Episode 11 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

-Good evening.

-And...

-Welcome...

-To...

-Have I...

-Got News...

-For You.

-I'm Kathy Burke.

I'm Alastair Campbell.

I'm William Shatner.

I'm Roger Moore.

I'm Clare Balding.

I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

In the news this week, Southeastern Trains stage a publicity exercise

to prove their new trains are idiot-proof.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted

coming home from John Lewis with a brand new meat cleaver.

SCREAMS

The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid the Inland Revenue

takes a new twist as the company reveals its current tax adviser.

LAUGHTER

At a restaurant in Berkshire, Kate Middleton really goes for it

at the all you can eat buffet.

LAUGHTER

And at the G8 banquet for world leaders,

Nick Clegg is given a vital role.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, this is the Olympic flame

the beginning of the Olympic Games.

So the Olympics are coming to London, they've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.

That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda, look.

How did the Olympic flame arrive?

-It was flown.

-In that plane, which Boris described as a "custard-coloured comet."

It arrived in the golden plane, as you said,

-then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.

-Mm-hmm.

Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment

when that helicopter arrived.

REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed, and hard to miss.

LAUGHTER

What were the organisers of a roadside hog roast

advised not to do?

Don't roast a hog.

-By the side of the road.

-Well... partially.

-Don't light the fire. Cos it's against health and safety?

You're on the right track.

Don't use the torch to roast the hog.

Organisers...

Ah yes, because then if you use the torch to roast the hog,

then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame.

Then you have to march through the streets with the hog.

-The sacred hog.

-The sacred hog that's alight.

-Yeah.

-It just looks stupid.

Yeah, it would look silly.

Organisers of the giant hog roast told The Independent:

Also, isn't there something about local businesses,

like the Olympic Kebab Grill or something,

that's been forced to change its name in case people think,

"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"

Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford was told

he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic,

and he'd have to change the sign.

Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it,

so according to the Newham Recorder:

LAUGHTER

That's very good.

He's painted the O out, so if you have trouble finding it,

the Cafe Olympic is at:

-Now, there's all sorts...

-Do you have to book?

You probably do now.

Have you noticed how else language is being manipulated?

The British team is known as Team GB, is that right?

That's right, it's the naming of teams, really,

in the same way that the English Sport Council is now Sport England.

And these, of course,

are all slogans dreamt up by Wankers Marketing.

What did the residents of a block of flats in east London

discover on their roof?

They're going to have ground to air missiles for the Olympic Games.

They're going to sit there gripped by the Olympics,

and also gripped every time a plane goes overhead,

wondering whether that's going to be their last moment.

So yes, people had no idea that they were going to put missiles

on the roof of where you lived, and they're absolutely up in arms.

No pun intended.

LAUGHTER

-According to The Sun, the rockets will be used to...

-According to The Sun?

-Mm-hmm.

The rockets'll have big breasts

and go, "Oh, hello, how you doin', all right?"

This is the Olympic torch,

which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Namely...Yes, I agree with you.

LAUGHTER

Namely Truro and Ilfra-cooombe.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sounds...deeply sexual.

Have you been to Ilfracombe?

-I have.

-The place is laced with prostitution.

LAUGHTER

That's their new slogan now!

That's right!

"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe."

Ah, yes, this is the magnificent sight on the Thames,

it's the jubilee, I think... Yes... This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked.

There's quite a heart-warming moment halfway through

when the Queen almost smiled.

I have a feeling she was there thinking,

"I've been given someone else's day out by mistake."

This is an 86-year-old lady monarch.

They've given her a boat trip and a pop concert.

Why not a bungee jump and a PlayStation?

-This is the four-day celebration...

-Yes.

-..of the Queen's Jubilee.

-Did you go along?

-I was there.

-Were you?

-Yeah.

I thought it was fantastic, actually!

With the greatest of respect, Ian, could you see through the crowds?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Way back in the 18th century, the diarist John Evelyn

described the Lord Mayor's Day flotilla as boasting:

This time around, we got John Barrowman.

There he is, putting the camp in campanology.

LAUGHTER

You sure it's not a mass suicide attempt?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"It's John Barrowman!" "Oh, no!"

Meanwhile, how did the Queen get maximum enjoyment

out of the Jubilee concert?

-She had her earplugs in.

-She did!

She gets nervous around fireworks.

-No, the fireworks were the good bit.

-Mmm.

That was incredible, Madness singing on top of the house.

What I loved about that is while Madness were singing Our House,

they were projecting images of small terraced houses and blocks of flats

onto Buckingham Palace, which I think is almost taunting the poor.

LAUGHTER

This is what you live in. This is what we live in!

Yes, it's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family.

The Duchess of York wore the perfect outfit for the occasion,

a dressing gown and slippers as she watched it on the sofa.

LAUGHTER

That's Hugh Grant.

That's Lord Leveson.

Blair.

And Rebekah Brooks.

And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.

And a witch.

LAUGHTER

Ian, you turned up, didn't you? You were in the very happy position of having nothing to hide.

Yeah, but I had no idea it was going to get this good.

Murdoch today - selective amnesia?

Fabulous! The medics must be having a field day.

"Can you remember anything about phone hacking?"

"Noooo....."

"Can you remember how badly all the politicians have behaved?"

"Yeah, I bloody well can!"

LAUGHTER

Andy Coulson.

-He's been arrested for perjury.

-Yes.

-During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.

-Yes.

While he was actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking.

Are you shocked, Alastair?

-I'm shocked.

-Are you?

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you're shocked, cos, you know...

Some of the people that this government

have been hanging about with...

Rebekah Brooks?

-Know her at all?

-I do!

LAUGHTER

-Were you shocked when she was arrested?

-I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.

LAUGHTER

-He's been charged, though, not just arrested.

-Yeah.

-He's been charged.

-Which is why Ian's being so careful.

-Yeah.

About Andy Coulson, if not about me.

Well, they haven't charged you yet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it...is it hot in here?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Tom Watson made a big, powerful speech, OK?

-Yeah.

-And then he cocked it up by quoting Bob Dylan.

-Mmm.

-What did he say?

"The ladder of the law has no top or bottom," something like that.

Exactly right, no, that's bang on.

No top and no bottom.

Tom Watson says his wife left him because of the phone hacking.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, well, everyone's got an excuse for it, haven't they?

He's a neckless, adenoidal Brummie...

..who's a pitiful waste of blood and organs.

LAUGHTER

I suppose briefly in his favour, when his wife left him,

he didn't slap a super-injunction on her.

Oh, no.

APPLAUSE

Wahey!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-SINGS:

-One-nil! One-nil! One-nil!

The committee found that Rupert Murdoch had:

Something Wendi Deng has to do every time his little blue pills kick in.

Well, that's the end of your column.

As the wife often says to Rupert on a Friday night.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-To be honest, I'm very confused by the Leveson Inquiry.

-Are you?

-Hmm.

There was a good bit about whether, at a party at Rebekah Brooks' house,

there was a conversation between James Murdoch and the Prime Minister

about the BSkyB takeover.

-But luckily, a Sun columnist called Clarkson...

-Mmm?

..went into print to say nothing ever happened.

They didn't talk about it.

Then, would you believe it,

the Prime Minister said "Yes, we did".

So someone isn't telling the truth.

No, that evening, I remember it extremely well.

You see, that makes you unlike the Murdochs, who remember nothing.

I spent the entire evening talking to James Murdoch

about the environment, which he loves and which I hate.

I don't know how he managed to have what he called a tiny chat

about the takeover of BSkyB,

because he was arguing with me constantly till 2am.

Do you think he and Cameron ran away to the toilet to do it?

LAUGHTER

You do know what you just said?

You didn't follow them in there, did you?

James Murdoch did tell the inquiry that he definitely did discuss

the proposed takeover of BSkyB with David Cameron

at a Christmas party at Rebekah Brooks's house in December 2010,

something David Cameron has always denied.

Although Murdoch said, "It wasn't a discussion...

"More of a tiny chat."

Something like, "Will it go through, David?"

"Yes, James. Mince pie?" "Lovely."

Who wants to see a lingering shot

of former News Of The World chief reporter Neville Thurlbeck,

he of the infamous "for Neville" e-mails, on Newsnight?

I think you should have a look at this.

Joining us, Neville Thurlbeck, the former news editor

and chief reporter at the News Of The World

who's now the PR manager for Talking2Minds, a PTSD charity.

Neville Thurlbeck was arrested over allegations of his involvement

in phone hacking and is bailed until next month.

Mr Sinister's in the building.

Incidentally, a poll was published recently that asked the question:

And here was the result.

Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?

It's true, he's got that duckling tuft thing.

-Duckling Tuft?

-Yeah.

One of the finest Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?

We saw Duckling Tuft in his prime.

-He played Hamlet.

-He played Hamlet.

-He became Sir Duckling Tuft.

Well, it's the return of Tony Blair.

-Um...

-Much missed.

-Yes!

Yeah...

Yes.

-Er...

-LAUGHTER

-No...

-To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.

He didn't even flinch, he didn't blink at any point.

You trained him well.

When that guy jumped out and went, "You're a war criminal!",

he didn't even...he just went, "Yeah, whatever."

-He's obviously...

-So he didn't say, "Yeah."

In his soul, he did.

The... LAUGHTER

Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God!

APPLAUSE

But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?

You make tons of money for doing nothing.

He actually said:

-Which is a lovely line, which I wrote.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a typo.

It should say "culpable."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would...

250 quid. That's my copy!

-250 quid?

-Yeah.

-This is yours? Would you like that for Christmas?

-Mmm.

-Do you want it?

-If it was wrapped with consideration. Yeah, I'd have it, yeah.

I'll give you all presents.

Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...

LAUGHTER

You've already got it.

How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?

"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!,

"shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain."

I did look up the bit about Piers Morgan

in that report, I'll be honest.

I know it's 700,000 million words,

but the four or five about Piers are well worth a look.

Can you remember what they were?

Yeah, Lord Leveson didn't find his description of phone hacking

and how he'd never done any entirely convincing.

That's all I'm going to say. Go and read it for yourselves.

The Conservatives don't want statutory underpinned regulation,

the Labour Party do...

"You're lying, Morgan, you toerag!

"Come this side of the Atlantic and face the committee

"instead of talking via internet satellite, you bastard".

And winning, that's the penguin, he won, he's Mayor of London.

LAUGHTER

Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?

It is!

Who was the bride?

Nick.

Well, we know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?

APPLAUSE

No, this is the elections.

And it didn't go very well for the coalition.

We saw Professor Pongu there, in Edinburgh.

He beat the Lib Dem candidate.

He did.

A penguin got more votes...

There's already a whiff of scandal. There is a belief that perhaps there might be a man inside this penguin.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

..narrowly won a second term in London.

Every inch the statesman, there he is.

What's his, um...

What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?

He's actually put them on the wrong way round.

Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?

So after their dismal election showing,

where did Cameron and Clegg go?

Dignitas.

Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out in the Queen's Speech this week,

telling the Prime Minister:

And in two years, the Labour leader will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.

It's the G8 summit.

That's Cameron sunning his moobs.

LAUGHTER

Where was the real talking done?

Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?

-You see? On a treadmill.

-On a treadmill, was it?

-On a running machine.

-That's pathetic.

Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor.

How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?

He is accused of chillaxing too much.

Chillaxing is a horrible word,

it's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.

And anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So what solution to the Euro crisis

is being urged by Britain, the United States,

and, indeed, George Soros?

Watch the football instead.

Well, it's pretty much that Germany should take over the whole of Europe,

except Britain, and just tell everyone what to do.

George Soros has put it like this, he said:

I can't believe no-one thought of this before!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's perfect, isn't it?

They must have been high-fiving each other in that meeting.

What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?

-Watching the football.

-Yeah.

And here they are, watching the first shoot-out

that Obama watched live on TV.

Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out...

On the subject of the Champions' League final, did anyone notice

what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did after the final whistle?

Yes, he got into his kit, didn't he, and he celebrated with everyone else.

He'd been suspended...to be fair,

he's got used to getting changed very quickly,

usually when he hears a key in the front door.

"Honey, I'm home!"

Exactly. So he took credit for something he hadn't done.

Yes, many people thought John Terry was intruding

on somebody else's great moment,

and some people on the internet did this.

On the subject of faked images,

did anybody see the Romanian TV presenter

who tried to fake a sandstorm?

-No!

-No.

The man was reporting on a sandstorm, missed the sandstorm, and here's what happened.

MAN SPEAKS ROMANIAN

LAUGHTER

This is the G8 meeting.

In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:

That's what you need in a crisis - a mad Scotsman shouting,

"We cannae take it any longer, captain!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the American election, and Barack Obama has won convincingly.

That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone because he's a Communist.

LAUGHTER

Why is it that of all the people that seem to run for President,

there's always one of them that's a complete dodo. What's going on?

I mean, even his name - Mitt.

Mitt?! What sort of name is that?

What's it short for, Mitthew? I mean, what is it?

"Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child. What are you going to call him?"

-"We're going to call him Mitt!"

-LAUGHTER

"Why?"

There was this widely distributed image.

Um...

There were some technical issues with voting machines.

Did anyone see that story?

There was a voting machine

where a person kept pressing the button for Obama,

and the machine kept registering Romney.

-Ooh.

-That's absolutely right.

It's magic.

And he still lost.

Yeah.

These things are harder to fix than you think.

That's an appalling accusation!

Romney admitted having strapped his dog to the top of a car

for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario.

Nigel, pretty far, or pretty standard right-wing nutjob stuff?

And then his wife's plane was forced to land

after smoke was detected, and he told the press:

Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,

described their struggle with poverty

as a young married Mormon couple:

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Times reminded its readers

of the party symbols of the Republicans and the Democrats -

the elephant and the donkey.

Representing both the weight and the intelligence

of the average American voter.

I'm glad the BBC's asked this question.

Presumably, this will be cut and shown on ITV in three weeks' time.

It's a brilliant disguise. You dress up as a paedophile.

The thing I think is a bit sad is all these people

at home who have Jim'll Fix It badges,

you know, and they've had that little memory of their childhood

just completely wiped.

I think we should get all those badges -

this is something Twitter would be good for -

get all those badges and melt them down

and turn them into a giant stake and drive it through his grave.

You know?

Did you see how uncooperative Jeremy Paxman was this week? Look at this.

Mr Paxman, have you got any comments about the Newsnight investigation?

No, have you?

Moving on, which other much-loved and respected

TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished

by a new investigation?

Pudsey.

It's Piers Morgan, isn't it?

Yes. What is the story?

Well...

It looked for a while as though only News International

were going to get blamed for phone hacking, but now,

would you believe it, someone's taken a civil action

against the Mirror Group, four people.

And the editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan...

..who is innocent.

He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.

Yes, though, amusingly,

most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography.

What does Jeremy Paxman have to say about Piers?

-Tell us.

-Do you remember that?

He told the Leveson Inquiry that over a lunch at the Mirror in 2002,

Piers Morgan explained that Paxman would be a fool

not to have his own security setting on his mobile voicemail.

Piers Morgan laughed this off,

and said he can't remember any of the details.

To be fair, he has a very patchy memory. In the Daily Mail,

he said of Jimmy Savile:

Yet in an extract from Piers' book,

also printed in the Daily Mail in 2009, he said:

Ah, yes, it's...

It's about breeding. About breeding. Babies, yes.

Well, it's the coverage, isn't it? What happened was, a passer-by gave him a miniature babygro,

and that was a few days before the baby was announced.

-Oh, you're melting with sweetness!

-LAUGHTER

Actually, I'm melting with suppressed nausea.

And now we've got nine months of Nicholas Witchell...

..telling us how she feels.

And The Telegraph joined in with the speculation-fest.

Tuesday's front page asked:

The Telegraph was so interested in whether it was twins or not,

there was a letter saying, "If it's twins and it's a caesarean,

"the surgeon will decide who becomes king or queen."

-Or bring them out simultaneously...

-Possibly.

-..and have a coalition monarchy.

-Oh, wow!

Yes!

What might the baby look like? Any ideas? Do you think like the parents?

Either the parents or indeed a close friend of the family.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-There's precedent, you know.

This is what The Sun thinks it'll look like.

Ohh!

My God, they'd kill it at birth if it looks like that.

I thought The Omen was fiction.

The baby will take its place in the line of succession

whether male or female.

This met with widespread approval in the papers.

For example, one royal commentator said:

That was Nicole, 20, from Bournemouth.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting...

to be hassled by the paparazzi even more than she was before.

A buzzing Prince Harry cracked open a jeroboam of vintage champagne

at eight in the morning.

And then heard the news that Kate was pregnant.

Round the back of a beautician's in Knightsbridge,

there's evidence that Rebekah Brooks

celebrated her multi-million pound payoff with a bikini wax.

In China, responding to international pressure,

Apple grudgingly allow their iPad factory workers out

for a five-minute tea break.

And as they rehearse for the Olympic opening ceremony,

London's top dance troupe regrets agreeing to find a place

for Seb Coe's Auntie Jean.

So now we're in Round Two!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

And I'm going to give you musical clues to these stories.

And this is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. See?

I appeal to the masses and not to the intelligentsia.

MUSIC INTRO: "God Save The Queen" by The Sex Pistols

God save the Queen.

LAUGHTER

The fascist regime.

They made you a moron.

Potential H-bomb.

Anybody got any ideas?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

-Other than throwing me out!

-APPLAUSE

Is it The Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?

LAUGHTER

Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted

from a royal-themed tea room

-for refusing to stand up during the national anthem.

-Oh, yes.

Who owns the tea room?

A mad lady.

It's Anita Atkinson,

whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.

LAUGHTER

At 3pm every day:

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's nice and respectful, yeah.

Is there anything else about the tea room

-that the ejected pensioneers disliked apart from...

-Pensioneers?

That's a good word!

That makes them sound more get up and go, doesn't it?

"Yeah, I'm a pensioneer."

You could say pensioner...

but it has such a common sound.

-No, I love it.

-And you want pensioneer, like pioneer.

-The Pensioneers!

Pioneers, exactly. People who go out and get those...

-And rest.

-..winter fuel allowances.

-Yeah.

And say, "One for all and all for...sorry, hang on, I've forgotten what I came in for."

You people are messed up!

And I say that coming from a country

that brought you the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.

BUZZER

Yeah, this is a really serious story, actually,

and I think it should be treated with a great amount of seriousness,

that the boy band One Direction, on a visit to, I believe it was Australia,

held a koala.

That's not the serious part of it.

The koala urinated...

SHE LAUGHS

..on One Direction.

In one direction or on One Direction?

In all directions on One Direction.

They were then told the quite frankly shocking statistic that 80%,

that's 80%, of koalas have chlamydia.

There is therefore a real and present danger that One Direction...

..top boy band, will have contracted...

SHE LAUGHS

..chlamydia from a koala.

LAUGHTER

Is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

The incident took place during a photo session.

Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle the dopey but cute-looking creatures,

the koalas said, "Yeah, why not?"

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

That's a waxwork.

-It's the world's worst wax museum, the Louis Tussaud's...

-Ah, Louis.

..House of Wax in Great Yarmouth. It's facing closure.

-Shall we have a look at some of their other work?

-Yes, please.

-Yes.

First of all, who's this?

Michael Jackson, obviously.

No, it isn't, that's Edwina Currie.

LAUGHTER

Paul, you're right. Next one?

-Is that Ian Botham?

-Ooh, you're on fire!

I'm startled by your ability to do this.

Yeah, I'm rather startled myself, actually.

That's just the dude at reception.

LAUGHTER

Daley Thompson.

-It is actually Daley Thompson.

-Oh, is it?

I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are.

You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just...

BELL RINGS

Neanderthal man.

-George Best.

-Yes, correct.

-Ah...

-George Best?!

-BELL RINGS

-Next...

-Tom Cruise.

-I can see who's behind him, is that...

-Noel Edmonds!

I'll give you a clue.

-I will give you a clue.

-Yeah.

The person in that picture looks absolutely nothing like the person whose name appears on my list.

Is it the Dalai Lama?

It's Jim Davidson.

One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:

Which, coincidentally, is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Jesus, Rothko's Black on Maroon, Vladimir Putin and Richard III.

Richard III's just been dug up.

-Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.

-Yeah.

Er...Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.

LAUGHTER

The Rothko's been defaced.

-Yeah.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, go on.

They've all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,

which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer

in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.

REPORTER: This is how Christ was depicted originally...

And this as he looks now after a DIY restoration.

Now, King Richard III's portrait

was painted over during the reign of the Tudors.

And why has he been in the news recently?

-Cos they found his remains under a car park in Leicester, was it?

-That's right.

So he's not just been painted over, he's been tarmacked over.

LAUGHTER

They have all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

One supporter of Pussy Riot is former world chess champion,

Garry Kasparov, who outside the court was attacked

by members of the Russian Orthodox Church.

He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Orson Welles, Dawn French,

Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.

Is Antony Worrall Thompson ever not the odd man out?

Is it fancy dress?

-Mm-hmm?

-There's definitely a picture

-of Conrad Black dressed...is it Cardinal Richelieu?

-It is.

You must have been so sorry you wore that costume.

It was the only one left.

And it wasn't Richelieu, by the way.

I was just an ordinary cardinal, and my wife didn't even have a costume.

She put a lot of petticoats under something she had

-and came as a barmaid.

-Shall we have a quick look at the pair of you?

When you say your wife didn't have a costume...

So who's the odd one out?

Orson Welles appeared as Cardinal Richelieu in a film,

and Dawn French has appeared as a vicar. So she's the odd one out

because the others have appeared as a cardinal in some shape or form.

Spot on, yep. That is right.

Orson Welles was in the 1966 film version of A Man For All Seasons.

He played the part of Cardinal Wolsey.

Can anyone think of another role Orson Welles played in his career?

-Citizen Kane.

-Citizen Kane?

-Yes.

He played Charles Foster Kane,

a power-crazed multimillionaire newspaper tycoon

who faces a humiliating demise on account of his own greed.

Not humiliating, no, not humiliating.

Antony Worrall Thompson has dressed as a cardinal

to mark the launch of the national Save The Cauliflower campaign,

which explains why he nicked all that cheddar.

He just loves cauliflower cheese.

Why's he dressed as a cardinal?

He couldn't get a cauliflower costume.

Yes, they have all dressed as a cardinal except Dawn French,

who dressed as a vicar. At the end of every episode,

the vicar of Dibley told a joke to her friend Alice,

who never, ever laughed, though to be fair to Alice,

by the end of The Vicar Of Dibley, she wasn't alone.

Here is Antony Worrall Thompson dressed as a cardinal.

If you think he looks embarrassed there, imagine how he felt

when they took that hat off and found an Edam.

Here is Conrad, dressed as a cardinal,

on his way to becoming Pope Innocent the Not.

Right, time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

Cat Fancy.

Or as I call it, The Spinster.

And we start with:

Something 10 foot away?

Boris Johnson.

Says lonely widow.

Who's increased the security on her front door.

She's boarded up the cat flap,

which isn't a euphemism.

The answer is:

Yes, according to Cat Fancy,

there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats,

the main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.

Next:

Dementia.

Is it "flirted with Velcro"?

APPLAUSE

No, the answer is "picked up a stud or two."

Next:

Says "Piss off, Jesus".

Blasphemous pineapple says "Bollocks to the Pope". I don't know.

Blasphemous pineapple converts to Methodism.

-Quite close.

-Quite close?!

The answer is:

Members of Reading University's Atheist Society

were thrown out of a freshers' fair

because they displayed a pineapple called Mohammed on their stall.

The incident provoked strong debate on both sides.

..said a banana called Malcolm.

Next:

Photograph of himself holding a carrot.

Dirty devil!

"Sends donkey an ill-fitting dress."

More surreal than that.

A fitting dress. A well-fitting dress.

"Djokovic sends donkey cheese market wonky."

Oh, now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...

This is the story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,

has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.

Make of that what you will.

I would make maybe a souffle?

LAUGHTER

It'd be a big souffle.

Yeah. APPLAUSE

Huge.

Next:

-Didn't you run the Department of Agriculture for a while?

-Exactly.

Five and a half years in agriculture,

and I absolutely loved it.

I really did.

And I'm very keen on a new charity that has been formed

to try and help young farmers starting up in a very cold world.

Does that fit in that gap?

The answer is:

This is a new craze, which began in Newcastle

in which people buy milk,

then tip it over their heads for no reason whatsoever.

Let's have a look.

-Milk.

-Milk.

-How funny. Good Lord.

All over their heads.

The next thing, they'll be doing it in Trafalgar Square.

Baroness T, have you ever milked?

Mind your own business.

My father had a goat.

And he used to milk it.

Never touch a billy goat, because you can never get the smell off you.

Why would you be attempting to milk a billy goat?

People do make mistakes.

Regained India.

The day the Queen threw a tantrum,

and tipped a pot of ink over her own head.

But only because she had run out of stamps,

and so she had to slam her head against the envelope.

LAUGHTER

Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

Bam!

"Mail this!"

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Oh, it's a freeze frame.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Thank you very much.

"David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he likes it."

LAUGHTER

And I leave you with news that in central London,

Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."

Olympic organisers admit it was a mistake to allow official sponsors,

John West, to design the media centre.

And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,

rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work -

"Clegg and Cameron: The Coalition."

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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