Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

So, Conrad, you have seen this show before? You know what it entails?

-I think so, yes.

-OK, well, I salute your balls.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I will give you the opportunity to do just that if you want.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And who says prison doesn't work?!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

after an impassioned speech denying that the Conservatives

are the party of privilege,

Ken Clarke makes his way back to the Commons.

LAUGHTER

As he and his staff are forced to relocate

and rent a small office in Peckham,

there's evidence former Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell

has yet to lose his sense of self-importance.

INAUDIBLE

LAUGHTER

And at Washington airport,

there's a security alert after some idiot leaves a bag unattended.

LAUGHTER

With Ian tonight is a writer and presenter

whose engagement to comedian David Mitchell was announced in The Times.

Old-fashioned, but it only got there

because a News International journalist hacked her phone.

Please welcome Victoria Coren!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a former owner of The Daily Telegraph,

who was imprisoned for three and a half years for fraud.

He's also described Rupert Murdoch as a psychopath.

So, he's not all bad, then!

Please welcome Conrad, Lord Black of Crossharbour!

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Conrad, please take a look at this.

Oh, badgers, yes, this is badgers.

They've called off the cull of badgers.

Brian May may have been responsible.

And George Osborne is going to be culled instead, apparently.

LAUGHTER

This is the badger cull that's not going to happen

because there was too many police involved in the Olympics,

they can't be involved in the cull.

There's more badgers than there should be,

so they think the cull's not going to work.

Some of the badgers have started employing barn owls as bouncers.

So it's going to be postponed till next year, I think.

But I thought that some of these badgers,

since they couldn't be culled,

were being employed as auxiliaries to go from door to door,

bothering people and pestering them with messages on their collars,

urging them to subscribe to The Times.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I've heard that as well!

LAUGHTER

What was the police's role to be?

They were meant to protect the farmers against protesters,

who didn't want the badgers to be culled.

-That's right.

-What's weird is that they said

they had to cull them because there were too many and they were dangerous...

Now there's too many to cull.

Now there's too many, which suggests that they're about to take over.

We know from literature that these are wise creatures, knowledgeable...

Yes, but like the Daleks can't go upstairs,

badgers don't come out in daylight, so they're going to have to...

It'll have to be a night-time coup if they are going to

take over the country.

And why are the badgers being culled? What are they accused of?

Erm, the Great Train Robbery was one thing.

Well, it's for spreading TB to cattle.

We don't know if they do that or not, but that's the belief.

They're accused of spreading TB, some would say unfairly accused.

-They're innocent before proven.

-Unfairly accused.

Oh, don't you hate it when that happens!

LAUGHTER

I believe you said, on another matter,

-"If this is justice, I'm a banana."

-I did!

Yeah, well, you know, the badgers may be...

-They may be bananas yet.

-Exactly.

So who has been lobbying on behalf of badgers?

-Brian May!

-That's right.

We've got a picture of Brian here, from some years ago

and...now.

Now I'm guessing, sometime between those two photographs,

there was a phase when he was a bit badgery himself.

LAUGHTER

Why are there so many? Is it that they don't have natural predators?

And they no longer consort with rats or moles.

LAUGHTER

1992, they were made a protected species,

so there are no natural predators, apart from Jeremy Clarkson.

LAUGHTER

-One answer could be to introduce something like a puma.

-Yeah.

"Puma, this is some badgers. Badgers, here's the puma."

-There could be a vaccine.

-There could be.

What are the problems with the vaccine?

They won't always keep their appointments.

The boom in badgers has had an effect on hedgehogs.

There are now very few.

Hedgehogs are now being edged towards...

-endangered species.

-Do badgers eat hedgehogs?

-Very carefully.

-Do they?

LAUGHTER

They come with their own toothpicks, so it's not all bad, is it?

That was quite a good joke, that, is this on?

LAUGHTER

-The Minister for Badgers, we have one...

-Owen Paterson.

Owen Paterson, yeah, The Guardian asked him

if he was concerned about the public opinion being against the cull.

Anyone see what he replied to that?

"I don't care, I'm a bloodthirsty lunatic.

"Badgers first, next it's Methodists!"

LAUGHTER

He said...

There we are! Yeah, exactly.

Sound advice there for anyone thinking of pissing themselves.

LAUGHTER

Is there seriously... There's a Minister for Badgers?

There's not been a story about badgers in my lifetime before.

What's this person been doing for the last...24 years?

LAUGHTER

No, but what do they do the rest of the time?

-He's Minister for Environment.

-Oh, OK.

Yeah, he's just got the job - he's like a lot of the Tory cabinet,

he's feeling his way into disaster slowly.

LAUGHTER

In other news,

how was George Osborne dragged back into the class war this week?

Oh, yes, about this time a week ago, was it?

He was travelling on a train

but only had a standard-class ticket for first class,

and then there's conflicting accounts as to what happened next.

Yes, there was a journalist in the same...

The same carriage, not in the first-class bit,

-but she took a picture and put it on Twitter.

-Yes.

Have you been around for Twitter? Did you miss Twitter?

-Well, I missed that Twitter, but I'm aware of the phenomenon.

-Oh, OK.

Anything you're not up to speed on, you just...

LAUGHTER

No, I...

George Osborne doesn't seem terribly warm.

I didn't think it would be easy to feel sympathetic towards him,

but it is really hard to get the right train ticket.

Haven't we all been on a train and told, "You can't sit there,

"you've done the wrong thing, you have to be wearing a hat for that"?

-That would let the Chancellor off, wouldn't it?

-Hmm.

I don't mind that he doesn't know which ticket to buy,

-it's just that he doesn't know which franchise to award to who.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Alexander, when Mr Disraeli was the Chancellor,

-didn't he have his own train?

-Mm-hm.

-It would stop anywhere he wanted.

-Yeah, well...

Well, as long as it was on a railway line, I mean...

But is this progress, in this country,

for the Chancellor to go from a private train

down to being condemned for having a first-class ticket?

Yes, it is.

LAUGHTER

But you are allowed to buy a ticket.

You can get on a train without any ticket and buy when the man comes.

Some trains, if you buy it on the train,

it costs more than if you bought it in advance at the station.

And sometimes if you say, "Can I buy a ticket on the train?"

-they say, "No, you can pay a fine..."

-Oh, really?

"..because you should not have boarded without a ticket."

-A groan of agreement here.

-LAUGHTER

-A number of known fare dodgers.

-LAUGHTER

Who was with George Osborne at the time?

His assistant, who he blamed.

-That's government for you.

-HE MOUTHS

She has a lovely name, Poppy Mitchell-Rose.

Here there are, there's the happy... happy couple.

VICTORIA: Oh, that, I'd forgotten that, they were watching a DVD.

Oh, that's what annoyed me.

I was sympathetic about the ticket, but - "You can't read a book?!"

It might be a mirror.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It keeps him entertained for hours!

A fellow passenger - who spoke to the Daily Mail...

Not necessary, it could have been

a documentary about poor people. Yeah.

Oh, yes!

-So what happened in the end?

-The upgrade was paid.

That's right, out of George's own pocket.

Sidney and Beatrice Webb, the founders of the Fabian Society,

always travelled first class, because they found the poor people

noisy and irritating and interrupted their concentration.

LAUGHTER

That's...

Are you suggesting that's a good or a bad thing?

I suspect they were correct. LAUGHTER

So this is what you call a charm offensive, is it?

LAUGHTER

So Osborne ended up coughing up £189.90.

Still, as The Guardian helpfully pointed out...

-Cor!

-I think I read, in Vanity Fair, that you said despite everything

-you are still worth about 80 million, is that right?

-No.

I had said that I'd lost 80% of my money

fighting this oppression from the United States Government,

so they said, "That leaves you with 80 million..."

Did they invade you? I must have missed this!

I said I thought I could live on 80 million, if that was what I had.

Yeah, well, that's the spirit, chin up!

When Osborne's train arrived in London, which it did,

as we saw, there was a pack of journalists waiting.

George was anxious to clear everything up, obviously.

According to The Guardian, he told the media -

He's got form, though, Osborne... Sorry, that's insensitive, sorry.

He's done this before.

He was allegedly caught doing the same thing in May this year.

The Sunday Times reported...

I would stick to "I'm sure it will be, um," in the future.

It's all right for them to sit in first class, then?

You still call it a great office of state, you know.

Can't he travel first class?

-We are in the middle of this austerity thing.

-Yes.

Did you have that?

-No, Canada's rich.

-But we're trying

to foster a spirit of all being in it together.

So any sort of class distinction at the moment is very, very sensitive.

Which is why he introduced you as Mr Black.

You are Conrad, Lord Black of Crossharbour.

Is that how you introduced me?

I'm still wondering what I should call you now, though.

Your Crossharbourness.

-Alexander.

-OK.

No, that's my name, that would be confusing.

Also this week, what has David Cameron been saying about criminals?

Um... Conrad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That in this great United Kingdom,

those officially so designated may actually have broken the law.

And that this is a departure from some transatlantic customs.

He didn't really make a decision that innocent people

should not go to jail, did he, this week?

Does this require the truth, Alexander?

I know you're not used to that, Conrad.

-Not used to hearing it, certainly.

-Oh, really?

What about from the jury?

Nine acquittals and they sort of ran out of steam.

But the Supreme Court made up for it unanimously...

No, you didn't run out of steam, you ran into jail.

They found you guilty, didn't they, Conrad, the jury?

Er, nine acquittals, complemented by a unanimous

vacation of the four guilty verdicts by the Supreme Court of the US.

But two stuck - one for fraud and one for obstruction of justice.

Oh, Ian, please, please.

"Oh, stop reciting the verdict as though it was true."

A little respect for due process, Ian.

-No, I'm...

-You are a banana!

I DO respect it.

I am not a banana, all I am saying is that you were found

guilty on two counts, which stood, you went to jail,

you have come back... You would like to be rehabilitated?

No, no, I have been rehabilitated

and I'm proud to have been cleared by the Supreme Court.

-You weren't cleared!

-And I've come here...

You've come to say you're innocent. Sweet, but not true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What did we discover MPs have been up to this week?

-More expenses.

-Mm-hm?

-Was there one about prisoners voting?

Did somebody get a point for that, or is that not the answer?

-I think we've done enough about prisons for a while.

-Oh, it's...

They are renting out houses and buying other houses

and buying people to live in houses

and selling the people to the other...

They've found an ingenious loophole.

Isn't one of them sharing a flat with another MP and renting out hers,

then the MP that's renting a room to her is claiming something on that?

Yeah. That's exactly right, yes.

That is the connection between Labour MP

Iain McKenzie and Labour MP Linda Riordan.

Why aren't they all in prison?

Well, two of them on the expenses fiddle are in the House of Lords

and it's awfully hard to get rid of people...

with a record... from the House of Lords.

Lord Archer?

APPLAUSE

We... We embrace him as a fellow author.

Can I ask you a question?

When you were in prison, were you a really important figure?

Were you the sort of Harry Grout of the jail?

It was like Camp New Moon,

I enjoyed every moment of it. And I only came out

when the Supreme Court released me,

in order to come back here and try and help enlighten you with

this crisis you're having with the badgers.

Incidentally, Linda Riordan is the MP for Halifax.

Not sure if that's the town or the building society.

So, what is she going to do now, just to round this off?

Is she going to resign?

No, according to the Telegraph...

I bet she did. And then she was going to sell it.

She told the Telegraph she took the decision...

It would be really nice

if people provided transparency BEFORE they were rumbled,

rather than after.

Can I just go back to something? Camp New Moon?

-Is that what you said?

-I did, yes.

Camp New Moon? And then you came out?

I must...

I must say how moved I am at the relief that is clear tonight,

throughout the room, at the fact that I did indeed come out.

I had not been in this country for seven years and I am really

quite affected by this tremendous solicitude

for the fact that I did leave.

My wife, who has also enjoyed, as I have, tremendously sympathetic

treatment in the British media over the last few years...

But you did own a big chunk of it

-and you weren't awfully sympathetic to other people, were you?

-I was.

-I was deeply sympathetic, even to you, Ian.

-You weren't.

-Not at all.

-Oh, Ian, what rubbish! Your nose is growing.

I was a very...

MY nose is growing?! God.

The "Black" calling the kettle a crook. God...

This is the last-minute reprieve for Britain's badgers,

who can now breathe easy.

Apart from the thousands who've got TB.

Meanwhile, George Osborne was in trouble after being caught

in a first-class train seat with a standard-class ticket.

In fairness, he had tried to sit in the quiet carriage

but was asked to leave on account of all the booing.

-APPLAUSE

-Good joke.

According to the Mirror, when he arrived at Euston...

But unfortunately, the train had stopped.

Also this week, Trenton Oldfield, the protester who jumped into

the Thames to disrupt this year's Boat Race, was sent to jail.

He almost collided with the Oxford crew, but avoided the cox.

Good luck doing that in prison.

Now, Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

Oh, good, things are going to cheer up now, aren't they?

I'm worried about this, because I think I am the only person

in Britain that thinks the BBC were right not to put on that Newsnight.

You might say, "Why did they cover it up?

"Now it's come out, there doesn't seem to have been much of a fuss."

But I genuinely can understand how,

if you were in charge of an organisation like that

and somebody had just died, you wouldn't necessarily think it was

right to air a programme saying they were a child molester.

You should be careful what you say

about people who are not there to defend themselves.

It was a difficult decision. They would've had a hard time

if they had put it on. They didn't, and they're getting a hard time.

-That's certainly novel.

-I'm glad so many of you agree.

APPLAUSE

I totally agree that we should be looking at the managers

of the hospitals who gave him a room and whatever,

but the BBC employed him for 50 years.

They cracked him up, they did nothing about what he did.

It must be remedied.

You cannot say, "Oh, it's unfair on the BBC."

That's why the Director-General

is in front of a Parliamentary Select Committee,

the whole thing is about, was it pulled

because the BBC thought, "We can't disrupt our Christmas schedule,

"we can't piss on our own 50-year parade of 'isn't Jimmy a great guy?'

"by putting out a programme that's saying,

" 'actually, he wasn't - look at this.' "

Were you hoping our answer would be funnier than this?

-SQUEAKS:

-Yes.

How was the new Director-General, George Entwistle, grilled this week?

The members of the Cultural Select Committee had a go at him.

They said he was, I think, like a suit with no-one in it.

The Sun described him as...

Again, one doesn't want to sit here and be accused of defending

the BBC, because the BBC has a lot to answer for.

But one of the high points of the select committee

was when George Entwistle said, "I don't remember, I don't recall,

"I'm not sure," and someone said, "You sound like James Murdoch."

Quite a good joke.

Not in The Sun.

George Entwistle, as I understand, has just taken on the job recently.

You've got to salute the chap - is it Thompson? -

who was in the job before.

He's like the person who sells his house just before a motorway

goes through the garden.

And this poor Mr Entwistle, straight in.

Poor Mr Entwistle was in charge of television

when the Newsnight programme was pulled.

He told MPs that the BBC is a great organisation

because only a great organisation

would allow one of its own programmes

to tell everyone how rubbish it is.

Well, that is true, there was a very good Panorama about Newsnight.

And then, next week, there's a Newsnight about Panorama.

This idea that changing the schedules is a big deal -

no, it isn't.

Dad's Army, and again. And then another one.

The one where Pike says... You know, with the Italian commander.

-Paul, help me out.

-German.

-German.

Played by Philip Madoc, who was a Welshman.

"Your name will go in my book. What is it?"

"Don't tell him, Pike." "Pike."

The other thing about Dad's Army is that Arthur Lowe,

who played Captain Mainwaring, had it written

into his contract that he couldn't appear without wearing any trousers.

So if there was a scene which needed him to have no trousers, he wouldn't do it.

Quite right. Which makes him unique at the BBC in the '70s.

Exactly, yes. Absolutely.

Did you see how uncooperative Jeremy Paxman was this week?

Have a look at this.

Mr Paxman, have you got any comments about the Newsnight investigation?

No. Have you?

He's very aggressive, isn't he, Lord Cross?

-I found him very cooperative.

-Really?

-Oh, yes.

-Let's have a quick look at you on Paxman.

-Sure.

Let me tell you something,

I am proud of having gone through the terribly difficult

process of being falsely charged, falsely convicted, and ultimately

almost completely vindicated, without losing my mind, becoming irrational,

ceasing to be a penitent and reasonable person,

and actually being able to endure a discussion like this

without getting up and smashing your face in,

which is what most people would do if they had been through what I have.

-Well, you go ahead. No-one's stopping you.

-No, I wouldn't...

Does that feel good?

Er, not as good as doing it.

No, I like Jeremy, he's just... He's just...an asshole. That's all.

It's unbelievable that you get away with that, really.

A man asking you questions about being a fraudster

and you just say, "He's an asshole."

So, moving on, which other much-loved and respected

TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished by a new investigation?

Pudsey.

-It's Piers Morgan, isn't it?

-What is the story?

-Well...

It looked for a while as though only News International were going

to get blamed for phone hacking. But now, would you believe it,

someone has taken a civil action against the Mirror Group!

Four people.

And the editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan.

Who...is innocent.

He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.

Yes, though amusingly,

most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography.

-What does Jeremy Paxman have to say about Piers?

-Tell us.

He told the Leveson enquiry that over a lunch at the Mirror in 2002,

Piers Morgan explained that Paxman would be a fool

not to have his own security setting on his mobile voicemail.

Piers Morgan laughed this off and he says

he can't remember any of the details.

He has a very patchy memory. In the Daily Mail,

he said of Jimmy Savile...

Yet, in an extract from Piers' book,

also printed in the Daily Mail in 2009, he said...

What do you think of Piers Morgan, Conrad?

-He wanted desperately to come and visit me in prison.

-Did he?

And I told the warden I would be happy to receive him.

But then, I'm afraid, he kind of bottled out.

Do you suppose he was afraid that once admitted in,

he wouldn't be allowed out?

Yes, this is

the embarrassingly inept handling of the Jimmy Savile scandal,

which has caused the public to lose all trust in the BBC.

One Newsnight source has suggested that

the reason the Savile investigation was dropped

was that the BBC Head of News, Helen Boaden...

Here is Helen Boaden.

Hang on, sorry, before we are accused of another BBC cover-up -

whoa, there we go.

Now, until this week, that was her most uncomfortable moment.

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Paul?

-Well, it's a 3D printer.

-That's exactly right, yes.

Isn't that called a teleporter? Can you feed yourself in one end...

-And come out the other end?

-Yeah.

What would be the point in doing that?

You're still in the same room, you've just gone through a machine.

-We can see one in action, here we go.

-Go on, then.

So, what is this, is it plastic or something? My God.

-And does it always have to look like that thing?

-Yes.

-Technology for you.

-Does anyone know how it works?

-Yeah.

You press a button and it comes out of the other end.

Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

-Nobody knows?!

-No-one knows.

How did it get there in the first place?

"Look at this machine, you press a button and a house comes out."

"How does that work?" "Nobody knows."

I'm not sure anyone has tried to explain it,

because it's veiled in secrecy.

-Science?

-Yes. Various people have tried to have a go at explaining it.

Some say it's like an MRI scan.

Others say it's like making a multilayered sandwich.

But here is the Independent's science correspondent's attempt.

-What things can you create with it?

-Is that a vase?

According to the Independent...

-What?!

-How would you make a gun?!

You might press the wrong button all afternoon

and get hundreds of prosthetic legs. "I've got hundreds of these things,

"I've got to go out and hit people over the head with them, I've not got a single gun."

What else have scientists discovered this week?

They can go to prison if they don't adequately predict when an earthquake will happen.

The Italian government is trying to put scientists in jail for failing to predict the earthquake.

Can you imagine? Michael Fish would be in the slammer!

He'd still be there!

This is to do with beluga whales.

There's a beluga whale, they think...

Was it mimicking human speech?

A marine biologist diver thought he heard a whale telling him to get out of the water.

"Get out the water! Get out the water!

"It's hard to keep these alight under here, I tell you."

He set up a programme of sound recordings of the whales and analysed them.

Do you want to hear the whale doing an impression of a human? Yes, please.

KAZOO-LIKE WHALE SONG

That sounds like a hell of a party!

Yes, this is the arrival of a new gadget in our homes, the 3D printer.

Using this technology,

the University of Washington has proposed...

Or, as laymen like you or I would call it, a shop.

Fingers on buzzers.

-BUZZER

-Paul and Conrad.

Well, it's Obama and Donald Trump.

Has he said something about the President this week?

He accused him of being a blowhard.

And the President demonstrated that he could scarcely move

Donald's wig, you see.

It's not a wig, though is it?

Who would buy a wig that looked like that?

You'd want your money back, wouldn't you?

Is Donald Trump one of those people who believe that the President

wasn't born in an American state?

Exactly. He's a birther. He believes Obama

was born in Kenya, hence ineligible for the job of President.

Despite him having shown everyone his birth certificate,

and him being the President.

One commentator described Donald Trump as a "bloviating ignoramus".

Conrad, do you know Donald Trump?

He's a loyal friend

and after what I have been put to in the last nine years,

I attach a great premium to that and I think Donald is a very fine man.

But I admit, he's an acquired taste.

What did he promise earlier this week, Donald Trump?

Didn't he make a bet about the birth certificate?

He said he'd had a revelation

that could possibly change the result of the election.

What do people think that his revelation was going to be, but never was?

They thought he would have a different certificate, or have some evidence.

A tweet from a respected businessman who has been on TV with Trump, Douglas Cass, said...

And amazingly, millions of Americans believed a man who talks to a gnome.

I like the idea that you could pay to see records from politicians.

I would pay £100 to see George Osborne's O-level maths paper.

You could do it as a sort of telethon.

I love the way Donald Trump can say,

"I want it to be shown to my satisfaction."

You think, no, he's the President, you're a man with stupid hair.

What did some wags at The Guardian do in response to Trump's offer?

-Dunno.

-But I bet it was hilarious.

-They rang his office

and asked for Trump's college and passport records.

The paper was accused of...

On the subject of people

with questionable hair trying to have a say in American politics - who else has waded in?

-Is it Wayne Rooney?

-It is, yeah.

Wayne Rooney tweeted...

Is that because Obama's elderly grandmother lives in the UK, I wonder?

According to seasoned political commentators - The Sun...

Also, Wayne's tweet was said to be a...

..by Piers Morgan.

Yes, this is Donald Trump's continued obsession

with obtaining details of Barack Obama's birth and early life.

I'm sure they'll be on the internet somewhere, why not just ask that Gary McKinnon to have a root around.

Wayne Rooney stayed up late to watch all three of the presidential

debates, so must have turned up tired for training.

I'm sure Sir Alex Ferguson was delighted.

"You know the rules - CBeebies for an hour, one prostitute, then bed."

Time now for the odd-one-out round. Ian and Victoria, your four are...

Orson Welles, Dawn French,

Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.

VICTORIA: Is Antony Worrall Thompson ever not the odd man out?

-Is it fancy dress?

-Mm-hm?

There's definitely a picture of Conrad Black dressed...

-Is it Cardinal Richelieu?

-It is. Was it?

You must have been so sorry you wore that costume.

It was the only one left at Angels. And it wasn't Richelieu, by the way.

I was just an ordinary cardinal, and my wife didn't even have a costume,

she put a lot of petticoats under something she had and came as a barmaid.

Shall we have a quick look at the pair of you?

When you say your wife didn't have a costume...

-So, who's the odd one out?

-Orson Welles appeared

as Cardinal Richelieu in a film. Dawn French has appeared as a vicar.

So she's the odd one out,

because the others have all appeared as a cardinal in some shape or form.

Spot on. That is right.

Orson Welles in the 1966 film version of A Man For All Seasons,

he played the part of Cardinal Wolsey.

Can anyone else think of another role Orson Welles

played in his career?

-Citizen Kane.

-Citizen Kane.

Yes, played Charles Foster Kane, a power-crazed multimillionaire newspaper tycoon,

who faces a humiliating demise on account of his own greed.

Not humiliating, no, not humiliating.

Antony Worrall Thompson, he's dressed as a cardinal to mark

the launch of the national Save the Cauliflower campaign,

which at least explains why

he necked all that Cheddar. He just loves cauliflower cheese.

Why is he dressed as a cardinal?

He couldn't get a cauliflower costume.

Yes, they have all dressed as a cardinal, except Dawn French, who dressed as a vicar.

At the end of every episode, the Vicar of Dibley told a joke

to her friend Alice, who never, ever laughed.

Though to be fair to Alice, by the end of Vicar of Dibley, she wasn't alone.

Here is Antony Worrall Thompson, dressed as a cardinal.

If you think he looks embarrassed there, imagine how he felt

when they took that hat off and found an Edam.

Here is Conrad dressed as a cardinal.

On his way to becoming Pope Innocent the Not.

Talking to Newsnight, Conrad tried to dismiss his ostentatious choice of outfit, saying...

He just said that again, on this programme! Why credit Newsnight?

Talking to this programme, Conrad tried to

dismiss his ostentatious choice of outfit, saying...

Actually, that is absolutely true, I got in just before you and nabbed the convict's outfit.

Paul and Conrad, here are yours.

Andrew Mitchell MP,

the Dalai Lama,

Thomas Bowdler

and Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.

Thomas Bowdler, he produced what he thought were

improved versions of Shakespeare plays.

Andrew Mitchell, of course, is the "pleb" man. Erm...er...

They all amended speeches, is that the clue?

I think it's about swearing.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was on something recently...

How dare you spread rumours! He's not even dead!

-I don't know what the odd one out would be.

-Andrew Mitchell.

They've all admitted to swearing, apart from him.

Andrew Mitchell is the odd one out.

But they all abhor bad language, apart from Andrew Mitchell,

who said he swore, then said he didn't swear, then said he swore.

So, yes, the dreary "Plebgate" fiasco finally came to a close.

It's always sad seeing such a likeable

and humble public figure fall from grace.

-The Dalai Lama, why is he up there?

-He believes he once swore, in 1046.

-No, he was accused of speaking in a very un-Dalai-Lama-y way.

-Really?

Yes, addressing Brown University. What was he accused of saying?

-Not sure.

-No?

The Dalai Lama was saying "forget",

but the stenographer transcribed that as...

To be fair, he has done this before, with the same word as well.

Let's have a look at this, this is him speaking in Vancouver.

I think we should fuh-get

about our feeling... Our religious sorrow.

That is only...differences, and also, you see...

fuh-get...

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

-And fuh-get.

-No, no. I mean forget. You see, the different races...

You see, he's so unsweary, he doesn't even know why they're making a noise.

You think? I think he knows perfectly well.

-You think he's hamming it up?

-I think he is.

-For laughs.

According to one biography, Thomas Bowdler,

the man who removed all references of sex from Shakespeare's plays...

Or as he put it, near Bath.

Jacob Rees-Mogg this week, the Conservative MP told Newsnight...

You would have never sworn

to a police officer in that manner, would you, Jacob Rees-Mogg?

Miss Maitlis, I don't think I've ever sworn in my adult life.

Which is obviously complete bollocks.

This is him, speaking to Andrew Neil, who asked him,

what class are you?

Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy. That's definitely true.

-So, we'll settle for upper-middle?

-I'm a man of the people.

Vox populi, vox dei.

So, yes, they all abhor bad language,

apart from Andrew Mitchell, who said he swore,

then said he didn't swear, then said he swore.

According to the Sunday Times, since the scandal...

Of course he has. Every time he sees a policeman, he cycles away like a man possessed.

Andrew Mitchell's outburst came after refusing to

dismount from his bike when told to by police.

"He gives all of us cyclists a bad name," said Lance Armstrong.

Time now for the missing word round, which this week features as its guest publication...

And we start with...

Yorkshire housewife.

Monkey.

-Absolutely right, yes, mum from Bradford.

-Yes.

According to The Sun...

A parrot?! Those monkeys were robbed.

Next...

Heterosexual anthem.

I think I'm going to give you that, yes.

-I just made that up!

-This is the insistence...

This is the insistence from the Village People

that their song, YMCA, is not gay. According to The Times...

Not sure that's something you'd want to celebrate, is it?

"I've had a tattoo."

Absolutely nearly right. She says tattoos are better than Botox.

Felicity Kendal revealed this

in an interview with Piers Morgan,

although the interview I'm really looking forward to is the one

where Piers Morgan chats to the Metropolitan Police about hacking at the Mirror.

Oh, this is all so awkward!

-You do it.

-The more the merrier.

The more employees.

According to Edition 13, fraud costs the UK...

Although according to Edition 15 of Fraud Focus...

Hmm, someone's been cooking the books.

CONRAD: Shred their papers.

Advised to step aside.

Conrad is probably the nearest.

According to the National Fraud Authority,

the greatest risk of data theft is personal information

given by women shopping for clothes online.

Luckily, none of the information is accurate.

Burkas.

I'd like to see that picture, wouldn't you?

Fancy dress party, they both go as...burkas...er...

Licence plates, they've got similar licence plates for their cars.

That's right. Here is John Bercow's numberplate.

So, yes, he has a personalised plate.

As soon as he changes his name to John B13rco.

Mobile phone.

You're absolutely right.

According to his insurers,

a farmer claimed for a new phone after he lost his iPhone

whilst trying to use it as a torch to look up the rear of a cow.

Was there nothing on the telly that night?

Sad thing was, he was only looking up there for his... Oh, balls!

He was looking up there for his balls?

You've got an idea about animal husbandry which you should keep to yourself.

Sad thing was, he was only looking up there to find his iPad.

Next...

Myopia in squirrels.

No...

Yes, according to Fraud Focus, Stephen Fry helpfully

retweeted a message from the National Fraud Authority,

which led to an increase in fraud awareness.

Although I think his intention may have been increasing Stephen Fry awareness.

And lastly...

VICTORIA: Left into driveway.

Is it food into meal?

The most popular smoothies in Britain are Innocent.

As are all of our panellists tonight.

So, the final scores are

Ian and Victoria have 5, and Paul and Conrad have 10.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

VICTORIA: BBC cover-up reaches new low.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Victoria Coren, Paul Merton and Conrad Black.

I leave you with news that in Texas, there is a worrying moment for Lance Armstrong

when his dog accidentally swallows the contents of his medical bag.

In Shepherd's Bush, BBC executives undergo a training exercise

on how to react to bad news.

And after a stressful few weeks,

Andrew Mitchell finally gets time to trim his front hedge.

Goodnight.