Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 7

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Transcript


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Robert Lindsay. In the news this week...

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In Tirana, the Albanian Space Programme

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puts its first recruit through astronaut training.

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The head chef at the Ivy explains how they managed to cope when

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Victoria Beckham had breakfast with Eric Pickles.

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And word spreads among a battalion of women soldiers

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that the evening's entertainment would be headlined by Jim Davidson.

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On Ian's team tonight a Dragon from BBC 2's Dragon's Den,

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who says the most important things she expects from other people

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is total honesty. Fair enough.

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So, please welcome the last minute replacement for Duncan Bannatyne...

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, Deborah Meaden.

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I'm out.

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian

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who is a fine actor and also accomplished at pottery.

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Skills which, when he was auditioning

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for the lead role in the film Ghost, got him into the last 76,000.

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Please welcome, Johnny Vegas.

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APPLAUSE

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So, we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Deborah, take a look at this.

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Burning the European flag.

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That's our Prime Minister with the president.

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That one is the Send In The Clowns man. Isn't that right?

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This is the Conservative Party voting against itself

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-over the Queen's Speech.

-That's a first, really.

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Usually the Government announces a Queen's Speech

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and then they back it. This time they announced and thought

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-"No, this is rubbish."

-Yep.

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So they had an amendment immediately to say

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"Look, that Queen's Speech wasn't very good.

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"We regret that there wasn't some other stuff in it."

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The Prime Minister then said

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"Yeah, you're right. I'm going to put forward a bill

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"saying it wasn't very good." But it was your Queen's Speech.

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Who is the real victory for?

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Well, it's sadly a victory for UKIP.

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Or the Daily Express. And that's according to the Daily Express.

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Gosh, I thought victory for the Daily Express

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is when Diana is revived.

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So, what has happened to the support

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for the major parties while all of this has been going on?

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I think the public have concluded

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that they don't really know what they're doing.

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Because Ed Miliband, who is meant to be leading the opposition

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but, in fact, the opposition is now being led by Boris.

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So, the Conservative Party now does government, coalition, opposition.

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And UKIP.

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You explain it so well. You need to get a handle on this, Ian.

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You need to control what is going on

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because you appear to be the only one who does.

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But I am controlling.

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Actually, according to most pollsters, UKIP are now...

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Who has personally boosted UKIP support?

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-Des Lynam.

-What's he done?

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He's one of the old BBC presenters without an electronic tag, isn't he?

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APPLAUSE

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There speaks a confident man.

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Even I'm getting worried, I tell you.

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Claims he's rewritten these lyrics to Send In The Clowns.

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It's not been much of a rewrite. Changed a couple of words, but he's suggested...

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Send In The Clowns, the old Stephen Sondheim tune from A Little Night Music.

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Do you want a quick blast?

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SIGHS

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Don't give up the day job, Des.

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Oh, you have.

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Mind you, I should imagine Stephen Sondheim

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commentating on Southampton versus Newcastle

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would be equally inept as Des Lynam rewriting Stephen Sondheim.

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How is David Cameron reacting

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while the whole flimsy house of cards collapses around him?

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He went off to America, which is

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always a good thing to do if you're in trouble is go abroad.

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They actually flew over with Prince Harry.

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According to the Independent, David Cameron...

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It was just the two of them so they both had to sit next to the nutter.

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LAUGHTER

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-What were they presented with?

-With look-alike dolls.

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Yes. Effigies made by a British firm called Makies. Here they are.

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Do they know who they're look-alikes of?

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Someone said they look like lesbian Mormons.

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That is the campest Prince Harry ever.

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Came up with a lovely comment saying

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"The beret makes me look a bit French."

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No, you don't wear a beret like that. This is how you wear a beret.

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Do you remember those days? There were people who were left wing.

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So long ago.

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Thanks, Ian(!)

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LAUGHTER

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The dolls are made by designing the image using a special app

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and then ordering the doll to be manufactured and delivered.

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We are still at the design stage with these.

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Look, here is Paul Merton.

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And we have, in fact, Ian.

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-Shall we have a quick greedy bastards update?

-Yeah!

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Does it come with a signature tune?

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# Greedy bastards greedy bastards

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# Greedy bastards update. #

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Vodafone, anyone? What have they done?

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-Is this a tax avoiders round?

-It's bound to be.

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-Vodafone, they haven't paid any tax.

-Goldman Sachs.

-Boo!

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-Disgraceful.

-Someone challenged them, the Revenue.

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Cos the Revenue did a deal where basically

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Goldman Sachs didn't have to pay interest on what

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they owed to the tax man. Let alone what they actually owe.

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And the courts decided in Goldman Sachs's favour.

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Which is absolutely extraordinary.

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And Amazon?

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I know this one. Look at that.

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I'm quite nervous, it's me first show.

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Me dad rang me and went, "Don't spoil this for us."

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What a starter for ten.

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They must just be sat there going, "Just don't. Don't."

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There is a discussion going on around me

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and in my head two kittens are fighting over a pork chop.

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Yeah, they've avoided it by...

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It goes through Luxembourg.

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Everything is processed there, packaged and sent off.

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But because the sales are processed in Europe,

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they avoid paying the UK tax.

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The man from Google has to go back to Parliament to explain why

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he didn't appear to be telling the truth.

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I'm not saying he wasn't.

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Just Google "truth" and see if anything comes up.

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How many female historical figures has the Bank of England

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put on a new banknote?

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-Go.

-None.

-Correct.

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Elizabeth Fry is going to be removed. Penal reformer.

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How do you feel about women being ignored like this, Johnny, Paul?

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Sorry, Deborah.

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Did anyone see the interview Bruce Johnson? Boris, Bruce.

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-Bruce Johnson!

-Bruce.

-He was in the Beach Boys.

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Who's the other guy? The kung fu guy? Anyway.

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Did anyone see Bruce...? Oh, f...

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Did anyone see the interview Boris Johnson

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gave this week on the subject of the EU?

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Keep your eye on the right-hand side of the screen.

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If we're honest, democratically, it would be rather a...

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LAUGHTER

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Hang on. Here it is slowed down.

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LAUGHTER

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JOHNNY: That's my dad.

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Johnny, hello.

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-Hello.

-Good evening and welcome. Take a look at this.

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Oh, it's black and white.

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These look like spies in London Zoo. Sort of handing over...

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Oh, yes, this is - the wigs are the clue.

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There was a man in Russia...

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That's him! That's the guy.

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Some American CIA agent, I believe,

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who was caught in Russia with a selection of cheap wigs and...

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Yep, that's the guy.

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..fake passports and all that kind of stuff.

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It was a bit ludicrous, really, because it was sort of amidst all

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the high tech of modern espionage,

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here was a man who was wearing a little blonde wig and his suitcase

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and stuff. That's what it was about, isn't it?

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It's the biggest spy scandal since Sky 1 failed to recommission

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a certain award-winning comedy.

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LAUGHTER

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Still amazing how people don't have Sky, isn't that weird?

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I've got Sky, I just don't watch anything with "Sky" written on it.

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Hands up how many people have got Sky.

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I got it, but I got given it for nothing.

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And then got paranoid that they were just recording me conversations

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in the house.

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They're putting them out on a channel that you're not watching.

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Yeah, I'm just putting on a channel and speaking in hushed tones going,

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"It's tea time.

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"But don't tell them what we're eating."

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What alerted the Russian security service to the fact that

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this Ryan Fogle might not be simply the Third Secretary

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from the political section of the US Embassy?

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Was he wearing all three wigs at the same time?

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Let's have a look at the spy wig.

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Plastic surgery's not very advanced in Russia,

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according to that bloke on the right.

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Has he been arrested for forming a sixth form band?

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How did the Russians identify Mr Fogle?

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Well, if you're the Third Political Secretary, you are a spook.

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Traditionally.

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So they saw him and then they saw that the wig didn't fit.

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No, but his rudimentary kit also included his...

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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Twat.

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Ah, yes, the follow up.

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No, no, no, he was also carrying a letter written in Russian.

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To the contacts, to the person he was going to turn.

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To become a spy for us.

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Or for the Americans, anyway.

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-And it said, "Dear colleague..."

-"Dear friend."

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-Friend?

-Yeah, and offered £65,300 for an initial interview.

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-Yeah.

-Explaining...

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"Especially as I, myself, am a bungling amateur."

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Did he also have one of those business cards that you

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print off at the, you know, the service stations?

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"I also am available for children's parties."

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Yes, well, it continued...

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"That's right.

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"We've written everything down in this incriminating letter

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"to be handed over to you by a man wearing three pairs of glasses

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"and a dodgy wig."

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So, what were the instructions given to the "target" to devise

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a highly complex and secure way of communicating with his new bosses?

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"Wander around St Petersburg asking people if

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"the seagull flies high over Krakow tonight?"

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Actually, he was told to...

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Well, that's secure(!)

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I've only had my credit card raided twice through doing that.

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Do you think they're targeting you?

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There's a fundamental paranoia at work.

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I reckon they're after those tea bags.

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The pyramid!

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It changed the world!

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Know what I mean? First of all the Egyptians and now me!

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APPLAUSE

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My favourite television programme.

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-It's like a show but we're selling stuff.

-Yeah.

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And people are suffering as...

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I've got to shut up, I need that money.

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It's lovely.

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He's after your job, he's trying to lure you in.

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-Yeah.

-Make a mistake.

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We can have you in as a cameo.

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You're like an evil coffee drinker.

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-How was Ben Fogle, sorry, Ryan Fogle...

-Ryan Fogle. Not Ben Fogle.

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How has he been described by the Russians?

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Well, probably no better than we have described him now.

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-Yes, exactly.

-Part of the point of this is just to take the focus

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away from the fact that Russia and America were getting quite friendly

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-and Putin doesn't want that.

-What, might the whole thing have been

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set up on the part of the Russian government, do you think?

