Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke. In

the news this week The runner-up graciously concedes defeat as the

winner of the 2013 Twat of the Year Award is announced. The winner of

the 2013 Twat of the Year award is announced. After four of the Spice

Girls refuse another comeback tour, Gerri Halliwell starts rehearsals

without them. There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs

she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe. On Ian's

team tonight is a Conservative MP who, at university, studied

Classical Civilisation and Mesopotamian Archaeology. So, he's

one of the more forward-thinking members of the Tory party. Please

welcome, Tim Loughton MP. And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was

recently described as a leading light of the new wave of niceness in

comedy. What a sick-making load of old bollocks. Please welcome prize

arsehole, Miles Jupp. Should I be clapping that? And we start with the

bigger stories of the week. Paul and Miles, take a look at this. This is

David Cameron in China. He's very interested in red carpets and he's

been shown a lot of them. MILES: He loves a footwell. "Ah, so the feet

go there!" So, yes, he's in China, isn't he? He's selling us to the

Chinese. Well, they own a lot already, don't they? They own

Weetabix. Do they? I found that out the other day. Weetabix! Every time

you eat one you're helping the Red Army. That's one way of looking at

it. They own quite a lot of government these days. Not allowed

to say what we like about the Dalai Lama. No, that's right...well. Have

you noticed, on the menus, at every dinner for at least 5,000 people

they have laid on for the Prime Minister this week, they've had

bamboo fungus on the menu. Apparently a delicacy. Yes. I think

it's like Polonium. They're obviously drip feeding him this, to

condition him, and when he comes back at the required moment they can

press the button and say "Kill the Dalai Lama", or whatever it is.

You're quite bitter about this, aren't you? No. Because he did fire

you, didn't he? Who, the Dalai Lama? Yeah. You used to be a monk. I've

never been a monk. The haircut wouldn't suit me. You would make a

good monk. No! He's halfway there. I don't look good in orange, either.

Oh, I don't know. I can see you setting fire to yourself. I was

trying to be nice, you... You were trying to be nice! You suggest he

sets fire to himself. He's on your side. We've only been going for two

minutes. Who has got a can of petrol? The Prime Minister told you

not to meet the Dalai Lama, and then you resigned, didn't you? I didn't

meet the Dalai Lama at the time, no. You got all that wrong. Oh, well,

you can set fire to yourself, then. I met the Dalai Lama. He's a lovely

man. I'm sure he's charming. He chuckles a lot. He's up at three

o'clock in the morning, every day. Did you now that? I didn't, no.

Fantastic man. MILES: Is that to meet you under cover of darkness?

He's got a very difficult paper round. And what can we sell to

China? Well, they've got plenty of red carpet, that much we have

established. I don't know. Things they don't have. According to the

Metro, David Cameron signs the deal to send ?45 million worth of pig

semen to China. He did well to pull that off. Yes. I don't know how

expensive this commodity is, so whether ?45 million is a lot, or

just a thimble full, I've no idea. What did they refer to Britain as It

said we were an old country not very important, we were good to have a

visit and maybe get an education. But not a big deal any more for

them. Yeah. Time to burn the summer Palace again. Is it the cold weather

putting you in this mood? You want to set fire to everything. Actually,

there's a funny, buzzing, noise. Could someone turn their phone off,

please? I'll bet it's Tim. Shit. Yes, that's me. See, I knew it...

Busted. Yeah, it's the Dalai Lama. I know, Ian, why don't you set fire to

his phone? What was David Cameron doing on Weibo? It's Twitter, isn't

it? He got 150,000 followers within a few minutes, and then, the first

thing he got back, somebody said "Mr Prime Minister, are you bringing

opium with you?" That's a good folk memory, the last time Britain was

big, we were shipping in narcotics on mass. We should send in some of

our celebrities. No, he appeared on Chinese telly, with his new two

words, "kow" and "tow". They're Mandarin. He did say something very

impressive, have you got a clip? I don't know if we've got a clip of

him saying something impressive. All right, it's just Chinese. No, we

haven't. What did...? What was it he did that so impressed you? Oh, he

just spoke Mandarin for a bit. It's quite hard. He may have made it all

up, I don't know. He said they should definitely teach Mandarin in

schools. That's a bit patronising, I imagine they already do.

Extraordinary way to behave. The Chinese said they want more Downton

Abbey. And, MrPrime Minister, are you bringing opium with you? A

reference to the wars. And nothing else All those rumours about the

Bullingdon club. Why, according to the Telegraph, does the Prime

Minister value Prime Minister's Question Time? Gets him out of the

house? No, it gets him in the House. He said... Smart move. David Cameron

had two official banquets...banquets? Is that how you

say it? Depends what the word is, really? If it's written down,

"rhododendron", then it probably isn't. David Cameron had two

official banquets with powerful Chinese leaders. What did he eat?

Bamboo fungus. This bamboo fungus, known, according to the Mail, as...

An old boyfriend of mine had that once. I was happy. What did break

bring as gifts for the Chinese? Pig semen. Cufflinks. Novelty ones. They

light up in the dark. Pandas. A picture of himself. Yes. With his

wife. Didn't know who he was? They had Boris last time, they thought it

was him again. He brought a signed football shirt a picture of himself

and his lovely wife and a biography of Thatcher. Perfect. Who signed the

football shirt? It doesn't say. England football team. Those who

didn't... On the subject of superpowers behaving badly, what

have the Russians been doing in the Ukraine? They've been trying to

prevent democracy. Ukraine is very keen on closer ties with Europe. The

Russians are very keen on closer ties with themselves. They had a

vote, Putin voted once, and he decided that's it. So, that's it,

really, poor old Ukraine. It's the only place in the world you can see

people flying an EU flag happily. They've been interrupting Ukrainian

TV coverage of pro-Western demonstrations with clips from a

genuine children's programme about basic bodily functions. Here's a

talking bottom sitting next to a turd and a stream of piss. Oh, no,

sorry, that's the latest panel of Loose Women. Who's the cactus? A

walk-on guest? What's that representing? Sexually transmitted

diseases? I hate looking at jobs I auditioned for and didn't get. Yeah.

APPLAUSE This is the most blatant attempt by a British Prime Minister

to woo the Chinese... Since Tony phoned Wendi to check Rupert was

out. Britain has come under attack from the Chinese Communist Party

Newspaper, the Global Times, as being... I hear you, China, but

takeaways and a shit Olympics - back at you. According to the Daily

Mail... Well, if there's one thing there's never a shortage of in

China, it's dolls for baby girls. LAUGHTER AND GROANS. Ian and Tim,

take a look at this, please. Right. Now, that's the Chancellor. And

again. Oh, look, they've got the same tie on. Isn't that embarrassing

when that happens? What's the Chancellor been up to? OK, well,

today he's been up to a lot. The economy is booming. And George is

cruising effortlessly to economic domination of the globe. Right. Was

that a party political broadcast? That's what it said on my briefing

sheet we were given after the glorious speech. I don't know why

you're laughing, it's fantastic. I think it's because they don't

believe you. Oh, OK. What's he done now, then? He's come up with an

autumn statement. Mm-hm. The particulars of which you're riveted

by. Oh... "All the leaves are brown. "And the sky is grey." Yes, a lot of

interesting things. Mm-hm. No more tax discs on your car. You'll just

do it online. And they'll say, "Oh, you haven't got your password, "you

can't do it." And then they'll arrest you. And then they'll set

your car on fire. Yeah. You should be happy. Then I'll go down to the

Post Office and set THEM on fire. Yeah, exactly. After Royal Mail what

have they decided is the next asset to be sold off? Oxygen. What's left?

The unemployed. It's the country's stake in Eurostar. You know how

tough George Osbourne's policies can be. Shall we take a look? No. I am

very happy with the policy announced yesterday. It's tough, it's a

difficult choice but it's fair. End of. It doesn't need a review? End

of. End of. You said we have to see what comes along... End of. Funny

you should use that clip. Cos you had it on this programme two years

ago, when it happened. We did. Yeah, and I remember your quote at the

time was, "End of your career." And you were right! Two years too early,

but, yeah. Yeah, well, it's funnier now. Yeah, it is. True. David

Cameron has been going out of his way not to mention the Dalai Lama or

human rights. But what has he been going on about all week? Um... Well,

what he's been going on about is how good together him and George Osborne

are. Oh, right. There have been rumours of splits recently, but

Cameron told journalists... Yeah, right, I saw George trying to

throttle him when he was off his head on coke. Nah, not really, I

made it up! Did ya? In other George Osborne news, what's he got now that

he didn't have last week? He's got a nice little dog. Does what he says.

He's called it Nick. He's bought a Bichon Frise. Mm. Which I thought

was a starter. It is, in China. Maybe. Ooh... Yeah, he's got Lola

living with him. Inevitably, he posted a picture on Twitter. ALL:

Ahh. That's nice. First time anyone's gone, "Ahh," about George

Osborne. And in other Tory news, what's the latest on Lady Thatcher?

Still dead. She's got a Christmas single. That's brilliant. "Ding Dong

The Witch Is Still Dead." Very, very bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. A

copy of her will appears to show that the ?12 million central London

house she lived in wasn't actually owned by her, but by an anonymous

trust registered in the British Virgin Islands. MAN CACKLES

Vodafone! And there's a man here knows their national anthem. Where

do you stand on tax avoidance? It's a very bad thing. Yeah. Next. I

haven't avoided any tax, have you a clip of that? They haven't got

anything. Now we can start looking. You are sensitive nowadays. Thanks

for that confidence booster, Ian. Might as well set fire to yourself

for God's sake. Can't do that if you are washed up. Did anyone see Keith

Vaz talking about his new hospital this week? Want to have a look? At

the end of the day we will have to wait and see whether they come to

fruition or whether, like the Pathway project, when we were

promised a new spanking hospital... LAUGHTER

It's a form of alternative medicine, they absolutely thrash you. This is

the Chancellor's autumn statement. David Cameron insists that his

relationship with George Osborne remains strong, saying... A

combination which is then inserted into Nick Clegg to work his mouth.

Ahem, yeah. This week, George Osborne got a new dog. For an

ex-public schoolboy, having a dog is a bit like having your own fag, only

after fetching your slippers, the dog licks his own bollocks.

Don't know what you're laughing about, Miles. Sorry, I have just

lost... Paul and Miles... Yeah. ..here's another for you lovely

boys. Fantastic. Money being printed. Obviously. RBS - Royal Bank

of Scotland not giving people money. Um, being very, very bad people.

People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day, when it

was one of the biggest shopping days of the year, Christmas rush and all

that, so people are very unhappy with the Royal Bank of Scotland.

That's right, yes. Yeah. This is news that serial cock-up merchants

RBS cocked up again this week, leaving customers unable to use

their cards. And on the busiest day of the year for online shopping,

too. What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people been

trying to do? Call this a special day. Black Friday, or something.

TIM: Cyber Monday. Supersonic Tuesday. Next it'll be Wank

Wednesday... Thuck off Thursday. The director of John Lewis online told

the Times... Oh, give it a rest. I quite like the idea of things

CATCHING FIRE on a Friday! What was the effect of all this hype? People

were fighting in Argos. Don't they go to Argos and hit each other? I've

seen it on the news, it's fantastic. You know what they're going to be

doing next? Ssh! People attacking each other in Argos? You've seen

this on the news? Yeah. Well, he's not been there, has he? APPLAUSE.

That's the Greek God of shopping, Argos. Was it? No. A shopping scrum

in Newcastle, this is London and this is in Bristol. A near riot

started apparently when that bloke tried to buy two discounted tellies.

You're only allowed one at ASDA. Could have been worse, in America

there were two shooting incidents during disputes at shopping malls.

To be fair, it was buy one, get one free on guns last week. As always,

the go-to woman at a time like this is 55-year-old Margaret Green from

Newcastle. What does she have to say about it all? She likes a fight. I

always go, like to watch the young men fight, she says. It was bedlam,

I was ashamed to be English, she told The Express and The Sun and The

Star and The Mirror and The Telegraph and The Guardian. Come on

Independent, what's the matter with you? Also this week, it emerged that

Britain is way ahead of all other European countries in terms of what?

Growth - we're growing much more than other people. Other people look

at us saying, FRENCH ACCENT: "I wish I was English." It's the way it has

been. But not everybody from Denmark thinks that. It's actually how much

we are paying our bakers. Oh, no, hang on, it's bankers, yes. The Mary

Berrys... Good idea for a programme, though, isn't it? IAN AND KATHY:

"Great British Bank Off." It's based on the figures for bankers who earn

more than one million euros. The UK has 2,714 of them. I'm a bit

brain-dead with all that. You know, the bankers... Other people's money.

I know. It's awful. Better putting it all in a pile and just... Burn

it. And finally, in other retail news this week, online retailer

Amazon revealed that in the future, they plan to deliver packages by

drones. The Express helpfully showed how the system will work from step

one - customer places order - through to step five - the drone

takes off from the warehouse. Step seven, the drone lands outside the

customer's house, where it releases the package. Although, for some

reason, it doesn't show step eight, where some bastard nicks it. What if

you wanted to buy a drone? I mean, this is a made-up story. The

economics of it - this drone can only deliver one package at one

point, where a man with a van has got 50 or 60 packages in the back of

his van. You'd have to have 50 or 60 drones replace every van. You're

wasted here. I know that. It's the bottle of whisky I had before the

recording. If I was Father Christmas... Are you? You're not

Father Christmas, are you? Well, I can't really talk about it here. Oh,

OK. But he would be excited by drone technology. Maybe he already is.

Maybe he's an absolute warmonger. They're not going to send a drone to

Ian's house, are they? Cos it's going to turn up back to Amazon on

fire. "Coming in to land - he's not going to make it, Skipper!" And

finally, has anyone noticed that now Jeremy Paxman's getting old, he has

an evening nap in the Newsnight studio and only wakes when they play

the theme tune? Have a look at this. Now, time for Newsnight here on BBC

Two, with Jeremy Paxman. "NEWSNIGHT" THEME PLAYS Yes, this is RBS, the

bank that likes to pay less, whose entire computer system failed on

Cyber Monday. To be fair, everyone was affected - even senior bankers

found out that their credit cards had stopped working. Paul Flowers

had to chop out his coke with his bus pass. According to the

Telegraph, in order to dispose of toxic assets... "Also"? What do they

think they are at the moment? Ian and Tim, here's another for you.

Black Friday sparked chaotic scenes at ASDA. According to The Express, a

store in east London was overrun with shelves cleared in two minutes.

Beating a record set a couple of summers ago in the Tottenham branch

of Foot Locker. One special offer for shoppers in Manchester promised,

buy a Christmas tree, get a free kebab. Even offering a choice,

donar, blitz... Ian and Tim, here's another for you. Oh, this is our

ranking in the world. Apparently, since I left the Department of

Education, things aren't going too well. Is that why? Look! Mr Gove,

your friend. And his new adviser. He's replaced you with him.

Apparently, rankings of British pupils have gone through the floor.

We've had years and years of... "Of Labour neglect..." ..Labour neglect.

I'll do the echo. And single-handedly, Michael Gove is now

rescuing our pupils. For him to do it single-handedly is not a good

policy. You don't really like Michael, though, do you? What's not

to like, for God's sake? Didn't he say that you were very lazy and

useless? Did he? Who did the best? South-East Asian countries.

Shanghai. Korea. Yeah, but twice as many people took the tests in

Britain as in any of those countries. So, mathematically...

..I've no idea what that means. That's the problem. You were

something to do with schools, weren't you? Before you got the

push? Nothing to do with me at all. I looked after children. Is this one

for Operation Yewtree? Come on - can we do a Boris IQ question? He did

badly, didn't he? On a test this week, old Boris. He was asked some

IQ trick questions. First one, what's your name, Boris? These were

good these questions. Take two apples from three, what do you have?

You have... You have got loads of apples, mate. You have one apple...

Listen... You say one apple? What we are talking about... We haven't, you

have two. You are now batting zero for two. One more. We are rather

proving the point that I made. You brought IQ into the conversation. I

went to bed at 8.00pm and wound up my alarm to sound at 9.00 am, how

many hours sleep would I get... Wound up my clock and how many hours

sleep? Well, I slept like a log. That was nought out of three. An IQ

of nil. Also, he blurted out his idea about selling the naming rights

for Tube stations to big companies He said... Can't we change the name

of London to Shanghai? Can you come up with any other names that could

be used? "Oxford Marmalade Circus." "Victoria Secrets"? Trust a Tory MP.

"Nigella Lawson's Tooting"? This is the news that our education system

is failing. The Daily Mail listed the global rankings for maths, which

shockingly shows that we came 26th out of ten. Meanwhile, Boris Johnson

has failed an intelligence test live on radio. Will you take an

intelligence test live on radio? One of the IQ questions that Boris got

wrong involves setting an alarm clock, asking... To be fair, Boris

didn't really understand the question, as he's normally woken up

by her husband coming home. And so to Round Two - the Strengthometer of

News. BUZZER. MILES: What's the arrows pointing to? The hair. Lice.

Wayneetta. Say that again. Say I am having a fag. I am having a fag.

It's actually pointing to their brains. Yes, men and women's brains

are different. This is why we can't find things in fridges and why women

can't do other things. I don't know whether it's true or not. I am very

bad at spotting things in the bridge. There was an elk in there

that I failed... It left footprints, that I realised it was there. Men

and women's brains are different. Women are sort of better at heating

things. What can men apparently do better than women? Go to the toilet

standing up. Spacial stuff, awareness. Focussing in. I been a

wild Rover... You shouldn't have stopped that, it might have been a

golden moment I did say focussing. You are meant to be be better than

us. We are not... You are meant to be multitasking. I am doing my

ironing now under the desk. Anybody know which big mind news happened in

Croydon this week? The memory competition. Oh, yes. I can't

remember anything else! Would you like to see the newly crowned World

Champion? Yes, please. He was on Newsnight showing his skills. You

can play us out by telling us what the credits were tonight. Yes, the

presenter is of course Jeremy... Um, Paxman. Go on. The production team

conconsists of, it's, um... In order, it's... Jake... I am afraid

that's not the first one. The first one's, give you a clue, James Bray.

Yeah. Is he the only one that found Croydon? This is the new story

showing for the first time that the brains of men and women are wired up

differently. Scientists have spent months trying to determine the

difference between men and women by looking at their brains. I am no

expert but I can usually do that in ten seconds by looking somewhere

else. Ten seconds! That's a long time. Is it a consultation period? A

postal vote? OK. Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one. Two

lookalikes got married. They were professional lookalikes, and he... I

think I've got this the right way round... He looks like Debbie Harry.

That's right. And she, bless her... Looks like somebody out of

Thunderbirds. Here are the happy couple. It's uncanny. Anyone know

who else came to the wedding? Robert Mugabe... Joshua Nkomo. That's

right, yeah. Joshua Nkomo was there. Bomber Harris. THEY TALK OVER EACH

OTHER Gordon Ramsay, Ricky Gervais, the couple and David Beckham. Not

doing too bad as looky-likies. Yeah, once you close your eyes it's

easier. This is supposed to be MrT. It's ridiculous because Dennis

Thatcher was white... One of the things he was quite insistent on.

Also, Kate and Prince William turned up. Who didn't look like himself

this week? Anyone see this picture? Tom Jones. Is that real? Yeah. Looks

pretty good for a tomato of his age. Is he learning Mandarin by becoming

an orange? Talking of lookalikes, whose appearance was compared to

Marie Antoinette climbing the scaffold this week? It was Nigella.

Sarah Vine in the Mail compared her to Marie Antoinette. So, should we

have a look? Here's Nigella...here's Marie Antoinette. If she'd had

dinner with Charles Saatchi... No, no, no... APPLAUSE. This week in

Dudley, a Blondie look-a-likey, married a Simon Cowell look-a-likey.

Simon Cowell look-a-likey Andy Monk told reporters... No. Nor can you.

One late-comer to the wedding was MrT. At first he wasn't allowed in

by staff until he snapped and said, don't you know who I am meant to

look like? Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Your four are - Tim

Loughton, Icarus, Osama bin Laden, and 30,000 copies of David Walliams'

new book. BUZZER. I think this is something to do with heat or fire or

being burnt. Fire? Fire. Apart from sitting next to Britain's premier

arsonist, have you been burnt? I mean, not financially, you don't

need to tell us any woes. But have you been burnt in a pancake, or...?

No. No. Did anything happen unpleasant at the end of this? No.

Shall we do the, "Cor, what a tosser," line, get that out of the

way for the moment? Well, if you want to say that about yourself,

Tim, don't let any of us stop you. I think it's water. Is it water? Yes,

Tim, you are right. Icarus flew too close to the sun and fell into

water. Abu, no, eh... What's his name? Osama... They're all the

same(!) Osama... The very bad man, Osama bin Laden was dumped in the

sea, after they shot him. David Walliams, now he had to have his

book pulped. Some of his books fell in the water, or something. So, I'm

the odd one out, cos I'm on dry land. No, you are the odd one out,

cos you were STANDING in the sea. It could be a very large ice bucket.

This was a story that appeared in the Mirror last year. The only true

thing about the story was the title to that photo, which was "Minister

caught with his pants up." And the rest of the story - it was the

Commonwealth Education Ministers' Conference in Mauritius, and this

was one warm glass of chardonnay. If this is an indication of what you

would do when you're sober... What on earth do you get up to when

you're drunk? Were you sacked for that? I don't think so. I think

there were much worse things. It was Mr Gove, wasn't it, who sacked you?

Did he sack you single-handedly? After you were sacked, whether it's

to do with that or something else, you had a bit of a spat with your

ex-boss, Michael Gove, didn't you, Tim? No, he is a lovely man. You

said most officials haven't met him. Everybody loves young MrGrace.

What's the problem? He is a great man doing fantastic things. Won't

hear a word against him. How did the Department for Education source

describe you in response? Want to tell us? No, you are going to show

us, yeah. An unnamed source described you as: Now that can't be

true, otherwise you wouldn't have come on. This show, yeah.

APPLAUSE So, it's time now for the Missing

Words Round, which, this week, features as its guest publication

Rattitude. The magazine of the North of England Rat Society. For

northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough. And we start with:

Great bloke and I want to live. Is it gay? The answer is blatantly gay,

says author. A new byography speculates. It's not the first to

make this claim. The idea that... Has been put forward by a number of

recently deceased psychologists. APPLAUSE

Next, chimps take what? MILES: Is it, "The fucking piss"? The answer

is: No, they don't! This is the story of a court case in New York in

which four chimpanzees are seeking to be recognised as humans. The

complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts

scratching their heads, rubbing their arses on ropes and eating

things from behind each others' ears. Next.

The bubonic plague. And it's the name "red eyed devil". Next...

MILES: British Prime Minister talking patronisingly. She had a

flower in her head. It was a fully-grown dandelion. A doctor

tried to remove it by blowing, but all that happened was he found out

it was three o' clock. Next: Sexual tension. MILES: The body count. It

was an absolute bloodbath. The safety officer. "Looks all right to

me. "Just dump the rats on it "This is good stuff."

Clowns are actually fairly easy to capture, because they tend to have

extremely unreliable getaway cars. Finally.

Drunken fighting amongst priests. "You bastard! "You call that a

wedding?" It's shouting at a rat. What?! The last time I had a rat

backfire was when I stuck a firework up it. I'm just joking, obviously.

It was a kitten. The final scores are - Miles and Paul have eight.

What? Tim and Ian have six. You're the winners. But before we go,

there's just time for the caption competition. TIM: "I must not meet

the Dalai Lama again." "I must not meet the Dalai Lama again." On which

note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Tim

Loughton, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp. And I leave you with news that

after announcing several more years of austerity, George Osborne goes

home to decorate his Christmas tree. In the Italian Parliament, the vote

about whether Silvio Berlusconi should take a paternity test is

passed with a majority of one. And, as Operation Yewtree combs the BBC

for clues, police find a very disturbing image on David

Attenborough's computer. Thank you very much. Good night.

Can I just say you pronounce my name LAWTON? I beg your pardon, Tim,

sorry about that. Should have brought it up earlier though, you

twat.