Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Robert Lindsay

and in the news this week there's a major scientific breakthrough as a

Japanese inventor develops an outfit that enables pensioners to twerk.

LAUGHTER

At the funeral of the world's strongest man,

his widow insists on leading the hearse.

LAUGHTER

And archive footage from the 1940s shows Ranulph Fiennes

and his first encounter with ice.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada who

studied city planning at university.

To be fair, there are a lot of comedians in city planning,

I mean, just look at Birmingham.

Please welcome Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE

Actually, I'm going there next week. I can't do that!

They've asked me to turn on the city lights!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No, they have!

After this, they'll ask you to turn them off.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada

who's studied city planning.

To be fair, there are lots of comedians in city planning,

I mean, just look at Newcastle.

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

I bet you're going to Newcastle too.

-Do your part again.

-Sorry?

Why don't you change it to Milton Keynes?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada who

studied city planning at university.

To be fair, there are a lot of comedians in city planning,

I mean, just look at Milton Keynes.

Please welcome Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who used to be a postman so we've

paid him by putting a bit of money in a card and sending it to Paul.

-LAUGHTER

-Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Johnson.

APPLAUSE

So, we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Alan, take a look at this.

Oh, yeah, Scotland's Future - there we are, it's blank.

Pounds, pound coins, things that Scots will lose,

they'll lose the Queen, the pound, and, and...

-Nigella Lawson.

-Nigella Lawson.

-That was not Nigella Lawson.

BBC and submarines, they'll lose BBC, submarines, the Queen

-and pound coins.

-All in one.

-They're not going to lose them,

-they're going to keep them!

-Are they?

-Yeah.

I know, same thing - lose, keep.

Well, what was the Sun's headline on Wednesday summing all this up?

How dare you suggest any of us read the Sun!

-LAUGHTER

-The headline read...

-Oh, anarchy!

-Anarchy in the UK!

If they gain independence, the Scots, what are they going to keep?

They'll keep the Queen and the BBC as well cos

they can't block the signals going across the border.

It's a source of much debate about whether Scotland would be

-able to watch Strictly Come Dancing.

-Yeah.

And I'd have thought that was pretty good for the No vote.

Are you not a fan of Strictly Come Dancing?

Well, I prefer Strictly Come Scottish Dancing.

-Which I think's going to be terrific. Don't you think?

-No.

Well, why don't they get to choose what they'll keep?

"We won't have that. We'll have the pound.

"Yeah, we'll have the Queen, uh-huh.

"Why don't you just take Irn Bru, pasties and John Barrowman?

"Like, take the things that we're happy to give."

LAUGHTER

Alex Salmond said that that he was going to keep the pound.

But wasn't that the same pound that the English used to bribe

the Scottish to joining the UK in the first place?

They didn't bribe them to join.

Scotland was bankrupt after the Darien Expedition.

They tried to set up their own empire,

lost all the money and the English bailed them out.

Is that the expedition that went to the Tropics with loads of blankets?

That's the one!

And whisky and stuff like they didn't figure it out?

It was bought, basically.

There's a lot of Burns' poems about this very thing.

You're looking thrilled, Robert.

No, I'm just wondering how long this programme goes on for.

LAUGHTER

-Until the Scots do or don't get independence.

-Exactly!

-Where do you stand, Alan?

-I stand for the, uh, for Great Britain.

-I stand for a No vote. For independence.

-Right, just checking.

Sorry, it's so rare to ask a politician what he thinks

and he says!

LAUGHTER

The Scots are going to have their own broadcasting service.

-What's that going to be called?

-It should be called the BBC.

Same as it is now. Run by Jim Nochty and Kirsty Waugh

and...everyone else.

They can have their own programmes - the Great Scottish Fry Up...

LAUGHTER

..Last of the Buckfast Tonic Wine...

..Who Do You Think You Are, Jimmy?

LAUGHTER

But it will come as an arrangement to the BBC to show

popular shows such as Doctor Who. Ah, now he's Scottish, isn't he?

-Was Scottish.

-Well...

-And will be Scottish again.

Actually, if you're watching Steven Moffat...

I am available.

(Grr, fucking thing, how does it open?)

LAUGHTER

Oh!

-Did you get that from...?

-No, I just lost that part, actually, but never mind.

-Definitely the Scottish version.

-Thank you.

-Looks like it came from that sex shop up Kennington Road.

-But, but...

-LAUGHTER

-Exactly.

-Guys, guys...

-Well, I just got one.

They're going a 20% discount at the moment.

When you were Home Secretary, did you know of that particular shop?

Uh, I am saying nothing until I have my lawyer here with me.

Who happens to be in the audience!

Your lawyer's in the audience?

Yeah, there's a whole bank of them over there.

There's 15 from the Murdoch empire. Hi, guys!

-LAUGHTER

-We're not going to mention the trial. Shh!

LAUGHTER

According to the Independent,

as regards the apportioning of the UK's £1.3 trillion debt...

So, more work for lawyers.

Well, in any break-up, it's the lawyer who profits most, I think.

We'll have the oil, you take the kids.

LAUGHTER

Canada's getting the oil?

She's not Canadian, she's one of us now.

Well, I'm Irish, I've always been Irish, but I talk like a Canadian.

That just happened by accident.

My parents didn't spend enough time with me.

LAUGHTER

Where are you a citizen?

-Ireland...

-Ireland.

-And Canada.

So, you don't get a vote here at all?

Well, I do over here because I live here so I can vote anywhere.

I vote in India, I vote everywhere...

You have to vote here or you go to jail.

- That's not what Russell Brand says.

- He's a politician, isn't he?

- Uh, after a fashion.

LAUGHTER

What are they planning to do to the post office

in an independent Scotland?

They say that they will put it back together again,

counters and letters, and will renationalise it.

Well, that's exciting talk for an old Labour man, isn't it?

-How many post office shares did you buy?

-I didn't buy any at all.

-We're among friends, come on.

-They were Royal Mail shares, weren't they?

I applied for them in the post, but they haven't arrived, uh...

LAUGHTER

There's also been a bit of a clash over an independent Scotland's

future immigration policy this week, what's that about?

What's the issue?

Well, Scotland have said that...like a lot of these things...

we'll join up to the EU, but we won't join the Euro

and we won't join the Schengen Agreement.

Um, which means you have to take immigrants from anywhere.

Immigration is obviously an issue close to the

heart of the Daily Express.

On Wednesday, they asked their readers to vote...

And, as always with the Express,

they went to great lengths not to influence their readers in any way.

LAUGHTER

So, what was Cameron doing to emphasise

his British credentials this week?

I'll tell you. He was at the...

LAUGHTER

He was at the British Curry Awards.

Here he is drinking lager in the traditional Etonian manner.

LAUGHTER

-What did he call Nick Clegg this week?

-He didn't call him at all.

He never calls him!

-LAUGHTER He called him a lazy...

-Oh!

Was there an F at the beginning of it? Yes, yes.

-There was an F somewhere.

-Yes, there was.

He called him...

A liberal democrat!

An idle fucker!

-Where's that from, Robert?

-My script. What are you talking about?

LAUGHTER

-That's why he's reading it out.

-"Where's it from?"

-He wouldn't be saying it otherwise.

-Do you want to see a picture of

-a train that looks like David Cameron?

-Yes, please.

LAUGHTER

It's from Thomas the Tank Engine, yes.

Are you sure that's not David Cameron?

Sorry, I'm determined to get this apart.

We were talking earlier...

The special 50th anniversary of Doctor Who went out last weekend.

Yeah, nobody could have noticed. The Beeb didn't mention it much!

Not at all. And BBC Three joined in the fun with a live link up with

two members of One Direction in America.

-Shall we see how that went?

-Yeah.

-Let's have a look.

You are now live.

You can speak to Matt Smith and you can speak to Jenna and Steven

and John Hurt. What are your questions, boys?

ECHO: "You are now live, you can speak to Matt Smith

"and you can speak to Jenna and Steven and John Hurt.

-"What are your questions, boys?"

-Which are the...?

We've got them on our little presenter cue card here.

Now, would you like to read the first question.

-LAUGHTER

-No, it's all right.

It didn't carry on like that.

No, it just got much worse!

Boys, have you got any more questions?

ECHO: "..television and the Doctor could do anything,

"but we can't rid of the delay to LA. It's incredible.

"Boys, have you got any more questions?"

Yeah, I personally have been a huge fan of Doctor Who...

ECHO: "..we can't get rid of the delay..."

What is your favourite ever Doctor Who moment?

ECHO: "..we can't get rid of the delay..."

-It's not working!

-ALL VOICES MIX TOGETHER

It's not working. So...!

INCOMPREHENSIBLE MIX OF VOICES

If we tweet you, it might be a lot easier.

Let's give it up for One Direction, everybody.

Clearly, they weren't sharing the same time or dimension.

LAUGHTER

I don't know, I think that's the most coherent I've ever seen them.

LAUGHTER

This is the SNP's blueprint for the break up of Britain.

Alex Salmond proposes that the BBC is

replaced by the Scottish Broadcasting Service, which

will broadcast different programmes from those shown in England.

So, much like next year's World Cup.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Katherine, take a look at this.

-Oh, those are minions!

-That's the Chancellor going down a mine.

Oh, people raised money to put him down there.

LAUGHTER

It's the government U-turn over the cost of payday loans.

Yeah, we were getting there.

So, what...yeah, you were there. What has George Osborne done?

He's decided that the market doesn't always work.

He's right, isn't he, Alan?

He's decided that he will follow Labour's policy of capping

-the interest on payday loans.

-Labour policy?

-Who is getting all the credit?

-Stella Creasy.

Stella Creasy, the Labour MP for Walthamstow.

George Osborne paid tribute to

her in the House of Commons for campaigning on the issue.

So, does Ed Balls not get any credit?

He gets credit for a very good lasagne that he

cooks on a regular basis...changing the subject!

-Do you feel he should get more credit?

-I do.

Oh, credit in what sense? LAUGHTER

Even though he took your job?

-He didn't take it. I mean...

-You gave it to him.

-Yes.

-Right.

-And has he repaid you for that?

-He thanks me every so often.

LAUGHTER

With a lasagne.

LAUGHTER

George Osborne was also trying to head off a sneaky attack from whom?

-Ed Balls.

-No.

-Ed Miliband.

-No.

-Lord Lucan.

-No.

-Frank Lampard.

-LAUGHTER

The Archbishop of Canterbury.

Frank Lampard's the Archbishop of Canterbury?

-LAUGHTER

-When did that happen?

Well, he was thought to be organising

-a House of Lords rebellion on payday loans.

-Oh.

Who else has stuck the boot into capitalism this week?

-The Pope.

-Yes!

-Must be.

-Even higher, Pope Francis. He said...

Anyway, he wants the Catholic Church to get stuck into poverty

a lot more and become...

A bit like someone taught by nuns.

LAUGHTER

Who's been saying greed is good this week?

-Boris.

-Boris Johnson.

-What did he say?

-You can take advantage of the thick people.

LAUGHTER

16% of us are very thick...

He said, "Greed can be good as a valuable spur

"to economic activity." He was delivering...

She can't do it herself these days.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what. Is it a good time to play with

-the greed-on-meter?

-Yes, always a good time.

-What is the greed-on-meter?

-Well, let's have a look.

GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

# Chickety-cha! #

Buzz in when you know what the greedy company logo is.

OK, so spin the greed-o-meter.

BUZZER

-That's the logo for RBS.

-Correct.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Are we dumbing down on this show?

-No, no, no, no, no!

RBS, what have they been doing?

Vince Cable has an advisor who's been investigating this

and he says they've been deliberately driving small businesses

out of business in order to profit.

Given that we own most of RBS,

-they probably shouldn't be trying to bankrupt us.

-Yes.

-That's not really what banks are for.

-No.

They're just meant to bankrupt the whole world.

Yes, well, this week it was revealed that RBS were accused of

intentionally causing companies to fail

and then buying up their assets on the cheap.

Oh, it makes you long for the good old days

when bank managers stuck to crystal meth and rent boys.

LAUGHTER

Let's have another spin of the greed-on-meter.

I don't know what that one is.

Anything the government doesn't want to do,

it gets Serco to put in a ridiculously small bid for it.

Then they fail to do it properly and then go back to the government

and we have to pay them again.

They're a classic case of outsourcing drivel.

Would the lawyer be interested in anything you've just said?

LAUGHTER

They just lost the contracts for ruining...

Sorry, running three prisons in Yorkshire. Why?

Did all the prisoners run out one evening dressed in burqas?

Well, no...

No, that's G4S. Oh, sorry, areas of expertise.

That's where it links up, because they've been investigated along with

G4S in the suspected fraud case where companies have charged

the government large sums of money for tagging prisoners who were

back in prison, abroad or dead.

