Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week, at a party in Berlin there are joyous scenes as

both sides celebrate the anniversary of the end of the Cold War.

In the kitchen of a Beijing restaurant, there's evidence

that the temperature of the new deep fat fryer

may have been a little low.

And at his family bonfire party in the Cotswolds, Richard Hammond

regrets putting Jeremy Clarkson in charge of the fireworks.

On Paul's team tonight is an MEP whose controversial remarks about

women drew the media's attention away from the UKIP party conference,

so this is our chance to thank him in person.

Please welcome Godfrey Bloom.

And with Ian tonight is a journalist

and broadcaster who once said about sexism, "You still get some

"perfectly harmless old man looking down your top and saying

"you're a healthy young lady."

So, presumably, she's already met Godfrey.

Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Godfrey, here's your question.

It's a big news story but, legally, we are not allowed to comment on it,

so off you go, good luck with that.

I don't know who these people are.

I have no idea what that building is.

Who is...? That's the Prime Minister.

I have no idea...I don't know.

How dare you link the Prime Minister with this trial?

I didn't think I had but...

It's a fair cop, guvnor.

I can't say who these people are or I can say who they are or...?

-You're right first time, you can't.

-I can't say who they are, OK.

-We're allowed to report the facts.

-Oh, right, OK.

1066 was the Battle of Hastings.

LAUGHTER

I know the BBC are very jumpy about saying anything at all about that

but as one of the few people who the Attorney General has said has

not committed any contempt,

I would say my judgment on what you can say is better than theirs.

Yeah, I think that's right.

Wandsworth Prison is very easy to get to for me.

I can visit two or three times a week.

You should make all your comments in code and then it could be

on the BBC before anyone notices what you're saying.

Yes, I could say, ah, Fraulein, I thought

ze cathedral was on ze other side of ze square.

LAUGHTER

How dare you!

The pigeons fly high above Krakow tonight.

The fat lady has bought her dinner but she does not want dessert.

-There you are. Nobody can go to prison for saying that.

-No.

You can get switched off but not sent to prison.

Well, there is one High Court case we can talk about.

Did anyone see Bernie Ecclestone turning up?

Oh, yes, it was great.

He was baffled by the concept of revolving doors.

-Here he goes.

-In he goes.

So far, so good, you see?

Now, just walk out.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no.

Now, he can't get in, that door's locked.

He's got to wait for somebody to go and get him now, look.

This is the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.

Since we can't make jokes about any of the defendants,

let's make some jokes about you, Godfrey.

Here's what you got up to 30 years ago on your stag night.

You can't see it but she's just withdrawn the whip.

Oh, happy days, happy days.

For legal reasons,

we're not allowed to talk about the News International case at all.

So this week it was reported that the Mirror Group is...

Hang on, are you just going to let that photo pass?!

No, we can go back to it, let's go back.

Which one are you?

That was before my operation, in all fairness.

Which part of your body was the operation on?

-Well, you get two guesses on that one, Ian.

-The brain.

Did the woman come along just to do that bit

or was she one of your friends there for the evening?

GODFREY: She came along to do that.

I think my brother-in-law had a go as well so...

Fortunately, somebody stumped up for it. It wasn't me.

It was a chum of mine paid.

I thought she was very entrepreneurial, really.

So...

LAUGHTER

This week it was reported that the Mirror Group is now

facing 55 claims of phone hacking so

before we're not allowed to talk about that case,

can I just say Piers Morgan is a total arse.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Piers did tweet that I should be put in jail for two years

at the beginning of last week,

saying I'd committed contempt of court.

He said that in the morning before the Attorney General ruled that I hadn't.

So in fact, Piers was in contempt

and probably should go to jail for two years.

Ian and Victoria, here is your news story.

That's Rebekah Brooks!

-Who's that?

-Oh, Lord.

It's Theresa May, but it's like looking in a mirror.

I'm always doing that.

What? It's just fallen off, the shoe?

After the photograph of Mr Bloom, I was so relieved to see a burka.

Just thank goodness.

You know the world is still run by men

when any women are wearing either a burka or hot pants.

Feminism will have won when everyone is just in a nice comfy

knee-length dress with a cardigan.

I couldn't agree more.

So, I think the story was about a man dressed in a burka.

Yes, ironically,

the first person ever to be liberated by wearing a burka. A man.

APPLAUSE

He was tagged, wasn't he?

He was under really close surveillance so he managed to

nip into a mosque in Acton, change into a burka and run for it.

I was interested that he had these curfews. There are eight of them.

It's called the T-Pimms.

-It's T-Pimms o'clock, isn't it, Xander?

-It is just about, yeah.

Oh, someone's absconded.

-Is G4S in charge?

-It is indeed.

I didn't want to create any more legal problems.

This is him before and after.

We can see him going into the mosque on the left.

That's him leaving the mosque on the right.

There was something ironic about the timing of this incident.

Earlier that day, he absconded.

The case against him for tampering with his tag had been dropped.

They said he wasn't guilty of tampering with it.

Got a bit more now, though, haven't they?

According to the Times, the tags had been...

Criminal mastermind.

Five times a day?

That's going to work any tag loose.

You can't tell, he's got a burka on. The tag may still be on.

-He might be limping.

-We've got to presume it's not.

Otherwise they would've brought him in. Oh, it's G4S.

I like the idea of being subjected to wiggling, like your stag night, Mr Bloom.

There was a lot of wiggling that night, I can tell you.

-Can we see the picture again?

-Yeah.

VICTORIA: Bless her, she's doing such a good job of smiling. Amazing.

GODFREY: I was a good-looking dude in those days, Victoria.

Well, you're very good-looking now but it's possible that standing

there in just her pants while a man in a suit rubs his face in her tits

wasn't the greatest night of her life. It's possible.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, she got 100 quid for it

so she must have thought it was reasonably OK.

EMBARRASSED SILENCE

That's the UKIP policy.

If you charge 100 quid for it, it's fine.

Back to Mohammed for a second...

Oh, there's a gear change!

As you said, G4S were the people who provided the tags.

They are in charge of the monitoring.

The Serious Fraud Office has launched a criminal investigation

into G4S, along with another company, Serco,

in relation to tagging. The Guardian explains...

As I say, G4S deny any wrongdoing at all.

And those 3,000 nonexistent people all voted Labour in Falkirk.

Exactly, they all registered...!

Meanwhile, going back to burkas, just for a second.

Ken Clarke waded into the debate.

What did he have to say about burkas in court?

He said that it's difficult to get a fair trial

if you're wearing "a kind of bag".

-That's it.

-Although, I was thinking about that

and I think maybe he's been misunderstood.

Because actually, all clothes are a kind of bag.

If his dad had been wearing a kind of bag, we wouldn't have Ken Clarke.

It strikes me.

APPLAUSE

Clarke also said people should be allowed to wear...

Although most people do draw the line at these.

Is she in a production of Joseph?

According to the Times,

the over-the-knee boot is the key style for autumn/winter 2013.

-But I don't need to tell you that, of course, Ian!

-Oh, yes!

I have them on under this desk.

XANDER BLOWS NOSE

-Sorry, Alexander, are you with us?

-Yeah, I'm with you.

-I know that habit of yours is a problem, but...!

-Oh...

Finally, who would like to see a clip of Boris Johnson letting one go?

-Fire!

-Fire!

-There we are. This is the male terror...

-He works for The Mail?!

That is a story.

..the male terror suspect who escaped by putting on a burka

and sneaking out of a mosque disguised as a woman.

You'd think he'd have been eable...

HE STAMMERS

You'd think he'd have been easy to spot but to be fair the...to the...

Aaahhhh!

You're right, that habit really...

really getting the better of me!

You'd think he would be easy to spot, but to be fair to the

security services, they were far too busy reading all our e-mails.

Boris Johnson has branded the terrorist's escape

whilst dressed as a woman as absurd...

and also highly embarrassing,

as he'd just tried to chat him up at a bus stop.

Paul and Godfrey, here's another one for you.

Yes, this is payday loans.

She's very happy, look. It's raining fake money where she is.

-It's something to do with payday loans, I think.

-Yeah.

Do you know what's happened to them this week?

Some of them have been called before Parliament committees to

-defend their business.

-That's exactly right.

They were accused of something terrible by Money Saving Expert's

Martin Lewis at the select committee hearing.

People were complaining that they were advertising on children's programmes.

Exactly, he said they were grooming children.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

I know they're awful but...

Do you know why he said that though?

Cos children see the adverts and say to their parents,

-"Why don't you borrow some money and then I can have some of it?"

-Exactly.

This happened to my friend, who is a poker player.

He has a little gold camel for luck that he puts on his cards,

and one time he was getting his stuff together for a poker tournament

and he said, "Where's my camel?",

and his son, who's three, said, "You can convert that old gold into cash."

Apparently, they're grooming the next generation of borrowers.

Martin Lewis said...

Isn't one of them Earl Wonga?

I don't know if he is an earl. I may have just given him a title.

I thought maybe that was his Christian name,

I didn't realise he was a belted earl.

Oh, no, I think he donated a large sum to the Conservative Party!

-Do you want to see the cute Wonga puppets?

-Yes.

-Here they are.

-IAN:

-It's you, Godfrey.

-LAUGHTER

With a couple of what you'd call absolute corkers.

-So who else rounded on the payday lenders?

-Ronnie Corbett.

Was this the public accounts committee, or a select committee?

The select committee, they were in front of the select committee

but Ed Miliband also piled in.

He described the reality of life for the millions

living with payday loans. He said it was...

Much like working with Ed Balls.

You know how much it costs to borrow £1 for one day from Wonga?

£1,000.

It's going to sound pathetic but £6.57 to borrow a pound for a day.

Do you know what the current interest rate is with Wonga?

It's in its thousands.

That's more than the power companies!

What's the big glitzy film premiere in London?

-Wonga have made a film.

-Absolutely right, Wonga the movie.

They've released a film featuring people who have borrowed from the firm.

Unusually for Wonga, there is zero percent interest!

LAUGHTER

What do you mean it's a film? You can go and see it at the cinema?

No, you can't go and see Wonga The Movie!

You buy your ticket but you have to pay it back by the end.

Who else was grilled by MPs?

-Spies.

-Spies, the three Secret Service agencies, which are?

-MI5.

-MI6.

Google.

Talking of unpopular organisations,

what have Ryanair been up to this week?

-They're upgrading, aren't they?

-Are they?

I think they're getting better.

I think they've put a lavatory in and all sorts of wonderful things.

They're getting rid of the outdoor seats. Clutching to the wing.

The head of Ryanair, Michael O'Leary,

has promised to stop unnecessarily pissing people off.

He promised to overhaul the website, saying...

What will you soon be able to do if you pay an extra five quid?

You can have a number two?

No, it's more basic than that.

Number one?

You can choose your own seat.

Shall we see how former serious news programme Newsnight

-interviewed O'Leary?

-Yes.

There we are.

That's ridiculous!

You'd never get legroom like that.

On the subject of air travel,

what did we learn this week about women pilots?

VICTORIA: Oh, God.

I don't know, I'm just dreading where this is going.

They're better.

A survey found that 51% of passengers

wouldn't trust a woman pilot.

The survey was commissioned by a travel agent who

surveyed 49 normal people then repeatedly asked Godfrey.

LAUGHTER

Godfrey, I'm doing you a terrible disservice.

I feel sure you are far more enlightened than that.

I know you've said that women aren't very good drivers,

but they're much better than men at finding the mustard in the pantry.

And I wondered, was that a euphemism?

LAUGHTER

Have you often found yourself with women,

and you feel like you have been rummaging for ages in the pantry...?

She's screaming, "You just can't find the mustard."

Is that...where that came from?

Are we talking French or English?

This is the Parliamentary enquiry which saw a bunch of greedy

money-grabbing bastards interviewing Wonga.

There's some dispute as to where the name Wonga comes from.

For most people it's a slang term for money,

although for one man, it's the capital of Bongo Bongo Land.

What did you mean? Do you remember?

The point that I was making is that it is a rather ridiculous

thing to send £1 billion a month away when we are closing our hospitals

and schools to Bongo Bongo Land.

-It's specifically Africa you meant, isn't it?

-Broadly speaking, yes.

One thing I have been proud of is opening that national debate,

Bongo or not Bongo.

So you've influenced, by making a mildly racist remark,

you've influenced the government into changing its aid policy?

So it would appear, Ian.

Well then, that proves you are mad.

LAUGHTER

-Now, just a second ago we were talking about air travel.

-Yes.

And talking of flying, a church was in the news this week.

Anyone know why?

First airborne church, church that's flying around on a plane?

This Illinois church was in the news

not for what it looks like on the ground...

-What it looks like from the air.

-Which is...

Also this week, a survey revealed that

the majority of airline passengers are less likely to feel safe

with a woman pilot at the controls,

which sounds a bit sexist but to be fair,

a male pilot can hold his drink better.

Ian and Victoria, here is another one for you.

That is a Tory MP.

That's another one. That's Shapps.

And that's Ed Miliband, who's clapping his speech.

No-one else will, he might as well.

MPs in trouble, isn't it?

-MPs in trouble, yes.

-The top man is Mr Pritchard.

It is Mr Pritchard, yeah. Mark Pritchard.

He made some unfortunate remarks to an undercover Daily Telegraph

reporter about whether he could help setting up a company in Albania,

and he said he knew everyone, he was very influential,

and could he have three grand?

He says that's been wildly misinterpreted as suggesting

in some way he would take money,

but he's referred himself to the Parliamentary Standards Committee.

-He says he wants to prove his innocence. So self-referral?

-Yes.

Someone must look into this man!

I don't know what he's done,

but someone should get to the bottom of it.

Who did he claim was his best friend?

He said, I like this one, he said he knew the mayor.

And that he knew a minister in Albania.

-The Prime Minister.

-The Prime Minister.

He said we could meet the great and the good,

we will meet the Prime Minister, blah blah.

Impressive, he even knows his name.

What do we know about Mr Pritchard?

Is he the one that was rude to The Speaker in a corridor?

John Bercow told him to stand aside as he walked down the corridor

and Mr Pritchard said, "You are not fucking royalty, Mr Speaker."

Bercow had no alternative but to walk straight between his legs.

In other denial news, what denial was made on David Cameron's behalf?

-Someone said he wasn't at a party.

-He wasn't at a party...

-..and then he was.

-Downing Street didn't reply to the question.

-Matthew Freud, whose party it was, were you there?

-I was there.

-It was lovely.

-Tell us all about it.

If you remember one of those parties, you weren't really there.

-So the Prime Minister was there.

-He was there.

I don't think he ever said he wasn't, I think Downing Street didn't reply.

Matthew Freud said he wasn't.

Matthew Freud initially said that. I suspect he probably just thought,

-it's my party, my business.

-I will lie about it if I want to.

-Yeah.

-Cos it's only the Prime Minister and his PR man.

Why should we be interested in their relationship?

I mean, this party, Tony Blair was there.

Yeah, well, that makes it clean.

What other guests were there? Genghis Khan?

Dr Shipman popped in?

-It was a lovely party.

-It WAS a lovely party!

-I'm sure it was.

Did Jimmy Savile do karaoke?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what about Ed Miliband, what has he denied doing?

Is that about the Falkirk thing?

It was about Falkirk.

It's like The Wire. I feel like I missed an episode and now I'm lost.

The thing that's changed this week is that they said there was vote

rigging, and there was a witness, and then the union said,

"No, she's withdrawn her testimony,

"she said there wasn't any vote rigging."

So Ed Miliband said, "She's withdrawn her testimony,

"no need, I won't look into it any further."

Now the woman has said, "I didn't withdraw my testimony,

"there was vote rigging and I'm sticking to what I said."