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They could have set him up so the Americans look bad

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and they don't have to cooperate any more.

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-So it could be very sinister.

-Interesting.

-As well as amusing.

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Some members of the Russian government are alarmed

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at increasing closeness between Russia and the West

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and might be trying to drive a wedge between them.

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In these pictures, taken a few days ago, Vladimir Putin seems to

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be paying David Cameron very, very close attention.

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So many echoes of the Cold War and spies.

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Try and guess what headlines the papers chose to go

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with on this particular thing.

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-Good evening, Mr Blond.

-Very good.

-Thank you.

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I could work for a tabloid.

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-It's always nice to have an ambition in life, isn't it?

-It is.

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So, staying with Russia,

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anyone know what song the Russian armed forces are choosing

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to march to?

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Is it Dancing With The Captain by Paul Nicholas?

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Let's have a look.

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# SpongeBob SquarePants

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# SpongeBob SquarePants. #

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APPLAUSE

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That's fantastic.

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If you were ever scared of the Red Army, it's gone.

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Do they know about his friend Patrick?

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-Patrick?

-Yeah.

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What's Patrick's condition?

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Well, Patrick's the first openly-gay cartoon crab, I think.

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-Is he a crab, Patrick?

-No, he's a starfish.

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-Starfish, sorry.

-I've come into me own now.

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Mr Krabby, he runs a local burger joint -

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it's not McDonalds.

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It's very similar and he's very tight-fisted.

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And...yeah, he goes to a boat school.

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He desperately wants to drive a boat.

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But he can never get his licence.

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It's gripping stuff.

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I should have possibly watched less of that

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and more of the news before I came on here.

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But something instinctively told me it might come up as a subject.

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Well, it did.

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And now it's gone.

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Yes, this is the espionage scandal in which an unidentified person

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was captured in Moscow this week

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along with an espionage kit, which included...

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Either he's a spy or Elton John is now lost in Russia on his tour.

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So, at the end of that round, two points each.

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Oh!

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And so, the round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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Is it inbreeding in the Royal Family?

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DEBORAH: No, it's the original...

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Isn't that the Duke of Clarence?

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Is it the original Olympics?

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There's beer-swilling and shin-kicking and...

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The Cotswold Olimpicks.

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They were chronicled in an ancient pamphlet, which is up for auction.

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According to the Times...

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Much like the career of Bruce Forsyth.

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See if you can identify the sort of games that were played,

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using an image taken from the book.

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It looks like sword fighting we can see top right.

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-Standing on your head, in the middle.

-Yeah.

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Misunderstanding perspective.

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That was a very popular sport at the time.

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Hand stands.

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-JOHNNY VEGAS: Shin-kicking.

-Say again?

-Shin-kicking.

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-Did you just copy me?

-That's right.

-Did you just copy me?

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No, you said hand stands.

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Oh, no, you're right. I said hand stands.

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-Yeah, but were you copying her?

-I'm confused enough as it is.

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If you start making things up, I'm in real trouble.

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Anyone know what dwile flonking is?

0:17:180:17:21

He sounds like a daytime presenter. "Over to Dwile Flonking."

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Is that the beer thing?

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-Yes, yes.

-That's the beer.

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JOHNNY: Why would you dodge them?

0:17:310:17:33

That's like a packed lunch.

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Let's have a look at you, Deborah, on Dragons' Den,

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giving some encouragement to some hopeful entrepreneurs.

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DEBORAH: 'Oh, no. No.'

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'Oh, dear.'

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Do you know? I am not going to waste my words any more. So I'm out.

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APPLAUSE

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I would pay to watch you speed date.

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What has Delia Smith said this week?

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She has said that we need to go back

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to cooking without using recipe books.

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Yeah, but the series just before, she was basically doing Findus

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and Birds Eye, wasn't she? So, how further back can we go?

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-Findus and Birds Eye? Delia Smith?

-You had to have a microwave.

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I can't do the maths.

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If it's an 850W or a 700W, you know, and they go for two and...

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I just put it in for ten minutes and turn it into soup.

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I just prepare my straw and wait for the ding.

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This is the Cotswold Olimpicks,

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which began in the 17th century and still takes place today.

0:19:000:19:04

The games include a gurning competition.

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Of course, the best gurn in the Cotswolds last year was

0:19:080:19:11

given by Rebekah Brooks, when the police turned up.

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And the first games in 1612 were rocked by scandal when some of the

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competitors tested positive for snuff.

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So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:19:250:19:26

BUZZER

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This is Chris Hadfield who has celebrated his final days

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up in the Space Station by serenading us with a Bowie song.

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That's right, Space Oddity, here it is.

0:19:410:19:44

# Though I've flown 100,000 miles

0:19:440:19:48

# I'm feeling very still

0:19:480:19:52

# And before too long I know it's time to go

0:19:530:19:59

# Our commander comes down back to Earth and knows... #

0:20:000:20:07

He's changed the lyrics as well.

0:20:090:20:11

It's not bad, is it?

0:20:230:20:24

He's no Des Lynam, but anyway.

0:20:240:20:26

Actually, how did David Bowie respond, do you think?

0:20:260:20:29

Oh, I should think he was immensely chuffed.

0:20:290:20:31

-Well, actually he tweeted.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

0:20:310:20:34

So what else has Chris Hadfield done to attract attention to himself

0:20:360:20:39

whilst up in space?

0:20:390:20:41

Has he started a war with Mars?

0:20:410:20:42

He's actually tweeted from his position on the

0:20:440:20:46

International Space Station which actually is...

0:20:460:20:49

I mean that's incredible, isn't it? It's incredible.

0:20:510:20:53

I can't even get a 3G signal in Tooting.

0:20:530:20:56

Ah, so why might it be easier to travel to space from Sussex

0:20:570:21:00

than was previously thought?

0:21:000:21:02

Eh, Sussex is the highest place on the Earth.

0:21:020:21:05

LAUGHTER

0:21:050:21:08

So it takes less time to get there.

0:21:080:21:10

According to the Brighton Argus...

0:21:100:21:13

LAUGHTER

0:21:170:21:19

That could be a door though, couldn't it?

0:21:240:21:26

You know, there's the kitchen, there's the hallway.

0:21:270:21:31

It's another place.

0:21:310:21:33

It's worrying news because Des Lynam lives in Brighton.

0:21:330:21:37

Any minute he'll start pushing immigrants down the vortex.

0:21:370:21:41

Does anyone know how this discovery was made?

0:21:410:21:43

-What, of the portal?

-Yes.

0:21:430:21:45

Why doesn't everybody know this story? This is fantastic.

0:21:450:21:49

A member of the public in Brighton told Hove City Council...

0:21:490:21:52

Affenpinscher, isn't that a crime in Austria?

0:22:030:22:07

So, on the subject of sounds in unexpected places,

0:22:080:22:11

what has been troubling funeral goers?

0:22:110:22:15

-Oh, mobile phones going off...

-Yeah.

-..in coffins.

0:22:150:22:17

Go on.

0:22:170:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:20

Where are you? We said we'd meet at half past two.

0:22:200:22:22

Where are you?

0:22:220:22:24

In a study for the Co-operative Funeral Care,

0:22:240:22:27

funerals were found to be the most inappropriate place to use

0:22:270:22:30

a mobile phone.

0:22:300:22:32

According to the Times...

0:22:320:22:33

Well, this is what'll happen.

0:22:450:22:46

Yeah, but the pallbearers did.

0:22:460:22:48

I actually had a big shock today.

0:22:510:22:52

I have officially been told by Who Do You Think You Are?

0:22:520:22:55

that my family has achieved

0:22:550:22:57

so little in 400 years that they're not going to bother.

0:22:570:23:03

-AUDIENCE: Aw.

-Aw.

0:23:030:23:05

APPLAUSE

0:23:050:23:06

-Are you serious?

-Serious.

0:23:080:23:10

All we did was illegally bury a body, but there's not much...

0:23:100:23:15

LAUGHTER

0:23:150:23:16

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:23:180:23:20

BUZZER

0:23:200:23:21

Oh, sorry, we've not had a question. I panicked, I panicked.

0:23:210:23:23

I panicked.

0:23:230:23:24

Oh, here we go.

0:23:270:23:28

-Yeah.

-DEBORAH: Who is it?

0:23:280:23:30

BUZZER

0:23:300:23:32

-That's the Israeli PM.

-Oh, it's the amount of money he spends.

0:23:320:23:35

He spends a fortune on his hair

0:23:350:23:37

and clothes and whatever he's holding there.

0:23:370:23:39

Ice cream and food and stuff.

0:23:390:23:41

He paid to have a bed put on a plane when he came over

0:23:410:23:43

for Mrs Thatcher's funeral so he could get some sleep.

0:23:430:23:46

He could have slept during the funeral.

0:23:460:23:49

So what embarrassing revelation was revealed about Netanyahu's

0:23:490:23:53

eating habits at the start of the year?

0:23:530:23:55

Is he sort of very fond of desserts?

0:23:550:23:57

That would be scandalous.

0:23:570:23:59

-JOHNNY: What, Zoom lollies?

-We don't know.

0:23:590:24:01

His household account showed that he had a budget...

0:24:020:24:05

And presumably that's...

0:24:100:24:11

..Wailing Walls.

0:24:120:24:14

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:24:140:24:17

Come on.

0:24:170:24:18

You've spent a lot of money on ice cream, haven't you, Deborah?

0:24:200:24:22

Mine's doggie ice cream.

0:24:220:24:24

Are those the ingredients?

0:24:240:24:26

What's doggie ice cream?

0:24:260:24:28

Nutritious ice treats for dogs.

0:24:280:24:30

Don't look at me like that, Ian.

0:24:300:24:32

-I thought we were on the same team.

-Yeah.

0:24:320:24:34

Well, nominally.

0:24:340:24:36

You're missing tea bags now, aren't you?

0:24:360:24:39

-Shall we see this?

-Yeah, they've probably got an advert for it.

0:24:410:24:44

DEBORAH: There you go.

0:24:440:24:46

JOHNNY: That's ice cream for dogs and I look at that

0:24:460:24:48

and all I can hear is # Where is love? #

0:24:480:24:51

So you've found a way of giving dogs the same guilt as my wife.

0:24:530:24:58

DEBORAH: Dogs don't feel guilty.

0:24:590:25:00

JOHNNY: A dog now can sit there and go, "I hate meself."

0:25:000:25:04

Thanks, Deborah. Now, I want to rock in the corner and cry.

0:25:050:25:09

Now the other dogs ignore me at the park.

0:25:090:25:13

Speaking of the Middle East...

0:25:130:25:16

Why don't we bring out some Polaroids for dogs?

0:25:160:25:19

What's this man doing?

0:25:190:25:21

He's delivering Kentucky Fried Chicken.

0:25:210:25:23

He's going through the border and delivering Kentucky Fried Chicken

0:25:230:25:26

to a country where they have no outlets.

0:25:260:25:27

It's the Al-Yamama delivery firm,

0:25:270:25:29

who's delivering KFC into the Gaza Strip.

0:25:290:25:32

But how long has Elvis Presley had this job?

0:25:320:25:35

Everybody's looking at the bag.

0:25:370:25:39

It's Elvis Presley!

0:25:390:25:41

There's your story.

0:25:410:25:43

In other news, what was advertised in the Stage magazine this week?

0:25:430:25:46

Was it a job(?)

0:25:460:25:48

-Don't knock it, pal!

-Yeah, exactly.

0:25:490:25:52

A company recruiting for a new telesales position

0:25:520:25:55

advertised for a vacancy.

0:25:550:25:57

Let's have a look at the advert.

0:25:570:26:00

Fingers on buzzers, teams, please.

0:26:000:26:03

BUZZER

0:26:070:26:08

Oh, yes, this is the great invention.

0:26:080:26:10

In about five, ten years' time, they reckon they'll have a car

0:26:100:26:13

which you'll be able to get into and say, "Take me home,"

0:26:130:26:16

and the car will take you home. It will react to other cars around it.

0:26:160:26:19

It's the driverless car.

0:26:190:26:21

You'll be able to get into the car in whatever condition you like

0:26:210:26:24

-and be delivered home safely.

-You can drink, then?

-Absolutely.

0:26:240:26:27

Pubs in the countryside - not that it really bothers them anyway

0:26:270:26:30

in the countryside - but they'll be looking forward to this

0:26:300:26:33

because it means you can have a few and get home safely.

0:26:330:26:35

This invention that you just get in and whatever state you're in,

0:26:350:26:39

-you say and it takes you home...

-A taxi.

-Yeah.

0:26:390:26:42

Sorry, you were taking a little while to get there.

0:26:440:26:47

I know this route, I know a shortcut round the back.

0:26:470:26:50

Round the back of the gasworks, turn left,

0:26:500:26:52

turn left there, there you are, that's the ice rink,

0:26:520:26:54

that's where you want to be.

0:26:540:26:56

Eh, actually, here's Sergey Brin, he's founder of Google

0:26:560:27:00

and one of the people backing the idea, in one of the cars.

0:27:000:27:03

Yeah, you can see it's a Google car, look, because there's no tax disc.

0:27:030:27:07

Tch!

0:27:080:27:10

In other technology news,

0:27:130:27:14

what have more than 100,000 people downloaded this week?

0:27:140:27:18

Do we not know?

0:27:180:27:19

No.

0:27:190:27:21

-DEEP VOICE:

-A gun.

0:27:210:27:22

Oh, yes. The plastic 3-D gun.

0:27:220:27:24

A controversial group in America has released the blueprints

0:27:240:27:27

to a gun you can print on a 3-D printer.

0:27:270:27:29

What did the Mail On Sunday do with one of these guns?

0:27:290:27:32

Kill somebody?

0:27:320:27:34

No, they fired it at a... No, I don't know. I didn't read it.

0:27:340:27:38

No idea. I could be here for ages. They built one.

0:27:380:27:41

They built it and they took it on Eurostar.

0:27:410:27:44

JOHNNY: Wow(!)

0:27:440:27:45

So, is it just the gun that's made of plastic?

0:27:450:27:48

Yeah.

0:27:490:27:51

JOHNNY: Doesn't it look like he's just run out of roses to water?

0:27:510:27:54

Eat your heart out, Ryan Fogle.

0:27:550:27:58

In other technological advances, what can men now do?

0:28:020:28:05

-Easy, Deborah.

-What can men now do?

0:28:050:28:09

JOHNNY: Tell the truth.

0:28:090:28:10

In an awkward social situation.

0:28:100:28:14

-Get pregnant.

-Ah, we're getting near.

0:28:150:28:19

We're getting near to it? What's near to being pregnant?

0:28:190:28:22

I genuinely hope so, because my figure's already gone.

0:28:220:28:25

I'm desperate to have a child to justify this.

0:28:250:28:30

You can. You can.

0:28:300:28:32

They can experience the pain of childbirth by using a new simulator,

0:28:320:28:36

and here are two reporters from a local station in Michigan

0:28:360:28:40

giving it a try. Watch this.

0:28:400:28:42

MAN GROANS

0:28:420:28:44

It's starting to come down now, you guys are doing awesome.

0:28:440:28:48

MAN BREATHES HEAVILY

0:28:480:28:50

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:28:500:28:52

But then they turn the simulator on!

0:29:050:29:07

Yes, the driverless car is soon to be seen on British roads.

0:29:080:29:11

Manufacturer Malcolm McCulloch told the Sunday Times...

0:29:110:29:15

Which is great news, because it means that a presenter-less Top Gear

0:29:170:29:21

could be deployable within six.

0:29:210:29:23

In other technology news, 3D printable guns have been banned.

0:29:260:29:30

Now, a 3-D printer costs about 8,000,

0:29:300:29:34

and obviously, once you've bought one, the first thing to do

0:29:340:29:36

is print out another printer.

0:29:360:29:38

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:29:400:29:42

One between you this week.

0:29:420:29:44

Chris Huhne,

0:29:440:29:45

Sisyphus,

0:29:450:29:47

Radio Stoke's Paula White,

0:29:470:29:49

and marathon runner Jake Harrison.

0:29:490:29:51

Is this about sentencing?

0:29:510:29:53

Chris Huhne has just come out of prison.

0:29:530:29:56

Sisyphus - eternal life sentence.

0:29:560:29:58

-Quite strict.

-Sentencing is good, yeah.

0:29:580:30:01

So it is sentencing?

0:30:010:30:02

No.

0:30:020:30:04

DEBORAH: It's good, but it's wrong.

0:30:040:30:06

Is it lying? Because Sisyphus was in for lying.

0:30:060:30:08

No.

0:30:080:30:09

Is it pushing a rock up a hill?

0:30:090:30:11

JOHNNY: What I never understood with that,

0:30:110:30:14

as punishment pushing the rock up the hill, is...

0:30:140:30:16

there's got to be a point where you go,

0:30:160:30:18

"I'm never going to reach the top."

0:30:180:30:20

They are watching, and they come and get him if he ever stops.

0:30:220:30:25

Oh, do they?

0:30:250:30:26

Who are watching, Ian?

0:30:260:30:28

G4S.

0:30:280:30:29

Wouldn't let him...they let him go.

0:30:320:30:34

They've all failed to finish what they were doing,

0:30:340:30:37

apart from Jake Harrison, who did complete the Marathon of the North,

0:30:370:30:41

but was the only one to do so,

0:30:410:30:43

as the other 793 runners went the wrong way.

0:30:430:30:46

Was he responsible for putting the arrows up, this bloke?

0:30:460:30:50

Have you ever managed a full marathon, John?

0:30:500:30:53

Well, it's Snickers nowadays.

0:30:530:30:55

Wah-wah!

0:30:560:30:57

-No. I-I've actually got a letter off me doctor, for life.

-Yeah.

0:31:010:31:05

I get cigarettes on the NHS.

0:31:050:31:07

I'm the only one.

0:31:070:31:09

What compensation...

0:31:090:31:11

-Cos with running... Oh, sorry.

-I'm so sorry, Johnny.

0:31:110:31:13

It's OK. You carry on.

0:31:130:31:15

-Should I?

-Yeah, this one's best left in me head.

-OK.

0:31:150:31:18

Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce,

0:31:180:31:20

who were released from prison this week

0:31:200:31:22

after completing just two months of their eight-month prison sentence

0:31:220:31:26

for perverting the course of justice.

0:31:260:31:28

Is everything forgiven between Huhne and Pryce now?

0:31:280:31:31

I have no evidence, but I should think they're probably

0:31:310:31:34

less than chums.

0:31:340:31:36

The Mirror has revealed that Pryce is intent on

0:31:360:31:39

humiliating Chris and is going to write a...

0:31:390:31:43

Chris Huhne is also thought to be considering a tell-all memoir,

0:31:430:31:46

but only if he can persuade Vicky Pryce to write it for him!

0:31:460:31:51

What does Chris Huhne plan to do now he's a convicted felon?

0:31:510:31:54

Hire a chauffeur?

0:31:540:31:56

One Liberal Democrat source assured us that...

0:31:560:31:59

..Unless, of course, it involves politics,

0:32:050:32:08

driving or crime.

0:32:080:32:09

Or marriage.

0:32:110:32:13

See bottom left, is that the woman who was

0:32:140:32:17

dropped from Radio Stoke for slurring on air?

0:32:170:32:20

-JOHNNY: She was hammered. It was brilliant.

-Was she?

0:32:200:32:23

According to other people, who were sober,

0:32:230:32:27

she sounded awful.

0:32:270:32:29

She kept apologising for sounding drunk

0:32:290:32:31

but saying she wasn't drunk, but then going...

0:32:310:32:34

SLURRED: "I'm just merry.

0:32:340:32:36

"Coming up is...is the travel..."

0:32:360:32:38

-Shall we have a listen?

-Yes, all right.

0:32:390:32:42

Eh, Tina in Blurton would like to hear Charlie Rich,

0:32:420:32:45

Most Beautiful Girl In The World.

0:32:450:32:47

-SHE LAUGHS

-Tina!

0:32:470:32:49

SHE MUMBLES

0:32:490:32:51

Eh, Tony in Hanford says,

0:32:510:32:52

"I'm going back by Felco..." I'm going back WHERE?!

0:32:520:32:56

Between now and four o'clock, we're having a part-ay!

0:32:560:33:00

We can.

0:33:020:33:04

We absolutely can.

0:33:040:33:05

Rich in Talke says, "Paula, you sound drunk."

0:33:050:33:08

I'm not drunk. I've had a couple of drinks. I'm not drunk.

0:33:080:33:11

SHE LAUGHS

0:33:110:33:13

-You've been on Paula's show, haven't you?

-Have I been on Paula's show?

0:33:150:33:18

-According to the producers, you've been on Paula's show.

-I don't know. Neither of us remember.

0:33:180:33:24

According to Greek mythology,

0:33:300:33:32

Sisyphus was a Corinthian king punished for his deceitfulness

0:33:320:33:35

by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill

0:33:350:33:38

only to watch it roll back again for ever.

0:33:380:33:40

If you're looking for a modern equivalent,

0:33:400:33:42

it's like Pauline Prescott trying to get John out of bed.

0:33:420:33:46

Chris Huhne has been released, and so has his wife, Vicky Pryce,

0:33:460:33:49

who's announced that she'll be writing a book about her

0:33:490:33:51

prison experiences called...

0:33:510:33:54

PAUL CHUCKLES

0:33:540:33:56

She's going to tell us the economic case against prison

0:33:560:33:59

and how you can save money.

0:33:590:34:01

One of the ways would have been if she'd pleaded guilty straight away.

0:34:010:34:04

So we wouldn't have had to bloody well tried her.

0:34:040:34:07

Apparently, it is due out in September.

0:34:100:34:14

So we can expect it on our shelves in a couple of weeks.

0:34:140:34:17

And...

0:34:170:34:18

OK, time now for the Missing Words Round.

0:34:200:34:23

-This week's guest publication is the British Investment Digest.

-Ooh.

0:34:230:34:28

And we start with...

0:34:290:34:31

Have found a verb they like.

0:34:330:34:35

The answer is...

0:34:400:34:42

I always said that capitalism sucks.

0:34:460:34:48

Freedom for Tooting.

0:34:480:34:50

Next...

0:34:550:34:57

DEBORAH: Drank. What do students do? Drank.

0:35:000:35:03

The answer is...

0:35:030:35:04

Ah!

0:35:050:35:07

You can warn young people all you like about

0:35:070:35:10

the danger of sucking up beer too fiercely

0:35:100:35:12

but honestly, it just goes in one ear and out the other, really.

0:35:120:35:15

Come on!

0:35:150:35:16

APPLAUSE

0:35:160:35:19

Next.

0:35:210:35:22

This is an easily bully-able audience.

0:35:220:35:25

They groan, you threaten them, they applaud you!

0:35:250:35:28

Moving on...

0:35:280:35:30

Controlling human beings?

0:35:330:35:35

The answer is...

0:35:360:35:38

According to the Metro, the turtles...

0:35:410:35:44

How's a turtle going to get through customs in the first place?

0:35:460:35:50

You know, it's not easy, is it? Passport?

0:35:540:35:57

DEBORAH: Can I just say - that is a tortoise not a turtle!

0:35:580:36:01

How dare you!

0:36:010:36:03

I've earned my living impersonating reptiles all me life.

0:36:060:36:10

Next...

0:36:100:36:11

..what?

0:36:170:36:19

DEBORAH: As Fergie retires?

0:36:190:36:21

Well, the answer is...

0:36:210:36:23

Oh, for goodness' sake!

0:36:260:36:28

-For goodness' sake.

-It's quite obvious, isn't it?

0:36:280:36:30

You feel stupid when you can't get something like that.

0:36:300:36:33

The only way I'd be less interested in that sentence

0:36:360:36:39

is if it had the words "Peter Andre" in it, but never mind...

0:36:390:36:42

Next...

0:36:420:36:43

What?

0:36:460:36:48

-It's Super Miliband!

-DEBORAH: Super Miliband.

0:36:480:36:50

Yes, that is the correct answer.

0:36:500:36:53

This is an injured cyclist who's been rescued by the Labour leader.

0:36:530:36:56

Cyclist Ella Phillips said, on seeing Ed Miliband...

0:36:560:36:59

Adding that he was...

0:37:050:37:08

Next...

0:37:080:37:09

What?

0:37:110:37:12

Is it Frank Ifield?

0:37:120:37:14

# I remember you-ou...#

0:37:150:37:17

Nobody else does. Not you, Robert, the song.

0:37:170:37:20

No, the answer is...

0:37:200:37:23

JOHNNY: At what point do you cue that up as backup? Yodelling?

0:37:240:37:27

"We've lost traffic and travel. Quick."

0:37:270:37:29

HE YODELS

0:37:290:37:31

-"All right, I'll pull off 'ere."

-Next...

0:37:310:37:35

What?

0:37:360:37:37

-JOHNNY: Bit off more than she should chew?

-Oh, could be.

0:37:370:37:41

There are a lot of Bs there, so it could be alliterative.

0:37:410:37:44

Bottom-biting boss beats BBC backwards...bollocks.

0:37:440:37:47

Doesn't really work!

0:37:470:37:49

DEBORAH: Apparently, she was involved in horseplay,

0:37:500:37:53

which sounds quite...

0:37:530:37:55

-I know the answer, I think.

-She's giving it.

0:37:550:37:58

Yeah, do you mind? I've started...

0:37:580:38:01

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

0:38:010:38:02

She actually draws blood.

0:38:020:38:04

I need some of that dogs' ice cream.

0:38:040:38:06

Just to placate me.

0:38:090:38:10

Apparently, they were involved in horseplay and it went too far

0:38:140:38:18

-and she accidentally bit somebody's bottom and drew blood.

-She might be an arse vampire!

0:38:180:38:23

Instead of the neck, concentrates on the arse.

0:38:230:38:26

Everybody's muffled up here, got crucifixes. You bend over - wallop!

0:38:260:38:29

The answer is...

0:38:290:38:32

Next.

0:38:330:38:34

..what?

0:38:360:38:37

Brass-rubbing.

0:38:370:38:39

In Norwich.

0:38:390:38:41

Try turning it on.

0:38:410:38:43

The answer is...

0:38:450:38:47

And finally...

0:38:490:38:51

What?

0:38:530:38:55

JOHNNY: Are still virgins.

0:38:550:38:57

Have agreed on a universal

0:38:590:39:03

single monetary...

0:39:030:39:06

..system.

0:39:080:39:09

-No, they had a fight.

-They had a fight. There was a convention...

0:39:090:39:13

This wasn't in a portal in Brighton, by any chance?

0:39:130:39:17

-The answer is separated by police.

-Separated by police!

0:39:170:39:21

Some guy who'd been giving it large and then realised

0:39:210:39:24

that his lightsaber couldn't actually slice an arm off...

0:39:240:39:28

said to the police, "Come on, then!"

0:39:280:39:30

and then realised he was effectively hitting him with a plastic torch.

0:39:300:39:34

Surely when the police arrived, somebody must have said,

0:39:340:39:37

"Oh, the force is with you"?

0:39:370:39:39

They must have said that. They must have done.

0:39:390:39:43

So, the final scores are...

0:39:430:39:45

Paul and Johnny - 4, and Ian and Deborah - 7.

0:39:450:39:48

-Yes!

-It's a win.

-I don't understand.

0:39:480:39:52

APPLAUSE

0:39:520:39:54

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:39:560:40:00

Ian and Deborah have this...

0:40:000:40:03

Is that an eel?

0:40:030:40:05

-Or are you just pleased to see me?

-Yeah.

0:40:080:40:11

JOHNNY: The penguin on the end's going, "That's not my mum!"

0:40:110:40:15

It's a new penguin pervert awareness scheme!

0:40:160:40:19

When you see someone naked offering you a fish, just shout!

0:40:190:40:23

There's one penguin saying to another,

0:40:230:40:25

"I hope there's not a hole in that bucket.

0:40:250:40:28

"We've got to eat our dinner out of that."

0:40:280:40:30

He tried this last week at the cinema, with popcorn.

0:40:300:40:33

Go on, Paul, you get this one.

0:40:330:40:36

"That's nice, isn't it? I've only just come to visit your country,

0:40:360:40:40

"and here we are, remembering old times."

0:40:400:40:42

APPLAUSE

0:40:430:40:45

Yes! On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

0:40:470:40:51

and Deborah Meaden, Johnny Vegas and Paul Merton.

0:40:510:40:54

And I leave you with the news that amid continuing reports that

0:40:540:40:57

Boris Johnson is aiming to be the Prime Minister,

0:40:570:41:00

David Cameron buys him a coffee to bury the hatchet...

0:41:000:41:03

In Malmo, the director of the Eurovision Song Contest makes

0:41:060:41:09

final preparations for the thrilling four-hour spectacle...

0:41:090:41:13

..and a scientist at Oxford University finds

0:41:150:41:18

an exact replica of Michael Gove's brain.

0:41:180:41:21

Power to the people. Goodnight.

0:41:250:41:27

APPLAUSE

0:41:270:41:29

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0:41:440:41:47

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