Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 2

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Transcript


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Ten years since I was last on this show, shortly after a small-scale scandal

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which, at the time, was called,

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"The biggest scandal in the BBC's history."

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Things change!

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Good evening. Welcome to

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Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

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In the news this week, in the offices of Wonga.com,

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two desperate customers apply for a massive loan.

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At their regular briefing at Labour HQ, the Shadow Chancellor

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looks for a leadership poll that he can actually show to Ed Miliband.

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The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid

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the Inland Revenue takes a new twist,

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as the company reveals its current tax advisor.

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APPLAUSE

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On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian

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who has written a book called, The Joy Of No Sex.

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Presumably, a guide to married life. Please welcome Will Smith.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a TV and radio presenter

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who once appeared in Hotel Babylon,

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in which his character hired escort girls to play Scrabble with him.

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He then had sex, which was worth ten points.

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Please welcome Richard Bacon.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

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Oh, yes, Prince Charles.

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He writes letters to various government ministers,

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saying what he would like to happen about certain issues.

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We're not allowed to see them because it might affect him

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when he's King, apparently.

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It's him practising being a king at the moment.

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He practises being a king every Tuesday.

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Work experience, it's called.

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It's come from Dominic Grieve, hasn't it?

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I think Prince Charles wrote a lot of letters to Tony Blair's government

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in 2004 and 2005, commenting on a range of issues.

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What, from biscuits, to yogurt?

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I like your wife.

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But Dominic Grieve, he's the Attorney General,

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and his position appears to be

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that Prince Charles is supposed to be neutral,

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but because he hasn't been neutral,

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you can't know what he hasn't been neutral about...

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Cos we'll get upset.

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If you knew what he hadn't been neutral about,

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you wouldn't think he was neutral.

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You're absolutely right.

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This has been vetoed by Dominic Grieve, as you said,

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he's the Attorney General and he's a bit like that, old Grievy,

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from what I know of him.

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-BURST OF LAUGHTER

-Yeah, yeah.

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According to the Guardian, the ban relates to...

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Nobody knows the contents of the letters,

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but does anyone know what happened in April 2005 that Charles

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might have been writing letters about?

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Who won the X Factor...

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In fact, on April 9th, 2005...

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Oh, really?

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-So what do you reckon?

-I reckon they were just invites.

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They're called the black spider letters, because

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the handwriting looks like black spiders, but what if

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he's actually just writing about black spiders and he's gone mad?!

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Or signs it Black Spider. Some kind of bizarre superhero.

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So Prince Charles by day, by night, the Black Spider!

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In a big spider costume, with eight pens simultaneously...

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Running across modern buildings going,

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"Oh, I hate the architecture!

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"It's the Black Spider!"

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-That was nearly a theme tune then.

-Yes, a theme tune.

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# Black spider, black spider... #

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And he's got a call sign in the sky. Zoom!

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The sign goes up, the Book Of Common Prayer is under assault.

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HE HUMS A TUNE

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When you mix with popular culture, it's always a very strange...

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by-product we get.

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-Shall we have a look at some of his handwriting?

-Yeah.

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That says, "Well done on "such a splendid effort.

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"I can't tell you what a difference it makes

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"or how much pleasure it gives me. Charles."

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That was just after the first time he had it off with Diana.

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Meanwhile, in other Royal news,

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by whom was the Queen not amused this week?

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-Jeremy Hunt.

-Indeed.

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He's currently glorying in the title of the dimmest man in Britain.

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He said to the Queen, "A Japanese tourist said to me

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"that we'd never get the Emperor to jump out of a plane."

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And she just looked at him and went...

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and walked off.

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And Prince Philip came up and said, "Who are you?" Then head-butted him.

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Jeremy Hunt went down like a sack of corn.

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Princess Anne came in and booted him in the, er, in the...

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Parliamentary privilege...

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Most of that is true, apart from the end bit.

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Oh, right.

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He did say...

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Crash into a ship, maybe.

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Prince Philip, of course, asked straight out...

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When Jeremy Hunt explained he was the Health Secretary

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but had been Culture Secretary during the Olympics and the Jubilee, Philip replied...

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Incidentally, a poll was published recently that asked the question...

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And here was the result.

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There was yet another Downing Street power struggle this week.

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Anyone read about that?

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-Yes, cats.

-Indeed, it was cats.

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Larry was David Cameron's cat and Freya was George Osborne's. Shall we have a look at them scrapping?

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George Osborne's cat

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had simply requested to leave

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the main gate in Downing Street...

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And we've mentioned it.

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Which unpleasant fracas took place in Downing Street

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and refuses to go away?

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It is, of course...

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Andrew Mitchell.

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He accused himself of not telling the truth in his previous statement.

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It looks like he was in the House of Commons and the man...

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Ed Milliband...was having a go at Mitchell,

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saying, "Why won't he resign?" And he said, "You swore at a policeman."

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And Mitchell, who was sitting in the House of Commons,

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apparently mouthed, "I didn't swear."

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Last time he was asked to give evidence, he said he did swear.

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So he's accusing himself of not telling the truth,

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which is shocking.

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I think... This is what I understand from the radio this morning...

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-It wasn't your programme, was it?

-Thank you for plugging my show, Ian.

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That's the afternoon.

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Two o'clock. BBC Radio Five Live. Thanks for asking.

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I didn't know there was a Radio Five.

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Apparently, Andrew Mitchell's people are now saying,

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"No, no. He did swear, but he didn't swear at the policeman.

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"He sort of swore to himself, under his breath."

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You know, I mean, Cameron keeps backing these people, like Coulson,

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that are clearly just horrible arseholes.

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He's got to stop using that agency.

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"Horrible Arseholes, can we help you?

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"Culture Secretary? Certainly, there will be one on the way."

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Or he could have just misheard, he could have said, "You Clegg."

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-No, I don't think he was THAT insulting.

-No. Too rude.

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Did you know he's related to David Mitchell?

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-Which David Mitchell?

-His father.

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He's related to his father?

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This is the news that Prince Charles' letters to Ministers

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will not be made public.

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In a letter to Tony Blair in 1999, Prince Charles expressed his views

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on the decline of traditional farming methods.

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He told his pot plant, before putting pen to paper.

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Meanwhile, the Plebgate row rumbles on.

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If he does get sacked, Andrew Mitchell will end up as the worst possible advert

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for traditional Conservative values,

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as he got on his bike, and then lost a job.

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Ian and Will, take a look at this.

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Ah, coffee.

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Blair, before he was haunted. The future Prime Minister. Oh, God.

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And a giant Nick Clegg drinking from a normal cup.

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This is Starbucks paying, what was it, 0.00003% tax?

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It's paid zero tax on its profits since 2009.

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Do you know how much their sales were worth in the UK last year?

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Try us.

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398 million. Just worth saying again, they paid no tax at all.

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That's a really big latte, isn't it?

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And which company is Starbucks' nearest rival in this country?

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-Costa, I suppose, isn't it?

-It is Costa.

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Costa Coffee, by way of comparison...

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Costa, here's their logo, incidentally.

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They had slightly lower sales,

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but still managed to cough up 15 million to the Exchequer.

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How did Starbucks actually pull off their rather stunning feat?

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It's quite clever, not in a positive way, Jo.

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What they do is,

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they pay themselves, in America, a royalty of 6% of everything,

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and they own other companies in Switzerland and Amsterdam

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that roast the coffee beans, and they pay them a load of money, so...

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I didn't realise you were so nerdy. That's brilliant.

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-How long have you known all this?

-I've long been nerdy, Jo.

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And so that technically means they don't make a profit in Britain,

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and that's why they don't pay the tax.

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Yeah, but that's why we have a, you know, a revenue system.

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It's to say, "That's an obvious scam.

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"Would you grow up and give us the money, please?"

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People do it. You know, Vodafone, they're registered in Ireland,

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and Philip Green's wife lives in Monaco.

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We've seen all this stuff before and it's jolly amusing,

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but it's time for the money.

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APPLAUSE

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I'll tell you how they actually put it. They claimed they had to pay royalties

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to Starbucks in other countries for the use of...

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But they're paying that to themselves.

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WILL: How do you brand coffee?

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-I don't know.

-OK. Richard?

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How do you brand coffee? Just the logo?

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They're just paying money for...?

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Yeah, but they're paying themselves for their own brand.

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That's insane.

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- Yeah. - Let's go and kick their asses.

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It doesn't sound good, Jo, does it?

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Richard, it doesn't. You're absolutely right.

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-How are they justifying...?

-We've moved onto daytime telly now!

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Which well-known coffee-producing country

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do they buy their beans from?

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-I think it's Switzerland.

-It is, indeed.

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They buy their coffee beans through a Starbucks subsidiary

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based in a cupboard in Switzerland.

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And whilst tax evasion is illegal, tax avoidance is perfectly legal,

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I've been asked to point out by Jimmy Carr.

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Shaun Keaveny, who presents the Six Music Breakfast Show, made a good point...

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-Oh, come on, not another one!

-Six?

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We're going to get through all of them.

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I have been sent here by the head of BBC Radio to plug

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all of the little-known BBC Radio stations.

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But he made a good point when he said, next time they ask you

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for your name on the cup, just say, "Tax-paying British citizen."

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But who else has been in the frame recently for similarly low

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tax payments in the UK?

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All the big companies do it. Amazon are very bad, Facebook, Google.

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Yeah, you Google tax, nothing comes up.

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Of all the companies as well, Apple,

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it just seems like such a nice company, doesn't it?

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-Does it?

-Well, I'm obviously very naive.

-Yeah.

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Well, Blue Peter was your start.

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If we look at Facebook, their sales last year, 175 million.

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Corporation tax paid, 238,000.

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Effective tax rate, 0.136%.

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Amazon. Sales over the last three years, 7.6 billion.

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Corporation tax paid - nil.

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And let's not forget Sir Philip Green.

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He, of course, is from BHS and Topshop,

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and arranged for his wife, who happens to live in Monaco,

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to be paid a £1.2 billion dividend a few years ago,

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the biggest single pay-out made to an individual in corporate history,

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thereby avoiding paying any UK tax on the transaction.

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Where does he live?

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Is he in a council flat in Penge?

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Some people blame the complicated nature of the UK tax system

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for large companies avoiding tax.

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But don't worry, resources are being poured into solving the problem,

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as Newsnight discovered this week.

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How many people have you got working on the tax simplification system?

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We have a staff, effectively, of slightly under six.

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-Six?!

-And it's doing certain projects. I've a lot of backup,

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with colleagues at Chartered Institute of Taxation...

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Wait, let me get my head round this.

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Does George Osborne know you've only got six?

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He hasn't got six. He's got slightly under six.

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Yes. That's a puzzling number. Slightly under six.

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And on the subject of vast sums of money,

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who did we learn this week picked up a severance package

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worth about 7 million quid when they left their job last year?

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Rebekah Brooks.

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Ian, you'll know this better than me, but everyone thought

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she'd picked up 1.7 million,

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and it turned out she'd got 7 million, I think.

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-Is that right?

-Yeah, no, I should have been surprised.

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She was just given a huge payoff,

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which is difficult to spend in prison.

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HE LAUGHS

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But as we said, under the terms of the arrangement,

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she might have to pay it back,

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under the circumstances you've brought up.

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Yeah, if she were found guilty.

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Yes. If she's convicted of a criminal offence, that's right.

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As her case hasn't come up yet,

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I've been advised that I shouldn't say anything further.

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On the subject of Rebekah Brooks,

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why were David Cameron's private e-mails to her

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withheld from the Leveson Inquiry?

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-We don't know.

-His personal lawyer decided

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they weren't relevant, so Cameron...

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That's interesting, because for everyone else summoned to

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Lord Leveson, if he said, "Can I have the e-mails, please?" You had to give them to him.

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But in the Prime Minister's case, he said,

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"Oh, when he says, give me the e-mails, does he mean these ones?"

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And he consults his own lawyer, who says no.

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And he says, "Well, that's it, then." How does that work?

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I mean, they're obviously full of things saying,

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"Can I have some of the 7 million?"

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No, they're not. No.

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Are you in a mischievous mood tonight, Ian?

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You didn't have plans for Christmas?

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The Independent this week said...

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I bet they are. LOL!

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Let's just catch up with what boss-man Rupert Murdoch's

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been doing this week, anybody?

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-He's been tweeting.

-He has.

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He's gone back into Emperor Palpatine mode.

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Absolutely.

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There's a News Corp shareholders meeting coming up,

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some of his critics are trying to organise a revolt, so he tweeted...

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That's business-speak for, "Piss off, the lot of you!"

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For the owner of The Wall Street Journal and The Times,

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he's a terrible writer, isn't he? Did you see the tweet?

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WILL: Oh, yeah, he's always kind of

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missing the gaps and can't spell properly.

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No apostrophes. He sounds a bit like a drunk teenage internet troll.

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Rebekah Brooks' payoff from News International amounted to

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more than £7 million.

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Although in the light of the forthcoming court case,

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she's asked for it to be paid in snout.

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7 million quid.

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Imagine what she'd have got if she'd actually been any good at her job.

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According to the Mirror, the Leveson Inquiry was not shown

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a number of e-mails between Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron, which were...

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So not included in the Leveson Inquiry,

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but very much at the centre of the ongoing Samantha Cameron Inquiry.

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It's taken a while for the story

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about the Brooks-Cameron e-mails to emerge.

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In fact, suspicions about the scale of the scandal were only aroused

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when Newsnight pulled an investigation into it.

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-Paul and Richard...

-LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

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Thank you!

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Not quite sure whether you're laughing

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or having some sort of digestive problem, but thank you.

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Either way, it's very welcome.

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Please feel free. You know, I love a burp and a fart when I'm...

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-I do.

-That's a good night out for you, isn't it?

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It is. I always like to say, better out than in.

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A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat.

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Richard, here's another for you.

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Another one for us? Oh, lovely.

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Oh, yes, the American Presidential debates. Obama and Mitt Romney.

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That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone, because he's a Communist.

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That's him being told to stand up straight.

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There he is, and his running mate, Paul Ryan.

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They're pointing at the sky.

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I think Obama was judged to have done better this time round

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-than he did the first time.

-He set himself quite a low bar.

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-Will was there. You saw it, didn't you?

-I saw the second debate.

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I can't watch the first one, because I heard that Obama was bad.

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It was like, "D'you want to watch a film of your dad being beaten up?"

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-It was like, no.

-He's your dad?!

-Yeah!

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Romney was asked, "How are you going to give men and women equal pay?"

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And his answer was, "When I was Governor of Massachusetts,

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"I noticed there weren't any women in the cabinet,

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"so I said, 'Go get me some women!'

0:18:380:18:41

"And people came back with binders full of women."

0:18:410:18:44

It's like he thought, the best way to present myself

0:18:440:18:47

as a candidate for President of the United States

0:18:470:18:50

is to imply that I maybe kidnap women.

0:18:500:18:52

He has an incredible history of saying the most incredibly stupid...

0:18:530:18:57

A few months ago, he said, "I enjoy firing people.

0:18:570:19:00

"I love making people unemployed."

0:19:000:19:03

Why is it that all the people that run for President,

0:19:030:19:05

there's always one that's a complete dodo? What's going on?

0:19:050:19:08

And even the name, Mitt!

0:19:080:19:11

Mitt! What sort of name is that?

0:19:110:19:12

What's it short for, Mitthew? What is it?

0:19:120:19:15

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Well, Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child.

0:19:150:19:18

"What are you going to call it?" "We're going to call him Mitt!"

0:19:180:19:22

Why?!

0:19:220:19:23

He's been very consistent on gay marriage.

0:19:250:19:28

As a Mormon, Mitt Romney believes that marriage is a sacred covenant

0:19:280:19:34

between a man and no more than four women.

0:19:340:19:37

No-one's mentioned the really big talking point

0:19:390:19:42

in the election debate.

0:19:420:19:43

It was the words that the President used to describe a fatal attack on

0:19:430:19:47

-the American embassy in Libya.

-He said he described it as an act of terror, and Romney said, "Did you?"

0:19:470:19:52

He said, "Check the record,"

0:19:520:19:55

and the moderator said, "He did say that,"

0:19:550:19:58

and Obama said, "Can you say that louder, please?"

0:19:580:20:00

-Do you know who the moderator was?

-Er, it was...

0:20:000:20:03

-Candy.

-Candy.

-I just know her by that.

0:20:030:20:05

LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:07

Candy Crowley. Well done, indeed.

0:20:070:20:10

And how did the Twatosphere react to this outrage?

0:20:100:20:15

There was someone called K-Cera, from London. They commented...

0:20:150:20:19

"..postmenopausal women..."

0:20:230:20:27

I mean, NO!

0:20:300:20:31

Is that from Twitter? >

0:20:310:20:33

-Yes.

-Don't go to Twitter for rational commentary.

0:20:330:20:37

Go to Radio Five!

0:20:370:20:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:390:20:42

On your dial, just past the police messages!

0:20:440:20:48

-Do you listen to Five Live?

-No, of course they don't.

0:20:500:20:53

No, you don't. You all listen to Radio Four, don't you?

0:20:530:20:57

We never knew. We've never asked that poll before.

0:20:570:21:00

Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Four.

0:21:000:21:03

PAUL LAUGHS

0:21:030:21:05

This programme would be much cheaper on Radio Four, you know.

0:21:050:21:08

Keep it to yourselves.

0:21:080:21:09

-Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Five Live.

-Don't be ridiculous!

0:21:090:21:14

-Oh, there's a few.

-At least eight.

0:21:140:21:16

Put your hand up if you've got something to do during the day.

0:21:160:21:20

LAUGHTER

0:21:200:21:22

Just checking.

0:21:230:21:25

Put your hands up if you've recently starred on BBC TWO wearing a funny hat.

0:21:250:21:29

APPLAUSE

0:21:310:21:33

Yeah, all right.

0:21:340:21:35

As I suspected.

0:21:350:21:38

Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,

0:21:380:21:40

described their struggle with poverty

0:21:400:21:42

as a young married Mormon couple.

0:21:420:21:45

Let me move on. How did a pizza chain outrage the pure,

0:22:000:22:04

democratically spirited American people?

0:22:040:22:09

Produced the Mitt Cheesy pizza? Cheesy Mitt?

0:22:090:22:14

They had offered a free pizza for life

0:22:150:22:17

to anyone at the election debates who would dare to ask the candidates

0:22:170:22:22

if they preferred sausage or pepperoni.

0:22:220:22:25

I'd say that's the best way to judge anyone's character, isn't it?

0:22:250:22:27

Out of interest, Paul, Ian, sausage, pepperoni?

0:22:270:22:31

If you just want to have pizza,

0:22:310:22:33

I think pepperoni on a pizza is extremely good.

0:22:330:22:36

But if you're talking about the sausage on its own,

0:22:360:22:39

then I think, yeah...

0:22:390:22:41

Sorry, I just had flash of reality and thought was I was saying.

0:22:430:22:48

-No, I don't know.

-No. Me neither.

-And I don't care.

-No, absolutely.

0:22:480:22:52

-Let's see...

-Saveloy used to be my favourite.

0:22:520:22:55

-On a pizza?

-No, just as they are.

-Yes.

0:22:550:22:59

They bring back childhood memories.

0:22:590:23:01

Mainly because I was brought up by a family of saveloys in Wolverhampton, lovely family.

0:23:010:23:06

If one of them had said pepperoni... If Obama had said that,

0:23:060:23:08

that'd have been spun as not being American enough.

0:23:080:23:11

What would have been American is, if they'd said

0:23:110:23:14

they liked a pizza on top of their pizza.

0:23:140:23:16

Would you like to see how Mitt Romney introduced

0:23:200:23:23

his prospective Vice President Paul Ryan?

0:23:230:23:26

Join me in welcoming

0:23:260:23:28

the next President of the United States - Paul Ryan!

0:23:280:23:31

APPLAUSE

0:23:330:23:35

Let's have a look at the man.

0:23:360:23:39

All I can say is, I would break my foot before I tired

0:23:390:23:42

of kicking that man in the balls.

0:23:420:23:43

Who won't be witnessing the US election at close quarters?

0:23:470:23:50

President Kennedy.

0:23:500:23:52

-Gary McKinnon.

-Absolutely.

0:23:560:23:58

He was looking for UFOs primarily, wasn't he?

0:23:580:24:02

He left a message on one hacked computer saying...

0:24:020:24:04

And then added...

0:24:090:24:10

The password to get into the high-ranking... Did you read this?

0:24:170:24:21

It was "Password."

0:24:210:24:22

It was "Password." They just kept the default setting!

0:24:220:24:25

Is that a silly thing to do with all your...?

0:24:250:24:29

This is the latest US presidential debate.

0:24:290:24:32

Romney defended his position on women's rights by saying

0:24:320:24:35

that as Governor of Massachusetts, on his desk would be...

0:24:350:24:38

..or, as Mormons call them, the wedding albums.

0:24:400:24:43

The Times reminded its readers of the party symbols of the Republicans

0:24:450:24:49

and the Democrats - the elephant and the donkey,

0:24:490:24:53

representing both the weight and the intelligence

0:24:530:24:56

of the average American voter.

0:24:560:24:58

I'm sorry to America!

0:24:590:25:02

OK, some foreign news for you now. Ian and Will, take a look at this.

0:25:030:25:08

Foreign news! Certainly not yet, anyway.

0:25:100:25:15

Er, tossing the Cable, you just chuck him out!

0:25:150:25:19

Scotland!

0:25:200:25:22

Well, you call it that, I call it that, but George Alagiah calls it...

0:25:220:25:26

VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.

0:25:260:25:28

Would you like to see him calling it that again? I would.

0:25:300:25:34

VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.

0:25:340:25:36

WILL: Scotland's going to have a referendum on independence.

0:25:360:25:40

It's like an old marriage where you're just saying,

0:25:400:25:42

"It's kind of OK, but I'm not going to find anyone else."

0:25:420:25:45

It's a terrible idea. Everyone forgets,

0:25:470:25:50

Alex Salmond was a great friend and supporter of Sir Fred Goodwin.

0:25:500:25:53

The two of them talked about Scotland's future

0:25:530:25:56

as a financial centre. They were going to be the new Iceland!

0:25:560:25:59

The referendum will be in...

0:26:010:26:04

-2014.

-..2014, on June 24th.

0:26:040:26:07

It's the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn.

0:26:070:26:10

Or he might choose March 14th, to coincide with World Chip Day.

0:26:100:26:15

And what will the ballot paper contain?

0:26:180:26:20

Just one question. In or out? So it's, "Do you want it or not?"

0:26:200:26:23

That's right, because, according to the Mail...

0:26:230:26:26

And that question is...

0:26:300:26:32

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"You'll have had your tea?"

0:26:320:26:34

Who will be able to vote in the election

0:26:340:26:37

that wouldn't normally get the chance?

0:26:370:26:39

It's going to be 16-year-olds,

0:26:390:26:41

as that's a big fan base for Alex Salmond.

0:26:410:26:43

That's right.

0:26:430:26:44

There's 123,000 teenagers aged between 16 and 17,

0:26:440:26:48

or, as they're known in Scotland, the middle aged.

0:26:480:26:52

I'm not going to Scotland again!

0:26:540:26:57

Ian, you're vaguely Scottish. Will you get a chance to vote?

0:26:570:26:59

No, I think you have to be resident.

0:26:590:27:01

That's right. On the electoral roll...

0:27:010:27:04

which, in Scotland, is heavily buttered.

0:27:040:27:06

I'll stop now. I know!

0:27:120:27:16

I'm going to be assassinated with a deep-fried Mars bar.

0:27:160:27:19

I like the sound of that, it sounds marvellous.

0:27:200:27:22

He's arguing that Scots should be independent,

0:27:220:27:25

apart from, apparently, they're going to have Sterling if he wins,

0:27:250:27:28

which is rather peculiar, and he hasn't made it clear

0:27:280:27:31

whether they're going to join the EU.

0:27:310:27:33

So instead of being told what to do by London,

0:27:330:27:35

they can be told what to do by Mrs Merkel,

0:27:350:27:37

which is a form of independence.

0:27:370:27:39

The Greeks aren't thrilled by it at the moment.

0:27:390:27:43

In Scotland, terms have been agreed for the referendum on independence.

0:27:430:27:47

If you're wondering how Alex Salmond managed to persuade David Cameron

0:27:470:27:50

into agreeing to a referendum, the Daily Mail offered a clue.

0:27:500:27:53

And there we were worried about Iran.

0:27:580:28:01

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

0:28:030:28:06

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:28:060:28:08

-BUZZER

-This is the man who we featured

0:28:080:28:11

last week, who didn't do what he was meant to,

0:28:110:28:13

but he did it this week and it was fantastic!

0:28:130:28:15

He jumped out of his capsule, 23 miles above the Earth's surface.

0:28:150:28:18

But the thing that was particularly impressive was his landing.

0:28:180:28:22

-He just sort of landed and just walked forward.

-It was amazing.

0:28:220:28:25

It was as if he just jumped off a wall five-feet high, or something.

0:28:250:28:28

It could only have been better if he'd have landed in an open-top sports car and just zoomed off!

0:28:280:28:33

Just gone straightaway, or on the back of water skis.

0:28:330:28:35

What happens when you travel faster than the speed of sound?

0:28:350:28:39

Do you hear things that you've already said?

0:28:390:28:42

Yeah, it's like watching a repeat of this programme.

0:28:420:28:46

Now, seven million people watched the jump on the internet.

0:28:470:28:50

What happened when his parachute opened safely?

0:28:500:28:53

-They all turned off.

-Stopped watching.

0:28:530:28:56

One million viewers worldwide stopped watching.

0:28:560:29:01

The assumption being, they were waiting for him to plummet to his death.

0:29:010:29:04

Yes, he managed to break three records. Do you know what they were?

0:29:040:29:07

-Maddest thing.

-Fastest speed of a human being ever.

0:29:070:29:11

The highest manned balloon flight,

0:29:110:29:13

the highest altitude from which a man has free-fallen

0:29:130:29:15

and the first supersonic freefall.

0:29:150:29:17

-And quickest to get laid after.

-That's right.

0:29:170:29:20

Not to mention, the world's longest, "Wee-ee-ee-ee!"

0:29:200:29:24

This is Felix Baumgartner,

0:29:240:29:26

who jumped 24 miles from the edge of space,

0:29:260:29:28

reached speeds of 833 miles an hour,

0:29:280:29:31

and broke the sound barrier, before making a perfect landing.

0:29:310:29:35

That, David Blaine, is a stunt!

0:29:350:29:38

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:380:29:41

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:29:460:29:49

BUZZER

0:29:550:29:57

-Special pants to help you with your bedsores.

-Well done.

0:29:570:30:01

They are caused by just being in the same position

0:30:010:30:05

for such a long time, so what nurses do is, they turn people manually.

0:30:050:30:09

But obviously busy having sex with doctors a lot of the time and...

0:30:090:30:12

So these underpants, you plug them in and you get an electric shock

0:30:120:30:16

which sends you up, and you turn in mid-air and land on the other side?!

0:30:160:30:19

There's somebody in a control room, "Give him 40,000! Argh!"

0:30:190:30:23

-Or do they work walking down the street?

-Sorry?

0:30:250:30:28

Can you walk wearing them down the street? Can it have a radio control?

0:30:280:30:31

Is it for women to control men?

0:30:310:30:33

That sounds slightly paranoid of you.

0:30:340:30:36

I think it's a good idea. Don't you think it's a good idea?

0:30:360:30:39

To control men with electric underpants?

0:30:390:30:41

I prefer just hitting them with a baseball bat.

0:30:410:30:43

LAUGHTER

0:30:430:30:46

The Smart-e-Pants are not the only

0:30:460:30:48

technological clothing advance announced recently.

0:30:480:30:52

-What is this woman wearing?

-Oh, I saw this.

0:30:520:30:54

This is a thing where you can hug people via the...

0:30:540:30:56

-Via Twitter, or something.

-Facebook.

0:30:560:30:59

But imagine the fun you could have with a pair of electric underpants.

0:30:590:31:03

Never mind giving somebody a hug, 40,000 Volts!

0:31:030:31:07

"You're late for work, you'll catch that bus! Agh!"

0:31:070:31:10

These are called Like-A-Hug.

0:31:100:31:12

Wouldn't it be better

0:31:120:31:14

if you went and saw the person and gave them a hug?

0:31:140:31:17

What actually happens, according to the Mail, is that...

0:31:170:31:20

-What the

-BLEEP

-does that mean?!

0:31:260:31:28

But I suppose it does beat poking yourself.

0:31:310:31:35

These are the new electric underpants for use in hospitals.

0:31:350:31:39

I don't know much about the science of electricity and fluids,

0:31:390:31:42

but I suspect there may be a problem

0:31:420:31:44

giving these underpants to elderly patients.

0:31:440:31:47

And to me as well, because you know what stress incontinence does.

0:31:470:31:51

Ahem! Pssh...

0:31:510:31:53

Which means at the end of this round,

0:31:560:31:58

it's Ian and Will with five and Paul and Richard with five.

0:31:580:32:01

Ooh...

0:32:010:32:03

APPLAUSE

0:32:030:32:06

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:32:100:32:13

Ian and Will, your four are Jesus, Rothko's Black On Maroon,

0:32:130:32:19

Vladimir Putin and Richard III.

0:32:190:32:22

Richard III's just been dug up.

0:32:220:32:24

Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.

0:32:240:32:27

Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.

0:32:270:32:30

LAUGHTER

0:32:300:32:32

The Rothko's been defaced.

0:32:330:32:36

They've all been guests on Richard Bacon's show, erm...

0:32:360:32:39

Oh, that Richard III interview was brilliant!

0:32:390:32:42

"So, kingdom or horse?"

0:32:440:32:46

It's about painting.

0:32:490:32:51

There are no portraits of Vladimir Putain.

0:32:510:32:54

-Putain?!

-Putain!

0:32:540:32:57

LAUGHTER He's French!

0:32:570:33:00

I'm going to give you the first part. They've all been painted over.

0:33:000:33:03

RICHARD: Oh, the Jesus image...

0:33:030:33:05

WILL: Oh, that woman who did the touch-up? Oh, God.

0:33:050:33:08

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, go on.

0:33:080:33:10

They've all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,

0:33:100:33:14

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

0:33:140:33:16

And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,

0:33:160:33:20

which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer

0:33:200:33:23

in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.

0:33:230:33:26

'This is how Christ was depicted originally,

0:33:260:33:29

'and this as he looks now,

0:33:290:33:32

'after a DIY restoration...'

0:33:320:33:34

King Richard III's portrait was painted over during the reign

0:33:340:33:38

of the Tudors, and why has he been in the news recently?

0:33:380:33:40

They found his remains under a car park in Leicester.

0:33:400:33:43

That's right,

0:33:430:33:44

so he's not just been painted over, he's been Tarmac'd over.

0:33:440:33:48

They have all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,

0:33:480:33:51

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot. One supporter of Pussy Riot

0:33:510:33:55

is former World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov

0:33:550:33:57

who, outside the court, was attacked by members

0:33:570:34:00

of the Russian Orthodox Church.

0:34:000:34:02

He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.

0:34:020:34:05

One of Pussy Riot's songs

0:34:100:34:11

urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionee... Oh, sorry.

0:34:110:34:15

I'm getting tired now. I need my electric pants on!

0:34:150:34:19

-One of...

-BUZZER

0:34:190:34:23

APPLAUSE

0:34:230:34:26

One of Pussy Riot's songs

0:34:270:34:29

urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionary struggle,

0:34:290:34:32

with the lyrics...

0:34:320:34:33

On behalf of casualty departments everywhere,

0:34:380:34:41

I'd like to point out that is for women only.

0:34:410:34:45

After his death, Richard III's...

0:34:460:34:49

You must have had... Did you ever get people turning up...?

0:34:490:34:52

What d'you mean, I must have had what?!

0:34:520:34:54

People turning up with... Although you weren't in a general hospital,

0:34:540:34:58

did you ever get people arriving with strange things inside them

0:34:580:35:01

which they tried to explain away?

0:35:010:35:03

Yes, the saddest one that we had was, erm, a woman arrived

0:35:030:35:07

with the cap of a bottle of Brasso up her vagina

0:35:070:35:11

because she thought that's the sort of contraceptive cap you needed...

0:35:110:35:15

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:35:150:35:17

Had a nice shiny vagina, though.

0:35:170:35:21

It's all right, that won't go out.

0:35:220:35:23

-I think it will!

-LAUGHTER

0:35:230:35:28

After his death, Richard III's portrait was painted over.

0:35:320:35:36

The skeleton of Richard III

0:35:360:35:37

was found in a car park not far from Bosworth Field.

0:35:370:35:41

Experts digging at the site thought it was just some rubble

0:35:410:35:44

mixed with rags and animal remains,

0:35:440:35:45

but it turned out to be Leicester City Centre.

0:35:450:35:49

So I can't go to Scotland or Leicester now.

0:35:510:35:54

Paul and Richard, here are yours.

0:35:540:35:56

Lady Gaga, Pauline Prescott,

0:35:560:35:58

Morrissey and Tiger Woods.

0:35:580:36:01

This may have a meat theme.

0:36:010:36:04

Lady Gaga wore a meat suit.

0:36:040:36:06

-That's right, yes.

-Morrissey won't allow meat,

0:36:060:36:10

he will not perform at any venue

0:36:100:36:12

that sells meat, I don't think.

0:36:120:36:13

Yes, that's right. Somebody once told me a story, somebody who was

0:36:130:36:18

promoting him at the time, back in the Smiths days, the early '80s,

0:36:180:36:22

and the manager and promoter were talking in the office

0:36:220:36:25

while the concert's going on

0:36:250:36:26

and suddenly, Morrissey comes in, totally distraught,

0:36:260:36:29

he can't talk, he can't speak. He's just white, in shock.

0:36:290:36:32

Eventually, they get the story out of him.

0:36:320:36:34

Somebody threw a sausage at him.

0:36:340:36:36

-A cooked sausage was thrown at Morrissey.

-Did it hit him?

0:36:380:36:41

It was near enough for him to be, sort of, interacting with it.

0:36:410:36:45

So it probably is about meat. Lady Gaga...

0:36:460:36:49

Morrissey, erm...

0:36:490:36:51

Tiger Woods...

0:36:510:36:53

treats waitresses like meat.

0:36:530:36:56

And Pauline Prescott's husband looks like a glistening ham.

0:36:560:37:00

I think the meat thing is clearly right,

0:37:000:37:03

cos Lady Gaga and Morrissey, there must be a meat theme.

0:37:030:37:07

-You can actually narrow that down to sausages.

-Sausages, OK.

0:37:070:37:11

So the Morrissey thing is correct.

0:37:110:37:12

Did Lady Gaga... It was made of bacon, her outfit,

0:37:120:37:15

did it have sausages...?

0:37:150:37:17

Well, let's say she wore a sausage in some way

0:37:170:37:20

which we have not yet determined.

0:37:200:37:22

I don't know, we say meat, but we can't go further than that,

0:37:220:37:26

-unless you can think of any more?

-No, no.

-Take a wild guess, then.

0:37:260:37:30

-OK, well...

-The wild guess is that Pauline Prescott is the odd one out

0:37:300:37:34

because everyone else has had sausage-related incidents

0:37:340:37:36

happen to them on a daily basis.

0:37:360:37:38

You're right, Pauline Prescott is the odd one out,

0:37:380:37:40

but that's because all the other three

0:37:400:37:43

have had a sausage thrown at them,

0:37:430:37:45

except for Pauline Prescott, who was wooed by a string of sausages.

0:37:450:37:50

That's no way to talk about John Prescott!

0:37:510:37:54

Tiger Woods was recently hit by a hot dog

0:37:550:37:57

while playing a round of golf.

0:37:570:38:00

An eagle, a birdie and three bogeys

0:38:000:38:02

were the main ingredients of that sausage.

0:38:020:38:05

GROANING

0:38:050:38:07

It's time now for the Missing Words round,

0:38:070:38:09

which this week features as its guest publication The Mace-Bearer.

0:38:090:38:14

And we start with...

0:38:140:38:15

Is this, "It's a menage a six!"

0:38:180:38:20

Is this "Vladimir Putain"?

0:38:220:38:25

Isn't this the personal life of the French Prime Minister?

0:38:250:38:30

-No.

-Is it 50 Shades of Grey,

0:38:300:38:32

-which they all find very tame?

-No.

0:38:320:38:35

-Do the French find it tame?

-Yes.

0:38:350:38:37

Yeah, they call it 50 Shades of...

0:38:370:38:39

Let me tell you, it was...

0:38:420:38:44

According to the Daily Mail, French woman Solenne San Jose

0:38:500:38:54

called the phone company to query the charge and was put on hold,

0:38:540:38:58

thereby doubling the bill.

0:38:580:38:59

So, next...

0:38:590:39:01

Carrying a mace on your shoulder!

0:39:040:39:06

Rather exciting, isn't it?

0:39:110:39:13

This is news from the editor's wife, who writes, about her husband...

0:39:130:39:16

Of course, it might not be Mace-bearer's shoulder.

0:39:190:39:22

And, oh, finally. And finally...

0:39:250:39:27

Is it HMS Endurance?

0:39:340:39:36

No, the answer is...

0:39:400:39:41

This, of course, is from The Mace-Bearer.

0:39:440:39:46

The pot raised a smile with everyone,

0:39:460:39:48

except the Greek Finance Minister, who looked at it enviously,

0:39:480:39:52

as he doesn't have one to piss in.

0:39:520:39:54

So, the final scores are - Ian and Will have six,

0:39:560:40:00

but Paul and Richard have ten.

0:40:000:40:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:010:40:05

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:40:140:40:17

Paul and Richard get this.

0:40:170:40:19

Goldilocks - the search continues.

0:40:190:40:21

And Ian and Will have that.

0:40:230:40:27

50 Lampshades of Grey.

0:40:270:40:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:290:40:32

Terrible.

0:40:320:40:34

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

0:40:340:40:37

Ian Hislop and Will Smith, Paul Merton and Richard Bacon.

0:40:370:40:40

And I leave you with news that in Central London,

0:40:400:40:43

Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."

0:40:430:40:46

Arriving at the White House to interview the Vice President,

0:40:510:40:54

Piers Morgan is disappointed to be told that the Obamas aren't at home.

0:40:540:40:58

And in Idaho, there's a surprise for one young supporter

0:41:050:41:09

as Mitt Romney agrees to show her the new tattoo he's had done

0:41:090:41:12

of his opponent's face.

0:41:120:41:14

Good night.

0:41:200:41:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:220:41:24

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