Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Kathy Burke. In the news this week,

as the Eurovision Song Contest approaches,

the BBC eagerly unveil Engelbert Humperdinck's backing dancers...

At an exclusive optician's in Harley Street,

one regular customer inspects his new monocle.

And in Hyde Park,

a helicopter company regrets sending an attractive female pilot

to give an aerial tour of London to Boris Johnson.

On Ian's team tonight is a former Mayor of London

who just lost a bruising contest with Boris Johnson.

He's also the first guest this show has ever had

whose fee has had to be paid direct to the Cayman Islands.

Please welcome Ken Livingstone!

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian and actor

who admits he hasn't led a very interesting life,

and in a recent interview said, "While other people have been climbing Everest,

"I've been sorting out me wardrobe."

Throw all the nice clothes out, then, did you(?)

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

APPLAUSE

OK. And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

-Paul and Joe, would you take a look at this, please?

-Be thrilled to.

-Oh!

-JOE: Slow-motion morris dancing?

Yes. The Greeks have to live on a slower time than the rest of us.

This is the French Presidential elections. He's on his way out.

He's on his way in, and it rained throughout his entire day.

His plane was struck by lightning,

represented by this cartoon characterisation from the 1920s

and there he is, at the end of a successful day...

having no idea which way to go.

It's not a great bit of footage from your first day, is it?

When your Presidential campaign was,

"I won't be pushed around by the Germans!"

He was late, which is why I think Mrs Merkel was pretty firm with him.

Turn up late, don't know which side of the carpet to walk on...

He was wet, late and French.

Sounds like somewhere in Soho.

Well, you work there...

This is the first day in power for Francois Hollande

and the growing chaos in the eurozone.

-He had a crap first day, didn't he, really?

-Yeah.

You shouldn't be that busy, your first day at work, should you?

You should ease yourself in.

Get shown round the office, send your mates a few e-mails

going, "Yeah, it's all right."

Have a late lunch. Not fly him over to Germany, sort out the EU crisis.

-No, not

-straight away. Ease him in with a bit of filing.

-Exactly.

-Find out how the office works.

-Exactly. A bit much.

-Then it rained on him, didn't it?

-It did. Let's have a look.

Here he is being rained on in the open-top car. Very nice.

Here he is being rained on as he lays a wreath.

And here he is standing underneath

the least efficient umbrella in France.

Perhaps they're having a drought like we are.

He went to the airport to fly to Germany, SOAKED.

Perhaps Angela gave him a rub-down when he got there.

Do you know something we don't?

There was a lot of kissing in the inauguration.

I wish I'd known. I'd have got the Eurostar over.

Big triumph for the Left, Ken, wasn't it?

Seems like the Left is winning everywhere. Except London.

Why is it, whenever I lose an election, they put me on your team?

Every other time, I'm on Paul's.

Cos they want you to feel like a winner.

KEN: I don't think we won last time.

Shall I get on with it?

-Yeah!

-Well, it's about Hollande, actually.

He began his first day in office

with the handing over of power from Sarkozy.

So, here they are together, but can you tell which one's Sarkozy?

KEN: The 3-inch heels suggest

that might be the diminutive former President of France.

-You enjoyed saying that, didn't you?

-Hmm. Oh, he was a ghastly horror.

Are you all open and honest now?

I've always thought he was a ghastly horror.

OK. Ed Miliband?

Lovely man.

LAUGHTER, SOME APPLAUSE

What livened things up when he flew to Germany later in the day?

Plane struck by lightning.

-Yes.

-Perfectly safe. Apparently the planes can withstand

much more than one single bolt of lightning.

-Still a shit first day, though, isn't it?

-Yeah.

I don't want to go on about the symbolism, but

being struck by lightning on the way to Germany, it's not good, is it?

The political alliance between Merkel and Sarkozy

became known as...

-Merkozy.

-Merkozy, yes.

Yes. There it is.

Written down, there.

-In case we couldn't envisage what it looked like.

-That's right.

How our commentators referring to this new European power base?

Erm, "Merde."

LAUGHTER

It's true!

It is true

and it means "shit".

I had no idea.

Meanwhile, what's the problem with Greece?

They haven't got a government.

And they have got a ludicrously military step.

I thought the Koreans were bad trying to get the leg up here,

but that slow motion, it's the Ministry of Silly Walks, basically.

That's what they have to sort out. If people laugh at your soldiers,

-you've no chance.

-And if they want to get that pom-pom off,

they've got to flick it a bit quicker.

You can't just get the pom-pom off slowly.

-No, it doesn't engender respect.

-No.

Right, as no single party won a majority

the President has been holding talks with the leaders of various parties

in an attempt to form a workable coalition.

-Paul, could you give me a hand here, mate?

-Yeah.

Read out the names when they come up.

I could do it myself, I just can't be arsed...

-OK, right.

-..dealing with this.

-Yes.

So, the Greek President...

Uh...Karolos Papoulias.

..has been talking to the head of the socialist party...

Evangelos Venizelos.

The leader of the far-right Golden Dawn party...

Chrysi Avgi.

And the young charismatic leader of the far-left Syriza party...

Alexis Tsipras?

More commonly known as...?

Sexi Alexi!

But I'll be the judge of that one.

Oh, yes. He's all right, actually.

-He looks a bit like Ed Miliband to me.

-Oh, does...?

-Are you a man obsessed?

-No, this is Ken's attempt to find some work!

APPLAUSE

Shall we see how well the President has been getting on

in his talks with these people?

LAUGHTER

I think he'll come to the conclusion they can't stay in the euro,

which most sensible people have realised for the last two years.

-And then they're out.

-They're out. The world will carry on

and we'll all be able to afford to go for a holiday in Greece.

You've become very upbeat, haven't you?

Getting a nice sleep now, ain't ya?

Yeah. Like a log.

It's good for you at your age.

So, how are several newspapers

referring to this possible Greek exit?

-Are they taking "Greece" and "out" - "grout"?

-Hey!

APPLAUSE

-It's called Grexit.

-That's it.

-Yes.

-Sounds like a type of hair dye.

Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.

They get the Olympic torch and then they set fire to Athens.

Then we go bankrupt, cos everyone's exposed to Greece, to this debt.

Even Ken can't be cheery about that, can you?

-No, I predicted this.

-Ah!

12 years ago in Socialist Economic Bulletin.

-Didn't you read that?

-Oh, my subscription must have lapsed(!)

Catchy name, as well.

-Once we sold 300.

-Oh!

Yes, a move from the euro back to the drachma

would have to be done on the quiet

in the hope that nobody would notice.

That should keep the situation nice and calm.

What else would have to be done in secret?

-Printing the new currency?

-Spot on.

Or buying a lot of Monopoly sets.

Lots of people have drachma left from last time.

I've got a few in a drawer.

Probably worth a couple of million quid.

I think it's a good opportunity to call it something else.

You know, make it sound groovier.

Like, drach-marvellous, or something.

Pay by feta, I don't know.

I think that's what's happening now.

Yes, according to the Sunday Telegraph,

it would involve a highly technical operation.

Can you imagine? Some poor bugger's got to sit in the bank

going stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp

with about 20 million notes.

That would bring the unemployment down.

We could try that over here.

Stamp Osborne's face on every banknote.

And I wonder if you folded it like the Queen, it'd look like an arse?

When you fold the note, you get that arse.

-That is inbreeding, though.

-Oh, is it?

With financial chaos now looking more and more likely in Greece,

how are global businesses reacting?

They're not really paying much attention.

According to the Sunday Telegraph...

..and then on to Luxembourg, where it can avoid tax.

No offence. No offence.

-Let's move on to Spain.

-Yeah.

-Right?

Why has the village of Pioz made the financial news?

-Pioz?

-Is this the village that's in so much debt,

it's going to take 1,400 years to pay it off?

Had to close their swimming pool, didn't they?

Breaks your heart, dunnit?

During the boom years, the local council spent so much on houses,

a municipal swimming pool and a water purification plant

that it's run up debts that according to the Daily Telegraph...

See, they didn't follow my advice.

Did you send a copy of the Bulletin to this village?

You shouldn't borrow money.

Pay as you go, that's the safe way.

-Like on an Oyster?

