Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Richard Osman. In the news this week,

the BBC is forced to apologise after cutting to the wrong camera

during an interview with Nigel Farage.

With yet another story about his love life

set to hit a Sunday newspaper,

the victim takes direct action to try and stop the presses.

And evidence emerges that the Australian Air Force

are developing their own stealth bomber.

On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter who says,

"History is the most exciting thing

"that has ever happened to anyone on this planet."

Clearly he never saw Todd Carty and Bonnie Langford

win the Christmas edition of Celebrity Pointless.

Please welcome Dan Snow.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a left-wing comedian

who has been described by one critic as "so honest,

"when he talks it's like he's going to start a war at any time."

Well, he's good, but he's no Tony Blair.

Please welcome Mark Steel.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Dan, take a look at this.

Ah, this is goodbye. Chloe Smith.

Diane Abbott. Yes, goodbye to you, too.

Goodbye. He is one of the other ones.

Don't know who he is.

No, even he doesn't know who he is.

This is reshuffles. Yes. All the big political parties have decided

it's time to reshuffle their teams.

And it's extraordinary. The change is unbelievable.

Within a day, no-one's noticed.

As a swing voter, it's completely convinced me. Has it? Yes.

I'm definitely voting for one of them now.

What all the parties have done is bring in women,

which is one of those moves that even the Beeb will do.

Erm...

At some point.

APPLAUSE

I'm quite willing to have the operation,

if it helps the programme.

Anyway, what do you want to know?

Three people who used to work for breakfast television

have been promoted.

Who are the three daytime TV hosts who were promoted?

This is like your Pointless programme!

It is a little bit.

A little bit. Except I am allowed to say "fuck", that's the difference.

For the benefit of those of us who have jobs

and don't watch daytime television...

I haven't been a student for so long,

I've forgotten who is on daytime television. It's him.

You know what, how dare you?

5.30 isn't daytime, it's early evening.

Shoulder peak. Access prime.

Exactly. That's what they call it.

Yeah, it's daytime.

Tell us the names of these three ladies.

Esther McVey. Esther McVey.

Anna Soubry. She's a Tory.

Anna Soubry, she's another Tory,

and the other one, Gloria... Gloria de Piero, who is Labour.

Let's look at Esther McVey. What's her new job?

She's gone to Work and Pensions.

Yes, according to The Mail, she's been asked to play the role of:

Sorry to plant that image in your mind.

And Ed Miliband promoted Gloria de Piero,

and do you know an interesting fact about her?

She's gone to become Shadow Equalities Minister.

That is the interesting fact, well done. I thought you'd like it.

No, there's another one.

She was voted one of the 100 most beautiful women in the world.

Really? Right. By FHM magazine, yeah.

She was 85th. She beat Kylie.

Oh, right. That's all right.

Yeah? You don't know...

I know it sounds like an old man thing to say,

but you don't really know who they are any more, do you?

They're all sort of... What, people?

DAN: Do you find policemen are very young these days as well?

It sounds so miserable, doesn't it? I know.

I think buildings are getting older.

I didn't realise this - Ian Paisley, he's 86 now.

I had no idea he was that old. He must walk into rooms now and go,

ROARS: "What did I come in here for?!"

But it's not all about GMTV presenters being promoted.

Another person has been promoted by Ed Miliband,

and that is the Right Hon Tristram Hunt MP.

A TV historian. He is my competition.

TV historian, yeah. He's not any more, is he? No, he's not.

I saw him off. He's become a politician. That's true.

It's better to be a historian than a politician. Much better.

We get to write about them and decide if they're good or not. Exactly.

I must say, I loved your history of the railways.

I thought it was terrific.

Ian, you did a history of the railways as well, didn't you?

I did a programme about Dr Beeching's cuts, yeah.

It was prime access.

5:30 in the Countdown slot.

Quite hard to make trains interesting, isn't it?

I thought you did it very well.

I'll tell you who else did it very well.

Portillo. Yeah. He is charismatic.

Yeah, he was good. And Paul, I like it when

you go to India, on the trains and stuff like that.

I don't know why other people bother doing it when you can't do it right.

The average life expectancy of a minister

is one year and three months.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Come on. Come on, Mr History. No, that's what I read the other day.

Do you mean the average job expectancy?

Well, life expectancy in a job, yes.

They're not going to...

Now, there was another man who was promoted in the reshuffle.

His name was Alistair Carmichael.

He is now the Minister of State for Scotland.

I would remember his name, anyone who watches Pointless.

Honestly, give it 18 months, and he is going to be an answer.

The first in the queue to shake his hand was Nick Clegg.

Shall we take a little look?

LAUGHTER

It went on for seven years.

Well, it looked like it, yes.

Speaking of seven years, during the Seven Years War,

it was said that King Louis XV's ministers used to change

"like the scenery at the opera."

So often. Really? Yeah.

Why didn't you say that, Paul?

Because it was boring.

It wasn't all people being promoted, though.

There were a few demotions as well.

You showed Diane Abbott, didn't you? Ed Miliband sacked her.

And she's not even related to him!

She wanted his job originally.

She wanted to be in charge of the Labour Party. God knows why.

Are you mourning her loss?

Yeah, well, she was never on message,

and in the new political parties, you're meant to toe the line.

So she's been sacked.

So she'll be back to helping Portillo. I love it.

He is so good on trains. Mind you,

anyone can make trains interesting, can't they?

Most people can make that job funny as well.

APPLAUSE

Now, who reshuffled themselves this week?

An extremist, are you looking for, Richard?

I am looking for an extremist. But that's after the show.

Tommy Robinson.

Oh, the English Defence League.

Tommy Robinson. Tommy Robinson, absolutely right.

What did he do this week? He resigned from the EDL.

He found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them were racist.

Didn't understand that bit. "I don't know what's going on."

"I mean, we used to march into Muslim areas and that,

"and go, 'Muslims out' and 'We hate Muslims'

"and 'We hate Pakis' and that,

"and it turns out some of them were anti-Islam. So...

"I went off them."

And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?

Does he work at the United Nations? Peacekeeper.

Does he see sick children with Roger Moore and Lulu?

He also used to run a tanning shop. Exactly right.

What, changing the colour of people's skin?!

APPLAUSE

So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."

Half an hour later, "You can get out!"

Finally, what can fans of Michael Gove now buy

to remind them of their hero?

Ooh.

Is there a doll? A voodoo doll!

Do you know what? You're not a million miles off.

Let's take a little look.

Yes, you can buy this.

Doesn't it have to bear some resemblance to the person

for it to be a voodoo doll? I'll be honest, it looks more like me.

That's why I've been getting those headaches.

Yes, this is the day of reshuffles.

According to the Daily Telegraph:

I'm guessing that wasn't half each.

Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said:

Yes, it's always the tiny minority

that makes marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.

Paul and Mark, take a look at this.

This is clearly somebody trying to post letters there,

there's the dog helping him out.

That dog might be replacing the postmen

in the new privatised service.

And then postmen, in an act of revenge, will bite dogs.

The Royal Mail is being sold off, isn't it, Mark?

Now, even Thatcher said we will not privatise the Royal Mail.

But this lot have decided to do it, and you have to conclude

they really genuinely would sell their granny, these people.

They would go, "Granny, come on, you are of no use to society,

"you are too expensive, we're having to drive you round

"to your mates' funerals and stuff like that."

Take her down the tanning shop and get her deported. Exactly.

Can I guess you haven't applied for shares?

I have, but...

It's just, it's horrible.

It's everything about this government rolled up into one story.

It is as if the country is being run by Ryanair now.

You pay for your little thing and that's it, nothing else.

"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.

"I'm not paying for the fire service. I'm not on fire."

"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.

"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."

APPLAUSE

It was hugely oversubscribed, though, that's the key.

About seven times as many people trying to get the shares

as there are shares.

All this idea that it is going to be a capitalism

that reaches out to the poor,

and the bank that is organising this,

that is going to make a huge amount of money, is Goldman Sachs.

And you think, "Oh, it's about time they had a break, isn't it?"

Labour say the Post Office is being sold off on the cheap.

Well, because it's so massively oversubscribed.

The logic is clearly, "We've got to sell off the Post Office."

And then the market says, "Actually, everybody wants a piece.

"It is obviously really valuable."

Which raises the question, why are we selling it off, then?

If it's a state asset, why can't we keep it?

And the answer is, they don't know.

The only bit they're not selling, as Mark will tell you,

is the massive pension deficit. Which you're paying.

It's when they say, "We have to sell it off to get investment."

But it's been going 350-something years.

So presumably, it's got investment from the government before.

How did they get all the red vans?

Did they win them on Bullseye or something?

They think it's going to be like the '80s again, with "tell Sid"

and everyone buys these shares, but what happened then is

people bought the shares and then sold them again shortly afterwards.

According to The Times,

this might not be the last privatisation we see as well.

What else are they suggesting might be privatised? The Queen.

They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it?

I'd like a piece of her.

I've heard the rumours.

What else have they got left to sell off?

I think the next one will be lamp posts.

They'll sell off lamp posts

and you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.

And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one

and you put another one in.

Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down, you know that?

You know Royal Mail owns a brilliant miniature electric railway.

Absolutely, yeah. It goes from Paddington to Whitechapel.

And it used to take the mail right across London.

It hasn't been used for about eight or ten years.

That'd be brilliant, to use that.

They're thinking about using it for shops on Oxford Street.

They could have their own little spouts

and put the goods up and down it and it whizzes around.

Mark, you were saying earlier

that Margaret Thatcher always refused to sell off the Royal Mail.

What reason did she give?

Oh, something about the Queen's head, wasn't it? Yes, she said:

It was Denis's favourite pub, I think.

What else did we find out about Margaret Thatcher this week?

She swore quite a lot.

I bet she didn't describe people as "that bigoted woman", though,

did she, when the radio mic was left on? Probably not.

She probably didn't say, "We've just won the World Cup," either.

There's lots of things she didn't say.

Can't go through them all now. Oh, go on. Just a couple more.

A couple more? "That's not my kitten."

"I'm sorry, officer, I had no idea it was hydrochloric acid."

Those are the three things she never said.

I tell you what, I bet she used to have a ride

on that little Royal Mail train, though. Exactly.

Screaming like a banshee.

"I'm not for turning," she'd say, when she was on it.

When it got to Whitechapel, she'd have to walk back.

No, it's about a letter someone sent her.

Did you see this? Someone who resigned from her cabinet.

Oh, it was John Nott, the defence minister.

John Nott, yeah. He said she was a delicious lady, or something.

He decided to resign, so he wrote a resignation letter,

which are usually fairly vanilla.

He has to clarify what he is at the end of the sentence.

"As a wildebeest, as a shopping centre in Leeds..."

"As a man." Does it go on from there? It must do.

Well, he signs off:

And do you know what she replied to him?

"Fuck off."

I don't think she dignified it with a response.

She didn't reply at all.

She ignored him, as a woman.

Yes, she certainly did. And John Nott's autobiography,

famously called Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. And why was that?

Robin Day. He walked out on a Robin Day interview.

He did. Shall we treat ourselves to it?

Yes. What, is it in black and white and silent?

Have we got the pianist to accompany it?

Why should the public, on this issue, the future of the Royal Navy,

believe you, a transient,

here today and if I may say so, gone tomorrow politician,

rather than a senior officer of many years?

I'm sorry, I'm fed up.

Thank you.

How did Thatcher turn him down? He's hot.

Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.

To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,

but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope

and you buy a sort of sticker to put on it,

and then you put it in a hole in one of those red boxes

and within two days, it will be delivered to the wrong house,

somewhere near where your friend lives.

The shares were priced at ?3.30.

No-one quite understands how they got to that price.

It was a bit like trying to buy a stamp for something

that doesn't weigh very much, but is quite wide.

According to a City analyst:

Although at least 1 billion of that is in undelivered birthday cheques.

Also this week,

power shortages across Britain could see a return to the three-day week.

I'm not worried. We could knock out

36 episodes of Pointless in that time.

Ian and Dan, here's another for you.

That's some newspapers, you won't see them for much longer. Lord Leveson.

And that's the prime minister.

Oh, this is the Privy Council that's going to report on press freedom

and the plans to regulate the press.

They've decided to reject the newspapers' own solution

and have a Royal Charter.

But the main thing that's coming out of the proposal

is that publications that won't join up to the regulator, such as, say,

a small magazine like Private Eye, those publications,

if they get involved in a libel action and they win,

they prove that they were right to say it,

they will not only have to pay all their own costs,

they will have to pay all the costs of the person who sued them.

That is now law. That has already been enacted by the Government.

Not by anyone independent, by the politicians.

So the idea that then, given any say on the rest of the press,

they will act responsibly - they won't.

They will punish those whose views they don't like who won't play ball,

and obviously, that may well be me.

It ought to be simple.

It's only because it was Leveson,

one of these chaps who sits there,

going, "I've spent 84 years looking through a billion pages",

and really, he should have just sat there and gone

"Oh, for Christ's sake, all you horrible bastards,

"you're just in jail", and that's...

Everyone says "Well, Lord Leveson, he reported and nothing happened."

It did happen!

They closed down the biggest newspaper in the country.

Scores of people have been arrested, journalists.

Lots of people are being prosecuted. It's a big result.

It's difficult for people

to find themselves siding with the Daily Mail. You're not.

But that's what people are thinking.

They think I'm lining up with Murdoch and with Dacre,

and that's very embarrassing. Look at me, I'm embarrassed!

Internally, I'm crawling.

But, you know, in Britain, we have a free press.

It's not a pretty press. But it's free.

It's like the people who can't bear the Daily Mail

who say you should ban it. No, no, no, you don't ban it.

You don't buy it.

APPLAUSE

At least once a week,

there will be a story in there that goes

"Have you seen this woman in her council estate,

"and she's got 403 kids and they're all on benefits,

"and now she's bought a giraffe and the giraffe is on benefits,

"and now she's said to the Government

"that she can't fit the giraffe in the house,

"it's getting a cricked neck,

"so they've put it up in St Paul's Cathedral,

"and now she's saying that three of her kids

"have got compulsive snooker syndrome,

"so the town hall has brought a snooker table round

"but she can't be referee because she's allergic to white gloves,

"so the mayor has to come round and count up the points,

"otherwise he'll be arrested by Europe."

That is absolutely true, but then every now and then,

the Daily Mail runs a story like

"The murderers of Stephen Lawrence shouldn't get off scot-free.

"They did murder him.

"We are going to campaign for ten years until they get justice."

I mean, the free press does good things.

Even if you don't like most of what they do,

you have to allow people to do these stories,

otherwise they won't appear.

You're saying that sometimes,

Luke Skywalker has to team up with Darth Vader, right?

Or, as I might put it, Churchill with Stalin. Indeed.

Just to translate that, that's Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

Presumably, Ian is Churchill in that analogy?

Yes. And Stalin is my father.

So this is all going to come into play on October 30th.

I've got the official timetable of what happens.

It's the Privy Council, so it's quite confusing.

The Queen will attend the Privy Council with her official seal.

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Judging by that noise, it's in the front row.

She will then ratify the Royal Charter,

which editors will be expected to sign up to.

Ian Hislop will then be hung for treason.

His head will then be put on a spike and sent on a tour of the country

before being buried ceremonially under a car park in Leicester.

