Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

They've asked me to do this for 10 years and, with impeccable timing,

I chose the week that Tony Blair was at the Leveson Inquiry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alastair Campbell.

In the news this week, at Ealing Studios,

MGM announced they've been screen-testing a new leading man

for a remake of Silence Of The Lambs...

After Pudsey the dancing dog wins Britain's Got Talent,

his embittered old double-act partner

called round to accuse him of stealing his act...

And in Paris, auditions begin for the new movie,

The Nicolas Sarkozy Story.

On Paul's team tonight is a broadcaster and presenter

who is a big supporter of the Labour Party,

so that's two points to Paul's team already, thanks to Nick Hewer.

APPLAUSE

And with Ian tonight, a stand-up comedian who recently said,

"I wouldn't mind being a politician, but I'm not sure how well my jokes would go down."

Yes, it can be tricky - Gordon never really got

Tony's ironic "You can take over soon," quip.

Please welcome Ross Noble.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Nick, take a look at this.

Oh, right, yes. This is a series of U-turns.

Here we are - the Cornish pasties of great controversy.

Caravans - static Cornish pasties will be charged the same VAT

as moving Cornish pasties. There's collections -

people can give money to charity without suffering tax.

-That's buzzards. A lot of them about.

-Yes. There's the austerity, which is so bad

we might have to live in black-and-white 1950s England again.

We can't afford colour, and there's the man who's been psychologically damaged when we want to pay for it.

-Did you see the Sun headline on the pasty story?

-No, what was it?

It said, "The Chancellor listens to The Sun readers."

-No, he didn't - he listened to The Sun, as per usual.

-Yeah.

-Is that right?

-Yes.

And also there should be inverted commas around the word "readers".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, yes - this is a week of U-turns by a rotten, useless, out-of-touch government full of idiots.

How many U-turns has the government made now?

Well, if you do two U-turns, you've ended up back where you started, haven't you?

They've made 34 U-turns in two years,

-or 35 if you count their "No U-turn" policy.

-Oh, right.

Let's have a look at one of the main causes of controversy -

in my opinion, deeply unappetising and stuffed full of crap.

Who knew that Greggs did a venison and foie gras range?

How can a pasty now escape 20% value-added tax?

-If it's allowed to cool gently in the moonlight.

-Yeah.

Yeah, and the government, essentially, has done a U-turn

on a number of things which the public don't agree with.

And that's not government, as you know, Alastair.

A million people march past saying, "We don't want the war," you don't LISTEN to them.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think for not letting the first five minutes pass

without mentioning Iraq, Ian is deducted one point.

No, but you must say he skilfully introduced the subject,

because we were talking about pasties.

A pasty won't attract VAT as long as it isn't reheated or kept artificially hot.

How are Revenue And Customs going to ensure

that bakers charge the right amount of tax

on pies and pasties at different temperatures?

Travelling food inspectors armed with thermometers

to thrust into pasties to check the inner ambient temperature

and then the external temperature

and then calculate, using the Lewis-Duckworth method...

LAUGHTER

..which team would have won if it hadn't had rained.

That is absolutely brilliant, but wrong.

They've said they will not be doing spot checks on bakers at all.

"There has to be," say HMRC, "an element of trust.

"We are not here to try to catch people out."

-What?

-Another U-turn involved the Justice And Security bill published this week.

What are civil liberties groups worried about?

-Secret courts.

-Mm-hmm. Why?

Yes, they were very worried about this government's plans

to have more things like inquests conducted in secret.

And I think it's pretty important, with inquests,

that all the facts come out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Back to U-turns, and the latest one is buzzards.

-Anyone know what that's about?

-They're breeding furiously.

-And they're eating all the poults.

-Pheasants?

-Young pheasants, yeah.

-And, in fact, we've got one, thank you very much.

-OK. Right.

-What, you've got a buzzard?

-Yeah.

-It's interesting, but wrong.

-Not with me.

Buzzards have been attacking and eating pheasants that are specially...

-That's just what he said!

-No, he didn't.

-That's just what he said!

-He said he had a buzzard.

Oh, hang on - have you searched him?

Have you patted him down?

Look, can I just say, there are two versions here - Alastair's and Nick's.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why don't you just change the information on the card?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, sorry. What? What? He said it. It was you!

-He did not say it - YOU said it!

-He said it.

He's a highly skilled ventriloquist.

It's not fair. You can't put me next to him

and expect me not to join in just a little bit.

Can this contraption do minus?

-You just smash it and we'll go hell for leather.

-OK.

Jolly good.

Now, that really is enough about the government's bad week...

Oh, no, sorry - Andy Coulson.

Where did he unexpectedly find himself this week?

In the back of a cop car heading to Scotland.

Mm. Because?

Because they want to have a word.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I had absolutely no idea that you were a gangster. It's brilliant.

-Andy Coulson.

-He's been arrested for perjury.

-Yes.

-During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.

-Yes.

While he was actually working for the Prime Minister,

which is pretty shocking. Are you shocked, Alastair?

I'm shocked.

I'm glad you're shocked cos, you know, some of the people

that this government have been hanging about with -

Rebekah Brooks? Know her at all?

I do.

Were you shocked when she was arrested?

I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.

LAUGHTER He's been charged, though. Not just arrested - he's been charged.

Which is why Ian's being so careful.

About Andy Coulson, but not about me.

Well, they haven't charged you yet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it hot in here?

In case anyone thinks I'm being gratuitous -

I know that Alastair is going to be reasonable tonight

because he told Leveson, "I am robust, but I am not a bully,"

so no matter what anyone says, you're going to be really reasonable.

Tonight?

No.

That's good, though, to remember, like, if your kid gets caught kicking a fat kid.

-Just go, "No, he's not a bully - just robust."

-Robust.

-He's robust.

It probably seemed like a good idea when you said "yes".

Did anyone see Andy Coulson's replacement, Craig Oliver,

-complaining about BBC coverage?

-Can we have a look?

-Yeah.

Here he is having what the papers described as "an angry rant"

at the BBC's Norman Smith.

You could've... That, effectively...

Having a spider's web with a picture of the Prime Minister in it

and a picture of Jeremy Hunt in it and a picture of James Murdoch in it

-and saying in your piece that, by the way, having...

-I think that...

-I rest my case.

-Well, I think...

-I really rest my case.

-Oh.

Oh, dear.

I mean, call that a rant? He didn't even head-butt him.

And he didn't threaten to close the BBC down either.

-Oh, here we go.

-He's got nothing.

-Here we go.

Do you want to get a job in a post office?

-Right, on the subject of the BBC.

-Oh, yes.

What is the latest annoying gimmick being used by on-screen reporters?

-Oh, flashing their boobs. Is it the boob flash?

-No, no boob flash.

It's doing the live pieces to camera

when they're right in amongst the people that they're talking about.

Here's Newsnight's Paul Mason with an example.

The French president has disrupted not just the traffic

here in Brussels, but all the patterns of previous summits,

but what he needs now is action on his growth agenda.

-And here he is again.

-Mrs Merkel has become the nay-sayer.

She arrived saying "no" to the creation of common Eurobonds to stabilise the currency,

but for all Merkel knows, she is isolated at this summit.

But she can go on being isolated as long as the majority of Germans

believe she is doing the best she's ever done for their country.

Dear God. Yes, this is the Tories' humiliating U-turn on the pasty tax,

which will inevitably lead to the resignation of the Chancellor,

the collapse of the coalition and the triumphant return

of a resurgent Labour government under lovely Tony Blair.

At least, that's my spin on it.

The Conservatives have performed another U-turn over plans

to capture buzzards and destroy their nests.

The problem was that buzzards were eating pheasants

that were being specially bred for pheasant shoots.

Here's an idea - if you're a Tory toff with a shotgun,

why not forget about the pheasants and just shoot the buzzards?

Or, even simpler, just shoot each other.

There we go - incitement to murder. You heard it here first.

I thought you'd lost interest for a minute there.

Right, time now for Ian and Ross's question.

-The Leveson Inquiry...

-CHEERING

..can come over as a bunch of boring media tossers talking about themselves, Ian,

so I've decided to liven it up a bit with my own Leveson-ometer.

So, who is this and what has he been banging on about?

-Well, it's the return of Tony Blair.

-Much missed.

Yes! Yeah...

Yes.

-But, no...

-To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.

He didn't even flinch. He didn't blink at any point. You trained him well.

When that guy jumped out and said, "You're a war criminal,"

he didn't even... He just went, "Yeah, whatever," like that.

He didn't say, "Yeah."

In his soul he did.

Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God.

APPLAUSE

So, there he was again doing the gestures,

saying "hey", saying, "frankly" - which means "not frankly".

-With respect, Ian...

-Well...

I know you were friends...

..but the idea that you can say that Osborne's full of shit

-and then defend Blair is unbelievable.

-Sorry?

The worst thing is I heard you use the word "spin".

You said, "That's my spin on it," just now,

and Tony said neither you nor anyone else who worked for him, ever span.

-No, they said...

-He said you and Lord Mandelson

were terrifically good at presenting a positive case,

but he resented the idea of spinning.

-No, he talked about bullying, Ian, and who's the bully today?

-He's just being robust.

That's all he's doing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Well, Tony's testimony...

-I watched him. God knows why.

You know what?

I get the feeling that at any moment you two are going to kiss.

Tony's testimony was interrupted

by a protester called David Lawley Wakelin.

-What did he accuse Tony of?

-He said he was a war criminal.

But he was a very British protester.

He said, "I'm terribly sorry I've interrupted everything.

"I just wanted to say that you are a war criminal."

Everything went swimmingly

until we noticed that he was wearing the vegan sandals.

And my...

How dare you? How dare you?

Any serious protester, leave the vegans at home

and wear proper shoes cos as soon as you see the sandals, you think, "Nutter."

That's a great point worthy of an extra point for Nick. Thank you.

Ian, what's the most important part of Tony's brilliant testimony?

You've already alluded to it.

It was the song and dance number I liked.

-They edited it from the Sky News coverage, but...

-No.

-Not that bit?

-It was the bit where...

-"No spin in my time?"

-Yeah.

-He confirmed that I never bullied journalists.

-Right.

No, I think he confirmed that he didn't know about it.

-Yeah, yeah.

-He did the old Murdoch defence.

-He said...

Notice, "I never authorised them - they did it off their own bat."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?

You make tons of money for doing nothing.

He actually said....

Which is a lovely line, which I wrote.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a typo. It should say "culpable".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the subject of incompetent, unpopular people,

who has Tony Blair been secretly advising?

Oh, our Prime Minister

and the President of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev.

-Separately?

-Who knows?

-Hmm.

-Is that true, Nick?

-True.

-Really?

-Mm.

I might be saying it's a conference call.

Ian, tell us why Lord Leveson might be cross with you in the future?

Is he coming on this show? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-He'd make an amazing guest host.

-He did talk about you. Did you see it?

-No, I missed it.

-He said you were a "buccaneer".

-A buccaneer?

Is that rhyming slang?

How dare he - he's happily married.

Let's have another little spin.

Well, that's Hunt himself.

I thought it was Chris Packham.

He went back in front of Leveson, he answered all the questions -

why were there thousands of e-mails from your office,

why was your assistant in constant contact with a lobbyist -

and he gave his evidence and they didn't really

get anything further out of him and the Prime Minister has announced it's fine.

He's innocent, he doesn't have to be referred to the standards committee,

and, with one bound, Hunt is free.

I thought the most interesting thing that came out

was that he denied socialising with News Corp lobbyist Frederic Michel.

This is, of course, despite it being revealed previously at Leveson

that Hunt once texted Michel...

-It just lacks maturity.

-Mm.

-He's a boy.

-He's a boy.

Furthermore, he stuck his dirty little finger into The Apprentice and wrote to the BBC and said...

Oh, my God!

-..because Lord Sugar...

-Which apprentice was this?

..was a Labour peer, that therefore The Apprentice was a politically motivated thing

and it should be delayed until after the election.

-Ridiculous.

-Pathetic.

-Absolutely ridiculous.

-What - Hunt accused you of being politically motivated?

-No.

The Apprentice show, which is a fine business show

and got nothing to do with politics at all,

and he messed schedules around so he deserves everything he gets.

Back to the fourth form.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What did Hunt text James Murdoch on the day that the European Commission

announced it would not be intervening over the BskyB bid?

"Woo-hoo! LOL."

-I mean, more or less, he texted him, "Oh, Brussels out the way - just OFCOM to go."

-Correct.

Almost word for word - I'm going to give you a point.

CHEERING

That is the problem - when they're reading out those text messages

there hasn't been a single smiley face, you know?

And that's what's missing from the whole thing. It needs...

I nearly said "sexed up", but I'm going to say

just showbiz. A bit of showbiz in there.

Now, a meeting between Hunt and Murdoch was cancelled

on legal advice that it would be inappropriate.

-So what did Hunt do instead?

-They had a phone call.

-Correct.

-Cos that's much more appropriate.

-Another point. Yes, why...?

Do I get a point every time I suggest the Tories are nearly as bad as you lot?

And once I saw some footage of him kicking an orphan.

Hunt?

Why was a phone call more appropriate?

He was nude.

Turned up in his office, "Right... Oh, sorry. I'll ring you, I'll ring you."

There are other ongoing investigations beyond Leveson and dodgy news-gathering techniques.

How has ex-News Of The World journalist Neville Thurlbeck stirred things up a bit?

-He's dropped a little bomblet in, hasn't he?

-Has he?

-He was interviewed somewhere

which dropped a little bomblet, but I can't remember what the bomblet was.

-You don't remember what the bomblet was?

-No, tell me.

-A bomblet? That's amazing.

-It's a shock.

Oh, I thought it was like an exploding omelette.

"Would you like the full al-Qaida breakfast?"

He told MP Tom Watson that News Of The World hacks

were briefed to dig dirt on MPs on the select committee by people he called...

Which is next door to World Of Leather.

This week, the Leveson enquiry was interrupted by an earnest man who was polite but ineffectual.

And after Vince Cable had finished his evidence, he shuffled off home.

Tony appeared at the Leveson enquiry and spoke for over four hours,

which, at his normal rate, works out at just under a million quid.

So, to round two.

Normally it is the picture spin quiz,

but I don't have anything to do with spin so as an ardent monarchist

I've come up with something to mark the Diamond Jubilee. Fingers on buzzers.

TRUMPET FANFARE

BELL RINGS What are you doing?

I've lost my spectacles. Oh, they're here.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry about that. They went down there. Sorry, Paul.

-That's all right, never mind.

The ones he used to watch Blair - they're sort of rose-tinted.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Simon and Garfunkel are making a comeback.

Yeah, it was Engelbert, wasn't it? Who sadly failed in every respect.

-I went to Baku once.

-Did you?

-Did you?

Flip-flops cost 40 quid a pair.

Amazing. It's the most expensive place in the world.

They must have been pretty good flip-flops.

I didn't buy them.

-What were you doing in Azerbaijan?

-I was on my way to Kazakhstan.

-Kazakhstan? Oh, right.

Yes. And I was stuck in Bakru.

Don't go.

LAUGHTER

What was Kazakhstan like?

The extraordinary thing is, right through Kazakhstan there are pictures of Conrad Black.

-Are there?

-Extraordinary, yeah. And he's holding his hand out to young children.

I thought, "What the hell has Conrad Black got to do with anything?"

And then, of course, I suddenly realised he's an absolute dead ringer for Nursultan Nazarbayev.

The two could be like brothers. Maybe they are.

So, there are mounting calls for Britain to pull out

of the Eurovision Song contest after Engelbert embarrassed the nation.

-Where did he finish?

-He was second last.

Yeah, second to last. Beating only...?

Just a waitress. He just got really angry.

No. He beat Norway though. The Sunday Times tried to cheer him up

by writing that "at least he did not die".

Who were labelled the real stars of Eurovision this year?

-Oh, the Russian grannies?

-The Russian grannies.

Or, as Engelbert calls them, "teenagers".

THEY SING IN RUSSIAN

The thing about that song is,

that's actually a protest song about pasty tax.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's what that is.

This is, of course, Eurovision.

According to the Sunday Times, the UK's catastrophic result was largely due to tactical voting -

not the first time that tactical voting has ended in disaster for Britain,

as you will know if you voted Lib Dem at the last election.

Or Labour in the previous three.

Fingers on buzzers.

-BUZZER RINGS

-Ian.

-It's Robert Mugabe.

-That is Robert Mugabe.

He's 88. He's having a party. He's celebrating the Jubilee.

-He's been made a Goodwill Ambassador by the United Nations.

-Close-ish.

He's been made a bluecoat at Pontins.

That's closer. This is the news that murdering dictator

and international pariah Robert Mugabe

has become a UN ambassador for global tourism.

-I knew that, yeah.

-No, he's taken over from Gaddafi.

-How has this come about?

-It was a prank that went wrong.

According to the Metro...

..where Kim Jong-un will be celebrating his humorous side

with his little-known Tommy Cooper impersonation.

What has Mugabe just revealed that he has in common

with John Major, David Mellor and Suggs from Madness?

A love of two-tone.

-POSH ACCENT:

-Two-tone?

A form of popular music in the mid-to-late '80s, your honour.

One Step Beyond, I believe.

-That he's a Chelsea fan.

-Is he really?

-He's a Chelsea fan,

and what does his wife have to do when a game's on, do you know that one?

Dress up as Frank Lampard?

According to The Sun, Mugabe said...

White farmers, Morgan Tsvangirai...

On the subject of violence in football,

how has Sol Campbell been suggesting England fans

might travel back from the Euros in Ukraine this summer?

-He said...

-In coffins, wasn't it? I mean, he didn't suggest that was...

What they should do.

Yeah, because the guy at Ryanair went, "Now THAT'S an idea!"

I gave up on Ryanair when I went on a flight and they said,

"You can't go through - you've got to put toothpaste and everything in a plastic bag."

So I got to the front of the queue and they say, "No, you've got to pay for the plastic bag."

-A pound.

-A pound, so you have to go to the back of the queue again,

pay and then come forward again. Unbelievable.

75 quid for them to print out your boarding pass on the...

I'd like to go on record and say Ryanair are shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I might tell you, I once went to a casino in Odessa

and I was the only person there who hadn't got a broken nose -

and that included the women.

He's a gangster.

It's true.

Extraordinary.

Black Sea Hotel, Odessa, the casino's next door.

Don't go.

You're like a walking don't-go-on-a-trip advisor.

To be honest, I think that would be brilliant.

Just half an hour, a TV show -

forget all them kids and people doing business and that -

just you sitting there, just cool as you like,

just go, "I was in a Turkish brothel.

"Oh, yeah. A fight broke out. I stabbed a man. Enough said."

Fade to black. I'd watch it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is Robert Mugabe who was this week designated a Champion Of Tourism.

Robert Mugabe revealed this week that he is a Chelsea supporter

and the even-worse news for Chelsea

is that he's still not their most embarrassing celebrity fan.

Right, fingers on buzzers.

This is about adverts that have been complained about.

This one here is about a load of guys playing football and then they kick a cat.

Yeah, the top ten most complained-about adverts in history.

Third on the list was the one we saw there from Paddy Power.

-Shall we look at them officially not offending blind people or encouraging animal cruelty?

-Yes.

BALL JINGLES

CAT COLLAR JINGLES

And, Paul, for ten points, the most complained-about ad was...?

-There was one KFC one which was people talking with their mouth full.

-Correct.

Shall we see that?

THEY SING

Why would anybody bother to complain about that, though?

You don't want kids copying the ads, I think that's a good enough reason.

What's really offensive about that

is when they take the chicken out of their mouth,

-that's still how they talk.

-Yeah.

They went to one of the worst drama schools in London.

Yeah, it was terrible.

-The John Merrick Academy Of Drama.

-That's right, yeah.

MUMBLES LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN

And the trouble is that all the students get together and they go,

"Right, be an animal," and they all go, "I am not an animal!"

"I am a man!"

And then at the end it just says, "KFC! Finger-licking good!"

GROANS

-I mean, dodgy ads with three letters are very worrying, aren't they?

-Yes.

WM...D...

I mean, people could get the wrong idea.

Might think they existed.

But those are different letters completely.

I admire your stamina.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

An ad in 2000 from Yves Saint Laurent featuring a naked Sophie Dahl

was deemed "too sexually suggestive and likely to cause widespread offence."

Let's just check if that's still the case.

Could have been a lot worse - it could have been Roald Dahl.

I wonder if she talks with her mouth full.

This got complaints because it caused car crashes, didn't it?

I'm not surprised. That's her listening to Radio 3.

If she tweaks the other one she gets 5 Live.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the subject of brands, what have staff at Torbay Hospital

been given in recognition for a hospital winning a prestigious award?

BUZZER RINGS Kit Kat.

The top brass... No, we've got to make up some points.

I can't just be talking bollocks for the rest of the show.

The top brass got a slap-up meal and all the staff got Kit Kats.

Yeah, brilliant. A voucher for a Kit Kat worth 60p.

They didn't even get a Kit Kat - they got a VOUCHER for a Kit Kat!

Talk about a slap in the face. "Look, we're just getting a Kit Kat."

"No, you have to go and claim that."

Oh, for God's sake.

Hang on, was it one Kit Kat each or was it four people have to have one finger

or was it the King Size Chunky Kit Kat?

-I haven't got a f...clue.

-Well, get your...

you've got to get the information right.

-Just check it.

-Do you remember who you're talking to?

-Oh, sorry. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

This is the list of the most complained-about adverts

which has been released by the Advertising Standards Authority.

One of the most complained about was for a bookmaker that showed...

it received over a thousand complaints, but the good news is,

the cat survived and the man has landed a two-year contract

with Blackburn Rovers.

Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round,

Ian and Ross, your four are Barack Obama Senior,

Ratko Mladic,

a monkey on a dog

and the Dear Leader's wife.

ROSS: Is it riding dogs?

Don't you...don't you...what?

What?

It's about goats.

Barack's father kept goats.

-Yup, he was a goat-herder.

-Cherie's acting the goat.

No. Do you remember anything

-about Mladic when he was arrested?

-Well, he was a war criminal.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I don't remember any goats being killed.

He was with goats.

He was WITH goats?

What, hang oh, you mean he was wi...with goat?

What?

That's a miracle!

Do you think Cherie's ever had experience with goats?

-Um...

-Oh, behave.

What's the Cherie link with goats?

Maybe there isn't one.

Cherie's the odd one out.

Ten points.

Well done.

They've all herded goats apart from Cherie Blair

who will do so in the next few weeks.

Cherie is herding 20 goats

over London Bridge next month for charity. She is.

-Has she any previous...

-ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Does she get money for every live goat she gets across the bridge?

There's quite heavy traffic.

Is she strapping them to Volkswagens?

-Can she fire the goats, is she allowed to...

-Out of a cannon?

She could put them in a cannon and fire them at people on the other...

for every per... Is it like Angry Birds but with live goats?

An American animal display team called the Ghost Riders

features monkeys riding dogs, herding goats.

I believe Velcro is an essential ingredient.

They've all herded goats apart from Cherie Blair

who will do so in the next few weeks.

It's a strange thing to do for publicity, I accept,

in the old days you'd just tell the world

about what contraceptive equipment...

I hate that word.

It's a strange thing to do for pub-pub...

LAUGHTER

Campbell stumbles over the word "publicity."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

According to The Independent...

How petty, I thought, while I was out walking my dogs Gordy, Mandy

and Clare Short.

Paul and Nick, here's yours -

Buckingham Palace, the key participants at the Leveson Inquiry,

a Storm Trooper from Star Wars and the Gherkin.

I think that's a cake,

I saw this the other day in one of the newspapers,

somebody's produced cakes based on key participants

in the Leveson Inquiry, so it's got to be the representation of things.

Let me see, the cake is the odd one out,

cos all the others have official representations of themselves.

They've all been made out of cake apart from Buckingham Palace

which has been made out of spring rolls.

Well, it survived 200 years, I have to say, it's done very well.

A model of Buckingham Palace has been made out of 3,000 duck spring rolls

by the supermarket Iceland to mark the Diamond Jubilee.

-Here it is.

-NICK: Bravo.

Anyone know what it's called?

Duckingham Palace?

Correct.

As for the key participants of the Leveson Inquiry,

a baking website has made all the key players in the Leveson Inquiry

into cakes on a stick.

-Including ALL the participants?

-ALL the participants, Ian!

-Would anyone like to see Ian?

-What?!

Well, you never have to work again cos you can sue

for every single penny they've got.

I must say, I've always wanted to see Ian's head on a stick.

The iconic London skyscraper

is being baked by the engineering firm Arup.

How tall will the Gherkin cake be?

80 foot.

-No, it's life-size.

-Life-size?

-Life-size.

No, Paul is nearer.

So he's now up to 53.

It'll be two storeys high, 16 foot. The Gherkin is, of course,

an iconic landmark in the heart of London's financial district

and features heavily in every episode of The Apprentice.

And why shouldn't it?

After all it's only ten miles

-from the fake boardroom in Woolston where you film it, Nick.

-Easy on!

-Is that true, Nick?

-I think it's a silly business making cakes out of all these things,

-why would you...

-Absolutely!

-LAUGHTER

-Silly business, yes.

-Is it not a real boardroom?

I QUITE like...I quite like the Storm Trooper one.

They've all been made out of cake apart from Buckingham Palace

which has been made out of spring rolls.

The Royals don't have Chinese takeaways,

not since the time they foolishly allowed Prince Philip

to go and answer the door.

Um...

They're on your face, just there.

Look, I've got my glasses,

but I don't have my Missing Words cards.

No, the words aren't meant to be in there.

LAUGHTER They're "missing".

-PAUL:

-Walking in, I'm going in.

-Missing Words.

-MAN: there'll be red stickers on them.

ROSS: Is that them? MAN: Yes.

NICK: Was he sitting on them?

I've got your wallet down here, an' all.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, and for that heinous act, we're reducing him five points.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Missing Words Round

which this week features as its guest publication Spinning News.

And we start with...

-The answer...

-ROSS: Oh, hang on.

-The answer: No.

-What?

-That's right,

-the missing word's in the question.

-Yeah.

-So shut the

-BLEEP

-up.

LAUGHTER

I thought you were meant to be, like, all cool under pressure,

-and you've just said, "Shut the

-BLEEP

-up."

I told you I'd get him to snap, didn't I? Didn't I?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What the HELL is that?

Carry on, Ian.

Security!

BAGPIPES GROAN

BAGPIPES PLAY

BELL RINGS

That doesn't work it!

I give up, I did it! I did it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what he was playing there?

The BSkyB Boat Song.

The answer is...

Next...

If you say Labour, I'll play my bagpipes again.

No, that would be ridiculous to say Labour, it's NEW Labour.

APPLAUSE

-Nazi.

-Is it, um...what?

-Nazi.

-Nazi!

-Was the worst party ever.

-ROSS: Don't go that far.

Sorry, I was answering the question,

I was looking at you, but I was answering the question.

The answer is...

You've obviously never been invited

to one of Ed Miliband's Boggle and fondue evenings.

Next...

NICK: Wear Spandex.

The Queen never sweats in public, she stinks.

-Sneeze.

-Sneeze.

-Why does the Queen never what?

-Sneezes!

-Sneeze! Well done, Paul.

This is from an article about the Queen's personal habits and foibles.

I think I was following advice on that answer,

I wasn't sure but you seemed to be confident, so I went with "sneeze."

But at this point, I haven't looked at all the possibilities, of course,

and I'll be listening to other interested parties

-on the various aspects of this question.

-APPLAUSE

Good.

-No, you were right, Paul.

-Can we have the Attorney General's opinion?

Yeah, and then ignore it.

APPLAUSE

This is from an article about the Queen's personal habits and foibles,

apparently, when it comes to drinking tea...

Whom she sends down to the kitchen to brew up a mug of builder's

with lots of milk and three sugars.

Finally...

ROSS: Internet egg sites?

A lonely chicken is being encouraged to lay eggs again

after watching videos of other hens on an iPad.

The story reveals that the tabloids have a very tenuous grasp of nature.

The Daily Mail...

-HE SPITS

-..headline was...

HE?! A hen?!

So the final scores are Ian and Ross 2,

Paul and Nick 55.

Very good. APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition,

Ian and Ross have this...

ROSS: Look at that twat!

And, Paul and Nick, you get this...

It's guardsman selected for live sacrifice

as climax to Jubilee celebrations.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ross Noble,

Paul Merton and Nick Hewer, and I leave you with news

that after speaking for four hours at the Leveson Inquiry

Tony Blair is told he won't be receiving a fee.

In London, someone finally replies to a penis-enlargement e-mail.

And in the wardrobe department at The Apprentice

there's an awkward silence as Karren Brady tries on a short skirt.

Good night.

The security here is tighter than for Leveson

and hecklers will be swiftly and forcibly removed, Ian.

WAR CRIMINAL!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE