Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Robert Lindsay. In the news this week...

In Tirana, the Albanian Space Programme

puts its first recruit through astronaut training.

The head chef at the Ivy explains how they managed to cope when

Victoria Beckham had breakfast with Eric Pickles.

And word spreads among a battalion of women soldiers

that the evening's entertainment would be headlined by Jim Davidson.

On Ian's team tonight a Dragon from BBC 2's Dragon's Den,

who says the most important things she expects from other people

is total honesty. Fair enough.

So, please welcome the last minute replacement for Duncan Bannatyne...

LAUGHTER

Yes, Deborah Meaden.

I'm out.

And with Paul tonight is a comedian

who is a fine actor and also accomplished at pottery.

Skills which, when he was auditioning

for the lead role in the film Ghost, got him into the last 76,000.

Please welcome, Johnny Vegas.

APPLAUSE

So, we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Deborah, take a look at this.

Burning the European flag.

That's our Prime Minister with the president.

That one is the Send In The Clowns man. Isn't that right?

This is the Conservative Party voting against itself

-over the Queen's Speech.

-That's a first, really.

Usually the Government announces a Queen's Speech

and then they back it. This time they announced and thought

-"No, this is rubbish."

-Yep.

So they had an amendment immediately to say

"Look, that Queen's Speech wasn't very good.

"We regret that there wasn't some other stuff in it."

The Prime Minister then said

"Yeah, you're right. I'm going to put forward a bill

"saying it wasn't very good." But it was your Queen's Speech.

Who is the real victory for?

Well, it's sadly a victory for UKIP.

Or the Daily Express. And that's according to the Daily Express.

Gosh, I thought victory for the Daily Express

is when Diana is revived.

So, what has happened to the support

for the major parties while all of this has been going on?

I think the public have concluded

that they don't really know what they're doing.

Because Ed Miliband, who is meant to be leading the opposition

but, in fact, the opposition is now being led by Boris.

So, the Conservative Party now does government, coalition, opposition.

And UKIP.

You explain it so well. You need to get a handle on this, Ian.

You need to control what is going on

because you appear to be the only one who does.

But I am controlling.

Actually, according to most pollsters, UKIP are now...

Who has personally boosted UKIP support?

-Des Lynam.

-What's he done?

He's one of the old BBC presenters without an electronic tag, isn't he?

APPLAUSE

There speaks a confident man.

Even I'm getting worried, I tell you.

Claims he's rewritten these lyrics to Send In The Clowns.

It's not been much of a rewrite. Changed a couple of words, but he's suggested...

Send In The Clowns, the old Stephen Sondheim tune from A Little Night Music.

Do you want a quick blast?

SIGHS

Don't give up the day job, Des.

Oh, you have.

Mind you, I should imagine Stephen Sondheim

commentating on Southampton versus Newcastle

would be equally inept as Des Lynam rewriting Stephen Sondheim.

How is David Cameron reacting

while the whole flimsy house of cards collapses around him?

He went off to America, which is

always a good thing to do if you're in trouble is go abroad.

They actually flew over with Prince Harry.

According to the Independent, David Cameron...

It was just the two of them so they both had to sit next to the nutter.

LAUGHTER

-What were they presented with?

-With look-alike dolls.

Yes. Effigies made by a British firm called Makies. Here they are.

Do they know who they're look-alikes of?

Someone said they look like lesbian Mormons.

That is the campest Prince Harry ever.

Came up with a lovely comment saying

"The beret makes me look a bit French."

No, you don't wear a beret like that. This is how you wear a beret.

Do you remember those days? There were people who were left wing.

So long ago.

Thanks, Ian(!)

LAUGHTER

The dolls are made by designing the image using a special app

and then ordering the doll to be manufactured and delivered.

We are still at the design stage with these.

Look, here is Paul Merton.

And we have, in fact, Ian.

-Shall we have a quick greedy bastards update?

-Yeah!

Does it come with a signature tune?

# Greedy bastards greedy bastards

# Greedy bastards update. #

Vodafone, anyone? What have they done?

-Is this a tax avoiders round?

-It's bound to be.

-Vodafone, they haven't paid any tax.

-Goldman Sachs.

-Boo!

-Disgraceful.

-Someone challenged them, the Revenue.

Cos the Revenue did a deal where basically

Goldman Sachs didn't have to pay interest on what

they owed to the tax man. Let alone what they actually owe.

And the courts decided in Goldman Sachs's favour.

Which is absolutely extraordinary.

And Amazon?

I know this one. Look at that.

I'm quite nervous, it's me first show.

Me dad rang me and went, "Don't spoil this for us."

What a starter for ten.

They must just be sat there going, "Just don't. Don't."

There is a discussion going on around me

and in my head two kittens are fighting over a pork chop.

Yeah, they've avoided it by...

It goes through Luxembourg.

Everything is processed there, packaged and sent off.

But because the sales are processed in Europe,

they avoid paying the UK tax.

The man from Google has to go back to Parliament to explain why

he didn't appear to be telling the truth.

I'm not saying he wasn't.

Just Google "truth" and see if anything comes up.

How many female historical figures has the Bank of England

put on a new banknote?

-Go.

-None.

-Correct.

Elizabeth Fry is going to be removed. Penal reformer.

How do you feel about women being ignored like this, Johnny, Paul?

Sorry, Deborah.

Did anyone see the interview Bruce Johnson? Boris, Bruce.

-Bruce Johnson!

-Bruce.

-He was in the Beach Boys.

Who's the other guy? The kung fu guy? Anyway.

Did anyone see Bruce...? Oh, f...

Did anyone see the interview Boris Johnson

gave this week on the subject of the EU?

Keep your eye on the right-hand side of the screen.

If we're honest, democratically, it would be rather a...

LAUGHTER

Hang on. Here it is slowed down.

LAUGHTER

JOHNNY: That's my dad.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Johnny, hello.

-Hello.

-Good evening and welcome. Take a look at this.

Oh, it's black and white.

These look like spies in London Zoo. Sort of handing over...

Oh, yes, this is - the wigs are the clue.

There was a man in Russia...

That's him! That's the guy.

Some American CIA agent, I believe,

who was caught in Russia with a selection of cheap wigs and...

Yep, that's the guy.

..fake passports and all that kind of stuff.

It was a bit ludicrous, really, because it was sort of amidst all

the high tech of modern espionage,

here was a man who was wearing a little blonde wig and his suitcase

and stuff. That's what it was about, isn't it?

It's the biggest spy scandal since Sky 1 failed to recommission

a certain award-winning comedy.

LAUGHTER

Still amazing how people don't have Sky, isn't that weird?

I've got Sky, I just don't watch anything with "Sky" written on it.

Hands up how many people have got Sky.

I got it, but I got given it for nothing.

And then got paranoid that they were just recording me conversations

in the house.

They're putting them out on a channel that you're not watching.

Yeah, I'm just putting on a channel and speaking in hushed tones going,

"It's tea time.

"But don't tell them what we're eating."

What alerted the Russian security service to the fact that

this Ryan Fogle might not be simply the Third Secretary

from the political section of the US Embassy?

Was he wearing all three wigs at the same time?

Let's have a look at the spy wig.

Plastic surgery's not very advanced in Russia,

according to that bloke on the right.

Has he been arrested for forming a sixth form band?

How did the Russians identify Mr Fogle?

Well, if you're the Third Political Secretary, you are a spook.

Traditionally.

So they saw him and then they saw that the wig didn't fit.

No, but his rudimentary kit also included his...

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Twat.

Ah, yes, the follow up.

No, no, no, he was also carrying a letter written in Russian.

To the contacts, to the person he was going to turn.

To become a spy for us.

Or for the Americans, anyway.

-And it said, "Dear colleague..."

-"Dear friend."

-Friend?

-Yeah, and offered £65,300 for an initial interview.

-Yeah.

-Explaining...

"Especially as I, myself, am a bungling amateur."

Did he also have one of those business cards that you

print off at the, you know, the service stations?

"I also am available for children's parties."

Yes, well, it continued...

"That's right.

"We've written everything down in this incriminating letter

"to be handed over to you by a man wearing three pairs of glasses

"and a dodgy wig."

So, what were the instructions given to the "target" to devise

a highly complex and secure way of communicating with his new bosses?

"Wander around St Petersburg asking people if

"the seagull flies high over Krakow tonight?"

Actually, he was told to...

Well, that's secure(!)

I've only had my credit card raided twice through doing that.

Do you think they're targeting you?

There's a fundamental paranoia at work.

I reckon they're after those tea bags.

The pyramid!

It changed the world!

Know what I mean? First of all the Egyptians and now me!

APPLAUSE

My favourite television programme.

-It's like a show but we're selling stuff.

-Yeah.

And people are suffering as...

I've got to shut up, I need that money.

It's lovely.

He's after your job, he's trying to lure you in.

-Yeah.

-Make a mistake.

We can have you in as a cameo.

You're like an evil coffee drinker.

-How was Ben Fogle, sorry, Ryan Fogle...

-Ryan Fogle. Not Ben Fogle.

How has he been described by the Russians?

Well, probably no better than we have described him now.

-Yes, exactly.

-Part of the point of this is just to take the focus

away from the fact that Russia and America were getting quite friendly

-and Putin doesn't want that.

-What, might the whole thing have been

set up on the part of the Russian government, do you think?

They could have set him up so the Americans look bad

and they don't have to cooperate any more.

-So it could be very sinister.

-Interesting.

-As well as amusing.

Some members of the Russian government are alarmed

at increasing closeness between Russia and the West

and might be trying to drive a wedge between them.

In these pictures, taken a few days ago, Vladimir Putin seems to

be paying David Cameron very, very close attention.

So many echoes of the Cold War and spies.

Try and guess what headlines the papers chose to go

with on this particular thing.

-Good evening, Mr Blond.

-Very good.

-Thank you.

I could work for a tabloid.

-It's always nice to have an ambition in life, isn't it?

-It is.

So, staying with Russia,

anyone know what song the Russian armed forces are choosing

to march to?

Is it Dancing With The Captain by Paul Nicholas?

Let's have a look.

# SpongeBob SquarePants

# SpongeBob SquarePants. #

APPLAUSE

That's fantastic.

If you were ever scared of the Red Army, it's gone.

Do they know about his friend Patrick?

-Patrick?

-Yeah.

What's Patrick's condition?

Well, Patrick's the first openly-gay cartoon crab, I think.

-Is he a crab, Patrick?

-No, he's a starfish.

-Starfish, sorry.

-I've come into me own now.

Mr Krabby, he runs a local burger joint -

it's not McDonalds.

It's very similar and he's very tight-fisted.

And...yeah, he goes to a boat school.

He desperately wants to drive a boat.

But he can never get his licence.

It's gripping stuff.

I should have possibly watched less of that

and more of the news before I came on here.

But something instinctively told me it might come up as a subject.

Well, it did.

And now it's gone.

Yes, this is the espionage scandal in which an unidentified person

was captured in Moscow this week

along with an espionage kit, which included...

Either he's a spy or Elton John is now lost in Russia on his tour.

So, at the end of that round, two points each.

Oh!

And so, the round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Is it inbreeding in the Royal Family?

DEBORAH: No, it's the original...

Isn't that the Duke of Clarence?

Is it the original Olympics?

There's beer-swilling and shin-kicking and...

The Cotswold Olimpicks.

They were chronicled in an ancient pamphlet, which is up for auction.

According to the Times...

Much like the career of Bruce Forsyth.

See if you can identify the sort of games that were played,

using an image taken from the book.

It looks like sword fighting we can see top right.

-Standing on your head, in the middle.

-Yeah.

Misunderstanding perspective.

That was a very popular sport at the time.

Hand stands.

-JOHNNY VEGAS: Shin-kicking.

-Say again?

-Shin-kicking.

-Did you just copy me?

-That's right.

-Did you just copy me?

No, you said hand stands.

Oh, no, you're right. I said hand stands.

-Yeah, but were you copying her?

-I'm confused enough as it is.

If you start making things up, I'm in real trouble.

Anyone know what dwile flonking is?

He sounds like a daytime presenter. "Over to Dwile Flonking."

Is that the beer thing?

-Yes, yes.

-That's the beer.

JOHNNY: Why would you dodge them?

That's like a packed lunch.

Let's have a look at you, Deborah, on Dragons' Den,

giving some encouragement to some hopeful entrepreneurs.

DEBORAH: 'Oh, no. No.'

'Oh, dear.'

Do you know? I am not going to waste my words any more. So I'm out.

APPLAUSE

I would pay to watch you speed date.

What has Delia Smith said this week?

She has said that we need to go back

to cooking without using recipe books.

Yeah, but the series just before, she was basically doing Findus

and Birds Eye, wasn't she? So, how further back can we go?

-Findus and Birds Eye? Delia Smith?

-You had to have a microwave.

I can't do the maths.

If it's an 850W or a 700W, you know, and they go for two and...

I just put it in for ten minutes and turn it into soup.

I just prepare my straw and wait for the ding.

This is the Cotswold Olimpicks,

which began in the 17th century and still takes place today.

The games include a gurning competition.

Of course, the best gurn in the Cotswolds last year was

given by Rebekah Brooks, when the police turned up.

And the first games in 1612 were rocked by scandal when some of the

competitors tested positive for snuff.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is Chris Hadfield who has celebrated his final days

up in the Space Station by serenading us with a Bowie song.

That's right, Space Oddity, here it is.

# Though I've flown 100,000 miles

# I'm feeling very still

# And before too long I know it's time to go

# Our commander comes down back to Earth and knows... #

He's changed the lyrics as well.

It's not bad, is it?

He's no Des Lynam, but anyway.

Actually, how did David Bowie respond, do you think?

Oh, I should think he was immensely chuffed.

-Well, actually he tweeted.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

So what else has Chris Hadfield done to attract attention to himself

whilst up in space?

Has he started a war with Mars?

He's actually tweeted from his position on the

International Space Station which actually is...

I mean that's incredible, isn't it? It's incredible.

I can't even get a 3G signal in Tooting.

Ah, so why might it be easier to travel to space from Sussex

than was previously thought?

Eh, Sussex is the highest place on the Earth.

LAUGHTER

So it takes less time to get there.

According to the Brighton Argus...

LAUGHTER

That could be a door though, couldn't it?

You know, there's the kitchen, there's the hallway.

It's another place.

It's worrying news because Des Lynam lives in Brighton.

Any minute he'll start pushing immigrants down the vortex.

Does anyone know how this discovery was made?

-What, of the portal?

-Yes.

Why doesn't everybody know this story? This is fantastic.

A member of the public in Brighton told Hove City Council...

Affenpinscher, isn't that a crime in Austria?

So, on the subject of sounds in unexpected places,

what has been troubling funeral goers?

-Oh, mobile phones going off...

-Yeah.

-..in coffins.

Go on.

LAUGHTER

Where are you? We said we'd meet at half past two.

Where are you?

In a study for the Co-operative Funeral Care,

funerals were found to be the most inappropriate place to use

a mobile phone.

According to the Times...

Well, this is what'll happen.

Yeah, but the pallbearers did.

I actually had a big shock today.

I have officially been told by Who Do You Think You Are?

that my family has achieved

so little in 400 years that they're not going to bother.

-AUDIENCE: Aw.

-Aw.

APPLAUSE

-Are you serious?

-Serious.

All we did was illegally bury a body, but there's not much...

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, please.

BUZZER

Oh, sorry, we've not had a question. I panicked, I panicked.

I panicked.

Oh, here we go.

-Yeah.

-DEBORAH: Who is it?

BUZZER

-That's the Israeli PM.

-Oh, it's the amount of money he spends.

He spends a fortune on his hair

and clothes and whatever he's holding there.

Ice cream and food and stuff.

He paid to have a bed put on a plane when he came over

for Mrs Thatcher's funeral so he could get some sleep.

He could have slept during the funeral.

So what embarrassing revelation was revealed about Netanyahu's

eating habits at the start of the year?

Is he sort of very fond of desserts?

That would be scandalous.

-JOHNNY: What, Zoom lollies?

-We don't know.

His household account showed that he had a budget...

And presumably that's...

..Wailing Walls.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Come on.

You've spent a lot of money on ice cream, haven't you, Deborah?

Mine's doggie ice cream.

Are those the ingredients?

What's doggie ice cream?

Nutritious ice treats for dogs.

Don't look at me like that, Ian.

-I thought we were on the same team.

-Yeah.

Well, nominally.

You're missing tea bags now, aren't you?

-Shall we see this?

-Yeah, they've probably got an advert for it.

DEBORAH: There you go.

JOHNNY: That's ice cream for dogs and I look at that

and all I can hear is # Where is love? #

So you've found a way of giving dogs the same guilt as my wife.

DEBORAH: Dogs don't feel guilty.

JOHNNY: A dog now can sit there and go, "I hate meself."

Thanks, Deborah. Now, I want to rock in the corner and cry.

Now the other dogs ignore me at the park.

Speaking of the Middle East...

Why don't we bring out some Polaroids for dogs?

What's this man doing?

He's delivering Kentucky Fried Chicken.

He's going through the border and delivering Kentucky Fried Chicken

to a country where they have no outlets.

It's the Al-Yamama delivery firm,

who's delivering KFC into the Gaza Strip.

But how long has Elvis Presley had this job?

Everybody's looking at the bag.

It's Elvis Presley!

There's your story.

In other news, what was advertised in the Stage magazine this week?

Was it a job(?)

-Don't knock it, pal!

-Yeah, exactly.

A company recruiting for a new telesales position

advertised for a vacancy.

Let's have a look at the advert.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, please.

BUZZER

Oh, yes, this is the great invention.

In about five, ten years' time, they reckon they'll have a car

which you'll be able to get into and say, "Take me home,"

and the car will take you home. It will react to other cars around it.

It's the driverless car.

You'll be able to get into the car in whatever condition you like

-and be delivered home safely.

-You can drink, then?

-Absolutely.

Pubs in the countryside - not that it really bothers them anyway

in the countryside - but they'll be looking forward to this

because it means you can have a few and get home safely.

This invention that you just get in and whatever state you're in,

-you say and it takes you home...

-A taxi.

-Yeah.

Sorry, you were taking a little while to get there.

I know this route, I know a shortcut round the back.

Round the back of the gasworks, turn left,

turn left there, there you are, that's the ice rink,

that's where you want to be.

Eh, actually, here's Sergey Brin, he's founder of Google

and one of the people backing the idea, in one of the cars.

Yeah, you can see it's a Google car, look, because there's no tax disc.

Tch!

In other technology news,

what have more than 100,000 people downloaded this week?

Do we not know?

No.

-DEEP VOICE:

-A gun.

Oh, yes. The plastic 3-D gun.

A controversial group in America has released the blueprints

to a gun you can print on a 3-D printer.

What did the Mail On Sunday do with one of these guns?

Kill somebody?

No, they fired it at a... No, I don't know. I didn't read it.

No idea. I could be here for ages. They built one.

They built it and they took it on Eurostar.

JOHNNY: Wow(!)

So, is it just the gun that's made of plastic?

Yeah.

JOHNNY: Doesn't it look like he's just run out of roses to water?

Eat your heart out, Ryan Fogle.

In other technological advances, what can men now do?

-Easy, Deborah.

-What can men now do?

JOHNNY: Tell the truth.

In an awkward social situation.

-Get pregnant.

-Ah, we're getting near.

We're getting near to it? What's near to being pregnant?

I genuinely hope so, because my figure's already gone.

I'm desperate to have a child to justify this.

You can. You can.

They can experience the pain of childbirth by using a new simulator,

and here are two reporters from a local station in Michigan

giving it a try. Watch this.

MAN GROANS

It's starting to come down now, you guys are doing awesome.

MAN BREATHES HEAVILY

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

But then they turn the simulator on!

Yes, the driverless car is soon to be seen on British roads.

Manufacturer Malcolm McCulloch told the Sunday Times...

Which is great news, because it means that a presenter-less Top Gear

could be deployable within six.

In other technology news, 3D printable guns have been banned.

Now, a 3-D printer costs about 8,000,

and obviously, once you've bought one, the first thing to do

is print out another printer.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

One between you this week.

Chris Huhne,

Sisyphus,

Radio Stoke's Paula White,

and marathon runner Jake Harrison.

Is this about sentencing?

Chris Huhne has just come out of prison.

Sisyphus - eternal life sentence.

-Quite strict.

-Sentencing is good, yeah.

So it is sentencing?

No.

DEBORAH: It's good, but it's wrong.

Is it lying? Because Sisyphus was in for lying.

No.

Is it pushing a rock up a hill?

JOHNNY: What I never understood with that,

as punishment pushing the rock up the hill, is...

there's got to be a point where you go,

"I'm never going to reach the top."

They are watching, and they come and get him if he ever stops.

Oh, do they?

Who are watching, Ian?

G4S.

Wouldn't let him...they let him go.

They've all failed to finish what they were doing,

apart from Jake Harrison, who did complete the Marathon of the North,

but was the only one to do so,

as the other 793 runners went the wrong way.

Was he responsible for putting the arrows up, this bloke?

Have you ever managed a full marathon, John?

Well, it's Snickers nowadays.

Wah-wah!

-No. I-I've actually got a letter off me doctor, for life.

-Yeah.

I get cigarettes on the NHS.

I'm the only one.

What compensation...

-Cos with running... Oh, sorry.

-I'm so sorry, Johnny.

It's OK. You carry on.

-Should I?

-Yeah, this one's best left in me head.

-OK.

Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce,

who were released from prison this week

after completing just two months of their eight-month prison sentence

for perverting the course of justice.

Is everything forgiven between Huhne and Pryce now?

I have no evidence, but I should think they're probably

less than chums.

The Mirror has revealed that Pryce is intent on

humiliating Chris and is going to write a...

Chris Huhne is also thought to be considering a tell-all memoir,

but only if he can persuade Vicky Pryce to write it for him!

What does Chris Huhne plan to do now he's a convicted felon?

Hire a chauffeur?

One Liberal Democrat source assured us that...

..Unless, of course, it involves politics,

driving or crime.

Or marriage.

See bottom left, is that the woman who was

dropped from Radio Stoke for slurring on air?

-JOHNNY: She was hammered. It was brilliant.

-Was she?

According to other people, who were sober,

she sounded awful.

She kept apologising for sounding drunk

but saying she wasn't drunk, but then going...

SLURRED: "I'm just merry.

"Coming up is...is the travel..."

-Shall we have a listen?

-Yes, all right.

Eh, Tina in Blurton would like to hear Charlie Rich,

Most Beautiful Girl In The World.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Tina!

SHE MUMBLES

Eh, Tony in Hanford says,

"I'm going back by Felco..." I'm going back WHERE?!

Between now and four o'clock, we're having a part-ay!

We can.

We absolutely can.

Rich in Talke says, "Paula, you sound drunk."

I'm not drunk. I've had a couple of drinks. I'm not drunk.

SHE LAUGHS

-You've been on Paula's show, haven't you?

-Have I been on Paula's show?

-According to the producers, you've been on Paula's show.

-I don't know. Neither of us remember.

According to Greek mythology,

Sisyphus was a Corinthian king punished for his deceitfulness

by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill

only to watch it roll back again for ever.

If you're looking for a modern equivalent,

it's like Pauline Prescott trying to get John out of bed.

Chris Huhne has been released, and so has his wife, Vicky Pryce,

who's announced that she'll be writing a book about her

prison experiences called...

PAUL CHUCKLES

She's going to tell us the economic case against prison

and how you can save money.

One of the ways would have been if she'd pleaded guilty straight away.

So we wouldn't have had to bloody well tried her.

Apparently, it is due out in September.

So we can expect it on our shelves in a couple of weeks.

And...

OK, time now for the Missing Words Round.

-This week's guest publication is the British Investment Digest.

-Ooh.

And we start with...

Have found a verb they like.

The answer is...

I always said that capitalism sucks.

Freedom for Tooting.

Next...

DEBORAH: Drank. What do students do? Drank.

The answer is...

Ah!

You can warn young people all you like about

the danger of sucking up beer too fiercely

but honestly, it just goes in one ear and out the other, really.

Come on!

APPLAUSE

Next.

This is an easily bully-able audience.

They groan, you threaten them, they applaud you!

Moving on...

Controlling human beings?

The answer is...

According to the Metro, the turtles...

How's a turtle going to get through customs in the first place?

You know, it's not easy, is it? Passport?

DEBORAH: Can I just say - that is a tortoise not a turtle!

How dare you!

I've earned my living impersonating reptiles all me life.

Next...

..what?

DEBORAH: As Fergie retires?

Well, the answer is...

Oh, for goodness' sake!

-For goodness' sake.

-It's quite obvious, isn't it?

You feel stupid when you can't get something like that.

The only way I'd be less interested in that sentence

is if it had the words "Peter Andre" in it, but never mind...

Next...

What?

-It's Super Miliband!

-DEBORAH: Super Miliband.

Yes, that is the correct answer.

This is an injured cyclist who's been rescued by the Labour leader.

Cyclist Ella Phillips said, on seeing Ed Miliband...

Adding that he was...

Next...

What?

Is it Frank Ifield?

# I remember you-ou...#

Nobody else does. Not you, Robert, the song.

No, the answer is...

JOHNNY: At what point do you cue that up as backup? Yodelling?

"We've lost traffic and travel. Quick."

HE YODELS

-"All right, I'll pull off 'ere."

-Next...

What?

-JOHNNY: Bit off more than she should chew?

-Oh, could be.

There are a lot of Bs there, so it could be alliterative.

Bottom-biting boss beats BBC backwards...bollocks.

Doesn't really work!

DEBORAH: Apparently, she was involved in horseplay,

which sounds quite...

-I know the answer, I think.

-She's giving it.

Yeah, do you mind? I've started...

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

She actually draws blood.

I need some of that dogs' ice cream.

Just to placate me.

Apparently, they were involved in horseplay and it went too far

-and she accidentally bit somebody's bottom and drew blood.

-She might be an arse vampire!

Instead of the neck, concentrates on the arse.

Everybody's muffled up here, got crucifixes. You bend over - wallop!

The answer is...

Next.

..what?

Brass-rubbing.

In Norwich.

Try turning it on.

The answer is...

And finally...

What?

JOHNNY: Are still virgins.

Have agreed on a universal

single monetary...

..system.

-No, they had a fight.

-They had a fight. There was a convention...

This wasn't in a portal in Brighton, by any chance?

-The answer is separated by police.

-Separated by police!

Some guy who'd been giving it large and then realised

that his lightsaber couldn't actually slice an arm off...

said to the police, "Come on, then!"

and then realised he was effectively hitting him with a plastic torch.

Surely when the police arrived, somebody must have said,

"Oh, the force is with you"?

They must have said that. They must have done.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Johnny - 4, and Ian and Deborah - 7.

-Yes!

-It's a win.

-I don't understand.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Deborah have this...

Is that an eel?

-Or are you just pleased to see me?

-Yeah.

JOHNNY: The penguin on the end's going, "That's not my mum!"

It's a new penguin pervert awareness scheme!

When you see someone naked offering you a fish, just shout!

There's one penguin saying to another,

"I hope there's not a hole in that bucket.

"We've got to eat our dinner out of that."

He tried this last week at the cinema, with popcorn.

Go on, Paul, you get this one.

"That's nice, isn't it? I've only just come to visit your country,

"and here we are, remembering old times."

APPLAUSE

Yes! On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Deborah Meaden, Johnny Vegas and Paul Merton.

And I leave you with the news that amid continuing reports that

Boris Johnson is aiming to be the Prime Minister,

David Cameron buys him a coffee to bury the hatchet...

In Malmo, the director of the Eurovision Song Contest makes

final preparations for the thrilling four-hour spectacle...

..and a scientist at Oxford University finds

an exact replica of Michael Gove's brain.

Power to the people. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd