Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week - in Salford, a local reporter double-checks

when the BBC's new head of pronunciation will start work.

Tomorra.

Tomorrow.

Tomorra.

-Tomorrow.

-Tomorra.

It's "tomorrow".

No, it's "tomorra".

LAUGHTER

The man who invested millions in the Spice Girls musical

demonstrates what he'd do if he met them now.

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

LAUGHTER

And on a street in Tunisia,

a women is seen trying to reverse into a parking space.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who has been

described as "a right-wing Euro-sceptic,

"with strange hair it's impossible to avoid referring to".

Oh, and he also has strange hair.

Will you please welcome - Michael Fabricant and his strange hair.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a poet who recently said that Shakespeare

and Baudelaire are the only poets he thinks are better than him.

Which is debatable, but he's cheaper and the other two are dead.

So, please welcome John Cooper Clarke.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Michael, take a look at this.

-Yes.

-Ah.

-Nigel Farage.

-Yes.

Oh, this is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.

Now look, I'm vice chairman,

supposed to be in charge of parliamentary campaigning for...

So, a good night for you, then? How do you think it went?

I think it went, eh... Shall we discuss my hair?

LAUGHTER

Look, I sat next to Louise Mensch, who'd had a facelift

and I didn't even notice,

so I'm barely going to see that it's a wig, am I?

You think that this is a wig?

I have no idea.

I'll show you what a wig is

and I'm very tempted to wear it. THIS is a wig!

Right.

Well, that was a showstopper. So that's the end of that.

Don't blink - you could be missing something very important.

Yes, this is the government's rightward lurch,

otherwise known as David Cameron.

Which hoary old chestnut has

re-emerged to haunt Cameron?

Europe.

Well, it's Nigel Lawson, actually.

He's lost too much weight.

Don't you think if you've been a bit on the heavy side,

you then shouldn't lose too much weight,

otherwise everything starts hanging off like a dog.

You know what I mean? Those dogs.

I can see why the Tory Party's in trouble.

Well, what they say, actually, is that if you lose weight

under the age of 40, you look younger,

but if you lose weight over the age of 40,

it makes you look older, cos you look wrinkly.

-I'll remember that.

-So can someone bring me a burger?

Despite being 81, he has now changed his mind,

proving he's a proper Tory.

He says we should leave Europe

and that'll get the core vote back to your lot.

I don't think he does think that. But anyway. That's what he believes.

Maybe we should. We ought to do a poll.

We're probably not allowed to do this. Who would leave Europe now? Hands up.

-Oh, not many.

-No. There's quite a lot.

Anyway, we're not going to, because sadly you're not in charge.

Let me ask you a question -

what has David Cameron made the Queen do this week?

Well, she had to make a speech.

That's right.

But it was mercifully short, I thought.

And the great thing about a government that hasn't got

many ideas is that they can't do that much harm.

It contains measures on controlling rights of immigrants

to the benefits system and scrapping widows' pensions

for foreigners living abroad.

So, Michael, if you married an exotic Filipino dancer on a business trip

to Manila and then snuffed it, she wouldn't get your pension.

Quite right, some might say.

Speaking of trips abroad, what's this about you

and a jar of Coffee-Mate?

Oh. well... I was walking in Columbia, and it wasn't a jar of Coffee-Mate,

I'd rather stupidly put it in little sachets, because...

LAUGHTER

I was walking in the jungle and these armed guys came along

and they looked in my backpack and they were saying, "What is this?"

And I reacted in my usual way, so they were convinced that I was...

On drugs!

..on drugs.

Who was the person you were with?

I will not reveal it at this particular point in time,

as he will be embarrassed.

What, to have gone there with you?

Probably.

What else are the government pledging to get rid of?

They're always doing this.

-Ah. We're getting rid of red tape.

-Absolutely.

We're always doing that.

Well, we're going to do it this time!

What problems might new proposed government legislation have

caused this man, for example?

Oh, he's a landlord, isn't he?

-He is.

-Rossiter in Rising Damp.

Yes, landlords are being asked to check the legal status

of anybody coming from abroad that's renting rooms from them.

That's right, which will involve landlords filling in a lot

of forms, which will involve them in quite a lot of red tape.

Yeah, but look at this picture again - they look foreign to me!

A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

-Which ones?

-I'd rather not say.

Yeah, I'd imagine you wouldn't!

Are you a real person? You're not, like, a character actor?

LAUGHTER

This isn't like...

APPLAUSE

Now, let me ask you - what wasn't mentioned in the Queen's Speech?

The career of Kirk Douglas.

Technically, that is correct.

Never gets mentioned at all, it's as if he never even made a film.

-Gay marriage.

-Indeed. That's right.

But that's because it's already going through, you see.

So, it wasn't new legislation.

So, it wasn't just an attempt to look a bit tougher?

-No, we're trying to look hunky.

-Look a bit butcher.

Well, I've been asked to look very hunky,

don't you think I'm succeeding?

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I'm so worried, I have no response!

LAUGHTER

I'm the new butch look of the Conservative Party.

Oh, dear, what do the camp ones look like?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Gay marriage hasn't been particularly popular

and a vote-winner. Let's just have a look. It's demonstrated

very well, I think, by this couple here.

Well, we're not that impressed, actually.

Are we, love?

The Queen's speech was actually written

before the elections last week. How do we know this?

It takes several days for the ink to dry on the vellum.

It does take three days to dry out, a bit like the old Queen Mother.

LAUGHTER

So...back to UKIP, briefly.

What has Nigel Farage actually been suggesting as a compromise

with the Tories?

He said he'd have a coalition with the Tories,

providing they got rid of Cameron.

That's right, and made whom the leader?

Himself.

-No.

-Was it Berlusconi?

-Think...

-Boris!

-Yes.

Sorry, we're thinking clowns, aren't we?

Michael, you were one of the first to suggest a pact with UKIP

-last year, weren't you?

-Didn't go well.

Is it because you feel there is some common ground with UKIP?

You see, I've got this theory.

You see, David Cameron in the last election said "vote blue, go green".

I just think, you know, that blue and green should never be seen.

Am I sitting next to Gok Wan?!

Let's just show a quote, shall we, Michael?

You said...

-Yep.

-Ooh.

-All parties have them.

-Not the BNP, though, surely?

LAUGHTER

And now, Nadine Dorries, she's back in the Tory fold,

which I'm sure everyone's very pleased about.

Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be

UKIP General Election candidates? Do you know?

Both the Hamiltons.

-That's right.

-Christine and Neil.

Yes, you groan!

But come the Farage cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...

LAUGHTER

..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.

That's Christine!

LAUGHTER

Apart from Christine and Neil Hamilton, anyone else?

He's the on DJ who's still available for bookings at the moment.

-Dave Lee Travis?

-No, he's not available.

-He's not available.

-It's Mike Read.

-Mike Read!

He had a radio show on Frinton-on-Sea in Essex.

-Was it called Fascist FM?

-It was...

Frinton, of course, is known for its geriatric population.

It's a place of sanatoria.

-See Frinton and die.

-That's right.

There use to be a sign on the main road in saying,

"Harwich for the continent, Frinton for the incontinent."

Why shouldn't the government be too worried

about UKIP in a General Election?

Because if the get the same percentage of the vote,

which is 23% of the vote, they won't get any seats at all.

So, quarter of the country can vote for you, and you get nothing.

Which shows the system's working.

But the good news is...

Is what? That you're still in?

..is that the BNP would get in if you went for a proportional

representational system.

Right. So, you're saying better to keep it as it is?

I'm just saying...

I'm just saying that the British public...

I'm putting on my Conservative Party voice, now.

The British public know what parties to support

that will be reasonable and moderate.

And that's all I want to say at this time.

And I now hand you back to the chairman.

The thing that amazes me about MPs is that they don't seem to

have any idea how embarrassing they are in public!

LAUGHTER

They have no idea!

APPLAUSE

Let's move on and now see if we can spot the message Theresa May

was trying to get across in this interview.

A number of councillors

who'd worked hard for their local communities lost their seats...

..who feel they will have worked hard for their local communities.

We have to work hard to feel how we're delivering on the issues

that really matter to people, on the issues that people want us to,

hard-working people want us to focus on, and we will be working

hard to do that and working hard to bring those people back.

We will carry on working hard to deal with those issues that

hard-working people want us to focus on.

We will be working hard to carry on with that delivery. Working hard.

We need to work hard to get those votes back for the election,

but what we need to do is to show that

we are working hard for hard-working people,

people who work hard and want to get on in life.

Sounds a bit too much like hard work!

Nigel Lawson spoke out against the EU this week,

saying it was...

That's Nigel Lawson, best before October 1989.

Meanwhile, a jubilant Nigel Farage

was still celebrating UKIP's success.

According to the Sunday Express, he spent the weekend...

Take that, EU fishing quota.

Er, Paul and John, take a look at this.

Yes, it's the Queen and Prince Philip having a little wave.

That's working out the scaffold, shouldn't be there for that.

That's Prince Charles dancing with somebody - a close admirer.

And he admires her. And there's Camilla...

yes, that would seem to be about the Queen and Prince Charles, basically.

She's not going to the Commonwealth summit this year,

which is the first one she's missed in 40 years,

promoting thoughts that she might be cutting down

on longer air journeys now that she's 87.

That's basically it, scaling down her royal duties.

What did she do during the state opening of parliament,

in a sign that she may want to hand over some of her workload?

Abseiled down the front of Big Ben?

Screaming, "I've had enough! They're all bleeding bonkers in there."

Why is Charles particularly keen to attend

the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference?

Well, he's head of the Commonwealth, not just of Britain.

So he's got to - they've all got to vote to make him, um...

-Head of the Commonwealth.

-Yes, he doesn't have automatic right

to become Head of the Commonwealth after the Queen's death.

-They could give it to anyone.

-Exactly.

Christine Hamilton.

I like the idea of her meeting Mugabe.

"Oh, you're a mass murderer."

"And I'm Robert Mugabe."

Um...

There should be a whole series of jokes

that end up with the punch line, "And I'm Robert Mugabe."

Let's try and think of a few, as we go through.

I'll have a think when he starts talking again.

That'll give me a couple of minutes.

What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?

She was doing The Audience in the West End of London.

Reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,

-and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.

-Mm.

And she come out and complained about it.

-She told 'em to

-BLEEP

-off.

-How do they know it wasn't the Queen?

-Precisely, yeah.

Bloody hell!

-When she says

-BLEEP

-off...

-Yeah, you stay

-BLEEP-ed

-off.

One bystander told the Times...

That's quite expensive, isn't it? £100.

How much are you, John?

How much to see you perform?

I've never paid...

LAUGHTER

-It's about, what - about a score.

-About a score.

-About a score.

-Yeah.

-And how many poems do you get?

About...19 yards of poetry.

They get.

And what speed are you doing over those 19 yards?

-Negotiable.

-Oh, right.

-No, I was a fan, a long time ago.

-Oh, thanks.

Still am, obviously.

Yeah, I was going to say, where did I blot me copybook?

Are you a fan?

Er - yes.

Can't even say "yes" with conviction!

Cos - cos I know you're going to say,

"Well, recite some of his poetry, then."

That's what I knew was coming.

- I'll be asking you questions later. - Exactly.

There's one called Twat.

I can ever remember some of Twat, can you?

Like a death at a birthday party you ruin all the fun

Like a sucked and spat-out Smartie you're no use to anyone.

That's all I can remember.

It's a great favourite, thank you.

APPLAUSE Thanks, Jo.

I've written the wedding favourite, one called I Wanna Be Yours.

I'm not going to recite it, but it's compulsory on the GCSEs still,

as Michael Gove will be glad to hear.

It is to modern weddings what Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

by Eric Idle is to humanist funerals.

You won't know about that, I'm 64, I could go to seven a week.

If I really wanted to.

No man can live on vol-au-vents alone.

Can we have a bit of your wedding poem?

Yes, the first verse goes like this.

Let me your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust

Let me be your Morris Marina I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots I wanna be yours.

There are three more verses in that vein.

-That's lovely.

-Oh, it is lovely.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

There was a young man from Bombay...

Who took a slow boat to China one day

He was pinned to the tiller by a sex-starved gorilla

And China's a bloody long way.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, listen, Andrew, Prince Andrew's had a bit of good luck

this week. Does anyone know what he's become?

Yeah, he's become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Science, I think.

That's right. And actually,

many senior members are royally pissed off about it.

Yes, they are.

Professor of Science James Wilsdon commented...

Adding, "Anyway, welcome, Your Highness."

Um...

Would you care for a vol-au-vent?

What was the complaint about the ballot paper?

That it was rigged.

According to the Times, actually...

So, unable to vote "no", the results were as follows...

He now stands alongside the inventor of the world wide web,

Sir Tim Berners-Lee, cosmologist Stephen Hawking,

and Sir John Sulston, who oversaw the human genome project.

Although, to be fair to Prince Andrew, in terms of achievement...

And in a final bit of royal news, what has the Welsh Rugby Union

unveiled this week?

-Oh, a portrait of the Queen.

-It is indeed.

-Oh, yeah...

-It doesn't look anything like her.

It's a new portrait of the Queen painted by the Welsh-born artist

Dan Llewellyn Hall and commissioned by

the Welsh Rugby Union

and, fittingly, makes her look like a scrum-half.

It's a picture of David Walliams, isn't it?

The world of science was rocked this week by the decision to elect

Prince Andrew as a Fellow of the Royal Society.

According to the Times,

one explanation for the "yes" vote was that...

An absurd way to set out a ballot paper.

Although Alex Salmond has already put in an order for five million.

Meanwhile, Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week,

in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.

The organiser said...

What, a screaming queen on a gay parade?

That is a shock(!)

And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here's the first one.

BUZZER

That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson.

English football's most successful manager has just resigned.

He's retired after 26-odd years of being at the top.

So basically, yes, he's retiring, which is very unusual in football.

They usually get the sack before they get to retire.

Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?

Are you a Man United fan?

I've approached this from the wrong angle.

I was looking at this monitor and that monitor,

and trying to spot the 15 differences.

Oh, I see, yes.

I'm going to have to give this one the swerve,

but it is a black day for football.

-Are you a Man United fan?

-Of course.

-Are you?

-I'm such a United fan...

-Yeah.

-..I moved out of Manchester.

Why was his departure a shock?

Cos he denied it three days earlier.

That's right - he told fans that he was...

Though he is having a hip operation, so...

-But he's also had a pacemaker fitted.

-Yes.

As always, looking to gain some additional time.

-How long has he been manager for?

-27 years.

26 years and six months -

beating the second-longest serving manager by 26 years.

Ed Miliband tweeted...

At which point, someone had to tell him he hadn't died.

-So can we do a quick Fergie quiz?

-Yes, please.

What did Gordon Brown give Sir Alex Ferguson

again and again and again?

Abusive notes in the post.

Gordon Brown sent him numerous CDs about the assassination of JFK.

Fergie said...

On every one, he's crossed out "Kennedy" and written "Blair".

And what does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?

His wife.

Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.

She has to stand there all night?

She's on the subs bench until she...

Calls her on.

LAUGHTER

No - he keeps by his bed JFK's autopsy report.

Now, can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?

I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't -

here he is, discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...

BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,

"because they really do regard him."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-IMITATES PIRATE:

-"When the tide is high,

"and the crow flies towards the horizon,

"there will be a change of management...argh!"

Can we see it one more time?

Please? Can we see it one more time?

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...

BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,

"because they really do regard him."

Wonderful.

This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.

As the news spread on Wednesday, shocked Man United fans

gathered in the city centre,

bringing London's traffic to a standstill.

Fingers on buzzers, teams...

BUZZER

I don't know what that is - oh, yes, I do.

It's Trafalgar Square and there's a big Christmas decoration on it.

-It's an onion.

-Why is it on top of Nelson's Column, then?

Well, it's to do with a soon-to-be-auctioned letter,

that has revealed that on the eve of his fatal victory at Trafalgar,

Nelson was preoccupied, trying to stop people using...

What emergency is served best by an onion?

-Well, it's not that much of an emergency, but scurvy...

-Oh, yes.

..obviously, was treated by onions,

which are a good source of vitamin C,

and emergency onions became such a preoccupation for Nelson,

he only said, "Kiss me, Hardy," to establish if he'd been eating them.

On the subject of famous people and food,

a New York artist has been photographing famous people's riders

-for an exhibition.

-Oh, right.

I'm going to give you the rider

and I want you to give me the famous person.

-OK.

-This is the first one -

a bottle of Absolute, Jack Daniel's, Chivas Regal, Courvoisier

Beefeater gin, white wine, red wine,

24 chilled jumbo shrimps and cough drops.

BUZZER

Ann Widdecombe.

-It's Frank Sinatra.

-Frank Sinatra.

OK, here's the next one -

fish and chips, McDonalds' cheeseburgers without the buns,

100 prunes and figs

and a framed photo of Princess Diana.

-Elton John.

-No.

Britney Spears.

It IS Britney Spears - well done.

You're the man, Paul. You the man. APPLAUSE

OK, here we go - boiled eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage,

ready at any time throughout the day.

Bernard Matthews.

It's another slightly bonkers American - young woman singer.

How old's Avril Lavigne?

Is that a question for the police?

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you - it's Rihanna.

-I know these fad diets.

-You've never been on a diet.

The Doughnut Diet - a third of it's not there.

-IMITATES JOHN:

-A third of it is not there, it's all air.

There's a guy going into business.

OK, this is the memo about onions written by Lord Nelson

on the eve of Trafalgar.

The Navy bought its onions in bulk -

the onions were brought alongside the ships on long, low boats,

sort of "onion bhajis".

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

PAUL LAUGHS

-Is that a celeriac?

-Isn't that an artichoke?

Is it an artichoke?

AUDIENCE: Fennel!

Oh, it's fennel. No, it's fennel. Fennel.

Welcome to another edition of Is It Fennel Or Not?

We judge fennel, they say no - if you think you've got it right,

phone this number now!

It's the news that plants can sort of...talk, communicate.

"Plants can sort of talk" - how scientific is this?

It's a paper by Prince Andrew.

APPLAUSE

Must be right, must be right.

What do they say, when they're talking?

-They can give across positive and negative vibes.

-Vibes!

LAUGHTER

I feel slightly ashamed that I didn't know that that was fennel,

really, because I live in South London,

and we really only have about three vegetables down there.

Cos in fact, I was touring a few years ago in Cambridge,

and I held something up and tried to get them to guess what it was.

It was a thing called a wife-leader which men uses to lead

their wives around, and I said, "Do you know what that is?"

And one at the front, I kid you not, went,

"Is it a cassava juice extractor?"

Which sort of plants do you think would be friendly

and which would be nasty? Come on!

Beetroot I see as a bit of a thug.

Um, whereas a tomato I think would be very friendly.

If that's anywhere near the right answer, I'm going home.

-Basil was nice and fennel was nasty.

-Ah!

Researchers at Reading University believe that languages

spoken by billions of people across Europe and Asia are descended from

a single ancient super-language - a finding hotly contested by UKIP.

They discovered that...

-Like muesli. Don't you think? Muesli?

-Muesli?

Well, we're hoping to get muesli eventually in Lichfield,

-but they have...

-Are you from Lichfield?

-I'm from Lichfield.

-I had a terrible experience in Lichfield many years ago.

-Was it me?

-No, it wasn't you, thank God.

-Thank God for that.

No, it wasn't that traumatic.

It's so exciting, people call it Lich-Vegas,

and everyone should come to the hottest city in the UK.

But doesn't have muesli.

But it is good to see it's holding out against Alpine breakfast cereals.

Yes! Exactly.

Hoarding all that Nazi gold during the war,

then expecting us to eat their breakfasts!

-Dreadful.

-Milk on a hazelnut - that's disgusting.

Let's hear some of the words that have been around for 15,000 years.

-What does this mean?

-'Geary. Geary.'

-To cry.

-To bark.

-To bark?

Of a tree or a dog?

-What about this one, then?

-'Mar.'

That means "hand".

-What is it? Is it caveman?

-Is it caveman talk?

-Back in the days of the dinosaurs.

-Yes.

Funny how the dinosaurs wound up with them long names

when they had this kind of vocabulary.

Australian scientists have discovered

that plants are capable of basic communication.

Blimey, I didn't even know Australians were capable of that.

Researchers have revealed that Europe and Asia

once shared an ancient common language

that was first spoken 15,000 years ago.

Some of the words and phrases used back then are still used today,

such as, "Nice to see you to see you nice."

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is the closing of the Spice Girls musical, isn't it?

Viva Forever...or six months.

When it opened, the Sunday Times said it was...

And the Mirror said it was...

Apparently the show was so bad,

the desperate audience begged a gay parade to come and drum outside.

Meanwhile, what has been described as the most sexist show ever?

The most sexist show ever.

It's a show that's on in Denmark at the moment.

Ladies, You're Not Good.

Actually, yes, it's kind of...

It's not that far off -

it's a Danish show called Blachman,

which sees naked women paraded in front of two men,

who appraise their bodies.

Let's show you a picture of that.

That would, of course, never be allowed on the BBC.

Although that was how they interviewed secretaries in the '70s.

LAUGHTER

Comments from Thomas Blachman include...

LAUGHTER

And...

I am popping over to audition for that.

-That'll

-BLEEP

-him up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.

Ian and Michael, your four are sausages in the Scottish Parliament,

Cherie Blair's eyes,

a house in Devon

and some double yellow lines in Swindon.

LAUGHTER

MICHAEL FABRICANT: I know about the house in Devon.

The owners repainted it and the local council said it is too pink.

So this is about something being repainted.

-Is there a portrait of Cherie where they repainted the eyes?

-Yes.

To make it look more like her?

Well, it is her eyes and they were the wrong colour. Yes.

Who is going to have a stab at the odd one out?

-The odd one out is the sausages.

-The sausages.

-No.

-The lines.

-The lines are the odd one out.

They have all had their colour criticised apart from the

yellow lines which were the right colour but in the wrong place.

Here they are.

According to the Mail...

They were so worried

people would stop taking double yellow lines seriously

they painted the lines over with black paint, as you can see here.

A sausage in the Scottish Parliament.

One diner complained about the sausage colour. Another said...

Though the most frequent complaint was,

"Found salad on my plate."

Cherie Blair's eyes in a recent portrait

by the artist Adam Birtwistle.

She pointed out her eyes were painted the wrong colour

and he had to repaint them before it went on display.

It's not a perfect likeness of Cherie.

She complained about the eyes?!

LAUGHTER

The artist has really captured the way she lights up a room

if you look at that. See?

LAUGHTER

What else was described as being the wrong colour this week?

Was it Robert Kilroy-Silk?

You are along the right lines.

It was the BNP's South Shields candidate

Lady Dorothy Macbeth Brookes.

Here she is. No, not that one.

-No, not that one. Not that one. There she is.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

Gosh.

Is she 50% teak?

Unfortunately for Dorothy Brookes, her fake tan didn't help her

performance at the polls and she only came sixth,

despite her campaign slogan, "The future's bright..."

LAUGHTER

-OK, Paul and John.

-Yes?

-Here are yours. Police in Winchester.

Jamie Noakes' granny. Some tortoises in Vancouver and a pizza.

Um, Jamie Noakes' granny - that's a microwave, presumably,

we're looking at on the top of her head. Oh, dear me.

-Do you want a clue?

-Yeah, give us a clue. It's rather puzzling.

OK, the clue is Michael Fabricant could also be in this odd one out.

Are they all products of diseased minds,

hallucinatory...descent into the maelstrom?

They all have surprising things on top of them apart from the police in

Winchester, who have been criticised for donning pink flip-flops

whilst on patrol this week.

-Do you want to have a look?

-Yeah.

A floor tiler called Jamie has garnered

a lot of followers on Twitter by posing

a series of pictures of his nan with things balanced on her head.

There she is balancing a beer.

That's not actually one of her grandson's photos.

She's just on her way to Ladies' Day at Ascot.

And a kettle.

A toy car.

A cleaning sign.

Is this how the elderly are going to be forced to make a living?

This is my favourite - an ironing board.

The takeaway pizza is radioactive. It's topped with Cumbrian soil.

It was sent by activists to the Italian embassy in 2005

in protest over Italian nuclear waste sent...

-I knew it didn't look edible.

-Yeah. ..to the area.

-Your instinct was right.

-Straightaway, I was on it like a cheap suit.

What are the advantages to a radioactive pizza?

-You can see it in the dark?

-Best before date...

And finally, a woman in the US can barely keep up with demand

for her new knitted tortoise cosies. Here's an example.

-MICHAEL: Looks like Jaws.

-I think that is meant to be Jaws, that one.

OK, they all have surprising things on top of them, apart from police

in Winchester, who have surprising things on the soles of their feet.

According to one report, the police...

Well, we know how much the police love the sun,

mainly because it pays them so much for their stories.

Time now for the Missing Words round.

This week's guest publication is

the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

Hmm! I love foraging for mushrooms.

You have a nice walk in the forest,

you get to pick exciting new mushrooms you've never seen before,

and then back home at the end of the day

you get to shit out your kidneys.

And we start with...

MICHAEL FABRICANT: Parasolium Boris Johnsonismus.

Yeah, have you ever heard of a Chlorophyllum olivieri?

-Yes.

-No, you haven't.

This is from, of course, the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

According to one reporter...

Blimey. I had enough trouble when Marathon changed to Snickers.

LAUGHTER

I thought your pronunciation was brilliant.

Thank you very much. And I don't want to go out with you.

LAUGHTER

Next. Gordon Brown...

Not linked.

LAUGHTER

No, the answer is...

I don't believe it.

Gordon Brown will be appearing in a charity concert with Beyonce.

It'll be amazing appearing on stage with that famous arse,

but Beyonce doesn't seem to mind.

Next...

-Success! Did you say success as well?

-No, shiitake.

This is the fungus Tricholoma sulphureum.

-Ooh, am I having fun tonight with some fungus names.

-Very impressive.

As in, wind the window down,

I think I've just picked a Tricholoma sulphureum.

Next.

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: To assist with the broadcast of fungal spores.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely. That's the best answer we have ever had on any question.

No, it's "Hitting a log with a hammer..."

-Wake up?

-Here's a tip.

If you find your husband walking off into the forest with a hammer,

saying, "I'm just going to wake up my mushrooms," I think

you should call the police.

Next.

-JOHN: Beryl.

-Beryl!

He's a poet!

Mess with Beryl and Meryl at your peril.

No, I wish it was.

Lastly...

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: Never having to say you're sorry.

LAUGHTER

Means that you will have a golden future laid out in front of you.

Your bare feet will glide across the carpet of good fortune

as the sunlight of happiness comes through the window of opportunity.

Yeah.

Eh, no.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That leads us to the final scores, which are...

Michael and Ian have three,

but John and Paul are the winners with five.

-APPLAUSE

-How did we manage that?

We did our best, didn't we?

But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: I told them. Bungee jumping at my age...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news that, in St Albans, UKIP

unveils its new diversity think tank tasked with reaching

out to the immigrant community.

LAUGHTER

In Hackney, a delighted traffic warden meets his annual quota

with one ticket.

LAUGHTER

And after leaving this studio without embarrassing himself

too much, Michael Fabricant goes out and lets his hair down.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd