Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 6

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:300:00:33

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

0:00:360:00:40

In the news this week - in Salford, a local reporter double-checks

0:00:400:00:45

when the BBC's new head of pronunciation will start work.

0:00:450:00:49

Tomorra.

0:00:490:00:50

Tomorrow.

0:00:500:00:52

Tomorra.

0:00:520:00:53

-Tomorrow.

-Tomorra.

0:00:530:00:54

It's "tomorrow".

0:00:550:00:57

No, it's "tomorra".

0:00:570:00:58

LAUGHTER

0:00:580:01:01

The man who invested millions in the Spice Girls musical

0:01:010:01:04

demonstrates what he'd do if he met them now.

0:01:040:01:07

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

0:01:070:01:09

LAUGHTER

0:01:090:01:11

And on a street in Tunisia,

0:01:110:01:13

a women is seen trying to reverse into a parking space.

0:01:130:01:17

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

0:01:230:01:26

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who has been

0:01:260:01:29

described as "a right-wing Euro-sceptic,

0:01:290:01:32

"with strange hair it's impossible to avoid referring to".

0:01:320:01:36

Oh, and he also has strange hair.

0:01:360:01:39

Will you please welcome - Michael Fabricant and his strange hair.

0:01:390:01:43

APPLAUSE

0:01:430:01:45

And with Paul tonight is a poet who recently said that Shakespeare

0:01:480:01:52

and Baudelaire are the only poets he thinks are better than him.

0:01:520:01:56

Which is debatable, but he's cheaper and the other two are dead.

0:01:560:01:59

So, please welcome John Cooper Clarke.

0:01:590:02:02

APPLAUSE

0:02:020:02:04

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

0:02:090:02:11

Ian and Michael, take a look at this.

0:02:110:02:14

-Yes.

-Ah.

0:02:140:02:16

-Nigel Farage.

-Yes.

0:02:160:02:17

Oh, this is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.

0:02:170:02:20

Now look, I'm vice chairman,

0:02:200:02:22

supposed to be in charge of parliamentary campaigning for...

0:02:220:02:25

So, a good night for you, then? How do you think it went?

0:02:250:02:28

I think it went, eh... Shall we discuss my hair?

0:02:280:02:32

LAUGHTER

0:02:320:02:33

Look, I sat next to Louise Mensch, who'd had a facelift

0:02:330:02:37

and I didn't even notice,

0:02:370:02:38

so I'm barely going to see that it's a wig, am I?

0:02:380:02:40

You think that this is a wig?

0:02:400:02:43

I have no idea.

0:02:430:02:45

I'll show you what a wig is

0:02:450:02:46

and I'm very tempted to wear it. THIS is a wig!

0:02:460:02:50

Right.

0:02:530:02:54

Well, that was a showstopper. So that's the end of that.

0:02:540:02:58

Don't blink - you could be missing something very important.

0:02:580:03:01

Yes, this is the government's rightward lurch,

0:03:020:03:05

otherwise known as David Cameron.

0:03:050:03:07

Which hoary old chestnut has

0:03:070:03:09

re-emerged to haunt Cameron?

0:03:090:03:13

Europe.

0:03:130:03:14

Well, it's Nigel Lawson, actually.

0:03:140:03:16

He's lost too much weight.

0:03:160:03:18

Don't you think if you've been a bit on the heavy side,

0:03:180:03:21

you then shouldn't lose too much weight,

0:03:210:03:23

otherwise everything starts hanging off like a dog.

0:03:230:03:26

You know what I mean? Those dogs.

0:03:260:03:30

I can see why the Tory Party's in trouble.

0:03:300:03:32

Well, what they say, actually, is that if you lose weight

0:03:350:03:38

under the age of 40, you look younger,

0:03:380:03:40

but if you lose weight over the age of 40,

0:03:400:03:42

it makes you look older, cos you look wrinkly.

0:03:420:03:45

-I'll remember that.

-So can someone bring me a burger?

0:03:450:03:48

Despite being 81, he has now changed his mind,

0:03:480:03:51

proving he's a proper Tory.

0:03:510:03:52

He says we should leave Europe

0:03:520:03:54

and that'll get the core vote back to your lot.

0:03:540:03:58

I don't think he does think that. But anyway. That's what he believes.

0:03:580:04:02

Maybe we should. We ought to do a poll.

0:04:020:04:04

We're probably not allowed to do this. Who would leave Europe now? Hands up.

0:04:040:04:08

-Oh, not many.

-No. There's quite a lot.

0:04:080:04:12

Anyway, we're not going to, because sadly you're not in charge.

0:04:120:04:16

Let me ask you a question -

0:04:170:04:19

what has David Cameron made the Queen do this week?

0:04:190:04:22

Well, she had to make a speech.

0:04:220:04:24

That's right.

0:04:240:04:25

But it was mercifully short, I thought.

0:04:250:04:27

And the great thing about a government that hasn't got

0:04:270:04:29

many ideas is that they can't do that much harm.

0:04:290:04:32

It contains measures on controlling rights of immigrants

0:04:320:04:34

to the benefits system and scrapping widows' pensions

0:04:340:04:37

for foreigners living abroad.

0:04:370:04:40

So, Michael, if you married an exotic Filipino dancer on a business trip

0:04:400:04:43

to Manila and then snuffed it, she wouldn't get your pension.

0:04:430:04:48

Quite right, some might say.

0:04:480:04:50

Speaking of trips abroad, what's this about you

0:04:500:04:53

and a jar of Coffee-Mate?

0:04:530:04:54

Oh. well... I was walking in Columbia, and it wasn't a jar of Coffee-Mate,

0:04:540:05:01

I'd rather stupidly put it in little sachets, because...

0:05:010:05:05

LAUGHTER

0:05:050:05:07

I was walking in the jungle and these armed guys came along

0:05:070:05:12

and they looked in my backpack and they were saying, "What is this?"

0:05:120:05:15

And I reacted in my usual way, so they were convinced that I was...

0:05:150:05:18

On drugs!

0:05:180:05:19

..on drugs.

0:05:190:05:20

Who was the person you were with?

0:05:200:05:23

I will not reveal it at this particular point in time,

0:05:230:05:26

as he will be embarrassed.

0:05:260:05:28

What, to have gone there with you?

0:05:280:05:30

Probably.

0:05:300:05:31

What else are the government pledging to get rid of?

0:05:310:05:35

They're always doing this.

0:05:350:05:37

-Ah. We're getting rid of red tape.

-Absolutely.

0:05:370:05:39

We're always doing that.

0:05:390:05:40

Well, we're going to do it this time!

0:05:400:05:42

What problems might new proposed government legislation have

0:05:450:05:48

caused this man, for example?

0:05:480:05:50

Oh, he's a landlord, isn't he?

0:05:500:05:52

-He is.

-Rossiter in Rising Damp.

0:05:520:05:55

Yes, landlords are being asked to check the legal status

0:05:550:05:58

of anybody coming from abroad that's renting rooms from them.

0:05:580:06:01

That's right, which will involve landlords filling in a lot

0:06:010:06:04

of forms, which will involve them in quite a lot of red tape.

0:06:040:06:08

Yeah, but look at this picture again - they look foreign to me!

0:06:080:06:11

A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

0:06:110:06:12

-Which ones?

-I'd rather not say.

0:06:120:06:15

Yeah, I'd imagine you wouldn't!

0:06:150:06:18

Are you a real person? You're not, like, a character actor?

0:06:180:06:21

LAUGHTER

0:06:210:06:23

This isn't like...

0:06:230:06:24

APPLAUSE

0:06:240:06:26

Now, let me ask you - what wasn't mentioned in the Queen's Speech?

0:06:260:06:30

The career of Kirk Douglas.

0:06:300:06:32

Technically, that is correct.

0:06:340:06:35

Never gets mentioned at all, it's as if he never even made a film.

0:06:350:06:39

-Gay marriage.

-Indeed. That's right.

0:06:390:06:41

But that's because it's already going through, you see.

0:06:410:06:45

So, it wasn't new legislation.

0:06:450:06:48

So, it wasn't just an attempt to look a bit tougher?

0:06:480:06:51

-No, we're trying to look hunky.

-Look a bit butcher.

0:06:510:06:53

Well, I've been asked to look very hunky,

0:06:530:06:55

don't you think I'm succeeding?

0:06:550:06:58

LAUGHTER

0:06:580:07:00

Do you know, I'm so worried, I have no response!

0:07:000:07:03

LAUGHTER

0:07:030:07:05

I'm the new butch look of the Conservative Party.

0:07:050:07:09

Oh, dear, what do the camp ones look like?

0:07:100:07:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:07:120:07:17

Gay marriage hasn't been particularly popular

0:07:170:07:20

and a vote-winner. Let's just have a look. It's demonstrated

0:07:200:07:24

very well, I think, by this couple here.

0:07:240:07:26

Well, we're not that impressed, actually.

0:07:260:07:30

Are we, love?

0:07:300:07:32

The Queen's speech was actually written

0:07:340:07:37

before the elections last week. How do we know this?

0:07:370:07:40

It takes several days for the ink to dry on the vellum.

0:07:400:07:44

It does take three days to dry out, a bit like the old Queen Mother.

0:07:440:07:49

LAUGHTER

0:07:490:07:50

So...back to UKIP, briefly.

0:07:500:07:53

What has Nigel Farage actually been suggesting as a compromise

0:07:530:07:58

with the Tories?

0:07:580:07:59

He said he'd have a coalition with the Tories,

0:07:590:08:01

providing they got rid of Cameron.

0:08:010:08:03

That's right, and made whom the leader?

0:08:030:08:05

Himself.

0:08:050:08:07

-No.

-Was it Berlusconi?

0:08:070:08:10

-Think...

-Boris!

-Yes.

0:08:120:08:14

Sorry, we're thinking clowns, aren't we?

0:08:140:08:16

Michael, you were one of the first to suggest a pact with UKIP

0:08:160:08:19

-last year, weren't you?

-Didn't go well.

0:08:190:08:21

Is it because you feel there is some common ground with UKIP?

0:08:210:08:24

You see, I've got this theory.

0:08:240:08:26

You see, David Cameron in the last election said "vote blue, go green".

0:08:260:08:31

I just think, you know, that blue and green should never be seen.

0:08:310:08:34

Am I sitting next to Gok Wan?!

0:08:340:08:38

Let's just show a quote, shall we, Michael?

0:08:380:08:42

You said...

0:08:420:08:43

-Yep.

-Ooh.

0:08:500:08:51

-All parties have them.

-Not the BNP, though, surely?

0:08:510:08:54

LAUGHTER

0:08:540:08:55

And now, Nadine Dorries, she's back in the Tory fold,

0:08:550:08:59

which I'm sure everyone's very pleased about.

0:08:590:09:01

Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be

0:09:010:09:04

UKIP General Election candidates? Do you know?

0:09:040:09:08

Both the Hamiltons.

0:09:080:09:09

-That's right.

-Christine and Neil.

0:09:090:09:11

Yes, you groan!

0:09:110:09:13

But come the Farage cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...

0:09:130:09:17

LAUGHTER

0:09:170:09:19

..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.

0:09:190:09:23

That's Christine!

0:09:230:09:25

LAUGHTER

0:09:250:09:27

Apart from Christine and Neil Hamilton, anyone else?

0:09:280:09:31

He's the on DJ who's still available for bookings at the moment.

0:09:310:09:35

-Dave Lee Travis?

-No, he's not available.

-He's not available.

0:09:350:09:38

-It's Mike Read.

-Mike Read!

0:09:400:09:42

He had a radio show on Frinton-on-Sea in Essex.

0:09:420:09:46

-Was it called Fascist FM?

-It was...

0:09:460:09:48

Frinton, of course, is known for its geriatric population.

0:09:490:09:53

It's a place of sanatoria.

0:09:540:09:57

-See Frinton and die.

-That's right.

0:10:000:10:02

There use to be a sign on the main road in saying,

0:10:020:10:05

"Harwich for the continent, Frinton for the incontinent."

0:10:050:10:09

Why shouldn't the government be too worried

0:10:120:10:14

about UKIP in a General Election?

0:10:140:10:16

Because if the get the same percentage of the vote,

0:10:160:10:19

which is 23% of the vote, they won't get any seats at all.

0:10:190:10:22

So, quarter of the country can vote for you, and you get nothing.

0:10:220:10:26

Which shows the system's working.

0:10:260:10:28

But the good news is...

0:10:280:10:30

Is what? That you're still in?

0:10:300:10:32

..is that the BNP would get in if you went for a proportional

0:10:320:10:35

representational system.

0:10:350:10:37

Right. So, you're saying better to keep it as it is?

0:10:370:10:40

I'm just saying...

0:10:400:10:41

I'm just saying that the British public...

0:10:410:10:44

I'm putting on my Conservative Party voice, now.

0:10:440:10:47

The British public know what parties to support

0:10:470:10:50

that will be reasonable and moderate.

0:10:500:10:54

And that's all I want to say at this time.

0:10:540:10:56

And I now hand you back to the chairman.

0:10:560:10:59

The thing that amazes me about MPs is that they don't seem to

0:10:590:11:02

have any idea how embarrassing they are in public!

0:11:020:11:05

LAUGHTER

0:11:050:11:06

They have no idea!

0:11:060:11:08

APPLAUSE

0:11:080:11:10

Let's move on and now see if we can spot the message Theresa May

0:11:100:11:14

was trying to get across in this interview.

0:11:140:11:17

A number of councillors

0:11:170:11:18

who'd worked hard for their local communities lost their seats...

0:11:180:11:21

..who feel they will have worked hard for their local communities.

0:11:210:11:24

We have to work hard to feel how we're delivering on the issues

0:11:240:11:27

that really matter to people, on the issues that people want us to,

0:11:270:11:30

hard-working people want us to focus on, and we will be working

0:11:300:11:33

hard to do that and working hard to bring those people back.

0:11:330:11:37

We will carry on working hard to deal with those issues that

0:11:370:11:40

hard-working people want us to focus on.

0:11:400:11:42

We will be working hard to carry on with that delivery. Working hard.

0:11:420:11:46

We need to work hard to get those votes back for the election,

0:11:460:11:50

but what we need to do is to show that

0:11:500:11:52

we are working hard for hard-working people,

0:11:520:11:55

people who work hard and want to get on in life.

0:11:550:11:58

Sounds a bit too much like hard work!

0:12:000:12:03

Nigel Lawson spoke out against the EU this week,

0:12:070:12:11

saying it was...

0:12:110:12:13

That's Nigel Lawson, best before October 1989.

0:12:130:12:17

Meanwhile, a jubilant Nigel Farage

0:12:170:12:20

was still celebrating UKIP's success.

0:12:200:12:22

According to the Sunday Express, he spent the weekend...

0:12:220:12:25

Take that, EU fishing quota.

0:12:280:12:30

Er, Paul and John, take a look at this.

0:12:320:12:35

Yes, it's the Queen and Prince Philip having a little wave.

0:12:350:12:38

That's working out the scaffold, shouldn't be there for that.

0:12:380:12:41

That's Prince Charles dancing with somebody - a close admirer.

0:12:410:12:45

And he admires her. And there's Camilla...

0:12:450:12:46

yes, that would seem to be about the Queen and Prince Charles, basically.

0:12:460:12:50

She's not going to the Commonwealth summit this year,

0:12:500:12:52

which is the first one she's missed in 40 years,

0:12:520:12:55

promoting thoughts that she might be cutting down

0:12:550:12:57

on longer air journeys now that she's 87.

0:12:570:12:59

That's basically it, scaling down her royal duties.

0:12:590:13:02

What did she do during the state opening of parliament,

0:13:020:13:05

in a sign that she may want to hand over some of her workload?

0:13:050:13:09

Abseiled down the front of Big Ben?

0:13:090:13:11

Screaming, "I've had enough! They're all bleeding bonkers in there."

0:13:110:13:15

Why is Charles particularly keen to attend

0:13:150:13:19

the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference?

0:13:190:13:21

Well, he's head of the Commonwealth, not just of Britain.

0:13:210:13:23

So he's got to - they've all got to vote to make him, um...

0:13:230:13:27

-Head of the Commonwealth.

-Yes, he doesn't have automatic right

0:13:270:13:30

to become Head of the Commonwealth after the Queen's death.

0:13:300:13:33

-They could give it to anyone.

-Exactly.

0:13:330:13:36

Christine Hamilton.

0:13:360:13:37

I like the idea of her meeting Mugabe.

0:13:370:13:40

"Oh, you're a mass murderer."

0:13:430:13:46

"And I'm Robert Mugabe."

0:13:460:13:48

Um...

0:13:480:13:50

There should be a whole series of jokes

0:13:530:13:55

that end up with the punch line, "And I'm Robert Mugabe."

0:13:550:13:58

Let's try and think of a few, as we go through.

0:13:580:14:00

I'll have a think when he starts talking again.

0:14:000:14:02

That'll give me a couple of minutes.

0:14:020:14:05

What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?

0:14:050:14:08

She was doing The Audience in the West End of London.

0:14:080:14:11

Reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,

0:14:110:14:15

-and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.

-Mm.

0:14:150:14:20

And she come out and complained about it.

0:14:200:14:22

-She told 'em to

-BLEEP

-off.

0:14:220:14:24

-How do they know it wasn't the Queen?

-Precisely, yeah.

0:14:260:14:29

Bloody hell!

0:14:290:14:30

-When she says

-BLEEP

-off...

0:14:320:14:34

-Yeah, you stay

-BLEEP-ed

-off.

0:14:340:14:36

One bystander told the Times...

0:14:380:14:40

That's quite expensive, isn't it? £100.

0:14:520:14:55

How much are you, John?

0:14:550:14:57

How much to see you perform?

0:14:570:14:59

I've never paid...

0:14:590:15:00

LAUGHTER

0:15:000:15:04

-It's about, what - about a score.

-About a score.

-About a score.

0:15:050:15:08

-Yeah.

-And how many poems do you get?

0:15:080:15:11

About...19 yards of poetry.

0:15:110:15:14

They get.

0:15:140:15:16

And what speed are you doing over those 19 yards?

0:15:160:15:19

-Negotiable.

-Oh, right.

0:15:190:15:22

-No, I was a fan, a long time ago.

-Oh, thanks.

0:15:220:15:24

Still am, obviously.

0:15:240:15:27

Yeah, I was going to say, where did I blot me copybook?

0:15:270:15:30

Are you a fan?

0:15:300:15:32

Er - yes.

0:15:320:15:34

Can't even say "yes" with conviction!

0:15:360:15:39

Cos - cos I know you're going to say,

0:15:390:15:41

"Well, recite some of his poetry, then."

0:15:410:15:43

That's what I knew was coming.

0:15:430:15:45

- I'll be asking you questions later. - Exactly.

0:15:450:15:48

There's one called Twat.

0:15:480:15:49

I can ever remember some of Twat, can you?

0:15:490:15:52

Like a death at a birthday party you ruin all the fun

0:15:520:15:57

Like a sucked and spat-out Smartie you're no use to anyone.

0:15:570:16:01

That's all I can remember.

0:16:010:16:02

It's a great favourite, thank you.

0:16:020:16:04

APPLAUSE Thanks, Jo.

0:16:040:16:06

I've written the wedding favourite, one called I Wanna Be Yours.

0:16:060:16:09

I'm not going to recite it, but it's compulsory on the GCSEs still,

0:16:090:16:13

as Michael Gove will be glad to hear.

0:16:130:16:15

It is to modern weddings what Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

0:16:170:16:21

by Eric Idle is to humanist funerals.

0:16:210:16:24

You won't know about that, I'm 64, I could go to seven a week.

0:16:280:16:32

If I really wanted to.

0:16:350:16:37

No man can live on vol-au-vents alone.

0:16:370:16:40

Can we have a bit of your wedding poem?

0:16:430:16:46

Yes, the first verse goes like this.

0:16:460:16:47

Let me your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust

0:16:470:16:50

Let me be your Morris Marina I will never rust

0:16:500:16:53

If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot

0:16:530:16:56

You call the shots I wanna be yours.

0:16:560:16:59

There are three more verses in that vein.

0:16:590:17:01

-That's lovely.

-Oh, it is lovely.

0:17:010:17:03

APPLAUSE

0:17:030:17:05

Thank you.

0:17:050:17:07

There was a young man from Bombay...

0:17:100:17:13

Who took a slow boat to China one day

0:17:130:17:16

He was pinned to the tiller by a sex-starved gorilla

0:17:160:17:18

And China's a bloody long way.

0:17:180:17:20

APPLAUSE

0:17:200:17:22

Anyway, listen, Andrew, Prince Andrew's had a bit of good luck

0:17:250:17:29

this week. Does anyone know what he's become?

0:17:290:17:31

Yeah, he's become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Science, I think.

0:17:310:17:35

That's right. And actually,

0:17:350:17:37

many senior members are royally pissed off about it.

0:17:370:17:40

Yes, they are.

0:17:400:17:41

Professor of Science James Wilsdon commented...

0:17:410:17:44

Adding, "Anyway, welcome, Your Highness."

0:17:530:17:56

Um...

0:17:560:17:57

Would you care for a vol-au-vent?

0:17:570:17:59

What was the complaint about the ballot paper?

0:18:010:18:04

That it was rigged.

0:18:040:18:06

According to the Times, actually...

0:18:060:18:08

So, unable to vote "no", the results were as follows...

0:18:160:18:19

He now stands alongside the inventor of the world wide web,

0:18:270:18:31

Sir Tim Berners-Lee, cosmologist Stephen Hawking,

0:18:310:18:34

and Sir John Sulston, who oversaw the human genome project.

0:18:340:18:37

Although, to be fair to Prince Andrew, in terms of achievement...

0:18:370:18:41

And in a final bit of royal news, what has the Welsh Rugby Union

0:18:450:18:49

unveiled this week?

0:18:490:18:51

-Oh, a portrait of the Queen.

-It is indeed.

0:18:510:18:53

-Oh, yeah...

-It doesn't look anything like her.

0:18:530:18:56

It's a new portrait of the Queen painted by the Welsh-born artist

0:18:560:19:00

Dan Llewellyn Hall and commissioned by

0:19:000:19:02

the Welsh Rugby Union

0:19:020:19:04

and, fittingly, makes her look like a scrum-half.

0:19:040:19:07

It's a picture of David Walliams, isn't it?

0:19:100:19:13

The world of science was rocked this week by the decision to elect

0:19:130:19:16

Prince Andrew as a Fellow of the Royal Society.

0:19:160:19:19

According to the Times,

0:19:190:19:20

one explanation for the "yes" vote was that...

0:19:200:19:22

An absurd way to set out a ballot paper.

0:19:250:19:27

Although Alex Salmond has already put in an order for five million.

0:19:270:19:31

Meanwhile, Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week,

0:19:310:19:36

in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.

0:19:360:19:40

The organiser said...

0:19:400:19:41

What, a screaming queen on a gay parade?

0:19:490:19:52

That is a shock(!)

0:19:520:19:53

And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.

0:19:580:20:02

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:20:020:20:05

Here's the first one.

0:20:050:20:06

BUZZER

0:20:110:20:13

That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson.

0:20:130:20:15

English football's most successful manager has just resigned.

0:20:150:20:18

He's retired after 26-odd years of being at the top.

0:20:180:20:21

So basically, yes, he's retiring, which is very unusual in football.

0:20:210:20:24

They usually get the sack before they get to retire.

0:20:240:20:27

Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?

0:20:270:20:30

Are you a Man United fan?

0:20:300:20:31

I've approached this from the wrong angle.

0:20:310:20:33

I was looking at this monitor and that monitor,

0:20:330:20:36

and trying to spot the 15 differences.

0:20:360:20:37

Oh, I see, yes.

0:20:370:20:39

I'm going to have to give this one the swerve,

0:20:410:20:45

but it is a black day for football.

0:20:450:20:48

-Are you a Man United fan?

-Of course.

-Are you?

-I'm such a United fan...

0:20:480:20:51

-Yeah.

-..I moved out of Manchester.

0:20:510:20:53

Why was his departure a shock?

0:20:550:20:57

Cos he denied it three days earlier.

0:20:570:20:59

That's right - he told fans that he was...

0:20:590:21:02

Though he is having a hip operation, so...

0:21:060:21:09

-But he's also had a pacemaker fitted.

-Yes.

0:21:120:21:14

As always, looking to gain some additional time.

0:21:140:21:17

-How long has he been manager for?

-27 years.

0:21:190:21:22

26 years and six months -

0:21:220:21:25

beating the second-longest serving manager by 26 years.

0:21:250:21:28

Ed Miliband tweeted...

0:21:310:21:32

At which point, someone had to tell him he hadn't died.

0:21:390:21:43

-So can we do a quick Fergie quiz?

-Yes, please.

0:21:450:21:48

What did Gordon Brown give Sir Alex Ferguson

0:21:480:21:50

again and again and again?

0:21:500:21:52

Abusive notes in the post.

0:21:520:21:54

Gordon Brown sent him numerous CDs about the assassination of JFK.

0:21:540:22:00

Fergie said...

0:22:000:22:02

On every one, he's crossed out "Kennedy" and written "Blair".

0:22:060:22:09

And what does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?

0:22:120:22:15

His wife.

0:22:150:22:16

Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.

0:22:210:22:24

She has to stand there all night?

0:22:240:22:26

She's on the subs bench until she...

0:22:280:22:31

Calls her on.

0:22:310:22:33

LAUGHTER

0:22:330:22:35

No - he keeps by his bed JFK's autopsy report.

0:22:350:22:41

Now, can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?

0:22:410:22:45

I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't -

0:22:450:22:49

here he is, discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.

0:22:490:22:53

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...

0:22:530:22:56

BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,

0:22:560:22:59

"because they really do regard him."

0:22:590:23:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:03

-IMITATES PIRATE:

-"When the tide is high,

0:23:060:23:08

"and the crow flies towards the horizon,

0:23:080:23:12

"there will be a change of management...argh!"

0:23:120:23:16

Can we see it one more time?

0:23:190:23:21

Please? Can we see it one more time?

0:23:210:23:24

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...

0:23:240:23:28

BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,

0:23:280:23:30

"because they really do regard him."

0:23:300:23:33

Wonderful.

0:23:360:23:38

This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.

0:23:390:23:42

As the news spread on Wednesday, shocked Man United fans

0:23:420:23:45

gathered in the city centre,

0:23:450:23:46

bringing London's traffic to a standstill.

0:23:460:23:49

Fingers on buzzers, teams...

0:23:500:23:52

BUZZER

0:23:580:23:59

I don't know what that is - oh, yes, I do.

0:23:590:24:01

It's Trafalgar Square and there's a big Christmas decoration on it.

0:24:010:24:04

-It's an onion.

-Why is it on top of Nelson's Column, then?

0:24:040:24:06

Well, it's to do with a soon-to-be-auctioned letter,

0:24:060:24:11

that has revealed that on the eve of his fatal victory at Trafalgar,

0:24:110:24:15

Nelson was preoccupied, trying to stop people using...

0:24:150:24:18

What emergency is served best by an onion?

0:24:210:24:25

-Well, it's not that much of an emergency, but scurvy...

-Oh, yes.

0:24:250:24:29

..obviously, was treated by onions,

0:24:290:24:32

which are a good source of vitamin C,

0:24:320:24:34

and emergency onions became such a preoccupation for Nelson,

0:24:340:24:38

he only said, "Kiss me, Hardy," to establish if he'd been eating them.

0:24:380:24:41

On the subject of famous people and food,

0:24:410:24:44

a New York artist has been photographing famous people's riders

0:24:440:24:48

-for an exhibition.

-Oh, right.

0:24:480:24:49

I'm going to give you the rider

0:24:490:24:51

and I want you to give me the famous person.

0:24:510:24:53

-OK.

-This is the first one -

0:24:530:24:55

a bottle of Absolute, Jack Daniel's, Chivas Regal, Courvoisier

0:24:550:24:59

Beefeater gin, white wine, red wine,

0:24:590:25:01

24 chilled jumbo shrimps and cough drops.

0:25:010:25:04

BUZZER

0:25:040:25:05

Ann Widdecombe.

0:25:050:25:07

-It's Frank Sinatra.

-Frank Sinatra.

0:25:090:25:11

OK, here's the next one -

0:25:110:25:12

fish and chips, McDonalds' cheeseburgers without the buns,

0:25:120:25:16

100 prunes and figs

0:25:160:25:18

and a framed photo of Princess Diana.

0:25:180:25:21

-Elton John.

-No.

0:25:230:25:24

Britney Spears.

0:25:260:25:27

It IS Britney Spears - well done.

0:25:270:25:30

You're the man, Paul. You the man. APPLAUSE

0:25:300:25:34

OK, here we go - boiled eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage,

0:25:340:25:38

ready at any time throughout the day.

0:25:380:25:40

Bernard Matthews.

0:25:400:25:41

It's another slightly bonkers American - young woman singer.

0:25:430:25:47

How old's Avril Lavigne?

0:25:470:25:50

Is that a question for the police?

0:25:510:25:53

APPLAUSE

0:25:560:25:58

I'll tell you - it's Rihanna.

0:25:580:26:00

-I know these fad diets.

-You've never been on a diet.

0:26:000:26:03

The Doughnut Diet - a third of it's not there.

0:26:030:26:06

-IMITATES JOHN:

-A third of it is not there, it's all air.

0:26:080:26:10

There's a guy going into business.

0:26:120:26:14

OK, this is the memo about onions written by Lord Nelson

0:26:170:26:21

on the eve of Trafalgar.

0:26:210:26:22

The Navy bought its onions in bulk -

0:26:220:26:24

the onions were brought alongside the ships on long, low boats,

0:26:240:26:28

sort of "onion bhajis".

0:26:280:26:30

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:26:320:26:35

PAUL LAUGHS

0:26:410:26:43

-Is that a celeriac?

-Isn't that an artichoke?

0:26:430:26:47

Is it an artichoke?

0:26:470:26:48

AUDIENCE: Fennel!

0:26:480:26:49

Oh, it's fennel. No, it's fennel. Fennel.

0:26:490:26:52

Welcome to another edition of Is It Fennel Or Not?

0:26:530:26:56

We judge fennel, they say no - if you think you've got it right,

0:26:570:27:00

phone this number now!

0:27:000:27:02

It's the news that plants can sort of...talk, communicate.

0:27:020:27:06

"Plants can sort of talk" - how scientific is this?

0:27:090:27:12

It's a paper by Prince Andrew.

0:27:120:27:15

APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:17

Must be right, must be right.

0:27:170:27:21

What do they say, when they're talking?

0:27:210:27:23

-They can give across positive and negative vibes.

-Vibes!

0:27:230:27:27

LAUGHTER

0:27:270:27:30

I feel slightly ashamed that I didn't know that that was fennel,

0:27:300:27:34

really, because I live in South London,

0:27:340:27:36

and we really only have about three vegetables down there.

0:27:360:27:40

Cos in fact, I was touring a few years ago in Cambridge,

0:27:400:27:43

and I held something up and tried to get them to guess what it was.

0:27:430:27:46

It was a thing called a wife-leader which men uses to lead

0:27:460:27:48

their wives around, and I said, "Do you know what that is?"

0:27:480:27:50

And one at the front, I kid you not, went,

0:27:500:27:53

"Is it a cassava juice extractor?"

0:27:530:27:55

Which sort of plants do you think would be friendly

0:27:590:28:03

and which would be nasty? Come on!

0:28:030:28:05

Beetroot I see as a bit of a thug.

0:28:050:28:08

Um, whereas a tomato I think would be very friendly.

0:28:080:28:11

If that's anywhere near the right answer, I'm going home.

0:28:160:28:18

-Basil was nice and fennel was nasty.

-Ah!

0:28:200:28:24

Researchers at Reading University believe that languages

0:28:240:28:27

spoken by billions of people across Europe and Asia are descended from

0:28:270:28:31

a single ancient super-language - a finding hotly contested by UKIP.

0:28:310:28:35

They discovered that...

0:28:370:28:38

-Like muesli. Don't you think? Muesli?

-Muesli?

0:28:420:28:48

Well, we're hoping to get muesli eventually in Lichfield,

0:28:480:28:52

-but they have...

-Are you from Lichfield?

-I'm from Lichfield.

0:28:520:28:56

-I had a terrible experience in Lichfield many years ago.

-Was it me?

0:28:560:28:59

-No, it wasn't you, thank God.

-Thank God for that.

0:28:590:29:02

No, it wasn't that traumatic.

0:29:020:29:05

It's so exciting, people call it Lich-Vegas,

0:29:050:29:07

and everyone should come to the hottest city in the UK.

0:29:070:29:11

But doesn't have muesli.

0:29:110:29:13

But it is good to see it's holding out against Alpine breakfast cereals.

0:29:130:29:18

Yes! Exactly.

0:29:180:29:22

Hoarding all that Nazi gold during the war,

0:29:230:29:25

then expecting us to eat their breakfasts!

0:29:250:29:28

-Dreadful.

-Milk on a hazelnut - that's disgusting.

0:29:280:29:32

Let's hear some of the words that have been around for 15,000 years.

0:29:340:29:37

-What does this mean?

-'Geary. Geary.'

0:29:370:29:42

-To cry.

-To bark.

-To bark?

0:29:420:29:45

Of a tree or a dog?

0:29:450:29:48

-What about this one, then?

-'Mar.'

0:29:480:29:51

That means "hand".

0:29:510:29:53

-What is it? Is it caveman?

-Is it caveman talk?

0:29:530:29:57

-Back in the days of the dinosaurs.

-Yes.

0:29:570:29:59

Funny how the dinosaurs wound up with them long names

0:30:010:30:03

when they had this kind of vocabulary.

0:30:030:30:05

Australian scientists have discovered

0:30:080:30:10

that plants are capable of basic communication.

0:30:100:30:14

Blimey, I didn't even know Australians were capable of that.

0:30:140:30:16

Researchers have revealed that Europe and Asia

0:30:160:30:19

once shared an ancient common language

0:30:190:30:21

that was first spoken 15,000 years ago.

0:30:210:30:24

Some of the words and phrases used back then are still used today,

0:30:240:30:28

such as, "Nice to see you to see you nice."

0:30:280:30:30

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:30:320:30:33

BUZZER

0:30:390:30:40

This is the closing of the Spice Girls musical, isn't it?

0:30:400:30:43

Viva Forever...or six months.

0:30:430:30:45

When it opened, the Sunday Times said it was...

0:30:450:30:48

And the Mirror said it was...

0:30:520:30:54

Apparently the show was so bad,

0:31:000:31:02

the desperate audience begged a gay parade to come and drum outside.

0:31:020:31:06

Meanwhile, what has been described as the most sexist show ever?

0:31:070:31:13

The most sexist show ever.

0:31:130:31:15

It's a show that's on in Denmark at the moment.

0:31:150:31:17

Ladies, You're Not Good.

0:31:170:31:19

Actually, yes, it's kind of...

0:31:210:31:23

It's not that far off -

0:31:240:31:26

it's a Danish show called Blachman,

0:31:260:31:28

which sees naked women paraded in front of two men,

0:31:280:31:32

who appraise their bodies.

0:31:320:31:33

Let's show you a picture of that.

0:31:330:31:36

That would, of course, never be allowed on the BBC.

0:31:370:31:39

Although that was how they interviewed secretaries in the '70s.

0:31:390:31:43

LAUGHTER

0:31:430:31:44

Comments from Thomas Blachman include...

0:31:440:31:47

LAUGHTER

0:31:510:31:52

And...

0:31:520:31:53

I am popping over to audition for that.

0:31:560:31:59

-That'll

-BLEEP

-him up.

0:31:590:32:01

LAUGHTER

0:32:010:32:03

APPLAUSE

0:32:030:32:05

Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:32:050:32:09

Ian and Michael, your four are sausages in the Scottish Parliament,

0:32:090:32:14

Cherie Blair's eyes,

0:32:140:32:16

a house in Devon

0:32:160:32:17

and some double yellow lines in Swindon.

0:32:170:32:20

LAUGHTER

0:32:200:32:23

MICHAEL FABRICANT: I know about the house in Devon.

0:32:240:32:27

The owners repainted it and the local council said it is too pink.

0:32:270:32:33

So this is about something being repainted.

0:32:330:32:35

-Is there a portrait of Cherie where they repainted the eyes?

-Yes.

0:32:350:32:38

To make it look more like her?

0:32:380:32:40

Well, it is her eyes and they were the wrong colour. Yes.

0:32:400:32:43

Who is going to have a stab at the odd one out?

0:32:430:32:45

-The odd one out is the sausages.

-The sausages.

-No.

0:32:450:32:49

-The lines.

-The lines are the odd one out.

0:32:490:32:51

They have all had their colour criticised apart from the

0:32:510:32:54

yellow lines which were the right colour but in the wrong place.

0:32:540:32:57

Here they are.

0:32:570:32:58

According to the Mail...

0:32:580:33:01

They were so worried

0:33:080:33:09

people would stop taking double yellow lines seriously

0:33:090:33:12

they painted the lines over with black paint, as you can see here.

0:33:120:33:14

A sausage in the Scottish Parliament.

0:33:170:33:19

One diner complained about the sausage colour. Another said...

0:33:190:33:22

Though the most frequent complaint was,

0:33:250:33:27

"Found salad on my plate."

0:33:270:33:29

Cherie Blair's eyes in a recent portrait

0:33:310:33:33

by the artist Adam Birtwistle.

0:33:330:33:36

She pointed out her eyes were painted the wrong colour

0:33:360:33:39

and he had to repaint them before it went on display.

0:33:390:33:41

It's not a perfect likeness of Cherie.

0:33:410:33:43

She complained about the eyes?!

0:33:430:33:46

LAUGHTER

0:33:460:33:48

The artist has really captured the way she lights up a room

0:33:480:33:51

if you look at that. See?

0:33:510:33:53

LAUGHTER

0:33:530:33:54

What else was described as being the wrong colour this week?

0:33:540:33:58

Was it Robert Kilroy-Silk?

0:33:580:34:00

You are along the right lines.

0:34:000:34:03

It was the BNP's South Shields candidate

0:34:030:34:05

Lady Dorothy Macbeth Brookes.

0:34:050:34:08

Here she is. No, not that one.

0:34:080:34:10

-No, not that one. Not that one. There she is.

-Oh!

0:34:100:34:13

LAUGHTER

0:34:130:34:15

Gosh.

0:34:150:34:16

Is she 50% teak?

0:34:180:34:19

Unfortunately for Dorothy Brookes, her fake tan didn't help her

0:34:200:34:24

performance at the polls and she only came sixth,

0:34:240:34:28

despite her campaign slogan, "The future's bright..."

0:34:280:34:31

LAUGHTER

0:34:310:34:33

-OK, Paul and John.

-Yes?

-Here are yours. Police in Winchester.

0:34:330:34:37

Jamie Noakes' granny. Some tortoises in Vancouver and a pizza.

0:34:370:34:43

Um, Jamie Noakes' granny - that's a microwave, presumably,

0:34:430:34:46

we're looking at on the top of her head. Oh, dear me.

0:34:460:34:49

-Do you want a clue?

-Yeah, give us a clue. It's rather puzzling.

0:34:490:34:52

OK, the clue is Michael Fabricant could also be in this odd one out.

0:34:520:34:56

Are they all products of diseased minds,

0:34:570:35:01

hallucinatory...descent into the maelstrom?

0:35:010:35:05

They all have surprising things on top of them apart from the police in

0:35:060:35:10

Winchester, who have been criticised for donning pink flip-flops

0:35:100:35:14

whilst on patrol this week.

0:35:140:35:16

-Do you want to have a look?

-Yeah.

0:35:170:35:19

A floor tiler called Jamie has garnered

0:35:210:35:24

a lot of followers on Twitter by posing

0:35:240:35:26

a series of pictures of his nan with things balanced on her head.

0:35:260:35:30

There she is balancing a beer.

0:35:300:35:32

That's not actually one of her grandson's photos.

0:35:320:35:34

She's just on her way to Ladies' Day at Ascot.

0:35:340:35:37

And a kettle.

0:35:380:35:39

A toy car.

0:35:410:35:43

A cleaning sign.

0:35:430:35:45

Is this how the elderly are going to be forced to make a living?

0:35:450:35:49

This is my favourite - an ironing board.

0:35:490:35:51

The takeaway pizza is radioactive. It's topped with Cumbrian soil.

0:35:520:35:57

It was sent by activists to the Italian embassy in 2005

0:35:570:36:00

in protest over Italian nuclear waste sent...

0:36:000:36:03

-I knew it didn't look edible.

-Yeah. ..to the area.

0:36:030:36:06

-Your instinct was right.

-Straightaway, I was on it like a cheap suit.

0:36:060:36:10

What are the advantages to a radioactive pizza?

0:36:100:36:15

-You can see it in the dark?

-Best before date...

0:36:150:36:17

And finally, a woman in the US can barely keep up with demand

0:36:200:36:23

for her new knitted tortoise cosies. Here's an example.

0:36:230:36:27

-MICHAEL: Looks like Jaws.

-I think that is meant to be Jaws, that one.

0:36:300:36:34

OK, they all have surprising things on top of them, apart from police

0:36:360:36:40

in Winchester, who have surprising things on the soles of their feet.

0:36:400:36:43

According to one report, the police...

0:36:430:36:45

Well, we know how much the police love the sun,

0:36:490:36:52

mainly because it pays them so much for their stories.

0:36:520:36:55

Time now for the Missing Words round.

0:36:550:36:58

This week's guest publication is

0:36:580:37:00

the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

0:37:000:37:03

Hmm! I love foraging for mushrooms.

0:37:030:37:05

You have a nice walk in the forest,

0:37:050:37:07

you get to pick exciting new mushrooms you've never seen before,

0:37:070:37:10

and then back home at the end of the day

0:37:100:37:12

you get to shit out your kidneys.

0:37:120:37:14

And we start with...

0:37:150:37:17

MICHAEL FABRICANT: Parasolium Boris Johnsonismus.

0:37:210:37:25

Yeah, have you ever heard of a Chlorophyllum olivieri?

0:37:250:37:29

-Yes.

-No, you haven't.

0:37:290:37:31

This is from, of course, the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.

0:37:310:37:34

According to one reporter...

0:37:340:37:35

Blimey. I had enough trouble when Marathon changed to Snickers.

0:37:500:37:54

LAUGHTER

0:37:540:37:56

I thought your pronunciation was brilliant.

0:37:560:37:59

Thank you very much. And I don't want to go out with you.

0:37:590:38:02

LAUGHTER

0:38:020:38:04

Next. Gordon Brown...

0:38:060:38:07

Not linked.

0:38:090:38:10

LAUGHTER

0:38:120:38:14

No, the answer is...

0:38:150:38:17

I don't believe it.

0:38:200:38:21

Gordon Brown will be appearing in a charity concert with Beyonce.

0:38:210:38:25

It'll be amazing appearing on stage with that famous arse,

0:38:250:38:28

but Beyonce doesn't seem to mind.

0:38:280:38:30

Next...

0:38:300:38:32

-Success! Did you say success as well?

-No, shiitake.

0:38:340:38:37

This is the fungus Tricholoma sulphureum.

0:38:440:38:47

-Ooh, am I having fun tonight with some fungus names.

-Very impressive.

0:38:470:38:51

As in, wind the window down,

0:38:510:38:53

I think I've just picked a Tricholoma sulphureum.

0:38:530:38:56

Next.

0:38:560:38:57

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: To assist with the broadcast of fungal spores.

0:39:000:39:04

LAUGHTER

0:39:040:39:06

Absolutely. That's the best answer we have ever had on any question.

0:39:060:39:10

No, it's "Hitting a log with a hammer..."

0:39:110:39:14

-Wake up?

-Here's a tip.

0:39:180:39:20

If you find your husband walking off into the forest with a hammer,

0:39:200:39:23

saying, "I'm just going to wake up my mushrooms," I think

0:39:230:39:25

you should call the police.

0:39:250:39:27

Next.

0:39:270:39:29

-JOHN: Beryl.

-Beryl!

0:39:310:39:34

He's a poet!

0:39:350:39:37

Mess with Beryl and Meryl at your peril.

0:39:370:39:40

No, I wish it was.

0:39:400:39:43

Lastly...

0:39:470:39:49

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: Never having to say you're sorry.

0:39:500:39:52

LAUGHTER

0:39:520:39:54

Means that you will have a golden future laid out in front of you.

0:39:540:39:59

Your bare feet will glide across the carpet of good fortune

0:39:590:40:03

as the sunlight of happiness comes through the window of opportunity.

0:40:030:40:06

Yeah.

0:40:060:40:07

Eh, no.

0:40:090:40:10

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:140:40:16

That leads us to the final scores, which are...

0:40:190:40:22

Michael and Ian have three,

0:40:220:40:24

but John and Paul are the winners with five.

0:40:240:40:26

-APPLAUSE

-How did we manage that?

0:40:260:40:29

We did our best, didn't we?

0:40:290:40:31

But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.

0:40:330:40:38

JOHN COOPER CLARKE: I told them. Bungee jumping at my age...

0:40:380:40:41

LAUGHTER

0:40:410:40:42

APPLAUSE

0:40:420:40:45

And I leave you with the news that, in St Albans, UKIP

0:40:460:40:49

unveils its new diversity think tank tasked with reaching

0:40:490:40:53

out to the immigrant community.

0:40:530:40:55

LAUGHTER

0:40:560:40:58

In Hackney, a delighted traffic warden meets his annual quota

0:40:580:41:02

with one ticket.

0:41:020:41:03

LAUGHTER

0:41:050:41:06

And after leaving this studio without embarrassing himself

0:41:060:41:09

too much, Michael Fabricant goes out and lets his hair down.

0:41:090:41:13

LAUGHTER

0:41:140:41:17

Good night.

0:41:220:41:23

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:340:41:37

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS