Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 8

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alexander Armstrong

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In the news this week... Following the tedium of last week's

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Queen's Speech, a BBC reporter reveals what Prince Philip

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would far rather do in the House of Lords.

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Go in there and basically go... IMITATES GUNSHOTS

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LAUGHTER

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1980s out-takes from All Creatures Great And Small

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show that inappropriate behaviour at the BBC was more widespread

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than previously thought.

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It'd be great if he pulled somebody out, though, wouldn't it?

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In Pyongyang, North Koreans react to the news that Kim Jong-un

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agrees with David Cameron on gay marriage.

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And Virgin Airlines launch a shocking new campaign to stop

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male passengers fantasising about air hostesses.

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On Paul's team tonight is an unashamedly traditional

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Eton-educated Conservative MP who was born in 1969 -

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at the age of 50.

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Please welcome, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Ian tonight is a comedian who says she wishes she knew

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more about politics but knows she doesn't like the Conservatives.

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A bit like David Cameron.

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Please welcome, Josie Long.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.

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Oh, yes. Ben Turpin there - cross-eyed comedian, famous.

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That's Lord Feldman - perhaps famous or not famous for saying something.

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Those are the members of the Tory Associations, I think.

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-JACOB: One of them's a friend of mine, actually.

-Really? Which one?

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Edmond Costello. He's a very good egg. Very good egg.

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So, yes. Somebody has apparently called these people swivel-eyed loons,

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-but it's difficult to know who has said this...

-Who didn't?

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-Lord Feldman said he didn't say it.

-He absolutely didn't.

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But he's the only one that people think did.

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Yes, it was definitely not Lord Feldman that made the remark to Times and Telegraph journalists.

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There were reporters who heard it who say it was.

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-JACOB: No, they don't. They're...

-No, they're sticking to their story.

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They're sticking to their story, but they're protecting their source, so they're not saying that

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anybody in particular said that the Tories had a strabismus.

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LAUGHTER

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Tell us about strabismus, Jacob.

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Well, a strabismus is when peoples' eyes go off in different directions.

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One goes UKIP, the other, Tory.

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-I would...

-"Different" direction.

-I wouldn't have put it like that.

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It's a... You know, it's a word for boss-eyed, and those various eye conditions that

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some people have, but Conservatives almost invariably do not have.

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LAUGHTER

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ONE MAN APPLAUDS

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Thank you!

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Don't clap on your own - somebody will throw you a fish.

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LAUGHTER

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Chiswick Empire, 1926.

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I don't know any loonies on the right of British politics.

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JOSIE: You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?

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No, I don't. I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.

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Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered, wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson.

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That is all he is.

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I'm not sure I quite understand.

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Why is he Chairman, this, er... this Lord Feldman?

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Because he's an inspiring Tory Party Chairman

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who leads the party with verve and panache.

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According to the Mail, he's also...

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And what's Cameron done to smooth things over?

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He's written us all a letter, saying that members

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of the Conservative Party are marvellous, and I agree with that.

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If any of you are members of the Conservative Party here, you're marvellous.

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey!

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And the rest of you are probably marvellous too. Everyone's marvellous.

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Yes, he wrote...

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Adding, "..not in a nancy way, obviously."

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Tory activists tend to be quite elderly, don't they, Jacob?

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-No, I don't think so. People are living longer.

-Yeah.

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People spend decades in retirement

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and therefore they're a very good pool to get activists from.

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UKIP is doing much the same.

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Are you worried they're out-looning you?

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A lot of them are upset about the gay marriage bill, Jacob.

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-You voted against gay marriage.

-Yes, the line of the Catholic Church.

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-OK, you took the Catholic whip, rather than...

-Indeed, absolutely.

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LAUGHTER

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Did anyone hear what Lord Tebbit had to say in an interview

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-with the Big Issue this week?

-Yes, but it doesn't bear repeating.

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-Well, it really does, actually.

-No, it doesn't.

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We've got the quote...

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It is a speculative concern, and it is unhelpful.

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Like, he could equally go,

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"What if a dragon shows up and steals the Queen?" You know?

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It's not helpful.

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JACOB: His problem - his concern - is one that constitutionally will not

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arise from the act that's just gone through the House of Commons.

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Well, I hope he's watching, cos that will put his mind at rest.

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While we're on Norman Tebbit, do you want to hear his theories

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-about how gay marriage might affect inheritance tax?

-Yes.

-He said...

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And all these years, people have thought Norman's reactionary(!)

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Extraordinary free-thinking liberal.

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Yeah, he fancies his brother.

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Mind you, we all fancy your brother, Norm.

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What did the Conservative MP for Aldershot - Gerald Howarth - warn us about?

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-Aggressive homosexuals.

-That's exactly right.

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His quote was this. He said...

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What next? Bumming on the national curriculum?

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That's going back to the 19th century.

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What might the House of Lords do?

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They're threatening to have a vote on the second reading, which the

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House of Lords very rarely does on bills that come up from the Commons.

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That's right. They might block the bill's passage. Who's going to be...?

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LAUGHTER

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That's a Max Miller joke.

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Who's the likely passage-blocker in this instance?

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It's Lord Dear, Dearie to his friends.

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He might table a...

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It's a generational thing, isn't it, the gay marriage bill?

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Older people tend to be against it, younger people are for it, so if you

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take it to the House of Lords, it's probably not going to get through.

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What's the Lib Dems' biggest worry at the moment?

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Nick Clegg.

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Second biggest worry at the moment?

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Vince Cable.

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Third biggest worry?

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Extinction.

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Extinction.

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We've found two. Ed Davey - that's a third. How many more can we do?

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Any offers from the audience?

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Famous Lib Dems. It's a bit like famous Belgians.

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You're in government with these people.

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I'm not in government. I'm a backbencher.

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They wouldn't let me anywhere near government.

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It's important to remember that cos all functions of our government

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are run by Old Etonians, so even a backbench rebel is an Old Etonian.

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Lib Dem Party insiders are worried that...

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-Shocking, isn't it?

-The devious bastards.

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In a week of controversial statements,

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what has Penelope Keith been saying this week?

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She's addressed the housing problems.

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It's kind of incredibly mean to be blaming the housing crisis on older women.

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Flibbertigibbet 60-year-olds running off. Phwoar! Yes!

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-That's exactly right.

-As soon as the children have grown up, they look around them

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and think, "Oh, you're quite boring."

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This is...personal experience.

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You mean you get that at home as well?

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That's right. This was in Country Life magazine.

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She was complaining about middle-aged women contributing

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to rising house prices by divorcing and living on their own.

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Well, watch Pointless, of course.

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-Do you need your own home to do that?

-Oh, yes. It is advisable.

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What did we learn this week about men with big muscles?

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-They can lift heavy things.

-Yes.

-Yes?!

-No, no.

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This is research published by some university somewhere,

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that said, "Men with high upper body strength are likely to be

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"more right wing, because they pursue their own self interest.

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"Weedy men, on the other hand, are more concerned with

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-"the welfare of others."

-I think I disprove this rule, personally.

-Let's see your biceps, Jacob.

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I don't know that I've got anything like that.

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-Of course, you are a man of the people, aren't you?

-Absolutely. Very much so.

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Here's when Andrew Neil sprang a question about social class on you.

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I would say, sort of, upper middle rather than upper.

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Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy. That's definitely true.

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-So, we'll settle for upper middle?

-I'm a man of the people.

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"Vox populi, vox Dei."

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But, Alexander, aren't you even posher than I am?

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I seem to remember reading somewhere that you are descended from William the Conqueror.

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which I think makes you a cousin of my wife.

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-That's nice.

-So...

-We're family.

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So...we're family. May I call you cousin?

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APPLAUSE

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That's nice.

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-Yes...

-I don't think I'm even related to my own parents.

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Yes, this is the gay marriage bill.

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The move to legalise same sex marriage has outraged many

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Conservatives, who believe that marriage

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should be between a man and a woman, or several women if you're Boris.

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OK. Ian and Josie, take a look at this.

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That's the next Prime Minister.

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Oh, God, please no.

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And that's Michael Gove.

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Head teachers have proposed a vote of no confidence in him

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because he's appalling at his job, and they all hate him.

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Yes, this is at the National Association of Head Teachers

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Conference in Birmingham.

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What happened just before he arrived at the conference?

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They burnt an effigy of him.

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As good as, yes, er...

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-They made a...

-They decided to change the curriculum to include

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anti-Gove lessons.

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They passed a vote of no confidence in his policies.

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But he made an effort. Here he is,

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asking what it is that's making head teachers so stressful.

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I think the first thing that we can do is to engage the profession

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and to find out what are the drivers of the stress that you record.

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Erm... And I think...

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LAUGHTER

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I think that...

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I think that you're one of them, Michael.

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Yes. Teachers say they are getting stressed out

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because he's introducing far too many new initiatives,

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and that it's like trying to...

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A few cheerleaders on It's A Knockout

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know what that might have been like.

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What do you hate so particularly about him?

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A lot of the things that he's done, I just think are really unhelpful,

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like there are shortages of school places, but he doesn't allow

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local authorities to open schools where they're needed.

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I also know that he's opened studio schools

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which are for 14- to 19-year-olds and they're run by businesses

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and then that business doesn't have to teach the full curriculum

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and under-16-year-olds will work for free for that business,

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like, studio schools... that's not good enough.

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You know, that's like, you know, how a studio flat doesn't have any of the

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amenities you need to have a normal good life, I think a lot of his...

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-Sorry, this is really boring but...

-No, it will be over soon.

-Exactly.

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I know this isn't Question Time,

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but I think it's a problem and I know that you're not a Dimbleby,

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you're very smart but you're not quite a Dimbleby...

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JOSIE: Oh, what?!

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This is the Tory education policy right here, mate.

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The Dimblebys have a monopoly on some public service broadcasting,

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but Michael Gove was very brave, he went to...

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I think you've explained that jolly well, Jacob.

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APPLAUSE

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Is Michael Gove shocked and upset by the reception he got?

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-No, he loved it.

-We can watch him.

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We work in the culture of fear, not one of working together.

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LENGTHY APPLAUSE

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We had a wonderful and frank dialogue between a group of head teachers

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and myself, which I very much enjoyed.

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OK, let's have a quick test on Michael Gove,

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so turn your papers over now.

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Michael Gove recently claimed that survey after survey showed

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that teenagers had a poor historical knowledge.

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On what surveys has he based this claim?

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UK Gold and Premier Inn and they weren't surveys of pupils,

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they were just surveys of watchers of the TV show and guests in the hotel.

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Correct. Next question.

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He recently wrote to his old French teacher to apologise. What for?

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Messing around at the back of the class and making his job difficult.

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For indulging in pathetic showing-off, being cocksure

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and coming up with clever dick questions in class.

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That's hard to believe, isn't it? Here's a young Michael Gove.

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Jacob, you were quite forward as child.

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How old were you when you wrote your first letter to the Financial Times?

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I don't know that I've written a letter to the Financial Times.

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I was told you were 12. We have a picture of you

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here, look. There we are. 12-year-old Jacob.

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Aww.

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-Yes, thank you.

-OK.

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Back to the quiz, back to our exciting quiz.

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Michael Gove would relish that picture.

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That's what all youngsters of that age should be doing -

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reading the FT.

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I don't know that youngsters should model themselves on me, actually.

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I've never held myself up as a role model.

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Oh, you're underselling yourself. I don't think I am. I really don't.

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Did you write a leader for the Financial Times?

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I-I-I didn't, no.

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I did something slightly different -

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I went to shareholders' meetings

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but I didn't write letters to the Financial Times.

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- At 12 years old? - Yes.

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- And how did that come about?

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I had been given a little bit of money,

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birthday present, by my father...

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- Oh, and you didn't buy a bike, you bought shares in...

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Yes.

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When we say, "A little bit of money,"

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are we talking six figures here?

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No, no, no, no.

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No, no. I think it was £150. It was not...

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But in 1890, that was quite...

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LAUGHTER

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Can you identify the third actor in this scene from a 1995 film

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starring Christopher Lee and Robert Hardy,

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set in a boarding school and called A Feast At Midnight?

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Why do they call you "Raptor"?

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You know perfectly well, Headmaster.

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I...

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Oh, yes. You mean the film The Dinosaur.

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BUZZER

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It's Michael.

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It's Jacob.

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It's not... No. It's obviously Michael.

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I knew he'd done that, actually.

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-Did you? He's quite good.

-Yes.

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-With just a glance.

-It's amazing, isn't it?

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-He's quite good?

-That's a good glance.

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Look at that. He's very impressive.

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How come...?

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He could have had an alternative career, had he wanted.

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Oh, how we wish.

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How come he's a vicar at his age?

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On the subject of questions,

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according to Michael Deacon of the Times,

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how did Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt answer an urgent question

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in the Commons about the current crisis facing A&E departments?

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-BUZZER

-Ian.

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He said, "I have to ask Mr Murdoch." Oh, no, that was his old job.

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He's in charge of health now, which is much safer.

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I think that's a good way of promoting people, don't you, Jacob?

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-When they've been spectacularly...

-Awful.

-..awful.

-Incompetent.

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All good words.

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They may be good words,

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but they're used in the wrong space if I may say so.

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Oh, really? Have I got the word Hunt wrong?

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He behaved with great propriety over the whole Murdoch affair.

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-You can't believe that.

-I do believe that.

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-You're perfectly reasonable some of the time.

-Thank you.

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But I really do believe that.

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Well, it's a good thing he convinced one viewer at the Leveson Enquiry

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which was you, which was excellent.

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And Lord Justice Leveson, actually, who clearly...

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Lord Justice Leveson got pretty much everything else

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wrong in his report, but he was right about Jeremy Hunt.

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Dangerously, I'm going to start agreeing with you.

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Well, yes, yeah, yeah.

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But not over that detail.

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Right, he's in charge of the Health Service now.

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So how did he answer an urgent question in the Commons

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about the current crisis?

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He said, "I can't answer this, will you ring 111?"

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Well, no, he answered, but he answered with more questions.

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Michael Deacon writes...

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After being told by the Speaker

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to answer questions not to ask them,

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Jeremy Hunt replied...

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Finally, back to education

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and the news that Major Tim Peake

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is to become Britain's first official astronaut?

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Brave, intelligent, about take immense risks in the name

0:17:400:17:43

of science, did anyone see what Paxman put him through on Newsnight?

0:17:430:17:47

-Yes.

-Look at this.

0:17:470:17:49

Now what are we going to get for the 60 million that's being

0:17:490:17:52

spent on putting you up there? What are you actually going to do?

0:17:520:17:56

-Science predominantly.

-But what science?

0:17:560:17:58

-Don't you think it might be a bit boring up there?

-Not at all.

0:17:580:18:01

But you're just drifting around, aren't you?

0:18:010:18:04

You just seem to be up there nowadays playing the guitar,

0:18:040:18:07

I mean...it's not what many people would recognise as a taxing job.

0:18:070:18:13

-Thank you very much indeed. Thanks.

-Thank you.

0:18:130:18:15

Yes, this is Education Secretary Michael Gove,

0:18:180:18:21

who was given a vote of no confidence

0:18:210:18:22

by the National Association of Head Teachers.

0:18:220:18:24

When asked by the Mail if he wanted to be Prime Minister,

0:18:240:18:27

Mr Gove replied...

0:18:270:18:28

Mind you, that hasn't stopped him from being Education Minister.

0:18:290:18:33

A ten-year-old girl has written to the Education Secretary,

0:18:330:18:36

pointing out that, in a recent exam paper,

0:18:360:18:38

punctuation was used incorrectly on three occasions,

0:18:380:18:41

proving what we've all suspected -

0:18:410:18:42

Michael Gove doesn't know his colon from his elbow.

0:18:420:18:45

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

0:18:470:18:49

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:18:490:18:51

-BUZZER

-Yes, Paul?

0:18:560:18:57

Well, the word "Google" and the coin probably is indicating that

0:18:570:19:00

Google are expected to pay more tax than they have been in the past.

0:19:000:19:03

That is the news that Google executive Matt Brittin

0:19:030:19:06

-was dragged...

-That's him there.

-Is that him there?

0:19:060:19:08

Yes, he's looking at the total tax paid by Google last year.

0:19:080:19:11

The chairman of the Public Accounts Committee gave them a very bad time.

0:19:110:19:15

She's been recalling people.

0:19:150:19:17

It's Parliament in action,

0:19:170:19:18

suggesting people should pay their taxes. It's actually a cheery story.

0:19:180:19:22

Well, she was obsessed by why Brittin lives in Britain

0:19:220:19:24

and not in Ireland with its low taxes. She asks him...

0:19:240:19:27

Look, Margaret, nobody wants to live in Ireland.

0:19:360:19:38

What terrifying weapon did Ed Miliband hit Google with

0:19:380:19:42

-this week?

-International cooperation.

0:19:420:19:44

He brought up the issue of tax at Google's Big Tent conference.

0:19:440:19:47

Whilst doing this, he landed the tax avoiders this body blow.

0:19:470:19:51

I want to start, as they say on Have I Got News For You, with four

0:19:510:19:55

pictures and I want to ask you who you think the odd-one-out this?

0:19:550:19:59

The answer's you, Ed.

0:19:590:20:00

David Cameron let Google off very lightly this week.

0:20:020:20:04

Yes, Google came to see him, Eric Schmidt who is the CEO, and he

0:20:040:20:08

went to visit Cameron the week

0:20:080:20:09

when all this Google stuff is becoming quite current,

0:20:090:20:12

but he didn't think it would be tactful to bring it up and then

0:20:120:20:15

Eric Schmidt tried to leave Downing Street through the back entrance...

0:20:150:20:18

-That's right.

-..as though he hadn't been there.

0:20:180:20:20

He DID leave through the back entrance.

0:20:200:20:22

How stupid of me to say, "He tried."

0:20:220:20:24

Did he claim the entrance was in Switzerland?

0:20:240:20:26

And in other taking-the-piss news,

0:20:280:20:29

how much are professional beggars earning a year

0:20:290:20:32

we're told this week?

0:20:320:20:33

Er, I don't know, £10 million a year, eight quid,

0:20:330:20:37

somewhere in-between.

0:20:370:20:39

Exactly right.

0:20:390:20:40

In fact, it's such a lucrative business

0:20:400:20:42

that according to the Sun...

0:20:420:20:44

-Where's that happening? Nowhere.

-Almost certainly nowhere.

0:20:470:20:52

This is tax avoidance by multi-nationals.

0:20:520:20:55

Ed Miliband has attacked Google for its tax arrangements.

0:20:550:20:57

Interestingly if you type "Ed Miliband" into Google, it suggests,

0:20:570:21:00

"Did you mean David?"

0:21:000:21:02

Also, this week, a US committee

0:21:020:21:04

criticised the amount of tax Apple pays.

0:21:040:21:06

As a company, Apple has always

0:21:060:21:08

prided itself on encouraging their creatives,

0:21:080:21:10

especially those in the accounts department.

0:21:100:21:13

So fingers on buzzers, teams. Another spinning picture.

0:21:130:21:17

BUZZER

0:21:200:21:21

Oh, yes. The Church of England

0:21:210:21:24

have agreed that swans can marry helicopters.

0:21:240:21:26

They thought the issue of the wings and the rotary blades

0:21:280:21:30

was incompatible. One's going like that, one's going like that -

0:21:300:21:33

two different worlds.

0:21:330:21:34

But, no, they've found on that does that simultaneously,

0:21:340:21:37

so they're both happy. Is this the priest

0:21:370:21:39

-who's got an organ growing out of his head?

-No.

0:21:390:21:42

This is the news that swan named Whooper has

0:21:420:21:44

-fallen in love with a helicopter.

-No, it hasn't.

-No, it has.

0:21:440:21:47

Does anyone know where this great romance has unfolded?

0:21:470:21:50

-Yeah, in the books of JK Rowling.

-No...

0:21:500:21:53

The day the swan fell in love with a helicopter.

0:21:530:21:55

I know, yes. When the swan was born,

0:21:550:21:57

the first thing he saw was the helicopter

0:21:570:21:58

and thought that was his mum, is that right? And they're going

0:21:580:22:01

to get married so they don't have to pay inheritance tax.

0:22:010:22:04

It happened at Les Mielles Golf Club in Jersey,

0:22:040:22:06

which is where Whooper lives. According to the Times...

0:22:060:22:09

Gold digger.

0:22:150:22:17

How do we know this is true love, according to the Mail Online?

0:22:180:22:23

Because it's not.

0:22:230:22:25

It's completely made-up rubbish.

0:22:250:22:27

What does it mean, "He only had eyes for..."?!

0:22:330:22:37

They're extremely concerned that Whooper might become a cropper in...

0:22:440:22:48

-In the chopper.

-..in the chopper.

0:22:480:22:49

We've got a picture.

0:22:490:22:51

-That's just a swan flying past a helicopter.

-In flagrante.

0:22:510:22:54

That's not proving that the two of them are in love!

0:22:540:22:57

It's not a very romantic picture, is it?

0:22:570:23:00

You cold, cold man.

0:23:000:23:03

I think that's tabloid intrusion.

0:23:030:23:06

They might be sucked up into the updraft.

0:23:060:23:08

If you're lucky!

0:23:080:23:09

Act it out. Be the helicopter, be the swan

0:23:130:23:16

and let's see if we think it's plausible.

0:23:160:23:18

Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "You're lovely!"

0:23:180:23:20

Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Thank you very much."

0:23:200:23:22

Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Shall we go to the pictures?" "Yeah, all right."

0:23:220:23:25

What a load of rubbish!

0:23:250:23:27

Look at it.

0:23:270:23:29

It's hardly proof of the Kennedy assassination. Look at it! Look.

0:23:290:23:33

A swan's natural mate in nature is A - another swan,

0:23:340:23:38

B - Ronnie Corbett,

0:23:380:23:40

C - a helicopter.

0:23:400:23:42

-There's always Zeus, isn't there?

-Zeus, yeah.

0:23:440:23:47

Helen of Troy was born out of swan's egg.

0:23:470:23:49

I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute.

0:23:490:23:52

She's a Cardiff girl.

0:23:540:23:55

IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

0:23:550:23:57

The helicopter lands, aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.

0:23:570:24:00

As the blades...circle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel.

0:24:020:24:08

And it comes loping out of the aircraft hangar...

0:24:100:24:12

and straight into the blades of the helicopter.

0:24:120:24:14

Yes. According to the Express, the pilot is so terrified

0:24:180:24:20

the besotted bird will fly into the rotors...

0:24:200:24:23

A nation of animal lovers.

0:24:270:24:28

Sit there with a swan and you'd get 50 grand in a day!

0:24:280:24:31

Why might Whooper have more luck dating a Prague tube train?

0:24:320:24:36

Because a Prague tube train's more his type.

0:24:380:24:41

Not so... It won't go off the rails.

0:24:410:24:44

Is that where most people fall in love?

0:24:450:24:47

The company that runs the underground there

0:24:470:24:49

is proposing a singles-only carriage...

0:24:490:24:51

He's already got a helicopter to himself.

0:24:580:25:00

Why does he need to go and share a train with a bunch of other people?

0:25:000:25:03

He's in there with that.

0:25:030:25:05

Why is no-one finding love in a Guildford library?

0:25:050:25:09

Cos they've closed it down.

0:25:090:25:10

No, because according to the Telegraph...

0:25:100:25:12

One man came as Mr Darcy, one man came as Rhett Butler

0:25:200:25:23

but unfortunately, the convincing-looking

0:25:230:25:25

Stig of the Dump turned out to be a urine-soaked tramp.

0:25:250:25:29

So, yes, this is a swan at an airport in Jersey that has fallen

0:25:290:25:32

-in love with a helicopter.

-No, it hasn't.

-Meanwhile...

0:25:320:25:34

-It hasn't at all.

-I believe it.

0:25:350:25:37

You are the editor of Private Eye?!

0:25:370:25:39

I'm incredibly gullible.

0:25:410:25:43

Er, so fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:25:430:25:45

BUZZER

0:25:510:25:52

-It's about meat pies setting off smoke alarms.

-You're very close.

0:25:520:25:55

Am I? Meat pies, Yorkshire puddings, smoke alarms, fire alarms.

0:25:550:25:58

-Fire alarms.

-Creme brulee.

0:25:580:26:01

Creme brul...argh!

0:26:010:26:03

It's the news that a spate of Merseyside fires has been

0:26:030:26:06

started by Eccles cakes.

0:26:060:26:09

Yes, I should explain, Jacob, Eccles, it's a place in the north.

0:26:090:26:13

According to James Murphy,

0:26:140:26:16

the watch manager at Crosby Fire Station... Good evening.

0:26:160:26:19

Yeah, in a nuclear reactor.

0:26:240:26:26

Anyone guess what the headline was in the Liverpool Echo?

0:26:260:26:29

Heat it.

0:26:310:26:33

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:26:330:26:34

Don't groan, that's brilliant. Journalism at its finest.

0:26:340:26:38

Another scandal, this time a little bit closer to Jacob's home,

0:26:380:26:41

to do with caviar.

0:26:410:26:43

Oh, yes, I did see that. Um, it was...

0:26:430:26:47

Luckily, your butler brought you the paper.

0:26:470:26:50

No, no, they did some DNA testing on caviar in some very smart

0:26:500:26:55

restaurant and it turned out they were being sold a less good

0:26:550:26:59

quality caviar but nobody could spot the difference.

0:26:590:27:02

You're absolutely right.

0:27:020:27:03

I had a friend who went a bought a whole barrel of caviar.

0:27:030:27:06

He went to a street market and someone said, "This is fantastic."

0:27:060:27:10

He said, "I'll give you a whole barrel for 20 quid," or whatever

0:27:100:27:13

it is, got it home, tucked in and found he'd been sold ball bearings.

0:27:130:27:17

I just love the idea that he would go out with someone

0:27:190:27:21

and they'd be like, "Oh, that's your classic scam, that is."

0:27:210:27:24

You know I've come on here because you kindly sent me Creme Eggs

0:27:240:27:27

cos I'd said I liked them. It occurred to me...

0:27:270:27:29

God, I didn't think you had to be bribed to come.

0:27:290:27:31

I should have said I liked caviar

0:27:310:27:32

because then I might have got a pot of caviar which would have been...

0:27:320:27:35

You just wait.

0:27:350:27:37

We should have you on more often. Look at this.

0:27:370:27:39

-There you are. There's a taste for... You take that.

-Thank you.

0:27:390:27:43

And a second. There we are for you.

0:27:430:27:46

You can taste the difference, see if you can spot the...

0:27:460:27:49

Oh, my God!

0:27:490:27:51

Didn't happen!

0:27:510:27:52

I've just never handled caviar before.

0:27:530:27:56

-JOSIE: Oh, my God!

-What do you reckon?

0:27:560:27:58

Which is the real...which is the better one and which is the...

0:27:580:28:01

-B's the best one.

-This one's mint sauce.

0:28:010:28:05

-I think A is the more expensive.

-JOSIE: Yeah.

0:28:050:28:08

I think A is nicer.

0:28:080:28:09

-A is nicer. Jacob?

-I think A is the more expensive.

0:28:090:28:12

You're absolutely right. There we are.

0:28:120:28:16

Shall I take those back?

0:28:160:28:19

JOSIE: It's good, isn't it?

0:28:200:28:22

When I was on Desert Island Discs, which was a very long time ago...

0:28:220:28:25

-Were you somebody's luxury?

-Yeah.

0:28:250:28:27

He was somebody's luxury.

0:28:270:28:29

APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:32

-They said what's your luxury and I chose Frosties...

-Hmm.

0:28:320:28:37

..cos I lived on them at that stage and Frosties sent me

0:28:370:28:40

a year's supply and my wife said, "You're an idiot.

0:28:400:28:45

"Why didn't you say BMW?"

0:28:450:28:48

What were you going to have on your Frosties?

0:28:490:28:51

Yeah, it's got no milk on a desert island...

0:28:510:28:53

-Coconut milk.

-Ah.

0:28:530:28:55

How do you get into the coconut?

0:28:550:28:57

With a knife I've fashioned from my own tibia.

0:28:570:29:00

Yes, this is the warning not to heat up Eccles cakes in your microwave.

0:29:030:29:07

The Eccles cake warning came from a fire station manager

0:29:070:29:10

in Liverpool, although the most common

0:29:100:29:11

cause of a fire in on Merseyside is static electricity from shell suits.

0:29:110:29:15

Meanwhile, cheap,

0:29:170:29:19

inferior caviar is being passed off as top-grade Sevruga caviar.

0:29:190:29:22

At last, a food scandal that affects us all.

0:29:220:29:25

-Or is it just you and me?

-The two of us.

0:29:260:29:29

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:29:290:29:31

BUZZER

0:29:360:29:37

Ah, now.

0:29:370:29:38

I think this is...is this about the guy that's brought out

0:29:380:29:42

a guide on how you can quickly sort of subvert these numbers...

0:29:420:29:44

-Exactly right.

-That's exactly what it is?

0:29:440:29:46

And he's worked it out and he's published this very useful information

0:29:460:29:49

so if you're phoning somebody like, I don't know, BT or whoever it is,

0:29:490:29:52

he pressed these numbers and it gets you through quickly,

0:29:520:29:55

-saves you loads of time. Is that the guy?

-It is exactly right.

0:29:550:29:58

The man is called Nigel Clarke from Fawkham, Kent.

0:29:580:30:00

Did he used to be the speaking clock?

0:30:000:30:02

-Can you skip the music?

-You can skip...

0:30:050:30:06

So when they put Pachelbel's Canon on...

0:30:060:30:08

-That's the only reason why I phone.

-What?

0:30:080:30:10

I only just phone them for the music.

0:30:100:30:12

When I get through to somebody, I say,

0:30:120:30:14

"You've just ruined the song, thank you."

0:30:140:30:16

Confuses them.

0:30:160:30:17

If you dial up Aviva Insurance

0:30:170:30:19

and you're placed in a queue for longer than five minutes,

0:30:190:30:22

he's discovered that if you press option three,

0:30:220:30:24

according to the guide, you can switch the music to jazz and swing.

0:30:240:30:28

If you prefer pop, press four, and Jacob, for industrial dubstep,

0:30:280:30:32

-it's five.

-I must confess I've never heard of that.

-No.

-Mm.

0:30:320:30:36

-I suspect they've probably never heard of you either.

-No, no.

0:30:360:30:40

-Yes.

-It's one of our major industries.

0:30:400:30:43

-Industrial dubstep.

-Is it?

0:30:430:30:45

Not in Somerset, it isn't. I don't think we do that down there.

0:30:460:30:50

Oh, there's a dubstep factory near you, I promise you.

0:30:500:30:52

Why might this man have a similarly high boredom threshold to

0:30:520:30:56

that of Nigel Clarke?

0:30:560:30:57

Is he trying to invent the mobile telephone as it appeared in 1984?

0:30:580:31:03

He is Neil Brittlebank and according to the Sun...

0:31:030:31:06

Mr Brittlebank told the Metro...

0:31:110:31:13

-Yes.

-At which point, the reporter put one in each pocket

0:31:140:31:17

and jumped into a canal.

0:31:170:31:18

Michael Hammett of the British Brick Society said...

0:31:200:31:22

Because some collections of bricks can actually be quite dull.

0:31:240:31:28

And finally, the Daily Mail printed some pictures of inventions

0:31:290:31:32

that never caught on which are part of a new collection.

0:31:320:31:35

-Would you like to see what those are?

-Yeah, absolutely.

0:31:350:31:38

JACOB: That's a pram in the war, isn't it, with a gas mask,

0:31:380:31:42

-effectively.

-A gas-resistant pram, absolutely right.

0:31:420:31:44

Also air-resistant by the look of it.

0:31:440:31:48

Didn't people have gas masks for an air raid so that person's gone,

0:31:480:31:51

"Ooh, it's an air raid, I'll just take the baby out."

0:31:510:31:55

And there's this.

0:31:550:31:56

That is a piano specially designed for the bed-bound.

0:31:580:32:01

Well, it's crushing her. No wonder she can't get out of the bed.

0:32:010:32:06

They should put that on the Chopin channel.

0:32:060:32:08

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:32:080:32:10

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

0:32:100:32:12

And finally, this. Do you want to know what that's for?

0:32:120:32:15

Is it for those who couldn't afford the mascot that came with Rolls-Royces?

0:32:150:32:19

-A Spirit Of Ecstasy?

-Eh, no, it was used in Paris for picking up drunks.

0:32:190:32:24

One was used this week on the M1 for George Michael.

0:32:240:32:27

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:32:270:32:29

Did anyone see how the Sun covered the

0:32:290:32:30

-George-Michael-falling-out-of-a-car story?

-Yes, absolutely.

0:32:300:32:33

Yes, this is a new guide which helps you bypass automated

0:32:380:32:41

menus on the phone.

0:32:410:32:42

The dialling shortcut to report a water leak to

0:32:420:32:45

Lloyds TSB Insurance is...

0:32:450:32:46

To buy a television from Argos, it's...

0:32:480:32:50

And if you've bought a faulty microphone from Currys,

0:32:520:32:54

it's one, two, one, two, one, two.

0:32:540:32:56

Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Josie have two,

0:32:570:33:01

-Paul and Jacob have four.

-No! Yes!

0:33:010:33:03

Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:33:120:33:15

Ian and Josie, your four are...

0:33:150:33:17

Energy Minister Greg Barker and his sausage dog Otto,

0:33:170:33:21

Clint Eastwood,

0:33:210:33:22

Jacob Rees-Mogg

0:33:220:33:24

and a customer in McDonald's in Cork.

0:33:240:33:27

They're all lovers of McDonald's.

0:33:270:33:29

Jacob in particular.

0:33:290:33:31

JACOB: Yes, absolutely. Jolly good stuff.

0:33:310:33:34

OK, I know that you are 100% in favour of privatising

0:33:340:33:38

the postal service.

0:33:380:33:40

So if we can find out that two of these other people

0:33:400:33:42

are in favour of really overpriced...

0:33:420:33:46

-So, what we are saying is he is a Tory.

-Yeah.

0:33:460:33:51

-JACOB: I may know what it is.

-Oh, tell me.

0:33:510:33:53

I was upbraided at Lords last week for putting my feet on the seats.

0:33:530:33:56

The dog of Greg Barker had a cushion warmed in the microwave

0:33:560:34:01

in his ministry and I don't know about the other two.

0:34:010:34:06

In McDonald's in Cork did somebody put their feet on the counter

0:34:060:34:09

or on a chair or was thrown out for not wearing any shoes?

0:34:090:34:11

You are on the right track. Chairs is what it is all about.

0:34:110:34:14

-Clint had a conversation with a chair.

-That's one.

0:34:140:34:16

-You were ticked off by stewards.

-A steward. Just the one.

0:34:160:34:19

It didn't take a bevy of them.

0:34:190:34:21

What were you doing putting your feet on a seat?

0:34:210:34:23

Well, they're quite cramped. There's not a lot of space.

0:34:230:34:26

Wasn't there an urchin somewhere...?

0:34:260:34:28

LAUGHTER

0:34:280:34:29

Who do you think is the odd one out?

0:34:290:34:30

OK, let's go for the obvious one - Jacob.

0:34:300:34:33

No.

0:34:330:34:34

-It's the customer in Cork.

-It's absolutely not that either.

0:34:340:34:37

It's the bloke with the dog.

0:34:370:34:38

JACOB: It's the dog because Greg Barker didn't do

0:34:380:34:41

anything to do with seats but the dog did it.

0:34:410:34:44

You're absolutely right. The dog had a cushion.

0:34:440:34:47

JOSIE: I'm really sorry. I thought I had it.

0:34:470:34:49

The McDonald's customer in Cork found himself in a rather

0:34:490:34:52

embarrassing predicament when he got stuck in a baby highchair.

0:34:520:34:55

There's a picture of him.

0:34:550:34:56

There he is. McMoron.

0:34:560:34:58

The man was finally rescued but not before he had crushed his McNuggets.

0:35:000:35:04

The Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood.

0:35:040:35:07

What did Clint say he was thinking behind this ad-libbed speech

0:35:070:35:10

-to an empty chair?

-The president was not effectively holding office.

0:35:100:35:14

It was as though there was no-one in government.

0:35:140:35:17

According to the Telegraph, Clint said it was supposed to be...

0:35:170:35:20

He doesn't even know what his name is any more.

0:35:210:35:25

Jacob, what of yours was longer than anyone else's in Parliament?

0:35:250:35:29

LAUGHTER

0:35:290:35:31

-Floccinaucinihilipilification, I've got a feeling that is.

-Yes.

0:35:310:35:35

Meaning, of course, the estimation of something as valueless.

0:35:350:35:38

-That's absolutely right, yes.

-It was the longest word in Hansard.

0:35:380:35:41

It has since been beaten by the length of the "boo"

0:35:410:35:43

whenever George Osborne starts to speak.

0:35:430:35:46

Jacob Rees-Mogg also stirred controversy

0:35:460:35:48

when it was revealed that he and the King of Spain

0:35:480:35:51

had their own special loo to sit on in Claridges.

0:35:510:35:53

Jacob explained...

0:35:530:35:54

-JACOB: That's pretty true.

-Adding...

0:35:570:35:59

LAUGHTER

0:36:010:36:02

I don't know if you have heard but being a member of the public

0:36:040:36:06

is not strictly speaking a disability.

0:36:060:36:09

Oh, dear. Yes.

0:36:110:36:13

-Paul and Jacob, here are yours.

-Oh, it's our turn, is it?

0:36:130:36:17

Grandpa from The Munsters,

0:36:170:36:19

an owl's face,

0:36:190:36:20

Dan Brown

0:36:200:36:21

and Ali the turtle.

0:36:210:36:23

The owl does look like he's got his face on upside down.

0:36:230:36:27

Ali the turtle, I don't... Dan Brown has got another book out.

0:36:270:36:29

He wrote The Da Vinci Code.

0:36:290:36:31

What is interesting about the owl? That's a good clue.

0:36:310:36:33

He's meant to look like his head is upside down but is that...?

0:36:330:36:36

-Upside down is a good tack.

-A good way to look at it.

0:36:360:36:39

Ah, yes, cos bats hang upside down, don't they?

0:36:390:36:41

So Grandpa as a vampire would go to sleep upside down.

0:36:410:36:44

JOSIE: I know that Dan Brown hangs upside down.

0:36:440:36:47

-That is his cure for writer's block.

-Is right, yeah.

0:36:470:36:49

JACOB: The turtle is odd one out because it had its back

0:36:490:36:52

-opened and weights put in so it would sink.

-Absolutely right. Yes.

0:36:520:36:55

They all hang upside down. Well done.

0:36:550:36:57

APPLAUSE

0:36:570:36:59

They all hang upside down apart from Ali the turtle,

0:37:000:37:03

who has been fitted with a special belt so she doesn't turn

0:37:030:37:06

upside down whilst in water.

0:37:060:37:07

Do you know why she was turning upside down?

0:37:070:37:09

She got an infection, I think. Got a bit of air in her back.

0:37:090:37:12

She was hit by a boat. An air bubble, yeah. An air bubble

0:37:120:37:15

under her shell. Using a scuba diver's weight belt,

0:37:150:37:18

the Weymouth Sealife Centre has found a way to keep her upright.

0:37:180:37:20

Experiments are now being carried out to see

0:37:200:37:23

if the same technology will, in fact, work for George Michael.

0:37:230:37:26

Here is the turtle with the belt.

0:37:260:37:28

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, God. I'm going to beg with a turtle now.

0:37:280:37:31

The marine biologist responsible says he got the idea

0:37:320:37:35

when disposing of an unwanted puppy at Christmas.

0:37:350:37:39

Dan Brown has revealed that to cure writer's block he hangs

0:37:390:37:42

upside down and after reading one paragraph of Dan Brown

0:37:420:37:45

I usually want to hang myself the right way up.

0:37:450:37:48

Dan Brown's new book Inferno is now in the shops.

0:37:480:37:51

According to the Sunday Times...

0:37:510:37:53

But not one of them has been able to translate it into decent English.

0:37:570:38:02

Which means, at the end of this round,

0:38:020:38:04

-it's two to Ian and Josie...

-Still?

0:38:040:38:05

..and six to Paul and Jacob.

0:38:050:38:08

JOSIE: I thought I'd got it.

0:38:080:38:10

Two?!

0:38:110:38:12

We've done even worse.

0:38:140:38:17

Time now for the missing words round.

0:38:170:38:19

This week's guest publication is Psychic Today.

0:38:190:38:21

I have to say I really did enjoy next September's issue.

0:38:210:38:25

And we start with...

0:38:250:38:26

-It's not jail, is it?

-No.

-Good.

0:38:290:38:31

Space, coincidentally,

0:38:370:38:39

being a place where you really do need to tie your kangaroo down.

0:38:390:38:43

Next.

0:38:430:38:44

JACOB: It's alcohol-fuelled.

0:38:460:38:48

-Too boozy.

-Too boozy.

0:38:480:38:49

Absolutely right. Boozy is the right word.

0:38:490:38:51

Drunk MPs actually deserve our sympathy as,

0:38:510:38:53

when they stagger out of one of Parliament's bars, they then have

0:38:530:38:56

the extra problem of remembering which of their homes to go back to.

0:38:560:39:01

Next.

0:39:010:39:02

Apparently he was in the pub one lunchtime and drank some beer

0:39:030:39:06

and then was like, "Ooh." Started going all funny.

0:39:060:39:09

He went into a church and saw a swan getting married to a helicopter.

0:39:090:39:12

"I'm never having any more of that again," he said.

0:39:120:39:15

Signed the pledge.

0:39:150:39:16

Ben Fogle reckons his drink may have been spiked by Russian agents,

0:39:190:39:22

who could have mistaken him for CIA spy Ryan Fogle.

0:39:220:39:25

Sounds far-fetched until you learn that Russian TV has just

0:39:250:39:28

asked Ryan Fogle to present Crufts.

0:39:280:39:31

Next.

0:39:310:39:32

JOSIE: Severe punishments for psychics

0:39:330:39:35

and we wish we didn't know about it.

0:39:350:39:38

What will it bring?

0:39:380:39:39

According to the Daily Mail...

0:39:420:39:43

If only they had the Daily Mail.

0:39:460:39:49

And finally...

0:39:500:39:52

JACOB: There's a James Bond film about that

0:39:530:39:56

but I can't remember the ones that come out. She draws the pack.

0:39:560:39:58

-Live And Let Die.

-Live And Let Die.

-Can you sing the theme tune?

0:39:580:40:01

-I'm not going to do that now, no.

-Oh, go on.

-No, no, no, no.

0:40:010:40:05

Modernising Tory party? Sing the theme tune.

0:40:050:40:08

It is...

0:40:100:40:11

-The two of cups?

-JACOB: And what does that mean?

0:40:110:40:13

The two of cups is the second most powerful card in the tarot deck.

0:40:130:40:16

Just below the ace of crap.

0:40:160:40:19

HE MOUTHS

0:40:190:40:21

And so, the final scores are

0:40:210:40:23

Ian and Josie on four

0:40:230:40:24

but Paul and Jacob on six.

0:40:240:40:25

APPLAUSE

0:40:250:40:27

Well done.

0:40:270:40:28

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

0:40:330:40:36

Rural communities more relaxed about gay marriage

0:40:360:40:39

than people who live in towns.

0:40:390:40:42

And I leave you with news that

0:40:420:40:43

midway through her Eurovision performance,

0:40:430:40:45

Bonnie Tyler glances towards the wings

0:40:450:40:47

in search of a supportive gesture from her family.

0:40:470:40:50

Before leaping off a cliff,

0:40:520:40:54

a group of lemmings decide to enjoy one last meal.

0:40:540:40:56

AUDIENCE: Aw.

0:40:560:40:58

-Oh, God.

-JACOB: They are animal lovers.

0:40:580:41:01

There's your menagerie. I've got to add a lemming now.

0:41:010:41:04

You want that 200 quid a day.

0:41:040:41:07

You want a lemming on the edge of a cliff,

0:41:070:41:08

-a goose looking at a helicopter...

-JACOB: A swan.

-A swan, yeah.

0:41:080:41:12

I'll try a goose.

0:41:120:41:13

Yeah, goose, swan.

0:41:130:41:15

And in Liverpool, animal rights activists complain that John Bishop

0:41:150:41:18

has forced his dog to undergo unnecessary veterinary procedures.

0:41:180:41:21

Good night.

0:41:240:41:26

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0:41:380:41:41

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