Episode 10 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Martin Clunes.

In the news this week,

at rehearsals for the London 2012 opening ceremony,

organisers admit it was a mistake to let Boris Johnson have first go at running with the torch.

At Covent Garden, a reporter announces

the celebrities who will be turning on this year's Christmas lights will be Jedward.

In Dublin, there's delight at the news that the EU has finally outlawed national stereotyping.

After 60 years in showbusiness, publishers scramble to buy the rights to Ronnie Corbett's diaries.

And in Wigan, a councillor proudly announces the council's anti-litter scheme has been a total success.

As a result, it does take a long time to make change, even with the best will in the world.

With Ian is an actress who recently said that British comedy is still patronising and sexist

and women can't be trusted to be funny.

Listen, love....

All you need there is a punch line, all right?

Please welcome the gorgeous Rebecca Front.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a stand-up comedian who, in 2008,

received £8,000 for winning the Intelligent Finance Comedy Award,

and promptly invested the lot in Greek bonds. Please welcome David O'Doherty.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and David, take a look at this.

This is North Korea, obviously.

This is the leader there.

That was an airtight box, he was all right before they put him in there.

-Kim Jong, very ill.

-Yeah, that's it, yeah. Um.

That's his son, who parts his hair in an extraordinary way that no other person does,

which bodes ill for the Korean people.

So yes. The old bloke's dead and new bloke's come in.

-Pretty much.

-Where did those glasses come from?

I didn't know it was fancy dress!

The women that were weeping at the escalator was quite amusing.

He'd travelled on an escalator at one of his last public appearances, visiting a department store.

They're now weeping, and treating the escalator as a shrine, a moving shrine literally.

-Would you like to see the last photo taken of him while alive?

-Yes, please.

There he is.

Looking a bit lonely.

The escalator has now become a shrine. There's people surrounding the escalator.

Maybe they're just worried the escalator's broken down?

-It's competitive grief, isn't it?

-Competitive grief?

Yeah. If you cry really loud, you get a house.

If you don't cry loud enough, you're not seen to be crying, you get killed, which is...

Be given something to cry about, I believe.

-Very much the way I bring up my children.

-Indeed.

-I'm fascinated by Kim Jong-un.

-Is he the new one?

-Yeah, he's the new one.

Because, you know, he's a portly chap.

"I'm a little despot, short and stout." And...

-You look at him. I wouldn't normally comment on somebody's...

-People's appearance.

Not on a man's girth. Well, I might!

But I wouldn't do it on a show like this, obviously!

You've got to say, if the rest of the population is starving, he isn't.

Do you know what his first official duty was?

-Change the national anthem?

-No, attend his father's lying in state.

It was eerily reminiscent of Jimmy Savile's recent funeral.

Only without the little ashtray full of cigar butts. But in every other way.

And it wasn't in a pub. But in every other way.

No, it's very dangerous being a Kim. Because it's all-purpose.

One Kim's dead, long live the next Kim.

Another of the brothers was deemed too effeminate.

He was chucked.

And this is the best you can get from that family.

-He's the youngest, is that right?

-The youngest still alive.

-Ah yeah, that could be it.

That would make him the youngest then?!

He's got a sister as well, I can't remember her name. I think it's Kim!

-Do you know what the mother's name was...

-Kim?

Kim Ok.

Like the shampoo! Um...

Kim Jong-il is known as the Dear Leader latterly.

But he accumulated a number of other names, do you remember any of those?

-His father was called the Eternal President because even after he was dead he was still president.

-Was he?

-Yeah.

-I think he still is.

-Is he still?

-I think he still is. I may have just got that wrong.

No, no, that's eternity for you. Just keeps on coming.

He was also known as the...

And...

According to the official state version of events, what happened around the time of his birth?

There was a star in the east.

-Pretty much. It was foretold by a swallow. Unusual.

-A swallow?

-Yes.

Nothing to do with the conception. And then...

A double... Shut up! Come on, it's Christmas.

It was a double rainbow, and a new star appeared above the mountain-top where he was born.

Nice. That's nice.

Certainly, one star though, three stars would have been better. Five stars the best.

-Did he not play a round of golf once, and got 11 holes in one?

-Yep.

Which is quite nicely detailed, that he didn't go for the full... I don't know what a full one is.

-18.

-Thank you.

-Because that wouldn't have been credible.

-Yes.

-Whereas 11...

Which food did he claim to have invented in 2000?

The banana!

The Snickers.

Kumquat?

-Not far off.

-The Kimquat?

-Ah, very good! It's the...

Oh, I love those(!)

Which means two breads with meat.

Or, as we would call it, a hamburger.

He kidnapped a film-maker and made him make films for him.

When they first met, he said...

Do you know what, according to the official North Korean website, what he never ever did?

-Never did anything bad, ever.

-Quite. He never defecated or urinated.

-Really?

-Yep.

That would explain the size of his son, anyway!

What can North Korea threaten everyone with this Christmas?

-Armageddon?

-Yes, according to the Guardian...

Not as many as in Thailand, so I've heard.

Thank you.

No Dong is the name of a missile which could be used to deliver a nuclear warhead.

-Isn't that nice?

-Are we within range?

-Yeah, I'm sure we are.

-Oh.

-We usually are.

The son tracked down a Korean expert from Leeds University who said...

On the subject of tyrants, which despot launched his own fashion label this week?

Robert Mugabe?

-Yes!

-Is it right!

APPLAUSE

A range of T-shirts, jackets and caps bearing his signature under the slogan...

"A splash of attitude"?

Misprint for "blood".

In a week when North Korea dominated the pages,

Vaclav Havel sadly died, the former President of the Czech Republic.

The world's media were quick to pay tribute.

See if you can spot the subliminal message in John Simpson's report here.

TV REPORT: 'There was nothing grand about him.

'He felt completely out of place with all the pomp and ceremony.

'He didn't even like wearing a suit.

'In terms of intellect, he was way ahead of most other political leaders.'

Yes, this is the death of Kim Jong-il.

Amongst his many surprising foibles, Kim Jong-il was a huge fan of Elvis Presley.

He particularly liked Hound Dog, which he would often tuck into when listening to Elvis' greatest hits.

In his first game of golf, the Dear Leader claimed to have completed the first course in...

..thereby breaking Tiger Woods' record of being the biggest liar ever to set foot on a golf course.

Kim Jong-il's death was particularly bad news for Bono

who is now the world's only short-arsed megalomaniac who wears sunglasses all the time.

There are fears Kim Jong-il's death will leave North Korea with a power vacuum

which, if true, could be the only electrical appliance in the whole country.

Ian and Rebecca, take a look at this.

Oh, that's people having cosy lunch with each other.

It's the rich what gets the pleasure and the poor what gets the blame.

Goldman Sachs, the vampire squids.

-Tax dodgers.

-Tax dodgers. Good, we can read!

It's about these... Are they called sweetheart deals?

Where you take the tax person,

Dave Hartnett or similar, out to lunch.

But mostly him.

But mostly him. Take him out for lunch

if you can't pay your few billion pounds' worth of tax

and let's face it, you know, times are tough.

So you just take him out for lunch and it's all fine

and actually you can probably write most of that off.

I don't want to crow,

but this is a Private Eye story

which after a year has finally come good.

Hooray, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Essentially, we're all in it together,

except the very large companies

who don't seem to have to pay their tax bills.

You take out the head of the revenue for lunch

and you get a special deal.

So Vodafone, I mean, owe about £6 billion.

And Goldman Sachs,

one of the great financial institutions in the world,

they owed a tax bill and they took him out to lunch and he said,

"Well, you don't have to pay any interest on this

"and you don't have to pay the bill for years."

So the big companies get away with a sweetheart deal,

everyone else has to pay up.

And when we're talking about a hole in the budget of £12 billion,

£6 billion is quite a lot.

Well, the overall shortfall they think is about 25 billion.

-25 billion in uncollected tax, yeah.

-So we're laughing then, aren't we?

Surely we just get that back and we're all all right again?

-Yeah, we lend it to Greece.

-Yeah.

Ireland, please.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So that's the deal.

The Public Accounts Committee

finally looked into it after a year and a half of everyone going,

"Perhaps you should have a look."

And those protesters there, they occupied Fortnum's.

-For hours, you couldn't buy a hamper, it was murder.

-Nightmare!

Yes, David Hartnett, the chief executive of the HMRC.

He had 107 dinners

with various companies and their tax lawyers

over two years.

A HMRC spokesman said...

-SLURRED:

-"..it becomes clear that there is no liability at all."

But meanwhile, have you noticed

how the Lib Dems have been flexing their muscles in the news lately?

-Nick Clegg's been rude about the prime minister.

-Yes, he has.

What did he do?

He said Cameron's view of the family is...is...

stuck in the 1950s.

Presumably he means this sort of thing...

Nick Clegg thinks we should be open to more unconventional families

like this one...

Photos like that often accompanied by the words,

"Before turning the gun on himself."

What's the problem with Ed Miliband

-according to Peter Mandelson?

-Too many jokes.

Although I hadn't noticed them myself.

But too much of a light-hearted approach, I think.

-Oh, you missed the joke!

-Did I? What was it?

He was in parliament and he said,

"Clegg and Cameron, you two..."

I have to get this right now.

He said, "You two are like a married couple."

What a messer!

I didn't realise he had such good material.

Why is this person an embarrassment to the Tories?

He's a Tory MP.

It's one of those things

where initially they're saying it was taken out of context.

The original context was the Second World War,

so he might not understand what it means now.

-And he's not the MP.

-He's not, no, he's Mark Fournier.

He was the groom at his own stag night,

but the MP was, erm...

He organised the uniform, though, I presume.

-Yeah, he paid for the costume.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

And it was incredibly embarrassing,

because everyone else had dressed as Tories.

There was, at one point, a toast to the Third Reich

and Aidan Burley's recently apologised.

Do you know what he said?

I thought it was the third rice pudding that was...

-LAUGHTER

-It was as good as the first two.

It'll last for 1,000 years, this rice pudding.

He apologised for...

Apparently Aidan has a bit of form in the fancy dress area...

Where did he get those Timmy Mallett costumes?

Well, that's genuinely offensive, isn't it?

Nazi uniform, yes, but Timmy Mallett!

On the subject of traditional...

Will you not talk when I'm speaking, please.

Those two should be separated.

-Sorry, sir.

-It's not funny or clever.

DAVID BLOWS RASPBERRY

If you do that humming thing. You know that humming thing?

Next time you're doing your link.

SHE HUMS

I knew someone who used to do that at jumble sales.

To get people out the way you go, "Hmm."

Then you'd look round and you'd be in.

On the subject of traditional enemies, what have the French been saying about us?

They said our economy is worse than theirs. Pretty rude.

Britain should be downgraded from triple A to...

whatever the smaller batteries are.

-Fantastically rude all-round.

-The French finance minister said...

TRANSLATION FROM FRENCH:

The papers were quick to rush out a list of insults

the French have thrown at us over the years.

Any idea what the French prime minister Edith Cresson

-said about the English in 1991?

-Frankly, no.

-What did she say?

-She said...

And it's not me.

But that's not an insult. That's fine.

No, that's an underestimate.

But it's a jolly good thing.

I spend my life saying to my children,

"And that's a good thing", whenever the word "gay" comes up.

People say, "Oh, God, that's so gay." "And that's a good thing."

-So there we are, it's a good thing.

-Good old Edith Cresson.

Yeah, hurrah.

Cresson - like croissant! HE SNORTS

And that's a good thing.

Has anybody noticed

that there's been a lot of news this year?

Ian, you might have, in your job.

-These things can be quantified, apparently.

-Oh, really?

According to the BBC News website. They ran this headline...

So that's that, then. This is the, erm...

This is the heart-warming Christmassy news

that the Grinch has avoided paying £25 billion in tax.

An HMRC spokesman rejected the MP's damning report,

saying it was based on...

A bit like my tax return.

Meanwhile, the fallout from David Cameron's European veto continued.

The main stumbling block

remains Cameron's desire to protect the City from...

Surely the compromise would be to introduce it

and then ask the HMRC to try and collect it.

And so, to round two.

The Strengthometer Of News.

What I like to do at this time of year, is to decorate my Newsometer.

That's festive.

And you might like to try this with your Newsometers at home.

Just by dabbing some glue...

Quite easy.

If you have trouble with glue ask your parents to help you.

Put some glitter on it.

And then, look, you blow that

and then all the glitter is just stuck to the glue

so there's no glue showing.

And also, a little sprig of holly.

That can make it look very seasonal too.

You might want to decorate the shaft of your mallet too.

For expediency and for getting on with the show, I won't do that.

So, fingers on buzzers.

Did you put glue on the top because you've got to hit it with that hammer?

-You worry about your job.

-Oh, OK.

Merton.

Fingers on buzzers. Here's the first one.

-Cutbacks - it's Snow White And The Five Dwarfs.

-I think I read this.

-Did you? That's cheating.

-Yeah, I know!

-For your job.

Children have been taking the parts of dwarfs in pantos.

-Have they?

-Is that right?

-Yes.

In Wolverhampton, a production of Snow White,

they've replaced them with child actors because they spend all the money on special effects.

I don't know why that makes me laugh.

And a spokesman for the Wolverhampton Grand explained...

I think the children have to put on dwarf masks, don't they?

But their lines are pre-recorded by adult actors

and played to the theatre on a loop

while the young performers try their best

to match their movements to the sound rec.

What could possibly go wrong? Do you think it'll work?

Yeah. I want to see it televised.

If you're in any doubt, Jonathan Kiley the director of the company behind the production says

it works...

Peter Burroughs who runs a dwarf acting agency said...

I don't suppose you know how the theatre-goers in Wolverhampton have responded to this?

-No. Are they fed up?

-They're not really. One said...

Presumably that depends on what the production is.

On the subject of panto stars,

why have the perennial favourites the Krankies

been causing a stir this week?

Swingers.

-They were swingers.

-No, no, no!

-Yes!

-Yes, yes, yes!

-That's what someone said on the night.

The Sun was very quick to react

to the public's thirst for more information.

Do you know what they did?

They didn't hack the Krankies' phone, did they?

They put out an appeal.

APPLAUSE

According to the Mail,

Janette Krankie had an affair with a circus leopard tamer,

while Ian Krankie carried on with the act's glamorous assistant.

Any ideas how they could tell that this had happened?

She came up in spots?

Talking of celebrities and their private lives,

this is probably the moment to pay a last weekly visit to the Leveson Inquiry.

This week's big gun was Piers Morgan, of course.

Here he is looking serious

on the front page of the Independent.

There's another photo above him

with someone looking like he's enjoying Piers'...

Do you know what Piers Morgan admitted to?

No, I didn't watch it.

It's no interest to me, him being sliced up by a QC

in front of millions of people.

The fact he made a fool of himself, I'm not going to watch that!

All of it.

On a loop for hours.

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah.

About the only thing he admitted to was having heard a voicemail message

from Paul McCartney to Heather Mills,

but he refused to say who played it to him,

or to accept that listening to the message was unethical.

There was a lot of him being showed things he'd said before,

him trying to denying them now.

I'm not saying he made a fool of himself.

But he did.

Are you surprised he had no knowledge of any phone hacking?

It's extraordinary. He did what we call The Full Murdoch.

No, he couldn't remember anything.

Let's take a look at him on this programme back in May 1996

discussing the use of photographers with Clive Anderson.

ANGUS DEATON: The answer is tennis ball.

Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror.

Page five story.

What do you know about newspaper editing?

About as much as you do.

APPLAUSE

-Dear, oh, dear, Clive.

-I know, it's not fair.

Because the Mirror now is almost as good as The Sun.

The last time I was rude to you, you sent photographers round to my doorstep the next day,

-so I'm not doing that again.

-You won't see them this time.

He is charming, isn't he(!)

-It's quite chilling, isn't it?

-Which one was me?

APPLAUSE

Funny how you forget things.

It is, yeah. This is the pantomime

which has disappointed the residents of Wolverhampton -

which takes some doing.

In other panto publicity,

The Krankies revealed their swinging past.

The Sun concluded their article by asking readers...

And gave them a phone number to call,

not the news desk, just a helpline.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry

heard from former Mirror editor Piers Morgan

who said that he'd heard a voicemail in which...

To which, presumably, she responded by ringing his answer machine

and singing the Dire Straits classic, Money For Nothing.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

-BUZZER

-They've discovered that

not only has Francis Bacon written all Shakespeare's plays,

but he's also played left-back for the England team.

No idea.

This is news that football was so dangers in Tudor times

it had to be banned.

Is that news? Well, it's about 400 years old, isn't it?

-It's just emerged!

-Just emerged?!

-News just in!

-It's breaking.

Do you know how many people in England

died playing football between 1500 and 1575?

Yeah, 804.

A bit lower.

-IN A LOW VOICE

-804.

804.

-Seven.

-Seven?!

-I can take directions.

-Seven?!

-They've just emerged from the Black Death

when a third of Europe died

and they're worrying about football?!

That's when an away leg WAS an away leg - when you had to go to Europe.

It's political correctness gone mad.

It may not sound a lot, but according to the Telegraph...

The Mail reports...

Which led to the well-known phrase, "He never touched him, ref."

There's a tie for the third place

in the list of the most dangerous Tudor activities.

Any ideas what that might...

Marrying Henry VIII.

That was pretty dangerous.

No, according to the Times, the third most dangerous activities were...

John Langbern of Allerston had a particularly eventful game in 1523. Do you know what happened?

-Yeah, 1523. Let's see...

-Come on.

Was that the one where his studs were not quite long enough.

-He broke a metatarsal and was out for two and a half weeks.

-Yeah, that's it.

The coroner's record states that...

And these aren't the earliest records of death by football.

Do you know of any others?

Is it inside the pyramids?

Is there a wall fresco depicting a death by football?

Was Stonehenge a football pitch with 16 different goals?

-Exactly.

-The Roman politician and lawyer Cicero

describes the case of a man who was killed...

-It's amazing.

-Isn't it?

Can anybody guess what happened to Alexander Godby in 1542

as he sat on a churchyard wall

watching archers shooting at targets next to the wall?

Go on.

He got hit by a football?

John Fryssby, of course, then gave up archery.

LAUGHTER

I'll leave that one.

This is the news

that football used to be a violent game played by thugs.

Between 1500 and 1575,

seven men were killed in matches between English villages.

According to the Mail, one man...

His assailant was sent off,

leaving his side to hang on to a 1-0 lead, with only 136 men.

According to the Times, it was a man's game in those days.

If a free kick was given,

the defending town would literally make a wall.

An academy at Southampton University

has uncovered evidence that Henry VIII was a keen footballer,

very much the Ryan Giggs of his day

in that he slept with his brother's wife.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is it a Virgin system

where this computer system's very, very strict

about what it considers rude words.

So it's about simple, ordinary words

which don't really cause much fuss

being censored by this computer thing.

-Is that right? Something like that?

-It's something just like that, yes.

-Is it?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Have you got any other amusing examples?

-Yes, do you know, I think I can find some.

-Yeah.

-Is Scunthorpe in there by any chance?

-Wait for it.

-There's an order to these things.

-Is there?

Yes, the film Hancock was listed as this...

Never Mind The Buzzcocks became this...

And slightly surprisingly,

the Golden Age Of Canals was changed to...

Which football club was asterisked in an unfortunate way?

-West Bromwich Albion.

-Was it Scunthorpe?

-DAVID:

-Arsenal?

Arsenal, which became...

APPLAUSE

AOL once banned people from...

And...

And...

Might take a little while over that one.

Ah, yes.

Wait!

Wait!

Yeah!

And do you know how the American Family Association

upset 100-metre sprinter Tyson Gay recently,

according to the Metro?

Did they call him Tyson Unnatural Act, or something?

No, they just decided that the word "gay"

should be replaced by "homosexual".

Which led to this headline being published...

Which means, at the end of this round

it's Ian and Rebecca with three,

-and Paul and David with three.

-Oh, good.

-How exciting.

You are covered in glitter now. It's going to be all over your face.

In fact, it is, it's all over your chin.

-That'll be there for weeks now, won't it?

-Yes.

That's the nature of glitter.

The herpes of craft supplies.

It's time now

for the Odd One Out round.

-Ooh.

-And the four are

George Osborne,

the Littlewoods Christmas TV advert,

Mario Balotelli,

and the Grinch.

BELL RINGS

They also stole Christmas...

except one of them.

The Grinch stole Christmas, we know that, and Balotelli,

I think, was there not a rumour of him giving away money.

He gives money to people in the street.

Well, the Littlewoods TV ad this year has got in trouble

-because they mentioned that Santa doesn't exist.

-Oh!

They've all tried to ruin Christmas, is that it?

-Apart from...

-Apart from Balotelli,

who tried to make everyone's Christmas...

By giving away money.

You're absolutely right. Mario Balotelli was the odd one out.

APPLAUSE

Mario Balotelli has been reportedly getting into the Christmas spirit

by putting on a blue Santa hat and driving around Manchester

handing out gifts and money at random.

Any idea what sort of things he was handing out?

-Gifts and money at random.

-Gifts and money.

Want to define that at all?

Oh, was it gold, frankincense, myrrh?

According to the Daily Star,

he was giving out wads of cash up to £500

and somebody called House Party tweeted...

Do you know how his boss, Ian - here's one for you -

his boss Roberto Mancini reacted when he was asked about the story?

He was pleased.

He said...

This is the same guy that nearly burned his house down

by letting a firework off from his bathroom window

and came back from a trip to buy cleaning stuff for his mother...

Roberto is less than pleased with Mario at the moment.

He may fine him £150,000. Do you know why?

-Oh... Oh, he... Oh, no, no, that's the other one.

-The other one?!

Are there only two footballers?

There was me thinking there were hundreds I had to learn.

"Had to learn"!

When did you start this process of learning all about professional footballers?

About ten years ago and I've got nowhere.

-They keep changing, don't they?

-They do, there's always someone else.

What he did, Ian - add this to your learning -

was that he broke the 48-hour pre-match curfew

to go out for a curry, where...

-He's great, isn't he?

-He sounds terrific.

I think he sounds absolutely first-rate.

He's had quite an eventful time since he's been a UK resident.

In 2010, just days after joining Manchester City,

Balotelli crashed his car.

According to the Mirror,

when police asked him why he had £5,000 in his back pocket,

he told them...

And a few weeks later, while sidelined by a knee injury,

Balotelli and his brother were questioned by Italian police...

Reportedly...

George Osborne did spoil Christmas recently,

for many of his Cheshire constituents. What happened?

-We don't really have George Osborne in Ireland.

-No.

Well, what happened was...

Is that what a hunk looks like these days? Yeah, I know.

They're getting smaller, aren't they?

Unfortunately that was just a rumour,

and George Osborne turned up and turned them on instead.

Who else has ruined Christmas for someone this week?

-There's no way of you knowing.

-No.

Take us back to 1542.

We were happier then, when there was just two TV channels.

It is this FedEx delivery man dropping a computer off to somebody.

Yes, they've all been accused of ruining Christmas

apart from Mario Balotelli.

Mario Balotelli dressed up as Santa

and dished out handfuls of £20 notes to people in Manchester.

It's the most cash given away in football circles

since Qatar won the right to host the World Cup.

It had been rumoured that Knutsford's Christmas lights

were to be turned on by Harry from One Direction,

but George Osborne turned up instead.

It could be argued that the chancellor is a better choice

to turn on his constituency's lights.

Mind you, it could also be argued that Harry from One Direction

is a better choice to run the economy.

So, it's time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

The one part of the press that's proud to be in the gutter.

We start with...

Fear and loathing?

Horoscope and free sample.

Number one and number two.

-GUFFAWING

-It might be.

-Shower and access to counselling.

-Yeah.

Welcoming guests to the buffet, the organiser got things off to an uncertain start

by informing them there was no formal seating,

but people could help themselves to a stool.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Next...

Panic spreads.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE GROANS

I don't care what you think.

Bitter...butter batter.

You're just saying bitter-butter-batter.

Sepp Blatter bitter.

Yeah.

-I'm going to tell you.

-Go on then.

The Telegraph reported...

If you're watching in Ethiopia, I can only apologise.

Next...

Oh, it's throwing poo.

They penguins got jealous at Glasgow Zoo

of all the attention the pandas were getting,

so they started hurling droppings at the crowd.

The spooky thing is they weren't penguin droppings.

Penguins droppings would surely be quite liquidy.

It would be quite hard to hurl, wouldn't it?

Is it not like bird poo?

Haven't really got hands either, have they?

That's true! This story doesn't hold together at all.

Sounds very fishy.

-DAVID:

-Penguins are...

Penguins are famously jealous of other monochrome animals.

This is at Edinburgh Zoo,

where the penguins keep jumping onto a wall

and pooing on the panda visitors below.

It not only annoys the visitors,

but also David Attenborough's film crew

who'd been told they were in the Antarctic.

Next...

Ireland.

Santa-Nav. Satnav. Santa Christmas. Father Christmas. Santa Claus.

-Santa-Nav.

-Yes!

-Santa Claus.

-Yes.

Visits by Santa and his helpers to Welsh schools have been cancelled

because he may not have been CRB checked.

So it'll be a miserable Christmas for school children in Wales -

as usual.

Next...

You may think his name is a bit repetitive.

Oh, Simon Mann.

Former mercenary Simon Mann has enraged the Clan MacGregor

by insulting their late chief in his memoirs.

Simon Mann describes Sir Gregor MacGregor of MacGregor as...

Not to be confused with Rebekah Brooks.

Next...

Waste Disposal Unit - two. Score - draw.

An interesting film, but in the end it didn't really work.

Is it a robot that goes inside sewage pipes?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You wouldn't get a robot to do that.

They're very bright. They'd only do it once.

"I'm not going in there again, it stinks."

I know how it feels.

This is from Water Sewerage And Waste magazine,

which has announced the location of the next exhibition as Birmingham,

which is described as...

APPLAUSE

A bit of a blow for Middlesbrough, then.

So, on that, the final scores are

Ian and Rebecca have a massive eight,

whilst Paul and David have a rather silly four.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

DAVID: After criticism of Frozen Planet,

Attenborough has music for new series recorded on location.

Is one elephant saying to the other,

"Hang on, he's playing my brother's teeth!"

Next...

LAUGHTER

What time do The Krankies get here?

And I leave you with news that in North Yorkshire

there is a poor turnout

for the cast reunion party for Last Of The Summer Wine.

In central London, after an alarmingly high reading,

one patient is advised to retake the test with a male nurse.

In Kensington Park, after a spate of dog fouling

local residents are called in

to identify whether it's their dogs that are responsible.

At a G20 summit in Washington the Obamas and President Medvedev

welcomed Nicolas Sarkozy to the podium.

And midway through a conference,

George Osborne suddenly has the idea of charging tax on funerals.

And there's tragedy for Santa's little helpers

after his loop-the-loop sleigh manoeuvre goes horribly wrong.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Erm, my father is an older man and he takes me out for lunch sometimes.

And you know in restaurants,

-you get handed this thing at the end for the credit card?

-M-hmm.

My father has this joke that he loves doing,

where, when they hand this over, or bring it to the table,

he just looks at it for a second and he just goes, "Hello."