Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 9

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Transcript


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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Charlotte Church. In the news this week...

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During a particularly bad hangover,

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Prince Harry's butler is sent out to get an extra-large espresso...

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In Texas, having ditched performance-enhancing drugs,

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a new-look Lance Armstrong starts training for the Tour de France...

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And round the back of a beauticians' in Knightsbridge,

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there's evidence that Rebekah Brooks

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celebrated her multi-million pound pay-off with a bikini wax.

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LAUGHTER

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With Ian tonight is a co-presenter of the quiz show Pointless,

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where the aim is to score as few points as possible.

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At last, a show Ian could win. Please welcome Richard Osman.

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Hiya.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul is a comedian and actor

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who stars in the BAFTA-winning sitcom, Rev.

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But he's still happy to do shows like this just for the money,

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so he's a vicar AND a tart. Please welcome Miles Jupp.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

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Oh, yes, OK. This is the controversy...

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-There's Boris.

-Winning in Vegas.

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Indeed, and there's a man, alone. But...

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Oh! Not alone for long.

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I think this is the story about

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whether gay people are human beings or not.

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If they are, they have equal rights and should be able to get married,

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and if they're not, they can't.

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That's right. This is the row over legalising gay marriage,

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which threatens to rend the Tory Party asunder.

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-So, who's behind it?

-Um...

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That's quite a question, with those Tory backbenchers(!)

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Ignoring the answer that would fill other, lesser shows,

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I would say...

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I don't know. Who is?

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-It's Cameron-Clegg.

-Cameron-Clegg.

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-Cameron-Clegg, a gay married couple.

-Yes...

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And what is the Tory MP Peter Bone's big problem?

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Er...his name.

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He's...he's against it.

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Yes. It's also that he's protesting

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that neither the Tories, Labour, or the Lib Dems

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even mentioned legalising gay marriage in their manifestos.

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I know it's childish, but every time David Cameron says on gay marriage

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that he's got a mandate, it makes me laugh.

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So, what was the compromise position the Government have worked out?

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You can't ask these questions!

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They CAN get married in church,

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but they have to keep the lights off, so people can't see them.

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The churches that don't want to do it, don't have to.

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That's the compromise.

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And it seems they've come up with the solution that pleases no-one.

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They've also changed the Equality Act,

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so you can't sue a vicar for not marrying a gay couple.

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"Can't sue a vicar," that's a great phrase, isn't it?

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You can imagine vicars running around,

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"Ooh! Can't sue a vicar! Can't sue a vicar!"

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Do you always act them as camp, or...?

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I've got four or five vicars in my repertoire, Ian...

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-Oh, right.

-..one of whom is unbelievably butch.

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So, one Tory MP opposed to gay marriage, David Davies,

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caused a stir when he said most people wouldn't want gay children.

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So, how did he prove that he isn't, in fact, homophobic?

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-MILES: He once hit a gay man.

-Yeah, but how?

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In the ring, in a boxing ring.

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Indeed. Can you remember what his name was?

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-RICHARD: Yes, the Pink Pounder.

-It was. Very good.

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David Davies punched out a gay man, so he's not homophobic.

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-That's how we know that.

-Yes. Really.

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Took some punishment in the ring, I suspect, but...

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Nice!

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APPLAUSE

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I'm sorry.

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So, he actually tweeted...

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..is what he said, which, of course, puts all of our minds at ease,

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that he isn't homophobic.

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-He's an MP in Wales, isn't he?

-Yeah.

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-Yes.

-In Monmouth?

-Monmouth, yeah.

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-I've met him, actually.

-Nice guy?

-Er...

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He seemed perfectly reasonable. I got no sense of homophobia from him,

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but then, why would I?

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I never tried to box him, or anything like that.

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He goes to church with my parents-in-law.

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I don't want to cause any sort of...awkward politics.

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I once gave him directions while I was doing some light gardening.

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So, why has the Government raised this issue now?

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It's happening now because Cameron and his wife,

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they looked at their mantelpiece, and they thought,

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"We used to have loads of wedding invitations and now there's...

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"Everyone we know is already married, or awaiting sentence."

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I think the real reason he's doing it is it's just distracting.

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It's like being in America.

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You do politics about things that aren't happening...

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Just to make us stop thinking about

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the economic shit pit of a situation that we have.

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-Is that a technical term?

-Absolutely!

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-Or is it Welsh?

-No.

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So, meanwhile, what has the Government not been doing

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while the gay marriage row has been going on?

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Apart from not looking at the economy properly...

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-They've been doing the census. Not that?

-No, not that.

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-Responding to the Leveson Report.

-Oh, yes!

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So, after Cameron told the newspaper editors off

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and demanded that they come up with some ideas

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about regulating themselves, what did the editors do?

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They went off and had a big lunch.

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-Were you invited to this big blowout?

-No.

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-Funny that, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is. I mean, I was there.

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-You were there as well?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Were you? Yes, yes.

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Yes. It was fun, it was good.

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-It was brilliant. The Pink Pounder came along...

-It was great.

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-Weren't you really annoyed?

-No, I didn't care at all.

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I gave my evidence to Leveson.

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I've said the same thing all the way through. They know what I think...

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and Private Eye was not criticised in the Leveson Report.

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In fact, he...he was quite kind.

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And you're not interested enough in wider journalism?

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-Only your own interests...?

-Of course. Don't be stupid.

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But, Leveson's got interesting, because...

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RICHARD: Wow. That is interesting.

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Our party would have been amazing if someone had come along and done that.

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Is that essentially Gangnam Style? Is that what that was?

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It's good, it was very close. You know Gangnam Style?

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Yes, I know Gangnam Style! Who am I kidding?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, why has it become very interesting?

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It's become interesting because The Telegraph had a story

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about the Culture Secretary and her expenses...

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-Maria Miller? Milner?

-Maria Miller.

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She's been claiming rent on this house where her parents live,

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and you're not really allowed to do this,

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and when other MPs did it, they got fairly violently criticised.

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But she's the Culture Secretary, so the Telegraph rang her up

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and said, "We've got this story about you

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"and the expenses on your house," and her aide said,

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"I should warn you that, you know,

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"the Culture Secretary is looking at the Leveson Report..."

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Ooh...

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And then they did it again.

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They rang the Prime Minister's office and, again,

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HIS communications bloke said,

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"I should warn you that Maria Miller is looking at Leveson."

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-So, there was a bit of a threat...

-A veiled threat...

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..that if you do this sort of journalistic thing of pointing out

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where we're fiddling expenses, we might crack down on you,

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and introduce a law.

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They said it wasn't a threat, though. They just mentioned Leveson,

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in the way that the frightening man in the pub

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might mention the quality of hospital food.

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We should point out that Maria Miller was claiming expenses

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on her second home, and denies any wrongdoing.

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Yeah, how stupid of anyone to infer

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that there was something dodgy in it(!)

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I think she should be exonerated.

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-Is that the word I mean?

-Exonerated?

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What's it when they tie you up and put electricity through you?

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And let's not forget Rebekah Brooks.

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What did we learn about her this week?

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She's getting more money than we thought.

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Instead of nine million, she's getting eleven.

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How much did the victims of phone hacking get?

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Somewhere between 30,000 and...

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Our payoff, as in me and my family, was one of the biggest payoffs,

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we got 600,000, between me, my mother and my father.

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-So, she gets 20 times more than you do...?

-Yeah...

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-WHISPERS:

-Bitch.

-..to keep quiet.

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I'm sure there were other bits in the document.

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-She gets all legal costs as well, doesn't she?

-Yeah.

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-Unless she's found guilty.

-Right, and then she gets double?

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There's a fantastic bit of evidence in the Leveson Report,

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I just have to bring this up, involving Charlotte.

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-It's about when you sung at Rupert Murdoch's wedding.

-Yes, yes.

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And...the request came through for you to sing Pie Jesu,

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which is from Faure's Requiem,

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-and you pointed out this was a funeral...dirge.

-Yes.

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And at the time, you say in your evidence, you've no idea why.

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But I know. Because the party was organised by his young wife.

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Right...

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How did it go down? Were you a storm on the yacht?

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Yeah, apart from Pie Jesu, really.

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-They didn't like that one?

-No.

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Who were you most surprised to see there,

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that turned out to be part of that sort of power group?

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I didn't know who any of them were!

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RICHARD: Bobby Davro, I bet, was there.

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OK. So, on the subject of privacy,

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whose relationship did we find out too much about this week?

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-It has to do with Twitter.

-MILES: Oh, the Bercows.

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Presumably most weeks someone finds out too much

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-about Bercows on Twitter.

-What have they been up to this week?

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-Well, surprisingly...

-He knows.

-Oh.

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I think they've had an anniversary of some sort and...

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RICHARD: Wedding anniversary, I think.

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A Wedding anniversary. Right, OK, not the anniversary of,

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I don't know, a killing spree they'd been on.

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That's March the 17th.

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LAUGHTER

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"The night we bathed our love in blood."

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She tweeted...

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So, what did we learn about marriage from the last 2011 census?

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-It's not very popular any more.

-Yeah, less people getting married.

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Apart from Polish people, that's about it.

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-Less than half of the UK population now bother with it, apparently.

-Oh!

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And that's literally just the women. That's the weird thing.

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That's what they can't work out.

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So, what did we learn about the ethnic mix of the UK?

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-MILES: It's changed.

-Yes...

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-as is reflected by the panel tonight.

-Yep.

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Yeah, apparently it is changing fast.

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White people are now in a minority in London...

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White BRITISH in a minority in London.

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White people generally are still in a majority,

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because of the Polish and the Ukrainians.

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But whereabouts in the population is 95% White British?

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-Wales.

-Quite right. But we do love strangers, honest.

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It's true.

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It's all the Celtic fringes.

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Scotland, Wales, the West Country.

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Mostly White. Still.

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That sounds like a racist weather forecast.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Dark clouds coming over...

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We could just sit here all day trotting out boring statistics...

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-We could do(!)

-I feel like we have done.

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-So, I've invented quite a boring game...

-Oh, great.

-Lovely.

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..we can play with statistics, called Pointless.

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You have to try and guess which is the lowest number

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-in the categories I'm going to give you.

-Fantastic.

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Over half a million people surveyed

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said that they were from a minority religion.

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So, here are five of the religions

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closest to being pointless.

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Wicca is part of the craft movement,

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-is that right?

-Yeah, that's right.

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So, Ian and Richard, you go first.

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Well, I think that the Heavy Metal

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and Satanism will split

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-a particular vote.

-Yeah.

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I think Satanism will be

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the lowest-scoring of those.

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OK, so let's see what percentage of people picked Satanism.

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INDISTINCT CHATTER

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-Ooh!

-Ooh!

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-That's good.

-Is that good?

-That's good.

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Very pointless.

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Oh, I tell you what, this is exciting!

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OK, Paul and Miles, your turn.

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OK, I would say Heavy Metal. What do

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-you think?

-I think you're right.

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It's not a type of religion, it's a type of...

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-Well, it's a type of metal, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

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We're going to go for Heavy Metal.

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OK, let's see what Heavy Metal has.

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MILES: Doing well so far.

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Yeah. Excited face.

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-AUDIENCE GROAN

-1.2. Almost. It was close.

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What an extraordinary noise!

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Here's the list of all the answers.

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We couldn't have won anyway, then.

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So, that means Ian and Richard were

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closest to pointless. Well done.

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You get a point.

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APPLAUSE

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-Now, it's only a couple of weeks until Christmas...

-Yes.

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..but where wasn't Jesus welcomed this week?

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Oh, in a darts tournament.

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This was... Yes...

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Jesus turned up and, unfortunately, lots of people were quite drunk.

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So Jesus, instead of spreading the Word,

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was escorted out of the building by security guards.

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-Right.

-Did you say he WASN'T actually Jesus?

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-No, he WAS Jesus.

-Oh, he was. He was Jesus.

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How did I miss the Second Coming?!

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You're not interested in darts!

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He was actually at the Cash Converters Darts Championship final

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at Butlins in Minehead.

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I think we should have a look at it.

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CROWD BOOS

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CROWD CHANTS: Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

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The trouble is, before he turned up, they were drinking water.

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MILES: I'd be pretty happy to lose my deposit on a holiday there,

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I have to say.

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Speaking of premier events in the social calendar,

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which musical opened this week?

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Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical.

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Yes, that is exactly right.

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The Telegraph gave the musical a scathing review -

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"Tawdry, lazy, unedifying, banal and fatuous..."

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were all unavailable for comment.

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If anyone can name me five Spice Girls hits,

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I'm going to give you an extra point.

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-I'll name you ten for two points.

-Whoa! Really? Dude, let's go.

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-Wannabe.

-Yeah.

-Two Become One.

-Uh-huh.

-Say You'll Be There.

-Wow!

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-Spice Up Your Life.

-Yeah.

-Mama.

-Pie Jesu.

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One minute.

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-Mama.

-You said Mama, but that's five.

-Viva Forever.

-Yeah.

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Er...

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-Stop.

-Yeah...

-Goodbye.

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Goodbye... Did it have a little more?

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-No.

-No? OK, sorry.

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-Goodbye.

-And Too Much.

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-Hang on, that's nine.

-OK. Holler.

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Wow, that was incredible!

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APPLAUSE

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Do you ever do anything where you think, "Why did I do that?"

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Yeah, absolutely.

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This show really deserves to be on at 5:15, doesn't it?

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How do you know that? I mean, you're not one of them.

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Yeah, I'm Lofty Spice.

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APPLAUSE

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I was thinking more of Waste Of Spice.

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-AUDIENCE GROAN

-No...the knowledge.

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The knowledge, the knowledge.

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-Richard, I'm afraid I can't give you those two points.

-Really?

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I'm going to have to take away some for you being so unbelievably sad.

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Yeah, that's fine. You know what, that's what I deserve.

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Was it recently a question on your show?

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Er...you know what...? Yes, let's say it was.

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Or do you have a younger sister who bought these records

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-when they came out?

-Let's say both those things are true.

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And did she play them all the time?

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Oh, did she ever(!)

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This is the latest proposals for gay marriage.

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According to a guide to the proposals in the Daily Mail...

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Yes, I been to a few gay clubs, and that's not going to be a problem.

0:17:040:17:09

This week, David Davies, the Tory MP for Monmouth, claimed...

0:17:090:17:13

Well, I don't mind if my kids turn out to be gay,

0:17:160:17:18

just as long as they don't turn out to be Tory MPs.

0:17:180:17:22

The two aren't mutually exclusive!

0:17:220:17:25

Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

0:17:250:17:29

-Oh, Berlusconi is back.

-Yes.

0:17:290:17:31

Like a bald, sex-starved, sex-craved Terminator.

0:17:310:17:36

That looks like a party and a half. Is that the darts at Minehead?

0:17:380:17:43

That's the EU Nobel Prize.

0:17:430:17:45

I think they're playing the EU anthem, and we can't hear it.

0:17:450:17:49

Oh, I think they're maybe playing Spice Up Your Life.

0:17:490:17:53

It got to number one, I think it was...November...

0:17:530:17:56

No, I don't go that deep.

0:17:570:17:59

I bet you do!

0:17:590:18:02

Yeah, Silvio Berlusconi is back.

0:18:020:18:03

He's withdrawn his support for Mario Monti in Italy,

0:18:030:18:06

so they're going to have to hold another election.

0:18:060:18:08

-It's political chaos in Italy.

-This is how democracy works in Europe.

0:18:080:18:12

Mario Monti wasn't elected. He's the person the Germans want...

0:18:120:18:16

and the public wanted Berlusconi,

0:18:160:18:19

-but, sadly, he had a number of issues...

-Yes.

0:18:190:18:22

..as we say. Most of them about 17.

0:18:220:18:26

Absolutely. So, what does Berlusconi say motivated him

0:18:260:18:29

to come out of retirement?

0:18:290:18:31

He's got a new girlfriend. He has!

0:18:310:18:33

She's a local councillor. She's 27.

0:18:330:18:36

Incredibly old! And she's been behind him.

0:18:360:18:38

She ran a campaign saying, "Come back, Silvio."

0:18:380:18:41

She looks like she could handle a wheelie bin complaint.

0:18:410:18:44

According to The Times, he told journalists that...

0:18:450:18:48

Always worth reminding ourselves of the contrast

0:18:540:18:57

with what he was saying just before he left office in 2011...

0:18:570:19:01

He's got another incentive to be Prime Minister.

0:19:060:19:08

Cos if you're Prime Minister, they can't prosecute you for corruption,

0:19:080:19:12

and you can bring in laws that say, "I can't be prosecuted."

0:19:120:19:15

So, it's quite in his interests to be Prime Minister

0:19:150:19:18

at this particular time, because there is a court case going on

0:19:180:19:21

with someone called Ruby the Enchanter,

0:19:210:19:23

who is turning up to court to say she had him

0:19:230:19:26

at one of these Bunga Bunga parties.

0:19:260:19:28

And she was 17 and he was about 100.

0:19:280:19:31

I think she's absolutely...

0:19:310:19:33

-She's called Ruby the Heart Stealer.

-Heart Stealer!

0:19:330:19:35

But Ruby the Enchanter sounds much more interesting. Who is she?

0:19:350:19:39

What was Berlusconi convicted of a few weeks ago?

0:19:390:19:42

Being silly.

0:19:420:19:44

-Tax evasion.

-Tax fraud.

-That's what you always start on.

0:19:440:19:47

He was given a jail sentence and barred from office

0:19:470:19:50

but, of course, this happened in Italy,

0:19:500:19:52

so not only has he not actually gone to prison,

0:19:520:19:54

but he's also running for office again.

0:19:540:19:56

And so, you mentioned the ulterior motive behind his relaunch,

0:19:560:20:00

that he could possibly not have to, you know, deal with any of it.

0:20:000:20:03

He could be immune, yes.

0:20:030:20:04

So, he's involved in two trials.

0:20:040:20:07

Somebody failed to turn up in court, which was Ruby the Heart Stealer.

0:20:070:20:10

She's the exotic dancer that he's alleged to have Bunga Bunga-ed

0:20:100:20:13

when she was just 17.

0:20:130:20:15

-Do you know what her lawyer said?

-MILES: She's at school.

0:20:150:20:19

She's at a College of Further Education.

0:20:190:20:22

It's an apprenticeship.

0:20:220:20:24

She's at Ian's.

0:20:240:20:25

Her lawyer actually said...

0:20:280:20:30

So, is the dirty old bastard...?

0:20:340:20:37

-Sorry.

-Dirty old...?!

0:20:370:20:39

He's sitting right here.

0:20:390:20:42

APPLAUSE

0:20:420:20:45

..I mean, the respected international statesman.

0:20:460:20:49

Is he likely to win?

0:20:490:20:51

-Definitely.

-He could win.

0:20:510:20:53

-He's quite a long way behind in the polls, though.

-Yeah.

0:20:530:20:55

And in other European news, what did Nick Clegg pick up this week?

0:20:550:21:00

The Nobel Prize. He was there.

0:21:000:21:02

Everybody sent their top people.

0:21:020:21:04

Angela Merkel was there from Germany...

0:21:040:21:06

Er...

0:21:060:21:07

Dominic Hollande from France...

0:21:070:21:09

Not Dominic Hollande. Dominic Holland is a stand-up comedian.

0:21:090:21:13

-Is he?

-I think you mean Francois Hollande.

0:21:130:21:16

Francois Hollande!

0:21:160:21:18

-Dominic Holland. Did he go?

-Yeah, he was there.

-He's very funny.

0:21:180:21:22

-He was doing the warm-up.

-Yeah.

0:21:220:21:24

He's very good. Who else was there?

0:21:240:21:26

There was Van Rompuy and all the main guys of the EU.

0:21:260:21:29

But I think about six countries didn't send their proper leaders,

0:21:290:21:32

including us. We sent Nick Clegg instead.

0:21:320:21:34

What did Cameron compare his approach

0:21:340:21:36

to Britain's role in Europe to?

0:21:360:21:38

-Think about Sting.

-RICHARD: Think about Sting?

0:21:380:21:41

What's Sting famous for?

0:21:410:21:42

Leaving the Police.

0:21:420:21:45

-Tantric sex, but it can't be that.

-It is.

-Is it?!

-What?!

0:21:450:21:48

He compared it to tantric sex. He said...

0:21:480:21:50

Are you sure it wasn't tantric yoga? It's not always sex.

0:21:590:22:05

Well, what about the last line? How do you explain that, Ian?

0:22:050:22:08

Yes! How DO you explain that?

0:22:080:22:11

Do you really expect the court to believe this tissue of lies?

0:22:110:22:15

Send him down!

0:22:150:22:18

Oh, don't. I'm having a flashback.

0:22:180:22:21

Meanwhile, the Conservative Euro row rumbled on this week.

0:22:210:22:25

David Cameron warned of big risks if Britain were to leave the EU,

0:22:250:22:28

but stay in the single market.

0:22:280:22:31

He said something once again, quite idiotic.

0:22:310:22:33

-I get the feeling you're not a fan.

-Not particularly, no.

0:22:330:22:36

-Did you meet him?

-I did.

0:22:360:22:37

You've met them all. George Bush, the Pope...

0:22:370:22:40

Where did he rate?

0:22:400:22:42

I'd go low.

0:22:420:22:43

Low. Low on the world leader scale.

0:22:430:22:45

So, below Bush?

0:22:450:22:47

Oh...

0:22:470:22:48

That's low. That's low.

0:22:480:22:51

He asked me what state Wales was in.

0:22:510:22:54

-Yeah, so, not that bad...

-Did you say "terrible?"

0:22:540:22:58

APPLAUSE

0:22:580:23:00

No, thank you very much, Ian!

0:23:000:23:03

Shall I tell you? He warned...

0:23:030:23:05

An obsolete office technology?

0:23:080:23:12

They're his worries right now.

0:23:120:23:14

Has anyone told Lord Sugar? He's back!

0:23:140:23:17

Boris Johnson entered the European debate. What's he been saying?

0:23:170:23:20

He's been saying, "Vote for me, I'll be Prime Minister."

0:23:200:23:22

Apart from that.

0:23:220:23:24

He said we've got to be robust. We could have a two-tier Europe.

0:23:240:23:28

Us here, not being part of the Euro. Them there, being part of the Euro.

0:23:280:23:32

-It's not very controversial.

-Yeah, he said...

0:23:320:23:35

Well, according to The Telegraph,

0:23:350:23:36

Boris said the Prime Minister should offer...

0:23:360:23:39

So, not the first time Boris has made that sort of suggestion.

0:23:420:23:45

I always think Boris Johnson would make more sense as a person

0:23:450:23:49

if he was wearing pyjamas.

0:23:490:23:52

Yeah, I agree!

0:23:520:23:53

He could totally join you on Balamory, as well.

0:23:530:23:56

I think he'd struggle to learn the lines.

0:23:560:23:59

It's pretty tricky stuff.

0:23:590:24:02

This is the possible return to Italian politics

0:24:020:24:05

for Silvio Berlusconi, who's come back from the grave

0:24:050:24:08

more often than Yasser Arafat.

0:24:080:24:10

Also this week, the EU picked up the Nobel Peace Prize.

0:24:120:24:16

According to the chairman of the Prize Committee, Europe is now...

0:24:160:24:20

Now, there's a man who's never been to Magaluf!

0:24:220:24:25

And so, to Round Two, the strength-o-meter of news.

0:24:280:24:31

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

0:24:310:24:34

BUZZER

0:24:370:24:39

Yes, this is the... They're building a long-range missile.

0:24:390:24:42

I don't know whether it can reach in London,

0:24:420:24:44

but we seem to be happy to make jokes about it at the moment.

0:24:440:24:47

That's right. This is the news that North Korea has launched a rocket.

0:24:470:24:50

Shall we see the restrained manner

0:24:500:24:52

in which the impartial North Korean broadcaster

0:24:520:24:54

-announced the launch of the rocket?

-Oh, yes.

0:24:540:24:57

SHE SPEAKS KOREAN VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY

0:24:570:25:03

So, what have the North Koreans claimed the rocket was for?

0:25:050:25:07

Launching a communications satellite,

0:25:070:25:10

as pioneered by Arthur C Clarke in the 1940s.

0:25:100:25:12

Do you have any idea what it was called?

0:25:120:25:14

Yes, Barry. Barry Watson.

0:25:140:25:17

It was actually called...

0:25:170:25:20

That's Korean for Barry Watson 3.

0:25:220:25:25

On the subject of things being launched into the sky,

0:25:250:25:28

does anyone know what caused a stir in Sudan this week?

0:25:280:25:30

A human cannonball...

0:25:300:25:32

It was an Israeli vulture which, according to The Daily Telegraph,

0:25:320:25:35

was captured by Sudanese officials on grounds that the bird was...

0:25:350:25:39

Any idea what his code-name is?

0:25:430:25:45

-RICHARD: What, the vulture?

-Yeah, he's got a code-name.

0:25:450:25:48

Well, then he probably is a spy.

0:25:480:25:50

This is true.

0:25:500:25:52

It's Barry Watson!

0:25:530:25:56

He's actually known as...

0:25:560:25:58

RICHARD: Oh, I was going to say that!

0:25:580:26:00

Yes, this is the preamble to World War Three.

0:26:000:26:03

Kim Jong-un insists the launch is part of their space programme.

0:26:030:26:07

The next stage is to send a dog up into space.

0:26:070:26:09

If all goes well,

0:26:090:26:11

the North Korean scientists hope it will crisp up nicely on re-entry.

0:26:110:26:15

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:26:160:26:19

BUZZER

0:26:230:26:24

That's the Queen. Is she going to do her Christmas message in 3-D?

0:26:240:26:28

-That's exactly right.

-I know she always does it in 3-D,

0:26:280:26:31

-but it's going to be broadcast in 3-D.

-I know.

0:26:310:26:35

What will Her Majesty's faithful subjects need,

0:26:350:26:38

to see her in 3-D?

0:26:380:26:39

3-D glasses?

0:26:390:26:41

A screen?

0:26:410:26:42

Yes, although there is an easier way to experience a 3-D Queen.

0:26:420:26:47

Just look at the back of a coin or for a fuller effect,

0:26:470:26:50

take some LSD and stare at a stamp.

0:26:500:26:52

So, which non-member of the Royal family

0:26:540:26:57

doesn't have much reason to celebrate this Christmas?

0:26:570:27:00

-Non-member?

-That's an awful lot of people, isn't it?

0:27:000:27:03

-Pippa Middleton.

-That's right.

0:27:030:27:06

She's not celebrating, because...

0:27:060:27:08

Why is she not celebrating? What's wrong with her?

0:27:080:27:10

Because her book hasn't sold very well.

0:27:100:27:12

She did a book of party tips.

0:27:120:27:14

No, she produced this book,

0:27:140:27:16

which a lot of people thought was a bit self-evident.

0:27:160:27:19

It was a guide to having a party.

0:27:190:27:21

It said things like, "Invite some friends round. Give them a drink."

0:27:210:27:25

-RICHARD: "Don't forget to open the door."

-Yes.

0:27:250:27:28

"The clear liquid that pours from the ironworks in your kitchen

0:27:300:27:33

"is drinkable."

0:27:330:27:35

It's Pippa Middleton, whose book, Celebrate,

0:27:350:27:38

has been condemned to bargain bins after dismal sales,

0:27:380:27:40

despite much publicity and a reported advance of £400,000.

0:27:400:27:44

Wow, worse than Conrad Black's!

0:27:440:27:46

-A FEW PEOPLE TITTER

-Thank you very much.

0:27:460:27:49

I wouldn't open with that at Butlins Minehead.

0:27:490:27:52

So, which books are currently proving more popular than Pip's?

0:27:520:27:56

Nearly all books.

0:27:560:27:58

-The Highway Code.

-Yes! Quite right.

0:27:580:28:00

I've done a Christmas book. I'm not going to talk about it, though.

0:28:000:28:03

-Really?

-Oh, go on.

-No, it would be awful.

0:28:030:28:05

-Is it about the Spice Girls?

-What is it?

0:28:050:28:08

The Ten Singles That Changed My Life.

0:28:080:28:11

Again, let's say it is.

0:28:110:28:13

It's a Tom Daley calendar as well, and a children's book...

0:28:130:28:16

The Cat That Threw Up The August Bank Holiday.

0:28:190:28:22

Actually, I'd read that book. I'll start writing it.

0:28:240:28:27

The Dog Who Sweated St Swithin's Day.

0:28:270:28:30

Finally...

0:28:300:28:32

We should do this for hours!

0:28:320:28:34

So, this is the news that, for the first time ever,

0:28:340:28:36

the Queen's Christmas message will be broadcast in 3-D.

0:28:360:28:40

According to The Express, Prince Andrew once said...

0:28:400:28:43

Well, that's what she says.

0:28:460:28:47

She's actually watching Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies.

0:28:470:28:50

The Queen is known as the nation's favourite grandmother,

0:28:500:28:53

largely because you only have to listen to her

0:28:530:28:56

for ten minutes at Christmas.

0:28:560:28:58

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:28:580:29:00

BUZZER

0:29:020:29:03

-RICHARD: Is it the monkey in IKEA?

-It's not a monkey in IKEA.

0:29:030:29:06

60 years since the smog that killed people...

0:29:060:29:08

Well, certainly, people in London died.

0:29:080:29:10

-I'd imagine elsewhere as well.

-No.

0:29:100:29:12

It's a very interesting story, but it's nothing to do with that at all.

0:29:120:29:16

This is news that humming can solve crimes.

0:29:160:29:19

Sherlock Hums?

0:29:190:29:22

They do it with children all the time, don't they?

0:29:220:29:24

They play a certain noise that children can hear and adults can't,

0:29:240:29:27

so they don't hang around outside shops.

0:29:270:29:29

It wasn't just humming, it was classical music.

0:29:290:29:32

-It drove kids away...

-Really?!

0:29:320:29:34

If you play it in your shop, they don't go.

0:29:340:29:36

-I expect you're on a loop.

-Oh, Christ!

0:29:360:29:39

It's actually the background noise on any sound recording

0:29:390:29:42

has a unique fingerprint caused by nearby sources of electricity.

0:29:420:29:46

This can be checked against...

0:29:460:29:48

..which Richard kindly donated

0:29:500:29:52

from audience reactions to jokes made on Pointless.

0:29:520:29:56

Oh, dear. I wish that wasn't true.

0:29:560:30:00

They can establish the authenticity of any recording

0:30:000:30:02

and can work out the exact time and date that the recording was made.

0:30:020:30:06

-So, would you like to hear a typical hum?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

0:30:060:30:10

ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK BUZZES

0:30:100:30:13

BUZZER RICHARD: It's 1984.

0:30:180:30:20

What do the people behind the idea hope to do next?

0:30:210:30:24

Sell it to somebody more gullible than they are!

0:30:240:30:27

They hope to learn more about each hum.

0:30:270:30:30

I think we're missing something essential in this story.

0:30:300:30:32

MILES: The enjoyment factor.

0:30:320:30:36

Can you imagine any way that you'd be able

0:30:360:30:38

to fight the hum, beat the hum?

0:30:380:30:40

Yeah, you'd hum yourself over it.

0:30:400:30:43

I should imagine anything you did that was vocal,

0:30:430:30:45

a human sound would be quite different from any sort of

0:30:450:30:48

electronic sound.

0:30:480:30:49

Hoover.

0:30:490:30:50

If you're carrying out a burglary always Hoover.

0:30:500:30:52

Hoover as you're going in cos they'll think you're the cleaner.

0:30:540:30:57

According to Wikipedia an electrical hum can be

0:30:570:31:00

cancelled using a technique called...

0:31:000:31:01

What on earth that consists of, I have no idea.

0:31:040:31:07

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:31:070:31:11

BELL

0:31:130:31:14

This monkey went to IKEA.

0:31:140:31:17

Couldn't find anything, the staff were really unhelpful...

0:31:170:31:21

He had a terrible time, he had to collect everything at the back...

0:31:210:31:24

MILES: The pencils must have seemed massive to him, mustn't they?

0:31:240:31:27

-He doesn't look happy, though.

-RICHARD: Well, look at his coat!

0:31:270:31:30

This was a monkey wearing a jacket,

0:31:300:31:32

who wandered into a branch of IKEA in Toronto this week.

0:31:320:31:36

Do you know what the monkey has been called?

0:31:360:31:38

Barry Watson. No?

0:31:380:31:40

-I think he's called Darwin, isn't he?

-That's right.

-Darwin?!

0:31:400:31:44

Who did The Sun compare Darwin to?

0:31:440:31:46

He looks like John Motson. Is it John Motson?

0:31:460:31:49

-It was Liam Gallagher.

-Oasis?

0:31:510:31:53

I'm not sure who should be consulting their lawyers first.

0:31:550:31:59

How did he get there?

0:32:000:32:02

Well, his brother was in a band first of all...

0:32:020:32:04

APPLAUSE

0:32:060:32:08

-He was in the back of a car.

-Yeah, he escaped.

0:32:110:32:14

His owner is a lady called Yasmin Nakhuda,

0:32:140:32:17

who is trying to get the monkey back as, according to her,

0:32:170:32:20

she has mothered him for the past five months.

0:32:200:32:23

They did everything together...

0:32:230:32:25

I hope they didn't get up to any monkey business,

0:32:270:32:29

as...that's how AIDS started.

0:32:290:32:32

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:32:340:32:36

-What a surprising turn the evening has taken!

-Yeah.

0:32:380:32:41

And finally, what did this man do to save the police a job?

0:32:430:32:46

MILES: Oh, his genitals light up.

0:32:490:32:51

-Alternately?

-That's right.

0:32:550:32:56

APPLAUSE

0:32:560:32:59

Was he having a secret affair with a passenger in the back of the van?

0:33:000:33:05

-And she's strapped to the roof inside.

-No!

0:33:050:33:08

And her husband's driving, and he doesn't have a rear-view mirror,

0:33:080:33:10

so he doesn't know what's going on.

0:33:100:33:12

"I'm just looking for the sweets, love."

0:33:120:33:15

-Did he arrest this bloke? He stopped the car.

-Yes, he stopped this car.

0:33:170:33:20

Which was speeding? Which was burglaring?

0:33:200:33:22

He spotted two thieves breaking into this van in Paris,

0:33:220:33:25

and he ran after them and managed to jump on top of it.

0:33:250:33:28

At a traffic light, he accosted one of the thieves,

0:33:280:33:30

and the other one ran off.

0:33:300:33:31

-And at what point did he lose his trousers?

-Well, yes...

0:33:310:33:35

Apparently he saw the thieves from his hotel room,

0:33:360:33:39

so didn't have time to put his trousers on.

0:33:390:33:42

Why would you wear trousers in a hotel?

0:33:420:33:45

-You pay for the room,

-BLEEPing

-take them off!

0:33:450:33:48

That's what the trouser press is there for. Use it! Use it!

0:33:480:33:52

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Your four are...

0:33:520:33:56

Roger Daltrey, Mel Blanc,

0:33:560:33:59

Michelle Obama, and Ed Balls.

0:33:590:34:01

I think it must be something to do with stutters, stammers.

0:34:010:34:04

Well, certainly Mel Blanc and Roger Daltrey

0:34:040:34:06

pretended to have stutters for professional reasons.

0:34:060:34:10

So, maybe Ed Balls pretended to have a stutter, but didn't,

0:34:100:34:12

and the only one that really did was Michelle Obama, who's cured it.

0:34:120:34:15

He's got a real stammer, Ed Balls, so he must be the odd one out.

0:34:150:34:18

He's real, the others have all faked it.

0:34:180:34:20

Yes, so they've all put on fake stammers, except Ed Balls

0:34:200:34:23

who, last week, blamed his poor performance in the Commons

0:34:230:34:25

-on his genuine stammer.

-Ah!

0:34:250:34:27

Mel Blanc put on a false stammer

0:34:270:34:29

when he voiced the popular cartoon character Porky Pig.

0:34:290:34:32

So, Paul, how did Porky Pig's stammer go?

0:34:320:34:34

He would start, and then do a little bit of a stammer, but never...

0:34:340:34:37

He would go... "P-p-p-p-p..." and then say the word.

0:34:370:34:39

"P-p-p-p-p-pepperoni," things like that. Well, not pepperoni,

0:34:390:34:42

because that would be a cousin of his.

0:34:420:34:44

You know what I'm saying.

0:34:460:34:48

-Did anyone see Ed Balls' appearance on the X Factor?

-No!

0:34:480:34:52

He wasn't actually there in person,

0:34:520:34:54

but they did read out one of his tweets,

0:34:540:34:56

in which he'd written...

0:34:560:34:58

Did he then tweet, "Wow, my tweet was just read out on the X Factor?"

0:35:050:35:09

He tweeted Nicole Sherzinger to say...

0:35:090:35:11

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:35:160:35:17

Ed.

0:35:170:35:19

-Do you think you could concentrate on the

-BLEEP

-economy? Thanks.

0:35:190:35:23

-Or

-BLEEP

-the economy!

-Yeah!

0:35:230:35:25

Wasn't there a story about David Cameron this week,

0:35:270:35:29

talking about his daughter?

0:35:290:35:31

She was very keen that he should vote for Will Young

0:35:310:35:33

in the first of the Britain's Got Talent shows.

0:35:330:35:35

He got the wrong... I think he was on X Factor...

0:35:350:35:37

He said it was the X Factor.

0:35:370:35:38

That was Pop Idol! That was donkey's years ago.

0:35:380:35:40

-Well, those shows are very similar, but...

-What?!

0:35:400:35:42

-Well, Pop Idol...

-Very different. Very different.

-Are they?

0:35:420:35:46

I just see a bunch of people

0:35:480:35:49

mercilessly exploited by the music business...

0:35:490:35:52

Oh, that bit's the same.

0:35:520:35:55

No, but wasn't it before she was born?

0:35:550:35:57

Two years before she was born, I think.

0:35:570:35:59

-Pop Idol was in 2002, with Will and Gareth.

-Good knowledge.

0:35:590:36:02

RICHARD: Big shock when Will beat Gareth. Big surprise.

0:36:020:36:05

Ed Balls tweeted, "Just totes amaze."

0:36:050:36:07

RICHARD: What is the song of 2012?

0:36:110:36:13

Oh, crikey, I don't know.

0:36:130:36:14

-So it could be Call Me Maybe.

-It's definitely not Call Me Maybe.

0:36:140:36:17

Oh, it's the One Pound Fish Song.

0:36:170:36:19

-The One Pound Fish Song?

-A FEW PEOPLE LAUGH

0:36:190:36:21

A couple of you.

0:36:210:36:23

-It's really funny, isn't it?

-Do you want to hear it?

0:36:230:36:25

Yes! I'd love to hear it! I love this song.

0:36:250:36:27

# Have a, have a look, one pound fish

0:36:270:36:30

# Have a, have a look, one pound fish

0:36:300:36:32

# Very, very good, one pound fish

0:36:320:36:34

# Very, very cheap, one pound fish

0:36:340:36:36

# Six for a fiver, one pound each

0:36:360:36:39

# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies, to the fish, one pound each

0:36:390:36:43

# One pound each, one pound each. #

0:36:430:36:47

That's awesome.

0:36:470:36:48

APPLAUSE

0:36:480:36:51

Right, I tell you what, Seal has aged badly, hasn't he?

0:36:520:36:56

I think that's what he's selling!

0:36:570:36:59

So, yes, they have all put on fake stammers except Ed Balls,

0:36:590:37:03

who has a genuine one.

0:37:030:37:05

Roger Daltrey stuttered on the song My Generation.

0:37:050:37:08

According to a history of The Who...

0:37:080:37:10

Showing the kind of moral vigilance

0:37:170:37:19

that served Top Of The Pops so well in the '70s.

0:37:190:37:21

APPLAUSE

0:37:230:37:25

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:37:270:37:29

which this week features as its guest publication

0:37:290:37:32

the Leveson Inquiry Report.

0:37:320:37:34

It's a cracking read!

0:37:350:37:36

I won't give away what happens in the end,

0:37:360:37:39

but I'm guessing bugger all.

0:37:390:37:41

And we start with...

0:37:410:37:42

Lord Sugar suffered from diabetes.

0:37:460:37:48

It's actually...

0:37:510:37:52

Next...

0:37:540:37:56

..run News International.

0:37:580:38:01

MILES: ..organise a piss-up in a brewery.

0:38:010:38:03

..get his car pregnant.

0:38:070:38:08

It's actually...

0:38:120:38:13

Oh, yes!

0:38:160:38:18

Here he is, we've got a picture of him.

0:38:180:38:20

He answered the iron, thinking it was a phone.

0:38:220:38:25

Yeah, he thought it was a phone. Next...

0:38:250:38:28

MILES: One way to avoid flooding and three ways to kill time.

0:38:340:38:37

Live to be 100.

0:38:400:38:41

-Oh, no!

-Yes!

0:38:410:38:43

Yes, it is. 50 ways to live to 100.

0:38:430:38:46

This is from The Daily Mail,

0:38:460:38:48

who say that another thing that keeps men alive is frequent orgasm.

0:38:480:38:52

Bad news. Those wankers at the Mail are going to live forever.

0:38:520:38:55

Next...

0:38:570:38:59

RICHARD: Is it, "Yah booh, you're a wonderful Vietnamese cleaner,

0:39:010:39:04

"but I'm going to have to let you go?"

0:39:040:39:06

APPLAUSE

0:39:080:39:10

RICHARD: Is it, "You're a politician?"

0:39:120:39:14

It is. That is exactly right.

0:39:140:39:16

Next...

0:39:160:39:17

MILES: ..voucher for complimentary spa break.

0:39:190:39:21

RICHARD: Is it a photograph of himself holding a carrot?

0:39:230:39:26

Dirty devil! "Sends a donkey an ill-fitting dress."

0:39:280:39:31

More surreal than that.

0:39:310:39:33

A fitting dress, a well-fitting dress!

0:39:330:39:35

Now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...!

0:39:420:39:46

This is the story that the world tennis number one Novak Djokovic

0:39:460:39:50

has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.

0:39:500:39:55

Make of that what you will.

0:39:550:39:58

I would make, maybe, a souffle...

0:39:580:40:00

APPLAUSE

0:40:000:40:02

It would be a big souffle!

0:40:020:40:04

So, the final scores are...

0:40:060:40:08

Paul and Miles have five, whilst Ian and Richard have nine!

0:40:080:40:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:120:40:15

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:190:40:23

Paul and Miles have this...

0:40:230:40:26

RICHARD: I'm sure he was here earlier.

0:40:260:40:28

While tiptoeing on lady's shoulders, dog excretes man.

0:40:340:40:38

-Ian and Richard, you get this one.

-Oh, yes.

0:40:400:40:42

MILES: Is it, "Excessive use of Viagra

0:40:420:40:45

"renders press-ups almost impossible?"

0:40:450:40:47

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists

0:40:490:40:52

Ian Hislop and Richard Osman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp,

0:40:520:40:55

and I leave you with news that in East London,

0:40:550:40:57

children are distracted whilst their primary school is closed down...

0:40:570:41:01

..in London, staff at HM Revenue and Customs

0:41:070:41:10

prepare an updated tax bill for Starbucks...

0:41:100:41:13

..and Channel 4 announce that the format

0:41:170:41:19

for Alan Carr's Chatty Man has been sold to Chinese television.

0:41:190:41:23

Good night.

0:41:270:41:29

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