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This programme contains very strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
-Good evening, and...
-I'm Daniel Radcliffe.
-I'm Cathy Burke.
-I'm Gary Lineker.
-I'm Michael Sheen.
I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week.
After an all-night campaign meeting in the Dog And Duck,
Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.
In the Bake-Off final, one of the competitors wrecks her chances
with her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue.
In Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John MacDonald are relieved
to get out of the conference centre without making any more blunders.
And, in Folkestone, there's news that the Tories are testing out
a scheme to stop illegal immigration.
How do you bring it in?
Trying to get out of the country.
Ed Miliband looking chilled out.
And it's the winner. It was quite exciting because
everyone said it was unpredictable.
Meaning they had got it wrong.
So we had this exit poll.
Then everyone spent the rest of the evening going,
"If this poll's right... Oh, God, it is right."
However, Ed Balls was remaining optimistic.
There has been a story going the rounds on Twitter and the rest of it
that you've been defeated.
David, the ballot boxes haven't even arrived in the count.
And they've got to be counted, and then we'll get the result.
So, I think maybe you should spend less time on Twitter
and more time reporting the results when they are actually declared.
Shall we see how it panned out for him?
-Ed Balls lost his seat to the Conservatives.
Is David Dimbleby going to call him and go,
"Have they been counted now, Ed?"
The notes Ed Miliband left in his room during the leadership debate.
Do you want to expand on what they said?
"Do not leave these notes in my dressing room."
Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?
Look at the camera.
And, above all else, keep referring everything to you at home.
And the decision you, the people, are going to have to make
in four weeks' time.
According to the Daily Mail, the debate saw SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon
transform herself into a "glamorous imperatrix".
That's one of my favourite spells!
David Cameron gave an interview to Heat magazine.
-Ah, the tough ones first.
-David Cameron's in Heat!
He does some very good acting in the video which is worth watching.
Obviously, they're tough questions
but he needs to show that they're tough. So...
-Which football team does David Cameron support?
Well, he doesn't really know, does he?
He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter.
But then he said this in a speech.
Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB
all at the same time.
Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham... Er, um...
Most football fans forget who they are supporting in moments of stress.
Liverpool fans are often claiming to be fans of Manchester United
when they're very tired.
He gave another explanation to Lorraine.
He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake because...
Which of us hasn't done that(?)
Let's play a game of...
OK, who's this?
-No, it's Osborne.
-Clegg's in the body bag!
BELL Ian and Alan?
It's got to be Farage. Is that a Ukip thing,
they're going to be in Dover?
No, that is a Conservative promise about research centres for robotics.
-I stand corrected.
-Let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.
My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear, vote Ukip.
-Who said this? All are recent quotes.
Fingers on buzzers, who said this?
Duke of Edinburgh.
It was Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.
Why does her shadow belong to somebody else?
It's clearly the shadow of a thick-set man in his 50s.
This is the result of election night.
One SNP gain from Labour saw Britain's youngest MP
for over 300 years win the seat of Paisley and Renfrewshire.
Or, as the BBC called it...
Volkswagen, the people's car. Cheating their emissions.
There's a special bit of software.
When the car knows it's under testing conditions,
it doesn't give the right information.
And Volkswagen, nobody knew about this at the top.
Just one bloke and a screwdriver did it without anyone else knowing.
He feels so ashamed about it
that he's managed to do this in over 50 million cars.
I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly helped
-by the fact that their deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies.
-He was the only one telling the truth.
We all lie about our emissions, though, don't we?
-I think it's one of those questions we need to know about cars.
So, we need an expert. Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans' phone number?
Go on, Jeremy, punch him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You can have a go if you want.
He's rolling up his sleeve! Rolling up his sleeve.
The pie's here, the pie's here!
Chips, give us chips, quickly!
Eat it! Eat it!
Good. Cleared up.
This is the Volkswagen fiasco.
Not the name of their latest hatchback,
but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.
As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation
into the emissions scandal, it is believed that
one of the scientists involved there has killed himself in his garage.
He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.
That's the vote. Blatter, he's won.
# We've got the money! #
There he is. He is about to trip over a huge bung!
Fell off his wallet.
I had no idea Fifa had anything to do with football.
-I thought it was just a vast money-laundering operation.
What happened at the end of Sepp's press conference?
Did he just hand out brown envelopes and say, "You know what I mean"?
Did you hear his defence? Which was along the lines of...
The Rebekah Brooks excuse.
It's a triumph for the American justice system.
I noticed we did nothing at all.
They don't muck about, the Americans.
If someone's found guilty of corporate fraud, you know,
they get jailed.
Whereas, over here, they instantly get Alzheimer's.
Do we know where the arrests were made?
It was in the Hotel Splendide Old Backhander!
You can't have a World Cup story without Pele. He said...
Cheers for that, mate(!)
Meanwhile, this weekend, the Women's World Cup kicks off in Canada.
Despite question marks over the bidding process,
with countries around the world accused of paying millions of dollars
in bribes to make Canada have to do it.
Ah, George Osborne, running away from reality.
From headstone to headstone.
So, where's Ed gone?
Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck
and jumped off a ferry?
SHE MIMICS DANCE BEAT
The good thing about Ibiza is that there's just one place where
all the partygoers go, there's this one tiny town, so you...
Ibiza's a beautiful island, and you can avoid them because they're just there.
-Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church where one can wander round?
It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.
I really must give it a go.
And it's got that mountain...
HE MIMICS DANCE BEAT
-Oh, do that again. Please.
-Do that again!
Now, what about Chuka Umunna?
-Did you see how he threw his hat into the ring?
-He went to Swindon.
He sort of had the air of the candidate in The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.
You're absolutely right. He announced his leadership bid in what looked like
a sort of teenage home-made video on the internet.
So, I'm pleased today to be announcing that I will be
standing for the leadership of the party.
Sorry. What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?
-No, nothing, I think it's...
-No, they're admitting it. It's made up.
-Are we moving on?
-No, it's just..
Erm...well, extraordinarily, erm, over the last five minutes,
Chuka has actually withdrawn
his candidacy from the Labour leadership.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This has got to be the most powerful programme on television.
We haven't even gone out.
Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts to spoil the ballot paper last week?
One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against standing
Tory MP Glyn Davies, who said...
So, I wonder what this is.
-Happy front bench!
And that was the last speech.
OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday night,
which The Telegraph described as "heated", Why was that?
It's getting cold.
-Once October comes, this place'll be...
Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?
Honestly, that Bake Off image is gone for good.
That would only be the case if you'd nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership contest.
You didn't, did you?
I did, and I think...
-Look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.
-It is early days.
-You didn't vote for him, though, did you?
-You nominated him...
Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?
They're called Momentum, which is the Corbynite one,
and Progress, which is the other.
What, like it's The Apprentice?
Oh, my God, they've given themselves stupid names.
Claiming the party was open to new ideas.
Corbyn said he wanted to give people...
An odd line, but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbot.
What startling revelations did
the Sun uncover about Jeremy Corbyn this week?
What are the stunning revelations?
Well, the Sun tracked down Jeremy Corbyn's wife's niece,
who lived with him until recently, who disclosed that he enjoys...
What a bastard.
The House of Lords threw out the Tax Credits Bill.
It's a triumph for the forces of non-democracy.
Who was particularly red in the face about it?
I'm trying to think who was red in the face,
apart from George Osborne, but he doesn't, cos he hasn't got any blood.
-Does this damage George, do you think?
One can only hope.
According to The Times...
He doesn't want to be SEEN to be doing it.
He draws the blinds.
Several of the papers identified one clear super-villain in all this.
Who was that?
-Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Megarich musical gargoyle Andrew Lloyd Webber.
He flew in from New York to vote for tax credit cuts.
It was his first vote in over two years
but he did deny he had flown back specifically for the vote.
Does anyone know why he says he was in town?
He was here for an opening of one of his productions somewhere.
A new musical called Cats!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, he did say he was in town to watch the revival of Cats,
the musical. Yeah.
But surely he's seen that already.
Or maybe he's just got a bad...
# Mem-ry! #
Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who's come to visit London.
"Tell me about this communism. How does it work?"
Who's asking who?
President Xi, is it, I think?
Or 11, if you're talking about Roman numerals.
The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese
and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.
I think they're all right.
They already own Pizza Express and they haven't touched dough balls.
What's the other terrible thing about President Xi
that the Mirror discovered?
Were his trousers too long?
His trousers are touching the carpet.
Way too long...
..is the name of his tailor.
All these new jobs that the Tory party say that
Chinese investment is going to produce, I mean,
we lost nearly that many this week in the steel industry.
The government haven't done anything and I get the horrible feeling
that David Cameron's watched The Full Monty
and he doesn't understand that's not a viable option for everyone.
"I watched an incredible documentary about the steel industry this week, and..."
The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...
It was either them or the Duchess of Kent's Rhythm and Blues Explosion.
Addressing the sensitive issue of human rights,
the Chinese President declared...
A doctrine put forward by China's leading political philosopher,
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
-Right, that's Ukip's non-MP. He's resigned.
-No, he hasn't.
No, he hasn't, he's back.
Does Nigel Farage command the full support of all his MP?
Ukip's rather fallen apart.
You can't say anything because you're BBC and you're balanced,
but it is pretty funny.
Leftie BBC audience! Typical!
Patrick O'Flynn said that
Ukip was in danger of becoming a personality cult.
Here's the BBC's Norman Smith reporting on the story.
..that there was a danger, he said in this article in The Times,
of the party turning into, quotes,
"an absolutist monarchy or personality cunt...
ROISIN: Poor bloke!
When Nigel Farage complains about bias at the BBC...
-He's got a point!
-He's got a point on that particular occasion.
You having a nice time there?
I'd get your address book out.
There's quite a few names you've got to...
I am looking for a new career.
I'm not sure you've found it.
I wasn't claiming this was it!
In other news, what did David Cameron say
at the first meeting of the Cabinet?
"I can't fucking believe it!"
"What's going on? I mean..."
It's also been reported that after the election,
Britain now has the gayest Parliament in the world, with 32 openly gay MPs,
although some of them may have just said that to put off Sally Bercow.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Oh, this is Prince Charles in the Republic of Ireland,
very happy news. There's his stalker.
He's very happy there, shaking hands with dignitaries.
And there we are, yes, historic in every sense,
an historic handshake between Gerry Adams and Prince Charles.
I love the way he had a cup of tea there as a sort of prop.
"Oh, hello! You here?"
Don't you think the cup of tea was an anti-hugging device?
-Is Gerry Adams famous for being a hugger?
-I think he is.
Do you have to come prepared, otherwise he's like, "Come here!"
He does this thing, he hugs people,
and when he backs off, they've got the beard.
Oh, he's a bit of a card.
You wouldn't think so but, God, we've had some fun nights, I tell you.
Who initiated this reconciliation?
-Gerry Adams did.
He made the call to Prince Charles' office and said,
"It's in a waste bin. You've five minutes to get out!"
And then he said, "Oh, no, sorry, sorry. God, I'm always doing that."
Who described Prince Charles as "ten years ahead of his time"?
Time Out? Was it Time Out? Really great review.
-That was Martin Peters, wasn't it?
-Martin Peters, you got mixed up.
-I do this every time.
-His son, Prince Harry.
-Prince Harry said that.
He was going through the things Charles had written letters about.
Did Prince Charles say anything yet about his meeting with Gerry Adams?
He said it ten years ago.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's France. That's their rapid reaction force.
There's our rapid reaction force.
Yeah, this is Paris and the tragedy there
and our attempts afterwards to work out what to do.
It does strike me as one of the few things we're still allowed to do
is sort of make jokes, and laugh, um, so we might have a go at that.
What has been the British government's immediate response?
Who have they hired?
-Who have they hired?
-They've hired 2,000 something.
-Well, 1,900 extra...
-Should we know that?
-Do you know what that will cost?
-About £2 billion, I think.
£2 billion for the SAS and another £2 billion for cyber security.
Where's this money suddenly come from?
From the magnificent management of the economy that the government has done, that means we can afford
the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.
I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wembley Stadium looked rather magnificent.
-The tricolore was up there.
The tricolore has been put on various things.
Apple did that.
Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.
One man leading the hunt for the terrorists is Belgium's
interior security minister...
Showing defiance to Islamic State even with his surname.
While she's away at an EU summit,
a helpful neighbour attempts to keep Angela Merkel's cat amused.
At a last Conservative Party election rally,
Arts Minister Sajid Javid begins to suspect
he's only there for reasons of symmetry.
There's excitement at Uxbridge station, where it's announced that
a train full of lingerie models has broken down on platform three.
And at Stafford Prison, after his wobble board is confiscated,
Rolf Harris is unhappy with the replacement.
Well, shortly we'll see Stoke versus Swansea...
But first, to round two, the strength-o-meter of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
There was an earthquake in the tip of Kent there.
It didn't really affect anybody.
Somebody fell out of bed in Sevenoaks and somebody banged their head in Tenterden,
and a cat in Dover looked the wrong way for a minute,
but other than that...
nothing else happened.
It went like that.
One person tweeted this photo.
That's very good.
This is why we can't do
those extreme weather programmes, isn't it?
You can see those programmes on Channel 5, tornadoes tearing,
tearing houses apart in the Midwest.
-Stiff Breeze in the Cotswolds!
-On at nine on 5!
-Umbrella Turned Inside Out!
After one British quake in 2013, a witness said...
How terrifying. Imagine the effect on the property price.
BELL RINGS Ian?
This is a tortoise.
-This is his owner.
She left the gate open and he ran away,
and she was distraught for ages, and then someone found the tortoise.
I'm still struggling as to how this had made the news.
"Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing.
"God unavailable for comment."
It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it.
Yes, this is absolutely true.
It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited
with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run.
This is where the story gets good.
He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.
A pair of dark glasses and a fake passport. How far did he get to?
-Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.
Wait! That's just the beginning.
Some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate.
Toby is 109, so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.
According to the Daily Mail, the tortoise was picked up
by a driver on a nearby road and driven 22 miles away,
leaving a scandalised hare to shout, "Oi, that's cheating!"
-It is emoji.
In which I happen to be fluent.
Oh, laughing face, laughing face, crying face, poo?
-Shall we have a look at some popular emojis?
My own particular favourite - ghost with black eye.
Cariad, you seem fluent.
-I am fluent, definitely.
-What is ghost with black eye?
It's just like, woo-hoo.
But there is no accentuation on it,
I can't tell whether it is "woo", "woo!" or "wooooo".
Well, when the emojis take over and you're filling out your CV...
-Are they a race now?
-Yes, they are.
Oh, my God, the emojis are coming.
-Don't tell Ukip!
-When the future...
It's the Great British Bake Off
and the lady in the middle is the winner.
It is the news that Nadiya Hussain has captured the nation's
heart by winning the Great British Bake Off. Did anyone see it?
No, I didn't, no. I'm not interested in it.
I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes
that I find quite boring.
How has Nadiya's achievement been received?
Putin was ecstatic.
This is the winner of the Great British Bake Off.
Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her to go back
to where she came from, saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone.
Yes, Ian and Grayson.
A 15-year-old from Northern Ireland is meant to have
hacked into TalkTalk's computer
and got all people's personal details and put them on the web.
The Daily Mail said he had a single mum.
Oh, well, he's definitely guilty, then.
On behalf of all single mums, I am just glad that our bastard children
are finally participating in white-collar crime.
Who says there's no aspiration in the world anymore?
It's like you have to worry about your son, knock on his door,
"What are you doing? You'd better be wanking in there
"and not bringing down a corporation!"
The two activities aren't mutually exclusive.
TalkTalk boss Dido Harding said they will handle compensation
claims for their four million users on a case-to-case basis.
Bad news for loyal customer Zachariah Zimmerman.
A pig was causing trouble and the police had to get involved,
that is all I remember. Um...
You know, I could be lying and just be piecing that together
from the photo.
So the pig has clearly been arrested,
the pig was arrested for trespass.
Yeah. The pig is called Daisy, who was arrested in the US this week.
-It's lucky she wasn't shot.
-Yes. Obviously it's a white pig, so...
No, Daisy's crime was that she had...
And the neighbour was apparently
so terrified of Daisy that she called the police.
Daisy was put in the back of a police car to keep her out of trouble
but then what did she do?
She made the car unfit for human habitation.
That's very delicately put and you're right, she defecated
-in the back of the police car and didn't seem that bothered.
Attitude written all over her face.
Look at that pig's face.
It's probably like, we've been killing and eating
her ancestors for years, it's just looking out the window,
This is the rowdy pig who was arrested in America
and defecated all over the back of a police car.
According to the Mirror, the pig left them an unwanted gift by...
And then, to make matters worse, it went wee, wee, wee, wee, wee,
all the way home.
APPLAUSE Ah, well.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher,
Concorde, and Helen Mirren.
Is Concorde the odd one out because it's not waving?
-About 10,000 times better than the actual answer.
-It always is.
-Can we have a clue?
-Well, it's Helen Mirren but it's what she...
That's more the answer.
What has she recently declared she's going to give up?
Tell us what she is giving up and we'll work round to the answer.
She's giving up nudity.
How is she going to have a bath?!
What does she do?
-Is anyone going to get this?
-No, tell us.
-I can promise you.
They are all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking
apart from Helen Mirren who is good at mimicking the Queen.
Apparently, the Queen is good at mimicking Concorde. Um...
It's what it says here. This was part of...
It was a flurry of royal facts that were published to mark her
becoming the longest-reigning monarch,
there were lots of facts about her.
-According to Bishop Michael Mann...
-Oh, don't listen to him!
-He's never off it.
-Oh, so he does the visuals as well, does she?
-She does the visuals.
Do you know what other impressions she has in her repertoire?
Well, obviously, Ian Paisley.
In the 1980s, her favourite impressions were said to include...
She doesn't do that last one quite as much.
Now at Her Majesty's pleasure somewhere else.
Yes, they are all people or things that the Queen is good
at mimicking, apart from Helen Mirren,
who is good at mimicking the Queen.
According to the Mail Online,
those who know Her Majesty describe her as having...
Though, to be fair, it is a brave courtier who pipes up with,
"Who the hell is that supposed to be?!"
A bit of the universe, a creamy chicken bake from Tesco,
72 safety deposit boxes
and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet.
One of them is to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it?
Which one would that be?
Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes.
The Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe.
I think these are things that have
all been found in the back of minicabs.
The wallet, the safety deposit box and the minicab driver who got
lost on his way to Streatham and ended up in Alpha Centauri.
They've lost a bit of the universe. Scientists don't know where it is.
-Yes, and so the wallet's the odd one out. It's been found.
Absolutely, well done.
-The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer.
-I answered that for him.
-Why did I answer that for him?
Yes, they have all been found empty this week
apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet, which was returned with nearly
-double the amount of money inside.
The 72 safety deposit boxes were left empty after
they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden.
It's been reported victims include the Adams family.
Not that Adams family,
the Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family.
You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather the police after you.
But I'm sure they're lovely people.
The Tesco's pasty, a man from Canary Wharf in London bought
a Tesco's creamy chicken bake only to find it had no filling.
The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find...
Yeah, that would have been so much nicer(!)
What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds find in his Aldi steak
and onion flavoured crisps recently?
-A barn owl?
He found one single uncooked potato.
Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week?
-Was it because that man...
-That rogue trader.
The flash crash trader? Yes.
Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader, facing extradition to
America over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash.
He has this extraordinary lifestyle which is
so incredibly penny-pinching. He's worth something like 30 million
or something like that, but he always wears a sort of tracksuit,
and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall,
all he did was go out and buy another tracksuit
for £100 or something.
It's from Sports Direct, write it down, Ian.
If you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms.
The ones that you normally watch television in and worn out.
Do they do grey and baggy?
They'll serve anybody.
They will, they serve anybody.
Time now for the Missing Words round and we start with...
Songs Of Praise?
Speaking of the link between television and highs,
here is the BBC's Quentin Somerville trying to finish his report
next to a burning pile of drugs in the Middle East.
Burning behind me is eight-and-a-half tonnes of heroin,
opium, hashish and other narcotics...
Burning behind me...
Quick, quick, quick, quick. We just need one more.
Was in Nan-et?
Thank you very much.
Is that right?
No, it's not right.
Goat that can paint called...
This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting
and charges 40 per work.
Van Goat has many fans, but sadly has had to leave Twitter
because of all the trolls.
Is it excessive use of sunbed?
Awful country, blame the Government.
Scientists claim that airplane noise
affects our palate by suppressing certain tastes.
Didn't they used to present Top Gear?
Because it was a panda car!
No, it's actually because...
Yes, a man in Russia this week was spotted by police,
driving with a bear in the back of his car.
He was on way to woods, on urgent mission.
Adam created clothes because he found nakedness embarrassing.
-But that's not exactly a news story, is it?
It didn't happen this week.
No, it is more topical than that.
Here he is.
His other arm appears to be the same length.
That's to stop him looking stupid.
Was a popular euphemism.
-Oh, sorry, you were on a beaver theme.
I thought you were calling sex, invading the creek, and I...
I loved that.
It's a more interesting answer than the rather obvious...
How can it be cheaper to drop them from planes rather than just
take them in a car? Just go, there you are.
What happens if the box doesn't open when they hit the ground as well?
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
Chilcott finally delivers.
And I leave you with news that, at the end of a long and pointless selection campaign,
where he's tried so hard not to be odd and weird,
Ed Miliband finally gets to relax on the train journey home.
The owner of one of Britain's best-known stately homes
appals visitors with his lewd behaviour.
After pressure from the party,
Nigel Farage agrees to take a break over summer to get fit.
And following the arrest of several senior officials,
Fifa bring in a new face to help eradicate the culture of greed.