Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Good evening to you.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm William Shatner.

In the news this week,

as...Didier Drogba leaves London, in his private jet,

there's evidence that Roman Abramovich doesn't want him to go.

As an Afghan army recruit reports back to base,

there are suspicions that they may have spent too long

patrolling the poppy fields.

And, at the G8 banquet for world leaders,

Nick Clegg is given a vital role.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who says

he runs for at least an hour every day.

It's not a health thing,

it's just a lot of people he's been nasty about

want to punch him in the face.

Please welcome Charlie Brooker.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster

who supports Chelsea,

so expect him to perform badly throughout the evening

but somehow end up on the winning side.

Ooh!

Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Charlie, take a look at this.

-It's the G8 Summit.

-It's Cameron sunning his moobs.

It's the French Prime Minister. He hasn't got the hang of it.

That's a man using a computer to monitor

the three remaining coins in the economy.

This is the G8 Summit

and Greece's attempts to "Klingon" to the euro.

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say, what a joy and what a surreal experience it is

having you on this show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

May I say

it's an out-of-body experience for me too.

How did the, er...

How did the Head of the International Institute of Finance

describe the state of Europe?

-It's a catastrophe.

-It's a eurozone meltdown,

which sounds like a gay nightclub.

They're very worried about Greece.

I saw a headline that said markets slide on Greece.

To be fair,

everything slides on Greece.

It was somewhere between...

Your Sunday Times newspaper painted the worse case scenario.

It's not ours!

It belongs to Mr Murdoch, he's yours. He's an American.

THIS Sunday Times newspaper

painted the worse-case scenario in the event of the Greeks

crashing out of the euro.

Can you describe it to me?

There's a run on the banks, in Greece. Then we're exposed to that

and all the other countries fail.

Then giant rats roam the streets throughout the whole of Europe.

We're invaded by aliens. There's only one man to call on.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They said:

But on the other hand...

Don't worry, David Cameron's got it all under control.

-It's his ship now.

-Yes, it's his ship

but not with a P.

Would you like to see the G8 leaders adopting a tough stance?

-Yes.

-Yes, please.

-Here they are!

There's ten of them. They can't even count.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They did come to an agreement, though.

They've agreed to do nothing.

Didn't they agree to buy the man at the end a new jumper?

ANDY: That's just somebody's dad. He's wandered in.

What did the French President do wrong at the G8 Summit,

according to the Telegraph?

According to the Telegraph? Well, he's French.

Apparently, Francois Hollande...

Here they are at dinner with no ties.

You can see how Camp David is relaxed and peaceful

and the others are enjoying themselves too.

Medvedev's choice of an ice breaker joke, with Angela Merkel is...

That looks like a Nazi salute.

The left hand's coming up to do that.

"Do you remember him? Do you remember him, love?

-"Do you remember him?"

-Where was the real talking done?

Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?

-CHARLIE: On a treadmill.

-On a treadmill, was it?

-Early in the morning.

-Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor!

It was on a running machine early in the morning after the dinner.

Cameron and Obama went to the gym together

and according to the Observer:

I kind of imagine that when Obama knocked on Cameron's cabin door,

Cameron opened it... in a short bathrobe,

his legs shining with oil...

..and the muscles of his thighs...

That's what you'd do, isn't it?

You can see why Obama's going for the gay marriage vote.

Or why he has an affinity towards Merkel.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

I'm sorry, these things will be cut out as we go along.

How has this casual approach...

You haven't seen this show, have you?

That's true and luckily, I may add.

How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?

He is accused of chillaxing too much.

Chillaxing is a horrible word.

It's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.

Anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wait a minute. That is not an American word.

-What is that word again?

-It's a funt. It's short for frightful count.

You're right he was chillaxing.

He cooks, he drinks wine, he watches DVDs with his wife.

-AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION:

-Plays snooker,

-has his own karaoke machine.

-Plays what?

Snooker. It's another blend word.

-Snoozing with...

-With a bit of nookie!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You play it with something long and balls.

You chalk the tip as well.

I don't see the problem with Cameron relaxing.

This thing about, he watches films on DVD.

If he's watching a film on DVD,

that's an hour-and-a-half where he can't be doing any damage.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you name some of his favourite pieces of relaxation technology?

He's addicted to playing a video game called Fruit Ninja.

There are video games he could play where he learns to run a country

or oversee the infrastructure of a small city but, no,

he's swiping at revolving fruit.

That serves no purpose. Britain has never and will never,

come under attack from revolving fruit.

Until it does, he's wasting his time.

What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?

-Watching the football.

-Yeah.

Here they are watching the first shoot-out

that Obama watched live on TV.

Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David Cameron had plenty of other things to worry about.

What just emerged from the Leveson Inquiry about the BSkyB bid?

This is a memo to Cameron from Jeremy Hunt.

Mr Hunt was meant to be an impartial judge about whether Mr Murdoch,

who owns YOUR Sunday Times,

should be allowed to own anything else over here.

Hunt appeared to have already made up his mind, extraordinarily.

-That's outrageous!

-It is absolutely outrageous.

Well, what is being done about it?

Well, phasers set to stun, I think.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?

It's true. He's got that duckling tuft thing.

-Duckling Tuft?

-Yeah.

-One of the finest

Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?

-You saw Duckling Tuft in his prime.

-He played Hamlet.

-He lost but he...

-He became Sir Duckling Tuft.

On the subject of the Champions League Final,

did anyone notice what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did

after the final whistle?

Yes. He got into his kit, didn't he? He celebrated with everyone else.

He'd been suspended and he got into his kit. To be fair, he's used to

getting changed very quickly.

Usually, when he hears a key in the front door.

-"Honey, I'm home."

-Exactly.

No, he took credit for something he hadn't done.

Many people thought John Terry was intruding on

somebody else's great moment

and some people on the internet did this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the subject of faked images,

did anybody see the Romanian TV presenter

who tried to fake a sandstorm?

No!

The man was reporting on a sandstorm,

missed the sandstorm and here's what happened.

LAUGHTER

This is the G8 meeting of world leaders.

The leaders watched Chelsea win the Championship League on television

but there was outrage as the presentation of the trophy

was spoiled by the unwelcome presence

of an arrogant hate figure.

LAUGHTER

In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:

That's what you need in a crisis.

A mad Scotsman shouting, "We cannot take it any longer, captain!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

All right. This is the Olympic Flame.

The beginning of the Olympic Games.

The plane's been dipped in a special bowl of Olympic custard.

-He's been to Ratners.

-He's been to Ratners.

This is the eternal flame that keeps going out.

I don't know if it's actually alight there or not.

The Olympics are coming to London.

They've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.

That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda.

How did the Olympic Flame arrive on British soil?

It was flown in that plane, which Boris described as

a custard-coloured comet,

streaking through the sky to bring Promethean fire

from the Greek homeland to London.

You think I'm making it up. That's exactly what he said.

It goes out a lot this flame.

-It does...

-Then they take it back to the Mother Flame.

Every time it goes out, it's like they think we're all children.

"Oh, there's this secret Mother Flame that we keep in the van."

-They go and relight it.

-It flew from Greece...

The Mother Flame, isn't that the sun?

They should erect a scaffold to the sun, that would be impressive.

A long piece of folded newspaper, just to get a light of it.

So it arrived in the golden plane, as you said,

then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.

Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment

when that helicopter arrived.

REPORTER: It's arrival was perfectly choreographed and hard to miss.

LAUGHTER

What happened in Great Torrington on day three

of the flame's 70-day journey?

The flame was put out and they resorted to the Mother Flame

that was being carried around in a van.

That had also gone out so they had to go to the Grand Mother Flame,

which is kept in a sealed unit in Switzerland.

They do know that we have the secret of making fire in this country?

We are capable of independently reigniting a torch that goes out.

-Who has to import fire? Do we?

-We will soon!

The flame went out and the Games organisers blamed:

I had one myself once.

They put too many jalapenos in my enchiladas.

I needed that helicopter wind to blow the flame out.

-What is the relay a chance to show the world?

-That we are British.

Yes. And we understand about fire.

Yeah, we understand the sacred flame of gorgeous goodness!

It is a chance to showcase some of Britain's most beautiful landmarks.

According to the Daily Mirror:

Eh, er...Di-dier, uh...Drogba...

-Do you have any idea what any of these words mean?

-Didier!

Why doesn't he change his name?

..carried the torch through Swindon town centre.

And which unsung community hero carried the torch through Taunton?

-Oh, I know that.

-You know that? In Somerset.

These torches were meant to be carried by local people

to show the community spirit.

And in Taunton it was Will.I.Am.

-Doesn't he come from Taunton?

-No!

-Taunton, Ohio.

-I would love it if he did come from Taunton.

Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas,

here he is telling the BBC

how important an experience it was to him.

So, yeah, this is like... it feels like a dream.

Something that you always saw on TV growing up,

so to be here today in the UK,

with all the hard work it took me to get to this level,

to be able to do that,

following, pursuing my dreams, and, you know...

and now I am here in the UK running the torch, it is great.

That is essentially a tribute to himself.

He said, "I grew up watching this as a kid."

I never remember ever seeing the torch being run.

It wasn't on every day, was it? Like Star Trek!

You know, I watched that with my dinner on my lap every evening,

but not...you know, I had a plate!

-You weren't just throwing up?

-No!

-"Star Trek? Eurgh!"

"Quick, chuck something at the screen!"

What have some of the relay runners been criticised for doing?

As soon as you've walked your five metres as part of the spectacle,

you sell it on eBay.

They've come in for criticism for selling the torches on eBay.

Making money out of the Olympics is thought

to be absolutely against the spirit of the Games

unless you're Visa, or Samsung, or Coca Cola, or McDonalds,

or Lloyds TSB, Adidas, BP, British Airways,

otherwise, it's a noble enterprise.

You weren't paid for reading them all out, were you?

I got a great deal of money for each one of those

and in the next question I mention some more.

-What disappointments...?

-Coca Cola!

Now you're cut in.

Millets. Can I just say that? To see if I get some money from Millets.

Millets?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Aim higher than Millets, surely!

What disappointments lay in store

for torch-bearer Sarah Milner Simonds?

-Was she lost in fog?

-Lost in fog?!

-Someone got lost in the fog.

Yeah, they did. They got lost in the fog even though they were following someone with a flaming torch!

-She thought she sold her torch...

-And she didn't!

-..for £153,100,

unfortunately this turned out to be a hoax. Ha-ha!

Andrew Bell, who ran a leg of the journey in Cornwall,

removed his eBay advertisement

after messages of complaint were posted on the website

but he explained:

What caused confusion in Truro?

They're Cornish, they'll always be confused in Truro.

-I'm going to Truro on Sunday for a gig.

-Are you? Good luck, Paul!

No, I'm dissociating myself from everything you say.

You told me to say that before we came on, you know that.

Well, crowds lining the streets in the Cornish town

saw someone running down the high street and got ready to cheer

as the torch-bearer came past.

According to the Daily Mail, however:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And what were the organisers of a roadside hog roast

advised not to do?

Don't roast a hog by the side of the road.

-Partially.

-Don't light the fire, cos it's against health and safety.

You're on the right track.

Don't use the torch to roast the hog.

Ah, yes, because if you used the torch to roast the hog

then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame,

then you have to march through the streets with the hog.

-The sacred hog!

-The sacred hog that's alight. It would just look stupid!

-It would look silly.

Organisers told the Independent:

Meanwhile according to the Daily Telegraph,

thousands of people lining the streets

have given the relay a carnival feel. For example:

You Brits really know how to put on a show(!)

You wait until you see our opening ceremony!

-There will be hundreds of chips. Dancing chips.

-Six or seven cod.

Boris in a giant cod costume.

This is the Olympic torch,

which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.

GROANS

Namely... Yes, I agree with you.

Namely, Truro and Ilfraco-o-o-ombe.

It sounds deeply sexual.

-Kind of like a cigar advert.

-Have you been to Ilfracombe?

-I have.

The place is laced with prostitution.

That's their new slogan now!

"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe!"

Chelsea hero... Here we go again!

-Didier...!

-Yes!

CHEERING

..Drogbleurgh!

..carried the torch through Swindon,

although there was one awkward moment when John Terry stripped off

and ran alongside him.

Will.I.Am carried the torch through Taunton

and thousands lined the streets

to witness this once-in-a-lifetime sight.

Oh, my God, a black guy in the West Country.

That's not racist, I'm the guy who kissed Uhura.

You kissed green women, you kissed, sort of, silver women...

I discriminate not in colour.

How did you know they had all the right anatomical...?

It doesn't matter when you're kissing.

OK.

Is there any life form you wouldn't kiss?

No, to give it life, I would kiss at anything.

-The breath of life, from me...

-Indeed.

-..to them.

-You bring people back to life?!

He's not doing bad with this show, to be honest!

-Now we're in round two. Yes!

-CHEERING

And I'm going to give you musical clues.

This is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, see, I appeal to the masses, not to the intelligentsia.

OK, here we go.

"ROCKET MAN" BACKING TRACK PLAYS

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

Till touch down brings me round again to find

That I'm not the man they thought I am...at home.

Oh, no, no, no, no

I'm a rocket man.

Anybody?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anybody got an idea?

I'm just overwhelmed by this!

Is everyone experiencing this, or is it just happening in my head?

There is a rocket, which is a commercial rocket

that's been launched, and on it are the remains of your co-star.

-Yes, it is.

-I read that in the Telegraph, and thought,

how fitting and appropriate, Scotty's ashes going to space.

And I turned the page and there was a report

that the man who invented the TV remote control had died.

I thought, what they should do with his ashes

is put them somewhere where you can never find them.

Or with lots of urns, that look very similar.

"Actually, that urn."

This is the news

that an exciting new era of commercial space travel has begun

with the successful launch of the Dragon.

Shall we have a look at how this thrilling new dawn began?

Five, four, three, two, one, zero...

and liftoff.

We have a cutout.

Liftoff did not occur.

A spokesman for SpaceX told reporters:

I don't know, it's not rocket science!

-What was the problem blamed on?

-Romulans.

It was expecting the universe to rush towards us.

They were computer problems based on gremlins.

The launch heralded a new era of privately-funded space travel.

According to The Times,

when a spokesman was asked:

He replied:

This is a major breakthrough in commercial space travel.

According to The Times:

Which explains why the jet thrust

looked suspiciously like Olympic torches.

According to The Independent,

the space capsule will carry 1,000 lbs of cargo...

And if none of the astronauts are in

then they will leave a card telling them to pick it up,

between eight and eleven, from their nearest asteroid.

OK, another musical clue for you.

CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS

Oh, Canada

I stand on guard for thee

Oh, Canada

We stand on guard...for...thee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you reminded of any Canada-related news stories?

Have there ever been any Canada-related news stories?

That old joke about Dean Martin, who saw a sign that said,

"Drink Canada Dry", so he went there and did.

You probably remember that first time around!

-Yes, I remember that! That was page three on the joke book.

-Yes!

Did anyone get eaten by bears? That's quite a common story in Canada.

That's a common story in Canada.

-And, uh...maple syrup.

-Yeah.

This is the news that a nude painting

of the Prime Minister of Canada has been sold.

Here it is. It's entitled Emperor Haute Couture.

Yes. I must say the painting looks well hung.

Has that dog been fed?

I'd be nervous.

The artist must be ecstatic about the sale.

Anyone like to hazard a guess as to her facial expression

on hearing the news?

Deep surprise, mixed with nostalgic longing for the 1950s.

Uh, wh...?! Anybody else with a... with an equally important answer?

This could be a new show, couldn't it -

-Guess The Facial Expression!

-Yeah.

-Let's have a look.

She's overjoyed.

In other art-related news,

what can you see at a new art exhibition in London?

There's an invisible pillar. The artwork is not there.

-To make you think what MIGHT be.

-Why is it not here?

-In a sense, it IS here.

-Hmm.

ANDY: I can see it.

But you're on special medication.

The Hayward Gallery is gathering together

50 invisible works by famous artists for display.

Shall we have a look at a couple?

Ah, yes, well, these are twin pieces.

The first one is A White Persian Cat In Snowstorm.

The other one is...

Lib Dem Manifesto.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the naked painting of Canadian premier, Stephen Harper.

According to BBC News...

So have I, but that's none of your business.

The painting of the Prime Minister's naked penis can be

seen on a wall in a public library,

hanging between two Pollocks.

-It's good, it's an art joke!

-That's Jackson to you.

Meanwhile, in London...

a new exhibition of invisible artworks

will open to the public in June.

According to The Times...

So the one thing they can see...

is you coming.

A final musical clue for you now.

MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols

God save the Queen

The fascist regime

They made you a moron

Potential H-bomb.

Anybody got any ideas?

Other than throwing me out!

Is it the Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?

-I preferred that to the original. I like your Common People.

-Oh, thanks!

APPLAUSE

It's a serious fan club up there! Are you from Canada?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

It's all beginning to make sense.

When Charlie said, "I like your Common People," for an awful moment,

I thought that meant you kept slaves.

Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted from

a royal-themed tearoom for refusing to stand up

-during the National Anthem.

-Oh, yes.

-Who owns the tearoom?

-A mad lady.

It's Anita Atkinson,

whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.

3pm every day...

Oh, that's nice and respectful(!)

Is there anything else about the tearoom that the ejected

pensioneers disliked, apart from the National...

"Pensioneers"? That's a good word.

-That makes them sound more get up and go.

-There's four of them...

-But it has such a common sound.

-No, I love it.

-And you want pensioneers!

-Like pioneers.

-Pioneers, exactly.

-People who go out and get those...

-And rest.

-..winter fuel allowances.

And say, "One for all and all for...

"Sorry, I've forgotten what I came in here for."

You people are messed up!

And I say that coming from a country that brought you

the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.

The tearoom also contains a huge collection of royal memorabilia.

Any guesses as to what?

Surely the Queen has the largest collection of royal memorabilia.

-In her wardrobe!

-Is it Princess Margaret?

According to the BBC...

-That's not respectful, is it?

-No.

The model of Kate Middleton was very similar to the real thing,

as when she turned sideways, you can't see her.

Time now for the odd one out round. Ready?

Joaquin Phoenix.

Staines.

A boat called Bin Laden 1.

And tiger bread.

-BUZZER

-Ian and Charlie?

Staines has recently changed its name

in order to appear more upmarket.

-So it's called itself Staines-upon-Thames.

-Yes.

Which is marginally better than Staines-upon-Trousers.

And tiger bread, that changed its name

because a child wrote to the supermarket.

As if children can now decide what foodstuffs are called.

If I had written to a supermarket when I was six years old,

I would have said, can we call beans fart pills?

-What about his name?

-Joaquin.

-Joaquin Phoenix. He's changed his name.

Yes, he was something like Leaf or something like that before.

There was River Phoenix, the kids had names like Leaf and Tree...

I don't know the rules of this game, but isn't it their four?

Well, you know, it's about, sort of,

although they are an opposing team, I feel there's a spirit of humanity

that we can make friends. Was there any sort of television series

you were in that gave across that idea that civilisations...

It's a competition! You should be at each other's throats!

ANDY: We're under attack, Cap'n!

-Wait, wait, coordinate, let's go this way.

-That's it.

That's it, that's it.

Well, you're right, guys.

They've all changed their names, apart from

the Bin Laden boat, although it will be required to,

because the authorities think it's a security risk.

But it hasn't yet?

Laurence Godfrey, who owns the boat,

said his son Dylan wanted a silly name.

He heard the name Bin Laden on TV and thought it was funny.

They honestly think that's a security risk?

If they changed its name to the Exploding Death Boat...

Joaquin Phoenix's family name was changed back in 1978.

Would anyone like to hazard a guess

as to what Joaquin Phoenix's name was?

Derek.

Bottom!

CHARLIE: Joaquin Bottom!

-You can see why you'd change that!

-That's the brother of River Phoenix.

So, River Phoenix's real name was River Bottom!

That's exactly right.

If your family is called Bottom, you don't call your kid River, do you?

-I mean...

-Or Smelly.

-Yeah, Smelly. Yeah.

In one interview, Joaquin Phoenix claimed that he suffers from...

Or, as a real actor calls it, range.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

as its guest publication,

the British Water Tower Appreciation Society.

I was going to read the whole edition,

but I'd already completed one five-year mission.

And we start with:

Water tower performs songs from the shows?

Leader performs badly.

ANDY: Look at that.

William Hague's father recently clambered onto a flying aircraft,

completed long hikes, climbed mountains,

and he still can't shake off the bastard.

"Will you get away from me, son? Let me die in peace!"

Next:

ANDY: Left-wing subversives.

-CHARLIE: Mad.

-Sad.

ANDY: The enemy within.

I understand "anoraks" is a British term for obsessive fans who

devote their lives to something that doesn't matter.

Don't knock that, guys, it pays my pension.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHARLIE: Wipe?

-Clean.

-Clean, but spelt CLE-E-E-E-E-AN!

This is a story of an unidentified cleaner who became

an internet hit because of this video.

She's missed a bit there!

Next:

Tortoise to harangue the nation.

ANDY: Britain's rudest Royal to tell nation to stick Jubilee up its arse.

This is the closure of Palfrey and Kemp,

a shop in Leamington whose owners, Terry Palfrey and Geoff Kemp,

were described by The Independent as being...

And soon there will be a sign on the door that says,

"Fuck off, we're closed!"

That is rude.

I never thought I'd hear Captain Kirk say that.

What about TJ Hooker? He was meant to be a policeman!

Next:

Features water tower.

Readers of Grimsby local papers have been treated to an edition

smelling of freshly baked bread.

Though I have no idea how, in Grimsby, you can smell the bread

in the newspaper through the overpowering stench of rotting fish.

CHARLIE: What's Grimsby done to you?!

Compared to Ilfracombe, very little.

Next:

Regained India.

But only because she had run out of stamps,

so she had to slam her head against the envelope.

Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

BANG! Mail this!

And so, the final scores are,

-Ian and Charlie have four...

-No, they don't.

LAUGHTER

-It's the other way round.

-Ian and Charlie have six.

-It's not important!

-It's not accurate!

-And Paul and Andy have seven.

-Seven! Hooray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Charlie Brooker,

Paul Morton and Andy Hamilton...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What have I done?

Should I be here? Shall I go?

-Paul MERTON.

-Oh, I'm back!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hilsop and Charlie Brooker...

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Charlie Brooker, and Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news that at the G8 summit,

the decision on whether Germany should fund the euro bailout

goes to a show of hands.

Day one of his Australian outback holiday,

and it's the same old story for George Michael.

And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,

rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work,

Clegg and Cameron, The Coalition.

Good night.

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