Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week,

in China, responding to international pressure,

Apple grudgingly allow their iPad factory workers out

for a five-minute tea break.

On the Costa del Sol,

as an East End gang burst into a bank with sawn-off shotguns,

the safe cracker realises that he's overslept.

And in Westminster, Eric Pickles

finally gets round to cleaning the fluff out of his belly button.

It's delicious on toast.

With Ian tonight is a writer and broadcaster, who says

she hates people who are chronically pedantic over punctuation.

Hang on, on Ian's team, comma,

please welcome Grace Dent.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the son of a vicar

who studied divinity at university,

plays a Church of England lay reader in the sitcom Rev,

and is odds on to become the new Archbishop of Canterbury,

Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Grace take a look at this.

-Tax return.

-Never a welcome sight.

"No tax due."

That's one of Downing Street's kitchen suppers.

Oh, look, here's George Osborne.

He's not had a good time recently.

He's just spotted some tax someone's paid.

Very, very small.

Essentially, Osborne was incredibly amazed to find a lot of rich people

and rich companies don't pay any tax.

It was a discovery right up there with gravity and DNA.

Can you name another tax dodge the Government are trying to stamp out?

Yeah, I mean, I think Osborne was trying, but this is the problem

at the moment, it's all incompetence.

He was trying to stop rich people avoiding tax,

but he ended up stopping them giving away money to charity.

Yes, currently you can claim tax relief on every penny

you give to charity, but according to David Cameron...

Like Eton, for example.

APPLAUSE

This is the worst thing he could have possibly done

cos it just makes him look even more like the Child Catcher

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

This is the shock news that many people try to avoid paying tax.

My favourite is one senior Tory Party donor

spent a night in a private jet, flying from Luton Airport

out of British airspace to avoid staying in the country

for more than 90 days,

thus qualifying as a resident abroad for tax purposes.

In a plane?

-In a plane.

-Brilliant.

Could he not just get in a hot air balloon and tether that

about three feet off the ground?

You've got to leave the airspace.

Oh, you've got to leave the airspace.

So, you can't just jump up and down.

Are you sure about that?

What do you think Philip Green's doing?

Yeah, I know what he's doing, but I don't think it's that... Anyway.

London Luton is so far away from London

that it's actually in international airspace?

He flew from Luton out of British airspace.

If you touch down anywhere they might get you for tax.

Oh, I see.

So, it's more enjoyable, as a rich person, to go nowhere.

Sit in an aeroplane thinking, "I'm saving money."

-Yeah.

-They're a miserable bunch.

Yes, this story appeared on The Mail Online website.

But did you read what Eric Swindon,

sorry, that's Eric, comma, Swindon, Grace, had to say about this?

He said...

Seems like a nice chap.

So, when it comes to tax, what does every politician really want?

To be able to declare their own tax affairs and make them public.

-Transparency?

-Exactly.

And what do they mean by transparency in this case?

We're not going to do it.

They mean revealing a very small amount of information

that doesn't tell you too much.

So, you just put your income in, and if income isn't your big thing,

if, say, assets, say you're in the cabinet...

just thinking randomly, then you don't have to declare those.

So, you know, transparency up to a point, which is opaque!

Makes a lot of sense, yes.

Yes, according to the Guardian...

Let's hope they don't mean Eric Pickles.

Yuck.

According to the Express...

According to the Telegraph George Osborne says he hasn't...

Which face does he use when he sets his face against it?

Does he use this face?

Or this face?

Or this face?

So, why is it all kicking off now, what started this rumpus?

It's Ken Livingstone.

That's right.

It was discovered that Ken had said that people who avoid tax

are rich bastards who shouldn't be allowed to vote.

And then it turned out he pays a lot of his earnings into a company,

and pays not tax at 40%, but corporate tax at 21%.

And a lot of people irresponsibly thought, "He's avoiding tax,

"what a bastard."

Then there was a fight between him and Boris.

In a radio station. In a lift!

What did he call him though? Did he call him a lying wanker?

No, I'm afraid it was the F-word.

-BLEEP

-lying wanker?

Sorry.

I'm not helping here, am I?

That happens to be one of our finest banks.

You're very close.

Boris screamed into Ken's face...

Presumably a phrase Boris picked up from his wife.

How's Ken's election campaign going?

Well, he was shown a film of himself this week,

and he was absolutely moved to tears by the image of himself.

Just people talking about how wonderful he was.

He had a little cry. But not just a little cry, a proper cry.

Oh.

It's like a cartoon bear cry.

He's saying, "I don't believe YOU'RE leader of the Labour Party!"

It'd be interesting to know what Miliband is smelling

at that particular moment!

I met Ken just before Christmas, I was doing a panel with him,

and as part of that panel I was given, someone gave me a gift

of a copy of the Koran.

And afterwards I went into the Green Room,

and Ken was sitting on the arm of a sofa,

and I was carrying the Koran and a biro.

And he looked up at me, and I said, as a joke,

"Would you sign it for me, Ken?"

And he went, "Yeah, all right." And he took it from me and signed it.

So I now have quite an inflammatory piece of literature

in some people's eyes.

APPLAUSE

Which trendy, ultra touchy-feely companies have been avoiding tax?

Amazon, who've made £7 billion and paid no corporate sales tax.

That's perfectly reasonable, that's a tax rate of 0%.

They've made billions of pounds and they pay no tax,

what's your problem?

There's a difference between avoidance and evasion though.

You would evade...

I would not!

I might evade.

I'm not Ken Livingstone, you know!

Then there's also that thing that people like Mick Jagger

and Ringo Starr and Bob Geldof have done

where you get your property and then you put it into a company abroad

and then if you've got something that's worth 50 billion

you don't pay any tax on it.

-Are you suggesting what they're doing is wrong?

-I think that...

-Bob Geldof?

-I think that's wrong. Is that not wrong?

You pronounce him like he's a character in Lord Of The Rings.

Bob Gel-dorf.

I don't think any of these people are suspected of any wrongdoing.

Yes, Amazon is under investigation by UK tax authorities

for registering its UK sales operation in Luxembourg,

claiming only its distribution arm is in the UK.

In 2010 they would have paid £35 million in UK tax,

but they managed to reduce that slightly to... nothing.

Google are using a Dutch Sandwich,

ever tried a Dutch Sandwich, Ian?

Um...

Google's UK operation is based in Ireland,

where the rate of tax is half that of Britain.

They then funnel the profits via the Netherlands to Bermuda,

which enables them to pay a tax rate of a quarter of 1%.

Blimey.

If you Google "tax",

does it give you nothing?

Probably not.

Right, moving from a tax on the rich and privileged

to attacks on the rich and privileged. See what I did there?

Can you think of any attacks on the rich and privileged recently?

Anyone swimming.

Trenton. Trenton?

-Trenton.

-Trenton Oldfield swam into the middle of the Thames

and stopped the boat race.

He was doing things like encouraging anarchist cleaners

to not put toilet roll in the toilets of rich people.

They'd just wipe their bums with poor people then.

Not really achieving any aims, is it?

Someone posted this on YouTube of Trenton in action.

Trenton? Trenton!

Trenton! TRENTON.

TRENTON! TRENTO-ON!

Right, Trenton!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE

The crowd were angry. According to The Mail they shouted...

And most devastatingly of all...

Let's not forget, while we are arguing the toss over income tax,

the Greek economy could drag us all down.

Here's Jeremy Paxman using his scalpel-like analysis

on the former Greek finance minister.

Joining us now from Athens is Giorgos Papakanstu-konstu-konstantino

who, until the middle of last year, was Greece's Finance Minister,

now he is Minister for the Environment.

Also with us is the former Conservative Cabinet minister

John Redwood.

Mr Papakonstinton-konstin-konstantinou.

Forgive me, I'm so sorry!

This is the row over tax avoidance by the rich,

or as they're known since the budget, the richer.

According to a recent poll...

The other 40% don't follow current affairs.

Adding to the heartbreak of the rich this week

was Trenton Oldfield who disrupted the boat race.

Although, to be fair,

it's not the first sighting of a turd in the Thames.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Yes, this was the 158th boat race, shown live on the BBC.

According to the Sun...

And then a bloke appeared in the water to liven things up.

Paul and Miles, some recent history for you.

This is the pasty-gate story, there's David Cameron there

and it's the Sunday Times filming this bloke Cruddas...

Oh, there's jerry cans, fill them up with petrol,

if you haven't got one, keep it in your mouth.

Francis Maude giving out ridiculous advice

that people should store petrol in their sheds,

garages or second houses.

Just absolute nightmare situation, where people are doing this,

it's very dangerous.

So this is the thing about, if you can't store it in your garage,

store it in a pasty, at least you know where it is.

As long as you don't heat it up, you won't pay 20% tax,

or, indeed, blow your house up.

So, it's pasties and petrol, but I'm never quite sure which is which.

Yes, this is a look back at recent Government gaffes,

involving the price of pasties, the panic buying of petrol,

and the total pillock, Peter Cruddas.

How did George Osborne turn a pasty into a hot potato?

Well, it's some sort of rule now, so, if you buy your pasty cold

it costs so much money, but if it's heated up you pay 20% extra,

because it's now become an ambient pasty,

it's become more than room temperature.

Paul's not only right, but I think if you queue for the pasty

while it's being warmed up and then it goes cold again,

it does this, the graph of what you have to pay.

So, at the beginning of the queue it's 20% up,

but if it gets cold again, it's a cold pasty, so it's 20% down.

So, if you buy a pasty that's hot and you take it home and it's cold,

you're owed a rebate.

Yes, it's a terrifically well thought out piece of legislation.

After accusations the Government was out-of-touch

with ordinary people's love of pasties,

what was David Cameron quick to announce?

He said, "I had a pasty recently."

And he said he'd eaten this in Leeds, and it's been proved

Leeds disappeared about five years ago, so it's no longer there.

Leeds no longer exists, yes.

They go relegated from the Premiership and the actual area

was taken down. Dismantled.

Yes, that's right.

It's real acting talent, isn't it, for all those people?

Cos Ed Miliband immediately went with Ed Balls to Greggs,

and they both ate a pie,

and the Tory cabinet had to all go to Greggs, "What is this?"

"Have you seen the size of these volauvents? They're huge!

"What is this?

"Is somebody in there? Hello?"

It's good advertising for Greggs, though, isn't it?

Because if they get VAT added to their products,

that's about the only chance of having any kind of luxury label.

Do you eat pasties, Ian?

No, you see, I commute,

and I was very keen that the tax on pasties

should go up to £1 million.

Cos the train I get is full of blokes who've had too much to drink

getting a pasty, hoping it's going to soak it all up,

they shove it in their face.

And I'm sitting there trying to do the crossword.

20 minutes into the journey, nothing.

Sometimes I just fill in anything,

to make people opposite me think I can do it. Just.

That's quite a sad life you conjure up there, Ian.

These pasty-chomping, beer-soaked individuals,

you're trying to impress by doing the crossword.

There's issues of self-esteem here, I think.

Very sad.

Is it in first class that people sit opposite you eating pasties?

No, it's not first class, no, it's ordinary.

-You travel in standard?

-Yeah.

Don't you feel threatened?

He's got his own train!

APPLAUSE

Yes, David Cameron said he loved a hot pasty,

and had indeed recently bought one

from the West Cornwall Pasty Company,

he went on to tell this highly amusing anecdote.

I seem to remember I was in Leeds Station at the time,

the choice was whether to have one of their small ones or their large ones,

I've got a feeling I opted for the large one and very good it was too.

"Very good it was too!"

I think he was talking about the pasties there,

not Leeds Station's wide variety of prostitutes.

So was that an end?

Sorry, what did you say then?

I didn't say anything.

Oh, OK, fine. You were miming to a backing tape.

I was out of British airspace at that time.

Was that an end to the matter?

-Probably not.

-Everyone jumped on the bandwagon.

A spokesman announced that Nick Clegg...

How big was it, if it's taken him a few months to eat it?

He was waiting for Ian to turn up with the crossword.

Ed Davey, the Liberal Democrat Energy Secretary, pointed out...

Now he works in an even bigger one!

And just as everything was beginning to die down,

Housing Minister Grant Shapps did his party no favours

in this interview on The Andrew Marr Show

where, despite being asked completely unrelated questions,

he seemed a man obsessed with shoehorning

pasties into the interview.

Isn't there a risk people are thinking either,

"This is an incompetent government."

Or, "This is a government not all in it together

"and that's supporting the rich?"

We can spend an interview like this talking about pasties and whether they're hot or cold...

What's worse, to be accused of incompetence

or to be accused of being a party of the rich?

These are the really big issues, the VAT, the deficit reduction,

the things which are going to change this country radically

like Michael Gove's education reforms.

Those are the things that matter.

Of course we can talk about pasties and who knows who for how long.

Opinion polls suggest that you're a party of chums.

This is a government that understands that what you need to do

is govern for everyone and, again, a bit like the pasties...

What's he up to?

We also saw Peter Cruddas, who was the Tory Party co-treasurer.

What was he offering to feed to David Cameron?

-Money.

-Money.

Donors.

You got to have dinner with Cameron if you paid up enough money.

And you could influence Government policy for literally just £250,000.

So, Labour should have put up somebody,

paid £250,000,

go in there, influence Government policy.

Easy, don't have to win an election.

Absolutely!

It was only... £250,000 was just for a kitchen supper.

But, no, what's a kitchen supper at your house?

A kitchen supper is for people you don't want in the dining room.

There you go, see?

Cruddas was secretly filmed offering access to David Cameron

in exchange for large donations to the Tory Party,

and offered to feed their views into the policy unit at Number Ten.

Let's look at a meeting with undercover reporters

from the Sunday Times.

200 grand, 250 is Premier League.

If you're unhappy about something, we'll listen to you,

and we'll put it into the policy committee at Number Ten.

We feed all feedback into the policy committee.

What you can't see is that he's talking to Nick Clegg!

According to the Sunday Times, Peter Cruddas boasted

that he'd flattered one donor, Lord Glendonbrook,

into making a million pound donation, how did he do that?

He said, "Oh, we're going to put you on the bank notes."

It was a pyjama party at Number Ten, £250,000 gets you dinner,

if you pay more, you can stay on for the...entertainment.

They get a bit drunk, there is a bottle of whatever,

they say "Let's play Twister,"

and they go, "I've forgotten my trousers," it is one of those nights.

They go, "It is a bit late, why don't you stay?"

"I haven't got any pyjamas." "It doesn't matter."

"I will put the central heating on."

You wake up in the morning feeling so... Oh, sorry!

When you said pyjama party, I had images

of David Cameron and Lord Glendenbrook brushing their teeth together.

I thought that was quite sweet. It's not - it's bribery.

-Has that been cleared with the lawyer?

-It'll be fine.

Cameron is crooked.

He flattered him into doing it by presenting him

with a birthday card, personally signed by David Cameron.

When the undercover reporters asked what tactics

he had used to persuade the Prime Minister to make the gesture, he replied...

The spotlight soon fell on other donors.

How did Francis Maude deftly manage to distract

attention from the damage being done by pasties and Peter Cruddas?

Put petrol in your bath!

Drink as much of it as you can, keep it in your hat.

Is there a spare pram in the hallway the children are growing out of,

cover it in petrol, and push it outside on a hot sunny day,

with magnified glass above it.

Make your children wear paper clothes. All that sort of stuff.

He suggested that...

Instead of rushing to the garage to panic buy petrol,

thousands rushed to Halfords to panic buy jerry cans,

sales of which went up 500%.

One motorist summed up the situation.

Having given his verdict on the utter stupidity of panic buying petrol, he added...

George Galloway won an ultra-safe Labour seat in what he called the Bradford Spring.

How did he appeal to the voters?

He spoke about things in which they're interested

and about which they feel passionately and they agreed with him.

He went for the Islamic vote and there were a lot of them

and they voted for him and democratically, that means he wins.

Anyone hear what he had to say about politics and bottoms?

I put it down to a tidal wave of alienation, not just in Bradford,

against the Tweedledee Tweedledum politics of the major parties.

If a backside could have three cheeks,

they would be the three cheeks of that backside.

..the Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Tweedledee-and-a-half.

If a backside could have three cheeks,

they are sitting in the House of Commons.

The three main political parties all offer one variety of the same thing.

If a backside could have three cheeks,

they would be the three cheeks of the same backside.

A tidal wave of dissatisfaction, alienation,

derision, even, against the mainstream political parties

who all stand for the same things.

If a backside could have three cheeks, they would be those three cheeks.

A backside with three cheeks would require one massive arsehole.

APPLAUSE

Every night, his PR people would be going,

"The anti-war stuff is working well. People like that, but the thing you say about the bottoms..."

This is the run of scandals, including pasty-gate,

dinner-gate, and the totally unnecessary panic over petrol,

caused by ill-advised comments of Francis Maude...gate.

The Prime Minister was caught telling lies about the last time he ate a pasty.

David Cameron now claims he always has...

David, that's a beef Wellington!

David Cameron claimed to have had a pasty in a Yorkshire pasty shop

that had closed five years earlier,

just after Eric Pickles moved from Yorkshire to London.

As panic-buying continued,

one AA man reported seeing a 75-year-old woman

at a petrol station filling up...

Which sounds mad, but to be fair, it is the only way to store it,

as she didn't have a car.

Time for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are, the First Lady of Syria, Asma Al-Assad,

Anthony Worrall Thompson, a passenger aboard a private jet

at Luton Airport, and online shopper, Mr Chiu.

Is this about shopping?

She does a lot of online shopping, so you can see the things that

she's been treating herself to while thousands are being killed.

It would get you down.

You'd need to go and buy a chandelier.

Anthony Worrall Thompson shops with the five-fingered discount.

-What does that mean?

-Nicking stuff.

Different worlds, isn't it, me and you?

Who is the guy...? Is he buying things?

He's an online shopper, that's the clue.

He's shopping online, I reckon.

It's like watching Sherlock Holmes at his finest.

Teasing out the truth from a slender strand of clue.

They are all candidates to become the next director general.

-What, including Luton Airport?

-Yeah.

-Is it tax?

-It is to do with paying.

-He doesn't pay. She hasn't paid any of her bills?

-Not quite.

We don't know!

We could add to the general air of gloom and despondency

by saying we don't know either.

Good. They have all avoided paying the full amount,

apart from an online shopper, named Mr Chiu, who paid a total

of 12 million Taiwanese dollars to buy a croissant over the Internet.

How did he do that?

He pressed the button that said,

"do you want to pay millions for this croissant, yes or no?"

And he pressed the yes button.

-It's probably only 25p.

-It translates as £250,000?

Dinner with David Cameron.

It wasn't a Nigerian writing to him

saying "Would you like one of our fine croissants?"

"You have inherited a croissant."

"Just pay us £250,000 and you can have this Nigerian croissant."

-"Wow! I'd like that!"

-"Your uncle, Greggs the Baker has died."

He kept paying over and over again,

after a number of phone calls asking for repayments from these scoundrels,

before his bank details were used to fleece him out of cash.

He ended up paying £250,000.

He couldn't have paid £250,000. He couldn't have done.

-Where would he get it from?

-He's obviously a very rich man.

How can anybody that stupid, unless he has inherited it...

"I've £250,000, I ain't half hungry, I'll have one of them."

The fact is, he never received his croissant.

It just gets worse and worse.

What was Asma Al-Assad trying to avoid paying the full price for?

A croissant, 250 grand? I know where you can get it for half that.

It was a Ming vase, costing £3,047.50.

According to the Guardian, she sent details of the vase

to the family's London-based fixer, Soulieman Marouf.

He responded saying...

Still, 15%, eh?

Anthony Worrall Thompson was caught shoplifting from Tesco's.

According to the Daily Mail, it was...

The toughest set of ingredients on Ready Steady Cook.

He also took wine and cheese. How did the Sun's headline writers respond?

Ready, steady, crook! I could have been a journalist.

-You could have been.

-There's still time.

Any more wine-and-cheesed-based punnery?

Look what this bastard's stolen.

They went for...

We have talked about the passengers aboard the jet at Luton Airport,

an unnamed Tony donor!

-Tony donor?!

-Tony Donor, I know him, Tony.

The passenger who was an unnamed Tory donor,

who frequently caught a helicopter to Luton Airport before zooming

out of UK airspace in a private jet to avoid paying his full share of tax.

Asma Al-Assad's parents were originally from Homs,

the house they lived in is now commemorated with a large crater.

Asma Al-Assad used to be an investment banker,

one of the very few bankers to move on to something even more evil.

Paul and Miles, here's yours.

Harry Redknapp, Elisabeth Murdoch, Rebekah Brookes and Ned Kelly.

Are these all candidates to be Arch Bishop of Canterbury?

-Ned Kelly, what do we know about Ned Kelly?

-Um...

-His body was discovered last year.

-Was it? Ah.

-In a mass grave.

-Not his head.

-How did they know it was him, then?

I don't know how they knew it was him. I think they were experts.

-Oh, right, yeah.

-I mean, that isn't something that's been...

-None of the others have been found in unmarked graves.

-No.

It can't be that, can it? That would have been extraordinary.

-It's something to do with a particular type of animal.

-Dog.

Oh, it's a horse, it's a horse. Rebekah Brooks had a horse

that was lent to her by the Metropolitan Police.

-Is it a horse?

-It is a horse.

-Right, OK. Um...

Harry Readnopp... Harry Readnopp?

-They're a popular big combo.

-Right.

Well, he was involved in a case about avoiding tax.

And he'd set up an offshore account in the name of his dog.

-Is that right?

-That is right.

-And the jury found him innocent.

-They did.

-Rightly.

They've all been arrested, apart from Elisabeth Murdoch.

Yes, if you throw in the horse bit of that, between you, you have the right answer.

They've all been arrested for horse-related crimes.

Apart from one of them, who hasn't.

And did he steal...?

He was a horse thief, she lent a horse

and he opened an account in the name of a dog.

-So the odd one out is?

-Is...

-Elisabeth.

-Elisabeth Murdoch.

Is the correct answer. She is the odd one out.

They've all been accused of receiving a horse improperly.

Oh, of course(!)

What's the proper way to receive a horse?

Apart from Elisabeth Murdoch who had her horse improperly taken away.

-Anyone know by whom?

-By her father.

-Yes.

Elisabeth Murdoch revealed in an interview with Tatler Magazine

that as a young girl, she had a favourite pony

and one day she went to nuzzle it only to find the animal had vanished.

She then asked her father where it was and he said...

GRUFF AUSTRALIAN ACCENT

That's how she talks.

How many News of the World readers have got accommodation for a pony?

But he's been more generous to her since.

-Yes, he bought her television company.

-For?

-A lot.

£129 million.

Fortunately, the flurry of revelations

-about the scandalous behaviour at News International has died down now, hasn't it, Ian?

-No.

-Oh.

There have been some people who say they've been hacked in America,

which means the whole thing will start up again

and the Americans are very, very cross about that sort of thing.

-There was a whole file leaked on the internet, wasn't there?

-Yeah.

-That absolutely nobody will talk about.

-What's it about?

-I can't talk about it.

-Can you not?

-No. Well, I could.

Could you explain some element to the story in some sort of charade form?

It's just the same old... same old, same old.

People doing things that they're not meant to do and hassling celebrities.

-I see.

-It'll come out. It'll come out at some point.

GRACE LAUGHS

Harry Redknapp received a horse from football agent Willie McKay -

a gift that was investigated as part of the Stevens inquiry into corruption in football.

How did Harry try and argue that the horse wasn't a bung?

He said he didn't have a head for figures,

it was a gift from a friend.

The friend had put it in an offshore account in the name of his dog.

What could be more innocent than that?

Did he say it was a present for his child or something?

He said it wasn't a bung because it was a useless horse.

He told the inquiry it was possible he owned the horse,

he did admit to that. Can anyone...? We've already talked about...

Well... Er... Oh.

Rebekah Brooks, when editor of The Sun in 2008,

was apparently lent a horse by the Metropolitan Police.

It was actually at a restaurant.

She was offered a horse at a restaurant.

I'm presuming a French restaurant.

The horse, who was called Razor, who rode her?

-The Prime Minister rode the horse.

-Yes, David Cameron rode her.

-Here he is admitting that he did in fact ride the horse.

-Oh, right.

Yes, I did go riding with him, he has a number of different horses,

and, yes, one of them was this former police horse Razor,

which I did ride.

I'm very sorry to hear that Razor is no longer with us

and I think I'll probably conclude by saying

I don't think I'll be getting back into the saddle any time soon.

Another good anecdote there from Dave.

-Ned Kelly was an Australian outlaw.

-Yeah. He was.

-In 1871,

he was sentenced to thee years hard labour

for improperly receiving a stolen horse.

Anyone know the name of Ned Kelly's first victim?

A clue is he was a Chinese trader. His name was...

Coincidentally.

Were they also his dying words?

They have all been accused of receiving a horse improperly,

apart from Elisabeth Murdoch, who had her horse improperly taken away.

After initially denying it, David Cameron admitted riding horses

belonging to Rebekah and Charlie Brooks, saying...

Just to be clear, Nick Clegg never rode the horse.

He was too busy mucking out the stables.

Harry Redknapp was unknowingly given a horse by his agent.

He was also unknowingly given a pony and several monkeys.

Harry Redknapp's horse looks good, runs well for most of the race

then inexplicably fades and finishes behind Arsenal.

Mick Jagger played the title role

in the movie of Ned Kelly's short but turbulent life.

Born in 1854, Mick is still touring.

Time now for the missing words round, which, this week,

features as its guest publication Raisin' Views -

the voice of the raisin industry.

I am a regular subscriber,

as indeed are all of its subscribers.

And we start with...

Tom Jones?

MILES: A state of indecision.

The answer is...

This is one of the many unusual calls

revealed by the Leicester Fire Brigade,

which also included a man who got his toe stuck in a bath tap after his wife said...

Sadly, she was stuck in a wardrobe at the time so he didn't hear her.

Next...

I tell callers I'm lusty Lolita with the sexual desire of a panther

but I'm actually John Major who used to be Prime Minister of this country.

Is pretty much the right answer, yes.

This is 55-year-old sex line worker Maureen Gardner.

Here she is on the phone using her one good ear,

after the accident she had last time someone phoned her up while she was doing the ironing.

Next...

I know this one.

-They're actually highly intelligent.

-Is absolutely the correct answer.

A Swedish study has found that footballers are more intelligent than previously thought.

As if to prove it, here's Burnley defender Clarke Carlisle appearing on Countdown.

Somewhat less impressive

when you realise the word he came up with was "go".

Next...

-And...

-MILES: Immediately apologises.

-Yes.

Cabbie sneezes and takes wrong turn into canal.

Is almost the right answer.

This is a taxi driver, Mati Levy, who sneezed whilst driving

and careered into a 15th century monument.

The monument, in Cheddar, is now cordoned off,

leaving heartbroken residents with nothing to piss against on their way home from the pub.

Next...

In all honesty,

there's no chance we're ever going to get this, are we?

Even showing it to us is an insult, really.

Well, I think you'll kick yourself

when you find out what the answer is.

-Raisins, raisins and more raisins.

-Is the right answer.

-Whey!

-APPLAUSE

-Pretty much, pretty much.

One speaker at the seminar

was a member of the National Dried Fruit Trade Association.

Well, that's dried fruit for you.

And finally...

Take your tights off.

No, DO take your tights off.

Don't keep your tights on!

Don't use raisins as a contraceptive. They fall out.

Well, the answer is...

This is the news that the Edinburgh Zoo pandas are more prone to slap than tickle.

Here is another panda, this time in the USA,

behaving in an upsetting manner.

CHILDREN: Purple panda!

-Oh, is he coming?

-Purple panda!

There he is, look.

Here's a panda. Hello, panda.

CHILDREN WAIL

He's just pre... Wait.

CHILDREN CONTINUE TO WAIL

Aren't children stupid?

So the final scores are...

Paul and Miles have seven points,

but the winners this week are Ian and Grace with eight.

Yes.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

-AS BORIS:

-Would you live in the Greater London area?

And I'll leave you with the news that with the race to be Mayor of London hotting up,

one of the candidates resorts to a Vladimir Putin style of campaigning.

As Alan Titchmarsh's latest novel is turned into a movie,

filming begins on the romantic love scene.

And at a park in Barnsley, Prince Charles attends the unveiling of a statue

commemorating Britain's finest prostate doctor.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd