Christmas Special Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Christmas Special

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

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In the news this week - as austerity begins to bite,

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one old lady stops by to check on her bank balance.

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As the inquiry into inappropriate behaviour at the BBC

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reaches Blue Peter,

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one star from the '70s issues a strenuous denial.

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DOG BARKS

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It has been years in the creation,

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but at long last Amstrad unveil their answer to Apple's MacBook Air.

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And in the week of his pre-Budget announcement,

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there is more bad news for George Osborne,

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as it emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.

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With Ian is a comedian who I insisted was on the show,

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because he's very funny,

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but mainly because he makes me look tall. Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul, is one of the few former Radio One DJs

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that we're comfortable having on the show, please welcome Sara Cox.

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APPLAUSE Can I, um...can I just say...

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um, I'm...I'm not actually former

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unless you know something that I don't.

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In which case, it's pretty cruel telling me like this, Daniel.

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-I'm sorry, this is how we're breaking it to you.

-OK, fine.

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We start with the biggest stories of the week,

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Ian and Andy, take a look at this.

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Andrew Mitchell, the former chief whip, caught on CCTV.

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-Yep. It's a controversy about... Oh.

-Oh, hello, hate mail.

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..PC Pleb And Proud, of the Hampshire Pleb And Proud.

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And that's Michael Crick,

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the reporter who's got to the heart of this story.

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-What is the heart of this story?

-The heart...

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It's Christmas panto.

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The heart of the story is that everyone thought

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that the bad person here was the chief whip, Andrew Mitchell,

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but it may be that it's the police themselves.

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-Ooh-ooh!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh-ooh!

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Thank you, I said it was panto!

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That's sort of how these stories run now.

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I don't think the police would behave like that.

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What do you think, boys and girls?

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-Oh, no, they wouldn't!

-AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

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-They wouldn't fake a police log?

-AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

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Yes, I think they would.

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Would they have it in for the chief whip

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because he was trying to impose odd terms and conditions on them?

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AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!

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-Are we doing the whole show like this?

-Yeah.

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Are you easily manipulated?

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AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, we are!

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Some more than others though.

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That's the programme done, let's all head to the pub.

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Works better this way.

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I'm very angry about this story because it's making me feel sorry

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for Andrew Mitchell, and that's a feeling I don't like.

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I like this story cos it's the first one I've ever seen

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where a policeman

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is accused of impersonating a member of the public.

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You know, a lot of police misconduct is down to boredom.

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If you're a policeman, your job is to stand by a gate.

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It's getting towards the end of the day,

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you see the one with the short temper coming towards you.

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He's pushing his bike, so you say, "Oh, sorry, Mr Mitchell,

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"this gate is only for disabled unicorns now."

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You can't come through here, you know.

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And then, as he goes off, "Sorry, Mr Mitchell, what's that?

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"Can you talk more slowly,

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"so it can all be written down by a pretend tourist over there."

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Yeah, but I mean, you do have to remember

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that this is the first government for a good 20 years

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that's tried to reform the police.

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It has tried to cut pay and wastage.

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There's been a report into the police

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by this man called Tom Winsor, and they don't like it.

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And the Police Federation is quite seriously...

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If you think, you know, there are dark forces at work in his world,

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you should try the Police Federation.

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-You've just compared the head of the Police Federation to Voldemort!

-Yep.

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The chief of the Met's in a very difficult...

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-Was it Hogan-Howe?

-Hogan-Howe.

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-'70s cop.

-He's in a very difficult situation.

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Cos the eyewitness who was a member of the public,

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was neither a member of the public, nor an eyewitness.

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But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true.

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Yeah. The small detail of him not having been there is the problem.

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We thought we'd try a little experiment here.

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Paul, if I could give these to you. We're going to watch the footage.

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-And I'm going to play Andrew Mitchell.

-OK.

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-You're going to play the policeman.

-Can we play shocked tourists?

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-Yes! And if you...

-We won't speak, we'll just do extra's acting.

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-Good, good.

-Can I be the cat? Have they still got a cat at Downing St?

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I just want to get involved. I'll just sit and maybe... Miaow!

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All right.

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Let's see if we can make the alleged conversation fit with the pictures.

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Can I exit through the main gate, Officer?

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Sorry, Sir, cycles have to exit at the side pedestrian gate.

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Sorry, Officer, I am the chief whip

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and I always exit through the main gate.

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It is the policy for us to open the side pedestrian gate

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and I'll be more than happy to open this for you,

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no officer present can open the main gate,

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as this is the policy we have been directed to follow.

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No! I am the chief whip!

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I am the chief whip, open the main gate!

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I am more than happy to open the side pedestrian gate for you, Sir,

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but it is policy that we are not to allow cycles

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through the main vehicle entrance.

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I'm not exiting through the pedestrian gate!

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Come along now, there's a good gentleman.

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-Best you learn your

-BLEEP

-place, you don't run this

-BLEEP

-government,

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-you

-BLEEP

-plebs.

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You've got a point there, Sir, I agree with you.

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APPLAUSE

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It's dangerous as well cos that's a really busy road,

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so that could've been like, "You'll see..."

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Ian, you're quite informed, can you explain to me...

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Oh, no, he isn't!

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Nobody thought he was, they didn't want to...

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Can you explain why all inquiries seem to take so long?

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-Um, yes.

-And why they're always so expensive?

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Um, because there are lawyers involved,

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um, and lawyers have to take a long time,

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because they're paid by the hour.

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Good, thank you for clearing that up for me.

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Just give two minutes to Eric Pickles

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who is by all accounts totally in touch with...his briefs.

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Um, what is his latest forward-thrusting initiative?

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It's not the council tax thing?

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-He actually has written a book.

-Eric Pickles has written a book?!

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Yeah. You know what it's about?

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Is it My Early Struggle?

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A celeb autobiography.

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My Anorexic Hell?

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He's actually four blokes in one suit.

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Um, yes.

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It's a book called 50 Ways To Save

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and it has tips for local councils on how to save or make money

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including opening a shop in your office. Yes, um...

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He has already done this.

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-Yeah.

-What does his shop sell?

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-Biscuits.

-There you go! No, it doesn't.

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-Pies.

-No, no pies, unfortunately.

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Is it a blacksmith's?

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-Shoe a horse.

-He sells...

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He's a government minister, what's he doing selling socks and shirts

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in his... Am I missing something?

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Who would like to see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson

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about population statistics.

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-Yes, please(!)

-It's more interesting than it sounds.

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Since I've been Mayor Of London, in the last four years,

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the city seems to have acquired another 600,000 people.

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-I'm not saying it is all down to you...

-Down to me!

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-Yes, this...

-That's a bit rich coming from Boris, isn't it?

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At least a couple of hundred thousand are his.

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What are you inferring, Sir? The reason why he's got a bike?

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Yes, this the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins,

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Britain's least-popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell.

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The Sun reported the latest developments

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over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade,

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but his defence seems trivial

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compared to another MP's callous incitement to violence.

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According to the police log, Andrew Mitchell told officers...

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Coincidently, what David Cameron wrote

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in Nick Clegg's Christmas card.

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Sara, take a look at this.

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There we are, David Cameron and the aforementioned Queen,

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she's the first monarch to attend the cabinet meeting

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since about 1787, or something like that.

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You can see she's absolutely thrilled to be there.

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You know that brooch actually squirts water.

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Watch, in a minute you'll see.

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Well, I think her standard phrase doesn't work with the Cabinet.

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"And what do you do?" "I don't know."

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"What do you do?" "Don't know."

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-And they gave her some gifts.

-Some gifts, yeah.

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Yeah, 60 place mats with pictures of Buckingham Palace on.

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No coasters, I noticed.

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What, just from a tourist shop?

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That is obviously what you get the woman who has everything,

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Something shit!

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She'd want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her own.

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Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she forgets.

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And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica,

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but she wasn't impressed because they didn't even wrap it.

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We do have also the team photo to show you

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that was taken of the Queen, and her Cabinet.

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They're all having a fantastic time.

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And then just in the top right-hand corner, there,

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we have John Terry, I think.

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Do you know what the Queen said during the meeting?

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This is hell, get me out of here.

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Well, is this from...? When they took the photo, apparently,

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she said, "You are allowed to smile." And that brought the house down.

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-Right.

-This is why Prince Philip thinks that every joke he's ever said

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is hilarious.

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Cos nobody ever says, "Actually, that's a crap joke, Your Majesty."

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-Did she wish them all a happy Christmas?

-She did indeed.

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You're absolutely right. That was one of the things she said.

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And then the other thing she said...

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I'm glad they put that in quotes,

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is that one of the quotes of the year?

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No-one else could have said that.

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-Didn't she say something about going to the bank?

-Yes.

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She made a joke to George Osborne...

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-Saying you haven't got any money left.

-Pretty much.

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Why have we got subtitles? It's not The Killing, is it?

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I think most of us can get that.

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-IMITATES QUEEN:

-"Oh, have we got any gold bars?"

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Is she the mystery guest?

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There's a bit of a pattern developing,

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if you look at her last few weeks, right?

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She went to the Bank Of England, saw where they keep the gold.

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She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.

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She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases.

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Clearly, she's planning a coup.

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What, to become head of state?

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Yeah, yeah.

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Since it's Christmas, who would like to see the UN Secretary General,

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Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song?

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# I'm making a list

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# Checking it twice

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# Going to find who's gonna...

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# Going to find out who's...

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# Naughty or nice

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# Ban Ki Moon is coming to town! #

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APPLAUSE

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If that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.

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Can you imagine how bad the dictators feel?

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"Oh, no, have I been naughty this year?"

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ANDY: I just spotted Iain Duncan Smith in the corner doing something,

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it's like he's doing a sort of Leslie Phillips impression or something

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-in the corner, with his...

-He's feeling his neck.

-What's that about?

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SARA: There's one behind him doing it as well.

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Maybe there's just a swarm of something.

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"We don't want to create a fuss, the Queen's here,

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"but I'm being bitten by something tropical and..."

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It's like everywhere she goes, she's surrounded by locusts

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and we're not allowed to mention it.

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Everybody's going, "Lovely to meet you. (What was that?!)"

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And the one on the end on the middle row,

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I think that maybe the Queen's got nits cos look,

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he's, um...he's having a bit of a...

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SARA: Kirsty Allsopp's all right though at the back, there.

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She's fine, she's always popping up.

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This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street.

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The Queen's name was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica -

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cold, remote and shrinking by the year, the Queen is 86.

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Ian and Andy here is another one for you.

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-The building with a hole in it.

-The BBC.

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And that's the chairman of the BBC Trust,

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introducing today's director general.

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This is the BBC looking into itself.

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-It is.

-The Beeb got absolutely slammed

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for not broadcasting a story about a paedophile,

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and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a paedophile.

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Which is a pity. Um...

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cos if they'd done it the other way round, we'd all be saying,

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"How brilliant!"

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When you put it like that, it doesn't seem so bad, does it?

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So, no-one's been fired, but the deputy head of news has resigned.

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Yes, Steven Mitchell and the BBC have said he gets to...

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And then you get out and stay out! Um...

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This is a slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten,

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had to say as the report was released.

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-REPORTER:

-Do you think he is honest, dishonest,

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do you think he has further questions to answer?

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And when did I stop beating my wife?

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Is that real?

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I don't know if that's him telling us that he has done that or...

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I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.

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-Right.

-His wife might have been watching

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and might have got confused and thought, "Does he?"

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The only man to lose his job, George Entwistle,

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what has he said about the report?

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-It's exonerated him.

-Yes, completely.

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I mean, the big question was whether they didn't put out the Newsnight

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in order to put out tributes to lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas.

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And a lot of journalists and cynical people

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thought they ditched the investigation

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so they could put out a lovely light-ent, "Isn't Jimmy wonderful?"

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but the report said that isn't true.

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Yes, George Entwistle has said...

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Although Entwistle is still facing an inquiry

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as to why he did allow the continued broadcast of The One Show.

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He made it very clear that he told Helen Boaden

0:15:210:15:23

and two other BBC executives...

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I can't work out what that means

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and I managed to get into The Chamber Of Secrets when I was 12.

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So nothing really happened at the end of this report.

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-But how much did it cost?

-£2 million.

-Yes.

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Which you could have fired four Entwistles for.

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I worked at the BBC... from 1976 I started,

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and I can tell you it was a hot bed of boorish,

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sexist, misogyny,

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just like the Post Office, where I worked in '75

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and Harrods where I worked in '74.

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And you don't need an inquiry

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to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,

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just watch an episode of On The Buses.

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It strikes me, the three institutions you've mentioned,

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you've worked in all of them, so...

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that's odd, isn't it?

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After ending relations this week

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with the Bureau Of Investigative Journalism

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following the McAlpine debacle,

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which hard-hitting investigation did Newsnight break this week?

0:16:270:16:30

-Oh, I've not been watching Newsnight.

-No, nobody has. Um...

0:16:300:16:34

Are they underpaying the elves?

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-Father Christmas has questions to answer.

-Mmm.

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Newsnight has spent time looking into the onesie. Let's look at it.

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REPORTER: The onesie? On Newsnight?

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You're laughing now, I mean that metaphorically.

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But at least you're forewarned for when you unwrap one next week.

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# Have yourself a merry little Christmas... #

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-Have you got one?

-A couple.

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-Sewn them together?

-Yep.

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It's a twosie.

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What's the collective noun for more than one onesie?

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A multi-sie.

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I've always wondered, does anyone know

0:17:210:17:23

what you call one hundreds-and-thousands?

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-Sorry?

-Cos in America they're called sprinkles...

-Yes.

0:17:270:17:30

..but here they're hundreds and thousands,

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so what do you call one on its own?

0:17:320:17:33

Um... A euro!

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On the subject of shameless cover-ups at the BBC,

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has anyone else noticed what keeps happening to Andrew Neil's hair?

0:17:390:17:42

Yes, it keeps getting set on fire.

0:17:420:17:44

-No, it's getting...it's getting darker.

-Yes!

0:17:450:17:48

Mysteriously dark for a man of his age.

0:17:480:17:50

Um, it keeps changing, here he is.

0:17:500:17:52

-And then here he is again.

-Yes.

-SARA: Oh-oh.

0:17:520:17:55

And again.

0:17:550:17:57

He's like Benjamin Button. And again.

0:17:570:17:59

-And finally, last Sunday.

-SARA: Ooh.

0:18:010:18:04

It's getting that kind of conker colour, isn't it?

0:18:040:18:08

Yeah, that colour called Berlusconi brown.

0:18:080:18:10

This is the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded

0:18:110:18:14

that the BBC was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard.

0:18:140:18:18

Following the Pollard report, the former Newsnight editor,

0:18:210:18:24

Peter Rippon, has been moved to new duties,

0:18:240:18:26

he has been moved from head of arses to head of elbows.

0:18:260:18:28

The revelations have continued to hit the front pages,

0:18:310:18:34

and this week included the shocking BBC Bungle Probe.

0:18:340:18:37

Not Bungle too.

0:18:370:18:38

Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC head of news, Helen Boaden,

0:18:430:18:46

to stay in her job.

0:18:460:18:48

Paul and Sara, here's another for you.

0:18:490:18:52

Yes.

0:18:520:18:53

Um... Oh, that's...

0:18:530:18:56

Right, um...

0:18:560:18:57

Oh, this is a very complicated way

0:18:570:18:59

to show the world is going to finish in a...

0:18:590:19:01

Blimey, look at that, that's the end of Leamington Spa.

0:19:010:19:04

Yeah, the Mayans, I believe,

0:19:050:19:07

believed that the world's going to finish tomorrow or today,

0:19:070:19:10

if we are going to pretend this is today, it's Friday today.

0:19:100:19:13

It's not really, it's Thursday.

0:19:130:19:14

But Friday, the world is going to end in about three minutes time.

0:19:140:19:18

Which is a nuisance for Ian, cos he's in the lead.

0:19:180:19:21

Should we all just...does everyone want to stand up in the audience

0:19:210:19:25

and say who they really hate, bosses, in-laws and that,

0:19:250:19:28

get it all out now, because the world's going to end anyway.

0:19:280:19:31

Or make love. Just make love.

0:19:310:19:33

I'm sure if the world was going to end,

0:19:330:19:35

the start of that process would have already begun, who knows?

0:19:350:19:38

Nobody believes this, the Mayans don't either.

0:19:380:19:41

No. Why might it not be correct?

0:19:410:19:43

One in ten people are a little bit worried about it.

0:19:430:19:46

But it's just a calendar, it's a very long cycle.

0:19:460:19:48

Like when it goes from spin to rinse.

0:19:480:19:50

Or from April to May.

0:19:550:19:58

Anyway, a lot of people have misinterpreted it

0:19:580:20:01

and thought the Mayans are very, sort of, deep and prophetic people

0:20:010:20:05

so they must know it's the end of the world.

0:20:050:20:08

-Have they got other things right before?

-No.

0:20:080:20:10

The image of the Mayans is complete...bollocks,

0:20:100:20:14

as we archaeologists would say,

0:20:140:20:16

cos I've been to... They're all gathering at this place Chichen Itza,

0:20:160:20:19

um, this week and I've been there and there's about 30,000 of them

0:20:190:20:22

gathering to see this shadow snake down the temple of...

0:20:220:20:26

-It's good that bit though.

-..Kukulkan. Yeah, it's impressive.

0:20:260:20:29

-Yeah, I saw that.

-But the stone carvings...

0:20:290:20:31

We were on holiday together.

0:20:310:20:33

We're out now, that's fine.

0:20:340:20:36

You wearing that shirt was a bit obvious, I thought.

0:20:360:20:39

There was a Mr Liu Qiyuan - I'm definitely saying that wrong -

0:20:400:20:43

-who has built something, do you know what?

-An ark. A shelter.

0:20:430:20:47

Underground bunker, sort of thing?

0:20:470:20:48

It's a sort of...survival pod, I think is what he calls it.

0:20:480:20:51

Yes, there it is.

0:20:510:20:53

SARA: Is that completely hollow,

0:20:530:20:55

cos if it starts rolling he's going to get properly bruised,

0:20:550:20:58

if he's just rattling around.

0:20:580:21:00

ANDY: Yeah. He's also very reliant on where it rolls

0:21:000:21:03

as to whether he can get out or not.

0:21:030:21:06

He says it is tsunami proof if you close the door.

0:21:060:21:09

But what if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving aliens.

0:21:090:21:12

Anyway, NASA has felt obliged to respond to all this bollocks,

0:21:140:21:17

sorry speculation.

0:21:170:21:18

-They've made a film. They released a four-minute film.

-A film?

-Yes.

0:21:180:21:22

A four-minute film called...

0:21:220:21:24

And they released it a week early, it begins...

0:21:240:21:28

Get a life.

0:21:310:21:32

British reaction has been wonderful and British and restrained.

0:21:350:21:39

The AA have been issuing advice for motorists.

0:21:390:21:42

If the world should end, pull over to the nearest lay-by.

0:21:420:21:46

You know what? It's that good. It's really that good.

0:21:460:21:49

They said drivers should...

0:21:490:21:51

And what did the London Fire Brigade advise?

0:21:540:21:57

Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.

0:21:570:22:01

During the Cuban Crisis, I was only very young, obviously,

0:22:090:22:14

and the night when the crisis peaked and it looked very dangerous,

0:22:140:22:18

I was laying in my bed and my dad had just tucked me up

0:22:180:22:22

and as he was going out the door, he said,

0:22:220:22:24

"Well, just think, we might not be here in the morning, night-night!"

0:22:240:22:28

"What?"

0:22:310:22:32

But actually, in a way,

0:22:350:22:36

that's quite a good attitude to have, isn't it?

0:22:360:22:39

He couldn't control Khrushchev or Kennedy, so what do you do?

0:22:390:22:43

Just terrify your children.

0:22:430:22:45

Yes, this is the end of the world, due to happen any moment now,

0:22:450:22:48

or if you are watching the repeat, wha-hey!

0:22:480:22:51

This is according...

0:22:510:22:53

This is according to the Mayan calendar.

0:22:550:22:57

I've not seen it, but I imagine Miss December looks very gloomy.

0:22:570:23:00

According to the Guardian...

0:23:030:23:05

And knowing China, for those 90 people, it probably will.

0:23:090:23:13

And so to Round Two,

0:23:160:23:17

Daniel Radcliffe's Jolly Wonderland Of Festive Christmas Tidings.

0:23:170:23:20

Here's a lovely winter scene by Bruegel.

0:23:200:23:22

-Oh...

-And there are clues to the news stories which he kindly painted in.

0:23:220:23:27

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

0:23:270:23:30

-Oh, no!

-BELL RINGS

0:23:330:23:35

Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax?

0:23:400:23:42

It's not, this was the news that a Starbucks campaign

0:23:420:23:45

to spread the cheer has backfired,

0:23:450:23:47

after it was hijacked by Twitter users.

0:23:470:23:49

So, next to the Natural History Museum,

0:23:490:23:51

Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink,

0:23:510:23:53

and you were allowed to text in any message you liked

0:23:530:23:57

as long as you put...

0:23:570:23:58

It started off quite nicely. Um...

0:24:010:24:03

APPLAUSE

0:24:380:24:40

-And I don't...

-That one was Oscar Wilde.

0:24:400:24:44

I don't think it's worth me reading the next one, but finally...

0:24:440:24:47

But that was predictable, wasn't it?

0:24:540:24:56

You wouldn't have to be a Mayan to see that coming.

0:24:560:24:58

This is the Starbucks Twitter screen at the National History Museum

0:25:000:25:03

which was hijacked by tax protestors.

0:25:030:25:05

One of the tweets displayed at the Natural History Museum said...

0:25:050:25:10

Something they agree with down the road at the HMV & A,

0:25:140:25:17

and in New York at the Google-heim.

0:25:170:25:19

Fingers on buzzers, here's the next clue.

0:25:200:25:23

BELL RINGS

0:25:250:25:27

ANDY: This is the norovirus

0:25:300:25:31

which is going to make Christmas very toilet-centric.

0:25:310:25:35

The yuletide logs of thousands of Britons

0:25:350:25:37

will be a bit softer this year.

0:25:370:25:39

Apparently, the norovirus has hit 880,000 people so far.

0:25:390:25:44

In March of this year,

0:25:440:25:45

at my daughter's two-year-old birthday party,

0:25:450:25:48

we basically nearly wiped out three generations of our family,

0:25:480:25:52

and about three or four classes at the school as well

0:25:520:25:55

because everybody left and everybody was ill that evening.

0:25:550:25:58

And I triple checked how I cooked the sausages,

0:25:580:26:01

cos I thought, "It's the sausages," but luckily, it was norovirus.

0:26:010:26:05

The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk away...

0:26:070:26:12

And we were doing the traditional northern party game

0:26:120:26:15

of Touch The Wall.

0:26:150:26:16

Ooh, touch the wall!

0:26:160:26:19

And then, you know, it can just stay there,

0:26:190:26:21

and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.

0:26:210:26:24

The Health Protection Agency has given some advice...

0:26:240:26:28

It's odd now that you have to tell public to wash their hands

0:26:310:26:34

after they've been to the toilet.

0:26:340:26:36

You don't think that should be done in school?

0:26:360:26:39

Basically, everything Daniel just read out

0:26:390:26:42

comes under the heading of common sense, doesn't it?

0:26:420:26:44

-But you're not allowed to have that any more.

-No, no, it's gone.

0:26:440:26:48

And I'm a young person, that's why I read it out,

0:26:480:26:50

-not recognising it as common sense.

-How very true.

0:26:500:26:53

Don't worry, young person.

0:26:530:26:55

You will grow wise and old one day!

0:26:550:26:58

Sounding a bit like Dumbledore.

0:26:590:27:01

Why was Hogwarts never inspected by Ofsted?

0:27:020:27:05

Children being eaten by serpents,

0:27:070:27:09

Ofsted have questions to answer, I think.

0:27:090:27:13

-It's a private school, though.

-Oh, that's true, yes.

0:27:130:27:15

It's not much of a title - Harry Potter And The Ofsted Report.

0:27:150:27:19

What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea

0:27:200:27:23

and someone on board has the norovirus?

0:27:230:27:26

Duck.

0:27:260:27:28

Throw them overboard.

0:27:280:27:29

Just trail a dinghy behind, put all the ill people in the dinghy

0:27:290:27:32

with some crisps and that...

0:27:320:27:34

and an iPad.

0:27:340:27:35

-It'd be all right for a couple of days.

-Yeah.

0:27:350:27:38

-You should be a nurse!

-Yes.

0:27:380:27:41

I've got that... People say I'm caring like that.

0:27:410:27:43

That level of compassion - in a dinghy, crisps.

0:27:430:27:45

300 passengers on board P&O's luxury cruise ship the Oriana

0:27:470:27:50

were struck down by the bug

0:27:500:27:51

leading to it being labelled...

0:27:510:27:53

Imagine showing off your photos

0:27:550:27:56

when you get back from the plague ship.

0:27:560:27:59

Here's Barry and June that we met, they're from Derby.

0:27:590:28:01

There's June on her hands and knees.

0:28:010:28:03

Barry's rubbing her back and holding her hair back, he was ever so nice.

0:28:030:28:07

A lovely couple.

0:28:070:28:09

We went to their funeral on Tuesday.

0:28:090:28:12

It was a nice day, we had crisps in a dinghy.

0:28:120:28:14

She had that same cardigan that she bought in the Bay Of Biscay.

0:28:140:28:17

They buried her in it, apparently.

0:28:170:28:21

How did these unfortunate puking people react?

0:28:210:28:23

At first, completely in an over-the-top dramatic way,

0:28:250:28:29

then suspicion entered their eyes.

0:28:290:28:32

Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance back,

0:28:320:28:34

meeting your eye for a second, then looking towards the distant horizon.

0:28:340:28:38

And then, throwing up.

0:28:380:28:39

Picture that quick. First bit's romantic and then bleurgh.

0:28:420:28:45

Well, yes, they demanded refunds.

0:28:470:28:49

You can't have your sick back, I'm sorry, it's ours now.

0:28:490:28:53

When the ship returned to port...

0:28:530:28:55

-At least we think that's what they said.

-Yeah.

0:28:560:28:59

This is the norovirus,

0:29:000:29:01

or to put it in terms Harry Potter fans will understand,

0:29:010:29:04

from both ends it's expelliarmus.

0:29:040:29:06

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:29:100:29:12

BUZZER

0:29:150:29:18

SARA: Did a dog eat lots of Christmas lights,

0:29:180:29:22

and then when he passed them they were still lit and fine?

0:29:220:29:25

As you say, there is a dog that's eaten a lot of Christmas lights,

0:29:280:29:32

how did the dog's owner Charlie...? No, sorry, Charlie was the dog,

0:29:320:29:36

the dog's owner is Sharon and I'm sorry, Sharon.

0:29:360:29:40

How did she find where the missing lights were?

0:29:400:29:44

He started flickering. Intermittently.

0:29:440:29:46

She took him to the pet hospital after...

0:29:460:29:49

She's thorough, isn't she?

0:29:510:29:52

Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet,

0:29:550:29:57

that's not an X-ray, he's plugged in.

0:29:570:29:59

Charlie has been described as a repeat offender.

0:30:000:30:03

-What else has he eaten?

-Has he eaten anyone's homework?

0:30:030:30:06

-No. My dog genuinely did eat my homework once.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:30:060:30:11

He ate my copy of Just William, which I was supposed to be doing a report on.

0:30:110:30:14

And I had to go into school and say, "Really, the dog ate it."

0:30:140:30:19

Did the teacher say, "Fantasy again, Potter".

0:30:190:30:22

What would they say?

0:30:230:30:24

You're not on a film set, now, Dan, all that standard crap.

0:30:240:30:27

And I was like, "I know! I'm a lot less happy."

0:30:270:30:30

And nobody's getting me coffee.

0:30:310:30:33

I know, who are all these other people?

0:30:350:30:37

They're so close to me! Um...

0:30:370:30:38

APPLAUSE

0:30:400:30:43

This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery

0:30:440:30:46

after swallowing a string of festive Christmas lights.

0:30:460:30:49

As he prepared to face the operation, his owner gave him a hug

0:30:490:30:52

and his little face lit up.

0:30:520:30:53

After swallowing the Christmas lights,

0:30:590:31:01

Charlie was on the critical list,

0:31:010:31:03

then he was off, then on, then off again...

0:31:030:31:06

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:31:060:31:08

-BELL RINGS

-There's nothing on our monitor.

0:31:120:31:14

MAN: It's stuck for a moment.

0:31:140:31:17

Can someone go out to Woolies?

0:31:200:31:22

ANDY: You don't get one now.

0:31:230:31:25

Craftiest bit of theft I've ever seen.

0:31:250:31:27

Does he work here? Hang on a minute.

0:31:290:31:31

There was nothing wrong with it!

0:31:330:31:34

Nobody knows him from Adam, that bloke.

0:31:340:31:36

He's just come in. Yeah.

0:31:360:31:38

Loads of people.

0:31:390:31:40

I should just move, shouldn't I? Sorry.

0:31:450:31:48

ANDY: Sara? If there's any inappropriate behaviour...

0:31:480:31:51

Hang on, we've got UK Gold on our one now.

0:31:530:31:56

Is this the moment when the world ends?

0:31:570:31:59

It's one of the first penguins ever to be seen

0:32:010:32:04

during the Middle Ages.

0:32:040:32:06

Does anybody know whose penguin?

0:32:060:32:07

This is a peasant gathering winter fuel, are we going to use penguins?

0:32:070:32:11

This is the news that a pub mascot called Elvis

0:32:110:32:15

is being held ransom

0:32:150:32:16

-in a bid to stop the landlord playing Christmas music.

-Ah.

0:32:160:32:20

They left a note saying, "Elvis has left the building."

0:32:200:32:24

How did the landlord find out?

0:32:240:32:26

He got one of those letters with all the words cut out of newspapers.

0:32:260:32:30

-He did!

-Did he?

-Yes. Are you joking? Sorry.

0:32:300:32:34

There he is.

0:32:340:32:36

SARA: I can't believe we're talking about the abduction of the penguin

0:32:360:32:39

and no-one's questioned why a landlord's got a penguin.

0:32:390:32:42

Are you just allowed to have a penguin?

0:32:420:32:44

I should have made that much clearer,

0:32:440:32:46

-it's a fake penguin.

-Oh, right!

0:32:460:32:48

He wasn't working behind the bar.

0:32:480:32:51

They look like waiters.

0:32:530:32:54

Collecting glasses...

0:32:540:32:58

Apart from drinkers in Matthews Pub,

0:32:580:33:00

who else can't stop listening to Christmas carols?

0:33:000:33:02

-People who work in shops.

-True.

-I feel really sorry for them.

0:33:020:33:07

Whenever you go in, it's just starting up again.

0:33:070:33:10

Spare a thought for the DJs as well.

0:33:100:33:12

The only time on Radio 1 when you get to go, "It's quarter to 12.

0:33:120:33:16

"Here's Shakin' Stevens."

0:33:160:33:18

"That was Shakin' Stevens. Here's Nicki Minaj." The two you'd never...

0:33:180:33:22

Who's Nicki Minaj?

0:33:220:33:25

One third of Menage A Trois.

0:33:250:33:27

Is that the leader of UKIP?

0:33:310:33:32

The answer I was looking for is sufferers of Musical Ear Syndrome.

0:33:350:33:39

For over a year, 84-year-old Cath Gamester, who we must all feel

0:33:390:33:43

very sorry for, has been hearing the same five songs playing on a loop.

0:33:430:33:46

Do you want to guess what some of the songs might have been.

0:33:460:33:48

Hark The Herald Angels Sing. There are lots of carols.

0:33:480:33:51

Little Donkey.

0:33:530:33:54

# Little donkey, little donkey

0:33:540:33:57

# On a dusty road... #

0:33:570:34:00

Next year's number 1.

0:34:000:34:03

-I can feel a Facebook page starting.

-What's wrong with this year?

0:34:030:34:06

Are you sure she's not... You know those cards that play a song when you

0:34:060:34:11

open them, has she not got a couple of them in a cupboard somewhere?

0:34:110:34:14

Someone's brought her a carpet that, when you walk on it,

0:34:140:34:17

it plays Christmas carols.

0:34:170:34:19

Christmas carol carpet. Very popular in Finland.

0:34:190:34:22

You see how I lost interest before the end there?

0:34:230:34:27

Why can dead people now hear music?

0:34:270:34:30

They can't hear, of course, but why can they?

0:34:300:34:32

Oh, it's the karaoke coffin.

0:34:320:34:34

Yes, a Swedish man is selling coffins with built-in hi-fis.

0:34:340:34:38

According to the Mail, this is called the CataCombo.

0:34:380:34:42

It costs £18,500 and is aimed at music lovers who don't want

0:34:420:34:46

to rest in peace.

0:34:460:34:48

You'd be walking through the graveyard early one morning.

0:34:480:34:52

That sounds like Bohemian Rhapsody.

0:34:520:34:55

Customers can compile their own personal playlist before they die.

0:34:550:34:59

They can order whatever food they'll want after they're dead,

0:34:590:35:03

the trousers they'll be wearing.

0:35:030:35:06

This guy's great. 18,000 quid for this.

0:35:060:35:09

This isn't helping with moving on.

0:35:170:35:19

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.

0:35:190:35:22

We'll have that...bastard!

0:35:220:35:25

-Going Underground.

-I did It My Way.

0:35:250:35:29

This is the news that a toy penguin has been

0:35:300:35:33

kidnapped from a pub as part of a protest at a pub

0:35:330:35:35

about their relentless playing of Christmas music.

0:35:350:35:38

The green wicker penguin was stolen from outside the rural Gloucester

0:35:380:35:41

pub - disappointing for locals as they have nothing left to worship.

0:35:410:35:44

It's time for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.

0:35:460:35:49

Buzz in when you know the answer.

0:35:490:35:50

The Sphinx, Lord Voldemort, my dog and Tycho Brahe.

0:35:500:35:55

BUZZER

0:35:550:35:56

It's got to be noses as in my dog has no nose. How does he smell?

0:35:560:36:01

Well, it's mainly through the mouth, I suppose.

0:36:010:36:04

-The Sphinx has no nose.

-How did what's-his-chops lose his nose?

0:36:040:36:09

-He lost it in a duel.

-He had it cut off?

-Voldemort never had a nose.

0:36:090:36:13

He did have a nose at one point.

0:36:130:36:16

-We're going to pick old metal nose at the bottom.

-No, you're wrong.

0:36:160:36:19

-Ian?

-Let's go Sphinx.

-It's Voldemort. Course it is.

0:36:190:36:26

-I said Voldemort.

-Did you? But you didn't give a reason.

0:36:260:36:28

-Yes, I did.

-You gave the wrong reason then. Give a better reason.

0:36:280:36:32

I can see why Hermione lost interest.

0:36:340:36:37

APPLAUSE

0:36:370:36:39

That's unfair.

0:36:430:36:44

He's the only one who has a nose.

0:36:440:36:47

The others have all lost their noses.

0:36:470:36:48

-There you go.

-Yay!

-Ian Hislop, everybody.

0:36:480:36:51

They all have no nose apart from Voldemort whose nose is there

0:36:510:36:54

but very flat.

0:36:540:36:55

It can be a real problem for a dog not to have a nose as in the park,

0:36:550:36:58

it's considered impolite to simply stare up another dog's backside.

0:36:580:37:02

"Considered impolite."

0:37:030:37:04

Who by? Oh, really! What's the matter with you?

0:37:060:37:08

According to Wikipedia, Lord Voldemort is the main

0:37:100:37:12

villain in the Harry Potter books.

0:37:120:37:14

Have they made them into books?

0:37:140:37:16

What was the basic story, then?

0:37:160:37:19

Uh...

0:37:190:37:20

Does it all turn out all right in the end?

0:37:240:37:26

-Yeah.

-That's all I wanted to know.

0:37:260:37:29

That's good enough for me.

0:37:290:37:30

Time for the Missing Words round which this week

0:37:300:37:32

features as its guest publication the Powerful Owl newsletter.

0:37:320:37:36

Obviously they've got my association with owls.

0:37:360:37:39

I once killed an owl with a shovel.

0:37:390:37:42

No! Sorry, the Harry Potter thing.

0:37:420:37:44

We'll start with...

0:37:450:37:47

Mrs Obama.

0:37:510:37:53

He's been forced top deny this.

0:38:000:38:02

Apparently, this spoof story appeared on a website which

0:38:020:38:04

then spread around the world. According to the story,

0:38:040:38:07

Tyson visited the same skilled reconstructive surgeon that

0:38:070:38:09

Terry Williams used before he became Serena.

0:38:090:38:12

GROANING

0:38:120:38:14

Blues music badly played by middle class white people.

0:38:180:38:21

Irish stereotypes.

0:38:230:38:25

..are my only joys in life says the Pope.

0:38:350:38:37

This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.

0:38:450:38:48

Nemo.

0:38:510:38:54

Popularity in Hull.

0:38:540:38:55

Yes.

0:38:560:38:58

It was owls. The easiest way to spot a powerful owl is to listen

0:38:580:39:01

out for their distinctive call of whoo-hoo.

0:39:010:39:04

Although they only make this noise if they've had some good news.

0:39:040:39:07

Gave me norovirus.

0:39:120:39:15

It's "..went to work."

0:39:150:39:16

-It's not a big story, is it?

-Well, it's here.

0:39:160:39:19

This is the news that more people are working on Christmas Day.

0:39:190:39:23

I imagine the head of pixilation on Top Of The Pops 2 hasn't had

0:39:230:39:25

a day off for a while.

0:39:250:39:27

Flat-faced pullet owl.

0:39:310:39:33

This is a man who found £85 down the back of his sofa.

0:39:350:39:38

I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred

0:39:380:39:41

from the north of England.

0:39:410:39:43

Don't do it then.

0:39:450:39:46

I have to do it. It's on the autocue, you know what that means.

0:39:460:39:49

There is estimated to be £1.61 down the back of the average sofa,

0:39:500:39:53

if you live in Hull, what are you waiting for?

0:39:530:39:55

Run into the front garden and check!

0:39:550:39:57

APPLAUSE

0:39:590:40:01

Bad wizard, bad.

0:40:040:40:06

And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sara have 7,

0:40:080:40:10

and Ian and Andy have 9.

0:40:100:40:12

Just before we go there is time for the caption competition.

0:40:180:40:22

Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle pump.

0:40:220:40:25

Eric Pickles, reincarnated.

0:40:280:40:30

APPLAUSE

0:40:320:40:35

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

0:40:350:40:38

and Andy Hamilton, Sarah Cox and Paul Merton.

0:40:380:40:41

I leave you with news that in a candid moment Ed Miliband

0:40:410:40:43

reveals how much he spent on his brother's Christmas present.

0:40:430:40:46

A bit of a letdown for Boris Johnson after his secretary

0:40:490:40:51

promises him a dirty weekend.

0:40:510:40:53

And after a busy year,

0:40:570:40:59

George Michael arrives at his sister's house for Christmas!

0:40:590:41:02

Good night.

0:41:050:41:07

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:270:41:31

Hello, everybody. I'm Harry Potter.

0:41:410:41:44

-# I'm Harry Potter... #

-You look like Trotsky.

0:41:440:41:46

-What?

-You look like Trotsky.

-I don't look like Trotsky.

0:41:460:41:49

-I look like you, mate. Harry Potter! I'm Harry Potter as an OAP.

-Oi, you. Shut up!

0:41:490:41:53

How am I going to tell the wife?!

0:41:580:41:59

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