And Rupert Murdoch, as you say, is not happy either, is he?

Did you see his tweet this week?

You'd think he'd just shut up for a while.

Um, having been Darth Vader in your...

..picture, and having been comprehensively defeated by

Yoda...

..who I believe is Lord Leveson in this analogy...

I think he said "Regulate the press, will I?"

Let's take a look at Rupert Murdoch's tweet. He said:

Is it just me? I always think mouthpiece sounds really rude.

Hmm. Like manhole.

Did you see the journalist Mehdi Hasan

taking the Daily Mail to task on Question Time?

No. Yes. He did. He called it:

Although the Mail did print this in retaliation.

It's a letter from Mehdi Hasan, applying for a job at the Mail.

In a letter to Paul Dacre a few years ago, he says:

Ooh. Ouch.

Ed Miliband, of course,

has done well out of his fight with the Mail.

This week, he's been reinforcing his tough guy image. Let's take a look.

He's played by Jason Statham there.

As an example of press freedom,

what did the Guardian do that was described this week

as the greatest damage to the Western security apparatus in history?

It's the new head of MI5,

who has said the Guardian has acted really irresponsibly

in pointing out that we are spying on people.

And the Guardian has said "Well, even Obama has said, actually,

"we were probably overdoing the spying."

But in this country, everyone's gone mental and said

"Oh, no, the Guardian should be put down",

because they pointed out that we're all being spied on all the time.

It's a matter of consent.

You can debate this and say "Yes, I'd like to be spied on".

I know I would.

Anyone showing any interest in my life would be terrific.

I'd be very happy with that.

But I think it's a matter for public debate,

and if we want to pass laws saying we can spy on people, we can.

It's just that what the Guardian did

was point out that this is happening, and nobody knows it.

I always like people's use of the words "in history",

because that's quite a long time.

What about when the entire British Secret Service

was working for the Russians? When did that happen?

For most of the Cold War. Really? All of them? Pretty much.

So you'd think that was pretty bad, wasn't it?

So this is clearly also a bit bad,

but I don't think it's the worst security breach in history.

Also, when Judi Dench died...

And what did David Cameron say GCHQ could do in the Guardian offices?

Destroy computers? They hit them with an axe, didn't they?

It was an old-fashioned way of containing the problem.

Aren't they all in a cloud somewhere?

They are since they privatised the Met Office. Oh, right.

That's what I didn't understand.

When that guy got caught at Heathrow smuggling all the information...

Yeah? Why did he have to smuggle it out?

Didn't he have it on a stick?

Yeah, but can he not e-mail it?

Is that not a thing? I don't know.

It is a thing. I've heard of that.

He'll be watching this and he'll think, "Oh!"

Yes, this is the march

towards government regulation of the press,

which the whole of Fleet Street argues

would be an unmitigated disaster. According to the Mail,

the cross-party agreement was negotiated:

Pizza? That's Italian. God, Miliband really does hate Britain.

Meanwhile, in a speech, Andrew Parker, the head of MI5,

has attacked the Guardian

and Edward Snowden for harming Britain's intelligence service.

All the protagonists in this story

appeared on the front page of the Daily Mail -

coincidentally, the three men who beat me

in this year's Vision Express Mr Sexy Specs competition.

2014, that's my year.

Spymaster Andrew Parker may not look much like

he's a specialist in espionage and covert operations,

but to be fair to him, he is a 68-year-old black woman.

Paul and Mark, here's another one for you.

This is a cat being massaged.

There was a story this week that not all cats like being stroked,

and when they're purring, it could be a sign of distress.

That's exactly right. Who was the research done by? Dogs.

No, it was actually done by Professor Daniel Mills,

of the University of Lincoln.

How could he tell the cats were stressed when you stroked them?

He had them all wired up.

To electricity, which would stress anybody out.

He said that when handled by humans,

they let off a small amount of hormone linked to anxiety.

I did that at the start of the show. Did you? Yeah.

But we're not actually meant to do a full massage on cats.

Just if they are feeling a bit down, say,

"Oh, have you had a terrible day?

"What's it like outside?" "Oh, raining again".

Is that the cat speaking?

That's more of a story in my mind, that the cat's actually talking, rather than getting a massage.

No, it doesn't say anything, that was me doing the massage.

Well, that's misleading. You as the editor of a publication,

now on television, telling people that cats can talk?

Where's Lord Leveson when you need him?

Working for the dogs.

During the tests, what proportion of the cats enjoyed being stroked? 43%.

You're so close. Eight out of ten.

It was none at all.

I'm just going to warn viewers at home now

to look away if you don't want to see a photograph of someone

deliberately stressing out a cat.

The Mail Online carried the story,

and there was a big response in the comment section.

For example, Alexandra wrote:

Round two is called the history noise. I'll play you a noise

which will relate to a story from this week's news

which has a link to history.

Buzz in when you think you know what the story is.

Let's hear the first noise.

'Come on. Come on. Quickly, I need an answer.'

Merton. That's Jeremy Paxman. It is Jeremy Paxman.

And he's just brought a book out about the First World War,

and he was being asked a question about it at a book festival

and didn't know any answers to the simple questions he was being asked. Absolutely right.

Do you know what he was asked? Yes.

BELL Hislop. Magdalen.

By nature or by...university?

He couldn't answer what happened to Lord Kitchener,

very much the poster boy for World War I. What happened?

He was on a ship that hit a mine. It was on its way to Russia.

There was a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle, actually.

And Paxman didn't know at all. He didn't even know

the name of the soldier in that tomb at Westminster Abbey.

That's inexcusable, isn't it, Dan? Yes.

It's also inexcusable to be a BBC history presenter that loses out

to a man who knows nothing in a big landmark history series

about the First World War. So I'm an even bigger failure.

Was it not offered to you? Of course not.

Surely you were a shoo-in for that job?

Well, you'd have thought so, you know.

In addition to Jeremy Paxman, who else is stupid this week?

Oh, is this the global education report? Yes.

The international education report.

Britain was 22nd in literacy, and 21st in numeracy?

And that was out of 20.

I don't know, I couldn't read it.

And older people in this country are much more literate

and numerate than younger people,

and in all the successful countries, it's the other way round.

Which suggests that something has gone wrong.

They've got their own language, haven't they, 19-year-olds?

So have the French.

Who were the least numerate people on Earth? Below us?

It was the Americans.

They don't even know there's more than one math.

Yes, Jeremy Paxman is the latest in a long line of people

to cash in on - sorry, commemorate - World War I.

One plan for the commemorations

is to replay the famous Christmas Day football match

with a special game between England and Germany,

to be shown live on Sky Sports. Sombre Sunday.

Also this week,

the Cookie Monster made an exclusive appearance on Newsnight, saying:

I'm so sorry, that was Boris Johnson.

Let's take a listen to the next history noise.

ZIPPER SQUEAKS

BUZZER

Paul and Mark. That wasn't a zip? It was a zip.

Why is a zip historical this week?

Must be the hundredth anniversary of the zip.

Yes, it's been 100 years to the day since a man first went

"Ow! No, that's just making it worse."

Tell you what, if cats don't like being stroked, they should try that.

The zip appears in the top five

of the list of the 100 greatest inventions of all time.

Can you tell me what else might appear in the top five? Fire.

There's a moth in the studio. Moths. A moth. Fire.

Fire's got to be one of the top inventions, hasn't it? No.

I think fire was a discovery more than an invention.

That moth is very excited.

Someone's got something very old out of the wardrobe.

I think it's that gentleman's jumper.

It shows you how interesting this programme is.

Everybody's focus is now on that moth. So, yeah, fire's a discovery.

Let's take a look at the top five. They are, in order:

Fire! Portable fire, I should have said.

What about the moth zapper?

We could really do with one now.

I told you to wait in the van.

Told it to wait in the van.

This list of inventions, was it written by Grazia?

It's all to do with going out.

It does sound like a good night, doesn't it? What, light bulb?

You could have a whole evening, couldn't you?

Open some wine, glasses off, trousers down...

Smoke afterwards, light back on.

I'm guessing number six on the list was a minicab. Yes.

That moth's mates aren't going to believe it when it gets back.

"Guess what I've done? I went on Have I Got News For You". "Get out of here!"

Don't scoff. Tonight, he's a guest. Next week, he's going to be hosting.

I don't think the life span is quite long enough. Shame. Anybody...

He'd be very good. He's compelling, isn't he?

Anybody know what great innovation happened to the zip in the 1970s?

Yes. The double zip. Closing at both ends.

That is exactly right, the introduction of the double zip.

I thought you had to be a real anorak to know that.

And the next history noise for you.

TRUMPET FANFARE

WHISTLE, THUMP

BUZZER

Paul again. That's the sound of a football being kicked. Yeah.

And the whistle was a clue that it was a football.

There was some sort of fanfare before that.

We've had a football match at Buckingham Palace this week.

Exactly right. 150 years of the FA,

and one of the teams playing was one of the 12 original teams.

Civil Servants United? Yeah, Civil Service FC.

I only read the first few...

I got so bored of the story that I stopped reading it after PO.

That's why, as a historian,

you haven't buzzed in for one of the questions on the history round.

No wonder they gave Paxman that documentary.

Didn't Prince Harry play in this game? It was Prince William.

Shall we take a look at him? Yes.

That's from Danny Baker's 101 campest throw-ins of all time.

What was special about what William was wearing for this match?

He had boots that were signed by Wayne Rooney.

According to the Express, he wore:

You could tell they were Wayne's

because of the trademark L and R tippexed on the toe cap.

In his pre-match speech, Prince William said:

"And what's more, you'll have to pay for it.

"Oh, hang on, you already pay for it."

Now, there were all sorts of nationalities playing in this team.

So what did they have to do with Prince Philip while the game was on?

Where did they send him this week? Balmoral, somewhere like that?

They sent him to an old people's home. Oh.

A people's home, I think he would call it.

But how did he show he was back on form?

He saw this girl, who was a pensioner's great-granddaughter.

He said:

Yes, this is the football match at Buckingham Palace

to celebrate 150 years of the FA.

The footballers left via a tour of Buckingham Palace.

It took a while, because whenever they saw those little ropes

to keep you off the furniture,

they assumed it was a VIP area and went in for a lap dance.

Time now for the odd one out round. One between you this week.

Your four are:

John Bercow, Archduke Franz Ferdinand,

Liam Fox and Lloyd George, Dan Snow's great-great-grandfather.

Liam Fox is the odd one out. Go on. Because he's got no teeth.

No, because... Everybody else...

John Bercow was involved in a car crash

in a Chelsea street outside a restaurant.

Ferdinand, of course was shot, and the First World War ensued.

Lloyd George, I don't know anything about him and cars,

but I say Liam Fox had a travelling thing.

He didn't get into trouble,

he just claimed threepence for going 300 yards,

but the others have all been involved in incidents in cars.

Is the correct answer. Very well done.

APPLAUSE

Yes, they have all been involved in a motoring incident

except Liam Fox, who was involved in a motoring expenses incident

after claiming 3p for a journey of 100 metres

on his Parliamentary expenses.

Lloyd George was on his way home in a car with his wife

after speaking out in favour of women's suffrage

when someone threw a case through his car window,

trying to smash the window.

But he had wound the window down,

so it hit him in the face instead, unfortunately.

And they caught the assailant because it was his own case,

and it had all his papers in it.

Yeah, Lloyd George did excite passion in his opponents.

During the height of the Boer War,

he was chased out of Glasgow by a mob of Tory students.

Like Farage in reverse? Exactly.

John Bercow, the Speaker of the House,

was accused recently of bashing into someone's car

while trying to squeeze himself

into a space that was too small for him,

which can't happen very often.

Of course, John Bercow denies this.

Archduke Ferdinand was involved in quite a notable incident in 1914

involving a motorcar.

His security wasn't great,

because he survived other assassination attempts.

Didn't they lose him? The assassin was on his way home.

The assassin said they'd missed him because he'd been re-routed.

The driver went, "I don't want to go this way", and stopped.

Not only did he go the wrong way, but he then stopped the car

to do a three-point turn and go the other way.

All Princip had to do was shoot at a stationary vehicle.

That reminds me, I really must get on with Grand Theft Auto five.

Not like Lee Harvey Oswald. That guy was a good shot.

Oof.

That is too soon.

That was the most stupid answer we ever had on Pointless.

The question was,

who was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas?

And this woman says

"The only person I know who was assassinated in Dallas was JR."

Did you have to go "Well, it's not, strictly speaking, true"?

Well, we had to laugh for about 15 minutes first.

Then we had to gather ourselves,

get changed and come back into the studio.

Lloyd George was a member of the Liberal Party,

and is listed in the history books as:

Here is the person whose car John Bercow allegedly bumped.

A tall, blonde woman, happy to boost her own profile

and pose for the press.

Or as John Bercow would call her, "my kind of girl".

Which means, at the end of that round,

it is four points to Ian and Dan, and nine points to Paul and Mark.

That's plain embarrassing.

How is having a leading historian working out for you, Ian?

It's hard to expect a historian to be good at contemporary events.

Tomorrow, he'd be great.

Time now for the missing words round, which this week

features as its guest publication International Sheepdog News.

It's a brilliant read, brilliantly illustrated, the dog's bollocks...

are on page 16.

We start with:

Sugar.

Alan Sugar. Lord Sugar.

He uses the 7.40 from Doncaster.

You're not going to get it.

Oh. Shall we take a little look at him? Yes, please.

He's got a deep bath.

Next:

Sheepdogs! It's about alleviating crushing rural boredom.

Both. Paul, I have to give it to you.

It's about both, absolutely right. Next:

Voting Lib Dem. Stop calling women fluffy or scary.

It's a plea to take women seriously.

Ian, that is exactly the right answer. Yes.

Stop doing it, not start doing it. Don't want to get that wrong.

She's changed her mind. It used to be "Start calling women scary."

It's a ridiculous claim that women are second-class citizens.

If the producers had booked any on today's show,

I might... I'm sure they would agree with me. I messed that up.

If we had a female host, I'm sure she'd have done that properly.

Next:

Eating sheep.

Telling the neighbours that you're bisexual.

Next:

DAN SNOW: Too soft, says Putin.

MARK STEEL: All right, once you got to know him.

You were actually right the first time. Apparently:

Ivan the Terrible died whilst playing chess.

He was given the last rites by a bishop,

who took his time getting there

because he could only move diagonally.

And finally:

Lebensraum!

A historical joke!

Sheepdogs!

Of course.

Partly because all the Polish Border collies are in this country,

rounding up sheep for half the price of the English ones.

So, the final scores are: Ian and Dan, seven points.

Paul and Mark are this week's winners, with 11 points.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Budget cuts affect Incredible Hulk movie?

And this:

If Qatar can have the football, Atlantis can have the cricket.

Aren't their teeth clean, though?

Rain stops play.

On which note, we say thank you to our contestants,

Ian Hislop and Dan Snow, Paul Merton and Mark Steel.

I'll leave you with news that in London,

the publisher who suggested a new Bridget Jones book would be a great idea

is swiftly tracked down.

As part of a crackdown on recycling, Kingston council officials

go through the bins at Ronnie Corbett's house.

And there are incredible scenes

at the World's Smuggest Man competition,

as judges declare it a three-way tie.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd