Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Ten years since I was last on this show, shortly after a small-scale scandal

which, at the time, was called,

"The biggest scandal in the BBC's history."

Things change!

Good evening. Welcome to

Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week, in the offices of Wonga.com,

two desperate customers apply for a massive loan.

At their regular briefing at Labour HQ, the Shadow Chancellor

looks for a leadership poll that he can actually show to Ed Miliband.

The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid

the Inland Revenue takes a new twist,

as the company reveals its current tax advisor.

APPLAUSE

On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian

who has written a book called, The Joy Of No Sex.

Presumably, a guide to married life. Please welcome Will Smith.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a TV and radio presenter

who once appeared in Hotel Babylon,

in which his character hired escort girls to play Scrabble with him.

He then had sex, which was worth ten points.

Please welcome Richard Bacon.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Oh, yes, Prince Charles.

He writes letters to various government ministers,

saying what he would like to happen about certain issues.

We're not allowed to see them because it might affect him

when he's King, apparently.

It's him practising being a king at the moment.

He practises being a king every Tuesday.

Work experience, it's called.

It's come from Dominic Grieve, hasn't it?

I think Prince Charles wrote a lot of letters to Tony Blair's government

in 2004 and 2005, commenting on a range of issues.

What, from biscuits, to yogurt?

I like your wife.

But Dominic Grieve, he's the Attorney General,

and his position appears to be

that Prince Charles is supposed to be neutral,

but because he hasn't been neutral,

you can't know what he hasn't been neutral about...

Cos we'll get upset.

If you knew what he hadn't been neutral about,

you wouldn't think he was neutral.

You're absolutely right.

This has been vetoed by Dominic Grieve, as you said,

he's the Attorney General and he's a bit like that, old Grievy,

from what I know of him.

-BURST OF LAUGHTER

-Yeah, yeah.

According to the Guardian, the ban relates to...

Nobody knows the contents of the letters,

but does anyone know what happened in April 2005 that Charles

might have been writing letters about?

Who won the X Factor...

In fact, on April 9th, 2005...

Oh, really?

-So what do you reckon?

-I reckon they were just invites.

They're called the black spider letters, because

the handwriting looks like black spiders, but what if

he's actually just writing about black spiders and he's gone mad?!

Or signs it Black Spider. Some kind of bizarre superhero.

So Prince Charles by day, by night, the Black Spider!

In a big spider costume, with eight pens simultaneously...

Running across modern buildings going,

"Oh, I hate the architecture!

"It's the Black Spider!"

-That was nearly a theme tune then.

-Yes, a theme tune.

# Black spider, black spider... #

And he's got a call sign in the sky. Zoom!

The sign goes up, the Book Of Common Prayer is under assault.

HE HUMS A TUNE

When you mix with popular culture, it's always a very strange...

by-product we get.

-Shall we have a look at some of his handwriting?

-Yeah.

That says, "Well done on "such a splendid effort.

"I can't tell you what a difference it makes

"or how much pleasure it gives me. Charles."

That was just after the first time he had it off with Diana.

Meanwhile, in other Royal news,

by whom was the Queen not amused this week?

-Jeremy Hunt.

-Indeed.

He's currently glorying in the title of the dimmest man in Britain.

He said to the Queen, "A Japanese tourist said to me

"that we'd never get the Emperor to jump out of a plane."

And she just looked at him and went...

and walked off.

And Prince Philip came up and said, "Who are you?" Then head-butted him.

Jeremy Hunt went down like a sack of corn.

Princess Anne came in and booted him in the, er, in the...

Parliamentary privilege...

Most of that is true, apart from the end bit.

Oh, right.

He did say...

Crash into a ship, maybe.

Prince Philip, of course, asked straight out...

When Jeremy Hunt explained he was the Health Secretary

but had been Culture Secretary during the Olympics and the Jubilee, Philip replied...

Incidentally, a poll was published recently that asked the question...

And here was the result.

There was yet another Downing Street power struggle this week.

Anyone read about that?

-Yes, cats.

-Indeed, it was cats.

Larry was David Cameron's cat and Freya was George Osborne's. Shall we have a look at them scrapping?

George Osborne's cat

had simply requested to leave

the main gate in Downing Street...

And we've mentioned it.

Which unpleasant fracas took place in Downing Street

and refuses to go away?

It is, of course...

Andrew Mitchell.

He accused himself of not telling the truth in his previous statement.

It looks like he was in the House of Commons and the man...

Ed Milliband...was having a go at Mitchell,

saying, "Why won't he resign?" And he said, "You swore at a policeman."

And Mitchell, who was sitting in the House of Commons,

apparently mouthed, "I didn't swear."

Last time he was asked to give evidence, he said he did swear.

So he's accusing himself of not telling the truth,

which is shocking.

I think... This is what I understand from the radio this morning...

-It wasn't your programme, was it?

-Thank you for plugging my show, Ian.

That's the afternoon.

Two o'clock. BBC Radio Five Live. Thanks for asking.

I didn't know there was a Radio Five.

Apparently, Andrew Mitchell's people are now saying,

"No, no. He did swear, but he didn't swear at the policeman.

"He sort of swore to himself, under his breath."

You know, I mean, Cameron keeps backing these people, like Coulson,

that are clearly just horrible arseholes.

He's got to stop using that agency.

"Horrible Arseholes, can we help you?

"Culture Secretary? Certainly, there will be one on the way."

Or he could have just misheard, he could have said, "You Clegg."

-No, I don't think he was THAT insulting.

-No. Too rude.

Did you know he's related to David Mitchell?

-Which David Mitchell?

-His father.

He's related to his father?

This is the news that Prince Charles' letters to Ministers

will not be made public.

In a letter to Tony Blair in 1999, Prince Charles expressed his views

on the decline of traditional farming methods.

He told his pot plant, before putting pen to paper.

Meanwhile, the Plebgate row rumbles on.

If he does get sacked, Andrew Mitchell will end up as the worst possible advert

for traditional Conservative values,

as he got on his bike, and then lost a job.

Ian and Will, take a look at this.

Ah, coffee.

Blair, before he was haunted. The future Prime Minister. Oh, God.

And a giant Nick Clegg drinking from a normal cup.

This is Starbucks paying, what was it, 0.00003% tax?

It's paid zero tax on its profits since 2009.

Do you know how much their sales were worth in the UK last year?

Try us.

398 million. Just worth saying again, they paid no tax at all.

That's a really big latte, isn't it?

And which company is Starbucks' nearest rival in this country?

-Costa, I suppose, isn't it?

-It is Costa.

Costa Coffee, by way of comparison...

Costa, here's their logo, incidentally.

They had slightly lower sales,

but still managed to cough up 15 million to the Exchequer.

How did Starbucks actually pull off their rather stunning feat?

It's quite clever, not in a positive way, Jo.

What they do is,

they pay themselves, in America, a royalty of 6% of everything,

and they own other companies in Switzerland and Amsterdam

that roast the coffee beans, and they pay them a load of money, so...

I didn't realise you were so nerdy. That's brilliant.

-How long have you known all this?

-I've long been nerdy, Jo.

And so that technically means they don't make a profit in Britain,

and that's why they don't pay the tax.

Yeah, but that's why we have a, you know, a revenue system.

It's to say, "That's an obvious scam.

"Would you grow up and give us the money, please?"

People do it. You know, Vodafone, they're registered in Ireland,

and Philip Green's wife lives in Monaco.

We've seen all this stuff before and it's jolly amusing,

but it's time for the money.

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you how they actually put it. They claimed they had to pay royalties

to Starbucks in other countries for the use of...

But they're paying that to themselves.

WILL: How do you brand coffee?

-I don't know.

-OK. Richard?

How do you brand coffee? Just the logo?

They're just paying money for...?

Yeah, but they're paying themselves for their own brand.

That's insane.

- Yeah. - Let's go and kick their asses.

It doesn't sound good, Jo, does it?

Richard, it doesn't. You're absolutely right.

-How are they justifying...?

-We've moved onto daytime telly now!

Which well-known coffee-producing country

do they buy their beans from?

-I think it's Switzerland.

-It is, indeed.

They buy their coffee beans through a Starbucks subsidiary

based in a cupboard in Switzerland.

And whilst tax evasion is illegal, tax avoidance is perfectly legal,

I've been asked to point out by Jimmy Carr.

Shaun Keaveny, who presents the Six Music Breakfast Show, made a good point...

-Oh, come on, not another one!

-Six?

We're going to get through all of them.

I have been sent here by the head of BBC Radio to plug

all of the little-known BBC Radio stations.

But he made a good point when he said, next time they ask you

for your name on the cup, just say, "Tax-paying British citizen."

But who else has been in the frame recently for similarly low

tax payments in the UK?

All the big companies do it. Amazon are very bad, Facebook, Google.

Yeah, you Google tax, nothing comes up.

Of all the companies as well, Apple,

it just seems like such a nice company, doesn't it?

-Does it?

-Well, I'm obviously very naive.

-Yeah.

Well, Blue Peter was your start.

If we look at Facebook, their sales last year, 175 million.

Corporation tax paid, 238,000.

Effective tax rate, 0.136%.

Amazon. Sales over the last three years, 7.6 billion.

Corporation tax paid - nil.

And let's not forget Sir Philip Green.

He, of course, is from BHS and Topshop,

and arranged for his wife, who happens to live in Monaco,

to be paid a £1.2 billion dividend a few years ago,

the biggest single pay-out made to an individual in corporate history,

thereby avoiding paying any UK tax on the transaction.

Where does he live?

Is he in a council flat in Penge?

Some people blame the complicated nature of the UK tax system

for large companies avoiding tax.

But don't worry, resources are being poured into solving the problem,

as Newsnight discovered this week.

How many people have you got working on the tax simplification system?

We have a staff, effectively, of slightly under six.

-Six?!

-And it's doing certain projects. I've a lot of backup,

with colleagues at Chartered Institute of Taxation...

Wait, let me get my head round this.

Does George Osborne know you've only got six?

He hasn't got six. He's got slightly under six.

Yes. That's a puzzling number. Slightly under six.

And on the subject of vast sums of money,

who did we learn this week picked up a severance package

worth about 7 million quid when they left their job last year?

Rebekah Brooks.

Ian, you'll know this better than me, but everyone thought

she'd picked up 1.7 million,

and it turned out she'd got 7 million, I think.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, no, I should have been surprised.

She was just given a huge payoff,

which is difficult to spend in prison.

HE LAUGHS

But as we said, under the terms of the arrangement,

she might have to pay it back,

under the circumstances you've brought up.

Yeah, if she were found guilty.

Yes. If she's convicted of a criminal offence, that's right.

As her case hasn't come up yet,

I've been advised that I shouldn't say anything further.

On the subject of Rebekah Brooks,

why were David Cameron's private e-mails to her

withheld from the Leveson Inquiry?

-We don't know.

-His personal lawyer decided

they weren't relevant, so Cameron...

That's interesting, because for everyone else summoned to

Lord Leveson, if he said, "Can I have the e-mails, please?" You had to give them to him.

But in the Prime Minister's case, he said,

"Oh, when he says, give me the e-mails, does he mean these ones?"

And he consults his own lawyer, who says no.

And he says, "Well, that's it, then." How does that work?

I mean, they're obviously full of things saying,

"Can I have some of the 7 million?"

No, they're not. No.

Are you in a mischievous mood tonight, Ian?

You didn't have plans for Christmas?

The Independent this week said...

I bet they are. LOL!

Let's just catch up with what boss-man Rupert Murdoch's

been doing this week, anybody?

-He's been tweeting.

-He has.

He's gone back into Emperor Palpatine mode.

Absolutely.

There's a News Corp shareholders meeting coming up,

some of his critics are trying to organise a revolt, so he tweeted...

That's business-speak for, "Piss off, the lot of you!"

For the owner of The Wall Street Journal and The Times,

he's a terrible writer, isn't he? Did you see the tweet?

WILL: Oh, yeah, he's always kind of

missing the gaps and can't spell properly.

No apostrophes. He sounds a bit like a drunk teenage internet troll.

Rebekah Brooks' payoff from News International amounted to

more than £7 million.

Although in the light of the forthcoming court case,

she's asked for it to be paid in snout.

7 million quid.

Imagine what she'd have got if she'd actually been any good at her job.

According to the Mirror, the Leveson Inquiry was not shown

a number of e-mails between Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron, which were...

So not included in the Leveson Inquiry,

but very much at the centre of the ongoing Samantha Cameron Inquiry.

It's taken a while for the story

about the Brooks-Cameron e-mails to emerge.

In fact, suspicions about the scale of the scandal were only aroused

when Newsnight pulled an investigation into it.

-Paul and Richard...

-LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

Thank you!

Not quite sure whether you're laughing

or having some sort of digestive problem, but thank you.

Either way, it's very welcome.

Please feel free. You know, I love a burp and a fart when I'm...

-I do.

-That's a good night out for you, isn't it?

It is. I always like to say, better out than in.

A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Richard, here's another for you.

Another one for us? Oh, lovely.

Oh, yes, the American Presidential debates. Obama and Mitt Romney.

That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone, because he's a Communist.

That's him being told to stand up straight.

There he is, and his running mate, Paul Ryan.

They're pointing at the sky.

I think Obama was judged to have done better this time round

-than he did the first time.

-He set himself quite a low bar.

-Will was there. You saw it, didn't you?

-I saw the second debate.

I can't watch the first one, because I heard that Obama was bad.

It was like, "D'you want to watch a film of your dad being beaten up?"

-It was like, no.

-He's your dad?!

-Yeah!

Romney was asked, "How are you going to give men and women equal pay?"

And his answer was, "When I was Governor of Massachusetts,

"I noticed there weren't any women in the cabinet,

"so I said, 'Go get me some women!'

"And people came back with binders full of women."

It's like he thought, the best way to present myself

as a candidate for President of the United States

is to imply that I maybe kidnap women.

He has an incredible history of saying the most incredibly stupid...

A few months ago, he said, "I enjoy firing people.

"I love making people unemployed."

Why is it that all the people that run for President,

there's always one that's a complete dodo? What's going on?

And even the name, Mitt!

Mitt! What sort of name is that?

What's it short for, Mitthew? What is it?

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Well, Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child.

"What are you going to call it?" "We're going to call him Mitt!"

Why?!

He's been very consistent on gay marriage.

As a Mormon, Mitt Romney believes that marriage is a sacred covenant

between a man and no more than four women.

No-one's mentioned the really big talking point

in the election debate.

It was the words that the President used to describe a fatal attack on

-the American embassy in Libya.

-He said he described it as an act of terror, and Romney said, "Did you?"

He said, "Check the record,"

and the moderator said, "He did say that,"

and Obama said, "Can you say that louder, please?"

-Do you know who the moderator was?

-Er, it was...

-Candy.

-Candy.

-I just know her by that.

LAUGHTER

Candy Crowley. Well done, indeed.

And how did the Twatosphere react to this outrage?

There was someone called K-Cera, from London. They commented...

"..postmenopausal women..."

I mean, NO!

Is that from Twitter? >

-Yes.

-Don't go to Twitter for rational commentary.

Go to Radio Five!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On your dial, just past the police messages!

-Do you listen to Five Live?

-No, of course they don't.

No, you don't. You all listen to Radio Four, don't you?

We never knew. We've never asked that poll before.

Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Four.

PAUL LAUGHS

This programme would be much cheaper on Radio Four, you know.

Keep it to yourselves.

-Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Five Live.

-Don't be ridiculous!

-Oh, there's a few.

-At least eight.

Put your hand up if you've got something to do during the day.

LAUGHTER

Just checking.

Put your hands up if you've recently starred on BBC TWO wearing a funny hat.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, all right.

As I suspected.

Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,

described their struggle with poverty

as a young married Mormon couple.

Let me move on. How did a pizza chain outrage the pure,

democratically spirited American people?

Produced the Mitt Cheesy pizza? Cheesy Mitt?

They had offered a free pizza for life

to anyone at the election debates who would dare to ask the candidates

if they preferred sausage or pepperoni.

I'd say that's the best way to judge anyone's character, isn't it?

Out of interest, Paul, Ian, sausage, pepperoni?

If you just want to have pizza,

I think pepperoni on a pizza is extremely good.

But if you're talking about the sausage on its own,

then I think, yeah...

Sorry, I just had flash of reality and thought was I was saying.

-No, I don't know.

-No. Me neither.

-And I don't care.

-No, absolutely.

-Let's see...

-Saveloy used to be my favourite.

-On a pizza?

-No, just as they are.

-Yes.

They bring back childhood memories.

Mainly because I was brought up by a family of saveloys in Wolverhampton, lovely family.

If one of them had said pepperoni... If Obama had said that,

that'd have been spun as not being American enough.

What would have been American is, if they'd said

they liked a pizza on top of their pizza.

Would you like to see how Mitt Romney introduced

his prospective Vice President Paul Ryan?

Join me in welcoming

the next President of the United States - Paul Ryan!

APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at the man.

All I can say is, I would break my foot before I tired

of kicking that man in the balls.

Who won't be witnessing the US election at close quarters?

President Kennedy.

-Gary McKinnon.

-Absolutely.

He was looking for UFOs primarily, wasn't he?

He left a message on one hacked computer saying...

And then added...

The password to get into the high-ranking... Did you read this?

It was "Password."

It was "Password." They just kept the default setting!

Is that a silly thing to do with all your...?

This is the latest US presidential debate.

Romney defended his position on women's rights by saying

that as Governor of Massachusetts, on his desk would be...

..or, as Mormons call them, the wedding albums.

The Times reminded its readers of the party symbols of the Republicans

and the Democrats - the elephant and the donkey,

representing both the weight and the intelligence

of the average American voter.

I'm sorry to America!

OK, some foreign news for you now. Ian and Will, take a look at this.

Foreign news! Certainly not yet, anyway.

Er, tossing the Cable, you just chuck him out!

Scotland!

Well, you call it that, I call it that, but George Alagiah calls it...

VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.

Would you like to see him calling it that again? I would.

VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.

WILL: Scotland's going to have a referendum on independence.

It's like an old marriage where you're just saying,

"It's kind of OK, but I'm not going to find anyone else."

It's a terrible idea. Everyone forgets,

Alex Salmond was a great friend and supporter of Sir Fred Goodwin.

The two of them talked about Scotland's future

as a financial centre. They were going to be the new Iceland!

The referendum will be in...

-2014.

-..2014, on June 24th.

It's the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn.

Or he might choose March 14th, to coincide with World Chip Day.

And what will the ballot paper contain?

Just one question. In or out? So it's, "Do you want it or not?"

That's right, because, according to the Mail...

And that question is...

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"You'll have had your tea?"

Who will be able to vote in the election

that wouldn't normally get the chance?

It's going to be 16-year-olds,

as that's a big fan base for Alex Salmond.

That's right.

There's 123,000 teenagers aged between 16 and 17,

or, as they're known in Scotland, the middle aged.

I'm not going to Scotland again!

Ian, you're vaguely Scottish. Will you get a chance to vote?

No, I think you have to be resident.

That's right. On the electoral roll...

which, in Scotland, is heavily buttered.

I'll stop now. I know!

I'm going to be assassinated with a deep-fried Mars bar.

I like the sound of that, it sounds marvellous.

He's arguing that Scots should be independent,

apart from, apparently, they're going to have Sterling if he wins,

which is rather peculiar, and he hasn't made it clear

whether they're going to join the EU.

So instead of being told what to do by London,

they can be told what to do by Mrs Merkel,

which is a form of independence.

The Greeks aren't thrilled by it at the moment.

In Scotland, terms have been agreed for the referendum on independence.

If you're wondering how Alex Salmond managed to persuade David Cameron

into agreeing to a referendum, the Daily Mail offered a clue.

And there we were worried about Iran.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-This is the man who we featured

last week, who didn't do what he was meant to,

but he did it this week and it was fantastic!

He jumped out of his capsule, 23 miles above the Earth's surface.

But the thing that was particularly impressive was his landing.

-He just sort of landed and just walked forward.

-It was amazing.

It was as if he just jumped off a wall five-feet high, or something.

It could only have been better if he'd have landed in an open-top sports car and just zoomed off!

Just gone straightaway, or on the back of water skis.

What happens when you travel faster than the speed of sound?

Do you hear things that you've already said?

Yeah, it's like watching a repeat of this programme.

Now, seven million people watched the jump on the internet.

What happened when his parachute opened safely?

-They all turned off.

-Stopped watching.

One million viewers worldwide stopped watching.

The assumption being, they were waiting for him to plummet to his death.

Yes, he managed to break three records. Do you know what they were?

-Maddest thing.

-Fastest speed of a human being ever.

The highest manned balloon flight,

the highest altitude from which a man has free-fallen

and the first supersonic freefall.

-And quickest to get laid after.

-That's right.

Not to mention, the world's longest, "Wee-ee-ee-ee!"

This is Felix Baumgartner,

who jumped 24 miles from the edge of space,

reached speeds of 833 miles an hour,

and broke the sound barrier, before making a perfect landing.

That, David Blaine, is a stunt!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Special pants to help you with your bedsores.

-Well done.

They are caused by just being in the same position

for such a long time, so what nurses do is, they turn people manually.

But obviously busy having sex with doctors a lot of the time and...

So these underpants, you plug them in and you get an electric shock

which sends you up, and you turn in mid-air and land on the other side?!

There's somebody in a control room, "Give him 40,000! Argh!"

-Or do they work walking down the street?

-Sorry?

Can you walk wearing them down the street? Can it have a radio control?

Is it for women to control men?

That sounds slightly paranoid of you.

I think it's a good idea. Don't you think it's a good idea?

To control men with electric underpants?

I prefer just hitting them with a baseball bat.

LAUGHTER

The Smart-e-Pants are not the only

technological clothing advance announced recently.

-What is this woman wearing?

-Oh, I saw this.

This is a thing where you can hug people via the...

-Via Twitter, or something.

-Facebook.

But imagine the fun you could have with a pair of electric underpants.

Never mind giving somebody a hug, 40,000 Volts!

"You're late for work, you'll catch that bus! Agh!"

These are called Like-A-Hug.

Wouldn't it be better

if you went and saw the person and gave them a hug?

What actually happens, according to the Mail, is that...

-What the

-BLEEP

-does that mean?!

But I suppose it does beat poking yourself.

These are the new electric underpants for use in hospitals.

I don't know much about the science of electricity and fluids,

but I suspect there may be a problem

giving these underpants to elderly patients.

And to me as well, because you know what stress incontinence does.

Ahem! Pssh...

Which means at the end of this round,

it's Ian and Will with five and Paul and Richard with five.

Ooh...

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Ian and Will, your four are Jesus, Rothko's Black On Maroon,

Vladimir Putin and Richard III.

Richard III's just been dug up.

Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.

Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.

LAUGHTER

The Rothko's been defaced.

They've all been guests on Richard Bacon's show, erm...

Oh, that Richard III interview was brilliant!

"So, kingdom or horse?"

It's about painting.

There are no portraits of Vladimir Putain.

-Putain?!

-Putain!

LAUGHTER He's French!

I'm going to give you the first part. They've all been painted over.

RICHARD: Oh, the Jesus image...

WILL: Oh, that woman who did the touch-up? Oh, God.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, go on.

They've all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,

which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer

in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.

'This is how Christ was depicted originally,

'and this as he looks now,

'after a DIY restoration...'

King Richard III's portrait was painted over during the reign

of the Tudors, and why has he been in the news recently?

They found his remains under a car park in Leicester.

That's right,

so he's not just been painted over, he's been Tarmac'd over.

They have all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot. One supporter of Pussy Riot

is former World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov

who, outside the court, was attacked by members

of the Russian Orthodox Church.

He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.

One of Pussy Riot's songs

urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionee... Oh, sorry.

I'm getting tired now. I need my electric pants on!

-One of...

-BUZZER

APPLAUSE

One of Pussy Riot's songs

urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionary struggle,

with the lyrics...

On behalf of casualty departments everywhere,

I'd like to point out that is for women only.

After his death, Richard III's...

You must have had... Did you ever get people turning up...?

What d'you mean, I must have had what?!

People turning up with... Although you weren't in a general hospital,

did you ever get people arriving with strange things inside them

which they tried to explain away?

Yes, the saddest one that we had was, erm, a woman arrived

with the cap of a bottle of Brasso up her vagina

because she thought that's the sort of contraceptive cap you needed...

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Had a nice shiny vagina, though.

It's all right, that won't go out.

-I think it will!

-LAUGHTER

After his death, Richard III's portrait was painted over.

The skeleton of Richard III

was found in a car park not far from Bosworth Field.

Experts digging at the site thought it was just some rubble

mixed with rags and animal remains,

but it turned out to be Leicester City Centre.

So I can't go to Scotland or Leicester now.

Paul and Richard, here are yours.

Lady Gaga, Pauline Prescott,

Morrissey and Tiger Woods.

This may have a meat theme.

Lady Gaga wore a meat suit.

-That's right, yes.

-Morrissey won't allow meat,

he will not perform at any venue

that sells meat, I don't think.

Yes, that's right. Somebody once told me a story, somebody who was

promoting him at the time, back in the Smiths days, the early '80s,

and the manager and promoter were talking in the office

while the concert's going on

and suddenly, Morrissey comes in, totally distraught,

he can't talk, he can't speak. He's just white, in shock.

Eventually, they get the story out of him.

Somebody threw a sausage at him.

-A cooked sausage was thrown at Morrissey.

-Did it hit him?

It was near enough for him to be, sort of, interacting with it.

So it probably is about meat. Lady Gaga...

Morrissey, erm...

Tiger Woods...

treats waitresses like meat.

And Pauline Prescott's husband looks like a glistening ham.

I think the meat thing is clearly right,

cos Lady Gaga and Morrissey, there must be a meat theme.

-You can actually narrow that down to sausages.

-Sausages, OK.

So the Morrissey thing is correct.

Did Lady Gaga... It was made of bacon, her outfit,

did it have sausages...?

Well, let's say she wore a sausage in some way

which we have not yet determined.

I don't know, we say meat, but we can't go further than that,

-unless you can think of any more?

-No, no.

-Take a wild guess, then.

-OK, well...

-The wild guess is that Pauline Prescott is the odd one out

because everyone else has had sausage-related incidents

happen to them on a daily basis.

You're right, Pauline Prescott is the odd one out,

but that's because all the other three

have had a sausage thrown at them,

except for Pauline Prescott, who was wooed by a string of sausages.

That's no way to talk about John Prescott!

Tiger Woods was recently hit by a hot dog

while playing a round of golf.

An eagle, a birdie and three bogeys

were the main ingredients of that sausage.

GROANING

It's time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication The Mace-Bearer.

And we start with...

Is this, "It's a menage a six!"

Is this "Vladimir Putain"?

Isn't this the personal life of the French Prime Minister?

-No.

-Is it 50 Shades of Grey,

-which they all find very tame?

-No.

-Do the French find it tame?

-Yes.

Yeah, they call it 50 Shades of...

Let me tell you, it was...

According to the Daily Mail, French woman Solenne San Jose

called the phone company to query the charge and was put on hold,

thereby doubling the bill.

So, next...

Carrying a mace on your shoulder!

Rather exciting, isn't it?

This is news from the editor's wife, who writes, about her husband...

Of course, it might not be Mace-bearer's shoulder.

And, oh, finally. And finally...

Is it HMS Endurance?

No, the answer is...

This, of course, is from The Mace-Bearer.

The pot raised a smile with everyone,

except the Greek Finance Minister, who looked at it enviously,

as he doesn't have one to piss in.

So, the final scores are - Ian and Will have six,

but Paul and Richard have ten.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Paul and Richard get this.

Goldilocks - the search continues.

And Ian and Will have that.

50 Lampshades of Grey.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Terrible.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

Ian Hislop and Will Smith, Paul Merton and Richard Bacon.

And I leave you with news that in Central London,

Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."

Arriving at the White House to interview the Vice President,

Piers Morgan is disappointed to be told that the Obamas aren't at home.

And in Idaho, there's a surprise for one young supporter

as Mitt Romney agrees to show her the new tattoo he's had done

of his opponent's face.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE