Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I would like to know why, at the age of 90,

I've had to sign a piece of paper, in order to be on this show,

to say I wasn't pregnant.

APPLAUSE

-Can I move you over just a little?

-Oh!

-There we go.

Be careful - she's pregnant!

-YOU should know!

-I... Well!

APPLAUSE

It's going to be that sort of show, is it?!

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,

after receiving the-long awaited Leveson Report,

David Cameron takes immediate action.

At a casting session for The Magic Roundabout Musical,

Nigel Havers really nails his audition for the part of Zebedee.

And at River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

is spotted coming home from John Lewis with a brand-new meat cleaver.

SHEEP SCREAMS

With Ian is a member of the House of Lords

and the oldest guest we have ever had on this show.

It would be ungallant of me to tell you Her Ladyship's age,

so let's just say she was born before this programme started.

And before BBC One started.

And before television started.

Please welcome Baroness Trumpington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a familiar face from The Apprentice

who, as a PR man, spent 21 years with Alan Sugar at Amstrad

and he's still working...

unlike most Amstrads.

-Please welcome Nick Hewer.

-Oh, how could you? Jack!

-I know.

APPLAUSE

-You should sue him.

-Oh, Jack.

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian, Baroness Trumpington, take a look at this.

That's Hugh Grant.

That isn't. That's Lord Leveson.

Cameron on the phone to Rebekah - "Yeah, I've read it."

That's the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg,

bringing in the tea for the Cabinet

and that's a bad re-enactment.

So what side are you on on this, if any?

I'm listening to you.

That's the correct side.

HE LAUGHS

You see, they're not all bad, the House of Lords.

Ian, would you care to summarise the Leveson Report?

Yes, I mean, there are four volumes of it and a summary.

We've actually got them here. There they are.

The summary is that, you know,

essentially the press behaved abysmally.

He's slightly kinder to the police, who behaved quite abysmally,

and too kind to the politicians,

who he says didn't behave that abysmally.

Obviously, my view is that they all did.

So you think a free press is a good idea?

I think a free press is a good idea, which is obviously a heretical view.

You say you're in favour of a free press -

Does that include telephone listening in?

No. What I'm in favour of is a free press that obeys the law

and there is a law against all the things that came up in the report -

telephone hacking, bribery of policemen, harassment, privacy.

All those things, I think, are covered by the law.

They weren't enforced by the police

because they were in the pocket of the press,

who are in the pocket of the politicians,

in fact by Mr Cameron himself.

-So I think...

-Steady.

-I know.

Well, you did say you were listening to me,

so I thought I'd give it a wang, really.

How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would cost?

-It was 250 quid. That's my copy!

-250 quid?

-Yeah.

-This is yours?

-Would you like that for Christmas?

-Do you want it?

If it was wrapped with consideration, I'll have it, yeah.

I'll give you all presents.

Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...

You've already got it.

How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?

"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!",

shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain.

What did Lord Justice Leveson do

immediately after the press conference?

Well, he ordered a bottle of whisky

and said "I've just wasted 14 months of my life."

He flew off to Australia.

He's gone to join I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

On the subject of much loved figures,

did you see Piers Morgan's response on Twitter?

-Yes.

-You did?!

No.

I did look up the bit about Piers Morgan in that report,

I'll be honest.

I know it is 700,000 million words,

but the four or five about Piers are well worth a look.

Can you remember what they were?

Yeah, Lord Leveson didn't find his description of phone hacking

and how he'd never done any entirely convincing.

That's all I'm going to say. Go and read it for yourselves.

You know, the Conservatives

don't want statutory underpinned regulation,

the Labour Party do...

"You're lying, Morgan, you toerag!

"Come this side of the Atlantic and face the committee

"instead of talking via internet satellite, you bastard!"

Yes.

APPLAUSE

-What did he Twitter then, sorry?

-Oh, yes, what was the tweet?

His tweet was...

Oh, very funny, Piers.

My response would be "Police car for Piers."

"Trial for Piers."

"Big, angry cellmate that misses his wife for Piers."

He'd have to miss her an awful lot, wouldn't he?

What evidence is there for the public losing interest

in the whole thing that's linked to Hugh Grant?

They haven't lost interest, have they?

Well, last night, his documentary Taking On The Tabloids

was only viewed by over 552,000 viewers,

which is 75% down on the average.

NICK: Countdown gets lots more than that.

Me and the Baroness were watching TOWIE.

Probably.

I think they are interested, perhaps it's just me. But, er...

Are you interested? Are you still interested?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Yeah.

And the Hugh Grant thing, did you back that campaign, yeah?

I think it's good -

anything that keeps Hugh Grant away from acting, we should really...!

Yes, this is the long-awaited release of the Leveson Report,

which called for outside regulation

to make sure the press regulate themselves.

Despite having read the exchange of personal texts

between David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks, Lord Leveson

described the relationship

between politicians and the press as being...

-HE SCOFFS

-LOL.

The latest polls say that 78% of the public

would support independent regulation,

which detractors argue means nothing,

as 78% of the public would support the death penalty.

Although both of those figures would rise to 100%

as soon as anyone mentions Piers Morgan.

Hacked Off released a statement

saying they were bitterly disappointed

with David Cameron's response.

And, from now on, they're going to be known as "Fucked Off."

Talking of which, my daughter-in-law taught him at school, you know?

-She said he was a VERY naughty boy.

-Really?

-And he fiddled in the margins.

-He did what?!

Was that a pub?

-Paul and Nick, take a look at this.

-Yes.

This is the new governor of the Bank of England. He's a Canadian bloke.

-I don't know his name.

-Carney.

-Carney? There's some money.

Just to make sure we know we're in Canada, there's Canada in 1948.

Maple syrup just to indicate that we are in...

Oh, there's a moose that says, "Canada!"

It's a bit odd that we can't find somebody to run the bank,

we've got to go to Canada. I know they're prudent and the rest,

but it's the same in football, they're all foreigners.

-Foreign managers.

-Is there nobody worth a damn here any more, Jack?

Is it not a good idea

having a foreigner running the banking system for a bit?

Our lot haven't been too great.

-Has he got our interests at heart?

-Yeah, exactly.

Working for the...Canadians.

Our well-known enemies over all these years.

And what's over the border from Canada?

Yeah, Mexico!

Recently, in a financial magazine,

he was voted the most trusted Canadian.

Which is not saying much,

as the only two Canadians anyone's heard of are him and Conrad Black.

You know what they sang at the end of the war?

"Now the war is over, we'll all begin to sing,

"Now we've finished Hitler, where's Mackenzie King?"

And who was Mackenzie King?

The Prime Minister of Canada.

Ah. There we are.

Was that like an old-fashioned version of Gangnam Style?

Exactly.

But Canada's survived best, out of all the countries in the West,

out of this financial recession,

so they've decided, "Why don't we get someone in?

"We can't do it, let's get in a Canadian."

It's not a totally useless move.

Are you keen on the idea of someone from Goldman running the economy?

Look, Draghi, who's running Europe at the moment,

he's Goldman, isn't he? Everybody's Goldman!

And then they all hold hands with the people from McKinsey.

-Do you think it's an international conspiracy?

-I think so. Probably.

Run by people dressed as lizards.

-Or lizards just as people.

-Lizards dressed as people.

-Yeah, we would have noticed it the other way round, wouldn't we?

-Yeah.

Let's look at Mark Carney.

Do you know how the Express described him?

That said that he...

Let's have a look at him again.

-I mean,

-I

-look more like George Clooney than him.

-Nick

-looks more like George Clooney than him.

-The Baroness

-looks more like George Clooney than him!

It was a terribly shocking appointment,

-because it's a big public job and he didn't go to Eton!

-No.

-How about Marlborough?

-Marlborough, very good school.

-That's where I was.

-Yeah.

It wasn't that posh,

we had the same thing as like normal schools as well, at my school.

Bad school dinners - this one time,

they served red wine with the fish course, Baroness.

I love it. I love it.

I love it, well done.

APPLAUSE

Chateauneuf-du-Pape with turbot!

Would you like to see George Alagiah

-asking a very straightforward question?

-Yeah.

Robert, George Osborne says he's the best in the world.

What's he got, Mark Carney,

that no-one in Britain apparently has not?

And what about money, how much is Mark Carney getting paid?

£600-odd, wasn't it?

£624,000 a year, which is not bad.

He can always go and top it up downstairs, can't he,

-if he's a bit short?

-Yeah.

-Wouldn't you have thought?

-Yeah, take-home perks.

He comes in in the morning, a thin bloke.

Goes home at night a big, fat bloke wearing an overcoat.

It's put into perspective this week by Harry Redknapp,

who's become a manager of a football club

and is being paid £3 million a year, which, after tax, is...

£3 million a year.

APPLAUSE

It says up there - "Question about Major Perk."

It's been up there for a while.

-"Question about a Major Perk"?

-Yeah.

-Is that a man?

I don't know.

Is he a friend of General Commotion?

Or Corporal Punishment?

And Private Matter.

According to the Independent, there is one major perk

that comes with being Governor of the Bank of England.

-Ah, very good.

-What is it?

-You're allowed to take...

Whatever sticks to your hand, you can take home!

The answer is...

That's like a big loo, right?

Oh, you're referring to Fat Pang

and his appearance before the Select Committee.

Did you read about that?

-Yes. This is Lord Patten.

-Oh.

And he felt they were asking far too many questions about the BBC

and what it had got up to, and he said,

"Next, you'll be wanting to know about my toilet habits."

I met him once, you know.

I was in need of a stapler at the time.

And I was at Wembley for the last Tory shindig before the '92 election

and I was handling a speech

and I looked around and I said, "Has anybody got a stapler?"

He said, "I'll get one," and he rushed off.

As good as his word, he came back, he had one and he gave it to me.

-Very nice man, sticks to his word.

-Yeah. Got you a stapler.

But what of his toilet habits?

He doesn't use a stapler for that.

Doesn't need to.

Have we got two Tories on the panel tonight?

-I'm Labour.

-Oh, you're Labour. You were just at a Tory shindig?

-Yeah.

Boo!

That's the level our debate's sunk to!

Next time he talks, I'll make a fart noise.

Can I go home now?

Can I come with you?

Banking is a bit dry.

Would we like to cheer ourselves up by watching Boris do the Mobot?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

-Yes?

-No!

Do the Mobot.

Did he know he was being filmed?

That could be your next leader.

God.

APPLAUSE

The Mobot was a bit of a craze, but you've actually started the V-bot.

What shall we call it, your moment in the House Of Lords?

I have to tell you that that Noble Lord and I

have been friends for many, many years.

He's a hell of a chap,

he was a War Minister during the, er...last war we...had.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Which one was that?

-Iraq?

-Listen, chum, I AM 90.

-Yeah.

No, I was thinking we'd had a lot recently -

I wasn't going to say "Napoleonic". God!

Oh dear, oh dear.

But you... This is Lord King.

But you, at first, denied that you flicked him the Vs.

Or did you say that you had?

Sorry, I'll stop doing it now!

It is rather catching.

Did you regret swearing at him?

No, because I regretted what he said,

which was that people of my age

were starting to look very, very, very old.

Well, wouldn't you do that?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, lord.

This is the news that the Canadian Mark Carney

is to become the first foreigner to run the Bank of England.

Yeah, tell that to UKIP.

LAUGHTER

According to the Times, Mr Carney has negotiated a salary of £624,000,

although, obviously, if he screws it all up and resigns early,

he'll get massively more under the Entwistle clause.

There has been some criticism over the appointment of a non-Briton

to this important position.

However, Mr Carney's supporters point out that he has...

Yes, so did Fabio Capello.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Baroness Trumpington, here is another one for you.

UKIP. Someone saying "I'm voting UKIP."

Farage, because he's the only one.

No, he's not. Lots of them. Look at him, he's so glum.

-This is the news, well, it's happening now.

-Mmm.

So when you see this, you'll know. UKIP will have won a seat.

The Conservative Party will have formed a coalition with UKIP...

I don't think so. I hope not!

LAUGHTER

Frankly, I think it's the most horrible set-up.

-What, UKIP?

-Yes.

-Right.

That's it.

LAUGHTER

-Well, that's that, then.

-Yes.

This is the row over foster children

being buffeted around by cheap politics...

-Oh, that was disgraceful.

-Yes.

How did Nigel Farage describe the decision

by Rotherham social services?

Baffling.

-IAN LAUGHS

-Correct.

Baffling.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He was actually right for a change, though.

The reason given by Rotherham council

for taking the Eastern European children away?

That the foster parents were members of UKIP.

The foster mum claimed...

There's so few people willing to foster kids anyway.

But to say UKIP people can't do it seems amazing.

Put them back in care, that's worked well.

Oh, no, it hasn't.

Is the idea that they'll be brought up as racists

-to hate themselves? Is that the fear?

-Yes.

They'll wake up in the morning and punch themselves in the face?

Children never follow what their parents do.

Ian's parents were both in The Grateful Dead...

LAUGHTER

UKIP were outraged

that they and their supporters are being accused of being racists,

but how did David Cameron describe them in 2006?

-Fruitcakes.

-Yes.

-Loonies.

I like this phrase "closet racist".

I have a friend, he's just come out as a racist,

but he doesn't know if he's a racist or not,

he's still a bit confused. He's bi-furious.

Why is this a bad time for Cameron and the Tories

to be antagonising UKIP?

Because UKIP are getting a lot of votes,

the country's getting more Euro-sceptic

and a lot of Tories are threatening to desert.

Not a lot.

OK, hardly any.

Ever.

There was someone in your party suggested there should be

a coalition between UKIP and the Conservatives.

The man you talk of is Michael Fabricated-Hair.

Here is a picture of Michael Fabricated-Hair.

Michael Fabricant suggested a pact with UKIP

so they would not stand against the Conservatives in the next election.

We actually got tweeted earlier on.

Then he tweeted back, saying...

It's not, we're just making jokes about your appearance.

LAUGHTER

He's probably going to be sat at home,

pulling out someone else's hair.

Also in the news this week,

How did David Cameron show off his tough guy credentials?

Did he smack a labrador in the face?

LAUGHTER

-It's to do with the EU.

-Well, I mean, he didn't agree the budget.

Yes, he stood firm at the EU summit

and demanded a cut in their spending.

He won. Largely because Germany took our side, which is a first.

-It really is awfully boring, the way they carry on.

-What, the Europeans?

-Everyone?

-Everyone.

-Yes.

When I worked for a living, I had to go to Munich every month.

And the meeting was conducted in English. I don't speak German.

They all spoke impeccable English.

The chairman came up to me at the very first meeting, he said...

(GERMAN ACCENT) "It's so nice to have you on our side for once."

LAUGHTER

What do they spend a lot of their money on at the EU?

-Meetings.

-Well...

-Pastries.

-It's actually wine.

-Wine.

They were serving Bordeaux at £121 a bottle

at the EU summit dinner.

Cameron walked out and ate his dinner elsewhere.

He wasn't going to be drinking any of that cheap plonk!

LAUGHTER

Although, according to The Sun,

he nipped back later for the cold meats and cheeses.

A family of UKIP supporters in Rotherham

have had their children taken away because of authorities

being concerned about their welfare.

UKIP's candidate in North Croydon by-election was Winston McKenzie,

who has spoken out against adoption by gay couples,

Leading other members of UKIP to shake their heads and say, "See?

"That's why we shouldn't have let people like HIM in the party."

And Winston... (They do more than kiss!)

Paul and Nick, here's another for you.

Ah, yes, OK, this is a clip from George Melies' A Voyage to the Moon.

That's a nuclear explosion.

There was some story this week, during the Cold War, the Americans

were debating whether they should blow up the moon with nuclear weapons.

I didn't see what they thought the point of that would be.

It's because Hans Blix told them

the Clangers had weapons of mass destruction.

Obviously, the Little Boy was the bomb dropped on Hiroshima,

so they were looking at something a lot bigger,

It was called a Fat Man.

-Would you like to see a picture of a Fat Man?

-Yes.

See? This is the actual one.

You thought were going to show you something like this. No.

-Who's that?

-It's Eric Pickles.

He's a member of the Cabinet. Have you ever heard of him?

Yes, I certainly have, but I didn't realise he was that large.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What was the reason why they wanted to do this?

I think it was sort of posturing.

The Russians had launched Sputnik, so they wanted to make a statement

and surprise the Russians by blowing up the moon!

-Yeah.

-Sanity prevailed.

-Yeah, because there were doubts over

what effect a moon blast could have on Earth, including tidal patterns.

Talking of which, floods in this country have now got serious

because a celebrity has been affected. Which celebrity?

-What are the initials?

-PD.

Is it P Diddy?

-Paul Daniels.

-Paul Daniels.

-Paul Daniels!

-He lives by the River Thames.

-He lives on a little island.

-Yeah.

Paul Daniels said this week that he was furious with the council

and that his house was currently under about two foot of flooding.

He's been flooded every year for years and he keeps moaning about it.

LAUGHTER

Get a sandbag, for God's sake!

It's weird if you live next to the Thames and complain about flooding.

It's like moving next to Ryan Giggs

and complaining when he bangs your wife.

LAUGHTER

You surely knew when you moved into the area...

This is America's plan in the 1950s to blow up the moon.

The plan to fire a nuclear missile at the moon

was codenamed:

Although its purpose was later downgraded

to finding a way of connecting Hertford and Stevenage.

That is the actual road.

Meanwhile on Earth, the UK was again hit by widespread flooding.

One of the people affected

was magician Paul Daniels.

The emergency services said, despite frantic efforts,

they were running out of excuses not to rescue him.

LAUGHTER

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Oh, this is the pigeon that they found in the chimney.

It had a code. It had a code tied to its leg

and they couldn't decipher it, but they've deciphered it now

and it says, "Help, I am trapped in this chimney!"

Yes, this is the news that so-called experts at GCHQ

had failed to crack the coded message found attached

to a World War II carrier pigeon's skeleton

and are asking the public for their help.

It would be great if we had someone that worked

as a code-breaker during the war...

Surely that would be no problem for you?

Enigma in a couple of years, a pigeon code,

-that couldn't be too hard?

-Shall we have a look?

-Yeah.

-Here is a picture of the bird's foot,

-with the canister...

-Yeah.

-Oh, sorry,

that's Yasser Arafat.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND HISS

Safe journey home.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Would you like this show to go out as a tribute?

I want JLS at my funeral.

Is that some Palestinian group we haven't heard of?

LAUGHTER

The message included 27 handwritten blocks of five letters,

so do you know what it says?

-No.

-No.

On the subject of espionage,

who applied for a job with MI5 this week?

EastEnders.

Was it Dean Gaffney?

Yes. It was ex-EastEnders actor Dean Gaffney...

I don't even know who he is!

I just saw his name on a paper sometime this week.

-You don't know who Dean Gaffney is?

-No.

His King Lear, Royal Shakespeare Company,

was one of the finest performances I have ever seen.

He told the Sun:

And to be fair to Dean,

he's been keeping THAT a secret for some time.

LAUGHTER

This is the World War II code

found attached to the leg of a dead pigeon,

which experts have so far failed to decipher

apart from the words Dick Dastardly and Muttley.

The Mirror asked its readers:

Which they would do,

only they were stuck on 12 across in the Mirror crossword.

Also this week, the Sun revealed that ex-EastEnders star

Dean Gaffney has applied to MI5 for a job as a spy.

Gaffney was one of...

-Daphne.

-Daphne?

Did I call him Daphne?

No, there was a wonderful woman spy who...

-Am I allowed to tell?

-Yes, yes!

Her first job was in Moscow

and she'd learnt her Russian off beautifully

and she was sent out to a very grand dinner party

and her neighbour turned to her and said,

in Russian, of course, "What is your favourite sport?"

And she said, "Swimming",

and he looked absolutely horrified

and so she tapped him on the shoulder

and said "Long-distance swimming",

and he gave a piercing shriek and never spoke to her again.

At the end of dinner, the hostess said

"Why did you say those terrible things to your neighbour?

"He asked you what your favourite sport was and you said spitting!

"And then you said long-distance spitting!"

And that taught her to be very, very careful of what she said in future.

She was a wonderful woman.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My hero.

Gaffney was one of a raft of rather Z-list celebs

who came out to ask if their phones had been hacked

when it was all kicking off.

Ah, bless, Dean, I don't think they can hack pay-as-you-go phones.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

He looks as though he needs a good bra.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There was a spoof article somewhere in the States, I think,

saying he was the most sexy, charming... wasn't he gorgeous...

And the Chinese People's Daily printed this

as though it was absolutely true!

And their suspicions weren't roused by the previous winners.

-Which included Assad...

-Yes.

-...of Syria

and Piers Morgan.

LAUGHTER

-I've made that bit up.

-I have the description that they gave

of Kim Jong-un which was:

Yeah, that's fair.

Who wants this last After Eight mint?

LAUGHTER

I'm having it, I'm having it!

Having fallen for the hoax,

the People's Daily published some pictures of him.

It was a 55-page photo spread in tribute to the North Korean leader,

which included pictures of him looking gorgeous,

waving at a parade...

yeah, you work it, baby!

And looking gorgeous on horseback.

So, we might not have found the World's Sexiest Man,

but we have found the World's Strongest Horse.

Why should you never trust a North Korean with a Parker pen?

Because they can secrete one or two hypodermic syringes in them.

It certainly had a dart in it that could:

Didn't the Bulgarians do it with umbrellas?

-Umbrellas?

-Georgi Markov.

-Remember that one?

-But a pen is easier to carry around...

Well, you've got to get quite close,

a little jab with the old brolly, on a windswept bridge...

Back of the leg - WHOOMP!

Have you killed a man?

Name a weekend when he hasn't!

That's why we never see the people that leave The Apprentice early.

-That's it.

-Why should you never trust someone with a hot nose?

-Why shouldn't you trust someone with a hot nose?

-Liars.

-Really?

-Yeah.

It's a report from the University of Granada

and they have claimed that a rise in anxiety produced by lying:

-Really?

-It's the Pinocchio effect.

I knew it was long, I didn't know it was hot.

It's hot and long.

This makes fascinating reading...

China's state-run paper, The People's Daily,

has fallen for the Onion's online spoof

naming Kim Jong-un as the sexiest man alive.

The Onion is unavailable in North Korea,

along with all other basic foodstuffs.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-We say it's Andrew Marr.

-It is Andrew Marr.

Ah, yes, I know this, I saw this.

The naturists of Great Britain complained that he was distorting

history by showing people from thousands of years ago

walking around wearing clothes when they wore no clothes at all.

It's more corruption at the BBC.

Exactly that, a cover-up.

This is exactly the problem that has been brought up by British Naturism.

They say apparently,

the Australian Aborigines did not wear loincloths,

the Caribbean tribes did not wear shorts and dresses,

while early tribes in Africa did not wear bikinis.

-Why do they always play ping-pong?

-Who?

-Naturists.

It's quite a soft ball, isn't it, if an accident were to occur?

I'd rather be hit in the balls

with a ping-pong ball than, say, a tennis ball.

Talking about that, my little grandson has a bit of a lisp

and he said, "I've been kicked in the cweam cwackers."

-I thought it was rather sweet.

-It's lovely!

He then said, "Somebody kicked me in the peanuths."

Should we not be concerned

about who's assaulting him on a regular basis?

Continuing with British naturism,

would anyone like to see a typical member, a Johnson?

That's Brian Johnson, British naturist and mountaineer.

Lovely view of the Cairngorms.

What excuse did the BBC give for the cover-up?

You can't trust a naked woman with Andrew Marr.

According to the Telegraph, it had been:

Which is the same reason they didn't ever film Andrew Marr in HD.

This isn't the only story about covering people up this week.

There has been another controversy with another much-loved show.

-Mr Hewer, would you care to explain?

-What?

People covering up on Countdown.

-Covering up? Oh! Rachel Riley.

-No.

It was a recent contestant called Duncan Conway.

He had a very hairy chest and he was told that he had to cover it up.

According to the Scottish Daily Record...

-Oh!

-Many Countdown viewers went straight to the phone to complain,

but by the time they got there

they'd forgotten why they went into the room in the first place.

Is that him? Do you know, I've never seen that bloke in my life.

Never seen him before?

-They pour through, it's like a constant river.

-Yeah, exactly.

-Contestants, they shovel them through.

-Put them straight on...

We're using very nice language.

They put them in the set, they answer the questions,

then they're tasered and put into a truck,

dropped off in Leeds in the middle of the night.

They've no idea where they are but most make their way home.

-We film in Manchester.

-Oh.

-And...

-But other than that, all right!

Yes, this is the latest BBC scandal,

this time over full frontal nudity and their failure to show it

to a peak-time family audience on BBC One.

In the BBC's defence, it's impossible to know for a fact

if people from ancient civilisations would have actually worn clothes,

unless of course there's anyone can remember...

Perhaps they had very long beards.

APPLAUSE

It was also revealed this week that a contestant on Countdown

was told by Channel 4 to cover up his offensive chest hair.

It was so distracting

that viewers almost forgot to look down Rachel Riley's top.

The thing is, I'm right opposite her

and it's so difficult not to appear to be, you know, staring.

-It really is difficult. She probably thinks I'm sort of pervy.

-Yeah.

-Which I'm not.

-No, you're not, no, it's professional interest.

You've definitely done a good deal to dispel that, though,

by saying that.

I'm very proud of it and I'm contemplating another contract,

so don't spoil it, Jack!

I'm not going to. I love Countdown.

Daddy likes it, he told me.

I find it really weird when you say "Daddy."

You do speak to your daddy and you call him Daddy,

and I think it's charming.

Your father is one of the most amusing men I've ever met

and I hope he's watching this, in a strange sort of way.

He might be, yeah.

What do you mean, "in a strange sort of way?" With his head in a bucket?

Time now for the missing words round, which this week

features as a guest publication,

The Newsletter of Ophthalmic Antiques.

We start with:

Smoke inside.

-You were a smoker, weren't you, Baroness?

-And how.

-When did you give up?

-Just roughly...

-Oh, at about 102.

-What do you do now after sex?

-What did I what?

What do you smoke?

-Cigars.

-Cigars!

APPLAUSE

What were the chances of us getting that right?

I think it's Baroness Trumpington's list of things to do.

That's exactly what it is.

Stupid mascots.

The answer is:

Oh, for God's sakes!

This is a new mascot school in Japan.

Most football teams these days have a mascot.

For example, Sunderland have this...

It's a black cat. At least, I think that's what John Terry called it.

Biscuits.

-Is this Iceland, the country?

-No!

Thousands of blocks of cheese have been stolen from Iceland,

causing literally tens of pounds' worth of damage.

Brothel!

Anti-Mugabe weapon.

The correct answer is:

The vehicle is going to be used for hen nights and stag dos,

though the owners insist:

No condom machine, I'm guessing!

Rebekah Brooks.

-Oh, is it a bird?

-Yes.

-Pigeon?

-Bigger.

-Emu?

-Correct.

That is a bird. According to one of the police officers on the scene:

Come on, if you're just about to arrest an aggressive emu,

you're bound to be a little bit nervous.

Didn't you run the Department of Agriculture for a while?

Exactly. Five and a half years in agriculture

and I absolutely loved it, I really did.

And I'm very keen on a new charity that has been formed

to try and help young farmers starting up in a very cold world.

Does that fit in that gap?

I'm extremely glad to give him a plug, frankly. Lord Plumb.

-Was that the Lord Plumb that was chairman of the NFU?

-Absolutely.

-He was the best voice the farmers ever had.

-There you are.

Didn't he get killed in the drawing room with the candlestick?

-Sadly not.

-He's...

-That's a ridiculous suggestion.

-No, bad taste.

Sorry.

The answer is the most pointless internet craze yet.

This is a new craze which began in Newcastle,

in which people buy milk, then tip it over their heads for no reason whatsoever.

Let's have a look.

-Milk?

-Milk.

How funny. Good lord.

All over their heads.

The next thing, they'll be doing it in Trafalgar Square.

Baroness T, have you ever milked?

Mind your own business.

My father had a goat.

And he used to milk it.

The hind legs have got to be higher than the fore legs

and you can only milk it while sitting on a three-legged stool.

And never touch a billy goat because you can never get the smell off you.

Why would you be attempting to milk a billy goat?

People do make mistakes.

And finally, Elton John's prescription in the late '70s was?

Slightly stronger in the left than the right eye.

Oh, I hope that's right. It's the most boring answer we've ever had!

The answer is:

This is from ophthalmic antiques newsletter

describing Elton's worries about his eyesight.

The article continues...

You're telling me - it burnt off half his hair!

So, the final scores are, Ian and Baroness Trumpington have six points

but our winners are Paul and Nick with eight points.

APPLAUSE

-But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

-Oh.

Say something.

Man has sex with elephant using telephone box as condom.

Is it a trunk call?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I leave you with news that there's embarrassment on his first day at work

as the new Archbishop of Canterbury locks himself out.

High above the streets of London after suffering a breakdown,

a stressed out Dale Winton is gently coaxed back to safety.

And, as he finally returns from politics,

Ken Livingstone throws a party for all of his friends and admirers.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd