Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week...

In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm

is boosted by a high-profile customer

for its new arse elbow separator.

It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs

and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do

to clinch the title of world champion

is to sit on the chair.

And after one garden shed burglary too many,

the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious.

With Ian tonight is a comedian

who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice.

Really?

That's odd, all the people I ever work with at the BBC

tell me they couldn't stand you.

Please welcome Humphrey Ker.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer

who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers,

where a sweet, innocent old lady

finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits.

I know the feeling.

Please welcome Graham Linehan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this.

-It's Abu Qatada.

-Surrounded by a miasma of hate!

He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug.

This was the week where the Government was very keen

to get back its reputation for competence...

-and it didn't go so well.

-No.

We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada.

"He's off on Tuesday."

Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't,"

because he's put in an appeal.

And the Home Office said he's to appeal by Monday night

and the European Court of Human Rights said,

"No, it's Tuesday night."

-No-one appears to have checked.

-It's a classic diary error.

We've all done it.

"Which day is the 17th?

"Monday, I think."

"I'll check when I get home."

Well, a correct answer, actually,

is when the court officials who've actually set the deadline say it is.

But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in

one hour before the deadline.

They just love living on the edge.

I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer.

You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance!

What Abu Qatada's done wrong

is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him.

If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,

people might not be quite so keen.

So, I think get the cockneys to like him first.

-HAVE A BANANA THEME:

-# Abu Qatada. #

Like this.

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

I'd like to have my own theme tune as well.

Cos I think we should all have one.

What would yours be?

I'd like to have the sound of broken glass

followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it."

Do you know how Abu Qatada...

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

..has been described in the press?

He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.

The Times describes Qatada as "radical Muslim cleric",

The Sun as "hate preacher"

and the Daily Telegraph as...

"Mr Qatada".

The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights

previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan

as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture

would be used against him.

According to The Times,

the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards"

anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners.

Reassuring, isn't it?

And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing?

Not knowing which day of the week it is.

They've accused her of "dragging her heels".

-Very good.

-Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys.

Because of THAT we missed the deadline?

And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander

Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing?

Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured.

Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi.

Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator.

You know, maybe they'd get one in return, oil rights or...

I don't know, a bung when you leave office.

Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in!

-Extraordinary accusation there!

-Extraordinary!

Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money

since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge.

I do hope that doesn't get through(!)

This man is suing Straw personally and he might win.

So, we could find out what happened in the Blair years,

which is quite exciting.

For some of us.

Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered.

Or stone clad, as the builder called it.

The rendition of Belhadj took place

just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert".

According to The Sunday Times,

"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case,"

and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?"

-In other terrorism news...

-Yes!

I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further -

-not for long.

-I'm all for it.

We'll have a big knob on in a minute.

What's that?

Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere.

Oh, I see, knob ON. I thought, like, a marathon,

-I thought it was all one word.

-Oh, right!

-That was the only way I would watch the Olympics.

-What?

-If there was a knob on.

-Oh, I see.

In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long -

but a Taliban commander has been arrested.

Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation?

-The answer to that must, surely, be no.

-The answer, surely, is no.

Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint,

held up a wanted poster bearing his own face

and demanded the 100 finder's fee.

That is a CLASSIC mistake.

He should have held out for 200.

Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile."

How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass

and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise?

-How's that coming along?

-I don't know, is that coming along?

No.

Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action?

-Yes!

-Oh, yeah.

-No, I wouldn't.

His name is Jim Yong Kim

and Obama has just announced his appointment

as head of the World Bank.

It's in safe hands. Here he is.

# I've had the time of my life

# And I've never felt this way before

# And I swear it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you. #

Dirty bit!

DANCE MUSIC

Half man, half pillar box.

-Yeah, look at him, a real banker!

-Yeah.

He's DOWN with the interest rates!

# This is hot tonight

# Go, go be green Go, go! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What's he in charge of?

-He is in charge of the World Bank.

He's in charge of all the money?!

Have you ever done karaoke?

Have I ever done karaoke? Yeah.

He mimes to the speeches of William Pitt the Younger.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

-Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier.

-Really?

What was yours again?

Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records.

Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.

Have you got it?

I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On a Wednesday.

Have you got it?

So this is the latest attempt to deport...

-MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

-..Abu Qatada.

Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said,

"There is a real possibility he will abscond."

Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!)

Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition

and says she will be

"examining the processes and procedures used in Italy",

where they're much tougher -

any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.

Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend

who told them Qatada was a normal young man.

He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd.

So very normal, except with him

the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

This week also saw fresh revelations about the life of Osama Bin Laden.

According to one of his former mistresses,

he spent much of his spare time

"smoking cannabis and listening to The B-52s"...

as they droned overhead looking for him.

Paul and Graham, take a look at this...

Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go.

These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are.

"What the bloody hell's going on here?"

That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC.

You can't quite see what's happened.

Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go,

97 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago.

And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be.

So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics,

or as it's known in The Independent,

"The £11 billion tax-funded advertising campaign

"for some of the world's worst companies."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end?

Because they... Don't they hire people to go around and, erm...

Oh, it's something to do with... Oh, I don't know. I wish I'd...

LAUGHTER

-It's copyright, isn't it?

-That's right...

-Almost everything.

So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings.

-Yeah...

-In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic?

I think that's what's under there. They look like rings.

-Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring?

-I'm not allowed to.

If I did I would get sent to Jordan with...

MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME

No, the VT's pixellated

because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo

because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament

preventing misuse of Olympic logos.

Well, I mean, we could have got permission

but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops.

It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it?

Didn't they go into the toilets

and if you get one of those hand dryers

they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company

who do the hand dryers?

They're actually going to be doing that here, yes.

In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins...

And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored,

which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it?

-Why?

-She's brand.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

-A brand.

I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something.

She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak.

Also, the athletes aren't allowed to tweet.

There's, like, really hardcore guidelines

about what they're allowed to say on the internet about what they're doing.

Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water."

It has to be like, "I love super action mega water!"

Also, isn't there something about local businesses?

Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something,

that's been forced to change its name in case people think,

"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"

Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford

was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic

and he'd have to change the sign.

Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it.

So, according to the Newham Recorder...

-That's very good.

-Well, he's painted the O out.

So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value

and it's at...

-Now there's...

-Do you have to book?

You probably do now.

There are all sorts of restrictions about words you can and can't use

to do with the Olympics,

but have you noticed how else language is being manipulated?

-The British team is known as Team GB, is that right?

-That's right.

It's the naming of teams, really.

In the same way that the English Sport Council is now Sport England

and these, of course, are all slogans dreamt up by...

Wankers Marketing.

Little Chef were told

they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast.

No, really?

Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics.

Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast!

There it is.

Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner!

Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans -

or as I call it, the modern heptathlon!

Er, what about Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa?

He's been invited to the opening ceremony, what's he done?

-Is he the man in charge of Bahrain?

-He is indeed.

Yes, I expect he's been invited.

See if he can liven up the opening ceremony with a baton charge!

I'd certainly watch that!

"What this party needs is some tear gas, you know?"

Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation

to the opening ceremony?

It's me.

-Ah.

-Ah.

I'm going to be washing my hair!

Does that take all day?

I've no... Who can't come?

-The Who's drummer, Keith Moon.

-Oh, yes.

His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers

if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band,

despite having been dead for 34 years!

Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones!

Wouldn't put it past Keith, though.

Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it

that he was playing the drums

and he just starts kind of nodding, starts nodding off.

And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage

and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just kind of went...

Came back to life!

Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery.

They've also announced the Olympic motto. Do you know what it is?

-"Inspire a generation."

-It is. Indeed.

Unfortunately, "Reassuringly expensive" was already taken.

BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what?

Rings.

Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics

will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week.

Are you going to miss it, people?

-ALL RESPOND DREARILY:

-Yes.

GRAHAM: I found out... LAUGHTER

Do you want somewhere warm to stay for the night?

I found out that Diana died on Ceefax.

I still don't know how she died

because the second page hasn't loaded yet.

In other sporting news,

which internationally-respected world leader

will be in Aldershot this summer?

Is it the Dalai Lama?

It is indeed, yes.

Is he going to Aldershot to check out the firing ranges there?

Yeah, he's had a change of heart!

Erm, he'll be visiting the large Buddhist community of Gurkhas,

actually, at the military base,

when he will bless the pitch of lowly Aldershot Town,

who are struggling in League Two,

and where you can often hear the sound of one hand clapping!

If you thought that was a bad Buddhist joke, watch this one.

So, the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.

HE SPEAKS TO A TRANSLATOR

-Pizza?

-Pizza shop, yes.

-Yeah, pizza shop,

and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

HE MUTTERS

Oh, yes.

Do you know what I mean?

Can you make me... one with everything?

Oh.

INDISTINCT

Oh, I knew that wouldn't work.

He thinks he didn't understand it. He understood it!

This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start.

And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over.

And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy,

which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt.

The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent

different eras of British music. According to The Independent...

..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert.

And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun.

-HUMPHREY: So it is.

She's not the one holding the gun, though.

A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot.

-Hmm. Yeah.

-The name's Middleton.

-Was this in Paris?

We presume it's a mock gun.

It's unclear, because someone in the car

worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch.

Heckler & Koch?

LAUGHTER

That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic.

I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store.

-Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you?

-No.

At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful,

given the recent events in France.

He got this gun out from the glove compartment

while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi.

It was a sort of good-humoured threat.

"You might die."

What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real?

-Seven years.

-Seven years in prison for all parties involved.

-What, everyone in the car?!

-Yeah.

-Really?!

-Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now.

-"Really?!"

-That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa.

Apparently, the police have been ordered to

downscale the investigation after an intervention from London.

The case is being dealt with at, according to the Express...

So, way over Sarkozy's head, then.

This is the news that Pippa Middleton

has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun.

So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse.

Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed

to be running a saucy cake business.

He insists he's a self-made man and recently said...

Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then.

Speaking of cakes,

the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week

after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake.

The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women...

Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs.

Dogs have nothing to do and you think,

"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like,"

and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,

sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees,

dogs just look at it and dogs are happy.

It's DOGTV all the way.

It is indeed.

APPLAUSE

According to Sky News, DOGTV is an eight-hour block

-of on-demand cable TV programming...

-On demand by who?

A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind?

Before launching the channel,

scientists conducted HUNDREDS of hours of research

-into what dogs like to see and hear.

-Yes.

Any idea what they might have concluded?

They're fond of David Dimbleby, particularly Jack Russells.

They like him very much.

But the smaller the dog, the more they lean towards Andrew Marr.

I must say this about Andrew Marr, I've said it before,

so if you've heard it, ignore me,

but I love... There was a description of Andrew Marr that said

Andrew Marr looks like Martin Clunes with some of the air let out of him.

Any idea what programmes will appear on DOGTV?

Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title.

Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts.

-Britain's Got Lampposts?

-All right!

-Sorry!

-Are these real?

-No, they're not.

-What about Down Boy Abbey?

-Yeah, that's good.

Now, what should you do on your first DOGTV viewing,

according to the website?

Introduce your dog to the idea

that you have wasted an awful lot of money on this dog channel

and try and explain to the dog why you are superior being to it.

Yes, not far off. It says...

A few hours?! Right.

In other animal news, what's been ruining bees' dancing?

The wrong choreography.

-Is this pesticides?

-No. It's gravity.

-Gravity?

-Yes.

According to scientists at the University of Sussex,

it is playing havoc with bees' waggle runs.

Has gravity suddenly been introduced to the bee community?

They have not noticed it before?

-But do you know what a waggle run is, Ian?

-No, but I know what gravity is.

It's slightly more important, I would have thought.

Has gravity suddenly arrived? I thought we'd had it for centuries!

-It's gone up!

-What happened to the bloke and the apple.

-Isaac Newton?

The bloke with the apple? You went to Oxford and that's it?

Isaac Newton, the bloke with the apple?

Yeah. I am trying to make this programme accessible.

The dog channel takes its responsibilities very seriously.

Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing.

OK. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

HUMPHREY: It's Kim Jong-Un and his failed rocket test.

It is indeed.

I thought they'd let it off because it is 100 days to go until the Olympics.

Is that their entry for the javelin?

And why was the timing particularly bad

for North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un?

Well, it's bad news. He's just got the job as leader

of the world's most lunatic country

and his job is to prove that things work.

The first thing he does is light this thing which is fired from a bottle,

-it goes up in the air and then comes down again and blows up.

-That's right.

Normally, nobody would have known about it,

but for the fact that they let Western journalists in,

so when it went wrong,

he couldn't pretend to his people that it had worked.

They could have just called it a ground-to-sea missile.

Worked perfectly!

According to The Sun, North Korea...

Which it wasn't, but it was a threat to the West of North Korea.

Did the journalists get to see anything else in North Korea?

-There was some fantastic marching.

-Oh, yeah.

-You haven't got that, have you?

-OK.

And here we go, then, with goose-stepping footage.

-Fantastic!

-Imagine that coming down Streatham High Street.

They could do with that down Streatham High Street.

Do you know that Streatham High Road was voted

the most horrible road in the entire country?

-Was it really?

-Do you live in Streatham?

-I pass through there occasionally.

-Don't!

Don't even pass through there.

Sorry, is anyone from Streatham here?

Not a soul. It's a shithole, everyone.

This is North Korea's failed rocket launch.

North Korean authorities claimed the rocket was for space exploration,

and it was in fact carrying a dog,

but only because the chief scientist had left his lunch on board.

It's easy to feel sorry for the people of South Korea

sharing its northern border with a belligerent, chippy, angry nation

with their laughable overweight leader,

much like us and Scotland.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name.

That asterisk and that upside-down letter

should give you some idea what it is.

So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week

on whether to change its name.

Do you know what's prompted the name change?

Is it that the name is BLEEP?

It only became a problem during the Second World War

when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time.

Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name

for the village reinstated, which was Fugging.

And what's the potential problem with a name change?

GRAHAM: I don't fugging know.

According to the mayor, Franz Meindl...

APPLAUSE

In other small village news, how has Peter Burton been

rubbing the residents of Ireby in Lancashire up the wrong way?

He has...

And he's now telling residents not to park on the street

and to keep their driveways tidy.

You can buy titles for

such a small amount of money these days, can't you? £30.

I thought it was £250,000 and dinner with Cameron.

So the villagers have challenged the right of Peter Burton to be

the Lord of the Manor. Did they win?

Yes, I believe they did.

Well, his right to use this ridiculous name was

overturned by a land registry official, Mr Brilliant.

Made director of a load of companies just on the basis of your name.

Blair again!

So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week

on whether to change its name.

The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in

by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse

in the Swiss village of Wank.

Mr Stoll added...

Single rooms only, of course.

OK, time now for the odd one out round.

Ian and Humphrey, your four are Mitt Romney's dog,

a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable,

a pheasant in Gloucestershire

and a traffic cop in Vietnam.

Well, that poster -

"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!"

That was on the side of a bus -

or it was going to be and then Boris banned it.

-Yeah.

-That traffic cop, there was a story about him

jumping on a bus, trying to give it a ticket.

So he was on the side of a bus.

Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus.

No, he went on a bus, the dog.

Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car

and drove it many hundreds of miles.

So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle.

Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics.

I think this pheasant is one of those birds

that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln

or something like that. I think it's a regular thing.

The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle.

-We were getting there!

-Hey! We get first dibs.

-You're all right. Yes, it's...

Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on!

I wish it was.

-Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg.

-Really?

Yeah, face-down on Hackney Marshes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant.

But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan.

-Manh Phan?

-Manh Phan. I know.

Talking of gay buses.

"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN."

Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted

clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam.

Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action?

-ALL: Oh, yes.

-Yes. Here we go.

It looks like an On The Buses/Dad's Army mash-up.

Did anyone catch what he was shouting there?

"Stop filming me."

"When is the next request stop?"

According to The Times, he was heard yelling...

A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip

after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill.

The pheasant has made a full recovery.

OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle

apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign,

which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads,

having always been a champion of gay women,

or as he calls them, a challenge.

Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car

with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff!

Sorry.

In a similar incident, George W Bush

also put his dog on the roof before travelling.

Sadly, that was on Air Force One.

A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen

clinging to the front of a speeding bus.

Here he is, as we've seen.

The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong

and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan.

It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly.

Yeah... Yeah.

Paul and Graham, here's yours.

Toad of Toad Hall,

female racegoers at Aintree,

Ronaldo da Silva

and Charles Genevieve Louis August Andre Timothee

d'Eon de Beaumont.

-Is this about enthusiasm?

-No.

I think this is to do with dressing up as a woman,

because Toad escaped from prison

dressed in washerwoman's clothes,

because he had been banged up for driving

and he tried to blame his wife.

Da Silva, I think he escaped from a prison

very recently by dressing up as a woman.

This man was an 18th-century transvestite.

I read a piece about him recently. I have very eclectic reading tastes.

Um, and those girls are dressed up as women.

I'm three quarters of the way there.

I think the girls, because they are meant to be dressed like that,

and the men, they dressed up in the sex of the other person.

-Yeah, you have pretty much got that. Well done.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

It's that they've all passed themselves as women,

apart from female racegoers at Aintree, who ARE women.

Merseyside police constable PC Crawford is under investigation

after launching a Facebook tirade

against women attending Ladies' Day at Aintree.

He said...

You were right also on Charles de Beaumont,

better known as the Chevalier d'Eon.

Would you like to see the Chevalier at his feminine best?

-ALL: Yes.

-Here he is dressed as a woman.

HUMPHREY: A touch Chris Tarrant.

Drug smuggler Ronaldo da Silva

broke out of prison dressed in his wife's clothes. Shall we have a look at him?

-Phwoar!

-He is better than the Chevalier, isn't he?

There's a bit of Nancy Dell'Olio there!

They have all passed themselves off as women

apart from the female racegoers at Aintree, who ARE women,

but, according to PC David Crawford, are certainly not ladies.

Some of the ladies' footwear wasn't very practical

for the wet and windy conditions at Aintree.

In fact, two women twisted their ankles and had to be put down.

Brazilian drug trafficker Ronaldo da Silva

escaped prison last week dressed as a woman.

According to the director of the prison in Brazil...

Well, that's a Brazilian for you.

Kenneth Grahame's creation, a big rat,

a little toad and a fussy old badger driving a car too fast

and crashing, was, of course, the inspiration for Top Gear.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication Blaze,

the lighter magazine.

If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier.

And we start with...

HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night.

-GRAHAM: Chocolate.

-What? Hexagonal nut chocolate?

Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually.

Next...

HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44.

GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom.

This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight, who bought an umbrella hat

on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes.

According to The Sun, he was going to...

Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat.

GRAHAM: TARDIS in prostitute cards.

This is a series of e-mails between the makers of Doctor Who

and Cardiff Council that have been released.

Producers once told local councillors...

To which they replied,

"Why not just on when the pubs close on Friday night?"

GRAHAM: "What the hell am I doing with my life?"

After a while, you ask, "Can't I have the 16V Ronson?"

And finally...

Ann Widdecombe!

What news does he have of life beyond the veil?

-Golden wheels.

-Golden wheels?

-Yes.

"Run into the light!" "I can't!"

After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave.

This story has upset a lot of children,

but if you're watching, kids, please don't worry,

it can't happen with Jimmy Savile.

It's very easy to do.

Our children had a guinea pig, which I thought had died.

It was cold, rigor mortis had set in. I went into the garden.

I obviously did a full ceremony.

-Was the Archbishop of Canterbury there?

-He was.

Then we lowered the guinea pig in and it started twitching.

It's a miracle, obviously, took it back, put it on the boiler,

warmed him up, he lived in the year.

I just offer that as proof that this is not a silly story.

This is yet another example of how wonderful the world can be.

So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five

and Ian and Humphrey have seven.

Another terrific win!

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

It's a freeze-frame!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Thank you very much!

David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker,

Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.

I leave you with news that the Japanese government

announces that, after the meltdown,

the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant

are once more full of salmon.

Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot,

there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.

And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar,

there are concerns that Miss December

may not get past the censors.

Good night!

PRODUCER: "And it's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz."

Just in an upbeat manner. Are you all right with that?

In an upbeat manner? What, me?

Oh, dear!