Or dead! And if they're dead, they should be voting in Falkirk.

They should be.

This week saw the departure of the boss of Serco,

the scandal-hit security group who've been...

Although, in the case of Jimmy Savile,

you can't be too careful.

LAUGHTER

And another spin of the old greed-o-meter, please.

BUZZER

Amazon.

The people who work for Amazon are given very,

very strict timings to pick up all the various bits of parcels

and gifts that have been ordered.

And they've got to carry around this sort of machine which bleeps out how

much time they've got left, so it's basically about people

working very, very hard for very little money in Amazon.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

This week, Amazon was accused of treating its workers harshly,

but they do give them useful feedback, for example,

based on your previous history,

you may enjoy stitching trainers for Nike in Cambodia.

LAUGHTER

So, let's fire up the old greed-on-meter again.

CREW MEMBER: (Just a moment...)

It's a note from the lawyer!

LAUGHTER

(Don't let Ian say anything else!)

LAUGHTER

Is that a stop or is that note or...?

-A sacking?

-No!

LAUGHTER

Robert's got the Doctor Who gig!

LAUGHTER

So, let's fire up the old greed-o-meter again, shall we?

BELL RINGS

Goldman Sachs - they're greedy cos they're a bank.

LAUGHTER

They were the advisors to the government on the Royal Mail's

sell off and it turned out that they made a big profit on the back

-of the advice they gave and the price the shares were sold at.

-How?

Well, they said, "Keep the price low,"

and then the taxpayer actually missed out, hugely, cos we

didn't get any of the money and also they bought a lot of the shares.

-Oh, is this insider trading...?

-Oh, how dare you?!

-What?!

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to keep you out of prison.

You'll end up being supervised by Serco!

Does anyone know where Goldman Sachs are registered as a business?

The Bahamas.

-No.

-Liechtenstein.

-Switzerland.

The US State of Delaware.

Are there special tax breaks in Delaware?

They are very flimsy, even the Cayman Islands have

complained that they are playing fast and loose with regulations.

LAUGHTER

Goldman Sachs are known as the Vampire Squid.

I'd like one of those for Christmas, if that's possible.

You can get it on Amazon.

LAUGHTER

OK, finally, has anyone seen the latest financial scandal

-brewing in Brentwood?

-No...

-This is where Eric Pickles is the MP.

Have a look then at this.

LAUGHTER

So, let's take one last look at the old greed-on-meter.

BUZZER

Uh, taxis, London taxis are going to be converted to run on gas.

-Are they?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Why are the big energy companies in the dock again this week?

This isn't about putting up the energy prices,

that was a couple of weeks ago so it's not about that.

-Unless they've done it again.

-Yes.

And if you're watching the repeat, they've just done it again.

LAUGHTER

If they can cap payday loans, why can't they cap energy prices, Alan?

-Exactly.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

It's been revealed that last winter 31,000...

If only politics was that easy.

LAUGHTER

Is there anything else you'd like to say to the British people?

LAUGHTER Nope.

It's been revealed that, last winter, 31,000 people,

elderly people, died from the cold

while the energy firms made profits of £1.2 billion.

The energy firms were slammed as immoral by the

Chair of the Fuel Poverty Advisory group, a man named...

Well, it takes all sorts!

LAUGHTER

Pretty unfortunate surnames tonight -

Lickorish, Balls, Sturgeon, Salmond - what show do you run?

LAUGHTER

So, at the end of that round, we have...

-two points each.

-Excellent.

APPLAUSE

So, round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I just had to break the tension by buzzing.

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

This is Berlusconi, he's wiping the cocaine from Putin's nose.

Um, he's been offered citizenship, that's the rumour.

Actually, no, he's asked him to be the Russian Ambassador to the Vatican.

Yeah, and that's how you get citizenship and you become immune.

So, why is Putin being so helpful to Silvio Berlusconi?

Cos he recognises a fellow leader in peril.

Actually, according to the Daily Mail, Putin...

LAUGHTER

Can he be any more of a gay icon right now?

Look at those eyes, just piercing.

He professes to not like the gay thing so much.

He's definitely in denial, he's so far deep in denial.

I don't even think the bed was named after him,

it was just one of the beds had been pooed in.

LAUGHTER

-Alan, have you met Berlusconi?

-No, I wasn't at any of those parties.

No, no, I was at a Wonga Wonga party, but, uh...