-Yep.

Well, actually, sometimes the Oyster takes more than it should

-but there we are.

-Yeah, it does.

-Does it?

-Yeah.

-Boo for Boris, then!

-No, no. I expect Boris doesn't know about it.

He's always on the bloody bike, isn't he? It's not his fault.

So who did it, then? If Boris didn't.

Whoever really runs it when he's not there.

-Giant lizards from another planet?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-Did you have to deal with these lizards when you were Mayor?

They're in control of Ed. Sometimes I'd go in to see Blair

and he'd be getting the human skin back on.

-It's all true! It's all true.

-I'm glad to hear it.

-I live near Boris, you know.

-Do you?

-Yes, and I was in a cab once

and it was summer, so the window was down, it was a balmy night,

and I was texting, and Boris, cos he rides a bike,

pulled up beside the cab and I had my window down

and he looked in and he said, "Good evening,"

and I said, "I don't talk to strangers."

Put the window...

APPLAUSE

That saved you an unpleasant few hours.

Finally, what can you NOT use to pay off a debt higher than £10?

-Magic beans.

-Huh?

Money? Coins?

-Copper coins?

-Yes, there were go, coppers. Yes.

-You can't pay off coppers?

-No.

-Has anyone told News International?

APPLAUSE

PAUL SINGS A VAUDEVILLE TUNE

Yes, an accountant in Essex

has successfully sued one of his clients

who tried to settle a bill of £800

by dumping five crates of 1p and 2p coins in his garden.

To conclude our look at the financial news,

let's go over to Sky News.

Good evening. It's 7pm. I'm Jeff Rand...

I'm not Jeff Randall. I'm Joel Hills. This is Jeff Randall Live.

Yes, this is the crisis in Europe

and the messy aftermath of the Greek election,

which saw the various parties unable to form a coalition.

On his first official trip to see Angela Merkel,

President Hollande's plane was struck by lightning,

despite being assured there definitely wasn't a storm on its way

by leading French weatherman, Michel Poisson.

Mind you, Hollande wouldn't have made it to the airport

if he put on the metal shoes and hat

Sarkozy gave him as a good luck present.

Ian and Ken, would you take a look at this, please?

-Oh, it's...

-Ah, a victim.

Oh, she's being hounded by the paparazzi!

-Outrageous!

-Oh, look.

Blair and Rebekah Brooks.

And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.

And a witch.

Well, we've got to be very careful answering this question

cos Mrs Brooks has been charged.

But we're sure she's innocent, really.

LAUGHTER

I can offer a comment. I remember watching that moment

as she's being chased down the street and thinking,

"The number of times the buggers have done that to me on her orders!"

I took some small pleasure out of that, I must confess.

I only met her once. It was after some film awards

and she largely ignored me.

And then two days later, I get an e-mail from her saying,

"We have identified your unknown love child and are going to name him.

"Would you like to comment?"

I ignored it and they didn't dare run it.

Oh, can we have the name now, then?

-It all came out five years ago. You missed it.

-Oh-h-h!

Was it in the Socialist Economic Bulletin?

The sales might have gone up!

It's a good place to bury bad news, isn't it?

It was all about bad news!

She's been charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

Most people, when they get charged, disappear. She immediately came out

and criticised the Crown Prosecution Service for daring to charge her.

When you've spent two decades telling prime ministers what to do

and telling senior policemen what to do,

-it's a bit difficult when the boot's on the other foot.

-Yes.

And usually when the police come to her house it's, you know,

to give her a story

or accept a job on one of her papers.

-Or lend her one of their horses.

-Indeed!

I think we can say very little. She can obviously say what she likes

but we've got to be much more careful.

-How soon before they bang up Murdoch, do you reckon?

-Oh...

LAUGHTER

-We can stay within the law as well for that.

-Yeah. No,

that's any day now, obviously(!)

But her husband was jolly cross and a lot of people had said Rebekah,

giving evidence at the Leveson Inquiry, had looked like a witch.

And her husband immediately came out and said,

"It's a witch-hunt."

Which some people found very amusing.

I just remembered - she did that campaign

to burn down the home of your nearby paedophile and so on, didn't they?

-They ran that.

-The Sun...

-That was a bit rushing to judgment, I thought.

-It was rushing to judgment

and a campaign against paedophiles. Unfortunately a lot of Sun readers

couldn't tell the difference between that and paediatricians.

So there was an attack on the house of a doctor.

Anyway, this will all be a terrible sense of deja vu.

Some of us remember her being banged up after a domestic.

Do you remember that, with Ross Kemp?

-Yes.

-She had to be arrested.

Because he'd gone in, I don't know,

to investigate gangs in his own house or something...

LAUGHTER

..and it had all kicked off.

Apparently Rebekah Brooks and her husband met

at Jeremy Clarkson's party

which for me is enough to just want them sent down.

That's all I need to know. Send 'em down!

She's got a brief experience with witch-hunts.

Can anyone remember any?

Gordon Brown, I think, would feel the victim of one of them.

-Was he a witch?

-No.

-A warlock.

-A warlock.

Unlike Blair, who was a warmonger. Yeah!

Sorry, I'm just preparing for my career in stand-up.

What, you going to run for mayor?

No.

Whilst editor of the Sun, she accused asylum seekers in London

of poaching and eating swans

And in 2003,

she sensitively dealt with Frank Bruno's fragile mental state

with the headline...

What did she reveal about her textual relationship

-with David Cameron?

-He was texting her all day

and occasionally he wrote "LOL" and he didn't know what it meant.

He said it meant "lots of love,"

which somehow is more appropriate to a senior executive

who's bidding for a media contract.

Whereas the rest of us think it means "laugh out loud,"

which we're doing now.

Yes, the Express printed some examples

of how Cameron might misunderstand other text-speak. For instance...

So we all know what that means, don't we?

-I'm homosexual.

-LAUGHTER

And I also don't know the answer.

-This is "in my humble opinion".

-That's it, yeah.

Or, as the Express suggested for Cameron,

"Is my horse outside?"

APPLAUSE

And here's another one. What's "WTF"?

Uh, what the f... Erm...

As the Express suggested, "Where's the fag?"

LAUGHTER

-"Where's the fag?"

-As in, Eton slave boys.

You don't say, "Where's the fag?" You say, "Fag up!"

-"Fag up?"

-You didn't have a fag!

And they run up the stairs. Produce coffee.

It's a perfectly workable system.

See, I always used this one...

"I am having a fag?"

"I am 'AVIN' a fag," yes!

-Very topical. 1993, I

-BLEEP

-said that.

I thought it meant "I'm having some physical activity".

-Oh!

-Oh, "I'm having a..." Oh! I see!

Under what circumstances would you text that to a third party?

"I've told you, haven't I? Keep going."

LAUGHTER

So, how did Rebekah Brooks stay in touch

with the customs of ordinary folk when she was at the Sun?

Er, she listened to their voicemails?

APPLAUSE

She said for 11 years running,

she would go on a £9.50 holiday to a caravan park with Sun readers.

Where do Private Eye go for their away days, Ian?

Erm, that place in Soho I was telling you about.

Who else, a bit closer to home, has been critical of Rebekah Brooks?

-Close to home.

-Is that a clue?

-Yeah.

-The Home Secretary. The former Home Secretary,

Jack Straw. He deliberately got on the same train as her

so he could suck up to her on the way into work.

Actually, it was Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth...

-Yes?

-..who said...

For the record, Elizabeth Murdoch's own company

makes TV programmes called...

..so you could be in either of those, Ken, couldn't ya?

They announced I'd lost on Friday evening.

The first e-mail I get was I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

I thought, "Oh God, no. You know you're doomed. It's all over."

-Something more uplifting, eh?

-Like this?

-This is always good fun.

This could be a launch platform.

We had some bloke on, and he became Mayor of London!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've never really forgiven you for that!

Which other hard-faced shameless bastard

was at the Leveson Inquiry this week?

"Hard-faced Shameless Bastard Number One, please come into the room."

Erm...

Can you narrow it down a bit more?

Alastair Campbell?

Very good, yes.

The Mail described Campbell as...

He actually said that the Labour Party in his day, um,

viewed their dealings with Murdoch with some distaste

and he was allowed to get away with saying that.

You think, "Was that the Labour Party

"that you were working for Tony Blair

"when he became the godparent of Rupert's child

"and appeared in robes of shining white by the banks of the Jordan,

"in order to suck up to Mr Murdoch? Was that the same Labour Party?"

But no-one said that, they just said, "Thank you, Mr Campbell.

"Very good of you to turn up and give us your stupid opinions."

APPLAUSE

Robert Jay, the main QC at the Leveson Inquiry,

got a bit carried away when he introduced Campbell to the Inquiry.

What did he say?

"And he's here! The one, the only, lock up your daughters!

"Alastair 'I can't remember anything' Campbell!

"Ra-da-da-da...!"

He said he was...

Did he really?

Yeah, he did say that, apparently.

How rigorous is this cross-examination?

Does it take on medical aspects as well?

He's usually such a lovely talker, is the gentleman. He uses words like

propinquity?

And condign - what does that mean?

I think they got the letters in the wrong order.

That's like Condign With Me, isn't it?

It actually means adequate or worthy.

Ed Miliband is quite fond of one particular phrase at the moment.

Do you know what that is?

LOL.

I'm havin' a fag.

Isn't that what they all shout at Cameron?

They're hoping he'll lose his temper in the Commons and explode

so they all shout, "Calm down." Whenever he says anything,

he goes, "I am calm, I am calm!"

Let's have a little look

at what Mr Miliband is very fond of saying at the moment.

The idea he did that without any knowledge of the Secretary of State

frankly beggars belief.

He should show some responsibility in relation to his organisation.

-I think it beggars belief...

-What does that mean?

It beggars belief Rebekah Brooks is still in her post.

To think he doesn't need to take responsibility for that

frankly beggars belief.

And when Rupert Murdoch says

that News International have handled these allegations extremely well,

I think people up and down the country will be thinking

that really beggars belief.

Yes, this is the news that Rebekah Brooks has been charged

with attempting to pervert the course of justice.

Said Rebekah, 43, from Chipping Norton.

APPLAUSE

-OK, boys?

-Yes!

The prospect of Rebekah being sent to jail

is particularly bad news for David Cameron,

who's now facing a Christmas dinner with just Jeremy Clarkson.

And we must point out, it's a fundamental principle of English law

that you are innocent

until after you've finished playing for your country in the Euros.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry continues to investigate

the influence of the media,

though if you want a stark example of the power of the newspapers,

just think. If it wasn't for the London Evening Standard,

we'd have Boris Johnson sitting there.

I hasten to say, Ken, that's because I think you'd make a better mayor.

And he'd make a better guest.

I agree! I agree!

And so to Round Two, the one-armed bandit of news.

Here's the first one!

BUZZ

-Yes, Paul.

-Erm, the Queen, she is in a state now

where she can't notice strangers coming up and adjusting her...

She's being so dazzled by her own celebrations, she has no idea,

she's got no spatial awareness of people around her at all.

So people have got hold of this,

and that's her visit in Derby

and there's two people who've won a prize in the Derby Advertiser,

they won a spot-the-monarch competition.

Play with the Queen for a day, is basically...

And also, it's a waxwork at Madame Tussauds.

Yes, this is the new Madame Tussauds waxwork of the Queen.

-But, I mean, there was a tragedy at Tussauds, wasn't there, Ken?

-What?

They've melted down...

No! Not a beloved member of the British society!

-They have!

-Who?

-A former mayor...

No!

..has been consigned to the pot.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

They're using him to make Jedward!

No, that's very true.

Ken's waxwork was removed from Madame Tussauds in 2008.

A spokesman has said...

Well, they're going to realise they're wrong

when they turn on and watch this bloody programme.

That's right! You tell 'em.

It's odd they don't offer to sell you it.

Most of us would buy 'em for a laugh. Have it stuck there,

a really grisly-looking object as you come through the door.

You couldn't have yours, it's not tax-deductible, mate!

Oh, I don't know, you could rent it out!

Particularly boring dinner, just put your waxwork in. "Hello, Ken".

Why's a new waxwork of the Queen been made?

There's something remarkable about her. Her appearance seems to change year by year.

If you look at her when she was six, she doesn't look anything like this.

This has been described as the "Queen's most lifelike waxwork yet."

-Shall we have a look at some of the previous efforts?

-Yes.

Here she is in 2001.

Oh, that's not very good.

-Here she is in '77.

-Ooh, no!

That's bad, but not as bad as this one

displayed at the Legends Of Wax exhibition in Kent.

That's Barbara Streisand!

But to get a truly terrible waxwork, you have to go to Israel.

-Here's the...

-That's what they say!

Here's the IMAX Museum in Eilat's attempt at John Lennon.

Looking a bit like you, Ken, when you ran the GLC.

My moustache was never that long.

John Lennon crossed with a cashew nut.

-Do you want to have a look at Elton John?

-Yes, please.

Look at him.

A sweaty Brains from Thunderbirds.

And the worst one of all, we can't comment on this,

Marilyn Monroe.

Isn't she pretty?

Finally, where have the Queen's knickers been appearing?

-Eugh!

-On Neptune?

Tom Jones concert?

-No, it's all over WH Smith till receipts, apparently.

-Oh, yes.

Due to a technical error, no matter what customers in WH Smith bought,

they were issued a receipt stating...

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BUZZER

Somebody stuck a car up a tree.

-Didn't they put a seed and let it grow?

-Yeah.

A local community has gone in for their own justice,

and this was a joyrider who goes up and down the street

so one night they all got together, nicked his car and put it up a tree.

-Brilliant.

-He rang the police and said, "They put my car up a tree,"

and the bloke said, "I know!"

And he had to get it down himself.

Yes, villagers were fed up of their local boy racer

and his dangerous driving

so they taught him a lesson by using a neighbour's mobile crane

to hoist his car on top of the tree.

A police spokesman said...

Who'd like to see the car,

having been carefully removed from the tree?

In other news of tall tales relating to cars,

Dorset Police have revealed a list of excuses for driving offences.

What excuse did a motorist give

when stopped for not wearing his seatbelt?

"Come near me, copper, and I'll cut you!"

Citing the law that made wearing a seatbelt a legal requirement

in 1982, the motorist told officers...

Adding, "But as we clearly can't settle this matter,

"I challenge you, sir, to a duel."

Finally, talking of excuses, Ken, do you have one for this outfit?

Was it in The Sun?

It was in The Sun, oddly enough.

I think Rebekah just liked me topless.

Page 3 has evolved, hasn't it?!

Actually, for someone who's 66,

-that's not bad.

-I'm glad you said that.

I bet now, if we all took our tops off,

I wouldn't look too bad compared to you!

Come on, come on!

Oh, come on, we're all friends, why not?

-Can we then wrestle?

-Yeah.

Then we'll take our bottoms off.

Take our bottoms off?!

Start shagging each other.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, please.

BELL RINGS

This is Peter Tatchell,

who's launching a campaign to say you can be rude to each other

and I think it's supported by David Davis.

Yes. This is the news that Tory MP David Davis

and gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell

have launched a new campaign for the right to be insulted. It's called...

So what's the idea behind this?

You know, they got fed up of people getting arrested for silly stuff.

Because someone's got arrested for calling a policeman's horse gay.

-Yes.

-That's right.

-The horse was wearing hotpants, but...

That's right. One student was charged for carrying a place card...

But to a Labrador, "woof" is very insulting.

Meanwhile, what are politicians doing to their Wikipedia entries?

Editing them to make them even less honest?

Well, to make themselves look better.

Wikipedia staff can trace the internet address

of whoever made alterations to a page

and on MPs' entries, nearly all the changes come from Parliament.

Ken, how was your Wikipedia entry changed?

Was it changed to "winner"?

According to the Telegraph...

Right, this is the new campaign for the right to be insulted.

Conservative MP David Davis

called for the scrapping of Section 5 of the 1986 Public Order Act,

arguing that it should not be a criminal offence to insult people

and for once I couldn't agree more with the pompous old Tory twat.

David Davis has joined forces with Christian groups

and gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell

to try and persuade the Government to change the law.

An ill-matched alliance of oddballs with little hope of success,

the Government has three years left in power.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week. Your four are Florence the Shark,

Matthew O'Callaghan, the Chairman of Melton Mowbray Porkpie Association,

Morrissey and Whittaker's Sundew.

BELL RINGS

-Yes.

-Whittaker's Sundew is a flower from New South Wales

and the others aren't.

I've got one, then! BUZZER

One's a shark.

< Ah, that could be from Australia.

The only thing I know is that shark's a vegetarian.

And?!

That's all I know in the whole world!

The only thing that eats meat there is the flower.

-I bet it's one of those meat-eating flowers.

-Absolutely correct!

APPLAUSE

What sort of meat does the plant eat?

Lamb chops?

-Kebabs?

-That looks like sticky bits on the leaf

so I assume small insects.

-Yes, very good, Ken.

-Bison?

Ever seen a fight between one of them flowers and a bison?

It can go on for hours.

Yeah, Ken's right, this plant does eat insects.

What are the team at the National Sea Life Centre going to try and do

to get Florence eating enough protein again?

Stuff a sausage in the middle of an iceberg.

It's pretty close.

Matthew O'Callaghan,

the chairman of the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association,

has admitted that he's actually a vegetarian.

I thought you were going to say he's admitted

there's no meat in his pork pies.

Has anybody any idea

where Mr O'Callaghan made his shocking confession?

Not the Socialist Economic Bulletin.

No, according to the Daily Mail, he was speaking

at the annual British Pie Awards.

He told a gathering of pie manufacturers...

They are all vegetarian

apart from Whittaker's Sundew, which is a carnivorous plant.

Botanically-speaking, the order of Australian plants

is divided between two sub-genii -

Carnivorous and bloody poofta.

According to The Sun...

Following this story, thousands of curious locals

have queued for hours to visit her aquarium

to see what vegetables look like.

Time for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

Cat Fancy.

Or as I call it, The Spinster.

And we start with...

KEN: "Tonnes of cat poo."

JOE: Is it "lost people"?

No, the actual answer

is mobility scooters.

-Oh.

-Oh, yes.

This is the news that Britain is the mobility-scooter capital of Europe.

Technically, you need a medical reason

to be allowed to drive a mobility scooter,

although it appears these reasons include an allergy to exercise

and a clinical dependence on chips.

Next...

JOE: "Something 10 foot away."

KEN: "I could smell cat mess from 10 feet away."

-You're obsessed by cat mess.

-It's bloody Cat Weekly, isn't it?

Yeah, but it could be other things apart from mess.

"Boris Johnson.

"Says lonely widow.

"Who's increased the security on her front door.

"Who's boarded up the cat flap."

Which isn't a euphemism.

The answer is "Miche's fish breath."

Yes, according to Cat Fancy,

there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats.

The main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.

Next...

JOE: "Break-dance."

You're nearly right. "Oscillate."

Because cats don't like sharp edges

so look a bit blurry. Oscillate.

"Hello, how are you doing? What's your name? Mr Tibbs?"

Well, it's not too dissimilar. It's actually "squat down."

You've got to squat down. It's common sense.

Makes it easier for him to put it in the holdall with the bricks.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

And lastly...

JOE: "Massive cat."

I wandered lonely as a shroud?

Somebody dressed up in a shroud for a funeral?

It's actually "nuke cloud".

This is the plan

to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste below the Lake District.

A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says...

So if you're watching the repeat on Dave - all clear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so the final scores are...

Ian and Ken have four points,

Paul and Joe have seven points.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Ian and Ken have this.

Ah. He's saying, "Don't move, Mum."

And you wonder why you lose.

And Paul and Joe, you get this.

"Big horse sneezes and finds a surprise."

"Boy lies about having identical horses."

Is the big horse saying,

"There's a great big bowl of cocaine over there,

"I just walked straight into it."

I leave you with news that at a shopping centre in Gloucester,

a confused old man startles passers-by

with a tirade of bigoted abuse.

At Vladimir Putin's birthday-party parade,

after soldiers marched non-stop for 12 hours,

there is a slight problem with cramp.

And, capitalising on her love of horses,

Scotland Yard sends an undercover cop to spy on Rebekah Brooks.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd