Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 1

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Stephen Mangan.

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In the news this week,

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in China, responding to international pressure,

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Apple grudgingly allow their iPad factory workers out

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for a five-minute tea break.

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On the Costa del Sol,

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as an East End gang burst into a bank with sawn-off shotguns,

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the safe cracker realises that he's overslept.

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And in Westminster, Eric Pickles

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finally gets round to cleaning the fluff out of his belly button.

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It's delicious on toast.

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With Ian tonight is a writer and broadcaster, who says

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she hates people who are chronically pedantic over punctuation.

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Hang on, on Ian's team, comma,

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please welcome Grace Dent.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is the son of a vicar

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who studied divinity at university,

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plays a Church of England lay reader in the sitcom Rev,

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and is odds on to become the new Archbishop of Canterbury,

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Miles Jupp.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Grace take a look at this.

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-Tax return.

-Never a welcome sight.

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"No tax due."

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That's one of Downing Street's kitchen suppers.

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Oh, look, here's George Osborne.

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He's not had a good time recently.

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He's just spotted some tax someone's paid.

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Very, very small.

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Essentially, Osborne was incredibly amazed to find a lot of rich people

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and rich companies don't pay any tax.

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It was a discovery right up there with gravity and DNA.

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Can you name another tax dodge the Government are trying to stamp out?

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Yeah, I mean, I think Osborne was trying, but this is the problem

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at the moment, it's all incompetence.

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He was trying to stop rich people avoiding tax,

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but he ended up stopping them giving away money to charity.

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Yes, currently you can claim tax relief on every penny

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you give to charity, but according to David Cameron...

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Like Eton, for example.

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APPLAUSE

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This is the worst thing he could have possibly done

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cos it just makes him look even more like the Child Catcher

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from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

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This is the shock news that many people try to avoid paying tax.

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My favourite is one senior Tory Party donor

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spent a night in a private jet, flying from Luton Airport

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out of British airspace to avoid staying in the country

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for more than 90 days,

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thus qualifying as a resident abroad for tax purposes.

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In a plane?

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-In a plane.

-Brilliant.

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Could he not just get in a hot air balloon and tether that

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about three feet off the ground?

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You've got to leave the airspace.

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Oh, you've got to leave the airspace.

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So, you can't just jump up and down.

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Are you sure about that?

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What do you think Philip Green's doing?

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Yeah, I know what he's doing, but I don't think it's that... Anyway.

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London Luton is so far away from London

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that it's actually in international airspace?

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He flew from Luton out of British airspace.

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If you touch down anywhere they might get you for tax.

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Oh, I see.

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So, it's more enjoyable, as a rich person, to go nowhere.

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Sit in an aeroplane thinking, "I'm saving money."

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-Yeah.

-They're a miserable bunch.

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Yes, this story appeared on The Mail Online website.

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But did you read what Eric Swindon,

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sorry, that's Eric, comma, Swindon, Grace, had to say about this?

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He said...

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Seems like a nice chap.

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So, when it comes to tax, what does every politician really want?

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To be able to declare their own tax affairs and make them public.

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-Transparency?

-Exactly.

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And what do they mean by transparency in this case?

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We're not going to do it.

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They mean revealing a very small amount of information

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that doesn't tell you too much.

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So, you just put your income in, and if income isn't your big thing,

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if, say, assets, say you're in the cabinet...

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just thinking randomly, then you don't have to declare those.

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So, you know, transparency up to a point, which is opaque!

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Makes a lot of sense, yes.

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Yes, according to the Guardian...

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Let's hope they don't mean Eric Pickles.

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Yuck.

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According to the Express...

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According to the Telegraph George Osborne says he hasn't...

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Which face does he use when he sets his face against it?

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Does he use this face?

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Or this face?

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Or this face?

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So, why is it all kicking off now, what started this rumpus?

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It's Ken Livingstone.

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That's right.

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It was discovered that Ken had said that people who avoid tax

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are rich bastards who shouldn't be allowed to vote.

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And then it turned out he pays a lot of his earnings into a company,

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and pays not tax at 40%, but corporate tax at 21%.

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And a lot of people irresponsibly thought, "He's avoiding tax,

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"what a bastard."

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Then there was a fight between him and Boris.

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In a radio station. In a lift!

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What did he call him though? Did he call him a lying wanker?

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No, I'm afraid it was the F-word.

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-BLEEP

-lying wanker?

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Sorry.

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I'm not helping here, am I?

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That happens to be one of our finest banks.

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You're very close.

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Boris screamed into Ken's face...

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Presumably a phrase Boris picked up from his wife.

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How's Ken's election campaign going?

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Well, he was shown a film of himself this week,

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and he was absolutely moved to tears by the image of himself.

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Just people talking about how wonderful he was.

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He had a little cry. But not just a little cry, a proper cry.

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Oh.

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It's like a cartoon bear cry.

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He's saying, "I don't believe YOU'RE leader of the Labour Party!"

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It'd be interesting to know what Miliband is smelling

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at that particular moment!

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I met Ken just before Christmas, I was doing a panel with him,

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and as part of that panel I was given, someone gave me a gift

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of a copy of the Koran.

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And afterwards I went into the Green Room,

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and Ken was sitting on the arm of a sofa,

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and I was carrying the Koran and a biro.

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And he looked up at me, and I said, as a joke,

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"Would you sign it for me, Ken?"

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And he went, "Yeah, all right." And he took it from me and signed it.

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So I now have quite an inflammatory piece of literature

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in some people's eyes.

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APPLAUSE

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Which trendy, ultra touchy-feely companies have been avoiding tax?

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Amazon, who've made £7 billion and paid no corporate sales tax.

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That's perfectly reasonable, that's a tax rate of 0%.

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They've made billions of pounds and they pay no tax,

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what's your problem?

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There's a difference between avoidance and evasion though.

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You would evade...

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I would not!

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I might evade.

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I'm not Ken Livingstone, you know!

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Then there's also that thing that people like Mick Jagger

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and Ringo Starr and Bob Geldof have done

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where you get your property and then you put it into a company abroad

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and then if you've got something that's worth 50 billion

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you don't pay any tax on it.

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-Are you suggesting what they're doing is wrong?

-I think that...

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-Bob Geldof?

-I think that's wrong. Is that not wrong?

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You pronounce him like he's a character in Lord Of The Rings.

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Bob Gel-dorf.

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I don't think any of these people are suspected of any wrongdoing.

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Yes, Amazon is under investigation by UK tax authorities

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for registering its UK sales operation in Luxembourg,

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claiming only its distribution arm is in the UK.

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In 2010 they would have paid £35 million in UK tax,

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but they managed to reduce that slightly to... nothing.

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Google are using a Dutch Sandwich,

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ever tried a Dutch Sandwich, Ian?

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Um...

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Google's UK operation is based in Ireland,

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where the rate of tax is half that of Britain.

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They then funnel the profits via the Netherlands to Bermuda,

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which enables them to pay a tax rate of a quarter of 1%.

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Blimey.

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If you Google "tax",

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does it give you nothing?

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Probably not.

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Right, moving from a tax on the rich and privileged

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to attacks on the rich and privileged. See what I did there?

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Can you think of any attacks on the rich and privileged recently?

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Anyone swimming.

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Trenton. Trenton?

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-Trenton.

-Trenton Oldfield swam into the middle of the Thames

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and stopped the boat race.

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He was doing things like encouraging anarchist cleaners

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to not put toilet roll in the toilets of rich people.

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They'd just wipe their bums with poor people then.

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Not really achieving any aims, is it?

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Someone posted this on YouTube of Trenton in action.

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Trenton? Trenton!

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Trenton! TRENTON.

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TRENTON! TRENTO-ON!

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Right, Trenton!

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Oh, Jesus Christ!

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APPLAUSE

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The crowd were angry. According to The Mail they shouted...

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And most devastatingly of all...

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Let's not forget, while we are arguing the toss over income tax,

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the Greek economy could drag us all down.

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Here's Jeremy Paxman using his scalpel-like analysis

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on the former Greek finance minister.

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Joining us now from Athens is Giorgos Papakanstu-konstu-konstantino

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who, until the middle of last year, was Greece's Finance Minister,

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now he is Minister for the Environment.

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Also with us is the former Conservative Cabinet minister

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John Redwood.

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Mr Papakonstinton-konstin-konstantinou.

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Forgive me, I'm so sorry!

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This is the row over tax avoidance by the rich,

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or as they're known since the budget, the richer.

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According to a recent poll...

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The other 40% don't follow current affairs.

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Adding to the heartbreak of the rich this week

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was Trenton Oldfield who disrupted the boat race.

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Although, to be fair,

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it's not the first sighting of a turd in the Thames.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Yes, this was the 158th boat race, shown live on the BBC.

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According to the Sun...

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And then a bloke appeared in the water to liven things up.

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Paul and Miles, some recent history for you.

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This is the pasty-gate story, there's David Cameron there

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and it's the Sunday Times filming this bloke Cruddas...

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Oh, there's jerry cans, fill them up with petrol,

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if you haven't got one, keep it in your mouth.

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Francis Maude giving out ridiculous advice

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that people should store petrol in their sheds,

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garages or second houses.

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Just absolute nightmare situation, where people are doing this,

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it's very dangerous.

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So this is the thing about, if you can't store it in your garage,

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store it in a pasty, at least you know where it is.

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As long as you don't heat it up, you won't pay 20% tax,

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or, indeed, blow your house up.

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So, it's pasties and petrol, but I'm never quite sure which is which.

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Yes, this is a look back at recent Government gaffes,

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involving the price of pasties, the panic buying of petrol,

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and the total pillock, Peter Cruddas.

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How did George Osborne turn a pasty into a hot potato?

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Well, it's some sort of rule now, so, if you buy your pasty cold

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it costs so much money, but if it's heated up you pay 20% extra,

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because it's now become an ambient pasty,

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it's become more than room temperature.

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Paul's not only right, but I think if you queue for the pasty

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while it's being warmed up and then it goes cold again,

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it does this, the graph of what you have to pay.

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So, at the beginning of the queue it's 20% up,

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but if it gets cold again, it's a cold pasty, so it's 20% down.

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So, if you buy a pasty that's hot and you take it home and it's cold,

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you're owed a rebate.

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Yes, it's a terrifically well thought out piece of legislation.

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After accusations the Government was out-of-touch

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with ordinary people's love of pasties,

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what was David Cameron quick to announce?

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He said, "I had a pasty recently."

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And he said he'd eaten this in Leeds, and it's been proved

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Leeds disappeared about five years ago, so it's no longer there.

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Leeds no longer exists, yes.

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They go relegated from the Premiership and the actual area

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was taken down. Dismantled.

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Yes, that's right.

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It's real acting talent, isn't it, for all those people?

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Cos Ed Miliband immediately went with Ed Balls to Greggs,

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and they both ate a pie,

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and the Tory cabinet had to all go to Greggs, "What is this?"

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"Have you seen the size of these volauvents? They're huge!

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"What is this?

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"Is somebody in there? Hello?"

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It's good advertising for Greggs, though, isn't it?

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Because if they get VAT added to their products,

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that's about the only chance of having any kind of luxury label.

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Do you eat pasties, Ian?

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No, you see, I commute,

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and I was very keen that the tax on pasties

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should go up to £1 million.

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Cos the train I get is full of blokes who've had too much to drink

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getting a pasty, hoping it's going to soak it all up,

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they shove it in their face.

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And I'm sitting there trying to do the crossword.

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20 minutes into the journey, nothing.

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Sometimes I just fill in anything,

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to make people opposite me think I can do it. Just.

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That's quite a sad life you conjure up there, Ian.

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These pasty-chomping, beer-soaked individuals,

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you're trying to impress by doing the crossword.

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There's issues of self-esteem here, I think.

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Very sad.

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Is it in first class that people sit opposite you eating pasties?

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No, it's not first class, no, it's ordinary.

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-You travel in standard?

-Yeah.

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Don't you feel threatened?

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He's got his own train!

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, David Cameron said he loved a hot pasty,

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and had indeed recently bought one

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from the West Cornwall Pasty Company,

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he went on to tell this highly amusing anecdote.

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I seem to remember I was in Leeds Station at the time,

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the choice was whether to have one of their small ones or their large ones,

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I've got a feeling I opted for the large one and very good it was too.

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"Very good it was too!"

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I think he was talking about the pasties there,

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not Leeds Station's wide variety of prostitutes.

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So was that an end?

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Sorry, what did you say then?

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I didn't say anything.

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Oh, OK, fine. You were miming to a backing tape.

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I was out of British airspace at that time.

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Was that an end to the matter?

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-Probably not.

-Everyone jumped on the bandwagon.

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A spokesman announced that Nick Clegg...

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How big was it, if it's taken him a few months to eat it?

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He was waiting for Ian to turn up with the crossword.

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Ed Davey, the Liberal Democrat Energy Secretary, pointed out...

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Now he works in an even bigger one!

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And just as everything was beginning to die down,

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Housing Minister Grant Shapps did his party no favours

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in this interview on The Andrew Marr Show

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where, despite being asked completely unrelated questions,

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he seemed a man obsessed with shoehorning

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pasties into the interview.

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Isn't there a risk people are thinking either,

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"This is an incompetent government."

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Or, "This is a government not all in it together

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"and that's supporting the rich?"

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We can spend an interview like this talking about pasties and whether they're hot or cold...

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What's worse, to be accused of incompetence

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or to be accused of being a party of the rich?

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These are the really big issues, the VAT, the deficit reduction,

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the things which are going to change this country radically

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like Michael Gove's education reforms.

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Those are the things that matter.

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Of course we can talk about pasties and who knows who for how long.

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Opinion polls suggest that you're a party of chums.

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This is a government that understands that what you need to do

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is govern for everyone and, again, a bit like the pasties...

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What's he up to?

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We also saw Peter Cruddas, who was the Tory Party co-treasurer.

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What was he offering to feed to David Cameron?

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-Money.

-Money.

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Donors.

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You got to have dinner with Cameron if you paid up enough money.

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And you could influence Government policy for literally just £250,000.

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So, Labour should have put up somebody,

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paid £250,000,

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go in there, influence Government policy.

0:18:550:18:57

Easy, don't have to win an election.

0:18:570:18:59

Absolutely!

0:18:590:19:01

It was only... £250,000 was just for a kitchen supper.

0:19:010:19:04

But, no, what's a kitchen supper at your house?

0:19:040:19:06

A kitchen supper is for people you don't want in the dining room.

0:19:060:19:11

There you go, see?

0:19:110:19:12

Cruddas was secretly filmed offering access to David Cameron

0:19:120:19:15

in exchange for large donations to the Tory Party,

0:19:150:19:17

and offered to feed their views into the policy unit at Number Ten.

0:19:170:19:20

Let's look at a meeting with undercover reporters

0:19:200:19:23

from the Sunday Times.

0:19:230:19:24

200 grand, 250 is Premier League.

0:19:240:19:28

If you're unhappy about something, we'll listen to you,

0:19:280:19:33

and we'll put it into the policy committee at Number Ten.

0:19:330:19:36

We feed all feedback into the policy committee.

0:19:360:19:41

What you can't see is that he's talking to Nick Clegg!

0:19:410:19:44

According to the Sunday Times, Peter Cruddas boasted

0:19:450:19:49

that he'd flattered one donor, Lord Glendonbrook,

0:19:490:19:51

into making a million pound donation, how did he do that?

0:19:510:19:55

He said, "Oh, we're going to put you on the bank notes."

0:19:550:19:58

It was a pyjama party at Number Ten, £250,000 gets you dinner,

0:20:000:20:04

if you pay more, you can stay on for the...entertainment.

0:20:040:20:08

They get a bit drunk, there is a bottle of whatever,

0:20:090:20:12

they say "Let's play Twister,"

0:20:120:20:14

and they go, "I've forgotten my trousers," it is one of those nights.

0:20:140:20:19

They go, "It is a bit late, why don't you stay?"

0:20:190:20:21

"I haven't got any pyjamas." "It doesn't matter."

0:20:210:20:24

"I will put the central heating on."

0:20:240:20:28

You wake up in the morning feeling so... Oh, sorry!

0:20:280:20:34

When you said pyjama party, I had images

0:20:340:20:36

of David Cameron and Lord Glendenbrook brushing their teeth together.

0:20:360:20:39

I thought that was quite sweet. It's not - it's bribery.

0:20:390:20:42

-Has that been cleared with the lawyer?

-It'll be fine.

0:20:460:20:49

Cameron is crooked.

0:20:490:20:51

He flattered him into doing it by presenting him

0:20:530:20:56

with a birthday card, personally signed by David Cameron.

0:20:560:20:59

When the undercover reporters asked what tactics

0:20:590:21:02

he had used to persuade the Prime Minister to make the gesture, he replied...

0:21:020:21:05

The spotlight soon fell on other donors.

0:21:100:21:13

How did Francis Maude deftly manage to distract

0:21:310:21:34

attention from the damage being done by pasties and Peter Cruddas?

0:21:340:21:37

Put petrol in your bath!

0:21:370:21:40

Drink as much of it as you can, keep it in your hat.

0:21:410:21:43

Is there a spare pram in the hallway the children are growing out of,

0:21:450:21:49

cover it in petrol, and push it outside on a hot sunny day,

0:21:490:21:53

with magnified glass above it.

0:21:530:21:56

Make your children wear paper clothes. All that sort of stuff.

0:21:560:22:02

He suggested that...

0:22:020:22:03

Instead of rushing to the garage to panic buy petrol,

0:22:070:22:10

thousands rushed to Halfords to panic buy jerry cans,

0:22:100:22:15

sales of which went up 500%.

0:22:150:22:18

One motorist summed up the situation.

0:22:180:22:21

Having given his verdict on the utter stupidity of panic buying petrol, he added...

0:22:240:22:29

George Galloway won an ultra-safe Labour seat in what he called the Bradford Spring.

0:22:330:22:38

How did he appeal to the voters?

0:22:380:22:42

He spoke about things in which they're interested

0:22:420:22:44

and about which they feel passionately and they agreed with him.

0:22:440:22:48

He went for the Islamic vote and there were a lot of them

0:22:500:22:53

and they voted for him and democratically, that means he wins.

0:22:530:22:57

Anyone hear what he had to say about politics and bottoms?

0:22:570:23:01

I put it down to a tidal wave of alienation, not just in Bradford,

0:23:010:23:07

against the Tweedledee Tweedledum politics of the major parties.

0:23:070:23:10

If a backside could have three cheeks,

0:23:100:23:12

they would be the three cheeks of that backside.

0:23:120:23:15

..the Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Tweedledee-and-a-half.

0:23:150:23:18

If a backside could have three cheeks,

0:23:180:23:20

they are sitting in the House of Commons.

0:23:200:23:22

The three main political parties all offer one variety of the same thing.

0:23:220:23:27

If a backside could have three cheeks,

0:23:270:23:29

they would be the three cheeks of the same backside.

0:23:290:23:31

A tidal wave of dissatisfaction, alienation,

0:23:310:23:34

derision, even, against the mainstream political parties

0:23:340:23:38

who all stand for the same things.

0:23:380:23:40

If a backside could have three cheeks, they would be those three cheeks.

0:23:400:23:45

A backside with three cheeks would require one massive arsehole.

0:23:450:23:49

APPLAUSE

0:23:520:23:56

Every night, his PR people would be going,

0:23:580:24:01

"The anti-war stuff is working well. People like that, but the thing you say about the bottoms..."

0:24:010:24:06

This is the run of scandals, including pasty-gate,

0:24:090:24:12

dinner-gate, and the totally unnecessary panic over petrol,

0:24:120:24:14

caused by ill-advised comments of Francis Maude...gate.

0:24:140:24:19

The Prime Minister was caught telling lies about the last time he ate a pasty.

0:24:190:24:22

David Cameron now claims he always has...

0:24:220:24:25

David, that's a beef Wellington!

0:24:280:24:31

David Cameron claimed to have had a pasty in a Yorkshire pasty shop

0:24:320:24:35

that had closed five years earlier,

0:24:350:24:37

just after Eric Pickles moved from Yorkshire to London.

0:24:370:24:40

As panic-buying continued,

0:24:400:24:43

one AA man reported seeing a 75-year-old woman

0:24:430:24:46

at a petrol station filling up...

0:24:460:24:48

Which sounds mad, but to be fair, it is the only way to store it,

0:24:530:24:56

as she didn't have a car.

0:24:560:24:58

Time for the Odd One Out round.

0:25:010:25:02

Your four are, the First Lady of Syria, Asma Al-Assad,

0:25:020:25:07

Anthony Worrall Thompson, a passenger aboard a private jet

0:25:070:25:11

at Luton Airport, and online shopper, Mr Chiu.

0:25:110:25:15

Is this about shopping?

0:25:150:25:18

She does a lot of online shopping, so you can see the things that

0:25:180:25:22

she's been treating herself to while thousands are being killed.

0:25:220:25:25

It would get you down.

0:25:250:25:26

You'd need to go and buy a chandelier.

0:25:260:25:29

Anthony Worrall Thompson shops with the five-fingered discount.

0:25:290:25:33

-What does that mean?

-Nicking stuff.

0:25:360:25:39

Different worlds, isn't it, me and you?

0:25:390:25:43

Who is the guy...? Is he buying things?

0:25:430:25:46

He's an online shopper, that's the clue.

0:25:460:25:49

He's shopping online, I reckon.

0:25:490:25:52

It's like watching Sherlock Holmes at his finest.

0:25:540:25:58

Teasing out the truth from a slender strand of clue.

0:25:580:26:02

They are all candidates to become the next director general.

0:26:030:26:06

-What, including Luton Airport?

-Yeah.

0:26:060:26:08

-Is it tax?

-It is to do with paying.

0:26:110:26:14

-He doesn't pay. She hasn't paid any of her bills?

-Not quite.

0:26:140:26:20

We don't know!

0:26:200:26:21

We could add to the general air of gloom and despondency

0:26:210:26:25

by saying we don't know either.

0:26:250:26:26

Good. They have all avoided paying the full amount,

0:26:260:26:29

apart from an online shopper, named Mr Chiu, who paid a total

0:26:290:26:35

of 12 million Taiwanese dollars to buy a croissant over the Internet.

0:26:350:26:40

How did he do that?

0:26:400:26:41

He pressed the button that said,

0:26:410:26:43

"do you want to pay millions for this croissant, yes or no?"

0:26:430:26:47

And he pressed the yes button.

0:26:470:26:50

-It's probably only 25p.

-It translates as £250,000?

0:26:500:26:55

Dinner with David Cameron.

0:26:550:26:58

It wasn't a Nigerian writing to him

0:26:580:27:01

saying "Would you like one of our fine croissants?"

0:27:010:27:05

"You have inherited a croissant."

0:27:050:27:07

"Just pay us £250,000 and you can have this Nigerian croissant."

0:27:070:27:12

-"Wow! I'd like that!"

-"Your uncle, Greggs the Baker has died."

0:27:120:27:17

He kept paying over and over again,

0:27:170:27:21

after a number of phone calls asking for repayments from these scoundrels,

0:27:210:27:25

before his bank details were used to fleece him out of cash.

0:27:250:27:29

He ended up paying £250,000.

0:27:290:27:31

He couldn't have paid £250,000. He couldn't have done.

0:27:310:27:36

-Where would he get it from?

-He's obviously a very rich man.

0:27:360:27:42

How can anybody that stupid, unless he has inherited it...

0:27:420:27:46

"I've £250,000, I ain't half hungry, I'll have one of them."

0:27:460:27:52

The fact is, he never received his croissant.

0:27:520:27:56

It just gets worse and worse.

0:27:560:27:59

What was Asma Al-Assad trying to avoid paying the full price for?

0:27:590:28:04

A croissant, 250 grand? I know where you can get it for half that.

0:28:040:28:09

It was a Ming vase, costing £3,047.50.

0:28:090:28:13

According to the Guardian, she sent details of the vase

0:28:130:28:16

to the family's London-based fixer, Soulieman Marouf.

0:28:160:28:18

He responded saying...

0:28:180:28:20

Still, 15%, eh?

0:28:310:28:33

Anthony Worrall Thompson was caught shoplifting from Tesco's.

0:28:360:28:39

According to the Daily Mail, it was...

0:28:390:28:40

The toughest set of ingredients on Ready Steady Cook.

0:28:440:28:47

He also took wine and cheese. How did the Sun's headline writers respond?

0:28:490:28:53

Ready, steady, crook! I could have been a journalist.

0:28:530:28:56

-You could have been.

-There's still time.

0:28:560:29:00

Any more wine-and-cheesed-based punnery?

0:29:000:29:02

Look what this bastard's stolen.

0:29:020:29:05

They went for...

0:29:050:29:07

We have talked about the passengers aboard the jet at Luton Airport,

0:29:120:29:17

an unnamed Tony donor!

0:29:170:29:18

-Tony donor?!

-Tony Donor, I know him, Tony.

0:29:180:29:24

The passenger who was an unnamed Tory donor,

0:29:240:29:28

who frequently caught a helicopter to Luton Airport before zooming

0:29:280:29:31

out of UK airspace in a private jet to avoid paying his full share of tax.

0:29:310:29:36

Asma Al-Assad's parents were originally from Homs,

0:29:360:29:39

the house they lived in is now commemorated with a large crater.

0:29:390:29:43

Asma Al-Assad used to be an investment banker,

0:29:440:29:47

one of the very few bankers to move on to something even more evil.

0:29:470:29:52

Paul and Miles, here's yours.

0:29:540:29:56

Harry Redknapp, Elisabeth Murdoch, Rebekah Brookes and Ned Kelly.

0:29:560:30:01

Are these all candidates to be Arch Bishop of Canterbury?

0:30:010:30:05

-Ned Kelly, what do we know about Ned Kelly?

-Um...

0:30:050:30:07

-His body was discovered last year.

-Was it? Ah.

-In a mass grave.

0:30:070:30:12

-Not his head.

-How did they know it was him, then?

0:30:120:30:14

I don't know how they knew it was him. I think they were experts.

0:30:140:30:18

-Oh, right, yeah.

-I mean, that isn't something that's been...

0:30:180:30:21

-None of the others have been found in unmarked graves.

-No.

0:30:210:30:25

It can't be that, can it? That would have been extraordinary.

0:30:250:30:28

-It's something to do with a particular type of animal.

-Dog.

0:30:280:30:31

Oh, it's a horse, it's a horse. Rebekah Brooks had a horse

0:30:310:30:34

that was lent to her by the Metropolitan Police.

0:30:340:30:36

-Is it a horse?

-It is a horse.

-Right, OK. Um...

0:30:360:30:39

Harry Readnopp... Harry Readnopp?

0:30:390:30:43

-They're a popular big combo.

-Right.

0:30:460:30:49

Well, he was involved in a case about avoiding tax.

0:30:490:30:52

And he'd set up an offshore account in the name of his dog.

0:30:520:30:56

-Is that right?

-That is right.

0:30:560:30:58

-And the jury found him innocent.

-They did.

-Rightly.

0:30:580:31:02

They've all been arrested, apart from Elisabeth Murdoch.

0:31:040:31:07

Yes, if you throw in the horse bit of that, between you, you have the right answer.

0:31:070:31:11

They've all been arrested for horse-related crimes.

0:31:110:31:14

Apart from one of them, who hasn't.

0:31:140:31:17

And did he steal...?

0:31:170:31:18

He was a horse thief, she lent a horse

0:31:180:31:21

and he opened an account in the name of a dog.

0:31:210:31:24

-So the odd one out is?

-Is...

-Elisabeth.

-Elisabeth Murdoch.

0:31:260:31:31

Is the correct answer. She is the odd one out.

0:31:310:31:34

They've all been accused of receiving a horse improperly.

0:31:340:31:38

Oh, of course(!)

0:31:380:31:39

What's the proper way to receive a horse?

0:31:420:31:45

Apart from Elisabeth Murdoch who had her horse improperly taken away.

0:31:450:31:48

-Anyone know by whom?

-By her father.

-Yes.

0:31:480:31:53

Elisabeth Murdoch revealed in an interview with Tatler Magazine

0:31:530:31:56

that as a young girl, she had a favourite pony

0:31:560:31:58

and one day she went to nuzzle it only to find the animal had vanished.

0:31:580:32:02

She then asked her father where it was and he said...

0:32:020:32:04

GRUFF AUSTRALIAN ACCENT

0:32:040:32:08

That's how she talks.

0:32:120:32:13

How many News of the World readers have got accommodation for a pony?

0:32:130:32:16

But he's been more generous to her since.

0:32:160:32:19

-Yes, he bought her television company.

-For?

-A lot.

0:32:190:32:24

£129 million.

0:32:240:32:27

Fortunately, the flurry of revelations

0:32:270:32:29

-about the scandalous behaviour at News International has died down now, hasn't it, Ian?

-No.

-Oh.

0:32:290:32:34

There have been some people who say they've been hacked in America,

0:32:340:32:38

which means the whole thing will start up again

0:32:380:32:41

and the Americans are very, very cross about that sort of thing.

0:32:410:32:44

-There was a whole file leaked on the internet, wasn't there?

-Yeah.

0:32:440:32:48

-That absolutely nobody will talk about.

-What's it about?

0:32:480:32:51

-I can't talk about it.

-Can you not?

-No. Well, I could.

0:32:510:32:54

Could you explain some element to the story in some sort of charade form?

0:32:540:32:58

It's just the same old... same old, same old.

0:32:580:33:03

People doing things that they're not meant to do and hassling celebrities.

0:33:030:33:07

-I see.

-It'll come out. It'll come out at some point.

0:33:080:33:11

GRACE LAUGHS

0:33:110:33:13

Harry Redknapp received a horse from football agent Willie McKay -

0:33:190:33:22

a gift that was investigated as part of the Stevens inquiry into corruption in football.

0:33:220:33:27

How did Harry try and argue that the horse wasn't a bung?

0:33:270:33:30

He said he didn't have a head for figures,

0:33:300:33:33

it was a gift from a friend.

0:33:330:33:35

The friend had put it in an offshore account in the name of his dog.

0:33:350:33:39

What could be more innocent than that?

0:33:390:33:42

Did he say it was a present for his child or something?

0:33:420:33:44

He said it wasn't a bung because it was a useless horse.

0:33:440:33:48

He told the inquiry it was possible he owned the horse,

0:33:490:33:53

he did admit to that. Can anyone...? We've already talked about...

0:33:530:33:57

Well... Er... Oh.

0:33:570:33:58

Rebekah Brooks, when editor of The Sun in 2008,

0:33:580:34:02

was apparently lent a horse by the Metropolitan Police.

0:34:020:34:04

It was actually at a restaurant.

0:34:040:34:06

She was offered a horse at a restaurant.

0:34:060:34:08

I'm presuming a French restaurant.

0:34:080:34:11

The horse, who was called Razor, who rode her?

0:34:130:34:16

-The Prime Minister rode the horse.

-Yes, David Cameron rode her.

0:34:160:34:19

-Here he is admitting that he did in fact ride the horse.

-Oh, right.

0:34:190:34:22

Yes, I did go riding with him, he has a number of different horses,

0:34:220:34:27

and, yes, one of them was this former police horse Razor,

0:34:270:34:30

which I did ride.

0:34:300:34:32

I'm very sorry to hear that Razor is no longer with us

0:34:320:34:35

and I think I'll probably conclude by saying

0:34:350:34:38

I don't think I'll be getting back into the saddle any time soon.

0:34:380:34:42

Another good anecdote there from Dave.

0:34:440:34:46

-Ned Kelly was an Australian outlaw.

-Yeah. He was.

-In 1871,

0:34:480:34:53

he was sentenced to thee years hard labour

0:34:530:34:55

for improperly receiving a stolen horse.

0:34:550:34:59

Anyone know the name of Ned Kelly's first victim?

0:34:590:35:02

A clue is he was a Chinese trader. His name was...

0:35:040:35:08

Coincidentally.

0:35:120:35:13

Were they also his dying words?

0:35:130:35:14

They have all been accused of receiving a horse improperly,

0:35:160:35:19

apart from Elisabeth Murdoch, who had her horse improperly taken away.

0:35:190:35:23

After initially denying it, David Cameron admitted riding horses

0:35:230:35:26

belonging to Rebekah and Charlie Brooks, saying...

0:35:260:35:28

Just to be clear, Nick Clegg never rode the horse.

0:35:310:35:35

He was too busy mucking out the stables.

0:35:350:35:38

Harry Redknapp was unknowingly given a horse by his agent.

0:35:380:35:41

He was also unknowingly given a pony and several monkeys.

0:35:410:35:46

Harry Redknapp's horse looks good, runs well for most of the race

0:35:480:35:52

then inexplicably fades and finishes behind Arsenal.

0:35:520:35:55

Mick Jagger played the title role

0:35:580:36:00

in the movie of Ned Kelly's short but turbulent life.

0:36:000:36:03

Born in 1854, Mick is still touring.

0:36:030:36:07

Time now for the missing words round, which, this week,

0:36:080:36:12

features as its guest publication Raisin' Views -

0:36:120:36:16

the voice of the raisin industry.

0:36:160:36:18

I am a regular subscriber,

0:36:180:36:20

as indeed are all of its subscribers.

0:36:200:36:22

And we start with...

0:36:260:36:27

Tom Jones?

0:36:310:36:33

MILES: A state of indecision.

0:36:350:36:37

The answer is...

0:36:410:36:42

This is one of the many unusual calls

0:36:460:36:49

revealed by the Leicester Fire Brigade,

0:36:490:36:51

which also included a man who got his toe stuck in a bath tap after his wife said...

0:36:510:36:55

Sadly, she was stuck in a wardrobe at the time so he didn't hear her.

0:36:580:37:02

Next...

0:37:030:37:04

I tell callers I'm lusty Lolita with the sexual desire of a panther

0:37:070:37:11

but I'm actually John Major who used to be Prime Minister of this country.

0:37:110:37:15

Is pretty much the right answer, yes.

0:37:170:37:19

This is 55-year-old sex line worker Maureen Gardner.

0:37:280:37:32

Here she is on the phone using her one good ear,

0:37:320:37:34

after the accident she had last time someone phoned her up while she was doing the ironing.

0:37:340:37:38

Next...

0:37:380:37:39

I know this one.

0:37:420:37:44

-They're actually highly intelligent.

-Is absolutely the correct answer.

0:37:440:37:48

A Swedish study has found that footballers are more intelligent than previously thought.

0:37:480:37:52

As if to prove it, here's Burnley defender Clarke Carlisle appearing on Countdown.

0:37:520:37:57

Somewhat less impressive

0:37:570:37:58

when you realise the word he came up with was "go".

0:37:580:38:02

Next...

0:38:050:38:06

-And...

-MILES: Immediately apologises.

-Yes.

0:38:080:38:11

Cabbie sneezes and takes wrong turn into canal.

0:38:140:38:17

Is almost the right answer.

0:38:170:38:19

This is a taxi driver, Mati Levy, who sneezed whilst driving

0:38:200:38:24

and careered into a 15th century monument.

0:38:240:38:26

The monument, in Cheddar, is now cordoned off,

0:38:260:38:29

leaving heartbroken residents with nothing to piss against on their way home from the pub.

0:38:290:38:33

Next...

0:38:340:38:36

In all honesty,

0:38:390:38:41

there's no chance we're ever going to get this, are we?

0:38:410:38:44

Even showing it to us is an insult, really.

0:38:440:38:47

Well, I think you'll kick yourself

0:38:470:38:48

when you find out what the answer is.

0:38:480:38:50

-Raisins, raisins and more raisins.

-Is the right answer.

-Whey!

0:38:500:38:53

-APPLAUSE

-Pretty much, pretty much.

0:38:530:38:55

One speaker at the seminar

0:39:030:39:05

was a member of the National Dried Fruit Trade Association.

0:39:050:39:09

Well, that's dried fruit for you.

0:39:110:39:13

And finally...

0:39:140:39:15

Take your tights off.

0:39:180:39:19

No, DO take your tights off.

0:39:210:39:22

Don't keep your tights on!

0:39:240:39:26

Don't use raisins as a contraceptive. They fall out.

0:39:260:39:29

Well, the answer is...

0:39:310:39:33

This is the news that the Edinburgh Zoo pandas are more prone to slap than tickle.

0:39:370:39:41

Here is another panda, this time in the USA,

0:39:410:39:44

behaving in an upsetting manner.

0:39:440:39:46

CHILDREN: Purple panda!

0:39:460:39:50

-Oh, is he coming?

-Purple panda!

0:39:500:39:53

There he is, look.

0:39:530:39:55

Here's a panda. Hello, panda.

0:39:550:39:57

CHILDREN WAIL

0:39:570:39:59

He's just pre... Wait.

0:40:060:40:08

CHILDREN CONTINUE TO WAIL

0:40:080:40:12

Aren't children stupid?

0:40:140:40:16

So the final scores are...

0:40:190:40:21

Paul and Miles have seven points,

0:40:210:40:22

but the winners this week are Ian and Grace with eight.

0:40:220:40:25

Yes.

0:40:250:40:27

APPLAUSE

0:40:270:40:29

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:340:40:39

-AS BORIS:

-Would you live in the Greater London area?

0:40:450:40:47

And I'll leave you with the news that with the race to be Mayor of London hotting up,

0:40:490:40:53

one of the candidates resorts to a Vladimir Putin style of campaigning.

0:40:530:40:57

As Alan Titchmarsh's latest novel is turned into a movie,

0:41:010:41:04

filming begins on the romantic love scene.

0:41:040:41:06

And at a park in Barnsley, Prince Charles attends the unveiling of a statue

0:41:090:41:13

commemorating Britain's finest prostate doctor.

0:41:130:41:16

Good night.

0:41:200:41:21

APPLAUSE

0:41:210:41:24

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0:41:510:41:54

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