Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,

following a visit from health and safety advisors,

changes are made to the format

of the BBC's new celebrity diving show...

During a live broadcast from Sri Lanka, Nick Robinson

waits for a suitable moment to tell his colleague

that a massive tarantula is crawling up the back of his neck...

And on Saturday Kitchen, a food critic explains

the new equivalent of the Michelin star guide for curry houses.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who,

when recently asked who the most famous person in her phonebook was,

said "Elton and David".

Wow, Elton Welsby and David Dickinson? Respect!

It's Janet Street-Porter.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster who,

as a reporter for Live TV,

was once banned from Parliament for turning up there

with the News Bunny, a historic incident

recently condemned on Newsnight by the Cookie Monster.

Please welcome Richard Bacon.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

That's the two Eds rejecting his ideas. "Nope!"

Aw, look, the Crystal Methodist.

Do you know, that man's younger than me.

And look at him. Unbelievable. Anyone would think he took drugs(!)

Ex-chairman of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers,

what exactly has he done to embarrass the Labour Party?

What hasn't he done? Shall we put lots of "allegeds" in?

No! I've got a statement with a lot of "allegeds".

He has been filmed allegedly trying to buy a variety of drugs

from a dealer only days after being grilled

by a Treasury select committee.

Are you sure you shouldn't say he's allegedly been filmed

allegedly buying alleged drugs?

Because I don't think you can prove any of those things.

Allegedly, he was...

No, he was definitely grilled by the Treasury select committee inquiry.

And the bank definitely collapsed, so we can say that,

and he was definitely the chairman,

but all the other stuff is alleged.

Can we say anything if we say "allegedly"?

Allegedly he murdered a load of puppies

and threw them in the Thames.

What's amazing is that he got the job of running a bank

with absolutely no experience whatsoever.

Yeah, can you imagine a coke-sniffing idiot

running a major bank(?)

Is it one of the questions you would ask a Methodist preacher?

"Are you addicted to crystal meth?"

It's probably not on the standard form, is it?

I think it should be from now.

It was quite a cocktail of drugs, wasn't it,

that he was allegedly taking?

I think there was crystal meth. Yeah, ketamine, that other one.

Ian's favourite, meow meow. Meow meow.

Snuff! Bit of snuff there, Ian.

Unbelievable. RICHARD: What is ketamine?

JANET: Horse tranquiliser.

Richard's playing innocent(!)

"I don't know what ketamine is".

What sort of party is it where you want to tranquilise a horse anyway?

How can that be the highlight of the evening?

"He's nearly asleep. Hey-hey!"

I don't know about you, but I think any public figure

that's caught doing drugs, there should be no second chances.

That's just the three of us on the show, is it?

Yeah, well, no, me and Janet had a bit of a night out once and...

No, we won't get into it. No, I've never done Class A drugs.

I don't know about Richard.

No, you do know. You do know! You do know.

I definitely have.

Janet, have you ever been offered drugs?

Someone offered to tranquilise Janet at a party.

Very good.

This man, this was all on his record.

Ed Miliband put him on his advisory board.

Yes. For industry and business! Yes!

This man, he barely got Banking Part Ones.

He gave up to become a Methodist minister.

He knows nothing about banking.

He made a series of absolutely colossal mistakes, took the money.

He's been fired from a charity for fiddling his expenses.

He was removed from a local council for having gay porn...

Then he became governor of a primary school. Yes.

Perfect job(!) Yep.

This man was put in charge of a major bank,

and then proceeded to lose ?1.5 billion.

He's got to pay for his habit somehow.

But he does present tremendous problems for the Labour Party

because the Co-op is bankrolling so many MPs. I mean, how many is it?

32 or something.

Well, the Co-op Bank sponsors many Labour MPs.

Paul Flowers is part of the Co-op Bank's political...

Sorry, I had to reread this cos we changed it, cos it's legal.

Does it become more legal the closer you get to it?

By the time you're down there, it's a super-injunction.

Basically, someone at the bank...

the Political Strategy Working Group arranged for ?1.2 million worth

of loans to the Labour Party as well as ?50,000 donation to Ed Balls.

Maybe he's providing a public service, cos some of the texts

were extraordinarily grotty, and there was one text...

JANET: You mean you've never sent a grotty text

back in your coke-snorting days?

Thank you, Janet...

I bet when you were off your trolley, you sent a few embarrassing texts.

Well, it was pre-texting, actually.

Semaphore?

Semaphore signals. "I'm out of it."

Oh! They were...

Yeah.

I did send some deranged texts

but they were still less unhinged than your columns.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Jerry! Jerry!

They didn't end up in the tabloids, though.

Your columns always end up in the tabloids. That's the idea!

What else has emerged about Miliband and Balls this week?

Here they are having a staring competition in a hotel room.

Is that the e-mails? Yeah.

Was there some e-mail this week that said Ed Miliband's team

find Ed Balls' team a nightmare?

The rift came about because e-mails between their senior advisors

were sent by accident to a Tory MP

in a so-called "fat finger" incident.

They revealed that Miliband's team think Balls is...

..leading The Express to run the headline...

So it was sent to a Tory MP who had the same name as someone

within the party. There's an MP with your name.

Yes, there's a Conservative MP for South Norfolk

also called Richard Bacon.

In fact, it was that Richard Bacon that took the drugs.

I don't think you should say that.

Anyway, what scoop about Miliband and Balls

did The Sun startle us with this week?

It was that...

How extraordinary, people working together for all that time,

never been to the pub together.

No. Can't imagine it. No, neither can I.

Still with the Labour Party... Yes! ..who is this?

JANET: Oh, Denis MacShane! Yes, it was a Euro fiddle.

He claimed this money and he's admitted it

and we're waiting for sentence,

but it doesn't look good for him

because he's currently going out with Vicky Pryce.

Who's got an eye for blokes, hasn't she, really?

Yeah. Do you know what he called his actions?

Regrettable?

Inappropriate. Profitable.

He referred to them as this...

..although everyone else calls it this...

Yes, so he's recently been spotted squiring, er, Vicky Pryce...

Squiring?! Sorry. Sorry, I know, I don't know what century I'm in.

Are we in the 19th century?! Sorry, sorry. Courting.

Is that your posh pronunciation for screwing? What on earth is that?

Squiring. Squiring. Squiring.

I've been squiring you.

Yes, this has been a bad week for the Labour Party.

Former Labour councillor

and Co-op boss Paul Flowers was secretly filmed buying drugs.

According to The Telegraph...

I don't know. If you can trust random strangers you meet on Grindr

for sex, who can you trust?

Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed

ITV's News At Ten viewers this week?

No. Would you like to?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

'This is ITV News At Ten with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.'

Good evening, paedophiles...

Brilliant.

And people say commas aren't important.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Yes. This is Spain. The RAF...

That's the crystal meth that he was snorting. There he is.

That's Canada's Paul Flowers. Yeah, he's their version of our bloke.

It might be the same bloke, in fact. Rob Ford. Rob Ford. Rob Ford.

The Toronto mayor. Fantastic.

Can I ask you about Prince Charles first? Go ahead. Yes, 65th birthday.

Yes. It's related to international politics.

It's been an especially important week for Prince Charles. Why's that?

He went to Sri Lanka, didn't he,

to chair the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting,

and he stepped in for his mother. Yes.

Who is the Queen. Who is the Queen!

That's breaking news, by the way. Breaking news.

And Sri Lanka...

the government there have a terrible human rights record,

so it's a bit of a thorny issue for Prince Charles. Yes.

What, according to The Times,

was the trickiest test of his diplomacy skills?

He was given a cake. Cakes, it was cake. A 65th cake.

Was he given six cakes? He was given several cakes. No, not six.

Five cakes, including...

Crafted, according to The Times...

Well, he'll probably want to know they're all ethically sourced.

And if you're Paul Flowers,

a little bit of hash just sprinkled over the top.

Yeah, I was going to have hash in my first wedding cake.

Were you? Mm.

But the dealer didn't turn up.

Have I lived a very sheltered life? Well, it was the '60s.

This is a slight shift from your earlier statement. Yes.

A shift from your earlier statement, "I have never taken drugs".

No, I said never taken Class A drugs.

What I said was, it was 1967, Summer of Love,

I was going to have hash in my wedding cake. Is that an excuse?

Well... It was '67.

I've heard that excuse recently from a lot of broadcasters.

Actually, I made the cake and there was nothing in it,

but word must have got back to Chelsea police,

cos they raided my flat a few weeks later

and took the cake for forensic testing.

Did you ever get it back?

Yes, but it had holes drilled all the way through it.

Who DID mention Sri Lanka's dodgy human rights record?

RICHARD: David Cameron did. One man was not impressed, though.

JANET: Cricketer. The cricketer, Muttiah M-M-M...

Muralitharan.

His mates call him Bob. Um...

You're not... Muralitharan? Him! That's the badger. Yeah.

Good grief, he's pronounced the name of some foreign Johnny.

Quite a famous cricketer. Foreign Johnny?

I mean, your banter's from 1954.

It was meant to be an ironic reference to the fact that

we should try and be able to pronounce Sri Lankan names.

They are not that hard. I am much obliged, my learned friend. Thank you.

I refer you to my previous witness. Mr Whitehall.

Muttiah Muralitharan... Where were you on October the 24th...

between the hours of 5.30 and 7.30 on the King's Road?

I'd stolen a wedding cake and...

Where else has Britain been flexing its colonial muscles this week?

This was Gibraltar, wasn't it,

when a Spanish vessel strayed into British waters.

And our Navy had to see them off.

QUEEN'S VOICE: Please go away!

That was it, really. There is it.

JANET: Yeah.

It's the final vessel in the British Navy. Yeah.

There is it.

Technically, this almost went to war with Spain.

Yeah, almost went to war with Spain, but didn't quite.

How did they persuade the boat to leave?

According to The Telegraph, officers from HMS Sabre

told the captain of the Spanish vessel...

And the Spanish replied ...

So, what were the Spanish doing there, anyway?

According to the British Navy, "provocative incursioning".

However, according to them, they were "surveying the waters".

You say "tomato" I say..."tom-ato".

The Royal Navy source said...

Ramming a probe?

Yes, said Vice Admiral Julian Clary.

How have we been winding up the Spanish

recently in a footballing sense...

Ian?

Britain has encouraged Gibraltar to apply to become the newest

and smallest member of UEFA,

which would mean it would be able to qualify for European tournaments,

if it wasn't so rubbish.

Do you know what Gibraltar's biggest ever international win was?

1-0. 2-0. No.

3-0. Yeah, we could be here all night.

Gibraltar's biggest ever win is...

Although, to be fair, Sark's back four consisted of the postmistress,

a couple of goats and a tree.

Staying with international news,

who's been throwing their weight around in Toronto?

This is Rob Ford. Rob Ford, the mayor.

He's a bit out of control, isn't he? And they can't do anything about it.

They can't get rid of him and he's basically said,

"Yeah, I did crack cocaine, but I was completely pissed at the time."

That's kind of been his defence.

Haven't they got rid of him by now, though? Hasn't he gone?

No, no, he's still staying. Is he still clinging on?

They can't get rid of him.

People these days do resign at the drop of a hat.

It's hard not to slightly admire the guy, when he's this bang to rights.

He's been caught on video smoking crack cocaine...

So don't worry, Rob Ford, Richard Bacon is throwing his weight

behind you, so you're going to be all right.

Let me tell you the best fact of the week.

This is the best fact of the week.

When he admitted that he'd smoked crack cocaine,

his approval ratings went up.

Boris, if you're watching...

But how low were they?

It might be just the crack dealers going, "Yeah..."

Have you got the footage of when he ran around the Parliament...?

Oh, I have.

This is him running around the City Hall debating chamber

and knocking over a pensioner.

Buffet's open!

The Toronto Council had just stripped him

of most of his powers after it emerged that he had,

at various times, smoked crack on camera, driven while drunk,

sexually harassed a colleague

and talked on television about giving her oral sex,

racially abused a taxi driver,

and been caught in a hotel room with prostitutes.

In Italy, they'd probably make him Prime Minister.

APPLAUSE

His defence was good, as well. He said...

Yeah, but not all the mistakes at once! Not in one night.

You don't have the oral sex clip, do you, where he was talking about that?

We don't have that, the oral sex clip, no.

I'd forgotten we're on BBC One at nine o'clock on Friday.

Newsnight's got it at 10.30. Yeah.

Mark Austin's going to be showing it to all the paedophiles

that are watching.

Shall we have a look at a clip of Rob Ford in happier times?

It's open to debate.

There's people in there are for it, and people that are against it.

That's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.

BLEEP!

Oh! Oh!

This is a week of international turmoil, including mounting tension

around Gibraltar.

The Telegraph showed a map of the actual course round Gibraltar

taken by the Spanish survey ship.

So either they were deliberately provoking the British

or it was the captain of the Costa Concordia

trying to find his way back to Italy.

According to The Guardian, following his crack-smoking escapades...

As, in his case, a fat, red-faced man shouting, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

just looked like he was trying to organise a foursome.

Ian and Janet, here's another for you.

That's the former Prime Minster, David Cameron.

They're disappearing from history.

The Conservative website has been redesigned,

but during the redesign someone just pressed the delete button.

So everything from the last ten years has gone.

Yeah. How convenient. Yes.

So it's either an accident or a sort of psychological need to forget.

The Rob Ford system. "Delete, gone, it's not my fault."

All those pictures of Seb Coe and William Hague, Bullingdon Club.

Yes... Old friendships, all eradicated. Allegedly.

Allegedly, yeah.

And all Cameron's speeches about being environmentally friendly

and green, all that, and no-one can look up

and check anything from the past, from the Conservative website.

I mean, there are other... They're living in the present, aren't they?

Yeah, they've put it all behind them.

But the Tories have done something even more sinister. What is that?

They brought back John Major.

He's pronounced that social mobility has frozen, ground to a halt.

There's no chance of anyone like him getting back in the Cabinet.

And also that was echoed by Alan Milburn, spookily enough.

He said, in a speech in Norfolk...

To me, from my background, I find it hilarious.

I don't.

John Major's obviously woken up.

Why do you think he's suddenly made the speech?

Well, there was a period of shame in this country

after sleeping with Edwina Currie, it's ten years.

What proportion of the Cabinet

have been to public school? It's very high.

But they're not all that posh. Michael Gove is quite rough.

He's only been skiing, like, twice.

There was someone that sprang to the defence

of the super-rich this week. Who might that have been?

It was Boris... Yeah. ..who said

we should be fantastically grateful to them.

I don't think he meant the posh generally, just the rich. Yeah.

Because they pay vast amounts of taxes. Boris said...

Ugh!

No chance of Sir Jimmy Carr, then.

You don't care very much about the poor, do you, Richard?

What is the evidence for this hatred of the poor? Video evidence.

Fire away.

Extra, extra, read all about it.

I tell you what, I'm stuffed.

What is that?

What do you want? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!

Just, waiter, get a...get a cover or get a screen. It looks cheap.

He was acting for a charity. Yes, thank you, Ian.

It's called Square Meal.

He was pretending to be someone who didn't care,

as opposed to you, who just don't.

I... Damn!

Did you go to public school?

- Y-Y-Yes. - The way you said "Y-Y-Yes".

Either you did, or you bloody well didn't. So you did.

- Yes, I did. - Paul, did you go to public school?

No, I was found in a ditch outside a comprehensive.

You went to public school. Ian, did you go to public school?

Yes, I did, Janet. So that's 60% of this panel went to public school.

Yeah. Instead of 7%, which it should be.

So I suggest at least 53% of us leave.

This is the Conservative Party showing the country

that they really do care about winning the next election.

Like something out of George Orwell,

the Tories think they can erase all record of their speeches

just by deleting them from their own website. But they are wrong.

For example, here is one of David Cameron's broken promises from 2009.

Turns out they're cleverer than we thought.

According to The Independent,

the Conservatives run the risk of being reduced to...

"Count me in," said Paul Flowers.

Also this week, 75-year-old David Dimbleby got a tattoo.

Talking about the roses tattooed on Cheryl Cole's bottom, David Dimbleby said...

Well, no-one wants flowers near their bottom,

especially if he's off his face on drugs.

Paul and Richard, here's another for you. Ah!

Yes, this is Wales. Clearly.

Scottish... Scotland, Scotland, time, pendulum, calendar, dates.

Calendar, Scottish dancing. I don't know.

Have they printed a load of calendars with a month missing or something?

No. BELL

Magdalen College, Oxford.

It's about people within the calendar, the Scottish calendar.

There's no Scottish people in it. Yes! That's the one!

How was the calendar billed? "Scotland for the Scottish".

It's billed as the 2014 Men In Kilts calendar

and is said to be...

However, according to The Sun...

Janet, would you like to see some of the hot non-Scots? Yeah.

Show me some hot men in kilts. Here's Mr February.

And what tartan's he wearing?

It's sort of black. Yeah.

Maybe he's going to a funeral.

On a hot day. On a hot day. In Scotland. Quite honestly,

it looks like they filmed it in a car park or a dogging spot in Surrey.

Are you saying it's a place you recognise?

Let's look at Mr July.

It's the same bloke, isn't it? I think it's the same man.

Mr September.

April.

I wonder if they're not on Grindr, waiting for Paul Flowers' call.

All three of them?

It's very hard to get reception on Grindr in the countryside.

I'm told by someone that has Grindr.

What is Grindr exactly?

It's a thing where you...for men who are of a gay persuasion

to go on and find other men of a gay persuasion

who want to meet up and squire each other.

This is the 2014 Men in Kilts calendar costing ?9.99

which has outraged Scots everywhere.

POOR SCOTTISH ACCENT: "?9.99 for a calendar?!"

Johannesburg? Johannesburg, yeah.

And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL That's the John Lewis Christmas ad.

LAUGHTER

Is this about an overweight man getting stuck in a changing room

or something, or in a door, or...? No. The story is of the news

of a man called John Lewis, who has been mistaken for a shop

called John Lewis. How was the man mistaken for the shop?

People going in and having a look round?

Saying, "Does the price promise work here?"

John Lewis the man, an American computer science professor,

nipped in before the retail chain and registered the Twitter handle...

What sort of thing does John Lewis say when people ask him

questions about the shop? He's quite polite, I think.

Really polite. Very polite.

He says, "Thank you very much for getting in touch with me,

"but I'm not the shop." Yes.

Is he looking for a wife or something?

Why, are you interested?

No, he's not attractive. He looks like he'd enjoy the cake.

What have John Lewis recently spent ?7 million on?

That saccharine advert.

What do you think of ?7 million on that? It's disgusting.

And actually, last Sunday night,

when they played one advert after another during Downton Abbey,

at the end of the evening you just thought,

"Millions and millions of pounds wasted."

JACK AND IAN: On Downton Abbey!

APPLAUSE

If there was a man called Tesco's Haggerston,

why might he have copped some flak on Twitter this week?

Oh, I know about that. Yeah!

Isn't that the worst branch of Tesco, and it became a cult hit on YouTube?

Here we are. Not on YouTube.

What was it called? YouTube's for films, not for pictures.

All right, all right. No, I just...

Don't flaunt the fact you're half a century younger than me.

No! We were all just thinking, "Half a century?

"Bloody hell!

"She's in good nick."

Um...

He's called James Allan and he started creating a picture blog.

That's not very Christmassy, is it? Here's the stock levels.

JANET: Yeah. Here's the state of the aisles.

And here... here's the lunchtime meal deal.

I'm sorry. What is wrong...?

?2 for a can of Stella and an egg sandwich?

That's the best meal deal ever!

You don't know you're born, mate.

This is Mr John Lewis, who has been deluged with thousands of tweets

meant for the John Lewis department store.

He's responded very politely to all of them,

unlike 87-year-old Gloucestershire resident Ann Summers.

LAUGHTER

This year's John Lewis advert features a cartoon bear and a hare.

It cost ?7 million to make and it's based on Aesop's fable

about a gullible shopkeeper and a cynical advertising agency.

Also this week, Tie Rack has announced

it is to close in the UK, which is surprising,

as in a recession people need ties more than ever

for job interviews, court appearances and to hang themselves.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is this about a "selfie" becoming the latest addition

to the Oxford Dictionary? Yes, correct.

"Selfie" is the word of 2013.

Rembrandt used to do them.

Slightly longer, but it's the same thing. Word of the year.

There were some other contenders, though.

Fingers on buzzers if you can define them.

Firstly, showrooming.

BELL Vintage cars.

LAUGHTER

Oddly not.

To examine a product at a shop

before buying it online at a lower price.

Oh, yes, yes. Twerk.

Oh! Oh! Oh, no! My buzzer's not going off!

It's the blue one. Oh! On the wrong one. You're pressing the light.

Oh, no! It's partly an intelligence test, to be honest.

It's a sort of a dance, it's a backward movement,

it's a gyration, isn't it? Yeah.

Miley Cyrus, the twerking. She did the twerking.

The dancing. Ian, are you au fait with twerking?

It's everywhere.

Twerking Men's Clubs everywhere.

Everything.

Whistle while you twerk. Exactly.

We've all been there.

And we've got a daguerreotype here of Lord Palmerston doing it.

Binge-watch. Binge-watch? That's a word? Binge-watch.

That's a new word, yes, binge-watch. BELL

Binge-watch, it's on the BBC. It's after Autumnwatch. Yeah!

The new version. Watch people in city centres drinking too much

and then throwing up.

Bill Oddie get trashed on cheap beer

and then starts juggling with a dead badger.

Kate Humble drinks a lot of cider. JANET: Yep.

This week on Binge-watch... Oh, look, it's Paul Flowers in the bush.

I know what it is.

It's when you watch a lot of television,

like a box set all at once.

Oh, yes. Yes. You watch the whole thing together. Mm.

If it was me, it would be either Paul's wonderful documentary

about China or Ian's wonderful documentary about trains.

Thank you. You don't need a box set. It was just one.

It felt a lot longer. It's still bingeing. Felt like ten hours of it.

Some trains are slow, but you know what I mean.

This one has stopped and gone backwards.

Your documentary about internet trolls. Internet trolls.

I'd watch that. And you have a show on rambling.

I'll probably give that one a miss.

Um...

Going back to selfies, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,

this wonderful tradition began in 2002.

Who do they believe coined the phrase?

It was an Australian website. It was, yes. A drunk Australian.

As if there were any other.

A drunken Australian who posted on an online forum... Yes.

JACK READS OUT IN A BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT

South African again. Yes, Ian!

He was so drunk that he ceased to be Australian.

They all become South African in the end.

HEAVY SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT

Now you've got it! Now you've got it! It was a selfie!

Went a bit German at the end. German at the end!

GERMAN ACCENT: It was a selfie!

Jawohl!

Austrian rather than Australian. It's easy to get them mixed up.

Austrian. I went skiing on Australia once.

PAUL TAPS MICROPHONE

"Selfie" has been proclaimed the word of the year 2013.

Other new words this year were snout, shank and shower-bitch.

They're not new to us,

but it's the first time Chris Huhne's ever heard them.

A campaign has also been started

to save the English language's most endangered words.

They include...

A fairly useless list of words, unless you're trying to make sense

of Russell Brand's New Statesman editorial.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

Is that David Dimbleby? Yeah. It is.

The man with the tattoo? Yeah. Yes.

What else has he been in the news for?

I think I might be best equipped to answer this question. Why?

This originates from my radio programme, where I...

You have a radio programme? JANET: Oh, surely not!

Thank you for bringing that up.

2pm, Monday to Thursday, 5 live, Paul. Is it? Thanks for asking.

Yeah, it's good. Yeah, thanks.

You're very familiar with it. I'll make a note of that.

So glad. So glad you listen. David Dimbleby came on my radio show...

Hang on, I interviewed David Dimbleby last week on Loose Women,

so you're not the only person that David Dimbleby met

in the last seven days, thanks very much.

I met him too. Well...

Paul, do you watch Loose Women? Er... No.

The safest answer to that question. Is that another app?

I've been a mystery object.

I was a mystery object on it once.

JACK LAUGHS Mystery object.

So you've both met David Dimbleby. I was a mystery object on it once.

Paul was a mystery object on Loose Women.

No, I interviewed him on the radio... You've got a radio show?

2pm... I'm going to write that down.

2pm, Monday to Thursday, 5 live. It's excellent.

And he said in this interview that he wanted to slim down the BBC

and get rid of BBC Four and that it was crushing local newspapers,

and then that in itself made the newspapers. That's a bit boring.

Paul, have you ever seen Loose Women?

He owns local newspapers, though, doesn't he? He did, yeah.

This is what he said, according to the Daily Mail.

No, I mean, he did say this. It was in the Daily Mail.

He did a lot of moaning about cookery shows, didn't he?

Too many cookery and gardening shows.

I think he'll change his mind once he sees our new show, Binge-watch.

It's now time for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week.

Ming the Mollusc,

Glenn Greenwald's phone,

Burt Kwouk

and the E coli O157.

BUZZER

I think it's called Ming the Mollusc cos it's 500 years old

and dates back to the Ming dynasty.

Scientists found it, didn't know how old it was, killed it. Killed it.

And then discovered it was the oldest animal that I think has ever lived.

Oh, really? Yeah.

So you can get ill from eating those, E coli can make you ill. Absolutely.

Burt Kwouk, is it the actor

or is it the part he's playing in the Pink Panther films as Cato?

It's the actor? It's the part.

Cato. Give us a clue.

Containing the answer.

Oh, cold.

Cold. Oh, right, OK.

Yes, Cato was hidden in a fridge. Yes.

He was hiding in the fridge, Shot In The Dark, and he comes...

So it's about people being put in fridges.

The mollusc should have been put in a fridge and it would have survived.

Cato jumped out of a fridge, he was all right.

The E coli bacteria's all right if you freeze it.

It's the bloke with the phone.

His phone was hidden in a fridge. The fridge thing was right,

everything else was wrong, but I'll give you a point so we can move on.

The odd one out was Glenn Greenwald's phone... No, it wasn't.

Look, stop taking over.

You can do that on your radio show, which is on at 3.30...

You've got a radio show? Mondays, 2pm. I'm going to write that down.

The odd one out is Ming the Mollusc. Ming the Mollusc?

All the others have survived a stint in the freezer except for Ming the Mollusc,

who died. OK.

Glenn Greenwald, the former Guardian journalist who was involved in

the publication of the intelligence e-mails leaked by Edward Snowden,

regularly used to put his phone in the freezer. Why?

He was worried it would be bugged. For security, yes.

There's an even more effective place

you can put your phone to stop hacking.

Any ideas? Is that News International HQ?

A Martini shaker.

Oh, OK.

E coli 0157, one of the nastiest strains of E coli,

can survive in the fridge or the freezer. Um...

How old were you when you first got colonised

by an E coli bacterium, Janet?

Funnily enough, I had amoebic dysentery when I was seven.

And I was actually in... How on earth did you get that?

I thought that was... I got it in Fulham.

I grew up quite near you, Paul. Yes.

I think it's something you sent from Fulham Palace Road to my road.

Oh, I used to send out those parcels all the time.

Ming the Mollusc was an ocean quahog, a type of clam.

How easy is it to date a clam?

Well, you have to get them drunk first.

There's an app called Chowder. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

You've got to watch out for CHLAMYDIA, though.

No, I've never dated a clam before.

Pulled a few MUSSELS.

But if nothing else, this story brought out

a certain solidarity amongst headline writers.

What do you think The Independent, Mirror and the Mail all went with?

Clam Dead After 500 Years.

No. That wouldn't be very good, would it?

Shuts. Clam shuts.

Clam shell, clam shut, clam....

JANET: Tears, cry...

Ah, yes, yes, Clam Claps Mime Artist.

No! Are you taking the piss? You know what it is now?

ALL: No.

You do! This is what stupid people look like.

I've never seen anyone worse at charades than you.

That is a very good clam mime.

We got the clam bit!

The sad bit, the sorrow. What would happen? Oh, damn, it's such a...

A shame. Not a shame!

Calamity!

A calamity, Ian. That's terrible.

Why is it terrible? It's a CLAMITY.

I'm not mad, am I? You all got that.

What...what were the tears for?

How would that lead us to calamity as a pun?

Right, you're all going, you can be the panellists now. Come on.

Time now for the Missing Words round

which, this week, features as its guest publication

Hazardous Cargo Bulletin. We start with...

Is there nothing on television...

and have all my books been burnt?

Why was it printed on asbestos...

..and why am I breathing it in?

The answer is... Yep.

Ah, plus ca change et plus c'est la meme chose,

as they say in Cargo Bulletin.

Next...

Planning permission.

It's a career.

Basically, yeah.

Cliff's attempts to look young

have been scorned this week by the Daily Mail.

But as Cliff himself once remarked...

Yes, Cliff, only because you've managed to lose your Shadows.

That's actually a very good joke. Yeah.

It's just the way you did it.

Um, next...

JANET: A night of passion. Prepared me for government.

Something to do with politics. Life in the Coalition.

Well, yes, actually, technically, it is life in the Coalition.

Next...

Germany.

No, the answer is...

You're kidding. Here's an aerial view of the housing estate.

The swastika shape has already had a major effect on those house prices.

One buyer was recently gazumped by Nick Griffin.

Next...

Screws Volkswagen.

Bored robot... Yeah...

..switches off Janet Street-Porter documentary about rambling. Oh!

AUDIENCE GROANS

I'm sorry, Richard. That went down like a cup of cold sick.

Bored robot tops itself.

Yes. Yes?! JANET: No!

Bored robot killed itself. ROBOT VOICE: I've had enough!

Did it chuck itself into the Thames?

I don't know. Maybe it ran a bath and then just got in it.

Are you going to explain this story? I don't know. Like...

I've just been given... A robot killed itself?

How did he actually do it? Yes. How did it do it?

Its robot wife left him

and he couldn't keep down his robot job and all of his robot friends...

He was replaced by human beings.

If you kill a robot, is that murder? Well, it should be.

We could definitely write a screenplay, I feel.

ROBOT VOICE: Do not kill me. You are my master.

That's sad. It's Downton Robot.

Dalek, more like. Dalek Robot. Well, that's how they speak, don't they?

They don't. They only do it for the part.

You meet Daleks offstage, they're incredibly theatrical.

Was I any good, love?

Typecast - I'm always playing robots who kill people.

You still haven't told us how the robot killed itself. We're very keen to know...

I genuinely don't know...

Does anyone know how the robot killed itself? No. No, nobody knows.

RICHARD: Go on, yes.

MAN: The owners left the house

and the robot put itself onto an induction hob and melted itself.

Are you the owner?

So, the final scores, Richard and Paul have 10,

Janet and Ian have 5.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter, Paul Merton and Richard Bacon.

And I leave you with news that in Edinburgh

a prospective father waits anxiously outside a fertility clinic.

In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,

a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.

And in North Yorkshire, keen rambler Janet Street-Porter is told

that her favourite footpath has been blocked off.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Most people know it's the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who,

but I'd just like to point out

that he's not the only time traveller. Let's go back 20 years.

METALLIC THRUMMING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd