Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I went through years and years of being mistaken for Sue Barker, constantly.

-So I just swear when anybody says, "Are you Sue Barker?" I go

-BLEEP,

-yes.

They walk away going, "That Sue Barker, she's got a hell of a mouth on her."

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Clare Balding.

In the news this week, at a call centre in Kilmarnock,

a salesman finally connects with someone who actually does

want to talk about their PPI insurance.

And after more flooding hits Tewkesbury,

one resident realises that he may have put the sandbags

on the wrong side of the door.

In an advanced training exercise at JFK Airport,

one unfortunate customs officer is chosen

to play the role of Julian Assange.

On Paul's team tonight

is a politician who lost the London Mayoral election in 2008,

and lost again in 2012.

In the racing world, once you stop winning

you're retired and put out to stud.

Oh, sorry, you already have been!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ken Livingstone.

APPLAUSE

And with Ian tonight

is a writer famous for penning Father Ted, of which he says,

"Ted is so fondly remembered, I'll probably have it on my gravestone."

Let's hope that gravestone never has to be crushed and used as landfill.

Please welcome Graham Linehan.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Graham, take a look at this.

Yes, they're standing up, but they're not for him.

There's the star of the show.

And there's someone who didn't turn up.

-And there's the Prime Minister going out to have a curry.

-Yes.

With just the two of them, and a photographer.

I think they nipped out the back, and went somewhere else.

To a Garfunkel's.

So this is the Tory conference,

which was incredibly exciting,

cos the leader of the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson...

Well, if you're watching the repeat it is.

There's a fantastic moment in Boris Johnson's speech,

when the Prime Minister was sitting in the audience,

fantastically patronising, he just said, "Is Dave here?

"Dave you're here, yes."

Who would have thought that the leader of the Conservative Party

would be at the Conservative Party Conference?

For a politician, his jokes are really top class.

-I mean, Cameron called him...

-No offence, but generally...

I don't know, I don't know that they are.

I mean, he's in this world at the moment

where the people who like Boris -

which there are many in the Conservative party -

they see him come on, they're very excited,

they're all waiting for the first joke,

and Boris says, "David Cameron referred to me as a mop.

"Well, I think he's a broom."

And everybody roars with laughter. "I think he's a broom."

He hasn't done the joke yet.

He's just muttering away, and it's a great gift, I wish I had it.

Talking a load of old rubbish, and everyone thinks you're hilarious.

His stock, obviously, was boosted by the success of the Olympics.

This is what he said about it...

You and me both, mate!

It's an incredible set of speeches,

because he made the Tory conference

give Ken Livingstone a round of applause.

-He did.

-I'll never recover from that!

We can have a look at that moment.

This is the right moment, I think, to say thank you

to Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Tessa Jowell,

and, yes, Ken Livingstone!

Thank you. Right.

I really think, Ken, there is no coming back from that one.

You've just got a clap from Tory Party Conference.

If that hasn't finished you, nothing will!

That's a joke!

That's a proper joke.

He had them clapping without telling them why they were clapping.

So they were completely in thrall to him at the moment.

And you've got to bear in mind,

it was after listening to George Osborne -

anything's going to be uplifting after that.

Osborne got through a whole speech without being booed.

It's pretty good.

There is very a simple way of finding out

how popular a politician is,

as we can see here from the Paralympics.

The medals tonight will be presented by

the Right Honourable George Osborne MP.

Chancellor of the Exchequer.

CROWD BOOS

I think it's worth the whole £9 billion of taxpayers' money.

APPLAUSE

What sort of advice have they got? You know that's going to happen.

Has anyone ever cheered any Chancellor of the Exchequer,

for God's sake? They're all hated.

What do you do if people are just booing you?

I mean, you can't go, "Ooh!" Like that.

That would probably make it worse.

I think you should start lashing out at people.

Just why... There's nowhere else to go. Just slap someone.

They hate you already, so you might as well get a punch at somebody who you've always wanted to punch.

What, a gold medallist?

You say it was worth nine billion, but you didn't bid nine billion,

it was about two in your day.

-4.2.

-4.2. It doubled, did it?

-It doubled.

You can't bring it in under budget, unless you double the budget.

And Mitchell had to go home, didn't he?

Mitchell wasn't allowed to go to a conference

in the county for which he is an MP.

Yeah, but can you imagine the scene at the gate.

"I'm David Mitchell," you say to friendly policeman.

"I don't think you're getting in, sir."

-Has he changed his name from Andrew Mitchell?

-Oh, right, yeah!

-He's a comedian.

-How long has Private Eye been a paper of record?

We'll have a look at how ITN covered Andrew Mitchell's rant.

The Daily Telegraph has published what it claims is a transcript

of the police log from last Wednesday.

In it, the officer noted Mr Mitchell said...

"Best you learn your swearword place...

"you don't run this swearword government...

"You're swearword plebs."

I can't believe they're allowed to say "swearword."

-What about swearword

-BLEEP

-wits?

APPLAUSE

And what you make of the Tory chairman, Grant Shapps,

and his alter ego, Michael Green?

He was telling people how to become successful, using an alter ego.

And, I mean, he is quite successful.

I mean, he's now running the party.

Oh, right, so that's the success? That's the success?

He got the job.

Well, isn't it, I mean,

obviously this will be cut out if it's libellous...

I wouldn't bet on it!

Go for it, Graham.

-What he's doing, isn't that being a conman?

-No, no.

He's just using another identity. It's like going online,

and pretending you're a Belgian princess.

Hasn't everyone done that?

Just me, then.

No, I mean he's using a pseudonym.

This is the new Tory chairman, Grant Shapps.

He WAS at the conference,

and the indefatigable Michael Crick

spotted Shapps, and followed him,

to try and ask him whether the testimonials on his website

were from real people.

This should be a new Olympic sport.

'The Advertising Standards Authority, the ASA,

'are now handling a complaint about HowToCorp's testimonials.

'It's quite possible, of course, these people do exist,

'since their tributes date from years ago,

'but Mr Shapps didn't seem keen today to help find them.'

What about Corinne Stockheath of Surrey?

Doesn't appear to be any Stockheath anywhere in the world.

Doesn't appear to be a Stockheath anywhere in the world.

Was she genuine?

Is Richard Warton of Tektriox, New York genuine?

Is JLM Richards of the Wallerson Trust?

Doesn't appear to be a Wallerson Trust

Michael, everybody is genuine.

I'm answering the questions for the ASA,

and I think that should do the trick.

That's not a guilty man, is it?

You don't dart about like that, if you've got something to hide.

Well, he used to be Minister for Housing,

so I'm very worried about his sense of rooms.

He can't seem to find a toilet.

Meanwhile, what did David Cameron do, recently,

in an attempt to boost his own popularity?

Cut his throat?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

We would have heard about that, wouldn't we?

This must be Twitter.

-Oh, yes, of course, he joined Twitter.

-Tweet.

According to the Mail, Cameron spent the weekend being...

..and then he joined Twitter.

-You are on Twitter, aren't you, all the time?

-Yes.

So what did Cameron say on Twitter? What's he telling us?

Oh, I don't follow him.

So, on the sort of substance of the conference,

what were the big policy announcements this week?

We're going back to being the Nasty Party.

Are you, Ken? That is news!

We've had seven years of "hug a hoodie,"

now they've dumped all that crap, it's back to "beat up the poor".

-Beat up who?

-The poor.

-Beat up the poor?

I missed that slogan.

But you can beat up burglars now,

as long as you're not grossly disproportionate.

So you can kill them, but you can't poo on their head.

And just to make sure

that we were certain of what we could and couldn't do,

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling told the Today programme...

-Thanks, Chris.

-Or drag him outside, and run over him with a car.

But it's good to have boundaries, I think. Don't you?

Or put lipstick on him, and take photographs of him,

and then post them on Facebook.

We're going to have to rewrite Goldilocks, aren't we?

In she comes, whack!

Dead, three bears jump on her head.

But, the point of the story was that the bears weren't there

when she arrived.

That's why she managed to get all the porridge.

You really must do your research, Ian. It's a very well-known story.

-There have been many independent eyewitnesses over the years.

-She was upstairs,

cos she went to sleep at the end of the story.

So she was there and the bears did go up, and they did confront her.

-They returned to the empty house.

-So, I did do the research.

-That's not what you said.

-No, no.

I didn't actually say when they actually attacked her.

We are genuinely having a legal row about Goldilocks, aren't we? Yes.

It's very important.

Very.

What did George Osborne promise to clamp down on

-at this year's conference?

-Non-millionaires.

Anything that's still nice.

"Workshy scroungers", was the phrase.

Ken, there's been a row recently

about the BBC paying people as companies, rather than individuals.

And I've always thought of you as a person,

and a very individual person,

but now I find out you're a company. And, respect. Well done.

Congratulations.

Well, if you want advice about how to run your city,

that's what we provide.

-I'm not a city, I'm just a person.

-So, you wouldn't come to me, would you? GRAHAM: I'm a farm.

I'm a field.

I'd like to be an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

But I'm not. I'm not.

So, you're a company, are you, Ken,

that offer advice on running a city?

-Yeah.

-With a straight face.

Yes.

So, you didn't set up the company in order to lower your tax rate?

The only way you lower your tax rate,

is you have some offshore holding and you funnel it all through that.

You see, Private Eye's got a column on that every week.

Yeah, I know how it works. I'm interested in yours.

I employed an economist, I employed a press officer,

I employed my wife as my secretary.

-Well, that's obviously straight.

-That is.

I mean, do you want to spend all your time handling all my e-mails

and letters...

-No, but you could.

-No, I couldn't.

I'm flying around the world advising people how to screw up their city.

This week, Boris had to declare the gifts that he's received

since becoming mayor.

Did you do any good for freebies, Ken?

The Mayor of New York,

they have these Tiffany glass apples,

which were worth a bob or two.

But mostly it's complete junk.

-So, you kept that one, did you?

-I kept that one.

What was really funny, though, in the handover,

about a week after I'd lost, and Boris took over...

Don't go there if it's too painful, Ken.

Bloomberg flew in, and he was coming to say, "Congratulations"

and, "Anything I can do to help?"

And he gave him this Tiffany crystal apple,

and no-one had told Boris that this was going to happen.

So he rummages around, and I'd left an old T-shirt,

with something like a tube map on the front, in the desk.

And he gave him that.

I went to London and all I got was this T-shirt.

In the interest of balance,

I do have to mention the Lib Dem conference.

Done that now.

APPLAUSE

And finally, who would like to see Eddie Mair's giant arm

-on Newsnight, the other night?

-Yes, please!

-Yes.

Both the Miliband and the Cameron speeches

were really good performances, in their own way.

The Miliband one is a sterling victory for him.

APPLAUSE

Could he qualify for the Paralympics, there?

He would be good swimming, wouldn't he?

-Javelin.

-Basketball.

-Wanking.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Not every discipline is an Olympic sport.

This is the party conference season, which marks the start of autumn,

and the brutal snuffing out of the Olympic feel-good factor.

Boris Johnson was the star of the conference season.

Yes, one minute you're a blond mop-top, hosting a TV news quiz,

the next you're a Prime Minister in waiting.

My campaign starts here.

And remember, a Balding Britain is a better Britain!

APPLAUSE

That's a slogan I like.

Paul and Ken, take a look at this.

Yes. Well, I had a look at somebody's internet machine today

because I understand there was a hoax thing put on there

about 12 years ago now.

But because these things exist forever

people have grown up and forgotten that they knew it was a hoax.

-And he WAS on the show.

-And he WAS on the show, yes.

There was this transcript where apparently I tore into him.

None of that happened on the night.

But there are now people on the internet who claim to have seen it.

Somebody said, "I definitely saw that!"

"Why has Paul Merton denied it on Radio 2?"

I've been brainwashed. If I have, then how do I know?

But no, it didn't happen. It was a hoax. But...

Have we got any footage of that?

We have some footage of Jimmy Savile.

Didn't you live in a caravan for many, many years?

12 years I lived in a motor caravan, yes.

-What did you do in the caravan?

-Anybody I could lay me hands on.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Unbelievable!

He was good at hiding in plain sight with that kind of comment, wasn't he?

Apparently his biography is full of basically him admitting all of this,

and so he created a smokescreen comprised of the truth.

Yes!

It's a brilliant disguise - you dress up as a paedophile.

I'm glad the BBC has asked this question.

Presumably this'll be cut and shown on ITV in three weeks' time.

LAUGHTER

But the thing that I find annoying

is the press', "Oh what a shock!"

This revelation.

There is a hysterical, "Why didn't the BBC reveal it?"

Well, the press didn't reveal it either.

It's what is the word "know" means.

If you say "I knew about it", you mean you'd heard the rumours.

Everyone had heard the rumours.

If you actually knew about it,

you should've done something about it.

The only people who know about it are people to whom it's happened,

and they tend to be disadvantaged, 12,

and not in the mood to go through a court trial.

That is why nothing came out.

It's disgusting the way the press are using it

not just as a stick to beat the BBC with, but any state institution.

I saw an editorial the other day that blamed the NHS

for him wandering around hospitals and state schools.

It's just... It's so weird.

It's incredible the way they'll take a subject as serious as this

and try and twist it into a political attack.

I never got it. People were saying, he died and there were programmes

saying he was a much-loved national treasure. Was he?

"Everyone loved Jimmy Savile." Did they?!

I remember when he came on I'm thinking, "Urgh!"

I didn't shout "You're a paedo", because I didn't know.

You do need evidence.

When that fake transcript came up, the only reason I knew about it

was because I was outside a cinema in Maidstone

and a group of skinheads came up to me and said,

"Well done getting the paedo."

And I hadn't. I had no idea what they were talking about.

The truth is, no-one actually knew,

and if they did, they should be prosecuted.

Anyway, that's comic gold!

LAUGHTER

The resources a paper like the Sun or The Mirror

will put on to digging out something about someone who's famous -

how could he just get away with this for 40 years?

Didn't he always spend a day at Checkers at Christmas time with Margaret Thatcher?

That may be the answer to your question.

I'm sure the idea that you know people right at the top.

It's the equivalent of Cameron knowing Murdoch -

they're not equivalent, obviously.

LAUGHTER

In the Daily Mail today they tried to turn it into

an argument about the Leveson Inquiry

and there was an editorial that ended by saying yes, phone-hacking was bad,

but it was used mainly for celebrity tittle-tattle.

Why wasn't it used for this?!

The thing I think is a bit sad,

is all these people at home who have Jim'll Fix It badges

and they've that little memory of their childhood

just completely wiped.

I think we should get all those badges - we can organise this,

this is something Twitter would be good for.

Get them and melt them down and turn into them into a giant stake

and drive it through his grave!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The classicals are horrified.

They've seized on the opportunity to stick the boot into the BBC

although being journalists, they would never have been interested

in rumours about major celebrities or indeed young girls in bikinis.

The Daily Mail Online, the world's most popular newspaper website,

recently published this picture...

Is that a paparazzi snap? Do you think that's done with consent?

It look like it was taken on an iPhone.

It explains, she's 14...

She's 14!

That's awful.

-They do it all the time, Mail Online.

-The sidebar of shame.

There isn't a single story there on the right-hand side

that isn't about a woman, that isn't commenting on what she looks like.

You're either too fat, too thin,

too many children, not enough children.

Then they say, "Oh, the women can't have it all."

No, because you constantly bloody tell us we can't have it all!

Some of us are perfectly happy and having a wonderful life, thanks!

APPLAUSE

The other thing... Someone pointed out to me an experiment

you can do with Mail Online, which is,

if you put in quotes the phrase "all grown up"...

If you put that in quote in the search bar,

then all you'll get is stories

about young girls hitting their 16th birthday.

Accompanied usually by a photograph.

It's like a dog whistle for,

"You are now allowed to lech over this girl."

The one ray of sunshine in this entire story

is that no-one will ever need or want to do Jimmy Savile impressions again.

LAUGHTER

-Which is a relief.

-There's still a costume you can get online.

Really? Well, Halloween's coming up!

LAUGHTER

This is the much-loved saintly philanthropist

and tireless charity fundraiser...

I'm so sorry, that is last year's script.

This is the reviled paedophile

and serial sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, OBE.

According to the Sun, when Savile visited Broadmoor hospital...

Although Sutcliffe is now desperately trying now to distance himself from those stories.

And so to round two, the Picture-Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

That could keep spinning for ever and I would never know what it's about.

Is it an early, erm...

LAUGHTER

I was thinking an early descendant of Homo No-Legs.

It makes it difficult to walk, presumably.

Especially if your genitals have been replaced by a torch!

LAUGHTER

-What is that?

-It's not the past.

It's what we'll be in the future.

We will wear our stomachs on the outside?

Because we'll be sitting at computers

and the computers will be very far, for some reason?

In 1,000 years' time, anatomical experts have predicted

that everyone will look like this.

How drunk were they when the predicted this?

Apparently we will all be...

Making us all Homo Eric Pickleus!

LAUGHTER

Why have we got torches as genitals?

So we can piss in the dark?

LAUGHTER

-That's what evolution's about.

-Every man's dream.

-We do anyway, don't we?

-In other science news,

who has been spotted on the side of the Austrian Alps?

Did it look like a famous person or something?

Ah.

Oh, that's great.

Just remind us which one's the mountain and which one's Einstein.

Minutes after this photo was taken though,

a sudden avalanche turned him into the spit of Bobby Charlton.

Speaking of Nobel Prize Winners, who has joined the ranks this week?

-The British scientist.

-Sir John Gurdon.

-He was at Eton.

The scientific community describe him as being

the godfather of cloning and stem-cell therapy,

after he performed an experiment resulting in the cloning of a frog

-whilst at Oxford in the 1960s.

-Wow!

But that was a particular surprise

to his old science teacher, Mr Gaddon. He came...

Why were they studying bottoms?

It was Eton!

Cheap!

Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.

Speaking of terrible science, did you see this on Newsnight?

An experiment that was conducted on Newsnight

to discover which freezes quicker, warm liquid or a cold liquid.

We've got a big problem with this experiment.

-We have!

-Neither has frozen! Did you put them in that freezer?

This is rubbish, isn't it? Look - they're both completely liquid.

But I'm sure the red one's colder.

You stick your finger in, they're both the same.

They are.

This is a completely rubbish experiment.

That's an interesting new direction for Newsnight!

What are they going to do next week, boil an egg or something?

This is the news that, in 1,000 years, we 'll all look like

a Wayne Rooney action figure that's been left too close to the radiator.

Scientists predict that in the future

our brains will gradually reduce in size.

So if, over the next 1,000 years, our brains ARE getting smaller,

that means that, in evolutionary terms, Jedward are ahead of us.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

Abu Hamza has finally been airlifted to America,

where he can, I don't know, not face trial there?

No, he's on trial. They put him straight in a court.

-Oh, really?

-It took 14 years here.

-It took one morning in America.

-LAUGHTER

But they've taken away his hook.

-Yes.

-So he appeared without his hook.

They've given him one of those plungers the Daleks have.

They have actually given him a pair of rubber hands.

-Oh, really? That's nice.

-Do you know anything about the hands he has been promised?

Have they got a mind of their own?

Are they the hands of a concert pianist?

All of a sudden he'll start playing Rachmaninov's Third and doesn't know why.

LAUGHTER

Or a strangler.

He's going to receive custom-made cable-operated hands in the coming weeks.

Like a puppet.

I'm sorry, I don't really like making jokes about it, either.

I don't think he's a fount of comedy.

-HE LAUGHS

-Given the last round, he's gold!

LAUGHTER

-Do you actually know what he's been charged with?

-No, I don't, no.

-Um...

-A series of terrorist offences.

Setting up a terrorist training camp in Oregon.

-In Oregon?

-Mmm. And aiding in the abduction of 16 hostages.

-And dressing like a pirate as well.

-LAUGHTER

-Which unlikely person...

-Going to be one hell of a Halloween, isn't it?

Can't choose my costume now.

Which unlikely person found themselves embroiled

in the Abu Hamza extradition row over the summer?

The Queen.

Correct.

The Queen said to the BBC's Frank Gardner,

"I don't see why we can't get rid of him, it's rather annoying."

Not get rid of him in a "kill him",

James Bondy sense. She knew it was a joke, the Olympic thing.

LAUGHTER

Very good, wasn't she?

"Good evening, Mr Bond."

And that corgi was so good...

he died.

-Monty the corgi, who starred in it...

-No!

He thought, "It's never going to get any better."

LAUGHTER

He didn't, Ian!

He did! No old person's retirement acting home for him.

-No, he just keeled over.

-No, no, no.

You can make jokes about Jimmy Savile and Abu Hamza,

but not a corgi dying. That's not...

-LAUGHTER

-There's a hoax on the internet

when he appeared on this programme, apparently.

Speaking of ideological lunatics, Ken...

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-No, no, no, I haven't finished.

Why has it been a better week for your mate Hugo Chavez?

He got elected with a 10% lead.

When he turned up at the polling station to cast his own vote,

he was greeted by a surprising fan.

It was Danny Glover, the star of Lethal Weapon, was there.

Look.

But you're still his BFF, Ken, don't worry.

LAUGHTER

I tell you, he didn't start out as a leftist.

When he first got elected in '98, he flew to London

to get advice from Tony Blair about how to run his country.

And then went back and changed his mind.

This is the extradition of Abu Hamza to the United States.

Abu Hamza was finally extradited and flown into New York,

though disappointingly for him,

into an airport rather than a tall building.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

After his plane landed in New York,

Abu Hamza's hook was confiscated by security,

an embarrassing miss by British airport security,

though to be fair, they did confiscate his bottle of sun cream.

LAUGHTER

So now for a bonus round.

LAUGHTER

Ah!

Come here, you little sod!

LAUGHTER

It's been a big week for people doing ridiculously idiotic stunts.

Let's play the Wheel Of Idiots.

DRUM ROLL

Ah, that's Lance Armstrong, who's a cheat.

-LAUGHTER

-So...

APPLAUSE

This is the guy who went up about three miles and then jumped out and came down again.

His balloon was twisted.

He's going to do it again. 22 miles up, isn't he?

It's an extraordinary thing. It's higher than any other human being has ever leapt.

He's going to break the sound barrier entirely on his own.

And he's going to do a forward roll just as he lands.

Cos the landing's the quite tricky bit.

Felix Baumgartner is his name.

He was hoping to be the first free-falling human

to break the sound barrier.

-Yeah.

-Would you like to see a picture of his balloon?

-Yes, please!

There it is.

Stretched out like a rugby league player's testicle.

Which is a very topical comment,

because, Ian, I'm sure you know this,

cos I'm sure you watch the Super League grand final.

Certainly do. Did.

-But there's a player called Paul Wood, who's a Warrington Wolves prop.

-Mmm.

And he ruptured his testicle in the first minute of the second half.

-He played on...

-Oh, my God!

-..to full time,

then he went to hospital and had the testicle removed,

and then the next day he tweeted,

"Our coach told us to put our balls on the line,

"I didn't think he meant it so literally!"

LAUGHTER

What was special about the skydiver's spacesuit?

It's pretty airtight, I assume.

GRAHAM: I don't think that's special for a spacesuit.

LAUGHTER

It had some sort of... I guess the same thing on it

that they put on spaceships for re-entering the atmosphere.

-That's right.

-I don't know what that's called. Shields.

-Yeah.

Or is that Star Trek?

LAUGHTER

Shields are down, my balls are frying up.

LAUGHTER

The suit has a mirror to detect parachute deployment.

There's a comfort liner, in other words a nappy,

which is also handy if you can't detect parachute deployment.

LAUGHTER

What are the major risks?

GRAHAM LAUGHS

How long have you got?

Let's have a look at how it's going to unfold for our friend.

GRAHAM: Oh, my God!

-Ooh...

-That's the moment I would be thinking,

"This was a mistake."

LAUGHTER

And that's the sound barrier.

It's not a bungee jump, is it?

He gets within three feet of the Earth and then back up again.

This is the 23-mile freefall

planned by Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner.

If you're watching the repeat on Dave,

that's the late Felix Baumgartner.

-LAUGHTER

-Now the next spin.

DRUM ROLL

Oh, yes, this is David Blaine, isn't it?

BUZZER

He's going to lock himself into an electric suit, there's going to be thousands of millions of volts

-poured into him, and he's going to fry an egg on his forehead while it happens.

-That's just about right.

To follow up the one when he came to London and lay in a glass box.

Mmm.

-Yes.

-And he'd done it in New York and everyone went, "Fantastic, David,"

and he came to London and everyone threw eggs at him.

LAUGHTER

And said, "You're pathetic." Which I found incredibly cheering.

Does this need Paxman to come and just say, "This is rubbish"?

LAUGHTER

"We're firing electricity at you and you're not even dead!"

Blaine sold the feat as an...

By way of contrast, the physicist John Belcher said...

LAUGHTER

-Interestingly, though, his tricks do inspire some people.

-Mmm.

You know, he spent seven days in a water tank,

he was frozen on a giant block of ice for almost 64 hours,

he was suspended 30 feet above London for 44 days.

And despite warnings not to copy his efforts, you know,

there are always idiots who will give it a go.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, if we could just run the electric current along that wire...

LAUGHTER

This is another of what David Blaine calls daredevil stunts,

and what everyone else calls

pathetic attempts to attract attention.

The stunt requires David Blaine

to be bombarded by a million volts of electricity for 72 hours.

According to the Mail...

After switching his electricity supplier to one with a cheaper tariff.

So here we go, with the next spin.

DRUM ROLL

David Blaine!

Is it somebody trying to cross the Atlantic or a large body of water

by walking inside this huge wheel?

The first human hamster.

What's going on with this week? Why is all this stuff happening?

Cos the Olympics are over and the Paralympics are over,

and everybody's just trying to

do something they think is entertaining and sporting together,

and they're failing.

-Don't describe yourself!

-LAUGHTER

I'm just going to take up archery.

This is Chris Todd, who has made himself this hamster wheel,

and tried to cross the Irish Sea.

Nine hours into his journey, the wheel sank.

Or as the lifeguard put it...

Who did the charity blame for the fundraising failure?

Well, it had a lifeboat sticker on it.

Was he raising money for them?

He was raising money for the lifeboats.

Well, that's good, cos he proved that you need them

to come out and rescue you.

-This is true.

-It's clear it was all deliberate.

But according to the charity spokesperson...

A technical fault with the wheel that Chris built.

I blame Chris.

LAUGHTER

Speaking of things at the bottom of the sea off the Irish coast,

they think they've found oil.

-Oil?!

-Yeah. Off the coast of Cork.

Oh, shit, that means the Americans and the British

are going to liberate us.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is Chris Todd, who this week admitted defeat

in his attempt to cross the Irish Sea in a giant hamster wheel.

According to the Mail...

Provided he could reach up to the little metal drinking tube.

LAUGHTER

And the last spin of this magnificent wheel.

DRUM ROLL

Brilliant!

-Oh, this is the guy... He's had a cockroach-eating competition.

-Yeah.

And he won and then collapsed in agony.

GRAHAM: Who'd have thought that would be bad for you?

LAUGHTER

You're absolutely right, Edward Archbold is his name,

and he did take part in this cockroach-eating competition in South Florida,

and he did win the competition, but yes, he died.

Oh, well, that's hysterical(!)

Obviously.

Any guesses as to what the prize was?

A giant bust of Lyndon Johnson.

According to the Telegraph, the prize was a python.

LAUGHTER

What, for dessert?

I'm not sure,

why would you try and win a cockroach-eating competition

when the prize was a python?

I mean, both these things are just... Why?

Yes, there doesn't seem to be an upside to any of this.

It's marginally better

than a python-eating contest where the prize was a cockroach.

LAUGHTER

-I had a pet python when I was a kid.

-Course you did!

-I turned out all right.

-Who didn't?

I had an alligator as well. I was really weird, I'm afraid.

-Where?

-How big was the alligator?

-In my bedroom. I mean...

LAUGHTER

There was the bed in the middle and then three rows of tanks all the way round,

filled with tropical frogs, snakes, alligator...

Oh, God, I also had a pet ostrich.

-LAUGHTER

-You've only just remembered?

I must have had hundreds of different animals.

-But you couldn't keep the ostrich in your bedroom?

-No, it was when I was trekking across the Sahara Desert.

That's not a pet, Ken.

I used to carry it... It was only a baby, I used to carry it under my arm.

-Its little head would be up like that.

-Did you think you were Rod Hull?

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

Horse Brass, the journal of the National Horse Brass Society.

And we start with...

Is it a misprint, should it be bra?

"My first horse bra is a constant reminder

"of how much I enjoy dressing horses in lingerie"?

LAUGHTER

The answer is, "My first horse brass is a constant reminder

"of why I like collecting horse brasses."

LAUGHTER

Next...

As free gift.

LAUGHTER

Condoms?

We're seeing into Ken's brain a little too much now, I think.

His next election campaign has been written.

-The answer...

-Heroin?

-Very close.

-Cocaine!

-Cocaine is the answer.

-Whoa.

"Council candidate handed out cocaine with election leaflets."

-According to...

-In certain London boroughs, I'm sure that would go down awfully well.

-According to locals in Itacoatiara, Brazil...

-Aah.

..council candidate, Carme Cristina Lima, was giving people cocaine on condition that they voted for her.

Police got suspicious

when one of her speeches got a 20-hour standing ovation.

LAUGHTER

Next...

Um...border.

-LAUGHTER

-Very good.

In rush for, um... cosmetic surgery.

Close.

Big noses.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Afghan women are having surgery to enlarge their noses

to help them find a husband.

Nasal enhancement is a common form of plastic surgery in Afghanistan.

Of course, over here,

the quickest way for a woman to get an enlarged nose

is to go out with Justin Lee Collins.

AUDIENCE HISSES

You can't hiss that!

LAUGHTER

Yes, you have to be careful about the things you're hissing.

-LAUGHTER

-Next...

Brass horses.

LAUGHTER

-Is it toilet seats?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That's your answer to every question on this show for the last 22 years, "Is it toilet seats?"

-I thought it might look like a horse brass.

-What's a smaller version of a toilet seat?

-A urinal.

-A horseshoe.

A horseshoe's a smaller version of a toilet seat?

LAUGHTER

The answer is bottle openers.

Oh, yes, of course.

This is from Horse Brass magazine.

In July's edition, editor, Dick Bradshaw, writes...

And finally...

Says, "Piss off, Jesus."

LAUGHTER

Blasphemous pineapple says, "Bollocks to the Pope," I mean, I don't know.

Blasphemous pineapple converts to Methodism.

-Quite close.

-Quite close?!

LAUGHTER

The answer is, "Blasphemous pineapple causes atheist row."

Members of Reading University's Atheist Society

were thrown out of a freshers' fair

because they displayed a pineapple called Mohammed on their stall.

The incident provoked strong debate on both sides.

"It's a basic issue of free speech.

"There's nothing wrong with calling a pineapple Mohammed."

Said a banana called Malcolm.

LAUGHTER

So the final scores are,

Ian and Graham have six points,

Paul and Ken have 10.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

-LAUGHTER

-Horse invents Pot Noodle phone

that allows him to speak directly to brick wall.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And finally...

Fenton...Fenton!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ken! Ken, you lost the election!

Where are you?

LAUGHTER

Ken!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Graham Linehan, Paul Merton and Ken Livingstone.

And I leave you with news that after another ship is hijacked

off the North African coast,

the Somalian ambassador is summoned to the White House.

LAUGHTER

Members of China's Olympic team who only won bronze

are welcomed back home.

LAUGHTER

And following Ed Balls' new image change,

there are fears Labour is lurching to the Far Right.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd