesses.

0:33:160:33:21

They caught him off-guard. He wasn't feeling very well.

0:33:210:33:23

He came back and gave a great, full explanation

0:33:230:33:26

of what he should have done. How's that?

0:33:260:33:29

-Yeah(!)

-Pretty nauseating.

0:33:290:33:31

Amongst the many people criticised in this report,

0:33:310:33:35

Sir Fred Goodwin copped some flak.

0:33:350:33:37

According to the Mirror, Sir Fred's style could only be described as

0:33:370:33:41

"brutal," with the RBS executive wing known as "the torture chamber,"

0:33:410:33:45

where Goodwin would hold "morning beatings"

0:33:450:33:48

every day at 9.30am to intimidate and humiliate executives.

0:33:480:33:52

-Morning beatings?!

-They used to say meetings,

0:33:520:33:54

but terrified employees called them "morning beatings."

0:33:540:33:57

-So he didn't actually physically attack people every morning?

-No.

0:33:570:34:01

He's not Max Mosley, for goodness sake.

0:34:010:34:03

You're flirting with danger, aren't you?

0:34:050:34:08

What do we know about his engagement with his employees?

0:34:080:34:11

-He had an affair with one of them.

-Yes.

0:34:110:34:13

He took out an injunction to try and stop anyone knowing.

0:34:130:34:16

How did that go?

0:34:160:34:18

I may have just broken it.

0:34:180:34:21

What have pink wafers got to do with all this?

0:34:210:34:23

For people who were employee of the month,

0:34:230:34:25

he would make them eat their own body weight in pink wafers in a dungeon.

0:34:250:34:29

He would fire pink wafers at them through a pneumatic air pistol,

0:34:290:34:33

into their gaping mouth, which was being held open

0:34:330:34:35

by a specially trained monkey.

0:34:350:34:37

-It's close.

-LAUGHTER

0:34:370:34:40

Sir Fred once raged at catering staff, in an e-mail entitled:

0:34:400:34:44

-..after senior executives were served pink wafers.

-I think he does have...

0:34:470:34:51

I don't want to agree with Fred "The Shred" Goodwin,

0:34:510:34:54

but the pink wafer is a terribly tricky biscuit to handle. You can't eat it

0:34:540:34:58

and not look really camp, and I struggle, at the best of times, to try and look butch.

0:34:580:35:02

-Don't go near them!

-I can't go near a pink wafer. Even if I'm dunking it in a big milky tea

0:35:020:35:07

with 15 sugars, as soon as it comes out, the whole hand transforms.

0:35:070:35:11

I have to stick with something manly, like a bourbon.

0:35:110:35:14

You might as well wear a tiara than eat a wafer.

0:35:140:35:17

What were the tabloids particularly disappointed to learn wasn't relevant to the inquiry?

0:35:170:35:22

His affair.

0:35:220:35:23

-Exactly.

-But the inquiry cleared just about everyone of everything.

0:35:230:35:27

-I'll tell you what, Sugar would have got to the bottom of all this.

-That's Lord Sugar.

0:35:270:35:31

Lord Sugar. APPLAUSE

0:35:310:35:35

In other banking news, why has an investment banker named Mike had a bad week?

0:35:360:35:40

Something to do with the internet in some way?

0:35:400:35:43

-Yes, that's right.

-He e-mailed somebody

0:35:430:35:45

and somebody who shouldn't have got the e-mail read it

0:35:450:35:48

and there was a huge kerfuffle and it ended up on YouTube.

0:35:480:35:51

I've got no idea what I'm talking about. Something like that?

0:35:510:35:55

-Well, Mike's basically gone viral, so you were right about the internet...

-Yes.

0:35:550:35:59

..after he wrote a 1,615-word e-mail

0:35:590:36:03

to his date, Lauren, who refused to go on a second date with him.

0:36:030:36:06

According to the Mail:

0:36:060:36:08

So, what examples did Mike give in his e-mail to suggest that he felt led on?

0:36:180:36:23

I don't know, but I'm almost certainly going to be on his side.

0:36:230:36:26

Men generally think that if a woman just looks at them, that's it.

0:36:260:36:29

We're quite simple creatures, really, in that regard.

0:36:290:36:32

-NICK: If their pupils dilate.

-That's right.

0:36:320:36:35

-How close are you?!

-Yeah.

0:36:350:36:37

And what have you given them?

0:36:370:36:39

-Rohypnol?!

-APPLAUSE

0:36:390:36:43

Mike wrote:

0:36:440:36:45

Unless it's armpit hair. That's a way of getting rid of a man.

0:36:530:36:56

He also said:

0:36:580:37:00

How do we suggest that Mike carries things on in this situation?

0:37:130:37:17

-I think probably get out now.

-Well, unfortunately,

0:37:170:37:20

he's not taken that hint. He's written:

0:37:200:37:22

He's not very good at hard-to-get, is he?

0:37:340:37:36

-No.

-Well, this is the FSA's report into the collapse of RBS.

-That was the report?!

0:37:360:37:41

-No!

-LAUGHTER

0:37:410:37:43

-They really took their eye off the ball.

-Yeah.

0:37:430:37:46

-They didn't really pay attention to what was coming through on the photocopier...

-No, it's very bad.

0:37:460:37:51

-Very bad.

-All this Mike disguise, that's Sir Fred, isn't it?

-Sir Fred has recently separated

0:37:510:37:55

from his wife, and according to the Daily Mail:

0:37:550:37:58

Presumably having sold his granny first.

0:37:590:38:02

Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication

0:38:020:38:06

In A Nutshell, the official magazine of the Squirrel Lovers' Club.

0:38:060:38:11

-Like squirrels themselves, it's not often READ.

-GROANING

0:38:110:38:14

-Oh, come on. It's the festive season.

-That's a good squirrel joke.

0:38:140:38:18

-Yeah.

-There aren't many in the world.

-We start with:

0:38:180:38:21

To be or not to be a squirrel, that is the question?

0:38:240:38:29

JACK: To have my grandparents for Christmas

0:38:290:38:32

or not to put up with racism for the next ten days.

0:38:320:38:35

-It's the classic yuletide dilemma.

-Yeah.

0:38:350:38:39

-Is that true of your grandparents?

-Yeah.

0:38:390:38:41

Yeah.

0:38:410:38:43

The answer is:

0:38:430:38:45

This is the fierce debate raging amongst squirrel lovers

0:38:490:38:52

currently coursing through the pages of In A Nutshell

0:38:520:38:55

over the best way to feed the cute-looking, bushy-tailed roadkill.

0:38:550:38:58

The same issue also features the following front-page apology.

0:38:580:39:01

And that, News Of The World, is how you do an apology. Next:

0:39:130:39:20

Give a damn.

0:39:220:39:24

Pay tribute to the early jazz pioneer Bix Beiderbecke.

0:39:240:39:30

The answer is:

0:39:300:39:31

This is the star columnist of In A Nutshell, Janet George,

0:39:340:39:37

writing about Twiggy the performing squirrel. Janet also reveals:

0:39:370:39:40

She needs to stay in more. Next:

0:39:470:39:50

There's a train coming.

0:39:540:39:55

It's actually:

0:39:550:39:57

And of course, chuck-chuck-chuff-chuff-chuck

0:40:020:40:04

is also Cilla Black after the Blind Date reunion party.

0:40:040:40:08

And finally:

0:40:080:40:10

I shoved an acorn up me arse.

0:40:140:40:15

The weather's been pretty stormy this week. Here's a response from Scotland.

0:40:200:40:24

-Lord.

-Oh, my God! Trampoline!

0:40:240:40:27

Trampoline!

0:40:270:40:30

So, the final scores are

0:40:330:40:35

Paul and Nick have four points,

0:40:350:40:38

-but Ian and Jack have five.

-Unbelievable!

-Unbelievable.

0:40:380:40:41

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:40:410:40:46

I'm very grateful.

0:40:460:40:48

I leave you with news that as the funfair comes to Mogadishu,

0:40:480:40:51

it's a productive day on the rifle range for two Somali pirates.

0:40:510:40:55

Unions brace themselves as Number Ten unveils a new advisor

0:40:580:41:01

with responsibility for Work And Pensions reform.

0:41:010:41:03

And as an inquiry is set up to investigate alleged faking of BBC wildlife documentaries,

0:41:080:41:13

one key witness agrees to testify as long as she's granted anonymity.

0:41:130:41:16

Good night.

0:41:200:41:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:450:41:48

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:41:480:41:51