LAUGHTER That's a completely different thing.

Also, this week, what did a Chinese lady transform herself in with

the help of a fake plastic wart and some platform boots?

Birmingham.

LAUGHTER

Mao Zedong.

LAUGHTER

What won't her husband do?

Won't climb over the Great Wall on a Friday night?

LAUGHTER

-Sleep with her.

-That's what I said.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi is threatening

to become Vladimir Putin's right-hand man in the Vatican.

I'm not sure what exactly attracted Silvio Berlusconi to Russia, but

I fear he may have misinterpreted the words "Pussy Riot."

LAUGHTER

Also, this week, tensions have risen in Gibraltar over

the opening of a diplomatic bag.

It was a bit of a shock for the Spaniard who opened

the bag as out tumbled a grateful British spy saying,

"Cheers, mate, I zipped myself in by mistake."

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS

BELL RINGS

That is the wonderful Nigella Lawson.

And she is wonderful, but it's the allegation that Nigella Lawson

may have been putting too much white flour in her brown bread.

LAUGHTER

This is what bothers me about the story -

it completely deflects from the issue.

Charles Saatchi was pictured with both his hands around her throat

and, all of a sudden, because she may have been using drugs,

he is justified in doing so. No matter what she did, he is not.

OK, so where did the allegations come from, then?

APPLAUSE

The allegations come from an e-mail discovered during

the court case, which is

actually trying two of their former assistants for defrauding them.

He's put an e-mail in saying, "She was off her face on coke for

"ten years, but I didn't notice

"and I only discovered that she was on coke shortly after she left me."

LAUGHTER

Saatchi also called his ex-wife by a clever nickname in the email.

Anyone know what that was?

Oh, all of a sudden, he's writing headlines for the newspaper.

-He called her Higella.

-Higella.

Although, the Metro went for...

-LAUGHTER

-I know.

Which, interestingly, Private Eye ran as a headline

for a picture of David Cameron when he was burnt on the beach.

LAUGHTER

We should point out that the Grillo sisters deny all the charges.

So, come on, fingers on buzzers, teams, please.

PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS

BELL RINGS

-That's Heathrow Airport.

-Correct. Which terminal?

-Five.

-Correct.

It's the new one and they've found out that

-you can't change the light bulbs.

-I know.

LAUGHTER

-Yes!

-Well, the ladder's not tall enough, that's why.

Either that or it's going on holiday.

Is the ladder going on holiday?

According to the Daily Mail, since the terminal opened in 2008,

not a single bulb has been replaced and...

LAUGHTER

It's like my Christmas tree!

Which might explain why baggage handlers mistake the words

"New York" for Kuala Lumpur.

LAUGHTER

-What is the solution?

-They're using a circus company.

I think it's Cirque du Soleil.

Serco!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And what are Brussels sprouts helping to light up?

My life.

LAUGHTER

-Easy!

-I love Brussels sprouts! I always have.

-Whoa.

-They're delicious.

You can make them in a nice butter sauce. Do you like Brussels sprouts?

It's an audition for Nigella's show!

LAUGHTER Maybe.

Well, a team of scientists have managed to use sprouts to

power a battery, which is

lighting a Christmas tree on London's South Bank, according to

Sean Miles, one of the scientists behind the sprout battery.

HE BABBLES

LAUGHTER

Sean, you idiot!

LAUGHTER

-Well, that was good timing.

-There can't be anything wrong with that.

You know, the nice thing about doing a long run in a show

is that you've got, you know, you can change it from night to night.

The thing about these things, you've just got the...

SNAPS FINGERS

-One chance.

-Well, obviously not.

LAUGHTER

Apropos, out of nothing...

Have you seen the way Newsnight have begun introducing guests

in an unsubtle way? Here's Will Young.

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS

-BUZZER

-Yes?

It's a story in the Daily Mail that is absolutely fictitious

and it's been a disgraceful story,

but it says that Rupert Murdoch no longer talks to Tony Blair

and won't take his calls and it relates to his wife.

Yes, this is the news that Tony Blair has fallen out with

Rupert Murdoch amid rumours that he may have

secretly met his ex-wife, Wendi Deng.

Now, we, for legal reasons,

must point out that Blair's friends told

the Mail On Sunday that the relationship between him

and Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife was entirely innocent and above board.

I thought you were going to say that he denied

the relationship between Tony Blair and Rupert Murdoch,

which was never innocent, was it, Alan?

-Why are you asking me?

-Well, you were in the Cabinet.

They must have told you something at some point?

I never saw Rupert there once.

I thought he sat in on Cabinet in the Blair years.

I thought it was Tony, Gordon, Rupert, and then you did the tea.

Yeah, it was... LAUGHTER

Alan, you know Blair. Do you think he might dig-Deng? Sorry, ding-dong?

Sorry!

LAUGHTER

Are we in the section of the show that'll never be broadcast?

LAUGHTER

From the dirty digger to a grave-digger.

Why did this man lose his job?

Because he smiled and it was thought for him

to be irreverent to be smiling.

-He said his hand was up there to shield his eyes from the sun.

-Yeah.

And that he wasn't being in any way disrespectful.

I mean, I think it's...I'm on his side.

- I'm worried about his other hand.

LAUGHTER

This is the claim that Tony Blair secretly met Wendell...Wendell?

LAUGHTER

-Wendell Holmes!

-Wendell and Wonga, I was going to say.

You obviously know her better than we do.

LAUGHTER

This is the claim that Tony Blair secretly met

Wendi Deng behind Rupert Murdoch's back.

Any suggestion that Tony Blair has been

involved in an extramarital affair is based on unsubstantiated

rumour and no solid evidence whatsoever.

Still, people have gone to war for less.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GROANS

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's Ian and Katherine with five

-and Paul and Alan with four.

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Paul and Alan, Ed Miliband, Prince Charles,

the Israelites and Dale Irby.

Is it something to do with red?

It's to do... Lobbs. Charles Lobbs.

Lobbs, shoes. Make of shoe.

Have you just given us the answer?

-Sorry, darling.

-Quite all right, love.

No love, darling, not at the moment.

If you read the answer out before we've given it,

-we don't get any points.

-I know, I know.

-And points mean prizes.

-Points mean prizes.

-You take this seriously, don't you?

-Of course I take it seriously!

LAUGHTER

I thought it was light entertainment, light and frothy.

-Oh, no!

-No.

-Where from, darling?

-STAGECREW: Just from here.

Acting.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Overacting.

APPLAUSE

They've all worn the same clothes.

This man always wears the same clothes in photographs.

He was in the news. Charles always wears the same pair of shoes.

The Israelites, they couldn't change their clothes.

The Egyptians gave them no time to pack.

And Red Ed only wears red underneath his clothes.

Almost, Ian, almost.

They've all worn the same clothing for four decades

apart from Ed Miliband.

On Desert Island Discs, the Labour leader admitted

he always wore a purple jumper and white trousers to discos.

It's not the most controversial thing

Ed Miliband's done as regards clothing.

That was when he slipped into his brother's shoes at the last minute.

What was Ed's favourite song to dance to in those days?

-SINGS:

-The Israelites.

-It was A-ha.

-Yeah, it was Take On Me by A-ha.

Is it a worry for Labour that Ed

doesn't have the sex appeal of Nick Clegg?

And Dale Irby is our gym teacher who's worn the same outfit

for the school yearbook photo for forty years

until he retired this year.

-LAUGHTER

-Here's Dale in 1973.

And here's Dale in 2013.

Let's have a look at all the other photos. Have a look.

There they all are, and he's suffering from a combination

of two medical conditions.

He's got BOCD.

Ian and Katherine, here are yours.

Iain Duncan Smith, the seagulls in Herne Bay,

Beyonce and Northerners.

LAUGHTER

Well, I know that Beyonce was recently banned from the pyramids

because an important man in Egypt did not like her.

He said she was stupid.

I know that people in Herne Bay were banned from feeding

the seagulls for the opposite reason,

because they were so intelligent and they were overrunning the area.

Iain Duncan Smith, has he been banned?

Should be.

Iain Duncan Smith was kind of accused of being stupid by John Major.

-Wasn't it Osborne?

-That's right, by Osborne.

So is this about people being accused of being stupid?

The Northerners are the odd ones out.

And Beyonce's about to make a guest appearance

in Last Of The Summer Wine.

Nora Bootie.

They've all had their intelligence questioned

except the seagulls in Herne Bay.

According to the Metro...

LAUGHTER

These are no ordinary seagulls.

The Herne Bay Neighbourhood Watch services' Larissa Reed,

she's getting very worried.

Now, what they need, these seagulls, is a charismatic leader.

Step forward...

..Ken Livingstone Seagull.

It sounds ridiculous. You wait until you live with raccoons.

If raccoons were in the UK, we wouldn't be here.

They've got opposable thumbs, they're not afraid,

they're as big as dogs,

they can open bins, unlock doors, they can do it all.

Can raccoons get the remote control and change the channel?

-They absolutely could.

-Bastards.

I hope they're watching tonight, that's all I can say.

What is 71-year-old Herne Bay resident

Ms Dina Wilson now reduced to?

Gullibility.

-Seven stone four.

-Hanging out the washing with a colander on her head.

PAUL LAUGHS

Beyonce was called "stupid"

by Egypt's former Minister of Antiquities,

the controversial archaeologist, Zahi Hawass,

who was showing her the pyramids.

And she was showing him "haw-ass".

Anyway, in his Yorkshire Post column,

Sir Bernard Ingham accused Northerners of...

..for saying they'd never vote Conservative.

True, they're not all la-di-da.

Eric Pickles is just "la-di".

Which means at this end of this round,

it's Ian and Katherine with seven

and Alan and Paul with five.

APPLAUSE

KATHERINE AND IAN CONFER

So, time now for the Missing Words Round

which this week features as its guest publication...

The magazine of tiles and architectural ceramics.

We start with...

What?

Has introduced a talking weasel into number 72.

Is there a whole weasel family?

Yeah, they've moved in. The Weasels.

Do they say, "Leave it out!"?

No, no, they're not cockney weasels.

In fact...

Next...

What?

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

-That's very profound, Alan.

-Thank you.

You don't know the Weasels at number 72, do you?

This is a British couple intending to travel to San Jose, Mexico.

According to The Sun...

That's actually nearer than Ryanair's flight to San Jose.

Next...

What?

Darwin dumped on the Galapagos.

It's a very old story.

Darwin dumped weasels at number 71.

"Here you are, evolve", he said.

This is the canoe man John Darwin who broke

the terms of his parole to visit Anna in the Ukraine.

Next... What?

Not more slaves.

Is it Julian Assange?

Next...

What?

I'll look at my life in a spiritual sense

and realise that perhaps it will be best for everyone concerned

if I retreat to the golden plains of Peru

where I will contemplate the universe

and the enormous hum that comes from the...

Oh, it's too big for that bit, isn't it?

Is it, "I'll go to Chiswick?"

This is part of the expenses scandal with Nadine Dorries

using taxpayer's money to employ her daughter as her secretary.

According to The Sunday Mirror...

Even worse, she was going to claim for the nail.

Next...

What?

Produce a book of cartoons for the Christmas market?

Ever make anyone laugh.

Ooh!

..give away...

-Tiles!

-..tiles?

Let's have a look at them.

I'm not sure what's going on here.

Willie Rushton drawings, aren't they?

Gosh, this must have been in the '60s.

Desperate for readers even then!

Next...

Compassion.

Richard III's bones.

-Saint Peter's bones.

-Yes.

According to The Telegraph, the Pope showed Saint Peter's bones to

mark the end of the Vatican's Year of Faith.

Year of Faith?

What have they been doing for the last 2,000 years?

Next...

-What?

-Spanish! It's always Spanish.

People get banged on the head, eh, buenos dias.

No.

Finally...

What?

Badgering causes the Weasels to move out of Coronation Street.

Monty Don got involved in an argument on Twitter over

the badger cull.

According to the Farmer's Weekly, the row began when...

A badger march?

Well, that's the time to cull them, surely?

Come on.

So the final scores are...

Ian and Katherine with seven.

And Paul and Alan have...

-eight.

-Hey, what?

Yes, but, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

He's saying, "What do you mean this train doesn't go to Primrose Hill?"

"Are you lonely of Chatham?"

On which note we say thank you to our panellist Ian Hislop

and Katherine Ryan. Paul Merton and Alan Johnson.

And I leave you with the news that at the National Theatre

as she reprises her role as Her Majesty the Queen, Helen Mirren

regrets not employing her regular make-up artist.

In Nevada, a test pilot makes his way towards

the cockpit of the most sophisticated stealth bomber yet.

And as the USA's national debt spirals out of control,

President Obama is accused of squandering taxpayer's money

on his Christmas party hat.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd