Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 5

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Transcript


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Good evening. Following last week's disgraceful display from Ian Hislop,

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the BBC have insisted he has to have

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a vicar sitting next to him tonight...

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-At all times!

-..lest he be tempted...

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to befoul the air.

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-So

-BLEEP

-watch it!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Mel Giedroyc and in the news this week...

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history is made in St Ives as a seven-year-old becomes

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the first person in Cornwall to get a decent mobile phone signal.

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As their election battle bus arrives in Leicester, UKIP Party workers

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prepare to meet people from all ethnic backgrounds.

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And at the end of a chartered flight to Stansted,

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the pilot starts to regret letting James Corden sit in the cockpit.

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

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who, as a child in Newcastle, used to unicycle to school.

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Well, that's the North East for you.

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Somebody nicks your front wheel, what else can you do?

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Please welcome Ross Noble.

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Thank you.

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-Is that true?

-Yes.

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-They nicked your wheel?

-Yeah.

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And with Ian tonight, whilst one of The Communards continued to

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trawl the gay bars, dressing outrageously

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and playing synthpop, the other left to become a vicar,

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and they've been reunited this evening...

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Please welcome...

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Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

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Yes, UKIP.

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-That's Ken Clarke.

-Clash of the titans.

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There's that nice man with the Poundland umbrella.

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He's arriving at Transylvania to meet his latest vetted candidate.

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Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out,

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Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.

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He's got a bloody cheek calling himself "Farage"

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because that's French. He should be called "Forridge".

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-He should be forced.

-But that's the problem. Kenneth Clarke...

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The Tories were scared UKIP would take all their seats,

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so Kenneth Clown...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.

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We're looking for you to raise the tone this week!

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-I meant to say Kenneth Clarke.

-Yes.

-He described UKIP as clowns.

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-Yes, he did.

-Everyone is focused on them,

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but it may be that other things happened.

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There were some other parties.

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Apparently the Labour Party was standing in some seats.

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-I've heard of them.

-We don't know how well they've done.

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There was a very interesting candidate...

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There was a chap, a UKIP guy, I think it was in Gloucestershire,

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who helpfully volunteered this week

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that physical exercise prevents homosexuality.

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Have you run away from them?

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Well, he hasn't been in a gym in Soho for a while!

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-I'll shut up now, shall I?

-No, you're good.

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No, more about those gay bars in Soho, I think.

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That's the whole point of getting a vicar on!

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First-hand knowledge!

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You've just reminded me, I did have a very tricky encounter.

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There's a beach in Norfolk, North Norfolk, Holkham Beach,

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which is favoured by naturists.

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In a previous existence, I thought it might be quite fun to try that,

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and unfortunately bumped into my archdeacon.

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And was he arch?

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Ross, you'd be arch after that, believe me.

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The wind can whistle in from the North Sea, blow up the sa... Oh, dear.

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Who voted?

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-I...

-Not many!

-Big vote for the Apathy Party.

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Is that it? You can't all have come from London!

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ROSS: Has this turned into Question Time?

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Yes, that lady over there, in the back.

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Please explain why you live in London!

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There was talk that UKIP were going to have to buy in policies.

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Did you see this?

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They were going to buy in policies from a right-wing think-tank.

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That's brilliant, the idea of just some bloke in a pub going,

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"I've got your foreign policy there. Do you want more in the...?"

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So I'm going to start my own right-wing think-tank.

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My first one, right, gay marriage is allowed, right?

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But the honeymoon has to be you go and destroy a wind farm.

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Be careful, you're going to get in.

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Whenever he gets interviewed, if I was interviewing him, I'd go,

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(FRENCH ACCENT) "Mr Farage!

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(FRENCH ACCENT) Nigel!

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"Oh, I do like your rushes!"

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People have been voting, so let's hear from one UKIP supporter.

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-Who do you normally vote for?

-UKIP. I did last time as well, yeah.

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-Before that?

-I don't think I voted before that, to be honest.

-Really?

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-So UKIP has made you into a voter?

-Yeah, really, I suppose, yeah.

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But do you think they are a serious contender

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to become the government of this country?

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No, not in the slightest.

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How did Nigel "Forridge" hit back?

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He said the Tories were trying to smear them

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and there may be some lunatics in their party,

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but, you know, they've only just started,

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they can't spot all of them.

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They don't have the resources to find men doing that on Facebook.

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Can we have a look at that?

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This is a photo that Alex Wood, who's the candidate

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for Blackmore Vale in Somerset, put up on his own Facebook page.

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Here he is.

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They said, "That shows you are fascist."

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He said, "No, I was trying to stop someone taking a picture of me

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"cos I was about to eat the plant."

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That's absolutely right, Ian. It's a Nazi salute, isn't it?

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And he also turned and said, "What would I look like with a moustache?

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"And... Hey, no, get away. Get away."

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How did UKIP's committee chairman in Somerset, Dorothy Baker,

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react to all of this?

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Are we being paid by UKIP?

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That's not even Kent, where we come from! Did you take into account the parking scheme in Cranbrook?

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No, I just went, "Which of these people aren't full of hate? Oh, them!"

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Did you, Ian?

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Oh, lorries, parking... No, it's pretty big stuff!

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-Well, Dorothy...

-This should be renamed Have I Got Local News For You.

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It's like, "A Sainsbury's in the Loughborough area...

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"Planning consent has been given."

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We had... We had a sort of... There was a big political debate

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so there were candidates from the Tories, Labour and UKIP

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at the infant school in my parish today.

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We started having a political debate, but then it got

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subsumed into a discussion about Mr and Mrs Paris's wisteria.

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Aw!

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Was the UKIP guy going, "Wisteria, that will grow at least, oh,

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"there, there, could be there...

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"Oh, I've done it again!"

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That's right.

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Dorothy Baker said...

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You could be Dorothy Baker and talk bollocks.

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If all this wasn't enough of an indication of "Nigelle" Farage's

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lack of judgment, he was photographed with this.

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Oh, God. I can feel the circulation dropping.

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Yours or the magazine's?

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According to The Times,

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what's missing from the UKIP party on a massive scale?

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They're not getting enough publicity on the BBC.

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APPLAUSE

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Is it a humorous, comical mascot?

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-What would it be, what would they have?

-A bulldog with a pint.

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And a Romanian in a headlock.

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That's like a Churchill ad you don't want to see!

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"Are you going home?" "Oh, yes!"

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Well, apparently it's money.

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They need to find £120 billion to fund

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the pledges in their election manifesto, which include...

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..and top of the agenda...

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You can see why people vote for them!

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But you have Tory ministers literally saying,

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"I've looked at your proposals and the country cannot afford this,"

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instead of saying, "They're not going to get in, it doesn't matter."

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If they've got in, I'll feel very silly.

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That'll be the least of our problems, I think.

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What has Ed Miliband done ten times this week?

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He keeps telling people he's the leader of the Labour Party.

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-Is it avoiding a question?

-Yes, did you just look at the card, Ross?

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-You did slightly.

-Look, one, I can't see it from there. Two, I can't read.

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OK.

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He's avoided answering the question on Radio 4's The World At One

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about Labour's spending plans and he's also been out on the streets

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to do Q & A sessions while standing on a pallet.

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So let's see if he impressed voters in Crawley.

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-He wants to be Prime Minister.

-Oh, does he?

-Of Crawley?

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-No, no, Prime Minister of the country.

-Oh, Jesus!

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-She said, "Of Crawley."

-Yes, she did say Prime Minister of Crawley.

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Anyway, Crawley is lovely. I worked in a plastics factory there, once.

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-Oh, did you?

-They've got an excellent retail park in Crawley.

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They do! They have a lovely bowling alley there, excellent Nandos, and in the summer, they have

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trampolines outdoors for the kiddies!

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So you can jump up and down and see somewhere further than Crawley!

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OK, and why was Sunday declared Ed Balls day?

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Oh, he was Googling himself and then he tweeted his name

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and then everyone did a thing on...

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He'd meant to type his name into a search engine but he tweeted it by mistake.

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And to mark the day, thousands of Twitter users tweeted his name,

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and some went just that little bit further.

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That's a service update on a London Underground sign. And this one.

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There we go.

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And last but not least, this one.

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That's genuinely frightening.

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This is Thursday's local elections.

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UKIP suspended their candidate Alex Wood

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who was pictured making a Nazi salute.

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Mr Wood tried to explain away the photo saying...

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The very excuse Hermann Goering used at the Nuremberg Trials.

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Ken Clarke struck out at UKIP this week.

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..said the fat man with the red nose in the ridiculous shoes.

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-Paul and Ross, have a look at this.

-Absolutely. What is it?

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Oh, yes, it's bees.

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Bees have been affected by certain insecticides, they think.

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The bee population is very important because they pollinate

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all the flowers and without them we would all die, so they are

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going to be a bit more careful about the stuff the pump into fields.

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Tiptop. This is the news, of course,

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that bees may be saved by a pesticide ban.

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-Which pesticides in particular, do we know?

-Neonicotinoids.

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Neonicotinoids, absolutely.

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Some of them, these neonicotinoids,

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are made by the German pharmaceutical company, Bayer.

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-So who opposed the ban?

-Spiders.

-We do.

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Wasps. Wasps and bees really hate each other cos they're very similar.

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Wasps are a lot thinner, though, aren't they?

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They are thinner and they hate that

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-cos they see bees as being full of the fat of the land.

-Yes.

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-Bees are sort of Fern Britton and wasps are sort of...

-Lorraine Chase.

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Lorraine Chase, exactly.

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Yeah, but then Fern Britton lost all the weight, didn't she?

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-Now she's a wasp!

-So she's a wasp, she's gone bee to wasp.

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-I think I'm a bee, I'm definitely...

-She might go back to being a bee.

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Yeah, Oprah is bee, wasp, bee, wasp, bee, wasp, isn't she?

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-That's how the DNA is written out, yeah.

-I'm a bee. Ian, bee or wasp?

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-Wasp all the way!

-Are you?

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-Yeah, I love picnics.

-I don't see you as a wasp!

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Bee or not a bee, that is the question.

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AUDIENCE GROANS Shut your faces.

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-You can't blame them for that.

-That's true. That is true.

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-They're only being honest.

-Ian, you were absolutely right

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when you said that WE are opposing the ban.

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-Well, not us, our ministers.

-Not us five.

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Owen Paterson, he voted against.

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He's not convinced by the evidence.

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He said we need to do more tests and the other people said,

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"Well, if it IS the pesticides, then we'll have some crops,

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"but if we wait too long,

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"there won't be any crops left at all or any bees

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"and we will all die,

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"so why not take the slightly less risky option?"

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But the EU has done it, so they've banned these pesticides,

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-so it's very good news.

-Yes.

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Some British scientists think that the science just isn't proven.

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Although, to be fair,

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that was Dr Julian Little from Bayer UK's bee-killing unit.

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-And who is opposing him?

-Bees! All of them!

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-The British Beekeepers Association.

-Yes, or Winnie-the-Pooh.

-Yes.

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Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Monster have got together.

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"We've got to do something about this!" "Oh, yes."

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But the Honey Monster was Winnie-the-Pooh's dealer.

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All the fresh honey.

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"How do you like it? Runny?"

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It's Dr Geraldine Wright

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from Newcastle University's bee department.

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-And...

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Do you know her?

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When I was a kid, we were always down the bee department.

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It was like a rubbish zoo. "Can we see the tigers?"

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"Yeah, they're very small...

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.."and they can fly.

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"Dad, are these bees?" "Shut up. No, they're not."

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I'm so sorry, Ross, I did that really annoying thing of "Oh, you're from up there,

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"do you know Geraldine Wright?"

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We all live in one big house up there!

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But the thing is, I had to move down south because they used my bedroom to set up the Bee Department!

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Geraldine Wright from Newcastle University's bee department says...

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So you've got confused bees?

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-Yes!

-They're just going, "What's meant to come out my arse?

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-"is it honey? Is it Marmite?

-You ask them who the queen is, they've got no idea.

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-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-Thank you very much!

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-I didn't get that!

-The queen bee.

-Oh, the queen bee! Sorry, sorry, Ian!

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-Sorry!

-Not the actual, like, the Queen.

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Did you think our monarch is sitting there on ceremonial occasions

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and in that big carriage she's just dribbling honey out of her?

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Oh, dear!

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Oh, god! No wonder Prince Philip's got that look on his face!

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Who else should take the blame for bee deaths?

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It's not just human beings.

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-Themselves. They bring it on themselves.

-Suicidal?

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It's very hard to hang yourself if you've got the ability to fly.

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They have to shoot down and go, "Ugh!"

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"No!"

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There's also the varroa mite, which is to blame for bee deaths.

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Do you want to have a look at the varroa mite?

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Look at that, bastard.

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-Shall we have a quick bee quiz?

-Yes, please.

-Right, brilliant!

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-I thought you'd never ask!

-Fingers on BUZZERS!

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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This is all based on a Daily Mail interview with Dave Goulson.

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You know Dave, he introduced the shorthaired bumblebee to Kent.

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-Of course he did!

-Kent, the shorthaired bumblebee.

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Shorthaired bumblebee, this is Kent.

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Surrey is over there, I'll introduce you later.

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Who does Dave Goulson blame

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for the bumblebee's 20th-century extinction from Britain?

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BUZZER

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-Kirk Douglas.

-No, Adolf Hitler.

-Adolf Hitler?

-Adolf Hitler,

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because the Dig For Victory campaign in World War II

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caused hedges to be dug up and wild flowers destroyed for crop planting.

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-Right, fingers on buzzers.

-BUZZER

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That's fingers on buzzers!

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Is the next question, what noise does a bee make?

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-BUZZER

-Good, excellent.

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-How does a bee pronounce the name Kirk Douglas?

-BUZZER

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Why do bumblebees' feet smell?

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-BELL

-Richard?

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-I've no idea.

-No idea?

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-Ross?

-You can be agnostic about bees.

-I'm Church of England!

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-Oh, sorry.

-He who would valiant BEE.

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GROANING Shut your faces!

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I'll come over there...

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He'll come over there

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and tell you another joke if you don't behave yourselves.

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-Why do bumblebees' feet smell?

-I don't know.

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OK, in order to tell other bees that a flower may not have nectar.

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The bumblebee drinks the nectar, pollinates the flower

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and its feet leave a smell on the petals. Yes, absolutely true.

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-Lovely.

-Why is mating hazardous for the male honeybee? On buzzers.

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-BUZZER

-Good. Ross?

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They shouldn't do it on buzzers.

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They should be on a sort of twig or a bit of leaf somewhere.

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Well, according to Dave Goulson...

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There is no upside to that, is there?

0:18:490:18:53

Right, would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bee?

0:18:530:18:58

Is this a bee quiz or a Dave Goulson quiz?

0:18:580:19:01

-Come on, we're still in the quiz.

-We've certainly hit the big issues tonight!

0:19:010:19:05

UKIP and Dave Goulson!

0:19:050:19:07

-I can give you the question again.

-Yes, please.

0:19:070:19:09

-Would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bees?

-Yes, I would.

0:19:090:19:13

-Is that the correct answer?

-Yes. Good. But you didn't buzz!

0:19:130:19:17

-BUZZER

-Good.

0:19:170:19:18

-Yes, I would.

-Excellent.

-This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.

0:19:180:19:22

-Goulson said, this is Dave Goulson.

-Go on, Dave!

-Come on, Dave!

0:19:220:19:25

-Speak it as it is!

-He said:

0:19:250:19:27

But worse than that, his mum was still wearing the stockings at the time!

0:19:480:19:51

Now, what have bee experts discovered in Colombia?

0:19:510:19:54

-A massive bee, a huge bee.

-It's actually the world's tiniest wasp.

0:19:540:19:59

-There it is.

-He's got a big hand for tiny wasp!

0:19:590:20:02

-It's called T nana.

-Where is it?

-It's so tiny you can't see it, Ian.

0:20:040:20:09

How do they know it's been discovered?

0:20:090:20:11

It's not just a man with an empty hand, saying,

0:20:110:20:13

"Here we are, going to name it after me."

0:20:130:20:15

And today's tiny wasp fact is, if you laid 60 of these T nanas end to end

0:20:150:20:20

they would equal the length of one ordinary wasp.

0:20:200:20:23

-Shall we talk about horses?

-Yes!

0:20:230:20:26

Apparently, scientists have been saying that they are lazy.

0:20:260:20:29

So what was the experiment that they conducted that concluded that these horses were blooming lazy?

0:20:290:20:33

Oh, did they put a jockey with them and they tried to climb on the jockey's back?

0:20:330:20:39

"Go on, you do it this time!"

0:20:390:20:41

No, they were offered the choice of two pathways,

0:20:410:20:44

one to a track where they trotted for two laps, and one for one lap.

0:20:440:20:48

Most of the horses who expressed a preference chose the single lap.

0:20:480:20:52

-What's the problem with this research?

-It's all made up.

0:20:520:20:55

Well...

0:20:550:20:58

As one commentator on a peer review website put it:

0:20:580:21:00

In order to control the transportation of horses, horse passports have been introduced.

0:21:110:21:15

Of course the photo in a horse's passport has to be glued in,

0:21:150:21:19

ironically using some of its pals.

0:21:190:21:21

Well, in other dying-animals news,

0:21:230:21:25

what is Brian May's latest attempt to stop the badger cull?

0:21:250:21:30

-BELL

-He's adopted badgers?

-No.

0:21:300:21:32

He's married one?

0:21:320:21:34

-He's made a song about it. Do you want to have a...?

-Yes.

0:21:340:21:38

# Oh, no, a cull!

0:21:380:21:42

# Badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger, badger

0:21:420:21:46

# Save the badgers

0:21:460:21:48

# Badger, badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger

0:21:480:21:52

# Save the badgers

0:21:520:21:55

# Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger... #

0:21:550:21:58

And what you can't see is Ben Elton is in the audience, going,

0:21:580:22:01

"It's going to make a great musical."

0:22:010:22:04

This is the good news for bees in the form of an EU ban on pesticides.

0:22:060:22:10

According to one top beekeeper...

0:22:100:22:12

..and roughly two million Nectar points

0:22:150:22:17

to get a free pot off Sainsbury's.

0:22:170:22:20

APPLAUSE

0:22:200:22:24

And so to round two and it's welcome to the pithivier of news.

0:22:240:22:28

Here's the first spin.

0:22:280:22:30

-BUZZER

-The earth, all of the pollution of the earth

0:22:330:22:36

is spreading out into the solar system.

0:22:360:22:39

-You're in the right...

-In the right solar system.

-In the right territory.

0:22:390:22:42

Is it a thing, is it a thing to turn...

0:22:420:22:46

Yes, that's it(!) It's a thing that turns!

0:22:460:22:48

It's a thing that turns! I wondered what that wheel was.

0:22:480:22:51

This is the news that 1,900 million years ago planet Earth smelled like rotten eggs.

0:22:510:22:56

According to Professor Brazier, the process:

0:22:560:22:58

-What?

-Were you making a fart noise?

-No, I was moving.

0:23:020:23:06

Moving in my chair. What do you think, I can just fart on command?

0:23:080:23:12

It's a chat up line where he's from!

0:23:120:23:14

"Ah, Monsieur Petomane!" FAKES FART SOUND

0:23:140:23:17

Now, on the subject of smells, what is special about this shirt?

0:23:170:23:21

it sort of cleans itself, it never stinks, the bacteria sort of,

0:23:210:23:26

because it's not sweat that smells, it's the bacteria drawn to the sweat,

0:23:260:23:30

the bacteria can't survive in the shirt so it will never need washing.

0:23:300:23:34

You are amazing. Yes, it is a new shirt which its makers

0:23:340:23:37

claim can be worn for 100 days straight without getting stinky,

0:23:370:23:40

100 days straight, then 100 days gay, then it's up to you.

0:23:400:23:43

According to the Telegraph, the company claims to have invented:

0:23:430:23:47

Or as its known by students, a shirt.

0:23:490:23:51

Here we go, another spin on the pithivier of news.

0:23:530:23:57

-BUZZER

-There we go, right.

0:24:010:24:03

This is the President of the United States.

0:24:030:24:06

Every year they have the Washington Correspondents' Dinner

0:24:060:24:08

and in the last few years, the President will make a speech

0:24:080:24:11

where he is allowed to sort of make funny remarks and make jokes.

0:24:110:24:14

They used to have comedians come on and address them...

0:24:140:24:17

But when George W Bush was President, they didn't need a comedian.

0:24:170:24:20

-Ohhh! Cutting!

-He opened his library, did you see?

0:24:200:24:24

-That was this week. George W Bush...

-All those colouring books!

0:24:240:24:28

I was on tour with The Style Council once and Steve White, the drummer,

0:24:300:24:34

lovely chap, he was staying in this posh hotel in Scotland

0:24:340:24:36

and it was an old castle and we walked into the library,

0:24:360:24:39

which was full of books and Steve White said,

0:24:390:24:41

"Blimey, what a lot of videos!"

0:24:410:24:43

This is the news that Barack Obama

0:24:460:24:47

sported a new look to host this year's White House...

0:24:470:24:50

-This is his wife's hairstyle, isn't it?

-Absolutely.

0:24:500:24:52

Here they are, side by side.

0:24:520:24:55

Have you ever wondered what other famous men

0:24:560:24:59

-would look like with their wives' hair?

-Yes, I have.

-Good.

0:24:590:25:03

-John Prescott and Pauline Prescott.

-Yes!

0:25:030:25:05

Thanks to the Express, you're in luck.

0:25:050:25:08

There we go, brilliant.

0:25:080:25:11

That's really weird cos Prescott actually looks like my mum!

0:25:110:25:15

-Do you want to see another one?

-Looks like Planet Of The Apes.

0:25:170:25:20

Strange! Here's David Cameron with Samantha's hair.

0:25:200:25:23

Here's Richard and Judy.

0:25:260:25:29

And look, here's Prince Philip and the Queen.

0:25:310:25:34

-He looks like George III.

-Yes!

-It's a brilliant look!

0:25:380:25:42

Fantastic! David Furnish has also been seen with Elton John's hair,

0:25:420:25:46

but that was due to a sudden gust of wind.

0:25:460:25:49

Would you like to see a caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump?

0:25:490:25:53

This is brilliant, it's the larva of the flannel moth,

0:25:550:25:57

-which does look absolutely the same as Donald Trump's hair.

-Fantastic.

0:25:570:26:03

-I feel it's time for another spin of the pithivier of news.

-Absolutely.

0:26:030:26:08

-BUZZER

-This is Reginald who was on last week.

0:26:110:26:15

He got booked to appear at the Professional Football Association's

0:26:150:26:19

annual dinner and they weren't entirely happy with what he did.

0:26:190:26:23

Yes, totally right. The PFA chairman Clarke Carlisle,

0:26:230:26:26

was shocked at Hunter's frequent use of the N-word,

0:26:260:26:29

but admitted the PFA had made the booking

0:26:290:26:31

and should take responsibility, adding...

0:26:310:26:34

Steady on, this isn't Alabama.

0:26:350:26:36

And what do the PFA want to do now?

0:26:390:26:41

-They want him to give the money back, don't they?

-Do they?

-Yeah.

0:26:410:26:45

Let's look at it this way.

0:26:450:26:47

He is being talked about now and Reg is on tour at the moment,

0:26:470:26:50

so win-win.

0:26:500:26:51

Give the cash back, take the publicity, thanks very much. Bosh!

0:26:510:26:56

I don't think he's German.

0:26:580:27:00

A PA chief executive, Bobby Barnes, told the Mirror that they wanted to get their money back.

0:27:000:27:05

Bobby Barnes?

0:27:050:27:06

-It sounds like...

-Could he be any more stereotypically of football?

0:27:060:27:10

"Here's Bobby Barnes now, here he is, the plucky young defender."

0:27:100:27:13

Bobby Barnes said:

0:27:130:27:15

So once again, the black man has to work for free.

0:27:170:27:20

GROANS

0:27:210:27:23

We're edgy tonight! It's edgy!

0:27:230:27:26

Sort of hoping that quite a few of these don't make it...

0:27:260:27:31

And how did Reg respond to this furore?

0:27:320:27:36

-He Facebooked someone.

-Facebook.

-Facebook?

-Absolutely right, Richard.

0:27:360:27:40

-How quaint(!)

-He released a series of photos

0:27:400:27:44

with his own added captions and here's one of them.

0:27:440:27:47

This is the PFA awards dinner

0:28:090:28:11

and the wholly unsuitable booking of Reginald D Hunter.

0:28:110:28:14

During Reg's performance, lots of black footballers were shocked.

0:28:140:28:17

They hadn't heard the N-word used so much

0:28:170:28:19

since they last played Liverpool.

0:28:190:28:21

As Reg left the stage,

0:28:210:28:23

everyone at the awards wondered who could possibly have made such

0:28:230:28:25

a terrible selection and all the fingers pointed to Roy Hodgson.

0:28:250:28:29

And a final spin.

0:28:300:28:32

This is a better search engine than Google's.

0:28:380:28:40

At least it finds tax.

0:28:400:28:43

But, I mean, Google made something like, I think

0:28:460:28:48

it was £18 billion in the UK and paid £16 million tax.

0:28:480:28:54

-16 million?

-Million. So that's a tax rate of about a thousandth.

-Yes.

0:28:540:29:00

Mind you, they might have been on the helpline to HMRC all that time.

0:29:000:29:03

Maybe they just clicked on "Feeling lucky".

0:29:030:29:06

-Was that a Communards song? No?

-Will be now!

0:29:090:29:11

Is the Communards really high up on your CV? It must be.

0:29:130:29:15

-Remember the demographic of the people...

-It's the Communards!

0:29:150:29:18

The demographic of the people, it wasn't in my present parish, but when I turned up in one parish,

0:29:180:29:23

people's heads would appear over the fence, looking over.

0:29:230:29:26

In the end I came out and said hello and they said, "Are you the new curate?"

0:29:260:29:30

And I said, "Yes," and they said, "We thought you were black."

0:29:300:29:33

And I said, "What do you mean?" And they said, "Weren't you in the Commodores?"

0:29:330:29:37

Their executives appeared before the Parliamentary Accounts Committee

0:29:400:29:44

and they said, "Why haven't you paid any tax?"

0:29:440:29:46

They said, "All our business, it's all in Ireland,

0:29:460:29:49

"we don't have to pay any."

0:29:490:29:51

And then it turned out that this isn't technically what we call true

0:29:510:29:54

and Google's motto is, "Don't do evil"

0:29:540:29:58

and it's got to be, "Pay some tax, you bastards."

0:29:580:30:02

Render unto Caesar those things that are Caesar's

0:30:030:30:07

apart from the stuff you've stashed away on the Cayman Islands.

0:30:070:30:11

Last time Google were in Parliament,

0:30:120:30:14

they said they sell no advertising space in the UK,

0:30:140:30:16

claiming it all goes through their Dublin office, as you said.

0:30:160:30:19

But Reuters looked at the CVs

0:30:190:30:21

of 150 London-based Google employees,

0:30:210:30:23

all of whom said they were...

0:30:230:30:25

Mind you, everyone says that, don't they, whatever they do?

0:30:310:30:34

You find that on every CV you ever see.

0:30:340:30:36

We advertised for a new grave-digger and we got all that.

0:30:360:30:39

-"I am fully grave compliant."

-Yes.

-"Will only work indoors."

0:30:400:30:45

Anyone know why members of Parkham Women's Institute

0:30:450:30:48

should learn to Google a little bit more carefully?

0:30:480:30:51

Have they got very fat fingers? They can't type.

0:30:510:30:55

-They had a special visitor.

-From Google?

0:30:550:30:57

No, they were given a talk on piracy by Captain Colin Darch,

0:30:570:31:01

who you will remember had a very frightening,

0:31:010:31:03

dramatic experience when he was captured by Somali pirates in 2008,

0:31:030:31:07

something members of Parkham Women's Institute

0:31:070:31:10

clearly didn't Google as they chose to dress like this.

0:31:100:31:13

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Richard, your four are:

0:31:210:31:25

The sample of pitch used in the pitch drop experiment,

0:31:250:31:27

the world's biggest jigsaw,

0:31:270:31:29

the Pontfadog Oak and Icarus.

0:31:290:31:32

Well, I think this is to do with falling to the ground.

0:31:320:31:34

-Yes, it is, isn't it?

-Icarus fell to the ground.

0:31:340:31:38

The Pontfadog Oak, for want of a few thousand quid after 800 years,

0:31:380:31:43

fell to the ground.

0:31:430:31:45

I think this jigsaw, he was trying to put a piece in it and it just fell down, the whole jigsaw.

0:31:450:31:50

Oh, and the pitch thing is an experiment,

0:31:500:31:52

which has been going on for something ridiculous

0:31:520:31:54

-like 80 years waiting for a drop.

-And it hasn't fallen down at all.

0:31:540:31:57

-So the odd one out is the pitch.

-You're absolutely right.

0:31:570:32:01

Yes, they've all fallen down apart from

0:32:010:32:03

the ninth drop of pitch in the pitch drop experiment,

0:32:030:32:06

that may fall at any moment, apparently.

0:32:060:32:09

On a positive note, the oak been declared fit for work by Atos,

0:32:090:32:12

-so we hope to see it back up soon.

-As has Icarus.

0:32:120:32:14

-Shall we go to the live feed?

-Yes, please.

0:32:140:32:17

Here's the live webcam, this is it, real-time.

0:32:170:32:20

It's a bit dull, isn't it?

0:32:200:32:22

-How long has this been? When was this started?

-In 1927.

0:32:220:32:26

And it's been on the internet all that time? That's amazing!

0:32:260:32:28

-It drops very slowly and there's about to be another one.

-Exactly.

0:32:280:32:32

Anyone know any reasons why the scientists have missed the drops?

0:32:320:32:35

It happened at night, when nobody was there watching it.

0:32:350:32:39

Did they happen during the war when there was something else to do?

0:32:390:32:42

John Mainstone told Radio 4's Today programme that in 2000

0:32:420:32:45

he was out of town when he received an email to say, "It's dropped!"

0:32:450:32:49

John replied to say...

0:32:490:32:50

The reply came back...

0:32:530:32:55

And in 1988, when another drop fell, he missed it again because he...

0:32:570:33:01

John is not going to make that mistake again, though.

0:33:040:33:08

Look at him here.

0:33:080:33:09

Icarus famously fell from the sky after his wings melted.

0:33:120:33:16

Icarus ignored instructions not to get to close to the sun

0:33:160:33:19

and joined the Metropolitan Police Force.

0:33:190:33:21

-And what modern Greek institution is slightly unfortunately named after young Icarus?

-Was it the Euro?

0:33:230:33:28

No.

0:33:280:33:30

It's to do with planes.

0:33:330:33:35

The man behind the shortest aviation career in history, Icarus, has given his name to...

0:33:350:33:39

And you mentioned the world's biggest handmade jigsaw.

0:33:420:33:44

Yes, a record-breaking jigsaw

0:33:440:33:46

commemorating the Queen's Jubilee was completed this week.

0:33:460:33:49

It was hand-cut by 63-year-old Dave Evans from Weymouth,

0:33:490:33:52

who spent 200 hours cutting the jigsaw before putting it together.

0:33:520:33:56

Here it is on display.

0:33:560:33:58

-WOMAN:

-Absolute disaster.

0:34:140:34:17

But what a great bit of commentary.

0:34:180:34:21

Who knew that you could have a jigsaw commentator?

0:34:210:34:24

"What an absolute disaster.

0:34:240:34:27

"Oh, that is going to be

0:34:270:34:29

"one of the worst results in competitive jigsawing."

0:34:290:34:32

Paul and Ross, here are yours.

0:34:340:34:36

The female giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, Cristiano Ronaldo's

0:34:360:34:40

supposed lover, the daughter of Kyrano from Thunderbirds and this!

0:34:400:34:44

# I got you under my skin when the rain came in

0:34:440:34:49

# But as the sweat pours out...#

0:34:490:34:51

The character from Thunderbirds, I think

0:34:510:34:54

that character is called Tin-Tin.

0:34:540:34:56

-Usually pandas have the same name twice.

-Is she BumBum then?

0:34:560:35:01

-Tin-Tin, BumBum...

-She is probably called something like Lu-lu or Li-Li or La-la or Bub-bub.

0:35:010:35:06

-She is called Tian-Tian.

-Tian-tian, BumBum, Tin-Tin

0:35:060:35:11

There will be people from Asia ringing and going,

0:35:110:35:13

"This is the most offensive show I have ever seen!"

0:35:130:35:16

BumBum is the odd one out because it is not a real name.

0:35:160:35:19

You're absolutely right.

0:35:190:35:20

-But can you give me that band?

-T'pau? T'pau T'pau!

-Yes.

0:35:200:35:26

-So good they named it once. We don't know.

-Definite article repeated.

0:35:260:35:32

-The The!

-The The! Absolutely, it is The The. Good. So who is the odd one out?

0:35:320:35:37

BumBum is the odd one out because that is her nickname

0:35:370:35:39

and everyone else's real name is a repetition of their first name.

0:35:390:35:42

Bingo

0:35:420:35:44

Bingo bingo.

0:35:440:35:45

They have a repetitive name, apart from Cristiano Ronaldo's supposed lover, who is a model

0:35:450:35:50

-and she is only...

-Why is she supposed? Do we not know?

0:35:500:35:54

-Do we not care?

-It was very dark, no one could confirm anything.

0:35:540:35:59

It is his supposed lover, apparently.

0:35:590:36:02

Supposed lover, apparently? this is getting worse.

0:36:020:36:06

Have you not got any lawyers on this programme?

0:36:060:36:09

Sounds like one of your 80s songs. # Supposed lover!

0:36:090:36:13

# There's a possibility of romance!

0:36:130:36:17

-# Or a lawyer!

-# It's not been confirmed! #

0:36:170:36:22

Bit of Bob Dylan coming in there.

0:36:220:36:25

(DOES BOB DYLAN IMPERSONATION) # Haven't confirmed the lady! #

0:36:250:36:30

Now I'm trapped in this voice and I'm going to have to do

0:36:300:36:35

The rest of the show like this Carry on.

0:36:350:36:38

She is a model and she is only known as Miss BumBum.

0:36:380:36:41

Her real name was is Andressa, so Ronaldo was only following orders.

0:36:410:36:46

Now, why is the fact that she is known as Miss BumBum a massive scandal?

0:36:460:36:52

Oh, is it a tribute to Basil Brush?

0:36:520:36:54

-He was big in the 70s, that will be on the news next week!

-No, not Basil!

0:36:570:37:04

Sooty, he's been quiet! Just saying, imagine that in court.

0:37:060:37:11

"What's that? What's that, Sooty? You did not!"

0:37:110:37:15

I would just like to state that neither Basil Brush nor Sooty

0:37:150:37:19

-he have been involved in any sexual misbehaviour.

-That's not what I've heard!

0:37:190:37:25

In the series Thunderbirds, Tin-Tin Kyrano spent most of her time on Tracey Island,

0:37:270:37:31

a fictional landmass in a secret location somewhere in international waters.

0:37:310:37:35

It is now where Jimmy Carr keeps his money.

0:37:350:37:37

The The had most to success in the 80s. According to the sleeve notes on the CD:

0:37:390:37:42

They didn't ask him to, but you have seen Later. It is hard to stop him.

0:37:460:37:49

Time now for the Missing Words round.

0:37:530:37:56

This week's guest publication is SICKinsight.

0:37:560:37:59

This is the magazine of SICK,

0:37:590:38:01

the German electrical engineering company.

0:38:010:38:04

The company was founded by Erwin Sick, who died in 1988

0:38:040:38:07

and I'd like to think, in tribute to Spike Milligan,

0:38:070:38:10

his headstone reads, "I told you I was Sick."

0:38:100:38:12

And we start with...

0:38:120:38:14

A lonely goat herd?

0:38:200:38:22

Ruthless efficiency?

0:38:240:38:25

The answer is:

0:38:270:38:28

According to the magazine, their latest screw-driving solution...

0:38:300:38:34

That's from their special correspondent, Ooh Er Missus.

0:38:360:38:40

Next up.

0:38:400:38:41

Naturist Archdeacon.

0:38:450:38:47

(ROSS) It's a fish.

0:38:500:38:52

It is a type of fish. Frankenfish. Next.

0:38:520:38:55

Is this like a country music thing?

0:38:570:38:59

Git award and then go to the after party.

0:38:590:39:02

Git awarded compensation if you've been injured at work.

0:39:040:39:07

The answer is GIT Award goes to the S300 Mini.

0:39:090:39:14

This is from SICKinsight.

0:39:140:39:15

According to winning product manager, Torsten Rapp...

0:39:150:39:19

And that's how you win a GIT Award.

0:39:240:39:27

Typical British, laughing at a successful German company.

0:39:270:39:31

God, I bet they sell all that stuff and create jobs.

0:39:310:39:36

And finally...

0:39:360:39:37

RICHARD: Offered by Amazon

0:39:400:39:41

in settlement of its 2012 corporation tax...

0:39:410:39:44

-ROSS: This is burned my willy.

-Absolutely right.

0:39:460:39:49

-Not me, but...

-Ross, you're absolutely right.

0:39:500:39:53

The answer was burned my privates.

0:39:530:39:56

This is Raymond Cuss, whose genitals were burned

0:39:560:39:58

when he used a shower gel bought at his local 99p Store.

0:39:580:40:01

After being awarded £1,000 compensation by the shop,

0:40:010:40:04

Raymond said...

0:40:040:40:05

So, the final scores tonight are

0:40:110:40:13

Richard and Ian with five points,

0:40:130:40:16

Ross and Paul with nine.

0:40:160:40:17

-Nine.

-Nine!

0:40:170:40:19

Embarrassing, it's just embarrassing, that score.

0:40:190:40:22

Before we go there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:280:40:32

(RICHARD) What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

0:40:340:40:36

Bowl of porridge mutates into member of Royal Family.

0:40:390:40:42

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and the Reverend Richard Coles,

0:40:440:40:47

Paul Merton and Ross Noble.

0:40:470:40:49

And I leave you with news

0:40:490:40:51

that at a function in Buckingham Palace,

0:40:510:40:53

Prince Philip prepares to meet the visiting delegation

0:40:530:40:56

from the United Arab Emirates.

0:40:560:40:57

In Rome, a new victim experiences the after-effects

0:41:010:41:03

of the Vatican canteen's vegetable curry.

0:41:030:41:06

And after the prolonged period of cold weather,

0:41:120:41:14

there is evidence that the delayed spring sunshine

0:41:140:41:16

may finally have reached as far as Newcastle.

0:41:160:41:18

Good night.

0:41:260:41:28

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