Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Charlotte Church. In the news this week...

During a particularly bad hangover,

Prince Harry's butler is sent out to get an extra-large espresso...

In Texas, having ditched performance-enhancing drugs,

a new-look Lance Armstrong starts training for the Tour de France...

And round the back of a beauticians' in Knightsbridge,

there's evidence that Rebekah Brooks

celebrated her multi-million pound pay-off with a bikini wax.

LAUGHTER

With Ian tonight is a co-presenter of the quiz show Pointless,

where the aim is to score as few points as possible.

At last, a show Ian could win. Please welcome Richard Osman.

Hiya.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a comedian and actor

who stars in the BAFTA-winning sitcom, Rev.

But he's still happy to do shows like this just for the money,

so he's a vicar AND a tart. Please welcome Miles Jupp.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

Oh, yes, OK. This is the controversy...

-There's Boris.

-Winning in Vegas.

Indeed, and there's a man, alone. But...

Oh! Not alone for long.

I think this is the story about

whether gay people are human beings or not.

If they are, they have equal rights and should be able to get married,

and if they're not, they can't.

That's right. This is the row over legalising gay marriage,

which threatens to rend the Tory Party asunder.

-So, who's behind it?

-Um...

That's quite a question, with those Tory backbenchers(!)

Ignoring the answer that would fill other, lesser shows,

I would say...

I don't know. Who is?

-It's Cameron-Clegg.

-Cameron-Clegg.

-Cameron-Clegg, a gay married couple.

-Yes...

And what is the Tory MP Peter Bone's big problem?

Er...his name.

He's...he's against it.

Yes. It's also that he's protesting

that neither the Tories, Labour, or the Lib Dems

even mentioned legalising gay marriage in their manifestos.

I know it's childish, but every time David Cameron says on gay marriage

that he's got a mandate, it makes me laugh.

So, what was the compromise position the Government have worked out?

You can't ask these questions!

They CAN get married in church,

but they have to keep the lights off, so people can't see them.

The churches that don't want to do it, don't have to.

That's the compromise.

And it seems they've come up with the solution that pleases no-one.

They've also changed the Equality Act,

so you can't sue a vicar for not marrying a gay couple.

"Can't sue a vicar," that's a great phrase, isn't it?

You can imagine vicars running around,

"Ooh! Can't sue a vicar! Can't sue a vicar!"

Do you always act them as camp, or...?

I've got four or five vicars in my repertoire, Ian...

-Oh, right.

-..one of whom is unbelievably butch.

So, one Tory MP opposed to gay marriage, David Davies,

caused a stir when he said most people wouldn't want gay children.

So, how did he prove that he isn't, in fact, homophobic?

-MILES: He once hit a gay man.

-Yeah, but how?

In the ring, in a boxing ring.

Indeed. Can you remember what his name was?

-RICHARD: Yes, the Pink Pounder.

-It was. Very good.

David Davies punched out a gay man, so he's not homophobic.

-That's how we know that.

-Yes. Really.

Took some punishment in the ring, I suspect, but...

Nice!

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry.

So, he actually tweeted...

..is what he said, which, of course, puts all of our minds at ease,

that he isn't homophobic.

-He's an MP in Wales, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-In Monmouth?

-Monmouth, yeah.

-I've met him, actually.

-Nice guy?

-Er...

He seemed perfectly reasonable. I got no sense of homophobia from him,

but then, why would I?

I never tried to box him, or anything like that.

He goes to church with my parents-in-law.

I don't want to cause any sort of...awkward politics.

I once gave him directions while I was doing some light gardening.

So, why has the Government raised this issue now?

It's happening now because Cameron and his wife,

they looked at their mantelpiece, and they thought,

"We used to have loads of wedding invitations and now there's...

"Everyone we know is already married, or awaiting sentence."

I think the real reason he's doing it is it's just distracting.

It's like being in America.

You do politics about things that aren't happening...

Just to make us stop thinking about

the economic shit pit of a situation that we have.

-Is that a technical term?

-Absolutely!

-Or is it Welsh?

-No.

So, meanwhile, what has the Government not been doing

while the gay marriage row has been going on?

Apart from not looking at the economy properly...

-They've been doing the census. Not that?

-No, not that.

-Responding to the Leveson Report.

-Oh, yes!

So, after Cameron told the newspaper editors off

and demanded that they come up with some ideas

about regulating themselves, what did the editors do?

They went off and had a big lunch.

-Were you invited to this big blowout?

-No.

-Funny that, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is. I mean, I was there.

-You were there as well?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Were you? Yes, yes.

Yes. It was fun, it was good.

-It was brilliant. The Pink Pounder came along...

-It was great.

-Weren't you really annoyed?

-No, I didn't care at all.

I gave my evidence to Leveson.

I've said the same thing all the way through. They know what I think...

and Private Eye was not criticised in the Leveson Report.

In fact, he...he was quite kind.

And you're not interested enough in wider journalism?

-Only your own interests...?

-Of course. Don't be stupid.

But, Leveson's got interesting, because...

RICHARD: Wow. That is interesting.

Our party would have been amazing if someone had come along and done that.

Is that essentially Gangnam Style? Is that what that was?

It's good, it was very close. You know Gangnam Style?

Yes, I know Gangnam Style! Who am I kidding?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, why has it become very interesting?

It's become interesting because The Telegraph had a story

about the Culture Secretary and her expenses...

-Maria Miller? Milner?

-Maria Miller.

She's been claiming rent on this house where her parents live,

and you're not really allowed to do this,

and when other MPs did it, they got fairly violently criticised.

But she's the Culture Secretary, so the Telegraph rang her up

and said, "We've got this story about you

"and the expenses on your house," and her aide said,

"I should warn you that, you know,

"the Culture Secretary is looking at the Leveson Report..."

Ooh...

And then they did it again.

They rang the Prime Minister's office and, again,

HIS communications bloke said,

"I should warn you that Maria Miller is looking at Leveson."

-So, there was a bit of a threat...

-A veiled threat...

..that if you do this sort of journalistic thing of pointing out

where we're fiddling expenses, we might crack down on you,

and introduce a law.

They said it wasn't a threat, though. They just mentioned Leveson,

in the way that the frightening man in the pub

might mention the quality of hospital food.

We should point out that Maria Miller was claiming expenses

on her second home, and denies any wrongdoing.

Yeah, how stupid of anyone to infer

that there was something dodgy in it(!)

I think she should be exonerated.

-Is that the word I mean?

-Exonerated?

What's it when they tie you up and put electricity through you?

And let's not forget Rebekah Brooks.

What did we learn about her this week?

She's getting more money than we thought.

Instead of nine million, she's getting eleven.

How much did the victims of phone hacking get?

Somewhere between 30,000 and...

Our payoff, as in me and my family, was one of the biggest payoffs,

we got 600,000, between me, my mother and my father.

-So, she gets 20 times more than you do...?

-Yeah...

-WHISPERS:

-Bitch.

-..to keep quiet.

I'm sure there were other bits in the document.

-She gets all legal costs as well, doesn't she?

-Yeah.

-Unless she's found guilty.

-Right, and then she gets double?

There's a fantastic bit of evidence in the Leveson Report,

I just have to bring this up, involving Charlotte.

-It's about when you sung at Rupert Murdoch's wedding.

-Yes, yes.

And...the request came through for you to sing Pie Jesu,

which is from Faure's Requiem,

-and you pointed out this was a funeral...dirge.

-Yes.

And at the time, you say in your evidence, you've no idea why.

But I know. Because the party was organised by his young wife.

Right...

How did it go down? Were you a storm on the yacht?

Yeah, apart from Pie Jesu, really.

-They didn't like that one?

-No.

Who were you most surprised to see there,

that turned out to be part of that sort of power group?

I didn't know who any of them were!

RICHARD: Bobby Davro, I bet, was there.

OK. So, on the subject of privacy,

whose relationship did we find out too much about this week?

-It has to do with Twitter.

-MILES: Oh, the Bercows.

Presumably most weeks someone finds out too much

-about Bercows on Twitter.

-What have they been up to this week?

-Well, surprisingly...

-He knows.

-Oh.

I think they've had an anniversary of some sort and...

RICHARD: Wedding anniversary, I think.

A Wedding anniversary. Right, OK, not the anniversary of,

I don't know, a killing spree they'd been on.

That's March the 17th.

LAUGHTER

"The night we bathed our love in blood."

She tweeted...

So, what did we learn about marriage from the last 2011 census?

-It's not very popular any more.

-Yeah, less people getting married.

Apart from Polish people, that's about it.

-Less than half of the UK population now bother with it, apparently.

-Oh!

And that's literally just the women. That's the weird thing.

That's what they can't work out.

So, what did we learn about the ethnic mix of the UK?

-MILES: It's changed.

-Yes...

-as is reflected by the panel tonight.

-Yep.

Yeah, apparently it is changing fast.

White people are now in a minority in London...

White BRITISH in a minority in London.

White people generally are still in a majority,

because of the Polish and the Ukrainians.

But whereabouts in the population is 95% White British?

-Wales.

-Quite right. But we do love strangers, honest.

It's true.

It's all the Celtic fringes.

Scotland, Wales, the West Country.

Mostly White. Still.

That sounds like a racist weather forecast.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dark clouds coming over...

We could just sit here all day trotting out boring statistics...

-We could do(!)

-I feel like we have done.

-So, I've invented quite a boring game...

-Oh, great.

-Lovely.

..we can play with statistics, called Pointless.

You have to try and guess which is the lowest number

-in the categories I'm going to give you.

-Fantastic.

Over half a million people surveyed

said that they were from a minority religion.

So, here are five of the religions

closest to being pointless.

Wicca is part of the craft movement,

-is that right?

-Yeah, that's right.

So, Ian and Richard, you go first.

Well, I think that the Heavy Metal

and Satanism will split

-a particular vote.

-Yeah.

I think Satanism will be

the lowest-scoring of those.

OK, so let's see what percentage of people picked Satanism.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-That's good.

-Is that good?

-That's good.

Very pointless.

Oh, I tell you what, this is exciting!

OK, Paul and Miles, your turn.

OK, I would say Heavy Metal. What do

-you think?

-I think you're right.

It's not a type of religion, it's a type of...

-Well, it's a type of metal, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

We're going to go for Heavy Metal.

OK, let's see what Heavy Metal has.

MILES: Doing well so far.

Yeah. Excited face.

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-1.2. Almost. It was close.

What an extraordinary noise!

Here's the list of all the answers.

We couldn't have won anyway, then.

So, that means Ian and Richard were

closest to pointless. Well done.

You get a point.

APPLAUSE

-Now, it's only a couple of weeks until Christmas...

-Yes.

..but where wasn't Jesus welcomed this week?

Oh, in a darts tournament.

This was... Yes...

Jesus turned up and, unfortunately, lots of people were quite drunk.

So Jesus, instead of spreading the Word,

was escorted out of the building by security guards.

-Right.

-Did you say he WASN'T actually Jesus?

-No, he WAS Jesus.

-Oh, he was. He was Jesus.

How did I miss the Second Coming?!

You're not interested in darts!

He was actually at the Cash Converters Darts Championship final

at Butlins in Minehead.

I think we should have a look at it.

CROWD BOOS

CROWD CHANTS: Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

The trouble is, before he turned up, they were drinking water.

MILES: I'd be pretty happy to lose my deposit on a holiday there,

I have to say.

Speaking of premier events in the social calendar,

which musical opened this week?

Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical.

Yes, that is exactly right.

The Telegraph gave the musical a scathing review -

"Tawdry, lazy, unedifying, banal and fatuous..."

were all unavailable for comment.

If anyone can name me five Spice Girls hits,

I'm going to give you an extra point.

-I'll name you ten for two points.

-Whoa! Really? Dude, let's go.

-Wannabe.

-Yeah.

-Two Become One.

-Uh-huh.

-Say You'll Be There.

-Wow!

-Spice Up Your Life.

-Yeah.

-Mama.

-Pie Jesu.

One minute.

-Mama.

-You said Mama, but that's five.

-Viva Forever.

-Yeah.

Er...

-Stop.

-Yeah...

-Goodbye.

Goodbye... Did it have a little more?

-No.

-No? OK, sorry.

-Goodbye.

-And Too Much.

-Hang on, that's nine.

-OK. Holler.

Wow, that was incredible!

APPLAUSE

Do you ever do anything where you think, "Why did I do that?"

Yeah, absolutely.

This show really deserves to be on at 5:15, doesn't it?

How do you know that? I mean, you're not one of them.

Yeah, I'm Lofty Spice.

APPLAUSE

I was thinking more of Waste Of Spice.

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-No...the knowledge.

The knowledge, the knowledge.

-Richard, I'm afraid I can't give you those two points.

-Really?

I'm going to have to take away some for you being so unbelievably sad.

Yeah, that's fine. You know what, that's what I deserve.

Was it recently a question on your show?

Er...you know what...? Yes, let's say it was.

Or do you have a younger sister who bought these records

-when they came out?

-Let's say both those things are true.

And did she play them all the time?

Oh, did she ever(!)

This is the latest proposals for gay marriage.

According to a guide to the proposals in the Daily Mail...

Yes, I been to a few gay clubs, and that's not going to be a problem.

This week, David Davies, the Tory MP for Monmouth, claimed...

Well, I don't mind if my kids turn out to be gay,

just as long as they don't turn out to be Tory MPs.

The two aren't mutually exclusive!

Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

-Oh, Berlusconi is back.

-Yes.

Like a bald, sex-starved, sex-craved Terminator.

That looks like a party and a half. Is that the darts at Minehead?

That's the EU Nobel Prize.

I think they're playing the EU anthem, and we can't hear it.

Oh, I think they're maybe playing Spice Up Your Life.

It got to number one, I think it was...November...

No, I don't go that deep.

I bet you do!

Yeah, Silvio Berlusconi is back.

He's withdrawn his support for Mario Monti in Italy,

so they're going to have to hold another election.

-It's political chaos in Italy.

-This is how democracy works in Europe.

Mario Monti wasn't elected. He's the person the Germans want...

and the public wanted Berlusconi,

-but, sadly, he had a number of issues...

-Yes.

..as we say. Most of them about 17.

Absolutely. So, what does Berlusconi say motivated him

to come out of retirement?

He's got a new girlfriend. He has!

She's a local councillor. She's 27.

Incredibly old! And she's been behind him.

She ran a campaign saying, "Come back, Silvio."

She looks like she could handle a wheelie bin complaint.

According to The Times, he told journalists that...

Always worth reminding ourselves of the contrast

with what he was saying just before he left office in 2011...

He's got another incentive to be Prime Minister.

Cos if you're Prime Minister, they can't prosecute you for corruption,

and you can bring in laws that say, "I can't be prosecuted."

So, it's quite in his interests to be Prime Minister

at this particular time, because there is a court case going on

with someone called Ruby the Enchanter,

who is turning up to court to say she had him

at one of these Bunga Bunga parties.

And she was 17 and he was about 100.

I think she's absolutely...

-She's called Ruby the Heart Stealer.

-Heart Stealer!

But Ruby the Enchanter sounds much more interesting. Who is she?

What was Berlusconi convicted of a few weeks ago?

Being silly.

-Tax evasion.

-Tax fraud.

-That's what you always start on.

He was given a jail sentence and barred from office

but, of course, this happened in Italy,

so not only has he not actually gone to prison,

but he's also running for office again.

And so, you mentioned the ulterior motive behind his relaunch,

that he could possibly not have to, you know, deal with any of it.

He could be immune, yes.

So, he's involved in two trials.

Somebody failed to turn up in court, which was Ruby the Heart Stealer.

She's the exotic dancer that he's alleged to have Bunga Bunga-ed

when she was just 17.

-Do you know what her lawyer said?

-MILES: She's at school.

She's at a College of Further Education.

It's an apprenticeship.

She's at Ian's.

Her lawyer actually said...

So, is the dirty old bastard...?

-Sorry.

-Dirty old...?!

He's sitting right here.

APPLAUSE

..I mean, the respected international statesman.

Is he likely to win?

-Definitely.

-He could win.

-He's quite a long way behind in the polls, though.

-Yeah.

And in other European news, what did Nick Clegg pick up this week?

The Nobel Prize. He was there.

Everybody sent their top people.

Angela Merkel was there from Germany...

Er...

Dominic Hollande from France...

Not Dominic Hollande. Dominic Holland is a stand-up comedian.

-Is he?

-I think you mean Francois Hollande.

Francois Hollande!

-Dominic Holland. Did he go?

-Yeah, he was there.

-He's very funny.

-He was doing the warm-up.

-Yeah.

He's very good. Who else was there?

There was Van Rompuy and all the main guys of the EU.

But I think about six countries didn't send their proper leaders,

including us. We sent Nick Clegg instead.

What did Cameron compare his approach

to Britain's role in Europe to?

-Think about Sting.

-RICHARD: Think about Sting?

What's Sting famous for?

Leaving the Police.

-Tantric sex, but it can't be that.

-It is.

-Is it?!

-What?!

He compared it to tantric sex. He said...

Are you sure it wasn't tantric yoga? It's not always sex.

Well, what about the last line? How do you explain that, Ian?

Yes! How DO you explain that?

Do you really expect the court to believe this tissue of lies?

Send him down!

Oh, don't. I'm having a flashback.

Meanwhile, the Conservative Euro row rumbled on this week.

David Cameron warned of big risks if Britain were to leave the EU,

but stay in the single market.

He said something once again, quite idiotic.

-I get the feeling you're not a fan.

-Not particularly, no.

-Did you meet him?

-I did.

You've met them all. George Bush, the Pope...

Where did he rate?

I'd go low.

Low. Low on the world leader scale.

So, below Bush?

Oh...

That's low. That's low.

He asked me what state Wales was in.

-Yeah, so, not that bad...

-Did you say "terrible?"

APPLAUSE

No, thank you very much, Ian!

Shall I tell you? He warned...

An obsolete office technology?

They're his worries right now.

Has anyone told Lord Sugar? He's back!

Boris Johnson entered the European debate. What's he been saying?

He's been saying, "Vote for me, I'll be Prime Minister."

Apart from that.

He said we've got to be robust. We could have a two-tier Europe.

Us here, not being part of the Euro. Them there, being part of the Euro.

-It's not very controversial.

-Yeah, he said...

Well, according to The Telegraph,

Boris said the Prime Minister should offer...

So, not the first time Boris has made that sort of suggestion.

I always think Boris Johnson would make more sense as a person

if he was wearing pyjamas.

Yeah, I agree!

He could totally join you on Balamory, as well.

I think he'd struggle to learn the lines.

It's pretty tricky stuff.

This is the possible return to Italian politics

for Silvio Berlusconi, who's come back from the grave

more often than Yasser Arafat.

Also this week, the EU picked up the Nobel Peace Prize.

According to the chairman of the Prize Committee, Europe is now...

Now, there's a man who's never been to Magaluf!

And so, to Round Two, the strength-o-meter of news.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

BUZZER

Yes, this is the... They're building a long-range missile.

I don't know whether it can reach in London,

but we seem to be happy to make jokes about it at the moment.

That's right. This is the news that North Korea has launched a rocket.

Shall we see the restrained manner

in which the impartial North Korean broadcaster

-announced the launch of the rocket?

-Oh, yes.

SHE SPEAKS KOREAN VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY

So, what have the North Koreans claimed the rocket was for?

Launching a communications satellite,

as pioneered by Arthur C Clarke in the 1940s.

Do you have any idea what it was called?

Yes, Barry. Barry Watson.

It was actually called...

That's Korean for Barry Watson 3.

On the subject of things being launched into the sky,

does anyone know what caused a stir in Sudan this week?

A human cannonball...

It was an Israeli vulture which, according to The Daily Telegraph,

was captured by Sudanese officials on grounds that the bird was...

Any idea what his code-name is?

-RICHARD: What, the vulture?

-Yeah, he's got a code-name.

Well, then he probably is a spy.

This is true.

It's Barry Watson!

He's actually known as...

RICHARD: Oh, I was going to say that!

Yes, this is the preamble to World War Three.

Kim Jong-un insists the launch is part of their space programme.

The next stage is to send a dog up into space.

If all goes well,

the North Korean scientists hope it will crisp up nicely on re-entry.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BUZZER

That's the Queen. Is she going to do her Christmas message in 3-D?

-That's exactly right.

-I know she always does it in 3-D,

-but it's going to be broadcast in 3-D.

-I know.

What will Her Majesty's faithful subjects need,

to see her in 3-D?

3-D glasses?

A screen?

Yes, although there is an easier way to experience a 3-D Queen.

Just look at the back of a coin or for a fuller effect,

take some LSD and stare at a stamp.

So, which non-member of the Royal family

doesn't have much reason to celebrate this Christmas?

-Non-member?

-That's an awful lot of people, isn't it?

-Pippa Middleton.

-That's right.

She's not celebrating, because...

Why is she not celebrating? What's wrong with her?

Because her book hasn't sold very well.

She did a book of party tips.

No, she produced this book,

which a lot of people thought was a bit self-evident.

It was a guide to having a party.

It said things like, "Invite some friends round. Give them a drink."

-RICHARD: "Don't forget to open the door."

-Yes.

"The clear liquid that pours from the ironworks in your kitchen

"is drinkable."

It's Pippa Middleton, whose book, Celebrate,

has been condemned to bargain bins after dismal sales,

despite much publicity and a reported advance of £400,000.

Wow, worse than Conrad Black's!

-A FEW PEOPLE TITTER

-Thank you very much.

I wouldn't open with that at Butlins Minehead.

So, which books are currently proving more popular than Pip's?

Nearly all books.

-The Highway Code.

-Yes! Quite right.

I've done a Christmas book. I'm not going to talk about it, though.

-Really?

-Oh, go on.

-No, it would be awful.

-Is it about the Spice Girls?

-What is it?

The Ten Singles That Changed My Life.

Again, let's say it is.

It's a Tom Daley calendar as well, and a children's book...

The Cat That Threw Up The August Bank Holiday.

Actually, I'd read that book. I'll start writing it.

The Dog Who Sweated St Swithin's Day.

Finally...

We should do this for hours!

So, this is the news that, for the first time ever,

the Queen's Christmas message will be broadcast in 3-D.

According to The Express, Prince Andrew once said...

Well, that's what she says.

She's actually watching Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies.

The Queen is known as the nation's favourite grandmother,

largely because you only have to listen to her

for ten minutes at Christmas.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-RICHARD: Is it the monkey in IKEA?

-It's not a monkey in IKEA.

60 years since the smog that killed people...

Well, certainly, people in London died.

-I'd imagine elsewhere as well.

-No.

It's a very interesting story, but it's nothing to do with that at all.

This is news that humming can solve crimes.

Sherlock Hums?

They do it with children all the time, don't they?

They play a certain noise that children can hear and adults can't,

so they don't hang around outside shops.

It wasn't just humming, it was classical music.

-It drove kids away...

-Really?!

If you play it in your shop, they don't go.

-I expect you're on a loop.

-Oh, Christ!

It's actually the background noise on any sound recording

has a unique fingerprint caused by nearby sources of electricity.

This can be checked against...

..which Richard kindly donated

from audience reactions to jokes made on Pointless.

Oh, dear. I wish that wasn't true.

They can establish the authenticity of any recording

and can work out the exact time and date that the recording was made.

-So, would you like to hear a typical hum?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK BUZZES

BUZZER RICHARD: It's 1984.

What do the people behind the idea hope to do next?

Sell it to somebody more gullible than they are!

They hope to learn more about each hum.

I think we're missing something essential in this story.

MILES: The enjoyment factor.

Can you imagine any way that you'd be able

to fight the hum, beat the hum?

Yeah, you'd hum yourself over it.

I should imagine anything you did that was vocal,

a human sound would be quite different from any sort of

electronic sound.

Hoover.

If you're carrying out a burglary always Hoover.

Hoover as you're going in cos they'll think you're the cleaner.

According to Wikipedia an electrical hum can be

cancelled using a technique called...

What on earth that consists of, I have no idea.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BELL

This monkey went to IKEA.

Couldn't find anything, the staff were really unhelpful...

He had a terrible time, he had to collect everything at the back...

MILES: The pencils must have seemed massive to him, mustn't they?

-He doesn't look happy, though.

-RICHARD: Well, look at his coat!

This was a monkey wearing a jacket,

who wandered into a branch of IKEA in Toronto this week.

Do you know what the monkey has been called?

Barry Watson. No?

-I think he's called Darwin, isn't he?

-That's right.

-Darwin?!

Who did The Sun compare Darwin to?

He looks like John Motson. Is it John Motson?

-It was Liam Gallagher.

-Oasis?

I'm not sure who should be consulting their lawyers first.

How did he get there?

Well, his brother was in a band first of all...

APPLAUSE

-He was in the back of a car.

-Yeah, he escaped.

His owner is a lady called Yasmin Nakhuda,

who is trying to get the monkey back as, according to her,

she has mothered him for the past five months.

They did everything together...

I hope they didn't get up to any monkey business,

as...that's how AIDS started.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-What a surprising turn the evening has taken!

-Yeah.

And finally, what did this man do to save the police a job?

MILES: Oh, his genitals light up.

-Alternately?

-That's right.

APPLAUSE

Was he having a secret affair with a passenger in the back of the van?

-And she's strapped to the roof inside.

-No!

And her husband's driving, and he doesn't have a rear-view mirror,

so he doesn't know what's going on.

"I'm just looking for the sweets, love."

-Did he arrest this bloke? He stopped the car.

-Yes, he stopped this car.

Which was speeding? Which was burglaring?

He spotted two thieves breaking into this van in Paris,

and he ran after them and managed to jump on top of it.

At a traffic light, he accosted one of the thieves,

and the other one ran off.

-And at what point did he lose his trousers?

-Well, yes...

Apparently he saw the thieves from his hotel room,

so didn't have time to put his trousers on.

Why would you wear trousers in a hotel?

-You pay for the room,

-BLEEPing

-take them off!

That's what the trouser press is there for. Use it! Use it!

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Your four are...

Roger Daltrey, Mel Blanc,

Michelle Obama, and Ed Balls.

I think it must be something to do with stutters, stammers.

Well, certainly Mel Blanc and Roger Daltrey

pretended to have stutters for professional reasons.

So, maybe Ed Balls pretended to have a stutter, but didn't,

and the only one that really did was Michelle Obama, who's cured it.

He's got a real stammer, Ed Balls, so he must be the odd one out.

He's real, the others have all faked it.

Yes, so they've all put on fake stammers, except Ed Balls

who, last week, blamed his poor performance in the Commons

-on his genuine stammer.

-Ah!

Mel Blanc put on a false stammer

when he voiced the popular cartoon character Porky Pig.

So, Paul, how did Porky Pig's stammer go?

He would start, and then do a little bit of a stammer, but never...

He would go... "P-p-p-p-p..." and then say the word.

"P-p-p-p-p-pepperoni," things like that. Well, not pepperoni,

because that would be a cousin of his.

You know what I'm saying.

-Did anyone see Ed Balls' appearance on the X Factor?

-No!

He wasn't actually there in person,

but they did read out one of his tweets,

in which he'd written...

Did he then tweet, "Wow, my tweet was just read out on the X Factor?"

He tweeted Nicole Sherzinger to say...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Ed.

-Do you think you could concentrate on the

-BLEEP

-economy? Thanks.

-Or

-BLEEP

-the economy!

-Yeah!

Wasn't there a story about David Cameron this week,

talking about his daughter?

She was very keen that he should vote for Will Young

in the first of the Britain's Got Talent shows.

He got the wrong... I think he was on X Factor...

He said it was the X Factor.

That was Pop Idol! That was donkey's years ago.

-Well, those shows are very similar, but...

-What?!

-Well, Pop Idol...

-Very different. Very different.

-Are they?

I just see a bunch of people

mercilessly exploited by the music business...

Oh, that bit's the same.

No, but wasn't it before she was born?

Two years before she was born, I think.

-Pop Idol was in 2002, with Will and Gareth.

-Good knowledge.

RICHARD: Big shock when Will beat Gareth. Big surprise.

Ed Balls tweeted, "Just totes amaze."

RICHARD: What is the song of 2012?

Oh, crikey, I don't know.

-So it could be Call Me Maybe.

-It's definitely not Call Me Maybe.

Oh, it's the One Pound Fish Song.

-The One Pound Fish Song?

-A FEW PEOPLE LAUGH

A couple of you.

-It's really funny, isn't it?

-Do you want to hear it?

Yes! I'd love to hear it! I love this song.

# Have a, have a look, one pound fish

# Have a, have a look, one pound fish

# Very, very good, one pound fish

# Very, very cheap, one pound fish

# Six for a fiver, one pound each

# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies, to the fish, one pound each

# One pound each, one pound each. #

That's awesome.

APPLAUSE

Right, I tell you what, Seal has aged badly, hasn't he?

I think that's what he's selling!

So, yes, they have all put on fake stammers except Ed Balls,

who has a genuine one.

Roger Daltrey stuttered on the song My Generation.

According to a history of The Who...

Showing the kind of moral vigilance

that served Top Of The Pops so well in the '70s.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

the Leveson Inquiry Report.

It's a cracking read!

I won't give away what happens in the end,

but I'm guessing bugger all.

And we start with...

Lord Sugar suffered from diabetes.

It's actually...

Next...

..run News International.

MILES: ..organise a piss-up in a brewery.

..get his car pregnant.

It's actually...

Oh, yes!

Here he is, we've got a picture of him.

He answered the iron, thinking it was a phone.

Yeah, he thought it was a phone. Next...

MILES: One way to avoid flooding and three ways to kill time.

Live to be 100.

-Oh, no!

-Yes!

Yes, it is. 50 ways to live to 100.

This is from The Daily Mail,

who say that another thing that keeps men alive is frequent orgasm.

Bad news. Those wankers at the Mail are going to live forever.

Next...

RICHARD: Is it, "Yah booh, you're a wonderful Vietnamese cleaner,

"but I'm going to have to let you go?"

APPLAUSE

RICHARD: Is it, "You're a politician?"

It is. That is exactly right.

Next...

MILES: ..voucher for complimentary spa break.

RICHARD: Is it a photograph of himself holding a carrot?

Dirty devil! "Sends a donkey an ill-fitting dress."

More surreal than that.

A fitting dress, a well-fitting dress!

Now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...!

This is the story that the world tennis number one Novak Djokovic

has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.

Make of that what you will.

I would make, maybe, a souffle...

APPLAUSE

It would be a big souffle!

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Miles have five, whilst Ian and Richard have nine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Paul and Miles have this...

RICHARD: I'm sure he was here earlier.

While tiptoeing on lady's shoulders, dog excretes man.

-Ian and Richard, you get this one.

-Oh, yes.

MILES: Is it, "Excessive use of Viagra

"renders press-ups almost impossible?"

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Richard Osman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp,

and I leave you with news that in East London,

children are distracted whilst their primary school is closed down...

..in London, staff at HM Revenue and Customs

prepare an updated tax bill for Starbucks...

..and Channel 4 announce that the format

for Alan Carr's Chatty Man has been sold to Chinese television.

Good night.