So people said, "Well, Ed, are you going to reopen your enquiry

"because this woman says she was leaned on by the unions

"to change her testimony?"

And he said, "No, no, absolutely not, I'm just monitoring events.

"I'm just seeing what is happening. Leave me alone!

"I'm trying to do my job... which is lose."

What has Tory MP Grant Shapps denied doing?

He used to run a company under another name.

-He was Michael Green.

-Yes.

Nothing dodgy about that at all.

The company was investigated, wasn't it?

The police said there may have been fraud

but we are drawing a line under it, it's all over.

Do you want to see Grant Shapps being pursued by Michael Crick?

Is it across open countryside?

-MICHAEL CRICK:

-Stockheath of Surrey?

There doesn't appear to be any Stockheath anywhere in the world.

There doesn't appear to be a Stockheath anywhere in the world.

Was she genuine? Is Richard Wharton of Tektriox New York genuine?

Is JLM Richards...?

-PAUL:

-Where's Bernie Ecclestone when you need him?

Godfrey, you've had your time with Crick, haven't you?

Yes, you handle him with a rolled-up magazine is my way of dealing with Crick.

-Shall we watch that? That is quite fun.

-That is all a bit of fun.

What do you make of the front cover of your conference brochure

with no black faces on it?

What a racist comment is that? How dare you?

That's an appalling thing to say.

You're picking people out for the colour of their skin. You disgust me.

Get out of my way.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I'm making the point that you haven't got...

-What is appalling about making that point?

-You, sir, are a racist.

Why am I a racist?

You take this and you've checked out the colour of people's faces?

Disgraceful. You disgrace.

LAUGHTER

There's a moment there where you come over all Gyles Brandredth.

Can you rephrase that?!

LAUGHTER

I've got it in my head now.

At the end of that round that is four points each.

Four points each. Yes! Lovely. Very good.

And on to round two and in honour of one of our guest's controversial comments

about women who don't clean behind the fridge, we'll take a look and

see which stories are lurking behind Godfrey Bloom's Fridge Of News.

Buzz in when you know what the story is.

BUZZER

Yes, Victoria and Ian.

-It's a rocket, going to Mars.

-That's right.

And the Indians have launched it and the Chinese failed

and the Indians are going to succeed.

They're going to get a rocket to go all the way to Mars.

Absolutely right, an unmanned mission, this was.

But only to start with. There's going to be people on it eventually.

Shouldn't they have been on it at the beginning?

How much does the UK provide to India in aid annually?

A couple of hundred million?

280 million, according to the Express.

How much is India's Mars mission thought to cost?

280 million.

£45 million.

Yes, they've managed to find a way of getting to Mars

for 0.01% of the cost of our proposed route

from London to Birmingham.

Brilliant.

Talking of space, can anyone tell me the name

of the British Asteroid early warning system?

Look Up And Guess!

Bert!

Here's Jay.

According to The Mail, Jay and his wife

run the UK's International Spaceguard Centre for free

from their home after the Government

cut the funding to the National Space Centre

for the same task in 2012.

Jay says:

-Yeah, exactly.

-He also puts on a cape and fights crime

at the weekend!

-"Let's face it, I'm wonderful!"

-Yeah, lovely.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Let's see what else is behind Godfrey Bloom's Fridge Of News.

Fridge Of News.

BUZZER

Yes, Godfrey and Paul.

This is a statue of the noted cricket umpire Dickie Bird.

I'm not quite sure... It's in a northern town. Is it Barnsley?

But he... This is the finger there.

That's the signal for the batsman is out.

But people have been hanging things onto it after weekends

out in Barnsley.

And so they've got to make the statue higher.

They're going to suspend it from a helicopter at a cost

of £20,000 a minute, but it will be free from the revellers of Barnsley

who have been hanging all kinds of things on that outstretched finger.

It's kind of an invitation really, isn't it?

They're going to put it on more of a pedestal.

Completely right. Because according to the Telegraph:

Here is that statue again.

According to the Daily Mail what have people been

hanging on the finger?

-Presumably...

-It must be underwear.

-Yes.

And Miley Cyrus.

LAUGHTER

Condoms and pants in Barnsley. That's what you call heirlooms.

-What is to blame for this?

-People having fun.

-Alcohol.

-That must be stamped out(!)

-"Stop that."

The sculptor Graham Ibbeson said:

Who has been spotted cleaning the statue?

-Taking the dangling items off?

-Mr Dickie Bird himself.

Absolutely right. According to the sculptor:

LAUGHTER

This is the news that a statue of cricket umpire Dickie Bird is being

put on a taller plinth. Here is the statue.

The closest Yorkshire gets to a welcome sign.

Of course what you can't see is 22 yards away there is

a statue of Geoffrey Boycott refusing to walk.

LAUGHTER

Fingers on the buzzers, teams.

Let's see what else is behind Godfrey Bloom's Fridge Of News.

BUZZER

-It's Paxman.

-It is Pax.

VICTORIA: He said he doesn't vote.

He interviewed Russell Brand

and gave Russell Brand a hard time for not voting.

It's quite strange though because in the interview,

he kept using the phrase "can't be arsed".

He kept saying, "You can't be arsed to vote." You know,

it didn't quite ring true as a thing you would think Jeremy Paxman

would say and then a few days later he sort of came out and said,

"I gave Russell Brand a hard time but actually, I don't vote either."

And I wonder if he hasn't started thinking that

he wants to BE Russell Brand.

Yes. There's no other explanation.

Definitely.

-We're going to see him in necklaces by the end of the week.

-Yes.

In an interview he said:

I think he was just indulgent, wasn't he?

He just didn't ask him any questions and didn't challenge anything

and just smiled at him.

He just thought, "Gosh, you've got a beard as well."

If you watched the footage though,

Russell Brand is really flirting with him. It's sort of brilliant.

Paxman kind of melts under the charm.

Russell Brand is sort of tickling him and teasing him and going,

"Come on, Jeremy." It is, it's like watching Mr Paxman falling in love.

Do you know why he said he didn't vote?

He wasn't inspired by any of the choices available to him.

He found the choice of political parties unappetising.

That is incredibly depressing that he said that, really deeply depressing.

Not to cast aspersions on my fellow quiz show host.

I'm a big fan of Jeremy Paxman, but Russell Brand was

putting this forward in a kind of aesthetic of rebellion.

He built it in...

He said some quite exciting things. But preposterous about not voting.

But he was trying to kick ideas around and be shocking.

I think for Jeremy Paxman who wasn't trying to do that

and is a famously clever man, to just come out and say he

didn't like any of the parties and he didn't vote, disappointing.

GODFREY: He says, famously, he's got the answers all the time.

-That makes a huge difference, doesn't it?

-Only on University Challenge.

Oh... Does he do something else?

On Newsnight, I'm not sure he's got the answers...

Newsnight's too late for me.

LAUGHTER

-He interviews politicians. Have you never seen him?

-No.

I thought he just did that, you know,

smug thing he does with knowing the answers

and you want to slap him, don't you? Give me a rolled up magazine.

LAUGHTER

Godfrey, you quite like voting with your feet, don't you?

We've got an impressive demonstration of that.

Here you are with Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

The trouble is if you won't elucidate what was in your mind,

because you claim you can't remember, it's a bit difficult.

I can tell you what was in my mind but you won't let me speak

and it's £1 billion a month going where we don't know where it goes.

-I'm not interested in that.

-I know you're not interested.

I'm interested in why you used the phrase.

I'm saying you should be. Move on. Move on, there's a good fellow.

I'm not going to move on until we've got to the bottom of why you

-used this phrase.

-Well, if you're not going to move on,

I don't think there's much point in continuing it, is there?

-If you're not going to talk about serious issues...

-Are you giving up?

-There's no point in continuing it.

-Are you giving up, Mr Bloom?

I can't be bothered with you.

VICTORIA: That was a less flirtatious interview.

Yes, I can tell you, I do not fancy Murthy, or whatever his name is.

Why has he got an Irish name anyway?

-That's what I don't understand.

-Murthy, Murthy.

-Right, sorry.

VICTORIA: Sorry, look, I don't want to have a row

but why shouldn't he have an Irish name?

I mean, why shouldn't he? Why do you ask that question?

Because he's got a Welsh accent.

Geography is not his strong point.

Who's been doing his best not to bore the electorate in Toronto?

-The mayor.

-The mayor.

-Crack cocaine smoker.

-Exactly.

-Do you remember what his name was?

-Billy Gibbons.

-It'll do. Rob Ford.

That's it.

He recently admitted to having smoked crack cocaine

on one occasion:

Rob Ford is very keen to get

his hands on the tape of his crack taking.

Does anyone know why?

He's forgotten how to do it.

According to the BBC, Ford told a press conference:

I'm guessing it wasn't great, Rob.

Another fat politician has been in the news this week.

Who was that?

-The man who's just become Mayor of New York.

-No.

-A late politician, I suppose.

-Oh, yes. William Taft, is it?

-Exactly.

A very big man in real life

but being portrayed in the film by somebody more slim.

I glanced at it. It's something like that.

Former US president William Howard Taft. There's a picture of him here.

-Fantastic. I do like a high-waisted trouser.

-Exactly.

-Nothing wrong with that.

-Taft is in the news

because Hollywood is thinking of making

a King's Speech style film

about his relationship with his British dietician

and his battle with weight loss.

How did his girth affect him?

VICTORIA CHUCKLES

-Sorry.

-Sorry. What's going on?

LAUGHTER

Anyway. According to the Sunday Times...

LAUGHTER

According to the Sunday Times, Taft was so portly he:

In the plughole?

The Times also tells us:

What he needed was a pipe of crack.

Yes, this is the fallout from Jeremy Paxman's recent interview

with Russell Brand.

One recent interviewee to walk off

the Newsnight set was EU spokesman:

After Mr Paxman called him Mr Idiot.

To be fair that is a lot easier to say.

Meanwhile in Canada the Mayor of Toronto has admitted

smoking crack cocaine.

Asked to explain his behaviour the Mayor said:

Adding that he hopes to stand again in 2014.

Well, sit up at least.

Meanwhile a new film is to tell the story of a British dietician

and America's 22 stone president William Taft.

In 1905 President Taft wrote to his doctor:

Never mind you, fatso, what about the horse?

Which means at the end of this round it's five points to

Godfrey and Paul and six to Victoria and Ian.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you.

This week, Dick Van Dyke's car,

an egg in Fenchurch Street,

Tutankhamun,

and Gwyneth Paltrow's dinner.

BUZZER

Right, Dick Van Dyke recently was in the news about two or three months ago.

He's still around, he's still going, but his car caught fire

in America so that's the reason why, something about a car catching fire.

Tutankhamun, there was a report looking at the injuries

of Tutankhamun that suggested he may have been

killed on the battlefield by being hit in the side by a chariot.

The egg in Fenchurch Street Station, that must be about the heat.

Dick Van Dyke and the egg are both nearly cooked and Gwyneth Paltrow's

dinner is never hot enough so Tutankhamun is the odd one out.

You've got the wrong odd one out, but you're on exactly the right trail.

The egg's the odd one out because it didn't cause a car accident.

There was no car involved. It nearly did, but it didn't.

Somebody was driving along and saw an egg. "Is that an egg?"

They stopped just in time.

Dick Van Dyke's in his car going, "What's the matter, Mary Poppins?"

He's on fire. Tutankhamun said "Ah... Ugh!"

So the egg's the odd one out.

You're right about the fire.

-What fire?

-You're right about the fire.

LAUGHTER

Dick Van Dyke's car...

-Dick Van Dyke's car was on fire?

-Was on fire.

You were right about that. That was absolutely right, that's key.

That's key. So it's temperature, it's temperature.

Victoria, have you got any ideas?

OK, so it's relevant that there's fire.

This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow, it's the dinner.

They've all been exposed to fire except the egg,

-which cooked without it.

-That's right.

-Is that right? Well done.

-That is right.

That is right.

They've all caught fire unexpectedly except the egg

in Fenchurch Street, which was cooked to perfection by the glare

of the sun reflected by the Walkie Talkie building opposite.

I don't think an egg cooked on the pavement can be

described as cooked to perfection.

Yes, the same architect, who's Uruguayan, called Rafael Vinoly,

he also designed a hotel in Las Vegas with exactly the same problem.

Exactly the same thing.

It's worth remembering the name of that guy,

very much the G4S of architects.

King Tutankhamun, experts said the mummy of King Tutankhamun

spontaneously combusted after it was embalmed.

Scientists have spent years trying to establish

the cause of Tutankhamun's early death, variously attributing it to:

Although the most recent theory is that he was:

A virtual autopsy suggests his death was due to a trauma that is

apparent down the left-hand side of his body.

No doubt caused by having to spend his life standing like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed that her husband Chris Martin has only

twice made dinner for her

and on both occasions, they had to call the fire brigade.

Still, they and their children were unscathed.

It would be awful if they'd ended up with baked Apple.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh.

Oh.

Which means at the end of this round

it's five points to Godfrey and Paul and eight to Victoria and Ian.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication Regtransfers,

the magazine for the world of personal number plates.

We start with Simon Cowell reveals what?

Reveals his number plate.

You probably can't see Simon Cowell's number plate for all

the cigarette smoke billowing around his pregnant girlfriend.

-Did you see, there were pictures, did you not see that?

-People smoking.

There's a picture of him in the car, fagging away,

pregnant girlfriend in the passenger seat.

Unbelievable. I thought he was evil before, but...

-Simon Cowell reveals his baby name choice is Simon.

-Oh!

The baby is due in February.

Simon Cowell has already got a high chair, some tiny clothes

and a booster seat.

All he needs now is to get some stuff for the baby.

Next:

Is it complete as it is?

Just been hiding?

-VICTORIA: That's the Nazi art.

-Masterpieces, yeah.

I will give you that.

All the paintings were confiscated in the early 1940s, or as art

historians call it, Hitler's angry period.

LAUGHTER

Next:

Automatic weapons. An intrinsic knowledge of our local area.

-Personalised number plates.

-Personalised plates.

There we are.

I wanted my initials on my car but I didn't fancy splashing out

on a personalised number plate so I just bought

a second-hand AA van. Brilliant. Next:

-GODFREY: I know this.

-Go on.

-Pensions. They're going to get pensions.

Absolutely right.

Rightly so. Rightly so.

I can't believe nobody said truncheon meat.

-They did.

-That response is the reason why nobody did.

Next, George W Bush planning what?

A gallery, an exhibition. He's going to open an exhibition.

Yes, that's almost there.

He's planning to paint a series of p...

He's planning to paint a p... Oh, Lord!

He's planning to paint:

We used to accuse him of not being able to read.

According to the Telegraph, he is also known to dabble in landscapes.

As the people of Iraq know only too well.

And finally, David Suchet admits to what when playing Poirot?

-I know that one.

-What is it?

He's got a penny up his arse, hasn't he,

so it helps him mince the walk.

You're absolutely right, yes.

David Suchet admits to clenching a penny between his buttocks

when playing Poirot.

Which he learned from Laurence Olivier,

who I think had more than pennies up his arse at one stage...

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

-Right down to the line, Godfrey.

-Sorry. Sorry.

I know you won't ask me back.

So the final scores are Godfrey and Paul have eight

but Victoria and Ian are our winners this week with 12.

APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop, and Victoria Coren Mitchell,

Paul Merton and Godfrey Bloom.

And I leave you with news that to counter allegations that high

interest rates leave borrowers dissatisfied,

Wonga.com arrange a photo shoot with one of their happy customers.

Viewers of Doctor Who complain that the chase scenes

aren't as exciting as they used to be.

And on a trip to the local funfair,

there's a worrying sight for Bruce Forsyth.

Good night!