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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
In the news this week, Andrew Marr announces the shock news
that the Pet Shop Boys have converted to Islam.
Looking out of the bedroom window in his Sheffield constituency,
Nick Clegg regrets saying that he'll be
leader of the Liberal Democrats till the cows come home.
And in Bedfordshire, outside the home of Nadine Dorries,
a reporter is on hand to witness the after-effects
of her Bushtucker Trial.
With Ian tonight is a Scottish comedian who was recently described
as infectious and bubbly,
which either makes her the perfect guest, or she's got the norovirus.
Please welcome Susan Calman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster who recently
published a book about how to get what you want out of life,
which was a great success if what she wanted
was a pile of remaindered books.
Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
-And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
SUSAN: George Osborne. Oh.
It's just Handsome Hunks Friday.
This is the Autumn Statement, which was quite cheery.
George Osborne announced that it's not as bad as you think.
It's just so gloomy, it's unbelievable. Everything's up -
misery, austerity, poverty.
It sort of makes you yearn for when people said,
"No, things are going to get better and it'll be all right. He just said, "No, it's terrible.
"Until 2018, it's just awful."
-He should have just thrown his paper and gone,
-it. Why bother?"
So, that's his prediction, is it?
No, no. He's changed his predictions.
His previous predictions unfortunately weren't true.
Or didn't come true. His new predictions are much more realistic.
-Yeah, he says it's going to be really awful.
He says there will be negative growth for the end of 2012
which means it's a triple-dip recession.
-Sounds like a delicious ice-cream.
-We have got growth.
We've got the Duchess of Cambridge, she's having growth on our behalf.
And she will be a beacon in my life
as I see my pension fund I started now worth three peanuts and a bauble...
-..as I slowly rot in my shed.
-You're not going to slowly rot in a shed.
Those are comforting words as we approach Christmas.
There's always someone worse off than yourself,
as the Queen often reflects.
What did Ed Balls say about all this?
-He got it all wrong, didn't he?
-He did, yeah.
I didn't see it myself, but he got the opening phrases all a bit wrong.
That was his zinger against the Government.
They just sat there and they laughed at him.
But then there was discussion
about whether all this wasn't down to his stammer.
He said, "It makes it much worse when people shout at me."
It's so stressful and difficult, isn't it,
all the numbers and adding it up
and, "Is it going up or going down?" And, "Who should we tax?"
And then people are shouting at you.
It is very unfair on poor old Ed Balls and it's been months
since he's managed to find time to buy some sausage rolls for himself.
And he's got a terrible job, because he has been saying,
"Look, we don't need to cut the debt this fast."
And the Government's going, "No, we haven't cut it, because we're useless."
So he has to get up and say, "You...haven't..."
"You've failed to do the thing
"I told you would be a disaster if you did it!
-"And it's a disaster!"
No wonder he stammered.
It's basically very sporting of him,
on the day that George Osborne gets up
and shows himself to be an idiot who knows nothing,
to say, "I'll join in with you, George.
"It seems like the alternative is possibly worse."
So essentially, they're two incompetents pointlessly shouting
at each other with no power to change anything for any of us.
-That's a summary, yeah.
-At least they get on.
They're great mates in real life.
Do you want to see them sharing a joke on the Andrew Marr Show?
What's the size of our national debt?
-A trillion, now, isn't it?
-Yes. How many zeros is that?
No, in between.
12 zeros. We used to call that a billion.
-But we should probably go back to that.
-Let's devalue it!
If we go back to the old, British billion,
then we've suddenly got a 1000th of the debt we thought we did.
Would you like to see how the Daily Express explained
-to its readers where all the money goes?
They used this simple diagram.
It's actually very similar budgetary analysis to that which
appeared in the previous day's Guardian.
That's one in the eye for the Express's detractors
who say they haven't got a colour photocopier.
What's happened to the average household?
It's been demolished!
According to Ed Balls, they've lost £20,000.
Down the sofa, or...?
No, well, apparently, its weekly expenditure has gone up.
Average spend per household increased to £483.60 a week
according to the Independent.
Which successful international businessman
and even more successful tax avoider
did George Osborne invite to Downing Street recently?
-Oh, it always is.
But it wasn't on this occasion.
I think Philip Green's probably got an open invitation.
-He can just pop round.
-Is it someone from Google?
-One of the tax avoiders?
-No, it is not.
Although obviously Google ARE tax avoiders.
It's Dr Dre,
who I assume is an eminent surgeon.
Who's been trying to ingratiate themselves with the Exchequer this week?
-They've said they're going to pay some tax.
-It's incredibly good of them.
Consumers all shunned Starbucks
and now they've had a think
and they're going to pay some tax.
They had one of those blinding moments of conscience
where you thought, "I'm going to lose money unless I give in."
And what happened on Monday this week
to show that we weren't going to stand any more
of Amazon's tax avoidance in particular?
It's the biggest day of shopping, online shopping,
in the whole year and they call it something like Cyber Monday.
They call it Mega Monday. Who decided that?
I'm sure it's a press release from them, which is just copied out.
If Woolworths had just put out a press release saying,
"It's Pick'N'Mix Thursday."
"All right, fair enough."
-"It's Bankrupt Wednesday!"
It's an ethical minefield just now of where you get things from.
-An ethical minefield?!
-It's an ethical...
-I thought minefields were unethical.
It's becoming increasingly difficult this Christmas
if you're meant to be, you know, good about things.
Not going to Starbucks, not buying anything from Amazon, not using Google...
What to do for Christmas time. So, this year...
May I suggest a subscription to a popular fortnightly magazine?
I used to go into Starbucks to use the toilets and purchase something.
That's not an option open to me any longer.
I'm having to go places I never thought
I would go to go to the toilet.
Have you thought about having a toilet fitted in your own home?
Actually, one thing we can all do is, without conscience,
use a Starbucks loo whenever we bloody well feel like it.
-Cos we sort of have paid.
You know, particularly if what you want to do, you know,
you wouldn't want to do in your own loo.
There was no let up for people on benefits either.
They're getting a 1% rise before inflation,
so that's actually a 2% cut.
But, you know, it sounds nice.
Do you remember what Osborne said about people on benefits
at the party conference in October?
They're the skivers, not the thrivers.
That's better than what he said. He said...
-SUSAN: Oh, yeah.
-How will any comedy get written?
What can the people of Stevenage tell us
about the sort of desperate times we're in?
"We live in Stevenage."
No, the people of Stevenage have been desperately seeking
a winning lottery ticket for a £64 million jackpot,
which has disappeared. According to the Telegraph...
Well, that will make all the poor people of Stevenage
feel really great(!)
A Lamborghini going past every five minutes,
while they're sitting at home with the blinds drawn.
Can't even afford proper blinds. They have to be drawn.
And what can the people of Europe tell us about these desperate times?
Well, four countries - Poland, Portugal, Greece and Cyprus -
have pulled out of the Eurovision Song Contest in case they win it.
It's very expensive if you win it.
And, obviously, in this country,
we have our own way of ensuring that that doesn't happen!
One Greek official claimed that...
..as he stuffed it down his trousers.
And finally, what did David Cameron do on the doorstep
of Downing Street to cheer us all up this week?
Was he seen delivering his own milk?
What's that a euphemism for?
Um, no, I don't know. What did he do? Did he sort of...
He announced Christmas was early this year? Or brought out the bunting?
Clicked his heels in the air.
He did bring out the bunting, in a way.
-He turned on the Christmas lights.
-In his own house?
-Outside his own house.
In his own private street surrounded by security guards.
Let's have a look.
Four. Three. Two.
It's not the Olympic opening ceremony all over again, is it?
Is not very encouraging for our energy policy, is it?
But the entertainment didn't end there.
Here are some people from the X Factor
and they're going to sing Silent Night.
# Holy infant
# So tender and mild
# Sleep in heavenly peace
# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
Well, they must be from a foreign country because I understood that
Britain's got talent.
It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
So, yes, this is George Osborne's Autumn Statement
that the number of paddles we have available to negotiate
this particular creek has been revised downwards to none.
The Chancellor announced a plan to target super-rich tax evaders.
If you want to go online to find out who the super-rich tax avoiders are,
just go to Google and...it's them.
Of course, we're not the only country taking austerity measures.
According to the BBC News website,
America will soon be facing a fiscal cliff.
Oh, Lord. He hasn't brought out another Christmas single?!
Also this week, it was revealed that the owner of a winning
lottery ticket worth 64 million hasn't come forward.
The ticket was bought in Stevenage or Hitchin,
so if you're watching in either of those two towns,
the numbers are...
And Lucky Star numbers 9 and 11.
Oh, and one other thing, the deadline to claim has passed.
And so to round two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
SUSAN: It's a dog on a motorised scooter.
-If by that you mean this is the news that dogs can drive...
-Then you're right.
-Yes, that's what I said.
-Shall we have a look at a dog driving a car?
Has the RSPCA been informed?
That dog's clearly been stapled to the driving seat.
But when they see another dog passing by,
will they have a tendency to sniff each other's exhaust?
It gives extra legs to Top Gear - Dog In A Reasonably Priced Car.
Maybe that would solve the economy, if we simply swapped with dogs.
-Yeah, make them work.
-They do all the stuff, they can work out the budget...
We go and have a crap in the park and it's their problem.
Clear it up, mate.
What other innovation, apart from dogs replacing humans?
-Is it an animal-based thing?
I don't think dogs will have any use for it when they take over society.
-It's a tie that can do something special.
-Not make soup.
-You can store soup in it.
-Store soup in a tie?
-Good. I want ten of them.
-Well, have a look.
It's a tie that doubles as a flask. You fill it up like this.
Doesn't have to be soup, can be whisky. And then, voila!
You get caught driving home of a night.
"Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking your tie?"
"I let the dog drive."
Yes, it looks like fun, but it's a slippery slope.
Before you know it, you're in the stationery cupboard with a heroine cravat.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
That's Kim Jong-un.
-It is indeed.
-And he's turned into a unicorn which is a story I missed.
It's nearly that odd.
It's a peculiar ball placed at the back, looks like the tube's been
inserted into him. Like one of those fairground things where
a jet of hot air keeps a ping-pong ball in place.
It is in fact the news that a unicorn lair has been discovered...
-..in North Korea.
This is according to the Korean Central News Agency
who in terms of reliability are the Philip Schofield of the Orient.
Yes, they say they've discovered a unicorn's lair.
How do they know it's a unicorn's lair and not someone else's lair?
-Do you mean a unicorn layer or...
-Not like a layer...
-I thought they'd excavated.
Upmarket dessert from Harrods. Layer of unicorn.
That's how you know. It was labelled. It was clearly labelled.
Why MIGHT this be nonsense?
It's possible that unicorns may not have ever existed.
I never like to make broad statements, but...
You know what happened to them. They missed the Ark.
-So they were wiped out because they were unpunctual.
-According to the Telegraph...
Apart from inventing unicorns, what else is North Korea up to?
-It's planning to launch...
-A nuclear bomb.
-..a scary new rocket.
In the British press, it was reported very differently.
The Independent went with...
The Telegraph had...
And the Sun...
The man threatening the world with nuclear Armageddon is,
like his father, notoriously short.
So here we are facing a Cuban heels missile crisis.
That is a joke. According to BBC news...
It's called that because the rocket only goes SOHAE before crashing back to the ground.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
I think it's Lord Leveson, isn't it? There was something they quoted in the report that came
from Wikipedia and they hadn't bothered checking the source of it.
The founder of the Independent, wasn't it?
-They got a completely fictitious person.
-Yes. According to...
It was quite embarrassing when you've done 200 million words
about checking your facts and standards of accuracy,
to quote from Wiki and get it wrong.
I mean, the press haven't behaved awfully well,
but that is quite amusing.
PAUL LAUGHS It was funny because the guy
was only ever in Wikipedia cos his friend put him
in all sorts of entries in Wikipedia as a joke.
His name was Brett Straub.
It said, "The founders of the Independent newspaper were
"Andreas Whittam Smith, Stephen Glover and Brett Straub."
And Lord Leveson wrote this... Well, cut and pasted into the report.
So it's there. And obviously, all the people who've said
we've got to have Leveson in its entirety
means Brett Straub has to become a founder editor of the Independent.
Let's have a look at the three founders according to Lord Leveson.
-Andreas Whittam Smith.
And Brett Straub.
It was a prank whereby Brett's name was inserted every time his friend came across a red link.
Red links on Wikipedia are given to people who are not important enough to have an entry of their own,
which explains why Brett Straub is also the leader of the Lib Dems.
Yes, this is the fallout from the Leveson report.
It emerged that the Leveson report included false information
taken from Wikipedia. Honestly, you'd have thought
Leveson would have learnt to be more thorough
from his years as a detective in Chicago during the Prohibition era.
At least that's what I read on Wikipedia.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Is it a perfume...?
No, it isn't.
When it smells like you've been somewhere else.
It's something to do with how women can tell when men are unfaithful.
Is it a follow-up to Movember?
You just stamp things on your head.
Men are thinking about infidelity all the time. Ten times a day they think about infidelity.
-Why don't they just think about sex?
-I don't know.
-Surely infidelity is more complicated.
It's got more syllables in it, hasn't it? So you can't think about it as often.
Infidelity, infidelity, infidelity. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
This is the news... According to a new study, women can tell
if a man has been unfaithful just by looking at the shape of his face.
Can you explain this rhomboid look, Malcolm?
So, if they've been boffing someone they shouldn't have,
they come out and suddenly they're like...aaaahhh.
There should be a regulator for infidelity, OFBOFF.
According to the Mail...
So, if you're a man, then?
Another pointless study claims to have debunked
a popular myth about men and women this week.
Any idea what that is?
They get on?
This survey, according to the Telegraph, this survey says...
Yes, now what most women do, apparently,
this has been scientifically proven in a study by Penis Monthly.
Women look at a man and look at their, erm...
They automatically look at it.
To see whether or not it is going to do the business for them.
-Can you tell that through trousers?
-No, you can't! I made a terrible mistake.
-She made a terrible mistake!
-I can vouch for the fact...
-She can vouch for it.
I met a bloke who had a square jaw and looked all right, body image.
I had... Obviously I didn't have a fumble or a feel,
but I looked, and I felt reasonably confident...
that I was going to get some exciting action.
Did you say that to yourself? "Janet, I'm reasonably confident."
I am reasonably confident that the evening would end in,
-something worth spending time with.
Well, at least you got something to eat.
A new study...
Have we been recording so long it's turned into Loose Women?
A new study suggests that women ogle women more than men do.
According to the Telegraph, the man behind the study was...
Because if anyone is going to crack the mysteries of human sexual
interaction, it's a computer science PhD student.
At the end of this round, both teams have four points.
Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.
Your four are - Bill Nighy,
Lasha Pataraya and whales.
I think Jonathan Edwards, top right, he's the odd one out
because he's the only one who's gone to seek his fortune in London.
He's got a little stick over his head and a bag...
Bottom left is pulling that truck with his ears - is it about ears?
-It is about ears.
-A whale hasn't got any ears, clearly.
I know that Bill Nighy...
His ears are wonky, that's why his glasses won't go on properly.
-They've all got one ear...
-No, they've all got two ears...
-..apart from him.
-He's got two ears.
One of them's a whale.
There's no doubt that that does work.
But can you pick which one?
The guy on the bottom left is the odd one out because he's been
given his own Channel 5 series where he just pulls things with his ears.
-You've got the right answer, but for the wrong reason.
It's a Channel 4 series?
No, I'll tell you.
They have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their ears,
apart from Lasha Pataraya who used one of his ears to tow an eight-ton truck.
Here he is afterwards.
-What else has he done with his ear?
-I mean similar stuff.
-He's pulled other things.
-Yeah, he's pulled a two-ton bus.
-No, he hasn't.
He's pathetic, actually!
-He's hauled an eight-ton helicopter.
-It was near.
And once he was even sitting next to Janet at a dinner party.
Here he is afterwards.
But yes, so he takes no care of his ears.
Bill Nighy needed medical treatment for his ears after using loo roll.
He used makeshift earplugs to block out
the noise of an nightclub whilst staying in a hotel.
He woke up in the morning finding only one piece.
He told the Sun...
Jonathan Edwards, the ex-athlete and BBC anchorman,
protected his ears from the noise at the London Olympic Village this year
with something usually used to protect something else.
-Do you know what this is?
According to the Daily Star,
he resorted to using the free condoms on offer at the Olympic Village as ear plugs
to drown out his noisy neighbours. Which would have been fine
if he also hadn't used the free ear plugs as contraceptives.
Scientists have discovered that whales can decrease
the sensitivity of their hearing to protect their ears from loud noise.
The good news is this cuts out a lot of man-made noise pollution,
but the bad news is they react slower to a Japanese harpoonist shouting, "There's one!"
Talking of whales, what's happening here?
This is a party of people who have set to sea in that boat
specifically to spot whales.
They've been given some good local knowledge and are looking away from us to spot a whale.
The whale...is behind them. LAUGHTER
It's fantastic. It's off Cork, isn't it?
There were these humpback whales...
Just taking the piss, really.
I would love to hear the conversation they're having, standing there going,
"This is so boring, we're never going to see anything.
"There's nothing here. Did you hear a splash?"
Yes, they have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their ears,
apart from Lasha Pataraya who used one of his ears to tow an eight-ton truck.
According to Metro,
Pataraya is waiting to hear from the Guinness Book of Records.
They're probably phoning him every day.
Take the bandage off, mate.
According to the Daily Star, during the London Olympics...
When the story came out, Jonathan Edwards was teased
mercilessly, much to the amusement of his fellow Olympians.
-You could say he was ribbed for their pleasure.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE
There's no sensible reason for sticking condoms in your ears,
unless I suppose you are trying to prevent the spread of hearing aids.
Time now for the Missing Words round,
which this week features as its guest publication Badger News.
Yeah! Bring it on!
-It's a gas.
We start with...
Yeah. Hungry, cold and parasitical badger
checked over for the following.
It is badger cubs, in fact.
What about the Scouts?
This is...badgering cubs,
a lot of it happened in the '70s but it's not...
-This is an item in...
This is an item in Badger News.
The same article goes on to describe a second incident...
No wonder there's so much bloody crime in this country! Next.
I've seen this written before on a toilet wall
and it was press one for pleasure, press two for more pleasure,
but that's just Scottish service stations for you.
No, it's press one for...
-Is this the National Health Service?
No, this is a hotline set up to cope with the growing
demand for exorcisms.
If you're a worried parent and fear your children may be
possessed by the devil, there's a simple way of finding out.
Listen. They're not.
-It is takes to Twitter.
-Of course the Pope has joined Twitter.
If anyone is in a position to tweet the name of a paedophile, it's him.
Dr Roger Munt's parents say sorry to Dr Roger Munt.
-Is it professional signers for the deaf?
It's a badger one.
-Badgers say sorry.
-The answer is...
This is a report from Badger News of some BMX riders disturbing badgers.
The cyclists apologised, partly for riding their bikes over
a badger sett, but mainly for the crude and abusive word
they shouted at Roger Munt, which rhymed with his name...
Lights out and I'm faced with a button mushroom.
This is about the pandas at Edinburgh Zoo,
whose cages are being darkened to encourage the occupants to copulate.
Next, BBC what...?
The BBC's coverage of non-professional paddling contest
was both shallow and amateurish.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It must be.
This was a complaint about BBC One's Countryfile covered by Badger News.
The letter was addressed to BBC Director-General Mark Thompson,
so very recent really, only three director-generals ago.
Dog with current driving licence is now on the M1.
Dog with no legs is now draught excluder.
The answer is....
She says she loses weight by running on a treadmill in her house
with headphones on and just runs.
Nigella told the Telegraph...
So, coming soon, an exercise DVD that both mums and dads can enjoy.
So, the final scores are, Ian and Susan have five points,
-but Paul and Janet are the winners with six.
On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
and Susan Calman, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
And I leave you with news that in Tirana,
Albania's first luxury spa opens for business...
In Athens, despite the bank refusing to let her withdraw her savings,
one Greek pensioner just won't give up.
In Mumbai, it's revealed that David Cameron personally approved the budget
for Boris Johnson's recent VIP all-expenses paid trip to India...
And at London Zoo, during a star-studded anniversary dinner
in his honour, David Attenborough's anecdotes start to drag on a bit...
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