Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Merchant.

In the news this week, desperate to start another fight with the Daily Mail,

Ed Miliband is persuaded not to by his spin doctors...

..at a press conference in London,

Cheryl Cole offers to show off her new arse tattoo...

..and in Westminster, the day before throwing an egg at a politician,

a very methodical protester rehearses her plan.

On Ian's team tonight is the presenter of

BBC One Saturday night series I Love My Country,

described by the Daily Mail as a show for everyone,

except Ralf Miliband.

Please welcome Gabby Logan.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian

whose mother is one of the best make-up artists in the country

so I dread to think what he really looks like.

Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Hal, take a look at this.

Yes, this is Chinese opera and that's George Osborne

in China looking very pleased that he's there at the opera.

There's...

Mr Toad, is that?

This is Boris and George in China.

That's right, they were there on a charm offensive. Yes.

Boris provided the charm.

Yes.

But did you see that George had all the girls?

Well, he's a good-looking, smooth operator, isn't he? He is!

It's that haircut, isn't it?

10% off wallpaper.

Now, it was supposed to be Boris's trip. Mmm.

Why did George get along?

How did manage to weasel in? Why did he weasel in?

Did he weasel in?

I don't know. I've been in America. I don't know what's going on.

I don't mean that in a fancy way, like,

"I've been in America." I just mean...

I was fancy, actually. It was Los Angeles. Screw you.

No, why... Why was George along?

It was meant to be Boris's trip to start with.

Right. Then I think that the suggestion was

that Boris might need a chaperone. Right.

There is some suggestion as well, perhaps,

that George was also trying to make up for...

for previous incidents that occurred. Last year... Yes.

..they met the Dalai Lama and that upset the Chinese.

GABBY: George and Boris? No, David Cameron.

HAL: Cameron and Clegg.

Cameron and Clegg. Yes, he took Clegg with him.

Cleggy and Cammo,

they met Lammo. They did!

It was very embarrassing because our Prime Minister talked

to the Dalai Lama about human rights and they kept saying to Osborne,

"Is he going to meet the Dalai Lama again?" and Osborne said,

"No, he's met him now, we don't have to do that again."

So they couldn't get him to admit

that one day we may talk about that again, but in the meantime,

we're just talking about money.

"Give us your money, all of it. As much as you've got."

We don't actually get that much investment, do we, from China?

No, not yet. No.

SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE

Is that someone in a minicab?

The Chinese Secret Police are here!

Even mentioning the Dalai Lama!

Terribly sorry! Funny glasses. You know...

Well, the Chinese are terrified of the Dalai Lama

cos he's a threat to their national security.

You can tell from this picture how terrifying he is. Look at him.

Striking fear... ..into the hearts.

How did Boris upstage George?

I don't know. Tell us. Thank you.

It was a big speech at Peking University. Any ideas?

Did he speak Pekingese?

Which is... Pekingese?

Isn't that "dog"? did he speak "dog"?

I was...

I was trying to find... No, he spoke orange or mandarin.

You're on the right lines.

George was trying to make the point

that China was so important to the British people

that his daughter was learning Mandarin at school.

Then Boris said...

LAUGHTER

Eh? How about that, George? Swivel.

And he said, "Well, my daughter is going to marry a Chinaman, actually."

You can't say Chinaman!

Here's a picture, by the way, of George and Boris looking pally.

"Come here, me old pal!"

Nothing he ever does about his appearance is accidental.

The tie's placed there very...

LAUGHTER ..very deliberately.

GABBY: A phallic tie. Why is that woman looking so disgusted at his...

She's looking at Boris Johnson.

I was actually at school with George Osborne, that is my revelation.

Sadly, he was two years below me, and he's done rather better.

He's not been on this show, has he?

No, and he's done very few of the shows you've done.

Yeah, exactly. So yeah, George, wherever you are.

Gideon is how we knew him. Yes, he was a little, whiny, weird boy.

Did you bully him? No, but I wish I had.

Being bullied from you is really being bullied. Yes, it is. Wow!

It's properly humiliating with this tone of voice.

"Oh, I'm going to head down the toilets..."

They both went there on a sales pitch,

and I think, because people have said that both of them

might take over the government one day,

which is an extraordinary thought, isn't it?

That they were both trying to show,

"I can sell more stuff to China than you can."

And they both made these speeches. Did you see Boris's speech?

He said the reason that China would love us -

because Harry Potter's first girlfriend was Chinese.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, he did say that according to JK Rowling...

And she's now chairman of the Central Communist Party!

How did The Independent describe George Osborne and Boris Johnson?

Well, they described them as "yin and yang".

Did they really? Yeah, no, I don't think so.

Someone described them as "yin and yang",

these elemental forces

that... Shape the world.

And disappear up each other in that symbol.

Oh, that's horrific. That's...

I'm just trying to add a bit of up-market Chinese philosophy.

In actuality, they're more Ant and Dec.

But now I've got Ant and Dec going up each other.

You mentioned that Boris mentioned JK Rowling.

How did George try and win over Chinese people,

using popular culture?

Dean Martin tribute act?

Did he talk about Downton Abbey?

Go on. He said that 160 million Chinese people watch Downton Abbey.

That's right. And actually, only 120 million watch it worldwide.

But he wasn't including the pubs and bars because they are packed.

They are rammed.

You go to Beijing on Sunday night, you cannot move!

Oh, Mr Bates!

Sorry, what was that?!

Right, what are the chances of Matt getting in?!

LAUGHTER

And what was George offering the Chinese,

according to The Independent?

You mentioned trade, but what else? Oh, anything. What is it?

They're going to take over Manchester, nuclear power.

It's going to be a lot easier to get in.

Right, absolutely, yes. Of course.

According to The Independent, George was offering...

Which chimes in perfect harmony with the Home Secretary who wants...

How is the rise of China impacting on middle-class dinner parties

here in the UK? LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's an issue, it's a problem.

Is it, "does your child learn Mandarin?"

Surely, with the Chinese taking over, all the kids need to know is

the words for "yes" and "sir" - that's going to be the future, isn't it?

"Kow. Tow."

Apparently, there's concern

because China now lead the world in consuming of goat's cheese.

Apparently, the Chinese middle-class love a bit of goat's cheese.

And you can barely get it now, apparently.

An economist warned that the problem could get even worse.

"The goat's cheese is just for starters."

APPLAUSE

Staying in the mystic east,

what's the big news from the Himalayas?

It's the yeti. Go on. They think the yeti...

Well, they know the yeti doesn't exist because we would have

found one by now, but they think it might be a bear. Right.

That's what they're saying, isn't it? A bear covered in snow.

That's it, absolutely right, yeah.

Do we know where the word comes from?

Has anyone seen one? Not yet!

Thank you!

The name itself comes from the word "ya" meaning rocky place,

and "che" meaning bear. The clue was in the name!

Do we know who covets, or who has coveted a yeti?

Tom Cruise?

Could be the Cruise Machine. Do you know him? Have you met him?

Do I know Cruise?

Maybe I went to dinner while I was in LA at Cruise's house.

How was it? Great. Lovely bit of chicken.

Did he wear lifts in his shoes to meet you? He must have done.

I'm not answering those kind of questions. I bet he did.

And I played pool with his pool cue from The Colour Of Money.

Really? Yeah.

"Played with Tom Cruise's pool cue." That sounds weird.

Oh, there you are.

Now, do we know who else coveted the yeti?

Alexander the Great.

He wanted one? He wanted one.

Don't judge, different times.

It's like a Porsche Cayenne now, isn't it?

Things that people want.

He's giving you that look as though he's got one.

I haven't got a Porsche Cayenne, no.

You wouldn't fit in a Porsche, would you?

All right, come on. Sorry!

It's a good thing. I bet you've got a Range Rover.

I'm only mentioning that because I did a show recently

and I mentioned Yorkshire Tea and a huge box arrived...

Really? ..just after the show, so...

Oh, Gabby, I tell you one thing, though -

aren't Rolex watches amazing?

I really like Filipino women.

LAUGHTER Sorry, is that...

Is that too much? APPLAUSE

This is the latest attempt to sell Britain to China.

Asked who was in charge of the UK delegation, Boris replied...

Yes, "Confucius say: when man talk like idiot and look like idiot...

"man idiot."

At a press conference in Beijing,

when Boris Johnson was asked about threats of violence

against dissenting journalists

and a shameful record on women and abortions,

Boris said, "Can we just talk about China instead?"

Boris was keen to point out

that the first girl that Harry Potter ever kissed

was a Chinese student called Cho Chang.

If you're wondering, Harry kissed her in the Goblet of Fire.

They had to cut that scene out from the film to get a PG rating.

Ian and Gabby, take a look at this.

Now, it's the policeman saluting Andrew Mitchell,

who was the victim of a plot.

He's saying goodbye to his career,

as they stitch him up.

This is Plebgate. Yes.

And we're finally coming to the end of it. Maybe not.

It seems that there should be somebody hung out for this.

Yeah, well there have been some... That's the implication, isn't it?

Well, the CPS are looking at prosecuting some policemen.

So, it's probably not the end then?

Oh, God, all right, it's not the end at all.

It's been going on for a year all ready, hasn't it?

Yes, he had to resign, he was Chief Whip,

for supposedly calling a policeman a pleb.

But then it turned out that the version -

the events - which the police gave

wasn't strictly true in the police log.

Bit like Hillsborough, it wasn't actually a record of events,

more a sort of fantasy...of what they would like to have happened.

But finally, it's all coming out and a lot of policemen will end up...

either being arrested or being forced to apologise.

Well, according to the Guardian, the phrase that Mitchell

consistently denied using was this...

Although the Mail said it was this...

No idea what that could be!

He said he didn't say it.

And then the policeman came out and said,

"he won't answer the question."

But he had a tape going in which he said, "I admit I swore, and I'm sorry about that."

He was wearing a wire!

And the Feds didn't realise! He turned the tables against them!

Well, how long did the original incident actually last?

45 seconds. 45 seconds and so far it's cost...?

Quarter of a million pounds... Yes, it has. ..to investigate.

Could we get the Chinese to pay for that?

160 million people in China watched it on YouTube.

But they must REALLY not have liked him,

there must have been a build-up of animosity towards him.

Yeah, do you think he'd ridden up to the gates most days and said,

"Open it!" Yeah.

It's open, come on!

Bike here, eco!

You know, it's a terrible dilemma,

do you believe a Tory member of the Cabinet, or a policeman?

You know, the public's got a real problem here.

A police whistle blower has actually come forward.

They're all whistle blowers!

Eh? They're all whistle blowers. They all blow whistles.

I don't think they do any more!

OK, logically, it doesn't work. Not since the advent of mobile phone.

When this show began you could have done that joke.

I don't mean today. I mean 20 years ago.

I felt tense because you went very quiet, and I thought, "Oh, I've

"cut across a friend of Tom Cruise's."

LAUGHTER

A whistle blower has come forward with the result of a plot to get

Mitchell and he says that Mitchell had a row at the gates

the previous evening as well, after which one of the officers said...

I love the idea that they actually said it like you would in the Beano!

In other news, which major international figure

fell foul of the law in a Westminster street this week?

Oh, yes, Hillary Clinton.

It was her car that was parked, illegally or something.

There was a picture in one of the papers, I think.

Her car's surrounded by SAS men, or whatever they're called -

SS men, Secret Service. CIA, FBI...

All that lot and they were standing around remonstrating

with this public servant who refused to tear up the ticket.

Absolutely right.

A spokesman for Westminster Council told the Telegraph...

Slight whiff of the PR department there, I think.

Any other apps or anything you want to plug?

Immediately I'm thinking Filipino women! Course you are!

I'm just thinking about that dinner party with Tom Cruise.

Any other questions?

Are you sure you weren't watching the television?

I might have been!

I think I was watching The Graham Norton Show.

Finally, would anyone like to see Labour MP Diane Abbot

neatly deflect a question from Andrew Neil this week? ALL: Yes!

So why did Ed Miliband fire you?

Good afternoon.

In that picture there, it looks like the vase behind her

is pulling a sad face at her resignation.

Yes, this is the return of Plebgate.

Andrew Mitchell attempted to draw a line under the scandal a year ago.

According to the Mail, last October...

I think we all know how that meeting started.

"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo..."

I mean, come on, I'm hitting it out the park here.

Meanwhile, this week, a man has bee fined ?100

after hiding in a wardrobe during a police raid.

He nearly got off on a technicality

as the police hadn't finished counting to 20.

And so to round two and it's the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers please, teams.

BUZZER

Man discovered inside loaf of bread.

Putting bread in your ears makes you deaf.

Is it a sport question?

Sports? Go on.

Do you know that it's something to do with sport?

No, I just assumed it was something I didn't know.

This isn't these hybrid things like cronuts and...

I've been reading about. "Cronuts"?

It's like a croissant mixed with a doughnut.

Ah. This would be a maguette - a man mixed with a baguette.

That's very good.

A man must have gone into hospital, he had a headache for 15 years.

He didn't know what it was, they opened him up

and found bread inside his brains. It's one of those stories, isn't it?

A man with a piece of bread in his head.

Well, it's approaching that if you went back to the 17th century.

HAL: Is it something sexual?

GABBY: Did they used to put bread in peoples' heads

in the 17th century when they had really bad migraines?

Yeah, and if it grew into a loaf, you were a witch.

You're inching closer.

This is the discovery of a remarkable medical textbook

by 17th century royal physician Dr William Sermon.

Do we know how he cured earache? They put bread in your ear.

Yeah, how did Dr Sermon suggest people cured toothache?

"Rub the infected tooth against the backside of a fox in the moonlight.

"While whistling Londonderry Air backwards."

That was if you couldn't get an erection. Oh(!)

Any other ideas for a toothache?

You-you spread something on it...

Yes, what? Rancid something.

OK, I'm interested. Poo or something.

Oh, come on.

We're having a lovely time with the moonlit fox, it was beautiful.

Then it's you lowering it again.

I thought it was going to be something like that. Is it aspirin?

Yeah, it was "Take aspirin and see a proper doctor."

It was "Rub watercress into the gums."

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is it anything to do with the fact that people

who work for the American government have this week gone back to work?

It's exactly that, well done, yes.

American hasn't closed down?

There was a possibility the whole country

was just going to pack it in.

Just give up completely and say, "No, we can't do it."

Now, I don't know what's been going on in America...

Is that why everybody was free to play pool because no-one was working?

Was he there? Was Barack there as well?

No, he's on the phone saying, "No, Tom, I can't come."

"Stephen Merchant? Never heard of him." I bet he said.

So, yeah, so what exactly was happening in America

that is now not happening any more?

Well, the Republicans weren't agreeing a deal

on paying back the debt. Right.

It got nearer and nearer the deadline and they thought Obama

would cave in and say, "I'll forget my healthcare plan."

But he didn't.

He just said, "No, we either fall over the cliff together

"and the world goes with us, or we come to an agreement."

And they came to an agreement.

So it's an absolutely extraordinary story

about common sense breaking out.

Even amongst the Tea Party.

You know, which is quite big news.

How long is America now open for, now that they've reopened? 24 hours.

January. It's called "the Fiscal Cliff".

Which is a wonderful term.

When you go off the Fiscal Cliff,

do you hit Bankruptcy Beach at the bottom?

Financial tide moves away.

Who was letting them extend their overdraft the whole time?

The Chinese own most of the bonds.

And there's a debt of something like...a zillion gillion.

That's a technical term, you'll follow me...

The Chinese own most of it.

But can all of us get an account with the Chinese?

There's a firm called Wonga.

Does anyone know how high the debt ceiling actually was

before the deal kicked in?

It's 16,000 billion, I think. That's right.

Ah, same thing.

The papers helpfully explained that as being...

That's good, cos normally they explain everything

in football pitches, don't they?

How many football pitches is that? Everything in size in this county

is explained in football pitches, have you noticed that?

No wonder I've got no spatial awareness.

I'd prefer it if it was basketball courts, personally. I just...

Did you shoot some hoops? Course I shot some hoops - 6'7", sweetheart.

No, honestly, I can't play basketball

but I genuinely love going to basketball games

cos they're so tall I feel like I'm among my people.

My youngest daughter is ginger and I have the same feeling

when we go to Scotland, it's like, her people.

You'll offend anyone, won't you?

No, that's not strictly offensive. They're the most ginger country in the world.

Are they?

There are more ginger people in Scotland per head than any other nation in the world.

So there is nothing offensive in that. The "per head" is gratuitous.

They're very rare now, ginger people.

Yeah, I have one.

We were talking about the debt issue.

Who was the big winner in all of this?

Did someone bet against the government coming to an agreement?

Did Ray Winstone take a bit of a punt?

It was actually the Washington DC pizza industry.

They made a few bob

because, as negotiations were going on,

we saw images like this.

That was just for Governor Chris Christie.

Here he is with President Obama.

"Don't worry, mate, they're on their way."

Where has this left the Republican party?

In disarray.

The Republicans are coming out of it badly. Absolutely right.

According to the Times, the Republican party's approval rating

has dipped to...

So they shut down the government,

they almost brought the world economy to its knees,

but they're still more popular than the Lib Dems.

Yeah, this is the news that the US has reopened for business.

The US shutdown was descried by one commentator as...

Bit of a slap in the face for Al-Qaeda.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, for the next one.

BUZZER

Have they shut the Humber Bridge to stop people going to Hull?

To stop people going to Hull? Yeah.

They don't want any more tourists, they've got enough.

Maybe they're trying a new slogan -

"Hull, one letter different from hell."

Could be it, couldn't it?

You're in the right neighbourhood, both of you.

John Prescott's from Hull. Or was MP for Hull. Yeah.

That's why they should just close Hull? Yes.

He's not an MP any more, is he? Other than...

Member of the House of Lords. Oh, right.

He's a Lord in Hull as well, isn't he?

Is he the Lord of Hull? Well, I don't know.

"I am the Lord of Hull!"

It is to do with Hull but it's actually The Economist magazine.

They have a very specific view on Hull.

It should be shut down?

Absolutely right, yes,

The Economist magazine thinks that the city should be closed down

along with Burnley, Middlesbrough, and Hartlepool.

Closed down?

Why? The Economist described any efforts

to save struggling northern communities as...

You lived in Leeds, didn't you? I was born in Leeds.

Should they close that down? Leeds is doing very well.

Have you heard of Leeds, Ian? Yes!

There's a football team in Leeds, isn't there?

There is - Leeds United.

You see? Local knowledge.

Paul, any view on Leeds?

So good they named it once?

Yes, this is The Economist magazine's plan to shut Hull.

Grim, dull and uninspiring...

The Economist comes out every week.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Paul? Useless watch is marketed.

Is this a smart watch?

In some ways.

Ah, this is about life expectancy.

It measures your health, that's what it's got to be.

Wait, I don't know the rules. They buzzed but you started answering.

Ian's a ventriloquist.

I'll watch him for the answer.

"Time remaining - 63 years" that's the clue.

Making your blood pressure...

It measures your breath or something. It's something...

You have that on and it tells you you've got 63 years left.

So you're not normally worried at that point

but when it gets to six minutes and 34 seconds...

then you start looking for quality time.

You're absolutely right, that's exactly what it is, yeah.

Don't people get hit by cars?

Wouldn't they get a refund?

What, looking at the watch? You go, "I was...Oh!"

You know the amazing thing about this?

This is not a joke, this is serious. My associate, Karl Pilkington,

genuinely came up with this idea about three or four years ago.

Really? And he's a moron.

Yeah, the watch does work, as you say, by calculating your death date

by taking into account the various stress factors

that could hasten your death like smoking, drinking,

and wearing a watch that constantly reminds you you're about to die.

And you probably lie to your own watch.

The watch says, "How many units?" You go, "Hardly any.

"Two, three. Maybe, you know...

"a glass with Downton."

I'd adjust that number with the little switch on the side,

put it up to another 20 - 83 years.

That would be the thing to do.

Can you image Bruce Forsyth's watch?

Technically it's a sundial.

I do hope that Rolex makes this watch.

And if they don't, I love them anyway.

Filipino woman can shorten your life, I tell you.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant,

which had a meltdown last year.

And, unbelievably, I don't know if I can actually say this live,

but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.

Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.

It's the mascot of Fukushima Industries,

which makes commercial freezers.

Is anyone interested in seeing the mascot

of the Fukushima nuclear power plant?

They do have a mascot, here it is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you show the original one again?

It looks like Ross Kemp.

Do you remember? It does!

Talking of Japanese mascots, who do you think this is?

Is that an aubergine on his head? Yeah. It is?

I couldn't confirm or deny it.

GABBY: They are going to host...

Did they not get the Olympics, didn't they, in 2020?

You may be right, you know all about "spoirts."

As we say in California.

It sounded a lot more like Devon.

He's actually a mascot for a Japanese prison.

LAUGHTER

What does he do? What's his job?

I don't know. He says, "My name's Banguppy.

"Welcome to prison."

This is Fukuppy, the mascot for a Japanese refrigeration company.

It really is a schoolboy error for a company

to leave the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,

said the managing director of Smeg.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Hal, your four are,

Cambridge, the pharaoh Ramesses II,

Princess Michael of Kent

and the Environment Minister Owen Paterson.

I don't know, any thoughts on this?

Um...I haven't a clue.

It's not anything to do with...

mummification? But no, it can't be.

Expand, I'm interested to know what you're thinking.

Princess Michael's still alive, isn't she? Yes.

Yeah, um... LAUGHTER

Everything else has been mummified, including Cambridge.

GABBY: Anything to do with counties?

Owen Paterson is trying to kill badgers in Gloucestershire.

Princess Michael of Kent... Right.

Cambridge... Yes. ..shire.

Yes. You were onto something when you mentioned badgers.

Owen Paterson looks like a badger with that hair...

GABBY: OK...

Princess Michael of Kent is the man in the Badger Watch line.

This is a whole bunch of badgers that are causing trouble.

Right? But not in Egypt.

But...but...but... No, that was a plague of locusts.

OK, plague of locusts, plague of... Oh, plague.

Plagues. All right, come on. So she's got a plague of something.

Oh, she has. He's got a plague of badgers.

Cambridge has a plague of undergraduates.

HAL: Everybody has a plague.

No, Cambridge hasn't. Apart from Paterson who is a plague.

Well done, well done!

Yes, yes.

Congratulations. It's actually they've been plagued by frogs.

Except Environment Minister Owen Paterson who was plagued by badgers.

You mentioned Princess Michael of Kent.

According to the Sunday Times,

to try and get across the idea that she is short of money these days,

she has to deal with everyday problems like everyone else.

For example, recently, her house was infested with frogs.

Her house, of course, being Kensington Palace.

This was not French people. This was...

Sorry, I can't stop!

There's space going as head of the EDL, isn't there?

Sorry, that is the voice of the EDL, "Hello!

"Ooh, Islam!"

Sorry, do you know what? Apologies.

I have been out of the country too long

because every time you said "EDL," I kept thinking of EDF. Oh, right.

Let's make a recording of this for people, the racist bits.

You know they are making a recording of this?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What does Princess Michael claim to have done only once

since she got married?

She's had two children, hasn't she? Right.

Twins.

Been to the high street once. Well done, absolutely right.

Yes, she said...

Obviously, Ramesses II, do we know what he suffered a plague of?

GABBY: Is it rats? I've given it away, it was actually frogs.

What about Cambridge?

You may have missed this story in the Cambridge News.

There was a man on his boat in Cambridge,

Alisdhair Currie-Crawford,

who suddenly noticed a lot of frogs all over the place.

Here he is. He said...

It happened, this incident, on 23rd July earlier in the year.

According to the Cambridge News...

No, they didn't.

Yeah, they've all been plagued by frogs apart from Owen Paterson.

In an article in the Sunday Times, Princess Michael of Kent

talks about being told she had to...

adding...

That's only because when she goes out,

she thinks people are calling her

"that posh Kent".

Ian and Gabby, here are yours.

Nigel Mansell's wallet, Sundance the dog, Vicky Pryce's handbag

and a German pensioner's bank account.

Vicky Pryce's handbag, when she went into jail, there was

a lot of cash in it.

She didn't realise how much cash she had in.

No, not a clue. She is an economist, why would she know?

It was over ?1,000. Was it? Yes.

So that bag was full of money,

so I am guessing the German pensioner went to

get his account and there was nothing in it...or lots in it.

Nigel Mansell is... Was an ex-racing driver. Absolutely.

You genuinely didn't know that. He is now, isn't he...

A little bit of magic circle action for Nigel Mansell. OK.

Logan is onto something here. He can disappear stuff from his wallet?

Yes, he can. It is not the most unusual job transfer for a sportsman.

George Weah, footballer, went to be the president of Liberia.

That was a HUGE change.

Huge change. Didn't get it. He didn't get it? No.

Does that mean we have got Rooney as Prime Minister coming?

What about the dog then?

He has a cheque in his mouth, so he has money. Yes.

So my theory, these three -

Vicky, the German pensioner in his lederhosen and this dog - have

all got money, and that Nigel Mansell makes it disappear.

That is a terrifically good answer. Round of applause for Gabby Logan.

APPLAUSE Absolutely right.

They all contained a surprising amount of money,

apart from Nigel Mansell's wallet.

And nobody was surprised by how much money it contained,

but Princess Anne was surprised when it self-combusted in front of her.

Do we know how Her Royal Highness reacted to Nigel's

spontaneous combustion trick? She said, "It is still your round."

Oh, she has a dog that attacks people.

Princess Anne got done for her dog attacking someone,

and attacked a corgi as well, I think.

Your answer is that she set her dog on Nigel Mansell? Kill! Fire!

Apparently, according to a guest...

Because her eyebrows were on fire. She is my favourite Royal.

You don't like Phil with his gaffes? Yeah.

I don't know if I should say this or not. My husband is dyslexic

and when we were at something to do with the Prince's Trust or

Duke of Edinburgh Award, we met him and he said to my husband,

"Have you still got that brain disease?"

It's nice that he remembered in a way.

It is. Kenny didn't know quite how to act.

He just started laughing, which made him look inane really.

He didn't say, "Have you?"

Can you make jokes about dyslexics now?

Is that OK? I don't know what the rules are any more.

I think you can because dyslexia is almost becoming a positive thing,

because very creative people are often dyslexic. So...

even though he was a rugby player, so obviously not...

Well, maybe creative in other ways.

Is the dog famous then? I have never heard of this dog. Sundance the dog?

It ate five $100 bills belonging to its owner, Wayne Klinkel,

who was later given a cheque for the amount from the US Treasury

after posting them, the fragmented notes,

which he'd returned, the dog, in the usual manner.

Exactly. And is he going to do something about his eyes now?

I thought he had lost an eye and that was a damages cheque. Claims Direct.

"Have you been injured chasing a stick?"

"Has a cat made false accusations against you?"

And the German pensioner's bank account,

according to the Telegraph, the cashier had intended to...

but fell asleep with his finger on the keyboard and...

Luckily the error was spotted by a colleague

and the transfer was reversed.

222 million euros? That is the whole of Greece.

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features

as its guest publication Bonsai Focus.

Dedicated to the art of cultivating tiny Japanese trees.

Bonsai Focus, by the way, has a mascot called Growthefuckuppy.

And we start with...

Used to water very small trees.

HAL: Is pure alcohol.

I am going to give that to you.

Yes. AUDIENCE GROANS

Urgh! According to The Mail...

Or if you are watching this on Dave,

the late members of the Experimental Food Society. Next...

HAL: Tiny plans for a tree house.

Body part. It's a body part, it's definitely a body part.

Kidney. Gall bladder.

It's bladder, well done. Print your own bladder. Well done.

Yeah. No, it took two decades for scientists to develop a 3-D printer

that could create body parts.

It's going to take the first customer two minutes

before he starts printing a pair of boobs.

Next...

GABBY: Stop me going to BT Sport.

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

That's obviously a complete lie!

It sounded like a pitch to me.

HAL: Is it to lure Noel Edmonds back? GABBY: Where's he gone?

Where's he gone? Deal Or No Deal!

Is he there, that's it, he can't leave?

Yeah, he lives in a little box.

He has a whale of a time. Sometimes he's in number 9,

sometimes he's in number 15.

They're bringing back The Clangers, so it could be that.

Bring back The Clangers. Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

Next...

It's got to be bonsai, hasn't it? GABBY: Oak.

HAL: He analyses Reginald's tree and finds it isn't bonsai,

it is just very far away. No, it was bonsai.

Here is Peter Adams in Bonsai Focus. That is his actual size, obviously.

Several celebrities own bonsai trees, such as Ronnie Corbett.

He likes a bit of shade.

Does Tom Cruise have a bonsai as well?

Hey, don't slag Tom off, all right? It was just a normal sized tree...

Leave him alone! He has suffered enough.

Did you go and see him because you are going to have a

remake of Twins, the Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger film?

HAL: You should remake all of Arnie's films actually.

GABBY: You have been well and truly rumbled there. The Terminator!

I'll be back, I'm telling you that!

I'll be back. I'll bloody be back!

I tell you that, I'll be back.

In Commando, "Watch it, lads. "Someone is going to get hurt."

Is there any other impressions you do, other than me?

I do Tony Blair but then I sound like him anyway.

Offend someone in Tony Blair's voice. Erm...you know...

That is it, I'm offended.

And finally...

Top of Mrs Kobayashi.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On top of the world, looking down at a very small creation.

Um, it's actually...

Oh! There you are.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Hal have an epic 5.

Ian and Gabby triumphant with 11.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Gabby Logan,

Paul Merton and Hal Cruttenden.

I leave you with news that at a film premiere in London,

Tom Hanks finally meets the man

who inspired the character of Forrest Gump.

As the Miss China contest ends in a draw,

the judge announces it'll all come down to the tie break round.

And there's more shocked reactions to Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo,

as she's spotted sunbathing naked in her garden.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd