Christmas Special Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

In the news this week - as austerity begins to bite,

one old lady stops by to check on her bank balance.

As the inquiry into inappropriate behaviour at the BBC

reaches Blue Peter,

one star from the '70s issues a strenuous denial.

DOG BARKS

It has been years in the creation,

but at long last Amstrad unveil their answer to Apple's MacBook Air.

And in the week of his pre-Budget announcement,

there is more bad news for George Osborne,

as it emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.

With Ian is a comedian who I insisted was on the show,

because he's very funny,

but mainly because he makes me look tall. Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul, is one of the few former Radio One DJs

that we're comfortable having on the show, please welcome Sara Cox.

APPLAUSE Can I, um...can I just say...

um, I'm...I'm not actually former

unless you know something that I don't.

In which case, it's pretty cruel telling me like this, Daniel.

-I'm sorry, this is how we're breaking it to you.

-OK, fine.

We start with the biggest stories of the week,

Ian and Andy, take a look at this.

Andrew Mitchell, the former chief whip, caught on CCTV.

-Yep. It's a controversy about... Oh.

-Oh, hello, hate mail.

..PC Pleb And Proud, of the Hampshire Pleb And Proud.

And that's Michael Crick,

the reporter who's got to the heart of this story.

-What is the heart of this story?

-The heart...

It's Christmas panto.

The heart of the story is that everyone thought

that the bad person here was the chief whip, Andrew Mitchell,

but it may be that it's the police themselves.

-Ooh-ooh!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh-ooh!

Thank you, I said it was panto!

That's sort of how these stories run now.

I don't think the police would behave like that.

What do you think, boys and girls?

-Oh, no, they wouldn't!

-AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

-They wouldn't fake a police log?

-AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

Yes, I think they would.

Would they have it in for the chief whip

because he was trying to impose odd terms and conditions on them?

AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

-Are we doing the whole show like this?

-Yeah.

Are you easily manipulated?

AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, we are!

Some more than others though.

That's the programme done, let's all head to the pub.

Works better this way.

I'm very angry about this story because it's making me feel sorry

for Andrew Mitchell, and that's a feeling I don't like.

I like this story cos it's the first one I've ever seen

where a policeman

is accused of impersonating a member of the public.

You know, a lot of police misconduct is down to boredom.

If you're a policeman, your job is to stand by a gate.

It's getting towards the end of the day,

you see the one with the short temper coming towards you.

He's pushing his bike, so you say, "Oh, sorry, Mr Mitchell,

"this gate is only for disabled unicorns now."

You can't come through here, you know.

And then, as he goes off, "Sorry, Mr Mitchell, what's that?

"Can you talk more slowly,

"so it can all be written down by a pretend tourist over there."

Yeah, but I mean, you do have to remember

that this is the first government for a good 20 years

that's tried to reform the police.

It has tried to cut pay and wastage.

There's been a report into the police

by this man called Tom Winsor, and they don't like it.

And the Police Federation is quite seriously...

If you think, you know, there are dark forces at work in his world,

you should try the Police Federation.

-You've just compared the head of the Police Federation to Voldemort!

-Yep.

The chief of the Met's in a very difficult...

-Was it Hogan-Howe?

-Hogan-Howe.

-'70s cop.

-He's in a very difficult situation.

Cos the eyewitness who was a member of the public,

was neither a member of the public, nor an eyewitness.

But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true.

Yeah. The small detail of him not having been there is the problem.

We thought we'd try a little experiment here.

Paul, if I could give these to you. We're going to watch the footage.

-And I'm going to play Andrew Mitchell.

-OK.

-You're going to play the policeman.

-Can we play shocked tourists?

-Yes! And if you...

-We won't speak, we'll just do extra's acting.

-Good, good.

-Can I be the cat? Have they still got a cat at Downing St?

I just want to get involved. I'll just sit and maybe... Miaow!

All right.

Let's see if we can make the alleged conversation fit with the pictures.

Can I exit through the main gate, Officer?

Sorry, Sir, cycles have to exit at the side pedestrian gate.

Sorry, Officer, I am the chief whip

and I always exit through the main gate.

It is the policy for us to open the side pedestrian gate

and I'll be more than happy to open this for you,

no officer present can open the main gate,

as this is the policy we have been directed to follow.

No! I am the chief whip!

I am the chief whip, open the main gate!

I am more than happy to open the side pedestrian gate for you, Sir,

but it is policy that we are not to allow cycles

through the main vehicle entrance.

I'm not exiting through the pedestrian gate!

Come along now, there's a good gentleman.

-Best you learn your

-BLEEP

-place, you don't run this

-BLEEP

-government,

-you

-BLEEP

-plebs.

You've got a point there, Sir, I agree with you.

APPLAUSE

It's dangerous as well cos that's a really busy road,

so that could've been like, "You'll see..."

Ian, you're quite informed, can you explain to me...

Oh, no, he isn't!

Nobody thought he was, they didn't want to...

Can you explain why all inquiries seem to take so long?

-Um, yes.

-And why they're always so expensive?

Um, because there are lawyers involved,

um, and lawyers have to take a long time,

because they're paid by the hour.

Good, thank you for clearing that up for me.

Just give two minutes to Eric Pickles

who is by all accounts totally in touch with...his briefs.

Um, what is his latest forward-thrusting initiative?

It's not the council tax thing?

-He actually has written a book.

-Eric Pickles has written a book?!

Yeah. You know what it's about?

Is it My Early Struggle?

A celeb autobiography.

My Anorexic Hell?

He's actually four blokes in one suit.

Um, yes.

It's a book called 50 Ways To Save

and it has tips for local councils on how to save or make money

including opening a shop in your office. Yes, um...

He has already done this.

-Yeah.

-What does his shop sell?

-Biscuits.

-There you go! No, it doesn't.

-Pies.

-No, no pies, unfortunately.

Is it a blacksmith's?

-Shoe a horse.

-He sells...

He's a government minister, what's he doing selling socks and shirts

in his... Am I missing something?

Who would like to see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson

about population statistics.

-Yes, please(!)

-It's more interesting than it sounds.

Since I've been Mayor Of London, in the last four years,

the city seems to have acquired another 600,000 people.

-I'm not saying it is all down to you...

-Down to me!

-Yes, this...

-That's a bit rich coming from Boris, isn't it?

At least a couple of hundred thousand are his.

What are you inferring, Sir? The reason why he's got a bike?

Yes, this the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins,

Britain's least-popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell.

The Sun reported the latest developments

over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade,

but his defence seems trivial

compared to another MP's callous incitement to violence.

According to the police log, Andrew Mitchell told officers...

Coincidently, what David Cameron wrote

in Nick Clegg's Christmas card.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Sara, take a look at this.

There we are, David Cameron and the aforementioned Queen,

she's the first monarch to attend the cabinet meeting

since about 1787, or something like that.

You can see she's absolutely thrilled to be there.

You know that brooch actually squirts water.

Watch, in a minute you'll see.

Well, I think her standard phrase doesn't work with the Cabinet.

"And what do you do?" "I don't know."

"What do you do?" "Don't know."

-And they gave her some gifts.

-Some gifts, yeah.

Yeah, 60 place mats with pictures of Buckingham Palace on.

No coasters, I noticed.

What, just from a tourist shop?

That is obviously what you get the woman who has everything,

Something shit!

She'd want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her own.

Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she forgets.

And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica,

but she wasn't impressed because they didn't even wrap it.

We do have also the team photo to show you

that was taken of the Queen, and her Cabinet.

They're all having a fantastic time.

And then just in the top right-hand corner, there,

we have John Terry, I think.

Do you know what the Queen said during the meeting?

This is hell, get me out of here.

Well, is this from...? When they took the photo, apparently,

she said, "You are allowed to smile." And that brought the house down.

-Right.

-This is why Prince Philip thinks that every joke he's ever said

is hilarious.

Cos nobody ever says, "Actually, that's a crap joke, Your Majesty."

-Did she wish them all a happy Christmas?

-She did indeed.

You're absolutely right. That was one of the things she said.

And then the other thing she said...

I'm glad they put that in quotes,

is that one of the quotes of the year?

No-one else could have said that.

-Didn't she say something about going to the bank?

-Yes.

She made a joke to George Osborne...

-Saying you haven't got any money left.

-Pretty much.

Why have we got subtitles? It's not The Killing, is it?

I think most of us can get that.

-IMITATES QUEEN:

-"Oh, have we got any gold bars?"

Is she the mystery guest?

There's a bit of a pattern developing,

if you look at her last few weeks, right?

She went to the Bank Of England, saw where they keep the gold.

She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.

She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases.

Clearly, she's planning a coup.

What, to become head of state?

Yeah, yeah.

Since it's Christmas, who would like to see the UN Secretary General,

Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song?

# I'm making a list

# Checking it twice

# Going to find who's gonna...

# Going to find out who's...

# Naughty or nice

# Ban Ki Moon is coming to town! #

APPLAUSE

If that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.

Can you imagine how bad the dictators feel?

"Oh, no, have I been naughty this year?"

ANDY: I just spotted Iain Duncan Smith in the corner doing something,

it's like he's doing a sort of Leslie Phillips impression or something

-in the corner, with his...

-He's feeling his neck.

-What's that about?

SARA: There's one behind him doing it as well.

Maybe there's just a swarm of something.

"We don't want to create a fuss, the Queen's here,

"but I'm being bitten by something tropical and..."

It's like everywhere she goes, she's surrounded by locusts

and we're not allowed to mention it.

Everybody's going, "Lovely to meet you. (What was that?!)"

And the one on the end on the middle row,

I think that maybe the Queen's got nits cos look,

he's, um...he's having a bit of a...

SARA: Kirsty Allsopp's all right though at the back, there.

She's fine, she's always popping up.

This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street.

The Queen's name was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica -

cold, remote and shrinking by the year, the Queen is 86.

Ian and Andy here is another one for you.

-The building with a hole in it.

-The BBC.

And that's the chairman of the BBC Trust,

introducing today's director general.

This is the BBC looking into itself.

-It is.

-The Beeb got absolutely slammed

for not broadcasting a story about a paedophile,

and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a paedophile.

Which is a pity. Um...

cos if they'd done it the other way round, we'd all be saying,

"How brilliant!"

When you put it like that, it doesn't seem so bad, does it?

So, no-one's been fired, but the deputy head of news has resigned.

Yes, Steven Mitchell and the BBC have said he gets to...

And then you get out and stay out! Um...

This is a slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten,

had to say as the report was released.

-REPORTER:

-Do you think he is honest, dishonest,

do you think he has further questions to answer?

And when did I stop beating my wife?

Is that real?

I don't know if that's him telling us that he has done that or...

I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.

-Right.

-His wife might have been watching

and might have got confused and thought, "Does he?"

The only man to lose his job, George Entwistle,

what has he said about the report?

-It's exonerated him.

-Yes, completely.

I mean, the big question was whether they didn't put out the Newsnight

in order to put out tributes to lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas.

And a lot of journalists and cynical people

thought they ditched the investigation

so they could put out a lovely light-ent, "Isn't Jimmy wonderful?"

but the report said that isn't true.

Yes, George Entwistle has said...

Although Entwistle is still facing an inquiry

as to why he did allow the continued broadcast of The One Show.

He made it very clear that he told Helen Boaden

and two other BBC executives...

I can't work out what that means

and I managed to get into The Chamber Of Secrets when I was 12.

So nothing really happened at the end of this report.

-But how much did it cost?

-£2 million.

-Yes.

Which you could have fired four Entwistles for.

I worked at the BBC... from 1976 I started,

and I can tell you it was a hot bed of boorish,

sexist, misogyny,

just like the Post Office, where I worked in '75

and Harrods where I worked in '74.

And you don't need an inquiry

to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,

just watch an episode of On The Buses.

It strikes me, the three institutions you've mentioned,

you've worked in all of them, so...

that's odd, isn't it?

After ending relations this week

with the Bureau Of Investigative Journalism

following the McAlpine debacle,

which hard-hitting investigation did Newsnight break this week?

-Oh, I've not been watching Newsnight.

-No, nobody has. Um...

Are they underpaying the elves?

-Father Christmas has questions to answer.

-Mmm.

Newsnight has spent time looking into the onesie. Let's look at it.

REPORTER: The onesie? On Newsnight?

You're laughing now, I mean that metaphorically.

But at least you're forewarned for when you unwrap one next week.

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas... #

-Have you got one?

-A couple.

-Sewn them together?

-Yep.

It's a twosie.

What's the collective noun for more than one onesie?

A multi-sie.

I've always wondered, does anyone know

what you call one hundreds-and-thousands?

-Sorry?

-Cos in America they're called sprinkles...

-Yes.

..but here they're hundreds and thousands,

so what do you call one on its own?

Um... A euro!

On the subject of shameless cover-ups at the BBC,

has anyone else noticed what keeps happening to Andrew Neil's hair?

Yes, it keeps getting set on fire.

-No, it's getting...it's getting darker.

-Yes!

Mysteriously dark for a man of his age.

Um, it keeps changing, here he is.

-And then here he is again.

-Yes.

-SARA: Oh-oh.

And again.

He's like Benjamin Button. And again.

-And finally, last Sunday.

-SARA: Ooh.

It's getting that kind of conker colour, isn't it?

Yeah, that colour called Berlusconi brown.

This is the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded

that the BBC was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard.

Following the Pollard report, the former Newsnight editor,

Peter Rippon, has been moved to new duties,

he has been moved from head of arses to head of elbows.

The revelations have continued to hit the front pages,

and this week included the shocking BBC Bungle Probe.

Not Bungle too.

Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC head of news, Helen Boaden,

to stay in her job.

Paul and Sara, here's another for you.

Yes.

Um... Oh, that's...

Right, um...

Oh, this is a very complicated way

to show the world is going to finish in a...

Blimey, look at that, that's the end of Leamington Spa.

Yeah, the Mayans, I believe,

believed that the world's going to finish tomorrow or today,

if we are going to pretend this is today, it's Friday today.

It's not really, it's Thursday.

But Friday, the world is going to end in about three minutes time.

Which is a nuisance for Ian, cos he's in the lead.

Should we all just...does everyone want to stand up in the audience

and say who they really hate, bosses, in-laws and that,

get it all out now, because the world's going to end anyway.

Or make love. Just make love.

I'm sure if the world was going to end,

the start of that process would have already begun, who knows?

Nobody believes this, the Mayans don't either.

No. Why might it not be correct?

One in ten people are a little bit worried about it.

But it's just a calendar, it's a very long cycle.

Like when it goes from spin to rinse.

Or from April to May.

Anyway, a lot of people have misinterpreted it

and thought the Mayans are very, sort of, deep and prophetic people

so they must know it's the end of the world.

-Have they got other things right before?

-No.

The image of the Mayans is complete...bollocks,

as we archaeologists would say,

cos I've been to... They're all gathering at this place Chichen Itza,

um, this week and I've been there and there's about 30,000 of them

gathering to see this shadow snake down the temple of...

-It's good that bit though.

-..Kukulkan. Yeah, it's impressive.

-Yeah, I saw that.

-But the stone carvings...

We were on holiday together.

We're out now, that's fine.

You wearing that shirt was a bit obvious, I thought.

There was a Mr Liu Qiyuan - I'm definitely saying that wrong -

-who has built something, do you know what?

-An ark. A shelter.

Underground bunker, sort of thing?

It's a sort of...survival pod, I think is what he calls it.

Yes, there it is.

SARA: Is that completely hollow,

cos if it starts rolling he's going to get properly bruised,

if he's just rattling around.

ANDY: Yeah. He's also very reliant on where it rolls

as to whether he can get out or not.

He says it is tsunami proof if you close the door.

But what if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving aliens.

Anyway, NASA has felt obliged to respond to all this bollocks,

sorry speculation.

-They've made a film. They released a four-minute film.

-A film?

-Yes.

A four-minute film called...

And they released it a week early, it begins...

Get a life.

British reaction has been wonderful and British and restrained.

The AA have been issuing advice for motorists.

If the world should end, pull over to the nearest lay-by.

You know what? It's that good. It's really that good.

They said drivers should...

And what did the London Fire Brigade advise?

Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.

During the Cuban Crisis, I was only very young, obviously,

and the night when the crisis peaked and it looked very dangerous,

I was laying in my bed and my dad had just tucked me up

and as he was going out the door, he said,

"Well, just think, we might not be here in the morning, night-night!"

"What?"

But actually, in a way,

that's quite a good attitude to have, isn't it?

He couldn't control Khrushchev or Kennedy, so what do you do?

Just terrify your children.

Yes, this is the end of the world, due to happen any moment now,

or if you are watching the repeat, wha-hey!

This is according...

This is according to the Mayan calendar.

I've not seen it, but I imagine Miss December looks very gloomy.

According to the Guardian...

And knowing China, for those 90 people, it probably will.

And so to Round Two,

Daniel Radcliffe's Jolly Wonderland Of Festive Christmas Tidings.

Here's a lovely winter scene by Bruegel.

-Oh...

-And there are clues to the news stories which he kindly painted in.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

-Oh, no!

-BELL RINGS

Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax?

It's not, this was the news that a Starbucks campaign

to spread the cheer has backfired,

after it was hijacked by Twitter users.

So, next to the Natural History Museum,

Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink,

and you were allowed to text in any message you liked

as long as you put...

It started off quite nicely. Um...

APPLAUSE

-And I don't...

-That one was Oscar Wilde.

I don't think it's worth me reading the next one, but finally...

But that was predictable, wasn't it?

You wouldn't have to be a Mayan to see that coming.

This is the Starbucks Twitter screen at the National History Museum

which was hijacked by tax protestors.

One of the tweets displayed at the Natural History Museum said...

Something they agree with down the road at the HMV & A,

and in New York at the Google-heim.

Fingers on buzzers, here's the next clue.

BELL RINGS

ANDY: This is the norovirus

which is going to make Christmas very toilet-centric.

The yuletide logs of thousands of Britons

will be a bit softer this year.

Apparently, the norovirus has hit 880,000 people so far.

In March of this year,

at my daughter's two-year-old birthday party,

we basically nearly wiped out three generations of our family,

and about three or four classes at the school as well

because everybody left and everybody was ill that evening.

And I triple checked how I cooked the sausages,

cos I thought, "It's the sausages," but luckily, it was norovirus.

The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk away...

And we were doing the traditional northern party game

of Touch The Wall.

Ooh, touch the wall!

And then, you know, it can just stay there,

and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.

The Health Protection Agency has given some advice...

It's odd now that you have to tell public to wash their hands

after they've been to the toilet.

You don't think that should be done in school?

Basically, everything Daniel just read out

comes under the heading of common sense, doesn't it?

-But you're not allowed to have that any more.

-No, no, it's gone.

And I'm a young person, that's why I read it out,

-not recognising it as common sense.

-How very true.

Don't worry, young person.

You will grow wise and old one day!

Sounding a bit like Dumbledore.

Why was Hogwarts never inspected by Ofsted?

Children being eaten by serpents,

Ofsted have questions to answer, I think.

-It's a private school, though.

-Oh, that's true, yes.

It's not much of a title - Harry Potter And The Ofsted Report.

What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea

and someone on board has the norovirus?

Duck.

Throw them overboard.

Just trail a dinghy behind, put all the ill people in the dinghy

with some crisps and that...

and an iPad.

-It'd be all right for a couple of days.

-Yeah.

-You should be a nurse!

-Yes.

I've got that... People say I'm caring like that.

That level of compassion - in a dinghy, crisps.

300 passengers on board P&O's luxury cruise ship the Oriana

were struck down by the bug

leading to it being labelled...

Imagine showing off your photos

when you get back from the plague ship.

Here's Barry and June that we met, they're from Derby.

There's June on her hands and knees.

Barry's rubbing her back and holding her hair back, he was ever so nice.

A lovely couple.

We went to their funeral on Tuesday.

It was a nice day, we had crisps in a dinghy.

She had that same cardigan that she bought in the Bay Of Biscay.

They buried her in it, apparently.

How did these unfortunate puking people react?

At first, completely in an over-the-top dramatic way,

then suspicion entered their eyes.

Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance back,

meeting your eye for a second, then looking towards the distant horizon.

And then, throwing up.

Picture that quick. First bit's romantic and then bleurgh.

Well, yes, they demanded refunds.

You can't have your sick back, I'm sorry, it's ours now.

When the ship returned to port...

-At least we think that's what they said.

-Yeah.

This is the norovirus,

or to put it in terms Harry Potter fans will understand,

from both ends it's expelliarmus.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

SARA: Did a dog eat lots of Christmas lights,

and then when he passed them they were still lit and fine?

As you say, there is a dog that's eaten a lot of Christmas lights,

how did the dog's owner Charlie...? No, sorry, Charlie was the dog,

the dog's owner is Sharon and I'm sorry, Sharon.

How did she find where the missing lights were?

He started flickering. Intermittently.

She took him to the pet hospital after...

She's thorough, isn't she?

Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet,

that's not an X-ray, he's plugged in.

Charlie has been described as a repeat offender.

-What else has he eaten?

-Has he eaten anyone's homework?

-No. My dog genuinely did eat my homework once.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He ate my copy of Just William, which I was supposed to be doing a report on.

And I had to go into school and say, "Really, the dog ate it."

Did the teacher say, "Fantasy again, Potter".

What would they say?

You're not on a film set, now, Dan, all that standard crap.

And I was like, "I know! I'm a lot less happy."

And nobody's getting me coffee.

I know, who are all these other people?

They're so close to me! Um...

APPLAUSE

This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery

after swallowing a string of festive Christmas lights.

As he prepared to face the operation, his owner gave him a hug

and his little face lit up.

After swallowing the Christmas lights,

Charlie was on the critical list,

then he was off, then on, then off again...

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL RINGS

-There's nothing on our monitor.

MAN: It's stuck for a moment.

Can someone go out to Woolies?

ANDY: You don't get one now.

Craftiest bit of theft I've ever seen.

Does he work here? Hang on a minute.

There was nothing wrong with it!

Nobody knows him from Adam, that bloke.

He's just come in. Yeah.

Loads of people.

I should just move, shouldn't I? Sorry.

ANDY: Sara? If there's any inappropriate behaviour...

Hang on, we've got UK Gold on our one now.

Is this the moment when the world ends?

It's one of the first penguins ever to be seen

during the Middle Ages.

Does anybody know whose penguin?

This is a peasant gathering winter fuel, are we going to use penguins?

This is the news that a pub mascot called Elvis

is being held ransom

-in a bid to stop the landlord playing Christmas music.

-Ah.

They left a note saying, "Elvis has left the building."

How did the landlord find out?

He got one of those letters with all the words cut out of newspapers.

-He did!

-Did he?

-Yes. Are you joking? Sorry.

There he is.

SARA: I can't believe we're talking about the abduction of the penguin

and no-one's questioned why a landlord's got a penguin.

Are you just allowed to have a penguin?

I should have made that much clearer,

-it's a fake penguin.

-Oh, right!

He wasn't working behind the bar.

They look like waiters.

Collecting glasses...

Apart from drinkers in Matthews Pub,

who else can't stop listening to Christmas carols?

-People who work in shops.

-True.

-I feel really sorry for them.

Whenever you go in, it's just starting up again.

Spare a thought for the DJs as well.

The only time on Radio 1 when you get to go, "It's quarter to 12.

"Here's Shakin' Stevens."

"That was Shakin' Stevens. Here's Nicki Minaj." The two you'd never...

Who's Nicki Minaj?

One third of Menage A Trois.

Is that the leader of UKIP?

The answer I was looking for is sufferers of Musical Ear Syndrome.

For over a year, 84-year-old Cath Gamester, who we must all feel

very sorry for, has been hearing the same five songs playing on a loop.

Do you want to guess what some of the songs might have been.

Hark The Herald Angels Sing. There are lots of carols.

Little Donkey.

# Little donkey, little donkey

# On a dusty road... #

Next year's number 1.

-I can feel a Facebook page starting.

-What's wrong with this year?

Are you sure she's not... You know those cards that play a song when you

open them, has she not got a couple of them in a cupboard somewhere?

Someone's brought her a carpet that, when you walk on it,

it plays Christmas carols.

Christmas carol carpet. Very popular in Finland.

You see how I lost interest before the end there?

Why can dead people now hear music?

They can't hear, of course, but why can they?

Oh, it's the karaoke coffin.

Yes, a Swedish man is selling coffins with built-in hi-fis.

According to the Mail, this is called the CataCombo.

It costs £18,500 and is aimed at music lovers who don't want

to rest in peace.

You'd be walking through the graveyard early one morning.

That sounds like Bohemian Rhapsody.

Customers can compile their own personal playlist before they die.

They can order whatever food they'll want after they're dead,

the trousers they'll be wearing.

This guy's great. 18,000 quid for this.

This isn't helping with moving on.

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.

We'll have that...bastard!

-Going Underground.

-I did It My Way.

This is the news that a toy penguin has been

kidnapped from a pub as part of a protest at a pub

about their relentless playing of Christmas music.

The green wicker penguin was stolen from outside the rural Gloucester

pub - disappointing for locals as they have nothing left to worship.

It's time for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.

Buzz in when you know the answer.

The Sphinx, Lord Voldemort, my dog and Tycho Brahe.

BUZZER

It's got to be noses as in my dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Well, it's mainly through the mouth, I suppose.

-The Sphinx has no nose.

-How did what's-his-chops lose his nose?

-He lost it in a duel.

-He had it cut off?

-Voldemort never had a nose.

He did have a nose at one point.

-We're going to pick old metal nose at the bottom.

-No, you're wrong.

-Ian?

-Let's go Sphinx.

-It's Voldemort. Course it is.

-I said Voldemort.

-Did you? But you didn't give a reason.

-Yes, I did.

-You gave the wrong reason then. Give a better reason.

I can see why Hermione lost interest.

APPLAUSE

That's unfair.

He's the only one who has a nose.

The others have all lost their noses.

-There you go.

-Yay!

-Ian Hislop, everybody.

They all have no nose apart from Voldemort whose nose is there

but very flat.

It can be a real problem for a dog not to have a nose as in the park,

it's considered impolite to simply stare up another dog's backside.

"Considered impolite."

Who by? Oh, really! What's the matter with you?

According to Wikipedia, Lord Voldemort is the main

villain in the Harry Potter books.

Have they made them into books?

What was the basic story, then?

Uh...

Does it all turn out all right in the end?

-Yeah.

-That's all I wanted to know.

That's good enough for me.

Time for the Missing Words round which this week

features as its guest publication the Powerful Owl newsletter.

Obviously they've got my association with owls.

I once killed an owl with a shovel.

No! Sorry, the Harry Potter thing.

We'll start with...

Mrs Obama.

He's been forced top deny this.

Apparently, this spoof story appeared on a website which

then spread around the world. According to the story,

Tyson visited the same skilled reconstructive surgeon that

Terry Williams used before he became Serena.

GROANING

Blues music badly played by middle class white people.

Irish stereotypes.

..are my only joys in life says the Pope.

This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.

Nemo.

Popularity in Hull.

Yes.

It was owls. The easiest way to spot a powerful owl is to listen

out for their distinctive call of whoo-hoo.

Although they only make this noise if they've had some good news.

Gave me norovirus.

It's "..went to work."

-It's not a big story, is it?

-Well, it's here.

This is the news that more people are working on Christmas Day.

I imagine the head of pixilation on Top Of The Pops 2 hasn't had

a day off for a while.

Flat-faced pullet owl.

This is a man who found £85 down the back of his sofa.

I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred

from the north of England.

Don't do it then.

I have to do it. It's on the autocue, you know what that means.

There is estimated to be £1.61 down the back of the average sofa,

if you live in Hull, what are you waiting for?

Run into the front garden and check!

APPLAUSE

Bad wizard, bad.

And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sara have 7,

and Ian and Andy have 9.

Just before we go there is time for the caption competition.

Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle pump.

Eric Pickles, reincarnated.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Andy Hamilton, Sarah Cox and Paul Merton.

I leave you with news that in a candid moment Ed Miliband

reveals how much he spent on his brother's Christmas present.

A bit of a letdown for Boris Johnson after his secretary

promises him a dirty weekend.

And after a busy year,

George Michael arrives at his sister's house for Christmas!

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Hello, everybody. I'm Harry Potter.

-# I'm Harry Potter... #

-You look like Trotsky.

-What?

-You look like Trotsky.

-I don't look like Trotsky.

-I look like you, mate. Harry Potter! I'm Harry Potter as an OAP.

-Oi, you. Shut up!

How am I going to tell the wife?!