Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains very strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Damian Lewis.

In the news this week... In a local branch of Waterstones,

one customer is disappointed

to discover that they have no more copies of the latest Razzle annual.

In London, engineers working on the Crossrail tunnel

fear they may have veered a bit too close to the surface.

And after describing David Cameron and George Osborne

as "arrogant posh boys who are out of touch", Nadine Dorries

is invited to discuss the matter over a kitchen supper at Number Ten.

It's still going!

With Ian tonight is a naturalist

and broadcaster who has been seen on Springwatch, Autumnwatch

and if he lurks round in people's gardens much longer - Crimewatch.

-Please welcome Chris Packham.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, a Scottish comedian who grew up in Glasgow,

then worked as a lawyer in America with convicts on death row,

though they still had a longer life expectancy than people in Glasgow.

Please welcome Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Susan, please take a look at this.

Oh, yes, this is our friend Jeremy, Jeremy Hunt.

He's got into a lot of bother there.

This is a rather subtle allusion to the fact that he regarded himself

as a cheerleader for the Murdoch empire.

There are people with puppet heads, James Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch.

And there's the kiss from Judas!

Yes, I'm a bit embarrassed about this because Jeremy what's his name

came to my show in Edinburgh a couple of years ago.

A member of my audience wouldn't deliberately mislead anybody,

so I'm quite willing to believe everything he says.

-That's you and David Cameron?

-Yes.

If the Prime Minister thinks he's OK, that's good enough for me.

I'm quite naive about these things.

The Prime Minister's had a very good track record.

-Andy Coulson was OK.

-He was all right, wasn't he?

-Yeah.

-Till he wasn't.

-Until he wasn't.

What's your reading of the situation, Mr Hislop?

Do you know, I don't think

the Government come out very well out of this.

It does appear that they were so far up Mr Murdoch's bottom,

you couldn't see any of their heads.

This is the Leveson inquiry, and it was a shocking day.

Mr Hunt was the Culture Secretary, in charge of the bid for BSkyB,

and yet his office

was giving information all the way through to the Murdochs.

Why hasn't he gone?

Well, he's there as a firewall, isn't he?

If he goes, Mr Cameron is looking very shaky.

It's like that thing of when everybody gets annoyed with each other

and they end up kicking the dog.

-James Hunt has dismissed his private adviser.

-James Hunt?!

LAUGHTER

Why am I asking this man?

He's got no idea.

He's mixed a Formula 1 racing driver with the Culture Secretary.

Mind you, if you're going to get his name wrong, best to get his first name wrong rather than his second.

I think I was trying hard not to get his second name wrong.

You're all right in the zone.

This is the news that the Leveson Inquiry

has finally perked up at long last.

What do you mean, finally perked up?

There have been some notably excellent...witness statements.

You turned up in the happy position of having nothing to hide.

Yeah, but I had no idea it was going to get this good.

Murdoch today - selective amnesia.

Fabulous! The medics must be having a field day.

"Can you remember anything about phone hacking?" "No."

"Can you remember how badly all the politicians have behaved?"

"Yeah, I bloody well can!"

It's a one-man show, this.

So what's emerged about the Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt,

-and a SPAD called Adam Smith?

-It's just that thing

where you sack the person below you. Jeremy Hunt sacks him,

Cameron will sack Jeremy Hunt and then we'll sack Cameron.

And everyone will be happy.

Difficult to believe that Jeremy Hunt doesn't know anything

from his special adviser.

The explanation is that it was just one rogue adviser.

It's a Channel 5 movie in the making, isn't it?

Rogue Special Adviser!

You could take over the part of Adam Smith.

I don't know if you would like it? There's less nudity.

I do like to be nude if I can be.

I know, I've watched Homeland.

I'll never watch it again with my mother after the first episode.

-Is she in it?

-No! It was just quite a shock

when I watched it. I've seen more of Damian's body

than I have of any man in my life, to be honest.

-It's lovely.

-Yeah?

-Well done.

LAUGHTER

I feel very honoured.

APPLAUSE

In the cache of e-mails - you know, "What does Mr Hunt think?" -

there seems to be a tiny moment where it's not going Murdoch's way.

So there's another e-mail saying,

"Rebekah Brooks has rung up the Chancellor, George Osborne."

So they've just gone over his head.

It is quite shocking in its way. Aren't you shocked?

-I'm terribly shocked.

-You watch badgers most of the time.

I've been watching too many badgers this week. I've clearly missed

something absolutely intriguing on the television.

I'm amazed how assiduously you've obviously watched this.

It's giving you a great deal of trouble, isn't it?

This is what interests me.

I mean, you watch the foxes and say, "Look, he's going in the hole".

And then you sit there for three and a half months and say,

"Look, he's coming out again".

I've got to be honest with you.

When the fox comes out, it's not the same fox, and we just lie about it.

What's French Fred?

He's the PR man who is working for Murdoch,

-who is writing half of these e-mails.

-That's right.

And by way of illustration, here's an e-mail from Frederic Michel

to his boss, James Murdoch, sent on November 15th, 2010.

After being congratulated by Monsieur Michel

on a job well done on the television,

how did Jeremy Hunt respond?

Treat us. There's so many goodies.

And now, career practically over, he can have a coffee whenever he likes.

One e-mail brought gasps from people at the Leveson Inquiry

when it was read out by Robert Jay. I love Robert Jay, QC.

I'm developing a bit of man love for him.

It's the way he goes through the tabs, isn't it?

"I believe this is...bundle 38.

"Tab seven".

("You lying bastard").

So yes, it brought gasps and Frederic Michel,

he told James Murdoch he had...

On the sort of thing Jeremy Hunt

would be announcing to Parliament the following day, adding...

I think that's supposed to be a wink.

I thought it was the smiley face to start with.

It means "more than" in the field of science.

-So they knew it was more than illegal.

-Yes.

It could be a high-speed train knocking over a lamppost.

That's part of modern life now, isn't it?

If you put a LOL at the end of something, it means it's funny.

"I'm going to come and kill you in your sleep, LOL."

A bit worrying if your name is Lol.

How did James Murdoch respond

when this was read out to him at the Leveson Inquiry?

He said it was a joke, but given that he is a Dalek, um...

I mean, he talks purely in management speak.

He sort of pours bullshit on everything

until there's nothing understandable left and everyone wants to die.

Don't ever do his PR.

"He's great, he pours bullshit over everything

"and then everybody wants to die.

"Book him!"

Great after-dinner speech. You'll never get to the dessert.

Anyway, the idea that he could spot a joke made me laugh.

I don't know, I think he's got a very good sense of humour.

There he is.

How has Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt

answered calls for his inevitable resignation?

He stuck his fingers in his ears and said "I can't hear you"?

He claims to have handled the matter with...

And has warned against knee-jerk reactions.

Talking of reactions and jerks,

what has Ed Miliband been saying about the Culture Minister?

Let's have a look.

He was providing advice,

guidance and privileged access to News Corporation.

He was being a back channel for the Murdochs.

Sounds unpleasant.

Although ironically,

almost the opposite of the name he's usually called.

Let's remind ourselves of that one more time, shall we?

First up after the news, we'll be talking to Jeremy Cunt -

er, Hunt, the Culture Secretary, about...

HE COUGHS

..broadband.

It's eight o'clock on Monday 6th December.

American officials have condemned Wikileaks

after the website published a list of hundreds of facilities

said to be vital for American security.

(VOICE SHAKES) Every community in Britain...

SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

..the fastest...broadband networks within five years.

Excuse me.

He's not a Glaswegian, is he?

No, I don't think so, but the Scots can say the c-word

-particularly well.

-With maximum impact.

It's a term of endearment.

It's in the marriage vows in Glasgow.

It is. It is.

According to a journalist who worked for Murdoch's Wall Street Journal,

how did Jeremy Hunt avoid being seen

arriving for a private dinner with James Murdoch?

He hid behind a tree.

That's right.

So James Murdoch did tell the inquiry

that he definitely did discuss

the proposed takeover of BSkyB with David Cameron

at a Christmas party at Rebekah Brooks' house in December 2010,

something David Cameron has always denied.

Although Murdoch said it wasn't...

More of a...

Something like "Will it go through, David?" "Yes, James".

"Mince pie?" "Lovely".

Meanwhile, what did Rupert

contribute to the Leveson Inquiry yesterday and today?

He basically shafted all the prime ministers of this country for the last 40 years.

He said they were all pathetic, they all sucked up to him.

There was a fascinating point when he insinuated

that Gordon Brown was slightly mad,

and he declared war on the Murdochs.

No-one else has suggested that.

If you want a Fife man declaring war on you,

it would sound quite aggressive.

Scottish people can sound aggressive without meaning it.

That's the problem.

For example, if I said "THAT'S a pretty baby",

that just sounds aggressive.

I mean, as you say,

a hard Scottish accent can sound aggressive.

Other accents, for example a Midlands accent, you know,

it's impossible to convey any sense of drama in a Midlands accent.

(BRUMMIE ACCENT) "Oh, no, the building's on fire".

There's no sense of drama or emergency.

Finally, at long last, who wants to see a lingering shot

of former News Of The World chief reporter Neville Thurlbeck,

he of the infamous "for Neville" e-mails, on Newsnight?

You should have a look at this.

Joining us now, Neville Thurlbeck, the former News Editor

and Chief Reporter at the News Of The World.

He is now the PR manager for Talking To Minds, a PTSD charity.

Neville Thurlbeck was arrested over allegations of his involvement

in phone hacking and is bailed until next month.

Mr Sinister's in the building.

This is the appearance of the Murdochs at the Leveson Inquiry,

which heaped more pressure on Jeremy Hunt, the Culture Secretary,

or if you're watching the repeat, the former Culture Secretary.

Or if you're watching on Dave in a year's time,

the executive director of BSkyB.

APPLAUSE

The story dominated the front pages on Wednesday.

The Mirror went with...

The Telegraph went with...

The Guardian went with...

And the Sun went with...

Although to be fair, it was an amazing game.

-Ian, you're a Tottenham fan, aren't you?

-Very much.

So if Chelsea win...

The big thing tonight...

Not tonight.

May 24th.

-..That'll be terrible for us.

-Yeah, OK.

I mean, we and I will be gutted...

-If we, if we don't do what you said.

-Yeah.

Must remind me not to ask you about football again.

In his evidence...

You might as well ask Rich...Rupert...Richard Murdoch?!

Richard Murdoch, he was a very fine comedian in the 1930s.

-He's a friend of James Hunt!

-In his evidence

to the Leveson Inquiry, Rupert Murdoch recalled a conversation with Gordon Brown, who told him...

At which point, Tony Blair perked up and said "Did someone mention war?"

Ian and Chris, take a look at this one.

-That's Nadine.

-Nadine Dorries.

Don't remember who that is.

-Or him.

-They're the posh boys who don't know the price of milk.

This was an embarrassment for Osborne

because his father's going to buy an elaborate desk.

Oh, and it's the Bay City Rollers.

The Bay City Rollers were at their prime in 1975,

and things haven't been worse since 1975.

-For them?

-For some of them, because some of them are no longer with us.

Yeah, but that's a bit of a downer, so let's get back to the recession.

It is a double dip,

-and it's very depressing.

-The Dutch government's disappeared.

Lots of right-wing activity in the French elections.

The price of the euro's gone down.

Instability in the eurozone. Not good for our economy.

All of that piled on top has got to be bad news...

I can see a wasteland, with only foxes.

Left to roam, gnawing at the remains...

The last of the Bay City Rollers.

You're absolutely right. It's about the shambolic week

for David Cameron and the Coalition Government.

The BBC weren't trying to influence our feelings at all either way

when they interviewed a Northern Irish businessman who said...

That was a man called...

The Tories are doing so badly,

they're under fire from their own side. Nadine Dorries,

who we just saw, describes herself as a council estate Scouser,

but how did she describe David Cameron and George Osborne?

Two posh boys who don't know the price of milk.

I think it's pathetic to bring class into it.

I mean, take any two posh boys and you'll find, Damian, that, er...

Pretty much the price of milk, we know.

I'm arrogant and I don't know the price of milk, but I'm not that posh.

You're an Old Etonian, though, aren't you?

Correctomundo.

I can't discuss the back channel.

No, we've already done that. Funnily enough,

-I wasn't going there.

-You're filthy.

David Cameron recently described Eton as a fabulous school.

What is so fantastic about it?

About the school? You get to wear really snazzy clothes.

So did the Ku Klux Klan, but...

-Can I ask you something, Damian?

-Please.

You had dinner in the White House with David Cameron

-and Barack Obama.

-Yes.

-Yet you are a member of Al-Qaeda.

I found myself in a three-way conversation with Mr Warren Buffett,

who was sitting on my left, and the President of the United States,

who was sitting opposite me, about the economy.

We talked about it for a bit.

You can all sleep easy in your beds tonight. Fixed a few things.

David Cameron sat down and just went, "Yah, Barack, golf,

"yeah, I think you'd take me.

"But tennis, Barack, I think I'd take you".

Obama had been looking down at his food and he looked up and said,

"Oh, really, David? Well, we have a few hours tomorrow morning

"if you want to put it to the test."

Really steely. I was getting on a plane

the next morning at 7.30, and I was sharing this anecdote with Mr George Osborne.

The things you see when you haven't got your gun!

He looked at me and went, "Guess where they are now?

"Thrashing it out on the tennis court at 7.30am." History doesn't relate who won.

So at an official dinner where he could have had opportunities

to talk about important things, he talked about tennis,

and at a Christmas party where they weren't meant to talk about things,

they talked about the potential takeover of BSkyB.

Thank God he's got things the right way round.

The thing is, if I was sitting next to somebody called Warren Buffett,

I'd have to keep making jokes about his name without him realising.

"Is that your finger, Buffett?"

"Are you feeling a bit hot, Buffett?"

You know... "Have you done much travelling, Buffett?"

I wouldn't stop all night.

That would be me well happy.

Cameron says he does know the price of a pint of milk.

-What did he price it at?

-57p.

What do you think the price of milk is?

I believe it's three and sixpence.

And it comes from a delightful little man in the village.

Of course, we have our own cow.

Milk doesn't come in pints any more, it comes in litres.

I don't be the one to break it to you,

but there are still pints of milk out there.

-Are there?

-There are.

-I don't know how much they cost either,

-I can tell you that.

-I could sell you one for £5.

Cameron says he pays just under 50p for his pints. He says...

"Yes, lovely family!"

David Cameron tried to restate his aims and beliefs

on the Today programme. He said...

Do we know anybody who's anti those things?

Because nobody's anti get up and go, apart from undertakers.

George Osborne's also been embarrassed this week. Why?

He looked in the mirror?

I don't know, why was he embarrassed?

Because of his father.

His father was planning to buy a ghastly desk

at auction from Sotheby's or Christie's.

A photograph appeared in the papers of a terribly ornate thing,

not terribly practical. Nowhere to put a PC.

Do you know what Peter Osborne's full title is, anyone?

Sir Peter Osborne?

Where's Ballintaylor and Ballylemon?

Are they like Narnia? Is this made up?

Ballylemon's in the fridge.

And the Ballintaylor's just down the road. I got this suit cut there.

What's Ed Miliband been doing recently?

Trying.

Oh, he tries his best.

God loves a trier. God bless him.

This is just going to break your heart.

He's been watching his poll ratings soar.

Labour now have a 13% lead over the Tories, which must be

a confidence booster for the Labour leader, but watch this.

-Could we get a photo with David?

-Is that OK?

-David? Who's that?

This man right here.

Hello, Ed Miliband, nice to meet you.

Ed Miliband.

This is another bad week for the Tories.

Nadine Dorries accused David Cameron of not even knowing

the price of milk, to which Cameron retorted...

That price will no doubt double once Francis Maude starts a milk panic.

"Put the milk back into cows," demands Francis Maude.

"It's the safest place for it," says twit.

"Have jerry cans full of milk in your garage."

"Mix it with petrol and make it go further."

Also this week,

George Osborne's father was in trouble

for revealing a list of extravagant purchases.

Tim Bell, Mrs Thatcher's old PR man, was asked to comment.

He said, from the gold-plated gondola of his airship.

And so to round two, the News Of The Swirled.

That's brilliant.

Here's a cleverly distorted picture of swirly news.

Buzz when you know what it is.

BUZZER

I don't know who he is, but there has recently been

a suggestion that we could mine gold from meteorites from outer space.

Things flying around have got loads of gold in them

and if we can capture them, we can get free gold,

although It's not very practical.

His head's too big for his body, for a start,

and he's in outer space and can't breathe.

And the axe doesn't look like it'll do anything.

-We've got a real scientist here.

-It's asteroids.

They think they can build a craft to mine the asteroids

and all sorts of people have bought into it, people with lots of money.

-Who is this?

-It's James Cameron who's behind this crazy scheme.

I would be a bit concerned about James Cameron's plans,

because James Cameron did direct Aliens.

I'm not saying it's real. I know Homeland's not real. Nice body.

LAUGHTER

What I am saying is that this could be the start of something

pretty bad, right?

So my vote is, let's not go and mine anywhere

where we don't know what's going on.

People from England very rarely come to Scotland,

never mind go to outer space, so let's not go there.

That's a conspiracy.

They're a company called Planetary Resources Inc,

which in addition to James Cameron, has the support

of Google billionaires Larry Page and Eric Schmidt.

Are they going to set up a haven there

on an asteroid and claim it's offshore,

or off Earth, so they have to pay no tax at all ever again?

Peter Diamandis is involved. Last month, he told Forbes magazine...

"It's a grand life, to be sure, Pete, working down't space pits."

Apologies to anyone from Yorkshire in the audience.

I thought it was Zimbabwe. Yorkshire?!

What's stopping us mining the hell out of it right now?

It's not practical.

-There's one major drawback, yes.

-Asteroids are in space.

The drawback is...

It's meant to cheer us up, the idea that OK,

the national debt's £1 trillion,

but there's trillions and trillions just up there, so cheer up.

So we could watch it whizzing past us.

Finally, does anyone know which asteroid

scientists have labelled as their first contender for pouncing upon?

I have no idea.

It will fly within 2.4 million miles of Earth in 2021.

So have your wallets open at the top of a high stepladder.

Be ready. Yes, this is the plan to extract minerals

from passing asteroids. According to the Guardian...

Nice thought, but Superdrug are doing three for two.

According to the Daily Mail...

Yes, ever since cannabis was first smoked.

Right, fingers on the buzzers, please, teams.

BUZZER

This is a really serious story, actually, and should be treated

with a great amount of seriousness. The boy band, One Direction,

on a visit to Australia, held a koala.

That's not the serious part of it.

The koala urinated...

..on One Direction.

In one direction, or on One Direction?

In all directions on One Direction?

They were then told the shocking statistic

that 80% of koalas have chlamydia.

There is therefore a real and present danger that One Direction,

top boy band, will have contracted...

chlamydia from a koala.

Is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

Any idea, how does a koala get chlamydia?

For the very first time?

Well, you have to look to human interference, really.

It is Australia we're talking about, after all.

I guess some of those bacteriological and viral infections

will cross from species to species, but I can't think of finer people

to get a sexually transmitted disease

than those three... brilliant musicians.

Like how Cortes eliminated an entire generation of the new Americas.

Well, we live in hope, then, don't we?

I'm not sure, but I think that's advocating genocide, isn't it?

Simon Cowell, the man behind One Direction, has been in the news. Why?

A biography has been produced.

Sweet Revenge, The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell, has been released.

What do we learn from Simon Cowell's book?

I'll give you a clue - clingfilm.

I thought of something, but I don't think it's right to say it.

According to The Sun...

-Squeeze him into a tube?

-He's turned into toothpaste.

He went to a doctor afterwards

wearing nothing but clingfilm wrapped around his body.

The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see your nuts".

This is the story from Australia

that members of the boy band One Direction

may have caught a disease from a koala. There was a moment

of confusion when singer Harry Styles announced,

"Guys, I've picked up chlamydia,

"the lesser known sister of Kylie and Dannii".

The incident took place during a photo session.

Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle

the dopey but cute looking creatures,

the koalas said, "Yeah, why not"?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

I'm hoping this is Chris's moment.

-Oh, my goodness me.

-What type of penguin is it?

It's a penguin that should be in South America

or in South Africa, by the looks of it, not an Australian one.

So there's a zoological inaccuracy.

There is a sort of heist involved.

Did someone steal a penguin, and then they found the penguin

-in a canal or a park?

-Or a beach.

-Or a beach?

One of those three.

Or another answer?

It's so improbable, it's right.

This is the news that three British tourists in Australia, again,

have been charged with stealing a penguin named Dirk.

Did they dress up as nuns and pretend he was a nun as well?

Three nuns and a little nun walking along the road?

If I was going to steal a penguin, I'd put a wig on it

and a dress and pretend it was my child.

And I would just walk out, bold as you like. "Come on, Cynthia."

-And off we'd pop with a penguin.

-There's a joke about a man walking down the street with a penguin,

and a policeman says "You should take that to the zoo", and he says

"I've been to the zoo, I'm taking him to the pictures now. I remember that from school."

-They broke into SeaWorld.

-SeaWorld?

-Oh, I know a good story.

-Go on.

There was a dolphin that had spent some time injured, and it was in

one of these wildlife parks in Florida

where they teach them to do the trick where they bounce up on their tail

and go backwards, which they don't do in the wild.

This dolphin was released back into the wild, and about two months later,

they saw a whole pack of dolphins all doing this trick,

and they'd learnt it from this one dolphin saying "Look what I can do."

I love the idea of a dolphin coming back to the sea

and going, "Have a look at this."

It's a nice story.

-It's a great story.

-They're very intelligent.

We don't know how intelligent they are.

Have you swum with dolphins?

I have, yeah. They're not that intelligent at all.

But they have a voice, which is really neat.

So each dolphin knows the other dolphin

-because it has its own voice.

-Can you do a dolphin sound?

Aa.

What's the response?

Aoow.

Dolphin sounds.

They broke into SeaWorld, these three lads,

on Queensland's Gold Coast.

According to the Mail..

Canals are dangerous in Australia.

How could this penguin have protected itself, possibly?

If it was my daughter, Cynthia, I would...

I would have taught Cynthia the basics of self-defence,

which is, as we all know, if it's a gentleman that abducts you,

always go for the groin and the eyes with your car keys.

Glad you mentioned self-defence, because...

Dirk might also have taken a lesson from a Slovakian hamster.

What, in woodwork?

Here is said Slovakian hamster squaring up to a dog.

And here he is, doing his best Bruce Lee impression.

Visions of Wendi Deng flying across the room.

Chris, I've got to ask you,

didn't you come out in defence of the urban fox this week?

I did, yeah. They're doing very well.

We Brits don't like success terribly, do we,

so as soon as an animal starts to succeed in spite of us

and prosper, we seem to think we have to reach for the rifle.

You're converting me to flies, because they do incredibly well,

and I think we're just jealous of them as a species.

I'm beginning to feel guilt for all those times

I thought "bloody fly", and hit it just because I'm stupidly wasting food.

Surely you can keep a fly off your food without needing to swat it.

Haven't you got one of those lacy things you put over your sandwiches?

No, obviously not. I've got a chap who does that.

It is now time for the odd one out round.

Just one between you this week.

The Queen, Chris Packham,

a cabbage and - oh, Nick Brody.

That's me in juvenile plumage.

This is a Jubilee thing.

-I'm punk rocking it with the Sex Pistols in '77.

-Weren't we all?

No, it's obvious. They're all members of Al-Qaeda.

All of them working for the inside,

and fortunately, someone is on to them.

Secrecy is closer than where you have been.

They all send secret signals, apart from Chris Packham,

who secretly shoehorned lyrics from over 30 songs by The Smiths

into his Springwatch appearances.

-Did you really?

-Here he is, doing it. It's unbelievable.

What Difference Does It Make?

What a Handsome Devil he is.

Frankly, Mr Shankly...

It's a case of Big Mouth Strikes Again.

..As it were, when The Queen Is Dead.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before.

Sweet And Tender Hooligan.

Do you have any mates at all?

No, not really. Last Night I Dreamt Someone Loved Me.

APPLAUSE

Scientists in Exeter have discovered that wounded cabbages

-send secret warning messages to neighbouring cabbages.

-Wounded?

A wounded cabbage?

It might have been told it's not very attractive.

Emotionally scarred cabbages.

-Do you know how they might send this message?

-They release pheromones.

All sorts of trees do this to stop insects from attacking them.

They prepare the plant, and the adjacent plant,

which catches a whiff of these chemicals,

then pumps something less edible into its tissues.

In the experiment...

Is this a joke?

CHRIS: No.

Seriously, if you're telling me that in the fruit and veg section,

the cabbages specifically are going "Watch out, she's back again",

I find that really, really disturbing.

Cabbages are warning each other

that we're approaching?

What do we have to do, sneak up on the cabbages?

According to an excerpt in the Mirror from a book

called 60 Glorious Years,

the Queen uses her handbag to send signals to her aides.

-Any ideas what signals she sends?

-"I've had enough of this."

Then she picks up her handbag and starts swinging it around and around.

If she wants to leave a dinner in five minutes:

And if she sees Bruce Forsyth approaching,

she puts it over her head and holds her breath.

The last caption is Nick Brody, who sent secret signals to Al-Qaeda

in Homeland by twitching his fingers,

or so one is led to believe.

-Is this a television programme?

-Apparently.

-What's it shown on?

-It's on Channel 4.

-Is it?

-At nine o'clock every Sunday night.

-Is it?

-And I always get ready.

LAUGHTER

They all send secret signals apart from Chris Packham,

who secretly shoehorned lyrics

from over 30 songs by The Smiths into his Springwatch appearances,

but they weren't a signal, they were done for a bet.

He would have included...

but they'd already been said by the badger being gassed.

According to the Mirror, the Queen's handbag includes...

Well, I say photos. A few tenners and a book of stamps.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publications Absolute Horse.

There's another one called Relative Horse.

Is there one for the cattle industry called Absolute Bull, by any chance?

We start with...

Something to do with solar storms.

Camilla's the name of this small, dodgy-looking probe.

I think you'll find she's married to the heir to the throne.

I thought it was sent into space to amuse Her Majesty the Queen.

I thought it was part of the celebration.

We should all be able to look at the sky and see her orbiting the Earth,

with her arse on fire as she goes through the atmosphere.

Maybe that's the climax of the Olympic opening ceremony,

Camilla being fired out of a rocket.

The Olympic flame lights this enormous rocket.

It's "Find solar storm", something like that.

That's pretty close.

American students have sent a rubber chicken on a giant helium balloon

120,000 feet into space to photograph a solar radiation storm.

According to The Guardian...

It means nothing to us,

but to the insect world, it was their Challenger.

Next.

"For as long as no-one's looking," says Murdoch.

This is from Absolute Horse magazine.

The March edition features horse makeovers,

how to look good neigh-ked.

Next.

Tequila? Chilli. Being Mexican. Escaping across the border.

Is it being under 18?

-Standing next to Rupert Murdoch.

-Burritos. Mexican food.

-Chilli beans.

-Keep going.

-What else is there? Guacamole.

-Yes! Guacamole.

This is from research conducted in Mexico which,

according to the Times, is...

In a parallel study,

they also claimed drinking tequila boosts your IQ

and wearing a sombrero makes you look sexy.

And finally...

Declared World Heritage Site.

Is attacked by prankster with balloon.

That's right.

Let's have a look.

Somebody rubbed a balloon and there's static electricity. That's fantastic.

Apparently, he was furious.

If there's one thing he hates, it's his hair being made to look stupid.

So, the final scores are,

Ian and Chris have seven,

Paul and Susan squeaking by with eight.

APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Chris Packham, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.

And I leave you with news that Olympic organisers admit

it was a mistake to allow official sponsors John West

to design the media centre.

As her car is impounded, a motorist is adamant

she had another day left on her parking permit.

And in BBC TV Centre, an assassin realises time is fast running out,

as his target approaches a flight of stairs.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

I might enrol a fox as a special adviser.

Put him in charge of the chickens.

When you say a fox, do you mean someone like Theresa May?

Is that your definition of a fox, Damian?

I'm in with a right shout with you, then.

He's been in prison in a hole for eight years.

Why, thank you, Ian,

that makes me feel much better.